(birds chirping)
- As you know this is a summer camp,
a run-down summer camp.
Now the function of summer camps is to give young people
the opportunity to experience outdoor living.
The main function of this summer camp is to make money.
Now if you took a good look around you will observe
that there are no young people here.
The Camp Malibu is in trouble.
- You mean they're gonna close down the camp?
- No no no no, not unless I have to.
But I have a plan, and I need everybody's help.
I have here a list of influential past alumni,
I'm gonna invite these kids up here
for a weekend reunion, at our expense.
- That's your plan?
I don't get it.
- I do and I think it sucks.
- It's very simple Dr. Fox.
While they're here, we give 'em a big sob story
about the condition of the camp,
you know, really lay it on.
Tell 'em without their help the camp will fold.
We really need their family's financial sup--
- I don't think the kids are gonna fall for it.
- Sure they will because that's part of the plan,
we make it fun, competitive, women's lib,
boys against the girls, whoever does
the best job will win a prize.
- What kind of prizes?
- Ah, a certificate of achievement.
- Be careful, that's liable to break you.
- Let me congratulate you on your brilliant,
but larcenous plan, Herman.
- Thank you doctor.
Now everybody, let's get to work and save Camp Malibu!
- [All] Yah, yeah, yeah...
(lively music)
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ Where the days are short and the nights are fast
♫ Memories dance of sweet romance
♫ And the very first taste of love
♫ Everybody come to have a good time
♫ Everybody come to have a ball
♫ All the things we love and all the truths we find
♫ Hardly ever raised a (mumbles)
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ You know a child came in and a young man left
♫ Fantasies dance, of sweet romance
♫ And the bittersweet taste of love
♫ Everybody come to have a good time
♫ Everybody come to have a ball
♫ And the things we love and all the truths we find
♫ Hardly ever mattered at all
- Geronimo!
(grunting)
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ Summer Camp, oh, oh
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ Summer Camp, oh, oh
♫ Summer Camp
(chattering)
- Sandy! - Gail!
- Hey hey yeah.
(grunting) (tires screeching)
(engine revving)
(car horn beeping)
(girl screaming)
- (mumbles) kill me! - Jeez!
(lively music)
- Welcome kind sir to the Beverly Hills Hotel!
- Thank you kind sir!
Now could you direct me to the nearest (mumbles).
- Place looks like a refugee camp.
- Speaking of refugees, look at those two.
- Jenny Thong?
- Yeah, you're in cabin number two.
- Thanks.
- You're Horse, right? - Gable, Clark.
- Uh, well, four.
- Jerry Walker. - Okay, cabin number two.
(lively music)
- [Girl] I'll call you when I need you.
- Don't I even get a kiss?
- Yeah I guess so.
- There you are you little tramp.
Will you get your ass in the kitchen,
I have a lot of cooking to do.
- You call it cooking, I call it revolting.
- Would you get up, and into that kitchen
before I flatten you like a pancake?
- Ah yes, one of your specialties, Frisbees.
- Come on!
- Hi, I'm the camp doctor.
- Thank you. - Cindi Curtis.
- [Counselor] Oh, welcome back Cindi.
- Hi, good to see you again!
- Hi! - Welcome back to Camp Malibu!
(chuckling) - Hi!
Oh, all right. - Hey Herman, Herman, Herman!
There's a strange character over there,
I've never seen him before.
I don't know what he wants.
- You take care of this honey.
- [Honey] Well hello!
- All right, hello there, I'm Herman Samuels,
can I help you with anything?
- Uh no, no thank you.
- All right then just what the hell are you doing?
- Oh me, looking, just looking.
- Looking, looking for what?
- Oh, you know, gold, silver, molybdenum,
possibly even oil.
- You mean here?
- Uh-huh, maybe, maybe not.
One never knows.
- Just who or what are you?
- Oh me, I am a geologist.
- Well, look here Mr. Geologist,
this is my property, so if you should find anything
you let me know, I'll even give you 10%.
- Make it 40. - Twen, 20.
- 60. - 50.
- Thank you.
- [Man] Hi it's good to see you again.
- Steve, same here. - Matt, yeah, yeah.
Hi, it's Horse, right?
- Uh, Haley, Haley Mills.
- You're Jerry, right?
What you got there? - Nothing.
- Doesn't look like nothing to me.
- Cool it, nobody knows and that's the way
I want to keep it.
Partners?
- Partners.
- Uh-oh the head honchos!
- [Boys] Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump...
- [Horse] Buda-da-da!
- I'll keep him away don't worry about it.
(Horse whistling)
- Hello Mr. Samuels! - Fucking Horse.
- [Horse] Tidal wave.
- Call me Herman, Matt!
Glad you decided to come up.
We hope that joining our team here's in your future plans.
- Uh, speaking of my future plans, I--
- Aren't you in school?
- Yeah, I'm registered and enrolled and everything,
I'm just not really sure what I'm gonna do about...
- [Herman] About what?
- [Matt] Well I've never really been able
to talk about this.
I don't know why, I know it sounds silly,
but for some reason Herman, I feel I can talk to you.
- [Herman] Well I'm glad you feel that way Matt.
- Well the fact is, I just really don't know
what to do with my life, I mean,
the path seems so well laid out.
College, law school, job waiting, family,
marriage, senility.
- [Herman] What do you really want?
- Well that's just it, I don't know.
I mean I could get a job, I could travel,
I could bum around Europe, the United States.
Hell I could even join the Navy or the Army.
I just don't know.
- Well, you seem like a bright young man,
I'm sure that whatever you decide will be the right thing.
- Thanks a lot.
(pleasant music)
- I just can't get over how much she's changed.
- Kim, yeah, she's changed all right.
And I have a feeling it means trouble.
- I'd give anything to look like that.
- All right girls!
I just want to explain a few things to you.
First, as some of you are still underage,
and I am still responsible for you,
there will be no boys, or men, in this cabin, understood?
(groaning) - Oh wow.
