NETFLIX 剧集
欢迎来到人力资源 Welcome to Human Resources.
作为人际关系领域 最负盛名的组织的新员工 As a new employee at the most prestigious organization in human relations,
你即将踏上一段奇妙的冒险旅程 you are about to embark on an amazing adventure.
地球上的生活非常复杂 Life down on Earth can be very complicated,
这就是为什么人们需要我们 and that's why people need us.
你的人类客户将通过管子被分配给你 You'll be assigned your human clients by the tube.
迈克尔布隆伯格是我客户？好吧 I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.
你将有机会与许多部门的生物合作 You'll have the opportunity to work with creatures in many departments.
你的团队成员有荷尔蒙怪… Your team members will be Hormone Monsters…
真是太火辣了 她都还没开始用工具呢 This is so hot. And she hasn't even used her tools yet.
羞耻巫师… …Shame Wizards…
你老婆给你发短信 提醒你去学校接你女儿了 Oh, your wife is texting you about picking up your daughter from school.
要我替你回复吗？ Did you want me to respond?
爱虫… …Lovebugs…
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
你的此生挚爱 正在埃菲尔铁塔前向你求婚呢 The love of your life is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.
忧郁凯蒂猫… …Depression Kitties…
亲爱的 莱昂纳多迪卡普里奥来电了 Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
他想要回他的血钻 He wants his blood diamond back.
逻辑石像… …Logic Rocks…
杰瑞米 现在还没有必要站起来 Hey, Jeremy, there's no reason to stand up yet.
我向你保证 你会下飞机的 I promise you, you will get off the plane.
还有更多 And many more.
人之所以为人 全靠你们这些骨干工人 You are all essential workers who help make humans human,
一周七天 一年五十二周 千年无休 seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, 1,000 years a millennium.
这就是人力资源 This is Human Resources.
有问题吗？ Any questions?
问一下哈 所以这部剧 跟《青春无禁忌》一样吗？ Sorry, just want to clarify. The show's going to be like Big Mouth?
《青春无禁忌》遇上《办公室》 我们是这样推销的 Well, Big Mouth meets The Office is how we sold it.
哦 那我会看耶 Oh, I'd watch that.
丁丁风车先生 你不看谁看呢？ Hey, Mr. Dick Pinwheel. If not you, who?
老乔 我有没有告诉你 我老婆最近迷上了能量疗法？ Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife is all into energy work now?
-哎 老天 -就是啊 -Oh, brother. -Yeah, exactly.
她说我的“心轮”堵塞了 鬼知道那是什么意思 She says my "heart chakra" is all clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.
天哪 她就不能让我 安静地看阴茎曲棍球吗？ It's like, come on, "Can't you just let me watch penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?"
-昨晚那场球赛超精彩 -早上好 先生们 -That was a game last night. -Good morning, gentlemen.
毛瑞 你听说了人类最近迷上的那个新VR性爱软件吗？ Hey, Maury, you heard about that new VR sex app the humans are into?
以前不都是 对着巨乳挤奶妹的油画 自己撸一管的吗？ Whatever happened to yanking your old dick to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?
那段时光真美好啊 朋友们 Those were the days, my friends.
我告诉你 20年后 没人会做爱了 I'm telling you, in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.
拜托 女人发现按摩棒的时候 你们也是这么说的 Oh, please. You guys said the same thing when women discovered vibrators.
不好说哦 那确实终结了我的性生活 Yeah, well, I don't know. It put an end to fucking in my house.
毛瑞 你想要什么样的生日蛋糕？ Hey, Maury. What kind of cake do you want for your birthday?
你说什么？哦 今天不是我生日 What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.
都记在办公室日历上了 别闹了 It's on the office calendar. Don't be weird.
干嘛每次过生日都非得吃蛋糕？ Ugh! Why do we always have to have treats for birthdays
当我们三岁小孩啊？ like we're all a bunch of fucking children?
请原谅我的一番心意啊 Sorry for trying to do something nice.
我真是个贱人 竟然想给你买蛋糕 What a bitch I am, getting you cake.
天啊 我恨死这份工作了 Oh, I fucking hate this job.
贝卡 恐怕我们得让你卧床休息 Becca, I'm afraid we're going to have to put you on a bed rest
过孕期最后一个月了 for the last month of your pregnancy.
你他妈想得美 The fuck you are!
-你说什么？ -亲爱的… -Excuse me? -Uh, sweetie--
我周一要出庭打官司 I start arguing a case on Monday,
就算得在陪审席上生孩子 我也不会错过的 and I'll queef this baby out in the jury box before I'd miss it.
-她说到做到的 医生 -我需要别的选择 -She'll do it, Doc. -I need another option.
没有其他选择了 Well, there are no other options.
我们需要确保你不会提前破水 We need to make sure your water doesn't break early.
天啊 要是孩子死掉怎么办？ Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive?
又或者活下来了 但天生尖脑袋 Or what if it does, and it's born with a pointy head,
这辈子只能戴圣诞老人帽 and it can only wear Santa hats?
多悲惨的人生啊！ What a terrible life!
不好意思 轮到我发言了 Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, floor is mine.
撇开蒂朵对圣诞老人帽的 异常迷恋不谈 Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside,
这可是个大问题 this is a big fucking deal.
我知道 这正是我想说的 I know. That's what I'm saying.
