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[ Man ] Who's this, Tonto?
##I walk along the streets of sorrow ##
## The boulevard ofbroken dreams ##
& Where gigolo and gigolette &
& Can steal a kiss but not forget &
& The boulevard of broken dreams &&
I'll give you a hint
He's Italian. That's right.
Russ Colombo
&& [ Humming ]
&& [ Continues ]
Attaboy
- Buenos dias,Jesus. - Hey, what do you say?
Hey, did you see Ironside last night? Some show
No, last night I read
You know, he's in a wheelchair all the time
And, uh, he gets this case with this rich lady----
very beautiful, blonde
She's afraid her husband wants to kill her
- Poison her - I thought you said you didn't watch
Well, the husband usually chooses poison
He takes the case, and they got this scene where Ironside!
has got to get to the woman in time to grab the poison from out of her hand
In a glass of milk [ Laughing ]
- You saw it - Okay, kiddo
One half-dozen eggs
One container of skim milk
Two of the, uh, low-cal cottage cheeses
Give me a quarter pound of that nice tender liver.
And a pint of sweet cream
Hey, that cat eats better than me
Jesus, eating is the most important thing in the life of a cat
Eating is the most important thing in the life of me too
Yeah, but you can read a book You can look at television
- You can make love to your wife - Bullshit
Can of tuna
That cat gets it more than I do
Oh, no Those days are over for both of us
Come on My grandfather, he's 82, and he never stops screwing
I stand in awe What's his secret?
I don't know Maybe 'cause he still lives in Puerto Rico
Maybe because, uh, he eats a lot of, uh, bananas
- Bananas? - Maybe because he don't know he's 82
I see Wrap it up to go
Times.
Thank you Who's the vice president this week?
Who cares?
[ Tires Screeching ]
One life, one death, one heaven, one hell
And one immortality, and one annihilation Woe is me
Shelley's ''Epipsychidion,'' you dumb son of a bitch
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Meowing ]
All right, baby, all right
Okay All right
All right
Hi, kid
- Did you see that? - No
Fellow almost ran me over
- What kind of car? - I don't know A big gray job
Capitalist bastard
What if it had been a Volkswagen?
Nazi bastard
No, no,Jacob I mean, if it was a small car!
would it make the fellow not a capitalist?
But it wasn't a small car
I don't understand your logic
Why should you be any different than the rest of America?
- Have a banana - No, no
I---- I lost my good teeth at home Let me see the market
-Jacob, they want me to move - What?
I got a notice that they're tearing down my building!
putting up a fancy parking lot
Capitalist bastards
They will not move me out of my apartment
I have some former students who pull considerable weight
Is the mayor a former student of yours?
You can't fight capitalism in the courts
You got to go to the streets
Man the barricades, plant the dynamite
Blow up the cesspool
You want, you can move in with me
I appreciate that,Jacob
But I think we'd end up hating each other
You know, I can be a real pain in the ass
I lived with my wife for 40 years
- I can live with you - [ Chuckling ]
No, at Tonto's age, moving can be a real problem
He knows the neighborhood Got a lot of friends
You know,Jacob...
I think that he's beginning to understand Spanish.
?Que pasa, Tonto?
All right, there All right
All right We'll be home in a minute
You got any spare change, old man?
Yeah, I have some spare change!
but I don't have any to spare.
I can let you have a banana
Help I'm being mugged
''You heavens, give me that patience!
''patience that I need
You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, as full of----''
- You all right, Harry? - I was mugged
- White boy or black boy? - What the hell difference does it make?
- I just like to know, that's all - White
Hot damn
If it makes you feel any better, the last one was Puerto Rican
- I got him I got him - You got it?
A fella I know up in Harlem!
got his false teeth stolen
Clear daylight
The mugger put a knife behind him!
scared him so!
his dentures dropped clear out of his mouth
Mugger grabbed his wallet and his teeth
A man's gotta be mighty low for that
Leroy, could you spare a little cream for Tonto?
I'll be up by and by
Gracias.
Hasta la vista.
Adios
- Good morning, Mrs R - Good morning, Mr C
Did you see Ironside last night? Some show
I loved the scene where he saved the wife's life
Wasn't that something? I almost had a heart attack
And they say there's nothing good on TV
Have you found a place yet?
I haven't looked
Well, there'll always be room for you at my place, kiddo
I'll be in Miami
That's very sweet of you, Mrs R!
but I don't think I could take all that sunshine
You can't say I didn't offer
Who's this, Tonto?
& When the blue of the night &
& Meets the gold of the day &
& Someone waits for me &&
&& [ Humming ]
- [ Tonto Meows ] - That's right, Bing Crosby
&& [ Humming ]
Okay, baby
Come on
Come on, baby That a baby
[ Sighs ]
[ Groans ]
Okay
Come on
Okay
There you go Ah
I'll give you some fresh water
Okay
Here it is There we go
Would you believe it, Tonto?
Mugged four times this year
Four times
You know, in a way...
I'm glad Annie isn't here to see it
She loved this neighborhood
Who could argue with her?
It was like Shakespeare's London
Bristling with energy
Ah, the day is still bristling!
but without the energy
There were trolleys, Tonto
Cobblestones
The aroma of corned beef and cabbage
Tangy zest of!
apple strudel
You had to hand-crank the cars in those days, Tonto
Cars like REOs
Franklins
Hudsons
Those were names fit for a car
These days a man doesn't know!
whether he's driving a car or an animal.
Mustangs,Jaguars, Cougars----
Pintos
Silly
I used to drive Burt around on his paper route
Yeah, we had paper routes in those days
Get him up early in the morning
Help the boy make some pocket money
It's a wonderful neighborhood
It's run-down
It's running down
It all runs down sooner or later
Where would I go to live?
I still know a lot of people around here, Tonto
You know people!
that's home
[ Yawning ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
Get a job, folks
[ Officer On Loudspeaker ] We know you're in there, Mr. Combes...
and we ask you in a nice way to please come down of your own volition.
You're only making things worse for yourself
- I repeat, you're only making things worse for yourself - Why don't you use tear gas?
- Fire a cannon - We repeat, Mr Combes----
- Shoot in the workers'houses - you are endangering your own life...
- as well as the lives of many other people. - Bastard
Please come down.
The city of New York will guarantee you replacement housing, Mr. Combes.
Please, sir, come on out of your apartment.
You are costing the city valuable tax dollars.
[Jacob ] Arrest the whole West Side
Don't you touch me
Fascist bastard
- You can't park there - [Jacob ] Fascist
- Hey, you hear what I said? You can't park there - That's my father
Oh, Pop
''Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks
- ''Rage Blow You cataracts and hurricanes---- - Get the furniture
But he's in a ''No Parking'' zone
- I said, get the furniture - ''Spout till you have!
drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks ''
- Drown the cocks, baby - Pop, I want you to act your age
I am ''You sulphurous, thought-executing fires!
''vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts
Singe my white head ''
Pop, I want you to come home with me
- This is my home - Pop, you've exhausted all your legal means
Not my moral means Not---- The mugger
That boy mugged me
That's the boy that mugged me
I've been thinking about Lear these past few weeks
I'm talkin' to you, Burt
I'm---- I'm listening, Pop
What'd I say?
You said you were thinking about Lear
- Lear who? - I don't know, Pop
King Lear
He gave up his real estate too
You know what happened to him!
what they did to him?
They foreclosed.
That's life.
An old man loses his home!
he's just a wanderer
You got a home now, Pop
Will you pass the salad, please?
[ Tonto Meows ]
[ Screeching, Hissing ]
He's nervous about the new surroundings
- It's just a matter of time, Pop - We have Brown Betty for dessert
Fine, fine
How about some Brown Betty, Norman, hmm?
- You can chew on that for a couple of weeks - Leave him alone, Burt
All right Okay
Okay Okay
[ Sighs ]
See you in a few minutes, kid
Hope you like the vibes
[ Meows ]
- Yeah, he's bothering me - I wish you would just eat your own food
What is it supposed to do? I don't know
Listen, I've got as m---- I----
I know as much about political consciousness as Norman does
- I just want a little respect - You'll be out of here soon enough
- When I talk to him, I wanna get answers - He doesn't answer me
- Why should he answer you? - Because we're in the same generation, that's why
What's the problem?
It's my brother, and he's insane That's the problem
- I don't like that, Burt - Hey
You may have noticed, Dad, that Norman doesn't speak very much
[ Scoffs ] Much?
He's taken a vow of silence
I know He wrote me a note
Rather interesting
I've done considerable reading about Zen, yoga
He hasn't
I don't understand that diet he's on though
Macrobiotics
Well, he seems healthy
Maybe you oughta give it a try, Elaine
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, I think you've put on a little weight
[ Chuckles ]
I think that's very rude
Oh, I---- I apologize
I know you think you're really far out
You smoke a couple of joints, and you think you're into something, right?
No Hey, I know
I mean, I took 3 2 trips, you ninny
Pure stuff Pure rainbow
I have more coke stuffed up this nose than you could breathe air
I was into heavy Tibetan meditation for two years, you Jimbo
You're not very tolerant,Junior
The heaviest thing I can do for him is to wake him up
You do that one more time, Burt!
and I'll stuff something up your nose
And you----y-y-you take that mackerel rice and---- and----
Change your shirt
- [ Elaine ] This is a wonderful dinner for Pop. - [ Burt ] I've had it up to here
- Roast beef and all - And I cooked it
- [ Norman ] Okay. Okay. - [ Rustling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Coughs ]
You spoke
In your sleep you said, ''Okay, okay ''
[ Chuckles ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Meows ]
Humphrey Bogart
Sorry, Pop
We've had a lot of robberies in the neighborhood lately
- That thing real? - Yeah
Sorry
Burt, you'll have to get used to me
I get up once a night to go
Listen, you can go 1 0 times a night if you want All right?
You promise you won't shoot me?
We're glad to have you here, Pop
Okay, go to sleep Get some sleep
Oh, that's okay
[ Coughs ]
Let's talk for a few minutes
Okay I'll talk and you nod
Norman, is there any literature!
specifically relating to what you're doing?
I'd like to read them
I've never done anything quite so extreme
I'm not against it
Not as long as it's growth-promoting
Now, when I was your age!
I did a lot of foolish things
Have you taken any of these drugs?
Mescaline?
Peyote?
Psilocybin?
L.S.D.
Heroin?
You're a good boy, Norman
Norman...
is there any way you could describe!
just how you feel?
Good night
A fellow from Armenia just became a father at the age of 93
He must eat a lot of bananas
He says he smokes and he drinks!
and he still works in the fields
- When did you last have a woman,Jacob? - What?
When did you last sleep with a woman?
Saturday night
March, 1 951
Yeah, it was about 1 0:00 at night
[ Chuckles ] You have a wonderful memory
I also remember the first time
I was 1 4 years old
[ Chuckles ]
It was snowing
Bitter cold Twenty below
Maybe worse
Winters in Poland----
Your piss would freeze before it hit the ground
[ Laughing ] Yeah But, Harry!
I went into the barn to get some wood
Mmm, some firewood, and we had this---- this servant girl
Annushka
Uh, she---- she was already 20
Oh, she was, uh----
she was milking the cow
Uh, she had tits!
bigger than the cow
Cold as it was, I was burning for her, and she knew it
Ah, Annushka
Then my father came in and found us!
and he almost killed me
Did you ever have Annushka again?
No No
My father started slipping it to her regularly
- Polish logic - He was a capitalist bastard
We are in for a depression!
that will make the '30s look like paradise
Maybe it's a good thing
The hard-hats and the phony liberals will kill each other
&& [ Pop ]
[ Claps ]
&& [ Humming Along ]
Play my song
[ Chuckling ]
Yea
& We will raise a family &
- & A gal for you & - & And a boy for me &
& Can't you see how happy we will be &&
- Yea Terrific - [ Cheering ]
Well, that was fabulous Thank you That was great
- Yeah, that meal was fabulous - Oh
I was gonna try to cook some authentic soul food!
but then I got afraid it wouldn't turn out all right
- That's fine Fine - But I love the soul food
Burt and I ate it at a little place!
in the East Village that specializes in it
- Do you remember, Burt? - Hmm?
Oh, yeah Yeah, that---- that tiny place, yeah
It's run by an elderly Afro-American woman
- I didn't know they had soul food in Africa - Pass the wine,Junior
- It was a fabulous meal - Thank you.
- We had grits, black-eyed peas! - Ooh
okra and pig's knuckle
I got pig knuckles runnin' outta my ears My mother makes 'em every night
Leroy's living with his mother temporarily
- That's wonderful - I don't know about that
She nags me from morning till night
''Get a job Get a job Go out and get yourself a job ''
She's gettin' meaner and meaner
- How old is your mother? - Ninety
She's riled because she's workin' and I'm not
Well, she must be an extraordinary woman to be able to work at that age
Well, she does cleaning two days a week
Isn't that fantastic?
[ Leroy Chuckles ] It's not as if I'm not tryin.
I go out every day trying to find another janitorial job
They're tearin' down more buildings than they're building up
Right Well, listen, have you tried the, uh, unemployment office?
They tore down the one in our area
I'm going downtown to the main office tomorrow
- What about welfare? - My mother's on welfare
I thought you said she was working
Welfare don't know she's working
Besides, that's scratch for me
- It's better than nothing - [ Leroy ] For her, it is.
She won't give me a dime
You're missing the point,Junior
Leroy wants a place of his own
It doesn't make any difference how old a man is!
he needs his privacy.
Are you saying that you don't have enough privacy?
- Elaine - I'm talking to your father
I think we're doing the very best that we can
I would like it if you could have a room of your own...
but we're not millionaires
That's a very stupid remark, Elaine
It's not a stupid remark, Burt
Elaine's just being honest about it
Well, it---- it isn't very easy to accommodate another person
Especially when the person is as unaccommodating as I am
Let's just drop the discussion
I'm old and cranky and just a general all-around pain in the butt
- Now, I didn't say that - Hey, I'm gettin'married in the spring...
- so Grandpa can have my room - I may be dead by the spring
- Pop - Look, I'll find a place of my own this week
Nobody is asking you to move
We love havin' you here, Pop
You're a fool, Burt
I'm driving Elaine out of her mind.
Every second I spend here is a burden to her
Well, I---- I can't see your other children sending out invitations
I don't see the mail pouring in from Chicago or Los Angeles
Elaine, will you shut up?
Well, thanks for a lovely evening
I think I best be going home
I'll see you out, Leroy
[ Groans ]
I don't promise the elevator will ever work
A little exercise is good at our age
I don't think it's safe anyway
Best place to get mugged is the elevator
I was mugged four times this year
- You must live in a good neighborhood - I lived in this area
- Where are you now? - In the suburbs with my son
Let's wait a second, huh?
- I'm glad you said it - [ Sighs ] How old do you think I am?
We both can use an elevator
How old?
- Oh, 60, 64 - [ Scoffs ]
When I was 64 I could run up those stairs
- Seventy-three - Amazing You don't look it
I feel it
He'll be outta here the end of the week
- Excuse me Buenos dias. - Buenos dias.
The owner will split the paint job with you
- A little small, isn't it? - Less to clean
What do you want a big place for?
You're not gonna give any big parties
A room with a view
At our age, if you don't know what the world looks like, you never will
- How much? - Hundred and 20
- You pay the utilities - It's a steal
Well, you gotta know how to shop
Me? [ Scoffs ] I could get along on just toast and tea!
as long as I have my chocolate bars
My husband's the problem He loves his meat
Been in the hospital for five weeks now
I've heard from him about three times
Every time I call, they say, ''He'll pull through,''
but they never tell me when he's comin' home
I never miss him when he's home
But I miss him a lot when he's in the hospital
Ifhe were here, I'd have someone to argue with.
I'd find him a nice piece of meat
- I have a pet - Huh?
- I have a pussycat - Why the hell are you wasting my time?
No cats No dogs
No animals Get out of here
Have you got 3 5 cents?
- [ Horns Honking ] - Why 3 5?
I want to buy a mink coat
[ Honking Continues ]
- There you are - Ah, thank you Thank you
- You're welcome - Thank you
I think I'll go to Chicago
Spend a few weeks with Shirley
Pop, it's freezing in Chicago
I want to see her
Besides, I think it'd be good for all of us!
to have a little vacation from each other
I called Shirley yesterday It's all set
Why didn't you tell me that, Pop?
- How is she? - She sounded fine
Sends you her love
I think you're makin' a big mistake, Pop
Uh,just double-park, Burt
I'll do this myself
Pop, at least let me buy the plane ticket
You promise I won't get hijacked?
- Promise - Okay.
I guess I'm a little scared of flying
You'll love it
You're a good boy, Burt
I'll only be a few minutes
[ Door Closes ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- This is a 40-minute trip for me - Look, there is no Reynolds
Found in a bathtub in Jackson Heights
- I want an autopsy today, and I want an autopsy by noon - There is a Renaldo, Rivera----
That's it That's it, Renaldo
He's Reynolds Reynolds
Christ Almighty
- Excuse me - Yes?
I came here to identify a body
- Have a seat, please - Thank you
- Name? - Combes
- [ Man ] They got Renaldo. - [ Humming ]
- I don't have any Combes - Oh, I'm sorry
I'm Combes Rivetowski----
Jacob Rivetowski
- 301 4 Amsterdam Avenue? - That's right
- Well, what is your relationship to him? - I was his friend
Well, I'm sorry You have to be a blood relative
Well, you'll have to go to Poland to find a blood relative
Do you know his social security number?
Well, he hasn't worked in 20, 25 years
What is his date of birth?
Well, he claimed to be 77 years old
But if you ask me, I think he was older
You know, at that age they get a little vain
Do you have any documents?
No
Madam, I just want to get my friend buried
Come with me
That's him
So long, kid
Take your time
He had his first affair when he was 1 4
Okay
Thank you
[ Sniffs ]
Uh, he's taking the 403 to Chicago
You go right on through to gate 28
All right, uh----
- Here you go, mate - All right Thank you
- Can I take that for you? - No No No, thanks
Burt, I don't like long good-byes
Pop, here
I want you to enjoy yourself
- Burt, I have enough money - If I know Shirley, you'll need it
All right Thank you
Now listen, you know you got a place here, you understand?
Fine Fine Now, if anything should happen to me----
- Oh, what are you talkin' about? - Well,just a minute
You never know My lawyer is Herb Appleby of Appleby, Ross and Montgomery
They have my will, my safe deposit key
- Thanks, Burt Thanks for everything - Now listen
- You----You call me as soon as you get there, all right? - Okay Okay
Okay
- [ Tonto Meowing ] - Don't worry, Tonto
Nobody's gonna touch you Just lookin' for time bombs
Hey, mister, don't even joke like that
- [ Man On P.A.] Trans World Airlines---- - They gonna search my cat?
- They search everything - [ Man On P.A. Continues, Indistinct ]
- Relax Nobody's gonna---- - Please step through
- Would you please step through? - Should I turn my hearing aid off?
- No, no, that's okay
- But let me have the case, please - No, it's only my cat
You have to step through alone, sir
I don't step through anything without this cat
Sir, it's government regulations
Are you telling me I can't get on that plane if I don't let go of this cat?
Sir, we have to examine every parcel that is hand-carried
Well, this parcel contains one cat, one piece of shag rug!
a rubber ''mousy,'' and about a half a pound of kitty litter
- [ Meows ] - Wet kitty litter
Sir, you're holding up the line
What the hell do you think I've got in here, a submachine gun?
- Sir, would you come this way, please? - What?
I said I'd like to talk to you here for a minute
- Where? - I would like to talk to you
This way
I want my bag back
- That was a short trip - It's the brown job with the black strap
Taxi
- Where can I get a bus to Chicago? - At the bus station
How much does it cost to go to the bus station?
- About 1 0 bucks - It's a deal
There we go
It's not far, is it? My cat is thirsty
- Oh, is that a cat in there, sir? - Yeah
I'm gonna have to charge you for it as if it was luggage
All right
Hey, are you a salesman?
Yeah I'm one of the last of your traveling salesmen
We don't see many of you fellas anymore
We're a dying breed
- What do you sell? - Cats
Oh, is that so?
Let me tell you something
Times are bad Don't you believe what they're saying in the papers about a recession
- We're in a depression - You better believe it
Time was when I could go into a town!
sell six or seven cats before lunchtime
Siamese, Burmese, Manx, Persian.
