NARRATOR: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary invention to Gotham.
On a peaceful motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne...
... and his ward, Dick Grayson, have been summoned back to Wayne Manor...
... by an urgent but anonymous call for help.
The invention and its custodian are reported in grave danger...
... aboard the yacht.
Never ones to shirk responsibility...
... Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve...
... descend promptly to the Batcave.
And then, as they have done many times before...
... as Batman and Robin, courageous warriors against crime...
... they are off, once again, to the rescue.
Batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Roger. Ready to move out.
Batmobile to airport, red alert. Prepare Batcopter for takeoff.
Batmobile approaching.
MAN: Red Alert! Gotham Tower to all aircraft in the control zone.
Enter your holding pattern. Batcopter cleared for takeoff.
It's good to know they're up there doing their job.
Batdrift angle: 03 to starboard.
Roger. Correcting to port.
Altitude: 317. Sink rate: 0.49.
- Drop Bat ladder. - Bat ladder away.
Lock computer on afterdeck. Set automatic Bathold.
Watch out. This could be tricky.
Have no fear. I'll keep all my wits about me. So long, for a minute.
Batman to Robin, ease off on the power!
Increase sink rate!
Roger! Wilco!
Take her up!
Holy sardine!
Hand me down the shark-repellent Bat spray!
[EXPLODES]
GORDON: Enough pictures. BATMAN: This must be brief.
O'HARA: You're lucky they'll talk. - Mr. Merrick of The Gotham City Times.
A yacht approaching the city is said to have disappeared.
- Nonsense. How can a yacht disappear? - It isn't true?
I stand on my answer. Mr. Stanley of The Globe.
- It was a Big Ben Distilleries yacht? - That's right
Isn't the proprietor, Commodore Schmidlapp...
...bringing a new invention from Big Ben's lab?
- No more questions about that ship. - What about that shark?
BATMAN: Unfortunately, it chanced to swallow a floating mine.
I wouldn't worry about that. You there, Miss...
Comrade Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.
From The Moscow Bugle.
You grace us with your presence. May I be of service?
Please, take off the mask to give the better picture.
- Batman take off his mask? O'HARA: She's mad.
BATMAN: Chief O'Hara, all of you.
This young lady is a stranger. Her request is not unnatural...
...however, impossible to grant.
- Impossible? - Indeed.
If we were to remove our masks, our true identities would be revealed.
- Ruining their value as crime fighters. - Not even we know who they are.
In fact, our own relatives don't know.
But your so curious costumes...
Don't be put off by them. Under this we're ordinary Americans.
You're like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns?
Batman and Robin are deputized agents of the law!
- "Support your police" is our message. - Well said, Robin.
And no better way to end this conference.
- Thank you and good day. MAN: Batman...
O'HARA: Never mind, everybody out. Come on, we're all busy here.
A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears.
If I'd told the truth, panic would grip the city.
The truth. Sure and what is the truth?
A decoy. An strange anonymous warning...
...that Schmidlapp's in danger, to lure me into a trap.
An attempt on Batman's life.
While they were luring you to a watery grave...
...the yacht was being hijacked?
- Precisely! - And who behind it?
What known super criminals are at large now?
I'll check at once, Batman.
Let's have the latest status report on criminals at large. Thank you.
Coming up on the closed-circuit TV screen.
MAN: Status report. Known super criminals not currently imprisoned.
BATMAN: Penguin.
That pompous waddling master of foul play.
ROBIN: Joker! O'HARA: Clown prince of crime!
If I had a nickel for every time he baffled us!
GORDON: The Riddler too?
So it seems. To plague us with his conundrums.
ROBIN: Gosh, and the Catwoman! - End of status report.
Could be any one of them, but which one?
Which ones?
Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.
- Where there's a fish, there's Penguin. - Wait! It happened at sea.
See? "C" for Catwoman!
Yet, that exploding shark was pulling my leg.
- The Joker! - It all adds up to a sinister riddle.
Riddle-er. Riddler?
A thought strikes me.
So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance.
The four of them. Their forces combined.
- Holy nightmare! - Batman, could it be?
I don't know.
But I think I know where to find a clue.
Robin, to the Batcave! We haven't one moment to lose!
Ahoy, Catwoman.
How many times have I told you? Never use my real name in public!
You and your trained exploding shark!
How should I know they'd have a can...