- Second, you will be in your beds, alone, by lights-out.
(chuckling) - Does that mean we can't
even fool around with each other?
- And last, you will keep this cabin neat.
There is no maid here, and this especially means
the bathroom, okay?
Be very careful how you dispose of things.
- What does she mean, Cindi?
- Kotex. - Any other questions?
- Yeah, do we get milk and cookies
before you tuck us in?
- Real cute Kim.
As you were.
- Boy she hasn't changed much in 10 years.
- But we have, that's the problem.
- Yeah will I came up here to have fun,
and no biddy's gonna stand in my way.
- We're all up here to have fun.
Well she's only trying to do her job.
- Yeah, well I don't know about you people,
but I'm not about to stay cooped up in this hen house.
Ciao.
(imitating chickens clucking)
- I assume this is my bed.
- Yours and a bed bag.
- Very funny.
- That's exactly what they said about you.
- Fuck all you guys!
- I'm first. - I'll be second!
- [Jerry] Come on on that's enough, Jesus!
- I don't understand, the guy doesn't want to be here,
what is he doing here?
- Maybe he's into self abuse.
- Isn't that when you get hair on your palms?
- That could be it, we're gonna check his palms for stubble,
it could be contagious!
- Leave me alone!
I never wanted to come here ever!
They made me!
- Now I understand, they made him.
They made him!
Ah well they didn't do a very good job!
- Why don't you shut up, you fruit!
- What did you call me? - You heard me.
(grunting)
- I ought to put this where the sun don't shine!
Nome, Alaska!
(grunting) (shouting)
Civilians out of the way, ya, ya, ya,
ya, ya! - All right all right
what is going on, what is this?
- Why it's a giant dildo.
- Who does this belong to?
- A giant, she lives right
over there! - It's mine!
- All right guys will you cool it, okay?
Will you just cool it!
- Hey!
Well... - Guys, is this
the right place?
- AJ Parnelli asshole, how are 'ya?
How's the van, sweet-o?
- Oh it is fine and I am ready for acti-one!
- For acti-one you've come to the wrong spot.
Your bed Master Mike, the very last one,
you'll be sleeping on top of Sir Gerald, the jack off.
- [Others] They made him come here!
- Fuck all of you!
- Ha, horny son of a bitches.
(chuckling)
- You guys wouldn't believe what happened
to me on the way up here.
- Yeah, try us.
- Well I picked up this real looker of a hitchhiker,
I mean real looker!
She had a pair on her that would kill (mumbles)!
Anyway she gets in, and I'm riding along
minding my own business,
and all of a sudden I look over and bingo!
She's completely naked!
- Oh! - Oh she was a real nympho!
(water splashing)
- What are you doing? - Watching you.
- [Swimmer] What for?
- I think you're very sexy, that's what for.
- Oh shit!
I was hoping this wouldn't be one of those weekends.
- I don't understand.
- Well every so often we get a group
of girls up here and all they want
to do is ball the lifeguard.
It's getting to be a joke.
- I can assure you it's no joke.
- I hope whoever is responsible for this is satisfied!
(water splashing) Did someone think to
go get George?
No of course not.
I'd appreciate you two volunteering,
hurry up before it gets worse, go on!
Go on, go on! - All right, all right!
(tense music)
- I hope we don't get caught!
- Chicken? - No.
- Hey guys, have you seen George?
- No.
- Gee what a coincidence.
Matt here was just talking about you two.
- I bet. - Hey, you don't
have to believe me, ask him.
- Yeah that's right, I was just telling him
about the two foxy chicks I saw.
- I'm Cindi this is Jenny.
- Hi there I'm Ricky.
Would you two lovely ladies like
to join us for a walk and maybe...
- Gee we'd like to but we really do have to find George.
See you around.
(perky music)
- Wow!
It looks like we're in luck!
Wow, what a swell looking girl.
- Oh shit, here comes Joe!
- Aw shit, just when I was about to fall in love.
- Oh, hey Joe, what's happening?
- [Joe] Oh nothing, what, what's happening with you?
- Oh not much, well there is something.
Uh, it's sort of hard to talk about but uh,
I think I can feel real comfortable talking to you.
- [Joe] Really, w-well I'm glad you feel that way.
- [Matt] Well it's just that I don't know what to do
with the rest of my life.
- You're crazy I could lose my job for one thing.
It ain't much but I enjoy it.
- Don't worry, I'm not going to tell.
- Well that's because there isn't gonna be anything to tell.
- Aw now do I turn you off that much?
- Aw, now don't go getting your
hopes up. - Excuse me,
uh, have you seen George?
- He's not here! - I know where he is,
I'll take you to him.
Bye!
(lively music)
- Whoo George, can I be next?
- Please be gentle George!
- [Herman] May I please have your attention.
Now please be reminded that our lavatory system
here is only suited for normal use.
Any abnormal use of the facilities will result in problems.
Uh, one more thing, dinner will be in one hour,
and there's a misprint on your schedule.
Please change that line that reads clothing optional
to read, wear whatever you like.
(campers applauding) (mumbling)
And seated right next to him is Dick the lifeguard.
(applauding) - Whoo, whoo!
- Uh, right there is Joe, the boys' counselor.
(applauding) - Hey Joe.
- [Herman] And Alice, the girls' counselor.
(applauding)
If you have any problems you'll find Dr. Fox
here in the infirmary.
(applauding)
And this is my wife, Sharon.
(cheering) Ah, down, down, down!
("Close Encounters" whistling) And Roger!
As you know, we've planned a number of the activities
you used to enjoy so much as campers,
so tonight, we're gonna have a campfire with
hot cocoa and marshmallows!
(applauding)
- Whoopee.
- Ah, right now, I would like to take this
opportunity to personally thank each and every one
of you for your presence here this weekend.
As I'm sure you're aware, this camp,
Camp Malibu, has a long and hallowed tradition.
Now the responsibility for keeping that tradition
alive has now fallen into our hands.
