- Look at their T-shirts. - Slag party.
Wish you'd let me organise you a slag party, Shona.
Every day's a slag party to you.
Good joke.
Come here, did you get something for Vish's dad for us?
Did you see me get anything?
- No. - Well done.
Well, fine. We'll get something from the shop.
Course I got him something
and a card and signed it from us.
Gotten all nervy.
Why? You said you didn't care if Mam met them or not.
Not about Mammy meeting Vish's family, about you and Ma.
- You haven't talked to her in months. - Oh, Shona, don't.
No, come on, she's old. You have to forgive her.
- Move on. - She's only old when she wants to be.
What if she died? And you haven't forgove her.
Mammy won't die. She's too stubborn.
Can't believe I said that about Mammy dying.
The problem is we're just too different,
we'll probably never get along.
You'll never get along? You always got along.
Look, they've gone, free slag mags.
Grab me one.
I'll tell you what the problem is.
The problem is I'm stuck in the middle of this bullshit
and it's not fair.
Hey, Sho, Sho, look at this.
We will fight them on the beaches.
W-we will fight them on the grass!
Then we will come back to the beaches for more beach fighting.
My babies!
- What happened to your leg? - Oh my god. What happened to you?
Don't point it out or people will notice. It's grand.
You have a cane. You look mad.
No, it's not a cane.
I only have it in case my sports injury starts playing up.
Oh, God.
God, your hair's got so long!
You look like your father in the 70s!
So I look like a dead man? Thanks.
Here. Who's this?
It's Uncle Terry!
Mammy, stop now.
No time for silliness, this is a big day for Shona.
We'll be late for our train.
Oh, come on.
What's in this, Mammy? Jesus.
Just a few bricks. A little bit of gold bullion in my knickers.
Do you know what, it's a bit of a way off. Shall we get a taxi?
Yes, please.
Shona, don't be gentle with me like I'm an old one.
It's just my hamstring, I'm fine.
We'll put you in a wheelchair and we just roll you down the hill.
Do you know what you're like, you're like Willy Wonka--
Willy Wonka.
Let me finish my sentence. And The Chocolate Factory.
I wasn't interrupting, that's how conversations work.
And anyway, the film is called Willy Wonka
but the book is called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
- You used to read me that. Remenber? - What?
- No, it's not called that, it's the opposite way around. - Now.
What?
How come you're allowed to interrupt Shona
but I'm not allowed to interrupt you?
Because mammy that's different than interrupting a joke obviously.
- You let someone get to the end of-- - Oh, I beg your pardon
- It was a joke, was it? - Yes. It would have made Shona laugh.
Come on, the pair of yous!
Oh, God.
Oh, wait, Richard the French boy's dad will love this.
What are you doing?
I am just taking a picture of these coffee pods. Pretty funny.
He says people recycle them but no one ever does.
Who's Richard? You never told me there was a man on the go.
- Oh, Mammy! - Well, Mammy, Richard is Aine's elderly lover.
- Oh, elderly lover? - Shut up Shona. He's the same age as Shona!
Do you think he might want a go on the mother too?
Well, when I put my cane down I could give it a good go.
That's disgusting.
Hey, girls.
- What are you doing? - Hold on, Mammy.
Get off, get off, it was a joke!
I was being Willy Wonka!
You know, it's a joke if you actually know how to do the forward flip.
You've no sense of humour.
I would have laughed so hard
if it backfired and you fell right on your face.
Anyways, mammy that's not how you do a fall.
It's all in the feet. This is how you do a fall.
Like...
- Like that. - That was really fake.
I knew you were going to do that.
You knew I was gonna do it because I told you I was gonna do it.
- That's how you know. - Oh yeah. Answer for everything.
All right, show me a back flip now.
I watched a YouTube clip so don't be sarcastic.
Let's get a taxi, seriously. Let's just get a taxi.
Don't talk about curry or Bollywood.
I could have worked in Bollywood.
I went for a casting for a music video they made in Dublin once.
Who were they? All the Bollywoods?
Paul Bollywood and his friends?
There was an Indian gentleman
we interviewed one time for Nationwide.
Lovely man. Lived in Nice.
Don't mention that. I don't know why, just don't.
