The Long Kiss Goodnight
Mrs. Claus is hot!
My name is Samantha Caine.
At least, I think it is.
You might not believe it, but I was born only eight years ago¡­.
on a beach in New Jersey.
I entered the world fully grown, wearing clothes I don't remember buying.
In the back pocket, a single key filed blank and faceless.
Fitting metaphor, but otherwise no help whatsoever.
None.
Sometimes I stand naked in the mirror. Try to guess my age.
Maybe 35?
I have lots of scars.
They call my condition "focal retrograde amnesia."
It's no picnic, but I've learned to live with it.
Got a job I love. Been seeing someone.
Nice guy. Good sense of humor.
-Hound of the Baskervilles -Mad dogs.
-Hal? -Yes, Sam.
Of all the Christmas pageants I've ever seen¡­.
this is by far the most recent.
For God's sake, Sam, I have teenage girls playing the wise men.
-What did you expect? -Teenage boys?
I thought they did fine.
It was the first Nativity where Joseph stares at the wise men's tits.
Her name is Caitlin.
When I woke up on that long-ago day, I was two-months pregnant with her.
I don't know who her father is. I may never. I just know she's mine.
His name is Mr. Perkins. My mom named him for me.
Caitlin, come help in the kitchen!
That's her.
-That's who? -Her mom.
She's got amnesia.
Swear?
Swear.
Too weird.
Hello, girls.
Caitlin, come help me in the kitchen.
Hurry up, I forget where it is.
Raymond!
Catch you smoking, they'll never find the body. Understand?
Yes, Ms. Caine.
Have a cookie.
As the year draws to a close¡­.
I would like to share with you just a few things about myself.
Things of which I am especially proud.
First, I'm proud to say that¡­.
I don't smoke¡­.
I don't drink¡­.
and I don't swear.
Oh, shit, I do smoke and drink.
To our dear friends.
May the best of your past be the worst of your future.
I'll drink to that.
Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow. We got the mistletoe.
Eight years.
Except for my name, all traces are lost.
I used to hire expensive detectives. Now I use the cheap ones.
Doesn't seem to matter. The woman I was¡­.
the one I used to be, she's gone.
I've kissed her goodnight.
Police! Don't move!
What the hell is this?
Don't give me attitude, sir.
You're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass.
When you make an assumption, you make an "ass" of you and "umption."
I'm Sgt. Madigan, Vice, and if you do cop a 'tude¡­.
I will see to it you spend the next 10 years in prison getting ass-fucked.
If the case is thrown out because my arrest was violent¡­.
I will hire men to ass-fuck you for the next ten years.
So if you're an ass-fucking fan¡­.
go ahead and mouth off.
Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.
Officer Dunleavy¡­.
read him his rights.
-What? -His rights.
You have the "remight"¡­.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say and do¡­.
will be held against you¡­.
Please, listen, I got a wife.
I never. This is the first time¡­.
I've ever done this. I swear!
Sir! Listen to me.
I can see from your choice here, you're not a wealthy man.
Because of the damage this arrest could do to you¡­.
I think we might be able to make an arrangement.
Oh, God!
Gotta stop using bums.
Forget that.
They looked like cops. We pulled it off, didn't we?
It was embarrassing.
You want me to hire actors?
These guys are cheap. They work for food.
When they puke, is that a like a refund?
I'm pissing myself you're so funny.
-What's this? -I got movement on Samantha Caine.
Really?
No, I may have a lead on someone¡­.
who rented Amnesia Chick an apartment back in 1987.
They may still have some of her stuff.
Get outta here.
Where'd that come from?
Lucky break.
Old lady died, and one of her asshole grandkids found a credit card¡­.
with the name Samantha Caine on it.
Tried to use it at Nordstroms.
Okay, here's what we do.
Get on the phone to Amnesia Chick. Tell her we need more cash.
That was a really swell party.
Thanks again for the ride.
You and Hal have been together, what, a couple of years?
