不會有問題的 It's okay.
你會喜歡上它的 You're gonna love it.
開學快樂 Happy first day of school.
拜拜寶貝 Bye, sweetie.
-你好 -你好 -Hi! -Hi.
嘿 薩姆 Hey. I'm Sam.
嗨 我是朱莉 Hi. I'm Julie.
-再見 -媽媽再見 -Bye. -Bye, Mom.
我叫亨特 I'm Hunter.
薩姆是我的女兒 Sam's mine right there.
那個戴眼鏡的 The one with the glasses.
我是麗薩 I'm Lisa.
那是我的女兒朱莉 That's my Julie.
我是米切爾 I'm Mitchell.
凱拉的英雄 Kayla's hero.
你還好嗎 Oh, are you okay?
-很好很好 -你在哭嗎 -Yeah, yeah. -You crying?
沒有兄弟 只是今天是個很特殊的一天 僅此而已 No, man, it's a... big day, that's all.
-是 -你知道嗎 能給我張紙巾嗎 -Yeah. -You know, can I have a tissue, please?
-好的好的 -謝謝你 -Yeah, yeah. -Thank you.
-今天對我們來說都是個大日子 -是的 -It's a big day for all of us. -Yeah.
謝謝你 Thanks.
快點 快走 Come on, let's go!
我覺得我們的女兒會成為朋友 I think our daughters are friends.
-我太興奮了 -我也是 -I'm so excited! -Me, too.
而且我覺得這意味著我們也是朋友 And I think that means we're friends.
我們去喝一杯嗎 Should we go get a drink?
你還好嗎 You okay?
-還好 -那就好 -Yeah. -Yeah.
-對的 -你們想去喝一杯嗎 -Yeah. -Do you guys want to go get a drink?
只是 啊 他們做到了 Just... Ah, they made it.
你們想去來一杯嗎 很快的 You guys want to go grab a drink real quick?
他是在問我們要去喝酒嗎 Is he asking us if we want to go grab a drink?
我希望是喝咖啡 I'm really hoping it's coffee.
-哇這也太... -Aah! That's so...
-萬聖節快樂 -Happy Halloween!
我能從我家看到俄羅斯 I can see Russia from my house.
-紅藤隊 紅藤隊 -Red Vines! -Red Vines!
紅藤 Red Vines!
成了 That's right!
嘿 嘿 亨特 一邊兒去 Hey, hey, Hunter, get out, man.
繫上安全帶 Put your seat belts on!
天哪 Oh, my God!
-大驚喜 -Surprise!
不可能吧 謝謝你媽媽 No way! Thank you, Mom!
謝謝你 Thank you so much!
路上小心 Be careful.
你會懷念這些 You're probably gonna miss these mornings
一起度過的早晨的對嗎 that we spend together, right?
別說了 你會讓我哭出來的 Stop. You're gonna make me cry.
我不想哭 因為今天是畢業舞會 And I don't want to cry, because it's prom night.
它應該是 就像是 你人生中最夢幻的一夜 And it's supposed to be, like, the most magical night
然後你知道的 of your life, and, you know,
我對它感到很焦慮 I'm just so anxious about it.
那麼 如果你感到焦慮的話給我打電話 Well, call me if you feel anxious.
或者跟我視頻 如果不是太吵的話 Or maybe FaceTime me, if it wasn't too loud.
我的意思是 如果太吵的話 你可以 I mean, if it was too loud, you could just...
我們可以招手或者隨便什麼 we could wave or whatever.
那肯定很有趣 That'd be funny.
然後我可以 你知道我想的是什麼嗎 And then I can do... You know what I was thinking?
你把整夜的照片都發給我 You should send me photos throughout the night.
就像是 不是說整夜 Like, not... not, like, all night long,
但是你可以每30分鐘左右拍一張 but if you could do it like every 30 minutes or so,
那麼我可以把他們拼接起來 then I can put together one of those iBooks.
-那就非常有意思了 -是的 -That would be so fun. -Yeah.
那將會非常的 That would be a really...
我覺得你絕不會對它留有遺憾 I don't think you would regret that.
-媽媽 -嗯 -Mom? -Mm-hmm?
等我去了大學 你自己在家沒關係嗎 Are you gonna be okay when I go to college?
誰 我嗎 Who, me?
是 Yeah.
我 Me?
什麼 What?
拜託 Pl-Please.
不要讓我 Don't even get me...
別 Don't even...
-拜託 -Please.
拜拜媽媽 Okay, bye, Mom!
-好的拜拜 -我愛你 -Okay, bye. -I love you.
好的 我也愛你 Okay, I love you.
哦天哪 你洗了衣服嗎 Oh, good, you did the laundry.
是的 還有個睏倦的小寶寶 Yeah, and got a totally sleepy, happy baby.
成熟文藝復興男 Full-blown Renaissance man.
-呃 -相信我 -Oh. -Believe it.
她睡著了也是一件好事 It's a good thing she's asleep, too.
我在洗衣服的時候 I was going through the laundry.
-嗯 哈 -發現了這些新東西 -Uh-huh. -Found these new thongs.
你知道我要用它們做什麼嗎 You know what I'm gonna do with these?
呼叫蒙面博士 蒙面博士我需要你 Paging Dr. Muff Diver. Dr. Muff Diver, you're needed
立刻 在手術室 in the O.R. Immediately.
緊急手術 就在今晚 Emergency surgery. Later on tonight,
我要用牙齒咬碎這些東西 I'm tearing these off with my teeth
就像是卡通片裏的公山羊一樣 like an old-school cartoon billy goat.
-親愛的 -Honey.
米切爾 Mitchell.
那是你女兒的 Those are your daughter's.
不可能 凱拉穿繫帶針織內衣 No way. Kayla wears cleats and Bears jerseys,
不是脫衣舞女的這種內衣 not some dirty stripper underwear.
你覺得那是我的 You thought they were mine.
什麼 我單獨給她津貼了嗎 What, am I giving her allowance in singles?
告訴她不能穿這些 Go tell her she can't wear these.
告訴她這會讓她不孕 Tell her they'll make her sterile,
就跟筆記本電腦和我弟弟的球一樣 like with the laptop and my brother's balls.
我們還不能確定你弟弟到底發生了什麼 We're not sure that's what happened with your brother.
親愛的 你已經很變得很荒謬了 Honey, you're being ridiculous.
凱拉已經成為一名成熟女人了 現在不是 Kayla's becoming a woman. This isn't the time
你加緊管控的時候了 你應該放鬆你的管控 to tighten your grip; it's the time to loosen it.
這個 這意味著我們管的嚴嗎 This? This means we tighten the grip.
這不是為了舒適做出來的 這是為了早熟 This isn't built for comfort; it's built for speed.
我們應該讓它減速 We need to slow it the fuck down.
車到山前必有路 The appliances go in after the backsplash.
我們之前一直都是這麼做的 We've done it the same way every time.
啊哈 好的 讓他接電話 Uh-huh. All right, put him on the phone.
我在上廁所 I'm in the bathroom.
謝謝 我正在找它呢 Thanks. I was looking for that.
你介意告訴我這是什麼東西嗎 You mind telling me what this is?
-呃 絨球 -是 -Uh, fuzz. -Yeah.
是 絨球 我覺得也是 Yeah, fuzz. That's what I thought it was,
然後我進一步調查之後 and then upon further investigation,
這明顯是拆開的香煙的濾嘴 it is clearly an unraveled filter of a cigarette.
凱拉 你... 你抽煙 Kayla, are you a... A smoker?
什麼 不是 What? No.
我不抽煙 老爸 Not a smoker, Dad.
嘿 你沒看幾十億的廣告告訴你 Hey, haven't you seen the billions of ads that tell you
-不要做這種事嗎 -爸 -not to do this stuff? -Dad!
你不能教育別人不要嘗試新東西 好嗎 You can't teach someone not to try things, okay?
那是嘗試新事物的意義 教會你一些東西 That's what trying things is for... to teach you things.
這是矛盾的 It's a contradiction.
這就像告訴我 It's like telling me
在我已經做了一個完美轉身 not to go for a triple on a base hit to the gap
以及我知道守場員防守薄弱 when I've made a good turn around first
你卻不讓我安打三分一樣 and I know that the right fielder has a weak arm.
可惡 你太聰明了 Damn it, you're smart.
好的 沒事了 Okay. Yeah, all right.
該去學校了老爸 Time to get ready for school, Dad.
好的 Okay, all right.
朱莉 薩姆 Julie! Sam!
-嘿 -Hey, girl!
哇 Whoa!
-我差點死了 -畢業晚會 -I almost died. -Prom night!
-畢業 -Prom!
我太興奮了 I'm so, so excited.
我也是 Oh, me, too.
我愛你 Mm. I love you.
我也愛你 I love you, too.
好了 All right.
-我們太膩味了 -我知道 -We're so gross. -I know.
別人都在看我們 People are looking at us.
-我不在乎 -我們最好 -I don't care. -We better get
在校冊獲得最可愛情侶 "Cutest couple" In the yearbook.
我要做愛 I'm having sex.
那太棒了 That's great.
我要喝湯 I'm having soup.
不 No.
今天晚上 跟奧斯汀 Tonight with Austin.
-等下 你終於要做了嗎 -是 -Wait, you're finally gonna do it? -Yeah.
我意思是 你們知道 我們已經約會六個月了 I mean, you know, we've been dating for six months,
我們彼此都很恩愛 and we love each other,
以及我的兒科醫生剛剛給我 and I just awkwardly got my pediatrician
做了節育 to put me on birth control.
她給了我節育貼 She gave me a sticker.
兩張 因為我很好 所以 Two because I was good, so...
我知道這聽起來很復古或者隨便怎樣 但是 I know it's, like, kind of corny or whatever, but it just
這個畢業晚會 seems like prom night...
它太完美了 你們知道嗎 it's kind of perfect, you know?
我們將要在暗淡的燈光下 We're gonna have, like,
鋪滿玫瑰花瓣的床上 dim lighting and rose petals on the bed
每次我經過沃爾格林 and the scent from that candle that gets me horny
那些香薰蠟燭都讓我性奮 every time I pass it in Walgreens.
所有蠟燭都讓我性奮 All candles get me horny.
我會注視著奧斯汀的眼睛 I'm gonna look into Austin's eyes,
他也會看著我 and then he's gonna look into mine,
然後我們就會 and then we're gonna, like,
摸著彼此的臉 touch each other's faces, you know?
很久很久 For, like, a long time.
很久很久 Like, a long time.
就像是相互連接起來 Just to, like, connect.
然後我們就要 And then we're gonna...
啪啪啪 Kapow.
好吧 媽的 我也要加入 All right, fuck it, I'm in.
-什麼 -我也加入 -What? -I'm in.
我今晚也要做愛 I'm having sex tonight, too.
呃 就像那樣 Uh... just like that?
我就是這個意思 為什麼不呢 Yeah. I mean, why not?
因為這是你的第一次 Because it's your first time,
你的初夜應該要特別和完美 and your first time should be special and perfect.
你的可以是特別與完美 Yours can be special and perfect.
我的就在今晚跟那個傢伙 Mine is gonna be tonight and with that dude.
他們只是小屁孩兒 他們不是 Yeah, they're just brownies. They're not, like...
康納·奧爾德裏奇 你的實驗室夥伴 Connor Aldrich? Your lab partner?
-對 -你還沒跟他勾搭過 -Yeah. What? -You haven't even hooked up with him.
你還沒看過他的小弟弟 You haven't even seen his thing yet.
要是他的小弟弟長得很奇怪怎麼辦 What if he has a weird one?
別說他的了 小弟弟本來就奇怪 They're all weird.
丁丁不是用來看的 Penises are not for looking at.
是拿來用的好嗎 就像塞子一樣 They're for use. They're like plungers.
聽著 我的學生運動生涯就要結束了 Listen, my student athlete days are over.
今天晚上我將開始成人生活了 Tonight is the beginning of my adult life,
生平第一次能隨心所欲 and for the first time I can do whatever I want.
所以我要參加畢業舞會 喝大 So I want to go to prom, get drunk,
抽大麻到嗨 然後擺脫他媽的處女之身 get potted up on weed and lose my goddamn virginity.
我們以後就會有同一個初夜紀念日 We're gonna have the same first-time-sex anniversary.
每年的今天我們都可以一起吃飯 紀念這一天 We can go to dinner every year and commemorate it.
-去吃橄欖園 -對橄欖園 -Olive Garden. -Yes! Olive Garden.
吃一輩子麵包棒 妞兒 Breadsticks for life, bitch.
-沒錯 -哦我的天 -Yeah! -Oh, my God, it is gonna be
真他媽的是解脫了 把這事在上大學之前辦了 such a relief to get this over and done with before college.
額 沒有 我是說 就像是... Um, no, I mean, like...
不 沒關係 No, it's cool.
我就是覺得我還沒到那一步呢 I just don't think I'm there yet.
嗯 今晚上我和查德 You know, maybe something might happen tonight
可能會發生些什麼 但是 with me and Chad, but, uh,
但是可能不是上床這件事 I don't think sex is gonna be that thing.
薩姆 Sam?
但是 可能永遠都不知道下一步會發生什麼 But you never know what could happen.
我想說 可能我體內的小野獸 I mean, maybe my inner sexual Smaug
會擺脫一切 展開它有力的翅膀 will emerge from its keep and spread its mighty wings.
我永遠都理解不了你在說什麼 I never know what you're talking about.
-對 我... 我也聽不懂 -Yeah, I... me, neither.
我的天吶 Oh, my God.
加州大學洛杉磯分校本科錄取
恭喜你作為 2018年秋季 新生被加州 大學洛杉磯 分校錄取。
朱莉 是你回來了嗎 Julie, is that you?
太寫實了 So realistic.
哎呀媽呀 Ugh. God.
快點的 薩姆 都等你呢 Come on, Sam, we're waiting.
馬上就來 Be right there!
-來了 -好勒 我研究了快20分鐘 -There she is. -All right, took me 20 minutes
怎麼把這一幕拍下來 to figure out how to do video on this thing,
終於搞明白了 but I finally got it.
哎呀 Oh!
不 我給我自己來了一張 Nope. Took a picture of myself.
Siri 拍攝視頻 Siri, video, please.
哇哦 查德看了這一幕 Wow! That Chad is going to rip
一定會從他的小西褲裏破殼而出的 through his little tuxedo pants.
-媽 太噁心了 -什麼 -Mom. That's gross. -What?
-怎麼了 -你完全是 -Why? -'Cause you're practically imagining
在幻想你女兒的兩性社交 your daughter in sexual congress.
太變態了 You sicko.
我只是在試著和你交流 I was just trying to connect with you.
你從來不跟我們倆聊這個 You never talk to us anymore.
-嘿 我來我來 -好吧 -Hey, I got this. -Okay.
我畢業舞會的時候 也有些難過還有很多顧慮 I got sad and reflective on my prom night, too.
-真的嗎 -對 我太害怕離開 -You were? -Yeah. I was scared I wasn't
一直跟我形影不離的朋友 gonna stay friends with the guys I had
他們跟並肩我度過了人生中的大部分時間 但是我 been around most of my life, but I was able to...
-嘿 親愛的 你說的有道理 -啥 -Hey, baby, I love you so much. -What?
你要把她嚇壞了 You just really freaked her out.
寶貝兒 如果你 Sweetie, if you're worried
真的是在擔心這些 你要記得大可不必 about that at all, just know you shouldn't be.
你不會和高中的朋友一直相處的 You never stay friends with people from high school.
我是說 和我相處最長的老朋友是簡 I mean, the oldest friend I have is Jan
我們是工作時候認識的 我三個月前才認識她 from work, and I've known her for three months.
-誰是簡 -你認識簡 親愛的 -Who's Jan? -You know Jan, babe.
就是畫那些可笑的卡通片的那個 She draws those silly cartoons.
-哦 有種族歧視的那個 -對 就是她 -Oh, racist Jan. -Yeah, that's the one.
現在的你跟未來的你是兩回事 Who you are today is not who you're going to be.
沒關係的 And that's okay.
這個理論不錯 -你以後會變成 That's good therapy. -And who you become will be
一個你的朋友再也理解不了的人 so different that your friends won't understand you anymore,
然後你會開始發現 and then you will wake up and realize
那些友情 就這樣結束了 these friendships are over.
感覺就像是一次痛苦的分手 This feels like a very painful divorce,
就像是當年我和你爸一樣 just like the one I had with your father,
但是在那之後你會找到一個弗蘭克 but then you'll find a Frank.
額 我覺得很榮幸 但是我不是這麼認為的 Uh, I appreciate that, but that's not my deal.
我跟我的哥們們現在還挺好的 I'm still cool with a lot of my boys because
因為畢業晚會那天 丹尼斯 馬特 科裏和我 on prom night, me, Dennis, Matt and Cory
說服了我們的朋友史蒂夫去參軍 all convinced our friend Steve to join the Army.
他參與了波斯灣戰爭 He fought in the Persian Gulf War.
然後馬上就嗝屁了 He died right away.
-但是只要你人生中 -But once you go through
經歷了一次這樣的事情 你們就緊緊相連了 something like that, you're bonded for life.
蒂固的根基 充滿意義的友情 The bedrock of deep, meaningful friendships
這是你們共同經歷過的珍貴回憶 is shared experience.
我曾經以為他會被安排去後備隊 I thought they were gonna put him in the Reserves.
簡直太荒唐了 That is some horseshit.
哇哦 Wow.
你看上去太美了 You look so beautiful.
轉一圈 Turn around.
哦 我的天 Oh, my goodness.
哇哦 Wow.
給我說說畢業舞會之後 怎麼安排的 So, what's the big plan for after prom?
額 我們打算去奧斯汀家 Uh, we're just going to Austin's.
你真的挺喜歡他的 哈 You really like him, huh?
嗯 對 啊 他 Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's...
對 他挺酷的 但不是 不是什麼大不了的事 Yeah, he's cool. It's not, like, serious or anything.
他媽媽告訴我他進了洛杉磯的加州大學 His mom told me he got into UCLA.
-挺好的 -對 我說 也挺好的 -That's nice. -Yeah, I mean, it's good.
你還記得 那時候 You remember that time when, like,
我也想去加州大學來著 I thought about going to UCLA?
