>>> AND NOW ROBERT MUELLER FINISHES HIS REPORT,
WILLIAM BARR SUMMARIZES THE REPORT
AND DONALD TRUMP TWEETS HIS REACTION TO THE SUMMARY.
ATTORNEY
DEPARTMENT AND ESTEEMED MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
>> HEY, GUYS, WILLIAM BARR HERE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS ONE.
>> GUESS WHAT? GUESS WHAT? GUESS WHAT? DADDY IS ABOUT TO FREAK.
>> I AM SUBMITTING THESE 380 PAGE--
>> I AM WRITING ALMOST FOUR PAGES.
>> I AM READING ZERO PAGES.
BUT SEAN HANNITY HAS READ IT AND HE'S SO EXCITED, HE TEXTED ME AN EGGPLANT.
>> ON THE CHARGE OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE, WE HAVE NOT DRAWN A DEFINITIVE CONCLUSION.
>> BUT I HAVE. AND MY CONCLUSION IS TRUMP CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.
>> FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!
>> AS FOR CONSPIRACY OR COLLUSION, THERE WERE SEVERAL QUESTIONABLE INSTANCE
INVOLNG THE PRESIDENT'S TEAM BUT WE CANNOT PROVE A CRIMINAL CONNECTION.
>> NO COLLUSION, NO DIGGEDY, NO BAD.
>> HOWEVER, WE HAVE INDICTED 40 INDIVIDUALS IN CONNECTION WITH THIS PROBE.
>> MOST OF THEM VERY GOOD PEOPLE.
>> THE PARDONS ARE ALREADY IN THE MAIL.
I'VE INCLUDED HUNDREDS OF PES OF EVIDENCE.
>> MOST OF IT PROVIDED ON LIVE TELEVISION BY THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF.
>> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, GO TO BED. DADDY WON.
>> AND I SHOULD REMIND EVERYONE THERE'S STILL SEVERAL ONGOING INVESTIGATIONS.
>> ONE OR TWO TINY INVESTIGATIONS.
>> AND THEY'RE INVESTITION INTO DEMOCRATS,
TV SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN MEAN TO ME.
AND PUERTO RICO, THAT'S RIGHT, I WANT MY PAPER TOWELS BACK, AMIGOS.
>> SOMEBODY WITH THE TRUMP TEAM MIGHT HAVE MET WITH RUSSIANS AT SOME POINT.
>> SOMEBODY DISTANTLY ASSOCIATED WITH TRUMP MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING WEIRD.
♪ SOMEBODY WANTS TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GO TO ROLL ME
I AM THE SHARPEST TOOLE SHED ♪
>> IN CONCLUSION IT IS MY HOPE THIS REPORT WILL BE MADE PUBLIC WITH A FEW REDACTIONS.
>> HELLO, REDACTIONS!
>> WE'RE GOING TO BLOCK OUT EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE WORDS NO AND COLLUSION.
>> OVERALL THERE IS AN ABUNDANCE OF CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE.
>> BUT NO CONCRETE EVIDENCE.
>> IF YOU SHOOT AT THE DEVIL, YOU BEST NOT MISS.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY DEVIL.
>> RUDY, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, WE GOT OFF SCOTT FREE.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW. I GUESS I WAS A LEGAL GENIUS THE WHOLE TIME.
AND ALL OF MY MIND GAM WORKED.
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY MIND GAMES WERE,
YOU HAVE TO ASK THE FAMILY OF GOBLINS WHO LIVES IN MY HEAD AND OPENS MY EYES.
>> AFTER TWO LONG YEARS OUR INVESTIGATION WITH RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE IN THE ELECTION IS FINALLY OVER.
>> Y'ALL CAN TURN OFF YOUR HUFF-PO AMBER ALERTS.
IT'S TIME FOR THE COUNTRY TO HEAL AND MOST PAST THIS.
>> THIS IS THE ONLY THING I WILL TALK ABOUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE.
>> AND I WILL TAKE THE FIRSTBORN
THEY CAN GUESS THAT MY NAME IS RUMPLE STILTSON.
>> SINCERELY, ROBERT S. MUELLER.
>> YOURS TRULY, THE GUY WHO'S BEEN HERE A MONTH, WILLIAM BARR.
>> SINCERELY, PRESIDENT INVINCIBLE
#TEN MORE YEARS, #FDR BUT WITH LEGS.
>> YOURS IN ETERNAL DARKNESS, RUDY GIULIANI.
I WAS BOOED AT A YANKEE'S GAME.
>> PS, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK HAS IN STORE FOR TRUMP.
>> WHAT NOW?
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
MUSICAL GUEST -- TAME IMPALA
AND YOUR HOST -- SANDRA OH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- SANDRA OH
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
I'M SANDRA OH.
AND IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, "OH" IN KOREAN MEANS HUH.
IT'S UNREAL TO BE HERE.
I JUST WANT TO SAY HI TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
THEY DO NOT WATCH THE SHOW, BECAUSE THEY'RE OLDER
AND THIS SHOW COMES ON AT THE SAME TIME AS GOING TO SLEEP.
SO, I'VE BEEN HAVING A GOOD YEAR, OR SO PEOPLE TELL ME.
YOU SEE, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS BECAUSE I'M CANADIAN,
AND IN CANADA, YOU CANNOT BRAG.
THEY DON'T LIKE YOU ALL BEING BRIGGEDY BRAGGEDY.
SO THE CANADIAN RESPONSE TO A COMPLIMENT, IS, "SORRY."
AND, YOU KNOW, I'M ALSO ASIAN.
A LITTLE BIT OF APPLAUSE. INTERESTING.
AND BEING ASIAN MEANS I'M A MASTER AT DEFLECTING PRAISE.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY
OF BECOMING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.
AND I GET A LOT MORE APPLAUSE THERE. INTERESTING.
I LOVE AMERICANS. YOU ARE DIRECT AND CONFIDENT,
AND NOW THAT I'M AND ASIAN-CANADIAN-AMERICAN,
I'M TRYING TO LEARN A THING OR TWO ABOUT, YOU KNOW, TOOTING MY OWN HORN.
>> HEY. SARA. >> LESLIE!
>> IT'S BEEN SO GREAT HAVING YOU HERE. YOU ARE AWESOME!
>> SORRY.
OK, CANADIANS DO REALLY WELL IN AMERICA.
I MEAN, LOOK AT DRAKE. IN CANADA, HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR.
>> BUT YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS. PRACTICE
LIKE, "I LOVE YOUR OUTFITS." >> GO TO HELL.
I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.
I'M JUST NOT AT GOOD AT BRAGGING.
>> IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BRAG, BABY. IT'S ABOUT THE SWAY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT. LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.
>> I'M LESLIE JONES.
>> AND? >> THAT'S THE BRAG. I'M LESLIE JONES.
NOW YOU TRY. >> OKAY, OKAY.
I'M LESLIE JONES. >> NO, NO.
>> IT'S ABOUT YOU, SANDRA. ABOUT YOU. >> OH. OKAY, OKAY.
I'M SANDRA OH AND I CRY MORE THAN ANY PERSON YOU'VE EVER MET.
>> NO, NO, NO. COME ON, BABY. YOU CAN DO IT.
>> OH, OKAY. YOU KNOW, I GOT IT. >> OKAY.
>> I'M SANDRA OH AND I'M HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. TAME IMPALA IS HERE!
STICK AROUND. WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
ALERT THERE'S SOME WEIRD CHARGES ON THE DISCOVER CARD.
I'LL CALL THEM. >> GOOLUCK YOU'LL JUST BE TALKING TO A ROBOT.
