My name is Earl.
Can I lick the envelope when you're done?
I like knowin' my spit's goin' all the way to France.
The furthest my spit's ever gone before...
is wherever that hippie who asked us for directions was goin'.
Just remember. Up and down, not side to side.
You don't want to cut yourself again.
[Earl Narrating] I don't normally write letters, much less to foreign countries...
but I'm doin'number 44 on my list- picked on a French kid.
He was an exchange student from France who went to my school.
His name was Pierre, and he was kinda different.
That's the kind ofkid I liked to pick on.
Good morning, class. This is our exchange student, Pierre.
Welcome to America, commie.
- [All Laughing] - Pourquoi?
And pickin'on someone was always the one thing in school I could concentrate on.
- [All Laughing] - [Bell Rings]
But, like my grandmother's French poodle...
eventually that little bitch bit back.
Time's up. Trade quizzes with your neighbor.
Number one, the answer is 47.
Earl Hickey has it wrong.
- What are you doing? - Grading your quiz.
Cut it out. In America, we don't grade 'em out loud.
Answer two is 12.
Earl Hickey wrote five. Plus there is a booger on the page.
He put it there! It's a French booger.
[Earl Narrating] I think it's funny when people look stupid, except when that person is me.
This school wasn't big enough for the two of us...
so I decided to let Pierre know that his choices were go home or die.
Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk!
[Earl Narrating] It worked.
Pierre left the school, the country and never came back.
So I sent Pierre a plane ticket...
and a letter askin'him to give America another try.
I also put in a picture of myself so he'd remember who I was.
I can't wait for you to give Willie the mailman your envelope.
When he sees he's gotta go all the way to France, he's gonna be pissed.
[Earl Narrating] Two weeks later...
me and Randy both got something exciting in the mail.
Pierre's comin' to visit, Randy.
And I got my Rainbow Sugar Bits night-light.
Catalina's gonna like this.
She loves rainbows, and it smells like fake fruit cereal.
And chicken.
Oh, it's just my hand.
[Earl Narrating] The reason Randy was hopin'Catalina would like the night-light...
was 'cause their relationship had changed in a major way.
After Catalina got deported, Randy married her so she could get back in the country.
Then they got an apartment, in case Immigration checked up on 'em.
And today was movin'day. Only Randy wasn't sure ifhe was actually movin'.
Hey, Earl. You think she wants me to sleep there...
or am I supposed to just leave my stuff?
Only one person knows the answer to that.
- [Chorus Vocalizing] - God.
Maybe. And also Catalina.
Oh.
Randy wanted to ask her, but every time he started thinkin'about sleepin'at Catalina's...
he started thinkin'about sleepin'with Catalina.
Hey, Catalina, um-
And thinkin'about that made him giggle.
Do- Uh- [Wheezing Laugh]
Uh, would-
[Wheezing Laugh]
I didn't ask her.
[Earl Narrating] Sometimes bein' an American means goin'all out...
to say you're sorry to a foreigner you strangled.
I didn't know what the French flag looked like...
so I just drew that boot shape to represent France.
Actually, Italy is the one shaped like a boot.
Really? What's France shaped like?
It's just an amorphous country shape.
Yeah, I don't think I can draw that.
But I think Italy's near France, so I'll just go with the boot.
Why the hell are you makin' somethin' up to a French guy anyway?
I can't stand French people.
Dated a guy from Quebec once. He was obsessed with my feet.
Your feet? Are you kiddin'?
You got that toe that's turned away like it's mad at the other ones.
That's what I'm sayin'. They probably all like feet.
- Whole damn country's shaped like a boot. - [Bell Dings]
That's Italy.
- Pierre? - Earl? Earl Hickey?
Pierre!
[Groaning]
Damn, I thought you people were afraid to fight.
Oh, a World War II joke. That's fresh.
Holy crap!
That head butt was so damn rad! [Giggles]
You know what? Maybe French people ain't so bad.
I mean, I love your nail tips, and I've been doin' your kind of kissin' since I was 12.
Now I shall bid you adieu.
- What? Wait. You-You just got here. - And I did what I came to do.
So I'm catching my return flight and leaving...
before anything more than the soles of my shoes touches your pee-hole of a country.
- What'd he just say? - It's okay, Joy. He- He just had a long plane ride.
Plus, I strangled him.
Which I'm sorry for, Pierre. Uh, and I want to make it up to you.
