Ross: Look at this beautiful crowd.
For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
Come up here, dude. Come up here.
Look at this guy.
What's your name? What's that?
Herman. And...
What?
Just call you "eggnog?"
What do you do?
I landscape. Landscape.
I could've guessed that in one guess.
You're a legal citizen?
I'm an alien. You're an alien?
I got a Social Security though.
You can check.
I'm not going to check. It's okay.
You're in a safe space right now.
Are your parents in this country?
Yeah. One.
One is, and the other one?
They threw one back.
That would be such a tricky way to grow up, right,
where you're legal
but your parents are undocumented?
That's a lot of leverage to have on your parents.
"Hey, clean up your room." "Really, Mom?"
"Let me call ICE, see if they want
to clean up your room."
"What time is my curfew, Dad?"
"Well, you might not be coming home tonight, so."
♪♪
Hola. Me llamoJeff Ross.
And like most Americans, I'm a descendant of immigrants.
My grandparents' grandparents escaped from Eastern Europe
in search of a better life and perfect posture.
Their daughter, my great-grandma Rosie,
went on to embrace the American dream.
After playing four seasons with the New York Giants,
she built herself a successful
catering business
in Newark, New Jersey.
From there, our family grew into a motley
melting pot of religions and nationalities
that now includes a crazy Israeli and two Chinese cousins
that are smarter than me and can kick my ass.
And it's not just my family.
Since this country got rolling, people from all over the world
have fled their homelands
to come to the greatest country on Earth.
I mean, can you see how happy they are?
USA! USA!
Ever since I was a kid, leaders on all sides
have stood up for immigrants.
Rather than talking about putting up a fence,
why don't we make it possible for them
to come here legally with a work permit,
and then while they're working and earning here,
they pay taxes here?
And when they want to go back, they can go back,
and they can cross, and open the border both ways.
These are good people, strong people.
Part of my family is Mexican.
Ross: Things are different now.
Suddenly, America is like a snobby club
with a douchey doorman.
But for me, this issue isn't about politics.
It's about people, lots and lots of people.
No ban, no walls!
Here I am in Texas, rally in the state capital.
One of many happening all over the country right now.
No ban, no wall.
For many, the stakes couldn't be higher.
My fiance is from Mexico, and he's actually undocumented,
and with all this ICE raids and everything,
he's afraid to go out because...
Must be scary. Very scary.
I'm the son of Mexican and Columbian immigrants,
and I'm proud.
I feel you, bro.
"Palestinian, Mexican, Muslim and a woman."
Man.
You can probably get deported and locked up
for three different reasons right now.
What do you each for lunch, like quesadillas with hummus?
Not only was this nation built by immigrants, it still is.
Are you a real construction worker?
Real construction.
All the building, and last year, we do all the window.
Wow. Right here at the capital?
Yes, sir.
Well, it's a beautiful building with beautiful windows.
Thank you. Yeah.
And thank you, all United States for bringing little jobs for us.
Yeah. Of course, man. I'm very appreciative.
Immigrants make America great. I agree, man.
Yeah. Yeah.
A couple of Mexican guys like you and me
are making this country great.
All right. Gracias.
With some people calling for a Muslim ban,
even our freedom of religion is at risk.
You're wearing your uniform today.
To show people that the way that Muslims are being treated,
getting detained at the airport,
and almost being outright banned is just unacceptable.
You know, we need to come out and show
our fellow Americans who were are.
Of course. Right.
In any other context, people would be saluting you,
and here, it's, like, you might as well
be getting the middle finger from the government.
What the hell is going on?
Why is a nation of newcomers
suddenly turning its back on itself?
I wanted to understand more, so I headed down
to the frontline of the immigration battle,
to a sweaty little border town called Brownsville,
at the southern tip of Texas.
And as we all know, the tip is always the most sensitive,
so the people who live here are getting hit hard
by America's changing policies.
Who lives here? Is it mostly Mexican-American people?
Mexican and Mexican-American people is 95 percent of us,
but at the end of the day, we're all Texan.
Many of these folks have family and friends living
and working on both sides of the border,
creating one big community of "murderers, rapists
and some, I assume, are good people."
That's the Rio Grande.
That's Mexico.
You could throw a rock across right here.
I'm just walking along the border
and finding kids' clothes,
womens' clothes, more shoes, shoes, shoes.
I don't think that's a drug dealer or a terrorist
coming over right there.
Raids and detentions are at an all-time high.