- I think he's gonna do that football (mumbles) again.
- We're now at a crossroads.
This could be the final quarter of our last game.
- What'd I tell 'ya?
- All that you see here today,
all that you've remembered with fondness these past years
is in danger of being lost.
Now the opponent is formidable, it's apathy!
Decay!
Lack of support both in terms of numbers and money!
- Do you want money from us?
- Now we want you on our team!
There are plenty of spots left open on our roster,
for you, for your parents,
for your brothers and your sisters!
- You could have my sister for two bucks!
- For if we don't join together we will lose.
We must commit ourselves to the fight.
Not only for our own benefit,
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah me too. - But for those of
our children! - You know,
- The future generations, - someone, should turn
- when the going gets tough, - him off.
- the tough get going. - Ooh, skunk.
- The future is in your hands.
We can't allow our opponent to keep us from our goal,
we must drive hard, harder, harder still
until we can see the light.
Cross that goal line, raise our arms in triumph,
and smell the sweet smell of success!
- Skunk!
(screaming)
- Look I think he's trying to use us
and we shouldn't stand for it.
He invited us up here as guests, to have fun,
not to work.
- Well come on, let's look at it from
Herman's point of view, I mean, we could be his last hope.
We should be selfish and just think of ourselves.
- Yeah, could be the end of Camp Malibu.
How would you live with that on you conscience, Ricky?
- Horse is right you guys!
It won't kill us to help out a little bit.
We owe it to him, it's a free weekend.
Besides, you guys could use the exercise,
and work off some of that baby fat!
- Oh shit! (mumbling)
- Well Matt what do you think?
- Well I think Ricky's got some good points.
- Oh come on.
- Although I see where the girls are coming from.
- Well I don't know, what the hell!
- What I don't understand is what exactly
does Herman want from us?
- Slave labor.
- Oh come on Ricky.
Do you want this camp to go under,
is that really what you want?
Well? - Well I just
don't believe him, that's all.
- I think we ought to have an orgy, dive into some fine--
- Oh come on be serious!
- I am serious, orgy, orgy, now, I am already,
taking these off-- - Yeah, yeah, oh yeah,
oh yeah, oh yeah!
- Hey would you guys speed it up, I ain't got all night!
- That's right!
There's a full moon out tonight.
And you got a date with the Wolfman!
- I didn't now you liked hairy men.
Don't worry I won't cut in on your territory.
- Well you got me there.
If I had my choice, I'd rather bang the Wolfman than you.
- You couldn't bang a cap gun.
Listen I'm gonna be back in about 15 minutes
and if this place isn't cleaned up, it's your ass.
- The only ass you can get is in Tijuana.
And then the poor dumb animal has to be strapped down.
Let's get this over with, come on.
(tray crashing)
- Oh (sobs)!
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I'm just that kind
of (mumbles) sort of thing!
- Now that's okay, now don't--
- Is there anything I can do to make up for it?
- Oh, oh oh oh oh what do you mean?
- Would you like to kiss me?
- Now?
- Oh is there anywhere we can go?
- R-R-R-R-Right now? - Yes, yes,
before I explode, oh think of some place!
- Some place... - Some place!
- Some place, some place... - Some place!
- Some place, some place...
I got it, I got it, I got it!
It's very cold. - Don't worry I'm very hot!
- Yeah right!
- Oh!
Oh help me with my clothes, take my clothes off please!
Yes take my clothes off! (panting)
Harder, harder harder! (panting)
Right there right there (mumbles)!
Yes I love it, love it love it!
(squealing)
Oh, take me, take me, take me!
- Take you where this is all there is!
(mumbling) (grunting)
- Roger!
Rog--
Oh come on, give the guy a break, out!
I said out!
(mumbling)
I hope he gets (mumbles), whatever.
(grunting) (shouting)
- Oh I love it, oh harder, harder!
(grunting) Oh, more, more (mumbles)!
(grunting)
- Whoops. - Shit.
(country music)
♫ Time to relax, where the stars shine in the sky
♫ Time to relax
♫ Alone baby you and I, I-I-I
♫ Time to relax
♫ I'm a city boy and you're a pretty girl
♫ Here in the moonlight
♫ We're together on a country night
♫ Time to relax, there's a message in the breeze
♫ Time to relax, and it's calling me, you and me
♫ Time to relax
♫ I'm-a hoping boy and you're a wishing girl
♫ Here in the moonlight
♫ We're all alone on a country night
♫ Out here no words need to be spoken, oh no-o-o
♫ I can see it all in your eyes
♫ Tonight, yeah while the trees are sleeping
♫ You and I will be promise keeping
- Hey, let's say you and me have our own
private little party.
- What kind of little party did you have in mind?
- We'll think of something.
- Pam why don't you join the group?
- I don't like crowds.
- Is there anything wrong?
- Look, I know you're only trying to do
you're camp mother bit but uh, leave me,
I've been taking care of myself a long time.
- Um, I'm sure you have.
- How about another shot?
- You had your shot?
- College, law school, job waiting,
family, marriage, senility.
- Herman, Herman!
- Not now dear, I've got too much on my mind.
- You really think so?
I guess you're right.
Now I feel a lot better about things after talking to you.
- I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
- I really think you're right.
- Having any luck?
- Sure, sure (chuckles).
- That's bullshit.
Well?
- Not really.
- See those three girls over there?
- Hey do you know them?
- It depends on what you mean by knowing.
I mean you mean intellectually or carnally or--
- Well do you!
- Nah, but I'd like to.
Come on I'll show you the master at work.
♫ Out here now worries - Hello ladies.
This is Mike, my name is Horse.
They call me Horse.
Would you like to know why they call me Horse?
Because they can't call me anything else
once they see the size of my (mumbles) here.
Right in here, everybody look, everybody looking?
- So what makes you think I'm interested?
- A little bird told me.
And my, how that little bird is growing!
- Well let's say you turn me,
there's lots of girls that turn me on.
