>> Announcer: FROM
30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA IN NEW YORK
IT'S "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS."
TONIGHT --
JENNIFER CONNELLY
JAMES VAN DER BEEK
COMEDIAN JOE MANDE
FEATURING THE 8G BAND.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
SETH MEYERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
I'M SETH MEYERS.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, "LATE
NIGHT."
HOW IS EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DOING WELL?
THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT TO HEAR.
SO I HAVE A QUESTION.
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR EVERYBODY
HERE.
DO YOU GUYS LIKE POPE FRANCIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE LOVE THAT GUY HERE.
WELL, POPE FRANCIS AND PRESIDENT
OBAMA MET FOR THE FIRST TIME
TODAY, TOGETHER, AND PRAYED.
THEY PRAYED TOGETHER.
SAID OBAMA, "LORD, PLEASE HELP
ME ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT
CHANGE, WHICH IS EVERYTHING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CURRENTLY, IT'S EVERYTHING.
THAT'S RIGHT, PRESIDENT OBAMA
MET POPE FRANCIS FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
THEY DISCUSSED HOW TO DEAL WITH
EXTREME POVERTY, AS WELL AS SOME
OF THE POPE'S PROBLEMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
TODAY, THE U.N. APPROVED A
RESOLUTION CALLING RUSSIA'S
ANNEXATION OF CRIMEA ILLEGAL.
FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW
WHAT A U.N. RESOLUTION IS, IT'S
ABOUT AS POWERFUL AS A NEGATIVE
YELP REVIEW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO IT'S A BIG DEAL.
IT'S A BIG DEAL.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS A LITTLE TROUBLING.
NEW ESTIMATES CLAIM THAT
AMERICANS HAVE CLOSE TO
$1 TRILLION -- $1 TRILLION IN
STUDENT LOAN DEBT.
SAID AMERICANS "JUST LET IT GO
TO VOICEMAIL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'LL GO TO VOICEMAIL.
THAT'S BETTER.
DO NOT ANSWER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN A SURVEY BY THE DEPARTMENT OF
HOMELAND SECURITY, ONE OUT OF
TEN SECRET SERVICE AGENTS SAID
THEY WERE AWARE OF EXCESSIVE
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION BY THEIR
COLLEAGUES, WHILE THE REST OF
THE AGENTS WERE TOO DRUNK TO
COMPLETE THE SURVEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOU'RE A SURVEY.
I'M A SECRET SERVICE AGENT.
YOU'RE A SURVEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN A STATEMENT THIS MORNING,
PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS HE DOES NOT
THINK THAT THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD
COLLECT CITIZENS PRIVATE PHONE
RECORDS.
HE THEN ADDED, "AT LEAST THAT'S
WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN SAYING IN
ALL THESE PRIVATE PHONE CALLS
WE'VE BEEN COLLECTING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I KNOW YOU BACK ME UP, I
HEARD YOU SAY IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I HEARD YOU ALL SAY IT.
"THE ATLANTIC" MAGAZINE --
THE "ATLANTIC" MAGAZINE IS
REPORTING THAT SQUIRRELS
HIBERNATE SO INTENSELY --
THEY HIBERNATE SO INTENSELY, YOU
COULD JUGGLE THEM AND THEY WOULD
NOT WAKE UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EITHER THAT, OR A REPORTER FROM
"THE ATLANTIC" JUGGLED DEAD
SQUIRRELS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
--AND THEN WROTE A STORY ABOUT
IT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S ALSO VERY LIKELY.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THIS IS INTERESTING IF YOU'RE
FANS OF ACADEMICS.
SKIDMORE COLLEGE IS NOW OFFERING
A CLASS CALLED "THE SOCIOLOGY OF
MILEY CYRUS."
THE WAY THE CLASS WORKS IS IF
YOU SHOW UP ON TIME AND YOU DO
ALL YOUR HOMEWORK, YOU FAIL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, IT'S NOT NORMAL.
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF A NORMAL
CLASS.
THIS IS COOL.
THE U.K. HAS A NEW DATING APP
CALLED DATCH.
DATCH, WHICH IS TOUTING ITSELF
AS A A PINTEREST INSPIRED DATING
SITE BUILT FOR LESBIANS, BY
LESBIANS.
BUT ONE THING'S FOR SURE, IT'S
BUILT REALLY WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S STURDY WITH EXCELLENT
CRAFTSMANSHIP.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS A CUTE STORY.
A DOG -- THIS IS TRUE, BUT A DOG
IN NEBRASKA ACCIDENTALLY DIALED
911 ON HER OWNERS CELL PHONE.
"911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?"
"YES, I JUST SAW A SQUIRREL, AND
I WOULD LOVE TO CHASE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO CATCH
IT, I THINK I MIGHT JUGGLE IT."
[ APPLAUSE ]
I THINK I MIGHT JUGGLE THAT
SQUIRREL.
I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT
THIS.
A BRITISH TECH COMPANY HAS
DEBUTED NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT LETS
CLOTHING STORE MANNEQUINS TALK
ABOUT THE OUTFIT THEY'RE
DISPLAYING.
SAID THE INVENTOR "THE IDEA CAME
TO ME IN A NIGHTMARE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU LIKE MY OUTFIT?
THIS IS JUST CRAZY.
A WOMAN IN ARKANSAS WAS ARRESTED
AFTER A WAITRESS REPORTED HER TO
THE POLICE FOR BREASTFEEDING HER
BABY WHILE DRINKING A BEER.
GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, LADY.
I MEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO BE A
GRANDMOTHER IN LIKE 15 YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND FINALLY, WE LOVE SCIENCE
NEWS HERE.
THERE'S SOME VERY COOL SCIENCE
NEWS, YOU GUYS.
AFTER DISCOVERING A NEW DWARF
PLANET ORBITING THE SUN, BEYOND
PLUTO, SCIENTISTS HAVE NAMED IT
2012 VP113 OR "BIDEN" FOR SHORT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SCIENTISTS SAY THEY CHOSE THE
NAME, BECAUSE THE PLANET, LIKE
BIDEN, IS PRETTY FAR OUT THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 8G
BAND!
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: HOW ARE WE DOING, 8G
BAND?
ARE WE GOOD?
EVERYBODY GOOD?
GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS, AS
ALWAYS.
YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT WE TALKED
ABOUT OUR AFFILIATE MUGS THAT WE
HAVE ON THE SHOW, WHICH IS VERY
EXCITING TO HAVE A DIFFERENT
AFFILIATE EVERY NIGHT.
I GUESS WE HAVE KSBY 6 NEWS
TONIGHT.
THAT'S VERY EXCITING, BUT A LOT
OF PEOPLE HAVE ALSO ASKED ME
ABOUT MY PENCILS.
THEY'VE NOTICED THAT I HAVE MORE
PENCILS THAN YOU COULD NEED FOR
ONE SHOW.
LIKE, I HAVE TO WRITE THE WHOLE
HOUR TO GET THROUGH ALL THESE
PENCILS.