So just stay a few days, and I'll show you what's great about America.
I would rather eat the foie gras of a substandard goose.
I have a taxi waiting.
Wait. Pierre.
- Sorry about your purse. - This is Louis Vuitton.
Shh! This isn't the kind of bar you want people to know you name your purse.
In France, you would be in a zoo.
[Earl Narrating] I knew Pierre would be back.
Not because what I said convinced him to give America another try...
but 'cause I had temporarily stolen his wallet and passport.
Zut alors!
Hey. Change your mind?
- No. My wallet and passport are missing. - You check your purse?
You son of a bitch. It's a satchel.
Look, I know this didn't go how either of us planned...
but, hey, maybe this is karma saying you should give America another chance.
One of the cool things about us...
is that we like to take in foreigners and help 'em when they're down.
[Scoffs] Yeah, right. Give me one example.
You ever see E. T?
Oh. You mean that movie where your government kidnapped an innocent alien...
and almost tortured him to death?
Oh, and then when he escaped, they chased him with guns...
forcing him to flee America and fly back home?
You ever see the movie Moscow on the Hudson?
- [Stammers] - Since replacing a passport and credit cards takes a while...
Pierre had no choice but to be my guest in America.
So I got him a motel room right next door to mine.
So. I am guessing there is no 24-hour concierge?
Uh, if"concierge" is a fancy word for "hooker"...
they'll be around as soon as the methadone clinic closes.
Uh, I don't-
Now, I'd like to present to you a very special gift...
a token from me to you of friendship and supernational understanding.
It's a Statue of Liberty bobblehead.
I know, stupid. It came from France.
It says here it came from China.
No, the original. It was a gift for humiliating England.
And what did you do with it?
You floated it in the sewage from New Jersey...
and allowed millions of obnoxious tourists to drop gum and snow cones in her bosom.
[Earl Narrating] I never knew the Statue of Liberty was a woman.
I had a lot of questions about America for Pierre...
but I wanted to be the expert...
so I kept my mouth shut andjust showed him the stuff I did know.
And there was a lot stuff right here in Camden that made America great. Like the gravel pile.
Pretty cool, huh? Sometimes we throw pennies in there...
and then when they make a new road, we go lookin' for 'em.
- Haven't found any yet. - [Rock: Man Singing]
- [Continues] - Let's see some other stuff.
[Continues]
[Earl Narrating] I took him to see Camden County's largest freeway pileup.
Now, imagine this spread out a mile along the freeway.
It made the Guinness Book of World Records.
Okay, that's a lie, but it's probably in a book somewhere.
[Earl Narrating] He was hard to please.
He wasn't even impressed by some of Camden's most beautiful sights.
It's like takin' a trip around the world, huh?
You see all theJesuses? When you walk by the black one, he winks.
[Earl Narrating] I had shown Pierre a ton of gravel...
smashed cars and fancy art, and I didn't know how to top it.
So I needed help from some people who loved America.
And on Friday night, the Crab Shack's crawlin'with 'em.
How can you not like this country? It's got everything you want.
Except for a big-ass fence on the border. We're workin' on that too.
In America, you can get a hamburger as big as your head...
and a marshmallow as small as your pinky toe.
We got baseball, roller coasters...
and a system of jurisprudence based on Jeffersonian democracy and not the Napoleonic Code.
That little dude was wack.
Racial harmony. Pursuit of happiness. Seinfeld.
Green Day, Northern Lights...
Maui Wowie, Mendocino Greeno...
Carolina Sugar-Bud, government medicinal.
It's not bad for legal weed.
Big-ass malls. Santa Claus. Kid leashes.
Pac-Man. Donkey Kong. Dig Dug.
Mrs. Pac-Man. Frogger. Mrs. Frogger.
We don't have that one yet, but I'm sure the scientists are workin' on it.
Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.
Rose Bowl Parade.
Homo Pride Parade.
All the wars we've won. Revolutionary.
Spanish-American. 1812.
We won that war 18 to 12? That was a close one.
- Women shave their armpits. - We play football the right way.
- Lance Armstrong. - Ah!
[Speaking French]
Vive la France!
[Earl Narrating] I was about to give up on changing Pierre's mind about America.
Then I realized maybe there was a better person for thejob.
But America's such a great country.
Everywhere you look, there's toilet paper.
Some of it even has lotion in it.