- I'll bet. - Listen if you don't
stop that I'm gonna come all over my pants here.
- All right, but that's just a sample.
- All right, all right, just tell me where
you want me and I'll be there.
- Ah, no, you tell me! ♫ Here in the moonlight
♫ We're together on a country night
♫ Here in the moonlight
♫ We're all alone
♫ On a country night
(applauding)
(relaxing music) (chattering)
- [Matt] It seems like the things that change,
the more things remain the same.
- Yeah. - I mean like this weekend
it seems like time has stood still.
Like we were 10 years, we were 10 years back.
- Matt! - What?
- Will you top talking and kiss me?
(crickets chirping) (relaxing music)
- [Cindi] (gasps) It's time now to breath!
- [Matt] Time back in!
- Mm, that's enough! - What do you mean
that's enough?
Haven't we just started?
- [Girl] Uh-uh, bye bye!
- [Matt] Bye bye?
(tense music)
- [Boy] I don't know.
(chattering)
- All right.
Uh, you guys clean up, I got to dump a load.
- Holy shit my bed's full of crap!
- [Horse] Yeow!
- What is going on?
Sounds like someone's getting
murdered in here! - Somebody Vaselined
the god damned toilet seat!
(chuckling) - All right, I want
everybody in bed right now,
and you'll clean up in the morning.
- Well my bed's full of fucking shaving cream!
- Well, look at it this way,
you'll be able to shave in bed in the morning.
- All the bed frames are Vaselined!
- So a little Vaseline never hurt anybody!
- This is so true you silly savage you!
- Oh, goodnight!
- Did you do this (mumbles)?
- What makes you think I did it?
- What makes you think I did it!
(speaking foreign language)
- I've been short-sheeted!
(screaming)
- Ugh!
- God dammit!
- I've been short-sheeted too!
- Goodnight guys.
(thumping) Oh!
- The girls did this!
- What? - The girls did this,
I'm positive they did!
- What should we do about it? - I'm glad you
brought that up!
We gotta get back at 'em.
- Yeah how? - Panty raid!
- Yeah! (chattering)
When when when?
- After (mumbles) that's when!
- You sound ready, let's do it, let's do it now,
right now! - Hey come on guys guys guys,
did I ever tell you about the time
that I picked up the stewardess?
- Nah. - Great!
Well I was flying from San Fran to LA when this
creature of incredible beauty comes up to me
and she says "Hey, TWA coffee, TWA milk,
"or TWA T and that means me!"
(grunting)
(spitting) - Shut up.
(cheerful music)
- Does this article of bad taste belong to anyone?
- Oh sorry! - Well try to keep
your dirty laundry off my bed, okay?
- It was clean until you touched it.
- Don't you girls have anything better to do
than to talk abut me?
- Oh we weren't saying anything bad!
- Even if you were, coming from you
it wouldn't mean anything.
- Now wait a minute Kim, if you're gonna
pick on anybody pick on me.
- I wouldn't waste my time.
Looking at you broads it's no wonder
all the guys are chasing me.
(laughing) - That's a laugh!
You throw yourself at every guy in this camp!
By tomorrow you'll have to go to the butcher for fresh meat!
- Fuck off!
- So these two broads and me right,
they beg me to drive to this secluded spot
where nobody would bother us.
And we all get into the back, and uh,
well you guys can imagine all the possibilities.
(snoring)
You guys want me to describe everything in detail?
Are you sure?
Hey, where is everybody?
Those bastards left without me!
(crickets chirping) - Everything under control?
- [Alice] Well for the time being, yes.
- Good, good.
Keep up the good work. - Okay.
- Joe. - Yeah, Herman?
- Yeah, boys' cabin in shape?
- (chuckles) I guess so.
(mumbling) - We could all use
a nice peaceful evening.
- Jesus, the whole fucking staff is out there.
- [Matt] Look, we gotta create a diversionary tactic
or it'll ruin the whole surprise.
- We can start a fire! - Yeah we burn the camp
down, I like it!
(chuckling) - Wait!
There's this trash can over there,
if we throw this little ruby in there,
whoof, the explosion should distract them long enough!
Any, - Yeah!
- volunteers? - Hey, you bastards left me!
- Yeah it was a defensive tactic,
you were boring us to death, go away, go away!
- You sure? - Kidding!
- [Horse] Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back or what?
He's a brave kid isn't he?
(tense music)
(explosion booming)
- [Ricky] Charge!
(shouting) (screaming)
(perky music)
- Come on girls, let's get 'em!
(screaming)
- Damn you, you beast, you beast!
(gibbering)
- Hold it, hold it!
(perky music) (screaming)
- Hey what's going on in here?
- Ah, ah ha, I like it, it's me!
(shouting) (perky music)
- Hey George!
George!
Hey George!
George!
Ha!
I don't think that was very funny!
- What's all the noise up in the camp?
- Oh some of the boys are getting their rocks off
with a panty raid.
- Oh yeah?
Aren't you a little afraid of losing your panties?
- No, because I never wear them!
- Oh yeah?
(lips smacking) (moaning)
- [Kim] Oh!
(groaning)
Oh...
Oh yeah!
- Okay is everybody ready?
- Yep. - Uh-huh.
- Come on! - Cindi are you sure
we ought to be doing this?
- Muffy, if we only did the things we ought to do
life would be awfully boring.
(claps) Let's go!
- All right! - Yeah!
(moaning) - Yeah!
Oh come on!
(grunting)
Yeah! (smacking)
- [Herman] George!
- Hey let's get out of here!
- Oh no let's have round two!
- Not now!
- Well why if we get caught I'll just tell him
it was me who raped you!
- Very funny, put this on and get your ass out the window!
- [Kim] Boy you sure know how to ruin a good time.
- [George] Hey we're gonna have to do this again some time.
- Yeah well don't count on it.
Oh Georgie, you forgot something!
Ha!
- What are you doing in here? - Why I'm working.
(chuckling) - Yeah I bet you were
working, and I know who you were working on!