Plus, el Presidente's
constant threats of mass deportations,
including young DREAMers who were
raised and educated here,
and of course, the building of an even bigger barrier
has put stress on the hearts of all the people
who aren't hot enough to get into America on a modeling visa.
So I started asking, "How do the people
who actually live on the border feel about all this?"
Do they want an even bigger wall?
And if I did a free show at a public park,
right in front of the existing fence, will the locals show up,
or would many be too scared to come out
for fear of being rounded up -- or roasted.
Because for many, this issue is no joke.
More people cross over illegally here than anywhere else
along America's 2,000-mile border.
So our government built this fence
through Brownsville a decade ago
to keep the strangers out.
It hasn't worked.
They still come...
Man: Three-oh-four, go ahead.
Man: I have two individuals walking up to me.
Ross: ...any way they can.
Man: They probably rafted them across.
Yeah.
Ross: As we waited for Border Patrol,
the constables helped me use my broken Spanish
to welcome two people into the country.
Get your filming now because when
we call Border Patrol,
we put the cameras down.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Hey, bud.Hola.
They're from El Salvador.
From El Salvador? Yes. They're going to New York.
I'm going to New York.
They're going to go see Donald Trump.
This your son?
Yes. Yeah, see?
Hola, buddy. Hola.
Me llamoJeff.
Just crossed a minute ago.
They split the children up,
that way there's no immediate deportation.
Smart. Yeah.
How do you feel?
Are you nervous? What are you feeling?
[ Interpreting in Spanish ]
What's the violence like in your home?
[ Interpreting in Spanish ]
Now what happens?
We'll call Border Patrol and they'll take them
and transport them.
Where will they sleep tonight?
They'll be at Border Patrol tonight.
What's that, like, a jail?
It is what it is, you know?
Of course.
No. No.
He's brave, man, brave man.
Okay.
Yeah.
Buena suerte. Good luck.
Welcome.
Ross: What a kick in the balls.
One of the most exciting moments of their lives
was also so demeaning.
You don't think they're going to get sent back
tonight or tomorrow?
Man: I doubt it very seriously.
Do you ever worry about people, or try to follow their stories?
Is that even possible?
I can't worry myself about that
because the next day
I'm going to be meeting somebody else just like him.
I'll take you over here, but we're
going to be real quiet,
and we're going to stay kind of out of sight.
We're going to see where they launch from.
There's Mexico, right there. There's the river and the river.
You see how well-worn that track is right there?
Yeah. They're carrying the rafts down.
They'll raft everybody across.
They drop them here, and then the bring them back in.
I wouldn't get too far out in the open.
Why is that? To get out in the open, or?
Yeah.
Well, if anybody don't like us on that side.
Oh, I see. They're not going to shoot?
If you say so.
Jesus.
This will make your heart heavy,
considering what these people go through to get right here.
Well, all over the world, there's so much scary crap
going on that you can't blame them.
Well...
For putting their kid in a raft and risking it...
I understand that... ...his life.
But as an American citizen, how many people do you let in?
All of them. How many do you support?
All of them. Look how big this country is.
Well, those... I mean, I'm not saying
turn your back on a lot of these people,
but what I'm saying is,
is that we need to tend to our own
before we can tend to everybody else.
We are everybody else. That's my opinion.
Those two people are now Americans.
They're just going to be part of our poor
that we have to take care of.
Right.
As soon as they get here, they are us.
Ross: I expected about 50 locals to show up at the show,
but it turns out, everyone in town
is affected by what's going on.
Both of my parents crossed here at the Brownsville Bridge
around 40 years ago, give or take.
Man: I have friends that are from both.
They're both nationalities, Mexican and the United States.
They go to the university here in Brownsville.
They're afraid to go home.
They're afraid to come back over here to go to class
because you never know when that random pick-up will happen,
or their random deportation.
Man: I came here with my mother.
We actually crossed the river, you know,
just like millions of Mexicans
that come to the United States.
When I came, I felt that this country was the best,
and I wanted to be a contributor.
I've been in the military.
I graduated college.
I'm contributing -- I'm a taxpayer.
So, immigration is just welcoming people
to the land of opportunity.
Man: Well, we were driving by and we were wondering
what was going on, and they told us Rick Ross...
Oh, James? Jeff Ross?
Yeah.
Man: Brownsville, Texas, are you guys ready
for the Roastmaster General?
Put your hands together for Mr. Jeff Ross!
Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Que paso, Brownsville?
[ Cheering and applause ]
You really came. You came.
Thank you, everybody.
Where are my Americans at?
[ Cheering ]
We've got some hardcore,
patriotic American people down here.
And where are my undocumented at?
[ Cheering ]
All in favor of letting everybody stay in America,
say, "Aye-yi-yi-yi."
Aye-yi-yi-yi!
Stick around after the show, you guys,
because we're going to break a pinata full of green cards
if anybody wants to play along.
Brownsville, Texas. Look at this place.
It's like you guys got to 1958 and said, "[Bleep] it."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"[Bleep] it. We're good."
Yeah, man. I love it down here.
You know, I actually have roots down here.
I got roots with the cartels.
That's right, I'm el Chapo's Jewish cousin,
el Cheapo.
Brownsville is a heck of a town, man.
You guys really...
it's a beautiful place, beautiful people,
but it's hard here, man.
I can't imagine living in a town
with a fence running right through my town.
I got lonely last night.
I went on Tinder,
and I swipe with somebody on the other side of the wall.
That's the biggest [Bleep] block in history.
I didn't let that stop us, though.
3:00 a.m., we met over there by the bushes.
We both kind of pressed up against the wall,
and I entered her illegally.
[ Laughter ]
And we had a three-way with an armadillo.
The armadillo is here tonight. What's up, buddy?
How you doing, man?
Look at the size of this guy. How you doing, brother?
Wow. What are you celebrating?
Cinco de mayonnaise?
Damn. This guy.
Thanks for coming off the wall, Humpty.
I appreciate you, man.
Where my Border Patrol at?
[ Scattered cheers and whistles from rear ]
[ Laughter ]
Let me give the Border Patrol a little advice.
If you want to catch people coming into
the country illegally,
don't write "Border Patrol" across your truck.
Write "Cold beer and free blow jobs" in Spanish.
See if business doesn't pick up a little bit.
Now I hear they want to add 5,000 more Border Patrol.
5,000 more, can you imagine that?
At that point, they won't need a wall.
They can just stand arm-to-arm and form a human wall.
Red rover, red rover, don't let Pedro come over.
I came down to Brownsville because this is the front line
of the immigration war in America right now.
I'm here out of solidarity.
I don't want people around America to not know
how hard this struggle is,
so, you know, the situation is very [Bleeped] up right now.
I heard yesterday, they deported an 8-year-old Guatemalan girl
and her three kids.
[ Laughter ]
I'm all about bringing people together.
Fences keep people apart.
Personally, I don't think we need a wall.
I don't think we need a wall for $21 billion.
$21 billion dollars to build a wall right there.
For that kind of money, we could send everybody in Mexico $1,000
to stay there.
"No come-o Estados Unidos, por favor?"
"No problem, [Bleep]."
But on the bright side,
the Olympic Mexican pole-vaulting team
is number one in the world right now.
So you have this beautiful house.
Adorable.
And you guys live there,
and then this is your backyard, right here?
The American-Mexican border fence.
Yes. That's weird.
Yes, it is.
How often do you catch people coming over?
Every other day.
People and drugs.
They just throw it over.
They climb like little monkeys with two little ropes,
and they get their feet, and they go like this.
Then they toss it.
Then they jump over.
Is that a bushel of weed?
Yes, it is.
That's enough weed to kill somebody.
Not buy smoking it, but by landing on your head.
What's all over the fence here?
They are handprints.
Do you ever see women or children
trying to come over?
Yes. We do.
How would a woman or a child even get over this?
They see the gate open, so they'll just run out.
No one's watching that gate right now?
No. No.
Why is it open?
Because the farmers, when they're farming,
they go ahead and they open it.
So someone could run
through that right now, any second?
Yes. So what the [Bleep] is going on?
If you're fast enough, you can be an American.
If you're fat and slow, you're stuck in Mexico.
Yep, pretty much. It's so strange.
Yeah.
I could do it if I had to.
This would not hold me back if I was desperate.
Phew! It gets hot down here, too.
Holy shit, man.
The heat is hard, man,
but I guess you guys are used to it.
I've been doing my research into this town.
It's 91 percent Latino here -- 91 percent.
It's 8 percent gringo, like me.
So I guess that one black guy
is sick of getting arrested, huh?
Oh, don't point to... Oh, there he is!
What's up, dude?
[ Cheering and applause ]
It's multicultural here today, buddy.
We got kids here?
Yeah!
