Stella!
Hold it.
What?
Ah!
Yes!
Hello!
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
It's episode five, and I'm raring to go.
Look at me, I'm raring, I've just had a massive coffee,
my insides are bubbling, I have no idea what might happen,
I'm genuinely having a panic attack!
So, before I pass out, let's quickly meet our five contestants
and get on with the show.
Please give a huge round of applause for
David Baddiel,
Ed Gamble,
Jo Brand,
not Katy Wix
and Rose Matafeo.
And within perfect swiping reach is a man
who's the living definition of wishy-washy,
because he washes my dishes
and he wishes he could meet his hero -
the singer Pink.
It's little Alex Horne!
I think she's a great singer and a good role model.
Thank you, Greg.
Now, keener eyes will have observed
that the lovely Katy Wix is not with us tonight,
and it falls upon Alex to explain why.
Well, yes, very sadly, Katy Wix has...
She's...
Katy... No, Katy...
Do you want me to take over? She's not dead, just to be clear.
Katy is not very well, I'm afraid,
but she's getting better already,
and she'll join us later in the series.
But, in the meantime, we've been rejoined by an absolute champion.
She's the winner of series seven of Taskmaster, it's Kerry Godliman!
Kerry Godliman!
So excited, so excited.
Kerry, thank you for stepping in. I'm very happy to be here.
I'm sure you will... inhabit...?
Project Katy Wix? Inhabit. Inhabit.
I'm sure you'll inhabit Katy Wix. I think so.
OK, what is the prize category this week?
Now you're asking, and the answer is that
they've been asked to bring in the best defunct thing.
Defunct.
So things that, although defunct, are the best, right?
Right. Yes.
Rose, what is your defunct item?
My defunct item is a sharps bin
filled with used syringes from my flatmate.
Here it is.
Is your flatmate a heroin addict?
No, she has arthritis. Oh.
I mean, keep it light, Rose!
In what way is it a defunct thing?
You can't re-use the bin, you can't re-use the syringes,
it has to be literally, you know, frazha...
What's that?
There's no doubt that that bin has to be prasha...
Thanks. Thanks for getting us off to such a fluffy...
..light-entertainment start.
Jo, what defunct item have you brought in?
It is a Margaret Thatcher nutcracker.
Oh!
Wow.
I mean, I have so many questions.
Is it defunct?
Yeah, well, she's defunct for starters.
Also, I think, you know, people don't really crack nuts any more.
That's the sense in which I think it's defunct,
because you can just buy nuts in a bag.
You still can buy nuts in a shell.
I've cracked a nut before.
At Christmas, you always crack a nut, right?
Do you?
My grandad used to be able to crack a walnut just with his hand.
No. Yeah.
Other than that, wasn't a very nice man.
Keep it light, keep it light!
Kerry. Yes.
What did Katy bring in, and can you fill a minute talking about it?
Well, actually, it just so happens that I have got strong feelings
about what Katy brought in, so that's fortunate.
She has brought in a £5 Woolworths voucher.
There it is. AUDIENCE GASP
Oh, that's great. Yes!
I have no idea why that caused such excitement.
I think you do.
And that wasn't one person, that was everyone. Ooh!
Because there's people of a certain age that are still grieving.
Really?
You could buy all kinds of things, like millions...
You could buy clothes, you could buy gardening equipment, pick 'n' mix.
I mean, pick 'n' mix has gone. It's gone. Yeah.
Because I like my sweeties with a thin coating
of multiple layers of piss.
Who was pissing in the pick 'n' mix in your house?
They did a test, didn't they, on mints?
There was 400 types of piss on the mint.
I didn't know there were that many types of piss.
Ah, it was inaccurate, sue me.
Edward, what have you brought in?
I have brought an extensive guide to the Millennium Dome.
It's got a map which, as you would agree, is completely defunct.
Cos I tried to use it to get round the O2,
and it was absolutely useless.
Where did you get it? Did you buy it?
I ordered it on eBay, it was £18.
What?!
It's a collectable. Well, is it?
