Bo Bo
øÉĀļ What?
×ÖÄ» Old MacDonald had a farm
×ÖÄ» E I e I o
×ÖÄ» And on that farm he had a pig
×ÖÄ» E I e I o
×ÖÄ» Here a snort
×ÖÄ» There a
×ÖÄ» Old MacDonald had a farm
×ÖÄ» E I e I o
ÕāŹĒBo Burnham This is Bo Burnham.
¶žŹ®¶žĖź He's 22 years old.
ÄŠŠŌ He's a male.
Ėūæ“ĘšĄ“Ļń³¤¾±Ā¹ŗĶ And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe
°¬Ā×µĀÕ²ÄįĖ¹ŌÓ½»µÄ²śĪļ having sex with Ellen Degeneres.
“óĶ· Š”ČéĶ· He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples.
¹żČ„ĪåÄźĖū½«×Ō¼ŗøōĄėĘšĄ“ He's isolated himself over the last 5 years
ĪŖĮĖ×źŃŠĻ²¾ē in pursuit of comedy.
²¢ĒŅ And,
ĪŖĮĖÕāŃł in doing so,
ÓėĻÖŹµÉś»īĶŃ¹ģ has lost touch with reality.
ÄćŹĒøö»ģµ° Bo You're an asshole, Bo.
Ģż¼ūĮĖĀš You hear me?
ÄćŅŌĪŖÄć¶®µĆ±ČĪŅ¶ą You think you know better than me.
ÄćŅŌĪŖÄć±ČČĪŗĪČĖ¶¼¶®µĆ¶ą You think you know better than everybody.
Äć½«¹Ā¶ĄÖÕĄĻ You will die alone.
ÕāŹĒÄć×ŌÕŅµÄ And you will deserve it.
Ķ¬Ź± But in the meantime,
Äć»įĖµŅ»Š©Éµ±ĘŁāŁāµÄŠ¦»° you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours.
æ“æ“ÕāÓŠŹ²Ć“ĀŃÓĆ See if that helps.
Äć×öĻ²¾ē You used to do comedy
µ±Äć¾õµĆ×Ō¼ŗŗÜÓÄÄ¬µÄŹ±ŗņ when you felt like being funny.
×ÖÄ» But now you're contractially obligated
²»ČēĢųĪč ÄćøöĖĄŗļ×Ó so dance you fucking monkey.
²»ČēĢųĪč ŗļ×Ó ²»ČēĢųĪč Dance, monkey, dance!
»¶Ó­ Welcome to the show
ĖūŹĒBo ÕāŹĒĖūµÄ±ķŃŻ this is Bo, this is his show.
Ļ²»¶ÕāŃłĢųĪč And Bo likes to dance like this.
»¶Ó­ ÕāŹĒBo Welcome to the show, this is Bo
ÕāŹĒĖūµÄ±ķŃŻ this is his show.
ĖūÕāŃłĶŃæć×Ó And Bo takes off his pants like this.
ŃŻ×ąŅžŠĪµÄ¹Ä Play an invisible drum.
ŃŻ×ąŅžŠĪµÄŠ”ŗÅ Play an invisible trumpet.
Š”ŗÅµÄÉłŅō Trumpet sound!
ŗČŠ©ŅžŠĪµÄĖ® Drink some invisible water,
ĀčµÄ Oh shit!
ŹĒÕęµÄĖ® That water is real!
BoĻėČĆÄćĆĒ¾õµĆŹę·ž Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
×ÖÄ» Random voice
BoĻėČĆÄćĆĒ¾õµĆŹę·ž Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
×ųĻĀ ·ÅĖÉ ĻķŹÜÕā So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of
³¤Ź±¼äµÄŃŪÉń½»Į÷ prolonged eye contact.
ĢņĢņ×ģøüŹę·žąø Lick your lips to make it more comforting.
Ļėæ“Ä§ŹõĀš Do you wanna see a magic trick?
Ļė Yeah!
Ļėæ“Ä§ŹõĀš Do you wanna see a magic trick?
Ļė Yeah!
Ļėæ“Ä§ŹõĀš Do you wanna see a magic trick?
Ėę»śŃ”Ņ»ÕÅÅĘ Then pick a card any card.
×ÖÄ» Sike!
Ä§ŹõŹĒ¼ŁµÄ Éµ±Ę Magic isn't real, you idiot.
¹öČ„¶ĮŹé°É Read a book.
Ä§ŹõŹĒ¼ŁµÄ Éµ±Ę Magic isn't real, you idiot.
¹öČ„¶ĮŹé°É Read a book.
Ä§ŹõŹĒ¼ŁµÄ Éµ±Ę Magic isn't real, you idiot.
¹öČ„¶ĮŹé°É Read a book.
Ä§ŹõŹĒ¼ŁµÄ Magic isn't real.
ŹĒĀš Or is it?
ŌŚÄÄøöŹ±æĢ And at that moment,
×ÖÄ» Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
×ÖÄ» melted into childlike wonder.
Ėū“ÓĄ“²»ÖŖµĄ He never knew there could be
ŹĄ½ēČē“ĖĘęĆī so much magic in the world.
ÕāŹĒøö³äĀśæÉÄÜŠŌµÄŹĄ½ē Bo It's a world of possibilities, Bo.
ÄćĻėĻČ×öŹ²Ć“ŹĀĒé What do you wanna do first?
ÅÜ²½Āš Run?
µ±Č» ÄćæÉŅŌÅÜ Yeah, sure you can run.
·ÉĀš Fly?
µ±Č» ÄćæÉŅŌ·É Well yeah, you can fly.
Ź²Ć“ What?
ÄćŌŚøÉĀļ What are you...
ÄćĖūĀčŌŚ What the fuck you...
ÄćĖūĀčŌŚøÉŹ²Ć“ What the fuck are you doing?
Ķ£ Stop-
Ķ£ĻĀ St- Stop it!
Ź²Ć“¹ķ What the f-
Äćøö°×³Õ Ķ£ You fucking idiot, stop.
Ķ£ĻĀ Stop.
×ÖÄ» Anyways.
×ÖÄ» In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy.
×ÖÄ» A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud
×ÖÄ» about being called one in high school.
×ÖÄ» He then came across an old bridge
×ÖÄ» with a troll standing guard.
×ÖÄ» Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by.
×ÖÄ» The troll spoke thus:
×ÖÄ» "All right, for the last time man, I'm not a troll."
×ÖÄ» "I'm homeless."
×ÖÄ» "Okay? Do you have any spare change?"
×ÖÄ» "Okay, that's a used napkin."
×ÖÄ» "I don't want that."
×ÖÄ» "No. No, stop. Just-"
×ÖÄ» "You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave."
×ÖÄ» And then,
×ÖÄ» as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage,
×ÖÄ» he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him.
×ÖÄ» And the pentacorn spoke thus:
×ÖÄ» "Hello, Bo!"
×ÖÄ» 'I've been looking for you for quite a long time no-"
×ÖÄ» He was safe.
×ÖÄ» For now...
×ÖÄ» But the dark thoughts would soon return.
×ÖÄ» It's godzilla!
×ÖÄ» Aaaahhhhh!!!
×ÖÄ» Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!
×ÖÄ» Oh my god ahhhhh!!!!