>> NOPE, WITH THE DISCOVER CARD YOU GET TO TALK TO A REAL PERSON WHO'S JUST LIKE YOU.
HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE?
>> DISCOVER-CARD.
>> HEY, GIRL. THERE'S SOME WEIRD CHARGES ON MY ACCOUNT.
I THINK SOMEONE STOLE MY IDENTITY.
>> I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
ANYWAY, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE USED MY CAR TO BUY A BUNCH OF RED JUMP SUITS,
MOTORCYCLE GLOVES, HUNDREDS OF RABBITS AND SOME GIANT SCISSORS.
>> THAT'S SO RANDOM.
>> OH, MY GOD. I SAY RANDOM ALL THE TIME.
ARE YOU ME?
>> WHAT? A LONG TIME --
BEACH
>> SORRY, CAN WE SPEED THIS UP? MY FAMILY AND I ARE ON VACATION.
>> WHEN YOU GO ON VACATION, I SIT IN A CAVE.
>> OH, THAT SOUNDS BAD. I WOULD I NOT SWITCH PLACES WITH YOU.
>> BE CAREFUL.
>> HELLO?
BABE, I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE TH THIS WOMAN.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT THIS. GIVE ME THE PHONE.
YEAH, IS THIS DISCOVER?
HEY, THAT'S WHY YOU HANDLE THE MONEY.
>> DISCOVER, FROM THE MIND OF JORDAN PEELE.
BOTTOM CLIENT ANYMORE.
>> JUST GIVE JUSSIE ANOTHER CHANCE.
>> WHY? HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THIS JOB ANYMORE.
HE'S TWO HOURS LATE FOR THIS MEETING.
PUT
>> JUSSIE SMOLLETT IS A VICTIM. >> OH, PLEASE!
>> I HAVE REPRESENTED HIM HIS ENTIRE CAREER.
I'M SURE THERE'S AN EXPLANATION HE'S SO LATE.
CRAZY EXCUSE
SO SORRY
>> JUSSIE >> ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> GUYS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME.
>> NOT AGAIN!
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BUT IT'S NOT THAT.
>> SO WHAT IS IT? >> I GOT ATTACKED AGAIN.
>>T'S EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE THINKING, JUSSIE.
>> OH, GOOD, SO YOU BELIEVE ME. >> NO!
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?
>> I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS ATTACKED.
>> HE MEANT MENTLY, JUSSIE.
>> MR. DANIELS, COY HAVE A WORD WITH MY CLIENT FOR A SECOND.
>> YEAH, I THINK YOU SHOULD.
>> IS OKAY. I GOT HITS IN ME, I'M STILL THE GAY TUPAC.
>> NOBODY KNOW WHAT'S THAT MEANS.
YOU KNOW WHY THIS STORY IS HARD TO BELIEVE, RIGHT?
>> GREAT. MY OLD MAN DOESN'T BELIEVE ME.
WHAT THE -- >> JUSSIE, WHAT'S THAT?
>> I THINK IT'S A BAG OF CLUES?
>> JUSSIE, NO --
>> THE KILLER LEFT ME A BUNCH OF KILLS.
>> WHAT KILLER? >> YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, JUSSIE.
>> IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I FOUGHT BACK. I'M THE GAY MIKE TYSON.
>> YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN, WE CAN'T KEEP THIS GUY AROUND.
>> LET'S SEE WHAT'S IN HERE FIRST.
CREST WHITESTRIPS, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS?
>> I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK.
RACIAL
>> JUSSIE, STOP. >> THERE'S MORE.
A K. ANOTHER K.
THREE Ks. LIKE WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS?
>> PROBABLY THE KU KLUX KLAN, JUSSIE.
>> REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT WAS A MAN.
>> JUSSIE! >> HAPPENING ON, THERE'S MORE STUFF.
OH, A RECEIPT, I NEED THAT.
CAR KEYS, DEFINITELY NEEDHOSE.
OH, A TELETUBBY. AND IT'S THE GAY ONE!
>> JUSSIE, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
>> I'M TELLING THE TRUTH, I WAS ATTACKED.
>> OKAY. I GUESS WE SHOULD JUST CALL THE POLICE THEN
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, THEY SAID I CAN NEVER CALL AGAIN. THAT'S PART OF THE DEAL
>> JUSSIE, YOU KNOW WE'VE GOT TO RE YOU, RIGHT?
>> WHAT? YOU CAN'T FIRE ME.
I MADE THIS SHOW, MAN! I AIM THE GAY LEE DANIELS.
>> JUSSIE, I'M THE GAY LEE DANIELS.
>> RIGHT. I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME THEN.
>> NO, I'M FIRING. >> OKAY, FINE.
I GUESS I WILL JUST BE ON MY WAY THEN.
>> OH, THAT WAS PRETTY ROUGH. >> YIKES.
>> WELL, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, LEE. >> YEAH. YOU DEFINITELY DID.
>> I JUST HOPE HE GETS THE HELP HE NEEDS.
>> GUYS, OH, MY D. >> OH, COME ON MAN!
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS TIME!
>> JUSSIE, GO HOME!
the duel
MR. ABBETON. MR. EBERLE. CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS.
>> OH, KIND SIRS.
MY AFFECTIONS ARE NOT WORTH THIS QUARREL.
WHATEVER INJURY YOANY MIGHT INCUR CANNOT COMPETE WITH THE WOUND YOU INFLICT UPON MY HEART.
>> LISTEN TO HER GENTLEMAN. NO WOMAN IS WORTH LOSING LIFE AND LIMB OVER.
>> THIS MAN HAS LAID CLAIM TO WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.
AND I WILL HAVE SATISFACTION.
>> I WILL NOT REST UNTIL HIS BLOOD IS SPILLED UPON THIS VERY CROWN.
>> I CANNOT BEAR TO SEE EITHER OF YOU SUFFER EVEN THE SLIGHTEST OF WOUNDS.
>> THEN I SUGGEST YOU LOOK AWAY.
>> DO AS HE SAYS, MY LADY.
>> YOU AGREED UPON THE TERMS.
TEN PACES AND THEN TURN AND FIRE.
MR. ABBETON. >> READY.
>> MR. EBERLE.
>> OH, ARE YOU OKAY? >> OH, MY GOD, SORRY.
>> I THINK HE GOT A LITTLE BIT SHOT.
>> THE ONLY PAIN I FEEL IS SEEING THE TWO MEN I ADORE AT ODDS.
>> WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY BLEEDING. >> IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THEIR SUFFERING.
>> GENTLEMEN, I THINK WE SHOULD GO OVER THE RULES BEGIN.
>> YES. BECAUSE HE WENT EARLY, RIGHT?
>> YES. SOJUSTO BE CLEAR, YOU WILL WALK TEN PACES AND THEN TURN AND SHOOT.
UNDERSTOOD? >> AND WHAT DO I DO?
>> WELL, THE SAME THING. >> AS BEFORE? OKAY.
>> 'TIS BUT A PIN PRICK.
THE ONLY PAIN IS LOVING A WOMAN THAT ANOTHER MAN LOVES.
>> I'M SORRY, MY LADY. I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS GAME.
>> DO NOT GIVE ME A SECOND THOUGHT. I BESEECH YOU, SIR. THINK ONLY OF YOURSELF.
>> OKAY, PERHAPS WE SHOULD ABANDON THE GUNS AND TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND FIGHT.
>> OUR CLOTHES. WHY ARE YOU INVOLVED?
>> WELL, I'M MAD TOO. THIS IS TAKING UP MY WHOLE DAMN DAY.
>> LET'S TRY ONE MORE TIME.