是啊 那一定是瘋了 Yes. That would have been crazy.
那得是多想不開 去了那了 That would have been the worst mistake ever.
我沒覺得去那有那麼大問題啊 I don't think it would have been that huge of a mistake.
額 對 沒那麼大 但還是問題 Uh, yes, it would have.
芝加哥大學多棒啊 University of Chicago is perfect.
就45分鐘路程 It's 45 minutes away.
那樣你雖然走了 但是不是"走了"的那種走了 So that way you're gone, but you're not "Gone" Gone.
但是 我真要走了 But I'm gone.
對 但是 不是那種 走了 Right, but not, like, gone.
對 但是 是那種 我要去上大學了 Right, but, like, I'm going to college,
然後 就像是 我不能在家裏住了 and, like, I'm not gonna live at home,
所以 就像是 我 走了 so I'm, like... I'm gone.
好吧 Mm-hmm.
我的胸怎麼這麼大 Why are my boobs so big?
-準備好了嗎 凱拉 -好啦 -Ready, Kayla? -Yup.
-現在... -And now...
迎面走來的是... ...standing at five foot, seven inches...
身高一米七零 加上高跟鞋有一米七五的 five, nine if you count the heels...
畢業於五大湖高中的 straight out of Great Lakes High School,
在舞會中最美麗動人的 the prettiest girl in all of prom...
凱拉 曼恩 Kayla Mannes!
額... 從現在開始擊掌就行了 Uh... just high fives from now on.
-好的吧 -哦 寶貝 我從來沒想過 -Okay. -Oh, honey, I never thought
我會看到你穿著連衣裙站在我面前 I'd see you in a dress.
理論上來說 這不是一條完整的連衣裙 Technically, it's not a full dress.
腰上少點布料呢 Some material is missing from the middle there.
好吧 Okay.
你看起來真美 You look great.
哎呀好啦 All right.
我覺得到時候該走啦 Yeah, I think it's time to go.
對 對 Yes. Yeah.
親愛的 我們得出發了 Honey, we got to go.
老公 Honey?
爸 你還好吧 Dad, are you okay?
跟他看冰雪奇緣時候一樣 It's like when he watched Frozen.
走吧 Come on.
嗨 你好哇 Hi. How are you?
-嗨 -嗨 你好 -Hi. -Hi. How are you?
哦 薩姆 Oh, Sam.
你好哇 瑪茜 Hi, Marcie.
哦 哦 哦 Oh. Oh, oh.
-嘿 米切爾 -嘿 好久不見你 -Hey, Mitchell. -Hey. Haven't seen you in a while.
-嘿 -你不知道 我可擔心了 -Yeah. -You know, I was worried
我上次約你去熱瑜伽之後你就再也沒回復我 when I never heard back from you about hot yoga.
我給你打了十多個電話了 Called you a bunch of times.
-最後我還是一個人去吃的買二付一的套餐 -哦 對 -I ended up having to eat that two-for-one Groupon. -Oh, yeah.
我真不怎麼做熱瑜伽那種東西 I don't really do the hot yoga thing.
-就是... -至少 我們可以聯繫聯繫 你說是不 -It's just... -Well, we should catch up, though, right?
-對 -比如吃個午飯 之類的 -Yeah. -Like a lunch. I don't know.
對啊 可以啊 嗯 給我打個電話 Yeah, maybe. Yeah, give me a call.
-我給你打過電話 -是嗎 -I've been calling you. -Mm-hmm.
沒有用 Doesn't work.
打不通 It's not effective.
-我都不知道 等一下 等一下 -I don't even know. Wait, wait, wait.
-哦 天吶 謝謝你 -來來來 -Oh, my gosh, thank you. -You guys, you guys.
等一下 這光線不錯 Wait, this is, like, the best lighting
加個瓦倫西亞濾鏡 來來來 with the Valencia filter, so wait, wait.
-哦 天吶 棒 來一張 -Oh, God. All right, here we go.
-耶 好了 夠了 -再來一個 -Yeah, okay, that's enough. -One more.
-夠了行了 -我的天吶 -We're good. -Oh, my God.
我們過去開趴吧 We need to get this party started.
-哦 對 朱莉 -姆 -Ooh! Okay, Julie. -Hmm?
我給你帶了點東西 I got you something.
這是椰子油 It's coconut oil.
潤滑用的 For lube.
我聽說用起來一樣 I hear it works just as well
而且口活的時候像在吃好時巧克力棒 and it makes blow jobs taste like Almond Joy.
謝天謝地口感不像士力架 Thank God it doesn't taste like Mounds.
我寧可吃十根丁丁也不想吃士力架 I'd rather eat ten dicks than one Mound.
-姆 -謝謝親愛的 太貼心了 -Mm. -But thank you. That's so sweet.
-哦 -哇哦 -Oh! -Aw!
-哦我的天吶 我實在太興奮了 -我也是 -Oh, my God, I'm so excited. -Me, too.
-我的天 -你必須馬上給我發短信 -Oh, my God! -You have to text me, like, right away.
哦 天吶 我們要同時幹那件事了 Oh, my God, we're gonna be doing it at the same time.
哦 我的天吶 我們明天必須討論那件事情 Oh, my God. We have to talk about it tomorrow.
對 對 對 每個細節都不能放過 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, every detail.
-到時候我們就要有好多事情要聊了 -夥伴們 -There's gonna be so much to talk about. -Guys?
-喂 你們倆 -Hey, guys.
我也想加入這個愛愛約定 I want in on this sex pact.
你確定嗎 你不用因為我們做而做這件事 Are you sure? You don't have to do this just because we are.
不 不是因為這個 No, that's not why.
我也想嘿嘿嘿 真的 I want to have sex. Yeah.
這是我們三個人一同經歷過的事了 That's something all three of us have in common.
-嗯哼 -查德 -Mm-hmm. -Chad is gonna
要用他的丁丁輕敲那個花花了 tap that ass with his penis.
我懷疑我們第一次是否會用花花...但是... And I doubt we'll have anal the first time, but...
-好吧 -這會讓今天晚上 -All right. -This is gonna make tonight
-比完美更佳完美 -對 -even more perfect. -Yeah.
-不管怎麼樣都是我們三個人 -對 -It's gonna be the three of us! -Yes!
畢業舞會 賤人們 Prom night, motherfuckers!
耶 魯迪 快到了 Yeah! Rudy, it's coming up.
左轉 哥兒們 Bear left, bro.
耶 天啊 魯迪 Yeah! Jesus, Rudy.
什麼鬼 耶 What the fuck? Yeah!
哦 天啊 居然是我那該死的老爸 Oh, my God, it's my fucking dad.
耶 畢業舞會 姑娘們 Yeah! Prom night, bitches!
-耶 -哦 天啊 真是他 -Yeah! -Oh, God, it's him.
哦 怎麼了 唷 Oh, what's up? Yo!
泰歐·克魯斯 Taio Cruz.
-妹子 你行的 -可別亂來 -You got this, girl. -Don't mess this up,
那個禮車感覺超讚的 because that limo is totally awesome.
薩姆 薩姆 Sam. Sam.
泰歐·克魯斯 Taio Cruz.
喔 Whew!
抱歉 Sorry.
不好意思 霍 Sorry. Ho!
喔 Whew!
你都長這麼大了 You're so grown up.
爸 你來這裏幹嘛 Dad, what are you doing here?
你覺得我會錯過你在你年輕時代中 You think I'm gonna miss the most important night
最重要的一晚嗎 of your young life?
-那應該是畢業典禮啊 -不 -That's graduation. -No.
畢業典禮是給挫人去的 Graduation's for losers.
我自己的畢業典禮我都沒去 Didn't even go to my graduation.
不過畢業舞會... 是很重要的 But prom night... that's a big one.
畢業舞會是我人生中最美好的夜晚 Prom was the best night of my life.
我每天都會想起來 I think about it every day,
我也想讓你有這樣的體驗 and I want you to have the same experience.
今晚 你好好玩 不要去管 Tonight, you have fun. You don't worry
你媽或者弗蘭克定的那些規矩 about any rules that your mom or Frank laid down.
沒人會在意弗蘭克 No one gives a fuck about Frank.
我只知道... 你很美 All I know is this... you look amazing,
我想很快地給你照張相 and I would love to grab a quick pic.
不要 去和別的家長待在一起吧 No. Go stand with the other parents,
然後表現得正常點 and try to be normal.
薩姆 我不是個普通的家長 我才不會... Sam, I'm not a normal parent. I'm not gonna...
就... 我都不想... Just... I don't even fucking...
-見鬼 她邀請了亨特嗎 -不 當然沒有 -Holy shit, you invited Hunter? -No, of course not.
自從他和布倫達離婚之後我就沒跟他講過話了 I haven't talked to him since he and Brenda got divorced.
-你知道他老是找我嗎 -什麼 -You know he calls me all the time? -What?
他想一起玩飛鏢 我又不玩飛鏢 He wants to play darts. I don't play darts.
-飛鏢 -逗我呢 -Darts? -You kidding me?
-不管怎樣 我不能跟他待在一起 -哦 -Anyway, I can't hang out with him. -Oh!
-我會被社區拋棄的 -不 千萬別 -I'll be guilty by association. -No, no.
我永遠不會原諒他和那個保姆出軌的 I will never forgive that babysitter fucker.
-嘿 亨特 -嘿 哥兒們 很高興見到你 -Hey, Hunter. -Hey, man. Good to see you.
-最近怎麼樣 -嗨 還好嗎 -What up? -Hey, all right?
哇 Mwah!
你是又生了個女兒嗎 Did you have another daughter?
是的 是的 謝謝 I did. I did. Thank you.
-感覺... 感覺很棒 -是啊 -It's... it's been wonderful. -Yeah.
我也想再要一個 I'm thinking about doing that again.
你知道嗎 就再來一次 You know, the whole second round.
我想很多當爹的 I think a lot of dads kind of
第二次才能做好 get it right the second time around.
或者 你知道 你可以 Or, you know, you could
就培養你現在這個 just raise the one that you have.
那個 我養大了呀 太晚了現在 Well, I did. Too late for that.
都長大了 我的活幹完了 嗨 親愛的 Raised. Job done. Hi, honey.
事實上 我聽說 Actually, I heard,
如果你和孩子在一起 if you spend a significant amount
的時間足夠多 你會和他們之間建立起 of time with your children, that you develop
一種 類似 心靈感應的紐帶 some kind of, like, telekinetic bond with them.
-真的嗎 -我聽說是這樣 真的 -Is that true? -I've heard. Mm-hmm.
我希望不是真的 因為如果真是這樣 I hope it's not true, 'cause if it is,
薩姆就看了很多亞洲小黃片了 Sam has been looking at a lot of Asian porn.
我老婆就是亞洲人 My wife's Asian.
印度人 Indian.
那就是亞洲人 That's Asian.
我指的更像是 呃... This is more like, uh...
看起來是... 那種典型的亞洲人 It looks like when... the typical Asian.
-哦 很高興見到你 哥兒們 -呃 好吧 -Yep, good seeing you, man. -Uh, okay.
很高興見到你 兄弟 你知道我的意思的 Good to see you, brother. You know what I mean.
這男的是誰 你是誰 Who's this guy? Who are you?
爸 這是我的舞伴 Dad, this is my date.
嗨 呃 很高興見到你 先生 Hi. Uh, it's great to meet you, sir.
-我... 我叫康納 -康納和我... -I'm... I'm Connor. -Connor and I...
一起上科學課 we're in the same science class.
我們是一起做實驗的 We're lab partners.
是的 我們在一起學化學 Yeah, we're working on our chemistry.
呃 我去拿張紙巾 如果可以的話 Um, I'm gonna get a napkin, if that's cool.
好的 Okay.
好了 就 呃... Okay, so, uh...
拿著這個 它可以 呃 一刀刺進腹股溝 捅進去然後再拉 with this, it's, uh, one shot to the groin, stab and drag.
我不敢相信她沒找個更好的 I refuse to believe she couldn't do better
-至少比這個爛人強 -哦 我覺得查德看起來挺好的 -than that loser. -Oh, I think Chad seems nice.
查德 當然 查德超好的 Chad? No, Chad's amazing.
-看他那個帽子 -是啊 -Look at that fedora. -Yeah.
我不是說查德 I'm not talking about Chad.
我是說那個該死的弗蘭克 真是個混蛋 I'm talking about fucking Frank. What a dick.
我覺得弗蘭克不是混蛋啊 Frank does not seem like a dick to me.
他看起來挺好的 He seems like a nice guy.
你知道嗎 別怪布倫達 And you know what? Don't blame Brenda.
她自己一個人真的很難 It's really hard being alone.
那個 我們還是統一不喜歡弗蘭克吧 Well, let's just agree to disagree on Frank.
哦 他們過來了 好吧 看起來酷一點 Oh, here they come. Okay, just be cool.
他馬上就會談到他的拖車公司 He's gonna talk about his tow truck company instantly.
我保證他會跟我講那坨屎 I guarantee you he's gonna throw that shit in my face.
酷一點 酷一點 酷一點 Be cool, be cool, be cool.
布倫達 Brenda.
亨特 Hunter.
弗蘭克 Frank.
-麗薩 -我怎麼了 -Lisa. -What'd I do?
不好意思 我也不知道我為什麼那麼叫你的名字 I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said your name like that.
這很棒 謝謝 This is so nice. Thank you.
不客氣 You're welcome.
好吧 Okay.
哦 不 不 不 不 麗薩 麗薩 麗薩 麗薩 麗薩 Oh, no, no, no, no. Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis.
-我得去拿朱莉的披肩 -哼 -I got to go get Julie's wrap. -Mm.
難道你要讓我們女兒 Were you gonna let our daughter
坐個該死的滴滴去舞會麼 take a fucking Lyft to prom?
這算什麼 阿富汗嗎 What is this, Afghanistan?
你怎麼付得起那輛禮車 亨特 How'd you pay for that limo, Hunter?
我知道你的信用卡沒多少額度 'Cause I know your credit's in the shitter.
是啊 It is.
因為我給你媽買了個輪椅嘛 'Cause I bought your mom a wheelchair.
她會還你錢的 She's gonna pay you back.
哪來的錢 布倫達 她能靠 With what money, Brenda? Can she pay me back
她從飯店偷的餅乾還我嗎 with crackers that she steals from restaurants?
我不想說你媽了 I don't want to talk about your mom.
我也不想說她的輪椅 I don't want to talk about her wheelchair.
我只關心我女兒 All I care about is that my daughter
能夠擁有一個最美好的夜晚 has the greatest night of her life.
如果這是她最好的夜晚 你就不該來 If it was her greatest night, you would not be here.
哦 好傷人啊 Oh, what a sick burn.
好了 好了 好了 All right, all right, all right.
-行啊 -喲 行了 喲 喲 喲 大家都是成年人了 -Good. -Yo, wait, yo, yo. We're all adults here.
如果你還要待著這裏就別搞得大家都不舒服 Let's not make it uncomfortable if you're gonna be around more.
-要不我們喝杯酒吧 -那個 首先 -Let's have a beer sometime. -Okay, first of all,
我並不想和你喝啤酒 I don't want to go to have a beer with you.
我不想跟你待在一起 我不喜歡你 I don't want to hang out with you. I don't like you.
我不喜歡你老婆 我不喜歡你們處理問題的方式 I don't like your wife. I don't like your guys' deal.
我覺得很糟而且都玩爛了 I think it sucks and it's played out.
嘿 如果你改主意了 這是我的名片 Hey, if you ever change your mind, here's my card.
啊 又來了 弗蘭克拖車 Ah, here we go. "Tow with Frank."
你怎麼會想到這個名字 Where'd you come up with that name?
-這很直接啊 -好吧 我跟你講 -It's very straightforward. -All right, I'll tell you this.
這張名片設計得很酷 The design of that card is pretty cool.
而我最喜歡的地方就他媽的在那兒 And my favorite part is right fucking there.
哦 天 Oh, God.
哇 真是太... 不 這照的是我們 弗蘭克 Wow, that is just... No, that's us, Frank.
-你知道嗎 -我搞得定 我搞得定 -You know what? -I got it. I got it.
你大概拍了15張該死的自拍了 You've taken about 15 goddamn selfies.
-耶 -好啦 -Yeah! -All right.
好啦 酷 All right. Cool.
再見 媽媽 Bye, Mom.
-玩得開心點 寶貝 好了 -我會的 -Have fun, honey. Okay. -I will.
再見 老爸 Bye, Dad.
記住... 捅進去 轉一下 再拉出來 Remember... stab, turn, drag.
我沒拿那把刀 爸爸 I don't have the knife, Dad.
不 你拿了 看下你的手包 Yes, you do. Check your clutch.
嘿 呃 很榮幸 先生 Hey, uh, it's been a pleasure, sir.
我真的 呃 是... 我很榮幸 I really, um, it's... I'm honored.
哦 Oh.
有力 專業的握手 Intense, professional grip.
開心點 Cheers.
放鬆點 大個子 Take it easy, big guy.
嘿 呃 也祝你們有一個愉快的夜晚 知道嗎 Hey, uh, you guys have a good night, too, you know.
謝謝 Thank you.
看到那得意的笑了嗎 那個笑是怎麼回事 See that smirk? What was up with that smirk?
你太緊張了 You are intense.
-薩姆 嘿 -哦 嘿 洛克伍德先生 -Sam. Hey. -Oh, hey, Mr. Lockwood.
-嘿 -很高興認識你 -Hey. -Nice to meet you.
-查德 對了 過來 哥兒們 過來點 -好的 哦 -Chad, yes, come on, man. Bring it in. -Yes. Oh.
不錯 耶 Good. Yeah.
我的帽子 My hat.
-我想很快地和薩姆說幾句話 -當然 沒問題 -I want to talk to Sam real quick. -Yeah. Okay.
呃 幫我快速照張相 查德 Uh, let... let me get a picture real quick. Chad.
-哦 好的 -就很快照一張 非常快 -Oh. Okay. -Real quick photo. Just so fast.
不要去管那些濾鏡什麼的 Just don't even fuck with a filter.
-就... 最原始的 -好的 看這裏 -Just... just plain. -Okay. Here we go.
-好了 給你 -然後你能 -There we go. And there. -And then you want to get
幫我和查德也很快照一張嗎 a quick one of me and Chad real quick?
