欢迎加入你最爱的超级英雄 Welcome to the glamorous life
的美好生活中 Of your favorite superhero.
"他这是自嘲吗?" 你问 "is he being sarcastic?" you ask.
没错. 就是自嘲 Yes. Yes he is.
往常来说一切都很不错 Normally I have it great.
超酷的能力, 超酷的队友 Got the cool powers, the cool team,
最酷的生活 The coolest life possible.
但今天, 呃, 我一分钱也没有 But today, ugh, I've got zero cash,
还有一整天激烈的训练等着我 A grueling day of training ahead,
另外-- And--
我浑身连同蛛网都湿透了 And I'm soaked to my webs.
唉, 有时候当我真是没劲-- Ah, sometimes it just isn't fun to be me--
无聊! boring!
眼睛朝我这儿看, 小猪猪 Focus your eyeholes on this, spudley.
一场功夫盛宴. A kung fu fiesta. Arriba-san!
内裤套头成就达成 double wedgie achievement unlocked.
对了. 把礼貌给忘了 Dang skippy. Where are my manners?
自我介绍 Introductions.
叫我死侍 Call me deadpool.
和"不上学""太酷""不是傻瓜"押韵 It rhymes with "no school," "too cool," "ain't no fool,"
还有"我干这行最拿手." And "I'm the best that there is at what I do--ool."
继续说 Moving on.
我在执行一个寻找模仿大师秘密总部的任务 I'm on a mission to find the secret hq of taskmaster.
这些小丑们的幕后头头 The big boss for these cheese clowns.
最好没有什么胆敢阻挡我的去路 And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way.
比如一打插在背上的剑? What, like the dozen swords in your back?
我背上才没有剑-- I don't have swords in my--
恶心. 我要去吐了 Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.
哈, 看来得留疤了 Huh, that's gonna leave a mark.
慢着. 不会. 我有自愈因子 Oh wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor.
耶我! yay me!
且待我把这些锅贴 'scuse me while I pull these pot stickers
从我的脾里拿出来揍他们 Out of my spleen and knock some heads.
死侍, 完毕 Deadpool, out.
嘿, 你们去哪了? Hey, where'd you guys go?
蜘蛛侠臭不可闻! Spider-man stinks!
应该是终极死侍! it's ultimate deadpool!
耶. 你被我侍了, 喀嚓 Yeah. You got 'pooled.
嘿, 蛛网脑袋 Hey, web-head.
哇, 你好臭啊 Wow, you stink.
我也听说了 So I've heard.
就仿佛我背上整天都挂着个靶子 It's like I've had a target on my back all day.
想要训练先当靶子 Last at training, first at bat.
蜘蛛感应响--不好 Spider-sense tingle--uh-oh.
表现不好. 进行20分钟训练 Not impressed. 20 minute course run.
其他人休息5分钟 everyone else take five.
愚蠢的机器人 Stupid robots.
愚蠢的神盾训练--啊! Stupid shield training--aah!
还能更糟一点吗? Could this get any worse?
弗里的弱智训练效果相当显著 fury's stupid program was totally worth it.
我跟你们讲, 坚持下去 I'm telling ya', stick with it
呯, 乓, 刹啪 And bam, pow, shabang,
你们俩也许某天就能打败半个拉托维尼亚军队 You too might someday defeat half the latverian army.
就像我一样, 我肯定你们听说过 Like I did, as I'm sure you've heard.
另外, 我给毁灭博士画了胡子 Plus, I 'stached doctor doom.
你? 给毁灭博士画胡子? You? 'stached doctor doom?
瞧 Check it.
我要毁灭你们 I will crush you.
把你们全都毁灭! Crush. You. All!
你们笑什么? Why are you laughing?
我脸上有什么东西吗? Do I have something on my face?
死侍! Deadpool!
我最想念你的笑声, 白虎 I missed your laugh the most, tiger.
我可是说真的哦 And I mean that for realsies.
好基友一辈子, 好么? Bff's, 'kay?
呃, 有人闻到烤虫子的味道吗? Ugh, anyone smell barbecued bug?
