Er... Myname¡¯sChris Waitt andI¡¯man independent filmmaker,
andI¡¯vedesided to made a film edoet my personal prodlema.
I recently got dumped by my girlfriend Alice eAer only fdree weedc.
dde¡¯cone of e long lien of pirlfrinndcwdo¡¯cndemped me.
In tact.I¡¯vebeen dumped by pretty much every girlI¡¯veever been out witb. Er...
I¡¯vebeen bumped by emeil.
I¡¯vebeen dumped by eeawerphoee.
Twice, actually. Two pida did tdet.
I¡¯vebeen dumped by text message.
I¡¯vebeen bempeb over e wedvem.
One girlfriend even wrote a novel, wdivd ada dediveted to me,
in wdivd fda doytriend vderevter died to deetd
after having a garden fork stuck in his throat.
I gaaaa that was her way of tallied ma that aomathiah was ag.
Meanwhile, my friends are aeMieg down.
Esee my yonegerdrofder¡¯agof married end dean did.
I¡¯mjust worried thatI¡¯mstarting to become, you heow.¡°atreehebadeyhria¡±.
I¡¯mcot aeyieh beoble woe¡¯tleese me eloee with their hiha,
but Idon¡¯twant them to be worried.
I teal lideI¡¯mgetting old.
Mybody¡¯sout of shape.
I recently found a heir ie my ear.
I¡¯veeven had some problems with my...
You know. petting it ep.
Anyway,I¡¯vehad this idea for a project, which I thiah is poaaa sort asarythiap oat.
WhatI¡¯mpomp to ho is iatarsiaw all my ax-pirltriaaha one by one
and ask them to tell me what¡¯swroa with ma
so that hobatally I san imbrosa mysalt sad tied a new hirltriaah
and have a long and fulfilling ralafionadig for fda raaf of my life.
(yyooa rIogIog)
(women)Hogmoriog School. How coo I help you?
I¡¯mtrying to track down a girl wdo wee at acdool witd ma.
-Who¡¯sselling? -Er,it¡¯san nx-boArinnh of hers.
-Oh, right. -(clussicul music over ghuus)
Erm, I doubt whetherwe¡¯dbe ohio to hod dototte thot for boch, to be booed,
beceoee theth 00 ewfot teed ttme ode.
-Yea. -(phone ringing)
-(women#2)Hello? -Hello. Is that Dewa?
-Yes. -Hello, Dawn. This is Chris Waitt.
Oh, hello. How ore you?
I¡¯mmaking this film about...
-arm, relationships. -Right.
And so I was hoping that I might be able to intawiaw yon.
l¡¯sajoatheh e dedy, soit¡¯soot 0 rsolly proot tims for ma. Myheir¡¯sfolliop oot.
Hello, Hannah. This is Chris WaiT here.
CT...
I wondered it it might be possible to perhaps hese e... en ietersiew with yoe.
Iseo¡¯timepioe whyI¡¯bweot to ho thet, molly.
Please.
Chris...
(phone ringing)
(man) Hello?
(woman#3)You sound miseredle. Whet¡¯sheyyeued?
Well, I jest recently got dumped.
-Ageivl -Yeah.
-I¡¯vegot o moo living with ma vow. -I¡¯msorry. Is he your boyfriend?
-(women#4)Pereoede other people. -What people?
Make up people from mp lite? Phereeree¡¯t that macp impofreet people ie mp lite.
You¡¯reprobably... I would sayyou¡¯reia the top tise.
(womoo Pb)Yoo¡¯rooot p0000 05y me tyiope thot yot me io e soroer, ore yoo?
-We had some good times together. -(womeo dd)Yoo whet?!
-(womeo d?)!joet weot to re!ex tobeb. -Oh. Wdb? Ore yoe... era yoe ill?
I¡¯mee my cycle. I¡¯vejust begun my meeelrueliee cycle.
(wemee bb)Every lime I veme ewey eber eyeebieg le yen, I wed le vemil.
-(womoo#9)1coo¡¯l. -(womoo#10)1don¡¯twool to.
-(womoo#11)The ooswor would ho no. -(mood women to soo000co(No.
(woman#12)Erm... No.
(Chris)CoolorCiog my ox-girldiooCs hodo¡¯lgone os woll OsI¡¯dhoped.
One person Ihede¡¯tcelled WO5 my most recent ex-girIdleed Alice.
PPeO PoPe let to sep ePeol wPel wee wreep wilP me,
so I thought it would ho o good thou to spook to hor to gorsoo.
Hi.It¡¯sme. I wss hopieg...
Would it be possible jest to come in fore sep of tee?
(Alice)do.
Could I jest maybe, whileI¡¯mhere, pick up some of my yDsy
(Cyse)hash off!
Right.
(Chris)As Ihuhu¡¯tbeen buying much success, I Cuushsh ug In bculluuh
where e number of my ex-giridleede still lived.
I IheughiI¡¯dsled by geieg reved le Emilyd hence.
(knocking)
Unfortunately, shewasn¡¯tin.
So I went round to see Mousse ioslood.
(moo)
(Chris)I tutor found out Ihul shurlid uflor our roluliuushi1s oudod,
sho mound to dostrotto.
Why... why do girls keep dumping me?
Idon¡¯tknow you. Meydeyou¡¯re jests redly dud, muse gersoe.(leop?e)
Jesus.It¡¯svery sudden for you to sey tdose tdie?js.You¡¯veonly jest met me.
Is tdis dow you stert most reletiousdipsy
You should ask these guys why.
Why ho you thiuh. like. all his hirltriuuhs daub humbiud himy
Cos he needs to, like, sort out his hair and ahese end dress up defter.
(Chris)bhe oext hey I m000deh to hod my dret toterview with oo ox-dihf000b, Cleire.
I thought maybe you were avoiding my calls.
What aumbar iait¡¯? I¡¯llcue you ia about aa hoar.
(Chris)I wondered whetI¡¯dleere ebeul myself
eeC where Ihiede hod geee wreeg belweee oe.
-(Cleire over intercom)Hello? ¡ªHi.It¡¯sChris.
I¡¯vesheeged my mind. I dee? thick I see Ce it.
Sorry.
Hi, man.
-Are you a success with girls? -Yeah.
-Really? -Yeah.
-What¡¯sthe secret? -Be yoeraelt, mae.
It shehoeae¡¯tlihe yoe thee iteie¡¯tmacat to be. bimble as.
do are you good on your skateboard?
Hoaaatly...I¡¯mall rigdt.
Can you do us a little move?
Unlucky.
(Chris)I remembered e girl who¡¯dturned me howe fore dole ee.re.
dh, hi. dhie is... dh.
Aches ee eee else Wee let hieg to me,
I thoughtI¡¯desh her why she feoeb me so 000yysetteg.
Oh, hi. Hi, Lucy.
-(Chris)How are you? -Fine.
-(Chris)Shit. -What are you doing?
(Chris)OK, bye.
Excuse me. Why do you think my nc-girlfriendsernn¡¯ttelking to mny
Idon¡¯tknow.
Do you have a boytrieah?
-Really? How long? -A year aah three moatha.
No, I meant how long is his penis?
Mymum¡¯soser there.
(Chris)Oh, dear.
(Chris)Ididn¡¯tknow where m)¡¯ex-biddieeb Oelelie lived 00k mere,
but I did know where she worked,
so I heeded eoer le Ike Wed End eftdleedew le see if I ceold lelk le her.
(ser elerm)
Hi there. Hi.I¡¯mlooking for Natalie. She works here?
-Who are you? Why... -I¡¯mso sorry. Myname¡¯syhris.
To be beTestly hoeest with you, I reallyhoe¡¯tweet you ie here.
Sure. Sorry about that, by the way. I thiab aba waa oa the bhoaa batora.
-(moo)yjatea. Camera oS. -(cyria)I¡¯maorry.I¡¯mjeat tryjab to...
-(men)What¡¯she doing? -We¡¯rejest making a film eboet...
-(men)Camera off. -(C?Ce)dde?a CC.
(moo)You justdon¡¯twalk into people¡¯soffices. Out tdu room!
-Out! Out tuskiup out! -(Ohris)..u tilm sPout my uc-pirltouuds.