-聽上去不錯 -給你 -That sounds cool. -Here you go.
-好的 -好 -薩米 給你 寶貝 -Okay. -Yep. -Sammy, here you go, baby.
就很快 拍些搞笑的 Real quick. Just a couple fun ones.
我們要怎麼做 呃... 像這樣 What are we doing? Uh... like this?
好哥們 Bros.
噘嘴 Duck lips.
然後再這樣... And then just kind of a...
朱莉 Julie?
我們跟你談一會兒嗎 Can I talk to you a second?
我們要走了 我愛你 We got to go. I love you.
我真的需要跟你談談 I'd really like to talk to you.
不過我真的得走了 But I really gotta go.
好吧 行吧 別忘了你的披肩 Okay, fine. Just don't forget your wrap.
沒關係的 It's okay.
-我感覺應該用不上 -你確定 -I don't think I need it. -Are you sure?
我們可是住在芝加哥 挺冷的 Because we live in Chicago, and it's chilly.
我不知道別的地方 I don't know about other places,
不過伊利諾伊在轉涼 but it gets cold in Illinois.
今晚並不是那麼冷 我認為 It's not that cold tonight, so I don't
-我不需要 好不 -好吧 朱莉 等下 -think I need it, okay? -Okay, Julie, wait.
所以等畢業舞會結束你到奧斯汀家之後你會給我打電話 對吧 So you'll call me when you get to Austin's after prom, right?
對 Right.
好的 Okay.
-好的 -我愛你 -Okay. -I love you.
好的 我 我愛你 Okay. I-I love you.
好 Okay!
-嗯 好的 -Mm. Okay.
-太棒了 -This is so cool!
-干了它 -Blow it out!
查德 我 呃 Chad, I, um...
去年我看到你扮演了皮平 I saw you do Pippin last year.
-那個真的不錯 -哦 -很好 -That was really good. -Oh. -Nice.
是的 你歌唱的真心不錯 兄弟 Yeah, you're a really good singer, man.
-今年你打算做什麼 -好吧 呃 我們今年打算 -What are you doing this year? -Yeah. Um, we're actually
飾演阿諾德 就是男性版的安妮 doing Arnold, which is an all-male version of Annie.
好吧 -抓到你們喝酒了 Okay. -Caught you drinking.
大伙 就是玩笑 Just kidding, y'all.
我可能看上去像個家長 但是我向你們保證 我不是緝毒特警 I may look like a parent, but I assure you, I am no narc.
謝謝 先生 Thank you, sir.
還沒結束 我的名字是魯迪 Not done yet. Name's Rudy.
我沒有去成我的畢業舞會 I did not go to my prom.
真的沒去成 我的腿被一輛水泥卡車壓碎了 No, my leg was crushed by a cement truck,
所以我沒辦法跳舞了 但是 so I could not dance, but...
我把它變成了我一生的使命 So I've made it my mission in life...
就是 我的全部事業 well, my whole career...
就是確保像你們這樣的小孩子 to make sure that little kids like you
能有一個愉快的夜晚可以回憶一生 have a wonderful night to remember forever.
所以你們只需要坐在後面 好好放鬆 享受你們今晚的畢業舞會 So just sit back, relax and enjoy your prom night.
-好的 -Okay.
噢 媽的 那就是轉折 媽的 Oh, fuck, that was the turn! Fuck!
嗨 莉絲 Hey, Lis?
你這有急救貼嗎 You got any S.O.S. Pads?
我在泡那些平底鍋 你把通心粉 I'm soaking those pans, but you burnt the shit
和起司都烤焦了 另外 out of that mac and cheese, and...
用海綿洗不乾淨 sponge just isn't gonna cut it.
感謝你幫忙清理 Thanks for helping clean up.
小事一樁 不用客氣 Don't mention this one.
我是說 瑪茜帶著孩子提前回家了 I mean, Marcie brought the baby home early, and...
我也得讓自己忙起來 I got to keep busy.
好讓我不去想凱拉和康納 I got to keep my mind off of Kayla and "Connor."
這麼說不合適 That's not the right way to use those.
因為他的名字實際上就是康納 'Cause his name is actually Connor.
所以 So...
沒事的 It's okay.
-加州大學洛杉磯分校 -是啊 -UCLA? -Uh-huh.
我不是有意窺探的 我就是 I didn't mean to snoop, but I'm...
不 不 沒事的 No, no. It's okay.
我的意思是 我認為這件事不會是真的 I mean, I don't think it's a real thing.
她並不是真的要去 She's not actually gonna go.
我覺得她申請就是鬧著玩的 I think she just applied for fun.
她沒有...怎麼了 你聽到什麼不一樣的消息了 She didn't... Why? Have you heard differently?
我覺得這是要離家了 她申請這個學校 I would assume it's to go, but she very well
可能就是為了跟你對著干 could have applied ironically.
你...你知道的 千禧一代 對吧 You... you know millennials, right?
-嗯 嗯嗯 -而且她不管去哪 -Hmm. Mm-hmm. -And wherever she goes,
你都有大把時間可以支配了 you can have a bunch of time on your hands.
在接下來你的下半生 Can figure out what you want to do
你可以搞清楚你想要做什麼 for the back nine of your life.
嗯哼 好的 Uh-huh. Yeah.
我覺得朱莉沒關她的電腦 I think Julie left her laptop open.
朱莉正忙著發消息 Julie's doing a lot of texting.
-恩嗯 -沒問題嗎 -Mm-hmm. -Is everything okay?
也許我們應該去查看一下 Maybe we should check to see?
-平常心 -行 -Peace of mind. -Yeah.
這是什麼情況 What the hell is that?
我不知道 I have no idea.
你還在這做什麼 What are you still doing here?
嗨 你的 呃 Hey, your, uh...
你做的通心粉和起司已經一團糟了 your mac and cheese is messed up.
你們在窺探你們的孩子 Are you guys snooping on your kids?
這可不好 That is not cool.
不 如果信息它自己出現的就不是偷窺 No, it's not snooping if the information shows up.
這就是偷窺 That's exactly what snooping is.
不 這就像愛國者法案 它就是 No, it's like the Patriot Act. It's...
好吧 這絕對不是愛國者法案那種情況 Well, it's not like the Patriot Act.
-它就像偷窺 -好吧 我們不知道 -It's like snooping. -Okay, we don't know
他們在聊什麼 所以 what they're talking about, so...
-什麼 -好吧 -What? -Okay.
噢 它就像謎題一樣嗎 Oh, is it like puzzles?
噢 噢 我超愛解謎 剛剛看到但丁密碼 Ooh, ooh! I love puzzles. Just saw Inferno.
對 好極了 他們在說什麼 Yeah, great. What are they saying?
好的 這有些表情關於茄子 手 Okay, so there's something about an eggplant hand...
-握手 -茄子協議 -handshake. -Eggplant agreement.
對 他們一致同意要做茄子帕馬森乳酪 Yeah. They got an agreement to make eggplant parmesan.
不是的 青少年的表情語言中茄子是丁丁的意思 No, eggplants are dicks in teenage emoji language.
-什麼 -你知道嘛 這是真的 -What? -You know what, that's true.
朱莉告訴我這些表情 Julie told me that... that the emojis have...
-他們全部都有隱含義 -是的 -they all have secret meanings. -Mm-hmm.
就像 樹代表大麻 雪花是可卡因 So, like, trees are weed, and snowflakes are cocaine,
這個是"尖叫女王" and that thing is "Yas queen."
-亞斯女王 -這個是什麼 -Yas queen! -What the hell is that?
-你以前沒聽說過亞斯女王 -沒有 -You've never heard of "Yas queen"? -No.
好吧 老爺爺 All right, grandpa.
等下 朱莉正在發起 Hold on. Julie is making...
一種與二老相關的協議 some kind of a dick-related agreement here.
凱拉也加入了 Kayla is in on the agreement.
-不 不可能 -"好吧 小丑臉" -No fucking way. -"Okay, clown face."
這個是什麼意思 What the fuck does that mean?
這個是說她負責當小丑 That means she's down to clown.
好吧 -三個茄子 Okay. -Three eggplants?
看這個流出口水的笑臉 And look at the drool coming out of that smiley face.
你會希望那是口水 You wish that was drool.
-那個來了 我的夥計 -停下 -That's come, my man. -Stand down.
它是 看 來了 他像這樣 It is. Look, it's come. He's like...
這個代表性交我以前見過 This is sex if I've ever seen it
-用表情的方式表達的 -噢 不 不 不 也許不是 -illustrated in emoji form. -Oh, no, no, no. Maybe not.
她們是最好的朋友 他們像這樣說 They're best friends. They're just saying, like,
"你跟我一起沒問題 肯定沒問題 "You're okay with me. You're okay to me.
-你沒問題" -你對你的朋友這樣說過 -You're okay to me." -You say that to your friends?
不管何時我見到我的朋友 我這樣 Whenever I see my friends, I go,
"嗨 你跟我一起沒問題" "Hey, you're okay with me."
-我不這樣 -等下 -I don't use these. -Hold on.
舉手同意 舉手同意 Agreement hands, agreement hands,
舉手同意 這是個...它是性交協議 agreement hands. This is a... It's a sex agreement.
-她們在制定性交協定 -They're making a sex pact.
她們打算在畢業舞會夜破處 They're gonna lose their virginity on prom night.
這個不可能是性交協議 That cannot be a sex pact.
那是 那是友誼 That? That is friendship.
並且它是...它是友誼的約定 And that is... that is the bond of friendship
永不打破的友誼約定 that can never be broken.
-我是說 也許 -是的 -I mean, maybe. -Yeah.
噢 看 他們寫了"2018 性交協定" Oh, look, they wrote "Sex Pact 2018."
我猜中了 超愛謎題 I fucking knew it! I love puzzles.
我告訴你們了 你看但丁密碼了嗎 I told you guys. Have you seen Inferno?
-莉絲 你看過但丁密碼嗎 -給你的孩子打電話 -Lis, have you seen Inferno? -Call your kid.
你們看過但丁密碼嗎 Have you guys seen Inferno?
我兩秒內看明白了 你看過但丁密碼了嗎 I figured it out in two seconds. Did you see Inferno?
那個傢伙一開始就脫線了 The guy jumps off the thing in the beginning.
他被病毒感染了 你們看過湯姆·漢克斯主演的但丁密碼了嗎 He's got a virus. Have you seen Inferno with Tom Hanks?
好的 好的 她不接電話 Okay. Okay, she's not answering her phone.
凱拉也不接 Yeah, Kayla isn't, either.
到底發生了什麼 Okay, what the heck is happening?
她一直對我很誠實 She's always been honest with me.
她總是給我說實話的 She's always told me the truth,
但現在我卻陷在她的謊言裏 and now I'm just swimming in a pool of lies.
好吧 這就是接下來要發生的 Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.
她要跟那個叫奧斯汀的孩子上床 She's gonna have sex with that Austin kid,
然後她就會認為她產生了 and then she's gonna think that she has
並不是真的存在的那些感覺 all these feelings, which she does not actually have,
然後她就會橫穿國家 then she's gonna drive across country
去追隨他然後毀了自己一生 and follow him and ruin her fucking life.
好吧 我覺得距離發生這件事 Okay, I think that's a pretty big
還有好長一段時間 leap to make when you read a...
我的每一份工作 我的所有都是 I have invested every single piece of my being
為凱拉的成功所做的準備 現在呢 into preparing Kayla for success, and now this?
她就要跟一個有"男士麵包"的垃圾做愛 She is about to have sex with some dipshit with a "Man bun."
你使用它們的方式不正確 You're not using those in the right way.
嘿 我們能回到"地球"上嗎 Hey, can we all come back to "Planet Earth"?
因為這沒什麼大不了 'Cause this is not a big deal.
她們是青春期少女 他們有性行為 They're teenage girls. They have sex.
你會大驚失色嗎 就因為你看到了蜜蜂上了一朵花 Do you, like, freak out when you see a bee fucking a flower?
-我要去阻止她 -我加入 -I'm gonna stop her. -I'm in.
讓我們去阻止這群狗娘養的 Let's cock-block those motherfuckers.
哇 Whoa.
不 先生 不 不 不 不要 No, sir. Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.
我給薩米保證了今夜會成為她一生最棒的夜晚 I promised Sam the greatest night of her life,
如果你們要去毀了你們女兒今夜的計劃 and if you guys fuck up your daughters' night,
也就毀了我家寶貝妞的畢業舞會夜 it's gonna fuck up my daughter's night,
這絕對不酷 and that shit is "Not cool."
我不關心這對你而言酷不酷 I don't give a fuck what's cool with you.
我們走 米切爾 我開車 Let's go, Mitchell. I'll drive.
嘿 嘿 嘿 等下 不 不 不行 Hey, hey, hey, wait! No, no, no.
你要去 You want to go?
你得先過我這關 You're gonna have to go through me.
-噢 老天 -Oh, Jesus.
好吧 你居然知道我在吹牛 等下 Okay, you called my bluff. Wait.
等下 嘿 嘿 Wait! Hey, hey!
-滾 從我身邊滾開 -嘿 嘿 -Get off! Get off of me! -Hey! Hey!
-滾 -這不酷 -Get off! -It's not cool!
這一點兒都不酷 It's not cool!
嘿 計劃是什麼 這太蠢了 Hey! What's the plan? This is stupid.
滾開 Fuck off.
我很抱歉 我很抱歉 你到底在幹嘛 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. What the fuck are you doing?
我就是要跟我女兒談5分鐘 I just need to talk to my daughter for five minutes.
從車上滾下去 Get out of the car!
-你下去 你下去 -你下去 -You get out. You get out. -You get out.
-不要重複我說的話 -打開車門 -Stop saying what I'm saying. -Open the door!
-不要重複我說的話 -不要重複我說的話 -Stop saying what I'm saying. -Stop saying what I'm saying.
-停下來...好嘛 聽著 聽著 -嘿 -Stop... Okay, listen, listen. -Hey.
莉絲 所有人都鎮靜 鎮靜 好不好 Lis. Okay, everyone calm down, calm down.
-但是你得下去 -車窗 -But you got to go. -The-the window.
-不要 車窗 -嘿 -No, the window. -Hey.
-這TM什麼鬼 不 天啊 -What the fuck? No! Holy...
啊 這個短褲是新的 Ah, these are new shorts!
休戰 休戰 Truce! Truce!
休戰 Truce.
休戰 休戰 休戰 Truce, truce, truce.
-我很抱歉 我很抱歉 -I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
-噢 我的天 -Oh, my fucking God.
啊啊啊 Aah!
對不住了 兄弟 Sorry, man.
別費勁了 It's not gonna work.
你可不是施瓦辛格 You're not Schwarzenegger.
什麼鬼 How is that possible?
這怎麼可能 靠 How is that possible? Oh, shit.
我錯了 我錯了 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh!
我的蛋呀 我的蛋呀 Oh, my balls! My balls!
你這屁股也太... Your ass is so...
-滾... -喂 嘿 -Get... -Hey! Hey!
-滾到後面去 -誒喲喂 還是朋友嘛 -Get out! -Not cool! Aah!
你們這是圍毆我 You're bullying me.
欺凌弱小呀 This is bullying.
你們現在做的事情是錯誤的 What you're doing is wrong!
你要知道你女兒也是這愚蠢的性愛協議裏一員 You know your daughter's in this stupid sex pact, too.
是啊 但她絕不會去實施的 好嘛 Yeah, and she's not gonna do anything about it, okay?
是啊 好像你很瞭解你女兒一樣 Oh, like you would know what your daughter's gonna do.
首先 這話挺傷人的 Okay, first of all, ouch.
其次 我之所以知道 Second of all, I know nothing
薩姆不會做的原因是 is gonna happen with Sam because...
她是同性戀 because she's gay.
真的嗎 Really?
她和你說出櫃了嗎 Did she come out to you?
當然不是 No, of course not.
她都不怎麼和我交談 She barely speaks to me.
那你怎麼知道 Then how do you know?
兄弟 因為我是她爸呀 Because, bro, I'm her dad.
我可以感覺得到 And there's just some things you know.
查德啥都不是 Chad is nothing.
他就是個鬍子[打掩護的] He's like a beard.
管他掩護女同性戀的幌子叫什麼 Or whatever a lesbian beard is.
陰毛 A merkin?
我不知道 但我想說的是 I don't know. The point is,
我敢保證他們連親都不會親 行嗎 I guarantee you they don't even kiss, okay?
我並不擔心那事 我擔心的是 I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about
你們倆個蠢貨把她舞會夜給搞砸了 you two dicks fucking up her night.
行吧 但你不知道的是對於她們這些年輕女孩來說 Okay, well, what you don't understand is that sex
性有著異樣的吸引力 can be very confusing for young girls
會使她們做出一些不合邏輯的事情 and make them say things and do things that they might regret.
像從大學退學 Like dropping out of college
然後和一個自以為是命中注定的男人 to follow around the Dave Matthews Band
追著戴夫馬修斯樂隊 with a guy they think they love
但當女孩懷孕時 who then winds up getting them pregnant
那男的就為了另一個給他做塗有蒜泥蛋黃醬的烤奶酪起司的女人 and then leaving them for the girl who makes
一走了之 grilled cheese sandwiches with hash aioli on them.
呃 那只是... Yeah, that is a...
比較極端的特別例子 而且那不會發生在朱莉身上 extremely specific scenario, and that won't happen to Julie.
戴夫現在都沒在活動 Dave's not even touring right now.
他在努力的做一個好爸爸 He's taking time off for fatherhood.
那是我 你這白癡 It was me, you idiot.
是我 我就是那被人搞大肚子又被拋棄的蠢女人 Me. That happened to me.
呃 Yeah.
你還沒準備好呢 再來一張 You weren't ready. Okay, one more, one more.
微笑 Smile.
我閉眼了 I closed my eyes.
我的天 Oh, my God.
夥計們 這是我們的歌 You guys, this is our song.
你們還記得我們在薩姆那兒下雪的那天嗎 Do you remember when we got snowed in at Sam's
然後我們就一直重複的聽這歌 一遍又一遍 and we played this, like, over and over?
-對啊 -我們得去跳舞 -Yes! -We have to dance!