...of shark-repellent Bat spray? You sniveling sardine!
You pompous puffed-up penguin!
Friends, make peace. Have a shake on me.
A joke a day keeps the gloom away!
Sic them, Hecate, scratch out their eyes.
- Take away that ravenous panther! - I'll feed him to the birds.
I'll incapacitate it with my trick confetti!
"United Underworld." We're about as united...
...as the members of the United World headquarters.
- What's the matter with you all? - She's right.
If we don't manage to swallow our super-criminal pride...
Right, Mr. Riddler, quite right!
We must hang together, or we shall hang separately.
What a pity that would be on the eve of the greatest criminal coup ever!
- How did it go, Catwoman? - Purr-fectly. Purr-fectly.
In my disguise as Kitka, I penetrated their press conference.
- The fools are completely baffled. - But undrowned.
Yes, unfortunately.
Batman's boots didn't even look damp!
Our prisoner still doesn't know he's kidnapped?
He just keeps ringing for his tea.
[BELL RINGS]
- There he goes again. PENGUIN: Take it to him, man.
[FOG HORN BLOWS]
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Your tea, commodore.
Thank you, steward. Good service aboard this yacht.
We strive to give satisfaction, sir.
Your face has the most ghastly pallor.
Are you getting enough sea air?
My duties keep me mostly undercover.
Too bad.
How much longer will this yacht be fogbound off the Grand Banks?
I couldn't say, sir.
Well, gives me a chance to catch up on my Dickens.
Still, I'd like to get to Gotham City.
I've a clever invention with me, stored down in the hold.
Should be worth millions of dollars, pip-pip!
Well, pip-pip to you, sir! If you wish anything further, just ring!
[FOG HORN BLOWS]
Schmidlapp's invention in our hands...
...the whole world almost literally in our grasp!
And Batman and Robin still alive to block us.
Everything pip-pip with the prisoner! Hasn't a clue.
- I bet the Dynamic Duo has. - What?
A clue on how we made that ship disappear.
- And when they solve it... - They'll be out to investigate.
But we'll be there first. If we hurry, that is.
Catwoman, you tend to this headquarters.
- Attention, you unfathomable finks! - Yo-ho!
Call down to our secret river-bottom dock.
- Prepare our submarine for sea. - Yo-ho!
- Yo-ho what? - Sir!
Holy Merlin magician! Get set for a shock.
The Batcamera was aimed at the yacht.
BATMAN: My hunch was right. - I don't get it...
Think! As you remarked, no one can make...
...a seagoing vessel simply disappear.
Provided it was ever really there at all.
- You mean...? - Precisely!
The yacht we thought we saw was a mere illusion.
A tricky projection akin to the common desert mirage.
It deceived our naked eyes...
...but was blocked by the Batcamera's Batfilter!
I know where that projection came from.
- Observe that bell buoy. ROBIN: What about it?
The coordinates of our position were 10.3 by 69-B.
Feed those figures into the navigational aid computer.
Roger.
No legal bell buoy at that position.
As I surmised, an illegal projection buoy cleverly camouflaged.
Maybe the crooks left fingerprints!
Good thinking, let's find out. To the Batboat, fast!
- One thing I don't dig, Batman. - Oh?
If that ship was a mirage, where's the real one?
Taken to some secret island hideaway with every soul aboard, save one.
- Commodore Schmidlapp? - Precisely.
For some reason the hijackers needed him...
...or his invention as part of their criminal scheme.
Keep an eye on the scope. Watch for suspicious vessels.
It looks like we've got the whole ocean to ourselves.
Diving planes, Mr. Bluebeard, three degrees.
Hoist three degrees.
I hope you know what you're doing, Penguin.
Mr. Riddler, I ignore your insipid insinuation, sir!
Mr. Joker, you're leaning on the control!
Don't sound so bossy, if you please!
As the poet says:
"On land, you may command. At sea, it is me!"
Now hear this. This is your captain speaking, my fine pinioned pirates.
We're approaching the buoy. There may be skullduggery ahead!
MAN: Yo-ho! - What? What?
Unidentified small craft, bearing 113.
Mr. Bluebeard, hold her steady! Up periscope!
Great quivering icebergs! Just as I hoped.
BATMAN: Watch out.
An underwater shark cage. The source of that fish.
What cruelty! Stuffing a poor shark with deadly TNT!