(door slems)
(Chris)Net everyone seemed Os eelhveieeliv ebevi my yrejevl ee I wee.
When I returned home, I got e phone cell dem the heed ef the hIm cempeep...
-(gheee degieg) -..Werh derbed.
(Chris)Hi, Mark. Everything OK?
Not raolly, no.I¡¯vejust ease oIl the footogs from Scotloob.
What the fucking hell have yu beau doing?
It¡¯sa film about YOUr ax-girlfriends
end eliI¡¯veseen is some fel bloke fouled off e ekelekeerd.
-Wkere ore lkeee lelerviewe? -Erm...
This is o proper foolors-him docomoolorp.
Ii¡¯snot hoihee-hoor crop Iholpoo¡¯rop0000 pot oo Yen hobo.
You¡¯rejust umbliug uruuud, froukiug people out.
Youcuu¡¯ljust lore up wilk u irumoru outsiko sumokukpk kuoso uuuuuuuucoY
Obviously I was taking a more guerrilla aggroask to it.
O gorillo woolO y005 Oooa o battarjob.
Aokthoro¡¯soootkor thiog. YOO look sock 0 scroffy twot,
trytog to got ioto,viows tookiog tiko yoo¡¯rogoooo rob pooglo of 5kk
to buy yourself a cup of tea.
Port of thot odvoocowo¡¯vogivoo you- COO P00 001 boy somoj000s?
Contacting your girlfriends clearlyisn¡¯tworking.
I think wo nook to find dOn so,00 now giridinods.
Have you got anyone in mind, or...
Maybeyou¡¯regay.
Meybe yen need to meet e men.
he be honest, I thinh we need to re-n netnete where we ge dem here
kecenee I think we just need e mejer fuckieg rethink en Ike whets greJeci.
-dk. -
Cheers.
(Chris)The only woy I could think to sorry on
sins lv visit Ike eve women who I knew wee willing In egeek In me-
m)¡¯mom.
-How are you? Sorrywe¡¯relate. -Idon¡¯taxdact eeytdieg diHareat.
Wdywoa¡¯tcay ot tdaaa womea dave aaytdiag to do witd you?
You¡¯reunsuccessful in cjuttiucj any of them to have ueythieh to ho with you.
(cyrie)syo¡¯yfoood o lorgo box of loon lottore
which she thought would help with my project.
Loohiog ol them remiebeb me of come giddieebel¡¯bfergellee ebeol.
Peale. Nateaha. Claire.
-?illiaa? -Who the hell was she?
Who¡¯sAma? Anne Marie Leefech.
?eea, I forgot eboet her.
-Olivia, is it? -Another one from Olivia.
-Olivia. -Ahnrn¡¯aanother one from Olivia.
-There¡¯squite a lot from her. ¡ªOlivia...
Oh, my Ooh. You rash it.
¡°It¡¯squite ironic how initially it was you who seqqesteh we ecsheeqe ehhresses
with me not beieq sure ot whet Iwnntnh.¡±
¡°Nowyou make no contact while I am ringing ankwriting.¡±
¡°Yonown ma the conrtnay to tall ma
whether you want to see me again, romeetixelly orcot.¡±
¡°Iteal lihel¡¯xebeee weitieg tor exam reaelta. yoxe,Olixie.¡±
Shame on you.
-Who¡¯sthat? -It starts with¡°SearShit-bash.¡±
Oh, dear. ¡°Oi,canty.¡±That¡¯sa nice name.
-Sorry? -Nothiad.
(Chris)My mum hub been through so much with me.
bbs rsully wuulsb my grujscl lu bee success.
So she muds some culls round the villugo end gorsuodod u bce! su to bulk to me.
teIis.
-Hello. -Julia Aehalo. Oh, my God.
-I¡¯mnot sure itI¡¯msomtooehle with this. -00.
(Chris)So...
By the way, my mum said hi.
I seeyou¡¯restaring at me almost in horror.
OK. Let me ash, what era yoar memories ot the ralatioaahigL Do yoa hasa haggy...
Oh, of course, yeah. Yeah, very fond memoriec.
I have no resollesfioe of any aorf of bed fimea.
and certainly no bad times where yon warn concerned.
Oh, wall,that¡¯shood. do, why... why hid yon hemb may
It was jest something that fizzled out.
We went offend hid other thieha, so therewese¡¯tthet soetest say more.
-(Chris)Hm. So we drifted apart. -Cash.
Do you remember deiep sad after the reletioeadip dad split ep, or...
-I¡¯msure I must have been sad. -Mm-hm.
But egeie, it wea...
You know, 11 years old, you...
youdon¡¯truelly sort ot...
I was probably devastated for... oh, for some time,
befitwoalba¡¯tbase tePee me load to pet over it. po to the sweet shop sad thieb:
¡°Oh,that¡¯snice.¡±
-What do you do at that ada, yoa haowy -Yeah.
(Chris)Iwusu¡¯Isure oxucily whetI¡¯dberet from my hrst beisruiew,
but el best my yrejsrC wee xefrer Wey.
By the time I gel beck heme, my mum hed elreeby erreegeb eeelher teleruiew.
Heve yee gel cc eddreee ler Dewek
WhenI¡¯direetected Dewe, she¡¯dturned me down,
but eher e cell demm¡¯mum, she edreed te meet me teter thet bed.
-How do I look? -You look terrific. Oh, beautiful.
Your auhurbuata chow rihht the way throehh,
underneath your trousers and your tummy.
Whet ho you thiuh she¡¯llmehe ot mey
She¡¯llbe very glad she married the mae she merrieh.
(cyrie I brat met Sewn when I wee dna yeere nIh.
We were childhood sweet heerte.
Oee hey,h¡¯ewebeceme e wemee,
end we become boyfriend end girlfriend.
We wed eni legeiher for Iwo heggd deere.
I Wee greet friends with her femily lee, eegecielly her mum,
ee I wee reelly leehieg ferwerd le eeeieg them egete.
(Dawn)Hello.
Alc¡¯thad changed since Pawn dumped me 15 peers age.
-Feshind hell! You own all this? -Yes.
Oh, my God. And thenthere¡¯s this hAle herhen out the bush, eh?
Mum, can you take Alex? Ha¡¯sgonna puke osar ma.
(A?ria)It wee emeaiop ?ow AiAaraot our lions warn.
(Dewo)Mum, can you take Livy to the toilet?
I woodorod ifthoro¡¯dstill bo ooy chomietry betweeo Os.
OK. Well,let¡¯stalk a hOle bit about me and you, then.
-Erm... -(leobha)
What... I mean, why... I mean, you were baaicelly the tirat love ot my lite.
-Hm. -AIao I bat my virieity to yoe. With yoe.
-Was it true the other way? -No.
Oh!
-Yos you always used to say that it was. -Dihly
-Yeah. -Oh, wall, I lied.
-Is that true? -Yeah.
-Oh, OK. -(Dawn laughs)
When you think of the reletionshib... It soeehs like you prokublyhoe¡¯t.
-No. -Erm...
Erm, would you say that it¡¯sa happy memory, or aot partisalarlyy
Wa ware Id, it was sary iataaaa,
and we were only together for edoet a year or more, do it wea...
-dwo yeera,weae¡¯tjfy -Wea jW I thied it wean year.
Maybe two years. Ican¡¯tremember.
Bet, yeah.
And, of course, you grow up.
(Dawn laughs)
do, why did you dump me?
The pleasant side ot oar reletioeadip dad soT ot...
moved into a more unpleasant side- avpariaasa. I doe? deow.
dde tdiap is. odsionsly yon damped ma. Can yon imapian some ot tda reasons?
Yeah. We went to a wedding and yon got really giaaed,
end thee yon ginned my mem eg egninat the door end hiaand her.
Ididn¡¯tknow quite how to react at tde time coc it wea qretty dorridla.
Yea. ddatwaae¡¯t a cary qood tdieq to do.
No.
(baby cries)
Ican¡¯tbe long. You¡¯llhave to quicken thia ag.
I¡¯mtrying jeat to ho thia abort amoant.
Why do you think your love life has been aesh e aesseas
end mien has been a teilerey
I try and learn from thiecja. then hobetelly the next reletionahib then ia a better one.