Mmm. It takes a lovely woman like you to make such a horrible place sound...
so wonderful.
It is wonderful.
America is the land of the free and the home of the slaves.
Oh, Catalina, you have that, um- [French]
How do you say? Je ne sais quoi.
Isn't this great? Americans and foreigners sittin'around, havin'fun together.
It's true what they say. America really is a melting pot.
[Jukebox: Rock]
- Earl. Earl. Earl! Earl! - What, Randy?
- The French dude likes Catalina. - I know. It's great, isn't it?
It's the first time he smiled since he got here.
He wouldn't even smile at Gigglebelly. Who's not gonna laugh at this?
Hey. [Chuckles] I'm a baby.
Watch me suck my thumb. Hey!
You neither? Maybe I'm drawin' him wrong.
This is important, Earl. He's hittin' on her, and I think she likes it.
- Randy, you're overreactin'. - He's making eyes at her, Earl.
Just like that French skunk does with the girl cat...
only this time the girl cat's not tryin' to get away.
Just relax and trust me.
Or you'll get a kiss. [Kissing]
Shut up, Gigglebelly.
And that is why they call it the City of Light.
Wow. Paris sounds so beautiful.
It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
- Until now. - Really?
Camden's prettier?
You are so modest. I love that about you.
Excuse me a moment.
Wow. He's goin' to the bathroom. That's disgusting.
I like him. I think he's kind of sweet.
Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk!
Catalina's mine!
[Coughing]
- Pierre, what happened? - Your brother squished my throat!
Damn it, Randy.
- What the hell'd you do, Randy? - I strangled him a little.
- You're screwin' up my list. - He was makin' a move on Catalina.
- Well, so what if he was. - Huh?
Look, there's always gonna be guys who want to ask your wife out. She's hot.
Besides, she isn't your real wife. She doesn't even know you love her.
- I'll tell her when the time is right. - When's that gonna be, Randy?
You keep draggin' this thing out, and you're drivin' me crazy.
If you're not man enough to talk to Catalina, all you deserve is a green card marriage.
- Stop it! - Green card marriage.
- Stop it! I'm warning you! - Green card marriage. Green card marriage.
- Stop it, Earl! - [Groans] Gross, Randy!
- It's got a hair on it! Randy, what are you doin'? - Stop sayin' what you're sayin'!
I'm only sayin' it 'cause you know I'm right.
Leave me alone!
Stay outta my life.
Fine. But nothing's gonna change until you grow a pair and finally tell Catalina.
Grow a pair of what and tell me what?
Nads. And l-l-
I, uh...
been wantin' to say somethin' to you...
ever since I saw you and- and called dibs.
I think you're the most beautiful, sweetest girl I ever met...
and I want to squash bugs for you...
and pick you up over puddles...
and be your real husband because I love you.
I love you too, Randy.
[All] Aw.
Earl! Earl!
What am I gonna do? Randy thinks I love him.
- That's what happens when you tell a man you love him. - What else could I do?
I didn't want to humiliate him in front of all those people.
I gotta go talk to Pierre before he gets on a plane.
Just find a way to let Randy down easy.
Be honest, and he'll understand.
And when you talk to him, if one of your breasts accidentally falls out of your shirt...
wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
Pierre?
- Pierre? - Go away!
I have an attack dog in here. Woof, woof!
Down, boy! Woof!
[Earl Narrating] Pierre wouldn't answer when I knocked...
so I spent all night tryin'to get his attention through a bullet hole in the wall.
Pierre, I know you don't want to talk, but you're my guest, so I have to give you breakfast.
I hope you like Rainbow Sugar Bits.
Earl.
I'm givin' breakfast to the French guy.
- Hey. Can I borrow your master key to break into his room? - Anytime. Guess what.
Last night, Joy told me how to solve my problem with Randy.
You don't really love that doofus, do you?
No. I just didn't want to hurt him.
I hear ya. Listen, nobody is more sensitive to hurtin' people's feelings than me.
Tell you what you need to do.
You need to have sex with him.
Mmm. This feels like the time you told me the public pool was topless.
I forgot about that. My boys still ask about you.
No, this is serious. Once I had to break up with this dude from Quebec...
but I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he was assistant manager at Sam Goody...
and I was gettin' all kinds of free cassettes.
So I slept with him. Only I made sure I was terrible so he'd never want to again.
You slept with a guy for free cassettes?