从野心的角度讲 Speaking from the point of view of ambition,
被迫卧床休息的贝卡 要怎么晋升为律所合伙人啊？ how's Becca supposed to make partner while she's stuck on bed rest?
而从逻辑上讲 这完全说不通 And logically, this makes no sense.
她根本就没有高血压家族史 Hypertension doesn't even run in her family.
谁还在乎这些啊？ Who cares about that shit?
一旦那孩子把她的阴道变成肉酱 They're never gonna fuck again
他们就再也不会滚床单了 once that baby turns her pussy into Bolognese.
康妮 你需要冷静一下 Connie, gonna need you to chill out.
艾美 哟 你都记下来了吧？ Emmy, yo. You're getting all this, right?
呃 是啊 记着呢 Uh… Yep. Got it. Gettin' it.
“阴道肉酱” 全记下来了 "Pussy Bolognese." We got it.
别担心 康妮 床单还是会滚的 Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.
只是次数会减少 而且不会那么爽 It'll just be less frequent and not as good.
跟巴里嘿咻本来就不是很爽 也不是很频繁了 不是吗？ And the sex with Barry already wasn't very good or frequent, was it?
“我是巴里 我每次高潮前都要昭告天下” "I'm Barry. I always announce when I'm about to cum."
“我要射咯 我是巴里” "I'm cumming, I'm Barry."
比起真正的巴里 我更喜欢她的版本 I love her Barry even more than the real Barry.
巴里真没劲 Barry's not cool.
嘿 别闹了 贝卡很爱巴里 Hey, knock it off. Becca loves Barry.
她也会很爱这个孩子的 因为老娘在尽自己的本职 And she's gonna love this baby too because I'm doing my goddamn job
而我需要你们也做好自己的本分 and I need the rest of you to get on board.
-没错 -好吧 -Okay. -Indeed.
也就是说不准再踢拳 也不准再工作 That means no more kickboxing and no work.
佩特拉 听到的话就点头 Petra, nod if you hear me.
好吧 行 Okay, fine, fine.
但她那娇弱的子宫 还是可以审阅法律摘要的 好吗？ But her delicate womb can still review briefs, okay?
她总可以移动她该死的眼球吧？ She's allowed to move her fucking eyeballs, right?
艾美 我得老实跟你说 Emmy… I'm going to be real with you.
你做的笔记糟透了 你把所有时间都花在做假扮秀上… Your notes are crap, you spend all your time doing imitations--
-是模仿秀 -做问卷调查… -Impressions. -Taking surveys…
但大家都超爱 我的“你会选哪个？”板子 But everyone loves my "Would you rather" board.
它让大家想来上班 It makes them want to come to work.
工作就应该让大家想来上班 Work should make people want to come to work.
是 但事实并非如此 Yeah, but it doesn't.
让我问你一件事 你到底想不想成为专业的爱虫？ Let me ask you something, do you even want to be a professional Lovebug?
呃 想吧 但说实话 I guess? But, honestly,
只要能挣够钱 每晚和朋友们一起吃披萨卷饼 as long as I can still afford my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends,
就万事皆OK啦 it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.
喂 艾美 你给我闭嘴 Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
咱们在这儿做的一切可重要了 What we do here is important.
这不是什么为了买那个叫披萨卷饼的东西 It's not some bullshit job
而存在的狗屁工作 that exists just to pay for whatever a pizza-burrito is.
桑娅 披萨卷饼可是人间美味啊 Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.
我的老天 我才不在乎！ Oh my God. I don't care.
大姐呀 贝卡就要生孩子了！ Bro! Becca's about to have a fucking baby.
天哪 桑娅 你还好吧？ Whoa. Sonya, are you okay?
我没事 我只是忙得焦头烂额 I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my plate,
而你 我的助理 and you, my assistant,
对减轻我的负担完全没有兴趣！ have zero interest in taking anything off of it.
好吧 你额头的事我深感抱歉 Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.
天哪 她怎么回事？ Damn! What's her problem?
不知道呢 我已经忘了她说什么了 I don't know. I already forgot what she said.
你昨晚和瘾天使的约会怎么样啊？ So, how was your date last night with that Addiction Angel?
来嘛 透露一下 我最爱八卦了 Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey. I am parched.
他带你去浪漫的餐厅了吗？ Did he take you to a romantic restaurant?
他在烛光下对你敞开心扉了吗？ Ooh, did he get vulnerable with you over candlelight?
呃 也没有 Well, not exactly.
我们就直接进入当晚的啪啪啪环节了 We just sort of got straight to the, uh, boning portion of the evening.
妹子 又来了？ Girl, again?
我完全不介意 It's totally fine.
那实际上也是我想要的 完全没问题 And it's also-- It's actually what I wanted… and it's fine.
才怪 你真不会撒谎 Mm-mm. No. You're a terrible liar.
亲爱的 你得找个在不戴套干你之前 Honey, you need someone who will fill your belly with fancy food
会先用美食喂饱你的胃的男人 before they fill your shelly with unprotected sex things.
天哪 你怎么知道他没戴套？ Oh my God, how'd you know it was unprotected?
得了 妹子 我还不了解你吗？ Girl, please. I know who I'm talking to.
你们想干嘛？ What the fuck do you want?
-保安来桑娅的办公室做什么？ -我也不知道 -What's security doing in Sonya's office? -I have no idea.