Cos when it arrived, I was pretty disappointed.
David, what's the defunct thing you've brought in?
Right, well, this is what I've brought in.
That's a lovely picture of me with my cat, Monkey.
That was taken a couple of years ago.
And this is Monkey now.
Aww.
That's a very top quality photograph
you've had taken with you and Monkey, isn't it?
That's an interview I did in the Daily Telegraph about me and Monkey.
I mean, honestly,
it looks like Monkey's being held against his will there.
Hostage situation.
OK, we're looking for best defunct. What is the worst defunct?
Well, the worst defunct thing for me is a bin full of old syringes.
Oh, God.
I mean, I can't now imagine that I'm giving your Millennium thing
an extra point over a bin full of...
Well, no, because if you look at best and worst objectively,
a guide to the Millennium Dome is a better thing
than a box full of syringes.
Better? Are we judging on better or most defunct thing?
No, not... It's not most defunct thing,
it's best defunct thing! It's best defunct thing.
See, they're all defunct, and how do we rank them, then? Yeah.
No! That's crazy.
That's language! That's crazy!
So, one point to Rose. Are we going two points...?
To Ed. Fourth place. Thank you.
I'm going to give three points to Jo Brand.
I'm going to give Kerry/Katy four points. Four points.
And in first place with five points...
Just because I believe it had an unhappy life
of being held against its will, I have to do it for...
What was its name? David Baddiel.
Oh, Monkey.
Five points and first place goes to the spirit of poor Monkey.
Lovely. Right, let's get on with the show proper, young Horne.
Yes, let's please.
Yee-haw!
That's so sinister.
Hello.
I've got a helmet on.
It looks really scary.
Lasso Alex.
Lasso Alex. Lasso? Lassoo?
That's a lasso. Lasso.
Lasso Alex.
You must stand behind this line at all times.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
Fastest what? Is there a top line?
Oh, lasso Alex.
Am I meant to just chuck it?
Or do you like do this?
Oh, that was a shit laugh.
Should probably dig into the old lassoo, lasso thing, shouldn't we?
Oh, I'd rather not.
Is that a New Zealand thing?
Well, we don't... Yeah.
Do you want to see some lassoing?
Yeah, come on.
OK, we're going to start with someone with a star sign of Pisces.
Ooh. Me. And me.
It's Katy Wix.
I'll just do a trial one.
Maybe I'll just try chucking it like this.
Needs to be longer.
Oh, I know what you do.
You get it going... Yeah. ..and then you slowly let it out, and then...
Ah.
Can I make this bigger?
A lot bigger.
Can you put your head forward?
OK, ready?
Yes.
Oh.
Can you lean forward a bit more?
Yeah, that's great.
Oh, nearly.
Head forward again, please.
That's great.
Best of luck, Karen. I don't know how I'm going to defend that.
You've got to try and talk yourself into even half a point.
I mean, it was... I don't know what to say. It was awful.
You do the thing. I've seen the cow... You hoick it, you get, like,
all of it involved, and then you go wallop! Yeah. That's how you do it.
You go wallop. You always go wallop.
If only we had the Bosh Queen there...
She should have called me.
She should.
Right, it's time for me to palm you off on some dirty old adverts now,
and get Alex Horne to reply to all the fan letters I've received,
weirdly from Terence Trent D'Arby.
Bye-bye, see you in a minute.
Hello!
You're back, and I'm so glad.
Yes, and I'm so Alex Horne, it's not even funny.
Before the break, the lovely contestants
were taking it in turns to lasso me.
Now it's the turn of Ed, Rose and Jo.
When did you last eat?
Nine o'clock.
It's going to be a while till your next meal.
Oh!
Ooh, glad you put that visor on. Mm.
Goddammit.
Just thinking I might move that line.
Very low, that one.
I don't think this is proper cowboy rope.
Can I just move it forward?
Yee-haw!
I'm a cowboy!
You're a lot closer.
Ta-da.
Thanks, Jo.
Turns out I am shit at lasso. Don't look at your watch.
