I love women.
But, like a lot.
So much, I actually get kinda emotional when I talk about this. I'm Sorry.
I think it's because I have so much respect for women.
I mean if women are reigning the world, how much better off would we be?
I'm kinda like the biggest feminist there is..
anyway when I'm holding a woman and I got one hand behind the back of her neck..
and two fingers up inside her and I'm just tweaking that G-spot ..
and I'm playing like a Stradivarius
and I watch her writhe in ectasy
I mean that's like a religious experience
and I'm not gonna lie to ya. I don't think ...
Picasso or Da Vinci has done anything more inspired than I do when I'm with a woman.
In my own small way, I've made a contribution ...
I've made the world.. just..
a little bit better.
I guess ...
I exist ...
to please women.
That's it.
Thank you, Rachel.
That was impressive.
Very.
It almost sound like you believe what you're saying.
Almost, ja.
Okay. You know what, I'm about to feel insulted here..
Not only I believe what I'm saying..
but what you just heard, that's my credo.
Pleasing woman, is your credo?
It is. It's my credo! Tell 'em , Andy.
Yes, yes, that is.. that is.. is his credo.
He's told me many times, that it's his credo.
What is your credo, Andy?
Uhh, ya know, I don't know if I can really sum up ...
my whole value system in a couple of sentences. It's quite complex.
Give it a shot, buddy. Okay?
Okay. I umm.. Well, I umm...
I believe in err.. I believe in justice..
and uh.. I think that everyone has the right to aa..
- To assemble. - We have to go to the bathroom ...
And make a little.. pee-pee.
Eva.
Okay. Don't be long~ We'll miss you~
What the fuck are you talking about?
- What the fuck am I? What the fuck are you talking about? - Me?
I don't remember what that was. I stopped listening. I zoned out.
I'm looking at you. You're saying words that dont make sense..
Andy, do me a favor. Just pay attention, okay?
We're this close to "Pussy Town".
This close. We're sitting at the gas station right outside the "Pussy Town"..
with an orange crush and a slim jim and we're gonna cruise on in to "Pussy Town".
Please stop saying "Pussy Town".
Listen, I am rusty. Alright.
I don't know what you expect. I am rusty.
But they are stewardess.
From Lufthansa!
GROUP SEX
No, goddammit. I mean what the fu-
I mean look ...
God! Look at you! Look at you.
You are sexy and you're gorgeus and you're...
Guys, I'm insane that I'm not into this right now. You know? I mean..
- What are we doing here? - We're enjoying it, Andy.
We're having fun.
No! It's not fun for me. No, it's not!
You know, it's not fun for me unless.. unless..
I feel something. And I don't.
I don't feel anything.
You know, I don't care about you, at all.
Urgh, I'm sorry.
Fine.
Just.. eat me out?
Morning sunshine!
If these are'nt the fluffiest, the most delicious pancakes on the planet.
I had to batter the eggs and the milk. And I thought
You know what, how do I wake these up?
Baking powder. A'ight.
But I want that butter milk flavor. The butter's the key.
Ya. Please, please. Tell me it's not you.
Oh, I got this maple syrup from this guy in Vermont, off eBay.
The farmer only makes 40 bottles a year ...
it's like a freaking Lorenzo's oil.
Is that Inge from last night?
Oh yea yea yea, I recorded em on my site. Stored 'em on my 80 gig.
Mine did'nt work out. I sent her home.
Yea you did. Home to papa.
700 Dinki Doughnuts franchise around the country.
You don't mention that?
You give me robots tossing giant doughnuts on a skyscraper..
doughnuts spaceships.. shooting..
lasers at robots.
- Doughnuts and robots. - Robots and Donuts.
- Doughnuts and robots.
Who do these little cartoons?
Oh, it's a.. it's Andy. He's got an eye.
That's it?
I keep hearing what an amazing, creative team you are..
- I dont see it. - Oh, Come on now Alan ...
these are my.. these are my "A-Team".
You said you wanted a fresh.. these guys are more plugged into the culture more than anybody I've got.
Oh maybe I should plug my business into another agency..
because they guys clearly miscalculated.
Looks like you guys miscalculated. That happens.
You know we did. We tried the robots and doughnuts idea..
We thought it would be hot.. sticky..
They went for sticky and hot.
We thought it would have 'Pop".
It should have "Pop", didn't "Pop". I've never seen anything like it. It happens.
What.. What is funny, is that this is our plan B.
We have a plan A, along the lines of what you've been talking about.
You know.. tradition and quality. Give us a couple of days.
A couple of days. A few days. Err, two days.
- Two days is good. - Two days ...
That's all they need. Two days. You can do that. Ya?
No.
- Excuse me? - I mean yeah, we can come up with something else. No problem.
But it's not gonna be as good as this.
Oh, wait a minute..
No! This is really good ...
really creative, out-of-the-box stuff here..
and if you can't see that, I dont think it's our problem.. I think that's your problem.
And maybe this isn't the right agency for you. Cause I tell you something..
It's not about wether or not your doughtnot is delicious..
It's about you bringing your brand into the 21st century.
This is bullshit, Jerry.
What the fuck! Was that?
Guys.. Guys..
Fine, you got me.
We'll do it your way.
Personally I don't get it, but uh.. we'll pitch my dad.
God, you guys got balls.
Oh yea, they got two.. four big ball.
big..
Incredible.
That was.. amazing.
I don't want to say it but I'm proud of you man.
I don't know which way it's gonna go..
you played that guy perfectly.
Perfectly, man!
I was'nt playing him. Jerry.
I'm just sick with the bullshit in my life
- Good for you. - Yeah, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of the one-night stand..
I'm tired of.. of crashing at your place for the past six months..
and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself ...
because my fiancée slept with some dick from the gym
and then dump me after 5 fantastic years together.
Good, vent!
- I just.. I'm taking a stand against bullshit. - Get it out.
- You want to know what my credo is, Jerry? - What's that?
No more bullshit.
I love that credo. Great, let's celebrate that credo tonight.
I've got an amazing situation lined up for us tonight.
- Jerry. - Yeah?
Why shouldn't you just, get the slightest bit sick of me? Little bit?
Sick of you? No.
We work together, we live together ...
we hang out together every night ...
it.. that's not healthy.
- What's not healthy? - Us!
- What're you saying? What, you got plans tonight? - Yes
Okay. Good. What are we doing?
Thank you.
- Fucker! - Sorry, sorry.
Hey, hey wait!
What, Jerry?
Yea listen up, Phoebe, Giselle and the girls ...
want to talk about airbrushing and retouching
and I told my art director was on his way
Uh-huh.
Listen, get your ass back to "Pussy Town" man, we're about to play "Spin the models".
Alright. Sounds good, man. Have a good time!
Alright, bye!
First time?
Uhh, yeah.
Burton.
Andy.
Did you call Helen to let her know you're coming?
No, actually.
Just wandered off the street?
- Kinda, yea. - Fate.
Shall we?
They're not gonna bite.
Unless you ask them nicely.
Okay everybody. Let's take our seat.
It's an exciting day.
We have somebody brand new wants to come and join the group.
Please come sit down, right here. There's a chair for you.
Ladies and gentlemen. May I introduce, Andy.