BUT I CAN EXPLAIN WHERE THE
PENCILS ARE FROM IS --
I USED TO BE, I DON'T KNOW IF
PEOPLE REMEMBER THIS, BUT IN
MIDDLE SCHOOL, WHEN I WAS IN
MIDDLE SCHOOL IN THE 80s, THERE
WERE THESE PENCIL MACHINES AND
FOR TWO --
FOR 50 CENTS, TWO QUARTERS, YOU
PUT THEM IN AND YOU SLIDE IT AND
TWO PENCILS WOULD COME OUT, AND
THEY HAVE FOOTBALL TEAMS ON
THEM.
LIKE, THAT'S A LIKE CHICAGO
BEARS PENCIL.
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, THE BEARS ARE ON IT.
SO THE REASON I GOT THESE WAS
PAUL RUDD HOSTED "SNL."
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BEING
FOOTBALL FANS.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CAME
UP WAS, YOU KNOW, WE REMEMBERED
BUYING THESE PENCILS IN THE 80s
AND COLLECTING AND STUFF.
AND WHEN THE SHOW STARTED, I WAS
TRYING TO THINK OF THINGS THAT
WOULD BRING ME COMFORT AT MY
DESK AND I WAS LIKE, "OH I
SHOULD JUST BUY A BUNCH OF THESE
ON EBAY."
I WILL SAY IT MADE A PROBLEM.
I HAD A PROBLEM WHICH IS I
BOUGHT TOO MANY OF THEM ON EBAY,
AND I'VE LEARNED NOW TO HAVE
THEM SHIPPED TO WORK BECAUSE IT
GOT TO THE POINT WHERE MY WIFE
WAS LIKE "WHAT HAS GONE WRONG
WITH YOU?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE WHAT ADULT MAN BUYS THIS
MANY PENCILS?
I WAS LIKE, BASICALLY
JACK NICHOLSON IN "THE SHINING."
LIKE, "I HAVE A LOT OF WRITING
TO DO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO ANYWAYS THOSE ARE MY PENCILS.
I'M VERY EXCITED.
MONDAY, MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO
THE SHOW FOR THE FIRST TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE BEGINNING OF OUR SIXTH WEEK.
I'M SO HAPPY.
MY PARENTS ARE GREAT.
LIKE THEY DID THIS WITH "SNL" AS
WELL.
THEY DON'T LIKE TO COME RIGHT
AWAY.
MY DAD IS VERY, YOU KNOW -- HE
WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "YOU KNOW I'M
GOING TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
COMFORTABLE AND THEN WE'LL COME.
I DON'T WANT TO COME RIGHT AWAY.
I WANT YOU TO FIGURE IT OUT
FIRST."
SO THAT'S VERY NICE OF THEM, AND
I'M VERY EXCITED.
I'M SO EXCITED TO HAVE MY MOM
HERE.
MY MOM IS THE BEST AUDIENCE
MEMBER EVER.
SHE'S LITERALLY LAUGHED AT
EVERYTHING I'VE EVER SAID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY PERSON SHE'S LAUGHED AT
MORE IS MY FATHER.
SHE LAUGHS AT EVERYTHING MY DAD
SAID.
IF MY DAD SAID SOMETHING AND MY
MOM DIDN'T LAUGH AT IT, WE WOULD
JUST TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'RE LIKE, "SOMETHINGS WRONG
WITH OUR MOTHER.
HER BRAIN IS BROKEN BECAUSE SHE
DIDN'T LAUGH AT MY DAD."
THERE WAS ACTUALLY A TIME ON
WEEKEND UPDATE, WHERE THEY WERE
AT THE SHOW.
THEY WERE AT A LIVE "SNL" AND I
TOLD A JOKE ON UPDATE THAT
BOMBED, TOTAL SILENCE, EXCEPT
FOR MY MOM LAUGHING --
[ LAUGHTER ]
--WHICH WAS WORSE THAN TOTAL
SILENCE.
BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE EVERYBODY,
AND THEN THERE'S REALLY PROUD
HAPPY LAUGH.
AND THE MINUTE IT HAPPENED, I
WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOD, MY BROTHER
LIVES IN L.A. WHICH MEANS THREE
HOURS FROM NOW HE'LL SEE IT IN
L.A.
AND HE'LL PICK UP MY MOM'S LAUGH
IMMEDIATELY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SURE ENOUGH, LIKE CLOCKWORK,
THREE HOURS LATER, A TEXT FROM
MY BROTHER BEING LIKE, "WELL, AT
LEAST MOM LIKED IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY DAD IS A CRITICAL EYE.
HE'S A LOT MORE, I'M A LOT MORE
LIKE MY DAD THAN MY MOM.
LIKE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A
CRITICAL EYE AS WELL.
AND YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, ON A
SHOW LIKE THIS, A SHOW LIKE
"SNL," YOU DO A LOT OF STUFF AND
TELL A LOT OF JOKES AND WRITE A
LOT OF SKETCHES.
I'M VERY AWARE THAT NOT ALL OF
THEM WORK.
AND MY DAD, THOUGH, ALWAYS WANTS
TO CHECK TO MAKE SURE I KNEW IT
DIDN'T WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE WAY HE DOES IT IS VERY
SWEET WAY BECAUSE LIKE, AFTER A
SHOW HE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, HOW DO
YOU THINK THAT JOKE WENT?"
AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T THINK IT
WORKED."
HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I
THOUGHT THAT TOO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT'S GREAT BECAUSE --
HE LIKES A LOT OF THE STUFF TOO,
BUT HE HAS TWO THINGS, WHICH IS
EITHER EITHER, LIKE "HEY I LOVE
THAT," OR "HOW DO YOU THINK THAT
ONE WENT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH IS HIS WAY OF BEING LIKE,
"THAT WAS NOT GOOD AT ALL."
BUT I CAN'T WAIT.
MONDAY MY PARENTS WILL BE HERE.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT SO
MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
SHE IS AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNING
ACTRESS STARRING ALONGSIDE
RUSSELL CROWE IN THE NEW FILM
"NOAH."
JENNIFER CONNELLY IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
VERY EXCITED TO TALK TO HER.
FROM THE NEW CBS SERIES "FRIENDS
WITH BETTER LIVES,"
JAMES VAN DER BEEK WILL BE
STOPPING BY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND ALSO, WE'LL HAVE STAND UP
FROM THE VERY FUNNY JOE MANDE.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE "LATE
NIGHT."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: WELCOME BACK TO "LATE
NIGHT," EVERYBODY!
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE SUCH A GOOD
SHOW LINED UP TONIGHT.
WE HAVE GREAT GUESTS.
WE HAVE AN AMAZING COMIC.
BUT BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IT
BEHOOVES ME TO RECOGNIZE SOME
VERY DISTINGUISHED GUESTS IN
TONIGHT'S STUDIO AUDIENCE.
THESE PEOPLE ARE GAME CHANGERS.
THEY ARE BRILLIANT THINKERS.
THEY ARE THE ENGINES THAT MAKE
THIS SOCIETY GREAT.
SO BEFORE WE GET ON WITH THE
SHOW, I'D LIKE TO RECOGNIZE
FORMER SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
DIANE MONTROSE.