Yee-haw.
Thank you, Rose. Thank you.
Stop the clock.
Come on.
Can we just answer Ed's question. It is genuine... What did he call it?
Cowboy... Cowboy rope. Cowboy rope. I wrote that down,
"I don't even think this is proper cowboy rope."
It wasn't. It was too... It was too sticky for cowboy rope.
Yeah, it was. It was very sticky rope.
It was a genuine ranch lasso with leather-reinforced honda. Waxed...
Yeah. You'll notice that Jo Brand read the task
and then did not move...
..until she worked out a system that involved BASICALLY no movement.
I was doing what I thought was called lateral thinking. Yeah.
Classic Taskmaster stuff. And we all did that in the end, actually.
'Yeah, I did it in the worst way possible, though. Well, you say we all did it in the end.
You realised you could move the line, but thought,
"I won't move it too close."
I have no defence for that.
So, tell me some stuff.
Yeah, well, first of all to say that Jo is right.
It didn't say you can't move the line, so you can move the line.
Same in darts. Tick.
She did it in 80 seconds.
Rose moved the line after one minute,
but then took another minute and 20 seconds.
So, more than half her time was after she moved the line?
Yeah.
So, we've got first and second so far.
Bearing in mind Katy took seven and a half minutes,
Ed - nine and a half minutes.
If only we had the right rope.
Who is next?
Here's Uncle Dave.
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-haw.
Erm, wonder if there's another way round this.
Bit better. With the spoon.
Yeah.
Have to do the spoons idea.
Ready? I'm ready.
I'll be honest... the spoons haven't helped.
OK, can you put your head through here when it comes?
It's definitely coming now.
Can you crouch? Do you mean like kneel?
No... Well, kneel if you like.
Yeah.
You don't have to pray.
OK, now just... No, no, no, stay down. Right, go down a bit more.
Bit more, bit more, bit more.
OK, now just sort of jiggle a bit.
That's it, keep jiggling.
That's it.
Good.
OK, stay there. I feel like a pig. Stay there.
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-haw!
I feel really bad about what I said about Katy now.
David, I would argue that there is not one other person on the planet
who would think that the way to improve your chances
of lassoing something is to tie wooden spoons to the lasso.
I mean, I honestly thought that was the way forward, right.
But the clues were there, Dave! Why didn't you stop at two spoons?
It's just... To get inside David's mind when he goes,
"I'm going to put another spoon on there."
Oh, Dave. Do you want to know how long he took?
Yeah, what was my time? I'm interested.
You took slightly longer than all four of the others combined.
Go, David!
That's great!
Well, it was 24 minutes.
24 minutes, all right.
OK, well, it's the usual, and we got two points to...
..Ed. Fair enough.
Three points to Katy and Kerry. Four points to Rose.
But five points to Jo Brand!
Good. Scoreboards now, you.
Ed is in last place with four.
But the leader at this point, for the first time I think,
is Jo Brand with eight points!
Right, what's next, little Alex who?
It's breakfast time for Daddy.
Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, David.
May I?
Yes, please. Remember may I. Mm-hm.
It always seems a shame to break these...
..nice seals.
Make the most accurate and inventive egg timer.
You have ten minutes to plan your egg timer
and then 20 minutes to make your egg timer.
After which, Alex will boil an egg for as long as your egg timer lasts.
The Taskmaster likes his eggs runny, but not too runny.
Oh, does he, indeed?
You may not use any pre-existing timing devices.
Does that include, like, a watch?
Yes. You can't include a watch?
It says your time starts now, which is ironic
given what we've just said.
I think I'm going to use water.
I need to get the amount... Right amount of water so it's six minutes
of dripping onto your head.
So, that is Chinese water torture. Yeah. Yeah.
What's something that would only last two minutes?
A mint!
How long does it take me to read a page of The Big Fisherman?
"It was a calm, early summer noon in the southern mountains of Arabia..."
I need a pen
or a sharp object.
Could you also give me a birthday cake?
Two glass vases.
Butcher's hook.
