Hi. Ready to order?
Do you have anything really special?
Not according to my high school guidance counselor.
I'll have the veggie plate, but instead of beets...
I want kale, and instead of broccoli, more kale.
I want the veggies steamed, and instead of dressing, I want lemons.
Don't you need to write this down?
I'm afraid if I start writing that down, it'll turn into a suicide note.
I'm assuming this table's gonna have a lot more of those requests?
- Mm-hm. - Yes. I could tell by the hats.
Earl, I have something new I want you to try.
That's the exact same sentence...
that got me hooked on cocaine in the '80s.
It's my new cupcake flavor.
Delicious dark chocolate the ladies can't help but love.
I'm calling it The Earl.
I know you got that right.
I'm here. I was running late, so I decided to hail a cab...
and then I remembered I didn't have any money on me.
Then I remembered I didn't have any money at all.
So I walked the whole way here.
The apartment is three blocks away.
Yes, I know. Three blocks and 15 "hola, chicas" away.
Well, you can't be late again. I'm already worried about me being late.
Every month.
On my way here, a homeless man asked me for money...
and I told him I usually always give...
but my father was indicted in a Ponzi scandal...
and I've lost my family fortune, my Manhattan townhouse...
so I've been sleeping on a couch in Brooklyn...
but, in spite of it all, I'm optimistic that you and I will achieve success...
in our exciting new cupcake business venture.
And look what he gave me.
You took money from a homeless man?
I prefer to think of Bob near the bridge as our first investor.
Pick up. Special sandwich.
I can think of even more special sandwich.
You, me and a hot blond giraffe.
Well, she recently lost her dignity, so you might have a shot.
Hello, today. I have name tag for you.
Only your second day and look, name tag already.
As new owner, I am killing it.
Thank you.
Oh, it says Carolin. It's Caroline with an E.
- I'm Caroline. - As new owner, I am sucking it.
Just put it on. You can't tell an Asian he made a mistake.
He'll go in the back and throw himself on a sword.
Thank you, Mr. Lee.
You may call me Han. H-A-N. No trap in my name.
We should take the first step in our new cupcake business...
by writing Max's Homemade Cupcakes up on the specials board.
I can't have my name up there.
Everyone I owe money to thinks I live in Seattle.
Oh, we used to own Seattle.
Max, we've gotta get the name out there.
- Create a buzz. - Oh, good idea.
- Let's create a buzz. - To launch our new...
I'm mocking you.
When in doubt, I'm always mocking you.
Seriously, Max, this new cupcake business is our lifeline.
A way out for both of us.
And I wanna thank you again for letting me move in.
If there's anything I can do to help you...
You mean besides starting to wait on tables?
I meant anything I can do to help you through your breakup with Robbie.
Oh.
Thanks, but I'm fine. And we're working.
Well, one of us is.
Are you sure you're fine?
- Because I heard you crying last night. - I don't cry.
I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.
I was on the couch...
and I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.
Really? What did the crying sound like?
Like:
- I wasn't crying. - Well, then, what were you do...?
Oh.
So none of my business.
That's right. And remember that.
- Got it. - In fact, let's say...
anything having to do with my bedroom, my tables or my life...
- you stay away from. - Boundaries, got it.
And please, don't tell anyone at work I let you move into my apartment.
That is one boundary we both don't want crossed.
Why?
Hey, roomies.
That's why.
- Hope those sheets are okay. - Don't worry.
I know they're the best you could afford.
Not really. The good ones are on my bed.
Max, that oven is so hot.
Could you do me a favor and open the back door?
We've known each other two days and you're already asking for back door?
Oh, God.
I forgot you're Equestrian Barbie. You came with a horse.
No.
- Out, horse. Bad. Bad horse. - Chestnut:
No need to yell. He's a champion.
Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard.
That's not Chestnut. That's Brooklyn.
Okay, well, I'm watching the champion drop...
some steaming-hot Brooklyn right now.
Max, I've been thinking about how you completely overreacted...
to your name up on the specials board. Do you think it's a fear of success?
I am too poor to have a fear of success.
At business school, we learned every new venture can bring up fear.
Is there any way I can do a Yelp review of Wharton Business School?
You're having a hard time imagining this business could ever even happen...
because nobody ever believed in you or your dreams.
I'm guessing.
I can make this happen, Max.
For me, for you. For us.
Just keep making those amazing cupcakes...
and I'll do the rest till you believe.
I believe everything you just said and that children are the future.
Max, it's me.
I know it's you.
You sleep with a knife under your pillow?
It's the only home security system I could afford.
And I'm a cutter.