>> I'M JUST GOING TO MOVE YOU HERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. >> SO, THAT WAY I CAN SEE.
>> GENTLEMEN, I'M GOING TO WALK YOU THROUGH THIS. DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.
TAKE ONE STEP -- >> ONE STEP? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO TAKE TEN.
>> ARE WE AT TEN ALREADY? BANG.
>> NO, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO GO BANG ONCE!
>> CURRENTLY THERE ARE TWO BULLETS AND THEY ARE BOUNCING AROUND THE COURTYARD.
I'M SURE I CAN JUST PEEK OUT TO SEE WHAT'S HANNING. HAPPENING.
>> OH, MY LORD. I HATE THIS DAY.
>> THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! HAND ME THAT PISTOL.
>> DO BE CAREFUL. >> WHAT?
>> OH, MY GOD. GIVE THAT BACK.
>> WHY DID YOU DO THAT? >> I'M SORRY, I WAS TRYING SOMETHING.
>> THIS ENDS NOW!
>> MY LADY, YOUR LEGS!
>> MR. EBERLE. MR. ABBETO
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY AND I WILL BE HEARD!
YOU HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH.
>> SHE'S RIGHT. DO YOU FORGIVEE?
>> I DO.
>> NOW GIVE ME THOSE WEAPONS AND LET THE HEALING BEGIN.
>> YEP, THAT'S A HAIR TRIGGER RIGHT THERE.
IT'S USELESS. I'M NEVER GOING TO GET JACKED.
I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE A SCRAWNY DORK.
I'LL NEVER MAKE THE TEAM, NEVER GET THE GIRL,
NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.
>> I DISAGREE TRENT. >> WHOA, WHO ARE YOU?
>> DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME, BRO? I'M YOU IN 10 YEARS AT 25.
>> BUT YOU'RE -- - JACKED? YEAH,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE UP ON MYSE
>> SO I WON'T BE A SCRAWNY LOSER FOREVER? >> DEFINITELY NOT.
YOU'VE GOT A RIPPED BOD, A GREAT JOB, AND EVEN A GIRLFRIEND BUD.
>> I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? >> OH, YEAH, BUD.
>> WHOA, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHO'S MY GIRLFRIEND?
>> I AM! WHAT'S GOOD, BABY? I'M TISCHY.
>> THIS IS TISCHY. YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN 10 YEARS.
>> I'M 47!
>> I'M SORRY. IN 10 YEARS SHE WILL BE MY GIRLFRIEND?
>> OH YEAH, I GIVE MY MAN THAT GOOD GOO GOO.
HE GET THAT BUN BUN ON THE REG.
OLD TISCHY MAKE IT ALL SQUISHY.
>> I'M SORRY, JUST TO BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR.
THIS 47-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
WITH THE BROKEN ARM AND A CAN OF FOUR LOCO
WILL BE MY GIRLFRIEND IN 10 YEARS?
>> YES. SO CHEER UP, THE FUTURE IS LOOKING PRETTY BRIGHT.
>> YEAH. JUST GOING TO GRAB ANOTHER LOCO.
>> PACE YOURSELF BABE, IT'S ONLY 10:00 IN THE MORNING.
SO JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, TRENT.
>> WHY? >> BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME.
>> NO, WHY IS TISCHY MY GIRLFRIEND? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
>> YOU STILL DON'T THINK YOU'RE COOL ENOUGH TO GET A GIRL LIKE TISCHY.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO YOU THINK IS COOL.
>> WAIT, NO, NO! DON'T GO, I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS!
OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH FUTURE ME?
>> HEY, IT'S ME, CAM THORNTON,
THE COOLEST KID IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TEN YEARS FROM NOW.
BACK THEN I WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU BUT NOW YOU'RE MY BOSS.
>> COOL. DO YOU KNOW MY GIRLFRIEND?
>> TISCHY? YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO INTO HER? CAUSE NO ONE AT WORK CAN FIGURE IT OUT.
>> NO, I THOUGHT LIKE MAYBE IN THE FUTURE THAT SORT OF GIRL IS LIKE SUPER DESIRABLE OR SOMETHING?
>> TISCHY? NO MAN, SHE'S CRAZY.
YOU MUST REALLY LOVE HER.
I MEAN, YOU STAYED WITH HER AFTER SHE BURNED DOWN THOSE HOUSE ALL THOSE TIMES.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL THOSE TIMES? >> YOU'LL FIND OUT.
ANYWAY, SEE YOU IN TEN YEARS.
>> WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO!
OH, MY GOD, AM I STUPID INTO THE FUTURE?
WHY ARE YOU SO INTO TISCHY?
>> BECAUSE TISCHY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD, GOOD! GOO GOO.
>>IS GOO GOO? >> NOT WHAT YOU THINK!
>> TISCHY, LIKE WHEN DID WE MEET? >> THE NIGHT YOU GOT BEAT UP.
>> WAIT, WHO BEAT ME UP? >> I DID.
NOW LOOK AT THESE MOVES.
TISCHY DANCE LIKE THIS. WHAT? TISCHY DANCE LIKE THIS. HUH?
TISCHY DANCE LIKE THIS. WOW! TISCHY DANCE LIKE THAT. POW!
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD LISTEN TO MY FUTURE SELF IF HE'S SO INTO TISCHY.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY A W DORK FOREVER.
>> WHO YOU CALLING DORK?
HI THERE, NAME'S TRENT. YOU 20 YEARS OLD NOW.
>> WHOA, I'M STILL IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE.
>> OH YEAH, CAUSE YOU GOT THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.
AND SINCE YOU BELIEVED IN YOURSELF, 35 IS LOOKING PRETTY NICE.
>> IS STILL MY GIRLFRIEND?
>> NO WAY. >> OH, THANK GOD.
>> SHE'S YOUR WIFE. >> WHAT?
>> LOOKS GOOD! YOU PUT A RING ON IT!
>> NO! >> YES.
YOU MARRIED THE ONLY GIRL I EVER KISSED. >> WHAT!
ONLY TISCHY! >> YEAH BABY, I GOT THAT YUMMY POW POW.
>> WAIT, YOUR ARM IS STILL BROKEN?
WHY DO I LIKE YOU? >> CAUSE I GOT THAT GOOD GOO GOO!
WE DO THAT KNOCK KNOCK, AND I OWN SAMSUNG.
>> WAIT, YOU OWN SAMSUNG? >> YEAH, I'M A BILLIONAIRE, BABY!
>> OH, OKAY. NOW I GET IT.
>> YOU THINK I'D DO YOU LIKE THAT? COME ON, MAN!
kremlin
>>> SO WE ARE ALL AGREED THEN, WE MUST SEND MORE TROOPS TO CRIMEA.
GOOD. OKAY. WHAT IS NEXT ON THE AGENDA?
>> PRESIDENT PUTIN, BEFORE WE MOVE ON,
MAYBE YOU HEARD NEWS OUT OF AMERICA?
>> YES. NORTH CAROLINA NOT IN FINAL FOUR OF MARCH MADNESS!
IT'S CRAZY!
>> NO, MR. PSIDE, THE OTHER STORY, THE MUELLER REPORT.
AMERICAN NEWS SAY IT IS FINISHED.
>> AH, DA. I HAVE HEARD OF THIS.
OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS. WE HAVE MUCH TO COVER.
>> JUST ONE MORE MOMENT, SIR,
BECAUSE IN MUELLER REPORT, THEY SAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
HAS DONE NO COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA.
>> OH?
BUT THIS CANNOT BE, CAN IT, SIR?
AMERICAN PRESIDENT HAS WORKED FOR RUSSIA, RIGHT?