这在桑娅的日程表上吗? Um, was this in Sonya's calendar?
我哪知道啊？ How am I supposed to know?
你是她的助理诶 那可是你的工作 You're her assistant. That's like literally your job.
去你的 你凭什么解雇我？ Fuck you. You can't fire me.
巴拉克和米歇尔能走到一起全靠我！ I got Barack and Michelle together.
哎 又来了 又提当年勇了 She goes to the Obama well a little too often.
-行了 走吧 -把你们粗糙的手拿开 -Okay, let's go. -Get your scaly hands off me.
我可是高级爱虫 I am a senior Lovebug.
-已经不是了 -去你的 艾瑞克 -Not anymore. -Fuck you, Eric.
我的天哪 Oh my God.
你们看什么看？ And what are you all looking at?
没看过人被保安拖出去吗？ You've never seen someone get dragged out by security before?
你们这帮混蛋！ You bastards.
你们解雇她 就等于解雇我们所有人！ You fire her, you fire all of us!
我开玩笑的 I'm tot-- I'm kidding.
我爱我的工作 我爱物质享受 拜托别解雇我 I'm kidding. I love my job and my nice things. Please don't fire me.
嘿 臭老头 听说今天是你生日 Hey, dick phlegm, I hear it's your birthday.
你那张该死的肥脸多老啦？ How old is that fat fucking face of yours?
四千万岁了 I'm, uh, 40 million.
四千万岁了还在管理小孩子啊？ "Forty million"? And you're still working with kids?
那可是入门级工作 That's entry-level shit.
小孩子很好啊 他们很热情 I like the kids. They're enthusiastic.
是呢 好热情呢 真爱搞笑 我为你悲哀的生活感到高兴 Yeah, they're "enthusiastic." That's cute. I'm happy for your sad life.
我就不一样了 我刚被提升为NFL的睾丸激素主管 Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted to head of testosterone for the NFL?
-你得到了那份工作？ -没错！ -You got the gig? -Fuck yeah!
从青少年升级到头脑简单的大块头们 Moved on from teens right into ripped meathead dumb fucks.
我超爱那些变态 Mwah! I love those psychos.
总之 我这周末要去拉斯维加斯 Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend
看几支球队把对方的脑袋砸成浆糊 to watch a couple of teams bash each other's brains into oatmeal,
然后再去小兔山庄好好爽一番 then get fucked out at the Bunny Ranch sideways.
生日快乐啊 你个臭保姆 Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch.
你们知道加文被提升了吗？ Did you guys know that Gavin was promoted?
谁在乎？大家的牙科保险都一样 Who cares? We all get the same dental.
是 但加文充分发挥了他的人生价值 懂我意思吗？ Sure, but Gavin's really doing something with his life. You know what I mean?
不懂 我对让孩子们自慰这份工作 感到非常满意 Nope. I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied getting children to touch their privates.
你就不曾想过 自己更伟大的使命是什么吗？ You don't ever question what your greater purpose is?
我们干嘛要这么做啊？ Why would we do that?
如果我跟你们这些怂逼一样 是个脑残就好了 I wish I was a simple shit-for-brains like you fucking zeros.
不幸的是 我内心的深度无极限 Unfortunately, my inner depths know no bounds.
-好啦 祝你今天愉快 -尽情地审视内心吧 -All right, have a good one, chief. -Have fun looking inward.
有些怪物永远不会满足 没准他硬不起来 Some monsters are never happy. Maybe he's not getting it up.
-哇 -搞什么鬼？ -Whoa. Whoa! -What the hell?
嘿 托德 电梯卡住了 Uh, hey, Todd? The elevator's stuck.
是啊 最近老这样 Yeah. That's been happening.
-那你能来修理一下吗 天才？ -你能说“请”吗？ -Oh, okay, well, can you come fix it, genius? -Can you say "please"?
好啊 没问题 Okay, sure, yeah.
刷马桶的清洁工先生 可以请你来 No, pretty please, Mr. Janitor who cleans doodie out of the toilet,
尽你该死的职责吗？ will you come and do your goddamn job?
我不是清洁工 我是运营经理 I'm not a janitor, I'm an operations manager.
他居然挂我们电话 Did he just hang up on us?
如果咱们被困在这里 是我吃你 明白吗？ If we get stuck here, I eat you, you understand?
我恐怕不好吃 因为我吃的都不好吃 I can't imagine I'd taste good. 'Cause what I'm putting in is not good.
-你都吃什么？ -虾子 我都吃虾子 -What are you eating? -I'm doing a lot of prawns. I'm doing all prawns.
妹子 你当真不知道 桑娅为什么被解雇？ Come on, baby girl, you really have no idea why Sonya got fired?
好啦 我知道了 我不做笔记 我不专心 Okay, I get it. I don't take notes, I don't pay attention,
我谎报自己服过兵役 I lied about my military service.
沃尔特 你知道什么吗？ Walter, Walter, do you know anything?
你们两个走得那么近 跟连体婴没两样 I mean, you two are always up each other's asses. Like, way up.
有很多可能的原因呢 比如酗酒问题啦… I mean, there's a lot of options. There's the drinking--
听说她在圣诞派对上和格林奇睡过了 I heard she fucked the Grinch at the Christmas party.
好样的 桑娅 Go, Sonya.