×ÖÄ» Godzilla!!
×ÖÄ» Aaaaauuugghhhhhh!!!
×ÖÄ» It's so hard to be a lizard.
×ÖÄ» It's hard to be a lizard.
×ÖÄ» Tiny arms, itchy gizzard.
×ÖÄ» It's hard to be a lizard.
×ÖÄ» But it's harder to segue.
×ÖÄ» Is he skiing?
×ÖÄ» Or is he in a gay porn?
×ÖÄ» Is he skiing?
×ÖÄ» What?
×ÖÄ» Or is he in a gay porn?
×ÖÄ» Is he skiing?
×ÖÄ» Huh!
×ÖÄ» Or is he in a gay porn?
×ÖÄ» Here's a hint.
×ÖÄ» He's in a gay porn.
×ÖÄ» Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying.
×ÖÄ» So give 'em the real thing!
×ÖÄ» My voice is so fucking natural.
×ÖÄ» It's naturally good.
×ÖÄ» Naturally good!
×ÖÄ» Na-a-a-aturally good.
×ÖÄ» This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show.
×ÖÄ» Welcome to the show!
×ÖÄ» That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid.
×ÖÄ» Anyway,
×ÖÄ» San Francisco!
×ÖÄ» Yeah!
×ÖÄ» We are a place.
×ÖÄ» In California-
×ÖÄ» Um, I'd like to, uh,
×ÖÄ» I'd like to start with a joke for my male audience.
×ÖÄ» Uh, this is a joke for the fellas.
×ÖÄ» Where are my fellas at?
×ÖÄ» Fellas?!
×ÖÄ» Yo, fellas don't you hate it when you're
×ÖÄ» blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot?
×ÖÄ» Am I right?!
×ÖÄ» I've been blowing a faggot this whole time?
×ÖÄ» Third time this week.
×ÖÄ» Thank you so much.
×ÖÄ» We're having fun...
×ÖÄ» This, um-
×ÖÄ» This show is called "What".
×ÖÄ» And I hope there are some surprises for you,
×ÖÄ» or someth-
×ÖÄ» Jesus, sorry.
×ÖÄ» It's a good start.
×ÖÄ» Uh, hope there's-
×ÖÄ» He meant to knock the water over.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, yeah, yeah.
×ÖÄ» But you all thought it was an accident.
×ÖÄ» But, he meant to knock the water over.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, yeah, yeah.
×ÖÄ» Art is a lie.
×ÖÄ» Nothing is real!
×ÖÄ» So, um, we uh-
×ÖÄ» Grow up!
×ÖÄ» Grow up with your applause.
×ÖÄ» Stick it...
×ÖÄ» He meant to knock the water over.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, yeah, yeah.
×ÖÄ» But you all thought it was an acc--
×ÖÄ» Just, don't, if it's on repeat it will repeat.
×ÖÄ» Just... we can cut all this, so...
×ÖÄ» We meant to play the track again.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, yeah, yeah!
×ÖÄ» But you all thought it was an accident.
×ÖÄ» But, he meant to play the water track
×ÖÄ» a-ga-ga-gain!
×ÖÄ» Art's still a lie.
×ÖÄ» Nothing's still real!
×ÖÄ» Food jokes. Let's do some food jokes.
×ÖÄ» Segues are weird. Um...
×ÖÄ» I had a hot dog for breakfast today,
×ÖÄ» and afterwards I felt like this.
×ÖÄ» Cos I couldn't control my stools.
×ÖÄ» Alright, jesus...
×ÖÄ» I'm glad you like poop based puns
×ÖÄ» They will be a majority of the show.
×ÖÄ» Never waste a moment,
×ÖÄ» every moment can become a comedic moment.
×ÖÄ» See.
×ÖÄ» So... Just a little lesson for comedians.
×ÖÄ» This first song, is called:
×ÖÄ» "A world on fire"
×ÖÄ» This next song, it's a little bit...
×ÖÄ» it's a little bit longer then that one.
×ÖÄ» And... Thank you.
×ÖÄ» It's about how sad I am, and I'm really sad, it's called "Sad"
×ÖÄ» It's about all the sad stuff
×ÖÄ» Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self.
×ÖÄ» I met a homeless man named Rich.
×ÖÄ» Isn't that terrible?
×ÖÄ» I saw a flyer for a lost dog,
×ÖÄ» and the dog did not have any legs.
×ÖÄ» I saw a diabetic kid,
×ÖÄ» trick-or-treating.
×ÖÄ» I saw a giraffe who had a short neck.
×ÖÄ» That was sad, or a dear?
×ÖÄ» I saw an old man get hit by a train.
×ÖÄ» He didn't see it in the pouring rain.
×ÖÄ» He didn't hear me shout:
×ÖÄ» "Look out for the train!"
×ÖÄ» Cos I didn't say anything.
×ÖÄ» I just thought to my self:
×ÖÄ» "Ooh, this is going to be sad."
×ÖÄ» And it was.
×ÖÄ» I'm a genius.
×ÖÄ» I saw a man with only one eye,
×ÖÄ» in a 3D movie.
×ÖÄ» I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone
×ÖÄ» directly on his mothers corpse!
×ÖÄ» I saw a kitten stuck in a tree.
×ÖÄ» Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self
×ÖÄ» I saw a boy who had red hair.
×ÖÄ» I went to a store
×ÖÄ» looking for something to buy.
×ÖÄ» But they only sold paintings
×ÖÄ» of the same sad guy.
×ÖÄ» No wait!
×ÖÄ» This store sells mirrors,
×ÖÄ» see what I did there?
×ÖÄ» Lets rock!
×ÖÄ» No.
×ÖÄ» The worlds is so sad bros.
×ÖÄ» Pain.
×ÖÄ» Genocide, war.
×ÖÄ» Sexism, Racism.
×ÖÄ» But I gotta remember there's good things about it too.
×ÖÄ» Like the fact that
×ÖÄ» none of that is happening to me. Score!
×ÖÄ» Still though it's hard not to be sad about it.
×ÖÄ» How do you all do it?
×ÖÄ» I've been telling you guys
×ÖÄ» terribly sad things this whole song
×ÖÄ» you haven't been sad at all,
×ÖÄ» you've been...
×ÖÄ» You've been happy.
×ÖÄ» No...
×ÖÄ» You've been laughing.
×ÖÄ» That's it, laughter.
×ÖÄ» That's the key to everything.
×ÖÄ» It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world.
×ÖÄ» I mean not for the people that are actually sad,
×ÖÄ» but for people like us,
×ÖÄ» that gotta fucking deal with them all the time.
×ÖÄ» Being a comedian is't being an insensitive prick,
×ÖÄ» capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public.
×ÖÄ» It's being a hero.
×ÖÄ» The world isn't sad,
×ÖÄ» the world is funny.
×ÖÄ» I'm a sociopath!
×ÖÄ» I saw an old man slip and fall.
×ÖÄ» Hey, what a fucking idiot.
×ÖÄ» I saw a woman at her daughters funural.
×ÖÄ» Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy.
×ÖÄ» Everything that once was sad
×ÖÄ» is somehow funny now.
×ÖÄ» The holocaust and 9/11,
×ÖÄ» that shit's funny 24/7.