- And don't talk about marriage or... - Yeah, Mam.
- I was talking to you. - What?
Come in, come in.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Happy birthday, Hari. - Hello, how are you?
- That's for you from all of us. - Thank you.
Today's not about me, I don't want to make a fuss.
Oh, there she is! I just wanted to meet the big star.
Oh no! No, just treat me like a normal person.
What a lovely house you've got.
Hi, Eileen. I'm your slave for today.
I don't get to eat,
never mind that I'm on a zero hours contract.
But I would you like one of these?
Just tell me, what's in this one?
Mam, they're grand, you'll like them.
- I was only asking. - Nothing is too spicy, Eileen.
We learnt our lesson from the last time Aine was here.
Can I just say
It wasn't too spicy for me, something just got stuck in my neck.
- Spice. - She is very sensitive.
This is demeaning on so many levels.
Anil, If you got a proper job
you could have a spot at the big boys' table.
I have a proper job at BuzzFeed.
Oh, Bubs, you know what,
when you go to school and study hard
you could have a job at BuzzFeed.
Or you can do what Uncle Vish did
and move to New York for two minutes
and come back sound like a shit radio DJ.
Whoa, whoa, radio DJ!
It was 12 years, it wasn't two minutes.
Happy birthday to you, Dad. To Hari.
Don't make a fuss, huh?
Cheers.
You'll make him cry.
All right, everyone, listen up. Shh.
I just want to say how wonderful it is
to have you here with us today.
And to celebrate we have prepared a special dish for Aine.
Oh, that's so nice.
Very funny. Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Is this all the way from Kerala?
- No. Too spicy. - Would you like yogurt with that?
Can I get some yoghurt, please? Thank you.
What you up to right now, Sho?
I haven't told you about Sho's new thing?
You're gonna love this as a woman.
- As a woman who also has a job. - Yes!
Listen up, working woman.
No, it is very good,
Sho is doing this networking thing for women in finance.
- Oh, wow, that's amazing. - Yes, it is very exciting.
It's a big project.
I'm setting it up for this amazing woman who's...
- She's doing most of the work. - She's more amazing than her.
- Awesome! - That's amazing!
Is it a big job, Shona?
Yeah, I mean, it's small right now
but hopefully over the next couple of years.
It'll be hard then with the children then, won't it?
- Mum! - Well, what?
Time must be a pressure at this stage.
Oh, yes, none of us getting any younger, Kavita.
Well, Shona doesn't have time for kids cos she's got me.
That is the truth.
Well, you definitely have become a full-time job this last year.
What was last year?
Er, she broke her leg.
- Oh, no! What did you do? - Yeah.
No, no. It's all fixed now. She's fine.
That's bad luck that you both have bad legs.
That's where the similarity ends, Seema.
Actually, I once auditioned for the film My Left Foot.
Wow, no way!
What did you audition for, the right foot?
No!
For a neighbour who comes in.
The neighbour, I think I saw that bit!
- Did you? - It's really cool.
She didn't get the part, lads. Chill out.
I actually don't want kids.
You always think you don't want kids
and then you change your mind.
I mean, I still sometimes think I don't want Aine.
But genuinely, I genuinely don't, you know?
It's not a big deal. Just never have.
Do you know what, lads, I'm going to throw caution to the wind
and eat with my hand!
So fork off, forks.
Now, and...
What about you and children, Vish?
- Oh, erm, I want what Shona wants. - Oh, OK.
What are you going to do when you're our age then?
Who is going to look after you in the care home?
I thought you wanted kids, Vish.
No, I er... I have Bubs right here.
And she is all I need
and then give her back to you when I'm done.
You never know real love until you have children.
Drop, mam!
Even if Anil murdered someone I'd still love him unconditionally.
And get a spade to dig a grave and cover it up.
Why am I a murderer?
Vish'd never be stupid enough to murder someone.
Yeah, I'm a pyro guy.
- Let me take her back. - No, she's fine. I got her.
I don't think you need to be a mother to know unconditional love.
Don't think that's a thing.
Also I have enough money to hire someone
to visit me if I ever end up in a care home so...
Do you know what, I'm just gonna make a call,
I'll be back in a second.
- This is new. - Huh?
Oh, shit, I didn't mean to FaceTime you!