听说格林奇是个大雕男 I heard the Grinch is hung like a stocking.
这下她可把我们害惨了 多谢啊 Well, now she's fucked us. Thank you.
那贝卡怎么办？ Okay? And what the hell's gonna happen with Becca?
要生个尖头怪胎宝宝已经够糟的了 She's already gonna have a pointy-headed weirdo baby
现在又没了爱虫！ and now she's got no Lovebug?
大家 管子 Hey, guys, it's the tube.
是给艾美的 Oh! It's for Emmy.
这还是第一次呢 Ooh! I never get these.
好吧 来看看 Okay, let's see here.
“基于贝卡李临盆在即 以及她对本案的熟悉程度 "Due to Becca Li's imminent birth and her familiarity with the case,
艾美费尔法克斯将担任贝卡的爱虫 Emmy Fairfax will step in as Becca's Lovebug
直到找到替代人选”？ until a replacement is found"?
-什么？她？ -卧槽 -I'm sorry, her? -Oh, fuck.
艾美连个日程表都搞不定 Emmy can't even keep a calendar.
等她身上沾满胎盘的时候 她要怎么办啊？ What's she gonna do when she gets placenta all over her?
胎盘？抱歉 我不知道那是什么 Placenta? I'm sorry, I don't… I don't know what that is.
就一个问题 Just one question.
你连平日下班后 都没法穿着两只鞋清醒着回家 How can you advise a woman on starting a family
又怎么能给一个女人 提供组建家庭的建议呢？ when you can't even make it home on a weeknight sober with both shoes?
我的天哪 我总是丢鞋子 Oh, God, I'm always losing shoes.
你完蛋了 You are so screwed.
关于贝卡的案子 你只知道以反犹太的方式模仿巴里 The only thing you know about Becca's case is an anti-Semitic Barry impression.
不算反犹太啊 对吧？ It's not anti-Semitic, is it?
肯定不算亲犹太 Well, it's not pro-Semitic.
嘿 你好啊 逻辑先生 Hey there, Mister Logic Man.
得了 你想干嘛？ Stop. What do you want?
我想这一定是搞错了 也许更好的做法是 I-- I think there's been a mistake, and maybe it would be betta…
把贝卡重新分配给 一个更有经验的爱虫 …if Becca was reassigned to a more experienced, uh, Lovebug.
对 那样无疑是最好 Yeah, it absolutely would be.
哇 你也太狠了 Okay, wow, that's mean.
不过 有没有办法实现这一点啊？ But, uh, yeah, is there a way to make that happen?
没有 你无能为力 任务由管子分配 No, there's nothing you can do. The tube gives the assignments.
-你非做不可 -就这样吗？ -You're stuck with it. -That's it?
恕我直言 我对你完全没有信心 而且我希望你离开 Uh, with all due respect, I don't believe in you, like, at all, and I'd like for you to leave.
伙计们 去休息室吃生日蛋糕咯！ Guys. Break room for birthday cake.
他来了 Shh! He's coming.
来吧 毛瑞 我跟你说的那个会议 那个非常真实的会议 Come on, Maury. The meeting I told you about, which is very real,
就在休息室里进行 is happening here in the break room.
我不知道我们为何会在休息室开会 但我相信你 I don't know why we'd be having a meeting in the break room, but I do believe you.
祝你生日快乐 Happy birthday to you!
不 全都给我闭嘴 我不要生日蛋糕 No! Shut the fuck up. I don't want a birthday cake.
但这是个饼干蛋糕 毛瑞 But, Maury, it's a cookie cake.
不是普通蛋糕哦 而是饼干蛋糕 Not a regular cake, it's cookie cake.
我来解释一下 I'll explain.
基本上就是被捏成蛋糕状的一堆饼干 It's basically cookies just mushied into a cake shape.
泰勒 如果我再听到你说 “饼干”或“蛋糕”这两个词 Tyler, if you say the words cookie or cake one more time,
我就把你捏成死人状 I'll mushy you into a dead shape.
卧槽 毛瑞 搞什么啊？ Shit, Maury, what the hell?
你以为这样会阻止我吃饼干蛋糕吗？ You think that's gonna stop me from eating cookie cake?
这里有半个贝果耶 Ooh! Half a bagel.
我勒个去 Holy shit.
这是哪一层啊？ What the hell floor is this?
管它呢 钻比较大的洞吧 Who cares? Let's go through the bigger hole.
他也是这么说的 That's what he said.
啊 我懂了 就像啪啪啪时用的洞 Okay. Okay, yeah, like the-- like the holes we use in sex.
-就像啪啪啪时用的洞 -好吧 -Like the holes we use in sex. -Okay. Yeah.
你好机智呢 老兄 You're quick, man. You're quick.
-哇哦 -哇 这是什么地方啊？ -Whoa. -Wow. What is this place?
欢迎来到奇思异想部门 Welcome to the Department of Magical Thinking.
好呀 “因果命运 宗教…” Okay, "Karmic Destiny, Religion…"
莎朗肯定爱死这地方 Sharon would love this place.
她相信人类的那些狗屁玩意儿 She believes all that human mumbo-jumbo.
是啊 人类都是白痴 Yeah, humans are idiots.
（错误工厂）
失陪一下 宝贝 Excuse me, love.
