February 23rd, 2012.
From comedy central's world
News headquarters in new
York, this is the daily show
With jon stewart.
(cheers and applause)
Captioning sponsored by
Comedy central
jon: Hey, welcome to the
Daily show, my name is jon
Stewart, your guest tonight,
Paul rudd.
Actor paul rudd.
Paul rudd is going to be on
The program tonight, I like
Having him around, it makes
Me feel better to sit next
To a guest who has
Absolutely no charm or
Personal char is ma.
Son of a pitch, let's begin
In arizona, the site of last
Night's republican debate.
Believe it or not, the to
Theth debate of this
Campaign season.
One more and the debate will
Be able to drink legally.
Mostly to forget about the
Terrible things they've
Heard in these debates.
The network for last night's
Contest, cnn.
And they needed to bring
Everything in their graphics
And voice over truck to
Introduce to you candidates
You have already met 19
Times prior.
rick santorum, the late
Contender.
Mitt romney, the long
Distance runner.
Newt gingrich, the
Determined challenger.
Ron paul, the delegate
Hunter.
(laughter)
jon: These four men have
Got just 48 hours to break
Into the world's toughest
Prison.
Women's prison?
It was clear from the
Opening statement mitt
Romney has a lot of family
In arizona.
I want to restore
America's promise and I'm
Going to do that--
(applause)
that's good enough.
as george kos stanza
Would say, when they are
Plauding stop, right.
jon: Two things, one,
That's the applause part for
The night.
I'm going to restore
America's promise and-- even
Romney couldn't believe you
Were clapping for that
Pablum.
And two, romney, that's not
The seinfeld line, it's
Jerry's line.
And it goes like this.
when you hit that high
Note, you is say good night
And walk off.
So don't pretend like you
Watch seinfeld, big phoney.
The big question, how would
The republican candidates
Treat newly crowned
Front-runner rick santorum.
The answer, like they was
His poppa.
senator, during your term
In congress, the years
You've been there,
Government has doubled in
Size.
the senator voted for no
Child left behind, now he's
Running on the effort to get
Rid of it.
he voted for the bridge
To nowhere.
he literally voted for
Abortion.
Because planned parenthood
Gets the money.
if you have not supported
Him f we had said no to
Arlen specter we would not
Have obamacare.
you have a new television
Ad that labels him a fake.
Why?
because he's a fake.
(laughter)
I'm real, I'm real, I'm
Real.
congratulations.
jon: I am real, ron.
And if you touch me, you'll
Feel kind of a salty film on
My arm.
Which I cried when you said
Those hurty words.
What happened next is the
Reason rick santorum will be
One more failed not romney.
Rather than mask his
Conservative failings with
Denials or lies or
Nonsensical twaddle, he
Attempted to explain the
Decision-making process
Behind his transgression.
I opposed title 10
Funding, I always opposed it
But it included in a larger
A proceed bracing bill that
Includes a whole lost of
Other things including the
Funding for the national
Institutes of health.
I made it very clear, in
Subsequent interviews that
I-- I don't support that.
I have never supported it.
Why I supported arlen
Specter, number one, becaus
Because-- because, because
Arlen specter done I
Supported no child left
Behind, I supported it.
It was the principa
Principal-- principles
Priority of president bush.
When you are part of the
Team sometime us take one
For the team for the leader
And I made a mistake.
You know, politics is a team
Sport, folks.
jon: Boo, boo, I boo your
Uncomfortably frank
Assessment of the inner
Workings of our legislature.
Boo.
Santorum, are you in a
Debate this is no place for
Reasoned arguing.
(laughter)
Show them how it's done,
Boys.
we have to have
Individuals that will stand
Up for religious conscious
And I did and I will again
As president.
I believe this is the
Most dangerous president on
National security grounds in
American history.
and just as arizona is
Finding out, you can stop
Illegal immigration.
It's time we finally did it.
not once did anybody in
The elite media ask why
Barack obama voted in favor
Of legalizing infanticide.
So let's be clear here.
jon: I'm sorry, I think
You may have president obama
Confused with king herod.
It is a common mistake,
Understandable.
For month its now these
Republicans candidates have
Chris crossed our great
Nation.