GUYS
>> PLEASE, MR. PRESIDT, WE MUST KNOW, DID TRUMP WORK FOR RUSSIA OR NOT?
>> NO -- >> COME ON!
>> HOW COULD THIS BE FOR TWO YEARS NOW?
EVERY AMERICAN NEWSPAPER AND TV COMEDIAN HAS SAID
TRUMP WORKED FOR RUSSIA, THIS IS LIKE OUR BEST MOVE EVER!
>> I LOOKED FORWARD TO REPORT SO MUCH. IT WAS GOING TO BE MUELLER TIME, BABY.
ALL OF THE WORLD WOULD SEE THE POWER OF RUSSIA.
WE WERE SO EXCITED.
>> I WAS PLANNING A PARTY.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.
BUT IS WHAT IS. NOW, PLEASE, LET US MOVE ON.
>> BUT MR. PRESIDENT, WHY DO YOU SAY TRUMP WORKSOR ME?
>> NO, I NEVER SAY THIS. OTHER PEOPLE SAY IT AND I SAID NYET.
>> YEAH BUT YOU SAID IT LIKE NYEAH
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE KGB MOVIE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE BAD '80s MOVIE.
>> SOUNDS LIKE COOL '80s MOVIE TO ME BUT WHATEVER.
THEY ALL ASK ME, YOU WORK IN KREMLIN
IS TRUMP REALLY BLACKMAILED BY PUTIN.
OH, I'M SO COCKY, I'M SAYING, THAT IS CLASSIFIED INTEL, LIKE I'M BIG SHOT.
NOW I LOOK LIKE A HOLE IN AN IRON. THE WORST PART OF AN IRON!
>> BUT IF WE HAD NO BLACKMAIL WHY PRESIDENT TRUMP SAY SUCH NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU?
>> I DON'T KNOW. I THINK HE JUST LIKES ME.
>> BUT WHY? YOU HATE AMERICA.
ALL YOU EVER DO IS TRY TO DESTROY THEIR COUNTRY!
>> I KNOW. I CAN'T FIGURE THIS GUY OUT. HE'S IN MY HEAD!
>> PRESIDENT PUTIN, CHAIRMAN KIM IS HERE TO SEE YOU. >> OF COURSE.
>> CHAIRMAN KIM, WELCOME.
>> Translator: OUR GLORIOUS LEADER WISHES TO GIVE YOU THIS VALUABLE GIFT.
MICHAEL JORDAN ROOKIE CARD SIGNED BY DENNIS RODMAN.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> Translator: BUT GLORIOUS LEADER IS UPSET TO LEARN
THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS NOT WORKING FOR YOU.
>> DO NOT WORRY, RUSSIA STILL HAVE MUCH INFLUENCE OVER AMICA.
WE HAVE INTERNET TROLLS, MANY OTHER THINGS.
>> Translator: OUR GLORIOUS LEADER SAYS VERY IMPRESSIVE, BUT IN A SARCASTIC WAY.
>> ALSO, WE DOT KN EVERYTHING IN THE REPORT YET.
PLUS, MUELLER HANDED OFF A LOT OF STUFF TO THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK.
THAT'S WHERE THE REAL ACTION IS.
>> Translator: GLORIOUS LEADER SAID YOU SOUND LIKE RACHEL MADDOW RIGHT NOW.
HE'S NOW QUESTIONING EVERYTHING.
LIKE DID YOU REALLY POISON THOSE PEOP IN ENGLAND?
>> YES, OF COURSE I POISONED THEM!
>> Translator: GLORIOUS LEADER WONDERS IF YOU ALSO POISONED THAT GUY WHO TURNED BLUE?
>> YES, I POONEDIM TOO. GIVE ME SOME CREDIT. I TURN A LOT OF PEOPLE BLUE!
I DO WHAT MOST PEOPLE THINK. I'M STILL A POWERFUL GUY,
EVEN IF TRUP DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.
>> OH, NO? WELL, HOW ABOUT I POISON YOUR FAMILY,
PUT YOU IN DOG CAGE, DRIVE YOU TO SIBERIA AND BEAT TO YOU DEATH WITH A METAL PIPE.
>> Translator: GLORIOUS LEADER SAYS THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE PUTIN HE KNOWS AND LOVES!
>> THAT'S RIGHT. I'M BACK, BABY!
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TAME IMPALA.
Patience
Has it really been that long?
DID I COUNT THE DAYS WRONG ♪
♪ DID WE JUST GO BACK ALL
ALL THE WAY TO STEP ONE
PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME
EVERY TIME THE SHOW'S UP ♪
♪ SO WHAT YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE
IT AIN'T GIVING UP
JUST GROWING UP IN STAGES ♪
LIVING LIFE IN PHASES
ANOTHER SEASON CHANGES
AND STILL MY DAYS ARE SHAPELESS ♪
♪ I SHOULD BE FLYING STRAIGHT DON'T BE LATE
BECAUSE TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE ♪
♪ I SHOULD BE FLYING STRAIGHT DON'T BE LATE
BECAUSE TIME TAKES FROM EVERYONE ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE
WAITING FOR THE DAY TO COME
TAKE US TO THE PLACE
TAKING US WHERE WE HAVE GONE ♪
♪ PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME
SHOWING UP IN AGES
WHAT YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE
CALL IT GIVING UP ♪
♪ I'M JUST GROWING UP IN STAGES
LAY DOWN N
LIVING LIFE IN PHASES
ANOTHER SEASON CHANGES ♪
♪ AND STILL MY WAYS ARE AIMLESS
GROWING UP IN STAGES
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, THIS WEEK MADE ME FEEL INSANE.
ALL THE PEOPLE I WAS TOLD WERE BAD GUYS ALL GOT AWAY WITH IT.
DONALD TRUMP, JUSSIE SMOLLETT, AND WORST OF ALL, DUKE.
THE BIG STORY, OF COURSE, WAS THAT WHITE O.J. WAS NOT INDICTED FOR COLLUSION
AND THAT ROBERT MUELLER DID NOT REACH A CONCLUSION ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE.
OR, AS WAS REPORTED ON FOX NEWS --
I HAVEN'T SEEN FOX NEWS ANCHORS SMILE LIKE THAT
SINCE I.C.E. AGENTS PULLED INTO A HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT.
SO TRUMP FOUND OUT HE'S NOT GETTING INDICTED IN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
AND I'M SURE THAT HE WAS GRATEFUL THAT IT WAS ALL OVER,
AND HE'S JUST READY TO PUT IT BEHIND HIM AND MOVE ON.
>> ALL OF THE DEMOCRAT POLITICIANS,
THEY HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE.
LOCK
>>OW. IT'S LIKE IF SCROOGE WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING,
DISCOVERED HE HAD A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE,
THEN FOUND TINY TIM AND TOOK A CROWBAR TO HIS GOOD LEG.
>> OH, MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT FOR A SECOND
THAT THE FBI WAS GOING TO LOCK UP THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WAS GUILTY.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M AROUND WHITE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME
AND WHITE PEOPLE HAVE THIS THING I CALL TOXIC OPTIMISM,
WHERE YOU JUST ALWAYS BELIEVE
YOU CAN GET INTO COLLEGE BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER'S AUNT BECKY.
I'M SURE AUNT VIV'S KIDS DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH OPTIMISM.
BLACK PEOPLE JUST ARE NOT THAT OPTIMISTIC.
I SAID THE PHRASE CHECKS AND BALANCES TO A BLACK LADY,
AND SHE ROLLED HER EYES AT ME FOR SO LONG, I THOUGHT SHE FELL ASLEEP.
