25.000
War Is the H Word
Spider, Hubble, Nit...
Big Pink! The gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
All right, sergeant, $100 of Pixie Stix and porno mags...
...with your 5 percent military discount, comes to $95.
Forty cents.
You forgot our 5 percent discount.
Only for military people.
What? This is the worst kind of discrimination!
- The kind against me! - Look, our policy is...
...if for any reason you're not satisfied, I hate you.
Okay, now I'm mad.
Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.
Hello. We're here because we love our planet.
Sign here, patriots. You'll get your discount cards.
Can we use the cards to buy gum, then quit the Army?
Playing you all for chumps?
Correct. There's no obligation.
Unless, of course, war were declared.
- What's that? - War were declared.
Be careful, Fry. If you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart...
...to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.
I don't want you to worry about your jobs.
That's why I'm firing you now.
I want to enlist. They always die if I'm not there.
Sorry. The Army's policy is men only.
- What? - Shameful, I agree.
In the old days, I proudly fought with female troops, shoulder to shoulder.
After some deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues...
...and harmless pinching, the Army decided women weren't fit.
- Not when I'm in charge. - Someone should teach you a lesson.
If it's a lesson in love, I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.
- What do I call it, Kif? - Sex-lexia.
Men, you're lucky. Soon you'll be fighting for your planet.
Many of you will die for it.
A few will be forced through a fine mesh screen.
They'll be the luckiest.
- Great. We're gonna die. - And this ham gum is all bones.
Now, to present the logistics of our mission...
...welcome the original Gerber Baby...
...Earth President Richard M. Nixon.
This is the brass ring, fellas.
- Planet Spheron One. - Cool effect!
A desolate, ugly planet...
...with no natural resources or strategic value. Questions?
- Why is this planet worth dying for? - Can't say, you're the one who'll die.
So we'll know, who's the enemy?
We know nothing about their language...
...history, or appearance. But we can assume this:
They stand for everything we don't stand for.
Also, they said you look like dorks!
They look like dorks! I'm gonna...
What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue?
Kif, write that down and send it to Humor in Uniform.
That guy makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.
That recruit is phenomenal!
Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds.
And 16 minutes. And 12 hours.
I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
Good hustle, soldier.
Sorry, sir. I was still in attack mode. You know how testosterone is.
As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, I sure do.
- What's your name, private? - Lee, La, Man. La Man. Lemon!
Lee Lemon, sir.
Lemon, you're a man's man. A man's man's man.
More importantly, your hand, while firm and manly...
...is soft as a velvet child. What's your lotion?
Pert and Popular.
Roger that. Get me 10 cases of Pert and Popular.
What about your Jergens?
Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows.
Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've ever seen.
That young man fills me with hope.
And some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing me.
Hello.
Now that's a nice ros�.
Anyway, we open up the panda crate and the thing's dead.
Upchucked its bamboo. True story.
That's whatever you were talking about for you.
- Mind if we sit with you? - Why the hell would I?
We're all guys here. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
- Good point. I guess. - You're my kind of soldier.
A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle.
- Who's got a special lady back home? - I have a thing for this girl at work.
Really? What type is she? Blond, or Chinese, or Cyclops?
- Cyclops. - She sounds sweet.
But sweet girls aren't for you.
You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly son of a...
Stop flattering me!
Ten hut!
Well, well, well. If it isn't Lee Lemon...
...the flaming star of Brannigan's Rough Rangers.
Lemon, do you like to read? I got a great book on tape.
It's about life in ancient Greece.
Sir, the alarm! I think I'd better...
Don't talk. Just go.
We're now in position above Spheron One.
This is the moment we trained for all yesterday afternoon.
Now, the battle plan. The key to victory is the element of surprise.
Surprise!
It's creepy.
This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
- And then the battle's not so bad? - Right, I forgot about the battle.
- What's happening? - Holy shoot! Look!
The enemy! They're balls!
- Charge your gun, Fry! - Right.
Watch where you're shooting, private! You spooked Felicity.
- Give this to my son. - You got it!
Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.
Your son might also like those boots.
Cover us, buddy! You got the only wounded-up positron shooter!
Fry, you emu-bellied coward!
Bender, no!
If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.
Incoming Wounded! All personnel, report to operating tent four!
I mean, five! Repeat, four.
Ready to operate?
I'd love to. But first, I have to perform surgery.
I kid. I kid.
Scalpel.
Blood bucket.
- Priest. Next patient! - Leave some for the enemy to kill.
Leave him alone! He has twice your training.
Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.
This is how it starts. First jokes, then the heavy stuff.
When will the killing end?
Look at this sissy. While others fought and died pointlessly...
...he was hiding, wallowing in his own cowardice.
- That wasn't cowardice. - I'm depromoting you.
Kif, what's the most humiliating job?
- Being your assistant. - Wrong! Being your assistant.
Private, henceforth, you'll be Kif's assistant.
- That's not bad. - You speak when I say so, worm!
- I'm afraid he's gone. - Doc, I ain't dead!
- Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor. - Believing it won't make it true.
It isn't a war. It's a murder. It isn't war, it's murder!