JUDGE MONTROSE PASSED THE
DECIDING VOTE IN THE LANDMARK
SUPREME COURT CASE OF
INDIANAPOLIS V. DADS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
INDIANAPOLIS V. DADS, OF COURSE,
STIPULATED THAT ALL DADS ARE
LEGALLY ENTITLED TO ONE NICE
NAUTICA TIE, A REMOTE CONTROL
WHERE YOU PRESS THE POWER BUTTON
AND EVERYTHING WORKS, AND A
WHOLE BAG OF POTATO CHIPS WHEN
THE MASTERS IS ON.
THANK YOU, DIANE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE WORK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
ERIC HURWITZ IS HERE TONIGHT.
ERIC IS THE 23-YEAR-OLD CREATOR
OF THE POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA SITE
QUIMPLE.COM.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
QUIMPLE, AS YOU ALL KNOW, ALLOWS
USERS TO SHARE AND EDIT VIDEOS
OF THEIR FAVORITE BOTTLES OF
CONTACT LENS SOLUTION.
ERIC IS WORTH $4 BILLION.
[ APPLAUSE ]
FOLKS, WE HAVE A NOBEL WINNER IN
LITERATURE HERE TONIGHT.
DENISE ALBERTSON.
WHERE ARE YOU, DENISE?
MS. ALBERTSON IS THE AUTHOR
"THE FALLEN SEASON," WHICH
CONTAINS PERHAPS THE MOST FAMOUS
OPENING LINE IN ALL OF
LITERATURE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'LL JUST READ IT FROM MY OWN
PERSONAL COPY.
"DAVID SWAM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM
OF THE POOL TO FETCH THE
PENNIES, AND THAT'S WHEN HE MET
THE BIGGEST, FATTEST, DUMBEST
MARTIAN HE'D EVER SEEN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
MANY BELIEVE THOSE WORDS ALONE
INSPIRED THE ARAB SPRING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR
WONDERFUL WRITING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NEXT, HE THOUGHT HE COULD ELUDE
MY ATTENTION, BUT I SEE HIM
RIGHT THERE.
FRESH OFF HIS LATEST HEIST,
INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF AND
MASTER OF DISGUISE
PIERRE CHALFONT IS ATTENDANCE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M SURPRISED I EVEN SAW YOU,
CHALFONT.
WELL PLAYED, SIR.
THOUGH I DO WONDER WHY YOU PAID
US A VISIT THIS EVENING.
WHAT ARE YOU PLOTTING AT,
CHALFONT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE COUSIN OF THE FAMED
RECORDING ARTIST SHAKIRA --
DENNIS SHAKIRA IS HERE THIS
EVENING.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
DENNIS WROTE THE SONG "MY HIPS
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO EXAGGERATE,"
THE VIDEO FOR WHICH HAS
407 VIEWS ON YOUTUBE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, THIS IS EXCITING.
IN INVENTORS' ROW TONIGHT, WE
HAVE ERICA FLITT, INVENTOR OF
THE HORSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SITTING NEXT TO HER, WE HAVE
DALE ABACUS, INVENTOR OF THE
ABACUS.
AND SITTING NEXT TO HIM IS
JOHN RUDOLPH PAPERCUP WHO
INVENTED -- YOU GUESSED IT --
THE KAZOO.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I KNOW.
WELL.
LOOK AT THIS.
IF IT ISN'T INTERNATIONAL JEWEL
THIEF PIERRE CHALFONT IN ANOTHER
ONE OF HIS TRADEMARK DISGUISES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
VERY BRILLIANT DISGUISE, SIR,
BUT I CAN TELL --
YOUR SCHEMING, CHALFONT -- YOUR
SMILE SUGGESTS HONESTY, BUT YOUR
EYES -- YOUR EYES PAINT A MUCH
MORE MISCHIEVOUS PICTURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU,
CHALFONT.
PLEASE WELCOME,
DR. HORANCE P. SCHMIDT.
DR. SCHMIDT IS ONE OF THE
LEADING PLASTIC SURGEONS IN THE
COUNTRY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE'S HERE TONIGHT WITH HIS
FAMILY.
HE'S ALSO HERE TONIGHT -- AND
THIS IS SURPRISING -- WITH HIS
SECOND SECRET FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DR. SCHMIDT, YOU BLEW IT, BUDDY.
POORLY PLAYED.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, AND
NEITHER WILL YOU.
GRONDAR, THE MIGHTY SERPENT
SLAYER, IS HERE TONIGHT FOLKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GRONDAR HAS GONE TOE-TO-TOE WITH
A GREAT ANACONDA.
HE'S WRESTLED AND CHARMED THE
MOST RESILIENT OF COBRA.
AND HE'S THE ONLY MAN TO EVER
WRAP HIMSELF AROUND THE
MONSTROUS BURMESE PYTHON AND
SQUEEZE IT TO DEATH.
GRONDAR, COULD YOU PLEASE -- FOR
ALL OF US -- SHOUT OUT YOUR
SIGNATURE SNAKE KILLING
PHRASE -- "TO THE PITS OF HELL,
SERPENT!"
>> TO THE PITS OF HELL,
SERPENT!"
>> Seth: THANK YOU, GRONDAR!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF THERE ARE ANY SNAKES
WATCHING, I'M SURE THEIR BLOOD
WENT COLD.
COLDER THAN IT ALREADY -- YOU
KNOW.
WELL, LOOK AT THIS.
IF IT ISN'T BELOVED ACTOR
JAMES VAN DER BEEK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JAMES, OF COURSE, WAS THE STAR
OF THE LONG RUNNING TELEVISION
SERIES DAW --
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S NOT JAMES VAN DER BEEK.
THAT'S INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THEIF
AND MASTER OF DISGUISE,
PIERRE CHALFONT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I AM IN AWE OF YOUR POWERS OF
OSTENTATION, SIR.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU AT -- WHAT IS
YOUR END GAME HERE?
AH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY DIAMONDS!
YOU'VE STOLEN MY DIAMONDS!
DAMN YOU, CHALFONT!
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST -- IN OUR
PRESENCE, WE HAVE QUITE THE
SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE.
179 ESCAPED CONVICTS FROM
SING-SING CORRECTIONAL FACILITY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANKS TO ALL OF TONIGHT'S
DISTINGUISHED GUESTS FOR
ATTENDING THE SHOW, EXCEPT FOR
YOU, PIERRE CHALFONT.
CURSE YOU, CHALFONT!
[ APPLAUSE ]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JENNIFER CONNELLY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: WELCOME BACK TO
"LATE NIGHT", EVERYONE.
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACADEMY
AWARD WINNING ACTRESS WHO
STARRED IN SUCH ACCLAIMED FILMS
AS "A BEAUTIFUL MIND" AND
"REQUIEM FROM A DREAM."
HER LATEST FILM, "NOAH", OPENS
IN THEATERS NATIONWIDE ON
FRIDAY.
PLEASE WELCOME
JENNIFER CONNELLY.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI.
>> Seth: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
MAKING IT OVER.
>> OH, IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE
HERE.
>> Seth: IT'S A SHORT TRIP
THOUGH.
YOU LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK,
RIGHT?
>> I DO.
>> Seth: AND YOU'VE LIVED HERE
ALMOST YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
>> I AM BORN AND RAISED IN
NEW YORK CITY, YEAH.
>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
BUT YOU MADE --
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A FAMILY?