- Shall I call you back normally? - It's OK. It's nice.
It's nice to see your face. Are you OK?
Yeah. I just literally saw a picture of Vish and his ex-wife
in a frame in his parents' kitchen.
Oh, God, why do they still have that?
- No idea. - Can I see it?
Oh, she's an angry little elf.
Yeah, er... It's thrown me a bit, sorry.
Long day.
Listen, I don't know if this is a good time but--
I was thinking...
- Sorry, Shona. - It's OK.
I-I'll let you go. We can talk later.
Yeah, OK. All right, I'll call you back.
Shona, you know we don't care if you have children.
Oh, no, no, it's not that. It's erm...
Oh, that's embarrassing.
No, it's fine, I get it.
I mean, it was his first marriage, it's...
Shona, honestly, we just like the frame,
that is why we have it.
- Really? - Genuinely, and that woman was a complete idiot.
She thought France was the capital of France.
Did she?
I've taken some really nice pictures of you today.
I'm going to put you in it instead.
Oh no, you don't need to put me in a frame.
I mean, it's a very nice frame.
I want you to help me choose because I always get this wrong.
The women always get annoyed
when I put their picture on Instagram without editing.
All they want is a Valencia filter and no smiling.
Wouldn't be the worst.
Sorry. They're awful.
So the sun is actually boiling up the worm? That's disgusting.
Poor little wormie, he needs to get inside.
- He's got no way because... - Any reply from the old boy?
I'm not waiting for a reply from old boy.
What was that about the worm?
The worm crawled up...
- Isn't that nice? - Mm.
He's a real softie, isn't he?
Our Shona always loved being round her dad.
- What's he doing? Is he flirting with you? - Yeah.
I said he could cos it's his birthday.
- We have this agreement. - On any man's birthday...
I'm sorry, I just want both of you to be happy. You know.
Don't be silly. Don't worry.
And honestly, we do just love that frame.
- Harry told me. - Right.
Well, it's a beautiful thing.
♪Happy birthday to you♪
Oh, no!
♪Happy birthday to you♪
- Don't make a fuss. - ♪Happy birthday dear Dad
Oh, he's cry-- Dad! Whoa! No crying! Ah!
Come here!
Oh, Dad, why you crying? It's your birthday!
It's only a cake, darling!
- Oh, Shona, could you take a picture? - Yes!
With Harry's phone?
Okay.
- Smiles! - Smiles!
That's it!
Could somebody blow the candles out before the house burns down.
- Birthday boy. - Ready? One, two, three.
Go, go, keep going, keep going!
Last one!
Right, a song.
- Now, my two daughters-- - Oh, Mammy, we're not singing.
- Yes. They have the voices of angels. - I don't think so.
No, you are going to sing.
- No. No. - You can sing for your supper.
I can sing!
♪Up above the world so high♪
♪Like a diamond in the sky♪
♪Twinkle twinkle little star♪
♪How I wonder what you are♪
Go on. Sing the song.
Oh, no, Mammy, we're not singing.
- The one about the ghost. - It's not about ghosts, mommy!
- Sing it! - No!
♪You see, it's not me, it's not my family♪ by The Cranberries
♪In your head, in your head in your head♪
♪They are fighting♪
♪With their tanks and their bombs♪
♪And their bombs and their guns♪
♪In your head, in your head♪
♪They are crying♪
♪In your he-ad♪
♪In your he-ea-ad♪
♪Zombie, zombie♪
♪Zombie♪
I feel like an absolute prick.
No, it's really good! Honestly.
- Very haunting. - Is it?
That was... very good, Synthesiser Patel.
I don't have a piano at home so...
Well, you'd never know.
You'd never know, no.
It's always a skill to have, isn't it, piano?
So will the movie star be singing?
Oh, no, no, I shun the limelight.
- Oh, yeah, Mam, do a song. - We don't, we do not any more.
- What? - You used to love performing.
I didn't, I hated it.
- She loved it. - I didn't.
Actually, she used to come on set with me
and she would walk up and down modelling children's hats.
Because, you see, I used to wear a different hat every day
when I was doing the weather.
We were a very popular item.
We heard. So amazing.
- Shona... - What? I slipped. My finger slipped!