How often do you two¡­.
Stick our fingers in our hands and pull them out? Every chance we get.
Earl, do me a favor? Every few words blow bubbles and say "hic."
Goddamn it, I'm not drunk!
I'll prove it to you.
Come on.
Stop that!
I'm sorry.
And so much for the skydiving Santa of Hutchinson County.
Meanwhile, WICC news¡­.
journeyed to Honesdale, where Santa's own Mrs. Kringle turned out¡­.
to celebrate her hubby's worldwide tour.
And after one look at her, I'm thinking¡­.
Santa got what he really wanted this Christmas.
The parade included floats and participants from four counties.
Everyone enjoyed themselves, especially the young¡­.
and the young at heart.
Gotta be fucking kidding!
No!
No fucking way!
It's impossible!
You rest up¡­.
and I'll see you in the morning.
Sweet dreams.
I want a cigarette.
I don't smoke.
You used to.
See how easy it comes back?
I'm coming back.
You know that, don't you?
Name's Charly by the way.
You're going to love me.
This is the intergalactic slammer. It's a jail.
This is the Borian dude. Kind of like a dinosaur.
This is his escape chute. He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit.
He can shoot at the guards with his arrow.
-Cool, huh? -Todd.
Time for dinner.
Now.
Guess you better go in.
Hope you like the toy.
It's awesome.
Dad, Mom¡­. she gets weird.
Like on my birthday when you gave me that Schwinn.
She called the bicycle store to see if there'd been any robberies.
Tell her I don't steal them locally, all right?
Sorry, but, I can't take this.
You know how Mom will get.
Guess I'll see ya.
All right.
How do you like that?
-Yo, Trin, me. What's up? -Ready to be happy?
Remember the landlady I told you about?
The Caine woman was her favorite tenant.
Then one day, the tenant never comes home.
Old lady very sad. So sad she can't throw away Amnesia Chick's shit.
It's pay dirt, Mitch. Got an old postcard never mailed.
Woman telling everyone she just got engaged.
Samantha's handwriting. Perfect match.
She was engaged to some guy in Jersey. No phone number, just an address.
Holy shit! Score!
That's worth time and a half.
Double. I made us look good. Her other P.I. S couldn't find dick.
Course not. Took a true dickhound like yourself.
Tell Ms. Caine I'm coming to see her tonight.
Honey, you have an ETA on that carrot?
Stow it.
Maybe you should just take it with you to school.
You're killing me. You're so funny.
Here. Give me the knife.
No!
I'm going to cut this carrot, and you're going to eat it and like it.
Piss off.
Hon?
Look, will you?
How the hell?
I used to do this.
I'm a chef.
Look what she's doing.
Give me something else.
Quick, anything!
-Tomato -Tomato.
Look.
-Look at this woman go. All right -More!
Pepper. Pepper!
Celery!
Look at this!
More!
Scallions!
One more tomato.
Look at this woman. She's amazing!
Chefs do that.
Timothy, I know you're gonna kill me.
Please use the gun, not the knife
As a favor to me I'm begging you.
Goddamn it, how can I tell the Feds about the fucking "Honeymoon" thing?
I don't know a fucking thing about it.
No, you don't.
I don't know a fucking thing.
You know, I can tell when someone's lying to me.
What's so fucking important?
Remember your old colleague¡­.
One-Eyed Jack?
He's doing 7-10 upstate.
Not anymore. He broke out. Two days after seeing¡­.
something on TV that "disturbed" him.
Yeah, "Baywatch Nights." You want to get to the fucking point?
Under sedation, he said Charly Baltimore's alive, sir.
Daedalus is concerned. He thought you disposed of her eight years ago.
I know it's highly unlikely, but if she were alive, she might be in contact¡­.
with the old man in Massachusetts.
Tap his phone.
Tell Daedalus I'm on my way. Timothy, out.
I can't see Mr. Perkins.
He's there. He's on the sled, see him?
He's watching you.
He's very excited.