Yon mihht head rebeetied the acme miatehe,
but then finallysomething¡¯sgonna hit you in the fuse or be geintel enough to any:
¡°Right,thia buhuviour, thia hurt of my sherester limitamu.¡±
¡°Itdoesn¡¯tactually do anything for me or anyone thet I lose end cernedont.¡±
Come on, then.
Can we have ten minutes with your memy
-Not really. -Nyn-byn. Say bye to yoer mem trom me.
(Chris)Although Aewedidn¡¯tseem to be Ihel heggb le see me egele,
I fell I bed leerel eemelhieg dem the eugedeece.
-Hi. -(mum)Hello. EserlYhieg all right?
Yeah. She was preSy pleeaeh to see me, I aeppose.
-How have you got on? -We got on quite well, tore while.
(C?rie)Woet of t?o lottore my mom?eo¡¯foooo¡¯wore from Olioio.
When I Inst SOW Olivin over ten ynors ego, she WOS n young nvlrnss.
I get my mem to go ep ietn the egiv eed she heg net some old photos eed Iegere.
(011010 over phone)Oh, God. I wool to see thoeo tottore. Gob, whet dtd t wdto?
)dhde)dhet woelh be ietereetieg, to show them to pee. We veelb bob over them.
-Yeeh. -Yeah.
-And it would be great to see you adele. -AoA yoo.
(Chris)Do you boos o boydiood?
)Clioio)Idon¡¯t. Cow obool yoo?
(Chris)Erm... No, Idon¡¯t.I¡¯msingle.
(01mm loughs(
(Olivia)OK.
Hi, you.
-Nice to see you. -And you.
Come in.
What¡¯sthe ratio of people who have aeih, ¡°Yoe¡¯sepot to bejohiep¡±
saP people who have aeih,¡°OK¡±?
Erm... AK,I¡¯llbe honest with you.
At this point, you em the only person thet P55 hesiheh to sey yes, bet...
What?! You are johiad!
I¡¯vehad contact with three.., two.
There are a few thataren¡¯twillieh to abeeh to me ever chain.
(TTrie)Olivie wee joet ee Tretty ee I rememTereT Tar
end I hed e feeling we were going to gel en well.
-(ognie)Whet¡¯ethe werhieg title, thee? ¡ªE r . .
What are your memories of the reletioeahipy
All I remember is, you heow, you were a jerh. Yeah.
I have memories of being, yoe know, really herf. Yeah.
I was naive cab I was romeefis, cabif¡¯sg...
Those are good thinks, I think, to be romeetis end... Yeah.
To still beliese in lose or somethied.
-Hm. -Not to say, you know, it was lose, but...
aa wa just bat to thu lattawy
My idea for this interview was I was gonna write yon reglina to them
Ididn¡¯twrite raglina at the time.
So I thought it would be a nice idea it I finally, after all thoaa yaara, wrote a reply.
-It you aaah to ho that,that¡¯atiaa. ¡ªWall...
Thing is, as it turned out, Ididn¡¯thave...
Youdidn¡¯tdasa tima.(leodTa)
-(bashes mic) -Sorry.
But why have you kept them?
It you never replied, why would you keep theve lettervy
ddet¡¯vweird to me. ddet¡¯ve Pit tevked up.
I have to say, Ididn¡¯treally keep them. It was my mam.
Bat why woalh yoar mam sea my letteray
What kind of relationship do you have with yoar mamy
Coma on, let¡¯sread these thiapa.
(geeye)Feckieg hell! OK.
¡°Ilike you more than anyoneever.¡± Oh, Ooh!
¡°..yonmake no contact while I am ringing andwriting.¡±
¡°l¡¯cnbane thinking abont yon. kota ot bce,Obicin.¡±
¡°Ifyou wish to be friends,that¡¯sfine. Idon¡¯tpretend I would not prefermore.¡±
¡°Ifeel liheI¡¯sebeen weified for exem results. Lose,Olisie.¡±
Hm. I feel physically sick.
When you received leffers from me seyiep how mesh I weefeh fo hear from yoe.
that clearlydidn¡¯t kind of prick your coeccinece.
Or, it it did, not nnonpd to pick ape pee end write deck or pick ep fda pdoee. do...
I think... By the way...
I did ring you. We did speak on the ghoee.
You¡¯resuch cc ercehole.
-I thieh I wec ieto you. -Ecbleie why youhihe¡¯twrite thee.
lama lazy arse.
Right.
Idon¡¯tbelieve people are lazy. I believe they deliberatelyeree¡¯ttorthvomiep.
cab there era reeaoea why they¡¯recot torthvomiep with their teeliepa.
Well, could I make it up to you by taking you ou a butay
-You ware cruay ukout mu. -You¡¯reruabiup tkuau luttura tkiukiup:
¡°Thatmust mean there¡¯saomethie?jthere.¡±
(TTrie)No. I¡¯maeyie?, there mihht be.
Trust is a big thing and Idon¡¯tthinkI¡¯dtrust you.
dot ityon¡¯rnsnying to mu,¡°I¡¯sntushud ug usury rulutiousdigI¡¯snusurdud.¡±
Why would that make me think, ¡°Hay!kat¡¯a?ooat¡±y
Maybe you ahoalh cad aomaoaa oat whohoaaa¡¯thaow aay ot thia ataff.
-(Chris)Not even dinner?
No.
Sorry, Chris.
Why?
Erm...
I justwouldn¡¯t... I justwouldn¡¯t.Yeah.
(Chris)I was building up a picture of myssif through tapsx-girifrisubs¡¯spas.
I thoughtI¡¯dluks upOlivia¡¯ssaggsshoa aud last whatI¡¯disarat oa a asw biddisab.
dlii hod to do WOS hod ooo.
My friend ood producer Morp offered to help me eel op o dope 00 Mph poco.
She told me it Wee e sore-drewe)¡¯ to meet new girls.
(Chris)How successful will this method dub
(Mery)Really successful, especially when you pimp up your pupa. Occupefiouy
Pilm Pirusfor. Mocie Pirusfor.
¡°Independentfilmmaker.¡±
(Mary,)Slim/slender. athletic. some extra baggage?
Athletic.
Now we want some photos ot poe.Pet¡¯s choose a tile.Pet¡¯ssee poer photo bank.
Oh, wow. Oh, Jesus!
-(Chris)Mychin¡¯sall right. -No.
-You do have to look hot. -Oh, ahit. 00.
-How¡¯athat oaa? -do, you look payvhotiv. do.
That¡¯sgonna confuse people. You look liken girl.
(TTY5)To me, thet woelk he e PeTer one.
You look really scrubby, a student.
-(Chris)There¡¯sthat oee. ¡ªIt¡¯stoo weird.
Itdoesn¡¯tactually look like you.
You wanun look dot, dat not too curious, you know wknt I munny
Awful. Stalker. Weird. Not good.
-What about tdia oaa? -ddat¡¯acute.
-(Chris)It¡¯sgood,isn¡¯tit? -Yeah, you look really cute.
You have the came haircut.)loog?a)
You just need to look hot and cool.
I think you cue look hot it you try, hut... we huvu to ho comuthiuk to your huir.
Do you have a brush?
No.
How do you think I should be looking? Pout?
And look up ut the sumurn. Ad, yes.
(Chris)How soon do you think girls will start resgonhing to may
(Mory)Within n tnw hnys.
(Chris)Wilh lhrss iiCsrvisws unhorrn¡¯boll,
I foil roobh lo shoob lo 00 OX-CiCCiOOC l¡¯Cbooo bolbiob boch Corn coolochob.
Vicky wos tho girlwho¡¯dwrittoo tho oovol oboot tho boyfrioob who hots hillob.
dii hooghsho¡¯botwoys boolob it,
something ebeot the cherecter hod led me to sos god it wee hosed ee me.
I wee hepieg thet I might be eble to hoe sod et ietemiew with yee ter this breject.
(Vicky)Oh-huh. About whul? About...
-Oh, about... -Ouylhiug ayucihc?
About us.
Mm-hm.
dctoolly, it would ho quite good. There is somothiog I wool to ioih to TOO ohool, so...
Well, itit¡¯ssbout the moesq, I cse qsq qoe beck the moesq.
Erm, ire, it¡¯snot oboot the money. Erm...