Maltesers.
Can I get a birthday card? Just in case. Mm-hm.
You've got one second left.
My instinct is to ridicule David
for asking if a watch is a timing device.
But I shan't. Oh.
Something else caught my attention...
Well, it was two things. One...
Timing how to cook an egg by reading one page of The Big Fisherman.
But don't worry, you were saved when Rose announced
that she was going to use a mint.
Famously used in international time trials.
Who can forget when Roger Bannister broke the four-mint mile?
So, first, we're going to see David again.
We've all seen how he goes about things,
and none of us understand it.
Here he goes again!
Oh, bollocks.
Right, that's all right. That's all right.
I'm just trying to make it look nice.
Oh, fuck!
Hold it, hold it.
Bollocks.
Did it stop?
It stopped.
Mm-hm.
Hmm.
OK, let's start with a positive. I thought it looked the part.
I thought it looked like a well-engineered piece of kit.
I don't know what went wrong.
My feeling is you were under the impression
that any amount of sand...
..falling through any hole will always be three minutes.
Well, you'll seem to remember I spent quite a lot of time
trying to work out the exact amount of sand. Yes.
You did some experiments. Yeah.
They didn't work. OK.
Took the same time as it takes to cook a 3lb lobster -
18 minutes and 4 seconds.
Good. David invented a lobster timer.
OK, time for some commercials.
Bye!
Hello! Here we are again.
All of us just having a lovely old time.
I always worry that I might have peaked, but I haven't peaked.
Just to recap...
..they've been... They've been trying to make the best egg timer
without using any timing devices.
Now we're going to look at the Ed timer.
I want you to be the timing device.
I want you to put a Malteser in your mouth
every second for six minutes.
Every second? Every second.
Right, so it's 360 Maltesers.
Oh, no, we'll change it up every minute
and we'll dress you as an egg.
Mmm.
That's huge.
AUDIENCE GROAN It's pale.
He's not happy.
What are you not happy with?
I gave very clear instructions
to eat one of those things every second
and that would have been exactly six minutes,
which is the perfect soft-boiled egg
so he must have lagged behind on the eating speed.
Oh. ALEX SNORTS
I did one item every four seconds... What?! ..which is not bad.
You did it four times as long as I specified.
It's impossible.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
They've got to go somewhere. Just do that for six minutes!
They've got to go somewhere. Yeah.
It's not rocket science, mate.
It took 28 seconds longer than David's.
18 minutes and 32 seconds.
We're going to see how Katy got on next.
Here we go.
It's quite a big egg timer.
It's quite, erm, it's quite a big egg.
Look, it's twitching.
OK. You all right?
Good.
Thank you for your egg timer. OK. Thank you.
Ooh, it's cold!
Oh, my God!
It's like I'm being stabbed in the head.
There is a bit of give.
But I wouldn't call it runny.
Best so far, though.
It was the best egg so far, you're right.
And now how did you enjoy the Chinese tap torture?
No. It was horrible.
I could see you were genuinely distressed. Yeah, I was.
I don't mind telling you, it gave me a weird happy feeling in my tummy.
Can I ask some questions about Katy's choices? Mm-hm.
Why did we need the fish?
I think that was just a bit of finesse,
but now you've brought it up, I feel like I'm going to mark Katy down.
No, no, no! No!
It was very inventive. It was very inventive.
I think push that. It was really inventive.
It was the same system as David's, really,
but just slightly better executed.
Well, that's not very nice. I didn't fucking torture you.
Do you want to see Rose's attempt?
Dear Alex...
I'm not the Taskmaster.
Oh, it's Taskmaster. Shit.
Oh, lovely.
It's my egg timer. It's a lovely egg timer. Thanks. Enjoy it.
Dear Taskmaster, here are some instructions.
Bring a pot of water to the boil,
reduce to simmer,
then place your egg into pot,
light all five candles on the cake,
when most of the candles burn out to be flush with the cake top,
take your egg and place it in cold, cold water.
Most of the candles are flush with the cake.