That's better.
Ready to try it alone?
I want you to hold my hand.
Just pretend I am.
You can do it. Piece of cake.
Here we go.
Ready?
-Mom, it won't work. Swear -Sure it will.
You're one of the X-men. You're tough. Ready? Let go.
-3, 2, 1, go! -Wait! I'm not ready!
Go!
Keep going!
I can't do it.
I want to go home.
I know you're afraid. That's the whole point.
Can't you see that?
Stop being a little baby and get up.
I can't skate anymore. My wrist hurts.
Life is pain.
Get used to it.
You will skate all the way to the shore, princess.
And you will not fall again.
Am I understood?
I'm just guessing, but¡­.
this is a tree house. I think you wanted a doghouse.
Little joke.
She said that her wrist hurt.
I didn't know it was fractured.
I don't remember¡­.
what I said to her.
I can't remember.
No!
I'm not going to hurt you.
It's not me I'm worried about.
Evening, Charly.
Long time.
Get out!
I want my eye back, bitch!
Chefs do that.
Caitlin! Oh, my God! We have to find Caitlin.
Slow down! Your kid's okay.
She's in my car.
Jesus! What the hell's going on here?
Freeze!
Don't hurt him!
Don't shoot!
Yeah, don't shoot! Like she said!
Call an ambulance!
This man?He's gonna¡­.
help me find out some things.
So we'll be safe.
You understand?
When will you be back home?
Before you know it. I swear.
Here.
I want you to keep a candle burning in the window¡­.
for me.
That's called "keeping a vigil."
That's to light my way home.
Here.
This is to my portable phone.
I keep it with me.
You call me anytime.
Why don't you keep this?
For luck.
Let's have Mr. Perkins wear it.
There.
See?
You do what you have to.
But, Sam¡­.
the person you used to be¡­.
whatever you find¡­.
I'm not scared.
I never will be. Not ever.
Thank you.
Mr. Perkins¡­.
you lost one of your agents¡­.
whose training included, among other things¡­.
counterassassination.
Now she turns up as belle of the Christmas parade.
That information is two weeks old, Mr. President.
To my knowledge¡­.
Charlene Baltimore died¡­.
in my employ. Relic of the Cold War.
The kind of violent operative that has since been eliminated from our ranks.
You recruited this woman?
For Chapter, sir.
Her father was¡­.
a friend of mine.
Stop, I don't want to hear that stuff.
The "intelligence" community.
You people are unbelievable.
You dump a mess like this in my lap¡­.
and then you come whining to me, "Where's our funding?"
I'll tell you where it is.
Can you say, "health care"?
I'm not talking 'bout moving in
And I don't want
To change your life
But there's a warm wind
Blowing the stars around
And I'd really love to see you tonight
I'm not talking 'bout the linen
-And I don't want to change your life -"Moving in."
What?
It's, uh¡­.
The song's not about linen.
Yeah, whatever.
So, you cold?
-Yeah, freezing -Turn on the heat.
It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise.
-Distracts from the cold -I'll pass, thanks.
Who knew I had an old fiance?
And now we're just going to pay a surprise visit?
There are no bells or whistles because I don't remember any of this.
That's too bad. That's the cream of the crop, believe me.
I forgot to ask.
Why is it that you got so far?
Say what?
Well, I mean¡­.
you seem kind of low-rent.
No offense.
None taken. Really, I was about to¡­.
Shit!
Are you okay?
Is your neck all right?You don't have whiplash?
What?
I'm just¡­.
Since you almost ran us off the road, I'm wondering what it is¡­.
that you get from an experience like that?
Don't get me wrong. I'm sure it's enriching in some way¡­.
and I know she was probably moved by some asshole screaming out the window.
I didn't hang out the window and yell. I checked out her form, okay?
If it's any consolation, you got her beat hands down.
Really?
Yeah, from the neck up.
This is exciting.
You saw her tits. It's so neat.
Look, it's a guy thing, all right?