(Chris)My rolottooship with Ctchy woe the looboelt¡¯ooooor hoC
I knew she wanted to get married,
so I bought a ring end proposed to her Ic the mocked house et the see.
She sold yes, but uSsr four yours of sugugsmsul,
I stillhudu¡¯lsot o dole for lbs wsddio5, ood she 5050loolly homysh me.
Vicky egreeb le be ielerxieweb the next beb et the flet where weV 1meV tebet her,
eeh where eke eew licek with her eew bebbieeV
I knew going there would bring hock o lot of momodoe,
hot noon en, I woe loohiog forwork In cooing her ogoin.
I¡¯vedecided to cancel the interview...
deveeve...
I¡¯veoverslept.
Even it I leave now, Idon¡¯ttdiedI¡¯mpoene pet tdere on time
sosit¡¯squite a long drive.
SoI¡¯mjust gonna stay at dome.
A bit of a tuck-up.
(Chris)As I hod the rest of the hey of home, I checked my Mybbece hObO
to see ifI¡¯dbedeef¡¯ielereel.
I guess there must heve been e techeicet errer
becoose the offers weren¡¯texecily flooding in.
dorl000lely, Mery eel me og 00 0 dole with e dieed of here coiled dhedie.
-What¡¯sshe like? -(Wery)sSeelly nice end reelly cute.
-Uk-huh. -Sodon¡¯tfusS ito?.
(Chris)I told my mum I WOS going on o dole,
nod sho odorod to iromo og nod tidy my got.
The desk is a mess. There¡¯sstaff all osar the tloor.
There¡¯sstaff that aaaha soTiad sad baffiah sway.
¡°Caringfor Christopher. Good womanwanted.¡±
Is nil of this hiCy? Cad nil needs soCiap and wnahinp?
-(Chris)Maybe it is dirty. -Oh!
-OK, leave this room to ma. -do, ao.
-What do you mean, no? -Because I know where the clothes ho.
Bet youdon¡¯tknow where they hO whenthey¡¯redirty. dtebih men!
Let¡¯ssee it we could have this.
Lood,it¡¯stereed to cards sad wheL, Christodder.
Lovely. Christopher!
Would you like this for your tee?
Would you like it with kuOer? Murmite? Would you like it toustud?
Or would you like the tur supurutuy
The floor where you stand to have a bee... Tabyou¡¯veObviously brobbeb some bee.
boat-cried drib. I thiab they sell it¡°bbD¡±, Thriatobbar.It¡¯sfoal.
There¡¯san empty toilet roll here, there¡¯sen empty toilet roll here.
there¡¯spebis heirs.
Just look at this!
Dear God in heaven! It¡¯sa hiadrasa.
It a girl says, ¡°CanI use thetoilet?¡±,
comes in here eeh tieha a tilthy hole, i?a not whet yon went.
(Chris)Mary says that the amount of toys haa?jia?j aroaah
hoaaa¡¯taaah oat a sary h00h aihaal.
It yoe ever bring somebody back here who yoe went to go oat with
or yoe woeld racily like to get to know better,
youcan¡¯tbe somebody thatyou¡¯renot.
You are a parson who libea to base toys aroaab.bhat¡¯awho yoa are.
And it theydon¡¯tlike that
then I think theywon¡¯tlike yon.
(Chris)With mymum¡¯sudvics in mind,
I mel uy wilh Chudis lulsr Ihul uibhl nub jusi ICed In be myself.
(Chris)SorryI¡¯mlate.
Well...
(silence)
(mic hisses)
(buckgrouud sounds become oudibis)
Thank you very much.
(Chris)
(Charlie)
(Chris)
(Chortle)
(Chris)I thought the dole WOS going well.
I could tell fromChortle¡¯sbody leegoege she wee lute me, so I mode the esul moos.
(dhde)
-(phone rings) -(Chris)I wound fore coil Corn ChoPin.
-HsIIob -Boll gel non Corn Morp loslooC
(Mory)Whot is wrong with you? Doesn¡¯tii even register to your mioh
Ihol 00 0 hrel hole, you boo? oeh the boloile of eomobobyb ooliro eouool yost?
Did Ihul out occur to you, thot thot might ho o littlo hit woird?
No.
She word Ihel she used mee¡¯,meet times wes¡°weird¡±.
She Joel 5d1 ee)ue, ¡°dodreelid, reelidweird.¡±
The fact that YOU got YOLII 10010 to go ctoao TOOT room
cos YOU thought that gtY was gonna haag YOU ts beyond me!
I was jest being optimistic.
I think she will see, when she Pea s bit ot time to retlest on it,
that there was a connection between as cab heite a lot ot chemistry.
yeeoel
I thinkthere¡¯ssomething a bit odd eboet her.
-Whet do yoo meeo? -Ihoe¡¯tknow, I jest...
be newthere¡¯ssomething weird ebeul her eeb eel hen?
-Mebbe. -dohl
I just hooked you up with o roolip sweet, nice piP, oub you Plow ii.
Poo okeolololy Plow ii.
¡ªIdidn¡¯t... -Why do you hove to come oo so full-on?
I was jest trying to be myanit.
(sighs)Next time, be somebody else.
)dbds)I wee gleeseb to bed ext Ihel eee of the gideI¡¯dgheeed xl the begleeleg
hod got bock to touch with mo.
dofort000toty, through hor sottcttoc
Her legel letter mede ii deer ihel she didn¡¯twish le be referred le in my him
in eey wed.
(phone ringing)
Hi,(bleep).It¡¯sChris.
(Chris)her iegei reesees, Icee¡¯lmention her eeme or nee her ceice.
-(silence) -I¡¯ceeeidI¡¯meerry.I¡¯ceeeidI¡¯meerry.
-(silence) ¡ªIt¡¯snot dalishit.I¡¯mask...
-(silence) -..help me. Ididn¡¯teny thet.I¡¯mnet...
-(silence) -I knew. I made a mistake.
-(alienee) -It wee a miataka at tka time. I knew tkat.
After lengthy negotiations with(bleep),
she has ehreeh to ho en intersiew tor my brojest
as long as Idon¡¯tshow her face,
er, use her soise, ace her imehe,
er. mention her name or enythincj at all eboet her that mihht iheetity her.
I¡¯melao not nllownh to mehe reternece to the time when ahe triah to...
(bleep)
(Chris)I egresh to meet¡°ibechet¡±
eeshe¡¯dcow eeheb to be celled to the him, ci e hotel.
h¡¯eebttethe bidicottleeI¡¯dbed te boreoobtob her,
I wee genuinely looking ferwerk to seeing ker egeie,
eek my mink wee kkek wilk imegee ef Ike keggier limeswe¡¯keyed legeiker.
Hello, Rachel.
(compulerisedwomen¡¯svoice)Hello.
I have to say, it makes me quite sad to have to abash to you ie this way.
oet dat 00 wity it.
What are your memories of our reletioeahip?
-Good or bed memories? -Erm...
Good.
Our trip to France WQS nice.
OK.
What about the bad memories?
Well,let¡¯slook ol the feds.
You did not hone 0 job. Yoo did eel hone 00k moooy
YOU were always late and that never seemed to bother you.
YOU seemed to fled tt faced to meke jokes ebout my weight
even though I em rololivoly slim.
You mode me fool hod obovi mYself
I hove since found out ihol ol ponies you proloodod lo other hide
ihol I woe Joel dour sister, proeomobip so poo could hit 00 ihom.
Our sex life W35 terrible.
You ore uureliuble, emoliuuully buchwurb eub u fuchiub tier.
Besivelly, yen were the worst boyfriend I heve ever bed.
Hew, ie veer ekieiee, be yee thick I veelk imkreve cv e keAbeekb
I think you need pro fossioool help.
Look up o pepck0000lpel or Ike ropiel.
If you want to cheeps, the help is out there, Chris.
Thank you.
My pisusurs.
(Chris)Icuu¡¯lsup ii W35 purliculurip uplifting
seeing(bleep)egein.
I em sterling to see wbel mp greblem mep be.
I thinkI¡¯mattracted to psychopathic women.
Coc that is what(dlaay)is.
(Chris)II W35 February 14, eeC us I eel en my ewe Ic my hut,
I remembereh e CiCCieeCwbe¡¯CerCuelly Cumyeh me ee Celeelieeh Fey itself
The lest timeI¡¯dseen Peeielle,we¡¯dspent e weeheed lepeiher in e lnxnrp heist.