Nothing's sacred to those devils.
Torpedoes! What are we waiting for?
Chain of command, Mr. Riddler. The Penguin runs the ship.
Mr. Joker. Load the torpedo tubes!
Yo-ho!
Load torpedo tubes!
Salt and corrosion.
The infamous old enemies of the crime fighter. No prints here.
Look here, Batman.
That tricky mirage projector must be behind this plate.
Wow! What a set of superpower lenses! No wonder we were fooled.
Look, Robin.
ROBIN: Holy Long John Silver! A periscope!
He spotted us! Set torpedoes to automatic homing.
Set torpedoes to automatic homing!
You crazy bird. Fire them off, quickly!
Activate the remote control Penguin magnet inside that buoy.
Yo-ho!
Holy glue pot! What's going on?
The fiends! They've converted this buoy into a gigantic magnet!
It's got us by the metallic objects in our utility belts.
Torpedo tubes armed!
Batman! We're helpless in this monstrous, invisible grip!
- Steady, Robin. I see one hope. - What, Batman?
If I could just pry loose my utility belt transmitter!
- Mr. Joker, are you ready to fire? - Yo-ho, ready to fire!
Five, four, three, two.
- Fire 1! - Fire 1!
Torpedoes!
If I can just reverse the polarity, send out waves of super energy.
- What happened? - Mr. Joker, fire 2!
Fire 2!
Here comes another one!
You and your reconditioned surplus torpedoes!
He must be using a super energy reverse polarizer! Mr. Joker, fire 3!
Fire 3!
Here comes a third one!
Confound it, the batteries are dead!
This one's getting through!
It is. It's getting through.
[TORPEDO EXPLODES]
Surface, Mr. Bluebeard!
Let us feast our eyes on the watery remains!
Gosh, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise.
True, Robin. It was noble of that animal...
...to hurl himself into the path of that torpedo.
He gave his life for ours.
Operator, give me the Pentagon, Navy department.
Too bad.
[PHONE RINGS]
Admiral Fangschliester's office.
Hello, Batman speaking.
Oh, hello.
- Who is it? - Batman.
Oh, Batman.
Hello, Batman. Ahoy! What can I do for you?
Hello, admiral. A routine question.
Have you recently sold surplus submarines? If so, to whom?
Just a moment, I'll have to look that up.
[WHISTLES]
Keep practicing.
Answer: Affirmative. We disposed of a surplus submarine on Friday.
A pre-atomic model. To some chap named P.N. Gwynne.
- P.N. Gwynne? - The Penguin!
Did this P.N. Gwynne leave an address?
Just a post office box number. Would you like it?
No, thank you, admiral. You've been very helpful.
Your tone sounds grim. We haven't done anything foolish?
Disposing of submarines to persons who don't even leave their addresses?
- Good day, admiral. - Gosh!
The Penguin in command of a pre-atomic submarine!
- Grave situation, Robin. - Lf only we knew what he was up to!
[RUMBLING]
Holy Polaris!
From that submarine, no doubt.
That missile, it's written something.
ROBIN: A riddle, in the form of a joke!
Let's race back to headquarters. You know what this means, don't you?
Our fear is confirmed. Penguin, Joker, Riddler, their forces combined.
- Heaven only knows the objective! - It may be worse.
- Saints alive, how can that be? - Look at this pair of riddles.
"What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?"
- He gobbles up. - Of course.
- And number two.
"What weighs 6 ounces, sits in a tree and is dangerous?"
- A sparrow with a machine gun. - Of course.
Now, combine both answers.
What kind of creature would gobble up a bird in a tree?
Heaven protect us, a cat!
Yes, the criminal catalyst in this entire affair...
...our old archenemy, Catwoman.
Penguin, Joker, Riddler and Catwoman too!
The sum of the angles of that rectangle is monstrous.
We've been given warning. They work to take over...
- Gotham City? - Any two of them might try that!
- The whole country? - Lf it were three, I'd say yes.
But four? Their minimum objective must be...
...the entire world.
CATWOMAN: The United World building, comrades.
Our objective, the Security Council.
Sitting like fat birds in a tree just waiting to be snatched.
And you bungled it! The Dynamic Duo escaped our trap!
Passing porpoises which intercept torpedoes!
There ought to be a piscatorial statute!
Time is short! We've got to get Batman before he gets us.