Now you got a nice body and all¡­.
but those, you could see them coming around the corner.
You got time to comb your hair. Shit.
What's that?
Charly was my name in the dream.
"To Charly. Love, Nathan"
"Nathan J. Waldman, Ph.D."
All right, let's find a phone.
Found one.
Find his number.
-Take the stand -I got it. Now what'll I do with it?
Sit down!
Alice, please.
Your dog, Alice.
It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
-What's wrong with the dog? -It's simple.
He's been licking his asshole for the last three hours.
I submit that there's nothing there worth more than an hour's attention.
And I think that whatever he's attempting to dislodge¡­.
is either gone for good¡­.
or there to stay.
Wouldn't you agree?
Mr. Waldman¡­.
I got your number from a realtor¡­.
in Massachusetts, and I'd just like to speak to you.
Who is this?
You tell me, Mr. Waldman.
My full name, please?
God!
It's really you.
"Chapter"¡­.
they think you're dead.
-My full name, please! -You don't know your name?
Your full name¡­.
is Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore.
Don't talk, just listen. You could be in danger, understand?
We must meet.
We must meet straightaway. Where are you now?
In Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.
We'll meet halfway.
There's a town in New Jersey, Chesterman.
Tomorrow.
Central train station¡­.
at 11 a.m.
Meet me.
I'll tell you everything.
Signal Daedalus.
We got her.
-Curry Brand cat food -Could you spell that, please?
Curry Brand.
All this shit is the same anyway.
Yeah? You don't happen to have a cat?
What do I need a cat for?I got a girl.
Yeah, pussy's pussy.
-Mom, can I stay up for "Rugrats"? -What, sweetie?
"Rugrats." I want to stay up.
Yes, you can stay up for "Rugrats."
I'm gonna go now.
All right.
-Mommy loves you -I love you too.
Big kiss.
-Bye, Mommy -Good night.
Put my glasses in my pocket
Put the jacket on the chair
I sing the things I do, so I won't forget.
Like¡­.
Turning off the downstairs' light
Before I go to bed at night
Shit.
I can't take this¡­.
fucking waiting.
Excuse me.
Do you normally curse this much?
What are you, a Mormon?
Yes, that's why I just smoked a pack of Newports¡­.
and drank three vodka tonics. What I'm saying is¡­.
back when we first met you were all like¡­.
"Oh, phooey! I burned the darn muffins."
Now, you go into a bar¡­.
ten minutes later sailors come running out. What up with that?
Thanks for sharing.
Mind your own damn business.
While you're at it, if you're going to smoke inside¡­.
close the damn door.
I heard you scream¡­.
Shit!
Henessey¡­.
I didn't know about the gun. I wasn't hiding things. I swear.
-Goddamn it, stop walking! -I'm going home!
And so are you!
I paid you!
Well, here! Take your money!
Take it!
I can't go home.
Until I know why that man tried to kill me, I'm trapped.
It's like I'm in a goddamn prison! Do you know how that feels?
Yeah, I know exactly what that's like!
Four years inside. Marion, Illinois.
A real shithole!
And I'm not going back!
Seven years ago I was an Atlanta cop.
Me and my partner handled a lot of impounded shit.
That motherfucker hated me.
I forget why, but he did.
On one weekend¡­.
when he was conveniently away¡­.
some bonds disappeared from his office.
Lo and behold, when my brothers in blue responded to an anonymous tip¡­.
you'll never guess what they found sitting in my closet.
The bonds.
Your partner put them there.
No, I did.
I stole the damn things.
I never did one thing right in my life. You know that?
Not one.
That takes skill.
You just missed our exit.
Give me back my money.
Oh, so you're¡­.
I'm taking you to the train station, yes.
To meet Mr. Waldman.
Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.
Look out the window. Shut up.
You know we're about ten minutes early.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Put my keys in my left pocket
-Gun in the right-hand side -It makes a bulge you can see.
I should stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Now you're a sharpshooter?