- Hi, Andy. - Hi, Andy.
And Andy would like permission to join our group. Any objections?
Okay. Welcome.
I would like to start the introduction.
I'm Burton ...
And I'm a sex addict.
I'm Tiffany, I'm a sex addict too.
But I'm celebrating 94 days now.
I'm Franny. I'm addicted to love ...
and I love to love bad men.
My name is Herman, December 10th..
I'll have 19 years hooker-free.
I'm Ramon, you know why I'm here.
Hye. Donny. Sex addict.
Unemployed, compulsive masturbator. How's everyone doing?
Hi, I'm Vanessa ...
and I am addicted to sex.
Dude, this is genious. Why did'nt we think of this before?
I mean this is better than the Pilates, Bible study. That book club that we joined.
Tell me about this chick.
What's this nymphit? What's her kink?
Hey, her name is Vanessa ...
and she is a sex and love addict.
Okay, so what's she into? Last bottom boat? Space docking?
velging, cleveland steamer, the blumpkin..
the chilly dog, the rusty trambones,
the dirty sanchez.. What's she like?
What is wrong with you?
Jerry, it's a disease. Okay?
- Can we show her some respect, please? - A "Disease"?
It's not a disease, Andy.
A disease is when you wake up with some chick..
and she got crusted cheese in her underwear. She's got to go to the hospital.
That's a disease.
You're really into this nymph. Good for you.
You know what, this is something that's.. that's weird..
she said she recently left Jumbo's Clown Room.. right..
and that this Jumbo's Clown Room was ...
this really dangerous place for her.
And I know, it's gotta be a metaphor for something.. but I think..
What, is she like..traumatized by party clown? When she was a kid or something?
- Jumbo's Clown Room huh? - Yeah, Jumbo's Clown Room.
Maybe that's what she call her vagina. Maybe it's just so big and so much fun
Jerry, don't make fun of her. It's very sad.
[ Jumbo's Clown Room ]
No, no, no, no, no. I'm telling ya' this is a terrible coincidence.
There's no way she worked here.
Do you have any idea how much cash this chicks reeks in every night?
Please, it does not matter, I'm telling you there's no way Vanessa worked here.
Vanessa worked here.
She seals my heart at.
Oh.. this is sad Andy, you're right. Oh, so sad..
Alright, alright, alright she used to work here. Right?
which means that she quit..
which means.. that she's making real progress. Thank you.
Yea, so was I. Hey, keep digging. OK?
We haven't struck oil yet.
- Pretty sure this is illegal, man. - Okay.
Have you ever dated a nice guy?
We're not really taking about me right now, but..
that's the thing
What are you doing?
Can you see that?
What?
Oh, someone is doing something huge today.
Earth shattering.
Lives changing huge.
What is it?
He's here.
Who?
You.
Okay everybody, let's come together..
we have a limited amount of time.
So, after.. after I.. you know, pleasured myself..
in every room in the apartment ...
and also the.. the laundry room..
- And the lobby - Right.
A couple of times, I needed to get out..
so I.. I went to get my haircut.
- You looks great. - Thanks man.
- But err, you know how they gave you a shampoo beforehand.. - It's very creamy.
Favourite part.
And err, the woman they have there ...
she really gets in there, on the scalp, and she really rubs your head..
and she smells good, and the shampoo smells so good.
and I'm wearing an apron right? So I.. I figured..
Who's gonna notice?
- She noticed. - Duh~
Ramon.
That's my second strike.
- Did she call the cop? - Yeah.
One more.. and I'm doing serious time.
Then if that's true, Donny?
What is your bottomline, this coming week?
- Only at home. - Here's the question..
Can you handle that?
- I think that I can. - I know you can.
Because I've been getting into the whole condiment things, lately.
- Oh, tell us about that. - It's all in my fridge.
It's genious, right?
Mayo' I mean that's a given. That's old school.
The kids are doing that, but the mustard ...
what? Totally.
Tabasco sauce you have to be careful with..
because if it gets in your urethra, burn the shit out of ya'..
Yea, right at the tip of the penis.
But the.. relish ..
relish!
because it's bumpy.
Good meeting girls.
See you next week.
Uh excuse me, Vanessa.
I was wondering maybe sometime you'd be interested in getting a cup of coffee with me or something?.. and..
Andy!
Hey, I'm Herman, this is Donny.
- Hey. - Hey.
Donny.
Err, we're gonna get something to eat..
- Good, have fun. - Yeah..
- We are.. gonna get something to eat. - Yeah.
There's this place down by where I live..
they've got a whole section devoted exclusively to the anus.
And I'm not talking about gay anus..
I'm talking hetero' anus.
They've got like a thousand title..
One month I spent $ 2,000 in there..
I maxed up my Visa, Mastercard, Optima..
What can I say, I'm a tush man..
You know, the asshole is the new vagina.
Yes it is.
Hey. Here's a little tush for the tush man, hmm?
- Hey Mr, Cleavage. - Hello.
I gotta' a date tonight.
What do you think? I mean, you know ...
I can like, put 'em like this..
or maybe push 'em in and.. lift 'em up at the same time.
Those are all good options ...
but I.. I think that's erm.. false advertising..
because that's not what they're gonna look like, for realsies when I get up in there.
I will fuck you in half, you little pygmy.
Who's the new meat? Hurm~
Urm, Lisa, this is Andy.
- Hey, Andy. - Hi.
- What's your kink? - I'm sorry? What's my kink?
Ya, come on, man. I've been serving these sickos for years.. please..
This one, beats his dick like it owes him money.
That one, would drill a hole in a ham and fuck it.
What's you thing, Andy? What's your freaky freaky thang'?
Well, to be completely honest with you, I'm not into the freaky freaky.
Yeah, me neither.
I was in there for a second, I was really in there.
Back in a minute.
Donny, how's that only at home going for ya'.
He tries.
Listen, I'm gonna get going. So thanks a lot for everything..
No, I just want to talk with ya' up first, Andy..
I noticed that you've err...
taken a special interest in Vanessa..
- Vanessa? No, I haven't.. - Well, I would'nt blame ya.
I mean she's beautiful, smart, funny ...
talented, I mean.. makes sense.
But, a couple of months ago, she was a mess.
And she was strippin' every night at Jumbo's.
And uh, she's come a long way..
because of the group. I got her a job ...
with Dr. Pete Craig, he's a veterinarian.
We got her to move out of Luke's place and..
she's really a set. I am very proud of her.
That's why we have an ironclad rule..
you can not date anyone else in the group ...
ever.
Not negotiable.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Oh yeah, no, no, I understand.
Yeah.
Hey, guys, what did I miss?
Oh, I was giving him the talk.
Oh, the talk, good.
How did it go?
I think Andy understands it very, very well.
- Good. - Hey, you guys finished it here?
- You want me to wrap this up, to go? - Yes, please.
Oh, can i get a side of relish in it to go?
I will kick you in the cunt, you little douche.
Well, we're out of relish.
- Oh no, you did'nt. - Urgh, what a discovery man.
That freak is like the Christopher Columbus of wacking off..
I had it rested between my legs ...
looks like a dodger dodge.
- What else did you learn? - Nothing.
Nothing? What did you mean with nothing? You're breaking breads with this sickos..
- You're an honorary pervert. - Yeah, that's exactly the problem, because they
have all this rules. The worst one is that members can't date other member.
I don't know who am I kidding. This is impossible.
Oww, nothing's impossible man. This rules don't apply to you.
So you can't date other member that you meet in the group, meet her somewhere else.
This one.. I'm thinking of taking it home myself.
- Uh huh.. - She's fixed..
looking for a loving home, she's just got all her shots.
I don't think so.
Are you sure? They dont get any sweeter, don't they?
- I can see that. - There's no one sweeter than me~..
Well, what kind of dog are you looking for?
Well.. injured.
Tell you what.
You help me make a good impression..
I scratch your tummy for you.
Like this. This is a little taste of it.
Like that?
You like when I scratch your tummy..
Oh shit. Oh Shit!
- Hey. - Hi.
Uh, wow! What a coincidence.
It's me, Andy, from the meetings.
Yeah.
Yea, I know who you are.
An accident, on me.
So crazy running into you like this. I can't believe this.
You know what, I think you made a mistake.
You wrote Andy down, as the dog's name.
Yea, yeah, it's name Andy too. Yea, we're both, we're both Andy.
You know, he's really a.. sweet and, and caring, and just a great companion..
You know that Andy all he wants is love.
You mean "she."
- Yeah, she of course. - Okay.
So, what is the matter with.. Andy?
Arh, her leg.
It's missing.
It's very sad.
But you.. are working with animals and helping them.. That's amaz..
- How rewarding is.. - Why are you here?
I really wanna grab that coffee with you sometime.
And I've been out with Herman and Donny, and they gave me the whole talk ...
so I know all the rules .. but..
you ran out before I got a chance to tell you ...
I'm not an addict..
so there's really no problem with us..
You're not.. a sex addict?
I know, I sound really crazy but ...
listen..
I'm a good person ..
and I just really want to get to know you better.
Well, I can't discuss this here..
but I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow. Alright?
The doctor will be right in. Bye, Andy. Bye baby.
I can handle the Halitosis..
But I don't know guys, if I can commit..
to a man who falls asleep..
during foreplay.
Two hours of Cunnilingus is a lot to ask..
- Of any man. - Maybe that's where he gets the Halitosis.
Seriously, not to mention the lockjaw, man.
My jaw hurts just hearing that story, am I right?
- Ramon.. - Yes, I'm sorry.
Thank you so much for your insight.
Vanessa, I think you're up.
Well, I got a gig of my own.
Great.
The place was a total dive, and there's like, I don't know, three people there but ...
it's the first thing that I've done without Luke as my manager.
Is that douchebag still holding your demo tape hostage?
Yea, he still has the demo tape but there's really nothing I can do about that ...
But you know what I can do, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm moving out, I'm moving in with Tiff.
Roommates!
- Sleepover! - That is wonderful.
Alright now for you, the next time you fall in love with somebody..
he's gonna be a guy that take care of you ...
who will not manipulate you with sex ...
- Am I right? - I did meet someone recently.
Could you tell us about that?
Well actually it's someone right here in this room.
Yea, this person ...
Has made me realize how ready I am to meet a decent, honorable guy.
And that's because he's not decent or honorable.
He saw me sing ...
Came looking for me at Jumbo's ...
he did'nt think that I knew about that, but I did.
And he came to see me at work yesterday pretending it was a coincidence.
And when I walk into the examination room..
I caught him spanking it through his pant in front of a crippled dog.
I was not!
Who are you and what are you doing here?
This is the only place in my life where I feel completely safe.
And if you're just gonna come in here and ruin it for me..
then you better have a damn good explanation.
Hell yeah, you better have a good explanation.
You better start talking right now bro, I don't hear anything.
Come on, man. Say something.
Excuse me, young man...
Don't you feel compelled to answer any of those allegations?
Guess what guys, I'm not a sex addict.
Bullshit!
I'm only here.. because I wanted to meet Vanessa.
I saw her sing that night ...
and then I followed her here.
Yea, right, okay, it's clear as it got.
You go cruising..
you meet a stranger, become obsessed ...
you stalk her..
you masturbate in her office ...
textbook. Please, please. Welcome.
- What? It's not textbook, it's crazy ... - Andy, Andy..
- It's time to come clean, man. - What?
Be honest with yourself, you lying piece of shit!
- Come on, bro. Spit it out. - Andy ...
this is what we call an "intervention."
No, no, no Herman, this is my girl and..
and he lied to us, and he used us..
and for that, you are going down!
I did'nt do anything. What?
Alright, alright, fine! I am a sex crazed..
a sexy, horny
a sex.. sex monkey, okay?
- Is that what you want to hear? - Yes, that's what we want to hear.
Squeeze it out. Push it out. Purge yourself!
I'll squeeze, I'll squeeze! You want to hear some squeeze?
I'll tell ya' this ...
I, I, I love women. I love women! Alright?!
I live to please.. them! Alright?!
And when I.. when I work that G-Spot ..
you know, when I..
when I do that ... It's like "boom"!
Mr. G-Spot! That's what they call me.
-What do they call me?! - Mr. G-Spot!
-What do they fuckin' call me?! - Mr. G-Spot!
That's right. Mr. G-Spot!
I live in "Pussy Town".
Yeah, I live in ...
- I'm on the city council of "Pussy Town". - I know what you mean.
Oh, my tongue, my tongue. I'll tell you about my tongue!
The things I do with my tongue. Oh yes!..
I can lick with it ...
and I.. I suck with it ...
yeah, yeah!
so ...
- Andy.. - What?
Welcome home.
Watch this takes. It's where it builds. It's dynamic.
Oh, you've tweaked that, dog~
It gets better. So what do you guys think?
It was.. what was it Andy?
Perff, dreadful.
Err.. What didn't you like about it?
We do not like ...
the part where you were...
pressing the keys down and making noise.
Everything else was spot on, you know, the hair ...
love that, love that you were spitting while you were singing..
River's got half his Breakfast in his beard ...
I love to know what he have for breakfast this morning.
- That was good. - That was good~.
So err, mangled spitting, singing, those were good notes.
Good meeting, guys. Let's crank it up!
What? Come on.
- They are a great musical team. - I know, I know...
I'm not worried about them..
Vanessa is just...
Look, Andy. I'm not gonna lie to ya'. This is a rough situation.
I mean, maybe I'm missing something..
but, this girl is.. a sex addict.
Right? Which mean she is addicted to sex.
Hello? Low hanging fruit! Pull it off the goddamn tree already!
Are you listening to anything I'm saying?
- She hates me. - I know, she hates you! Which is a good thing.
Hatred is like foreplay for this sex monsters.
You know you belong in these meetings. You know that right?
You should have seen what kind of freak they thought I was when I started talking like you
Okay. Well you clearly used me out of context.. 'cause..
what I have is a gift, not a disease.
- Oh, you're a gift? - Yes!
Every woman has at least one thing that gets her highly excitable.
I find out what that one thing is and I work it.
Until ecstasy is the inevitable result. Exactly!
This is a skill that very few possess.
It's a God given talent, Andy.