He likes it runny but not too runny.
Happy egg day.
Does it say a lot about me that my first thought was,
"She'll be making him eat that whole cake in five minutes"?
You know your way round a boiled egg, though. I do.
I do. And I'll tell you why is because that noise, that, "Ooooh,"
was the sound of a room full of adults...
..being excited by a boiled egg.
I didn't know the ice thing. That's a thing, isn't it?
Yeah, it stops it cooking. It stops it cooking.
I mean, really, Rose, genuinely impressive.
Oh, thanks. One more.
OK, finally, because she's the only one we've not seen yet,
it's Jo Brand.
I'll put the egg in the cold water.
Just before it's boiling, call Jo Brand.
♪ And did those feet in ancient time
♪ Walk upon England's mountains green
♪ And was the holy Lamb of God
♪ On England's pleasant...
♪ Bring me my something else...
♪ And was Jerusalem builded here
♪ Among these dark Satanic Mills? ♪
It's runny. Don't think it's too runny.
That looked like a pretty sweet egg to me.
And how wonderful, after all these years,
for you to find the missing William Blake lyric.
The one that went Nng-nng-nng?
Nng-nng!
I don't know what you want to do points wise.
Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Oh.
Yeah.
We'll give Ed one point, two to David, three to Katy, and...
Well, I'm going to award top spot... Yes.
..to the egg that I visually approved of the greatest.
And that was Jo Brand's.
So it's another five points to Jo Brand!
One more task. Just one more.
Yes, but, sh, please.
Heads down, no talking, thank you.
Ooh, hello. Hello. Hello.
Look, there's a nice man in here, Jo.
We don't know if he's nice yet. He looks nice.
Oh, yeah, you look nice. Thank you. Nice hair. Lovely hair, yeah.
Where should we spit our chewing gum? We've all got chewy in
cos we're cool. I swallowed mine. Sorry.
You swallowed yours? Seven years of bad luck, I know.
No, it's not bad.
Would either of you want to take this?
May I? You may.
Thank you.
Get to know this person.
You will be tested on your knowledge of this person in ten minutes' time.
You may not write anything down or leave the lab.
Oh, it's memory thing, which is bad for us.
You must take it in turns to ask completely different questions.
The person will tell the truth, lie, then brag,
in that order, but not necessarily starting with the truth.
The person will tell the truth, lie, then brag, in that order... Oh, God.
..but not necessarily starting with the truth.
What's the final line of the task?
Your task starts now.
Well, it's all about them creating a system, the teams... Oh, yeah?
..to crack the code.
Do you want to see their revision process?
Yes, please, I'd like to see their revision process.
The revision process. Here we go.
Well, I'm going to ask him if he's sitting on a chair
to see if he's telling the truth or not. OK.
So, are you sitting on a chair?
No. OK, great. So, then...
OK, so the next will be a brag.
What's your name?
Carlos Edwards. Carlos Edwards.
What do you do?
I'm a modern-day Jesus Christ.
That sounds like a brag to me. I think that's true.
What's your name?
It's Gareth Simon Kalyan.
Which is probably the best name you can imagine.
So, now it's the truth.
May I ask what do you do for a living?
I'm a professional magician.
What's your job?
I'm training to be a doctor.
Did you go to university?
I didn't, but I've learned a hell of a lot more in life
than I would've ever learned at university. Great brag.
You're always truth.
Thank you. What's your greatest fear?
The deep ocean.
As in, like, being plonked right in the middle of the ocean.
Being plonked in the middle of it.
How old are you?
Nearly 40.
Have you ever had any therapy?
You're really getting to know me now.
I'm just doing the task.
Do you live in a flat?
I live in a three-storey house on a farm.
Do you live with some farmers?
No.
Do you farm?
Yes.
He's a doctor and a farmer. Yes.
Certainly some lying has gone on.
I've never seen someone on a tractor looking like that, have you?
Have you worked out a system yet, you two?
Is there a system? No. Are we meant to have a system? Yeah, we are.
But we have... We're not using it. Have you ever been in a play?