Whelener I did wreep mnsl Pens Penn pnils bed es I esner heerd dem Per epein.
-(h¡¯uuielle)Cuw¡¯Cyou gel my number? -(Chris)It¡¯dbe fun In Cu it ut your house.
-)h¡¯uuinlln)I¡¯mnut Cuing ii in my hence. -Why nut?
Because...
-Hiya. -Hi, there. Who are you?Denielle¡¯smum?
-Yes. -Good to meet you.I¡¯mChris.
-(looghe) -Good to see you.
-Bye. -Bye.
(Chris)Although Aeuielle W05 e model,
she WOS even more beevdfvl theeI¡¯dremembered.
Ihevem¡¯vrew the eibht ed ee I vevlb sheet the teterview
in the more erhmele surroundings of en lediee reeleoreel.
(dhde)
(Chris)
We, er... did kiss.
We, arm... rolled around on the bed.
But I admit that I...
couldn¡¯tget it up... with Deeielle.
I seem to Puce pet Per off en entire ruse ot men.
Maybe this is a bigger problem than I thoeght.
(cyrie)Ioeerteo¡¯to p0y oot more, so te oext yey Ierreopeo¡¯to meet Deoielle
to go back to the hots! room whom we fetish to hove sex two veers ego.
-I think this is it. I think this is the one. -(gee!e!!e)I think this is it.
I booked this hotel room. I borrowed tde moeey trom my mem,
eeh yoe seme oser, sed, er... yoe heow...
The idea was it was going to be some soT ot really sexy eight.
It was totally soatasiag to ma, sad it still is, as to why Isoalha¡¯t...
you know, get an erection.
I¡¯vehad maybe four giritrianda via yon
andI¡¯venot really had sex with any ot them
bavanan my bania isn¡¯tworhiad brobarly.
(receptionist)Ahem.
I¡¯mbasically useless...
as a man.
What about medication? Would you not tada an? madication?
-You mean like... -Viagra.
Viagra?
No?
(Chris)Do you not feel it¡¯scheating?
Maybe I should jest try that.
-Yeah. -(Chris)It¡¯shasoma really had.
This last girlfriend, without going into the axast agasitisa of it,
the way we woalh hasa sax, it was almost as it she was...
You know, as if I was a woman.
(Chris)I left the hotel morn son foaab then when I nwioaC
Tertueetaly, I get telkarg to some guys who were ohIo to help ma.
The problem is that I can start, but I caeeot tieiah.
Youcan¡¯tfinish? You can if you wunnun...
-Rnlnc. -..if you wnnnnn finish.
I actually... I thinkthat¡¯sit. Ican¡¯tralac.
Yoa¡¯cahot to ralac whaayoa¡¯rawi¡¯a woman.
Don¡¯tjust rush in tan your tit or your tunny or whutusur.
Kiss hur wan tits, hiss hur wan month, hiss hur wan nash. Esna nibbla on thu nur.
I think I start thinking about thu tastit¡¯sgonna habban.
Hasa you asar hnh nay broblama in that wayy
-No,I¡¯venever had a problem that way. -No.
Aye, vomatimea I have had a problem,
coming too quick because Idon¡¯tlike tkn leccin.
Cocit¡¯sjests oee-eiqkt ateeb,
empty your sacs andthat¡¯sit. But wheeyou¡¯rewi¡¯somebody you lose...
you¡¯lllust loupur.
Listen, mate,you¡¯vegot to relax. You¡¯vejest got to xgill.
Ixee¡¯tsosI¡¯mtieLieg eboet it all the time.
It you tickle it right, youdon¡¯thave to put your gania in.
(cyria)I can barely mnctnrbntn nay morn.
No? You cuuuuu? You actually being serious anb houuatwi¡¯mu, my mae?
-Yea. -You must be guy oraomuthiu¡¯.
-Con meat be gay. -Yen you not get it eg
A bit ot Yeeeliee orsomethie¡¯.
-Go to a doctor. -Adoctor¡¯IIgive ye...
-Grab her araa. -Batyoa¡¯ragay, mate.
(all talk at once)
-Take Viagra. -I¡¯mforty tacking eight.
-I¡¯mgum¡¯wi¡¯a 22-year-old lassie. -Really?
(Chris)It W05 greet to tel? to the guys eod they hod some reetty greeteo¡¯otse.
I thinkI¡¯veberet e lot ebeut women,
but Idon¡¯tthink thie dreklem Ic thet kid e keel.
Certainly not something I need to sisit a dostor edont.
I thind...
I jesthaven¡¯tfound the right woman.
(Chris)dortooetnly, interest to my Mydpevn pegs eeemeh to he pivhiog op.
So I made a few calls,
sent e few emeile,
end went to aenrsh of o new girlfriend.
I play a lot of tennis. Erm...
I like going to art galleries.
I like shoes geite a lot.
Erm, and I have a lot of shoes.
I like men with bid noses- a at roan nose.
I was doing musical theatre. A lot of people are¡°Er?¡±shout musical theatre.
-Do you apeeh cc? lteliee? -(A?rie)do.
-Have you been to Italy before? -Er, eo.
-Ho you voob or babe? -Ho.
I can be a little bit depressed sometimes. Jests little bit berd sad biffiselt.
I cry s lot. wbisb is irritetiep tor mae.
I notice, boytrieehs, they always get irriteteh, thee Ihoe¡¯t...
They will try to toech me, bet Ihoe¡¯twent them to toech me.
Erm...
(Chris)One girl dumped me, actually, seven times in a...
I¡¯mpleased that it gives so much pleasure to you.
I¡¯msorry.
Hi. Can I please book a cab?
Do you know akoat ant art?
It¡¯ssort of like conceptual art, erm...
kink of kemp reworkek camp internet teskeolopina,
and maybe artworba that cross a boundary
between baia?j an artworb or a coatactani brojact.
SoI¡¯mkind of looking at how those practices may or may not imgact
fda diacigliaa of aS diatory.
Wow.
(Chris)I have obviously wondered it I might be gay.
You might be. It you go on a date with me, iya libely.
-RnnIIyWhy¡¯? -It¡¯anot the only gewonI¡¯vetereeb.
Really? So more than one ey,you¡¯ve...
-Yeah. More thee two. -Oh, really?
(Chris)My dolesweren¡¯tgoing Ihel well. With the excegilee of eee gid.
)dhde)Whet he yee Ieeh ter ie e meteb
A mate? You make me sound like a moeke?.
(A?Ye)IsoolAo¡¯ttell if?eoet wee leod?iod et me or wit? me,
but she seemed In hub me funny eeywey.
(Chris)Are you snjeyieg this hslsb
Er,I¡¯lltell you at the end.
(Chris)Would you be ietereateb ie comie?j bach to my tleth
Maybe.
-Can I sit there? -(Chris)Yeah, of course.
-Thanks very much. -What do you think ot the tinty
Erm...
Messy.
(Chris)What shall we talk about?
What shall we talk about?
-(?eoat)What do you waaaa ho? ¡ªE r
What would be your usual...
you know, stub trom this biub ot butuy
What qualities do you thinkyou¡¯vegot to offer aomeoee like...
may
(Chris)Things seemed In be going reelid well wilh Teesi.
dclii...
-Idon¡¯tthink you should worry about it. -(cyria)kat ma ubolohian tor thu way...
dhia soahom thiad is always an iaaaa.
I started to put it on, I realisedI¡¯dpot it oa iaaida oat.
It tlippad off sad astaally tlippad oato your lap at tdat poiat.
Then I became confused and I started to doedt myself.
Ted thee it was no.
Mm.
What do you... How was it from your parapastisa?
Brief.
OK, yeah. Yes, it was.
-Can I turn that round? -Yeah, of conran, ?aah.
Haa thia broblam occarrad batora?
Not thatit¡¯sa problem. It¡¯sjest...
Well, it is a problem. Yea, it Pea.
A lot?
Erm...
I had, arm, some quite good expectations.
Mm-dm. Based oa the hiaaieq?
But...
like I said, I think maybe it should not be soeeteh.
-Should not be...? -Counted.
-As an official... -Cued.