AND YOU HAVE WHAT, THREE KIDS?
>> WE HAVE THREE KIDS, YES.
>> Seth: AND YOU WERE IN
BROOKLYN, AND THEN YOU MOVED
BACK TO MANHATTAN.
LIKE, THAT SEEMS LIKE THE
OPPOSITE DIRECTION THAT PEOPLE
WITH FAMILIES USUALLY GO.
>> YEAH, WE'VE DONE A LITTLE
TO-ING AND FRO-ING.
I GREW UP IN BROOKLYN, I LIVED
IN MANHATTAN.
WENT BACK TO BROOKLYN, BUT WE
UM --
WE HAD THE GOOD FORTUNE OF
LIVING IN A TOWNHOUSE IN
BROOKLYN, WHICH WAS AMAZING.
BUT WE WERE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM
ALL OF THE TIME.
LIKE, ON THE SAME COUCH ALL OF
THE TIME AND IT WAS A HUGE WASTE
OF SPACE.
SO WE THOUGHT "WE'LL LETS GET
ONE BIG ROOM."
>> Seth: THAT SEEMS LIKE A VERY
NICE COMMENT ABOUT THE KIND OF
PARENTS YOU MUST BE IF YOUR KIDS
WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH TIME
WITH YOU.
>> SO FAR, SO GOOD.
THEY STILL HANG OUT WITH US.
>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
>> YOU KNOW, MY OLDEST IS 16 AND
HE STILL, UH --
HE STILL LIKES HANGING OUT AND
SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH US.
WE HAVE TWO MORE KIDS WHO ARE
NOT YET TEENAGERS, AND WE'LL SEE
HOW THAT GOES.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
SO THEY DON'T AT SOME POINT IN
THEIR LIFE YOU GO, "OH, WAIT,
THERE'S COOLER STUFF GOING ON."
>> YEAH.
AND I'M HOPING THAT I CAN KEEP
THEM SEPARATE FROM THE REST OF
SOCIETY, AND MAYBE THEY'LL NEVER
UNDERSTAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
>> NO, NO, NO.
I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING, REALLY.
>> Seth: SO, BUT THEN YOU --
YOU SEEM TO BE, LIKE, ONE OF THE
COOLER MOMS OUT THERE, BECAUSE
YOU'RE VERY ACTIVE WITH YOUR
KIDS.
YOU TOOK, LIKE, A BIG TRIP THIS
SUMMER?
>> YEAH, I, UH, I LOVE --
I LOVE BEING IN THE MOUNTAINS
AND DOING ACTIVE STUFF WITH THE
KIDS.
WE HAD AN AMAZING ROAD TRIP THIS
SUMMER, ACTUALLY.
MY HUSBAND, PAUL, WAS WORKING IN
NEW MEXICO AND SO I THOUGHT,
"WELL, I'LL TAKE THE KIDS ON A
TRIP.
WE'LL DRIVE AROUND KIND OF
WESTERN STATES."
AND WE WENT TO ASPEN, COLORADO
AND HIKING.
WE WENT TO MOAB AND DID SOME
MOUNTAIN BIKING.
UM, WE WENT TO ZION NATIONAL
PARK, WHICH WAS INCREDIBLE.
BUT IT'S A LOT OF
RESPONSIBILITY, TOO.
YOU KNOW, I FOUND BEING THE ONLY
PARENT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE KIDS
DOING THIS, LIKE, STUFF -- THESE
ADVENTURES.
>> Seth: YEAH, YOU'RE IN THE
GREAT OUTDOORS.
>> IN THE DESERT, YOU KNOW, WITH
THE MOUNTAIN BIKES, AND OUT FOR
HOURS.
AND ONE HIKE IN PARTICULAR, IN
ZION, THIS HIKE CALLED ANGELS
LANDING.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU EVER
HEARD OF --
ANY HIKERS OUT THERE HEARD OF
THIS HIKE?
[ APPLAUSE ]
THANKS FOR HUMORING ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: I'M GOING TO TALK TO
YOU GUYS AFTER THE SHOW, AND YOU
BETTER BE GENUINE.
>> IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU DO LIKE
THAT STRENUOUS PUSH OF THE HIKE,
AND THEN YOU GET TO THE TOP.
AND THE THING THAT'S REALLY
SPECIAL ABOUT THIS HIKE IS YOU
GO ALONG, LIKE, TO THE
PRECIPICE, YOU DO SORT OF THE
GRUNT WORK, AND THE PRECIPICE IS
LIKE A KNIFE EDGE.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON THE TOP OF A
RIDGE, AND IT'S JUST A DROP OFF
EITHER SIDE, RIGHT?
AND IT'S SPECTACULAR.
AND PEOPLE COME FROM ALL OVER
THE WORLD TO DO THIS HIKE.
SO WE DO ALL THE DRUDGERY, LIKE,
SIX MILES UP, AND IT'S HOT, AND
IT'S IN THE DESERT, IT'S
100 DEGREES.
THE KIDS WERE AMAZING.
WE WERE THERE A 6:00 IN THE
MORNING.
WE FINALLY GET TO THE BEGINNING
OF LIKE THE REALLY COOL, STUFF,
YOU KNOW, SCARY STUFF.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
>> AND I STARTED OUT, AND
THERE'S LIKE --
THERE'S CHAIN THAT YOU CAN HOLD
ON TO, AND THEN IT'S A 45 DEGREE
ANGLE ROCK AND THAT JUST SLIPS
DOWN LIKE THIS!
>> Seth: YEAH.
>> AND IT'S THOUSANDS OF FEET
DOWN, AND IT'S JUST ME WITH THE
KIDS.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
>> AND I'M THINKING "THIS IS THE
MOST IRRESPONSIBLE THING I HAVE
EVER DONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND THE KIDS ARE LOOKING AT
ME LIKE "THIS IS SO COOL, MOM.
YOU'RE THE BEST MOM EVER."
AND I'M SHAKING.
>> Seth: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY
NIGHTMARE.
>> I'M SHAKING LIKE YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE.
AND I WAS LIKE OH, MY --
I HAVE TO GO BACK.
I HAVE TO SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE
AND BREATHE, RIGHT.
SO WE SIT DOWN, AND ALL OF THESE
OTHER FAMILIES BLOW BY US.
WE'RE IN OUR LIKE TECHY SHOES
AND STUFF, THEY'VE GOT KEDS ON.
THEY'RE RUNNING BY.
AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I'VE GONE
FROM THIS REALLY COOL MOM TO
JUST LIKE THE MOST GEEKY GOOBER
MOM IN THE WORLD, RIGHT?
>> Seth: I WANT --
YEAH, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING IF
THERE'S LIKE ANY PHYSICAL RISK
WITH MY FAMILY.
'CAUSE MY DAD WANTED TO GO ON
LIKE A HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE,
WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING.
BUT I WOULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE I
WAS LIKE --
IF WE LIKE, DIED IN A HOT AIR
BALLOON, I WOULDN'T BE UPSET
ABOUT DYING.
I'D BE UPSET THAT THE WHOLE WAY
DOWN, MY PARENTS WOULD BE
BICKERING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: LIKE MY MOM WOULD BE
LIKE "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED TO
DO."