Is that a little kid over there?
How old is that kid?
Woman: He's seven months. Seven months?
Happy anchor baby.
Did you have the kid on the way over to my show?
What happened?
Where my DREAMers at?
[ Scattered cheering ]
So who's a DREAMer?
Us two. You two.
Because you're undocumented? Right.
How old were you when you came?
Five.
Did you tell your mom, "Hey, Mom, I want to go to the US
and I'm going to go without you." No?
We didn't have a choice. You didn't have a choice?
No. No?
I didn't find out I was undocumented
until I wanted to enlist in the military and I couldn't.
And the option that the recruiter
gave me was like,
"Well, you can marry me,"
because some people want to take advantage of the situation.
But I don't want to do that.
I don't want to marry because of that.
And it's like, is that my only option?
And I know that it's reality to a lot of women like me
because we, in a way, we don't have a voice
because we don't have a security number.
We can't vote.
We can't do a lot of things.
She wants to go to college.
She wants to help out the American economy,
the American community.
She's an American.
She wasn't born on this side of the river,
but she's an American.
Ross: Our president has dropped any protections
that keep these kids from being deported.
But where would they go?
They've never lived anywhere else.
Even some of his supporters think that's [Bleep].
They've got a right to be here.
They do?
It wasn't their choice to come to the U.S.
Yeah. They didn't break the law.
It was their parents' choice... Their parents broke the law.
...that brought them here.
As far as I'm concerned, they're part of our society.
Ross: Back in the day, we used to let everybody in, man.
That's how America was.
If you made it to Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty,
we might make you wait on line for a couple days,
and we might give you a new name when you got there,
but you go in the country, right?
"I am [imitating Yiddish]."
"All right: 'Sharon Goldberg'.
Welcome to America. Come on."
Where would we be without immigrants, man?
This country would be not anything like it is now.
Immigrants help build this country, you know?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Think about it.
Without the Irish immigrants, we would have no AA.
[ Laughter ]
Without the Asian immigrants, we'd have no happy endings.
Without the Jews, nobody would've invented complaining.
And without the Italian immigrants,
crime would still be disorganized.
"Giuseppe, why do you keep robbing
the same bank every day?"
"I'm sorry, Don Fanucci. I'm not organized."
Yeah.
We're a nation of hypocrites because the used to force people
to come to this country.
Shout out to the black dude with the shitty seat.
[ Applause ]
We kidnapped people in Africa
and forced them to immigrate to America.
The most messed up thing we could possibly do, we did it.
Black people overcame that.
They got their rights.
They added so much to this country.
I mean, jazz, and hip hop, and Air Jordans,
and perhaps the greatest president of our time,
Bill Clinton.
[ Laughter ]
But you guys, man, the Mexican people.
We need to keep the Mexican people
and bring Mexican people to America
because you're the best business people in the world.
Mexican people took four ingredients
and turned it into 40,000 restaurants.
And guacamole is extra!
I love people. I'm the son of a caterer.
I love parties, a fiesta.
I want everybody to come in, you know?
And we have to learn
from our mistakes in this country
because back in the day,
when the Jewish people wanted to escape the Nazis,
we sent them back.
And now these Syrian refugees want to come here,
and people say,
"No. We can't absorb the Syrian refugees. We're not big enough."
We are big enough. We're a huge country.
We can absorb everybody that wants to come here.
And I'll prove it.
A hundred and something years ago,
Norway, the country of Norway, right?
One day, nine percent
of the population of Norway said,
"[Bleep] this 'Game
of Thrones'-ass, cold-ass Norway."
And they came to the United States.
Four generations of Norwegians in America.
I have yet to meet one of these mother[Bleep].
They're not... Where my Norwegians at?
[ Man whoops ]
One lying Mexican in the back.
[ Laughter ]
Anybody here from Matamoros? That's cool.
So you walked over the bridge to come to my show, bro?
I love that, man.
Somebody told me Matamoros
is the fastest-growing city in Mexico.
You know why? I think I know why.
Because Mexicans love to [Bleep].
We're crossing into Mexico.
Matamoros, which is the sister city to Brownsville.
Essentially, one community separated by the river
and connected by bridges.
Matamoros is on the U.S. State Department list
of places Americans should not visit.
Muciño: Yes.
There has been a reshuffling of the cartels.
So they've been going after the kingpins,
and what that has caused is power vacuums
that allow other cartels to step in into territories.
So what you're seeing right now
is spike in violence and murders.