我得去撒一泡热辣辣的长尿 I'm just gonna go and take a long, hot piss.
好的 希望你尿到一滴不剩噢 Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.
麻烦来一碗加八颗青柠檬的伏特加 Could I get a bowl of vodka with, like, eight limes in it?
-艾米？ -桑娅？哇哦 -Emmy? -Sonya? Whoa.
等等 还记得你被炒了鱿鱼 Wait, remember when you got fired
然后他们把你怀孕的客户交给我的事吗？ and they gave me your pregnant client?
-他们到底怎么想的？ -哇 等一下 -What were they thinking? -Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
他们把贝卡分配给你了？ They gave you Becca?
火辣玉米条的味道 Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.
哇 你喝得很醉 Wow. You're very drunk.
是啊 那绝对是因为 我对这个工作机会感到兴奋不已 Yeah, and that's because I'm excited for this opportuni-tay
而完全不是因为我深怕自己会失败 and not deeply afraid I will fail
并彻底毁掉这个女人的一生 and totally ruin this woman's life forever.
我的天 别哇哇叫了 Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
贝卡需要你 振作点 Becca needs you. Get yourself together.
别说她需要我 你吓着我了 Okay, don't say she "needs" me. You're freaking me out.
再说了 她有巴里啊 Also, she has Barry.
“我是巴里 我好爱贝卡 我…” "I'm Barry. I love Becca so much and--"
别闹了 她很爱巴里 Stop it. She loves Barry.
-呵 -怎么了？ -Huh. -What is it?
跟我约会的瘾天使 让我去厕所和他会面 Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with wants me to meet him in the bathroom
他想在我屁股上吸可卡因 so he can do coke off my booty.
-艾米！ -干嘛啦？ -Emmy! -What?
我又没吸 我只是去当家具而已 I'm not doing the coke, I'm just being the furniture.
这我倒是能胜任 我有能力当一张桌子 That I can do. I'm capable of being a table.
艾米 如果你选择去厕所 而不是去帮贝卡 Emmy, if you go to that bathroom… instead of going to Becca,
我就把你头上的触角扯下来 I will rip your antennae from your skull.
我做不到 桑娅 I can't do it, Sonya.
我是说 看看我的约会对象 I mean look at who I'm with.
我对爱情一无所知 I don't know anything about love.
你叫我怎么帮别人呢？ How am I supposed to help someone else?
看着我 我知道这很可怕 Look at me. I get that it's scary,
但有时候你得硬着头皮上 but sometimes, you gotta suck it up,
做可怕的事 看看会怎么样 do scary shit, and see what happens.
-但万一… -妹子 你永远不会有准备好的那天 -But what if-- -Dude, you'll never be ready.
你唯一能做的就是他妈的尝试 All you can do is fucking try.
好啦 我会他妈的尝试 Okay. I-- I'll "fucking try."
我会去见贝卡还是什么的 I'll go meet Becca or whatever.
我的老天爷 你连见都没见过她啊？ Jesus Christ, you haven't even met her yet?
快去 给我滚出这里！ Go! Get the hell out of here.
谢谢你 桑娅 如果但丁问起… Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks--
-相信我 他不会的 -我知道 这点我知道 -Trust me, he won't. I know. -I-- I do know that.
我们今天还是有工资领的吧？ Hey, we're still getting paid for today, right?
当然 我们打卡了 Yeah. We clocked in, man.
搞什么鬼？ What the hell?
“怪异集市” "Bizarre Bazaar."
更像是“怪地方” 对吧？ More like "weird area," right?
我个人是比较喜欢 在室内销售的普通物品 Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.
来吧 挑个会改变你一生的水晶 Come. Pick the crystal that will transform your life.
不用了 谢谢 Nope. No, thank you.
听听你的运势 Hear your fortune.
看看你的未来 See the future.
问我现在几点了 我知道答案 Ask me what time it is right now. I know the answer.
哎唷 你好啊 Well, hello there.
嘿 大家伙 来做个占卜嘛 Hello, big boy. You want a reading?
听到了吗 吉尔？ 这妞学人做占卜呢 真扯蛋 You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do a "reading."
好 我愿意 Yeah, no, I want one.
你又是何方神圣啊 姑娘？ And what, pray tell, are you, sister?
哇 这么主动 Okay.
先提醒你一下 我前戏需要很久 不过之后就速战速决了 Heads up, it'll take me a long time to get going, but then it'll be over fast.
真是的 这尿到底有完没完啊？ How in the gorgeous hell do I have to pee again?
这孩子最好值得我这么折腾 This thing better be fun when it comes out.
你好啊 Hi.
抱歉 我走之前忘了先上个厕所 Sorry, forgot to go before I left.
-你到底是谁？ -我是艾米 你的新爱虫 -Who the hell are you? -I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug. Yay!
赞颂我吧 Celebrate me.
我不要新的爱虫 桑娅呢？ I don't want a new Lovebug. What happened to Sonya?
-哦 她被炒掉了 -什么？ -Yeah, she got hardcore fired. -What?
但没人知道为什么 But no one knows why.
我想我知道 I think I know.
是因为她和格林奇睡了 It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.
你是喝醉了吗？ Are you drunk?
你是怀孕了吗？ Are you pregnant?
开玩笑的 我知道你是 I'm just kiddin'. I know you are.
我第一个客户就是个孕妇耶 卧槽 Wow, my first case is a preggo. Holy shit.