>> AND NOW THAT THE RUSSIA PROBE IS OVER, FORMER WHE HOE ADVISER AND THE GHOST OF RUSSELL CROWE,
STEVE BANNON, BELIEVES THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL, THE CHAINS AND GO FULL ANIMAL.
MUCH MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING AT THIS WEEK'S RALLY IN MICHIGAN.
TAKE A LOOK.
COLLUSION IS OVER
LITTLE PENCIL-NECK ADAM SCHIFF.
THEY CAME FROM THE VALLEYS. THEY CAME FROM THE MOUNTAINS.
THEY CAME OUT OF THE DAMN RIVERS.
I HAVE A BETTER EDUCATION THAN THEM.
I'M SMARTER THAN THEM.
AND I'M PRESIDENT AND THEY'RE NOT.
I SUPPORT THE GREAT LAKES.
ALWAYS HAVE.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. THEY'RE DEEP. VERY DEEP.
RECORD DEEPNESS, RIGHT?
>> HE'S BACK BE, BABY!
I GUESS HE HAS GONE FULL ANIMAL IN THE SENSE THOSE AREN'T HUMAN SENTENCES.
AND BY THE WAY, HE'S ABSOLUTELY CRUSHING WITH THAT CROWD.
AND YOU KNOW THEY MUST REALLY LOVE HIM, BECAUSE THEY SAT THROUGH THIS OPENING ACT.
>> AND FOR THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ALONE,
MAGA STANDS FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
MICHAEL AVENATTI GOT ARRESTED! MAGA!
SUCKS
IMAGINE BEING A HARD-WORKING MIDWEST TRUMP SUPPORTER
AND HAVING TO LISTEN TO A RICH, SOFT HANDED DUD READ YOU HIS BAD TWEETS FOR 20 MINUTES.
IT'S LIKE PAYING TO SEE METALLICA,
BUT FIRST YOU GOT TO LISTEN TO SOME POEMS BY THEIR KIDS.
>>> ON FRIDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP THREATENED TO CLOSTHE RDER WITH MEXICO NEXT WEEK
SAYING THAT, "WE HAVE RUN OUT OF SPACE TO HOLD MIGRANTS."
OKAY, BUT HEAR ME OUT. WYOMING.
HOW CAN AMERICA RUN OUT OF SPACE? WE STILL GOT TWO DAKOTAS LEFT.
MOOUNTRIES DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE.
>>> FOX NEWS PERSONALITY JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO RETURNED TO TELEVISION TONIGHT
AFTER BEING SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS AFTER CONTROVERSIAL COMMENTS ABOUT A MUSLIM CONGRESSMAN.
HERE TO EXPLAIN IS JEANINE PIRRO.
>> EVENING COLIN. I'M JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO.
AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE ME.T EXACTLY IS GOING ON WITH
>> OKAY. WELL, SO YOU'RE BACK ON FOX. >> THAT'S RIGHT!
THIS MUELLER REPORT COMPLETELY EXONERATED THE PRESIDENT,
AND, THEREFORE, EVERYONE ON THE TRUMP TRAIN.
SO SOMEONE AT FOX NEWS SAID MY NAME INTO A BATHROOM MIRROR THREE TIMES
AND HERE I AM.
AND, COLIN, I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO SAY HI TO MY SUPER FANS OUT THERE.
MEAN, HORNY MEN LAYING ON IN-HOME HOSPITAL BEDS
AND WHITE PRISON GANGS WHO CONTROL THE REMOTE ON SATURDAYS.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT. I CAN HEAR YOU.
>> CAN'T DO, PAL! MOMMA'S GOT ONE VOLUME
AND IT'S THREE CHARDONNAYS DEEP!
AND SO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THE REPORT TOTALLY EXONERATES THE PRESIDENT?
BECAUSE THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S LETTER MADE IT SOUND KIND OF MURKY.
>> IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR! NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION.
THE REPORT CONCLUDES THAT THE PRESIDENT IS
35-YEARS-OLD AND 175 POUN
HE'S GOT THE RUGGED GOOD LOOKS OF BRADLEY COOPER
AND HE SMELLS LIKE STEAK AND COMPLEMENTARY BATHROOM COLOGNE.
AND HE'S A USDA CERTIFIED SEX MACHINE
WHO CAN WAX THAT ASS FROM DUSK UNTIL DAWN.
>> I REALLY DON'T THINK IT SAYS THAT.
ALSO, HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT WHEN NOBODY ACTUALLY READ IT?
>> NO ONE SHOULD READ IT, COLIN.
THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M ASKING ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR
TO TELL THE WORLD THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS INNOCENT.
AND THEN BURN THAT REPORT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.
JUST THROW IT INTO THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
AND SORRY, SHORT ROUND, YOU'RE NOT STOPPING DR. JONES THIS TIME
>> SEE, IT'S THAT TYPE OF COMMENT THAT MAYBE GOT YOU IN TROUBLE.
>> NO, SORRY, COLIN, AFTER THIS THIS MUELLER REPORT,
WE IN TRUMP NATION CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT.
>> YES, I HEARD TRUMP SAY THIS WEEK HE MIGHT COMPLETELY CLOSE THE BORDER WITH MEXICO.
>> WHAT?
>> WOW, ARE YOU OKAY? >> GREAT!
>> OH, I JUST GET SO EXCITED ABOUT TRUMP UNLEASHING --
OH, YEAH!
HE'S GETTING RID OF JUSSIE SMOLLETT AND HE'S BRINGING BACK ROSEANNE!
>> OH, NO. SHE'S GOING TO HAVE HER OWN SHOW CALLED "THE BARR'S."
IT'S ROSEANNE AND WILLIAM BARR ON THE DIRTIEST COUCH YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
AND THEY'RE CALLING THEM LIKE THEY SEE THEM AND THEY'RE TAKING ALL OF THE DAMN AMBIEN THEY WANT PERIOD!
>> AGAIN, I DON'T THINK THAT'S HAPPENING
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, TRUMP SAID HE'S HOPING TO LAUNCH AN INVESTIGATION INTO BOTH OBAMA AND HILLARY --
>> WHAT?
>> JEANINE PIRRO, EVERYONE!
>> WE NEED AN INVESTIGATION!
>>> THIS WEEK APPLE INTRODUCED
A NEW CREDIT CARD AND A NEW STREAMING SERVICE,
ALSO, WHAT THE HELL IS APPLE TRYING TO DO,
THEY ALREADY LISTEN TO EVERYTHING WE SAY AND NOW THEY WANT TO CONTROL OUR MONEY AND WE WATCH?
WHO'S THE CEO OF APPLE NOW, IKE TURNER.
>>> SINGER ALANIS MORISSETTE ANNOUNCED ON INSTAGRAM MONDAY THAT SHE IS PREGNANT.
I GUESS SHE FORGOT TO TAKE HER JAGGED LITTLPILL
>>> NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT GRONKOWSKI
ANNOUNCED HE'S RETIRING AFTER NINE SEASONS.
OH, AS HE CALLS IT, THIS MANY!
>>> A WOMAN IN BANGLADESH
GAVE BIRTH TO TWO THINS, 26 DAYS AFTER EQUIPMENT GIVING HER TO HER FIRST CHILD.
THIS ACCORNG TO HER RA VAGINA SUICIDE NOTE.
>>> POLICE IN FLORIDA SAY THE OWNER OF A PET ZEEBIA
SHOT AND KILLED THE ANIMAL AER ITS ESCAPE AND CLOSURE.
FINALLY ANSWERING THE QUESTION -- WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?