×ÖÄ» Cos tragedy
×ÖÄ» will be exclusively joked about.
×ÖÄ» Because my empathy
×ÖÄ» is bumming me out.
×ÖÄ» God-bye sadness!
×ÖÄ» Hello jokes.
×ÖÄ» Thank you.
×ÖÄ» I've got a really good joke
×ÖÄ» about video editors.
×ÖÄ» Video editors are so fucking...
×ÖÄ» I think we should do a poem right now,
×ÖÄ» if that's ok?
×ÖÄ» This poem is a little bit sappy,
×ÖÄ» a little bit romantic,
×ÖÄ» so we'll get it out of the way now,
×ÖÄ» and we'll go back to the...
×ÖÄ» Oops...
×ÖÄ» the dirty stuff, you know.
×ÖÄ» Everyone loves at a late show or whatever.
×ÖÄ» Ok
×ÖÄ» It's called: "I fuck sluts"
×ÖÄ» It's not a roll call but thank you.
×ÖÄ» Sluts!
×ÖÄ» I fuck sluts.
×ÖÄ» Sluts get fucked
×ÖÄ» when I fuck sluts.
×ÖÄ» No ifs ands or buts.
×ÖÄ» I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts!
×ÖÄ» Nice girls are nice.
×ÖÄ» But no good for nut sucking.
×ÖÄ» They'll need a serene night
×ÖÄ» to green-light a buttfucking.
×ÖÄ» But that'll be easy
×ÖÄ» with sleazy old slut fucking.
×ÖÄ» Boo to the nice girls,
×ÖÄ» praise be to slut fucking.
×ÖÄ» I have a list.
×ÖÄ» A list?
×ÖÄ» Yes, a list
×ÖÄ» of all the sluts I've missed.
×ÖÄ» I've never fucked
×ÖÄ» or sucked these sluts.
×ÖÄ» And thus my nuts
×ÖÄ» are fucking pissed.
×ÖÄ» So when I fuck
×ÖÄ» the lucky slut
×ÖÄ» my nut removes her from the list.
×ÖÄ» Another dumb cum-bucket
×ÖÄ» struck from my
×ÖÄ» nut sucking,
×ÖÄ» suck it slut,
×ÖÄ» slut fucking,
×ÖÄ» bucket list.
×ÖÄ» Yes, you hear the influences:
×ÖÄ» Chaucer, Keats.
×ÖÄ» Um...
×ÖÄ» The pages are blank, I know it.
×ÖÄ» Why am I lying to you?
×ÖÄ» Sluts can be white, black,
×ÖÄ» brown, pink, or almond.
×ÖÄ» They can be skinny with big tits,
×ÖÄ» or be skinny with small ones.
×ÖÄ» Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh,
×ÖÄ» with their brains and their clothes
×ÖÄ» all shrunk from the wash.
×ÖÄ» Excuse me.
×ÖÄ» But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart.
×ÖÄ» These sluts can lift all your thoughts
×ÖÄ» from your dick to your heart.
×ÖÄ» They can talk about science music or art.
×ÖÄ» They can put you together,
×ÖÄ» or they can pull you apart.
×ÖÄ» But don't trust there sluts,
×ÖÄ» Don't, don't you dare.
×ÖÄ» They'll force you to trust them and love them and care
×ÖÄ» And then they'll be gone
×ÖÄ» and you'll be aware
×ÖÄ» of the hole in your heart
×ÖÄ» that that dumb slut left there.
×ÖÄ» Thank you very much.
×ÖÄ» So, he was lashing out with sexist language
×ÖÄ» cos he had his heart broken.
×ÖÄ» We all learn something.
×ÖÄ» Thank you all for coming.
×ÖÄ» I know some of my bits
×ÖÄ» are a little bit fast and dense,
×ÖÄ» a little bit hard to follow,
×ÖÄ» particularly that one.
×ÖÄ» So I want to do something
×ÖÄ» a little bit slower, for the people,
×ÖÄ» maybe the older people in the crowd,
×ÖÄ» or something, so umm...
×ÖÄ» This's for you:
×ÖÄ» Here's a slow joke.
×ÖÄ» What did the ear of corn say
×ÖÄ» when all of it's clothes fell off?
×ÖÄ» Aww, shucks!
×ÖÄ» Get it?
×ÖÄ» Like "Shucks" As in shucking corn
×ÖÄ» and also "Shucks" The exclamation.
×ÖÄ» Am I right?
×ÖÄ» Good. We're having fun.
×ÖÄ» Umm...
×ÖÄ» My father recently told me
×ÖÄ» that I act too flamboyant on stage.
×ÖÄ» And I said: "Really dad?"
×ÖÄ» "Prove it!"
×ÖÄ» "Well what about that joke"
×ÖÄ» "Where you throw confetti at the end of it?"
×ÖÄ» "Well I haven't written that joke yet,"
×ÖÄ» "Cos it's based of this conversation!"
×ÖÄ» "Gotcha!"
×ÖÄ» Keep it, keep the struggle.
×ÖÄ» We are having a lot of fun guys.
×ÖÄ» Don't worry, you don't have
×ÖÄ» to fill the silences with laughter or applause.
×ÖÄ» I don't want you leaving this show thinking:
×ÖÄ» "My hands hurt from clapping."
×ÖÄ» "My stomach hurts from laughing."
×ÖÄ» I just want you leaving the show, thinking:
×ÖÄ» "Meh... alright..."
×ÖÄ» And we are on our way.
×ÖÄ» I moved to, um... Hollywood recently
×ÖÄ» from boston, where I grew up and...
×ÖÄ» Places!
×ÖÄ» And I...
×ÖÄ» I heard about these sort of
×ÖÄ» wild Hollywood party nights that people would have
×ÖÄ» and I did not think they were true.
×ÖÄ» Untill I moved to Hollywood
×ÖÄ» and I started having them.
×ÖÄ» Anyway, this is a song
×ÖÄ» about a crazy night
×ÖÄ» that happened a couple of weeks ago.
×ÖÄ» It's called: "What did I do last night?"
×ÖÄ» Yeah! Yeah!
×ÖÄ» Hey! Hey! Hey!
×ÖÄ» What did I do last night?
×ÖÄ» I cried my self to sleep!
×ÖÄ» It was a good one.
×ÖÄ» When did my mother first describe gay sex to me?
×ÖÄ» Good question, I was 8 yoears old...
×ÖÄ» I was 8 years old,
×ÖÄ» she brought me into the dining room,
×ÖÄ» she sat right across the table from me.
×ÖÄ» "Do you know how your father and I love each other"
×ÖÄ» "Of course."
×ÖÄ» "You and dad love each other"
×ÖÄ» "More then two people could possible love each other."
×ÖÄ» "Well two men can love each other in the exact same way"
×ÖÄ» "That your father and I love each other."
×ÖÄ» "What happens when two men love each other like that."
×ÖÄ» "What they do is, they take off all their clothes"
×ÖÄ» "Umm.. they get into bed"
×ÖÄ» "And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!"
×ÖÄ» So I don't talk to her anymore.
×ÖÄ» Ok
×ÖÄ» Hello patient #24602
×ÖÄ» Hi. I'm sorry.
×ÖÄ» How are you feeling?