-快跳舞去 -這是我們的主題歌 -We have to dance! -This is our jam!
-嘿 嘿 -嗨 -Hey. Hey. -Hey.
-我想喝飲料 -好啊 -I want a drink. -Okay.
我們去喝杯 Yeah, let's go get one.
不 不 不 不 我要有酒精的 No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.
哦 你想要成人飲品 Oh, you want a "Drink" Drink.
-沒錯 -好的 讓我聯繫下我同伴 -Yeah. -Okay, let me call my guy.
你好 飲品先生 Hello, Mr. Drink-Drink.
-讓我們狂歡起來吧 -好滴 -Let's go get fucked up. -Okay.
喂 凱拉 凱拉 Hey, wait, Kayla, Kayla.
啊 這 Ah, it's...
嘿 查德 Hey, Chad.
我去拿點 呃 甜點 I'm gonna go get, uh, some dessert.
-給我也來些 -Get me two.
嘿 安吉莉卡 這披肩不錯 Hey, Angelica, it's a nice cape.
哦 嘿 薩姆 Oh, hey, Sam.
謝謝稱讚 Thank you.
呃 這是 這是我幾個月前為羅德克做的 Um, yeah, it's a... it's a Galadriel cape
凱蘭崔爾披風 that I made a couple months ago for LordCon.
我想我可以在舞會上再穿一次它 Figured I could wear it again.
可以顯得些與眾不同 Not too much overlap on the guest list.
完全贊同 Yeah, totally.
你和誰來的 Who'd you come here with?
就幾個我的朋友 Um, just my friends.
蘿倫和我分了 Lauren and I broke up.
噢 Oh.
別想太多 No hard feelings, though.
她就是還不確定[自己是否是同性戀] Um, she's still a little confused.
你覺得一個人是怎麼確定... How do you think one becomes...
是同性戀呢 not confused?
每個人都是不一樣的吧 It's probably different for everyone.
我的話呢 是在我親布拉德·馬可斯基的時候 But for me, when I kissed Brad Markowski,
我開始產生了懷疑 I started to suspect it.
然後去年 在我碰 And then last year, when I touched
達什·洛溫斯坦的雞巴時 感覺就像拿著一條死掉的蛇 Dash Lowenstein's dick, I was like, "Fuck no."
我當場就噁心的要吐了 It was like holding a dead snake.
呃 Hmm.
我想你不嘗試就永遠也不會知道 But I guess you never know until you try.
在喝這之前 Uh, before I do drink this, though,
我想讓你知道 I just want to let you know
我可是今晚有要做愛的計劃 that I am fully planning on having sex tonight.
和...和你 With... with you.
呃 那就看那感覺什麼時候來 Yeah, I-I mean, wherever the wind blows us.
那時候一定會來的 Well, the wind's gonna blow us there.
反正就看今晚走向如何 Wherever the night takes us, it's...
它將會領著你的丁丁進入我的身體 It's gonna take your penis into my vagina.
行吧 你知道的 如果宇宙也認可這事 Okay, uh, you know, if the universe wills it.
嗯會發生的 And the universe will will it.
呃 感謝你的提前預知 Thanks for letting me know, I guess.
哦 是啊 Oh, yeah.
-天啊 -我警告過你哦 -Oh, my God. -I warned you.
-這就是杜松子酒的味道嗎 -不是 -This is what gin tastes like? -No, no.
我是有聽說過杜松子酒不好喝 但這個簡直超難喝 I've heard that gin sucks, and this sucks.
不是 它... No, it's...
-我加了點... -哦 -I made it. Um... -Oh.
這做法太爛了 好嗎 This is so dumb, okay?
我們的孩子要恨死我們了 Our kids are gonna hate us
因為你們這是在羞辱他們 because you're gonna humiliate them.
我不會讓朱莉丟臉 I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.
我們可是最好的朋友 我是個很酷的媽媽 We're best friends. I'm the cool mom.
亨特 別讓我再坐你的蛋上 Hunter, don't make me sit on your balls again.
停下 停下 給我停下 Stop, stop, stop it, stop, stop. 124 - 00:35:32,495 --> 00:35:35,229 你們接下來的行為會在她們高中回憶裏 This is how they're gonna be remembered in high school.
幾個傻冒父母把自己的孩子帶離舞會 As the weirdos whose parents dragged them out of prom
只是因為他們害怕自己的孩子發生性行為 because they were afraid of their sexuality.
這不是該害怕的事情 It's not something that should be feared.
應該是被慶祝的 It should be celebrated.
而且還有我們要鼓勵和允許這些年輕女性 And-and-and we have to empower these young women.
夥計們 現在都什麼時代了 I mean, what year is it, guys?
2018年了都 It's 2018.
上帝啊 Jesus Christ.
-噁心 -你們知道嗎 -Oh, gross. -Okay, you know what?
那只是個倒霉的巧合罷了 That's an unfortunate coincidence.
他媽的不會開房嘛 Get a fucking room!
讓我們拍個照片 Let's take a picture.
凱拉 我們快來一起拍張照片 Kayla! Let's take a picture right now.
-好的 酷 -現在 現在 -Okay, cool. -Right now. Right now.
起司 Cheese.
我的天 我媽打給我快15次了 Oh, my God, my mom called me like 15 times.
-不會吧 -她瘋了吧 -Ooh. Nope. -She's crazy.
-不可以哦 -這挺搞笑的 -No, that's a no. -That's kind of funny.
-飛行模式 -不行呀 -Boom. Airplane mode. -No.
我們現在就是在美好的天空中飛行 Yeah. We're flying the friendly skies now.
直到我媽崩潰 Yeah, till she freaks out.
嘿 我們能現在 離開這嗎 Hey, can we please, like, get out of here?
不行 我們不能現在就走啊 No. We can't go right now.
他們還沒彈我和奧斯汀定情歌 They haven't even played me and Austin's song yet.
我們還怎麼可能上床呢 How are we gonna get in the mood?
我哪知道呀 點你的催情蠟燭唄 I don't know, light your Walgreens candle.
那是之後 你難道不想... 快看 That's later. Don't you want... Look, look.
傑克·多納休都在熱身了 Jake Donahue is just warming up.
你難道不想看他跳地板舞嗎 Don't you want to see him break-dance
-然後把他自己弄傷 -不要 -and probably hurt himself? -No.
-那肯定超好玩的 -我不想看 -It's gonna be so good. -I don't.
你們還記得賽利·霍金斯舞那次 Do you remember at the Sadie Hawkins Dance
他嘗試做蟲狀 when he tried to do the worm
結果他跌了然後被門牙撞了 and he fell and broke his two front teeth?
-是啊 他還得去醫院 -我還有照片 -Yeah. He had to go to the hospital. -I have pictures.
那超好笑的 這次肯定會更贊 It was great, and this is gonna be better.
-不 不 不 不 -我們得待在這 -No, no, no. No! -So we're staying.
朱莉 朱莉 我發誓你一定會 Julie, Julie, I promise that you're
和你男友跳你倆的定情歌 gonna dance to your song with your boyfriend tonight.
這裏快無聊爆了 This place is dying, okay?
-我們得離開這 -行吧 -We got to get out of here. -Okay, fine.
太好了 走吧 Okay, cool. Let's go.
我們要去湖邊小屋了 We're going to the lake house.
我覺得這肯定不值85美金 I am not sure that this was worth $85.
-查德呢 -什麼 -Where's Chad? -What?
哦 他很有可能還在跳得不亦樂乎 Oh, he's probably out on the dance floor.
我去找他然後和你們在外面碰面 I'm gonna go find him and meet you guys outside.
-行吧 -好的 -All right. -Okay.
什麼鬼 The fuck?
這只會假笑的渾小子 Smirking little piece of shit.
-頭髻 頭髻 -讓我們抓到他 -Top knot. Top knot. -Let's get him.
你們去做那個 Yeah, you guys go do that.
我去揍幾個人 I'm gonna get some punch.
混蛋 你以為你能對我女兒動手動腳嗎 All right, asshole, what'd you do with my daughter?
你們倆都有這個爛髮型 Two of you guys have the same shitty haircut?
嘿 Hey.
看著我 我頭髮都太長了 Look at me. My hair's too long.
嘿 你不能隨便語言攻擊這些孩子 Hey. You can't go around assaulting children.
如果你想得到信息你得混進學生堆裏 You have to blend in if you want some information, okay?
就... 就自然些 So just... just be cool.
天啊 God.
行吧 Okay.
朱莉 Julie?
舞會夜 Prom night, huh?
什麼 What?
就... 就比較特別的晚上 Just... just special night.
得試試 Got to try.
-查德 -哈 -Chad? -Yeah.
這是我的時刻 This is my moment.
你毀掉了我的時刻 You ruined my moment!
去你的時刻 Fuck your moment.
-那裏發生了什麼 -發生的事... -What happened back there? -What happened is that...
是我的女兒親了查德儘管她討厭這樣 is that my daughter was kissing Chad even though she hated it.
而且我被你們兩個傻子 And I've been dragged into this situation
-拉進了這個局面 -忽視他吧 -by you two fucking idiots. -Just ignore him.
-好主意 -我們要去奧斯汀的家裏 -Great idea. -We're gonna go to Austin's house.
朱莉說那裏會舉辦餘興派對 Julie said that's where the after-party is,
-我們要去那裏找到她們 -聽起來可行 -and we'll get 'em there. -And that sounds like a plan.
喂 你們怎麼敢忽視我 Hey, how dare you ignore me.
我們在這個局面里因為你們兩個 We are in this situation because you two
培養了一對狹窄之徒羞恥我的女兒 raised a couple of bigots who have shamed my daughter
讓她在錯誤的性關係裏丟失她的貞潔 into losing her virginity to the wrong sex.
羞恥 Shame.
我的女兒不是狹窄之徒 My daughter is not a bigot.
我們去了所有的遊行 We go to all of the marches.
我們去了稅收日遊行 沒有人去那裏 We went to the Tax Day March, and nobody goes to that shit.
-沒有人 -忽視他 -Nobody. -Ignore him.
-這很難 -對 這很難 -It's hard. -Yeah, it is hard.
因為我不會退出 'Cause I don't quit.
而且我現在要去救薩姆 And now I have to go rescue Sam,
好吧 因為她又害怕又困惑 okay, because she is scared and confused,
而且我知道因為你的性取向 and I know what it's like to be ostracized by society
而被社會排斥的滋味 for your sexual preferences.
和不是你老婆的女人上床 Sleeping with women that aren't your wife
不是一種性取向 isn't a sexual preference.
不 它是的 我選擇她們 No, it is. I prefer them.
怎麼會有父母允許小孩 How parents can let
這麼吵地放音樂 their kids play music this loud.
我們共享這個星球 We all share this planet.
我都是這麼響地聽音樂 傻狗 This is how loud I listen to my music, dawg.
也許他們根本聽不見我們 Probably won't even be able to hear us.
裏面太黑了 It's so dark in there.
你知道他們... 他們也許在後院 You know, they... okay, they could be in the backyard
玩2對2投籃 我不知道 playing two-on-two hoops. I don't know.
喔 我發現了一扇大窗戶 Oh, I found a big window.
喔 不不不不 別別別 Oh, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
相信我 別往窗子裏看 Trust me. Do not look in that window.
-什麼 -看著我 別瞧窗子裏面 -What? -Just look at me. Do not look in this window.
別看這該死的窗戶 Do not look in this fucking window.
朱莉的紅裙子 Julie's red dress.
-是的 -哦 該死 -Yeah. -Oh, shit.
我知道... 我知道這對你很艱難 You know, I know... I know this must be tough for you.
我是說 如果... 如果是凱拉在那裏 我寧願... I mean, if... hell, if that was Kayla in there, I'd...
-我 我 我寧願自殺 -不要 -I'd-I'd kill myself. -Nope.
現在不是討論這個的時候 That's the wrong thing to fucking say right now.
-停止他們 停下它 -我不能... -Stop them. Stop it. -I can't...
等一下 Wait.
嘿 這不是朱莉 Hey. It's not Julie.
-這不是朱莉 -什麼 -It's not Julie. -What?
靠 是奧斯汀的父母 Oh, shit. It's Austin's parents.
-對他們是件好事 -他們真的... -Good for them. -They're really...
他們真的在做 really going at it.
我一直想這麼做 I always wanted to do this.
我一直想看別人做愛 I've always wanted to watch people have sex.
哦天哪 他在拉她的頭髮 Oh, my God, he's yanking her hair.
啊 看起來很疼 Ow. That looks like it hurts.
我們不應該看了 夥計 過來 Yeah, we shouldn't be looking, man. Come on.
她冒著 額 屁股脫臼的風險 She runs the risk of, like, dislocating her hip.
喂 米切爾 你真變態 夥計 Hey, Mitchell. You're being a fucking perv, dude.
別看了 Don't look.
發生了什麼 What happened?
我們兩眼相對 然後他射了就 We locked eyes, and then he finished.
這說明他的重擔將永遠壓在你的靈魂上 It means his load is on your soul for eternity.
-操 -哦 他在過來 -Holy shit. -Oh, shit, he's coming.
我假裝我是一顆植物 I'll pretend I'm a plant.
米切爾 你在幹什麼 Mitchell? What are you doing?
-什麼 麗薩 -你好 羅恩 -What, Lisa? -Hey, Ron.
你們在這外面幹嘛呢 What are you guys doing out here?
你好 Hi.
-嗨 -太意外了 Hey. -What a nice surprise.
我以為我們的孩子在這兒 We thought the kids were here.
我們沒意識到你們在 額... We didn't realize you guys were here, uh...
哦 凱茜在和我玩 Oh, Cath and I were just having
額 畢業之夜的角色扮演 a little, uh, prom night role play.
-你懂的 讓性生活充滿樂趣 -畢業之夜 -You know, to keep the sex life alive. -Prom night.
-這種事情 -你們的小孩呢 -That kind of thing. -Where are the kids?
額 你知道孩子們在哪裏嗎 Um, do you know where the kids are?
孩子們在凱拉·蒙特羅的湖邊小屋裏 The kids are at Kyler Montero's lake house.
-你怎麼知道的 -因為奧斯汀告訴了我們 -How do you know that? -Because Austin told us.
是的 他今晚給我們發了19條信息 Yeah. He's texted me like 19 times tonight.
-哦 我的天啊 -是的 我們告訴彼此一切 -Ugh. Oh, my God. -Yeah, we tell each other everything.
-不可思議 -我是說 他知道畢業之夜的事 -It's unbelievable. -I mean, he-he knows about prom night.
-額 你知道的 -不好意思 你... Well, you know. -I'm sorry, you...
你跟你兒子說你和你老婆的性愛遊戲 you tell your son about your sex games with your wife?
-額 對的 -哇哦 這... -Uh-huh. Yeah. -Wow, that's...
-你不能這麼做 -是的 這太奇怪了 -Can't do that. -Yeah, it's weird.
-這太... 太奇怪了 -萬事都有底線的 -It's so... it's-it's weird. -There's a line.
-我們家非常開放 -是的 我們很開放 -We have a very open family here. -Yes, we do.
-我們不隱藏任何事情 -你知道嗎 -We don't hide anything. -You know what?
凱拉的地址是什麼 What is Kyler's address?
我...好吧 聽著 我覺得 I-I... Okay, listen, I-I feel like
我不能背叛奧斯汀對我的信任 I can't betray Austin's confidence in me,
而且說實在的 如果朱莉想告訴你 and frankly, if Julie wanted to tell you
房子在哪裏 她早就說了 where the house was, she would have told you.
-所以呢 -額 我 -Uh-uh. -Uh, I got...
等等等等 Hold on, hold on. Buh-buh-buh.
給我地址 Give us the address,
不然我的大兄弟會 or my giant friend's gonna tear
-撕下你老公的小雞雞 -是的 -your husband's dick off. -Yeah.
額... 不 我不會的 Uh... no, I'm not.
-不 我不會 不不不 -你怎麼了 -什麼 -No, I'm not. No, no, no. -Excuse me? -What?
這... 挺好的 That's... that's good.
然後 不好意思打擾你們兩個的夜晚 And, uh, sorry to interrupt your evening.
我希望你們享受接下來的愛愛時光 I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your lovemaking.
-哦 操 -別這樣 -Ow! Fuck! -Come on.
-你什麼意思 -怎麼了你 -What was that about? -What?
嘿 夥計 謝謝你 Hey, man, thank you for killing
-扼殺了我女兒的處女膜 -我不這麼認為 -my daughter's hymen. -I don't think so.
凱拉·蒙特羅的湖邊小屋 瑪茜做了它的衛生間 Kyler Montero's lake house? Marcie did the bathroom.
她會知道地址的 所以我們走吧 She's gonna know the address, so let's just go.
-好吧 牛 -牛 -All right, dope. -Dope.
-哦我的眼睛 -哈 -Ow, my eyes! -Yeah!
好吧 快進來 Okay, come on in now.
我們會有無盡的歡樂和遊戲只要我沒被解雇 It's all fun and games until there's a decapitation.
我不需要更多良心裏的死掉的女孩 I don't need any more dead girls on my conscience.
不好意思 魯迪 I'm sorry, Rudy.
我們不得不在我們那老舊的畢業清單裏打一個勾 We just had to check that off the old prom bucket list.
天哪 薩姆 -Oh, my God, Sam!
-來這裏 -走開 查德 -Come here. Yeah. -Move, Chad!
-查德 你要喝點兒什麼嗎 -不了 -Chad, you want a drink? -No.
那是什麼 What you got there?
這是一個非常非常特別的 This is a very, very special
輕量的大麻油 我自己的發明 reduced hash oil of my own invention.
有幫助血液循環的迷迭香精油 It has rosemary essence for blood flow,
有薑黃提取物 a curcumin extract from turmeric
可以減少炎癥 to reduce inflammation,
而且能讓你很嗨 and it gets you super baked.
好吧 All right.
讓我試一下 我應該...吸嗎 Let's do it. Do I just... I suck?
對的 按下按鈕 Yeah, you press the button,
然後輕輕吸一口 then you take, like, a little puff.
或者 吸一大口 Or a really, really big one.
好吧 Okay.
然後你保持一會兒 And then you just hold it for, like, a beat.