>>> THIS WEEK MARKED THE 10th ANNIVERSARY OF THE SAME-SEX DATING APP GRINDER,
WHICH HAS ALL BUT REPLACED THE OLD WAY OF FINDING DISCREET GAY HOOKUPS, CHURCH CAMPS.
>> AND YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE ZEBRA.
>>> McDONALD'S HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR NEW DIGITAL MENUS AT THEIR DRIVE-THRUS
THAT WILL OFFER CUSTOMERS SUGGESTIONS BASED ON WHAT THEY ORDER.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU ORDER A SALAD, IT WILL SUGGEST YOU STOP KIDDING YOURSELF.
>>> THERE'S A REPORT THAT NICOLAS CAGE IS FILING FOR AN ANNULMENT FOUR DAYS AFTER GETTING MARRIED IN LAS VEGAS.
READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THIS MONTH'S ISSUE OF "THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT."
>>> A MAN IN EUROPE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A ROUTINE PROCEDURE
AND WAS MISTAKENLY GIVEN A CIRCUMCISION INSTEAD.
IT SOUNDS BAD BUT HE'S LUCKY BECAUSE EUROPEANS USUALLY DON'T LEAVE A TIP.
>>> A WOMAN IN UTAH SURVIVED AFTER HER SUV GOT STUCK IN THE SNOW AND MUD FOR NEARLY A WEEK.
HER WOMAN SAID SHE COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT W HER CHILDREN.
HER DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS CHILDREN.
>>> A FASHION COMPANY IS SELLING A PAIR OF WOMAN'S UNDERWEAR MADE OUT OF DENIM FOR OVER $300.
WHICH SOUNDS EXPENSIVE UNTIL YOU REALIZE THEY'RE MADE FROM JAY LENO'S OLD SHIRTS.
>>> EARLIER THIS WEEK TWO FEMALE ASTRONAUTS ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION
WERE SET TO MAKE HISTORY WITH THE FIRST EVER ALL-FEMALE SPACE WALK
BUT IT WAS CANCELED BY NASA BECAUSE THERE WAS ONLY ONE SPACE SUIT THAT COULD FIT A WOMAN.
HERE TO COMMENT IS THE FEMALE ASTRONAUT THAT DID NOT GET TO SPACE WALK, ANN McCLAIN.
>> HI THERE! HELLO! HI.
>> SO THIS HAS GOT TO BE DISAPPOINTING FOR YOU.
>> NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I'M PRACTICAL. I GET IT.
ONLY ONE WOMAN SUIT, SO CHRISTINA DID THE SPACEWALK WITH MY COLLEAGUE NICK
AND THEY SLAMMED INTO STARS AND THEY KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE GOD LOOKING DOWNN TO EARTH
AND ME INSIDE THE WINDOW AND IT'S ALL OKAY.
>> LL, FROM THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE A LITTLE UPSET.
>> NOPE, NOPE.
>> BECAUSE IT'S STILL A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT TO GO TO SPACE.
>> OH, TOTALLY, YES.
I WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE, FLEW 1,600 HOURS,
HELICOPTER
DID 216 MISSIONS IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY.
GOT TWO MASTERS DEGREES IN AEROSPACE AND ENGINEERING.
BUT THE SPACE SHIRT AND PANTS WERE THE WRONG SIZE.
SO UNFORTUNATELY THE DREAM GOTTA DIE AND I'M FINE WITH IT.
>> BUT YOU STILL GOT TO GO TO SPACE.
OUTSIDE THE SHIP
>> YEAH, I GOT TO GO TO SPACE.
CHILL STUFF LIKE BEING SHOT IN THE SKY
FIRE LIKE A CHILI DOG ON FIRE. AND I GOT TO DO ALL OF THE SPACE
BE WIZZING IN MY TUBE AND, Y KNOW, THE BUSINESS OF SPACE.
>> IT'S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE MAD.
I THINK MOST PEOPLE HERE WHO KNOW THAT'S UNFAIR.
>> I'M NOT MAD AT ALL.
I'M NOT MAD. YOU KNOW, THEY CAN MAKE A SPECIAL SPACE SUIT FOR A DOG
OR A SPECIAL SPACE SUIT FOR A MONKEY,
BUT A HUMAN GIRL, ONLY ONE GET TO BE MOON QUEEN.
AND SO, YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY AS HELL!
>> HAPPY AS HELL? REALLY? >> YEAH!
EVEN GOT THE HAPPY TEARS.
AND THE COOL THING ABOUT CRYING IN SPACE, MICHAEL,
IS THAT YOUR TEARS KEEP FLOATING AROUND HOURS AFTER YOU CRY THEM.
>> WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY EXCITING.
WE HAVE THE LIVE FEED FROM THE SPACE WALK RIGHT NOW.
>> WOW, AND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. EXCITED.
>> DO WE HAVE THEM YET?
HEY, GUYS, HOW IS IT GOING OUT THERE?
>> OH, IT'S AMAZING. IT'S TRULY GORGEOUS TO SEE THAT BIG, BLUE MARBLE.
REALLY MAKES MY MULTIPLE TOURS AT PALMER STATION IN ANTARCTICA WORTH IT.
>> AND I'M NICK!
>> I'M SO HAPPY FOR MY FRIENDS!
>> THIS IS MY FIFTH SPACE WALK.
IT'S ALMOST A CHORE AT THIS POINT.
>> OH, I LOVE HEARING THAT!
WOW, BUT TO ALL OF THE LITTLE GIRLS OUT THERE, I JUST WANT TO SAY
YOU CAN ALL BECOME ASTRONAUTS, JUST NOT AT THE SAME TIME.
>> ANN McCLAIN, EVERYBODY! >> IT'S GOOD.
FOR
>> OKAY, EVERYBODY, THANKS FOR JOINING OUR OFFICE COFFEE BREAK.
IT SHOULD BE A QUICK MEETING. I JUST HAVE A FEW ITEMS ON THE AGENDA.
>> ACTUALLY, BEFORE WE JUMP IN, I NOTICED ON THE CALENDAR
I THINK WE'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY IN THE HOUSE.
LOUISE FROM PAYROLL. LET'S GIVE HER A HAND.
>> 85. >> OH, THAT'S A BIG ONE!
ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING FUN TO CELEBRATE? >> YES.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LOUISE?
>> I'M GOING TO GET TOGETHER WITH SOME OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
AND SIT AROUND AT A BIG TABLE
AND TALK ABOUT A LIST OF ITEMS CALLED AN AGENDA.
>> OH, MY GOD, IS THAT THIS? >> UH-HUH.
>> OH, LOUISE, NO, LET'S CELEBRE.
ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT, GUYS? >> YEAH!
>> OKAY, LOUISE, I KNOW YOU LIKE YOGURT. GOT YOU MY YOGURT!
>> OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> ALL RIGHT, LOUISE, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT
SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
>> KISS.
>> WHAT? >> KISS.
>> IS SHE SAYING, "KISS?"
>> LOUISE, ARE YOU SAYING, KISS?
>> KISS.
>> YOU WANT US TO KISS YOU? >> NO.
>> YOU WANT ME TO KISS MARK?
OKAY, MARK AND I ARE BOTH MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE.
>> OH, YEAH?
KISS.
>> LOUISE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO KISS.
>> MAYBE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. >> OH, OKAY.
YOU AND YOU KISS.
>> WE'RE ALSO NOT GOING TO KISS.
>> OKAY, BUT MAYBE YOU KISS?
>> NO, LOUISE, I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE. OKAY, WE NEED TO STOP.
>> OKAY.
>> GOD, SHE LOOKS SO SAD. >> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. WE SHOULD PROBABLY KISS.