It's not place that you would want to come and visit.
Okay, why are we going?
We're going to go meet with a group of migrants
who have been deported from the United States.
You've been deported, huh?
[ Interpreting in Spanish ]
Si.
From where?
You were working there? Roofer.
Roofer? Yeah.
Hard work. Yeah. Hard work.
So, what, do they just find you, or they just grab you,
or how do they know where you are?
You have children?
I have two. Two?
And they're in America?
Wow. What's going to happen now?
When will you see your family?
[ Muciño interpreting in Spanish ]
Ross: That's terrible. I'm sorry.
Why did you go to the United States the first time?
[ Muciño interpreting in Spanish ]
How long were you there?
Bitch! [Bleep]ing bitch!
Thank you very much.
He says, "God bless all of you,
and I'm going to say hello to
the president of the United States.
Yeah. Man. I did my research on this.
If we let all the undocumented people just stay,
it would help our economy over 10 years
by over a trillion dollars.
160,000 new jobs every year.
If only we had a businessman who became president
that could help us figure that out.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah. I've roasted Donald Trump twice.
I've known him for 15 years.
I feel like any second, he's going to call me up
and offer me a Cabinet position.
"Jeff, I need three insults about North Korea
by noon tomorrow.
You're my new Secretary of Offense."
I'm helping Donald Trump with his new book.
It's called, "Mein Kampf is Bigger Than Your Kampf."
Donald Trump always looks like he's trying to figure out
who farted.
Yeah. I've roasted Donald Trump and he became President.
I roasted Justin Bieber,
and he had the number one album in the world.
I roasted Charlie Sheen, and he got AIDS.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I'm doing my part, America.
What the [Bleep] are you doing with your life?
You're a Trump supporter. You've got your hat on.
Absolutely. That's right.
"Make America Great Again." You got it.
I've known him a long time, and at times,
he can be the most charming guy in the world.
But with certain subjects, he can
be kind of downright mean.
What would you say to Mexican-Americans
who have been trashed by Trump supporters?
You know, that could hurt.
He's talking about criminals.
Right.
Illegal criminals, not Mexicans, not Latinos.
And, you know, there's a right way to get into America.
Yeah. You file your paperwork.
You get in line like everybody else,
and get, you know, get your citizenship.
You don't know who's coming across.
That's why we need a wall.
I mean, we have one here.
It's obviously not doing its job.
So another one would be just double not doing its job, right?
What's the price of security?
Well, there's also a respect
for humanity and that kind of thing.
The way he talks about it...
We're not... He's talking about criminals.
Patrick, what's this...
Does this stir up any thoughts in your head?
You fought for this country. I mean...
There is a right way to do things.
There's a lot of people that are just trying to make it.
You already have tunnel systems that's used
by coyotes to get people through,
and that's used to get drugs through.
So there are bigger issues than building a wall.
What was that?
That's Border Patrol on the water.
Instead of building a wall to keep people out,
if the government fined or arrested people
who hire illegals,
illegals would eventually run out of work and self-deport.
Wouldn't that work?
But that's actually on the books right now
in our laws of the government.
I don't remember ever seeing
one of them get fined for anything.
What do you think we should do?
Build Border Patrol academies.
Academies? Academies.
Train the officers right here on the river.
If you've got eyes on the ground,
boots on the ground, you don't need that wall.
If I was in charge, I would mix Homeland Security
with Social Security.
Yeah.
When people retire, you give them a lounge chair
and some binoculars and you put them on the border.
Young man, get off my fence!
Who else is here, I wonder.
Where my coyotes at?
[ Cheers, whistling ]
I kept hearing about these coyotes,
who traffic desperate humans across the border.
What sort of person earns their living that way?
So in the four years you've been a coyote,
how many people do you think you've brought over to America?
Man, thousands of people.
Thousands? Yeah.
Lots. Yeah. Thousands?
You ever stay in touch with the people?
Do you know if they made it? Do you know if they lived?
Do you know if they... No, not really, no.
Not at all. No, just pick up, drop off.
Never see me again.
You carry a gun when you do this?
Like, who protects you from them?
Nobody. What if they turn on you?
They won't. They're more scared than doing that
because when you go to the people
to get transported
and stuff like that, you have to go through a process.
They need pictures. They need addresses.
They need phone numbers. They need everything.
If even you have kids, they need pictures of your kids, family,
mom, dad, everything.
So if you decided you want to run and not pay,
they've got your family right there.