你們知道坦納·鄧恩的父母 You guys know that Tanner Dunn's parents
租了西園酒店的 rented out a whole floor
一整層樓來舉辦餘興派對 of the Park West Hotel for an after-party?
什麼 -What?
額...是的 他 額... Um... yeah, he, uh...
我猜他們非常富有而且非常以他為豪 I guess they're super loaded and they're still proud of him
儘管他花了六年才畢業 even though it took him like six years to graduate.
我記得他 他經常翹課 I remember him. He got to, uh, miss school
-當他的小孩出生時 -對的 就是他 -when his kid was born. -Yeah, yeah, that guy.
你現在絕對應該呼出來了 You should definitely let it go now.
-哦靠 -哦 是的 -Holy shit. -Oh, yeah.
我可以一英里跑六分鐘 I can run a six-minute mile.
我的肺活量很好 My lung capacity is legit.
-不 -再來一張自拍 這次 -No! -One more selfie, and this time,
我們來擺侃爺的姿勢 let's pose like Kanye.
-不 -是的 -No. Boo! -Yes.
-你拍了太多照片了 -額... -You take too many pictures. -Uh...
他們不像他 They don't look like him.
額 這是一堆油漆的樣品和試色 Ugh, it's just a bunch of paint samples and swatches.
亨特 小聲點 Hunter, quiet.
我為什麼一定要這麼小聲 Why do I have to be quiet?
如果被瑪茜知道了就完蛋了 Shit would not fly if Marcie found out.
誰在家裏穿這種褲子 傻狗 Who wears the pants in this house, dawg?
-我穿 -哦 -I do. -Oh!
嗯 Mmm.
這是豆乳 你確定嗎 This is soy creamer? Are you sure?
這太膩了 It's pretty freaking rich.
這太混亂了 你是誰 This is so messed up. Who are you to get involved
憑什麼攪進我們女兒的性生活中 in our daughter's sex life?
-哦 甜心 我只是... -別叫我甜心 -Oh, honey, I was just try... -No, don't "Honey" Me.
你爸爸有阻止你當你破處的時候嗎 Did your dad try to stop you when you lost your virginity?
這完全不一樣 That's totally different.
沒什麼不一樣的 你這是雙重標準 It is not different. It's a double standard.
哦 當一個男人破處時 這沒什麼大不了的 Oh, when a guy loses his virginity, it-it's no big deal.
而且值得慶祝 但是如果是女孩子 It's celebrated, but if a girl does,
這算是某種天真的丟失 it's some sort of big loss of innocence?
-是的 -但是 你們 -Yes. -But come on, you guys.
這他媽就是一回事 It's the same damn thing.
哦 瑪茜 Oh, Marcie!
別說話了 Stop talking.
-給我們地址 -給我們地址 -Just give us the address. -Just give us the address.
實話實說 麗薩 我不敢相信你在他們那邊 Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe you're on their side.
那邊 這不是什麼哲學討論 Side? This is not some philosophical debate.
我們在阻止我們的女兒 We're trying to stop our daughters
遠離他們計劃的什麼性愛條約 from some kind of sex pact that they've planned
而且全程不過腦子 and not thought through all the way.
這簡直一派胡言 That is such bullshit.
你要如何期待這個社會公平對待女性 How do you expect society to treat women
然而他們的父母根本不這樣做 as if they're equal when their own parents won't?
我不知道 I don't know about that.
我們明天再說社會的問題 I'll deal with society tomorrow.
此時此刻我只想談我的女兒 Right now I'm thinking about my daughter.
好吧 這... 這很方便 Well, that is... that's convenient.
是的 而且你知道嗎 Yeah. You know what?
進一步去瞭解然後成為其中的一員 Go ahead and be part of the group
這個團體就是為了幫助 that perceives women as little
那些正遭受痛苦的女生而存在的 damsels in distress that need saving.
誰關心過我們根本沒有什麼報酬 Who cares about us not getting paid as much
甚至無法掌控自己的身體 or not having control of our own bodies?
你能不要跟我說這些嗎 Can you please not talk to me
搞得好像我是個炸毀墮胎診所的人一樣 like I'm someone who bombs abortion clinics?
我覺得我們好像跑題了 I think we're a little off topic.
我們只是要搞到地址 Just... we need the address.
我真的不敢相信你竟然認為朱莉 I just can't believe that you think Julie
沒有權利探索她的性生活 shouldn't be free to explore her sexuality
但那些男生卻可以 in the same way that boys are.
男女有別啊 Girls and boys are very different.
那些傢伙會在他們面前好好表現自己 Guys will take whatever's in front of them.
我們會對他們產生好感 然後 We have these feelings, and then...
你的父母不會讓你見那個男人 your parents won't let you see the man.
他還會寫很多信給你 And then he just writes a lot of letters,
但你永遠收不到那些信 but you don't get them
你媽會把信都扣下來 because your mom doesn't give them to you,
那段纏綿思念的時光真的很難 and then it starts raining really hard
因為他抓住的你的心並且許諾了你一個美好的未來 'cause he built a house for you,
然而 後來卻 and... and then it's...
-米切爾 你找到地址了嗎 -找到了 -Mitchell, did you get the address? -Yep.
-什麼 -我真的很抱歉 我明天會打電話給你 -What? -I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
-我真的有點緊張 -見到你真是太好了 -I'm just really stressed out. -It was so good to see you.
難道是那個筆記本 Was that The Notebook?
去他的 亨特 該死的 米切爾 Fucking fuck off, Hunter. Goddamn it! Mitchell!
我愛你 但我所做的是為了我們的女兒 I love you. I'm doing this for our daughter.
-我會晚點回來的 -我操 -I'll be home late. -Fucking shit!
為我們的初夜乾杯 To the loss of our innocence.
-來吧 -噢 -Come on. -Ooh!
你們這些傢伙 You guys.
今天真的是最棒的一晚 This is the best night.
我喝的有點醉 非常嗨 I am so drunk, super high,
康納好像有點好東西 and Connor has a little something-something
我覺得我得去看看 that I feel I need to go check out.
好吧 現在是洩慾的時間了 All right. It's fuck o'clock.
-怎麼可能 你也是嗎 -嗯 -No way. You, too? -Yep.
-這是些馬卡龍 -噢 -These are macarons. -Ooh.
裏面有些我特調的秘密藥水 With a very special concoction of mine
我叫它戴維海浪 that I call Wavy Davy.
這是些我從黑網上淘來的致幻藥 So it's DMT that I get from the Dark Web.
嗯 還有一點點鎮靜劑 Uh, and then there's a little tiny bit of Xanax
來去減緩些致幻藥的作用 你懂的 to just kind of take the edge off, you know.
這玩意真的很稀缺 It's pretty tight.
聽起來是個好東西 Mm, sounds pretty tight.
我把它們和白巧克力一起做成了馬卡龍 And then I bake it into a white chocolate macaron,
就是它了 覆盆子餡兒的 and it has, like, a raspberry filling
不僅是色彩亮麗口感蓬鬆 that's both, uh, light and fluffy
而且味道豐富相當美味啊 but also very flavorful and satisfying.
你準備好了嗎 Are you ready?
-嗯 是啊 是啊 -行 來吧 -Uh, yeah. Yeah. -Yeah, let's do it.
行 Okay.
-呃 -開吃 -Mmm. -Let's go.
嗯 Hmm.
-挺好吃的 -It's yum.
嗯 Hmm.
好了 所以我們該幹點什麼 我們就在這總是閃的光下散步嗎 Okay, so what do we do? We just walk in and-and flick
-這些燈只要這些孩子走過就會閃嗎 -操 -the lights on and off until the kids come? -Shh.
只要表現得年輕酷炫點 我們就能溜進去了 Just act cool and young, and maybe we'll just slip in.
米切爾 把你的襯衫從褲子裏扯出來 Mitchell, untuck your shirt.
不 這不是那種襯衫 No, it's not that kind of shirt.
-弄出來看起來會很蠢 -弄出來吧 -It looks stupid untucked. -Untuck your shirt.
你看起來像是個年輕的老師 You look like a youth minister.
弄出來吧吧 老哥 Untuck your fucking shirt, man.
-我們正在試圖看起來更酷一點 -好吧 -We're trying to look cool. -All right.
抱歉 兄弟 抱歉 Sorry, bro. Sorry, guys.
抱歉 我朋友喝醉了 Sorry. My friend's wasted.
-不要 -Don't.
嘿 嘿 不 成年人不准進我的房子 Hey, hey. No... no adults are getting into my house.
今晚可不是畢業晚會 Not on prom night. Okay, not on prom.
我們剛從街上過來 We were just down the street
從另一個派對來的 我們剛打算 at, um, another party, and then we just decided
來這叫上你們一起 to come up here and hang with you guys.
這沒有父母對吧 Um, no parents here, right?
噢 謝天謝地 Oh, thank God.
不 這可不歡迎你們 不行 No, not except for you guys. No.
我們不是 We're not...
-嗯 不 -我們不是 -Yeah, no. -We don't...
好吧 那你們是警察 Okay, so you're cops.
我去年搞了兩次醉駕 我怎麼可能是條子 I got two DUIs last year. How could I be a cop?
警察 虧你們想得出來 The police?
看看我這吊在外面的襯衫 Look at my untucked shirt.
你就他媽是個警察 別扯了 You're literally the cop-iest motherfucker I've ever seen.
你看看你這頭髮剪的就像個方的車屁股 You look like you got your hair cut in the back of a squad car.
這難道不是最普遍的男士髮型 This is a regular men's haircut.
好吧 這是有點傻 Okay, this is ridiculous.
好吧 你們是未成年 我們也一樣 All right, you're minors, we're minors.
你都得有45歲了吧 You're like 45 years old.
我去的 我77年生的 Fuck you. I was born in '77.
87年 不 94年 '87. '94.
我們想和你們一起喝點 We're gonna drink with you guys.
警察能和未成年一起喝酒 Would cops drink with underage kids?
-不行 -不 -No. -No.
得了 來個小型喝酒比賽怎麼樣 Okay. What about a little chugging contest?
是啊 Yeah.
行啊 Bring it.
好吧 等等 Okay, wait.
我已經準備好房間了 I got to get the room ready.
噢 哇哦 Oh, wow.
你真的準備好要來了 是嗎 You're really going for it, aren't you?
我在浪漫喜劇裏看的這些場景 I saw this in the romantic comedy,
美國麗人 真的很棒 American Beauty. So good.
你全都看了嗎 You watch the whole thing?
你知道這個蠟燭對我而言意味著什麼 You know what this candle does to me.
是給你艾滋病的那個 Is that the one that gives you hives?
-不 這是個好的 -哦 很好 -No, it's the good one. -Oh, nice.
你現在看起來很性感 You look so hot right now.
-我的大夥伴們在哪 你們準備好了嗎 -當然 -Where are my chuggers at? You ready? -Yeah!
-噢 這兒 走吧 -哇哦 -Oh, right here. Let's go. -Whoot, whoot!
-好的 -All right.
-酷 -脫吧 -Cool. -Drop 'em.
來呀 Let's do it.
等等 啥 Wait, what?
夥計們 Guys?
我們只是喝酒 不是嗎 We're just chugging, right?
我們是屁股喝酒 We're butt-chugging.
耶 你們得塞根管子到屁股裏 Yeah, you put the tube up your butt,
然後用漏斗往裏灌 and you funnel the beer in.
還有很多辦法搞定你 兄弟 相信我 Fucks you up way more, man. Trust me.
-嘿 屁股喝酒 -你答應了 你得去做 -Guys, butt-chugging? -You got this. You got it.
不 我可沒同意這個 你來啊 No, I'm tagging out. You're in.
-啥 為什麼是我 -你生過孩子了啊 -What? Why me? -You've had a baby.
你那更寬鬆了 Everything's looser down there.
我可不是用屁眼生的孩子 I didn't have a baby out of my butt.
-這我都知道 -米切爾 -Even I know that. -Mitchell.
行吧 這對於我來說雖然不是個常有的事情 Okay, this isn't a common occurrence with me,
但我之前還是有些經驗的 but I have had things up there before.
-嗯 -你得注意呼吸 -Hmm? -It's just all about breathing.
就是通過呼吸然後讓酒進來 So just breathe through it and accept it in.
我做不到 不可能的 I can't do it. I can't do it.
嘿 她現在正在裏面和康納那個白癡在一起呢 Hey! She's up there right now with that dick-bag Connor
正看著那男人的圓臀傻笑呢 with his man bun and that stupid smirk.
你想想這些 Think about this.
等等 康納 W-Wait. Connor?
你們知道康納 阿爾德裏奇 大廚師 You know... you know Connor Aldrich, "The Chef"?
為什麼他們叫他 大廚師 Why do they call him "The Chef"?
或許他們是個南方公園的腦殘粉吧 Uh, maybe a big fan of South Park?
你好 孩子 "Hello, children."
不不 他把毒品烹飪進任何東西裏 No, no. He cooks drugs into everything.
任何東西 呃 有次他也給我嘗了 Everything. Uh, one time he made me
那個就像酸的法式杏仁蛋糕 this, like, acid financier cake. Oh!
他媽的簡直爽飛 兄弟 That shit was to die for, man.
就像 我說的 真的快要爽死了 Like, literally, I almost fucking died.
好吧 兄弟 如果你們的女兒吃了什麼像那種蛋糕一樣的東西 Yeah, dude, if your daughter had anything like that cake,
她可能明天不會記得你是誰 she might not remember who you are tomorrow.
把管子給我拿來 Give me the fucking tube.
硬起來 Let's bone.
等等 啥 噢 Wait, what? Oh.
你確定這就是你想要做的方式 Are you sure that this is how you want to do it?
是的 乍得 Yes, Chad.
這就是我一直在幻想的場景 This is always how I've imagined it.
噢 你知道的 我更想脫了我的襯衫 如果會更性感的話 Oh, you know, I'd rather leave my shirt on, if that's sexier.
我還要點飲料 I need another drink.
等等 呃 Wait, wait, uh...
你能先用什麼東西潤滑一下嗎 Can you lube it up with something first?
-是啊 我可以吐點東西在那上面 -滾 -Yeah, I'll just spit on it. -No!
為什麼 因為我是男的 克服一下你自己 Why? Because I'm a man? Get over yourself.
不 因為你真他媽的噁心 No, 'cause you're fucking gross,
你的口水更噁心 and your fucking saliva's gross.
我有 我有唇膏 I have... I have lip gloss. I have lip gloss.
-有唇膏 我們有唇膏 -行 好吧 媽的 -Got a lip gloss. We got a lip gloss. -Okay, fine. Shit.
其實我沒有唇膏 I don't have lip gloss.
-好了 各位老鐵們 讓我們把管子塞進去吧 -All right, guys, let's get those tubes in.
好了 我已經塗了唇膏了 All right, I got the lip gloss on there.
-好的 -好吧 好吧 -Okay. -Okay, okay.
-好了 -好的 準備好了嗎 -All right. -Okay, ready?
哇 哇 哇 Ow, ow, ow, ow!
-還沒進去呢 -好的 -咦 -It's not in yet. -Okay. -Chill.
來 我數三個數 So it's just gonna be on the count of three.
你行的 為了你的孩子 You got this, dawg. This is for your kid.
-數到三的時候就塞了 好 -行 -On three. Okay. All right. Yeah. -On three.
-好的 一 -一 -Okay, one... -One...
-噢 -你還好嗎 -Oh! -Are you okay?
-好的 你們用了40秒 -他們用了更大的管子 -Okay, get your 40s. -They got a lager and an IPA.
算了 就這樣吧 - -Does it... Doesn't-doesn't...
-沒關係 沒關係 -好吧 -It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. -Okay.
-我不知道這個 -不 不 不 -I don't know about this. -No, no, no, no.
-這太慢了 它已經進去了 -幹的好 -It's too late. It's already in. -Here you go.
它進去了 現在已經是你的一部分了 It's in you. It's part of you now.
-準備好了嗎 -嗯 -Ready? Set... -Yeah.
開倒 Chug...!
菊花豪飲 菊花豪飲 菊花豪飲 Butt chug! Butt chug! Butt chug!
-噢 等等 -Oh, wait. -
-嘿 嘿 -放鬆 -Hey, hey. -Loosen up.
-它不動了 老哥 -我沒法 -It's not working, dude. -I can't.
你可以抓住我的手 -好的 -You can hold my hand. -Okay.
加油 加油 Butt chug! Butt chug!
-哇哦 -你抓痛她了 -Ow! -You're hurting her.
真的很痛 -抱歉 That really hurt! -I'm sorry!
兄弟 聽著 Hey, man, listen.
把能量帶到你菊花裏去 Channel that energy into your butthole.
-深呼吸 -我三觀都被毀了 -Breathe. -This changes everything I know.
兄弟 要是你女兒看到你那麼拼 Dude, if your daughter could see you now,
肯定會為你驕傲的 she'd be so proud of you.
哇 Whoa.
我...都站不穩了 I am... I am tripping so hard.
哥們 不行啊 It's not working. It's not working, dude.
-哦 好難受啊 -是啊 -Oh, it's terrible. Oh. -It is.
菊花豪飲 菊花豪飲 Butt chug! Butt chug!
-你放鬆 -不行啊 對不起 -Open up. -No, I'm sorry.
-我不行 -注意力集中 為了你女兒加把勁 -I-I can't do it, man. -Focus! For your daughter.
媽的 米切爾 注意力集中 Fuck, Mitch. Focus.
-你要深呼吸 -你要放鬆啊 哥們 -You gotta breathe. -You gotta open up, dude.
-放鬆 -我放鬆了 我菊花打開了 -Relax. -I'm relaxed. I'm dilated.
我看著你菊花呢 沒打開 I'm staring at your asshole. You're not dilated.
米切爾 你準備輸給那個朋克兔崽子嗎 Mitchell, you're gonna lose to this punk bitch?
深呼吸 吸進去 Breathe. Take it in.
菊花豪飲 Butt chug!
來了來了 There we go.
-不錯 -哦 管用了 -Okay, good. -Oh! Oh, it's working!
-開始管用了 -太牛了 -It's working! It's working! -Holy shit! Holy shit!
快灌了一半了 We're almost halfway done.
條子來了 快跑 Po's! Fucking run!
警察 Cops?
-哦糟糕 -Oh, no!