×ÖÄ» Not great.
×ÖÄ» Has the treatment been working?
×ÖÄ» No, it hasn't been.
×ÖÄ» What are you'r remaining symptoms?
×ÖÄ» I just... I internalise my feelings.
×ÖÄ» I have trouble articulati...
×ÖÄ» Like, other people, and relating to them...
×ÖÄ» So basically you're still a little bitch?
×ÖÄ» Real mature of you, disembodied voice.
×ÖÄ» I was just joking nigger.
×ÖÄ» We are right by Oakland,
×ÖÄ» Careful with that shit.
×ÖÄ» I'm not human, I can say whatever I want.
×ÖÄ» Alright, Just get to the...
×ÖÄ» What, what's wrong with me, please.
×ÖÄ» Your emotions and your logic are at war.
×ÖÄ» Ok.
×ÖÄ» Your creativity and your analysis are at war.
×ÖÄ» And most simply
×ÖÄ» Your left and your right brain are at war.
×ÖÄ» My left and my right... ?
×ÖÄ» To fix the problem
×ÖÄ» We must separate them from each other.
×ÖÄ» Separa...
×ÖÄ» Splitting your neurological functions in:
×ÖÄ» We book an appointment.
×ÖÄ» You don't just start counting down.
×ÖÄ» This may hurt a bit
×ÖÄ» I don't even know what "It" Is.
×ÖÄ» Zero.
×ÖÄ» Just...
×ÖÄ» Isolation complete.
×ÖÄ» This is Bo's left brain.
×ÖÄ» Objective. Logical. Cold.
×ÖÄ» Analytical. Aware of patterns.
×ÖÄ» Aware of trends.
×ÖÄ» He's efficient.
×ÖÄ» And a prick.
×ÖÄ» This is Bo's right brain.
×ÖÄ» Subjective. Creative. Sensory.
×ÖÄ» Aware of feelings.
×ÖÄ» Aware of people.
×ÖÄ» He's emotional.
×ÖÄ» Yes.
×ÖÄ» And an idiot.
×ÖÄ» That's your opinion... So just...
×ÖÄ» Be careful with opinions... Yooo!
×ÖÄ» Play nice.
×ÖÄ» I am the left brain. I am the left brain.
×ÖÄ» I work really hard
×ÖÄ» to my inevitable death brain.
×ÖÄ» You've got a job to do,
×ÖÄ» you better do it right.
×ÖÄ» And the right way is with the left brains might.
×ÖÄ» I like Oreos and pussy!
×ÖÄ» Yeah! Ok!
×ÖÄ» And I cried for at least an hour
×ÖÄ» after watching Toy Story 3.
×ÖÄ» I am the right brain.
×ÖÄ» I have feelings.
×ÖÄ» I'm a little all over the place,
×ÖÄ» but I'm lustful, trustful,
×ÖÄ» and I'm looking for somebody to love.
×ÖÄ» And put my penis in!
×ÖÄ» Here comes a female,
×ÖÄ» here comes a female.
×ÖÄ» Puff your chest out take your phone
×ÖÄ» and check your e-mail
×ÖÄ» Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate,
×ÖÄ» so gather data now
×ÖÄ» and see if she's a possible mate.
×ÖÄ» Holy fuck! I think she might be the one!
×ÖÄ» There's something about her,
×ÖÄ» I just can't describe it.
×ÖÄ» Tits.
×ÖÄ» I am the earth she is the glorious sun.
×ÖÄ» I want her to trust me,
×ÖÄ» and I just want her to sit on my face.
×ÖÄ» Sit... sit...
×ÖÄ» Alright new right brain,
×ÖÄ» you're being insane.
×ÖÄ» No left brain!
×ÖÄ» I'm just being alive!
×ÖÄ» You should try it.
×ÖÄ» You might like it.
×ÖÄ» I worked hard to give him
×ÖÄ» everything he cared about.
×ÖÄ» You were worried about
×ÖÄ» the things he was scared about.
×ÖÄ» I'm calm and collected
×ÖÄ» when you act wild.
×ÖÄ» I am the adult,
×ÖÄ» you are the child.
×ÖÄ» You think you are the right one every time.
×ÖÄ» You think you know everything.
×ÖÄ» You don't know anything
×ÖÄ» at all.
×ÖÄ» Half of his problems
×ÖÄ» were supposed to be mine.
×ÖÄ» But you wanted everything.
×ÖÄ» I hope that you're happy.
×ÖÄ» Cos he's sure not.
×ÖÄ» Well according to my calculations,
×ÖÄ» you are a pussy!
×ÖÄ» Name calling? Really?
×ÖÄ» We're going to do name calling?
×ÖÄ» We are not calling names.
×ÖÄ» We are just stating facts.
×ÖÄ» And the fact is:
×ÖÄ» You're a quivering pussy.
×ÖÄ» I'm the pussy?
×ÖÄ» Well at least I don't play with toys still.
×ÖÄ» OK, Rubik's cubes are not toys.
×ÖÄ» They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp.
×ÖÄ» Left brain plays with toys.
×ÖÄ» Look at you, Johnny fucking...
×ÖÄ» toy player!
×ÖÄ» Well at least I did my fucking job.
×ÖÄ» I kept him working,
×ÖÄ» I kept him productive.
×ÖÄ» You were supposed to look after him.
×ÖÄ» You were supposed to keep him
×ÖÄ» emotionally stable through all this,
×ÖÄ» now you are trying to blame me
×ÖÄ» for how he's feeling.
×ÖÄ» How he's feeling?
×ÖÄ» If he's feeling unhappy,
×ÖÄ» it's because you failed him.
×ÖÄ» You did this to him, he hates you
×ÖÄ» I know he does.
×ÖÄ» He fucking hates you!
×ÖÄ» Right brain, look, I'm sorry.
×ÖÄ» No you're not...
×ÖÄ» Look, maybe there's something
×ÖÄ» that we could do together.
×ÖÄ» Together?
×ÖÄ» Take the best parts of both of us.
×ÖÄ» And put them together.
×ÖÄ» I'm listening...
×ÖÄ» It would let you let your feelings out,
×ÖÄ» it would let me analyse.
×ÖÄ» So you could man the themes,
×ÖÄ» I'll man the form.
×ÖÄ» It's something that George Carlin did,
×ÖÄ» It's something that Steve Martin did,
×ÖÄ» It's something special that we could both perform.
×ÖÄ» Do you know what it is?
×ÖÄ» Juggling?
×ÖÄ» We could juggle,
×ÖÄ» and juggle our cares away!
×ÖÄ» It was comedy.
×ÖÄ» We could do comedy together.
×ÖÄ» Initiate reassembly.
×ÖÄ» Alright, right brain,
×ÖÄ» we are going to do comedy together.
×ÖÄ» Altight left brain,
×ÖÄ» I'll do comedy with you.
×ÖÄ» Look, we can fix him like this.
×ÖÄ» Make him happy again.
×ÖÄ» I promise.
×ÖÄ» Left brain...
×ÖÄ» Left brain I love you!
×ÖÄ» I know.
×ÖÄ» Experimentation complete.
×ÖÄ» Thank you very much.
×ÖÄ» At this part of the show
×ÖÄ» I'd like to talk about how deep I am.