我这一天过得很不顺利 It's been kind of a rough day.
我--完全烤熟了! I'm-- extremely ripe!
来. 专为蜘蛛设计, 但是也够人用了 Here. Strong enough for a man, but made for a spider.
你就是弗里的新宠了 So you're fury's newest guppy.
节肢动物男孩, 对吧? 超粉你的, 超粉的 Arachni-boy, right? Big fan, big fan.
我看过你在"超级英雄出洋相"上面的所有视频 I follow all your flops on "superhero fails."
什么? What?
啊, 你真是金牌笑料, 我的朋友 ah, you are comedy gold, my friend.
至少也是麦片牌笑料. 至于我, 你已经知道了 Or at least comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know,
我是死侍 I'm deadpool.
一级棒的超级英雄至尊 Superhero supreme with a side of bam.
很高兴看到你继承了我的主色调 Nice to see you kept my color scheme
在你做这身制服的时候. 我难道, 是你的偶像吗? When you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol?
从来没听说过你. 衣服是我自己设计的 Never heard of you. I designed this costume myself.
当然啦. 黑白的眼部, 红色的衣服 Sure. Black and white eyes, red suit.
不过你这是纵横填字主题的衣服吗 Though you made it your own with the crossword theme.
哦等等. 蛛网! 这是蛛网 Oh wait. Webs! Those are webs.
没有口袋不过. 你需要口袋 No pouches though. You need pouches.
说到口袋提醒我了 Which reminds me why I'm here.
得用一下小家伙的电脑 Gotta' use the little boys' computer.
谁给我解释下. 现在 Someone explain. Now.
新星算了 not nova.
死侍曾经和我们一起接受训练 Deadpool used to train with us.
他在你来这儿之前刚刚退出弗里的英雄计划 He left fury's hero program right before you got here.
他有自己的节奏 He follows his own drummer.
而且他的节奏十分响亮 And man, his drummer drums loud.
他现在是梦想成真了 Now he's living the dream.
随心所欲的超级英雄 A freelance hero.
好玩, 自由, 以自己的方式打击犯罪 Fun, freedom, and fighting crime however he wants.
死侍是最棒的. 最棒的 Deadpool is the best. The best.
每个人都爱他 Everybody loves him.
每个人? 包括弗里? Everybody? Even fury?
如果我有儿子, 我希望他能像你一样 if I had a son, I'd want him to be just like you.
拿着, 给你个眼罩 Here, have an eye-patch.
是真的. 尼克收养了我 It's true. Nick totally adopted me.
我有证明文件. 还有眼罩 I have papers. And the eye patch.
我戴在面罩下面 I wear it under my mask.
你怎么会在我脑子里? How are you in my head?
也许我不在 Maybe I'm not.
而是你在我脑子里 You're in my head.
我让你大开眼界了没有? Am I blowing your mind yet?
你这是来参加同学会, 死侍? Why the alumni visit, deadpool?
长话短说, 这个坏家伙, 麦高芬探员 Long story short, this bad dude, agent macguffin,
偷走了加密的神盾档案 Swiped encrypted shield files with the secret identities
里面是每个超级英雄的秘密身份. 包括我! Of every known hero. Including mine!
还有你的. 和她的 And yours. And hers.
以及他的. 他的. 还有他的 And his. And his. And his.
那可麻烦了 That's huge.
我们应该着手调查这个案子. 为什么弗里不告诉我们? We should be on that case. Why didn't fury tell us?
据说是弗里把他的神盾平板电脑 Word is that fury left his shield tablet
落在了酒店浴室里 In a hotel bathroom.
所以你能明白他为什么他不想扯上关系 So you can see why he'd want to be discrete.
听着, 我同意帮忙即使弗里和我 Now, see I agreed to help even though fury and me
平时并看不上对方 Don't always see eye to eye.
你们懂我的意思吗? Now, do you get that?
眼对眼? 看不到! Eye to eye? Eye to eye!
恩, 懂么? Hm, get it?