I can't sleep on that couch.
I think IKEA might be the Scandinavian word for sciatica.
And there's weird sounds in the street. I don't have my white-noise machine.
Well, that's Puerto Rican noise. You'll get used to it.
Can't I just lay down here and get a little sleep?
I don't even let the men I sleep with sleep with me.
I can't get into your issues right now. I just need to sleep.
Fine, get in, then.
What is that?
Potato chips. I sleep-eat.
Cool ranch and bacon?
Dude, they're delicious.
- Because of your breakup with Robbie? - Just get in.
I have to be in the city to babysit in five hours.
Oh. Great. You're like a night-light. You're so blond.
Thank you.
Max, someone's in the living room.
Max, someone's in the bedroom.
- Robbie? - What's up, babe?
Robbie, what are you doing here? We broke up.
Still?
Yes, still.
You hit on me, then she caught you with someone else, in these very sheets...
which I'm hoping she washed?
Oh, I get it.
You blew me off because you like the ladies.
Which is cool.
I like the ladies too.
And right now, I see two ladies I like.
Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last lez I'd be in.
Listen, babe...
- You've really hurt her. - Stop.
She sleep-eats trans fats, thanks to you.
Here. Stuff all of these in your mouth.
Got it, your thing. I'll be quiet.
Robbie. ROBBIE: Yeah?
- This isn't cool at all. - Mm-mm.
- Showing up here after what you did. - You go, girl.
I have something to say to you, and you had better listen.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
What are you, the relationship ghost?
Just go. I can't say what I need to in front of the relationship ghost.
I'll call you to come get your stuff and we can talk then. Leave the key.
Straight up, Max. You're breaking my heart.
You're the only woman that I feel this way about.
Uh, here.
Ladies, I don't know what's going on here...
but it would've been a lot sexier if I was in it.
Are you okay?
If you wanna talk, I'm here.
Can I get a hit off that?
You think these are good?
God, we're poor.
Morning. It's a beautiful day.
These shades belong down.
From now on, think of me as a vampire without all the annoying marketing.
Bad news. A pipe broke in the street, so the water's off.
Good news. When I went out to get us coffees...
I spoke to Juan and Javier, two city workers...
and they assured me the water will be on no later than 3.
I stopped at the health food store, got a fresh juice to split.
It's ginger apple strawberry.
That was the name of the hooker who had this apartment before me.
- What is this? - From me.
Says thanks for letting me sleep in your bed last night.
I prefer my usual cash on the bedside table.
When I went to the cute coffee place, I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi...
Whoa. If someone named Nabulangi...
is making an appearance in the first sentence, I have to sit.
And she said her manager will be in at 11.
So I thought I'd Chanel it up, walk on over there...
introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes.
That's exactly what I was gonna do.
I'm gonna go say goodbye to Chestnut and get going.
You know, having only one cute outfit takes hours off getting dressed.
Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn.
Morning, Chestnut. It's a beautiful...
No way.
Look, Chanel number two.
Tell me it's mud. Tell me it's mud.
It's mud?
What is that? A carrot?
There's carrots in the mud?
There's no water!
Get it off me, please. Please, do something.
Get it off me. Get it off me.
Stop, this is dry-clean only.
Max, please.
Take me somewhere they have a hot shower.
I beg of you.
Calm down, it's just mud.
- Max, please. - Aah! God!
Thank you so much for taking me to shower at your babysitting job.
Well, I didn't have much of a choice. You pulled the pillow knife on me.
I'll introduce myself to your boss and tell her what happened.
I don't want Peach to know you were here. This is a job, not a meet and greet.
- Got it. - Get in there, take a five-minute shower...
- clean it up, and go. - Fine.
I'll hide in the hallway till she's gone.
No need. Just follow me in. She never really looks at me.
- Morning. - Hi, Max.
Go, go, go. Down the hall.
Hey, Peach.
Uh, hair and makeup. What's the big occasion?
Pilates.
Max, good news.
They found a way to make diamonds more sparkly?
I got Brad and Angelina a playdate with another set of twins in the building.
Starts in five minutes.
- Cool, what are their names? - Six B.
Bye-bye, Brangelina. Mommy loves you.
Guys, before you leave, stop at this one.
Angelina could use a little help. Contour that neck. She's a fatty.
Peach, come on, that's baby fat.
Still, kids can be cruel.
Don't you listen to your mommy, Angelina.
She never eats.
Oh, no, she doesn't.
Here it is. Caroline with an E.
I have your new and correct name tag.
- Oh, thank you, Han. - Oh.
I see something I should not have.
I will just put correct name tag here on counter.