Wow. You're in dangerous work, dude.
Yeah. It's pretty dangerous and sometimes, like,
when people don't pay and stuff, too,
you have to hold them for a little bit.
Sometimes they don't come up with the money completely
and that's another thing we got to be doing, too,
taking care of them for a couple days
until they come up with the rest of the money.
And if they don't pay, and the family doesn't have it,
what do you do? Now you own them.
Yeah. Pretty much.
What do you do with them? Put them to work.
Put them to work?
Like, kids and stuff?
Yeah. Anything.
That's crazy. Yeah. Sure is.
So, in a way, you're kidnapping, too.
Pretty much.
How do you feel about that?
It's not good but it's money in the pocket.
Do you sleep okay?
Yeah. Sure do.
Do you think this wall is going to mess up your living?
Psht, it ain't going to stop nothing.
You're exactly the reason Trump wants to build a wall.
It ain't going to stop nobody.
It's just another wall. That's it.
You going to go under it, around it?
Under, around it, through it, there's always a way.
Always a way.
If the president was watching you right now,
what would you tell him?
Kiss my ass. [ Laughs ]
Yeah, I don't like the president too much,
but, you know what, better him than Hillary,
I'll tell you that much. Why is that?
I don't know. I just, I don't know about
a woman being, well, her being the President.
I don't think so. Her, or any woman?
Naw, just her. Just her.
She was too... shiesty.
"Shiesty." As if you're not shiesty.
Yeah.
You're the shiestiest guy I've ever met. Probably.
When you buy a car, is the first thing you check the trunk space?
[ Laughing ] No.
Yeah, man. These coyotes, I've been doing my research.
What a crazy thing that is, man.
That's a rough trip over the border
with these coyotes, man.
People in America, the rest of America have no idea, man.
They think United Airlines treatstheirpassengers bad.
[ Laughter ]
United might drag you off the plane,
but they're never going to shove coke up your ass
and stuff you into the overhead compartment for a couple weeks.
Where my, uh... Let's see...
You know, where my Muslims at?
[ Sparse cheering ]
For real? Man: Yeah!
What's up, dude?
I'm not into banning people. I think that's wrong.
The Muslim ban feels immoral to me.
It feels un-American to ban people from six different
Muslim countries.
You know, you can't... if you ban...
It would be so bad for the economy
to ban all the people from Iran and Syria and Yemen.
That's a trillion dollars in laser hair removal
down the drain.
Many people come over the border
because they're escaping political
or religious persecution back home.
I went to a shelter to see what it's like
to live like a refugee.
Ross: How do people find this place if they need it?
Generally, they all find us
in immigration detention centers.
So when people come to the border
and they ask for asylum,
they immediately get put in prison.
And they're there for anywhere from 3 months
to a year and a half or so.
We take people to their immigration hearings.
We take people to their ICE check-ins,
and ICE actually releases people to us.
So, an ICE's van will pull up here and deliver someone?
Yeah. They do. They'll drop people off in chains.
Yeah.
So here's one of our bedrooms.
Knock, knock.
You're braiding hair.
Can you do me next?
[ Laughter ]
No. Wow.
One, two, three, four, six beds in here, huh?
Yeah. Yeah It's pretty tight.
How you doing? I'm Jeff.
Nice to meet you. Where are you ladies from?
Nice. From Ethiopia.
And these guys, the four of them all came
from immigration detention centers.
Wow. Why prison?
It's just criminal to come and try to just come here?
You didn't try to sneak in? You try to just come, right?
Yeah. They just came to the border
and asked for refugee status.
Where are you ladies from?
Eritrea? Why did you ladies leave Eritrea to come here?
Yeah.
The pastors are all in prison? Yes.
How did you get out?
But did you have to escape?
Long: Yeah. They shoot you if they catch you leaving.
So brave.
I get so scared to get out of my regular comfort zone,
and if someone told me I had to escape from my country,
I don't know what I would do.
Are you religious, ladies?
Yeah. They're all very religious.
What religion, if you don't mind?
Christian Orthodox.
Wow.
How about you, Pamela? What's your religion?
Everybody understands me. It's amazing.
I'm so impressed.
You learn the English here.
Yeah. Most of the Africans speak a lot of languages.
How many do you guys speak?
Whoa. Slow down. Slow down.
Arabic, Italian...
Spanish? English.
You should be a teacher.
Was it hard to come here? Was it scary?