Meeting hardworking
Americans in diners on the
Roadside at truck stops,
Engaging in 20 televised
Debates, nearly two days
Worth, spirited
Give-and-take about the fate
And future of this great
Nation which we love.
And yet, it is not settled.
Can we settle this, please,
Perhaps in one more chance.
John king, the hail mary, if
You will.
without caveats or
Explanations, please define
Yourself using one word and
One word only.
jon: Oh, man, you so get
Us!
(laughter)
jon: We could have just
Done this one word [bleep]
At the beginning of the
Whole shebang.
Saved ourselves a whole lot
Of time and money.
congressman paul?
consistent.
jon: I'll give him that.
I got to tell you though
This is when you really miss
Recognize perry in the
Debates, don't you?
He is the guy.
He's the guy who could
Actually blow it in one word.
Could you shall did --
Because you can't win it in
One word, there is one way,
But you could blow this
Mother [bleep] in one word,
Couldn't you.
Rick perry describe yourself
In one word, titties, no!
Why did I say that!
Oh!
Why did I say titties!
That was wrong!
Oh man!
I was going to say
Niggerhead-- oh, that's two
Words, oh, why did I say!
Oh, man.
I should have said pancakes,
Pancakes, oh,
That's-- oh-- I have had a
Ball out here.
Of course the single word
Challenge would prove
Tougher sledding for willard
Mitt romney, a candidate
Fighting the perception that
He goes where the wind
Blower, will do anything to
Win.
I'm guessing romney pulled
Thee vidzers, commissioned a
Focus group, designed to
Effectively as possible
Counter the notion that he
Is a flip-flopping flip --
resolute.
(laughter)
jon: You know there is
Another kos stanza phrase
That applies here.
it's not a lie if you
Believe it.
(laughter)
And then there was newt
Gingrich who throughout the
Night articulated a
Worldview that made him
Sound like he had grown-up
During some combination the
Great depression, several
World wars and had the
Bubonic plague.
you live in a world of
Total war fare.
We have to genuinely worry
About nuclear weapons going
Off in our own cities.
Virtually anywhere in the
World could be in danger at
Virtually any minute.
We are now look at an abyss
All of us are more at risk
Today, men and women, boys
And girls, than at any time
In the history of this
Country.
(laughter)
jon: All right.
After all that mi almost
Afraid to here gingrich's
One word for himself.
mr. Speaker.
cheerful.
(laughter)
jon: Hey, welcome back to
The show.
Well, in this year's
Presintial race rick
Santorum has been surging
All over-- lev laugh--
(laughter)
jon: Rick santorum is
Doing very well, for more on
Santorum's new found success
We turn to certificaterier
Political analyst john
Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.
(cheers and applause)
jon, rick santorum might
Be feeling good about his
Rise in the polls but he's
About the only republican
Who is.
santorum is not an ideal
Candidate.
He seems to enjoy those
Debates, a little too much t
Scares people.
the points he is bring up
Are hurting the party.
He should not and will not
Be our nominee for
President.
jon: Wow.
Now why, what is it about
Santorum that has
Republicans so alarmed.
because, jon, as you saw
In the debate he's a little
Too open and honest about
His thoughts and feelings.
jon: But they are
Conservative thoughts and
Conservative feelings.
Why is that a problem?
because, republicans
Aren't idiots, jon.
They know that america loves
Its conservatism cut with
Plenty of baking powder.
Because one hit of the pure
Stuff and you'll wake up
With eric stoltz strangling
You and plunging an
Adrenaline needle-- need
Il-- needle into your heart
And santorum doesn't get
That look how he answered
The question of don't ask
Don't tell.
what we are doing is
Playing social
Experimentation with our
Military right now.
And that's tragic.
I would just say that going
Forward, we would
Reinstitute that policy of
Rick santorum was president,
Period.
Nice going, [bleep].
You're running for
President!
Donlt people what you are
Going to do.
Here's what you should have
Said.
we ought to be talking
About the economy and jobs.
But given the fact you are
Insistent, the answer is I
Believe that don't ask don't
Tell should have been kept
In place until conflict was
Over.
jon: So he is saying it's
Okay then for gays to be in
The military as long as we
Are not fighting.
Is that --
is he saying that, jon?