You know, every now and then
Just do it.
I think you might like to hear something from us
Go on, Ma.
- Do the duet. - I don't want to!
But there's just one thing
we never ever do nothing nice and easy
Get up!
We always do it nice and rough
- So we're gonna take the beginning of this song easy - Do it!
Then we're gonna finish it rough
This is the way we do Proud Mary
♪Cos we rolling♪ by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Yes! Here we go!
♪Rolling♪
Listen to the song.
♪Rolling on the river♪
♪Left a good job in the city♪
♪I was working for the man every night and day♪
♪And I didn't miss a minute of sleeping♪
♪Cos I was worrying about the way things might have been♪
♪You know the big wheels keep on turning♪
Here we go!
♪Proud Mary keep on burning♪
♪Cos we're rolling, rolling♪
♪Rolling on the river♪
♪Rolling, whoo! Rolling, whoo!♪
♪Rolling on the river♪
- Really nice to see you. - You'll never get rid of us.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you. The food was delicious.
Where's your coat?
I'm gonna stay here for a bit
so you two head back together,
- Yeah? - What?
I'll bring your bag.
Aine has my key to let you in.
But h-how will we find the train station?
We'll be grand if you draw us a map.
No, you'll be grand
because you have phones and you're not five years old.
- Right. - Right. Bye, see you back at your place.
- Love you. - Love you too.
I really do.
- It's been lovely. - Are you pissed off with me?
I'm not pissed off with you. No tears, hmm?
- Thank you for a lovely day. - Bye!
Your singing was really good.
Shouldn't have said to Shona about having kids, you know?
You shouldn't have been so narky
just cos some old fella never texted you.
Don't, mom. He is not an auld fella.
I work for him. So just try and hurry up,
we're gonna miss this train.
Excuse me, that's my mother!
- Sorry. - She's disabled. Jesus!
- Sorry. - Christ!
- Thanks. - Mammy, stop, you all right?
And you did love coming to set with me.
You know, all those things I did?
Like wearing those stupid hats.
That's what paid for your drama classes
and Shona's riding lessons
- and all those Ad-eedas shoes. - Adidas.
Adidas shoes.
I was just trying to do my best.
Yeah, well, your best didn't work cos look at me.
Why you so angry all the time?
What have I done? I didn't do anything.
Exactly, Mammy! Exactly!
- You didn't do anything. - What are you on about?
You didn't come and get me.
- Come and get you? - Yes.
What?
I wanted you to come and get me, Mammy.
I wanted you to come down to that place and take me out of there.
And take me home and make me better.
Aine, those people in there knew what they were doing.
What help would I have been?
You're my mammy, that's why!
I just wanted you to try.
Instead of all this... all this pretence,
like I'm fine, like everything's fine, like it's grand.
- Like she broke her leg. - That's what you told me to say.
Only to family if they asked me where I was.
I was so alone, Mammy. You've no idea.
- Oh, I have an idea, believe you me. I know. - Oh, really?
Oh yeah, what, was bingo difficult one night?
I bloody know.
I left Shona. When she was born, I left her.
For three months I left her because... I didn't want her.
Mam.
I just... I just couldn't.
I'm sorry, Mam.
But you are brilliant.
You are.
And why wouldn't you be brilliant? You're my daughter.
I just want you to find someone who'll make you see that.
Mammy, a man isn't gonna fix me.
No.
- Bit of sex'd be nice. - Oh, God, yuck, don't.
Oh and if you tell Shona I left her I'll kill you.
And...
Well, could you just ring me sometimes.
Mammy, you have to work out how to use FaceTime.
The top of your head--
It's very lonely, Aine.
Most of my friends, half of them are dead.
Did you kill them?
Only Louise Gallagher because she was so fucking annoying!
Oh my God, Mammy, he texted back.
Go on, what did he say?
Wait a minute.
"Ha ha."
That's a bit of an anticlimax.
Jesus.
You have to be careful with men.
They don't always get jokes.
No.
Also annoyingly Shona didn't get us return tickets.
- What? - Don't worry, I'll get them.
No, I'm getting the tickets.
No, mammy. I'm getting them.
- You're disabled so it'll be half price. - I am not disabled.
I am getting both tickets and they will both be full fares.