大便啤酒 糟糕 Ass beer! Oh, oh!
麗薩 這個啤酒噴到我嘴裏了 Lisa, the beer went into my mouth!
我要去醫院 I have to go to the hospital!
快點 快出來 Hurry up! Get out of here!
媽的 Shit.
我們快走 We got to go.
大便啤酒噴到我嘴裏了 我要去醫院 I got ass beer in my mouth. I should go to the hospital.
糟糕 他媽的警察 Oh, shit. The fucking cops?
-操 -警察怎麼來了 -Fuck. -The fucking cops are here?
-等等 等等 -我沒辦法把管子拔出來 -Wait. Wait, wait, wait. -I can't get the tube out.
-把管子拔出來 -麗薩你來拔 -Pull the tube out. -Lis, pull it out.
-我不拔 是我塞進去的 -那我還在上面吐了口水呢 -No. I put it in. -I had to spit on it!
-什麼你還吐了口水 -不是口水 是我的唇彩 -What? You spit on it? -No, it was my lip gloss.
-是她的唇彩 -拔出來 -It was lip gloss. -Pull it out!
嘿你輕點 你他媽的輕點 好不好 Hey, man, be gentle. Be fucking gentle, all right?
我輕點 沒問題 準備好了嗎 I'm gonna be gentle, all right? Ready?
-數到三 -數到三 -All right, on three. -On three.
-一 -啊 -One. -Ow!
-快跑 -喔 -Come on. -Whoo!
嘿朋友們 Hey, guys. Guys.
等等 Wait, wait.
薩姆 Sam?
薩姆 我們在這兒 Sam, Sam! We're over here.
-不要 我不要... -她說... -No! No, I... No. -She's...
-今晚就到這兒了 -不 -The night is over. -No.
結束了 就這樣了 It's over. It's done.
夜晚還沒結束 The night is not over.
今夜才開始 The night has just begun.
老天 查德 用點勁 Jesus, Chad, use your legs.
我從那邊把她扛過來 I mean, I pretty much carried her,
力氣都用完了 like, the whole way there.
快點 快點 快點 Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle!
薩姆快點 Come on, Sam.
-和我們一起吧 -不行 -Come with us. -I can't.
我的車還在這兒 我的朋友們 My car is here. But all my friends
要去一個酒店派對 are going to the hotel party.
可能等會見 Maybe I'll see you later.
上車 快快 丫頭們 Get in the car! Go, go, go, girl!
-薩姆 真的快點啦 -你等下再找去找她 -Sam! Seriously, hurry up! -You'll see her later.
-你等下再找去找她 -你在磨蹭什麼啊 -You'll see her later. -What are you doing?
我向你保證今晚還沒完呢 Ooh, this night is not over, I swear to Christ!
哈扎克公爵 Dukes of Hazzard!
反正也是帶有種族歧視的表演 Racist-ass show anyway.
-兄弟 我頭好暈 -我們要找到我們的女兒 -I got the spins, man. -We got to find our daughter, dawg.
-我要坐一會兒 -魯迪 -I'm gonna sit down for a second. -Rudy!
-是魯迪 -魯迪 等等 -It's Rudy. Rudy. -Rudy, Rudy, wait, wait!
快追 快開車鎖 There he goes, there he goes! Hit the clicker!
-開門 -好了好了好了 -Open the doors! -Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
-坐好了 -坐好了 -Okay, sit. -I got mine.
繫好安全帶 要不然會罰你好多錢 Seat belts! You'll get a big ticket.
-他們在前面 -他們快跑走了 -That's them right there. -They're getting away.
-你要開的快點啊 -嗯 -You gotta go faster. Hey. -Okay.
你要用上110%的動力啊 Hey, you gotta be at 110%.
-嗯 -你要有贏的動力 -Okay. -You got to be in it to win it!
你喝醉了還說贏呢 How do you get more competitive when you're drunk?
兄弟 我喝醉了更會贏 明白嗎 Hey, man. I'm more of a winner when I'm drunk, all right?
-好吧好吧 -我問你麗薩 -Okay, okay. -And the question I have
你是贏家嗎 for you, Lis, Are you a winner?
你想不想贏 Are you in it to win it?
-老娘生來就會贏 -好吧 -Winning is my bitch! -All right.
-厲害 -叮咚叮咚 -Strong. -Knock, knock!
-誰在外面 -我呀 贏家 -Who's there? -Me winning.
你們... It's not...
你們倆個在瞎搞 It's not that good.
我不覺得...嗷 I don't... Ow, ow!
-麗薩贏家 -你們倆個在瞎搞 -Lisa winning! -It's not that good.
哎呦 好吧好吧 你們倆厲害 Ow! Fuck! All right, it's good.
我喜歡 好了吧 It's fine. I like it.
我們快追不上了 快啊 Hey, you're losing him. Let's go.
想都別想 Not on my watch.
嘿 Oh, hey!
你想超我的車 Y'all think you gonna outrun
魯迪 "我操蛋死黨" 格洛弗 Rudy "The Main Motherfucking Man" Glover?
沒門 Hell no.
-你還好嗎 -不好 -Are you all right? -No!
沒事吧 Come on.
你沒事吧 You okay?
兄弟們 Hey, guys.
我... Hey, I don't...
不太舒服... I don't feel so...
我的媽呀 Oh, my God!
啊要死啊 Oh, my God!
我們現在這樣做 All right, here's what we're gonna do.
麗薩 我看了所有的 Lisa, I have seen every single
-速度與激情電影 -嗯 -Fast and the Furious movie, okay? -Mm-hmm.
所有的系列都看了好幾遍 你看過哪個 All of them, dozens of times. Have you seen any of them?
我看了東京的那個 還有 I saw the Tokyo one, and I saw the one
巨石強森打爆魚雷的那個 where The Rock punches the torpedo.
這兩個最值得看了 Those are the best two to see.
那麼現在這個時刻 我就會問自己 Okay, in times like this, I ask myself one question:
"WWVDD?" 你知道什麼意思嗎 "WWVDD?" You know what that means?
"范·迪塞爾會怎麼做" "What would Vin Diesel do?"
靠 牛啊 Holy shit!
從來沒人猜對過 No one's ever fucking gotten that before. Okay.
天呢 這味兒... Oh, man, it smells like...
我們現在要... What we're gonna do...
碰一下它的保險杠 we're gonna kiss the bumper.
-碰一下就好 -嗯 -You give it a little tap. -Okay.
他們會被撞得打轉 然後車停下來 And then they're gonna spin and stop,
我們也打轉 停到他們另一邊 and we're gonna spin and stop the other way.
-嗯 -然後我們和他們大眼瞪小眼 -Okay. -And we're gonna look at each other,
我們說"都是為了這個家" and we're gonna go, "It's all about the family."
等等 把孩子的車撞出去我做不到 Wait, I don't feel comfortable running the kids off the road.
你現在既沒有速度也沒有激情不管用啊 This slow and un-furious attitude is not helping us.
你要相信我 You have to believe!
那好吧 我撞了 Okay, I'm gonna kiss it.
我們來了 Here we go!
什麼玩意兒 What's that?
-我撞了嗎 -沒有 碰都沒碰到 -Did I do it? -No, you didn't even kiss it.
-要撞上去 -好吧 -You gotta kiss it. -Shit. Okay.
都是為了這個家 Kiss it for the family.
-那是薩姆嗎 -她是薩姆嗎 -Is that Sam? -Is that Sam?
-天呢 -她吐在我們車上了 -Oh! Oh, God! -She barfed on us!
老天爺啊 Oh, my God!
媽的 Fuck.
別動 Okay.
我們在天堂嗎 Are we in Heaven?
聽著 我知道該怎麼辦 Okay. Listen, I know how to do this.
大家一起往後躺 Everyone lean backwards.
我們數到三一起往後躺 If we all lean backwards on three,
車子就會往後翻 the car will roll back.
-準備好了嗎 -好了 -Ready? -Okay.
一... One...
二...三 two... three.
-媽呀... -不要啊 -Oh, fuck...! -No!
-哦 -不要 -Oh! -Oh, no!
最後一點大便啤酒流出來了 Well, that's the last of the ass beer.
老天 出來了 你還好吧 Jesus! That's it. Are you okay?
你在流血嗎 你會不會有內傷啊 Are you bleeding? You might have internal blood injuries.
-我好著呢 -發現問題了吧 -I'm all right, I'm all right. -Here's the problem.
速度與激情電影根本不現實 The Fast and the Furious movies are not realistic.
我們在哪兒 Where are we?
糟糕 Shit!
媽的 Fuck.
你在幹嘛 What are you doing?
聽人說在危機時刻父母會 I heard that in times of crisis, parents have
-爆發出超人力量 -不是取笑你 靠你 -superhuman strength. -No offense... there's
的力氣把車子翻過來是沒有科學依據的 no scientific way you're gonna flip that car over.
-連我都做不到 -我也不行 -I couldn't even do that. -I couldn't do it, either.
別說我做不到 Do not tell me what I can and can't do.
凱拉又不接我電話了 Kayla's not answering again.
-糟糕啊 -我們找不到他們了 -Goddamn it. -We lost 'em, guys.
我們搞砸了 We are fucked!
可能還有希望 Or maybe not.
你這是幹什麼 What are you doing?
我試試和凱拉心靈對話 Trying to telepathically communicate with Kayla.
我和X戰警的爸媽在一起啊 I'm with the X-Men of parents.
你知道我的神秘力量是什麼嗎 You know what my secret power is?
我現在超級火大 I'm super fucking annoyed right now,
肚子上的肥肉還疼的厲害 and I hurt my love handle.
不用了 No, no.
嘿 Hey.
你們覺得我的衣服和軟呢帽配嗎 You guys think my new clothes go with my fedora?
我開完笑啦 我知道很配的 I'm just kidding. I know they do.
嗨 Hey.
-你和你媽通過話了嗎 -沒有 -Have you talked to your mom? -No.
我爸媽發消息給我 So, my parents were just texting me,
說你媽媽在他們做愛的時候 and they were having sex,
上我家來找你 and your mom showed up looking for you.
上帝 真對不起 Oh, my god. I'm sorry.
沒關係 It's... it's okay.
他們一天到晚做愛 They have sex all the time.
老天啊 Oh, my God.
她發了消息... She... The texts.
很多短消息 So many texts.
她很生氣 She's mad.
我要處理一下 I need to handle this.
好消息 一部來福特車過來了 Good news. A Lyft is on its way.
不好了 我認識這個人 他很傻逼 Oh, wait, no, I know this guy. He sucks.
糟糕 那是朱莉 -Oh, shit. It's Julie.
別慌 別慌 別慌 靜下心來 -Be-be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. -Okay, be quiet.
-好的 -嘿 老媽 -Okay. -Hey, Mom.
我剛收到你的短信 我只是想讓你知道 I just got all your texts, and I just want
我們很好 to let you know that we're all good.
好的 好的 Cool, cool. Okay.
你在畢業舞會嘛 Um, are you at the prom?
是啊 Yeah.
嗯 這裏有太多好玩的事情 Yeah, just nonstop magical moments.
你在對我撒謊 Ha! You are lying to me.
你到底在哪 你在哪 Where are you right now? Where are you?
你為什麼要抓狂 Why are you freaking out?
我抓狂 I'm freaking out
因為我知道你要幹嘛 because I know what you're up to.
我知道你和你朋友們 And I know that you and your friends
在計劃一些與性愛相關的事情 are planning some kind of little sex pact or whatever.
-你說什麼 -你聽到了 -What did you say? -You heard me.
你怎麼可能知道呢 How could you possibly know?
因為我是你媽 我懂你 Because I am your mother and I know you.
-我比你更懂你自己 -是的 -And I know you better than you know yourself. -Yes.
我還知道你準備去加州大學洛杉磯分校 And I also know that you're planning on going to UCLA
你在跟隨奧斯汀 and that you're following Austin.
是的 Yeah.
我知道所有事情 I... know... everything.
天哪 你什麼都不知道 Oh, my god, you know nothing.
你為什麼認為是我跟隨奧斯汀 Why do you even assume that it's me following Austin?
你不是在擔心我 老媽 Huh? You're not worried about me, Mom.
你在擔心你自己 You're worried about you.
你擔心你會失去我 You're afraid of losing me.
你擔心你會孤獨一人 You're afraid of being alone.
我不害怕孤身一人 I am not scared of being alone.
問題不在於我 This is not about me.
我在過去十八年裏沒有考慮過我自己 I have not thought about myself for the last 18 years.
是你 This is about you.
作為一個單親母親 我在阻止你做一些 And as a single mother, I am trying to stop you
毀你一輩子的決定 from making a life-ruining decision.
所以我是毀了你一輩子的決定 So I was a... A life-ruining decision?
不 不 當然 不 我不是這個意思 No. No, of cour... No, that is not what I meant.
-我不是這個意思 -你知道嗎 老媽 -No, that is not what I meant. -You know what, Mom?
我去加州大學洛杉磯分校不是為了什麼男生 好嘛 I'm not going to UCLA because of some boy, okay?
我去那是因為那裏是離你 I'm going to UCLA because it's the furthest
最遠的地方 I can get from you.
好吧 W-Well...
你好 Hello?
瑙魯在來的路上 Nanaru is on his way.
四十六分鐘 46 minutes.
嗯 她討厭我 Well, so she hates me.
她並不 She doesn't hate you.
凱拉在忽視我 Kayla's ignoring me.
她帶來了完全不一樣的氣氛 She's bringing it to a whole new level of spite.
是的 Yeah.
是另一種折磨才對 It's a... that's a new level of pain.
嗯 我懂 我懂 Yeah. I know, I know.
對我來說不一樣 因為我生了她 It's just different for me, because I gave birth to her,
我和她有一種聯繫 and I just feel very connected.
她曾經生活在我身體裏 She was living in my body.
-我把凱拉拉扯大 -是的 -Kayla grew in me. -Yeah.
我拉扯大的 是的她是 She grew in me. She-she did.
她從我的蛋蛋裏出生 我把她射給了瑪茜 She grew from my balls, and I shot her into Marcie.
對你我來說都一樣 This is the same for you and me.
不是這樣的 Not exactly.
我是說 你每天都有人關心 I mean, you have daily love in your life,
我要孤獨終老了 and I'm probably gonna die alone
死了也不會被發現 and won't be found for a really long time.
直到某天 有人和他的金毛獵犬 Until one day, someone will be walking by
走過我家 with their golden retriever,
狗會被嚇得魂飛魄散 and the dog is just gonna lose its shit,
然後他們會報警 and then they're gonna call the police,
然後他們進來會發現我倒在一旁 and then they're gonna come in and find me draped over the tub
野貓在吃我的頭髮 with my feral cats eating away at my hair.
貓會做這事 'Cause cats do that.
你他媽的怎麼了 The fuck is wrong with you?
那想法太黑暗了 That is some dark shit.
-你要孤獨終老 -不不不 -You're gonna die alone? -Oh, oh, oh, oh! My man!
-哥們 -你從哪裏得到這個想法的 -My man! -Where the hell did you get that idea?
-你知道嗎 -別這樣 -You know what? -Come on!
我一直給你打電話 I call you all the time.
你從來不回我的電話 You ever return my calls? No.
因為我們從來不是真正的朋友 你和我 Because we're not really friends, you and me.
我們不是朋友嗎 We're not friends?
我不是那個意思 我... 你... I don't mean it, uh, that... I-I... you...
你知道你是誰嗎 You know what you are?
你就像臉書上突然跳出的東西 You are like the thing that pops up on Facebook,
那是一個你祖母的漂亮照片 and then it's, like, this beautiful picture
但是她已經過世了 of your grandma who's dead.
你就像 "去你媽的 臉書 And you're like, "Fuck you, Facebook,
給我帶來傷痛" for reminding me of my loss."
這就是你為什麼一直在迴避我 That's why you're avoiding me?
因為我讓你想起你的傷痛 Because I remind you of loss?
是的 我不想成為甜蜜的回憶 朱莉 Yes. I don't want to be reminded of sweet, young Julie
我們的孩子 和那美好時光 and our kids and that beautiful time
-我們的生活已經結束了 -天哪 -in our lives is over. -Oh, God.
你們兩個他媽的怎麼了 Boo-fucking-hoo with you two.
你們完全忽視了我 You guys completely ignore me.
-一直 -是的 騙子 -Always. -Yeah, no shit, cheater.
騙子 這就是我的宿命嗎 Oh, cheater? That's my... that's my designation?
那就是我嗎 我是一個騙子 That's what I am? I'm the cheater?
操他媽的 Fuck that shit.
那件事發生的時候你們有把我叫來 Did you guys ever once call me when that went down
問過在我的角度下事請的真像嗎 and ask me my side of the story?
不 你們沒有 You didn't.
我可以告訴你們事實 I would have told you the truth.
我可以告訴你們布蘭達在那事發生的幾個月之前 I would have told you that Brenda had stopped
就已經不和我說話了 talking to me months before that happened.
你們知道她把我和她老闆牽上線 You know she hooked up with her boss
在威斯康辛的公司度假村 at a company retreat in Wisconsin?
你們知道她打了我 Do you know she beat me up?
她操他媽的打了我 She fucking beat me up
在一個他媽的燒烤店裏 at a Romano's fucking Macaroni Grill!
她在一群人面前扇了我一耳光 She fucking slapped me in front of the fucking maitre d'!
-我並不知道 -對不起 -I didn't know that. -I'm sorry, man.
我他媽的出醜 And I fucking embarrass myself,
我在我女兒面前出醜 and I embarrass myself in front of my daughter.
我以為，你知道 And I-I-I thought, you know,
我應該冷靜一下 I should pull back a little bit,
然後那個弗蘭克出現了 and then fucking Frank showed up,
他讓我更加冷靜下來 and he... I pulled back more,
我想 "有一天我會弄好的 and I thought, "One day I'm gonna fix it.
有一天我會都弄好的" One day I'm gonna fucking fix it."
然後我想 如果我能給她 And then I thought, if I gave her
比如一個美好的夜晚 something awesome, like a great night,
我可以和她破鏡重圓 I could get close with her again.
但是我不能 But I can't.
因為她已經走了 他們只是... 'Cause she's gone. They're just...
孩子們 The kids, they...
他們就走了 they just leave.