有没有搞错？你没干过这个？ Are you fucking kidding me? You've never done this before?
没有呢 从来没有 No. Never.
对了 你有上网搜过胎盘吗？超恶的 Have you googled "placenta," by the way? Yuck.
桑娅抛弃了你 而这只新爱虫看来不胜其任 Oh, Sonya's abandoned you. And this new bug does not seem up to the task.
她为什么只穿着一只鞋啊？ Why is she only wearing one shoe?
糟了 而且我的袜子 还是个麦当劳的薯饼袋 Oh, no. And my sock is a McDonald's hash brown bag.
贝卡 你一定快崩溃了吧？ Becca, you must be freaking out.
我的新爱虫是个醉鬼兼白痴 My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
-别这样嘛 -你真觉得你有本事抚育婴儿吗？ -Hey now, come on. -And you think you can take care of an infant?
你说得对 我不能当妈妈 You're right. I can't be a mom.
我的内衣抽屉里还有大麻电子烟呢 I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.
抽了会想睡还是会嗨的大麻？ Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?
-如果孩子提前出生怎么办？ -有足够的爱给大家吗？ -And what if the baby comes early? -Is there enough love for everybody?
-巴里怎么办？ -可不是 他太特么粘人了 -What about Barry? -God, I know. He's so needy.
“我是巴里 我爱你” "I'm Barry. I love you."
你会见识到我的模仿功力 我超厉害的 You're gonna get to know my impressions. They're awesome.
还有那条狗 它肯定会把孩子的脸给咬烂 How about the dog? He'll definitely bite the baby's face off!
你的丑八怪宝宝会抽你的大麻的 Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.
你闭嘴行不？ Will you shut up?
该死的 Oh, shit.
-恶心 那是什么啊？ -你是不是… -Eww. What is that? -Did you just…
尿在地板上了？ Piss on the floor?
别这样啊 我只穿着一只鞋诶 Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.
我好像是羊水破了 I-- I think my water broke.
不好了 那是什么意思？ Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?
贝卡 你要生了！ Becca! You're going into labor!
罗比 你床下有怪物的可能性极小 因为怪物体型很庞大 Robbie, it's highly unlikely there's a monster under your bed because monsters are big.
如果我是你的话 我会更担心衣柜 Now, if I were you, I'd be worried about your closet.
我得走了 死亡是不可避免的 所以尽量别太担心 Uh, gotta go. Death is inevitable so just try not to worry about it.
你就多吞几颗阿德拉 然后完成这该死的演示文稿 Just eat a few more Adderall and finish the goddamn presentation.
你到底是想做成这笔炸豆泥生意 Do you want to land this refried beans account,
还是想像你屌丝老爸一样 一辈子跟普通豆子打交道？ or get stuck in regular beans forever like your loser fuckin' dad?
在你的婚礼祝酒词中 提及她妹妹有多撩人还真是明智之举 Oh, yeah, good call mentioning what a knockout her sister is in your wedding toast.
听着 等你硬不起来的时候 我再回来找你 Look, listen. I'll be back later when your penis doesn't get hard.
毛瑞 你躲在这里多久了？ Maury. How long you been in here?
别烦我啦 Leave me alone.
你到底是怎么了？今天可是你的生日 What's going on with you? It's your birthday, baby.
是庆祝和爆菊花的时候 It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.
我已经四千万岁了 康妮 而我又有何成就可言？ I'm 40 million years old, Connie, and what do I have to show for it?
让个小孩对着他死去的爷爷打飞机？ I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa?
那也弱爆了 Fuckin' amateur hour.
你在Netflix上有两部电视剧啊 But you got two shows on Netflix.
那又怎样？ 这年头谁在Netflix上都有电视剧 So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.
我没有孩子 没有稳定的伴侣 I don't have kids, I-- I don't have a steady partner.
-无意冒犯 -未曾介怀 -Uh, no offense. -Nope, none taken.
我不想要一个稳定的伴侣 I do not want a steady partner.
也是 那蠢透了 Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid.
毛瑞 给你吹一箫当生日礼物 会不会让你感觉好点？ Hey, would a birthday blowjob make you feel better, Maury?
倒是不会让我感觉更糟 I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.
糟糕 吹箫的事得等等了 Oh shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait.
贝卡要生了 我得闪人了 Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce.
看来我只好像个怂逼一样给自己口了 反正我就是个大怂逼 I guess I'll just suck my own dick then like the loser I clearly am.
没错 唯一会碰你老二的嘴巴 就长在你这张该死的猪脸上 That's right, the only mouth that'll suck your dick is the one attached to your fat, fucking face.
生日快乐 你个傻屌 Happy birthday, shithead.
-呃 好臭 -是有点臭 -Ooh! Stinky. -A little.
我可以解读你的气场吗？ May I read your aura?
可以啊 你想怎样都可以 北鼻 Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.
蓝色代表心智 Blue represents the mind.
你心智单纯 Yours is unburdened.
呃 我就当你这句话没别的意思 Okay, I'm not gonna read into that too much.
绿色代表心灵 And green is the heart.
哦 哇 我感觉到了你的内心严重堵塞 Oh, wow. I'm detecting a real blockage in you.
你这是搞什么鬼？不是要啪啪的吗？ Hey, what's your problem? I thought we were gonna fuck. What is this?
