然后我说 "如果该法庭" So I said, "If opposing counsel's
"准备就兰德格拉夫起诉亨森一案" "Invoking fiduciary liability precedent
"开先例的话" "Under the terms of landgraf v. Henson,
"法官大人 请便吧" "Your honor, please, by all means, go ahead,
"直接驳回原告的请求" "Rescind the plaintiff's de facto petition
"给他开限制令" "For injunctive relief."
太搞笑了 太搞笑了 It was fun. It was fun. Yeah.
失陪一下 先生们 我呆会再来 Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.
真搞笑 "限制令" So funny. "Injunctive relief."
正中我的笑点 That tickled my funny bone.
你好啊 尼克 What's up, Nick?
参加祖母的葬礼真是不好受 对吧 ? Fucking sucks dick about grandma, huh?
是的 Yeah.
祖母就这样被谋杀了 Old woman fucking murdered like that.
尼克 她是因癌症去世的 Nick, she had cancer.
这只是他们表面的说辞而已 That's what they want you to think.
她患了10年的癌症了 She had cancer for 10 years.
死亡时间太巧了 杰森 A little too convenient, Jason.
完全不巧的 No, it's not, at all.
我们永远也不会知道真相了 We'll never know the truth.
我们当然知道真相 We absolutely know the truth. Yeah.
祖母患了10年的癌症去世了 Grandma had cancer for 10 years.
癌症又杀不死人 杰森 ! You don't just die from cancer, Jason!
有幕后阴谋的 老兄 It's a conspiracy, man.
就像911事件一样 Just like 9/11.
天啊 Oh, god.
告诉大家一件事 祖母的死因没这么简单 For your information, grandma is not right here.
祖母被别人杀害了 Grandma is gone and she was taken from us.
- 我们必须找出幕后凶手 - 尼克 ! And we must find the man that did this. Nick! Nick!
- 快停下 - 嗷 ! Stop it. Ow, man!
这鞋是美邦的 There are rockport's.
我花钱新买的 Fuck, man. I just got these.
冷静点... Calm down...
十字路口见了 祖母 I'll see you at the crossroads, grandma.
你干嘛 ? 你非得挑现在发疯 ? What are you doing? Are you kidding me? Right now?
你给我振作点 ! Hey, get your shit together!
我老爸和我未婚妻 My dad and my fiancee
就站在我们旁边呢 are literally standing right next to us.
- 碧昂斯在这 ? - 没 Beyonce's here? No.
你老爸和未婚妻邀请碧昂斯了 ? Your dad and fiancee are saying yes to Beyonce?
啥 ? 没 What? No.
- 那Jay-Z也在这 ? - 你搞错了 尼克 Is Jay-Z here, too? No, Nick.
- 那布鲁·艾薇也在 ? - 尼克 Is blue Ivy here? Nick.
我是少数派 我觉得他俩的女儿长大后肯定很性感 I'm in the minority. I think their kid's gonna be hot.
- 这是啥 ? - 嗯 ? What is that? Hmm?
- 你干嘛呢 ? - 我只是 What are you doing? I'm just...
你已经嗑嗨了 ? Are you fucking high right now?
没有 这又不是... No, this isn't...
- 你已经嗑嗨了 - 这是电子香烟 You're high as a kite! It's an e-cigarette.
虽然里面装了点大麻 不过的确是电子香烟 It's filled with a little weed, but it's an e-cigarette.
成熟点吧 老兄 别这样 Grow up, man! What are you doing?
"成熟点" ? 你又有多大 ? "Grow up"? How adult are you?
你有没有过坐在沃尔沃里听国家公共电台 ? What, do you listen to npr in your Volvo?
- 有没有过和客户打回力网球 You play racquetball competitively
- 还拼尽全力 ? - 没 against business associates? No. No.
有没有过跟一对夫妻离家出走到一间出租房里 You ever go away to a rented house with other couples
玩scattergories(一种游戏) 奖品只是一瓶白葡萄酒 ? and then play scattergories over a bottle of white wine?
杰森 Jason.
啊... Uh...
我对着你祖母的遗像吐了口烟 I just blew a shot at your grandma's memory.
尼克 立刻给我振作点 Nick, get it together, right now.
收敛点 Lock it up.
我才不抱你 I'm not hugging you.
如果我抱你 你会不会收敛点 ? If I hug you, will you stop messing around?
吸我的二手烟吧 混蛋 Crop-dusted, motherfucker.
一口老烟喷死你 You just got crop-dusted.
匿已经吸嗨了 You're high now. You're high now.
离我远点 Hey. Get the fuck away from me.
现在我俩都在葬礼上吸嗨了 Now we're both high at grandma's funeral.
我们已经永远连接在一起了 We're bonded for life.
戴夫叔叔 十分抱歉 我们今天实在是太难过了 Uncle Dave, I'm sorry, man. It's a tough day.
可怜的祖父... Poor grandpa...
今天的第一段话来自圣经申命记第30章第19节 Our first reading is from deuteronomy 30:19.
"今日 我呼唤天堂与人世" "This day, I call the heavens and the earth
"作为你的见证人" "As a witness against you..."
"...世界早在你出生与死亡之前就已形成" "...that I have set before you life and death..."
宝贝 我找到了适合你 Hey, babe, I found the tie you're going to wear
星期天早上彩排的领带 to the rehearsal brunch Sunday.
你喜欢珊瑚色还是浅橙色 ? Do you like the coral color or the salmon?
"...人生的路程并不是冲刺" "...that the race is not to the swift..."
都可以 Either one.
"...也不是对抗强敌" "...nor the battle to the strong."
宝贝 你怎么了 ? Babe, what's wrong?
到底想要哪个颜色 ? Coral or salmon?
那你喜欢哪个 ? Well, what do you like?
我喜欢珊瑚色 I mean... I like the coral.
我也准备选这个 That's what I was going to say, too.
- 好的 - 好的 Okay, cool. Okay. Okay.
就决定是珊瑚色了 Coral it is!
今天肯定很特别 It's going to be a special day.
"...选择生命" "...now choose life,
"才能让自己和孩子存活下去" "So that you and your children shall live."
总之 我现在搬到瓦尔多斯塔市了 Anyway, I'm down in valdosta right now.
开了间宠物商店... I opened up a fucking pet shop...
说错了 是"幼犬繁殖场" Not pet shop, "Puppy mill."
幼犬繁殖场... Puppy mill...
虽然这种方式培养的狗名声不好 You know, designer dogs get a bad name,
但还是能买好大一笔钱 but they can go for quite a pretty penny.
- 真的吗 ? - 只是想让它们交配很困难 Really? It's just hard to get them to mate.
- 噢 - 因为 Oh. Because the little dogs,
小狗不想上大狗 they don't wanna fuck the big dogs,
而大狗也不想上小狗... and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs...
- 所以我得亲自为他们服务 你懂的 - 噢 So I got to manually do it, you know. Oh.
我得手动给它们嫁接 I got to spread and manually shoot in.
- 是吗 - 那你又有什么故事 ? Uh-huh. So, what's up with you?
我最近挺忙的... Well, I'm keeping pretty busy...
很不错 嗨 黛安阿姨 Cool. Hey, aunt Diane,
- 你好啊 - 嗨 尼克 how's it going? Hi, Nick.
嗨 尼克 Hey, Nick.
我只是不明白为什么你非得 I just don't understand why you have to drive
明天就开车去弗罗里达 老爸 down to Florida, tomorrow already, dad!
就在葬礼后的第二天 We just had the funeral.
你祖母和我每年 Your grandmother and I were there
都会去那里 at this time every year.
她今年肯定也希望我去 It's what she would have wanted.
我很愿意自己开车去 I'd drive down myself,
只是我的驾照被他们没收了 except they took my license away.
那为什么非得杰森开车载你去 ? But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you?
他工作这么忙... He's so busy at work...
而且下周就要结婚了 Got the wedding coming up next weekend,
还有周五早上的彩排 the rehearsal brunch.
整个律师所都会来参加的 You know, the entire law firm is coming to this.
- 是真的 祖父 - 杰森... It's true, grandpa. Jason...
- 我们有很多事要忙 梅雷迪斯和我... - 我自己说就行 We have a lot of stuff, Meredith and I... I'll handle it.
说吧 Go ahead.
尼克表弟怎么样 ? 老爸 How about cousin Nick? Huh, dad?
为什么不叫尼克带你去 ? Why doesn't Nick do it?
我们店里安了一个巧克力机器 We got this chocolate lab down at the store
各种恶心 that is just so horny,
每一次我触碰开关 every time I touch the back of its ear,
巧克力就会泉涌出来 it just gushes cum.
- 额 好吧 - 就像潮吹一样... Uh, okay. I mean, like a squirting...
这是你的狗 ? Is that your dog?
法律规定尼克 Nick isn't legally allowed
不能出乔治亚州 to leave the state of Georgia anymore.
从他高中开始我就没见过他了 I've barely seen this guy since high school.
我干嘛就不能花点时间陪陪他 ? What's wrong with spending some time with him?
噢 对你来说 花时间陪家人 Oh, so spending time with family
突然间就这么重要了 ? is suddenly important to you now?
听着 他明天早上来我家吃了早饭 Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast.
我们立刻出发晚上就能到目的地 We can drive down to boca during the day,
或许还能玩几场高尔夫 maybe play a round of golf or two,
然后第二天他就能回到亚特兰大来 then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day.
他可不能连续消失2天 He can't just flake off for two days!
这风险和回报根本不成正比... The risk versus reward here is just...
我觉得不可行 I don't see it happening.
我只是说 祖母肯定希望我去 It's what she would have wanted, that's all.
但如果你实在是得为婚礼做准备 But if you have to get ready for your wedding,
真有这么忙的话... if you're that busy...
我只是不懂为啥他非要叫你载他去 I just don't understand why he wants you to take him.
你俩关系根本就不亲近 You're not even that close.
我们以前很亲 Well, we used to be.
我小时候和祖父很合得来 Grandpa and I got along growing up.
我们每年圣诞节 We used to build these
都会造这些小火车 所以我准备把这个... model trains every Christmas, so I brought him...
我只是觉得 Well, it seems like we're cutting it
时间安排得有点紧了 a little close here, you know,
周五的婚礼彩排 with the rehearsal brunch on Friday...
我知道 我知道 I know. I know.
顺带一提 我没找到 And by the way, I can't find any
为放映式准备的 of the Martha's vineyard vacation photos
玛莎文雅岛的照片 for the slide show.
我快疯了 I'm just freaking out.
因为照片都在我电脑上 That's because they're on my laptop,
就在我手上 which I've got right here.
我会发给婚礼策划人的 So I'll send them to the wedding planner.
你什么都不用担心 You don't have to worry about anything.
谢谢 噢 你爸说叫你上75公路 16公路会堵车 Thanks. Oh, and your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever.
嗯 我知道 他把路线都规划好了 Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me.
还有 我俩能换辆车吗 亲爱的 ? And can you take my car, sweetie?
我得用SUV去拉红酒 Uh, I need the SUV for the wine.
祖父 ? Grandpa?
嗨 你来了 ! Hey! You made it!
稍等我下... Give me a minute...
我了个去 ! Oh, god! Shit!
抓我屁股 ! Grab my ass!
- 准备好上路了 ? - 十分抱歉 祖父 You ready to hit the road? I'm really sorry, grandpa.
没想到你在看片 I didn't think you'd be doing that.
啊 你不就是看到我在撸管吗 Ah, so you caught me taking a number three.
- 有啥大不了的 ? - 撸管 ? Big deal, right? Number three?
喝杯酒吧 Have a drink.
啊 不了 我要开车... Uh... no. I'm driving, so...
等我锻炼完 I just got to finish up my exercises,
然后就上16公路 再驶进95公路 and then we'll hop on 16 to 95.
老爸说应该先上75公路再转95公路 这样距离更近 Dad says we should take 75 to 95. It's more direct.
你老爸满口胡言 Dad's full of shit.
祖父 你确定你没事吗 ? Grandpa, are you sure you're okay?
顺带一提 很感谢你愿意载我 Thanks for doing this, by the way.
车管局的混蛋们 Those fuckheads down at the dmv
把我的执照没收了 took my goddamn license away
就因为我有白内障 because of these fucking cataracts in my eye.
但我技术可好着呢 But I can still hit the shit
毋庸置疑 out of a golf ball, that's for sure!
我在弗罗里达预定了 I made a tee time for us in Florida
今天的下午茶 for this afternoon.
你可以用你祖母的女士高尔夫球棒 You can use your grandmother's lady clubs,
就摆在门口的 they're right there by the front door.
好吧 Okay.
准备好没 ? All right, you ready?
不是要在家里吃早餐吗 ? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?
你手上的就是早餐 That's your breakfast.
出门坐上你开的那娘炮车 Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in
然后赶紧上路吧 and get the fuck out of here.
你确定我开车可以喝酒吗 祖父 ? You sure I should be driving with this, grandpa?
别担心 如果洒出来了 Don't worry, if you spill it,
我们开的这辆卫生巾立马就给你吸干了 this giant tampon we're driving in should soak it up.
等我发完这条 Just finishing a work email
斯坦哈特案子的工作邮件... for the steinhart file...
所以说你现在加入你爸的律师事务所 对吧 ? So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right?
没错 梅雷迪斯也在里面 That's right, and Meredith is too.
她老爸是其中一个 You know, her dad is one of
任事股东 所以说... the managing partners there, so...
- 我知道 挺不错的 - 嗯 I know, that's... Yeah.
这安排真是太方便了 It couldn't have worked out better.
我只是想着 Because it's just that I remember
你高中的时候 when you were in high school,
告诉我说你有多想成为摄影师 you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer,
出去周游世界之类的 travel the world. That sort of thing.
你还记得当时我给你订购的 You remember when I got you that subscription
<<时代杂志>>吗 ? to time magazine?
嗯 我以前是很喜欢摄影 但是... Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um...
老爸是学法律的 所以说 I mean, with dad being at the firm, pfft,
在大学里把专业 it just made so much more sense
选成法律学 to focus on a college curriculum
毕业后简单得多 that stressed the law school track.
不过我很热爱我的工作 祖父 I mean, I love what I do, grandpa.
作为公司律师可好玩了 Being a corporate lawyer is awesome,
我可以应付证券交易委员会的投诉... I get to handle sec compliance...
- 哇塞 ! - 是啊 No shit! Yeah. Yeah.
你可以应付证券交易委员会的投诉 ? You handle sec compliance?
劳动合约 Lp agreements.
老天啊 我之前都不知道 Oh, man, I didn't know that.
- 企业合约 - 开玩笑的吧 ! Llc agreements. You're shitting me!
当公司律师是有好处的 Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.
知道我更愿意做什么吗 ? You know what I'd rather do?
什么 ? What?
我宁愿让奎恩·拉提法在空中 I'd rather let queen latifah shit in my mouth
一泡屎拉我嘴里 from a fucking hot air balloon.
好了 我要去那边的贩酒店 That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there,
再买点烈性酒 get some more of the creature.
5分钟后在娘炮车上见面 Meet you back at the dildomobile in five.
你来买单 再见 You're paying the check, Alan douche-owitz.
我认识那男的 他好面熟 Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar.
他简直就一小白脸 He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch.
没错 还整一娘炮 Mmm, yeah, while j.Crew j'd-off.
我去 想起来了 他特别搞笑 Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny.
他是我大一时期的 He was my lab partner
摄影课搭档 in photography class, freshman year.
我去 他是弗罗里达毕业生 ? No shit! He's a Florida alum?
丽诺尔 这是你完成三连斩的好机会啊 Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta.
我的天 我已经上过毕业生了 忘了吗 ? Oh, my god, I already have alum, remember?
我上了那个离婚后一直在哭的男人 托尼 I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony.
- 蛋蛋挺大那个 - 嗯 With the big balls. Right. Yeah.
- 在卫生间上的 - 嗯 In the porta-potty. Yeah.
- 就坐在马桶上 - 嗯 At the tailgate. Yeah.
我还差教授 I need a professor.
等下 三连斩指的是哪3个 ? Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again?
我在书上看到的 It's this thing I read about
我在大四的时候必须上一个新生 where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman,
和一个毕业生 以及一名教授 an alumni, and a professor.
- 哪本书写的 ? - 我的日记 Where did you read that? In my diary.
嗯 Hmm.
- 我自己写的 - 嗯 Where I wrote it... Yeah.
他以前总是能拍出最美的画像 He used to take the most beautiful portraits
而且根本不用滤镜或者PS without using any filters or Photoshop...
我读过你的日记 I've read your diary.
他特别厉害 He was amazing.
- 天啊 真的 ? - 是啊 Oh, my god, you did? Yeah.
你喜欢吗 ? Did you like it?