Do you get on with your parents?
You're getting to the deep stuff. Yeah, well...
Have you ever been to Penge?
Erm, yes.
Do you have a library card?
Yes.
What do you do?
I'm a magician.
Ah, that sounds true to me.
Yeah.
So, what is it? Truth... Lie, brag.
20 seconds left.
Do you have any tattoos?
Yes, I do have tattoos.
What's your best trick?
My best trick is a stage trick
whereby I end up taking my clothes off,
I'm on stage wearing women's underwear.
I think that's not true.
Is that a brag? It's a strange brag.
WHISTLE BLOWS We did OK.
Please leave the lab and head over to the exam area.
It was only really, really late in the day that I realised
we were supposed to have a system.
Cheers.
Nice to meet. Pleasure to meet you, Gareth Simon Kalyan.
That's odd that you know my full name.
Goodbye, magician.
So, we were supposed to actually find out real stuff about him?
It seemed to me, Jo, you worked out there was supposed to be a system
fairly early on and chose not to pursue one.
I just wanted to try and guess instinctively
to see if I had the power.
I like Katy's way. She was like,
"Have you had therapy? Do you like your mum?"
I mean, she really got stuck into it, didn't she?
Yeah, that's how I'd... And he looked genuinely uncomfortable.
Totally, he was. He was kind of like,
"I kind of revealed too much of myself."
Yeah, I thought I was going to come here and someone was going to ask me
if I'd ever been to fucking Penge.
There is an exam coming up in the final part of the show,
PLUS someone will win the powdered remains
of David Baddiel's dead cat, Monkey.
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster for the umpteenth time.
Well, it's the 275th time, actually.
That's not including the first-ever "hello",
as that wasn't a welcome back, that was just a welcome.
Before the break, the two teams had been swatting up for an exam...
..on our mysterious guest, and now it's time for that exam.
Good luck, teams.
Hello, mate.
Sh. Please have a seat.
Please have a seat.
You're a bit high up.
You're a bit low down.
Welcome to the exam.
You may confer. OK.
Then, I will then only accept your first answer.
The exam will last a maximum of ten minutes...
..from now.
Question one. What is your name?
Gareth Simon Kalyan.
What is the person's name?
Gareth Simon Kalyan.
Well, he gave us one name which was Carlos Edwards.
That's the only time he gave us a name. Yeah, let's use that, then.
Carlos... Edwards.
What is your occupation?
I am a professional magician.
I think he is a magician. I agree.
Magician.
What is the person's age?
I don't think we asked.
He's a magician so... We know if he's had therapy or not.
Why aren't they asking about that?
What is your age?
I am 39 years old.
Should we guess? Should we take a guess?
36.
I think he's had some work done. Has he had work done?
Let's say 42. Should we go for 42? It's the only number that he gave.
Yeah, let's go for 42.
What are you most frightened of?
Being completely submerged in the deep ocean.
Being plonked in the middle of the deep ocean.
Final question. What is the person's party trick?
Please do the trick.
You've got 3 minutes 50 seconds.
Erm...
He doesn't really get on with his parents.
Will that be coming up at any point in the exam?
He said something about being on stage in women's underwear.
'He did say that. Which isn't really a party trick.
'Well, I'm not doing that. Have you got women's underwear on?
Well, of the two of us,
'I assume you're the one with women's underwear on.
'We're not doing that trick. You're not doing that trick.
'No, cos I don't want to show you my underwear because, obviously,
'I haven't got my car crash underwear on.
You've got 2 minutes 20 seconds. This is our party trick.
This is the party trick? This is our party trick.
It's to talk about pants.
Our answer is a physical offer.
He does it seven times and then he stops.
What is your party trick?
I can make my tongue really big.
Indeed, you can.
Jo, what's car crash underwear?
It's the sort of underwear that all women are supposed to wear
just in case you're in a car crash.
And then you're lying on the table in A&E and it's not,
like, the grey ones that have got what looks like custard on them.