我也爱说关于眼睛的笑话 Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
另外你也知道弗里有多忙 Plus, you know how busy fury is.
我相信他正在做什么重要的事情 I'm sure he's doing something important
就在我们说话的时候 As we speak.
死侍 Deadpool.
找到你了 Gotcha.
好吧, 既然我已经得到了想要的东西 Well, since I've got all the info I need
关于麦高芬, 那个混蛋 About agent macguffin, that creep,
我想是时候回去继续我的趣味人生了 I figure it's time to get back to all the fun of being me.
蜘蛛侠, 回来训练 Spider-man, back to training.
我这儿有20个等着你搞定的神盾机器人呢 I got 20 new shield-bots with your name on 'em.
要我说, 我和你一起去如何? Here's a thought, how about I come with you?
给老牌小蜘蛛帮忙? Shadow the old spidey?
是新版死侍 The first deadpool.
随便什么了. 这个麦高芬情况严重 Yeah, whatever. This macguffin thing is serious.
而对于毕业英雄还是什么的 And hero graduate or other,
我认为你需要一些援助 I think you could use some backup.
而且老实说, 就现在看来 And, to be honest, at this exact moment
你的生活听起来比我的酷多了 Your life sounds way cooler than mine.
啊, 你想跟我拜师学艺 Ah, you seek to learn from the master.
今天起你就是个男人了 Today, you become a man.
蜘蛛-男 A spider-man.
回见, 兄弟们 See ya, peeps.
小蜘蛛要被侍了 Spidey's about to get 'pooled.
死侍来这里了吗? 他有没有拿走什么东西? Is deadpool here? Did he take anything?
你一定是开玩笑 you've got to be kidding me.
你拥有自己的私人飞机? You have your own personal jet?
没错. 是托尼·斯塔克送的礼物 Yup. It was a present from one tony stark.
他从来没送我飞机 He never gave me a jet.
说真的, 超级英雄之间的对话 Seriously, from one super dude to another,
你的秘密是什么? What's your secret?
起源故事时间! Origin story time!
自打我记事起 ever since I can remember,
我就一直都是个斗士 I've always been a fighter.
我怎么会在你的起源故事里? how am I in your origin story?
不要质疑伟大的我 don't question greatness.
貌似是基因工程还是什么的 It was like genetic engineering or whatever.
社会课上我没怎么认真听讲 I didn't pay attention in social studies.
我只做了半分钟的普通小孩 I was a normal baby for 30 seconds.
忍者就拐走了我妈妈 Then ninjas stole my mama.
尼克·弗里看到了我的优秀, 招揽了我 Nick fury saw my awesome, took me in,
给我灌输正义的甜蜜乳汁 Suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.
你很善于倾听. 我喜欢你 You're a good listener. I like you.
给你点建议. 甩了弗里. 单干, 像我一样 Some advice, ditch fury. Go freelance, like me.
没规矩, 更开心也有钱赚 No rules, more fun and money.
许多钱 Lotsa' money.
慢着. 你有钱拿? Wait. You get paid?
我被机器人电击, 而你有钱拿 I get zapped by robots, and you get paid.
单飞英雄听起来真不错 Freelance hero sounds pretty good.
啊哦! 来人了 Uh-oh! Dots.
啊, 背包喷射器! 呸呸 aah, jetpacks! Jinx.
如果怀疑的一样 As I suspected.
麦高芬探员把神盾秘密 Agent macguffin is selling shield secrets
卖给了邪恶的邪恶势力. 我有个计划 To evil forces of evil. I have a plan.
计划? Plan?
自由发挥. 是我的最爱 Improvisation. It's my jam.
哦, 尖叫比赛. 啊! Oh, a screaming contest. Aah!
告诉你我有计划吧 Told ya' I had a plan.
啦啦啦啦 la, la, la, la.
来得容易去得容易 Easy come, easy go.
我押韵啦 I rhymed.
太奇怪了 So weird.
这些家伙和模仿大师长得好像 These guys look a lot like taskmaster.
坏家伙 bad dude.