我感知到了 你在情感上和肉体上封闭自己 I'm sensing you may be closing yourself off emotionally, physically…
似乎是在逃避你老婆 With your wife, perhaps?
喂 就因为我是个荷尔蒙怪 Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster
不代表我每周都有心情做爱 莎朗！ doesn't mean I'm in the mood to have sex every week, Sharon!
这就对了 全发泄出来 That's right, open up.
这是因为我还在悼念 我一年前死去的妈妈 莎朗 It's because my mom died a year ago and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.
我知道你受不了她 但她怎么说都是我妈咪！ And I know you couldn't stand her, but she was still my goddamn mommy.
当然了 合情合理 Of course, that makes sense.
哇 我感觉好轻盈 Wow, I feel so… so light.
你刚刚对我做了什么？ What did you just do to me?
我疏通了你的心轮 I unblocked your heart chakra.
等一下 你就是莎朗所说的脉轮？ Wait a second. You're one of those chakras? Like Sharon talks about?
这是个骗局！这是个脉轮骗局！ This is a con! This is a chakra con!
喂 住手 快放开我！ Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me! Get off me! Ahh!
刚才到底是怎么回事？ What the fuck happened in there?
是啊 圣杯皇后告诉我 我将在7月9日死去 Yeah, the Queen of Cups told me I'm gonna die on July 9.
-哎 死就死吧 -我遇到了一个脉轮 -Eh, it is what it is. -Well, I met a chakra, and,
老乔 我不知道该怎么说才好 但… Joe, I don't know how to put this,
我可能无意中认识到了自己的另一面 but I might have accidentally learned something about myself.
-你开玩笑的吧？ -我没开玩笑 -Ugh. You're kidding. -Yeah, no, I-- I'm not kidding.
-看来你现在相信脉轮了啊 -是啊 但别告诉莎朗 -So, I guess you believe in chakras now? -Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay?
你也别告诉南希我会在7月9日死掉 And don't you go telling Nancy about me dying on July 9.
我想给她个惊喜 I want it to be a surprise.
贝卡宝贝 我能做点什么吗？ Becca, baby, what can I do?
你需要风扇吗？ 要不要来点炸玉米粒？ Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts?
-我要你把这个寄生虫挖出来！ -先来个风扇吧 -I want this parasite ripped out of me. -Let's start with a fan.
寄生虫？ "Parasite"?
好一个绝世好妈妈 这世界得当心了 Look out, world, great mother coming through.
贝卡 你真坚强 你是个坚强的女人 Becca, you're so strong. You strong woman.
你感觉如何？ How are you doing?
我感觉我的屁眼就要被撕成两半了 It feels like my butthole's gonna rip in half.
吹我的脸 不是我的阴道 Fan my face, not my pussy.
哦 不好意思 Oh, sorry about that.
嘿 艾米 我们这边需要一点爱 谢谢 Hey, Emmy? Uh, we could use some love vibes up here, please.
我呆在这里就好 我大致看明白了 Oh, I-- I'm-- I'm okay back here. I'm getting the gist.
贝卡 别忘了换姿势 Um, uh, uh, Becca? Uh, don't forget to change positions.
皮特 把你该死的腾讯医典打印稿 收起来行不？ Pete, will you put away your goddamn WebMD printouts?
我只是想帮忙！ I'm trying to help!
真不敢相信你选择打无痛针 Can't believe you got the epidural.
所以才这么久还生不出来 That's why it's taking twice as long.
这说法未必正确 Look, that's not necessarily true.
这下你推的时候就什么都感觉不到了 Now you won't be able to feel anything when you push.
-就是这样才会阴道撕裂 -如果撕裂到肛门呢？ -That's how people rip. -What if you tear front to back?
那就变成一个大洞了 You'll just have one big hole!
什么？阴道屁眼组合？ 那要怎么做爱啊？ What? How's she gonna have sex with a vagina-butthole combo?
别拉屎 如果你拉屎 巴里会离开你的 Don't poop. Barry will leave you if you poop.
拉个屎就能摆脱那家伙就好了 If only a dump could get rid of that guy.
贝卡 深呼吸 别理这些白痴 Becca, take deep breaths and ignore all these morons.
很快就会结束了 It'll all be over soon.
此刻的我爱你爱得发狂 贝卡！ I have never loved you more than I do right now, Becs.
谁在乎啊 巴里？ Who cares, Barry?
你要么替我生这个孩子 不然就闭嘴 Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.
-我知道那不是针对我的 -就是针对你的！ -I know that's not about me. -It is about you!
艾米 快过去 Emmy! Get in there.
大家都在尽自己的职责 你也得做好你的本分 Everyone else is doing their job, you need to do yours.
但我不知道该怎么做 Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.
上次我尝试的时候 贝卡破水了 弄得我没穿鞋的脚都湿了 The last time I tried, Becca's water broke and it got all over my shoeless foot.
就让她冷静下来 告诉她这房间充满了爱 Well, just calm her down. Tell her the room is filled with love
或说些让人感觉良好的屁话 你们爱虫最在行了 or whatever feel-good bullshit you bugs come up with.
宝宝的心率急剧下降 The baby's heart rate has dropped dramatically.
-那是什么意思？ -为她做准备 -What? What do you mean? -Okay. Prep her.