Hey, my mom had a Persian
Russian blue, chocolate!
calico, rex
What's a rex?
See what I mean? People don't know cats anymore
A rex is a 20-pounder
Geez, it must cost an arm and a leg to feed that thing
That's why nobody buys them anymore
But Chicago---- great town for cats
Why is Chicago a great town for cats?
I don't know It just is
Excuse me
I thought since we're gonna be traveling companions!
we ought to at least know each other
Harry Combes
Dominic Santosi
Glad to know you, Dominic
Quite a sandwich you have there
I've often wondered if the derivation of the phrase ''hero sandwich''!
- [ Meows ] - comes from the word ''heroic ''
The adjective ''heroic'' can be taken to mean!
gallant, courageous, brave
It can also mean huge, large
You want a bite?
My---- My cat is hungry
Thank you
You, uh, take this trip often?
I'm going to Chicago
Visit my daughter
What does one do about urinating?
There's a john in the back
Thank you, Dom
Eh
[ Meows, Screeches ]
I didn't think so
- Uh, excuse me - Sorry, you can't talk to the driver!
- while the bus is in motion - Uh, my cat has to relieve himself
You're not supposed to have any animals on the vehicle
Look, this is an animal, and he's on this vehicle, and he has to go
How did you get that cat on this bus?
- I carried him on in his case What difference does it make? - Then let him pee in his case
He doesn't want to pee in his case His litter is soiled
A cat is a very clean animal He doesn't like to make where another animal has made
I can't stop this bus, mister
Listen, driver, you better stop this bus!
or my cat is gonna do his business on somebody's leg
- You got one minute - Thank you
Thank you [ Grunts ]
Okay Hurry it up, kiddo
Hurry it up Come on
Hurry it up
Tonto Tonto
Tonto
Hey, Tonto
Tonto
Hey, mister, let's go I can't wait
Let's go I'm gonna lose my job
I can't leave without my cat
I can't hold this ride up We're an express
All right Get---- Get my bag It's the brown job with the black strap
- I can't leave you out here - I will not leave without my cat
There's another bus due in about an hour and a half You could flag her down
- Okay,just get my bag - All right, I'll get it.
- Is this it? - Yes, that's it Put it down
Tonto
I don't like it I don't like it at all, you rotten cat
You half-scared the life outta me
I tell you, Tonto, I don't like your attitude
- [ Meows ] - All right
You don't want to be on those buses, do you?
You want to be free, don't ya?
I left your case on the bus
Well, that's show business
[ Meows ]
Okay Okay [ Kisses ] You're all right
- [ Meows ] - Okay Okay Okay
- [ Meows ] - Okay That's better
[ Groans ] Okay, baby
Well, good afternoon Nick Lewis
Harry Combes
- Car trouble? - Oh, it's a long story
I need something to get me to Chicago
Oh, boy
- Over here - [ Grunts ]
Now, this little baby only come in yesterday
Fresh rubber Power steering Power brakes
Got your factory air Got your reclining seats The works
And I guarantee you, it's only had one owner
- A little old lady - [ Chuckles ] No Little old me
- Oh - This used to be my car
- Yeah, but my days for reclining seats are over - Yeah
Oh, every now and then I knock off a little piece!
but it gets tougher all the time, you know?
I never would have believed it
I am 62 years old
I can't get it up unless I take a dose of strychnine.
Strychnine? I thought strychnine was poisonous
Naw No
It really gives you a lift, you know?
But I wanna tell ya, it isn't worth it
'Cause I get such terrible headaches
Right through my skull ''Bong Bong '' Like a sledgehammer
So, a fella has to decide whether he wants a migraine headache!
or a piece of ass, you know?
- Well, Nick, you live and learn - Yeah
Well, here
Now, uh---- Now here, we're talking about!
an automatic transmission, but no passing power
- Uh---- - Will you hold Tonto, please?
Yeah
How much?
Let's call it 250, including tax and license
It's all-American [ Chuckles ]
[ Harry ] Hello?
E-Elaine?
Uh, this is Harry.
Yes. Would you speak----
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hello?
I can hear you now
Yeah, well, uh---- Let me speak to Burt
Okay
Uh, Burt?
Oh, I'm fine
No, I'm not in Chicago
I-I'm in a motel eating fried chicken
No, I didn't take the plane I took a bus
But Tonto wouldn't pee on the bus!
so I went out and bought a car
Yes, it's a good car Safe---- $250
I don't know what year It's a good, safe car
Yeah Huh?
A license?
Wait a minute All right Just----Just hold Wait a minute
Damn it to hell
Why'd he----
Burt!
it expired in 1 958
I can get---- Don't you shout at me like that, Burt
I can get it renewed
Tomorrow Yes
Yep
Well, give my love to them
Would you calm down?
Yeah
Yes, I'll call you when I get to Chicago
Right
Okay, son
Don't worry Bye-bye
[ Sighs ]
You know, Tonto, when I was very young!
I thought about driving cross-country
Never made it though
Met Annie, and that was that
Kids, family, work
It wasn't Annie's fault though
No, we had good times
But, you know, maybe----
maybe I thought there just wasn't enough!
time, or enough money
And on the other hand, there really was
We had good times though.
Good times.
Lake Saranac, Cape Cod----
beautiful summers
Annie loved to swim
Much better swimmer than I was
Powerful strokes
People used to wonder how that little body!
could churn through the water that way
Wonderful
I'll let you in on something, Tonto
I have a great fear of pain
I would rather go! like that!
than suffer for a long time
Oh, how Annie suffered
The suffering was worse than the dying
- I dreaded seeing her in the morning - [ Siren Chirps ]
She never complained
Never complained
That was my specialty
Hell, you know, you never really feel somebody's suffering
You only feel their death
Just act normal, kiddo
Just act normal
- [ Harry ] You have a driver's license? - Yes, sir
- Hop in Take over the wheel - Ah,Jesus loves you
Hallelujah
[ Man ] ''James, the son of Alphaeus!
''Thaddeus!
''Simon the Canaanean!
''and Judas Iscariot!
''who betrayed him
''These 1 2 Jesus sent out!
''charging them, 'Go nowhere among the gentiles!
'''and to no town of the Samaritans!
'''but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel!
'''preaching as you go!
'''saying the kingdom of heaven is at hand
'''Heal the sick, raise the dead!
cleanse lepers and cast out demons '''
Yeah, all right All right
- [ Meows ] - Oh, sure I know
Yeah
See, these people are heading south towards Atlanta!
so I'll be on my way
What about Chicago?
Thank you, Mr Combes
Bye-bye, Ginger
Aren't you going with him?
- No - Have an argument?
We only met the lift before yours
Is this the Pepsi Generation?
[ French Accent ] & Every little bird seems to whisper Louise &
& Birds in the trees seem to whisper Louise &
- [ Chuckles ] - Maurice Chevalier
How'd you know that one?
I saw him on TV
Ginger, can I get personal?
Sure But no lectures
You running away from home?
Yeah
You know where you're going?
A girl I know gave me the address of a commune in Boulder, Colorado
Do you know what it's like in those communes?
Drugs, sex, orgies
Yeah, well, I don't know about that
What about your parents?
Oh, they're okay
What about school?
I had enough
Ginger, how old are you?
Sixteen
- Sixteen - Yeah.
Well, I guess I don't know what it's like to be 1 6 these days
Neither do I
When I was going to college!
I worked as a singing waiter!
in Feltman's
[ Chuckles ] Coney Island
I had a good voice
[ Ginger ] You still do.
Matter of fact, I was thinking about going into show business
But I finally realized that!
education needed me more than!
entertainment
I needed the security of a job!
more than the thrill of performing
Performing has a lot to do with being a good teacher, you know
A teacher has to be on, you know, sense his audience
I was a good teacher
Does this bother you?
Uh, yes, I, uh----
I'm embarrassed
I'm sorry
I'm dressed now
Guess I'm a!
little too old to readjust my thinking
Now you sound like my mother
You're just like Jessie
Yeah? Who's Jessie?
Jessie was the first woman I ever saw naked
Crazy, wondrous Jessie
I wanted to marry her
- You see, I slept with her - Did you like her?
Like her?
I loved her
She didn't want to marry me
She didn't believe in marriage
Neither do I
She was a liberated woman long before it became fashionable
Not just sexually liberated
In every way
She danced with Isadora
Isadora Duncan
I saw the movie with Vanessa Redgrave
I went with Jessie for two months
And then she!
took off for Paris with Isadora
Then I met Annie
And here I am
Are you sorry?
No
I've had a wonderful life
I hope you don't mind taking tea
[ Grunts ]
You know, it's too bad you couldn't have lived with Jessie and Annie
[ Chuckles ]
Maybe that's why I didn't go into show business
You ever hear from Jessie?
Matter of fact, I did
After Isadora died----
- Her scarf got caught in the car wheel - I know, I know
She came back to the States and she got married
Became a housewife
Married a druggist!
from Fort Wayne, Indiana
His name was Stone
You really got it on with Jessie
She was a lovely person
Is she dead?
I don't know
Let's go see her
What?
Let's go see how she is
She may have passed on
Well, let's find out
It's far out of our way
So what?
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Yes, sir?
Uh, I'm Harry Combes
I'm looking for Jessie Stone
What for?
- [ Footsteps ] - Uh, I think we've come to the wrong place
- Can I help you? - They're looking for Grandma
No, no It's a mistake
- I'm looking for a Jessie Stone - Well, this is the place
But my wife ain't home just yet
Oh Oh, I see
- What are you looking forJessie for? - They used to be sweethearts
- Amazing [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
It was a long time ago
- You better believe it - [ Laughing Continues ]
Hey,Jessie Guess what
Your boyfriend's come a-calling
Let me tell you straight off
Thursday is the only day I have open!
and that's about all spoken for
[ Sighs ] My feet are killin' me
Uh, I thought you were anotherJessie Stone Please excuse the intrusion
Well, you got the right name, but the wrong party
Now, you mean theJessie Stone!
that used to have the dancing school on State Street
Yes
I used to get her gas bills by mistake
She was a funny lady
Is she still alive?
I think she's in an old age home on Wharton Street
Well, thank you,Jessie Very nice to have met you
Sorry if we caused you any trouble
- It's quite all right - Bye-bye
- Bye [ Groans ] - Come on in
- Morning - Good morning
Oh, I'm sorry No pets allowed
- Would you put Tonto back in the car, Ginger? - Yeah
- Uh, I want to---- - Can I see your papers, please?
- I'm just visiting - Who did you want to see?
-Jessie Stone - Oh She hasn't had any visitors in a long time
- You know her well? - Well, I haven't seen her in 50 years
Well, she may not remember you
- Come this way I'll take you - Thank you
It's right this way
- Sometimes she seems a bit confused - Mm-hmm
Good morning, Thomas Well, here we are
- This is our arts and crafts room - Very nice
Yeah, we like it Here, let's go this way
[ Quiet Chattering ]
Yeah, there's Jessie
[ Man ] Good morning,Jessie.
- When the hell are you going to get me another book? - Soon Soon
- I brought you a visitor - Oh?
I'll leave you two together
Hello,Jessie
Hello, hello, hello
Roses You remembered
Do you remember me?
Sit down Sure, I remember you
You're still very beautiful
Thank you, Alex
I'm Harry Harry Combes
These flowers need water
- I'm Harry,Jessie - From the past
From the old, gray past
From the bright,jolly past
I thought maybe you'd forgotten
We had some sweet times in Paris
[ Speaking French ]
Merci, mademoiselle.
You're not Alex
I'm Harry Combes from New York
Oh, yes The professor
No, I didn't get that far
So nice to see you,Jessie
- I was on my way to Chicago to visit my daughter - How's Annie?
She passed away
Alex?
- Yes,Jessie? - I have nothing to read
I'll bring you something tomorrow
On my dresser
I left my perfume on my dresser
You know how I feel about perfume
I know
I want to go to the shore next summer.
I want to dance on the shore
Will you take me to the shore, Alex?
I promise,Jessie
I promise
Let's dance
Don't be embarrassed
[ Harry, Ginger ] ## Chicago, Chicago ##
####[ Both Humming ]
&& [ Continues ]
& Chicago, Chicago &
& My hometown &
[ Solo ] & Good evening &
[ Together] & Friends &&
Hi, Grandpa [ Laughs ]
Norman
- What are you doing here? - Dad sent me to bring you back home
Why? I'm fine I'm having a wonderful time
- Norman, this is Ginger - Hi
- Ginger's my traveling companion
Harry gave me a lift
You're looking fine, Grandpa
- You're talking - Yeah Garbo speaks
- Norman was silent for several weeks - [ Footsteps ]
Well, Tonto, I see you brought my old man, huh?
You're looking good, Shirley
You look pretty good too
I love this place
Well, I'm glad you finally got to see it
Hardly recognized Norman
[ Speaking Latin ]
The times change, and we change with it
Not so much, though
- Shirley, this is Ginger She's with me - Hi
- On what basis? - Well, we met on the road.
We had a short but passionate love affair
What do you mean?
- She ran away from home - Oh How old are you?
Don't worry about it I'm leaving in the morning
Where to?
Boulder, Colorado Or maybe Bangladesh
Actually, it depends on the lift
What the hell are you gonna do in Boulder, Colorado?
Shirley, I'd like to take a nice, hot bath
I'm sorry Of course I live right in the back, up there, up the stairs
Billie, I'll be back in an hour Okay?
- So, tell me, was it that bad at home? - No
How old are you? Ten?
I'm 1 5.
- Uh-huh - Fifteen?