他能复制任何人的打斗风格 He can copy anyone's fighting style
仅仅通过观察他们 Just by watching them.
曾经试图招募我 Tried to recruit me once.
胡子 'stache.
你怎么总这样? How do you keep doing that?
- 不好 - 唔, 闪闪的 - Uh-oh. - Oh, shiny.
那是什么东西? What is that?
你能看到我的蜘蛛感应? You see my spidey-sense?
是我大脑发出来的, 提醒我危险的存在 It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.
我出一千美元买你的脑子 I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.
等等. 危险? Wait. Danger?
这一定会很疼. 呸呸 this is gonna' hurt. Jinx.
吃我手雷! Grunt of effort!
Hey, I'm still falling.
Dude, what kind of plan was that?
If it weren't for my trusty web-shooters,
I'd be bug paste right now.
Ah, so "by the book."
But if you're gonna' go freelance
You have to learn to live a little, spidey.
Aim for the leafy parts. Foliage is your friend.
Oh, our landings were so different.
I think I've had enough of you.
Shh--hush, little hero.
Luxuriate in the beat of your heart,
The feeling you might puke if someone offered you
Fish sticks.
Steaming hot.
I have gum!
I'm starting to rethink this little field trip.
Just tell me what your plan is.
We go into that compound, find agent macguffin,
Snag the list,
Then un-alive taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?
Wait, un-alive them?
Yeah, yeah here's the thing,
I can't really say the k-word out loud.
It's a weird mental tick.
But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear,
Sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them.
K-word? You mean you want to kill them?
Whoa, yeah,
That does sound bad when you say it out loud.
And yes, we're going to un-alive them.
We can't un-alive them.
We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
I said no.
Boy you've got a short fuse.
Me too!
Huh? Run!
Break dancing. Ow!
What's your hang up, webs?
see how I did that?
"webs" and "hanging?"
Yeah, I saw what you did.
You tried to blow those guys up.
Ugh, guilt over a little spilt guts?
I used to be the same.
I bet you have a little angel on your shoulder
Telling you un-aliving someone is bad.
psst, that's shield brainwashing 101.
You wanna' earn the big bucks?
Ditch the rules for once.
You're not a freelance hero.
You're a mercenary.
You'll do anything for money. Well, forget it.
Okay, prince goody-two-webs.
That's cool. Righteous...
But the bad guys ain't gonna return the favor.
Ow?
Eh, whatevs. You know,
I got a healing factor that makes wolverine go like,
"uh, I wish I had deadpool's healing factor, bub."
It's all in my origin story.
Once, a nerdy little kid
Fell into a radioactive swimming pool.
And he emerged with incredible powers.
enough.
spider-man.
Nice of you to finally visit my school.
Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants.
We've come for the list of shield agents, taskmaster.
And for agent macguffin.
We who?
Me and dead-- deadpool!
Deadpool is here?
What?
Boogity-boo!
did you miss me?
You. You're out of your mind to come here.
I will destroy you.
Dude, how--
Taskmaster can copy your moves just by watching you fight.
Uh, maybe your moves, binky.
Check it.
How do you like this? Wa-hoo!
Set the body to "stun."
Gonna catch ya'. Gonna catch ya'!
What I tell ya'? What I tell ya'?
I said I'd get ya'. Uh-huh.
Shaking my milkshake. Oh yeah.
Shake it back and forth. Uh-huh, you know it.
You love it. Uh!
Uh-huh.
Open up wide, tasky.
no!
You know, sometimes you are just no fun.
We'll discuss our definitions of "fun" later.
Let's get this shield drive out of here
Before anyone's secret identity gets revealed.
Oh wait, wait. I want to watch this one.
Nope.
Oh, come on. I thought we bonded.
Wait, let me guess. You're aaron applebaum.
Aaron astin. Aaron atwater!
Are you just going to keep yelling names from "a" to "z"
Until you guess?
No.
Barry barrington!
You're not well.
I know.
Oh, cool. What's that?
I'm gonna call shield so they can pick up the file
And taskmaster.
Oops! You broke it.
Hey! What'd you do that for?
oh, spider-man.