You know what, I'll clarify at the next meeting.
Yea.. Wait. What? No..
Hey, hey. Look, look right here. That is never going to happen. You understand that? You are never ever coming to a meeting with me. You got it?
You know what you need? Fresh perspective.
Come on, look at the way she controls that beast with her thigh muscles.
That's the way they talk to the horses, you know. With the thigh muscles.
That's good.
Oh man, women who ride horses are super sexualized. That's a fact.
And that's why young girls loves unicorn.
It's essentially white horses with a dick on its' head.
It's a no brainer. We go down to the equestrian centre..
we stand on the side of the field, we wait for them to just ride around to get wet and ready.
That's what riding does, it gets them all wet and ready.
What? I'm serious.
When that chick gets off her horse, she's gonna go rub one out.
And we'll be the only thing standing between that horse and that chick..
doing her beef trips.
Oh, please don't say "beef trips."
Look at them bounce. I love it.
- Hello? - Who's that?
- Donny. - Is that relish?
- Tell him I'm a fan. I'm a fan relish! - Shut up.
- Yea, what's the problem? - Andy, get off the phone. Come on man, fresh perspective.
- There's a problem with Herman. - Who the fuck's Herman?
- It's one of the guys in the group. - Oh, come on. The hell's with them, let's go!
- Wait, hooker!? - Andy, Andy. Come on man, the jumpers alone cost me $300.
Are you coming?
- There he is, there he is. - Oh, alright.
- What's going on? - A'ight, here's the situation..
he's been in his van for almost an hour. We tried to talk him down.
- Nothing's working, bro. -I.. I thought he called you guys for help?
- Yea, he did. - Yes, there is.. there was a phone call, yes..
but then he just got this far away sound in his voice and he was cut off.
like he wasn't himself anymore and now he won't even answer his cellphone.
He totally shut us down, bro.
- What's up with that pant? Seriously. - You ride?
Look, he'll listen to you, okay? 'Cause you've been there before..
- But we're ... - Don't look at 'em, bro..
It is such a friendly neighborhood. I gotta go. I'm in a good place right now..
and it's just not good to be here. So I'm gonna bolt, good luck!
Seriously brother, this place is way too cheap, man..
you can get blonde for a bucket of chicken and I just got paid, brother.
- We're out of here. - What do you guys mean, you guys gotta bolt?
What am I supposed to.. I don't know what to say to him.
We're gay! We're gay!
You gotta be..!
Go away!
Alright.
So, what's.. what's going on?
Whatever it is that you did..
it's.. it's done now..
Why don't we just go home?
I did'nt.. fucking.. do anything yet.
What do you mean?
Rock ...
Are we going to do some business or what?
It stinks like rat poison back here ...
and I didn't agree to no threeway.
You guys are kinky and little jocky? No-uh, that's extra.
Did you forget how to blow?
- Fuck you, Ramon. - You're not allowed, remember?
Shut up.
A hundred long lonely nights of celibacy.
Three things got me through.
My waterpick,
breaking boards to the head,
and seein' your ugly faces every week.
That really killed my sex drive. I love you guys!
And love you too, Tiffany.
What are you freaks celebrating, huh?
Let me guess. You all got together, jizz on a cookie..
and you got to eat 'em, huh, mericon'..
I love you guys. I love you...
because you all wants to fuck me..
and that's incredibly good for my self-esteem.
I'll go cut this up.
You know my self-esteem is not that high ...
but it would be a lot lower if it were'nt for a special someone...
who got my ass out of a very sticky situation.
- To Andy. - No, I'm talking bout the hooker.
She's lookin' hot!
To Andy!
- It's raining. - I know.
- I drive a scooter. - Youre gonna get wet.
Damn it, open the door!
- I'll be just a minute. - Take your time.
Most of 'em are sleeping. It's just this little girl right here...
who has a hard time. Yea, baby.
It's okay, Paula Abdul. I'm here now.
She only falls asleep in my arms.
Are you on the clock right now?
What am I supposed to do?
You know I think I might have misjudged you.
Yeah?
You're even sicker than I thought.
You're home late.
Jesus Jerry, you scared the shit out of me.
Anywhere on your calendar does it says "Drinks with Reeves?
Oh shit. I'm sorry, man.
I totally forgot about that.
Yea, apparently he was going to talk with us about something important, something about our future..
Is he gonna make us partner?
Oh, I don't know, we were'nt there to find out.
What I do know, is that Dinki Donuts would be the biggest account that Reeves' ever had
- Yea, I know. - I also know that right now we have no shot at it.
Why?
Well, maybe it's because you're doing it again, Andy.
You're changing, you're becoming the object of your affection.
Will the real Andy grow a sack of nuts and be counted for
who you are instead of who you're with.
Alright, you're talking out your ass.
Andy, I've known you since forever. This is your fatal flaw.
With women you're a.. you're a chameleon like one of those color changing lizards.
I know what a chameleon is, Jerry.
Come here. Sit down, I want to show you something I've been working on a long time.
Andrew.
[ Andy Youngman : Man of 1,000 Faces]
So ...
First, there was Heidi. Rar-rarr.
Getting all tubular and gnarly with Zoey.
I think she dumped you two weeks after I took this photo if my memory serves.
Throwin' down mad rhymes with Tisha.
Aww, My. Earthy Poet Man.
See, I.. I can't even find you in this photo.
Come one, where the fuck are ya'?
Imagine that.
Whoops, wait a second. That's not supposed to be in there.
And finally, Cynthia.
Or as I'd like to call her, Medusa ...
- The devil woman. - Stop.
She was so much more deceptive than the others ...
because with her, see you looked like Andy ...
but you were'nt Andy.
It was like "Invasion body snatching pussy"
Okay, thank you. You made your point.
Andy, what happened to your credo?
Huh, no more bullshit? What happen to that?
I mean, we've got a fuckin' three legged dog.
Named Andy.
I love you.
Come on, pinky swear me right now..
that you are finished with these perverts.
I'm not gonna pinky anything with you.
I'm making real progress with Vanessa.
In case you haven't noticed, that's important to me.
I promise you this:
I will not lose sight of who I really am. Okay?
I just got obsessed by little men.
I'm addicted to hand jobs... from men.
My cock understands me.
I got really into mail order brides.
I don't know what ...
that old man wanted.
It was hard to hear through the oxygen mask.
I started caressing his penis, I couldn't help it.
I kept going to see them little midget at them circus.
I'm not gay.
Just lazy.
The next thing I know, I was just being..
escorted out of the funeral parlor.
The smell of tapioca just..
it made my dick hard.
When it gets angry, it kinda look like..
Karl Malden's nose, you know, kinda' bulbous.
I can not stop. I have to have it.
He said "Hey man, I'm not gay."
And I'm like, "Shit, that's.. that's just good business." You know.
I had two of them fucked me in that little midget car.
I mean, little people.
People look at you funny if you pull your cock out in public.
Thanks. Thanks alot. It was awesome.
Oh my god. She lived in this dump with that animal for 2 years.
Where's this animal now?
He's at work. We're good.
So where's.. where's the demo.. where did she say it was?
She said there, in the bedroom.
There are weapons on the table, fellas.