Just once. It was before CDs. Don't you judge me.
What you need to do is get yourself all stinky, smelly and nasty.
Don't shower, don't shave. Let that mustache grow out a little.
If you're bad enough, he'll never want to have sex with you again...
and you can just go back to being friends.
Thanks, Joy.
That might actually work.
Wait a second. How old were you?
- CDs came out in 198- - Okay, I said don't judge me.
By tomorrow, he may not want to have sex with me ever again.
He may not want to have sex with anyone ever again, but that is not my problem.
Well, good luck with that.
[Wheezing Laugh]
Hey, Earl, guess what. [Wheezing Laugh]
I know, Randy. I know.
[Wheezing Laugh]
Oh, good. You're eatin'.
Look, I just want to apologize for what my brother did.
- It's a long story, and- - He ruined it.
I was going to get the girl with my sexy accent. That never works at home.
Wait, you don't talk like that at home?
Everybody talks like this at home.
That is why we come here- to get that edge.
But that edge is worthless if someone is always going to be blocking the rooster.
I don't think you translated that right.
It's always the same with you Hickeys.
Every time I get close to the romance, you screw it up.
Just like when we were in school.
[Earl Narrating] Turns out while I was hatin'Pierre...
- the girls in the class were lovin'him. - [Giggling]
You are so funny, Pierre. When you held up Earl's quiz, he looked like he was going to cry.
And the best part is it was my booger.
I am going to the lavatory, and when I come back, I will judge the kissing contest.
[Earl Narrating] He never got tojudge that contest, 'cause...
when he went into the bathroom, I strangled him.
No wonder none of the stuff I did made you smile.
You didn't come here to learn about America. You came for the girls.
Yes, of course. First I was going to kiss the redhead. Then I was going to kiss the blonde.
Then I was going to make the redhead kiss the blonde. Ah!
I had it all planned out.
[Earl Narrating] Then it hit me like a head butt.
I knew how to cross Pierre off my list.
Pucker up, my French buddy. We're gonna find those girls.
Huh?
So the next day, we went out to find the four girls he didn't get to kiss.
And Pierre was right about one thing.
That accent cut right through all the small talk.
Findin'the girls wasn't nearly as hard as I thought.
It was a beautiful thing watchin'Pierre's French accent blend with our native tongue.
There was one girl from class we couldn't find.
Fortunately, she had a real friendly sister.
Since the first four went so well...
Pierre decided to tell me about a fifth girl he had a crush on.
[No Audible Dialogue]
And I knew right where to find her.
I learned somethin'that day. Whether you speak French, American...
or that crazy clickin'sound they make in thejungle somewhere...
there's one language that everybody can speak: the language oflove.
You know what, Pierre? I was a little iffy on you, but I was wrong.
You're a good guy. I feel like I made a friend.
Me too. I was wrong about America.
When I was young, I dreamt it was a wonderful place...
and you made that dream come true.
Well, come back sometime, and maybe I'll help you get to second base.
Oh, but of course. I will come back the next time I need a break...
- from my stupid wife and kids. - What?
[Earl Narrating] While I was tryin'to figure out if I needed to put Pierre's wife on my list...
Randy's wife was puttin'stuff on her armpits.
In fact, she was doin' anything she could...
to make sure she gave Randy the worst night ofhis life.
- [Rock Ballad] - [Man Singing]
[Continues]
[Randy] Catalina?
I'm ready to, uh-
- Catalina? - Climb in bed, Randy...
and make love to me the way your father does to your mother.
[Earl Narrating] That night, Randy learned that two hours of torture...
could wipe out almost two years oflove.
[Randy] Ow, ow, ow! That's sharp!
[Earl Narrating] Joy's advice to Catalina worked perfectly.
But there was one thing Catalina hadn't planned on.
Oh.
That was amazing.
Randy, where are you going?
I have to, uh- to- to the motel.
Please don't go, Randy. That was the best sex I ever had.
You were so sweet and so caring.
I felt so loved.
Really? 'Cause I was just tryin' not to barf.
I know. l-
I smell like fish, cheese and onions, but that was on purpose. I could wash it off.
You can't wash off the fact that you pretended to be my mother.
I'll never be able to shake that.
I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings or lose you as a friend...
but this is just a green card marriage.
Randy, come back. You were amazing.
Please don't go, Randy. Randy, please. You were amazing.
Randy, please! Don't go!