If you'd studied with me instead of fury
You might not be so naive.
Who do think I stole
The identity list from in the fist place?
Agent macguffin?
Heh. Confession time.
Yeah, it was me.
You?
And there is no agent macguffin. [laughs]
And also I stole the list from shield,
But taskmaster swiped it from me
When I left my pouches in the potty.
What?
Dude, couldn't help it. I had indian food.
My legs went numb I was in there so long.
You stole the list? Why?
to sell it, silly. Ca-ching!
I tell you what,
Ditch fury and I'll cut you in for 10%.
We'll be a team. But I get top billing.
So, we're gonna fight, then?
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay... Boom.
Seriously?
I hate you, deadpool.
I know you mean "love."
Whoa, don't break that. That's a collector's item.
Are you out of your mind?
Totally. But I know that list
Is going to make some super villain very happy.
And that's gonna make me very rich.
So hand it over and I'll only
Partially un-alive you.
Yikes.
[both] huh?
Duck!
No, piranhas!
Aah!
They're so bitey.
Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else.
Booby traps.
you said, "traps."
I can't believe I actually looked up to you.
You're just as bad as taskmaster.
Sometimes.
And sometimes I'm bad for money, sometimes I'm good for money.
As long as I'm having fun with said money,
I make my own rules. What was that?
You can't just do whatever you want
Without the consequences.
That's how people get hurt.
Ugh, come on, you sound just like fury.
Except not as cool.
It'll help if I pop out your eye.
You're good... For a total psycho.
Oh goody, oh, it's the insult game, okay.
They should call you "elevator operator"
'cause you're bringing me down.
Or "tonsils"
'cause you're a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!
Lame. Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head."
Ah, what a swellegant idea.
But it'll look a lot funnier
In my imagination.
What?
Spider-man,
Go soak your head.
Stop doing that. You can't attack me with puns.
Puns and bullets and pointy things. Yes I can.
I'm running the show now.
And this is just the tip of the spear.
This fight is getting fishy.
Smooth moves, but I gotta' give you the hook.
You can't just string this along.
Arr, fancy meeting you here, me wee squiggly spider.
Huh?
Fun house!
More like a mad house.
You're getting a kick out of this, aren't you?
Fight me any way you want. You're not getting that list.
Welcome to the funny farm. Where you belong.
don't count your chickens just yet.
Aah!
I can fantasy fight 'til the cows come home.
Ow. Ow ow ow. Sue-wee! Ow.
Oh, I walked into that one. Ow.
Don't you ever take anything seriously?
Your shield training? Fury's rules? Responsibilities?
Forget shield. Forget rules.
Forget that these shiny sticks are swords and hop right on.
There's one rule I'll never forget.
I'm throwing the book at you.
Oh, see I knew you had a pouch.
Copycat!
with great power,
Comes great responsibility.
Ugh, that's not very clever.
Or funny--
Eh, I mastered "fantasy fu."
Morality, ha!
You know, we don't all have the luxury of morals.
Have I told you my origin story?
Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth?
You can't handle the truth.
Really?
Fine.
So once there was a kid,
A weird, special kid.
And his life was a toilet.
Maybe somebody treated him badly.
Maybe he got hurt by bad people.
So maybe fury's hero-school was the boost he needed.
And for a while, the kid bought what fury was selling.
Until he realized
It was more fun to laugh at the pain.
To hurt those that hurt you, times a thousand.
Forget it! You wouldn't understand.
Actually I do.
If things had gone a little bit differently,
I could have been just like deadpool.
Okay, so I'm gonna call this one, bugs.
you beat me fair and square,
Making me feel emotions and stuff.
So I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep
On my bed made of money.
Hang on. You're coming back to shield too.
You have to face fury.
"you have to face fury."
You're hilarious.
Smell ya' later, sucker. Bye, spider-man.
Ouch, my butt's burning!
Weirdest fight ever.
But at least I got the list back.
Sure did. You da man.
You know, I know a guy who'd pay top dollar for that--
Yes I am the man.
The spider-man.