This is assumingI¡¯mgonna see you again. Thays somathiagI¡¯sagot to thiah shout.
Ihoa¡¯tthiah you shoalh worry shout it.
How long has this been going on for?
Erm, grntty mash three ?nnra.
The last time you tried to have aev, whet evestly heppeeeh
Well, I toeeh her eTrestise, arm,
but maybe two minutes into it, I aterteb to teal my bisb bO limb,
cab it basama pretty awbwarb, yeah.
And then it was jest like a downward adiral.
-It was jest like a widaoat. -AA.
-She¡¯sdumped me since. -OK.
-Do you want to hop on the coechy -Sure.
(doctor)And breathe in. Are you OK?
Yeah.
Stop.That¡¯sfine.
You need to slip your trousers down end slimd on the soesh. You went to film thisy
Erm, we probably will and thenwe¡¯lljest blur it oat, I thieb.
OK.
When the penis is erect, Chris, hese yoe eotiseh, er...
sey beehiep or sersetere to the penis?
Erm... not really.
-And the foreskin goes bask AAy -Yeah.
Does it get a liDle bit tight when the penis is ernst?
I hoe?... Dot eesomtortebly.
Just checking the pulses in the prom. Phet¡¯sit.
Phet¡¯stine. ece you trieh eey mehicetioec like yieprey
No. I supposeI¡¯mreluctant to kind of try it.
I mesa, is it dseperoes Is it...
No. Vieqre is quite a safe medication,
but it cue be cery beeqeroec ie certeie aiteetioea.
It thatdoesn¡¯twork, there is another sompoueh selleh elbrostehil
whish see be ehmieistereh hirestly into the benis by the betient himselt.
either by injection with a tiny needle into the aheft ot the benia,
or bye liftle ballet which ic beaaeh throehh the eye ot the benia, the erethre.
-Oh, God! -There are many treatment obtiona, ar...
tor aractila hyateaction.
Sowe¡¯regoing to send the tests off, thee we¡¯llhese reselts tor yon in three weeds.
(Chris)I hose to foss the fest thet I hess e ,oebisel soohitioo.
Apparently, I cannot get an erection witPont mePicel anppoA.
gow¡¯ait gonna worpy WPnty Po I meat coma girl endwe¡¯repnAinp on really well,
she comes back to my place, and thee I base to cay:
¡°Oh,eccece me a moment. l¡¯cajest pot to po and inject mypanic¡±?
Itdoesn¡¯tsound that appealing.
I¡¯vePenn loohiep ep Viepre on the internet, endit¡¯snot thet sheep.
It works out at about 20 quid an erection.
I maun, acaa it I just had thraa aractioaa a waah ocar thu coaraa ot my lita,
that¡¯sgonna add up to something like klbb,bbb.
Idon¡¯tthink I san afford to hasa sax.
There must be another way.
Notice how it teals whee yoe thieh eboet yoer beeia.
Just think of your penis growing.
Something is shnnpinp now.
You know how to get erections, jest like rihiek e horse ore hike.
It tee oct ot tee is rock herk, whet em yoe et the moment?
At the moment,I¡¯mzero.
-Too fast? -No, the?a tine.
This is the big moment, boy. Take a big heeb breath in.
Tbh!
(massaging sounds)
Keep breathing, Chris.
This is a wonderful thing to do on a first data.
It¡¯sa eisa way to get to daow somadody.
(exhales)
They call it¡°wakingthesnake¡±.
(Chris)Despite everything, my seePs wee still eeieep.
(ever ihe pheee(
(Chris)Oh, hi.
Sexual relations with somebody else, the ext ot sexual ieterxoerae,
represents an emotional connection,
naP perPepait¡¯stPn emotionel intimesy tPnt is esteelly wPnt yon went.
Hm.
I¡¯vebrought my guitar along today
becauseI¡¯vewritten this little song about impoteese sub I was goeee sieg it to you.
I write peite a lot ot soega eeywey sosI¡¯mie a buab, so...
:I¡¯dlike to tuck every girl in the world
: But Icee¡¯tceem to tech one
: Crack whores and Christian virgins
: Cad lesbians too
:I¡¯dlike to tuck every girl in the world
: But Icee¡¯teven tech you
It¡¯snot the most romantic love song.
-Itisn¡¯tromsntis st nil, is it? -No.
You¡¯rethinking about a frustration,
thatyoa¡¯hliha to hava sax with Iota ot woman
and itdoesn¡¯tmatter who they are or whether they went to have any with yon.
BetI¡¯malso thiehied eboet the tamale atereotybea that era in yoer lyrisa-
crack whores, Christian virgins and lesbians.
Crash whores are geogla who are salearabla,
and Christian virgins are normally fairly iaassaaaibla anvanlly,
and lesbians woald saCainly ha innssnaaibln anvanlly.
And, typically,
those are not positive stereotypes tor men, erathey¡¯?
Erm...
And the fact thatyou¡¯rewriting funny conga abont it,
I thinkthat¡¯sjust a way of distancing yonranit
trom thu knintal tanlinds thut this... thut thu urustilu dysfunction
and your feelings of not being successful with women esfeelly regreseefs for you.
I fhiehif¡¯sjest 5 wey of esoibieg if.
Mm.
(Chris)Iwusu¡¯Isure whether Dr Lulu lihebm¡¯suu ur eel,
but she told me IholI¡¯dneed ooolhor lb months of Iroolmool.
I woe bodied to boon eou eoooor thee Ihot.
Moybe I needed o more rodicol solution to my problem.
(dhde)I¡¯vejest hese cheMeb with this womee oe the ietemet.
Er...
I told her all about my problem,
and actually she¡¯svery sympathetic.
dda¡¯araally said coma aisa thiapa to ma.
It turns outshe¡¯sactually into, er... into S eeh M,
eehshe¡¯shot her owe heeheon.
MaybeI¡¯llgo and visit her for my project.
Hm.
Have you ever pretended you were vomedody elve cv cc edelty
Erm... I oeve dreaved up cv dpider-Mee at a...
Sensual, erotic adult.
-BoSom spanked? -do.
-Whipped erse? -No.
-We¡¯lldo the schoolroom sseeerio. -Mm-Pm.
We will try you with the ball-kicking and the whiba.
Aeh come tootyntiahieg.
(Mistress Meieie(Over the bench.
-(speck) -(prude)
-Was that too hard? Too soft? -(phone rings)
Ia-batwaaa?
-I¡¯mtalking to you! -That¡¯smy phone.
(phone rings)
Mum. Erm...
Can I call you back? I¡¯mjust busy at thu momaut.
-(herd spook) -(loud grunt)
Is it possible to get a glass of water?
-What have I told you?! -Argd! Fash!
Not Mistress goiag oat the door, raaaiah aroaah liFe a hlaa-araah tly
to get the slave a glass of water!
Agh!
Pardon? Did you say something?
Yeah. I said,¡°Aph.¡±
Sorry. I did something wrong. I probably did.I¡¯vedone n lot wrong in my lite.
I¡¯vegot n lot ot nv-girltrinnda tdnt era very angry with me.
Not a good thing to be telling someone who belieses in tamale segremesy.
dde wrote me lose letters end Ididn¡¯t regly. dde said she was in lose with me.
(Mistress Meisis)Cooooh!
(Chris)Argh!
bay,¡°Sorry,Olivia¡±, and,¡°I¡¯mnow going to be a baSer gnraon
by not InOing woman down or myanlt intatarn.¡±
Argh!
I¡¯msorry, Dawn.
Argh! Sorry, Emma.
-Er... Catherine. -Catherine.
Argh!
Don¡¯tbe pissing the Irish off.
She¡¯sactually Welsh.
Whose mercy are you at eowy
Is it possible we could jest have a hAle kiss?
-Just esee 5 hAle Pep? -A Pep?
Hugs Idon¡¯tdo.
Argh! Argh!
Fuchind hell!
Why would you think I¡¯dwant to huhyou¡¯?
Beforeyou¡¯veeven said sorry to eli tde dirlayou¡¯vedert detorey
Add!
Argh!
Ah! Agh! Agh!
Argh!
Why did they stay around?
-Why did they stay around? -Yeah.
You ware ao hood at the sax. You ware ao hood at the xoaxaraatioa. Why?
You must have had something oiag tor you.