Is that what is saying?
Or do you think he's saying
Something else that you
Would agree with even more.
(laughter)
jon: So you are saying so
He's saying every nothing.
precisely.
Precisely, jon.
jon: I get that.
just like the
Contraception debate which
Santorum was stupid enough
To make about con
Extra-- contraception.
many christian in the
235i9 said well, that's okay,
You know, contraception is
Okay.
It's not okay.
It's a life sentence to do
Things in a sexual realm
That is counter to what
Catholics are supposed to
Be.
is this your first day in
Politics, rick?
You just made this about
Controlling a woman's access
To health care based on
Imposing your code of
Morality upon others.
jon: But that is what it
Is about.
That is what they are doing.
right, but you don't tell
Them that!
Jon, this is what you tell
Them.
it's really not about
Contraception, it's about
Violating our first
Amendment rights to
Religious freedom and
Conscious.
I'm a religious man.
Si have no interest in your
Lady parts.
(laughter)
I just wish to pray in
Peace.
jon: So I guess it's like
The state's rights arguments
During the early 60 itsee.
It was really about he is
Growgation but you need some
Kind of agreed upon code
To --
exactly.
And rick, the [bleep] just
Gave everyone the enigma
Machine.
Jon, look at the wealth gap.
Now that say touchy subject.
A majority of americans
Think there is something
Unfair in our economic
System.
But your platform is darwinnian
Free market.
Sell it.
there is income
Inequality in america.
There always has been.
And hopefully, and I do say
That, there always will be.
we do not accept that
Ours will ever be a nation
Of haves and have nots.
We must always be a nation
Of haves and soon to haves.
you see?
jon: Okay.
mitch daniels is using a
Dog whistle where santorum
Is using one of these.
Out, jesus.
dow hear that, jon.
jon: Yes.
you can hear the
Difference between this and
This.
Dow hear that.
jon: Okay, yes, stop it!
>>s so he's not afraid to
State explicitly republican
Dogma.
It's kind of refreshing this
Is what we should be doing
In debates.
Put ideas out there in the
Marketplace in their bare
Form, and let the voters
Decide, free market.
no, no, no.
We should not be doing that,
Jon.
And I will show you why.
Because then voters have to
Take your platform to its
Logical conclusions.
For instance, rick santorum
Is pro-life.
Consistently in a
Principlesed way in all
Situations.
So let's play that out, we.
I believe and I think the
Right approach is to accept
This horribly created, in
The sense of rape, but
Nevertheless gift in a very
Broken way, the gift of
Human life and accept what
God is giving to you, as you
Know, we have to, lots of
Different aspects of our
Life we have horrible things
Happen.
I can't think of anything
More horrible, but
Nevertheless, we have to
Make the best out of a bad
Situation.
jon: You're saying he
Just needs to have like a
Soon to have mitch daniels
Type euphemism for you have
To carry your rape baby.
exactly.
jon: So that's why romney
Gets the nomination.
precisely, jon.
Not that the republicans
Want romney, they just
Accept what god has given to
Them.
(laughter)
this horribly created
Gift, and out of something
Bad, to make the best.
jon: Of a bad situation.
of a bad situation.
jon: Thank you, jon olver,
Everybody.
We'll be right back.
(cheers and applause)
jon: Hey, welcome back,
My guest tonight, I like
This fella, I like this fell
A coming up.
His new film is called
Wanderlust.
welcome.
thank you.
welcome.
hmmmm, that's italian.
These grapes were grown
Right here in georgia, so
The proper word wab
Decious.
I'm going let that go.
let what go.
you know what I will show
You the method to my madness,
Okay.
First, got to put on the old
Dangle bag, just in case.
just in case of what.
you know,-- .
jon: Please welcome back
To the show, paul rudd.
(cheers and applause)
jon: I want to tell you
Something that was a
Wonderful gesture, today we
Have a group in hear,
They're diabetic, and what
You have done here is a
Travesty.
you killed our audience.
Nice job.
thanks.
jon: What's happening?
>>.
well, I've been doina
Lot of work with the slinsers,
As you can see.
jon: Can I tell you
Something and respectfully
Again to the audience this
Bowl has been in the green
Room, it's got to be since
2007.