>> NO, I'M NOT CHEATING ON MY HUSBAND FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
EVERYONE I EVER KNEW WAS DEAD SO MAYBE KISS.
>> THAT MUST BE HARD, LOUISE.
>> DOCTOR SAYS I'M DYEING TOMORROW, SO
PROBABLY O TO MAYBE KISS.
>> YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW THAT.
>> I DON'T KNOW. IT COULD BE KIND OF COOL IF WE KISSED.
>> COOL HOW?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, LOUISE.
BRIAN -- >> YEAH, SURE.
>> NOT HOT.
MAKE IT FRENCH, TONGUE.
A WET KISS.
>> NOT HOT, LOUISE? WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN HERE?
>> OKAY. TAKE NOTES, PLEASE.
HIM AND HER, HIM AND HIM.
THAT GIRL, THAT GIRL, CUP A KISS.
YEAH, THREE-WAY, I'M UNDERNEATH LOOKING UP.
CHEVY CHEST AND PILLOW MOUSE
AND THEN A SIX-WAY SPIDER-MAN.
>> LOUISE, ENOUGH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT CLIPBOARD
OR WCH O OF US IS CHAPPIE CHAPS BUT WHAT'S UP WITH THE KISSING?
>> COME HERE, ANGELA, DON'T BE AN ASS.
ANGIE, TO WATCH A KISS,
ONE KNOWS THERE'S STILL HOPE IN THIS WORLD.
YOU'RE A PRETTY GIRL WITH A DYNAMITE MOUTH, I WANT YOU TO LIVE, LAUGH,
LOVE, KISS!
>> OH, MY GOD, SHE'S GONE. >> LOUISE!
>> OH, THIS POOR WOMAN, SHE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO GET A FUNERAL.
>> THEY'RE GOING TO STRIP HER FOR PARTS.
>> HER LICENSE SAYS ORGAN DONOR BUT IT'S JUST HER LIPS.
>> WAIT, IT ALSO SAYS HER IT'S NOT HER BIRTHDAY.
>> WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL KISS TO HONOR HER?
>> WHAT DO WE SAY? FOR LOUISE?
>> KISS! >> KISS!
>>> THANK YOU.
>> OKAY, I'LL SEND YOU WHAT I OWE YOU RIGHT NOW.
>> WITH SERVICES LIKE VENMO AND APPLE PAY, THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO SEND MONEY IN AN INSTANT.
>> JUST GOT IT RIGHT NOW, THANKS.
>> WHILE CONVENIENCE IS GREAT, DON'T FORGET, THERE'S ALSO --
>> CHEQUES.
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE FURIOUSLY SCRIBBLING ON A PIECE OF PAPER,
CARRYING IT, FLICKING YOUR WRIST AND SAYING,
I TRUST THIS WILL SUFFICE.
>> USE CHEQUES FOR ALL YOUR PAYMENT NEEDS.
INCLUDING, MAKING HIM LEAVE YOUR DAUGHTER.
>> TAKE THIS. TAKE THIS AND NEVER COME BACK!
DON'T PICK UP HER CALLS.
SHE WILL BE HEARTBROKEN BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
HUSHING MILDRED
>> FORGET WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU SAW LAST NIGHT BY THE GAZEBO.
>> USE CHEQUES FOR THINGS LIKE PETER'S BIRTHDAY.
>> FOR TAKING MY RINGS OFF AT NIGHT.
>> BUYING POISON.
>> JUST ONE P AND I BECOME HEAD OF THE BOARD.
>> BEST OF ALL, CHEQUES ARE EASY.
>> HERE -- WHAT DAY IT IS. HERE -- HIS NAME.
HERE -- HOW MUCH. HERE -- THE SAME BUT IN LETTERS.
AND HERE IS THE SECRET.
>> A CHEQUE IS DRAMA. A CHEQUE IS A PROMISE.
GET THEM IN BASEBALL, DAFFY DUCK OR MICHIGAN STATE.
AND MAKE SURE TO ADD THE DASH AFTER THE AMOUNT
OR GOD KNOWS HOW MANY ZEROS THEY'LL ADD.
>> AVAILABLE AT RIDGEWOOD SAVINGS BANK.
ROOTS
>>> WHAT'S UP? LYLE WOODS COMING AT YOU THROUGH THE MAGIC OF THE AIRWAVES.
ROOTS OF
WHAT A WILD RIDE IT'S BEEN.
TONIGHT WE LOOK AT UNSUNG PIONEER BLUES.
HIDIA MAY WAS THE MUSE OF MEMPHIS.
SHE GOT HER FIRST PIANO FROM AN ABANDONED CHRYSLER IMPERIAL.
US
IN 1966 SHE WAS INVITED TO PERFORM ON THE BRITISH POP SHOW WING DIG.
FEATURED
THAT FOOTAGE WAS NEVERILABLE UNTIL NOW.
CHECK IT OUT.
ON MY FEET
SWEET
♪ ELECTRIC SHOES THAT MAKE THE MOVES,
ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
♪ THEY'RE GONNA ROCK YOU ♪
MY ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
JARVIS FILLMORE,
JARVIS
♪ ELECTRIC SHOES MOVE
GROOVE SHOES
WHAT I GOT
ON SHOES
THEY'RE SO TIGHT
MY ELECTRIC SHOES!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> JUST BRILLIANT! JARVIS FILLMORE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
HE WAS A TRIP, WASN'T HE?
>> INCREDIBLE. YOU'RE BRILLIANT, MATE
>> LOVE YOU, DOLL! >> INDEED. VERY, VERY NICE.
NOW WE HAVE AN ARTIST --
>> HE'S STILL GOING!
♪ I'M OVER HERE ♪
NOW I'M OVER HERE
NOW I'M RIGHT HERE BEE I'M SO QUICK ♪
♪ AND I'M SO SLICK BECAUSE I GOT ELECTRIC ELECTRIC ELECTRIC ELECTRIC SHOES
THAT MAKE YOU MOVE ♪ GROOVE
THIN
MY ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU!
>> JARVIS FILLMORE.
♪ ELECTRIC ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
MOVE GROOVE
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> JARVIS FILLMORE PLAYED 17 ENCORES THAT NIGHT.
BUT IF ANYONE COULD FOLLOW HIM, IT WAS IDA MAY AVERY.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS A PRIVILEGE
TO HAVE AN AMERICAN BLUES ARTIST WITH US.
SHE'S GOT A POWERFUL SONG DELIVER US TO THE MOUNTAINTOP.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
THEY MAKE YOU MOVE THEY MAKE YOU GROOVE ♪
YOU NEVER FOOL ♪
♪ THEY'RE GONNA SOCK YA MAYBE EVEN SHOCK YA
♪ ELECTRIC SHOES THEY ARE NEW
THEY SHINY TOO ILLUMINATED ♪
OH, MY ELECTRIC SHOES ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! GOOD NIGHT!
>> TREMENDOUS! JARVIS FILLMORE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
NOW, WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR --
>> POWER UP, POWER UP, POWER UP! POWER, POWER, POWER!
♪ POWER ELECTRIC SHOES ELECTRIC SHOES
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
>> UNFORTUNATELY, IT TOOK OTHER TWO HOURS
FOR IDA MAY AVERY TO FINALLY GET TO PERFORM
AFTER JARVIS FILLMORE SUFFERED WHAT DOCTORS CALLED
BLOWING OUT ONE OF HIS BALLS.
WE'LL HAVE THAT FOOTAGE ON THE NEXT SHOW.
KEEP IT WEIRD, PEOPLE.
♪ ELECTRIC SHOES YOU NEVER LOSE
I'M HERE 15 YEARS LATER ♪
>>> ONCE AGAIN, TAME IMPALA.