×ÖÄ» I'm pretty fucking deep... deep... deep...
×ÖÄ» So deep...
×ÖÄ» That I called this song...
×ÖÄ» Hash-tag deep.
×ÖÄ» Have you ever stopped
×ÖÄ» to watch a bluebird drop from a tree
×ÖÄ» and take to the air?
×ÖÄ» Me neither.
×ÖÄ» Have you ever took time
×ÖÄ» out to finish a rhyme
×ÖÄ» but the right words just weren't there?
×ÖÄ» Meat cleaver.
×ÖÄ» The people in my life,
×ÖÄ» are like grains of sand.
×ÖÄ» Cos they stick together.
×ÖÄ» Often near my butthole.
×ÖÄ» If life is an ocean,
×ÖÄ» I am a deep and handsome fish.
×ÖÄ» A fish that's drowning.
×ÖÄ» If the artistic process
×ÖÄ» is a birth canal
×ÖÄ» then I am a freshly jellied kid,
×ÖÄ» come witness my crowning.
×ÖÄ» These thoughts of mine,
×ÖÄ» must be a sign that I'm,
×ÖÄ» hash-tag deep.
×ÖÄ» If jesus can walk on water,
×ÖÄ» can he swim on land?
×ÖÄ» Have you ever
×ÖÄ» accidentally peed on the toilet seat
×ÖÄ» instead of on your girlfriends face.
×ÖÄ» Me neither.
×ÖÄ» Me neither!
×ÖÄ» Have you ever wrote a song
×ÖÄ» note for note,
×ÖÄ» and not a single note was out of place.
×ÖÄ» The people in my life,
×ÖÄ» are like blades of grass.
×ÖÄ» How?
×ÖÄ» Cos they're all so grounded,
×ÖÄ» But at least grass stays away
×ÖÄ» from my BUTTHOLE!
×ÖÄ» Art is a harlot,
×ÖÄ» and I am her sassy urban friend.
×ÖÄ» Oooh... That's why
×ÖÄ» you're being so selfish.
×ÖÄ» If mamma is right,
×ÖÄ» and the world is my oyster,
×ÖÄ» then I must have an allergy to shell...
×ÖÄ» You don't know,
×ÖÄ» how could you know?
×ÖÄ» If life makes you wish
×ÖÄ» you were dead.
×ÖÄ» Just put on a good movie
×ÖÄ» then promptly put a bullet in your head.
×ÖÄ» Spend forever asleep.
×ÖÄ» Cos life pales in comparison
×ÖÄ» to living the dream.
×ÖÄ» Hash-tag deep.
×ÖÄ» Thank you.
×ÖÄ» Don't you hate it when that happens?
×ÖÄ» Yeah.
×ÖÄ» Thank you, That's called:
×ÖÄ» "Beating off in A minor".
×ÖÄ» Yes... Yes...
×ÖÄ» "A-minor", the key, not the felony.
×ÖÄ» So...
×ÖÄ» I believe...
×ÖÄ» I beilive there's nothing more manly
×ÖÄ» one can do
×ÖÄ» then take a shower with 5 other guys.
×ÖÄ» It's true.
×ÖÄ» It's early caveman, Cro-Magnon,
×ÖÄ» wandering though the fog.
×ÖÄ» You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens,
×ÖÄ» no homo.
×ÖÄ» I'd like to do... erm...
×ÖÄ» do some poems right now.
×ÖÄ» Erm... if that's ok?
×ÖÄ» We're at this point at the show.
×ÖÄ» These poems are actually...
×ÖÄ» I'm releasing this special for free
×ÖÄ» so I'm going to plug my poetry book.
×ÖÄ» These are my new poems from my poetry book
×ÖÄ» called "Egghead".
×ÖÄ» That will be out by the time this is airing.
×ÖÄ» But not by the time
×ÖÄ» you guys are seated here right now.
×ÖÄ» They are pretty serious,
×ÖÄ» and it's all just sort of...
×ÖÄ» This is usually the lull of the show. Usually.
×ÖÄ» So I like at this point to sort of
×ÖÄ» take the pressure of the audience.
×ÖÄ» And just read some poems,
×ÖÄ» and then we'll go back to the giggles. So...
×ÖÄ» This is a poem by a dog:
×ÖÄ» "Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray."
×ÖÄ» "Let's go chase cars."
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» "Me. With my strange choice of adjectives."
×ÖÄ» "You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina."
×ÖÄ» "I put a chameleon on a red dildo."
×ÖÄ» Well...
×ÖÄ» "He blushed!"
×ÖÄ» There we go.
×ÖÄ» This is a poem about beauty,
×ÖÄ» about self image,
×ÖÄ» and about the ability to transform.
×ÖÄ» "Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon."
×ÖÄ» "So she wrapped her self up"
×ÖÄ» "In a curtain cocoon."
×ÖÄ» "And after a week she finally emerged."
×ÖÄ» "She smelled like shit! What a psycho."
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» "You're incomparable."
×ÖÄ» "Like a ... "
×ÖÄ» + +
×ÖÄ» "I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!"
×ÖÄ» "I want to grab one of those"
×ÖÄ» "High end fashion manikins by the ankles"
×ÖÄ» "And bash your rib cage in!"
×ÖÄ» "I want to sharpen 15 pencils"
×ÖÄ» "Bind them with a rubber band"
×ÖÄ» "Stick the lead in your mouth"
×ÖÄ» "And punch the erasers!"
×ÖÄ» "I want to strap you to a bed of nails"
×ÖÄ» "Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car"
×ÖÄ» "So I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps"
×ÖÄ» "In a mall parking lot during an earthquake!"
×ÖÄ» "I want you to somehow survive"
×ÖÄ» "A terrible car crash and then somehow"
×ÖÄ» "Not survive a small fender bender"
×ÖÄ» "On the way back from a hospital."
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» Thank you that's called "Dad".
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» This is a poem... It's really a story
×ÖÄ» that's meant primarily for children.
×ÖÄ» But I think it's got a lesson
×ÖÄ» we could all learn.
×ÖÄ» "The squares lived happily."
×ÖÄ» "In their square houses."
×ÖÄ» "In their square yard."
×ÖÄ» "In their square town."
×ÖÄ» "But then one day,"
×ÖÄ» "A family of circles moved in from the west"
×ÖÄ» "Get out of here roundies!"
×ÖÄ» "Shouted one of the squares."
×ÖÄ» "Why? Said one of the circles"
×ÖÄ» "Cos this is a metaphor for racism"
×ÖÄ» + +
×ÖÄ» "When I walk into a party"
×ÖÄ» "You'd think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces"
×ÖÄ» "Cos everyone's just like: Oh yeah. This guy's here"
×ÖÄ» "Finally we've been waiting for him to show up"
×ÖÄ» Like you wait... in the game... Forget it.
×ÖÄ» No. You had your chance.
×ÖÄ» "If I had a million dollars"
×ÖÄ» "I'd pay your mother to have sex with me"
×ÖÄ» "Afterwards I'd probably invest the remaining $999.990"
×ÖÄ» Ten dollars for sex with your mother.
×ÖÄ» Comedy!
×ÖÄ» I smell comedy.