天哪 我知道我們如何找到他們 Oh, shit! I know how we can find them.
去凱西和羅恩的家 Go to Cathy and Ron's.
奧斯汀和他們發了一晚上短信 Austin's been texting them all night.
你聽到我剛剛說什麼了嗎 Did you hear anything I said just now?
-那是一個好好主意 -操 -That's a great idea. -Fuck it.
好主意就是要大聲說出來 It's just good to say it out loud.
-讓我們去發動汽車 -天 -Let's go flip that car. -Hell...
老天 Jesus Christ!
我的老天 Oh, my fucking God.
操 Shit.
我的車剛剛炸了 My car just exploded.
瑙魯還有二十六分鐘 Nanaru is 26 minutes away.
所以那很好 So that's good.
-我以為我取消了他的預約 -I thought I canceled him.
謝謝 瑙魯 Thanks, Nanaru.
所以奧斯汀的爸媽不會 So Austin's parents aren't gonna
直接告訴我們他們在哪 just tell us where they are.
所以我們需要羅恩的手機 So we need to get Ron's phone,
看短信找孩子 read the texts and find our kids.
好嗎 Okay?
亨特 這不會是你 Hunter, it's not gonna be you.
所以 米切爾 是你 So, Mitchell, it's you.
不 那是入室盜竊 No. That's breaking and entering.
這個想法讓我很不舒服 That is... I'm uncomfortable with that.
你是團隊的一員不是嗎 Are you a team player, or aren't you?
我是團隊的一員嗎 Am I a team player?
我剛喝了一大口水 I just chugged a 40 with my asshole.
我是團隊成員 I'm a team player.
那你就參與遊戲 Then get your head in the game.
這是第三輪的結尾 我們還有一輪 It's the bottom of the third, we are down by one,
沒有很多可以玩的了 and there is not a lot of game left.
還有很多可以玩 There is a lot of game left, though.
聽著 你還有一個通過 Listen. You have one pass left.
一個通過 One. One pass.
-是橄欖球嗎 -你沒有限制過的次數 -Is it rug... rugby? -You don't have a limit on passing.
這是澳大利亞橄欖球嗎 Is it Australian-rules football?
如果那是第三輪 我就有第四輪 And if it was the third, I would have the fourth...
你知道什麼 你知道正在發生什麼嗎 You know what? You know what's happening right now?
讓我告訴你在發生什麼 Let me tell you what's happening right now.
凱拉和康納快要上床了 Is Kayla and Connor are sliding into bed.
他在拿一個套套 He's grabbing a condom,
然後他轉過身來 and then he's flicking it to the side
臉上充滿了傻笑 with a smirk on his face.
傻笑 不是這樣的 That fucking smirk. No way.
我們需要一個防守 We need a Hail Mary pass.
你可以嗎 孩子 Are you up for that, son?
-是的 教練 -我不能聽到你說什麼 -Yes, Coach. -Well, I can't hear you.
-是的 教練 我可以 -我不能聽到你 -Yes, Coach. I'm in it. -I can't hear you!
我他媽的可以 我們走 I can fucking do this! Let's go!
好的 我們要安靜一些 Okay, we gotta... we gotta be quiet.
小心點 Careful.
好的 走 All right, go.
走 Go.
你... 看那 Did you...? Look at that.
快走開 Go out that way.
那是個人 是個人 There's a person. There's a person.
什麼 操 What? Fuck you.
老天 Jesus Christ.
我要來抓你 I'm gonna get you.
除非我先抓到你 Not if I get you first.
不 不 走開 No, no. Get away from here.
-我不玩了 -米切爾 來了 -去吧 -I'm fucking out. -Mitchell, in. -Get in.
小凱 -羅恩 別說話 Cath? -Ron, no talking.
拜託 我們已經約定好了 要根據彼此的 Come on, we had a deal. We have to find each other
麝香味來找到對方 by sensing each other's musks.
不能用我們的聲音哦 Can't use our voices.
這 凱蒂 凱蒂 Here, kitty, kitty.
我能聞到那個麝香 I can smell that musk.
-噢 太棒了 -Oh. Yeah.
-太棒了 太棒了 我喜歡這個聲音 -Yeah, yeah, I like the sound of that.
噢 Oh!
噢 嗨 Oh! Hey.
你想先摸 羅尼沒意見 You want to touch first, that works for Ronnie.
你想讓我去撫摸你嗎 You want me to touch you?
-你自己來 -你想讓我摸你嗎 -Help yourself. -You want me to touch you?
-是的 -我會狠狠的摸摸你 -Yes. -I'm gonna touch you hard.
-快來 快來 -用我的指甲觸碰你怎麼樣 寶貝 -Do it. Do it. -How about I touch you with my nails, baby?
-那就來吧 -噢 噢 爽 -Let's have it. -Oh, oh, yeah.
-噢 哇哦 -你的體毛真性感 寶貝 -Oh, wow. -Your hair is so sexy, babe.
你的力度簡直難以置信 Your grip is unbelievable.
我想讓你來撫摸我 I want you to touch me
喜歡的地方 where I like.
我的蛋蛋 你懂的 My balls, you know?
噢 你想讓我摸你的蛋蛋嗎 Oh, you'd like me to touch your balls.
絕不可能
去做
我做不到
你想讓我摸你的蛋蛋 是嗎 You want me to touch your balls, do you?
你厭惡同性戀
我不厭惡同性戀
是的 我想 -凱茜 你可真壞 Yes, I do. -How badly do you
我兄弟就是同性戀
想讓我拽一拽你的蛋蛋嗎 want me to tug at your balls?
並且他是我最好的朋友
哦 是嗎
我想讓你把他們從我的身上拽下來 I want you to rip them off my body.
因為我的離婚律師是同性戀嗎
並且他是我最好的朋友
-那就是我想要的 -嗯 我不是很相信你 -That's what I want. -Mm, I don't really believe you.
並且他和他的搭檔
我不是很相信你真的特別想要 I don't believe you want it bad enough.
(語無倫次中)
我很想 快拽 快點 I want it bad. Do it. Come on.
我們就像這樣
-是嗎 有多想 -我真的特別想 -Really? How bad? -I want it so bad that my balls
好吧 像這樣
那是我
-我的蛋蛋要炸了 -噢 他們要炸成 -are going to explode. -Ooh, are they gonna explode
然後那是那兩個人
數以萬計的小碎片嗎 into a million little pieces?
我不會做的
快做啊
那麼 讓我告訴你點事情 親愛的 Well, let me tell you something, darling.
快做啊啊啊
今天是你的幸運日 It is your lucky day.
為了.
因為這是給你的聖誕禮物 Because it's Christmas for you.
你的.
閨女
-來吧 -Let's go.
快點 快點 拽它 Come on. Come on, do it.
-拽了嗎 -什麼 感覺不夠狠是嗎 -You there? -What, this isn't hard enough?
快點 抓它 -再使勁點嗎 Let's go. Come on. -Harder?
對的 快點快點 Come on, do it, do it.
-我在等著呢 -好的遵命 -I'm waiting. -Okeydokey.
噢 耶 你喜歡嗎 Oh, yeah, you like that?
哎我去去去去去！！！
嗨 哥們 我不會評論別人的性生活 Hey, man, I don't judge people's sex shit.
那個真的太荒誕和愚蠢了 That was ridiculous and stupid.
為團隊必須要做出點犧牲 夥計們 Way to take one for the team, guys.
等下 等下 等下 找到了 Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here it is.
"警察到了湖邊小屋 "The police came to the lake house.
差點丟掉了我的花但是並沒有奏效" Almost lost my flower but didn't quite work out."
-花 -花 -這是他說的 他是個男孩啊 -Flower? -Flower? -He said that? He's a boy.
這-嗯-啊 嗯-啊-啊 Hub-uh-uh, hub-uh-uh...
"去西園酒店 "Heading to the Park West Hotel.
-我們有個豪華套房" -套房 -We've got the Grand Lux Suite." -Suite?
"看起來小男孩要成為男人了" "Looks like the little boy is becoming a man."
真是個呆子 Fucking dork.
好吧 這是10分鐘之前的 Okay, so that was ten minutes ago.
所以他們還沒上床 So they haven't had sex yet.
我們能抓住他們 We can still catch 'em.
好的 行動吧 Okay, let's do this.
嗨 Hey.
-嗨 -嗨 -Hey. -Hey.
她怎麼了 她沒事吧 How's she doing? Is she okay?
不 她不是很開心 她很沮喪 No, she's not doing okay. She's bummed.
她甚至並不喜歡親吻 但我喜歡 She doesn't even want to kiss. And I love kissing.
把你的房間鑰匙給我 Give me your room key.
-什麼 為什麼 -對 -What? Why? -Yeah.
把你房間鑰匙給我 15分鐘左右 Give me your room key, and then bring her up
你再把她帶上去 in like 15 minutes.
-好的 -太好了 -Okay. -Yes.
謝謝 真夠意思 Thanks. You're the man.
感謝這杯酒 Thank you for this.
我們在這怎樣才能找到他們呢 How we supposed to find them in this place?
這大概有20個房間 It's got like 20 rooms.
對不起 你這是 I'm sorry, what the fuck
在說啥 are you talking about?
20 大概有200吧 20? It's got like 200.
怎麼可能20 What? 20?
豪華套房在最頂層 Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor.
快走 走 走 走 Go, go, go, go.
行動 快點 莉薩 Move. Hurry, Lisa!
我在這做什麼呢 What am I doing here?
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
我的天 我最喜歡的 Oh, my God, my favorite.
真貼心 That's so sweet.
天哪 Oh, my God.
這簡直在做夢 This is a dream.
簡直完美 It's, like, perfect.
這 太美好了 That is... It's so nice.
你太貼心了 You're so sweet.
事實上這不是我做的 It actually wasn't me.
是凱拉 It was Kayla.
她想讓你有個完美的夜晚 She wanted you to have the perfect night.
這就是這裏看起來很美好的原因 That's why it looks so good.
好吧 為什麼你看起來那麼帥呢 Well, why do you look so good?
你個小傻瓜 You're such a dork.
我 我知道 I-I know.
-我的天 -Oh, my God.
我還可以再溫柔點 Not as smooth as I could.
讓我脫下鞋 Let me get my shoes.
凱拉 Kayla?
都別動 凱拉在哪 Nobody move. Where's Kayla?
凱拉 凱拉 Kayla? Kayla?
把那個丟走 Get that out of here.
現在 這個怎麼解 這是 Now, how's this work? Is this...?
-不 別管它了 -好 沒問題 -No, just leave it. -Okay, cool.
-這很難解 -嗯 -嗯 -It's difficult. -Mm-hmm.
玩兒點別的 Play sports.
就是那樣了 And that's that.
所以 你 啊 確定要做嗎 So, you, uh, sure you want to do this?
是啊 Yeah.
好 真好 Yes. Fuck yeah.
你要 你要插進我的身體 You're gonna... you're gonna penis me.
-是的 -首先 我要 -Yep. -First, I'm gonna...
我要摸一摸它 I'm just gonna touch it.
-你想摸它 好啊 你可以摸它 -好啊 -You want to touch it? Yeah, you can touch it. -Yeah.
-可以 可以的 摸它吧 來吧 -好的 就像 -Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah. -Okay, just, like...
噢 哇哦 Oh! Wow!
嗯 那簡直 是我這輩子 Okay. That is, like, the greatest feeling
最好的感覺 I've ever had in my entire life.
真的嗎 Really?
不就跟朋友的一雙很乾燥的手一樣嗎 It doesn't just feel like a super dry hand of a friend?
不 沒有 No. Nope.
好吧 所以 Okay, so...
你想嘛 嗯 do you want to, um...
放進去 put it in?
不 No.
好吧 Okay.
-我不能 對不起 -你知道嗎 -I can't. I'm sorry. -You know what?
聽著 我們不 Look, we don't ha...
我的天 我的天啊 Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
-我的媽啊 -在那裏 全都是 -Holy shit! -Right there. Look at all of it.
噢 我的神啊 我得過去躺著 Oh, my gosh! I gotta get over.
-好吧 對不起 我很抱歉 -Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -
對不起 對不起 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
真的對不起 我很抱歉 對不起 我就 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just...
-沒事的 -我當時在想著做愛 和你 -It's okay. -I was thinking about it and you,
然後就 對不起 and then it just... I'm sorry.
我的天 My God.
你真令我吃驚 You're amazing.
我知道我們還是處子之身 I know we're still virgins,
但是 我有不同的感覺 你知道吧 but I feel different, you know?
是啊 Yeah.
我懂 I know.
你準備好 做了嗎 You ready to, uh, do this?
等下 Wait.
等下 嗯 Wait. Um...
啊 不好 Ah, shit.
該死 Shit.
可能朱莉是對的 Maybe Julie was right.
就像 或許我們破處 Like, maybe losing your virginity
不需要太完美 但是 doesn't have to be perfect, but...
我感覺 這個應該 I feel like it should just be, like,
比現在要更特別一些 你懂吧 a little bit more special than this, you know?
-是啊 -就 別太俗氣 但是 -Yeah. -Like, not cheesy, but...
比如我現在在困境當中 Like, if I was hard-pressed right now,
我感覺我都記不得你姓什麼 I don't think I could remember your last name.
-叫奧德利奇 -奧德利奇 -It's Aldrich. -Aldrich.
我以為叫奧斯利奇 I thought it was Ostrich.
我 我都沒發現你還是個處女 I-I didn't realize that you're a virgin.
-你知道嗎 -是啊 -You know? -Yeah.
嗯 但是 我依然可以和你做 Um, but, like, I'd still be down to do it,
但是 或許 你知道的 but maybe, like, you know,
當我們更瞭解對方的時候 when we get to know each other a little more.
禮拜一或者以後怎麼樣 Like, maybe Monday or something?
-好的 -並不是要很怪異的去定時間 但是 就像 -Yeah. -Not to, like, plan it and be weird, but, like...
不 不 我可以看一下我的日程 No, no, I can look at my schedule
-是否有時間 -好吧 -and see if it's... -Okay.
安排一下 記下來 Pencil it in.
啊 好啊 沒問題 Um, yeah, that's cool.
-好的 好的 -啊 讓我們放鬆一下 -Okay, cool. -Um, let's just relax.
我們可以做一些事 比如寫個簡單的小日記什麼的 We could do, like, some light journaling or something.
是啊 可以 我們可以 我們可以做啊 Yeah, yeah, we could... we could do that.
或者 我們可以做一些 比如 其他的事情 Or we could do, like, other stuff.
是嗎 比如什麼 Yeah? Like what?
比如 Like...
不是做愛 但是 not sex, but...
我依舊想要點愉悅 I'm still down for pleasure.
你可以的 You got this.
嗨 兄弟們 怎麼了 Hey, guys. What's up?
有人看見薩姆嗎 有人看到薩姆了嗎 Anyone seen Sam? Anyone seen Sam?
查德 Chad!
該死 Fuck.
讓開 Get out of the way.
老天 Jesus!
怎麼回事 What the f...?
又是你 You again?
-你 -怎麼回事 -You! -What the fuck?
你對我有什麼意見 老兄 What's your beef with me, dude?
我不知道你到底是誰 I don't know who the fuck you are!
我叫混帳的傑克·多納休 I'm Jake motherfucking Donahue.
你叫什麼關我屁事 That name means nothing to me.
你知道在所有 Do you know what it's like to be humiliated
你認識的人面前受辱 in front of everyone you know
並且必須努力挽回是什麼滋味嗎 and have to seek redemption for that?
事實上 我懂 Actually, yes, I do.
凱拉 凱拉 Kayla? Kayla?
凱拉 從我女兒旁滾開 Kayla? Get the hell away
你個小雜種 from my daughter, you little piece of shit!
老爸 -Dad, what the...?
天哪 Oh, my God!
你還好嗎 他有沒有傷害你 You okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?
什麼 不 他沒有 What? No, he didn't hurt me.
我去 康納 Holy shit! Connor.
-噢 -我天 你還好嗎 -Ow. -Oh, my God, are you okay?
我好得很 I'm actually totally fine.
康納 我很抱歉 Connor, I'm so sorry.
-你沒事吧 -嗯 借過 -Are you okay, though? -Yeah, please...
你確定 Are you sure?
老爸 你… 你在這兒幹嘛 Dad, what the... what are you doing here?
我跟了你整晚 I've been following you around all night.
你認真的嗎 我的天 Are you serious? Oh, my God.
你一直跟著我 You've been following me?
-你瘋了嗎 -你讓我沒得選 -Are you crazy? -You gave me no choice.
你跟這小屁孩廝混在一起 You're in over your head with this kid.
我不是一個 I am not some pathetic
需要被拯救的可憐的未婚媽媽 damsel in distress that needs saving.
-我能為自己負責 -不 你不能 -I can handle myself. -No, you can't.
-我可以 -你不可以 -Yes, I can. -No, you can't.
-我可以 -凱拉 你不可以 -Yes, I can. -Kayla, you can't.
這也是為什麼我在這裏 And that's why I'm here.
這是我的職責 It's my job.
噢 Oh.
好吧 所以你只是不認為 Yeah, so you just don't think
我有為自己做決定和負責的能力 I can make my own decisions and handle myself.
簡直糟糕透頂 That really fucking sucks.
凱拉 Kayla...
凱拉 我只是想弄清楚這件事 Kayla, I'm just trying to figure this thing out.
天 為什麼性是不好的事 God. Why is sex even bad?
我不知道 我不知道 I-I don't know. I don't know. It's...
只是… 你知道的… It's not... You know, it's...
我不知道 I don't know.
我… I'm...
我只是想盡我所能當個好爸爸 I'm just trying to be the best dad I can be.
你是個好爸爸 Well, you are.
你教會了我所有事 You taught me everything.
你撫養我長大 You built me up.
教我堅強 Made me strong.
你讓我成為了現在的我 You made me into who I am.
就像是… Like, that's...
你今晚沒必要來救我的 老爸 You did not have to save me tonight, Dad.
很早你就教了我這些事了 You taught me how to do that a long time ago.
我愛你 And I love you for it.
最好的教練 Best coach ever.
謝謝 謝謝 Thank you. Thank you.
-噢 老爸 拜託 -Oh, Dad, come on.
拜託 堅強點 Come on, toughen up.