Borderline
♪ CALLING IN YOUR LOVE CALLING IN YOUR LOVE
It's time for something
I WAS IN FOR LONG ♪
♪ I WAS IN FOR LONELY NIGHTS FOR ONE THING
WE'RE ON THE BORDERLINE
ON THE BORROWED TIME ♪ ♪ WE'VE WASTED ONE DAY
POSSIBLY A SIGN
I'M GONNA HAVE THE STRANGEST NIGHT ON SUNDAY ♪
♪ THERE I GO
QUITE A SHOW FOR A LONER IN L.A.
ASKIN' HOW I MANAGED ♪ ♪ TO END UP IN THIS PLACE
AND COULT GET AWAY
WE'RE ON THE BORDERLINE ♪
♪ RIGHT BETWEEN THE TIDES OF PAIN AND RAPTURE
THEN I SAW THE TIME WATCHED IT SPEEDING BY
LIKE A TRAIN LIKE A TRAIN
WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED ♪
♪ IS THERE ONE THAT I TRUST
STARTING TO SOBER UP
HAS IT BEEN LONG ENOUGH ♪
♪ WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED
ANY CLOSER CLOSE ENOUGH
I'M A LOSER LOOSEN UP ♪
♪ SETTING FREE MUST BE TOUGH
WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED
IS THERE ONE ♪ ♪ THAT I TRUST
IN THIS ROOM ROOM FOR DOUBT
AS WITHIN AS WITHOUT ♪
♪ WILL I BE SO IN LOVE
ANY CLOSER IS CLOSE ENOUGH M
♪ SHOUT OUT TO WHAT IS DONE
RIP HERE COMES THE SUN ♪
♪ CALLING IN YOUR LOVE CALLING IN YOUR LOVE
INSIDE FOR SOMETHING
CAN WE GO OUTSIDE ♪
♪ NEED TO VITALIZE AND WAIT FOR SOMETHING
DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT
DO YOU WONDER WHY ♪ ♪ THEY AIN'T RESPONDING
THINGS THEY COINCIDE OH AS WE GO INSIDE OH NO
AND I COULDN'T GET AWAY ♪
♪ WE'RE ON THE BORDERLINE
GETS ME EVERY TIME
THESE CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
JUST TO KNOW I CAN ♪
♪ ONCE AGAIN I AM ALONE
WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED
IS THERE ONE THAT I TRUST ♪
♪ STARTING TO SOBER UP
HAS IT BEEN LONG ENOUGH
WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED ♪
♪ ANY CLOSER CLOSE ENOUGH
I'M A LOSER LOOSEN UP
SETTING FREE MUST BE TOUGH ♪
♪ WILL I BE KNOWN AND LOVED
IS THERE ONE THAT I TRUST
IN THIS ROOM ♪ ♪ ROOM FOR DOUBT
AS WITHIN AS WITHOUT
WILL I BE SO IN LOVE ♪
♪ ANY CLOSER IS CLOSE ENOUGH
SHOUT OUT TO WHAT IS DONE
RIP HERE COMES THE SUN ♪
AS YOU KNOW YOUR S.A.T.2s ARE THIS WEEKEND AND LET'S REVIEW.
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THE METAPHOR IS IN FRANZ KAFKA'S METAMORPHOSIS?
ANYONE? NOBODY?
HOW ABOUT YOU, MISS CLARK.
>> I GUESS IT'S LIKE ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP, AND EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE.
NO MORE PLAYING WITH DOLLS. NOW IT'S DRINKING WITH BEER.
PLUS SOMEONE WROTE SLUT ON YOUR LOCKER WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN KISSED A BOY,
AND YOU JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO HOW THINGS WERE,
BUT THINGS DIDN'T CHANGE, YOU DID.
>> OKAY, PRETTY CLOSE, BUT THE ANSWER WAS C, COCKROACH.
A QUICK RINDE THE S.A.T. 2s ARE MULTIPLE CHOICE AND WHAT YOU JUST SAID WILL NOT FIT ON A SCANTRON.
>> THANKS. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD BECOME A WRITER.
>> NOT WHAT I SAID, BUT OKAY.
MOVING ON, WHO WANTS TO TELL ME WHAT THE LION SYMBOLIZES IN JULIUS CAESAR?
>>R. RAMANO? >> ALL RIGHT. I'LL PLAY YOUR LITTLE GAME.
SO YOU'RE A GUY, RIGHT, AND YOU AND YOUR MY FRIENDS,
Y'RE LIKE BROTHERS. YOU DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
BREAK INTO HOUSEBOATS, DRINK AND FIGHT, CUSS IN MY TRUCK.
AND ONE DAY THEY STAB YOU IN THE BACK.
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL DROP OUT, FORGET ABOUT COLLEGE.
YOU'RE GOING TO TOILET SCHOOL.
>> TOILET SCHOOL LIKE TO BECOME A PLUMBER/. >> OKAY, FINE, I DI'T RD IT.
>> WELL, WHY NOT? >> BECAUSE I CAN'T READ!
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?
I CAN SEE THE LITTLE SQUIGGLES, BUT I CAN'T MAKE THEM MAKE SOUND!
>> HEY, THAT'S CALLED DYSLEXIC. I COULD TEACH YOU.
>> I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY.
>> HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
REMEMBER THE NIGHT BY THE FOOTBALL HOUSE WHEN YOU SHOWED ME WHAT STARS WERE?
>> OF COURSE I DO. THAT'S THE NIGHT I MESSED AROUND WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. MY MOM.
>> OKAY. THERE'S A LOT GOING ON IN THIS CLASS, BUT I'M A SUB.
SO I'M JUST GONNA KICK THIS CAN DOWN THE ROAD.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT WE GO OVER SOME NICE, COLD MATH.
THERE'S NOTHING EMOTIONAL THERE.
BRETT, WHAT'S THFORMULA FOR A PARABOLA?
>> ALL RIGHT, PARABOLA. SO YOU START OFF, AND EVERYTHING IS ALL UP, UP AND AWAY.
YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
NUMBER ONE IN THE FOOTBALL TEAM! MAJOR LEAGUES, BABY!
NO BACKUP PLAN.
AND THEN YOU START FALLING,
BANG! HARD!
AND YOU END UP IN -- YOU END UP IN A PLACE
THAT LOOKS A HELL OF A LOT LIKE WHERE YOU STARTED.
>> NONE OF THAT WAS MATH, AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
>> HEY, MRS. H, I FINISHED MY PRACTICE TT. CAN I GO?
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO DO A BIG EMOTIONAL SPEECH FOR US?
>> NO, I'M GOOD.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE GOOD.
BECAUSE MY OLD MAN USED TO BEAT MY ASS.
YES, SIR! NO,
>> OKAY ENOUGH.
YOU KIDS THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS,
I'M NOT EVEN A REAL TEACHER!
I JUST FILL INOTHER TEACHERS HAVE BABIES OR HANGOVERS.
IT'S LIKE I DON'T EXIST.
AND I CONVINCED MY HUSBAND TO OPEN UP OUR MARRIAGE,
AND NOW HE'S CLEANING UP, AND I CAN'T GIVE IT AWAY!
>> WOW, I GUESS I LEARNED A LOT TODAY.
BUT THE THING I LEARNED THE MOST WAS EACH OTHER!
>>> THANKS TO TAME IMPALA, ALEC BALDWIN AND ROBER DE NIRO,
AND THANK YOU TO THE "SNL" CAST AND CREW.
LAWRENCE, THE CANADIAN, THANK YOU FOR ONE OF THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!
AND GOOD NIGHT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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