I don't feel good about this.
This is not our places.
Okay. Let's go.
It smells like old socks.
I think I'm havin' a panic attack.
I have it.
Let's get out of here before the animal gets back.
Oh shit.
So, which one of you called me an animal?
Too ugly. Too fat.
So, you. You must the one doin' her.
Sweet piece of ass, huh?
Hey, animal, watch your mouth.
Yea, that's not necessary, man.
" Not necessary ?"
Check out the white knight protecting his lady's honor.
You care to duel, "Sir Puss Alot"?
Yea, duel him.
I'm talking to you, ass hat.
Yea, I heard you. No, no I don't care to duel.
Besides, there's three of us..
So we can kick your ass.
Donny, get back here right now.
What do you got there?
Those happen to be my demos, that I produced..
spent six grand on.
Fuck it. She can have 'em.
That girl got no talent.
Tell her I'm keeping the mattress tho'...
as a souvenir.
It's the only place she was ever any use to me.
Okay, we'll tell her.
If I ever see you fella again it won't go so friendly.
- You got that, "Puss"? - We got it.
No, no, no. He was talking to Andy. He was calling Andy a pussy.
I don't think you understand or appreciate the urgency of the situation.
We fly to Phoenix in two days to pitch the campaign.
- Two days. So just tell me that we're still a team. - Yeah, Jerry. Yes, of course we're a team.
You're the talent, and I'm the salesman.
If you don't do your job, I have nothing to sell.
Your priorities are way out of whack.
You're spending every second with these t-baggers and chicken chokers and..
- They're taking over our lives. -That is not true.
- It is not true. - Okay, well, show...
What? We needed an office guy.
- What are you doing? - Come here.
I wrote a song for you.
You're kidding me.
You rescued my demo tape. It's the least I could do.
Oh, I heard you were very gallant by the way..
"Sir Puss-Alot"?
Yea..
But I really.. I really didn't do anything.
Actually, you kinda' did.
I sent it to a couple of producers and this guy want me to showcase
at a party tomorrow night.
Tomorrow? That's incredible.
Alright, alright. Just shut up and listen to my song.
I can't believe you wrote a song for me.
"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU"
"THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND"
"SOMETHING IN THE WAY YOU FEEL"
"WHEN I HOLD YOU IN MY HAND"
"SOMEDAY SOON SURE AS YOUR GLAZE"
"THAT SHINES FOR ALL TO SEE"
"WE'LL BE TOGETHER"
"MY DINKI DONUTS"
"DINKI DONUTS"
"AND I.."
Wow.
It's not good, I know that.
Donny just.. he told me that you guys are struggling..
so I came up with something as a joke. Really.
No, no, I don't think you were joking.
You hated it, right?
Actually, urm..
I kinda' loved it.
No way.
Yes way.
Andy, why do you seduce all those women?
Multiple partners is not what turns me on.
It gets in the way with what really matters..
intimacy, romances, commitment.
Yes, yes. I think, that is exactly what ...
I have a friend.. a friend who believes in all that stuff you believes in.
He was.. he was supposed to get married to this woman, Cynthia..
but six weeks before the wedding..
she sleeps with some guy from the gym..
- And dumps him. - Oh god.
And he was completely destroyed. But even after all that..
he still believes in true love.
And even love at first sight.
- Oh, he sounds like a great guy. - He's a great guy.
He just gave his heart to the wrong girl, that's all.
A great guy.
So you tell me, Mr. G-Spot..
What makes you such a good lover?
I.. pay attention.
That's the secret.
I mean, every woman has at least..
one thing.. that, you know, makes her highly excitable. So..
I just.. I find out what that one thing is and work it until..
ecstasy is the inevitable result.
You know what gets me highly excitable?
Red wine, Merlot.
A guy all sweaty after work out,
smelling like a man.
Red wine, sweaty, that's good stuff. Interesting.
My feet.
If you give me a foot massage..
And I will lose all control.
Feet.
Why don't you show me one of your secret.
Okay.
Oh my god.
I bet you make girls crazy just by doing this.
- I'm being a bad girl, right now? - Ya, me too.
I.. gotta go.
- Am I going somewhere with you.. or..? - No..
We both have big days tomorrow.
- Good luck with your pitchy, Andy. - Wait.
Why she just turn me off like that?
You know, she tells me all this things that gets her off..
Like a Merlot..
a guy all sweaty after a work out..
a foot massage..
Why would she tell me if she wasn't into me?
I don't know.
This is only the most important day of our professional lives.
Let's get our head in the game, okay?
Vitamins. Vitamins.
Lets get real.
I was wrong. Alright?
Your ideas are great, really sharp and err..
Well, you know, I don't know what that lingo, but err...
I think my dad's gonna like your pitch.
You've got big balls, kid.
Hung like a grandfather clock.
Take good care of this guys, Ted.
Might have to steal them away from you.
Hey, don't.. don't threaten me, Alan. No, no, cause I'm making these two guys partners.
Yeah!
- Salud! - Here we are.
- Sandy. - Hey Alan, how are you?
- Yea, good. - Good.
Good evening, gentlemen. How are you?
We have a great sushi buffet on board..
and some dynamite wine you're just gonna' love.
But there's another plane behind us on the runway and we are on a tight schedule.
I bet I can find a hole in that tight schedule.
Red Eye to Cleveland last week.
Sex on the airplane. That happens.
Excuse me.
I think we all realized what he was talking about.
Okay, alright, alright.
Jerry, you are such an idiot ...
- Hello? - Leave me alone!
- Who is this? - Andy, thank God!
Herman and.. Tiffany.. Nobodies answered my calls.. just..
God, I'm such an idiot.
- Vanessa, are you alright? - Andy, come on. We must go.
- Excuse me, you're not supposed to use the cell. - Thank you. Thank you.
- We gotta' go. - Hold on, a second.
Luke is such an asshole. He set me up.
This isn't the producer's house.
Some frat party, they want me to strip.. and..
- You know what, I'm not gonna' do it anymore.. I just.. - Calm down..
Oh God they're gonna break down the door, Andy please!
Hello? Vanessa, are you o..?
Vanessa?! Hello..?
- Andy, we gotta go, bud. - Shit. Shit.
- I gotta' go. - No.
- Yes, yes, I gotta' go. - What are you talkin' about?
- Vanessa is in real trouble. - Vanessa got plenty of other fuck buddies that she can call.
You get on the plane, you get one the plane. You cover, you know the whole thing.
- You know what, I'm just gonna count to three ... - This is a real emergency.
One ..
- Two.. - I'm sorry, Jerry, I gotta go.
three..
four..
Urgh, fuck!
- Yeah? - Hey, how are you?
- Who are you? - Oh, I'm here for the party, man.
- Hey, hey, where do you think you're going? - I'm part of the show, buddy.
Ralph.
This guy says he's part of the show. Do you know anything about this?
Man, I don't know anything about that.
Ralph, Ralph, Ralph..
It's a surprise, buddy. You're gonna love it, trust me.
Wait until you see my cock.
You can tell your grandkids stories about it. Seriously.
- Where's the girl? - That way.
What the hell..?
Vanessa, it's me. It's Andy.