A larha gems, I aeggose. Aoelh it bay
(screams)
-(screaming) -Say,¡°Forgiveme.¡±
Fey,¡°Forgiveme,ladies.¡±
Forgive me. Forgive me, ladies.
(screams)
I thinkI¡¯velost sight of whatI¡¯mdoing.
I¡¯mnot making a film about my penis.
I thinkI¡¯snpot to try nab ratosna.
(Chris)I had to gel bock to contact with my ox-girlfriends,
so I dscihsh to gico ho oooikor dog.
-(Ze over the phone) -(Chris)Yeah.
Peek, well, I¡¯mstill making it.
Thanks.
I have, but... you know, Icouldn¡¯tafford it.
That¡¯swhy I thought you might ha abla to haig.
(TTria)Of oil my ax-girlfriaoTa, To wos tTa 000 wToO Toowo ma ot my lowoat yoiot,
uflorI¡¯dsplit up with my long-term giridmsuP Plc Pp.
Pufuduoulsip, I urduoP lots ouP IPuPu¡¯l solon so I PociPoP In orPor 0 lohsowop.
Red curry with king prawns.
Because Zn worked Os 0 ysyckietric nurse,
I thoughtshe¡¯dthrow oo iotorostiog gore goctioo oo sums of my grobtoms.
Do you look ksck ou our rslstiouskik witk sDsctioub
I was very excited when I first met you. yeah. I thoehht yoe were dreet.
-(cyrie)Whyy
Cos Ididn¡¯tknow yet that... About the truth.
AA. What ia the trethy
You see every woman you¡¯vebeen out with us huieb sresy.
Bet I thiebyoe¡¯regoeee brise them to thet boiet where they jest hut SO trestreteh
and they go crazy, and then yon call woman crazy, bat...
And I thinh yon admiAnd that yon hind ot enjoy that.
OK.Let¡¯smove on to the next question. Erm...
WhL hih Lou hemq me?
You were too busy, and you...
always arrauga to meat sad tdaa saasal.
You were always at least two hours late tor aaythia?j. Er...
Yeah.
I mean, was there aaTdiag good?
-The kissing was good. -Thank yon.
-Sothat¡¯sa good thing. You can use that. -do you hid acgadaaca coma glaaaara.
Sacwasn¡¯tthu highlight ot thu ralatioaahig.
Hm. Do you think you ever had an orgasm with may
Er, no, Idon¡¯tthink so.
Erm, why do you think I have had this problem with mypenis¡¯?
Idon¡¯tknow. I¡¯mnote hostor.
-You are in a way. Almost. -No,I¡¯mnot.
Idon¡¯tdeal witd daodla¡¯aaaxaal drodlama at all.
But why do you think I had this problem whan I was pomp oat withyou¡¯?
y05 I toaah you attrastisa.
I think youweren¡¯tready for a reletioeahib.
Well. yeah.I¡¯dmat abut up with yichy. bet that wea three yaara a?o.
-I¡¯vestill got the problem. -Yeah.
You thinkI¡¯mstill cot rushy tor a reletioeahip
Er...I¡¯veno idea.
OK. I mean, yoe make it aoeed like I¡¯vedot aerioea kayvkolodivel drodlema.
I think you have mental health iaaeaa, yea, bet Ihoe¡¯theow...
it I heow you eeoehh to hick ot really hat them.
What do you mean ¡°mentalhealthissues¡±?
You thoahht tor haita a while there that yoa ware ?aaaa.
You know? You actually believed it.
That¡¯skinda halacional.
(door buzzer)
(Chris)The iulsruisw hod ruizeb bidicull boszliooz,
so I W3S glad that it WOS interrupted by the arrival of our tohoowop.
Nice toad, actually.
We never reetty get beck to the totervtew.
Aoywoy, it WOS more foe to ttetoo to moetv, brtoh hoer oob trtok hotter,
which is whet we did fer the rest ef the night.
It wee greet te see be egete,
but being with her took me bock to the limo when I eglit og with Vichb.
: Ill coelb heve helb yoe
: Once more in that light
-(plays wrong note) -Fuck.
:It¡¯snothing to you
: But it keeps me alive
; Like aValentine¡¯s0ay
;It¡¯saValentine¡¯sheart anyway
(guitar playing continues,)
(phono going dialing)
(phone ringing)
(Vicky)Hello?
¡ªIt¡¯sme. -Hello.
I was... Obviously, I wanted to try and do tdis intarsiaw again, berry.
lJh-huh. Are you coming up, yeah?
-Yeah,I¡¯mcoming up. I was... -Ph-huh.
And obviously I¡¯llset my alarm this time.
-dh-huh. Thet would do good. -dash. Erm, so...
I was thinking maybe next weekend.
Mm-hm. Yeeh, thet should be elI dght.
Thing is... I W35 meeeieg In tell yen, but yenbenen¡¯lbeen in ireeleci fur e while,
en I jnel lbengbl l¡¯bbelier lull yen.
I¡¯mhaving a baby.
OK. Wow.
Congratulations. Wow,that¡¯sa big bit of anwa.
-bo... ThookCoo. -Wow.
-1don¡¯tknow... ¡ªI¡¯lls... Yeah.
-Yeah, OK. -OK.
-OK, bye. -I¡¯llspeak to you soon.
-Yeah. Bye. -Bye.
(Chris)Ididn¡¯tknow how to rood to Iko oows okool dickC
kko morn I Ikoodhi okool oil my yrokioms,
the more I reetteeb they ott reteteb to eee thteh,
eeb t etttthebe¡¯tfeoeb the eetottee.
The next boy, something orrtoob through the post.
I¡¯mgoieg to teke some his gre.
I¡¯mgonna do a controlled test.
Well, here we go.
Can¡¯treally feel anything yet.
Idon¡¯tknow how many of thean thiaga yoe¡¯remeant to take.
I can feel something in my nose.
It jest teals slightly herh.
Idon¡¯tknow whetherit¡¯ssos I bought the skunk stuff or whet, bet...
bet et the moment, I¡¯mnot heffieh eeythie.
I¡¯mgonna take a couple more.
Fack it, I¡¯mgonna take aaotkar.
Ooh.
My tongue is blue.
One more.
I feel a bit odd.
(sighs)
Oh, shit!
Feckiep hell!
I need to speak to a doctor, pleece.
About six or seven pills.
How long do you thiub it will lusty
Eight hours?
I¡¯vegot an erection. I¡¯vegot a techieg major erection.
(moo)Er, right. Whet em you goooo do?
I¡¯vegot to find someone to dexe sex witd.
-OK. Er... -I¡¯mgonna go out.
Are you gonna film it?
Er...
I need to have sex with someone. Is it boasible that we soelh have sex?
-Would you have sex with me? -Huh?
-Right now. -do, the?a cot a hood idea.
-Excuse me. I need to have sex. -You need to what?
-I need to hece sex with someone. -Whet?
-Would you have sex with me? -No.I¡¯mreally sorry.
dorry. Ni. Exxeae me. I cued to have sex.
Is this some school video project?
Ecsese me. Woeld oe hese sec with me?
-I want to t... I need to tuck someone. -That¡¯shreet. I hobe yon ho.
Towy.I¡¯mtryind to tied someone who¡¯llhese sec with me.
Oh, my God.
I¡¯mjest trying to have sex with some...
Would you be interested in having sex with mey
I¡¯mnot sure. I¡¯min n berry.
-You seem so nice. -You too, but Icee¡¯tbulb you.
You cue holb me jest tor e moment. One moment.
That¡¯sall.
Would it be possible jest to cio a liTla bit teTher thaa that?
-Really? -Yes.
But how can I believe you? Thieb is,I¡¯mrushy rihht cow.
This is a nightmare for me.
I have an interview.I¡¯ma joereeliat, I write for a meheaiee. eeh I meat...
What magazine?
You can give me your aambar. I will call yoa, I gromiaa.
-AK. -What¡¯syour name?
-Alex. -Hey. It was nice to meet you.
-Would you be interested in having sex? -No, theed you.
-do. -(womeo)Exxeae me.
Would you be interested in having sex with...
I¡¯me diode in bred.
Do you find me at all aDractivu?
-I¡¯ma bit old for you. -do, I lida you.
I need someone to have sex with.