AND HE WAS LIKE "WHY CAN'T WE
EVER DO ANYTHING INTERESTING?"
SO, LIKE, THAT WOULD BE MY FEAR.
THAT'S WHY IF I EVER DO ANYTHING
RISKY --
>> BET YOU'RE HAVING FUN NOW.
YEAH.
>> Seth: DO THEY OFTEN --
DO YOUR TRIPS OFTEN GO BADLY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW
IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE YOU PLAN
AHEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: LIKE "ANGEL'S LANDING,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SOFT
LANDING."
>> THANKS, THANKS, YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THE NEXT DAY, ON
THAT --
AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE I
DID TRY AGAIN, AND I GOT A
LITTLE FURTHER, BUT TURNED
BACK --
>> Seth: SO YOU NEVER MADE IT
THROUGH?
>> NO, WE NEVER MADE IT, BUT WE
DID A REALLY AMAZING HIKE THE
NEXT DAY.
THAT WAS GREAT.
UM, YEAH, YOU KNOW, USUALLY THEY
END WELL.
I HAD ANOTHER ONE WITH MY SON,
KAI, WHERE I THOUGHT WE'RE GOING
TO GO FOR A MULTIDAY BACKPACKING
TRIP.
>> Seth: GOT YOU.
>> AND, UH, IT WAS THE FIRST
TIME I'D DONE THAT.
WHERE, YOU KNOW, I'M CARRYING --
WELL, HE WAS HELPING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, ALL THE FOOD FOR
THREE DAYS, AND THE CLOTHES, AND
THE TENTS, AND THAT STOVE, AND
YOU HAVE TO COOK THE MEAL.
IT'S LIKE INTENSE.
UH, IT STARTED OFF PRETTY WELL,
BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE
A LITTLE SMOOTHER.
BECAUSE THAT ONE WAS IN
CALIFORNIA, AND I THOUGHT "THIS
IS GREAT, I'M USED TO EAST COAST
BACKPACKING."
>> Seth: MM-HMM.
>> WHERE IT'S OFTEN COLD AND
RAINY.
I THOUGHT, "CALIFORNIA, WE DON'T
EVEN NEED TO BRING OUR RAIN
JACKETS."
>> Seth: PERFECT.
>> HAIL.
HAIL.
AND AN HOUR INTO THE HIKE, AND
IT WAS HAILING.
IT WAS CRAZY.
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING.
>> Seth: THAT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL.
DO YOUR KIDS, ARE THEY EVER
LIKE --
DO THEY REACH THE POINT WHERE
THEY'RE LIKE "HAVE YOU LIKE GONE
ON GOOGLE, MOM?
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT LIKE
WEATHER.COM?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE YOU KEEP THINKING THAT
ALL THIS STUFF'S GONNA GO SUPER
WELL AND IT JUST FEELS LIKE
MAYBE WE COULD --
>> I LIKE TO BE AN OPTIMIST, YOU
KNOW.
NO, I THINK I'M REASONABLY
PREPARED.
I HAD RAIN JACKETS AND
EVERYTHING.
>> Seth: THAT'S GOOD.
>> THANKS.
>> Seth: NOW, YOU -- SPEAKING OF
INCLEMENT WEATHER, YOU'RE IN THE
FILM "NOAH."
>> YEAH, NICE SEGUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: THIS IS --
SO YOU PLAY NOAH'S WIFE.
>> I DO INDEED.
>> Seth: NAAMEH?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
BUT SHE'S NOT --
THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER THAT IS
WRITTEN ABOUT MUCH IN THE BIBLE.
>> WELL, WHEN YOU READ GENESIS,
YOU KNOW THAT NOAH HAS A WIFE,
BUT SHE ISN'T NAMED.
AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW MUCH
OF ANYTHING ABOUT HER.
>> Seth: I LIKE THAT SHE'S NOT
NAMED AND YOU GUYS CAME UP WITH
"NAAMEH."
IT'S LIKE "WHAT SHOULD WE CALL
HER?"
"NAME?
NO, THAT'S TOO OBVIOUS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"HOW 'BOUT NAAMEH?"
SO THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU TO
RESEARCH, REALLY?
>> UH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
FORTUNATELY DARREN ARONOFSKY --
WHO WROTE MOST OF THE SCRIPT
WITH ARI HANDEL -- DID MOST OF
THE HEAVY LIFTING AND THEY WROTE
THE PART.
AND I THINK THEY WROTE HER AS A
VERY --
AS A REALLY STRONG AND AMAZING
WOMAN.
YOU KNOW, SHE IS VERY DEVOTED TO
HER HUSBAND, BUT MORE THAN
ANYTHING I THINK SHE'S DEFINED
BY A VERY FIERCE AND PROFOUND
MATERNAL LOVE.
>> Seth: MM-HMM.
>> AND SHE HAS GREAT STRENGTH.
>> Seth: THIS SEEMS LIKE, BASED
ON EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT
THE STUFF YOU DO WITH YOUR KIDS,
IT SEEMS LIKE YOU WERE PERFECT
FOR THIS PART.
JUST, LIKE, LOVING YOUR KIDS AND
BEING IN TERRIBLE SITUATIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OFTEN WEATHER RELATED.
AND YOU GUYS SHOT IN ICELAND,
RIGHT?
>> WE DID, YEAH.
WE STARTED --
WE FILMED IN NEW YORK, IN A, UH,
IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARK, THEY
BUILT AN ENORMOUS ARK.
WHICH WAS PRETTY EXTRAORDINARY.
AND ALSO, WE FILMED IN ICELAND,
A LOT OF THE EXTERIORS OVER THE
SUMMER.
>> Seth: THE FILM LOOKS
BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S FASCINATING TO KNOW THAT'S
WHERE IT'S FILMED.
WE HAVE A CLIP, DO YOU WANT TO
SET IT UP FOR US?
>> UH, THE CLIP IS --
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CERTAIN POINT
IN THE FILM, I THINK NOAH'S
CHARACTER AND I START TO --
IS THIS FUNNY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS THEY THOUGHT --
>> I GUESS THIS IS FUNNY.
OKAY.
>> Seth: I THINK THEY'RE LIKE
DON'T SPOIL IT.
NO SPOILERS.
>> OKAY, I'M, OKAY.
IT'S ME AND RUSSELL CROWE IN A
SCENE FROM "NOAH."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Seth: LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD
NOT DO, GOOD OR BAD, TO THOSE
THREE BOYS?
WE WILL BOTH CHOOSE TO KILL IN
ORDER TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN.
>> YES.
>> WE'RE NOT DIFFERENT.
>> THEY ARE CHILDREN.
THEY'RE OUR CHILDREN, NOAH!
HAVE YOU NO MERCY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: RIGHT AFTER THAT --
I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE.
RIGHT AFTER THAT, HE TURNS
AROUND AND HE GOES "YOU WERE THE
ONE THAT TOOK THEM TO ANGEL'S
LANDING!"
>> SORRY, NOAH.
SORRY.
>> Seth: "NOAH" OPENS IN
THEATERS NATIONWIDE ON FRIDAY.