Bender, old buddy, hang in there!
Here lies the bravest soldier I've ever seen since me.
I order that he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.
Slow down, I'm up to something here.
I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election.
- Damn bean-eating war hero! - Ready to operate, doc?
I'd love to. But first, I have to perform surgery.
That's my joke! I'll kill you!
Prewar scotch.
- Welcome, lieutenant. Looking sharp. - I got wheels! With clickity-clackers!
Where's the little umbrella? It's what makes a scotch on the rocks!
Actually, sir...
Make me a new one.
Use a brush, you dunderhead!
And mix these mixed nuts! I see two almonds touching!
Listen, this war is in danger of going all quagmire on me.
So I am sending you on one last mission.
Hot diggity daffodil!
A mission of peace.
You'll negotiate with their leaders, the Brain Balls.
They've got lots of brains and lots of chutzpa.
Joining you is our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
- How are you? - Is he any good?
Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed.
A little lower. Lower.
Lower. A lot lower.
Too low!
Lower.
Private Lemon! No need to leave. My stall just became free.
Maybe you should put on a towel.
Right.
I'm trying the new lotion you recommended.
If I accidentally put too much on my hands, I could rub it on you...
Brannigan! My God, cover yourself.
I didn't live 1000 years to look at another man's gizmo.
Sorry, Mr. President. I didn't realize.
Kif, raise him up nipple high.
Stuff yourself into a uniform. We have to leave before the bomb goes off.
Bomb! What bomb?
The doctors put it in that gullible robot.
Zapp! Zapp! Inspect the troops later.
It's time to activate the bomb.
Now ask for economic cooperation.
Excuse me.
Attention! Everyone, evacuate the planet immediately!
Not because it's meatloaf night.
Come, Lemon, before this dump blows up.
Could you say when the bomb is exploding?
Sure, my significant soldier. It's voice-activated.
It'll detonate when the robot speaks a certain word.
What's the word? Sir.
It's the one word the robot uses most.
We got it from this database of his 10 most frequently used words.
Number 10: "CHUMP"
Number 9: "CHUMPETTE"
Number 8: "YOURS"
Number 7: "UP"
Number 6: "PIMPMOBILE"
Number 5: "BITE"
Number 4: "MY"
Number 3: "SHINY"
Number 2: "DAFFODIL"
And Bender's most frequently uttered word...
...the word which can destroy this planet:
- "ASS" - We don't have long!
We demand bouncing, folloWed by rolling of the third type.
What?
My chair's too hard. It's a pain in the...
What do you call it? Lower back! That whole region.
I got to break that gate, beat up the guards...
...steal that chopper and rescue Bender.
- I did it! Wait, that's not me. - Come on! We got to save Bender!
- You want to save him? Why? - Fry, don't you recognize me?
- Hermes? - Lee, when will I see you again?
You two are good friends?
But I thought we would be good friends.
Let's see how friendly you get when you're sharing a prison cell.
Hey, Zapp?
- Leela! - So it's you I've been attracted to!
I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Let's do it again sometime.
The elders tell of a young ball like you.
He bounced 3 meters in the air. Then 1.8 meters in the air.
Then he bounced 4 meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?
Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story.
These balls are making me testy!
If they don't stop bouncing, I'll shove this treaty up their...
- Where do you shove things up a ball? - Not a productive area of discussion.
We're here. I followed the bouncing balls.
I'll keep a safe altitude. You parachute down.
My friend's life is at stake. I can finally prove I'm not a coward.
- Will you push me? - I already did!
Thank you!
At last, war has made me into a man.
Gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed.
We've seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
We can't allow bouncing of the seventh variety.
No more crap! I'm catching the next pimpmobile out!
But before I go, I have one thing to say.
- Bite my shiny metal... - Stop! You can't say the next word!
Up yours, chump! I said it 906 times before lunch.
If you say the A-word, you'll blow this planet straight to the H-word.
Young man, you have the bravery of a hero.
And breath as fresh as a summer ham.
- What's funny? - Bender's got the upper hand now.
The game's name is: Make Bender Happy, or He Blows Up the Planet!
I'd rather die and kill everybody than sit here listening to these idiots!
Stay calm. No need to bounce off the handle.
- That's it, I'll say it! A is for... - Wait!
Stop! We give in to all demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.
All right!
- Wait! We're invading your planet? - Correct.
I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth!
- May you bounce in peace. - Get the hell off my planet!
Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him.
Wake up!
Chumps and chumpettes! Is the bomb out?
- Can I say the word I love to say? - Sorry, we couldn't remove it.
It's stuck in there with glue or something.
Great. What's the point of living if I can't say "ass"?
I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass!
I'm back in the saddle!
We couldn't disarm it. We changed the word.
A word you almost never say.
- That's using your ass. And the word? - Better if you don't know.
Come on, I'm not going to say it. Please?
- Is it "please"? - No.
- Words I never say. I know, "thanks"! - Stop trying to destroy the world.
Wait. Is it "sorry"? No. "Funderful"?
- "Nonalcoholic"? - Quit!
Enough already.
"Compassion." "Shrimp toast." "Antiquing"?
I'm all right.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH]