How would you like to have your goddamn rig impounded?
Sorry, officer. My hand slipped.
Hey! You better get ready to hock your tricycle, Jack.
Yeah? Let's see your money, big mouth.
- Two hundred on Philo! - You're covered!
I'll go handle this.
Put all of it on him. Put all of it on him.
I got it.
Twelve hundred dollars.
Twelve hundred.
MAN 1: Fifty dollars on Philo.
MAN 2: What's your name? - Boys!
- Got 1 200 more on Philo! - You're covered!
You know, we're covering over $8000 here so far.
We'll eat him for breakfast.
Hell, Joe whipped every Marine in the 1st Division.
Yeah.
But he ain't a Marine.
- Jesus, he's big. - Yeah, he's sizeable.
ORVILLE: They said he beat everybody in the Marine Corps.
I ain't a Marine.
I got 2800 from the boys in Bakersfield.
- You're covered. - All right!
You lose this fight, we'll be patrolling Death Valley for the next five years.
Don't worry about it, sarge. Eat him up, Joe.
Eat him up, Joe. Ha-ha-ha!
Take care of Clyde, will you?
You know how he likes to crap in squad cars.
Hold it, hold it.
Okay, Joe. All right!
Come on!
He's killing him.
- Come on, boy. - He's moving pretty good for a corpse.
MAN: Come on, get in there! Let's go!
- Get in! - Come on!
Attaboy!
WOMAN: Get him, baby!
Bingo!
WOMAN: Get up, Philo! You got him!
All right. That's it.
He ain't down yet.
No, he ain't and I ain't putting him down.
If you want to take his place, we can arrange that.
- Fight ain't over till he's down. - Shut up.
ORVILLE: Great. You got him.
- How much we pull down? - Twelve hundred.
Where's Clyde?
- Shit. - There.
Clyde, you got damn little respect for the law.
God.
Sergeant Smith.
This is gonna be my last fight.
How come?
Right turn, Clyde.
I'm getting to like the pain.
- Well, I guess it's time, then. - Yeah, I think.
I don't understand it. I whipped every Marine in my division.
- Some real tough guys. SMITH: Jesus.
- How can you stand the stench? - I can't smell nothing.
The captain won't really transfer us, will he, sarge?
Seeing as how we flushed 2800 of his hard-earned bucks...
it's Death Valley, son, you can believe me.
Some real tough guys.
Hey. Pull those guys over! They're littering!
Shut up, will you?
Pardon me, sir, was that, uh, 3000?
No, it is not 3000.
Mr. Paoli bets 30,000 on the challenger?
- Ha! That's it! That's it! - He never touched him!
Your animal's gonna be dead in 15 seconds.
BEEKMAN: Young man.
Keep your terrier in his cage, Beekman.
Junior, he's only looking out for my interests, that's all.
- Your money will be here by 5 p.m. - I expected no less.
Whoo!
- Hey, did you set up a fight for Wilson? - No, not yet.
Well, come on.
What the hell am I paying him 5 grand a month, to sit on his hands?
Nobody will take him on.
Not after what he did to those last couple of guys.
Yeah, well, maybe we ought to, uh, set up a match...
between Wilson and the rattler, huh? Ha, ha.
Ha, ha. You'd lose a good rattler.
There is a guy on the West Coast named Philo Beddoe.
Philo Beddoe. I never heard of him.
Some folks in Dallas think a lot of him.
Yeah? Which folks?
The folks that bet. And he's well-known in California.
I think we could get a good piece of action on this one, Jim.
- All right. You set it up. - All right.
Well, Loretta, we've talked about it for 20 years, but now we're doing it.
We're in California.
I hear people here are a little peculiar.
Oh, Loretta, folks are just folks the world over.
- Luther. - Yeah?
I think we should go back to Iowa.
LYNNE [SINGING]: Then your whiskey eyes undress me
As we hide the night away
I know it's wrong to want you
But God knows it feels so right
Just stay a little longer
Before you go to her tonight
There's one too many women in your life
- You didn't tell me she was here. - I didn't know. We can go.
No, it's all right.
There's one too many women in your life
The one you say you love
And the one you call your wife
You tell me you don't love her
And you say someday you'll leave
Then when our love starts feelin' right You walk away from me
Bedroom lies and alibis Are the only words you know
Just tell me that you love me Before you have to go
There's one too many women in your life
Neither one of us can make it right
There's one too many women in your life
Lynne Halsey-Taylor, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have a big welcome for Johnny Duncan.
[SINGING] It's raining on the west coast
Snowing in Topeka
The weatherman says there's ice For old Tennessee
Mind if I sit here?
No. It's a free country.
You're still mad at me, I guess.
No, I like having my guts kicked out.
I didn't mean to hurt you. I... I was mixed up.
Oh?
What do you think I was?
I'm sorry.
But that's in the past.
Yeah, it sure is.
You want me to leave?
Yeah.
DUNCAN [SINGING]: I see a loser in my mirror
Got a devil in my brain
And the woman I've been loving
All right, Clyde, keep your pants on. I'm coming.
DUNCAN: She left blossom in my bedroom
And dirty dishes in my sink
I knew you and Philo came in here a lot.
So I told them I'd sing for nothing just to get a chance to talk to him.
Guess I shouldn't have bothered, huh?
I don't like drinking with filthy apes.
Clyde is a clean ape.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna kick his ass out of here.
If I was you, friend, I'd just sit back there and I'd have myself another beer.
- You ain't me. - No.
- I'll have another beer. - Right.
Looks like Clyde's getting a little rowdy. We better get out of here.
You're getting rowdy, Clyde.
- Why don't you leave Philo alone, honey? - I'm not your honey.
Listen, he was down for two months after you pushed him over.
So was I.
The three of us are doing fine now so why don't you just leave him alone?
Clyde, come on, let's go. Leave the bananas alone. Come on.
Kind of grows on you, doesn't he?
There's gotta be a better way
But the sun shines bright
In Acapulco
And there's no snow
In old Monterey
MEN: We are the Black Widows!
Then who stomped a mud hole in you?
ALL: Philo Beddoe!
Then spat on you, and let his ape stomp it dry?
ALL: Philo Beddoe!
So whose hide you gonna nail to the gates of hell?
ALL: Philo Beddoe's!
All right, then, let's start doing some stomping of our own.
Yeah.
Good grief, my brownies are burning.
- His what? - He's baking brownies.
Why me, Lord?
I mean, you made other men out of clay.
Mine, you made out of shit.
- I should have expected it. - Expected what, Ma?
Quitting your job, letting an old lady die of frostbite, canker sores.
It ain't froze around here in 30 years, Ma.
Don't have to freeze.
I got thin blood.
Besides, I didn't quit my job. Fighting ain't my job.
Yeah.
Well, I have to admit, it ain't much.
But it's the closest you've come to earning a decent living.
But, hell, you don't care about keeping a roof...
over a poor, helpless old lady's head.
You don't care if she has to eat dog food.
You don't care if she has to soak her teeth in Clorox.
Come back here with my Oreos, you hairy ass!
- I'm looking for Mr. Philo Beddoe. PHILO: You're talking to him.
- I'm talking to his feet. PHILO: The top half of him can hear you.
I represent a man who would like to back you, Mr. Beddoe.
See that crescent wrench up on top there?
Yes, I see it.
Well, why don't you hand it to me?
Tail first, of course. The jaws may be venomous.
Thanks.
- Back me at what? - A fight?
- Sorry, I'm retired. - Since when?
Since I decided to retire.
My employer is willing to pay you $15,000 for this fight, Mr. Beddoe.
- Against who? - A man named Jack Wilson.
- You know Wilson? - I know of him.
Let's not quibble, Mr. Beddoe. Twenty-five thousand.
- Is that win or lose, or just win? - The money will be payable, win or lose.
Ten thousand in advance.
- Give it to Clyde. - Yes.
- Who's Clyde? - He's my manager.
Ah, Jesus Christ!
- Don't worry, he won't hurt you. - You want me to give $10,000 to an ape?
He handles all my business.
You stash that, Clyde, and don't let Ma see you.
MAN: Good boy.
I'll be in touch.
Yeah, I'm sure.
MAN [OVER CB]: You there, Harry? HARRY: Yeah, what do you got?
MAN: Dead battery at Sunset and Lincoln.
Green '73 Chevrolet.
HARRY: Got it. Be about 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes is too late by half, Harry.
Hang on there, green Chevy. Harry's on the way.
Have you seen Clyde?
No. Is he gone?
Well, a couple hours.
- Is he in the shed? - I'll take another look.
No hairy-ass jungle jumper...
is going to outsmart Senovia Boggs.
That goddamn banana-head probably ate it.
Send him down to that....
Work and slave for that ape of yours. Work and slave.
Well, I appreciate that, Ma. You haven't seen him, have you?
No. No, I ain't seen him.
I'll find it. You better believe I'll find it.
[SINGING] Am I being too tender Or are you just too tough?
Right now I'm feeling Like I've had enough
If I've been all wrong Instead of all right
Either your love's too loose
Or mine is too tight
When the wheel of fortune spins again
I plan to be a winner
Does the magic in your eyes disguise A saint or just a sinner?
Playing your game Is one hell of a gamble
You're too loose to love And you're too hot to handle
Am I being too weak When I need to be strong?
Hanging around here After your love is gone
Has it all been a lie?
Or am I thinking small?
I love all the way Or I don't love at all
When the wheel of fortune spins again
I plan to be a winner
Does the magic in your eyes disguise A saint or just a sinner?
- You seen Clyde? - Yeah. Right behind you, Philo.
You're too loose to love And you're too hot to handle
Lynne Halsey-Taylor, ladies and gentlemen.
Now let's everybody get ready for Fats Domino.
[SINGING] Every afternoon when I wake up
I say a little prayer and drink up
And thank the Lord For driving me home once more
He ain't supposed to be, uh, out like this.
What did I do? I was just singing a number and he came in and sat down.
He probably got lost and recognized this place.
Maybe he wanted to see me. Not everybody hates me, you know.
I don't hate you.
I can take just about any kind of pain. There's just one I have no tolerance for.
Some kinds I can't tolerate either.
You gotta do another set?
Uh, no, I'm just doing one set a night. They're all here to see Fats.
- You sound good. - Thank you.
Real good.
DOMINO [SINGING]: Hangovers every day
Flyin' high with honky-tonk angels
In whiskey heaven
Do you have any wheels?
No.
I'll give you a ride home. If you like.
I like.
Okay. Let's go.
In whiskey heaven
We drink a little beer and wine
Stay drunk most of the time
We're always raisin' hell all night In whiskey heaven
This is it?
- Anything wrong with it? - No. Not a thing.
- Well, I guess I can't ask you in. - I guess not.
Good night, Clyde.
Thanks, Philo.
Shut up, meathead.
Hey! It's Philo Beddoe!
Are we bad mothers?
ALL: We are bad mothers!
Hey, Beddoe, it's us.
Are you talking to me?
I ain't talking to you, Beddoe. I'm reading your death warrant.
I didn't know you boys could read.
Oh. Now, that's real cute, real cute.
We're gonna kill you slow, boy. Take maybe a week.
Well, I wouldn't want to rush you.
After the first day, I think, you're probably gonna be shaking...
like some blind faggot at a weenie roast.
You got him real good, Cholla. You got him real good with that one.
Shut your hole.
Except this time, it ain't gonna be no weenie roast.
No, this time it's gonna be an ape roast.
Right turn, Clyde.
Hey, Cholla, they're getting away.
Why me?
Ah, what the hell.
I guess maybe it's time.
She's in Room 25, but you can't go up there.
No, ma'am, I know that.
- You're not allowed up there! - I won't be long, ma'am.
Operator, get me the police.
Oh. Excuse me, ma'am.
Hey, wait a minute.
Excuse me, ma'am, I didn't see a thing, hardly.
- You aren't allowed up here. - I know that, ma'am.
LYNNE: Who is it? - Philo.
You're not allowed up here.
Must be true. You're the third person who's told me that.
Well?
Well, we've got an extra room at the house.
I don't need any handouts.
Handouts are what you get from the government.
A hand up is what you get from friends.
Are you a friend?
I'm a friend.
Well, I don't have so many friends that I can afford to lose one.
What is it?
Sorry, ma'am.
I believe what we got here, ladies, is a case of wishful thinking.
They all think we moon around all day, lusting after their bodies.
Well, some of us do, Rita.
Where's Clyde?
Shit.
So how are you gonna write this one up?
I'm not. Plus, you were a lot of help.
You can always say she was nuts about your toothpaste smile.
You could bust them for harassing an officer.
- Just shut up. - Ha-ha-ha!
OFFICER 1: Hey.
It's them!
- Come on, come on! We can catch them! - You catch them.
So where are you gonna sleep?
We have a guest room out back, I told you.
- Good night. - Good night.
Clyde, you still up?
What are you doing, pal?
An Oreo cookie for me?
I'll save mine till later.
Night, buddy.
- Mind if I come in? - No, not at all.
What was that?
Just a cookie I was saving till later.
Well, never mind.
You can have me instead.
No looking, now. Hmm.
LYNNE: Oh.
We chased him away.
Ah, the fresh air's good for him. Besides, he'll guard the door.
Is he reliable?
Anything gets past Clyde is 40 feet high with fangs.
- I think we're safe. - I think.
I think I love you.
I think that's a piece of luck for me.
Philo?
Jordan said he'd give us 200 big ones if we scrap that Merc for him.
Great. Clyde, scrap the Merc.
ORVILLE: Come on, Clyde, you got work to do.
Mind if I jog with you?
Hell no.
We must be three miles out. How much further before you turn back?
A couple more.
That's 10 miles round trip.
- You do this every day? - More or less.
I'm not sure I'm gonna make it. I'm kind of new to this physical stuff.
You're doing real good.
Thanks. The doc said I had to get some exercise.
All I do is sit behind a desk all day.
You sit behind it, or you carry it around?
Well, I play a little squash sometimes.
MAN: You look like you do some lifting. PHILO: A little.
- Mostly engine blocks. - That'll do the job.
PHILO: Careful of that soft shoulder there.
That's a hell of a drop.
Hey, you got a pretty good grip for a new guy.
There's a lot of strength in fear.
- I believe I owe you. - I believe you do.
Philo.
- You can't do this fight. - Why not?
I've been checking with some people and I found out who Jack Wilson is.
Look, the fight's gonna get us a new truck, a new roof, and a few extras for Ma.
- He killed two men last year. - One.
So? The other one's lying someplace with nothing below the neck but memories.
Well, I told them I was gonna do it.
ORVILLE: I know I don't have much influence with you anymore...
since you got a girlfriend, but damn it, you can't do this!
Well, I'm going to do it.
Don't you go telling Lynne about Wilson now, you hear?
Damn.
Yeah, Clyde.
Looks like both of us are getting aced.
Yeah.
LYNNE & BAND [SINGING]: There's one too many women in your life
The one you say you love And the one you call your wife
- A friend of yours? - Yeah.
Nice voice. Nice style.
I think so.
There's one too many women in your life
Why don't you get somebody who can sing around here?
Uh....
- That's not polite. - Ah, forget it.
MAN: Complaint department's open now, sonny.
- You play a hell of a game of squash. - So do you.
- I believe that makes us even. - I believe it does.
Did you find out what you wanna know?
Yeah, I did.
You're fast and you like pain.
You eat it like candy.
I've seen a few cases like that in my time.
The more they get hurt, the more dangerous they become.
But you gotta be durable too. Real durable.
Most ain't.
Yeah, you're right. Most ain't.
Let's call this fight off. There's no point.
I ain't doing it for points.
You're good, but you're not good enough.
I....
I don't wanna hurt you, and that's the truth.
Sometimes we can't always do what we want to. Right?
- Yeah. - Your money's no good here.
Well, thank you.
- Pleasure watching you work. - Same here.
Who was that?
That was a friend of mine. We used to play squash sometimes.
[SINGING] The good guys always say That crime doesn't pay
But for some men there's no other way
The bad guys always claim Both sides are the same
The good guys and the bad guys
I don't want you to fight.
You too? I thought you weren't supposed to say anything to her.
I thought she'd have more influence.
LYNNE: Don't do it, Philo.
- I'm doing it, and that's the end of it. - But he kills people.
The subject ain't open for discussion.
Go ahead, get yourself killed, you selfish lunkhead.
Better still.
Let him scramble your brains and turn you into a turnip...
so I can spend the next 20 years watering you.
You too?
All right.
All right. Clyde, go get the money.
Go ahead.
PHILO: Orville.
Here's the card. Call that guy, tell him to come and get his dough.
MA: Under my own mattress. Humiliating.
Outsmarted by a banana-head.
Hey.
I just spent the last five hours on a very bumpy airplane, Mr. Beddoe.
I'm not in a good mood.
- I don't blame you. - We have a deal, Mr. Beddoe.
We had a deal. Clyde, get the man his money back.
One does not cancel deals with James Beekman.
One takes one's money back, or else Clyde gets bugged at one.
I am holding it for you, Mr. Beddoe.
I will add 15,000 to it and give it to you when you show up for the fight.
Bear this in mind: What Wilson will do to you is nothing...
compared to what we will do if you don't show up for the fight.
Clyde, escort the man out.
You will have a visit from my friends very soon.
Will they be driving Cadillacs too?
Yes. Long and black.
Clyde, scrap the Caddie.
MAN: Oh, Jesus!
MAN: Oh, God!
He's crazy.
How about we go up to Bakersfield and mess around for a couple days?
No, thank you. I'm not Clyde. I can't sit around eating bananas...
while you and the broad are playing patty cake.
- Hey, she's not a broad. - I know that.
Damn it, I'm just talking mad.
You're allowed to talk mad to your friends, you know, if they are.
They are, and you're allowed.
Shit.
She's a real nice girl.
I know.
- A piece of luck. - I think.
But I don't have to like it.
Hell no. I wouldn't either.
- You wouldn't? - Uh-uh.
Maybe I ought to get really mad at you, then.
You better go before he goes down the block again...
after that lady Saint Bernard.
Jesus, I never saw a dog turn gray overnight before.
That's enough. Come on, you'll get plastered.
Bakersfield. Let's go.
- You take care, now. - All right. You too.
Okay, Clyde.
Seems like Orville's not very happy these days.
I know. I guess he thinks you're taking up some of his space.
- But I can't give it back to him. - I know.
Hang on.
- Uh-oh. - No!
PHILO: Lock the doors.
Cholla, I'm hardening.
I'm hardening too.
Shut up and get him! Move!
I'm froze.
CHOLLA: Dead meat, Beddoe.
Dead meat.
Oh, you're gonna pay for this. You're gonna pay.
What are you going to do with them?
Well, we can't leave them here. Dogs would come along and piss on them.
Ain't fair to the dogs.
CHOLLA: You'll pay for that too, Beddoe.
- Will you be able to get this stuff off? - Sure. We'll just peel them like bananas.
Of course, that tar will take their hair off with it.
- Oh. Painful? - Moderately.
- Too bad. - Both of you are really gonna pay for this.
I already am paying for it.
It's $20 for this tow boom and another 20 I'm adding on...
for cleaning up my truck. That's $40 you owe me.
We should be back in 15, 20 minutes, I hope.
LYNNE: Good luck. PHILO: Come on, Clyde. Scrap the gate.
Despite your irresistible charm, old buddy, she may have some reservations.
You just feed her this banana and it'll put her out.
Not more than about 40 minutes.
If that doesn't work, pop her in the ass and squeeze the bulb.
Got that?
Clyde, sometimes I think you're not too tightly wrapped.
LYNNE: Oh, no. What happened? PHILO: Ah.
I seem to have the only primate in the country that's a dope addict.
- Be right back. - Be careful.
Well, it's his own damn fault if I get the wrong one.
- Who the hell are you? - We're looking for Philo Beddoe.
Well, he ain't here. Get out of my house.
Who the hell are you...?
That ain't him. Where is he?
- Why don't you go f... - Ma.
Where is he?
- Uh, Bakersfield. - Where in Bakersfield?
I don't know.
Um...
he's gonna find a motel when he gets there.
Orville.
Son of a bitch!
- Looks like you got the right one. - Yeah.
Come on, Clyde.
Do you think he knows what to do?
Well, there have been primates around for 80 million years.
I don't think they'd set that kind of record without, uh, knowing something.
I guess not.
What is that?
It's just Clyde showing off. It's part of the courtship.
My God. That's obscene.
Sure sounds obscene.
Hey. Don't I get a courtship?
Well, what do you want me to do?
I don't know. Show off a little. What do you say, big boy?
How's that?
I'm impressed.
Will it hold both of us?
We're leaving this place immediately. Get up.
Mm.
Savage.
Luther.
Luther, stop that.
My back!
I've thrown out my back.
Stretch your arms, Luther. Don't tense.
Oh. Damn fool. I should've known better.
It was very brave, Luther. That was a heavy chair.
You looked very impressive.
So did you.
It's been a long time.
How many?
About a hundred.
Let's go.
Bakersfield.
Hey. Get away from there.
It ain't right to watch folks go humpity-bumpity.
Hey, baby.
Oh, my God, what have I done?
The first live one in 20 years, and I disabled him.
Oh.
- Aw, come on, sweetie. - Oh.
That was just a little tickle to loosen you up, you know?
Now, I tell you what you do. You get yourself a good eyeful.
Come on. Just look right in. Enjoy yourself.
And then when you're ready for a little romp...
I'll be in the office.
[SINGING] Roll me in the clover
Ha-ha-ha
Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha
You know, I ain't a churchgoing person...
but, I swear, that's gonna be a thing of a past.
Um, let him be all right.
I didn't hit him hard, he should still have one good one left.
MA: Sweetie.
Thank you, Lord.
MAN: That's it.
Uh, say, excuse me, officer. Can you tell me where the Pink Cloud Motel is?
Yeah.
Just hang a right out here. Go down a little bit of ways. Can't miss it.
How would you and your girlfriend there like to race me over?
Come on, guys. Come on.
Philo!
All right, wise guy.
- Which station? - Fourth Street. Why?
Fourth Street Station!
LORETTA: What is it, snookums?
Somebody's bashed into our car, honeybunch.
LORETTA: We can always get another car. Come back to bed, sweetheart.
What's that for?
Just in case.
Here. Take her home. Hurry on back.
You wait here.
Over this way.
That's enough.
Thanks, old buddy. That took guts. I owe you one.
PHILO: Don't even think about it.
- How long has she been like this? - All morning. Ain't said a word.
I suppose you'll have to fight now.
Yeah.
I don't think they're gonna hurt her. I think they just want you to fight.
I know.
ORVILLE: Piece of crap, though. PHILO: Yeah.
She's getting on.
I think maybe her brains are, you know, turning soft.
Jelly, sonny. Jelly.
[SINGING] Jellyroll killed my momma
Drove my daddy stone blind
You're going to church next Sunday. You too.
[CHUCKLES]
Philo. It's him.
Yeah?
Jackson, Wyoming. Saturday, noon.
Not until I talk to her.
- You are in no position to set conditions. - You heard me.
Nino.
- Philo? - You okay?
I'm fine. Don't fight, they don't dare hurt me.
MAN: I trust you're not so foolish as to believe that, Mr. Beddoe.
No, I'm not.
Lynne, the fight's not your concern. I'll have you out of there on Saturday.
Philo, listen...
We have a deal, Mr. Beddoe?
You'll produce her Saturday noon, before the fight, right?
Deal.
CHOLLA: All right, boys. Belly up to the table.
Get yourself some hair there.
And here. Paint on some eyebrows. You look like a bunch of freaks.
Hey.
- You promised me a moustache. - Cholla promised me I could be a blond.
MAN 1: I want to be a redhead.
MAN 2: Give me that brown one. I like brown.
Cholla, why don't you tell them to give me what I asked for?
MAN 3: I love it.
Nobody knows nothing.
I checked everybody I know, even the sleazies.
Well, they're probably holding her somewhere near Jackson.
We'll just do a little scouting.
Oh, Jesus.
Why don't you just shut up and start passing out them tickets there?
I ain't got the heart.
You've got enough trouble.
CHOLLA: Wait a minute.
You have to give us them tickets. You have to.
I mean, didn't you see us? We're lawbreakers.
I mean, we are totally despicable.
We have earned them tickets.
Son, you are a walking violation of the laws of nature.
But we don't enforce them laws.
CHOLLA: Lord...
you have given me these crosses to bear...
and I will carry them...
all the way from Jerusalem to Jackson, whichever's closer.
But hear me, Lord.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
I will chew on Philo Beddoe's ass for my last supper.
Hyah!
[SINGING] Yippie-aye-ay Cow Patti
WOMAN: I lose.
The killer hit town at daybreak Ate the door off the local saloon
He started to drink you could tell He was thinking
There'll be a showdown soon
Patti hit town in a cloud of dust Ol' Flame was buzzin' like a saw
And the whole town got As quiet as a church
When the killer stepped out for the draw
Excuse me, sir, there's a call for you. A Mr. Beekman.
Hello, Beeky, it's your dime.
Zack? I got a sporting event laid out for this Saturday.
A fire-eater named, uh, Philo Beddoe. Ha, ha.
Against Jack Wilson.
Philo Beddoe? Never heard of him.
Hey, Melvin, can Beddoe whup Jack Wilson?
Beddoe's good, real good, but I'd have to give Wilson the edge.
- How big an edge? - If it was my money, 7-to-5.
But 6-to-5 is a fair bet.
I might be interested in 4-to-1.
Even money, Zack.
Well, I might go 3-to-1.
I've reserved your suite for you.
I'll be there.
Yippie-aye-ay, yay Cow Patti
Yee-haw! Y'all saddle up. We going on a trip.
Jim Martin and his crew are coming in from Kansas City.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
We got contingents coming in from Seattle, L.A., Frisco.
Any takers at 6-to-5?
Uh, we got about 30 grand.
You know, Jim...
might have to go 2-to-1 we wanna pick up the action, huh?
We'll get enough action at 8-to-5.
All right.
- I'll call up Boston, set up a layoff. - No.
No. There's not gonna be a layoff.
Jim.
We're liable to get a couple million bucks on this.
Wilson's not going to lose.
We try any funny stuff here, they're gonna retire us to the Jersey Flats.
No, no funny stuff. I'm telling you, Wilson's gonna take him.
Jim.
All we gotta do....
We set up a little layoff.
You and me, we take a nice 6, 7 percent cut.
We walk away, couple hundred grand. No risk.
I'd rather walk away with a couple of million.
Yeah.
Yeah, all right. All right, I'll go along.
But if Wilson loses, you better have snowshoes.
Because north of the Arctic Circle is the only place we'll be safe.
Welcome to Jackson, Mr. Wilson. Welcome.
It's a great honor to serve you. Great honor.
Uh, I'm going to take you up to the suite myself. Here, let me take this.
Uh, there are three parties in progress, one of which started yesterday afternoon.
If there's anything you need, anything. The hotel does allows pets in the room.
If you understand my meaning.
I don't keep pets.
No pets, no booze.
- I can read. - And no parties.
Oh, that's Aunt Hortense.
The last party she was at was, uh, Teddy Roosevelt's inauguration.
- Is she your aunt by blood or marriage? - Blood.
I'd be careful about having any children if I were you.
Always am.
That's the fifteenth private jet this morning. What's going on?
Bare-knuckle fight.
California boy named Philo Beddoe...
is taking on some monster from the East Coast.
- I ain't seen anything in the papers. - Strictly illegal.
No referee, and the fight won't end until one or the other's half dead.
Oh, my God.
- I think I'm doing something wrong. - You're doing just fine, hon.
Yeah, but we've been flying upside down for 15 minutes, Zack.
It takes a little time to get the hang of it. Don't be so hard on yourself, foxy.
It's like that ride at the fair where everything falls out.
- I hope so. - Oh, you're terrible.
- You can't drink upside down. - Sure, you can.
- Here, try it. - All right.
Hey, it worked.
You'd be surprised what you can do upside down.
- Surprise me. - Oh!
I'll take the south side of town. You take the north.
- What are we looking for? - I don't know.
Keep your eyes out for anything peculiar.
And keep Aunt Hortense out of sight, will you?
Why, you're Philo Beddoe.
PHILO: Yes, ma'am. - It's him!
- Why, he's looking too good. - Oh. Too good by half.
Excuse me, ma'am.
We can't get decent odds on you looking that good.
We're trying to find some fool who'll give us 2-to-1.
Try to look a little more peaked, would you?
Excuse me.
- Oh. Sorry. - You damn fool!
- Let me see that hand. - What?
Wiggle your fingers.
You could have broke that hand and made paupers out of all of us.