JENNIFER CONNELLY, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JAMES VAN DER BEEK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: WELCOME BACK TO
"LATE NIGHT", EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST, ONE OF THE STARS
OF THE NEW CBS COMEDY "FRIENDS
WITH BETTER LIVES."
THE SERIES PREMIRES ON MONDAY,
MARCH 31st.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> EITHER TURN THE TV UP OR TURN
THE BREAST PUMP DOWN.
>> I DON'T EVEN HEAR IT ANY
MORE.
>> YOU KNOW, THE FACT THAT I'M
COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DO THIS IN
FRONT OF YOU MEANS YOU'VE BEEN
LIVING HERE A LONG TIME.
>> WOW, THAT ONE FILLED UP FAST.
WHAT'S UP WITH LEFTY?
>> Seth: PLEASE WELCOME
JAMES VAN DER BEEK!
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Seth: AND CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAD YOUR THIRD CHILD TWO
MONTHS AGO?
>> YES, I DID.
VDB NUMBER THREE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, THANK YOU.
>> Seth: HOW SO OLD ARE THE
OTHER TWO?
>> OLIVIA'S THREE AND A HALF,
JOSHUA'S TWO, AND ANNABEL IS TWO
MONTHS.
>> Seth: AND HOW DO THE THREE
AND HALF AND THE TWO TREAT THE
TWO-MONTHER?
>> THEY LOVE HER.
THEY LOVE HER.
YEAH, OLIVIA SAYS, REFERS TO HER
AS "MY BABY ANNABEL."
>> Seth: THAT'S REALLY CUTE.
>> WHICH IS GREAT.
MY SON JOSHUA KEEPS GOING "HOLD
IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT."
WHICH, IS VERY SWEET, BUT MOST
THINGS THAT HE HOLDS END UP
GETTING THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
>> SO WE --
YEAH, WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK THE
NEW ONE.
>> Seth: RIGHT, THAT'S VERY
SMART.
>> SO WE DON'T LET HIM WALK
AROUND WITH HER.
>> Seth: AND, EVENTUALLY, YOU'LL
LET HIM HOLD IT.
>> EVENTUALLY, YEAH.
>> Seth: HE HAS TO TREAT OTHER
THINGS NICELY FIRST.
>> YEAH, ONCE HE STOPS THROWING
HIS TRAINS ACROSS THE ROOM, THEN
WE CAN SEE HOW HE HOLDS IT.
>> Seth: YEAH.
SO THIS NEW SHOW, "FRIENDS WITH
BETTER LIVES," IT STARTS, I
GUESS, ON MONDAY, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, MONDAY.
>> Seth: AND, SO TELL US ABOUT
THE SHOW.
>> IT IS A CBS MULTI-CAMERA
SITCOM, FILMED IN FRONT OF A
LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
UM, IT'S SIX FRIENDS, SIX
ADULTS, GOING THROUGH LIFE.
NEW CONCEPT, NEVER BEEN TRIED
BEFORE.
>> Seth: NEVER BEEN TRIED ON
TELEVISION?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TOTALLY --
>> Seth: SO SLOW DOWN, SIX
FRIENDS.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S TOUGH TO WRAP YOUR MIND
AROUND IT, BUT JUST LET ME --
LET ME EXPLAIN IT SLOWLY.
IT'S VERY HIGH CONCEPT.
>> Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT?
PEOPLE LIKE FRIENDS.
THERE IS A REASON, LIKE --
THEY ACTUALLY LIKE HUMAN
FRIENDS, I DON'T MEAN THE SHOW.
BUT THEY LIKE FRIENDS.
PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH FRIENDS.
>> HUMANS, I'M TOLD, ENJOY
FRIENDSHIP.
>> Seth: THEY DO ENJOY
FRIENDSHIP.
>> YES.
>> Seth: AND NOW THIS IS YOUR
SECOND COMEDY IN A ROW.
FOR A LONG TIME, PEOPLE DIDN'T
KNOW YOU FOR COMEDY.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
ENJOY IT?
>> I LOVE LAUGHING INSTEAD OF
CRYING AT WORK.
>> Seth: YEAH, YOU DID A LOT OF
CRYING.
>> I DID A LOT OF CRYING.
>> Seth SO HOW OLD WERE YOU FOR
THE RUN OF "DAWSON'S CREEK"?
>> I WAS 20 WHEN I GOT THE GIG,
PLAYING 15.
AND THEN I WAS 24 WHEN MY
CHARACTER LOST HIS VIRGINITY.
>> Seth: GOT YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND, YEAH.
>> Seth: THAT'S WHY YOU WERE
CRYING A LOT.
THAT'S A LOT.
24.
>> YEAH, THAT'LL DO IT.
THAT'LL DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE
IN "DON'T TRUST THE B IN
APARTMENT 23."
[ APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHOW.
YOU SORT OF MADE FUN, YOU HAD A
VERY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT
YOURSELF.
YOU PLAYED YOURSELF, A
FICTIONALIZED VERSION OF
YOURSELF, OF COURSE.
>> YES.
>> Seth: BUT YOU HAD A LOT OF
FUN WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WERE
A TEEN IDOL.
DID YOU PULL A LOT OF --
WHEN THE WRITERS, DID THEY PULL
YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES INTO IT.
>> WE DID.
WE USED SOME OF THE STUFF.
I ACTUALLY DID GET OFFERED
"DANCING WITH THE STARS" AT ONE
POINT.
>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
>> WHICH IS A WAKE UP CALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: DID YOU JUST SLOWLY PUT
THE PHONE DOWN?
"I'LL GET BACK TO YOU" AND
YOU'RE JUST LIKE --
>> IT'S TOUGH TO BE PRECIOUS
ABOUT YOUR CAREER WHEN YOU GET
THAT OFFER.
>> Seth: RIGHT, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Seth: BUT YOU'RE NOT PRECIOUS
ABOUT YOUR CAREER AT ALL.
IT WAS SO FUN TO WATCH YOU --
WAS THERE ANYTHING THAT EVER
HAPPENED IN YOUR
"DAWSON'S CREEK" DAYS THAT YOU
DIDN'T GET ON THE SHOW?
>> UH, THERE WAS ONE WHERE WE
HAD TALKED ABOUT SOME OF THE
WEIRD STALKERS THAT I HAD >>
Seth: SO YOU DID HAVE STALKERS
BACK --
>> YEAH.
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE JUST NORMAL
PEOPLE STALKERS.
>> Seth: I WOULD ASSUME YOU'D
HAVE A LOT OF LIKE, TEEN GIRL
STALKERS.
>> WELL, THE ONE --
MY FAVORITE WAS THIS OLDER GUY.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
>> WHO WOULD MAKE ME MIXTAPES.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
>> WHICH WERE COMPRISED OF SONGS
FROM SHOWS THAT I HAD ACTUALLY
BEEN IN, FROM THE SOUNDTRACKS.
AND HE WOULD COME TO WILMINGTON,
WHERE WE SHOT "DAWSON'S CREEK",
EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY TO TRY
TO GIVE ME A BIRTHDAY CARD.
SO EVERY YEAR, MY BIRTHDAY WAS
LIKE TRYING TO AVOID THIS GUY.