Andy, these guys won't let me leave.. they're so pissed off..
they want me to strip and.. I'm not gonna do that..
- Hey, hey. Give me a minute here, okay?! - I'm just.. I'm not gonna' do that anymore
You know, I've been working so hard and I've finally thought I earned something good.. you know?..
but guess what, this whole thing was a big "fuck you"
Calm down, calm down. Sshh. Look at me, look at me.
Breathe, alright? Breathe.
- I'm here now. - Okay.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
Who wants to see a show?
Who wants to see a show, huh?
Good. Enough of that.
Alright, I see a lot of guys in this room..
who needs to get laid, am I right?!
- Ernie. Ernie. - Okay, here's what I need you guys to do..
is to form a semi-circle right here in the middle of the room..
with a clear path right thru' the middle.
Ralph, Ralph! When I give you the que I need you to turn off the lights.
But wait, how are we gonna' see anything?
It's glow-in-the-dark-pussy!!!
That's exactly what it is! That's right.
It's me.
- Ready? - What do we do?
You stay right behind me.
Yea! Alright, alright!
Ralph, turn off the lights!
Ralph.
Oh.. yeah!
What happening, guys?
Where's the music?!
Get in the car. Get in the car!
Assholes!
Tiffany?
Left.
Bedroom?
Too far!
Krav Maga, the Israeli martial art.
What?
Shalom, motherfucker.
Good morning, sunshine.
I have a shotgun pointed at your balls, right now.
I know that I messed up..
real bad, but if anyone could've pitched 'em..
I mean, you killed it, right?
You suck.
Jerry, you're killing me here. Come on.
- Why didn't the balls get on the plane? - What?
Bloom kept yelling that, "Why didn't the Balls get on the plane?"
We can't do this without the balls in the operation. The plane never even took off, man.
It took all my charm to save the account.
We still have a shot.
If, we are to stay friends, and if, we're gonna stay a team..
and somehow pull off this last chance pitch.
- You gotta' make me a couple promises. - Anything.
- We have two days until the old man comes down here to hear this pitch. - He's comin'.. He's coming here?
Dinki Donuts, my friend. Dinki Donuts.
I need you to live and breathe Dinki Donuts..
I need your complete focus and dedication..
so that we can redeem ourselves and get this account back. Say it with me..
- Dinki Donuts. - Dinki Donuts, yes, Alright I get it.
That's done.. done. What else? What's the next thing?
The freaks. I want them out of your life.
- Andy? - I.. pinky swear.
Well.. That includes firing Relish the second we step foot on the office today.
This needs Cumin.
Cumin.
Knock, knock. Heh, sorry.
Hey, friend. Andy, can I talk to you for a second?
Okay, thank you.
- I need to talk to you about something. - Yea, I need to talk to you too, Donny. Please, let me go first..
Vanessa told us what happened last night. Okay?
There was a big blow up at the meeting. Lots of drama.
Two factions formed, okay? Pro-and anti-Andy.
Now..
Couple people.. Tiffany, Franny.. they want you out..
me and Ramon are lobbying for some sort of, a probation period..
in which.. Herman thinks it's gonna blow over in a couple of weeks.
- That's good. - But in the meantime..
good news: he's agreed to work with you one on one.
What? No, no, no. I don't want that. No.
Tell him thank you for me, but I really am not interested. Okay?
- Tell him yourself. - What does that mean?
- How's you hanging, dude? - Oh God, I work here.
Herman this is where I work, I work here, you cannot be here right now.
To quote my first sponsor..
"I'm not going anywhere, lard ass. Not without my friend."
I don't want you to help me. I really don't want you to help me. Please.
Or you. No one. Really, yeah.
- What do you want? - What I want? To be honest with you?
I want my old life back. I just want my old life back.
- Yeah? Yea? - Sorry, we can't let that happen. No.
- Why? - Why?
You are one of the greatest people I've ever met in my life.
- Okay, good. - If it weren't for this job..
I'd be lying in the gutter, making maps of Hawaii on my stomach.
You've helped us all, Andy.
We need you, the group needs you.
- You're the greatest person in the world. - Can we.. can we just discuss this please?
Oh.. God. Oh my God, that hurts so much.
Hey, what did you want to talk with me about?
Oh.. yeah! You suck!
You're getting beat by a girl. You suck!
Hi!
- Hey, Andy. - Andy, hey.
What's up, man? Grab the guitar, we need the rhytm.
Vanessa, what are you doing here?
- Hang on, just give me a sec. - Go, go.
Nice!
I called to talk to you, Jerry answered the phone, he invited me over, said you'll be right back.
Oh, that's nice.
I just came here to tell you that it's my my problem, it's not yours..
you know people loves you in the group..
and it would be selfish of me to deny that.
After what happened, the other night..
I kinda' got it out of my system ..
you know this.. the steam has been released. So to speak.
I'm happy to say Andy, that I've lost my attraction to you.
I'm not attracted to you anymore.
Oh, and your friend.. he's so great.
I mean, you are right, great guy.
I've got a great idea. Great idea.
- Let's go to the warehouse for some brunch. - I love the warehouse.
Oh, it's a date!
- What? - "I'm finished with this perverts..
they are out of my life. You have my words. "
- Liar. - You better not bring up your freakin' credo, you understand.
- Hey, you coming too, Andy? - Yeah.
Let's go!
- Hurm, oh my God. You should try this. - Oh, yeah?
Right?
You speak Spanish right, Andy?
No.
God, Barcelona. It feels like another lifetime ago.
- Have you ever been to Spain? - No.
Oh my God, Andy, you have to go..
The first time I fell in love, I was in Spain.
Me too.
- Yea? - Yea.
- Did your story have a happy ending? - No. Of course not, does yours?
She wanted to get married.
Oh my God, is this the girl that you were gonna marry ...
and then she ended up sleeping with the guy from the gym...?
That I was gonna marry?
Urm.. Are you thinking of err...?
- Am I talking out of school here? - No, no ...
You know what, I'm an open book. My whole life is on speaker phone. Ask Andy.
All of life's secrets I wear them on my sleeve, look at that.
- What do you wanna know? - God, I mean, how do you get over something like that?
Urm.. Look, I'm not gonna lie. When I'm in a relationship...
I.. I lose myself. You know?
I can toward my personality to become the person I think that the women wants me to be.
It's a huge recipe for failure.
And of course, Andy, you know he's my friend and everything but ...
he doesn't understand.. he has no sympathy for that..
with his one night stand and his conquest and stuffs...
He actually thinks I'm spineless, but you know what..
- I'm a romantic. - There's nothing wrong with that.
- Thank you. Want more Mimosa? - Please.
- Hey, Jerry. - Oh hey!
Hey, look who it is. Eva and Inge, right?
Oh hey, how're you doin'? Take care.
We are on a layover from Frankfurt..
we're going to Australia.
We love it at the down under. It's really good.
Sounds really good.
- This is a friend of ours, Vanessa. - Hello.
Hello. You know we really love Jerry, he is the best.
- You remember Andy, right? - How could I forget.
Mr. "I don't care about you at all".
Let me give you a little warning. Girl to girl.
He says one things at dinner...
but then it turns into a different story when he gets into the bedroom.