You told me you were 1 6
Oh, yeah I'm 1 6
Terrific You know you're gonna get murdered in Boulder
It's a commune where she's going
- Harry, what the hell do you know about communes? - Don't shout at me, Shirley
Well---- [ Stammers ] She'll be knocked up in a week
Ginger is not a loose girl
Yeah, but she'll be living with a lot of loose men Come on
With your record with men, I wouldn't presume to give advice
- You've had three bad marriages - Four
- What happened to Chico? - Ah, I threw him out
It's upstairs
You'll never have kids
Oh, I don't know
''I loved her most!
thought to set my rest on her kind nursery ''
Please, Harry No Shakespeare, huh?
What's the matter with Shakespeare?
Probably the world's greatest writer
I know I agree
- I'm tired - I know
Listen, why don't you hang around?
I could help you, get you some counseling or something
Oh, no, thanks I've had three years of it already
Why don't I get us some fried chicken?
- You're eating too - I'll go with you
Okay I like you, Norman
I like you too, Aunt Shirley
But I think you're a bitch
What do you think, Tonto? Hmm?
Here we go Up you go
- [ Meowing ] - You okay?
What do you mean, what am I gonna do? I don't know what I'm gonna do
- I have no schedule - Well, you can't just drift
You know, it's colder here than in New York
You're an intelligent man, Harry
- You shouldn't waste yourself - What can I do?
- Teach What do you think? - I'm too old
Oh, bullshit Come on now
You know that there are free schools opening all over this city
If you wanna stay here, I can help you get a job
I mean it They're looking for really good teachers
How about it?
Is that me?
Yeah, that's right That's you
Poor old thing
- Shirley? - What?
Do you love me?
I'll tell you something, Harry---- I don't always like you
But I---- I do love you
Then why do we always argue?
I don't know I guess that's the way we talk to each other, Harry
I think I remember the past too much
The strangest thing about being old is!
all your friends are dead
Well, all your old friends, maybe
You could make new friends
That's an idea
How do you do?
- Harry Combes here - Oh Shirley Mallard Glad to meet you
- Shirley Mallard? - Yes
- One ''L'' or two? - Two
- Mallard Oh, as in Wild Duck. - Mmm
- Remember The Wild Duck? - Of course Ibsen
Yeah Now, there was a great playwright
He really understood women
Some Swedish men actually stay home and help take care of their children
- Is that a fact? - Mm-hmm
Did you know that Ibsen was Norwegian?
I wasn't talking about Ibsen
Did you know that Ibsen loved to travel and never stayed at home?
Oh, shut up
You're a card, Harry, you are
That's what people keep telling me all the time
You think we'll ever stop arguing?
Never
Not a chance
Well, at least we agree on something
Come on, pal I'll buy you a drink
[ Bell Dinging ]
####[ Violin. ""Pop Goes The Weasel'"]
&& [ Ends ]
[ Harry ] Will you hold on just a minute?
No, Norman is with me
He decided to come along with us
I'll put him on the phone
[ Grunting ]
Hello, Dad? No, for real Arizona
Yeah, but then I'm gonna go on to Boulder, Colorado
Hi, Mom How are you----
Look, I-I feel good, Ma
I wanna try living on this commu----
Please don't
Hi, Dad
I'm not doing anything to hurt anybody
[ Stammers ] I feel good I feel fine
No, no, not alone
With a girl named Ginger
She's 1 8
Yeah,ju-just a----just a second
I want you to meet my father Here
Hi Uh, Mr Combes? Yeah
I just wanted to say that you've a beautiful son, and a beautiful father too
All right Hang on
Harry, he wants to talk to you
Hello? [ Clears Throat ]
It's me again Yeah
Listen, uh---- Listen carefully, pl----
Burt, would you please send my checks on to Eddie in Los Angeles?
Y---- Eddie Your brother
I'll be staying on with him
What would I do in a commune?
I---- I know Life is confusing
We're just trying to get on with it, that's all
Just a minute Operator?
You want more change?
Just a minute
Norman, do you have any change?
Hold it
We're trying to get the change, operator
Burt, I'll talk quickly now
Elaine Would you stop crying
Operator?
That was a very wrong thing to do
We were just about ready to put in some----
Norman, I want you to write to your parents every day
- Call 'em too - Mom'll just cry if I call
Do you promise me?
Okay
Harry, come with us
Maybe I'll visit you
Grandpa, I feel real weird about leaving you here
Norman!
for the first time in my life!
I'm west of Chicago, and I love it
It's splendid It's amazing It's beautiful
I'm happy I feel good
And I just want to spend a little time by myself
Now, get in the car, start the engine and get going
So long, Grandpa
Bye-bye
- So long, Harry - Bye, dear
- Bye, Tonto - [ Meows ]
- [ Engine Starts, Idles ] - There we go
That's it
Drive carefully
So long, Grandpa
- Take it easy - Bye
Take it easy
[ Engine Off]
[ Grunts ]
[ Van Door Slams ]
[ Sighs ]
- Nice-looking cat - Thank you
Used to sell cats
Had a nice little business on the side
Yeah, Persian, Maltese, Burmese, Manx, calicoes
You ever sell a rex?
Why, I sold me a rex once that weighed upwards of 30 pounds
Cats are smarter than we are.
Simple diet, no clothes, lots of exercise.
And they can clean themselves
[ Chuckles ] Carlton's the name Wade Carlton
- Harry Combes here - I sell health these days
- Come on, baby - Natural health
Vitamins, minerals, natural foods
- You do well? - Beats sellin' cats
I'll bet it does
You hit this territory often?
Not more than once a year, no
Now, ''E'' is your wonder vitamin
You can rub it in, you can swallow it
Advise you to do both
Good for your heart, good for your head and good for your sex
I want you to get plenty of''C'' too
''C'' goes good with ''E ''
Back up your ''E'' with ''C'' and you'll be dancin' till midnight
No limit to ''C ''
Advise you to take plenty of""F. '"
I never heard of''F ''
Get yourself a good blender I can sell you one
Equal portions of sunflower seed!
- [ Burp ] - pumpkin seed, sesame seed, flax seed
You get 'er down to where she looks like flour, put it into your blender----
I can sell you one----
toss in a little apple juice and honey!
and you'll be clean as a whistle
How's that, Harry?
You got magic hands, Wade
I love my work
[ Wade ] So I was broke.
I rode me down to Galveston
Read an article in the paper!
about catchin' sharks
Shark's good for a lot of things
Got a job with a Portuguese feller
Caught sharks till I couldn't move my arms
Made me $300 and come home
Hadn't shaved for three weeks
Come walkin' up to the front door
The wife thought it was a bum
Told me to clear on out
That's when I got into cats
- Your wife still alive? - Nope
[ Meows ]
Buried three of'em
Good women Bad diets
& Get along, little pussy &
& Get along, little pussy Get along &
& Get along, little pussy Get along, get along &
& Get along &&
&& [ Radio: Country ]
- Going to Vegas - Oh
That'd be just fine
Thank you
- I hope this isn't too much trouble - No, not at all
- Mind holding my cat? - Sure
I sure do appreciate this
I've been standing here for about---- oh, about three quarters of an hour
[ Sighs ] Oh
[ Groans ] Very nice of you
- My name's Harry Combes -Stephanie
How are you, Stephanie?