- You do? - (chuckles) Yeah!
(slapping) - Look at that,
boy I want what's inside here,
hey I want it I want it!
Oh, and look at this, look, who could fit into this!
Can you believe it?
- Hold it, hold it!
These are my shorts, I lost it...
You are a pervert! - Sorry, I'm sorry!
(boisterous chattering)
(water splashing)
- Let's get 'em!
(shouting) (perky music)
(Mike screaming) (girls yelling)
- [Mike] Cut it out!
This is so cold!
- [Herman] May I please have your attention!
The schedule for this morning is as follows.
Calisthenics at the main athletic field in 10 minutes.
Everyone is expected to participate.
Breakfast comes next, followed by
group leadership training projects.
(perky music)
Uh, one more thing.
Will anyone who has in his possession the under,
the panty, the uh, uh,
please return all items of clothing not your own
to a table that's been set up under the totem pole
so the rightful owners may claim their property.
And so in keeping with the themes of this weekend,
commitment, leadership, responsibility,
- Here it comes again. - we've created a
leadership training activity designed
to reinforce your pride in your surroundings.
Not only that, but also pride in accomplishment.
Now each staff member will call out the names on
his or her list, and the group that does
the best job will win a prize!
- Probably another glorious weekend in Camp Malibu.
- Yeah and second prize is probably a whole month.
- I'm not real sure I understand what we're supposed to do.
- I'm afraid they're gonna put us to work.
- Well guys? - No way!
(perky music)
- Hey listen to me, I got some real hot news!
We the men of cabin two are having a little contest
of our own, I already have here let's see
10 people signed up, that's $1 per person, winner take all!
- What do we gotta do?
(chuckling)
- We'll refer to it as the fantastic feces contest.
- [Muffy] Uh, I don't get it.
- You will my dear, the rules are very simple,
the longest one wins and it's gotta be in one piece.
And with Bertha's food already our stomach
we can expect some real whoppers!
Who wants to sign up?
- I still don't get it.
- Stupid.
- And so since all work and no play
make us all very dull, fun is the order of the day
for the rest of the afternoon!
- Oh boy, can't wait to here this one.
- Now the staff and I have organized a series of contests
in which - Speaking of contests,
who's winning? - So far Horace is.
But just by a fraction of an inch.
- And to add to the spice of the proceedings,
the two teams will be,
the boys against the girls!
- Yeah, I wouldn't mind being up against her!
- The contests consist of various athletic
and non-athletic events!
- How can we be expected to compete against the boys?
- I don't know, but it could be fun.
- Okay everybody, let the competition begin!
(energetic music)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
this is your announcer, Herman Samuels,
inviting you to join us for the first
annual Camp Malibu Competition Games!
This event not only attracts multitudes of great
athletes who have at one time or another rose (mumbles).
(perky music)
But also throngs of rabid spectators,
each of whom has asked me for my autograph!
(chuckling)
(perky music)
And to break the tie the judges have decided
the final contest will be a flag football game.
The rules are simple.
The boys must pull off both the girl's flags
while the girls merely have to touch
the boys with one hand!
- Give me a G, give me an I!
- Come on at me baby doll I'm ready!
- Give me an R!
(mumbling) Give me an L!
- I don't care which one gets it,
(clapping) come on I'm ready for more!
- Give me an L!
(whistle blowing)
Girls!
- [Girl] Three, six, nine, hike!
(perky music)
(whistle blowing)
- Side run. - Yeah you got me!
Come on man, yeah!
- Ah, what's the strategy?
- Okay, Horse go down in the middle,
Ricky the same. - You got it.
- Okay, I'll fake a hand off to you, okay, ready,
break! - Go!
- Kill 'em, get 'em, rape and pillage, (mumbles).
- [Matt] Come on Horse!
Hike!
(perky music)
(whistle blowing)
- Okay you guys we gotta win this thing!
- You gotta be kidding, they're not gonna let us win!
- Trust me, the first thing we gotta do is
work on our on-side kick!
- What's an on-side kick?
- Well I don't now but well figure it out later.
- Ooh sa sassa, ooh sa sassa,
hit him on the head with a big kielbasa!
(perky music)
(whistle blowing)
- Cut, hold it, hold it!
- [Girl] Hike!
(shouting) (perky music)
(whistle blowing)
- [Girl] Hike!
(shouting) (perky music)
- Foul!
(whistle blowing)
(mumbling)
- They can't win this football game!
You hear me? (chattering)
- Ready?
Ready, break! - Yeah!
- Kind of go easy stuff (mumbles) now, right now!
- Now that we got the ball, what do we do with it?
- This will probably be the last play of the game girls.
- Okay now listen, we're gonna run a triple reverse!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Probably.
Ready?
Break! - Go!
(perky music) (shouting)
(whistle blowing)
- Let's go guys, beat the shit out of 'em!
(whistle blowing)
(shouting) (girls squealing)
(splatting)
(girls cheering)
- Hey old duck, hey old ducks, come on, shoo!
(Fox whistling)
- Oh doctor? - Yes?
- Oh doctor, I'd really appreciate if you can
check out my ankle, I think I sprained it!
- Here? - No!
The infirmary!
- Oh, oh, oh.
Now tell me, how long have you been having these pains?
- Over a half an hour!
- [Jenny] Don't be a bad sport, cheer up!
- Or what? - Maybe for me.
(chuckling)
- The competition isn't over, yet.
- What do you mean? - Hey Ricky, get in here!
Terry's about to make history!
- I'll bet the Guinness World Book of Records
has nothing like this on its hands!
- Well, (mumbles).
- Oh I just love the way this feels against my naked body!
- Well, tell me now,
where's that problem?
- Oh you see doctor I uh,
I've got this itch, and nobody I know
has been able to scratch it, yet.
- Well uh, have you tried calamine lotion?
- No, have you tried this?
- Oh.
No. - Ladies and gentlemen
we have a winner!