回答我 别自顾自地讲 Talk to me, not each other.
贝卡 听我说 是时候开始推了 Becca, listen to me, okay? It's time to start pushing.
现在？但我宫口才开了8厘米 Now? No. I-- I'm only eight centimeters.
撕裂！ Rip!
卧槽 我看到他的头了 Oh, shit. I see its head.
-你的孩子有没有可能是颗椰子啊？ -艾米！ -Is it possible your baby's a coconut? -Emmy!
天哪 我看了… Oh, God. I looked!
该死的 God damn it.
很抱歉 我现在真的清醒了 I'm-- I'm sorry. And I am actually sober now.
真可悲 Pathetic.
惊喜！ Surprise!
生日快乐 毛瑞 Happy birthday, Maury.
噢 你们真贴心 You guys.
还做了演示文稿呢 And there's a slide show.
对呢 那是我们发现自慰的时候 Oh, yeah. That's when we discovered jerking off…
还发现了火 那可是个重大的日子啊 And fire. That was a pretty big day.
哦《欲经》 Oh! The Kama Sutra.
那才叫大尺度嘛 Now that was a graphic novel.
你们懂的 You guys get it.
哦 乔沃尔什 Oh, Joe Walsh.
那晚在克利夫兰玩得可真嗨 Boy, we had fun in Cleveland that night.
真可爱 Cute.
哦 安德鲁还是什么的 Oh, Andrew what's-his-name?
你们怎么弄到这些照片的？ How did you get all these photos?
谢谢啊 孩子们 Thank you, boys.
不如我们来个集体撸管 What do you say we all have a big group whack
庆祝我的四千万岁生日 你们说怎么样？ in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?
嘿 慢下来 孩子们 Hey, hey, slow down, boys.
寿星要第一个射 The birthday boy cums first.
贝卡 你做得很好 但我们得继续用力推 Okay, Becca, you're doing great, but we need to keep pushing.
“我们”？去你大爷的！ "We"? Go fuck yourself!
-你得再用力点 -我撑不下去了 -Gonna have to push harder than that. -I can't do it anymore.
爱需要在这里 是有合理的理由的 艾米 There is a logical reason love needs to be here, Emmy.
这个女人正做着一件非常艰难的事 This woman is doing something very hard.
如果没有爱 她是不可能成功的 And without love, it's gonna be impossible.
好啦 知道了 Okay, okay, fine.
来吧 贝卡 这一刻终于来了 你要当妈妈了 Come on, Becca. This is it. You're gonna be a mom.
不 我做不到！ No, I can't do this!
我不想放弃泡澡 不想放弃躺在床上玩iPad I don't want to give up long baths and laying in bed with my iPad.
-呃 好吧 -我还没准备好当妈妈 -Well, okay. -I'm not ready to be a mom.
-也许你永远不会准备好 -你这算哪门子安慰啊？ -Maybe you'll never be ready. -How the fuck is that helpful?
有些事情就是这样 Well, some things are like that.
做起来很可怕 很困难 It's gonna be scary and hard,
有时候还会丢了一只鞋子 但你知道吗？ and-- and sometimes you're gonna lose a shoe. But you know what,
你还是穿上你的薯饼袋袜子 然后硬着头皮上 you put on your hash brown sock and, damn it, you do it anyway
因为你是你 你他妈能应付得来的 because you're you, and you can fucking handle it.
继续说！ Say more things!
你会踢拳 而且你工作似乎很出色 You-- You do kickboxing, and you seem to be awesome at your job,
-不管那是什么鬼工作 -我是个诉讼律师！ -whatever the fuck that is. -I'm a litigator!
看吧？听起来超难的 See? That sounds really hard.
而且你还嫁给了巴里 And-- And you're married to Barry,
那我可做不到 那似乎糟透了 which I certainly couldn't do that. That seems bad.
他会是个好爸爸的 He's gonna be a good dad.
重点是 你永远都不会准备好的 贝卡 The point is, you'll never feel ready, Becca,
你会发现 你唯一能做的是他妈的尝试！ and, it turns out, all you can do is fucking try!
所以快用力推！ Now, come on!
-你做到了！ -也磨蹭够久的 -You did it, Mama! -Took you long enough.
-我们是个家庭了 -我拉屎了吗？ -We're a family. -Did I poop?
没有 呃 这么说吧 Nope. No, that's… Well, I'll tell you what.
我不知道那是什么 I don't know what that is,
但还是有东西不断地流出来 but more stuff is still comin' out.
你真应该冰敷一下 Oof! You're gonna wanna put some ice on that thing.
-他的头不是尖的！ -是啊 是蛋形的 -Its head isn't pointy! -Yeah, it's more egg-shaped.
好棒 你几乎没用药呢 It's great you barely got any medicine.
你大可告诉大家你是无止痛分娩 You could probably tell people you did this without drugs.
艾米 该你上了 快过去 Emmy, go. Your turn, go.
那东西看起来好奇怪 That thing looks weird.
嗯 确实很奇怪 Yeah, it does.
卧槽 就像有人把土豆头先生的五官 贴在一个小棒球上一样 Damn, it's like somebody put Mr. Potato Head parts on, like, a little baseball.
-艾米！ -干嘛啦？是真的嘛 -Emmy! -What? It's true.
说那东西可爱的人都是撒谎精 Call that thing cute, you're a liar.