- This is Tonto - Hi, Tonto
You got a cigarette, Harry?
No I don't smoke I'm sorry
Are you broke?
No, no
Why are you hitchhiking?
- Oh, my cat just doesn't like buses - Oh
What are you staring at?
Well, you're just so pretty
I have to be
- You in show business? - Yeah
- Actress? - I'm a hooker
I don't believe you
You're much too beautiful
I'm a high-priced hooker
Oh, please, don't kid me I'm an old man
I've had older
Really?
When's the last time you made it, Harry?
Oh, I haven't had sex in a long time
Had, or enjoyed?
[ Chuckling ] What's the difference?
You'll have to pay to find out
Oh, I---- [ Chuckles ] I really don't think I'm up to it
[ Laughs ] Excuse me
- Harry, I'm really getting horny - Uh, miss----
- Uh, miss, uh---- - I'm really horny
- It's been a long drive - Miss, uh, really, I only have $1 00
[ Tires Screeching ]
Wake up, Harry Come on
Thank you
Thank you very much
Very sweet of you
####[ Rock ]
####[ Woman Singing ]
- ####[ Continues ] - Would you mind holding my cat, please?
Good morning, sir Can I help you?
May I have a scotch and plain water, please?
- Yes, sir. - Twist of lemon.
&& [ Continues ]
- Whoo - Whoo
####[ Continues ]
- [ Shouting, Cheering ] - Oh Beautiful
Ah, that's it That's---- [ Sighs ]
That's it Right there, right there
Nine straight passes
Is that good or bad?
Good I'm working my way toward a new Eldorado
- Something to drink, sir? - Oh, yes, thank you A scotch and plain water
Hold the twist And could I have a saucer of milk for my cat?
- Ten straight passes - [ Cheering, Shouting ]
Thank you
- Ten straight passes - This is exciting
Forty-six straight hours, and I feel like I just got up
- Eleven straight from heaven - How much did you start with?
Two hundred, and I made my way up to 1 0 G's
Eleven straight from heaven Let's do it
-Just come right on Right on - Oh, thank you
Come on, 1 1 , 1 1 , 1 1
Come on Take the truck
That's it That's it
- Bless you, Ernie - God bless you, Ernie
Pay up, pay up
- Would you bet this five for me, please? - Five on the pass line?
- On the pass line - Everything on the pass line
- Let's hear it for the pass line
Let's hear it for the pass line Come on This is it
- Once in a lifetime Here we go - Here we go
Okay, let's go, baby Let's go Come on Let's go Let's go
Come on, give it to daddy
- Three Craps Line away - [ Spectators Gasping ]
- Is it over? - You bad-lucked me, you son of a bitch
- Where'd you come from? - Outside
Who the hell are you? Huh?
I come in here for the first time in my life----
- Blow it out your liver - I was flyin' high I had it made
What happens? You walk in, I get zilch, zip
First time in my life, something---- something to work for
Tonto!
guess who this is
& Seems like old times &
& Havin' you to talk to &
[ Laughs ] That's right, Tonto
The old redhead
Wait a minute [ Muttering ]
Here I forgot to feed you
Come here, baby
&& [ Whistling ]
Come on, baby
There you are
All your protein's in there, your vitamins---- ''A,'' your ''C,'' plenty of''F ''
Your vitamins, your minerals, your vegetables
Excuse me, Tonto
I gotta pee
[ Zipper Unzips ]
&& [ Whistling ]
[ Urinating ]
What do you think you're doing?
Tonto
Tonto?
Where are you, Tonto?
[ Grunts ]
Guard---- [ Clears Throat ]
- Guard? - What's your problem?
Looking for my cat, Tonto Where's my cat?
He's okay He's out in front
- You sure? - Fine He's fine
I was looking for my cat
My name's Sam Two Feathers
Harry Combes here
My cat's name is Tonto!
after Tonto and the Lone Ranger
Who's this Lone Ranger?
Uh, that was a radio show
Radio program Very popular
I don't have a radio
Oh I'm sorry
I have a television
I'm glad
A Zenith
Did you hear the story about a crippled detective?
I think his name was Ironsides
Uh, I've heard about it
Yeah I thought it was about an Indian
[ Chuckles ] I---- I can see that
The name Ironside
I had a cousin called Ironsides
But he was a fool
This is the first time in my life I've ever been in jail
What are you in for?
Peeing
I got a ticket once for shitting
Where'd you do it?
No, not me
My horse, in a hotel lobby
Oh
Where did you get this?
A fella sold it to me
White man with a funny beard?
That's the fella
I paid $30 for mine!
but it broke
What do you know?
How much do you want for this?
Oh, it's yours
Even trade Take it
Oh, uh, it's beautiful, Mr Two Feathers, but, uh----
I said, take it
- Take it. - Thank you
My wife will be very pleased with this
What are you in for?
Oh, same old thing
Practicing medicine without a license
What'd you do?
Uh----
Wish I could plug this in
I put a spell on Edgar Red Bear
They arrested you for it?
He died
Oh I'm sorry
He was supposed to die
That's why I put a spell on him
His family raised a big stink
Sounds like bad medicine to me
I practice good medicine on good people!
bad medicine on bad people
You can actually make sick people well?
Looks like a demonstration model
Yeah, I make sick people well
Can you cure bursitis?
I cure anything
What is bursitis?
Uh, it's a pain
Uh, I got it in my right shoulder
It's like arthritis
- Uh, take off your jacket - Huh?
Take off your jacket
I, uh---- I can't afford to pay you
What is in the suitcase?
Oh,just some, uh, shirts!
ties, slacks
That looks like my size
Fine. Fine. Take what you want.
I'll take a pair!
but after I cure you.
Anything you say
Sit down.
&& [ Singing In Native Language ]
&& [ Continues ]
&& [ Continues, Louder]
[ Speaking Native Language ]
[ Blows ]
Amazing
Absolutely amazing
I love my work
&& [ Humming ''Hooray For Hollywood'' ]
[ Mouths Word ]
Pop?
Eddie
Pop Hey [ Laughs ]
Hey, Pop Man, is it good to see you
- Hey, look at---- - How are ya?
-Just great - Eddie, you look fine
- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late - It's all right It's all right
You look good You look like a movie extra That's what you look like
- Guess I do need a shave, huh? - Yeah We've all been worrying about you, Pop
Burt's been calling every day Nobody knows where you've been You should have called
I've been fine, and I've been having a wonderful time
- Yeah? You still got the cat, huh? - Oh, yeah
- Tonto's a good traveler - How about that?