So sorry but many thank-yous.
What are you doing?
I know you said you don't want it up there, but now that you see it...
how does it feel?
Like you're not listening to me at this job or at my other job.
I said five-minute shower and get out. Did you take a nap at Peach's?
The thread count was calling to me.
Peach found blond hairs in her bed and thought her husband was cheating.
Which he is, but that's not the point.
You almost ruined a perfectly happy fake marriage.
- There are innocent children involved. - Well, I have some good news. Look.
It's Nabulangi.
I invited her to taste your amazing cupcakes.
When she loves them, we'll have an in at her bakery. Come say hello.
I can't now. I wanna call Robbie before we get too busy.
Tell him to come get his stuff.
- Max, wait. - No. Don't distract me.
I wanna sound cool and hot...
and all like, "You can't have me anymore, sucker."
- Max. - Robbie, it's me.
Classy burp on your outgoing message.
- Max, I... - Don't.
Get your stuff tomorrow. I don't know how you've been surviving...
without your chin-up bar and Axe body spray.
Max, hang up. I already called him.
You called Robbie?
You've done so much for me, I wanted to do something for you.
I called Robbie, had him come over, and gave him his stuff.
You won't have to go through with that mess.
And I think you'd be pleased, I really let him have it.
What is with you and boundaries?
You're in my bed, in my boss's bed, now you go and call Robbie?
You're like your big-ass horse, charging in everywhere you don't belong.
I thought I was doing you a favor.
In spite of what you say...
about the sounds from your bedroom the other night...
I know you're upset.
I was masturbating.
I love my job.
I need to see you outside. Now.
Don't get involved with her. She takes money from the homeless.
Not true. Bob's an investor.
Be right back.
Good cupcake, right?
Max, I don't know how smart that was...
blowing by our only potential business contact.
You stole my breakup scene.
The only good thing about breaking up with a guy...
is telling him how much better you are than him when you give back his stuff.
I don't know if you noticed, but my entertainment budget is low.
I was really looking forward to that.
And then you went and stole it.
I guess you couldn't help it. That's what you Channings do. You steal things.
Huh.
Interesting.
Okay. You wanted a breakup scene? You're in one.
I'm breaking up with you.
- Oh, okay. - The cupcake business is over.
The dream is dead.
Oh, I'm sure Nambulandi will be devastated.
I don't need you or your cupcakes to survive.
I'll figure something else out. Aside from your constant putdowns...
I'm a business genius, and I will always land on my feet.
Oh, really? Because today, you kind of landed on your front.
We're done. After work tonight, I'll get my things and be gone.
Ooh, you gonna load up your dream-filled wheelie bag...
and ride away on Sir Muds-a-lot?
Go ahead, be as negative as you want.
You're in charge of your own future again.
Oh, joke's on you. I don't have a future.
Max, are you up?
No.
Max, are you mad?
- Yes. - Are you up and mad?
No and yes.
Oh. Your bed's so soft.
That's my boob.
I know I moved out, but I came back.
I took the rest of our dead dream money and bought some cocktails for myself...
and some people and myself.
Did you bring me back any of those? Because I can't listen to this sober.
Max...
I have nothing.
I really need the cupcake business.
I can be different.
No, you can't.
No, I can't.
But I can be better.
Please.
Please, let's do this.
I know you have a fear of success. You do.
Because no one ever believed in your dreams.
I believe in your dreams.
We have a dream.
God, you are so drunk.
So you probably won't even remember this.
I'm sorry I said that stuff about your father.
Did you hear me?
Max, are you up?
Hey, do we have any more of those poor-people chips?
What's up, Hangover 3?
Why are these up? I thought we were vampires.
Here. I took the rest of last night's cupcake money...
and brought you a coffee and a fresh juice.
Which means that after two days in business...
we are $23 down from where we were.
So we're still building our cupcake business?
Sure.
All we need is how much?
Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Which is awesome.
Max, I'm sorry I crossed all those boundaries.
It's cool.
Me and Drunk Caroline worked it all out. In fact...
she signed this paper.
"I, Drunk Caroline, am a..."
What's that word?
Punk-ass ho.
Thanks.
"I, Drunk Caroline, am a punk-ass ho.
I promise to keep my big mouth shut...
and replace all of Max's poor-people chips.
I will no longer meddle in her relation-chips."
You laughed about that until you threw up.
Oh, and if you're wondering, no...
the puke stains will not void this contract.
God.
I forgot again that we have a horse.
Max, get him out of here. He doesn't know I'm a waitress.
Chestnut:
He is a champion. He learned that a lot faster than you did.