×ÖÄ» Well, it was comedy giving off that scent.
×ÖÄ» And finally:
×ÖÄ» "Mid October,"
×ÖÄ» "With leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings."
×ÖÄ» "The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions."
×ÖÄ» "And me."
×ÖÄ» "Eating that pussy baby!"
×ÖÄ» + Thank you so much.
×ÖÄ» Um...
×ÖÄ» There's things that I don't want to come across
×ÖÄ» In my show, that I worry often come across, about me,
×ÖÄ» cos people don't realize it's an act up here.
×ÖÄ» I don't want you to ever
×ÖÄ» think that I think that I'm better then people.
×ÖÄ» or that I think I know better then people.
×ÖÄ» Um... anyway, sorry. OK.
×ÖÄ» This is a song from the perspective of God.
×ÖÄ» + +
×ÖÄ» Books you think I wrote are way to thick.
×ÖÄ» Who needs a thousand metaphos
×ÖÄ» to figure out you shouldn't be a dick.
×ÖÄ» And I don't watch you when you sleep
×ÖÄ» Surprisingly I don't use my omnipotence
×ÖÄ» to be a fucking creep.
×ÖÄ» You're not going to heaven.
×ÖÄ» Why the fuck would you think
×ÖÄ» I'd ever kick it with you?
×ÖÄ» None of you are going to heaven.
×ÖÄ» There's a trillion aliens cooler then you.
×ÖÄ» You shouldn't abstain from rape
×ÖÄ» just cos you think that I want you to.
×ÖÄ» You shouldn't rape
×ÖÄ» cos rape is a fucked up thing to do.
×ÖÄ» Pretty obvious, just don't fucking rape people.
×ÖÄ» Didn't think I needed to write that one down for you.
×ÖÄ» I don't think masturbation is obscene.
×ÖÄ» It's absolutely natural
×ÖÄ» and the weirdest fucking thing
×ÖÄ» I've ever seen.
×ÖÄ» You make my job a living hell.
×ÖÄ» I send gays to fix overpopulation.
×ÖÄ» Boy did that go well.
×ÖÄ» You're not going to heaven.
×ÖÄ» Eat a thousand crackers,
×ÖÄ» sing a million hymns.
×ÖÄ» None of you are going to heaven.
×ÖÄ» You're not my children,
×ÖÄ» you are a bad game of sim.
×ÖÄ» You shouldn't abstain from pork
×ÖÄ» just cos you think that I want you to.
×ÖÄ» You can eat pork
×ÖÄ» cos why the fuck would I give a shit?
×ÖÄ» I created the universe,
×ÖÄ» you think I'm drawing the line at the fucking deli isle?
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» You argue and you bicker
×ÖÄ» and you fight.
×ÖÄ» Atheists and Catholics,
×ÖÄ» Jews and Hindus argue day and night.
×ÖÄ» Over what they think is true.
×ÖÄ» But no one entertains the thought,
×ÖÄ» that maybe God does not Believe in you.
×ÖÄ» You pray so badly for heaven.
×ÖÄ» Knowing any day might be the day that you die.
×ÖÄ» But maybe life on earth could be heaven?
×ÖÄ» Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?
×ÖÄ» My love's the type of thing
×ÖÄ» that you have to earn.
×ÖÄ» And when you earn it
×ÖÄ» you won't need it.
×ÖÄ» My love's the type of thing
×ÖÄ» that you have to earn.
×ÖÄ» And when you earn it
×ÖÄ» you won't need it.
×ÖÄ» I'm not gonna give you love
×ÖÄ» just cos I know that you want me to.
×ÖÄ» If you want love
×ÖÄ» then the love has gotta come from you.
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» "Walking between the micorphones"
×ÖÄ» "Is really awkward."
×ÖÄ» Tell me about it.
×ÖÄ» Um...
×ÖÄ» Women are stupid!
×ÖÄ» Yeah I fucking said it.
×ÖÄ» They are the weaker, dumber sex.
×ÖÄ» I can prove it to you.
×ÖÄ» I like to practice safe sex.
×ÖÄ» Why? Cos I'm a guy.
×ÖÄ» And I'm smarter.
×ÖÄ» What do women say, every time?
×ÖÄ» Every time I put on a condom,
×ÖÄ» what do they say?
×ÖÄ» "Why are you wearing a condom?"
×ÖÄ» "I'm fucking you with a strap-on."
×ÖÄ» To be safe bitch!
×ÖÄ» Women right, they're the dumb ones.
×ÖÄ» It's time for a story.
×ÖÄ» Let's do a story.
×ÖÄ» "It's time for a story."
×ÖÄ» "A very special story"
×ÖÄ» "Especially for you."
×ÖÄ» "It's time for a story."
×ÖÄ» "It's time for a story!"
×ÖÄ» "Sit down and listen now."
×ÖÄ» "Don't be a Jew."
×ÖÄ» This story is called...
×ÖÄ» It's a glitch! You can be Jewish.
×ÖÄ» This story...
×ÖÄ» This story is called: "Andy the frog".
×ÖÄ» Featuring long and convoluted similes.
×ÖÄ» And I'll warn you when one of those
×ÖÄ» long and convoluted similes
×ÖÄ» rears it's old, head.
×ÖÄ» So here we go:
×ÖÄ» "Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy."
×ÖÄ» "Andy lived at the patent park pond."
×ÖÄ» "And he never hopped anywhere else"
×ÖÄ» "In his entire frog life."
×ÖÄ» "He had three best friends:"
×ÖÄ» "Milly, who never left her lily pad."
×ÖÄ» "Billy, who was always hopping mad."
×ÖÄ» "And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn."
×ÖÄ» "So one day..."
×ÖÄ» "One day..."
×ÖÄ» "Andy saw something hop across the grass"
×ÖÄ» "On the other side of the pond."
×ÖÄ» "Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy."
×ÖÄ» "Across the pond stood"
×ÖÄ» "The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen."
×ÖÄ» "She's gorgeous! -Said Milly."
×ÖÄ» "She's beautiful! -Said Billy."
×ÖÄ» "A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger."
×ÖÄ» "Classic Roger!"
×ÖÄ» "And then she was gone."
×ÖÄ» "I need to go find her! -Said Andy."
×ÖÄ» "I need to follow my little frog heart."
×ÖÄ» "So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest."
×ÖÄ» "He then came across a turtle."
×ÖÄ» "You can't pass! -Said the turtle."
×ÖÄ» "Please? -Said Andy."
×ÖÄ» "No! -Said the turtle."
×ÖÄ» And this is the first long convoluted simile:
×ÖÄ» "Then there was a rustling in the bushes."
×ÖÄ» "And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,"
×ÖÄ» "The turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle."
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» "Andy kept moving, but at this point,"
×ÖÄ» "Like the doctor of the Kenyan track team"
×ÖÄ» "His patience ran thin."
×ÖÄ» "Andy kept moving."
×ÖÄ» "He then came across a giant crocodile."
×ÖÄ» "And the crocodile began to chant:"
×ÖÄ» "I woke up this morning,"
×ÖÄ» "And I sat on a log."
×ÖÄ» "I opened up the menu,"
×ÖÄ» "The menu said FROG!"
×ÖÄ» "Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!"
×ÖÄ» "I can feel my self dying!"