Before Ethiopia through Sudan.
After Sudan, Libya.
After Libya, Italy.
Wow... After in Italy, Spanish.
Spain. After Spain, Mexico. After Mexico, here.
You must have a lot of frequent flyer miles.
Yes.
Ross: All these women have jobs,
so when people talk about banning refugees,
that includes ladies like these,
hard-working people who would make fine citizens.
What a blessing this place is.
When I was researching this show, I met two women
in a safe house in Texas, here,
they were from a country called Eritrea,
a country I had never heard of before.
They were escaping terrible violence and oppression,
and, you know, I felt for those women,
and they're coming to America because we're doing so well here
with equal rights, and human rights.
But we're not going all the way.
Like, if I was in charge, men wouldn't even vote on
women's health and reproductive issues.
I think -- [ Scattered cheering ]
I think that's a ladies-only topic.
You know, I don't think men can tell women
what to do with your bodies.
It doesn't even work when we try to tell you
what to do with our bodies.
Personally, I'm not pro-life or pro-choice.
I'm pro- "you-take-care-of-it."
I want to try speed-roasting some volunteers from the crowd.
Speed roasting, it's kind of like extreme vetting.
You can't point to somebody, sir.
That's bullying.
You can't do that.
You can't do that. All right.
Everybody move up to the front here.
Give it up for my volunteers for coming out.
[ Applause ]
Look at this guy. How you doing, bud?
Pretty good. What's your name?
Erasmo Castro.
I'm running for City Commissioner
for the city of Brownsville, so get out and vote.
Whoo!
Wow. Really?
They let homeless people in the government?
Really?
You're running for City Commissioner?
You're the size of your own sanctuary city.
Holy mackerel.
Well, good luck to you, buddy.
All right. My abuela?
Is this my abuela?
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
What's going on? How you doing? What's that?
My daughter wanted you to roast me?
Really? I don't want to roast you.
I want to put my pinky in your butt.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I love sexy, older Mexican women.
What do you do?
I used to be an office manager and now I'm retired.
Oh, that's nice.
Do you like being retired.
Do you like having your pinky in my butt right now?
Feels really good.
I hope so.
Good.
Hang out for a second.
Maybe you could give some advice to this young gringa right here.
[ Inaudible ]
Holy shit.
Is this a photo negative?
What do you do?
I'm a lawyer.
Holy mackerel. A lawyer.
Steve, another lawyer. You've got some competition.
This is my friend, Steve. He's a local immigration lawyer.
Criminal. Criminal lawyer.
This is my buddy, Steve.
You heard of ambulance-chaser? He's a raft-chaser over here.
So you're a lawyer and you live down here, huh?
Born and raised in the Valley, yeah.
And you're so bilingual.
Is that because you're raised here?
I'm second generation Mexican-American.
Yes. I'm learning.
I'm learning about how it all works and stuff like that.
So even though you look like you're from Norway...
You're actually a second generation Mexican-American.
We all come in different colors and shapes and sizes.
You come in like, three of your own right here.
Damn.
You look super cute. Do you have a boyfriend?
No. I'm singleas [Bleep]!
Single as [Bleep].
Do you want to meet my abuela?
She'll look out for me. I know she would.
She can hold the camera if you want.
Whatever you want to do.
It's all fine.
I need a lawyer in my life.
Where are we at, Steve?
Steve's a local immigration attorney.
He helps a lot of people out here, and, you know,
he does very well mostly
just bailing his brothers out of jail.
But...
Why do you love being an attorney
and helping people out,
trying to come into America?
Why do you love it?
Because everybody is afraid of the Border Patrol
coming to their house, what are we going to do?
Blah, blah, blah.
But when you let them know, you know what,
you have a right not to say anything.
You have a right to not let them in your house,
and stuff like that, that empowers them
and it makes them feel better.
And, in turn, I feel better because of that.
Every single case is different, right?
Everyone's case is unique,
but every case has the same ending, right?
"That'll be $800."
[ Laughter ]
What's up, Tony? How you doing, Tony?
Good. These are my friends
Tony and Melissa. I visited them
while I was in Brownsville this week.
Give it up for Tony and Melissa.
They got married yesterday. Is that right?
Yeah. Married yesterday?
Congratulations. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
What made you two finally want to roll down the aisle?
That's too much, Councilman?
Future ex-Councilman?
Wow.
I love that your honeymoon is a trip
to [Bleep] Hope Park to see me.