- Yeah How about this, huh? - There you are
Hey, Pop, you're gonna love it here
- I am, huh? - Yeah
- You look good, Eddie - It's really good to see you, Pop
Good to be with you, Eddie
Yeah
Your office near your place?
I don't need an office anymore, Pop
I'm living off the cream now
I sell a little insurance once in a while!
or move a nice piece of real estate whenever I need some fast cash!
but mostly I play
Well, I must say, Eddie, you look like a playboy
[ Chuckles ] We get to my place!
give you a nice steam, a little Jacuzzi, a rubdown
A nice, hot shower will be fine, Eddie
What are you talking about? It's free It comes with the rent
I got a masseur who'll make you feel like a kid again
[ Laughs ]
Really good to see you again, Pop
- Thank you, Eddie - [ Chuckles ]
Hi there
- Beautiful, Eddie - Oh, it's a nice place to live
- Oh Billiards? - Yeah
We got everything
What's this?
- This is the pool out here, Pop - Oh
Tonto, see the pool? Wanna take a dip?
Yeah Nice, huh?
- Great scenery - I know what you mean
Yeah [ Laughing ]
- Sun always out here? - Oh, yeah, yeah
Well, you know, we have a few cloudy days, but nothing like back east
- Hey - Oh
Very attractive, Eddie Very nice
Yeah Yeah
There's a 2 4-hour marathon encounter session this weekend
- It's a great way to get laid - Huh?
It's a great way to get laid, Pop
[ Meows ]
- Eddie - Yeah?
- Tonto is thirsty - Huh? Oh Right Right
Let's get a little water for Tonto
- Yeah Got a bowl right here - [ Water Running ]
[ Chuckling ]
Eddie, my check arrive yet?
Oh,yeah. Yup.
Over there on the table, Pop
[ Chuckling ] Yeah, look at old Tonto
Uh, I figured we could stay in this place at first, Pop
The couches, they pull out
And then, if it gets too crowded, we could get a one-bedroom
That goes for two and a half
But there's no sense in rushing things
I'm too old for this place, Eddie
Oh, come on, Pop
I figured we could split the rent That comes to one and a quarter each
You broke, Eddie?
I'm a little low Yeah, Pop, I'm a little low right now
- That's no good - Aw, come on, Pop
No, Eddie, I have to find a place of my own Please, Eddie
I wouldn't make it here for two weeks
I don't know where I'll go
Maybe I'll go up and see the kids in Colorado
[ Sighs ]
Pop, I'm on my ass
I'll tell you what I'll do
I'll call Burt up and have him take a thousand out of my account
- Wouldn't want Burt to know - Oh, what the hell is the difference?
All right, Burt won't know
I'll tell him it's for me
Have a nice view here, Eddie
Maybe too nice
Why don't you call Ellen?
Oh, that's over, Pop That's all over
Stay with me, huh?
Eddie, what are you afraid of?
I'm scared when I go out on a job
I'm afraid I'll blow it before I've even started
Eddie, would you make mine a mild scotch and water?
With a twist
- You remember - Yeah
Hey!
maybe we could get a place out on the Strip
Eddie, I'd be glad to help you with money
[ Chuckles ]
Where you gonna go?
Oh, I don't know
I'm not going back to New York
That's not good for me anymore
No
[ Sobbing ]
Come on Come on, come on
Eddie, come on
You'll get back on your feet
- I'm sorry, Pop - It's all right It's all right
- Tell you what - [ Sobbing Continues ]
I'll help you find a place!
you help me find a place
You know a good broker?
I'm a broker
Listen, I just don't think we should live together
I want to see you make a life for yourself----
work, wife, kids
Yeah
[ Patting Back ]
[ Chuckles ]
- Good morning, Harry - Morning, Anatol
- Good morning - Morning, Anatol
I-I don't accept any of that ''life is a river, life is a fountain'' routine
Perhaps philosophically it makes sense
But man has to struggle, or he'll drown in the river
You won't drown if you flow with the river
It's your move
Maybe a yogi won't drown What about the man in Cleveland, Ohio?
Or Santa Monica, California?
It's all the same
I have a son in Cleveland
It's not all the same
If it were all the same, nothing would be different
Nothing is different
Am I different than you are?
Only your appearance Underneath, we're all the same
- Bullshit - [ Chuckling ]
[ Laughing ] Harry, I know you breathe air, and that I breathe air
It's the same air, no matter who you are
A-Are you saying!
that the air here!
is the same as the air in town?
[ Laughing ] That's crazy
You drive to town, you can't even see, it's so black
- Anatol, he's talking about philosophical air - Oh
- No, I'm not - Check
Air! is air, for everybody
What about animals?
Animals can't reason
You don't know Tonto.
- [ Grunts ] - Hmm
Tonto doesn't look so good
[ Meows ]
Take care of my set
What's the matter with Tonto?
##Roamin'in the gloamin'##
& On the bonny banks o' Clyde &
& Roamin' in the gloamin' &
& With my lassie by my side &
& When the sun goes down to rest &
& That's the time that we love best &
& Oh, it's lovely &
& Roamin' in &
& The gloamin' &&
Who was that, Tonto?
Right
Sir Harry Lauder
So long, kiddo
[ Harry ] ""Dear Leroy...
""Hope you are well.
""Tonto passed away.
""He was 1 1 years old...
""which made him 77 by our count.
""He had a good life.
''If you haven't found a job yet!
''you oughta think about coming out here
- ''I'm living at the beach - Come on
- ''No smog, lots of sunshine - Come on
''I haven't been mugged yet
''I'm working three afternoons a week!
tutoring high school kids----''
- These are my children - I see
They expect me every day, rain or shine
Oh----You live here?
Yes
Oh, this used to be some neighborhood
- Are you Jewish? - [ Chuckles ] No
I'm into Zen Buddhism these days
I used to keep a kosher table, but I'm not particular anymore
- You got friends here? - Yeah, a few
I live alone. But isn't it silly?
I got two beautiful rooms overlooking the water Why should one go empty?
Why don't you rent it?
So move in with me
[ Laughs ] You know, that's an interesting proposition
Two can live cheaper than one
Between your check and mine, we could be on easy street
- [ Laughs ] - I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet
- Hey, mister, what's your name? - Harry
I'm Celia
You wanna chase around a little bit? It's okay
Run around all you want I just want somebody to share the expenses
That's a very generous offer I'm gonna think about it
It's ridiculous to cook for one person.
My best dishes I don't make anymore 'cause I'm alone
I eat a lot of canned food
Oh Canned food It's a crime
- Do you like boiled beef? - Love it
- But I think my favorite dish is Hungarian goulash - Oy
I can't believe it
If you hadn't told me, Harry, I'd have thought you were Jewish
[ Both Laughing ]
Hey Stupid
Come here and get your breakfast
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty
All right, all right
What's your name, kiddo? Huh?
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