你们根本没在听我说话 我要过去和他打声招呼 You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay?
- 好 - 荡妇 Cool. Slut...
希望你俩白头到老 I hope you don't get Tommy hilfingered.
虽然迟到了这么多年 不过也算数的 That was really late, but it still counts.
就和我的月经一样... Just like all my periods...
- 噁 - 哈 ? Ew. What?
嗨 你好啊 ? Hi. How are you?
还好 这里 不用找零了 Good. Here you go, you can keep the change.
额 我不是... Oh, no, no, no. I'm not... you...
啊哈 Uh-huh.
好吧 Okay.
额... Um...
大伙 听我说 Guys? Guys, listen to me.
啥 ? What?
- 快走 - 啥 ? Let's go. Bitch, what?
- 闭嘴 赶紧走 ! - 老天啊 ! Shut the fuck up! Go! Oh, my god!
等下 Wait a minute.
吃完了吗 ? You all set?
嗯 我把钱给另一个服务员了 Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry.
这里又没其他服务员 There is no other waitress.
从开店到现在只有我一个服务员... I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever...
该死 这破车偏要挑这时候出毛病 Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts!
喂 ! Hey!
我去 他还长得挺帅的 God, he's like a mitt romney Terminator.
打扰下 ! Excuse me!
抱歉 我已经下班了 Uh, sorry, my shift is actually over, so... sorry...
- 噢 不可能吧 - 干嘛 ? Oh, no way. What?
- 我认识你 - 才不 I know you. No.
我记得的 你和我一起上的摄影课 Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class.
风景项目全被你抢了 对吧 ? You took all those landscapes. Right?
沙迪亚 Shadia.
对 沙迪亚 Yeah. Shadia.
我去 你是沙迪亚 Holy shit, you're shadia?
- 嗯 沙迪亚 - 沙迪亚 Yeah. Shadia. Shadia.
- 千年杀 ! - 你搞什么鬼 ! Jamba! What the fuck!
沙迪亚 在阿拉伯语里指的是"歌唱家" Shadia. It means "Singer" In arabic.
或者是在古阿拉伯语里 Or in ancient arabic,
"Al-munshida alati tunadi lel-Mei." "Al-munshida alati tunadi lel-Mei."
英语里是指"站在水边呼唤的女子" Or, "She whose name calls others to water."
没错 That's actually right.
额 沙迪亚 他是我... Uh, shadia, this is my...
理查德博士 我在乔治亚大学教历史 Dr. Richards. I teach history at the university of Georgia.
你是名教授 ? You're a professor?
是啊 怎么了 想我给你加分 ? Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
杰森和我在写一篇关于中东的文章 Jason and I are doing a story on the middle east.
他是<<时代杂志>>的摄影师 He's a photographer for time magazine.
知道吗 我的处女是玩宾果游戏输的 You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night.
我叫丽诺尔 My name's lenore.
啊 "光辉的稀有侍女" Ah! "The rare and radiant maiden
"被命名为丽诺尔的天使" "Whom the angels named lenore."
"乌鸦说 永不超生" "Quoth the raven, 'nevermore.'"
进口货 是吧 ? diplomaticos, huh?
你还真懂雪茄 Hey, you know your cigars.
怎么 你是古巴混血吗 ? What are you, half Cuban or something?
的确如此 教授 Actually, I am, professor.
- 下半身是 - 好吧 The bottom half. Okay.
- 我们准备上路了 - 嗯 Okay, yeah, we're heading out. Yeah.
很高兴认识你 我们准备去代托纳比奇玩一周 Good to see you. We're going to Daytona beach for the week.
老天啊 我们早在3小时前 Oh, my god, and we should have been there
就应该到目的地了 three fucking hours ago,
赶紧上路吧 小婊砸们 so let's go, bitches!
- 我去 - 干嘛 ? Holy shit. What?
没啥 你只是一身Gay气 Nothing. You're just really gay.
噢 是吗 你观察力真强啊 Oh, am I? Thanks, captain gaydar.
我的天 我还是黑人呢 对吧 ? Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right?
是啊 的确很搞笑 Yeah, I know. That's funny, too.
你们要不要和我们一起 ? So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe?
再传点后代进我们肚子里 ? Party some babies into us?
- 绝对不要 ! - 绝对不要 ! Absolutely not! Absolutely not!
- 为什么 ? - 我们 Why? We have
- 有场非常重要的下午茶 - 少来了 a very important tee time. Of course you do.
难道你玩麻将之前还要小憩一会吗 ? And do you also have to take a nap before you play mahjong?
- 不是 是去玩沙狐球 - 沙狐球 No, it's shuffleboard. Shuffleboard.
然后4点还要吃晚餐 And then early dinner at 4:00.
我们有个打了好久的赌 谁高尔夫技术更好 We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer.
很显然我的球杆更好... Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood...
很好 用你的球杆把你的球 Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls
击进我阴道里吧 right into my vagina.
- 我去 ! - 好了 进车里来吧 Holy shit! Okay, we're going inside now.
- 老天啊 ! - 走了 玩够了 Jesus! Let's go. That's enough.
- 拜 教授 - 多谢你请客吃午餐 Bye, professor. Thanks for lunch.
再见 ! Peace!
- 那女孩不错 - 嗯 Nice girl. Yeah.
我看上去如何 ? Well? How do I look?
基得不行 Like the keynote speaker at a buttfucking convention.
- 啥 ? - 啥 ? What? What?
我们开车去第一洞 We're gonna write in the first hole,
很简单的 it's an easy par-4.
- 不行 不行 - 上车 No, no, no, no. Hey... Jump in.
这样是违反规则的 祖父 This is against the rules, grandpa.
去他妈的规则 赶紧上车 Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on.
而且破坏了高尔夫礼节 Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette.
哔哔哔哔 ! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!
- 喔 喂 ! - 别挡路 基佬们 ! Whoa! Hey! Out of my way, buttfuckers!
搞错没 ? 你干嘛呢 ? Really? What are you doing?
我得送这货去参加基佬大会 We gotta get this guy to his buttfucking convention.
你干嘛呢 老兄 ? What are you trying to do, man?
干嘛横冲直撞的 ? What was that all about?
嘿 这挥杆动作帅极了 Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing!
抱歉 I'm sorry! Um...
你们先来吧 You can go in front of us if you want to.
我们技术实在不好 We are not very good.
没 挥杆动作很好 No, it's a good cut,
你只是下蹲得不够深 you're just not bending your knees enough.
我是职业高尔夫球员 介意我教你吗 ? I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you?
好啊 麻烦了 Yes, please.
再蹲下去一点 对 Maybe bend over a little bit... here.
这样感觉才对 对吧 ? That feels about right, doesn't it?
手抓住球杆 球杆 Hands on my shaft... The shaft.
等我也抓住 Let me just get my finger in there.
1 2 3... One, two, three...
噢 ! Oh!
- 天啊 ! 你看到没 ? - 是啊 Oh, my god! Did you see that? Oh. Yeah.
谢谢你 ! Thank you!
你教高尔夫多久了 ? How long have you been teaching golf?
以前从宇航员退休起就开始了 Ever since I retired from being an astronaut.
很高兴能在这见到你们这样优秀的选手 It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too.
喂 祖父 你难道不觉得 Hey, grandpa, don't you think we should
我们应该自己开始打了吗... 搞毛啊 ? probably start golfing soon... What the fuck?
帮我去捡下好吗 乖 ? Wanna be a lamb and get that for me?
他刚才称你为"祖父" ? Did he just call you "Grandpa"?
谁 佩佩 ? 他是智障 而且很严重 Who, pepe? He's a retard. Got it pretty bad, too.
他认为我是他祖父 He thinks I'm his grandpa.
他平时都只呆家里画海豚 He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day.
我们以前都会让他单独出门 We used to let him out on his own,
只是现在强奸犯这么多 我们实在是... but the raping got so bad that we just...
找到了 Got it.
- 你俩要不要续一杯 ? - 好啊 - You guys want a refill? - Sure.
- 当然 - 我马上回来 Absolutely! Brb!
我为我祖父道歉 I'm sorry about my grandpa.
他状态不太好 He's, um... He's not doing too well.
我祖母昨天刚去世 My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday.
噢... Oh...
其实我是律师 不是智障 I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard.
我处理很多重要事务 I handle of lot of important issues.
证券交易委员会投诉 Sec compliance,
责任协议 合伙协议 之类的 llc agreements. Lp agreements. That sort of stuff.
额 我们准备上路了 Yeah, um, well, I think we're gonna get going.
很高兴认识你 佩佩 Nice to meet you, pepe. Nice...
操 ! Fuck!
喔 喔 喔 ! 怎么回事 ? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
他们去哪了 ? 你做了什么 ? Why are they going? What did you do?
干嘛 ? 我说了事实 What? I told them the truth.
我告诉他们我下周要结婚了 I told them that I'm getting married next week,
而你状态不好 因为你妻子过世了 and you're not well because your wife just died.
难道你是娘炮吗 ? What are you, fucking vagina repellent?
那两个美女想一起聚会的 ! Those cougars wanted to party!
- 他们想开聚会 ? - 没错 ! They wanted to party? Yes!
听听你自己的话 Do you hear yourself?
祖父 你现在是在逗我 ? 祖母才... Grandpa, are you kidding me right now? Grandma...
你这么吵我怎么听得到 I'm trying to listen to myself.
昨天才举行祖母的葬礼 ? Grandma's funeral was yesterday!
你今天就想撩大学女生了 ? Now you wanna hit on college girls?
还看黄片撸管 You're jerking off to porn?
- 你搞毛啊 ? - 杰森 我要做爱 ! What's wrong with you? Jason, I want to fuck!
老天啊... Oh, my god...
40年来我首次单身 For the first time in 40 years
我要做爱 I'm single and I want to fuck.
我要干到天荒地老 I want to fuck until my dick falls off.
我要干死一匹马 然后喝光它的血 I want to fuck a horse and I wanna drink its blood!
我要吐了 I'm gonna throw up.
40年来 我每天都 I was faithful to your grandmother
终于你祖母 every day for 40 years,
即使是跟年期和癌症我都熬过来了 even through the menopause, even through the cancer.
她是我一生的最爱 She was the love of my life.
我每天都会想念她 I'll miss her every goddamn day.
但是她在临终之时是这样给我说的 But she told me on her deathbed,
"你再找一个能陪你的人" "You get back out there again."
我都15年没做爱了 杰森 I haven't had sex in 15 years, Jason,
我要做爱 我要做爱 ! and I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
原来是这么回事是吧 ? Oh, so that's what this is all about?
你根本不是想花时间陪我 This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me.
你只是想让我开车 You wanted me to drive you down to boca
载你来这边陪你撩妹 ? so I could be your fucking wingman?
很显然我犯了个大错 Well, obviously I made a bad decision
因为你简直就是个老妈子 because you're nothing but a cock-blocking machine.
我都不知道你这算啥 I don't know what you are.
你就像以色列"铁穹"防御系统 You're like the Israeli iron dome defense system,
但是发射的是娘炮 而不是导弹 but with vaginas instead of missiles.
- 啥 ? - 你简直就是个 What? You're like some sort of
坏好事终结者 cock-blocking Terminator
从未来派到现在来坏人类的羞羞事的 sent back from the future to cock-block humans.
噢 Oh!
机器人们应该派你去的 The robots should have sent you
而不是阿诺·斯瓦辛格 instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger,
你能很轻松的就坏了约翰·康纳父母的羞羞事 you could have cock-blocked John Connor's parents
而救世主康纳就不会出生 ! and he would never have been born!
闭嘴吧 祖父 ! Shut up, grandpa!
- 闭嘴 ! - 你到底搞什么鬼啊 ? Shut up! What got into you?
我还记得你高中的时候 I remember you in high school,
你简直就是整个校园的 you were ripping people's dicks off
头号猛男 on the football field,
一心想着周游世界 ! talking about traveling the world!
而你现在却在律师事务所整理文件 Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm
而且估计你小便都是坐着的 and probably peeing sitting down.
祖父 我不知道你是 Grandpa, I don't know what you thought
怎么安排这个周末的 this weekend was going to be about,
但我只为一个目标而来 but I came here for one reason,
就是送你到弗罗里达 to get you to boca.
仅此而已 That's it.
好吧 Fine.
现在可以玩高尔夫了吗 ? Now can I please play some golf?
- 他妈的高尔夫 - 好吧 Fucking golf. Okay.
自大的坏好事基佬 Cocky mcblockerson.
搞毛啊 ? What the fuck?
嘣 ! Bam!
谁帮你交的税啊 ? 坏好事事务所 ? Who does your taxes? H&r cock-block?
别闹了 Stop it.
嘣 ! Bam!
你现在还憋着那股坏好事的劲吗 ? Are you still Jenny from the cock-block?
搞毛啊 ? 你对我屁股到底有啥不满 ? What the fuck! What is your obsession with my ass?
你手机震动了 Your vibrator's on.
反正你也进不去 You can't get into it anyway
你又不知道我密码 because you don't know my code.
看来你祖父还记得你的生日 ! Looks like your grandpa remembered your birthday!
啥 ? 还给我 ! What? Give me that!
我们要去代托纳比奇玩了 We're going to fucking Daytona.
我们才不去代托纳比奇 We're not going to Daytona,
高尔夫车钥匙在我手上 because I've got the keys to the golf cart.
你干嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
喂 Hey.
你怎么做到的 ? How'd you do that?
来不来 娘炮 ? Coming or staying, Jack dicklaus?
- 祖父 ? - 赶紧上车了 Grandpa? Hurry up, bubba twatson.
祖父 停车 Grandpa, stop.
你个小娘炮 Gary player-with-my-balls.
把车停下 ! Stop the cart!
你就喜欢被别人上吧 Fred couples-of-big-dicks- in-your-ass.
老天啊 祖父 快停下 ! Oh, my god. Grandpa! Stop!
还喜欢别人射你脸上吧 Michelle wies-all-over-my-face.
这才对嘛 Now, this is what I'm fucking talking about.
简直是疯了 This is so fucked up.
别担心 你可以和你喜欢的那个 Calm down, you'll get to hang out
吉普赛女郎一起玩 with that gypsy girl you like.
- 我又不喜欢她 - 你当然喜欢了 I don't like her. Oh, yes, you do.
所以你当时才没有 That's why you didn't deny
否定你不是<<时代杂志>>摄影师的事 being a photographer for time magazine.
你去和她玩 You can hang out with her,
而我就可以和丽诺尔上床 I can have vaginal sex with lenore.
皆大欢喜 完事后还能 It all works out! We can even go visit
- 去见见我的老战友 臭臭 - 臭臭 ? my old army buddy, stinky. Stinky?
他们在哪个酒吧 ? Which tiki bar are they in?
该死 该死 Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.
- 怎么了 ? - 梅雷迪斯的电话 What's that? It's Meredith.
请还给我 我必须接才行 Please, I've got to answer that.
- 叫她滚粗吧 - 祖父 ! Ah, tell her to fuck off. Grandpa!
我先检查下你手机上的睾酮级别 I'm just gonna check the testosterone levels on your phone first.
祖父 马上把手机还给我 ! Grandpa, give me my phone now!
不出所料 级别很低 Just as I thought. Pretty low.
是梅雷迪斯打的电话 该死 ! This is Meredith calling... Shit!
瞧你干的好事 Now, look what you did,
你把手机丢进这车的阴道里了 you dropped it in the car's vagina.
该死 我得用免提了 God damn it, I have to put it on speaker.
- 一句话也别说 - 不会说的 Don't say anything. I will not say a word.
蛋蛋 ! Ballbags!
嗨 是谁在说话啊 ? Hey! Who was that?
谁也不是 我们在餐厅里呢 抱歉 No one. We're in a restaurant. Sorry.
"谁在说话啊 ?" "Who's that?"
- 怎么了 ? - 好的... What's up? Okay...
我真的非常希望 Well, I really want them
把我们的婚礼启事 to post our wedding announcement
发表到<<纽约时报>>网站上去 on the New York times website
赶在周五彩排之前 before our rehearsal brunch Friday,
我只是想和你商量下 so I just wanted to run your section back to you.
额 我现在不太方便和你商量 Yeah, you know, now's really not a good time...
杰森 ? 能赶紧商量好吗 ? Jason? Can we just do this please?
"能赶紧上路好吗 ?" "Can we do this now?"
"杰森·理查德·凯莉 是谁的儿子 ?" "Jason Richard Kelly, son of..."
"包皮垢博士的" "Doctor smegma Von boxmunchers."
"戴维和布鲁克" "David and Brooke,
"是哪间律师事务所的初级合伙人 ?" "Is a junior associate at the law firm of..."
"娘炮事务所 !" "Cream pie fart and donkey punch!"