×ÖÄ» "You're ripping out my insides!"
×ÖÄ» "I'm never going to find her, am I?"
×ÖÄ» "There's no God, Is there?"
×ÖÄ» "Fuck!" "FUCK!!!!"
×ÖÄ» The end. The end!
×ÖÄ» So, that's the end of that story.
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» If you are curious, the moral of that story
×ÖÄ» is irrelevant, cos we are humans.
×ÖÄ» Why would it apply to us?
×ÖÄ» Um...
×ÖÄ» You know my father
×ÖÄ» is so hard to get along with.
×ÖÄ» Cos he's such a man's man.
×ÖÄ» You know? He beilives, like, for example:
×ÖÄ» You should always fight fire with fire.
×ÖÄ» Which is a horrible way to live your life.
×ÖÄ» Especially for him, because he's a firefighter so...
×ÖÄ» He was fired...
×ÖÄ» That was as stupid as we get.
×ÖÄ» But let's get a little stupider, ha?
×ÖÄ» "There's a creepy old man"
×ÖÄ» "Fishing in a park."
×ÖÄ» "And the only problem is"
×ÖÄ» "He tied a candy bar"
×ÖÄ» "To the end of his line."
×ÖÄ» "He's trying to catch a kid."
×ÖÄ» You know that stuff...
×ÖÄ» Trying to get a little more mainstream.
×ÖÄ» Um... People complain about the way I act on stage
×ÖÄ» very often, you know.
×ÖÄ» They say, like, I repeat jokes.
×ÖÄ» Or they also say that
×ÖÄ» They say... They don't get again,
×ÖÄ» that this is an act, on stage.
×ÖÄ» They think on stage I act
×ÖÄ» too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
×ÖÄ» solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms.
×ÖÄ» And they want me to be...
×ÖÄ» They want me to be a comic of the people.
×ÖÄ» You know. Relate to the people
×ÖÄ» with the overarching glue of comedy.
×ÖÄ» So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys.
×ÖÄ» I'm like you guys, you know.
×ÖÄ» Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression
×ÖÄ» where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha!
×ÖÄ» And what I like to do in
×ÖÄ» order to assure my self that I am unique,
×ÖÄ» and not just one of many small white indistinguishable
×ÖÄ» perfectly cylindric checker
×ÖÄ» pieces in jesus and Satan's backgammon game.
×ÖÄ» Is, I will... I'll say a group a words
×ÖÄ» that I think no one has ever said.
×ÖÄ» in that order.
×ÖÄ» So that... when I say it,
×ÖÄ» I feel like: "Look at me!"
×ÖÄ» Participating in this new
×ÖÄ» moment that no one's ever been a part of.
×ÖÄ» So I'll say something random like
×ÖÄ» "Peanut-butter tribadism."
×ÖÄ» "I'm your father and I loved your comedy show."
×ÖÄ» "At first I wasn't
×ÖÄ» comfortable leaving him alone with my children"
×ÖÄ» "But then I saw his mustache. Phew..."
×ÖÄ» Or um...
×ÖÄ» "Yo! Check out this Amish website!"
×ÖÄ» Or um...
×ÖÄ» "I work at a toll booth and I don't want to kill my self."
×ÖÄ» Or... That's... too...
×ÖÄ» Too real.
×ÖÄ» "Yo man! Life's about three things man,"
×ÖÄ» "Three things!"
×ÖÄ» "Gettin' money!"
×ÖÄ» "Gettin' pussy!"
×ÖÄ» "And the Dewey Decimal System!"
×ÖÄ» Or... Um...
×ÖÄ» "Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I'm gonna go fuck a woman."
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» Um... If I could break...
×ÖÄ» I want to tank you all for being here
×ÖÄ» because I...
×ÖÄ» I'm so grateful that you'd all come here
×ÖÄ» and spend an hour of your time with me.
×ÖÄ» And if you are watching at home or whatever.
×ÖÄ» On a computer or something.
×ÖÄ» If you have made it this far,
×ÖÄ» That you very much for watching.
×ÖÄ» Genuinely... I... This is my favorite thing to do.
×ÖÄ» And I'm so grateful for people watching it
×ÖÄ» and enjoying it. Um... OK.
×ÖÄ» I will now recede back into my stage persona
×ÖÄ» I just blacked out for 20 seconds.
×ÖÄ» Thank you for coming.
×ÖÄ» Love songs used to be so beautiful.
×ÖÄ» "Let us go then, you and I."
×ÖÄ» "When the evening is spread out against the sky"
×ÖÄ» "Like a patient etherised upon a table" -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful.
×ÖÄ» Love songs now a days
×ÖÄ» Just as beautiful, guys!
×ÖÄ» Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D.
×ÖÄ» You know them.
×ÖÄ» But these new atrists
×ÖÄ» they've done something very strange
×ÖÄ» to the format of the love song
×ÖÄ» they've changed it a bit.
×ÖÄ» And I try to... capture how they've
×ÖÄ» changed the format of the love song
×ÖÄ» with this love song.
×ÖÄ» I hope you enjoy it
×ÖÄ» and mark the differences.
×ÖÄ» Jason Derulo.
×ÖÄ» I love your hair,
×ÖÄ» I love your name,
×ÖÄ» I love the way you say it.
×ÖÄ» I love your heart
×ÖÄ» and you're so smart
×ÖÄ» cos you gave away it.
×ÖÄ» I love your sis,
×ÖÄ» I love your dad,
×ÖÄ» And I love your mom.
×ÖÄ» But more then all of that
×ÖÄ» I love the fact that you are dumb
×ÖÄ» enough, to not realise
×ÖÄ» everything I've said
×ÖÄ» has been said before
×ÖÄ» in a thousand ways
×ÖÄ» in a thousand songs
×ÖÄ» sung with the same four chords.
×ÖÄ» But you'll still love it
×ÖÄ» and let me finger you.
×ÖÄ» Yeaaa! Finger you!!
×ÖÄ» Finger you!!!
×ÖÄ» Oh girl, I hope you don't think that I'm rude,
×ÖÄ» when I tell you that I love you boo.
×ÖÄ» I also hope that see through
×ÖÄ» this cleverly constructed ruse,
×ÖÄ» designed by a marketing team
×ÖÄ» cashing in on puberty and low self esteem
×ÖÄ» and girls desperate need to feel loved.
×ÖÄ» America says we love a chorus,
×ÖÄ» but don't get complicated and bore us.
×ÖÄ» Though meaning might be missin'
×ÖÄ» We need to know the words after just one listen
×ÖÄ» so repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» ...repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» Yeah. Oh you know it?
×ÖÄ» I love my baby and you know
×ÖÄ» I could not live without her.
×ÖÄ» But now I need to make every girl
×ÖÄ» think this song's about her.
×ÖÄ» Just to make sure that they
×ÖÄ» spread it like the plague.
×ÖÄ» So I describe my dream girl
×ÖÄ» as really really vague, like:
×ÖÄ» I love your hands
×ÖÄ» cos your fingerprints are like no other.
×ÖÄ» I love your eyes
×ÖÄ» and their blueish-brownish-greenish color.
×ÖÄ» I love it when you smile
×ÖÄ» that you smile wide.