AND THEY PUT A POLICEMAN TO
FOLLOW HIM ONE DAY.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO
CHECK OUT --
THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
>> Seth: RIGHT.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DEALING WITH
SOMEBODY WHO HAS LIKE ASSASSIN
OR NINJA SKILLS, YOU WANT TO
MAKE SURE --
>> EXACTLY!
>> Seth: SO WHAT DID YOU FIND
OUT?
>> AND I SAID "THIS GUY COULD BE
A NINJA."
>> Seth: HE COULD BE A NINJA.
OR YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> WE DON'T KNOW.
>> Seth: UNTIL YOU FOLLOW THEM.
>> YOU JUST DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU
PUT A RETIRED COP ON SET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO THE COP COMES BACK TO SET,
AND I SAY TO HIM "WHAT'S HE
LIKE?
I MEAN, IS HE A NINJA?
WHAT'S THE DEAL?"
AND THE GUY, THE COP, GOES
"WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY --
I WATCHED HIM ATTEMPT TO PUT HIS
MOTEL 8 KEY INTO HIS RENTAL CAR
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT
THERE --
>> THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> Seth: YEAH, DO YOU HAVE A
MOMENT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE "AW, I
WISH I HAD A BETTER STALKER?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, I HAVE HIGHER EXPECTATIONS
FOR MY STALKERS.
>> LIKE, WHAT KIND OF CAR WAS
IT?
WAS IT AT LEAST AN EXPENSIVE
RENTAL CAR?
>> Seth: THAT'S GREAT.
AND IT IS -- YOU DID DO -- YOU
WERE ONE OF THE MOST EMOTIONAL
CHARACTERS ON TELEVISION FOR A
REALLY LONG TIME, SO I JUST WANT
TO SAY THAT I ALSO ENJOY SEEING
YOU LAUGH AND SMILE MORE.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> Seth: NOW I WANT TO BRING
THIS UP BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T
HERE, BUT ONE OF MY FRIENDS,
MIKE BIRBIGLIA --
>> YES.
>> Seth: -- IS A STAND UP COMIC,
HE CAME ON OUR SHOW IN THE EARLY
PART OF THE SHOW.
AND HE TOLD A STORY ON THIS SHOW
ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE WAS ON
"CARSON DALY" YEARS AGO, IN THIS
SAME BUILDING.
YOU WERE THE GUEST, AND HE WAS
VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE FACT THAT
YOU WERE THE OTHER GUEST ON THE
SHOW HE WAS ON, BECAUSE A LOT OF
PEOPLE HAD TOLD HIM THAT YOU
GUYS LOOKED ALIKE.
>> YES, YES.
>> Seth: DO WE HAVE THAT PHOTO
OF THE TWO OF THEM NEXT TO EACH
OTHER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW IF I AGREE WITH
MIKE.
>> I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE GUY TRYING TO PUT THE RENTAL
KEY --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY --
>> IT LOOKS LIKE THAT MIGHT HAVE
BEEN HIM.
>> Seth: BUT HERE, REAL QUICK,
WE'LL LET MIKE MAKE HIS CASE
REAL QUICK.
>> THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING
THAT WE'RE BOTH ON THIS SHOW
TOGETHER.
BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING
ME THAT I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU.
AND THE BEEK, THE BEEK --
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE BEEK GAVE ME A LOOK OF
JUDGMENT THAT I WISH UPON NONE
OF YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: SO THIS --
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?
>> OKAY, SO I'M ON TWITTER ONE
NIGHT, AND I SEE PEOPLE TAGGING
YOU AND TAGGING ME AND SAYING
"@BIRBIGS LOOKS JUST LIKE
@VANDERJAMES."
AND I'M THINKING, FIRST OF ALL,
LOOKS JUST LIKE ME?
WHO IS @BIRBIGS, FOR ONE.
AND NUMBER TWO, HOW DID HE GET
SO LUCKY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: RIGHT, RIGHT.
OF COURSE.
THIS SHOULD ONLY HAPPEN ONCE IN
A LIFETIME.
>> RIGHT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
SO I LOOK AT THE PICTURE AND
WATCH THE CLIP, AND HE TELLS
THIS REALLY FUNNY STORY.
>> Seth: SUPER FUNNY.
>> THAT'S A REALLY WELL TOLD
STORY.
IT NEVER HAPPENED, BECAUSE I
NEVER DID "LAST CALL WITH
CARSON DALY" WITH THE AUDIENCE
IN THIS BUILDING.
LIKE, I'VE DONE EVERY CARSON
DALY SHOW --
I DID THE TRL WITH CARSON DALY.
>> Seth: SURE.
>> 'CAUSE I'M THAT OLD.
AND I'VE DONE THE YOU SIT IN A
BAR AND YOU TALK WITH
CARSON DALY ON NOBODY KNOWS WHEN
IT'S ON, BUT IT'S ON SOMETIME --
>> Seth: YEP.
NEXT.
IT'S ON NEXT.
>> IT'S ON NEXT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
STAY TUNED FOR CARSON DALY NEXT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: THIS IS A GREAT TIE IN.
THE NETWORK'S GONNA BE REALLY
HAPPY.
>> IT'S REALLY ON NEXT?
>> Seth: IT'S REALLY ON NEXT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I HAVE KIDS.
>> Seth: YEAH, I GET IT, LOOK.
>> I MEAN, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: I JUST, YOU KNOW, I
FELT LIKE I HAD TO BRING IT UP.
BUT YOU SAY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
YOU SAID THE BIRBIGLIA STORY
NEVER HAPPENED.
>> IT NEVER HAPPENED, 'CAUSE I
NEVER, I'D NEVER DONE THIS.
SO, YOU KNOW, I PUT A FACEBOOK
POST OUT LIKE "HEY, GREAT STORY,
HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF HAVING
DONE THE SHOW, BUT WELL TOLD."
AND THEN I WAKE UP AT 2:00 IN
THE MORNING, FROZEN WITH FEAR
WITH THIS RECOLLECTION THAT I
ACTUALLY HAD DONE CARSON DALY IN
THIS BUILDING.
>> Seth: SO IT IS TRUE.
>> SO I CALLED HIM OUT FACEBOOK
AND TWITTER, JUST TO REALLY
COVER MY BASES.
AND THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT HE
WAS ACTUALLY TELLING THE TRUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: WELL, I'M VERY EXCITED
TO SAY WE HAVE PROVIDED AN
OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE
TO MIKE BIRBIGLIA IN PERSON.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MIKE BIRBIGLIA.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: COME ON DOWN.
LET HIM --
I THINK WE NEED TO SEE, BECAUSE
THIS IS UNCANNY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, THIS IS UNCANNY.
LOOK AT THEM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
TWO -- TWO OF THEM.
WE HAVE TWO VAN DER BEEKS.
>> I THINK THERE IS --
I DON'T SEE IT AS MUCH ANYWHERE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
"FRIENDS WITH BETTER LIVES"
PREMIERES MONDAY, MARCH 31st AT
9 P.M. ON CBS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
COMEDIAN JOE MANDE!
JAMES VAN DER BEEK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY
COMEDIAN.
HIS STAND-UP MIXTAPE, "BITCH
FACE," IS AVAILABLE NOW ON
iTUNES.