- 够了 是谁在说话 ? - 谁也不是 只是个服务员 Okay, who is that? It's no one. It's a waiter
他话比较多 with pretty bad tourette's, I think...
他一直在走过去走过来的大喊 He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit,
我也不知道为啥... I don't know why...
好吧 你们是在哪间餐馆 ? Okay, well, what restaurant are you at?
我都听不清你说话了 I can barely even hear you now.
我们在... We're at Chuck E. Cheese's...
代托纳比奇 ! Daytona fucking beach!
- 代托纳比奇 ! - 没错 伙计 Daytona fucking beach! You're right, buddy!
你们在代托纳比奇 ? You're in Daytona beach?
额... Uh...
听着 我们只是路过代托纳比奇 Listen, we're just driving through Daytona beach.
- 我们正赶去祖父的... - 杰森 ! We're en route to grandpa's... Jason!
我不知道你们为啥在代托纳 I don't know why you're there,
但你最好今晚到祖父家之后 but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house
立马给我打电话 懂没 ? when you get there tonight, okay?
好的 宝贝 我爱你... - Of course, baby. - I love you so much...
- 操 ! - 婚姻本来就很困难 Fuck! Marriage is hard.
那个性感女大学生回了什么信息没 ? What'd the hot college girls text back?
祖父 你发什么消息给他们呢 ? Grandpa, what are you texting them?
- 发个信息而已 - 什么内容 ? I just texted them. What are you texting them?
"我们在沙滩上见" "We'll meet you on the beach."
对 我还加了那个吐舌笑脸的表情 Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out.
我可没开玩笑 祖父 I'm not kidding, Grandpa.
你明白如果我今晚 You realize that if I don't call her
不用你家的电话打给她的话 from your house in Boca tonight,
我就彻底完蛋了 I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked.
老天啊 感觉你这是 Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying
娶了个保释官 your fucking parole officer.
梅雷迪斯就这样 It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man.
她如果不知道 She just gets, like, anxious
我的人身地点 她就会很焦虑 when she doesn't know exactly where I am.
不用慌 人类都这样 Don't panic. It's organic.
嗯 我知道 夫妻经常会吵架 Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time.
但是梅雷迪斯不一样 But it's different with Meredith.
她的吵架方式很特殊 She takes it to another level, man,
而且我向你保证 如果 and I'm telling you, if I don't call her
我不拿你房子的电话打给她 我绝对完了 from your house in Boca, I'm screwed.
是啊 我们的时间可不是用来吵架的 Well, ain't nobody got time for that.
嗯 我知道 Yeah, I know. Clearly.
所以我才不明白 Which is why I don't understand
为什么我们还在这耽搁 how we got so far off schedule.
噢... 生活本来就是大起大落 Oh... Sometimes life is just a fart zone,
风险全由你承担 and you enter at your own risk.
你刚说的话 Have you been reading shit
都是从太阳镜和T恤上看到的 ? off the shot glasses and the shirts in here
然后还拿出来当智言 ? and just saying it like it's wisdom?
我很严肃的好吗 I was seriously trying to talk to you, man.
你明白风险有多高吗 ? Do you realize the stakes here?
- 你真是无法理喻 ! - 笑一个 You're ridiculous! Smile.
你身上一直有部手机 ? You've had a phone this entire fucking time?
你还有什么是我不了解的 ? What else don't I know about you?
你又是怎么会说阿拉伯语的 ? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic?
老爸从来没提起过这事 Dad's never said anything about that.
那是因为你爸 That's because your dad
都不怎么了解我 doesn't really know much about me.
他的大部分童年时光我都在军队里 I was away with the army during most of his childhood.
所以我们并不亲近 So we were never that close.
所以他才不喜欢你 ? Is that why he doesn't like you?
这里没有员工吗 ? Anybody work here?
所有人都给我趴到地上 ! Okay, everybody on the fucking floor!
我这是抢劫 ! This is a goddamn robbery!
都趴下 ! On the fucking ground!
我了个去 你们真该看看自己的表情 ! Oh, my God, you should see your faces!
我只是出去吃午饭 顺便拿下这个马面具 I just left to grab lunch and a new horse mask.
我自己的面具那天在沙滩上弄丢了 呼 ! I left mine at the beach the other day. Whoo!
我还以为你要被吓尿了 小白脸 I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy.
不过枪是真的 Gun's real though.
搞毛啊 老兄 ! What the fuck, man!
放松点 这里可是佛罗里达 Relax, this is Florida.
任何人都可以携带枪支 Everything's a licensed gun range.
你把墙都射穿了 ! You just shot through a wall, man!
- 嘿 - 路上有行人呢 ! Hey... There's pedestrians outside!
再强调一次 这里可是弗罗里达 行人根本不重要 Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter.
- 啥 ? - 那么 ? What? So?
欢迎来到我的小店 Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam.
请问能帮你们什么忙 ? 我叫帕姆 What can I do for you gentlemen? I'm Pam.
你叫帕姆 ? You're Pam?
对 是昵称 Yeah. It's a nickname.
真名叫帕梅拉 Real name's Pamela.
喂 伙计们 绝对不行 ! Hey, no, guys! Absolutely not!
我绝对不会在这家店里向你们贩卖毒品 ! I will not ever sell you drugs out of this establishment!
我们又没让你贩毒 We didn't ask you to sell us drugs.
很好 你们不是警察 Okay, cool. You're not cops.
既然这样 In which case,
欢迎来到毒品店 ! welcome to drugs!
- 老天啊 - 我很有原则 Oh, my God. Now, I'm pretty cool,
所以我只卖自然生长的毒品 so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally.
有大麻 有蘑菇 有冰毒 So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth.
- 冰毒 ? - 对 Meth? Yeah.
这怎么算自然生长了 ? How is that natural?
因为是在我巴尔的摩的地下室里自然生长的 Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore,
如果你懂我意思的话 if you know what I mean.
好吧 Okay, fine.
你们不吸毒 懂了 Drugs aren't your thing, got it.
信息已收到 Message received.
这样的话 In which case,
听着 这里有家很棒的慈善机构 listen, we got a great local charity here.
"帕姆的孩子们" Pam's Kidz.
- 什么意思 ? - 也就是我的小孩们 What's Pam's Kidz? That's my kids.
我和六个不同的女人生了四个孩子 I got four kids by six different women.
我知道 这数字不对头 I know, the numbers don't add up.
他们大多数都发育性残疾了 Most of them are pretty developmentally disabled.
其中一个还得坐轮椅 One of them you gotta push around in a wheelchair.
嘿哟 ! Hey-o!
这才是人类的美德 Now that is the generosity of the human spirit
十分感激你 and I appreciate that.
其中一部分钱会用来给我养小孩 Now some of this money is gonna feed my kids,
其中一部分会用来给我付口交费 some of it is gonna get me a blowjob
付给麦当劳餐厅垃圾箱旁的无牙妓女 by a toothless whore behind the dumpster down at the McDonalds.
- 嗨 - 嗨 Hey. Hey.
嗨 教授 Hi, Professor.
这个躺在沙滩上的大美女是谁啊 Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.
谢谢 Thank you.
我指的其实是他 I was actually talking to him.
刚见面就这么咄咄逼人 我回酒店去了 Yup! Immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.
回去的时候记得别加入不明基佬组织 Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back!
有教授了 百万富翁也有了 So we got the Professor, you got the millionaire.
还有谁要来加入啊 ? How's the rest of the Gilligan's Island cast?
没谁了 We're good.
- 是吗 ? - 嗯 Yeah? Yeah, everyone's good.
好吧 Well, that's good.
这沙滩真棒 Copacetic on the island.
你照片拍得如何了 ? How are those washed-out pictures you're taking
你的闪光灯还开着呢 because you still have the lighting optimizer on?
不是... 怎么调来着 ? They're not... Where is that?
这些新60D型号 Actually, it's really hypersensitive
特别敏感 on the new 60D model.
你得... So you have to...
- 等下 这是啥 ? - 别看 - Wait. What is that? - Okay, nope.
- 你干嘛呢 ? - 还给我 What are you doing? Give it back, Malibu Ken.
- 不会吧 - 怎么 ? No... What?
你居然变成那种人了 You did it. You turned into one of those people.
我变成了那种 I turned into one of those people
关心世界的人 ? that gives a shit about something?
难道你还要把自己和北极熊拷在一起吗 ? Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear?
除非借给我这... Only if you let me borrow...
这啥 沙滩毛衣 ? What is this, a beach sweater?
- 对 - 怎么 你才刚滑雪回来吗 ? Yeah. What, did you just come from skiing?
对 我才滑完 Yeah, I skied in,
好看你拯救世界 just to see you save the world.
一件事一件事的来嘛 One Jell-O shot at a time.
击掌 ! High-five!
要不要我给你抹后背 ? You want me to do your back?
除非你先抹前面 Only if you promise to do my front first.
很乐意 Gladly.
噢 哎哟 Oh. Whoops!
一时失手 That never usually happens.
是吗 ? 我倒是经常体验这种感觉 Really? It happens to me all the time.
- 猜猜看刚是谁在海里拉屎了 - 嗷 ! Well, guess who just took a shit in the water? Ow!
我们找你们一整天了 We've been looking for you bitches all day.
你们跑哪去了 ? Where the fuck have you been?
我们的车在奥兰多抛锚了 Uh, our car broke down in Orlando.
你都不看手机的吗 ? Do you ever look at your cell phone?
真棒 Awesome.
这群娘炮是谁啊 ? Who are these cunt punches?
他们是我们朋友 These are our friends that we met
开车来这的途中认识的 这是科迪和布拉 on the way down. Yeah. That's Cody and Brah.
他们是弗罗里达长曲棍球队的 They're on the lacrosse team at Florida.
他玩长曲棍球 ? This guy plays lacrosse?
我可是参加过大会的 伙计 All-conference, brah!
是吗 ? 糖尿病大会 ? Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
好了 我们准备去和那边那群蠢货比喝酒了 All right, we're about to boat race a bunch of those fucks
一群来自乔治亚大学的蠢货 所以先失陪了 from the University of Georgia up in the room. So...
天啊 他也是乔治亚大学的 Oh, my God! University of Georgia!
- 不会吧 你是乔治亚大学的 ? - 的确是 No way! You're a Hornet? Afraid so.
那你俩也应该参加啊 Well, you guys should get in there then,
老伙计 Edward Jizzumhands.
谢谢 我们会参加的 Well, thank you. We will.
太好了 那到时候见了 Good, that's great. I'll see you up there.
好的 你说了算 Oh, good. Well, you say we'll be there
我们准时到 and on time.
很好 就等你了 Sweet. I will. Yeah.
嗯 我们走吧 Yeah, let's do that.
现在就去吧 No, we should. Let's do it now.
嗯 到时候见 Yeah, I'll see you up there. What...
到酒店的泳池来 Come to the hotel. By the pool.
乔治亚输定了 ! Georgia sucks!
我们能回家了么 ? 她们已经有男票了 Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends.
那两个白痴 ? 他们可不是俩妹子男票 Those meatdick fucks? They're not their boyfriends.
他们只是大四的学生 They're just seniors,
他们只是毕业压力太大 and they're all just terrified and speed-fucking each other
一起上床缓解压力而已 before the ship goes down.
你从不参加春假旅行的吗 ? Didn't you ever go on Spring Break?
没 我没参加春假旅行 No, I didn't go to Spring Break,
我当时在学习法律 'cause I was studying for law school.
再说了 我的酒量已经 Besides, I can't chug alcohol anymore
没以前好了 like I used to, Grandpa.
我一喝酒就会吐 I've developed, like, a gag reflex.
- 呕吐 ? - 嗯 A gag reflex? Yeah.
只是喝酒而已 You're chugging a beer,
又不是叫你吞马屌 not taking down a horse cock, Jason.
走吧 Come on.
乔治亚大学加油 ! Go Hornets!
乔治亚大学 耶... Go Hornets, yeah...
你知道的吧 这些妹子其中一人有疱疹 Hey, you know, one in three of these girls has herpes.
表面上看不见的 Even if you can't see it.
老天啊 闭嘴好吗 Oh, Jesus. Nut the fuck up.
这只是场大学聚会而已 你个娘炮 安啦 ! It's just a college party, you nance. Chill!
你们在这啊 Hey, here they are.
我准备去拿点啤酒 你要什么 小基佬 ? I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes?
要不要给你来点好喝的 ? 要王老吉吗 ? You want some of dat drank? Some of dat purple drank?
还是说给你来点 Some of dat purple-ass muthafuckin'
东三雪碧 ? pimp-dick drank?
你到底是谁啊 ? Who the fuck are you?
这摇滚乐真够劲 It's a pretty rockin' party.
呼 Whoo.
是"Who Let the Dogs Out" Who let the dogs out?
对吧 ? Am I right?
小鲜肉 在开始之前 Sir, before we start, would you prefer
你要不要来点汽水压压胃 ? if we gave you a spritzer to chug?
- 啊... - 给你瓶格瓦斯 ? Ah... Maybe a Pinot Noir?
你输定了 老家伙 You're going down, old man.
没人比我更能喝 Nobody chugs like me.
我相信你 你肯定喝了好多年布拉的精液了 I bet. You've been chugging Brah's cum for years.
上吧 Let's go.
喝 ! Chug!
喝 喝 ! Go! Go! Chug!
还挺好玩的 It's actually kind of fun.
嗯 其实我还没完全 Yeah, I'm not really, you know, for sure,
确定... per say...
毕业之后该做什么 what we're doing after graduation.
我的意思是 I mean,
- 有人邀请我们... - 吧啦吧啦 we have offers to play... Blah, blah, blah...
去欧洲打职业长曲棍球 professional lacrosse in Europe,
- 但是也有群星探... - 哔哔哔哔 but a bunch of agents... Words, words, words...
想让我们当模特 所以... also want us to start modeling, so...
再问一遍 这些事里都包含了这个死胖子 ? And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here?
大伙们... You guys...
你们快来看啊 Uh, you have to come see this right now.
好的 我们队赢了 ! All right, our team won!
来买点本地毒品吧 Let's celebrate by buying local drugs
卖家是信誉良好的本地毒贩 from a reputable, local drug dealer.
嗨 你在这干嘛呢 ? Hey, what are you doing here?
我在这卖毒品啊 I'm selling drugs, man.
我准备让小孩上幼儿园呢 I'm trying to put my kid through preschool.
你真够诚实的 ! How honest is that!
你就摸我脸吧 兄弟 Touching my face a lot, bro.
多摸摸看 Touching my face a whole lot, man.
来点这个吧 绝对爽歪歪 Why don't you take some of this. This'll mellow you out.
- 这是啥 ? - 电子香烟啊 伙计 What is it? E-cig, bro.
装大麻的吧 ! "E" Is for "Weed"!
你喜欢就好 Sure, why not?
这口真够大的 Yeah, ooh, that's a big... That's a big one.
噢 ! Oh!
呼 ! Whoo!
庆幸你抽的不是这根吧 这可是霹雳可卡因 ! Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack!
- 啥 ? - 没错 What? Oh, yeah!
这根... 等下... This one... Oh, wait a minute...
好像你手上那只才是可卡因 而我这根才是大麻 Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed.
等下 你怎么又犯傻了 帕姆 ? Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam?
操 等下 到底哪只是可卡因 ? Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack?
好吧 我来说明下 别被吓到了 Okay. I got this. Don't freak out.
抱歉让你担忧了 老兄 你肯定不会相信的 Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this.
两根都是可卡因 They're both crack.
啥 ? What?
而你抽的那口量 And you have taken an amount
估计30分钟后你就死了 that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes.
- 我抽的是可卡因 ? - 是啊 I just smoked crack? Yeah.
而且是很大一口 But just, like, a lot.
我抽了可卡因 I just smoked crack.
我抽了可卡因 ! I just smoked crack!
美国 ! Usa!
我就说嘛 Told you.
他没事的 只是喝醉了而已 He's fine. He's just a little drunk.
呼 ! Whoo!
大家都爱可卡因 ! Everybody loves crack!
小蜜蜂也爱可卡因 Bee loves crack.
小蜜蜂也爱可卡因 Bee loves some crack.
我们最好去帮帮他 We should probably go help him.
蛰死你 ! Sting? You're stung!
我去 我找到蜂后了 Oh, shit, I just found my queen.
好了 All right.
我们去帮他 Okay, let's help him.
借过下 杰森 ! Excuse me. Jason!
- 杰森 - 杰森 Hey, Jason. SHADIA: Jason.
杰森 Jason. Jason.
呼呼 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
我要永生了 ! I'm gonna live forever!
聚会开始 ! Party on!
该死 ! Oh, shit!
1 2 3... One, two, three...
- 喂 ? - 你到底跑哪去了 ? Hello? Where the fuck have you been?