- All right! - At 13 inches and still
moving around on the bathroom floor,
the winner, of cabin two's first annual
fantastic feces contest is!
Jerry!
(applauding)
- How gross!
- If you ladies think that was gross,
wait till you find out what you'll be measuring
in tonight's contest!
- [Boys] Yeah!
- [Both] Row row row your boat!
Gently down the stream.
Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat gently down the stream!
Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream!
- [Boys] We want the girls!
We want the girls! (cheering)
(explosion booming)
(boys yelling) (girls screaming)
(both grunting)
- The boat the boat ah the boat!
The boat, ah the boat, the boat, ah the boat!
Ah the boat, oh ah (groans)! (Kim groaning)
- Oh I love that one (groans)...
- (grunts) oh, oh the stream...
- There you go boys. - You guys disgust me.
- A little salad hmm?
Mmm, yum! - Mmm good!
- And some spaghetti for Matt.
Okay, all right, very good.
- I don't like this one bit.
- Me neither.
- May I please have your attention!
Thank you, I'd like to congratulate the girls on
their victory in today's competition.
- [Campers] Yay! (applauding)
- Bravo, yay women! (cheering)
- Now, the announcement you've all been waiting for.
Tonight's activity will be, a disco!
(laughing) (clapping)
And the theme for the disco will be,
Nights of Arabia!
- And what does that mean?
- Everyone will have to improvise some sort of costume,
within the bounds of good taste.
And the winners will receive a,
uh, receive a prize so fabulous
I can't tell you what it is!
(laughing)
- Yeah probably the same prize he forgot to award at lunch.
- Muffy you take the spaghetti, you take the punch,
Jenny the pie, ready?
- All right.
(suspenseful music)
(perky music)
(shouting) (squealing)
- Hey what's going on--
(laughing) (shouting)
(relaxing music)
(lively music) (boys chattering)
- Hey guys, how's it, how's it going?
- We're getting there.
- I like 'em bareback! (popping)
- Jeez I'm not gonna dress in those dumb rags.
- That really figures Pammy,
'cause you never getting into anything do you?
- No Jenny I (mumbles).
- Do you really think you'll be able
to teach me how to dance?
- Oh of course Muffy, no prob.
- Hey, what do you guys think about this?
- Uh, uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
You, sit down.
Linda, we are going to make you beautiful.
These have got to come off. - But I can't see anything!
- I don't care, fake it!
And the hair is gonna come down!
- My mom likes this hairdo!
- Your mommy isn't at camp with you.
- I got to go for (mumbles).
- Well what's the hurry?
- I got to figure out my costume for tonight!
You should too.
- Just one more.
- See ya! - Okay.
(smokey blues music)
(crickets chirping)
(sniffing)
- [Matt] Mrs. Samuels?
(sobbing)
Mrs. Samuels are you okay?
I mean is there anything I can do?
- [Mrs. Samuels] No.
- [Matt] All right.
- [Mrs. Samuels] Yes, sit with me.
- [Matt] Sure.
- I'll be all right, I just needed a good cry.
- [Matt] Why?
- Oh lots of reasons.
Things you probably wouldn't understand,
til you get a little older.
- Like what?
- Oh, (sighs), things like loneliness,
and getting old.
(sniffing)
When I see all you kids with all that vitality and,
I get envious, do you know what that's like?
You still, have time Matt, to change your life,
and it's too late for me.
(sniffing)
- [Matt] Why?
- [Mrs. Samuels] Oh Matt look at me,
I'm 35 years old (sobs)!
And I'm losing my looks.
- [Matt] I think you're a very beautiful woman.
- [Mrs. Samuels] Oh you're just saying that.
- No, I really mean it, I really do!
- Kiss me.
It's all right, there's no one around.
- [Matt] Mrs. Samuels, I don't, you know...
(crickets chirping)
- [Mrs. Samuels] What?
- I don't know, uh...
- [Mrs. Samuels] Try again.
No, Matt, easy, easy now!
- [Matt] I'm sorry.
No, I'm, I'm sorry, I just...
- Don't be sorry Matt.
I'm not.
- [Matt] M-M-M-Mrs. Samuels?
- Matt, come here.
(tender relaxing music)
(perky disco music) ♫ Gimme gimme gimme
♫ Gimme gimme your love
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
♫ Gimme gimme gimme, whoo
♫ Gimme your love
♫ You set my heart on fire, whoo
♫ Taken by desire, oh
♫ You got me going now, I can't wait
♫ So I can have you out and party with me
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
♫ Gimme gimme gimme, whoo
♫ Gimme your love
♫ Whoa
♫ We will sail together now, you and I
♫ Oh, together we'll discover
♫ Paradise
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
- You want to, you know...
- Oh sure.
I love to dance!
- Dance?
- Are you okay? - Sure, why?
- You're so quiet.
- I'm sorry, I'll get with it.
- Hi, I'm Steve, you're really a foxy chick,
I don't believe we've met.
- I'm Linda you dummy.
- Huh? - That's Linda all right.
- Wait, wait a minute, hold it, hold it, wait a minute...
(perky disco music)
- Horse my boy, having fun?
- Oh yeah, (mumbles).
- Good, good.
Uh, when you get home be sure and tell your folks about us.
You know, how much fun you had,
and, about the camp's problem, you know.
- Okay, I will.
- By the way, how's your father's export business doing?
- Not. - Eh?
- (whistles) Bankrupt.
- Oh, oh.
- I can't believe you're eating all that food!
- Don't worry, I saved plenty of room
to eat you for dessert my little sugar plumb.
(snorting laughing)
- I wanna get laid tonight!
You heard me, I want a man, tonight!
- Are your sure? - Of course I'm sure!
What's the matter, aren't I as good as anybody else?
- Oh of course you are Muffy!
Well do you have anybody in particular in mind?
- Well, after eliminating the boys you guys
are interested in, I decided,
on him!
- Him?
Are you kidding?
- No I'm quite serious.
- Hey, w-w-w-where you taking us?
- Shut up and come with us!