I don't know that we've
Changed it.
there are some-- there
Are some milky ways in there
With kilborn's picture on
Them.
thank you.
jon: See this right here,
Tootsie mold that can't be
Right.
that doesn't sound right.
jon: No, that doesn't.
Let me do this interview in
The proper way.
Let me handle this in the
Proper way.
Paul winchester rudd,
Actor-- what you have got
There.
bottle caps.
jon: How are those, what
Are in them.
they're good.
jon: Sweet tart.
no, bottle caps are
Better than sweet tart.
jon: That's a sweet tart.
these are the best.
jon: Oh my god, it's an
Actual bottle cap, oh my
God.
It's got urine on it.
From the street.
from me, they were in my
Pocket.
jon: How often, how often
Do you think a company takes
A candy like a sweet tart
And just says oh, you know
What would be a great candy,
Sweet tarts.
And somebody with be like
That exists.
And they're like not if you
Call it bottle caps t
Doesn't.
They just change the name.
yeah, tart and tinis.
jon: I don't know tart
And tinies.
they're great.
But you don't see them as
Much any more.
But they were like these.
I feel ill.
I'm not kidding.
I had five packs of these in
The green room.
jon: Right.
you know I always say to
My children, moderation.
You don't swallow them like
Tylenol.
What are you doing?
now-- that last one
Wasn't a bottle cap.
jon: Oh my god that was a
Nickel.
it was a nickel.
it was a nick nel your
Pocket.
Is that a midwestern, kansas,
I never heard of I tart and
Tiny.
something when I was a
Kid.
Dow remember tart and tinis.
I don't think it was
Midwestern but a marathon
Bar, all the old kind of
Vintage candy.
jon: Dow recall the sky
Bar t had like five
Different fillings in it.
And one was like carmel and
Then white milky juice and
Then-- orange juice was one
Of them, I think.
I don't know.
jon: Hot dogs.
One of those things was hot
Dogs.
Really disgution, that was
Pie favorite.
Because just, you could
Convince yourself that it
Was an exciting surprise in
Every bite.
a horrible bomb pop.
jon: The bomb pop, dow
Remember the ones that used
To have the bubble gum, you
What get through the entire
Thing and at the very base
Of it would be, what was it-- no
No, this was an ice cream.
screwball.
jon: It was a screwball-- you
Know what is sad a lot of
Audiences they will shout
Things out about philosophy
And things like that, my
Audience is, that's a
Charleston chew!
It's a complete, they're all
Sugar rush.
But I don't even know,
Wanderlust-- what a terrific
Film.
What a terrific job you've
Done, jennifer aniston your
Costar, david wayne, a very
Talented writer, director
Created this.
yeah.
put you in it.
Tell me about this film, you
Your role there it.
all right.
jon: Balancesy move, by
The way, putting this thing
Out two days before the
Oscars, cutting it pretty
Tight for your nomination.
I know.
I couldn't believe it.
Noecognition whatsoever
From the academy.
jon: Well.
what are you going to
Does, original it was called
The help.
jon: I like that.
but a whole legal issue,
Apparently there's another
Movie.
jon: You work together a
Lot.
Are you doing another one,
American summer the sequel.
there is a lot of talk
About it, yeah.
jon: I just brought it up.
they're writing it.
David wayne and michael are.
jon: How many junkets
Have you been on recently.
I'm not.
jon: Your brain is fried.
I'm not kidding you.
Mi sugar rushed out of my
Brain.
I really just have been
Eating so much.
jon: I am also an emt, I
Know what to do with this,
You have a sugar rush, as
Soon as this is done I will
Get you back there we will
Get you an iv of smoked
Meats.
We will get --
fill me full of jerkie.
jon: 50 yccs of pastrami
That salt is going to take
Down, by the end of this you
Will have a goiter but
You'll feel, you'll feel
Better.
that is what I need.
jon: I'm sorry.
a big salty goiter.
jon: Are you all right.
right there you got it,
Right there.
jon: Wanderlust is in the
Theatres on Friday, academy
Award-winning actor paul
Rudd.
(cheers and appl
jon: That's our show,
Here is your moment of zen.
I was a severely
Conservative republican
Governor.
it's not a lie.
If you believe it
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