额... Uh...
昨晚我们 We got to Grandpa's a
到祖父家比预想中晚了些 little bit later than we thought last night,
而我的手机充电器坏了 and my phone charger wasn't working.
好吧 我们错过了 Well, you know we missed the deadline
在<<纽约时报>>上发表结婚启事的时间 for our wedding announcement to be in the Times.
你现在在哪 ? 在附近吗 ? Where are you? Are you close?
额... Um...
听着 昨晚祖父特别伤心 Listen, Grandpa got really upset last night.
所以我今天 So I'm just getting
上路比较晚 a little bit of a late jump here.
我想让你看看给伴娘配的花 I want to show you the bouquets for the bridesmaids.
把摄像头打开吧 So switch to FaceTime, okay?
该死 宝贝 祖父家的网络信号不是太好 Shit! Baby, the reception at Grandpa's isn't very good...
杰森 赶紧打开 ! Jason, just fucking do it!
好的 马上就好 正在切换 Okay, one second. Switching over.
操操操 ! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
你脸上的是沙子 ? Is that sand on your face?
是木屑而已 It's just sawdust
我之前车库帮祖父整理... because I was helping Grandpa in the garage, so...
所以我脸上很自然的沾上了木屑 I naturally got the dust of the saw on the face.
- 嗨 宝贝 - 杰森 Hi, honey. Jason.
老妈 ? 老爸 ? Mom? Dad?
你脸上怎么有墨水 ? Is that writing on your face?
噢 我昨晚睡前在写结婚誓言... Oh! I was working on my vows late last night and...
嗯... Hmm...
然后我睡着了 所以脸上有墨水... And I fell asleep and I got some pen on my face, so...
是啊 事实肯定就是如此 Yeah, that must be the exact thing that happened.
梅雷迪斯把我们叫过来是因为 Yeah, Meredith called us because
她昨晚一整晚都没你的消息 she hadn't heard from you all night.
我们请了位拉比来写婚礼誓言 We got the rabbi here to work on the vows.
你好啊 杰森 Boker tov, Jason.
嗨 你好 Hey. Shalom.
杰森 说真的 你额头上画的是啥 ? No, Jason, really... What is on your forehead?
是由丁丁组成的纳粹十字 It's a swastika of penises.
才不是 No, that's not what it is.
而且栩栩如生的射了你一脸 Acting as a pinwheel of ejaculate...
不是不是 是视频聊天的特效而已 No, no, no, it's a FaceTime effect.
现在好多小孩都这么玩 All the kids are using them these days.
还有光明节的特效 看到没 ? There's a Hanukkah one. See?
我觉得丁丁纳粹十字比这个还好看 I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks.
好了 我们来讨论一下婚礼誓言吧 Okay, let's discuss the wedding vows.
杰森 你先告诉我们你为什么 Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all
喜欢梅雷迪斯吧 what it is you like about Meredith.
好 我从哪开始说啊 她那么... Yeah, where do I start? She's...
你好啊 Hello.
额... Uh...
你好啊 小蜜蜂 Hello, buzzy bee.
啥 ? What?
如果你想不出有啥优点 If you can't think of anything,
就说她外表好看啊 白痴 lean into them looks, dawg.
我能摸摸小蜜蜂吗 ? Can I touch buzzy bee?
我已经爱了她... 你不能摸小蜜蜂 ! I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee!
额... Um...
我喜欢她的... I love the way that she, um...
你干嘛呢 ? 快住手 ! What are you doing? Stop it!
滚蛋 ! 你要害我惹... 赶紧滚粗 ! Go away! You're getting me in... Fuck, go away!
你的小蜜蜂好多毛啊 ! Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy!
他说什么呢 ? What did he say?
我不知道该从哪说起 I just don't know where to start.
- 让我摸摸小蜜蜂 ! - 不能给你摸 ! Let me touch buzzy bee! You can't have the bee!
啥 ? What?
我要玩小蜜蜂 ! I want to stroke the bee!
不能给你玩 ! You can't stroke the bee! Okay?
- 我要亲小蜜蜂 ! - 不能给你亲 ! - I want to kiss buzzy bee! - You can't kiss the bee!
我喜欢她亲吻的方式 I love the way that she kisses.
- 你个熊孩子 ! - 喂 ! Ow! Kid! MAN: Hey!
- 我的天啊 - 喂 ! Oh, my God... MAN: Hey!
- 死变态 ! - 完蛋了 Fucking pervert! Oh, no.
我得挂了 抱歉 I got to go right now. I'm sorry.
我爱你 拜 ! I love you. Bye!
别别别 杰森 ! No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
快过来 我说了叫你别跑远 Come on. I told you to stay with us.
他让我玩了一把 He let me stroke it.
喔喔喔 ! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
等下 他指的是小蜜蜂 Hold on! He's talking about a pee... A bee.
小蜜蜂玩具 A little stuffed bee.
啥蜜蜂 ? What bee?
本来这个部位有蜜蜂挡着的 ! There was a bee here, man!
特别柔软 他让我用嘴亲了 It was so soft. He let me kiss it.
不对 我可没让你亲 ! No, I did not let you kiss it!
你乱说什么呢 ? What are you talking about?
- 他根本没有... 啊 ! - 你死定了 ! He did not even... Ahhh! You're fucking dead!
老爸 你真酷 ! Dad, that was cool!
该死 Oh, shit!
能给我条裤子吗 拜托... May I have some pants? Please...
噢 天啊 真抱歉 当然可以了 Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Of course.
完全没问题 Yeah, absolutely.
要卡其裤还是运动裤 ? You want khakis or sweatpants?
卡其裤 谢了 Khakis, please.
什么牌子的 ? 工装裤那种 ? What brand? You like Docker's?
- 没错 - 好的 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah? Okay.
好的 你是穿30码吧... All right. You're like a 30...
没错 30码可以 Uh, yes, 30 is fine.
我可穿不上30码的 What I wouldn't give to fit in a 30.
20年前或许还有可能 Maybe 20 years ago, you know.
也就是我7岁的时候 When I was seven years old.
- 嗯 - 好了 Yeah. All right.
顺带一提 我准备出去买点午饭 Also, I'm going to step out and get some lunch.
你想吃三明治吗 ? Do you want a sandwich?
我超想吃三明治 I would love a sandwich.
火腿 ? 火鸡 ? Ham? Turkey?
- 火鸡 ? - 火鸡 Turkey? Turkey.
真有趣 我自己也挺喜欢吃火鸡的 That's so funny, because I'm a turkey guy myself, you know.
太感谢你了 Thank you so much.
要加蛋黄酱吗 ? Okay. Absolutely want mayo on that?
- 不了 谢谢 - 好的 Uh, no, thank you, no. Okay.
- 多加点蔬菜 - 多加蔬菜 ? Uh, extra veggies. Extra veggies?
- 是的 谢谢 - 没问题 Yes, please. You got it. Absolutely...
盐和醋 Salt and vinegar.
还要盐和醋是吗 ? You want salt and vinegar as well?
是的 谢谢 Yeah, thank you.
你得注意钠摄入量 You gotta watch that sodium.
因为摄入多了会导致血压升高 All right, because that's what drives your blood pressure up.
而高血压就是无形杀手 And blood pressure is a silent killer.
火鸡 好的... Turkey... Okay... All right...
还有最后一项 你愿不愿意 Yeah. And, uh, finally, do you want to be sodomized
被一个心理年龄只有7岁 而且自称为"乒乓" by a man with the mental age of seven
的男人强奸 ? who calls himself "Ping-pong",
还是说你想被同一个人 or do you want to be shivved
刮毛 ? by the, uh, same guy?
如果你有时间的话就给我说一声 Just let me know what time works out for you,
因为你这是在蹲监狱 'cause you're in fucking jail.
好了 加里 我拉完了 已经很晚了 All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late.
我还得开店呢 伙计 I gotta go open the store, buddy.
我知道 但是你昨天试图卖毒品给中学生 I know, but you tried to sell peyote to middle schoolers.
啥 ? 拜托 你还不了解我吗 What? Come on, it's me. Pam.
别犯浑 Don't be a dick.
拜托嘛 我才拉了一泡稀 我想出去了 Come on! I just had watery diarrhea. I wanna get out of here.
- 臭死了 ! - 的确臭 It stinks! It does stink.
好吧 让你出狱吧 All right, let's get you out of there.
好耶 呼 ! All right. Whoo!
我不喜欢蹲监狱 I don't like being in a cage.
等下 你要放他出去 ? Wait, you're letting him out?
他可是毒贩子 你怎么会让他出去 ? He's the one that sold drugs. Why are you letting him out?
老兄 这样可不行 ! Hey, man! Not cool!
你这样出卖我真够无情的 That's a real dick move throwing me under the bus.
你扯毛呢 ? What the fuck are you talking about?
昨晚就是你在贩毒 You're the one that sold drugs last night.
喂 伙计 Hey, guy.
告密者都没好下场 懂吗 Snitches get stitches! All right.
你最好把嘴闭紧点 So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro.
没错 告密者都没好下场 朋友 Yeah. Snitches get stitches, my friend.
我叫帕姆 My name's Pam.
你这人真是无可救药了 You are just incorrigible.
- 嗨 你好啊 芬奇 - 你还好吗 ? Hey. How are you, Finch? How you doing, hon?
- 很高兴见到你 嗨 - 芬奇 珍·芬奇 Good to see you. Hey. Finchy. Jean Finch.
- 没错 - 本市最美警花 You got it. Most beautiful woman on the police force right here.
其实只有我一个女人... Jeez. The only woman...
- 有件事 - 什么 ? Here's the deal. What's up?
我进来的时候随身带了一包毒品 I came in here with a bag of drugs.
我不向你撒谎 I'm not gonna lie to you.
没拿回来我可不能走 I can't leave without it.
- 你们能帮忙吗 ? - 能 Can you guys hook me up there? Yeah.
- 噢 加里 - 就是这包 ? Ooh! Gary! Yeah. These yours?
- 谢了 加里 - 接得好 Thanks, Gar-bear. Oh, nice catch.
请记住下周二就要选举了 Please remember next Tuesday is the election.
请为我投市长票 Vote for me for mayor.
今年我一定能赢 I'm gonna win this year. I'm gonna beat that goat.
- 帕姆 ! - 天啊 他这人真不错 Pam! Pam! FINCH: My God. He is just a good one.
- 他最棒了 - 又有爱心又努力奋斗 He is the number one... Lover and a fighter...
好吧 听我说 Okay, listen.
伙计们 我真的很尊敬你们的工作 Guys, I really respect the job you guys do.
我打心底里这么认为的 I'm being completely honest from the bottom of my heart,
我敬仰你们 我也为法律奋斗 I look up to you. I fight for the law.
- 谢谢夸奖 都没人对我们说过这种好话 - 从没有过 Thank you. No one ever says that to us. Ever.
我小时候的梦想就是当警察 That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid.
变得和你们一样 I wanna do what you guys do.
大部分人都只会 Mostly people just call
叫我们蠢猪 然后拿一堆垃圾食品砸我们 us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us.
我对于这场误会十分抱歉 但是请听我说 I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me,
求你们了 你们得知道我是律师 please, I have to let you know I'm a lawyer.
- 哇 ! 你是律师 - 等下 Whoa, whoa! You're a lawyer? Wait a second.
是的 我是律师 Yeah, I'm actually a lawyer.
- 哇 可你完全没有律师的样子 - 是的 Whoa. You don't look like a lawyer. No.
真的 我是名公司律师 Yeah, I handle, like, uh, corporate stuff.
比如企业协议 Like, uh, like LLC agreements.
- 合伙人... - 我没听懂 我根本不懂你说的啥 LP... You lost me. I don't even know what that means.
- 你根本没有犹太人的样子 - 确实 I mean, you don't look Jewish. No.
仔细想想的话 其实挺搞笑的 If you think about it, it's actually pretty funny.
我这样的人居然进监狱... Like, ending up here on this side...
确实很搞笑 真是太奇怪了 It is. That is funny. It is so weird.
- 很有黑色幽默的味道 - 确实 It's darkly ironic. It really is.
完全正确 黑色幽默 Yes, exactly. Dark irony.
我记得不是得至少80岁才能当律师吗 I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer.
得上好多学呢 对吧 ? Lawyer. Like, it's a lot of school, right?
没错 Yeah.
确实得学习很多 It's a lot of school.
监狱(测试) The bar...
是我已经通过了的 It's something I took and passed.
而不是被关在里面 It's not something I stand behind.
是啊 Yeah.
我不是罪犯 简单的说 I'm not on this side, typically,
我只是... and I just, uh... I just...
我很清楚我的权利 我现在希望打电话 I know my rights and I would love my phone call.
- 异议 - 驳回 Objection. Overruled.
- 请求接近法台 ? - 拒绝 ! Permission to approach the bench. Denied!
啥 ? What?
- 当律师真容易 - 太容易了 It's easy to be a lawyer. It's so easy.
我希望打电话 I would love my phone call.
好吗 ? Okay?
我很清楚自己的权利 我希望打电话 I know my rights. I want my phone call.
让我打电话 Give me my phone call.
我有理由打电话... I should have a phone...
这是我第一修正案里的权利 This is my First Amendment right.
这是我第一... 吧啦吧啦... It is my first... First and foremost... Page one, number one...
第一修正案规定我有权利打电话 amendment says that I get my telephone.
而最重要的是 我能打电话吗 ? And most of all, can I get a phone call?
这是我第一修正案里的权利 This is my First Amendment right.
你好像不明白我有权利打电话 I don't think you understand that I'm guaranteed a phone call.
我可不会这么讲话 I don't sound like that.
是吗 ? 那你是怎么说话的 ? Yeah? What do you sound like then?
肯定不是你这样的 Um, not like that. I don't think I sound like that.
把我的电话给我 Give me my phone call.
拜托 请让我打电话吧 Oh, please, will you let me have my phone call? ...phone call.
我是一名美国公民 而我有权利... I'm an American and I'm fucking guaranteed...
我是一名美国公民 I'm an American.
我有权利打电话 I am guaranteed a phone call.
我有拨打电话的合法权利 Legally, it's my right to have a phone call.
我说我是一名美国公民 I just said I'm an American
我有权利打电话 and I'm guaranteed a phone call.
嗯 他开始发号施令了 Hmm. Well, now he's getting demanding.
- 是啊 - 我们最好赶紧把电话给他 Yeah. We better give him his phone call.
最好赶紧把电话给他 Better give him his phone call.
伙计们 拜托 Guys, come on. Come on, please.
这根本... 你们干嘛要这样 ? It doesn't... Why are we doing this?
这是你的电话 对吧 ? This is your phone right here, right?
是我的电话 没错 That is my phone. Yes.
给你说吧 Well, you know what?
我们得用你的手机打个电话 We get to make one phone call on your phone.
所以说估计会有点误会 That's where you're just a little bit mixed up.
嗯 希望你的套餐还有话费 Yeah. Hopefully, you're not out of "Framily" Minutes.
- 别别别 - 嗯 我们打个电话给Uber叫计程车 No, no, no, no, no... Yeah, we get a free Uber ride on that.
- 要打了 - 载我们出去吃午饭 Go ahead. Take us out to lunch.
嘿 这样吧 我们再给你设立个 Hey, you know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with
Tinder账号(约会交友) a Tinder account too.
噢 那Grindr账号怎么样 ? (同性交友) Ooh, how about Grindr. What about...
快看 有人通过好友请求了 Look at this, look at this.
"何菲" 读音正确吗 ? "Jefe", is that how you pronounce that?
耶 你觉得何菲如何 ? Yeah, how about Jefe?
让你单独和何菲聊聊 ? Yeah. Huh? Little alone time with Jefe?
他喜欢轻度交流 性爱抚 和调情 He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting, flirting...
调情取乐 Flirtations.
他外观就是个死肥宅 Hmm. He looks thick and lonely.
你晚上8点和他见面 你得带上清爽酒 You'll meet him at 8:00. You'll bring wine coolers.
还有... And...
小号避孕套 Children's condoms.
- 我来拍张照片 - 噢 Just gonna take a little picture. Oh.
- 裤裆门 - 嗯 就小照几张 Snatch-chat. Yeah, a little snach-chat.
请别这么对待我的手机 Please don't do that with my phone.
希望你的摄像头是广角的 Hope you got a wide angle lens on that.
噢 ! 哇 Oh! Wow.
开玩笑的 Kidding.
有人为他交了保释金了 给这个变态一条裤子吧 Somebody just posted his bail. Get that pervert some pants.
好了 All right.
这几条裤子 These were a couple pair of pants
是90年代的一群狂欢失事的受害者的 from murder victims from a 1990s orgy gone bad.
有沾精液的和沾血迹的 We got semen-stained or blood-stained.