PLEASE WELCOME JOE MANDE.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I FEEL VERY HASHTAG BLESSED TO
BE HERE THIS EVENING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I'M A BIG FAN OF RAP MUSIC.
IN FACT, I JUST SAW A
KENDRICK LAMAR CONCERT THE OTHER
NIGHT.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW HIM?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY, YOU DO HIM.
UH -- KENDRICK LAMAR DOES A
THING THAT I REALLY ENJOY IN HIS
CONCERTS WHERE HE'S CONSTANTLY
GAUGING THE ENERGY IN THE CROWD,
YOU KNOW?
THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.
HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, I
WANT TO SEE WHICH SIDE IS MORE
ALIVE!"
HE'S MORE CHARISMATIC, BUT
THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE SPLITS THE CROWD IN HALF,
AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
LEFT SIDE, MAKE SOME NOISE!"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY LIVE.
OKAY.
NOW, UH -- RIGHT SIDE, MAKE SOME
NOISE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND HE'S LIKE, "YES, ALSO, OR
WHATEVER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE THING ABOUT KENDRICK LAMAR
IS HE DID THAT LIKE 37 TIMES.
IT WAS CRAZY.
LIKE, HE WOULD DO IT BEFORE
SONGS, AFTER SONGS.
SOMETIMES HE WOULD STOP A SONG
AND DO A TEST.
AND THEN WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER,
HE JUST RAN OFF STAGE WITHOUT
SAYING WHICH SIDE WON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LIKE TO IMAGINE THAT
KENDRICK LAMAR IS JUST, LIKE, SO
EXCITED ABOUT CROWD ENERGY THAT
WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER, HE CAN'T
CONTAIN HIMSELF AND HE RUNS
OFFSTAGE, OUT OF THE STADIUM,
INTO HIS TOUR BUS -- THE INSIDE
OF WHICH IS JUST COVERED IN
GRAPH PAPER, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE GRABS THE -- A PENCIL AND
HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, MARCH 27th,
2014.
NEW YORK CITY.
THE RIGHT SIDE WAS THE LIVER
SIDE."
YOU KNOW.
HE'S CONNECTING DATES WITH RED
STRINGS THROUGHOUT THE BUS.
LIKE A LUNATIC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE PERFORMING.
IT'S JUST THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS
HOW TO COLLECT DATA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES A COUPLE
YEARS AGO, AND IF THERE'S ONE
THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT
CALIFORNIA, IT'S THE WEED IS TOO
STRONG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TOO STRONG.
CAN'T HANDLE IT.
EVERYONE IN LOS ANGELES SMOKES
MEDICAL MARIJUANA.
AND UH -- LOOK, THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN I DO IT WITH THEM.
30 SECONDS GO BY, AND I LOSE MY
MIND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOSE MY MIND.
MY VISION GETS ALL CHOPPY, LIKE
I'M WATCHING ANIME, AND I
STRAIGHT UP FORGET HOW TO
BREATHE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR REAL, I'LL BE AT A PARTY IN
A CORNER TALKING TO MYSELF, AND
I'M LIKE, "WAIT, WHICH ONE IS
IT?
IS IT IN MY NOSE AND OUT MY
MOUTH, OR IN MY MOUTH AND OUT MY
NOSE?"
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
I'M JUST GOING TO PLAY IT SAFE
AND NOT DO EITHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WHENEVER I'M LIKE THAT, I
START THINKING, WELL, WHY DO I
FEEL THIS WAY?
LIKE, WHY AM I SO CRAZY?
WHY AM I SO OUT OF CONTROL?
AND THEN I REMEMBER.
I'M LIKE, OH, RIGHT.
I JUST TOOK CANCER MEDICINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR FUN.
THAT'S WHAT I -- YEAH.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
THANK YOU FOR APPLAUDING THAT.
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD BE IN A
HOSPITAL BED SOMEWHERE WITH
CANCER, AND INSTEAD I'M JUST
TRYING NOT TO CRY AT A
NEW EDITION CONCERT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I USED TO LOVE SMOKING WEED,
MAN.
ONE TIME IN COLLEGE -- THIS IS
TRUE -- I GOT SO HIGH ONCE THAT
I GOT HIRED AS AN INTERN AT "THE
MAURY POVICH SHOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I APPLIED.
JUST GOT A CALL ONE MORNING FROM
THIS WOMAN.
SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY, JOE.
I GOT YOUR EMAIL LAST NIGHT
AT -- 3:30 AM.
UH -- YOUR RESUME LOOKS GREAT.
YOU'RE HIRED."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, TIGHT.
WAIT, WHERE?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE WAS LIKE, "THE MAURY SHOW"
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, DIP!
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
I ACCEPT THIS JOB."
[ LAUGHTER ]
TWO WEEKS LATER, I WAS AT
"THE MAURY SHOW" AS AN INTERN.
I ASSUME EVERYONE HERE HAS SEEN
"THE MAURY SHOW," RIGHT?
IT'S -- YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PROBABLY THE GREATEST THING
AMERICA'S EVER PRODUCED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVERY EPISODE OF "MAURY" ENDS
THE SAME WAY, RIGHT?
HE REVEALS WHO THE FATHER IS,
AND THEN A GRAPHIC COMES ON THE
SCREEN.
AND THE GRAPHIC ALWAYS SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE, UM -- DO YOU
HAVE AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND?
AND DOES HE NEED A MAKEOVER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, IF SO, CALL 1-800-MAURY OR
WHATEVER.
1-800-MAURY.
YEAH, THAT WAS MY JOB.
I ANSWERED THAT TELEPHONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR NINE HOURS A DAY.
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE IT
WAS ALWAYS THE SAME PHONE CALL.
LIKE, THE PHONE WOULD RING.
I'D PICK IT UP.
I SAY, "HELLO, 'MAURY SHOW,' HOW
CAN I HELP YOU?"
WOMAN ON THE OTHER END WOULD BE
LIKE, "HEY, MAURY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW.
AND I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, HI.
I'M MAURY POVICH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"CONNIE CHUNG IS MY WIFE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOMAN WOULD BE, LIKE, UNFAZED.
SHE'D BE LIKE, "SO, MAURY, TELL
ME.
UH -- ARE YOU ALL THE ONES THAT
DO THE MATERNITY TESTS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'D BE LIKE, "UH -- NO,
WE'RE NOT.
WE DO PATERNITY TESTS."
WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, A MATERNITY TEST IS JUST
FEELING YOUR STOMACH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE -- YEP, THE RESULTS
ARE IN.
I AM THE MOMMY.
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Seth: JOE MANDE, EVERYBODY!
HE'LL BE HEADLINING TOMORROW
NIGHT AT THE GREAT SCOTT IN
BOSTON.
FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER.
BEST ALL-TIME AT TWITTER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"LATE NIGHT."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: MY THANKS TO
JENNIFER CONNELLY,
JAMES VAN DER BEEK, THE
HILARIOUS JOE MANDE, AND OF
COURSE, THE 8G BAND.
STAY TUNED FOR "CARSON DALY."
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Seth: FORGOT MY PEN.
[ FIGHTING AND YELLING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
FORGOT MY PEN.
♪ WHAT HAPPENS AFTER
SETH GOES HOME ♪