×ÖÄ» And I love how your torso
×ÖÄ» has a arm on either side.
×ÖÄ» If you're my agent,
×ÖÄ» you might be thinking:
×ÖÄ» "Oh no!"
×ÖÄ» "Sound the alarm!"
×ÖÄ» "You're not appealing"
×ÖÄ» "To little girls"
×ÖÄ» "Who don't have arms."
×ÖÄ» But they can't use iTunes, so...
×ÖÄ» FUCK them!
×ÖÄ» Who needs them?
×ÖÄ» Oh girl I ho...
×ÖÄ» Oh! Hello Satan!
×ÖÄ» Satan you taste so good!
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» Everybody!
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» C'mon, louder. I can't hear you.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» Young ones, listen up!
×ÖÄ» I'm in magazines,
×ÖÄ» full of model teens
×ÖÄ» so far above you.
×ÖÄ» So read them
×ÖÄ» and hate your self.
×ÖÄ» And pay me to tell you
×ÖÄ» I love you.
×ÖÄ» And your parents will always come along.
×ÖÄ» Because their little girl is in love!
×ÖÄ» And how can love be wrong?
×ÖÄ» How can love be wrong?
×ÖÄ» When you repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Repeat stuff..
×ÖÄ» ..Repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» repeat stuff...
×ÖÄ» .Rep...
×ÖÄ» ...I am a vessel...
×ÖÄ» ....666...
×ÖÄ» ...llluminati...
×ÖÄ» We know it's not right.
×ÖÄ» We know it's not funny.
×ÖÄ» But we'll stop beating this dead horse
×ÖÄ» when it stops spiting out money.
×ÖÄ» But until then...
×ÖÄ» We will repeat stuff.
×ÖÄ» +
×ÖÄ» Thank you so much, you guys have been... Um...
×ÖÄ» you guys have been absolutely amazing.
×ÖÄ» You've been absolutely amazing.
×ÖÄ» That's the end of the show.
×ÖÄ» I probably should have ended it
×ÖÄ» on a sort of higher note there.
×ÖÄ» But yeah, that's the end of "What."
×ÖÄ» I hope you liked it...
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» How are you?
×ÖÄ» I have not seen you
×ÖÄ» since like freshman year.
×ÖÄ» Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» You were so like skinny
×ÖÄ» And weird back then.
×ÖÄ» But now you're... Um...
×ÖÄ» Anyway... Um...
×ÖÄ» You should totally come
×ÖÄ» to this party I'm having tonight
×ÖÄ» with some of my college friends.
×ÖÄ» It's gonna be off the chain hook!
×ÖÄ» It's gonna be so good.
×ÖÄ» You can play some songs for us,
×ÖÄ» or something.
×ÖÄ» I've been telling everybody
×ÖÄ» how good a friends we were
×ÖÄ» Back in the day.
×ÖÄ» I know we never talked
×ÖÄ» or hung out ever, but... Um...
×ÖÄ» I think that's what made
×ÖÄ» our friendship so special, you know.
×ÖÄ» Anyway, text me. OK. Bye.
×ÖÄ» Mr. Burnham?
×ÖÄ» How you doing?
×ÖÄ» Good? Good.
×ÖÄ» I'm a... I'm a agent
×ÖÄ» from out Los Angeles.
×ÖÄ» Really dig your stuff man.
×ÖÄ» It's out there. You know.
×ÖÄ» I totally get it.
×ÖÄ» And the best part about it man,
×ÖÄ» you got all these young fans.
×ÖÄ» And... Which is great
×ÖÄ» Because young people,
×ÖÄ» they're... they're very passionate,
×ÖÄ» they're very... Um... reliable consumers.
×ÖÄ» But what you gotta do
×ÖÄ» in order to take your career
×ÖÄ» to the next level,
×ÖÄ» you gotta cater more heavily to them.
×ÖÄ» Alright, we've done studies,
×ÖÄ» young people do not respond
×ÖÄ» to this, you know, introspective material
×ÖÄ» these challenges to the form, you know.
×ÖÄ» Young people want jokes
×ÖÄ» they can relate to. OK?
×ÖÄ» So... Write a...
×ÖÄ» Write a silly song about Facebook
×ÖÄ» you know, write some jokes
×ÖÄ» about Twitter,
×ÖÄ» or sugary cereal,
×ÖÄ» or razor scooters.
×ÖÄ» Relate to them.
×ÖÄ» You know, also
×ÖÄ» you gotta reestablish your presence
×ÖÄ» on the internet buddy. Alright?
×ÖÄ» It's not important weather
×ÖÄ» the material is good or not.
×ÖÄ» What's important is
×ÖÄ» that you keep the Bo Burnham brand
×ÖÄ» Alive and well.
×ÖÄ» You get it? Cool.
×ÖÄ» We'll discuss more later
×ÖÄ» I know it's a lot.
×ÖÄ» My number is 310... 555...
×ÖÄ» Fag!
×ÖÄ» What up dude!
×ÖÄ» What's up? How are you man?
×ÖÄ» You've changed bro.
×ÖÄ» You've changed.
×ÖÄ» I never knew you.
×ÖÄ» But my friends old room mate's friend
×ÖÄ» said he knew you in highschool
×ÖÄ» and that you became a real asshole
×ÖÄ» once all this comedy stuff started happening.
×ÖÄ» What is it man?
×ÖÄ» You think you are better then us?
×ÖÄ» You think you are better then us
×ÖÄ» just because you are tall?
×ÖÄ» Woah, congtars man, you are tall.
×ÖÄ» Wow! That's incredible.
×ÖÄ» Woah! You want a trophy
×ÖÄ» for being tall?
×ÖÄ» You wonna... We should just give
×ÖÄ» trophies to tall things
×ÖÄ» and every tree, and building
×ÖÄ» will have a trophy.
×ÖÄ» Does that make sense?
×ÖÄ» Yo? Why are you acting
×ÖÄ» all quiet and weird right now?
×ÖÄ» Yo I know why you are.
×ÖÄ» It's cos you are an arrogant prick,
×ÖÄ» that's why. An arrogant fucking prick!
×ÖÄ» I once herd that you
×ÖÄ» actually act quiet because
×ÖÄ» you are shy and introverted in real life,
×ÖÄ» and that people should not expect
×ÖÄ» you to act the same way
×ÖÄ» off stage as you do on stage.
×ÖÄ» Ha ha! Yeah, yeah...
×ÖÄ» That makes no sense.
×ÖÄ» Anyway, you wanna buy some weed?
×ÖÄ» Bo! Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» Mr. Burnham.
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Fag!
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» Mr. Burnham.
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Fag!
×ÖÄ» Bo!
×ÖÄ» Oh my god!
×ÖÄ» Mr. Burnham.
×ÖÄ» I am Satan, lord of darkness!
×ÖÄ» What the hell?
×ÖÄ» You're not gonna hit the girl?
×ÖÄ» That's sexist!
×ÖÄ» We think you've changed, bro.
×ÖÄ» We know best.
×ÖÄ» You suck!
×ÖÄ» We think you've changed, bro.
×ÖÄ» We know best.
×ÖÄ» You suck!
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You
×ÖÄ» We think
×ÖÄ» We know
×ÖÄ» You