- For the camp's sake, why don't you have
them send your sister up?
- My sister?
No way, not with all this smoking and boozing around here!
- Horse, how would you like to get laid tonight?
Do you care who it is?
- Are you sure?
- Follow us.
- Hey what about me guys?
- Horse!
This is very special weed.
It will turn a nun into a nymphomaniac.
(coughing)
- I don't have any brothers or sisters.
- You don't?
Couldn't your family adopt some?
- Hey, hey what do I do next?
- What do you mean what do I do next?
Haven't you ever been alone with a girl before?
- (chuckles) Sure I have.
No. - Are you shitting me?
- Will you cut it out and tell me what
I'm supposed to do next?
- Hello, hello Simba.
Hello! (fingers snapping)
(Muffy coughing)
- Wow.
That's wonderful water.
- Yeah.
- That's the best water I ever had!
It's, it's, clean,
and it's cool, and fresh--
- And wet.
- Wet, yeah.
(perky disco music)
- Tell me, do you think a slave and his mistress
could ever find true happiness together?
- That's very possible doctor, you don't look like a slave.
- Well that's because my sheets haven't come back
yet from the laundry.
What's your excuse?
- You know, with your family's connections,
I'm sure they could help us out.
- I don't know about that, but I'd like to help you out!
- How? - You know,
tit for tat!
(Herman giggling)
- [Jenny] How does this feel?
- [Ricky] Terrific!
Oh that feels so good!
Ah, oh shit, I gotta go!
- Why? - Never mind!
Don't worry, I'll be right back.
- Well?
- Make, make yourself comfortable.
Can I, can I get you a drink or something?
- Scotch, straight up.
- Straight up it is!
To us! (glasses clinking)
- Undress me!
- Sure.
- Okay take me over to the bed.
Hurry up!
(crickets chirping)
- Oh!
Is the camera in position?
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! - Because they are!
Ready, rolling, sex at its best, take one.
Action!
- Okay doctor, you're gonna do
everything I want you to do, right?
- Right. - Okay kiss my fingers.
Harder, come on!
Okay that's good, I want you to bite my neck now!
Ooh, my ear!
Come on!
Okay that's good.
Now I want you to kiss my breasts.
Good.
Now, I know what you want and I want it to.
I'm gonna walk all over you with my heels.
- Oh, great.
- [Pam] Okay I want you to kiss my toe first.
- Could we talk about this for a moment or so?
- [Pam] Come on and kiss it!
(lips smacking)
(grunting) How does that feel?
- Great!
- Ay, yi yi yi yi!
- Wow, look at that! (chuckling)
- I wonder if this is how Roman Polanski got his start.
(grunting) - Harder!
Come on doctor harder!
(panting) - Wait, I'm coming.
(grunting) (groaning)
- This (mumbles).
- Oh god. - It was an
Academy Award Performance!
- You know it, now let's get this equipment back like fast!
Let's go, let's go! - Quiet, shoo!
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
♫ Gimme gimme gimme, whoo
♫ Gimme your love
♫ You set my heart afire, whoo
♫ Taken my desire, oh
♫ You got me going now, I can't wait
♫ So I can have you out and party with me
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
♫ Gimme gimme gimme, whoo
♫ Gimme your love
♫ Oh oh
♫ We will sail together now
♫ You and I, oh
♫ Together we'll discover paradise
♫ Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme your love
(applauding)
- Yowsa yowsa yowsa, may I have your attention please!
We will now view videotaped
highlights of today's activities!
- Uh-oh.
(screaming) (gasping)
- Whoo, whoo whoo! - Good evening ladies
and gentlemen, this is your announcer, Herman Samuels,
advising you to join us at the first annual camp--
(groaning) (grunting)
(applauding)
- Oh! - Whoo!
- [Girl] Sock it to her Dr. Fox!
- Make her the man! - Hey Dr. Fox,
can I be next, any sloppy seconds?
- Um, shit Pam! - Hey Pam, when do I get some?
(applauding) - Whoo, whoo!
(Herman shouting)
- What's going on here?
(grunting)
- [Fox] Ah!
(laughing)
The party's over.
- [Jenny] (giggles) Where are we going?
- [Ricky] If I tell 'ya it will ruin the surprise!
- [Jenny] I don't like surprise!
- You'll like this one! (giggling)
- Oh Horse, look at the stars, they're beautiful!
I want to fly up to them!
- Hey Mike, Mike, you gotta let me use your van!
- Gee I don't know. - Come on anything,
I'll do anything for you!
I gotta have it buddy.
- Can I watch?
- Mike don't do this to me.
- All right, all right, it was just an idea,
just an idea, you can have it, the keys are in there.
- Yeah, you're a pal, you're a buddy, you're a pal.
(crickets chirping)
- You want to go for a walk?
- Mrs. Samuels, I uh,
I just want to, well I really don't know how
to say this but I..
- (chuckles) You don't have to, I understand.
You want Cindi.
- Yeah.
I, I'm sorry Mrs. Samuels, but I--
- Don't be.
I'll remember our moment for a long long time.
Can we remember this together?
- Sure. - And nothing can ever take
this away from us.
- No.
Thank you.
- Our chariot awaits.
- (sighs) You mean, this?
- Yeah, why not?
You know, you ought to be on the stage!
- Oh yeah, the first stage out of town.
(laughing)
- Hey Dick, I think there's a leak in the
moonbounce I think you better go check it.
- Shit.
- Come on everybody, let's have a drink.
We deserve it.
- [Bertha] Oh, you can say that again.
- Okay, come on everybody let's have a drink,
we deserve it.
- [Muffy] Wow Horse, they're beautiful.
Isn't that the big dipper?
- [Horse] Huh?
- [Muffy] The stars, aren't they beautiful?
(snoring)
- [Dick] Well I don't see anything wrong with it.
- [Girl] No look inside.
Come on!
- [Dick] What's going on here?
What are you guys doing?
(boisterous shouting) (squealing)
Help, help!