Sorry.
What are you standing here gabbing for? Get on back to jogging.
I think I might do that.
Oh, and no booze, no parties. In bed by 8:00.
You can count on that.
I do.
Did y'all see that?
The way he grabbed me with one hand like I was a feather?
Son of a gun, boys, we're gonna be rich.
We're already rich, Zack.
Mind if I jog with you?
You work for some pretty strange folks.
Who I work for is my business.
They got my girl.
Hey, they're running together.
Jesus. Talk about beef on the hook.
MAN: Wilson will eat him for breakfast.
- I got 40 on Beddoe. - You're on.
I didn't know.
I didn't say you did. I just said you worked for some strange folks.
Well, their business isn't mine.
I never said it was.
We're even, remember?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, Jim.
Tony Paoli's on the way up.
- Poor little Tony, he never learns. - Not junior, senior.
- Big Tony? - Big Tony.
What's he coming here for?
Ah, Mr. Paoli. What a pleasure to see you.
I hear you ain't laying off any of the action.
No, not so far. No, sir.
You got guts. I admire a man with guts.
So I says, "Big Tony, maybe now's the time you go out...
and make a little bet with this high-roller Beekman with guts."
A hundred thousand?
Mr. Beekman, you and I are not men who deal in five zeroes.
Uh, he means six zeroes, Jim.
"He means six zeroes, Jim."
Of course, I have to cover it.
Ha, ha. Of course.
Give us a look, sweetie.
Come on, honeybunch, show us those big blue eyes.
No.
Uh-uh. Mm-mm.
He's a menace. Goes around peeking in windows.
Ogled at me last night while I was getting it on with two young beauties.
Look, Clyde has no interest in human sex.
What were you doing, getting it on with apes?
Get out. Out.
Let's go.
- The fight ain't on till noon. - I know.
But I found where they're holding Lynne. Best to hit them when they move her.
- What's going on? - He found out where Lynne is.
Let's go.
Uh, I know they're packing heat and they might use it.
I'm his friend and Clyde's his friend. We go.
Hop in there, kid.
Hey.
Right turn, Clyde.
- You all right? - I'm fine.
Why don't you get the cops and the ambulance?
- The cops ain't part of the bargain. PHILO: Just the ambulance, then.
That bullet was mine.
I like being a hero too, sometimes, you know.
Well, you're doing a good job with it.
Look, I just saved you guys' ass from the slam.
So now they belong to me.
But if I ever see you again, I'm gonna come a-collecting.
You just get in this car and keep driving west, till you see the surf.
You got it? Move.
PHILO: I owe you one. WILSON: Uh-uh. We're even.
Your hairy friend back there saved my skin for me.
- We're even, then. LYNNE: You're not gonna fight, are you?
Well, if I don't, it's a forfeit.
A lot of people bet money on me. Not all of them are rich.
If neither one of us showed up, then there wouldn't be any fight.
Then all the bets would be off.
That's something to think about.
Wilson! He hung up.
Well, that's it.
Neither of them are gonna show.
- All the bets are off, then. - Damn it.
I spent a lot of time, a lot of money setting this thing up.
Well, you better let the sporting folks know.
Yeah.
- So are you gonna fight? PHILO: I don't know. Depends on Wilson.
You wanna stay here with Orville?
On your way out, could you kind of tell the nurses what a hero I am?
- Why didn't I think of that? - Is that the hero?
Oh, yeah. That's him lying right there.
You're a good man, Philo Beddoe.
It hurts right here.
- Young man's got a real healthy appetite. - That he does.
I don't think we can end it even.
I don't think.
But then, on the other hand...
I don't have any great desire to make Beekman rich.
You figure you would?
I figure.
But then, I guess we'll just have to find out if I would have or not, huh?
I guess.
Real shame.
It would've been the fight of the century.
Sure as hell would have.
I blew a $100,000 deal to get out here for this fight.
Hell, it would have been worth it.
- Wilson would have taken him. - Ha.
- The hell he would have. - Who cares?
PHILO: Get up there.
BOY 1: Hey, look at this.
BOY 2: What? GlRL: What?
BOY 2: Whoa!
Let me see.
OFFICER: All right, you kids, what are you doing here?
I said, what are you kids doing here? Come on. Move back, move back.
It's on. It...
- What? What? - The fight. Give me that.
Jackson Base, this is Car 2. Uh, the fight... The fight is on. Here.
Breaker, breaker, 1-9. This is your good news channel.
MAN: It's on! The fight is on!
Did you hear that?
What you waiting for, dummy?
Aren't you gonna have any? Come on.
Yeah?
- Jim, the fight is on. They're fighting! - What time is it?
- Uh, it's 11:50. - All bets don't cancel till noon.
That means all bets are still on. Come on, let's go! Let's go!
It's on.
- What? - The fight.
It's on. The fight's on!
Hey, Cholla. What are we doing on foot?