你想要哪条 ? Take your pick. What's it gonna be?
- 血迹的 - 那就给你精液的好了 Blood. Semen it is.
- 终于出来了 - 别 Hey, there he is. No.
一句话都别和我说 Don't even fucking talk to me.
我知道昨晚有点偏离轨道 Oh. Look, I know things got a little chaotic,
但是我已经快撩到丽诺尔了... but I'm so close with Lenore...
你他妈到底什么毛病啊 ? What the fuck is wrong with you?
我马上就要结婚了 祖父 ! I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa!
就在下周 ! 要和一个犹太女孩结婚 ! In one week! To a Jewish girl!
而我现在却进了监狱 And I just woke up in fucking jail
额头上还被画了几根丁丁 with a bunch of penises on my forehead
还摆出了纳粹十字的形状 ! in the shape of a swastika!
可以称其为"丁丁十字" Could call it a swasticock.
- 啥 ? - 文字游戏而已 What? It's a play on words.
噢 原来是文字游戏啊 Oh, it's a play on words.
文字游戏啊 A play on words.
那你接下来试试这句话 Play on these words.
我把你送到 I'm dropping you off
你老战友的家里去 at your old army vet buddy's house,
由他来送你去博卡区 he's gonna drive you to fucking Boca.
我不送你了 Because I'm fucking done with you.
你又看啥呢 ? What the fuck are you looking at?
我无法从你的乳头上移开视线 I can't help staring at your tits.
啪 ! Pow!
你到底搞什么鬼啊 ? What the fuck is wrong with you?
臭臭在越南的击杀数 You know, Stinky had more confirmed kills
是我们连队的最高纪录 118人 than anyone in our platoon back in 'Nam? 118.
闭嘴吧 Shut the fuck up.
这是哪啊 ? What is this place?
我不知道 也不在乎 I don't know. Or care.
至少和我一起进去瞧瞧吧 At least just come in with me.
确认下我们没走错 Let's make sure it's the right house.
你先请 After you.
年度最佳孙子 Grandson of the year.
包里有你祖母的骨灰呢 Your grandmother's ashes are in there.
她被埋在棺材里的 去你妹 She's in a coffin. Fuck you!
迟到总比不做好 Oh, well, better late than never.
耶 ! 干死他们 埃尔夫 ! Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!
混球 ! Motherfucker!
臭臭 ? Stinky?
你在这干嘛呢 迪克 ? What the fuck are you doing here, Dick?
这个啊 ? Oh, this?
没啥大不了的 肝衰竭 Nah, this is liver failure.
那女同性恋是谁 ? Who's the lesbian?
他是我孙子 杰森 That's my grandson, Jason.
真的 ? Yeah?
他是来和我玩撕逼的 ? Is he here to scissor with me?
你这话太冒犯女同性恋了 Okay, that's just offensive to lesbians.
真抱歉啊 小娘炮 I am very sorry, k.D. Lang.
宾果游戏时间到 Time for Bingo!
走吧 臭臭 推你出去转转 Come on. Stinky, we got to get you the fuck out of here.
走了 Come on, let's go.
别 我只剩一个月可活了 迪克 Uh, I got one fucking month left, Dick!
我可不想你见到我这个样子 I don't want you to remember me like this, man.
我希望我在你的记忆里是战士 I want you to remember me as a warrior.
- 求你了 你走吧 - 可是... Please. Leave me be. But, Stinky...
别 先让我说完 迪克 No, no, no... Just let me finish, Dick.
把你孙子留下来 Leave me your beautiful lesbian grandson
让他把我口交致死 so he can blowjob me to death.
我的人生已经结束了 迪克 It's all over for me, Dick.
我现在只想玩宾果 You know, all I wanna do is play Bingo.
你走吧 Go.
准备好了 ? All ready?
宾果 ! Bingo!
我对于你朋友真遗憾 祖父 I'm sorry about your friend, Grandpa.
总会发生这种事 So it comes to this.
在身体死之前 你就会放弃生活 Even before you die, you just stop living,
人生就像一场闹剧一样 and it's all one fucked-up facsimile of the real thing.
我们得回去 We have to go back.
我知道 Yeah. I know.
我开车载我们回家吧 I'll drive us home.
不是亚特兰大 是代托纳比奇 Not Atlanta. Daytona.
啥 ? What?
我必须上了那个妹子 杰森 I have to fuck that girl, Jason.
- 天啊 祖父 ! - 真的 我必须上她才行 Jesus, Grandpa! I do. I have to fuck her!
祖父 你现在只是太伤心了 Grandpa, you're just depressed.
因为祖母刚死 你有点迷失了方向 You're confused right now because of Grandma.
祖母也希望我这么做 Grandma wanted me to do this.
- 啥 ? - 她在死前告诉我的 What? Yeah. She said when she died,
她希望我看开点 she wanted me to move on
继续前进享受人生 and live my life the way I wanted to,
而你知道我现在想干嘛吗 ? and right now, you know what I want to do?
我想要那个女大学生给我口交 I want to get my dick sucked by that fucking college girl!
这样对你有什么好处 ? What is that going to do for you?
能让你找回年轻的感觉 ? Is that going to make you feel young again?
对啊 有什么问题吗 ? Yeah! Yeah, what's wrong with that?
是吗 ? Yeah?
找回年轻的感觉 我现在还剩什么 ? Feeling young again? What do I have?
过世的妻子 将死的朋友 A dead wife, dying friends.
如果运气好 还剩下几年健康的时光 A few fucking good years left if I'm lucky.
给你说吧 一想到这点我就害怕 And you know what? It fucking freaks me out!
是的 Yeah.
我不指望你能了解 Look, I don't expect you to understand.
你还年轻 You're young.
你还有好多日子在等着你 You have a long, long time
还没到你害怕的时候 before you have to look into that abyss.
但是就我的观点来看 和那妹子上床 But the way I see it, having sex with that girl
就是我最后的怒吼 is my last stand.
而且没你帮忙我根本成功不了 And I can't do it without you.
所以我请求你 So I'm asking you.
拜托了 杰森 Please, Jason,
再多陪我在这多待一天吧 just stay one more day so I can do this.
求你了 Please.
好了 代托纳比奇 谁想看脱衣表演 ! Okay, Daytona Beach! Who's ready for a Flex Off!
我说的可是叫男生上台来 I'm talking about dudes getting on stage,
脱光光 ! getting ripped!
耶 ! Yeah!
是的 我明天就回家 我保证 Yes, I'll be home tomorrow. I promise.
我知道 And I know... Yes,
我知道晚宴对于事务所来说很重要 I know the dinner is important to the firm...
等下 有人打电话过来了 Hold on, I'm getting another call.
可能是梅雷迪斯打的 拜 It might be Meredith. Okay? Bye.
- 喂 ? - 嘿 是我 Hello? DICK: Hey, it's me.
有人一拇指戳进了我的屁股 Someone just stuck their thumb up my ass.
啥 ? What?
是的 我就站在这里 Yeah, I was just standing right there,
打着电话 talking on the phone,
结果有人突然跑到我背后 and someone came right up behind me
一拇指戳中了我的菊花 and stuck their thumb up my ass.
- 你有没有看清他的脸 ? - 千年杀 ! Did you see who it was... Jamba!
操 ! 别犯二了行么 ! Ow! Fuck! Stop doing that!
家里情况如何 ? How'd it go on the home front?
你觉得呢 ? How do you think?
我们走吧 Come on. Let's go.
走吧 Come on.
<<壮志凌云>>2人组 ! Top Gun in the house!
麦德林和古斯 ! We got Maverick! We got Fat Goose!
有挑战者吗 ? Do we have a challenger?
这里 这里 ! Right here! Right here!
这两个人 ! These two! She wants to! These two.
挑她去 ! Pick her!
谁敢接受挑战 ? Who will accept this challenge?
你敢上台的话 You go up there, I'll let you do
今晚我任你摆布 whatever you want to me tonight.
- 好吧 我上了 - 好耶 ! All right, I'm doing it. Okay!
- 啥 ? - 呼 ! What? Whoo!
别别别 你开玩笑的吧 ? No, no, no! Are you kidding me?
我昨晚看到你的身材了 比科迪的好多了 I saw your body last night, it's a lot better than Cody's.
而我的身材肯定也比 And my body sure as shit looks better
台上那两头蠢货好得多 than that fucking Shamu's up there.
现场可有1000多号人呢 There's, like, 1,000 people out here!
结果却只有一个老头敢上台 A lost old man has wandered on stage.
你是他的保姆吗 ? Are you his nurse?
我不干了 No. Fuck no.
快上台 快上台 ! Get on stage! Get on stage!
就当为了我 Do it for me!
快上台 快上台 ! Get on stage! Get on stage!
参赛选手是"壮志凌云"队 So we have team Top Gun
以及老变态和他的同性恋女儿 versus creepy old guy and his lesbian daughter.
好了 代托纳比奇 准备好看脱衣表演了吗 ? Okay, Daytona Beach, are you ready to Flex Off?
3 ! 2 ! 1 ! Three! Two! One!
脱 ! Flex!
怎么 不会脱衣服吗 古斯 ? Ooh, having trouble getting that coat off, Fat Goose?
额... Uh...
瞧瞧他啊 Look at this guy!
他就像特蕾莎修女的阴道一样 ! He's like Mother Teresa's vagina!
虽老但紧 ! Old and tight!
快瞧啊 一看就是个基佬 Hey, look, it's Cirque du So Gay!
接下来呢 ? What now?
欧哦 这老头子晕倒了 ? Uh-oh! Has the old man fallen?
额 难道是 Uh... Or is it...
单手俯卧撑 ! One-armed motherfucking push-ups!
我了个去 ! Holy shit!
小同性恋也开始了 Lesbian daughter's getting in on the action!
我知道他昨晚磕了可卡因 ! I happen to know he smoked crack last night!
看来药劲还没过 ! These push-ups are fuelled by the devil's candy!
难以置信 ! Unbelievable!
该你们了 小娘炮们 Your move, Dolly Parton.
你们准备怎么做 壮志凌云 ? What are you gonna do now, team Top Gun?
大家请记得 And, hey, everybody, don't forget to stop by.
来我的小店看看 Tam Pam Surf Slam in town
我卖"沙滩毛巾" where I'm selling "Beach towels"
一盎司50块 for 50 bucks an ounce.
"防晒霜" 10块钱一袋 "Sun screen" For 10 bucks a dime bag.
我同时也卖冰毒 ! And I'm also selling meth!
噢 ! Oh!
他俩结婚了 ! Just got married!
该你们了 娘娘腔 Your move, Viagra Falls.
观众都在为壮志凌云尖叫 ! Crowd going wild for team Top Gun!
祖父 交给我吧 你看好 ! Grandpa, I got this. Watch!
展肌姿势 1 2 3 Most muscular, on three. One, two, three.
噢 这货好像放屁了 Oh! I think this guy just sharted!
我才没有 ! No, I didn't! Yes!
快叫救生员啊 他好像拉肚子了 Call a lifeguard, I think there's been a shart attack!
麦克风都没在我手上呢 I'm not even holding the mic right now.
滚粗吧 ! You suck!
我有主意了 I have an idea.
记得我小时候经常玩的那个动作吗 ? Do you remember that thing we used to do when I was a kid?
没错 Yeah.
1 2 3... One, two, three...
等下 这是啥 ? Hold on, what's this?
发生什么事了 ? What is going on?
老天啊 叹为观止啊 ! Oh, my God, what am I seeing?
我这是嗑嗨了吗 当然嗑嗨了 ! Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
但还是难以置信 ! But this is still incredible!
打破脱衣表演的记录了 ! Flex Off history is being made!
现在如何啊 伙计 ? What's up now, Brah?
耶 现在如何啊 伙计 ? Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
对啊 现在如何啊 伙计 ? Yeah, 'sup now, Brah?
现在如何啊 伙计 ? 'Sup now, Brah?
简直难以置信 快掏出你们的手机 ! This is incredible! Take out your cameras!
传到网上去 ! 肯定得火 ! Put this online! This shit is going viral!
该死 放我下去 Shit. Let me down.
大家照下来了吗 ? Did everybody get a picture of that?
你去哪啊 ? What the fuck are you doing?
- 我不能干这种事 - 啥 ? I can't do this... What?
- 天啊 - 脱衣表演 God... The winners
的冠军是... of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...
等下 你们去哪 ? Wait a minute! Where are you going? Wh...
伙计们 你们去哪啊 ? Guys? Hey! Where are you going?
杰森 ! Jason!
别突然就跑了啊 You can't just leave me here like this.
你干嘛跑了 我们马上就赢了 Why'd you stop? We were winning!
因为我是律师 ! Because I'm a lawyer!
我不能被别人看到我做这种事 I can't have people taking pictures of me doing stuff like this.
你能想象下事务所看到我这样会有什么反应吗 ? Can you imagine if the firm saw something like that?
根据规则 脱衣表演的冠军是... By default, the winner of the Flex Off is...
这两个蠢货 These two dildos.
我以后的职业生涯都会处于危险状态... Every single day, my career's in jeopardy...
- 你干嘛呢 ? - 我把打气棒 What are you doing? I'm taking the regulator off
里的校准器取下来 the pneumatic propulsion system.
递罐啤酒给我 Give me a beer.
祖父 你在军队里到底是什么职位 ? Grandpa, what did you really do for the army?
我说过了 我是机修工 I told you, I was a mechanic.
才怪 Bullshit.
你会说阿拉伯语 还会短路点火车子 You speak Arabic. You hotwired a golf cart.
告诉我实话 Tell me the truth.
好吧 我是特种部队的 All right, I was Special Forces!
我在越南和伊拉克在敌人后方训练反叛分子 I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq.
赶紧递罐啤酒给我 Now give me the fucking beer can! Come on!
瞧瞧这蠢货啊 ! Look at this dummy!
真是个白痴 ! What an idiot!
呼 ! Whoo!
耶 再摔一次 ! Yeah! Do it again!
我们去科迪的房间换衣服 我之前摸了他的包 We can change in Cody's room. I picked his pocket earlier.
好了 大家散了吧 All right. Nothing to see here, guys.
马上有警察要来了 Cops are gonna come pretty quick.
我是他父亲 No, no, this is his father, so that's what I'm saying.
让他保持麻醉状态 Keep him heavily sedated,
如果有必要的话 请直接拔掉插头 but don't be afraid to pull the plug if you have to.
谢谢你 医生 Thank you, Doctor.
他们要明天才能出院了 Okay. They're in the hospital till tomorrow!
这间房今晚是我们的了 The room's ours for the night.
看看这群养尊处优的 Look at these fucking people.
就知道吃喝玩乐 How was brunch at Hitler's house that day?
祖父 我们家族里有其他人 Hey, Grandpa, who else in our family knows
知道你是特种部队的吗 ? that you were, uh, Special Forces or whatever?
没有 就告诉了你一个人 No one, once your grandmother passed.
你父亲早在我的任务 Your father stopped talking to me
被公开之前就不和我说话了 before my missions were declassified.
所以他一直以为我只是个机修工 So he always thought I was just an army mechanic.
但你难道不认为 But don't you think
如果你告诉他真相的话 that you guys would get along a little better
你俩关系会好一些 ? if you told him?
嘿 出来吧 看看你打扮得如何了 Hey, come on. Let's see how you look. Come on out.
首先 First of all,
根本没人会系白色皮带 nobody wears a fucking white belt.
只有空手道技术太差的人 The only people who wear white belts
以及不会享受现实生活的人 are people who suck at karate
才会系白皮带 and people who suck at life.
赶紧把皮带取了 Take the fucking belt off.
而且你最好把那蠢Polo衫 And you better lose that fucking white polo shirt
和起皱的卡其裤换掉 and those pleated khaki pants.
你这是去撩妹 又不是叫你 You're meeting up with girls, not blowing an oil executive
给石油大亨口交 on a fucking golf course.
穿这些吧 Put these on.
提醒你下 Well, in case you forgot,
我从昨晚开始就一直挂着空挡呢 I don't even have underwear, from last night.
赶紧穿吧 我转过身去 All right, just put them on. I'll turn around.
- 丁丁不错 - 老天啊 祖父 Nice dick. Aw, jeez, Grandpa.
丁丁确实不错 遗传到我的了 That's a good dick. You got your grandpa's dick.
虽然长宽高没有继承到 不过风格是一样的 Not the girth, not the length, but same style.
多谢夸奖 That's good to know.
你很幸运不是你父亲 You're lucky you're not your dad.
他继承的是他妈的丁丁 He's got his mom's dick.
什么鬼 ? What the fuck?
赶紧穿裤子吧 Now put your pants on.
该死 是梅雷迪斯打来的 Shit. It's Meredith.
别接 Don't answer it.