- She likes me, she likes me not.
She likes me,
she likes me not.
She likes me.
She likes me not.
Shit, no one likes me.
(grunting) (groaning)
(springs squeaking)
(boisterous shouting) (squealing)
- [All] Our (mumbles) number one
and we're having lots of fun,
oh we (mumbles) lay me down and do it again.
Roll me over, and--
(water splashing)
(crickets chirping)
- [Kim] Oh Steve, Steve!
- What?
- Oh Steve, Mike's in trouble.
- What kind of trouble?
- Uh, his van is stuck.
Come on I'll take you to him.
- What's wrong? - I'm gonna give Mike
a hand, I'll be right back.
- Yes, we better take your bike, it'll be a lot faster.
- Cindi!
Cindi.
Look I'm sorry, okay, it was nothing,
please don't be angry with me.
- I'm not angry with you Matt.
- You're not?
- No, I'm furious.
(chuckling)
- Come here.
Hey, I got a great idea.
- What?
- Take a ride to the beach
- Okay.
(crickets chirping)
- Guess who?
- I don't know, who?
- It's me!
- Who's me?
- Me!
- Uh oh, oh, me!
I mean you (chuckles)!
- Come on Mike, come with me.
- For what?
- It's time for us to make, mad and passionate,
animalistic love!
- Uh, are you kidding?
You're not kidding, she's not kidding!
(motor revving)
- [Kim] Stop here!
- Where's Mike?
- I don't know.
- I don't get it.
- (giggles) Aw, come on Steve, don't be so naive.
Come here. - Hey look Kim,
cut the crap, I've gotta get back to Linda.
- Oh what for?
You know you'd have a much better time with me.
Come on Steve, give it a chance, huh?
- Be a good girl and put your dress back on.
- No.
- Suit yourself.
(engine revving)
- Hey where you going? - Back to Linda.
- You know you're a real bastard!
- How'd you find out, it's supposed to be a family secret.
- [Kim] Oh fuck you!
(engine revving)
You son of a bitch!
(Kim yelling)
(Kim screaming)
(waves crashing)
- [All] When the saints
go marching in...
- It's over.
- What'd you say Herman?
- I said it's over.
- What's over?
- The camp.
It's done.
Finished, the end.
Period.
- Oh Herman, it can't be.
- But it is.
Only a miracle could save us now.
- Kids might still come back.
- Even if they did it wouldn't help.
Oh, we, might be able to coast by for another year, but...
- Come on dear let's go to bed.
Goodnight.
(pleasant music) (chattering)
- Goodbye. - Goodbye, have a safe trip.
All right... - Herman don't worry,
there are other things in this world besides this camp!
We'll find something.
- You're right, and we will, together.
(perky music) - Hey Herman,
have you seen Dick?
- Nah, I don't know, I haven't seen him.
- Hey Mike!
- Yeah? - How'd you make out
last night, did you get any?
- Hey, Steve, I mean that's personal, you know,
I don't believe in bragging about things like that.
- Well did you?
- Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes!
- Bye guys! - Hey Horse!
Horse!
Take it easy, it's been a lot of fun!
- Yeah and don't do anything we wouldn't do.
- Oh you guys are real pigs!
- [Matt And Ricky] Well excuse us!
(grunting)
- Well hey Cindi, isn't that what's her name?
- Oh my god I can't believe it!
Can I have your autograph please?
- Saw you on the tube last night, you're our favorite star!
- Oh fuck off, will you?
- Are you Mike?
- Yeah?
- We have heard so much about you, lover!
- Can we ride with you, please?
- Sure!
(mumbling)
- Bye now.
- Hey, hey, hey hey hey, where you going?
- Home! - Not on that bus.
- You're going with us.
- I thought they'd never ask.
- Well? - Okay.
- You rotten mother! - Ooph!
- Bye Herman. - Oh!
- Thanks a lot. - Bye Mr. Samuels.
- Bye Matt.
- Thanks for coming. - Uh-huh, bye (mumbles).
- Thanks Mr. Samuels, we had a great time.
You know the guys and I had a little talk and,
we decided we're gonna try our darndest
to help out the camp.
- Ah, thanks Ricky, I certainly appreciate that!
- Buh bye. - Goodbye Ricky.
- Well Herman, that just about does it,
we're all finished up.
- Okay thanks George.
- Wait until I get my hands
on you! (Kim screaming)
- Not gonna happen, you've been abusing
that vibrator so long you don't know what
to do with the real thing!
(mumbling)
You probably tried to plug it into a wall!
- Listen I could get more sex in a week than you could
in a whole year, if I wanted to!
- Okay (mumbles), you do that to their animals?
(screaming)
(plunky music)
- [Jerry] Hey, wait for me, wait for me!
- [Ricky] You know Matt, seriously,
I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
I mean college, job waiting, marriage...
- [Matt] Up yours Ricky.
- Mr. Samuels, Mr. Samuels!
Mr. Samuels, Mr. Samuels, you mean, you remember me, huh?
- Yes, yes, you're that uh, Mr. Geologist right?
- Right, right, and you'll never guess what
I found, it's fantastic!
Over there-- - Don't tell me,
let me guess.
You discovered oil on the property, right?
- Absolutely.
- And I'm gonna be a very rich man, right?
- Yeah, right.
Well what do you say, huh?
- What do I say?
I'm rich (laughs)!
I'm rich!
(lively music) We're rich (laughs)!
We're rich!
(laughing)
The camp is saved, we're rich!
We're rich (laughs)!
We're rich!
The camp is saved!
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ Where the days are short and the nights are fast
♫ Memories dance of sweet romance
♫ And a million first tastes of love
♫ Everybody come to have a good time
♫ Everybody come to have a ball
♫ All the things we've heard and all the truths we find
♫ Hardly ever takes the (mumbles)
♫ Summer Camp, Summer Camp
♫ You know a child came in and a young man left
♫ And going home, all alone
♫ With the bittersweet taste of love