It's like the nice, lacey... Steady on, Jo,
I'm trying to present a show here, not get turned on.
We know why you'll be in a car crash
cos you're singing Jerusalem down the phone.
No, like this, nng-nng-nng-nng-nng.
That's how you sing Jerusalem.
Do you want to tell them what the scores are?
Well, the team of two got one and a half right.
The team of three got three and a half right.
But we were at a disadvantage.
The right answer fell on the same person every time in their team,
cos they were three, so it was easier to work out.
Right... We didn't have a system because there was only two of us.
That's not why you didn't have a system!
You didn't have a system cos you just walked in,
didn't give a fuck, and then left again!
That was our disadvantage.
As there was, in the end, a two-point gulf
between the two teams.
So, I'm going to give Jo and David two points.
Two points to the team of two. And I'm going to give,
Ed, Rose and Katy four points. OK, four points to the team of three.
There you go. There we go. Well done, well done.
Well, I've got some news for you.
Because, for the first time this series,
I'm offering up a bonus point.
Do you want to tell the...?
They were more excited about the egg.
It goes to the team member who best replicates
the magician's big tongue.
It's not coming out. Why's it not coming out?
Why can't you get your tongue out your mouth?
Jo's is pretty strong.
I'm going to give the bonus point...
..to Jo Brand.
Jo Brand gets one point for a massive tongue!
Woohoo!
Scores, then.
It's tight at the top.
Katy and Kerry, second place with 14,
but Jo's in the lead with 16 points.
Yes!
All right, competitors,
please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.
That all looks pretty straightforward, let's play.
Who's reading out the task?
Ed Gamble, please, today.
OK.
Looking at your mirror and, facing forward at all times,
build the highest tower of bricks on the table behind you.
You must stay on your spot and use your litter pickers at all times.
Highest tower after two minutes wins.
OK, you've got two minutes starting...
What?
You must be facing forwards.
Please face forwards!
Please face forwards.
Face forwards! Face forwards, please.
Face forward, please.
You're doing this for Katy!
Where's my table? Which is my table?
Action here.
Two bricks. AUDIENCE CHEER
OK.
Oww! Someone just hit me on the bum.
40 seconds left.
40 seconds. Was it you?
Not intentionally.
He's clutching his mirror.
No-one said you couldn't clutch your mirror.
Face forward, please.
It's neck and neck. Rose and Ed now. Ten seconds to go.
Fuck you, Matafeo.
Go on, Rose.
WHISTLE BLOWS Please stop!
She's still going.
That is after the whistle!
We'll work out how that's affected the final scores.
Come down here and join me.
Well, everybody had a great time up there, didn't they?
Really enjoyed themselves.
Well, the controversy was...
We saw Ed Gamble stacked a mighty two bricks on top of each other.
Yes. At one point, Rose Matafeo also had two. Yeah.
Well, I freeze-framed the moment when the whistle blew
and I can show it to you now.
She has two stacked.
It's pretty clear. I'm willing to... Look, I'm just...
I've had a very rough episode...
You had a full-blown tantrum.
Quite rightly. You're not even in this show.
Come on. Yes, oh, sorry. Sorry. See a final scoreboard.
So, with a total of one brick that way up,
David and Kerry both get two points for coming joint fourth.
At one brick that way up, Jo Brand gets three points.
Two that way up, joint winners with five points, Rose and Ed Gamble.
Which means that Rose has extended her lead in the overall leaderboard
with 88 points, followed by Ed on 82,
Katy on 80, Jo on 77 and, then, David on 65.
But who's won tonight's episode?
First time winner with 19 points...
It's Jo Brand! Yeah!
I've got a bloody sharps bin.
Jo Brand has won!
Please, go and dabble in your defunct detritus!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you find yourself tortured
by life's existential questions -
who are we, why are we here -
well, I'm afraid I can't help you.
But the one thing I can guarantee
is that the answer to any of these questions
is not tie another spoon on it.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Kerry Godliman,
and get well soon, Katy.
And let's have one more hooray for tonight's winner, Jo Brand!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media