我这周就要彩排了 My rehearsal brunch is this weekend.
今晚不准打电话 No calls. For one night,
别再担心你的婚礼了 拜托 stop worrying about your wedding. Please.
有两个性感又漂亮 We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls
而且还是在性欲高峰期的大学生 at the peak of their sexual powers
准备今晚和我们共度春宵 about to meet us at one of the last great nightclubs in Florida.
担心好这事就行 Worry about them.
好吧 Okay.
你在这好像不太受欢迎 I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.
你才是该为自己担心的那个人 Hey. You're the one that's going to have to watch out.
当心被"奥利奥"了 You might get Oreo'd.
奥利奥 ? Oreo'd?
也就是两个黑人干一个白人 That's when two black guys fuck a white guy.
而你就是中间那层奶油 You're the cream in the middle.
嗨 真高兴你们来了 Hey! Glad you guys made it.
我们去狂欢吧 ? Let's go get fucked up. Right?
我继父恨我 ! My stepdad hates me!
走吧 ! Let's go!
狂欢到怀孕 ! Party till you're pregnant!
天啊 我最爱这首歌了 ! Oh, my God, I love this song!
你不会心脏病发作吧 ? You're not gonna die on me, are you?
- 应该不会 - 好耶 ! I don't think so. All right!
- 走吧 - 不不不 Come on. Oh, no. No.
把帽子给我 ! Oh, yeah. You want it? Come here, give me that hat!
天啊... Oh, my God...
给我 ! 这算啥 ? Give me that! What is this?
嘿 嘿... Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
别惹我那黑人私生子 Leave my illegitimate black son alone.
我们只是邀请他跳舞而已 We were just asking him to dance.
他可不想跳舞 Well, he don't wanna dance.
那你来替他跳啊 Well, maybe you wanna dance instead.
- 我也不想跳舞... - 肯德基上校 ! I don't wanna dance... Colonel Sanders!
没事 没事 It's all right. It's all right.
别在里面惹事 Let's not dirty this place up.
这里是圣堂 辛那特拉在这唱过歌 有本事去停车场 ? It's a shrine. Sinatra sang here. Parking lot?
不会有事的 It'll be fine.
怎么可能没事 瞧瞧这帮人啊 How is this going to be fine? Look at this crew.
走吧 我们也有挺棒的队伍 Come on. We have a good crew too.
我们又没队伍 We have no crew.
我们要去J.Crew买衣服 ? Are we going to J.Crew?
J.Crew的衣服丑死了 Fuck J.Crew.
别这样 Don't do this.
估计我得和他们所有人打 I think I'm going to have to fight them all,
所以你得去吃第一拳 so you're going to have to take the first punch.
- 啥 ? - 好了 他先上 What? Okay! He's up first.
随便了 Whatever.
喜欢吗 小白脸 ? You like that shit, white boy?
老兄 你有啥毛病呢 ? Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
啥 ? 你想当下一个吗 婊砸 ? What? You want next, bitch?
喂 不是说好了我是下一个吗 Hey, I thought I had next.
向他道歉说不应该取笑他是Gay Tell him you're sorry you made fun of him for being gay.
对不起 我不该取笑你是Gay的 ! I'm sorry I made fun of you for being gay!
给他说你和他生在不同年代 Tell him you were raised in a different era,
但是你现在已经认识到了 but now you know it's wrong to judge people
不应该根据别人的性取向批判别人 based on their sexual orientation.
而且如果你非得为了某种理由 And that if you had to be gay with someone
和谁搞基的话 for some reason,
你懂的 比如为了防止恐怖袭击啥的 you know, to prevent a terrorist attack or something,
那个人就是他 it would be with him.
啥 ? 嗷 ! What? Ow!
快说 Say it.
如果我非要通过搞基 If I had to be gay with somebody
来阻止恐怖袭击 to prevent a terrorist attack,
我肯定会选你 ! it would be you!
接受你的道歉了 Apology accepted.
好了 Okay.
趁我还没用另一只手的时候赶紧滚蛋 Get out of here before I use my other arm.
这事没完 This ain't over.
怕怕啊 ! Ooh! Oh!
赶紧带着你的小娘炮滚蛋吧 Now fuck off and take Jodeci with you.
我们走 Let's roll.
太可惜了 丽诺尔吐了自己一身 Ah, it's too bad Lenore barfed all over herself tonight.
要不然我肯定能和她上床 I definitely could have had sex with her.
嗯 Yup.
而且要是她只吐在前面了 I probably could have still had sex
而不是吐得满背都是的话 if she just threw up on her front,
我估计就要直接上她了 but she somehow got it all over her back,
不过事后我肯定会很内疚 and I would have felt bad.
骑士精神还没死 Well, chivalry isn't dead.
我欣赏你今晚挺身而出的勇气 I like the way you took that haymaker tonight.
有时候就是万事开头难 Sometimes you just gotta take that punch up front, you know?
坚持下来后面就轻松了 Then things get easier in the long run.
"De Oppresso Liber." "De Oppresso Liber."
你刀上也刻着这段话 It's written on your knife too.
代表什么意思 ? What does that mean?
嘿 12点后要熄灯的 男生们 Hey, lights out after 12:00, boys.
最好别让我逮到你们 I better not catch you swimming
游泳过河到女生宿舍去 懂没 ? across the lake to the girls' camp, okay?
- 晚安 - 晚安 Night. Good night.
或许我明天约沙迪亚 You know, maybe I'll find something to do
出去玩玩 with Shadia tomorrow
这样你和丽诺尔就有独处的时间了 and give you and Lenore a little more alone time.
我感觉我俩就是在给你们当电灯泡的 I kind of feel like we're just getting in your way.
是吗 ? Yeah?
我敢肯定有些... I'm sure there's something...
什么鬼 ? 你把衣服全脱了 ? What the fuck? Did you just get naked?
裸睡身体好啊 Well, it's the best way to sleep.
老天啊 ! Oh, my God!
我从乌干达友人那学来的 I picked it up in Uganda from the Umbatdo.
要是你的丁丁再碰到我的大腿 Umbat-don't let your junk touch my leg again
你就滚去睡地板去 or you're sleeping on the floor.
晚安 Night.
杰森... Jason...
什么鬼 ! 我了个去 ! The fuck! Oh, my God!
这些人干嘛要砍树 ? What do these guys want to cut all the trees down for anyway?
砍了建个什么 For some stupid, like,
又巨大又俗气的娱乐设施 massive, tacky entertainment complex.
你知道的 那种有拱形游廊的 You know, the ones with, like, arcades
还有激光标签的那种 and laser tag. That sort of thing.
激光标签 ? 我最喜欢激光标签了 Laser tag? I love laser tag. Yeah.
- 什么时候开业啊 ? - 很好 真是谢谢你啊 When does it open? Nice. Thanks a lot.
- 沙迪亚 - 嗨 格利兹 Shadia! Hi, Griz.
你上次拍的波斯顿照片真漂亮 Oh, my God, your pics from the Boston rally look amazing!
- 谢谢 - 不客气 Thank you. Yeah. Absolutely.
这草球卷得不错 Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
这不是草球 伙计 这只是表面上的名字而已 It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg. That's the trade name.
本质上是大麻卷 It's an organic hemp-seed foot satchel.
这富家公子跑来这干嘛啊 ? And what's someone from the fucking laser tag lobby doing here?
我只是沙迪亚的朋友 No, I'm just a friend of Shadia's.
嗯 我朋友 Just a friend.
这玩意挺酷的 是什么 舞球 ? That's pretty cool, man. What is that, a dance ball?
什么鬼 ! Fuck! What the fuck?
- 你可真逗 - 舞球... - You're fucking kidding me. - Dancing ball...
什么鬼 ! What the fuck!
这是个4英寸的丙烯酸杂耍球 It's a 4-inch acrylic juggling orb!
混球 Dick.
那下周再见了 Um... I'll see you guys, uh, next weekend.
- 没问题 - 好的 拜 Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah? Okay. Bye.
你项链真漂亮 Love your necklace.
拜 Bye.
嘿 格利兹... Hey, Griz...
别碰那玩意 是镭射标签公司的 Don't touch that, it's from Laser Tag.
抱歉 Sorry.
他们都是好人 我发誓 They're good people. I swear.
给我看看 Let me see that.
你怎么会认识"这些好人"的 Where are you going with these "Good people"?
我们准备一起合租 We're heading out to the coast
一条船 期限1年 to, um, charter a boat for the year.
- 1年 ? - 对 For the year? Yeah.
用来做什么 ? To do what?
我们准备记录 We're documenting the effects
海洋的气候变化 of climate change out on the ocean.
你不是这周就要毕业了吗 ? Aren't you supposed to graduate next weekend?
对啊 Yeah.
感觉你在逃避某些东西 Seems to me like you're running from something.
你难道就没有做过牺牲 Come on, haven't you had to make sacrifices
就爬到了现在这个大牌摄影师的位置 ? to get where you are as a photographer?
当然有过 但是... I mean, yeah, but...
是有区别的 That's different.
来瞧瞧 Look at this.
我讨厌自己的照片 I hate photos of myself.
为什么 ? Why?
你看上去这么漂亮 You look beautiful.
看到没 ? See?
喂 Hey.
等下 冷静点 Wait, just calm down.
什么 ? What?
该死 我们马上到 Shit. Yeah, we'll be right there.
- 怎么了 ? - 得走了 What's going on? We gotta go.
然后我从厕所出来吼 And then I came back from the bathroom
之前在俱乐部里的那群黑人 and all those black guys from the club
把丽诺尔和理查德教授围住了 were, like, standing around Lenore and Dr. Richards
他们大吼大叫的 还威胁他们 and they were yelling at them and threatening them
然后把他们绑架了 ! and they, like, kidnapped them!
而且我看到他们其中一人有枪 ! And I think one of them had a gun!
你看到他们被带去哪了吗 ? Did you see where they took them?
没有 No.
那群人住在蒂尔曼酒店 Those guys are staying at The Tillman.
我只知道这点 And that's all I know.
- 好的 - 走吧 Okay. Come on!
- 快走啊 - 该死 Come on! Shit!
怎么了 ? What?
我闻到大麻的味道了 I smell marijuana.
嗯哼 Mmm-hmm.
你拿水桶干嘛 ? What are you going to do with a bucket?
我也不知道 ! I don't know!
好的 数3声 准备好没 ? Okay, on three. Ready?
1 2 3 ! One, two, three!
让我再试一遍 Okay, let me try one more time.
The GZA, the RZA The GZA, the RZA,
Ol' Dirty Bastard Ol' Dirty Bastard.
怎么回事 ? What's going on?
和黑帮有关的事 Gang stuff.
大厨瑞空 ! Raekwon the Chef!
还有表演家 ! And the Method Man!
原来你们在这啊 ! 你们的抗议游行如何了 ? Hey! Here they are! How was the protest?
额 挺顺利的 Uh, it was good.
嗯 挺顺利的 Yeah, it was good.
这位是 拉马尔 小克里斯 大克里斯 This is Lamar, Lil' Chris, Big Chris,
莫里·芬克尔斯坦 Murray Finkelstein.
还有你们之前见过面的泰·瑞松 And, of course, you've already met Ty-rizone.
这老黑鬼真是个疯子 That nigga's crazy, man.
不过"黑鬼"这称呼到底怎么回事啊 ? Yeah, what's with the N-word, anyway?
我有时候能说 我有时候又不能说... I can say it. I can't say it...
取得我们同意之后你才能说 You can say it when we let you say it.
指的就是永远别说 Which is never.
任何情况下都别说这词 Just never say that under any circumstances.
二手烟 ! Oh! Shotgun!
到底怎么回事 ? What the fuck is going on?
我还以为这伙人要杀了你 I thought these guys wanted to kill you!
黎巴嫩红雪茄 Lebanese Red.
我之前参军的时候 I had some of this left over
在中东搞到的 from my time in the Middle East.
只要你请别人抽这玩意 You throw some of this shit around,
啥麻烦都能脱身 you can really get away with anything.
来根试试 Have some.
你现在开始抽雪茄了 ? You're smoking grass now?
老天啊 这东西会上瘾的 祖父 Jesus, this is a gateway drug, Grandpa.
嗯 而你就是个胆小鬼 Yeah, well, you just opened the gateway to being a pussy.
- 试试吧 - 教授 Take some. Yo, D.
我们闪人吧 ! Let's fucking bounce!
去哪 ? Where?
一切都安好啦 And everything is all right
金对我丢信号了 而她可以上床一整晚 I got a beep from Kim And she can fuck all night
把大伙都叫上吧 Called up the homies and I'm asking y'all
你们平时都在哪打篮球 ? Which park are y'all playing basketball?
派我上场 看我发威 Get me on the court and I'm trouble
上星期随便玩玩就拿了三双 Last week fucked around And got a triple double.
我能说吗 ? 能说吗 ? Can I say it? Can I say it?
别别别 No! No, no.
说吧 ! 说吧 ! Say it! Say that shit!
黑鬼们都和迈克尔·乔丹一样 Freaking niggas every way like MJ
我今晚一定要上了他 I'm totally gonna fuck him tonight.
嗯嗯 我能旁观吗 ? Uh-huh. Can I watch?
因为我现在也想上他了 'Cause I kind of want to fuck him too now.
把麦砸掉 ! 把麦砸掉 ! Drop the mic, baby! Drop the mic, baby!
这才对嘛 ! That's what I'm talking about!
下台了 黑鬼 ! Peace out, niggas!
唱得好 伙计 I see you, boy.
太棒了 ! Nasty!
下一首歌由沙迪亚和杰森表演 Up next we have Shadia and Jason!
到我们了 Yep, that's us now.
啥 不不不 What? No. No, no, no, no.
- 不 - 来嘛 No... Come on.
我们绝对没祖父唱得好 我才不要唱 We can't top that. I don't want to do this.
你会唱这首歌的 歌词都倒背如流的 看到没 ? You know the song. You know every word. See?
你要让我唱完整曲 ? You're going to make me do it all alone?
好吧 Fine.
嘿 Hey.
为了无数次你对我的支持 For all those times you stood by me
为了所有你让我明白的真理 For all the truth that you made me see
为了你带给我的无穷欢乐 For all the joy you brought to my life
为了你更正的所有错误 For all the wrong that you made right
为了你使之成真的每一个梦想 For every dream you made come true
为了你给我的全部的爱 For all the love I found in you
我将永远心存感激 I'll be forever thankful, baby
让我振作起来的你 You're the one who held me up
对我永不放弃 And never let me fall Yeah, yeah
你伴我度过 You're the one who saw me through
这一切的一切 Through it all
当我虚弱无力时 你就是我的力量之源 You were my strength when I was weak
当我缄默不语时 你就是我的口舌代言 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
当我视而不见时 你就是我的明亮双眼 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
你发现了最好的我 You saw the best there was in me
当我无力攀登时 你把我托起 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
你对我坚贞不渝 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
因为你相信我就是我 I'm everything I am.
我去 Damn!
你到底是哪个明星啊 ? Who are you?
我只是想说 唱歌这么棒的人 I'm just saying, who sings that well
居然不是职业歌手 ? and isn't a professional singer?
你唱歌这么棒 居然还做这种破工作 You're so good at singing you actually suck!
你们要不要来杯睡前酒 ? You guys want to come up for a nightcap?
嗯 额... Yeah, well...
看看能不能有进展 ? See if shit gets real?
年轻小伙子和我 Well, uh, young Michael Buble and I
准备去泳池边抽根雪茄先 are gonna have a stogie by the pool, so...
好的 Okay.
- 待会见 ? - 嗯 See you up there? Yeah.
我希望你知道我有多感激 I want you to know how much I appreciate
你为我做的这一切 杰森 you doing this for me, Jason.
孙子能给祖父最棒的礼物就是 The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather
一个愿意趁老头子死前 is a hot college girl who
不带套和他做爱的性感女大学生 wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.
大部分祖父都只想着要吃太妃糖 Yeah, well, most grandpas just want toffee.
怎么了 ? What's the matter?
我估计我得取消婚礼了 I think I'm gonna call off my wedding.
额 当一个人结婚之后 确实得持续好多年 Well, when you get married, it's for a long fucking time.
确实很困难 And it's hard.
所以最好选择一个 So it damn well better be with a woman
生活比较有趣的女人 who keeps things interesting.
你知道你祖母 You know your grandmother,
有次想亲手种盆栽吗 ? she tried to grow her own pot plant once?
- 是吗 ? - 嗯 Really? Yeah,
她只是想验证下自己有没有这能力 she just wanted to see if she could do it.
她总是在这种小事上给我惊喜 She was always surprising me like that.
而且我们每五年会尝试一次肛交 We also tried anal once every five years.
真棒 Sweet.
我真想念能有个分享一切的人 I miss having someone to share everything with.