He has to know how humiliated I was.
You are scum. Scum!
Ally, you get these stuffs into the easels left, center, right.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Vanessa is funny, man.
Funny and hot, when you ever see that combination?
Is that really Vanessa?
I swear to God if you pull that Don Juan shit with her...
Relax...
she just sent me a photo of this great place in Barcelona...
where all of the students used to hang out.
- You've never even been to Spain. - I know.
Hey guys, come on, let's go. Lets' rock!
Make it good. Let's go!
Robots have always been associated with the future, right?
A bright future.
And what's cools is that these robots, are also "retro" looking...
So it's futuristic and nostalgic at the same time.
It's comfort food for the eyes.
I give you Dinki Donuts new logo.
Iconic, graphic, arresting.
What do you think, Dad?
Dinki Donuts are robot fuels.
They power these lean mean machines right here.
Have you ever seen a fat robot?
No.
Fat robot? You just don't see that. Doesn't happen.
- What do you think, Pop? - I love it.
- Question. - Yes?
Is it sexy enough for the 18-49s?
- A valid question. - Is it sexy enough?
Are you kidding? This robot couldn't be sexier.
Do you know what I'm sayin'?
I do that because we can take these logo and these robot...
and put 'em on a bunch of products...
that you normally wouldn't be able sell in the store.
So you can get your donut counter, you got a T-shirt, you got err.. you know, a keychain...
- I'm sorry, gentlemen.. - Andy, Andy, stay with the product.
Just one moment, I'll be right back. Thank you very much.
Err.. T-shirts, I was sayin'...
What is it Donny? This better be huge.
Don, whatever it is, it's gotta wait, it's gotta wait. I'm sorry..
I'm tense.
I'm a volcano and I'm about to erupt.
I need you to bottle it up. Okay, alright?
And you can let it out, all over, in an hour.
Alright? Good, we cool?
I got the CCPJ and the CPO. Put Greenberg's mail in Greenfield's cubby and I put the DHL slip in the Fedex overnight and the airborne guy picked it up.
Listen. Listen to me. I am trying to save my career in there. You understand what I'm talkin' about..
I need you to take in some deep breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.
Good, good, good.
Listen, we can talk about this in one hour. Alright?
Don't do anything crazy. Alright?
Let me talk to you about the box for a second.
The box is not just a doughnut box but..
it's also, the robot's head.
- Hello. - Sorry about that. I'm back!
- Where are we? - Err, I was just doing the box..
- And we're gonna go to phase 2. - Yes, phase 2, that's very.. very exciting.
That's where we began to introduce the doughnuts and the robots themselves as movie stars ...
by doing a series of movie posters spoofs...
like this one from "The Shawshanks Redemption"...
where we had the doughnuts raining down on the muscular robot.
Owh, that's very clever.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
And the first one we're going to be ... starting with erm..
- Call Security! - ... erm.. "The Matrix" ...
That's disgusting! What are you doing?!
"The Matrix". We all know, imagine the robot ...
- he's down like this and doughnuts ... - I'm so sorry.
Time me, time me. I'll be right back, gentlemen.
Nothing to worry about.
Be right back!
"The Godfather."
Donny.
Jesus Donny, you're gonna get me fired.
- Holy fuck! - I'm so sorry.
Oh, God. This is strike 3.
I'm going to jail for a real long time, Andy.
Is that liquid..?
Yeah, I used "liquid paper" because I know it was a mistake.
Alright, Alright!..
first of all, will you pull your pants up, please!
I can't talk to you with your pants down. Alright?
And let's just clean this up.. Alright?
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for it to happen like this.
Oh, shit!
What?
Right in there, in the copy room.
God.. fuck. Please man. Please. What do we do? I don't want to go there.
Just get.. get out, run, run! Go.
- I'm so sorry. - Run!
Freeze! Let me see your hands!
Once again, I bet on the wrong guy.
What is wrong with me?
I don't know. You deserve better.
- I just... - What?
He was doing better, wasn't he?
Yea, it's a disease, Vanessa.
It's very sad.
I'm just glad that I can be here for ya'.
Oh. Sorry to make you wait while I do my Cardio.
I am addicted.
Oh, sweaty mcleaty. More Merlot?
Yea.
I hope I don't stink too bad for ya'.
Wow.
I'm gonna make you the best dinner on the planet.
- You like penne? - Yeah.
Hand on one second.
Hello?
Jerry, it's me.
- We got fired today. - Look, I need you to come down and take...
- Fired. - Jerry?
Oh, Vanessa.
No, this is not Vanessa.
- No, Jerry! - What am I supposed to do, Andy?
You never learn.
I really feel like I'm enabling you.
Let me ask you a question. Why did throw everything we worked for..
down the toilet just to save some jerk-off you don't even know?
I'll come get you in the morning.
No, Jerry. I need you to come..
God, no!
I got these incredible truffles ...
from a guy in Tuscany who went on a truffle hunt..
they follow pigs around..
and the pigs smell truffles underground...
at the base of these oak trees.
I mean, they're really-really expensive but...
Oh, my God. Smell that.
Just shave a little of them on top of pasta, it's magic.
That sounds so good.
Oh no, it's not good. It's better than sex.
So do you think we should call Andy to make sure he's okay?
That was actually Andy that called earlier. I didn't want to upset you.
He's got to spend the night in jail. They're not letting him out.
Oh my God. That's awful.
Yea, yeah, but hopefully this is rock bottom.
He's gonna be stronger for this.
I can't tell you how much this means to me...
what you did, and.. and I want you to know that I'm gonna' get my shit together...
from now on, I keeping it in my pants.
- Good. - It's a promise.
Oh my God. She's angry.
Listen, whatever you need, in the middle of the night...
I'm highest peak, you pick up the phone...
- Donny... - Yea..
Can you just.. drive me home?
I don't drive.
You know that.
No. I did not know that.
Should we call somebody?
Okay, this is me.
Okay, great. Thanks for the ride.
Hey, I guess I see you guys at the group or...
You're going in the wrong direction.
- We're goin' to my place. - Is Vanessa there?
Oh God.
Vanessa?
Where is she?
She's right here.
Right?
Yea, those truffles are incredible.
I told you.
How did you learn to cook like that?
Well..
when my fiancee left...
the food network was my only friend.
You feeling any better?
I don't know if I'm better but, drunker for sure.
Well I know how to make you feel better.
You just gotta trust me.
You do trust me? Dont ya?
I don't know.
Come on. You can trust me.
I'm certified in Reflexology.
I need you to sit up here. Okay?
Come on.
Sit up here.
I don't know if you like it but..
I love giving a good foot massage.
Wait, hold.. slow down for a second..
Oh, you're in for a treat tonight.
Yes, that's right.
I haven't eaten for 100 days and..
Momma is hungry. Hehe.
You're my little banana sundae...
that right, that's it..
there we go, that's it!..
Oh~ Squirm..
there we go...
that we go and a pupu.
The pupu, the pupu.
Just a minute. Want some chocolate in your vanilla?
You want some chocolate in your vanilla?
Super Bowl.
Here we go, now. Here we go, now.
Yes, 15...
75... 43...
Hut! Hut!