I could lure him into a giant exploding octopus...
After one of your fishy explosions, they're still in one piece.
I suppose they'll be broken up by your moldy jokes!
Shut up, all of you! I see the way to do it.
We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand.
And we'll do it right here!
- How? - How?
The end.
The end of...
We shall spring them from the Joker's jack-in-the-box...
...through that window, out over the sea...
...and into the waiting arms of the Penguin's exploding octopus!
The trigger? One of my riddles.
And the bait? You, Catwoman.
You're mad. The minute Batman spots her...
...he'll bop her with a Batarang.
You don't understand. She will be disguised as Kitka.
And as Kitka, she shall lure some millionaire into a kidnap trap.
Of course! With a clever clue pointing here.
- Batman will race to the rescue. - Capital!
But who are we going to kidnap?
I know the perfect victim.
I know the perfect victim! I know!
Bruce Wayne, the millionaire head...
...of that disgusting do-gooding Wayne Foundation.
Delicious! Just the sort of square citizen Batman will dash to rescue.
- Then snap! - Into the combination trap.
Purr-fect, Riddler, purr-fect.
Comrade Wayne? My name is Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.
I'm from The Moscow Bugle. My friends call me Kitka.
Kitka. Kitka, a charming acronym.
Thank you, Comrade Wayne.
The Wayne Foundation is known from Leningrad to Kamchatka.
It works for peace and understanding.
Your picture has appeared countless times in The Moscow Bugle.
I'm most grateful, I wasn't aware of that.
Oh, da, da.
You found these riddles on Wayne Foundation stationery under your door?
Yes, Comrade Wayne. That's why I brought them to you.
I thought it was some foolishness, then I remembered:
Is there not a bourgeois criminal cad...
...the Riddler, who preys upon the workers?
Your jargon is quaint, Miss Kitka.
But there is such a creature.
What do we do now? Report these riddles to your police...
...or perhaps to that Cossack Batman?
That's hardly necessary at the moment.
Doubtless it's the work of some harmless crank.
Nevertheless, shall we give this matter further consideration...
...over dinner tonight?
What a purr-fectly lovely idea.
I'll telephone to cancel a previous engagement.
Alfred will see you to the door.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Alfred, see Miss Kitka out, please. Meet me in the Batcave. Emergency.
Very good, sir.
Listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as I do.
- "What has yellow skin and writes?" - A ballpoint banana.
Right. "What people are always in a hurry?"
Rushing people? Russians!
Right again. What would you say they mean?
Banana, Russian...
A Russian will slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
Precisely, the only possible meaning.
- A clear threat to Miss Kitka's life. - Who?
Miss Kitka, the charming Russian journalist for The Moscow Bugle.
In some way she must have unwittingly stumbled on the criminals' plot!
What is the scheme?
Tonight Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.
- A not displeasing chore. - Indeed.
I've rarely met a girl...
...who's a potent argument in favor of international relations.
You will dog our footsteps in the Batmobile.
You'll keep watch via the Batscanner.
- Lf the Riddler tries to make good... - I'll bash him brutally.
- Then we close in with the police. - Yes.
- Got your driver's license? - In my wallet.
Good man. Drive carefully. Good luck! This may be a memorable night.
[SINGS IN FRENCH]
This curtain which separates our countries is so foolish.
If we could just contrive...
...some way of getting more deeply involved with each other.
Da, we must search for such a method.
[WHISPERS]
It's wrong to listen to this.
Some things have to be private, even for a crime fighter.
Your discretion is admirable, Master Robin, yes.
- Time for another check-in. - Roger.
[BEEPING]
- Commissioner. - Yes?
- Yes, Boy Wonder. - Batmobile position:
Gotham Park, proceeding south on West Drive.
About to pass Benedict Arnold monument.
Still in the park? It's been almost an hour. What are they doing?
No comment, commissioner. Let's just say, no sign of criminal activity.
Yes, I understand.
I've just thought of a clever ruse.
Have Chief O'Hara flash the Batsignal.
If you say so, but why?
The crooks will think we're racing to headquarters.
Thinking we're out of the way, they might strike at Miss Kitka!
Devilishly clever!
- Thank you. Batmobile over and out. - Right.
- Chief O'Hara, flash the Batsignal. - Yes, sir.
Shades of Smolensk, what is that?
BRUCE: Incredible, I don't...