把沙迪亚蒙在鼓里 It's not fair to just keep Shadia
不公平 in the dark like this.
从我们一开始 这一切就是建立在谎言上的 Since we started this, it's just been one big lie.
她根本不知道我的身份 She has no idea who I am.
我得给她说清真相 I have to tell her the truth.
或许今晚不是时候 Uh, well, maybe telling her tonight is a little abrupt.
感情里最重要的部分就是信任 The most important part of a relationship is trust.
没错 That's right.
而我要从现在就开始信任她 And I'm going to start now.
又或者你可以等我今晚和丽诺尔上了床之后 Or you can just wait till I have sex with Lenore tonight,
你再给沙迪亚全盘托出 then you can tell Shadia everything.
不行 我撒不下去了 No. I'm just lying.
杰森 我是你祖父 Jason, I'm your grandfather!
你得等我上完妹子之后再告诉她 You wait till I fuck that college girl!
- 我现在就告诉她 - 杰森... I'm telling her now. Jason...
杰森 杰森 ! Jason! Jason!
杰森 ! Jason!
现在如何啊 伙计 ? 'Sup, brah?
走开 大奶男 Back off, D cups!
这不就是传说中的"教授"吗 Well, if it isn't the "Professor."
现在的网络真是发达 You know, it's amazing what you can find
光靠个名字就能搜出一大堆资料 with a name and Google these days.
你不是教授 ? You're not a real professor?
天啊 ! 你居然撒谎 你怎么能这样 Oh, my God! You lied to us. How could you.
等下 等下 接下来才是最棒的部分 Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part.
接下来才是最棒的部分 This is the best part.
理查德"迪克"凯莉 陆军中校 Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel
服役于美国陆军 in the United States Army,
又名美国角斗士"氮气" also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro."
你到底搜了啥啊 ? What the fuck did you Google?
好吧 接下来还有另一个最棒的部分 Okay, well, there's another best part then.
"杰森·凯莉将和梅雷迪斯·戈德斯坦结婚" "Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein"
"地点杰利科神庙 时间3月27日 星期六" "At Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th."
等下 也就是说是下周六咯 Oh, wait, that's, um, next Saturday.
等下 你们是爷孙俩 ? Wait, you're grandfather and grandson?
老天啊 简直糟透了 Oh, my God! That is so fucked up.
简直太性感了 额 简直太糟了 That is so hot. I mean, that is so fucked up.
所以说... So...
你下周就要结婚了 ? Are you getting married next weekend?
我本来是打算结婚的 I was. I was getting married,
结果遇见了你 而我现在... but then I met you, and now I don't...
我的天 别对我用这招 Oh, my God! No. Don't pull that shit.
我感觉已经够蠢了 I feel fucking stupid enough as it is.
你也不是教授 ? 那你是摄影师么 ? So you're not a professor? Are you even a photographer?
我是律师 I'm a lawyer.
我处理证券交易委员会的投诉 I handle SEC compliance.
公司责任协议 LLC agreements.
我上来是为了... I came up here to...
你赶紧滚吧 杰森 Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously.
能让我解释下吗 ? Can I have a second to explain?
不行 ! No!
等下 等下 别急 "教授" Hold up, hold up. Not so fast, "Professor."
就我所知 For what's it worth,
我还是想上你 I still really want to fuck you.
- 那我们就去上床吧 - 没错 And we're going to fuck. Yeah, we are.
我们干个不爽不归 We're going to thunder fuck.
我要你射我脸上 ! You're gonna tsunami on my face!
你会喷出一整条尼罗河的水 You're gonna flood like the Nile.
看来我阴道的旱灾终于过去了 Yeah. I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.
村民们终于有东西吃了 The villagers will finally eat.
你要给我口交致死 You're gonna die while you're eating me out.
而你死前最后一口气都是我阴道的味道 I want your last breath to be in my pussy.
丽诺尔 你真是够淫荡的 Lenore! You're such a slut.
- 警察 - 该死 Police! Shit!
没错 警察驾到 That's right. Po-po in the ho-ho.
你们在开大麻聚会吗 ? Some kind of ganja party?
抱歉不请自来了 Sorry to harsh your mellows.
怎么没邀请我啊 ? Where's my e-vite?
- 检查下右口袋 - 这就检查 Is that the jacket? Check the right coat pocket. Check it, man.
好了 转过身去 Okay, turn around. Come on.
那是我的外套 不是他的 That's my jacket. That's not his jacket.
对着墙壁 就这样 Up against the palm. There you go.
来搜搜看 你口袋里都是啥啊 Let's have a look. What've you got in here? Huh?
找到了 Bingo-bango. OMG.
什么鬼 ? 这不是我的 ! What the fuck? That's not mine!
- "什么鬼 ?" - 这不是我的 ! "What the fuck?" That's not mine!
什么鬼 ? 看来春假旅行 The fuck? Well, it looks like Spring Break
终于可以告别毒品了 is finally drug free!
快来 走了 小白脸 Come on, let's go. Let's go, pretty boy.
请吧 ? Oh, shall we?
不 事情可不是这么办的 走吧 No, it doesn't go down that way. Let's go.
我会等你的 祖父 I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
替我保持阴道紧致 ! Keep that shit tight for me!
他就是我的亨利·米勒 He's my Henry Miller.
什么鬼意思 ? What the fuck does that mean?
完全正确 Exactly!
嗨 终于来了 Hey, there he is.
你裤子上有血迹 You got blood on your pants, you know.
你的驾照根本没被吊销 对吧 ? Your license isn't even suspended, is it?
这一切都是你编的 就是为了让我陪你来这里 You made all this up just so I'd come down here with you.
我只是想确保你能来 I had to make sure you'd come.
去你妹 ! Fuck you!
冷静点 解释 哈库拉玛塔塔 Just chill, Jason. Hakuna matata.
你到底是谁啊 ? Who the fuck are you?
我早该在你第一次撩妹的时候 I should have known you were fucking crazy
就了解到你是个疯子的 the moment you started hitting on women
而且祖母才刚过世 ! the day after Grandma's funeral!
你可给我收敛点 Don't you fucking judge me.
你完全不了解我和你祖母的过去 You have no idea what I had with your grandmother.
这几天我干的这些事 And everything I've done these last few days
都只有一个原因 I've done for a reason.
你一结婚就等于断了自己的人生 You were about to fuck up royally by getting married,
- 你自己也清楚 ! - 是吗 ? and you fucking know it! Oh, yeah?
那我现在该怎么办 ? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
跑去追那个 Chase around some college girl
都不愿意和我说话的大学女生 ? that doesn't even want to fucking talk to me?
而且都不知道我接下来的人生该干嘛 ? Not know what the fuck I'm doing for the rest of my life?
对 因为至少这样 Yeah, because at least you'd be thinking
你会为自己思考 for yourself for a change.
这句话到底是什么意思 ? What the fuck does that even mean?
你父亲操控了你成年后的 Your father has lorded over every decision
每一个决定 you've made in your adult life,
而梅雷迪斯就是最好的例子 and Meredith is just the latest example of that!
她又不适合你 杰森 She's not right for you, Jason.
如果你娶了她 你接下来的一生就是行尸走肉 If you marry her, you're going to be sleepwalking
而且会特别不幸福 through the rest of your life and be completely unhappy,
就和你父亲一样 just like your father!
我现在就很不高兴 I am already unhappy with my life,
因为从头到尾我都在被你耍 because I've done nothing but get fucked by you
还被带着到处撩妹上妹子 and this insane fuck rampage that you've been on.
这旅行根本不是为我准备的 It wasn't a "Fuck rampage" For me.
而是为你准备的 It was a "Fuck rampage" For you.
怎么又是为我准备的了 ? How? How is this for me?
我是一个不尽责的父亲 I fucked up as a father.
我没有陪你爸成长 I wasn't there to raise your dad
而他变成了一个唯物主义者 and he turned into a materialistic,
妻管严 平凡无奇的人 henpecked, poop-dick country clubber.
我不希望你变成那种人 I don't want that to happen to you.
原来这才是你的目的 ? So that's what this was?
我就是你的自我救赎棋子 I was your last-ditch redemption project.
恭喜你 祖父 Congratulations, Grandpa.
你以为自己是不称职的父亲 ? You thought you were a shitty father?
你现在也变成不称职的祖父了 Now you're a shitty grandfather.
我不希望在婚礼上见到你 I don't want to see you at my wedding.
以后离我远点 Stay the fuck away from me.
两个大小 喜欢哪个 ? So, do you like this size, or this size?
亲爱的典礼会场主办方说 Hey, hon, uh, the people at the venue
他们没有足够的薄荷纸巾 said they don't have enough mint napkins,
你比较喜欢哪个 ? so which one do you like better?
海沫绿还是淡草绿 The seafoam or the pistachio?
我去开 I'll get it.
是谁啊 ? What is it?
噢 是别人送的结婚礼物 Oh, it's, uh... Just another wedding present.
我希望里面装的是 I hope it's that new big dipping spoon
高档汤勺 from Williams-Sonoma.
献给梅雷迪斯和杰森 And as a tribute to Meredith and Jason
以及你们之前的爱情 and the love that you guys share.
这是一种我不知道的爱 A love I will never know because my dog
因为我自己的狗在我手淫的第一天就死了 died the first day I masturbated.
所以我现在根本硬不起来 除非... So now I can't get hard unless...
好了 Okay.
还有 我们得阻止下ISIS 他们太过头了 Also, we've got to stop ISIS. It's gotten... It's too much.
没摔 没摔 Got it. Got it.
今天我们到来并不只是 You know, today's celebration is much more
为了庆祝两人的结合 than just about the union of two people,
同时也意味着两个家庭的结合 it's also about the union of two families.
梅雷迪斯... Meredith...
凯莉家和戈德斯坦家 The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
请杰森和梅雷迪斯上台讲讲他们自己的故事吧 Let's have Jason and Meredith tell their own story.
讲得好 戴夫叔叔 ! Nice job, Uncle Dave!
为了无数次你的支持 For all those times you stood by me
为了所有你让我明白的真理 For all the truth that you made me see
为了你带给我的无穷欢乐 For all the joy you brought to my life
无穷欢乐 Into my life
为了你更正的所有错误 For all the wrong that you made right
为了你使之成真的每一个梦想 For every dream you made come true
为了你给我的 For all the love.
全部的爱 I found in you
我将会... I'll be...
我将永远心存感激 You've gotta be forever thankful, baby
让我振作起来的你 You're the one who held me up
对我永不放弃 Never let me fall.
放大招吧 Let's go in for the kill.
这一切的一切 Through it all
你被入侵了 You've been hacked.
当我虚弱无力时 你就是我的力量之源 You were my strength when I was weak
当我缄默不语时 You were my voice...
你就是我的口舌代言 When I couldn't speak
当我视而不见时 你就是我的明亮双眼 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
你发现了最好的我 You saw the best there was in me
当我无力攀登时 你把我托起 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
因为你相信我就是我 I'm everything I am
因为你爱我 Because you loved me.
什么鬼 ? What the fuck?
这可不是玛莎文雅岛 That is not Martha's Vineyard.
杰森 ! Jason!
- 赶紧换掉 ! - 我在努力了 宝贝 Take it off! Trying, dear. Trying.
别换掉 Leave them on.
赶紧换掉 Shut it down.
我有话想说 I have something to say.
我感觉这一生所有的决定 I think I've been listening to everybody else
都是遵从别人的意见来的 about what I should be doing with my life.
我祖父说过一句很有意思的话 My grandpa said something really interesting.
好了 把麦切掉 我要上去了 All right, cut the mics. I'm going up.
万事开头难 Take that punch,
后面就简单了 that point forward, things get easier.
- 麦克风断了 - 你的麦克风断线了 The mic's off. Jason, your mic cut out.
啥 ? What?
你的麦克风断线得不是时候 Your mic cut out at the most inopportune time,
我们就不知道 so we can't hear
你为什么要让那些照片留在画面上了 why you want to leave those images up.
敲打不管用的 Hitting it won't work.
他们从源头切断了 乐队 ? If they caught it from the PA... Band?
高什么鬼 ? What the fuck?
尼克 你能替我带句话给她吗 ? Nick, can you tell her something for me?
请告诉她... Can you tell her that, uh...
我非常抱歉 但是我不能娶她 I'm really sorry, but I can't marry her.
你觉得应该由我来宣布这个消息 ? 好吧... You think that message should come from me? Okay... Uh...
雷蒙叔叔 Uncle Ramon,
请告诉梅雷迪斯 杰森很抱歉 can you tell Meredith that Jason's sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but that they can't get married?
我操 ! Oh, fuck!
我忘记雷蒙叔叔是聋子 I forgot Uncle Ramon was deaf
我还自顾自的说了一大堆 and I talked to him like a normal.
鲁本叔叔 Uncle Ruben,
请告诉梅雷迪斯 杰森很抱歉 can you please tell Meredith that Jason is really sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but that he can't marry her?
他说他很抱歉 但是他不能娶你 He says he's very sorry, but he can't marry you.
鲁本叔叔 Uncle Ruben,
你能把音量开大点吗 ? can you turn that thing up a little?
开不大了 It doesn't get any louder.
这到底是啥玩意 ? 终结者 ? Where'd you get that thing, SkyMall?
就按照事情发展的结果来看 At this point, I'm kind of nervous
我很担心我问谁 谁都有残疾 that anybody I pick will have a disability.
好吧 服务员 喂 Okay... Waiter... Hey, Pubes.
请告诉梅雷迪斯 Can you please go tell Meredith
我表哥杰森非常抱歉 that my cousin Jason is very sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but they cannot get married?
额 拜托 老兄 这是我上班第一天 Uh... Come on, man. It's my first day here...
我知道这是你第一天上班 I know it's your first day,
但是大家需要你拿出男人的样子 but everybody needs you to be a man here.
好吧 Okay.
就一句短话... Just real quick...
他叫我来告诉你... He sent me... He wants me to tell you that...
额... Um...
他不能娶你了 He doesn't think that he can marry you.
他很抱歉 但他做不到 But that he's sorry that he can't.
她在大小 看来你已经脱离苦海了 伙计 She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro.
很不错 真的很不错 No, it's good. That was good.
那你回去告诉他 You can just go back and tell him
他不在家的这段时间我上了他表弟 that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone.
她看得很开的 She's so super cool about it.
她当时说的是 "继续吧 做你自己爱做的事" She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you."
她是这么说的 ? She said that?
嗯 我照搬过来的 That's what she said, verbatim.
等下 我该下来给她告别吗 ? Wait. Should I come down and say bye?
不 不用了 ! No. God! Fuck no!
- 不用吗 ? - 对 No? Yeah.
根本用不着... 我们还是别... No need to even... Let's not even...
我只是... 不用劳烦了 You just... I've done it... We're great!
等下 他去哪啊 ? Wait, where the fuck is he going?
杰森 ! Jason!
其实是那个开机车的男人用iPad弄的 It's actually the guy on the moped with the iPad.
国家安全局早就不用这种大面包车了 NSA stopped using utility vans years ago.
我想着既然你把摄影机寄回来了 I figured once you sent the camera back,
就得采取更厉害的措施了 it was time to take drastic measures.
他怎么说 ? 我们真要这么做吗 ? What'd he say? Are we doing this?
后备计划 让帕姆绑架你 Plan B, have Pam kidnap you.
我得把她追回来 I've got to get her back.
你让我绑架她 ? You want me to kidnap her?
我立马就把她装箱子里给你送回来 伙计 I'll bring her back to you in a box, bro.
她正坐在I85线的大巴上穿越弗罗里达 She's on a bus headed west on I-85 across Florida.
她的船在4小时后离港 Her boat leaves in four hours.
追踪她太简单了 It was easy to track her down
我可是在中东练过的 because of the whole Middle Eastern thing.
你肯定没想到为国作战 Bet you never thought you'd 69 a girl
还能帮你撩妹吧 because of the Patriot Act.
把她撩到手 老兄 ! You 69 her, man!
然后她就得死 And then she's dead.
你在逗我吗 帕姆 ? 你开这破车 ? Are you kidding me, Pam? This is what you drive?
是啊 开着冰淇淋车卖大麻 Oh, yeah, it is so easy selling kids drugs
给小孩子最轻松了 from an ice cream truck. It's crazy!
杰森 ! Jason!
- 杰森 ! - 快开车 ! Jason! Go, go, go, go!
杰森 停车 ! 立刻停下 Jason, stop! Stop right now.
停车 ! Stop! Stop!
如果你现在离去 If you leave right now,
你就可以和事务所的工作告别了 you can kiss your job at the firm goodbye!
大卫 能麻烦你滚开吗 ? David, will you get the fuck out of the way!
嘿 拜托 ! Hey, hey! Come on!