Yes, as a retuércete lizard in a skillet. And a 100 day!
Oh.. my.. God!
Get off of me, you bastard.
He came here lookin' for you ...
and when he couldn't find you ...
he just ravaged me ...
then he made me put on this outfit...
That is not what happen. At all!
Get out of here, Andy.
She attacked me. Alright?
You gotta believe me.
I would never do anything to hurt you, come on you know that.
Really? Really?!
Is that why you told Jerry all about me?
Taught him how to get me in bed?
What happened?
He's a great lay.
Is it what you want to hear?
No. Vanessa, please...
Get out of here.
Get out of my life.
I never wanna see you again. Do you hear me?
Go!
You slept with her?
Jesus, what, they locked you up at "Ben & Jerry"?
I can't fucking believe you!
And I can't fucking believe you.
I mean every time I have to fix your fucking mess.
Same thing I had to do with Cynthia.
Cynthia?
What.. what do you mean fix? What does that mean?
What do you think it means?
She was gonna move you to Boston, break up the team...
and I was going to allow that to happens? No way!
You're the guy from the gym?
You're just now figuring this out?
Get out of my life!
I know...
we need furniture.
That's good.
Stay away!
Jesus, Herman, you scared the shit out of me.
She's back with Luke, she's stripping full time in Jumbo's ...
- And it's your fault. - You people are unbelievable.. you don't want me around..
but you won't leave me alone.
Well you had other options, motherfucker.
You could have come to the Rock instead of jerking off...
going to the jail, sell out Vanessa..
and then "desserting" Tiffany.
" Dessert " Tiffany?
Was it "Chocolate? "Nuts?
Alright, alright, "desserting", yeah!
- That's right, you know it, motherfucker. - I get it.
Stay away.
Jesus, Herman!
Jerry?
[ iSight, iSaw, iConquered ]
Oh no.
Just a minute, just a minute.
- No, no, no, I'm here for you. - I don't want this anymore.
- What? - I can't, I can't do it.
- I changed my mind. Okay? - I know, I know. Andy told me.
- Don't worry. - Andy told you what?
- What Andy told you? - Just, you know what we call "triggers"..
- Things that gets you on. - Oh my God.
You know, don't worry about it, I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
- You're disgusting. - I'm disgusting?
- I'm just trying to protect my friend. - Protect him?
Yes he needs to know what kind of person you really are.
You're wasting his time, you know that?
- I don't want you to hurt him. - What kind of person are you? Hurt him?
How could I hurt him? I love him, you asshole!
Fuck off.
- You okay, Vanessa? - Can you just hand me my stuffs please.
- Call me if you need me. - Thanks.
- Where do you think you're going? - I just quit, genius.
Baby, we need the money. How many times we're gonna go through this?
This will be the last time.
- Whoo.. whoo.. - Stop it!
- Get your ass, back on that stage. - Just let me go. Okay? Luke?
- Hey, hey, hey Vanessa, come on.. - Andy, get out of here.
- What the fuck are you doing here? - Stop. Andy, go.
- I thought said I don't want to see you again. - Hands off her, asshat.
Oh my God.
Get up!
Damn, it!
Vanessa!
He came on to my shit.
And I went on a hundred days... more than a hundred days..
without any action, Burton.
But it was like there's a hurricane went off in my brain.
There was cows and they were flying and shit..
there was Dorothy and there was a lot of shit..
I was vulnerable...
and he took advantage of me.
Well, Tiffany welcome back.
Think of this as your first day.
Are you willing to walk down that road with all of us?
- Just say "Yes I am." - Yes, I am.
I'm very proud of you.
Can we help you?
Sorry to interrupt.
Err, Vanessa, can I talk to you for a second outside, please?
Why don't you tell us what you're gonna tell Vanessa?
This is a no secrets zone.
I'd really rather talk in private.
Ya, I know big boy, but you don't have an option.
Fine. Fine.
I'll just say it and go.
I'm a liar. Okay?
I lied to you.
And to Burton, and then to Rock...
Donny, Tiffany, Franny...
- Ramon. - Yes, Ramon and to all the rest of you... yes..
but worst than that though, I lied to myself.
I err.. I got problems. Alright?
Believe me. But...
I don't have your problem.
I lied about that too.
I pretended to be a sex addict..
because I wanted to get close to someone..
who I fell in love with the second that I first saw her.
You, Vanessa.
If I had just been honest with you from the beginning..
I really think that you would have liked me..
for me.
And that's it.
I said it.
Andy.
For months, I've been talking about how ready I am to meet a decent guy.
But since I have this problem..
I wouldn't recognize a decent guy if he was right in front of me.
Well, I'm looking right at you, Andy.
I am.
And I wanna believe you..
so much.
But I don't even know who you are.
I know who he is.
He is a man, that when I was down...
and I was about to sodomize a hooker in my van ...
and he saved me.
That's that man.
Ya, I know that man.
That man there got fired and went to jail for me ...
that man.
I attacked him. Not the other way around.
Fuck, you all know I'm sick.
That's why we're here.
Now, that is sweet , attagurl.
- Can hardly believe it. - Big surprise.
That is quite a resume, young man.
You know, like I said, I do anything to fit in.
But you're right, you don't know me at all.
So what about we just start over?
My name is Andy.
- Hi, Andy. - No..
this time without you guys.
Hi.
I'm Andy.
Girl, don't miss out.
Go.
Vanessa.
You're not gonna shake my hand?
I'm not gonna touch you for the next hundred days.
Oww, celibacy pledge.
How romantic is that.
No touching for a hundred days. That's so damn stupid.
It's appropriate.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
- One hundred days? - Can you handle that?
Yeah.
My name is Jerry, I'm a sex addict.
- Jerry, what are you doing? - I know, I gotta do this, I gotta do this.
Andy is not the villain here, I am. I am.
- What? - Yeah, oh yeah.
We were best friends and what did I do, I slept with his fiancee ...
six weeks before the wedding.
Six weeks!
- You don't have to do this. - Hey. What's wrong with your face?
- Are you okay? - Sure.
Listen, listen I'm just getting started.
And now he's fallen in love this beautiful woman right here...
- And what did I do? What did I do? - What did you do?
- What? - What did you do?
I tried to seduce her.
Yea, yeah. I got problems. I got big problems.
Hello, Turquoise.
Oh my God. Oh my God!
See, he thought.. that..
if he was more like me ...
that he would have better luck with you.
That's why he's been hanging out will all you perverts.
Come on.
And all the sexual talks that he's been saying..
all these crazy stories, they're my stories.
He got no game. He's got no game.
Trust me. It was me.
You gotta believe him.
I do.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Are you the mayor of Pussy Town?
- You're my hero. - Yeah.
- Yea, yea. - Come on and sit down.
- Do you wanna...? - Yes.
- I didn't catch your name when you err... - I'm Jerry.
- Hello, Jerry. - Hi.
Alright, this is the place to purge. Go ahead. Spit it out.
- I've been chasing the beef since I was 10. - Really?
Yeah, for my bar mitzvah, my aunt gave me a golden pen ...
- And a rimmer. - Holy ma...
- Yea. - That's amazing..
Keep talking. Squeeze it out. Here we go.
Subtitles by wira020