- Of course! How clever. - Clever, Comrade Wayne?
I mean, clever device, Miss Kitka.
It's the Batsignal, from the roof of police headquarters.
Batman must be racing there in response.
Then you did get the police to call them in for my protection.
Yes, yes.
How purr-fectly wonderful of you!
I close my eyes and I dream of those savage Cossacks...
...racing over the steps on their mission.
How strange.
I close my eyes, and I dream of something...
...quite astonishingly different.
Da, da.
Keep your eyes closed. Continue with this dream.
The dream continues.
[BEEPING IN MORSE CODE]
- It approaches a climax. - Nyet.
Not so fast. Be more slow.
Miss Kitka?
May I see you home to that penthouse apartment?
- He swallowed the Catbait! - And now to make him Batbait.
Finks, Morgan, Bluebeard, Quetch, the jetpack umbrellas!
Yo-ho-ho, sir!
I'll slip into something more comfortable...
...while your cocoa is warming.
Is that prudent? Our instructions were to keep watch.
I don't know about prudent. But it's the only decent thing to do.
Perhaps. Yes, yes.
There it is, 73rd Street and Concord Avenue.
Follow me down to the terrace.
And all my days are trances And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy dark eye glances
And where thy footstep gleams
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Edgar Allan Poe, Miss Kitka.
"To One in Paradise," first stanza.
About that dream you had...
- Do we dare? - Why not?
Yes, of course. Why not?
Of what use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action?
Into action, comrade.
Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling...
...that I am about to be utterly and madly carried away.
[CRASHING]
- This is a kidnapping! - Our joke's on you!
You filthy criminals!
[HISSES]
- Much as one deplores indiscretion... - Right.
I'll just take one tiny, tiny peek.
- Holy demolition! - Bless my dustpan!
Cover the exits. I'll race up with my Batrope!
Holy Halloween!
[HOWLS]
Strange, Batman should've been here hours ago.
Maybe you didn't leave a clear enough clue.
I did! I can't understand why Batman hasn't dashed into our trap.
He puts his foot here, my secret jack-in-the-box fires...
...shooting him over the sea...
...into the waiting arms of Penguin's exploding octopus.
What a deliciously humorous trajectory!
And nothing to link us with the crime.
You abominable outlaws! What have you done with Miss Kitka?
She's quite well, Mr. Wayne.
I swear by heaven, if you've harmed that girl...
...I'll kill you all.
I'll rend you limb from limb!
Mr. Wayne, must you be so impulsive?
Where is she? Show me Miss Kitka...
...or I'll wreck this place with my dying breath!
Blindfold the captive.
Lead him down the labyrinthine path to chamber 17.
Two minutes, no more.
- Turn on the secret microphone. - Quiet, quiet!
- Miss Kitka. - Comrade Wayne.
- Are you all right? - Da, da.
I'll curse myself forever.
This nasty soup we're in is of my brewing.
If I hadn't let your beauty lull me off guard...
Off guard, comrade?
There are some things I cannot disclose.
But we're in the hands of the most vicious foursome.
I fear we have nothing to look forward to but death.
It may not be that black, Comrade Wayne.
Batman and Robin are probably hot on our trail.
From something I happened to overhear...
... I think we are merely bait for Batman.
Once he's in their trap, we'll be released.
A slender hope, Miss Kitka. More slender than you can know.
You do not think Batman will get here?
That I cannot say.
Did you overhear any mention...
...of any other prisoner of this rotten gang?
No, I did not.
Who on earth could you mean?
[BELL RINGS]
Commodore Schmidlapp ringing for his tea.
Just a thought, it doesn't matter. Speedy escape is our only hope.
A moment, while I think...
Why didn 't I think of it sooner?
[BELL RINGS]
Of what?
Up my sleeve I have a radio transmitter strapped above my elbow.
- What a curious device to carry. - Not at all.
Capitalists who carry a lot of money have safety contrivances.
If I can just get at it...
Wiggle around back-to-back.
Maybe you can reach it with your fingers.
Da.
Let's get him.
There we are.
You think you're pretty clever, don't you?
- Clever enough to outwit you. - We'll see about that.
Dear colleagues, let's see what's strapped above his left elbow.
Cretinous creatures! I knew you'd been listening in!
I told you that fish story about a radio...
Get him!
Miss Kitka! Where are you?