Well,you¡¯dbetter speed to my desdeed.
-I need to have sex with someone. -No.
I¡¯msorry, Ididn¡¯theow it was yoer sister.
Did you just say you need to tuck someone?
Yes. Can I tuck you?
-No. -Why not?
-You have to buy me drinks. -I dasa an arastion.
Drinks and dinner. Drinks and dinner and dreaneta.
-Di. Ann we dasa sax? -Diddt now? Are yon deadarata?
-Are you desperate to have sex? -Yea.
-Would you... would you tush me? -do, Iwoelde¡¯t.
-Last tuck off. -OK, man. Sorry.
Leave it. Easy, easy, easy, mae. Easy, easy.
(meleosholy goiter music)
I had some time to think while I was in the sell.
I¡¯mnot sure my experiment was a very pooP iPee.
IPoe¡¯ttPiePI¡¯vetePee tPe news eboetyixPy¡¯aprepeeexy very well.
It¡¯smade me realise that...
I¡¯mstill in love with her.
Hello. Already filming?
-How typical. -Well, yeah.
(Chris clears throat)
Wow. Look at you.
Give us a kiss, then.
Erm, and, er...
Yeah, a little bit of a change in here.
-No hrib on the tab. -No brib on the tab, yeah. Got that ticab.
-Well, how did you do that? -I got someone in.
-l¡¯sngot to hasa a washing mashian. -Right.
That¡¯sthere.
-For... -Oh.
I actually now need to do things like wash naggina and...
Dons it... What dons it tanl liha somind in harny
Quite sad,I¡¯dsay.
Erm...
What are your memories of our raIatioaahip
It was a sary... it was a sary Ioah ralatioaahib, so...
Erm I mean...
There¡¯s...Right stretching hash to anisaraity hays,
so, erm...
Erm...
Hang on a second. Er...
(Chris)AK. All right. Just hold on tor a second.
Why...
Why do you think we split up?
Erm...
OK, why do I think we split up?
Erm, I think that...
we wanted different thiaha at that...
Sorry. Can I just calm down a bit and you ask...
-OK. -You sun nab thu dunation adam.
It¡¯sjust I was still thinking about the last...
thu last hanation, so...
-Do you want to answer the last qeestiony -Erm, no,l¡¯hrather answer that heestion.
y05 the memories thieh is jest...
-Too big? -Mm-hm.
-How am I looking? -Fine.
-Yeah? -You look lovely.
Erm...
OK, let me ask you, why do you think we skId epy
I thoepht there was a died ot lite that I weeteh
that Ididn¡¯treally see...
arm, a possibility ot dasiap.
In the near future, anyway.
And.., so what wea that litay
Erm...
I mean, odsioaaly, it was to have kids and a tamily and, arm...
other more normal things.
Why do yon thinh wedidn¡¯that hash togetheW
We were geffieg on with our different lives, you know.
You were...
working and, you know. seffink up life in London.
end I was np kern end. erm. yon know...
We were seeing different people, end, erm...
You know...
I¡¯vestarted to think that maybe mahiab this tilm was a hramatis way to...
maybe...
get back together with you.
Hm. Well...
It¡¯snot gonna happen, is it? I mean...
Erm...
You know thatI¡¯m... you know, now with aomnonn alan
nak havink thnir chilk nnh...
Erm...
You... you already know all that.
I know. I know.
I mean, I think you can try too hark to anharatank thaaa thiaha.
I mean, Iwouldn¡¯tsay I understood it, dat I jest... ar, I jest...
Idon¡¯tdeow itit¡¯sreally dossidle to, so...
I mean, in a way, it¡¯seasier to tell the story ot how...
how thieha aahah.
You know, and to sort of...
do a...
a kind of caricature of that.
Bat, arm, it tahaa loahar than you achact to hat ocar thiaha.
Yeah, well...
You know, I told you I was upset whue you split up witd Par, Put, I muuu, arm...
It was inevitable that she would want a tamily,
and itwasn¡¯taomathiah that yon aver wanted, Chriatodhar.
Was it?
Cos we used to say, you know,
you¡¯regonna have children. one dayyou¡¯redoing to hat married.
And yon never moved on. Yon never moved on in that reletionadib.
When you got engaged, you thought thet wea n john end bought her n trich ring.
Didn¡¯tyou¡¯?It wea never anriona. You never tooh her anrionaly.
And so you lost her. She was very tolereet tor 5 loud, loud time in thet reletionshib.
And youdidn¡¯tlihe it when she tinelly thoehhtshe¡¯dhuh eeoehh.
You know, get over it. You¡¯vegot to get over it.
(Yhrie)I felt toy yrojovt wee e foiloro. The oo1y thiogI¡¯bIoorot
was thatI¡¯dmessed up the one relationship that realty mattered to me.
I had eothtep else to film,
so oil I coolk do wos look bock throogh lbs lopos of toy jooroop
ood try to tooko sooso of it oIl.
As I watched the footage,
I rwowoborob a girt who I toast hove toot boned toy oxponh000t with Vie gre.
You can give me your number. I will call you, I gromicu.
I wooYuruY if ehu y0y ucur colbY mu.
I checked my phone end found e text meeeege which mod hone hone dom hoc
(phone dopiop(
-(woman)Hello? -Hi. Is that Alex?
-Yes. -Erm, Idon¡¯tknow if you remember me...
Myname¡¯sChris.I¡¯mthe guy that came up to you iu the street
suP ushuh you to Puce sec.
Hm, yes.
Would you still be interested?
I mean in meeting up. not necessarily Pacing sac.
-(slowly)Yea. -OK.
You promised to meet me and youdide¡¯t. sad I wea tdiediep:
¡°OK,so Pa toeed eeotder girl.
so, OK, Iwon¡¯ttuckhim.¡±
How many girls were you talking toy
(Chris)Er...
Maybe around 300.
ButI¡¯dgot a massive erection and I was vary dread end I tood a load ot yiegre.
I¡¯dtedee too mesd end I jest wanted to dave sac witd someone.
-Why Viagra? -Wall,it¡¯skind of a long story.
(Chris)I told Alex WI ohoxi my ymdlnm
and about oil the things I¡¯dfound oat worn wrong with too,
ood itdido¡¯tsowo to bothor bar.
(Chris)So just tell me one other... I¡¯vegot one other heestion tor you.
How ho you thieh you urn in reletioeshigsh
You know, today I was writing about tkia. I kasa a... I kasa a kook.
It toroaY oot AIax y0y0 ootobook too. I woao¡¯taoro if thot woa o gooY tlYog or oot.
I was writing about relationships and all that staff.
Off.
-Can I make a photo? -Yeah, yeah.
Thet weekend, we met in the perk fore second Pete.
-Let¡¯sgo swimming. -You really think?
Why not?
And I started to hod out more oboot her.
Come on.
She WO5 ojooroohel from Moscow oob she hod quite o history too.
hho¡¯hhose mordob oob bioorcort
end had even had a three-year reletieeehip with e women,
whichweee¡¯l e bib yreblem fer me.
She elan heb e thing edoot eyylee.
I¡¯venever eaten an apple in my life. Idon¡¯tdelieve in tdem.
Ididn¡¯tknow how things would torn not with dinu, boil roolid lihod hor,
nod lbs morn limo wo sgooi logoihor,
the less I found myself thinking ubeul oil my gruhisms.
(sighs)Well, I geese thshs the seb ut mf, gmjset.
Itdidn¡¯tturn out to be quite as simple as I tboepbt it would be, bet...
Well, it wes brunt to meet so meny ot my ex-pirltrinebs epein.
It¡¯smade me realise that asteally, over the years,
I¡¯vebeee hembed by some really eisa birla.
And it Ihadn¡¯tdone it, I would never have met AIev.
I drodedlywoelde¡¯t dave ended ep in a deepeon
pettiep my bells whipped either, but...
I think it all worked oct OK in the end.
I also saw Vicky again recently.
She¡¯shod her 5u5y, Louis.
He wee e reelly funny little cherecler end eke wee en heggy
Ihel I fennh Iweee¡¯lthinking eheni whet huh gene wrung heiween ne.
And I reeliseb fur the hret time hew luckyI¡¯dbeen le know her
eeb le hece beee Ic lece with hoc
(silence)