- I told you, the cops pinched the bikes. - Yeah, but what for?
Who's running this outfit anyway, you or me?
- Come on, Clyde. - Come on.
Just right around the corner and we'll be ringside, boys.
- Get along, honey. Come on. - It's just around the corner.
Where's the fight?
Come on, Zack. Let's go!
That's it. That's it.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Come on, Philo! Come on!
Come on!
Kill him. You heard me. Right now.
Nino.
Listen up. That's Beekman's hoods up there.
They're gonna kill Beddoe.
Cholla, that's great. Let's give them a hand.
You twit!
I sold all the bikes and put every nickel we had on Beddoe to win!
Cholla, how could you?
We've been at war with Beddoe for over a year.
War is war, but business is business.
If Beddoe losses, we are flat busted.
Hell yeah, business is business.
Don't just stand there, you freaks, go get them!
BLACK WIDOWS: Yeah!
- Aah! - Shall we?
We could end it here, you know.
Even?
No, you owe me one.
- Hey, is it over? - I don't know.
You think I'd buy that when I'm still standing?
Nope.
It's broke.
That's it.
- No, it ain't. - That's it.
- His arm's broke. - Philo broke his arm.
Stop this. It doesn't matter.
- It matters to me. WILSON: Beddoe.
We're even.
I owe you.
MAN: Come on. Put that spaghetti down. Come on.
I knew he'd do it.
MAN: You get your money's worth.
- Was I out? - Yeah.
- How long? - Long enough.
That's it, then.
That's it.
That was one hell of a fight.
You better get that arm fixed.
- I think we better get out of here. - I think you're right.
He's paying off 30 cents on the dollar.
But he offered us 40 cents if we promised not to touch him.
- Did you promise? - Of course.
Good.
Now go back there and kill him.
Hell, Zack, 30 cents on the dollar isn't gonna pay for the cost of that plane.
It don't matter.
Hell, it's worth it to pay for the privilege of seeing a fight like that.
Sure as hell is.
I should say.
I'm gonna have to call you on your bloomers, ma'am.
Oh, damn it. Chivalry ain't dead in Texas.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
- What's the matter? Who is it? - Tony's boys.
Tony's boys? What are they coming here for?
- What the hell do you think for? - Yeah, but they promised.
Come on. Come on.
Hurry up. Grab the case. Come on.
Hey, Beekman, I believe you owe us another 70 cents on the dollar.
Come on, get out of the way, you punks.
You really don't know who we are, do you? Tell him who we are.
We're the Black Widows. We're feared throughout the land.
MAN: Jim. - Let's get the hell out of here!
Hey.
You see how they lit out of here when they found out who we was?
- Didn't I tell you I'd make you great? - Yeah.
- Yeah, but we sure got screwed, man. - Right, Dallas, we got screwed.
Not quite.
And I'd, uh, check that case if I were you.
- Nothing. ALL: Ha-ha-ha!
[SINGING] Just love me any which way you can
My love's not the choking kind
You've got your life And I've got mine
So if you can never be free
ORVILLE: I got a telegram from Ma in Bakersfield.
She's at another revival meeting.
What are you gonna do, you gonna head back East?
Yeah, I guess so.
California ain't such a bad place.
Well, I'm not all that wild about it. But I do like the people.
And the music is great.
Why, thank you.
What about Beekman? You gonna have problems with him?
Beekman's the one with a problem. He can't cover the bets.
- Orville, what do you say? - I'm staying here in Jackson. Medical care.
Sure.
I love the place and I love the people.
Right, Clyde? Mm.
Right, Clyde. Mm.
Just love me any which way you can
My love's not the choking kind
You've got your life And I've got mine
Hey, Beddoe!
You talking to me?
Yeah, I'm talking to you. We got a little debt to settle.
We do, huh?
Forty bucks.
Now, I believe that makes us even.
I believe so.
You know, Beddoe, that was one hell of a fight you put up over there.
I mean, one hell of a fight.
I understand you boys had a little scuffle yourself.
Yeah, wasn't half bad.
Uh....
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
These things don't look bad when you get them on straight.
No, they look real good.
You take care, Beddoe.
You do the same.
Let's go.
CHOLLA: Are we rich, Widows? BLACK WIDOWS: We are rich, brother!
PHILO: What do we have here?
New girlfriend, Clyde?
Very nice, but we may have trouble getting you this one.
We'll do what we can, boy.
I thought I recognized you and your hairy friend.
Because of you, I'm stuck out here in this steam bath.
I'm citing you for speeding and reckless driving.
What? We were only doing 50.
- I'm impounding this truck for evidence. - Impounded for what?
Evidence for transporting an animal without certificates of ownership...
and certificates of inoculation.
Nobody owns Clyde. He's a free person.
The animal goes to the kennel. The truck goes to the yard.
I'm gonna be roasting out in this desert for three years because of you, Beddoe.
You're gonna pay.
Right turn, Clyde.
Onward.