什么鬼啊 ? What the hell!
伙计 除非你想买面包或者海洛因 Hey, guy, unless you want a Chipwich or some heroin,
那么就立刻滚下我的冰淇淋车 ! get off my ice cream truck!
这蠢货是谁啊 ? Who the fuck is this slob?
蠢货 ? 我是小老板 ! Slob? I am a small business owner!
而我这样的人就是这个国家的中流砥柱 ! I am the backbone of this country!
而且我手上有电击器 I am holding a taser!
- 喔 我去 - 要我停手吗 ? Whoa! Shit! Dude, should I stop?
- 你干嘛呢... - 我电得正爽呢 What are you... I'm kind of in the middle of it right here.
- 我去 - 好了 Shit! All right.
如果有人硬了请举手 Raise your hand if you've got a boner!
我们该怎么办 ? What were we supposed to do?
把他丢路边 ? Just leave him on the side of the road?
老兄 能开慢点吗 ? Hey, man, can you slow down?
我笔都拿不稳了 You're making this very difficult.
什么鬼 ! 上星期在我脸上 What the fuck! That was you who drew
画丁丁的人就是你 ? all those dicks on me last week?
- 没错啊 就是我画的 被你逮到了 - 老天啊 Yeah, I drew the dicks. Busted! Oh, my God!
该死 ! Oh, shit!
别担心 起身 我们抄近道 Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut through the back roads.
- 啥 ? - 你来导航 我来开车 Wait, what? You navigate. I'll drive.
小心 小心 喔 喔 ! Watch out! Watch out! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
什么情况啊 ? What the hell is going on?
喔 ! Whoa!
- 有人超速了 - 好吧 我们上 ! Got ourselves a bogey. All right, let's do this!
操 ! 我们得减轻点车身重量 Fuck! We gotta lose some of this weight.
帕姆 丢点东西出去 Pam, throw some of this shit out of here!
快看 是帕姆 他属于友好的希腊人 Hey, look, it's Pam. He's the good kind of Greek.
嗨 吉恩 嗨 加里 Hey, Gene. Hey, Gary.
你在哪学会这么开车的 老爸 ? How the hell do you know how to drive like that, Dad?
该死 祖父 告诉他真相吧 ! Damn it, Grandpa. Just tell him!
额... Uh...
我是一名特种部队的绿色贝雷帽 I was a Green Beret in Special Forces.
我深入敌后训练反叛分子 I taught insurgents behind enemy lines.
机修工只是我的掩护身份而已 Mechanic was just my cover.
很好 我们赶上了 Good! We're all made up!
她在哪 就是这辆车 加速 ! There they are! That's them! Let's go, go, go!
- 沙迪亚 ! - 杰森 ? Shadia! Jason?
快停车 我得和你谈谈 ! Stop the bus! I need to talk to you!
你怎么在 What are you doing here
- 一辆冰淇淋车里 ? - 快停车 ! in an ice cream truck? Stop the bus!
- 好吧 ! - 靠边停 ! Okay! Pull over!
我才不要靠边停 ! I'm not pulling over!
真是多谢你了 帕姆 你个告密者 ! Thanks a lot, Pam! You narc!
啥 ! 我才没高密 巴利 What! I'm not a narc, Barry!
去你妹的 ! Fuck you!
帕姆 你认识他 ? Pam, you know him?
是的 他是我铁哥们 Barry? Yeah, he's, like, my best friend.
我卖给了他一大堆迷幻药 噢... I sold him, like, six tons of ecstasy... Oh!
原来这就是他不停车的原因 That's why they're not stopping the bus.
车上全是毒品 It's full of drugs.
真有我的作风 Classic Pam.
- 我认识他们 - 快停车 ! I know that man. Stop the bus!
杰森 你去哪呢 ? Jason, where are you going?
你干嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
他们在干嘛... What are they...
你最好娶了她 You'd better marry that girl.
我 ? 她不是我喜欢的菜 太瘦了 Me? Nah, she's not really my type. Too skinny.
什么鬼 ? What the fuck?
减速啊 ! 天啊 ! Slow down! Oh, my God!
你干嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
喔 喔 喔 ! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
减速啊 ! Slow down, dude!
快上 快上 ! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
去追她吧 ! Go get her, man!
到底什么情况啊 ? What is going on? What just happened?
嗨 我其实也毫无头绪 Hey. I don't even fucking know,
但是我不结婚了 but I'm not getting married.
好吧 难道这样就抵消你之前对我撒谎了 ? Okay, so that makes it okay that you were lying to me?
抵消不了 No. No, it doesn't.
但你得承认我俩在一起的时候 But you have to admit when we were together
感觉特美好 it felt great.
有种很真实的感受 There was something real there.
没错 Yeah.
你想我怎么样 杰森 ? What do you want from me, Jason?
我要你留下 I want you to stay.
我不能留下 I just can't stay.
好吧 Okay. Okay.
我明白的 No, I get it.
嗯 Yeah.
那我跟你一起走呢 ? What if I come with you?
跟我... Come...
真的 ? Really? I mean...
我和未婚妻分手了 丢了我的工作 I just broke up with my fiancee, lost my job.
而且我身上好像有通缉令 所以... And I think I'm wanted by the police, so...
出海一年 A year at sea
或许最适合我现在的处境了 might actually be the best place for me.
好吧 Okay.
别亲了 女同们 Break it up, lesbians! Let's go.
趴到地上 Get down on the ground!
我们针对你就是因为你们是女同 We're doing this because you're lesbians!
趴到地上 ! Get down on the ground!
根据洲际法案第17章37条 According to Interstate Statute 17.37,
在洲际公路上想逮捕人 arrests made on the Interstate Highway System
必须有洲际警察来执行 must be executed by state police,
而不是你们这群本地警察 not your local law enforcement
你们这是越权办事 from your adjacent municipalities.
你好像挺熟悉 You seem, like, really familiar
法律行业的 with the penal code.
感觉你很清楚 You seem real cocksure
不用部门的辖区 about the juris-dick-tion you're in.
非常确信 Real cocksure!
有人在你脸上画了丁丁 白痴 Someone drew dicks all over your face, you idiot!
瞧瞧啊 你脸上全是丁丁 Well, look at that! You got dicks on your face.
中间那根是我比着画的 That middle one's mine. Look it, this one right here.
沿着周边素描的 I traced it.
我就说怎么这么眼熟嘛 I thought I recognized that!
先不叙旧了 放我朋友们走吧 Enough catching up. Let my friends go.
他们一点坏事都没做 They've literally done nothing wrong.
帕姆 这群人妨碍司法公正 Pam, we've got obstruction of justice here.
还有胡乱开车 We got reckless endangerment.
车上还有一车毒品呢 我懂你的意思 The bus is full of drugs, I get it.
噢 说到点上了 我得赶紧闪人了 Ooh, speaking of which, I've got to get out of here.
有一群瘾君子 I got three keys of "Frisbees"
今天要到我的店买东西 所以... showing up at the store today, so...
我可以走了吗 ? I should go, question mark?
开我们的警车吧 Why don't you take my squad car.
- 好主意 - 把钥匙给他 That's a good idea. Give him your keys.
你的意思是这串钥匙 ? You mean these keys?
原来在你那啊 There they are.
- 不愧是帕姆 - 不愧是帕姆 Classic Pam. Classic Pam.
要不要弄点午餐吃 ? What do you say we get some lunch?
很乐意 Love it.
待会再见了 蠢货们 See you fucks later.
额 我要和她一起走 So, uh, I'm gonna go with her.
嗯 你去吧 Yeah, you should.
她感觉是个好姑娘 She seems real nice.
这辆车好像是我们唯一的回家工具了 You know, I think this is our only way back now,
所以我准备去把脸上的丁丁洗掉 so I'm gonna try to get these cocks off of my face
然后把车发动好 and get that truck started.
- 稍等我下 - 好 Just give me one sec. Yeah.
祖父... Grandpa...
谢谢你... Thank you for...
少给我煽情 Don't give me any of that shit.
回来的时候告诉我声就行 Just let me know when you get back.
而且我很想看见你拍的照片被登上<<时代杂志>> And I actually want to see your photos in Time magazine.
这个摄影机花了我3个月的退休金 This camera set me back three months of my army pension.
谢谢你 祖父 Thanks, Grandpa.
对了 杰森... Oh, and, Jason...
嗯 ? Yeah?
在80年代 Back in the '80s,
巨人安德烈 when Andre the Giant
经常会去花花公子宅邸 used to go to the Playboy Mansion,
他会叫5个妹子一起叠在床上 he'd stack five playmates on top of each other on a bed
然后他一次性给她们5人指交 and fingerfuck them all. Five at a time.
就因为他的手特别大 Because his hands were so big.
然后... So...
没了 That's it.
谢谢 祖父 Thanks, Grandpa.
"De Oppresso Liber." "De Oppresso Liber."
绿色贝雷帽的座右铭 Motto of the Green Berets.
意思是 "解救受压迫的人" It means "To liberate the oppressed."
准备好没 ? Hey. You ready?
好了 Yep.
我觉得他肯定找不到比我更好的人了 I don't think he's gonna find anybody as good as me.
真遗憾 但是你知道那句老话的... I'm sorry. But you know what they say...
额... Um...
"难熬的生活锻炼出来的是坚强的人" "Tough times can sometimes lead to tougher people."
- 嗯 - 库尔特·冯内古特说的 Hmm. That's Kurt Vonnegut.
好吧 Yeah.
我操啊 ! Holy fuckin' shit!
以前有没有人给你说过 Has anyone ever told you
你的阴道和英国牧羊犬的一样 ? that you have the pussy of English Sheepdog?
多谢你载我回来 Well, thanks for the ride.
你不会有事吧 老爸 ? You gonna be okay, Dad?
我很想她 I miss her.
但我不会有事的 But I'll be okay.
我是个不称职的父亲 对不起 I was a shitty father and I'm sorry.
慢慢磨炼吧 Well, we'll work on it.
你这人真是难找啊 教授 You're a hard man to track down, Professor.
你穿的是我的裤子 ? Are those my pants?
没错 是你的 Yeah, these are your pants.
我在裤包里找到张维特的原声专辑 I found a Werther's Original in the pocket
我都听了一早上了 and I've been sucking on it all morning.
你明知我不是一名教授 对吧 ? You do know that I'm not a professor, right?
我知道 Yeah, I know.
你只是个下流的祖父 You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa,
而我只是个来自长岛的女孩 and I'm just a girl from Long Island City
而我喜欢上老年人 who likes to fuck old people.
我喜欢你那张沙发 I like your pull-out couch.
是吗 那我给你说 Yeah, well, I got news for you.
今晚你就别想着能睡觉了 That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.
我马上回来 I'll be right back.
嗨 Oh, hey.
听着 我很抱歉 Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
我不知道我能不能行 I don't know if I can do this.
我已经好久没上过床了 I haven't done it for a long time.
糟糕 裤子好像自己滑掉了 Whoops! I guess they just slipped off.
我希望你把我的Bra扯掉 I want you to tear open my bra
就像被警察搜身一样 like it's a social security check.
给我说 你摔倒了 起不来了 Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.
"救命啊 我摔倒了 起不来了" "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
噢 不 ! Oh, no!
用手到处乱摸 Now fumble around and pretend
就像在找你的老花镜一样 like you're trying to find your glasses.
"我的眼镜呢 我看不见了" "I'm trying to find my glasses. I can't see."
"找到了 ! 我看得见了 !" "I found them! I can see! I can see!"
给我说已经4点了 你想吃晚饭了 Tell me it's 4:00 and you want to eat dinner.
"4点了 我想吃晚饭了" 00 and I want to eat dinner."
给我说你遥控上的按键太小 Tell me the buttons on your remote control
搞的你都切不到新闻了 are so small that you can't find Fox News.
"我遥控上的按键太小了" "The buttons on my remote control"
"我切不到新闻了 !" "Are so small I can't find Fox News!"
- 给我形容下按键有多小 ! - "特别小" Tell me how small they are! "They're real small!"
给我说这附近的治安大不如前了 ! Tell me how this neighborhood used to be safer!
"这附近的治安大不如前了 !" "This neighborhood used to be safer!"
给我说美国在艾森豪威尔总统的领导下更好 ! Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower!
"美国在艾森豪威尔总统的领导下更好 !" "Things were better under Eisenhower!"
我们喜欢艾克 ! 我们喜欢艾克 ! We like Ike! We like Ike!
我们喜欢艾克 ! We like Ike!
你这是要射了还是要死了 ? Are you cumming or dying?
不确定 可能都有吧 ! I'm not sure! Maybe both!
"...就算死亡" "...for as by a man came death."
"也能孕育出新生命" "By a man has come also life."
理查德·凯莉二世 Richard Kelly II.
恭喜你们成为孩子的教父母 Congratulations on the baby's new godparents,
- 杰森和沙迪亚 - 嗷 ! - Jason and Shadia. - Aw!
恭喜 ! Congratulations!
快回来妈妈怀里 洗礼完了 Back to Mommy. All baptized.
你真是充满惊喜啊 祖父 Man, you just keep surprising me, Grandpa.
72岁了还能当爸爸 New dad at 72.
这主意真绝了 Great fucking idea.
嘿 主意你的用词 ! Hey, watch your potty mouth!
- 我去 抱歉 - 对啊 今天没漱口吗 Jesus, sorry... Yeah, clean up your language.
尊重点你的新祖母 And show some respect for your new grandmother!
- 抱歉 亲爱的 - 没关系 I'm sorry, honey. That's all right.
宝贝 你就不能抽空来看看我们吗 ? And sweetie, would it kill you to visit us sometimes?
我们好久没见你了 We never see you.
抱歉 奶奶 Sorry, Nanna.
你上次生日有没有收到我寄的卡片 ? Did you get that card I sent for your birthday?
- 有啊 - 嗯哼 Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
收到了 12美刀的价格牌也撕 Yeah, with the $12 check.
特别暖心 谢谢你 That was a very nice touch. Thank you.
谢谢 没错 Thank you. That's right.
嘿 你又长胖了 ? Hey, what are you, gaining some weight?
感觉你脸变大了点 You look a little heavy in the face.
- 你干嘛... - 这一脸的肉哪来的啊 ? No, what are you... Where'd this come from, huh?
- 啥 ? - 这些肉哪来的 ? What? Where'd these guys come from?
- 我们去开车吧 ? - 好 You wanna go get the car? Okay. Yeah.
好了 我去把车开过来 All right, I'll pull around the minivan.
去找爸爸吧 Go to Daddy.
来爸爸抱 There we go, come to Daddy.
就剩你和我了 It's you and I.
有点奇葩啊 It's a little bit weird.
她变成我祖母了 She's my grandma.
而你这小家伙是我叔叔 And you're my uncle.
- 快瞧瞧 - 我去 ! Look at that. Holy shit!
这是根好丁丁 It's a good dick.
老天啊 ! 快遮住 Oh, my God! Put that away.
- 和我们的丁丁一样 - 是的 It's our dick. Yeah.
我很庆幸不是和他一样的 I'm just relieved it's not his dick.
帮我拿下奶瓶 ? You want to get the bottle for me?
- 好 - 你好啊小家伙 Oh, yeah. Hey, how you doin' there?
杰森 你最好检查下你的尿不湿 Hey, Jason. You should check your diaper, bro.
你刚好像拉屎了 I think you just shit your pants.
而且还是在教堂里 在上帝面前 And in church, too, in front of God.
我真不知道你是来干嘛的 I don't get why you're here.
噢 有人拉裤子里了 Oh! Someone made a doodie in their yum-yum.
我就直说吧 I'm just gonna put this out there once.
我知道你宝宝才刚受了洗礼 I know your baby just got baptized,
但是我在坦帕市有个朋友 愿意最高支付6万元 but I've got a guy in Tampa who will pay upwards of 60 grand
来买一个会战斗的 健康的白人男性婴儿 for a healthy, white, male baby that can fight.
这是庄好交易 接了吧 This is a good deal. You should take it.
我不怎么认识这人 I don't know this guy that well,
但是总感觉他特别面善 but he seems extremely trustworthy.
是啊 Oh, yeah, yeah.
- 感兴趣吗 ? - 不愧是帕姆 You interested? Classic Pam.
不愧是帕姆 Classic Pam.
- 敲敲 - 是谁啊 ? Knock, knock. Who's there?
经典帕姆 Classic Pam.
看来重新开始永远不嫌晚对吧 ? Guess it's never too late to start over, huh?
嗯 很高兴能有第二次机会 Yeah. Nice to have a second chance.
或许这次我能 Maybe it won't take me so
当个好父亲了 long to get the father thing right this time.
对吧 ? Right?
我去帮他把座位弄好 I'll go get his car seat.
千年杀 ! Jamba!