你剛剛說得太好了 It was just really nice what you said.
很好 很好 It's good. It's good.
我說真的 I mean it.
謝謝 我感覺就像… Thanks. I feel like...
就像菲爾·傑克遜在執教公牛隊 like Phil Jackson when he was coaching the Bulls,
他們太棒了 and... and then the... and they were so good.
-那就是我現在的感覺 -嗯 -That's how I feel right now. -Yeah.
我得先脫掉我的襪子 I should have taken my socks off first.
現在 我告訴你啊 我已經練習過幾次了 Now, I'm just warning you, I've practiced a few times,
-但是這個不太一樣啊 -這看起來不太對 -but this might not go that well. -That doesn't look right.
-呃 好吧 -我覺得你需要再一個套套 -Yeah, all right. -I think you need another one.
-我也認為我們需要再拿一個 -等一下等一下 -I think we need another one, too. -Wait, wait.
我們得把舞跳了 We have to do our dance.
-我們必須 就像 嗯 -什麼 現在嗎 -We have to. Like, yeah, yeah. -What, now?
-裸著嗎 -不 幫我拿一件 -Naked? -No, get me one of those, um...
酒店的浴衣 我想感覺好一點 the hotel robes. I want to feel fabulous.
好吧 Okay.
來吧 夫人 Coming right up, milady.
我們要在房間的每個角落都來一遍 We're gonna christen every corner of this room.
完事後 給我爸媽打個視訊 And when we're done, let's FaceTime my parents.
好的 但是現在 Okay, but right now,
我要你看著我的眼睛 I want you to stare into my eyes.
什麼 嗯嗯 What? -Mm-hmm.
我只是想要一次真正的交流 I just want, like, a real connection.
所以你想要我在接下來的三分三十七秒裏 So you just want me to look straight into your eyes
都看著你的眼睛嗎 for the next three minutes and 37 seconds?
嗯嗯 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
看著我 Look at me.
-老爸 -他在哪兒 -Dad? -Where is he?
-你在這裏幹嘛 -乍得 -What are you doing here? -Chad?
查德 狗娘養的 Hey, Chad, you motherfucker.
我的天吶 你在逗我嗎 Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
他有沒有讓你做一些你不想做的事 Did he make you do something you don't want to do?
我不在乎他是不是 'Cause I don't care if he's
學校裏最酷的小屁孩 the fucking coolest kid in school.
我要讓他的屁股開花 I'm gonna shove his fedora
就像一頂帽子那樣 so far up his ass, it'll be a hat.
不 爸爸 我們什麼都沒做 No, Dad, we didn't do it.
好吧 即使我們做了什麼 All right? And even if we did,
那也跟你沒關係 it would be none of your business.
我只是在擔心你 It's just, I was worried about you.
噢 那倒是生平頭一次 Well, that's a first.
我應該的 I deserve that.
薩姆 我要告訴你一些事 Sam, I gotta tell you something,
我現在就要說 and I'm just gonna say it.
薩姆 在過去幾年間我意識到 Sam, I have realized over the last few years...
我犯了我人生中的一個大錯誤 ...that I have made a big mistake in my life.
什麼錯誤 比如欺騙我媽嗎 What, like cheating on my mom?
不是 跟你媽媽結婚 Well, no. Marrying your mom.
不是一個錯誤 But no, that... that wasn't a mistake,
因為如果沒有那場婚姻就沒有你 because then I wouldn't have had you.
我曾經犯過很多錯誤 但是我做的最錯的事 I've made lots of mistakes, but the biggest mistake...
是我讓我和你母親之間的事 is that I let what happened between your mom and I
影響了我們之間的關係 get in the way of our relationship.
對不起 I'm sorry.
我希望我們能重新來過 And I hope that we can start over and...
重建我們的關係 build up our relationship again because...
因為你是我唯一的孩子 you're my only kid.
我也是你唯一的爸爸 And I'm your only dad.
好吧 弗蘭克他… Well, Frank is...
去他嗎的弗蘭克 Fuck Frank.
弗蘭克挺好的 Frank's fine.
爸爸 我能告訴你一件事嗎 Dad, can I tell you something now?
能 Yes.
能 當然能 任何事 Yes, yes, yes, anything.
我是同性戀 I'm a lesbian.
給我你的手 Give me your hand.
你媽媽怎麼看 What does your mom think?
她不知道 She doesn't know.
你在告訴你媽之前告訴了我 You told me before you told your mom?
-是的 -這麼大的事 -Yeah. -That's big news.
她不知道 She doesn't know?
-你沒告訴弗蘭克嗎 -還沒 -You didn't tell Frank? -No.
好了 打住 Okay. Over.
不哭了 Crying is over.
你的那些女性朋友知道嗎 What do your girlfriends think?
不知道 我太緊張了 我不能告訴她們 No, I'm too nervous. I can't tell them.
你不敢告訴凱拉和朱莉嗎 You're nervous to tell Kayla and Julie?
我只是… 我不想失去我最好的兩個朋友 It's just... I don't want to lose my two best friends.
這是你必須要告訴關心你的人的事情 This is the stuff you tell the people you care about.
你認為她們不會再挺你就因為你是同性戀嗎 You think they're not gonna support you because you're gay?
如果你是吸血鬼 她們依舊會挺你 They would support you if you were a vampire.
她們會更支持你 They would support you more.
-和那些暮光之城的故事一樣 -With all the Twilight shit.
-我們還喜歡暮光之城嗎 -當然不 -Do we still like Twilight? -Definitely not.
不 No, no.
天 Oh, God.
謝謝你的出現 Thanks for showing up.
真的 Really.
但你可能得離開了 But you should probably leave
因為首先你來這裏 because it's insane that you even came here
太不合規矩了 in the first place.
我想和你照張相 I'd love to get a picture with you.
好啊 Yeah.
太棒了 好吧 Great. Okay.
我要站在這上面 Just gonna stand on this.
你知道… 你知道怎麼做 來吧 Yeah, you know... you know the drill. Come on.
來吧來吧 Come on. Here we go.
轉向這邊 Gotta turn it around here.
老爸 你根本沒照 Dad, you're not taking it.
我只是 It's...
什麼 What?
我會記住這一刻 I'll remember this.
來吧 抱一個 Come on.
我的天 Oh, my God.
咋啦 哥們兒 What's up, dawg?
我只是… So, I just, uh...
我能成為薩姆的爸爸 parented the shit out of Sam.
我感覺 And I feel, uh...
噢 上帝 就像 呃… oh, God, like, uh...
我引以為豪 pride, I think.
-那就對了 -這種感覺很新鮮 -That's it. -It's new.
為你高興 朋友 Good for you, man.
謝謝 Thanks.
做得好 我的朋友 Well done, my friend.
-謝謝 -做得好 -Thank you. -Well done.
你跟凱拉怎麼樣 How'd it go with Kayla?
把康納打得嵌進牆裏了 Put Connor through a wall.
你認真的 Are you serious?
他還行 Yeah. He's okay.
他比我想像的還要輕些 Yeah, he's lighter than I thought.
嗨 Hey.
嗨 Hi.
所以 朱莉她 嗯… So, Julie's, um...
朱莉正在做愛 Julie's having sex right now.
-好吧 請坐 -喔哦 -Okay. And sit down. -Wow.
是啊 Yeah.
但挺好的 挺好的 不是嗎 But it's good. It's fine, right?
我的意思是 你最終不得不放手 I mean, you have to do that eventually.
對吧 Right?
-你還好嗎 -當然 -Are you good? -Yeah.
他們看起來真的很喜歡對方 挺好的 They seem like they really like each other, and that's nice.
這是好事 但是就是有點嚇人 你懂的 That's a good thing, but it's just a little, you know, scary,
因為如果他不知道怎麼做怎麼辦對吧 because what if he doesn't know how to do it right?
你懂的 比如 如果他不知道從哪進去怎麼辦 You know, like, what if he doesn't know where to put it?
但他知道 好吧 我是不是該再上去 But he knows, right? Should I go back up there?
-不 不 不 不 不 -不 不 他會弄明白的 -No. No, no, no, no. -No, no, he'll figure it out.
-不 不 -兩個洞的其中一個罷了 -No, no. -It's one or the other.
不 你待在這 Nope. You stay right here.
你現在想喝一杯嗎 Do you want to have a drink right now?
你的意思是 類似消遣的 You mean, like, hang out?
對 Yeah.
可以呀 Yes, I do.
我當然加入啦 I'm in. I'm definitely in.
請給我們來些小杯烈酒 Um, we will be having some shots of alcohol, please.
沒錯 我們要些烈酒 Yes, we will.
太瘋狂了 This is crazy.
-這個是... -好吧 我要去 恩... -This is... -Well, I'm going to, uh...
你們好好玩 我要... let you guys have your fun, and I will, uh...
一會見了 I-I will see you guys around.
嘿 Hey!
你也來啊 You, too.
對 Yeah.
對呀 Right.
靠 對呀 Fuck yeah.
也給他一杯 Just get him a shot.
乾杯 Cheers.
同志們 如此一個夜晚啊 What a night, guys.
說得好 That's beautiful.
我可不覺得那些湖邊別墅的孩子們 So, I don't think the kid at the lake house
真的會玩酒精灌腸 was actually butt-chugging.
-絕對的 -對 Definitely. -Yeah.
-什麼 -對 -對 -What? -Yep. -Yeah.
所以他把我扔到了桌子的另一邊... And so he threw me through a table, uh...
對不起 -不要緊 挺酷的 I'm so sorry. -No, it was cool.
我... 我覺得挺好的 I, like... I kind of feel fine.
-好吧 再見 -挺酷的 -再見 -All right, see you. -It's cool. -See you.
嘿 夥計們 Hey, guys.
奧斯汀 我們去喝一杯吧 Austin, uh, let's go get a drink, man.
好 當然 Yeah, sure.
要炸薯條嗎 Want a fry?
超想 So badly.
我也可以來點嗎 Can I have a fry, too?
-可以呀 -可以 -Yeah. -Yes.
所以... So...
我... 我做不到 I... I couldn't go through with it.
對 我也不行 不 Yes, I didn't. No.
靠 Holy shit.
你是女孩中的女人了 You're a woman amongst girls.
-朱莉 -對啊 -真他媽恭喜你啊 -Julie. -Yeah. -Congratu-fuck-ulations.
-謝謝你 謝謝你 -感覺如何 -Thank you. Thank you. -How was it?
講真 有點疼 Honestly, it was a little painful,
太快了 有點尷尬 kind of fast and kind of awkward,
但是非常完美 but absolutely perfect.
哇 Aw!
夥計們 太多... You guys, so much...
今晚發生太多事了 so much went down tonight.
我懂 I know.
包括康納 Including Connor.
-不 -這麼說吧... -No. -Let's just say...
這位主廚品嚐了... The Chef went out to eat...
我的小妹妹 my pussy.
挺爽的 It was good.
-DJ 查德 -那是查德嗎 -DJ Chad. -Is that Chad?
-是查德 查德 -是查德 -That's Chad. Chad! -That's Chad.
-是的 查德 -Yes, Chad!
臥槽 是的 查德 Holy shit. Fuck yeah, Chad!
夥計們 我要告訴你們些事 Guys, I got to tell you something.
好的 好的 Okay, okay.
真的嗎 Really?
-真的 -等下 你是嗎 -Yeah. -Wait, you are?
對 Yeah.
我愛你 I love you.
永遠 Forever.
也愛你 And you, too.
我的天哪 Oh, my God!
-我愛你 等下 -薩姆 你到這來 -I love you. Hold on. -Sam, come here, you.
不好意思 Excuse me.
我不敢相信你沒告訴我們 I can't believe you didn't tell us.
對啊 Yay!
-嘿 -嘿 -Oh, hey. -Hey.
-嘿 -嗨 -Hey. -Hi.
噢 Oh.
-朱莉 我覺得我們這有個東西 Uh, Julie, I think we got something over here.
披肩真酷 Dope cape.
我沒有... And I'm not...
誤解一些事 misreading things.
所以等到了洛杉磯 你會每天給我打電話的 對吧 So you'll call me every day till you get to L.A., right?
對 每一天都會 Yeah, and then, like, every day after that.
好的 Okay.
我會想你的 I'm gonna miss you so much.
但你會沒事的 You're gonna be okay, though.
你會有事嗎 Are you gonna be okay?
不會的 我沒事 Yeah, I'm fine.
這是最奇怪的事 因為... It's the weirdest thing because...
十八年來 我一直在擔心這一天 I have been worried about this day for 18 years,
接著今早醒來... and then I wake up this morning, and...
什麼都沒發生 nothing.
我沒感到任何激動 Like, I don't feel emotional at all.
我只是感覺... I just feel, like...
-匪夷所思 -恩 -It's so bizarre. -Mm-hmm.
那是啥啊 What is that?
像潑了一身水似的 It's, like, splashing on me.
我知道 是不是很奇怪 I know. Isn't that so strange?
對 Yeah.
我愛你 媽媽 I love you, Mom.
我愛你 I love you.
不 我有錢 我... No, I have money. I...
麗薩 告訴他我可以支付得起 Lisa, tell him I can afford br...
恩 對不起 對不起 Hmm. Sorry. Sorry.
好吧 別這樣 All right, come on.
快開啟這個旅程吧 Let's get this road trip started!
我們正等你呢 -我愛你 We're waiting for you! -I love you.
-拜 -好的 -Bye. -Okay.
等下 讓我錄個視頻 Oh, hold on. Let me take a video.
-我愛你 -我愛你 -I love you. -I love you.
拜 媽媽 Bye, Mom.
我愛你 -好的 拜 I love you. -Okay, bye.
-麼麼 -再見 -Mwah! -See you.
讓朱莉在加州下車 然後你和凱拉 Drop Julie off in Cali, and then you and Kayla
-馬上回來 -那可真是個沒準的事 -come right back home. -That's a, a big maybe.
-記得發短信 求你了 -嘿 -And text, please. Please. -Hey.
你倆好好照顧我媽媽 好嗎 Take care of my mom, you two, okay?
我們會的 好的 -以後見了 大塊頭 We will. All right. -Later, big guy.
-拜 爸爸 -我要去上大學啦 -拜 -Bye, Dad. -I'm going to college! -Bye!
小心開車 年輕人 那可是珍貴的貨物 Drive careful, young man. That's precious cargo.
-愛你 -Love you!
-哇 -別這樣 -Aw. -Come on.
-大伙們 -別這樣 -我們做到了 -Guys. -Come on. -We did it.
我們做到了 我們做到了 We did it. We did it.
-我們已盡責養育 -We parented.
-我們做到了 -我們做到了 -We did it. -We did it.
噢 是朱莉 -Oh, it's Julie.
我肯定是不小心加了這個... Oh, I must have been accidentally added to the...
這個群聊天 the group conversation.
-好吧 應該走了 -什麼... -Oh, well, should probably leave. -What's, uh...
"簡直無法相信 我們現在獨立了" "Can't-can't believe we're on our own now."
-哇 太暖心了 －對 -Aw, that's sweet. -Yeah.
"我們要特麼嗨爆" "We're gonna get lit af."
"特麼嗨爆" "Lit A.F."
-那可不太好 -That's not great.
不 那個是 他們要上文學課 非洲文學 No, it's... they're gonna get literature. African literature.
你覺得那是」特麼嗨爆」的意思嗎 You think that's what "Lit A.F." Means?
你覺得他們在討論... You think they're talking to each other about, like...
-"特麼嗨爆" -"主廚能否給我們搞點..." -"Lit A.F." -"Can The Chef get us..."
樹 樹是什麼鬼 Trees? What the hell's trees?
樹就是大麻 我告訴過你 Trees mean weed. I told you that.
-蘑菇 藥片 -不 藥片是指... -Mushrooms, pills. -No, the pills are...
凱拉會過敏 那是克敏能 Kayla's allergy. That's Claritin.
那不是克敏能 看啊 It's not Claritin. Look.
雪花 那是吹 Snowflakes. That's blow.
"無父母無原則 "#NoParentsNoRules.
瘋藥 無套" # MadDrugs. # NoCondoms."
為什麼他們要主題標籤那些 Why would they hashtag that?
等下 對不起 那是針頭和茄子嗎 Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a needle and an eggplant?
什麼 難道他們要把海洛因注射到某個屌裏嗎 What, are they gonna inject heroin into some guy's dick?
-走吧 -上車吧 -Let's go. -Let's get in the car.
-我來開 -我坐在你後面 -I'll drive. -I'm sitting behind you.
-等下 等下 等下 等下 等下 -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
我們跟你鬧著玩呢 We're just messing with you.
哈哈 Ha ha!
"我們愛你們 別擔心了" "We love you guys. Don't worry."
你們太能惡搞啦 我也參與了其中 You guys were so pranked! I was in on it.
-你不知道 -不 不 我知道 我不知道 -You didn't know. -No, no, I did. I didn't know it was
這麼快就來了 所以為什麼我挺會賣弄 coming right now. That's why I kind of sold it so well.
不要緊了 But it doesn't matter.
但你們剛就像 "臥槽」 But you guys were like, "Holy shit!"
-對 - -Yeah. -Whew.
該死的 米切爾 Damn it, Mitchell.
馬爾克 Marco.
波羅 Polo.
我... I...
米切爾 你跑去吃零食了嗎 Mitchell, are you getting a snack?
我太開心我們能做這種事了 I'm so glad we can do stuff like this
現在凱拉上大學了 now that Kayla's in college.
我不知道你在哪 I have no idea where you are.
等我找到你 我要對你做很多事 I'm gonna do so much stuff to you when I find you.
-噢 噢 -馬爾克 -Oh, oh. -Marco.
-波羅 -啊 啊 -Polo. -Ah, ah.
-波羅 -Polo!
我不能相信你 竟然要這麼久 I can't believe you! It took forever!
我在樓梯上花了好久 I spent so much time on the stairs.
-我們正在做 -我們徹底地在做 -We're doing this. -We're, like, totally doing it.
-我知道 很性感 -我們瘋起來吧 -I know. It's hot. -Let's just get crazy.
-我不知道 -I don't know.
我想要你抓著我的蛋 I want you to grab my balls,
像羅恩喜歡的一樣 要...很強硬地 like Ron likes it, like, uh... like, hard.