Who's this creepy guy right here?
Come here, bud.
My name is Joe Lee Rubio.
Joe Lee Rubio? Yeah.
And what's your story?
I'm a member of the Brownsville Beautification Committee.
I'm going to do him a favor.
You're a maybe of the what?
Brownsville Beautification Committee.
[ Imitating slurring ]
Brownsville Bike and Pedestrian Advisory Committee.
I love how you massaged me while you told me that.
Oh, that feels so good.
Your breath smells like his balls.
That's all I'm saying, which smell like tequila.
I don't know what's going on with these two.
Well, you know how it is, you know?
We love to promote Brownsville.
Okay. We're doing it right now.
And we're glad your here. Thank you very much.
We're glad your here, and this is Hope Park.
Beautiful. It's one of the first projects
that the Beautification Committee
did in the city of Brownsville.
Why do they call it Hope Park?
Because they Hope you go to rehab?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Come on! I'm teasing.
I'm teasing. Everybody, no.
I'm teasing.
I'm teasing. I'm teasing.
This is a night to come out and have a good time,
and he's in the spirit.
304, 305.
She's what?
Oh. It's your lucky day.
We've got one illegal alien female
who is 9 months pregnant,
any day delivery.
♪♪
Hola. Hi.
Me llamoJeff.
I'm Jeff. Hello.
Elcy. Nice to meet you.
Can I say hi?
Nice to meet you.
Can I wait here?
Where you from?
Honduras. Honduras?
Yes. Are you having a boy or a girl?
Si. El nino or el nina?
Congratulations. That's awesome.
Gracias. You happy to be here?
[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]
You wanted your baby to be born in America, huh?
[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]
Of course. Por supuesto.
The greatest place.
What does America mean to you?
[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]
It's a great hill for people from another country.
There's a lot of good people here.
Yeah. Si.
What's your dream now? What's your American dream?
[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]
Congratulations on the baby and the United States.
Congratulations. Welcome.
Gracias. Okay.
Ross: Coming down here this week really made me appreciate
how hard it is to get into America
and it made me appreciate how lucky
I am that I was born here.
[ Applause ]
I really do feel lucky,
and this really is the greatest country on Earth.
And I think it's important that we do everything
we can to protect it,
but not just our borders.
Our laws, our health, our humanity,
we have to protect all these things
because at the end of the day, we're just people, right?
We're just people.
Some are a little uglier than others.
Mexican Shrek in the front row.
But we're all just people and we have to live her together
whether we like it or not.
So if you did come to this country illegally,
on behalf of tax-paying Americans, I ask you, work hard.
Love your country, and don't be apendejo.
Because this country is yours too, now.
♪ This land is your land, this land is my land ♪
♪ Even though we stole it ♪
♪ From the Native Americans ♪
♪ From the Oval Office ♪
♪ To the Texas border ♪
[ Cheering ]
♪ This land was made for you and me ♪
♪ From Albert Einstein ♪
♪ To Drake and Rihanna ♪
♪ To Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪
♪ And Mildred, his Latina housekeeper turned baby mama ♪
♪ They all came here ♪
♪ From shittier places ♪
♪ Because this land is where they want to be ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
Sorry, Mexico.
I hate to break it to you but...
♪ This land ain't your land ♪
If you're listening on the other side...
♪ I'm sorry for the drama ♪
♪ I bet you miss Obama ♪
[ Laughter, cheering, applause ]
Shout out to the immigrants who came to the America
and do the jobs that Americans don't want to do,
like marry the President.
I left the border wishing we were all more
like the people of the Rio Grande Valley:
Informed, patriotic people with different opinions,
living side-by-side,
respecting one another's realities,
and even laughing at the same things.
I always say, "Comedy brings people together."
Nobody wants bad hombres getting in,
and I'm no politician or security expert,
but it seems obvious that we, the people, need to find safer
and more dignified ways for good folks
from every origin to come to America
to pursue their freedom and their dreams,
just like my family did.
As for Elcy, the next night in the detention center,
she gave birth to a big, fat Texan baby girl.
And on behalf of all the undocumented
people I met,
I challenge our elected officials
to remember where their ancestors came from,
and to be more compassionate
when writing their speeches and their laws.
Roast on, America.
Roast on.
Give us your tired, your poor, your hungry.
First round is on me.
I love you, guys!
Thank you for coming to the show.
I appreciate you so, so much.
Thank you for coming.
Appreciate it.
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Enough with the bread, already.