Previously on Studio 60:
Don't you deserve a lot more?
Don't you want a lot more?
We're gonna be finished tonight. Don't be scared.
Don't get me wrong, I love that you guys are together,
but I really could've used your help on the Neve Campbell sketch.
What Neve Campbell sketch?
Don't really like anything or anyone.
But if you ever wanted to talk about anything.
Well, I've been feeling a little down lately and I got a show to get done.
Take these.
4AM MIRACLE
You understand you're not a defendant?
- I would hope not. - Sir?
- I said, "I would hope not. - " What do you mean?
I wasn't working here. I've never met this girl.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I have that in my notes.
Is this kind of lawsuit common?
Common enough that I can make a living.
A good one?
A pretty good one.
Have you taken depositions?
We're about to. We're in what's called depo - prep.
She filed a claim with the EEOC last May.
Equal Employment Opportun- Uh...
the Equ... The Commission for...
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
I would've gotten there.
TMG interviewed all the defendants. Ronald Oswald, Richard Tahoe, Wes Mendell,
NBS Studios, NBS and, of course, TMG.
I'd like to point out again for the record that my name isn't in there.
There is no record, we're just talking.
Well, there should be a record,
'cause my name isn't in there 'cause I wasn't working here.
July, TMG responds to the EEOC with a "no claim,
" meaning they don't see any of their employees as being culpable.
Especially me.
The EEOC finds that there's no probable cause,
giving Ms. Salisbirk a right to sue within 90 days.
- Which she does. - November, Ms. Salisbirk files suit.
Is she claiming that she was touched inappropriately?
No.
Is she claiming that one of her superiors told her she'd be fired if she didn't sleep with them?
No.
Is she claiming that one of her superiors told her she couldn't get a sketch on the air unless she slept with them?
No.
She's claiming she was forced to work in a hostile work environment and was terminated for,
well...
you know why.
No, I actually don't.
For not participating in- for not being one of the boys.
She was fired because she was lousy.
- You weren't here. - No.
So...
it's 10: 00 at night.
What do you want to do?
Hey, can you get me Andy, Lucy, and Darius, too.
- Yeah. - Forget it- I'll go down.
- How's it going? - We're nowhere.
- You always say that. - It's true.
And it always turns out fine.
Why don't you go home.
- Are you staying? - Yeah.
- I go home when you go home. - I may not go home.
You should go home a little.
No, what we're looking for is a 4: 00 a. m. miracle.
Is that what it sounds like?
An unexplainable and extraordinary event that happens around 4: 00 a. m.
Yeah?
Sleep deprivation erodes your internal censors and allows you to come out of yourself.
Should I order you food?
- What are you eating? - A veggie burger.
Don't do that. If you want vegetables, go ahead, but don't eat pretend food.
That's prop food you're eating.
I'm trying to lose ten pounds.
- Well, don't do that either. - Matt.
- You're perfect. - Stop making fun of me.
- I'm not. Look at you. - Stop it.
If I was a little younger, less famous and made a little less money, I would...
Thank you. Did you want the guys up here or are you going down?
No, I'm going down into the darkest depth of darkness.
And depth.
- Nothing's working? - No.
I saw the Cinemax sketch, I laughed a little.
I'll tell you what I don't like making fun of.
- What? -Soft core porn.
I'll tell you why. 'Cause I could be at a party and meet someone from the world of soft core porn.
And she'll realize you're the one who makes fun of her craft and...
Yeah.
she won't dress up as a stewardess.
Costumes aren't really my thing, Suzanne.
I get enough of that here. No, what I like is an executive:
glasses, heels.
Glasses are incredibly important.
That's a costume, Matt.
No. It's not. She'd knock on my door...
late at night.
Excuse me. Matt?
I'm Mary Tate, the attorney from Gage Whitney.
Did they tell you I was coming over?
This is so weird.
- =The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents
Sync:ÌìÉ½Í¯ÀÑ -=www.eastgame.net=-
******
No one told you I was coming?
I'm sorry.
Your name again?
Mary Tate.
You're a lawyer?
Yeah, from Gage Whitney. We're part of the group representing-
- is it all right to talk here? - Yeah.
We're part of the group representing you in the suit Karen Salisbirk's brought.
You're not representing me, though, I'm not a defendant.
No.
Which is unusual, 'cause I'm a professional defendant.
Why is that?
About five different people are claiming they wrote a screenplay I wrote last year.
- Did they? - No, and you know how you'd know?
'Cause if they'd written it, they'd have written it.
Doesn't that get taken care of by the Writers Guild?
These people aren't members of the Writers Guild. How can I help you?
Well,we're in preparation for the depositive phase
and I wanted to get a better sense of the work environment, particularly in the writers' room.
Do you mind if I hang out and watch?
I do. I'm sorry.
I've already been given permission, I was just being polite.
- Permission from who? - Jordan McDeere.
Jordan.
Matt, I forgot to tell you,a lawyer named Mary Tate is coming over tonight
and I want you to give her whatever she needs.
Okay.
She's part of the team representing us in this Karen Salisbirk thing,
so try to demonstrate to her that we don't make our employees feel sexually uncomfortable.
I'll do my best.
Hey, Matt, she's really hot. She's just your type.
She's got that Shannon Tweed...
Okay then. I'm going to head down to the writers' room now.
Great.
Not much is gonna happen. I'm gonna tell them I don't like any of their pitches
and ask 'em to come up with new ones.
- Okay. - Okay.
How much is she suing for?
Well, they don't have to tell us yet. Probably low eight figures.
Are you kidding me?
They could make the claim that you stunted her career path.
Not me, I wasn't here. I was stealing a screenplay from five different people.
And what career path?
Staff Writer to Story Editor, Story Editor to Producer, Co Exec, Executive Producer.
Your job.
The judge'll be hearing an argument that could only take place on Nutzopolis.
How does this work? When were these pitches handed up to you?
Well, a bunch of pitches were submitted to me on Monday.
- You rejected them? - Yes.
More on Tuesday afternoon, Tuesday night, again this morning and again tonight.
- They were all rejected? - Yes.
What is it you're looking for?
A woman who gets me, I mean, really gets me.
Matt.
Something I can write, Mary, I'm looking for an idea I can write.
Hey, guys. Two years ago,a staff writer named Karen Salisbirk was fired
and she's claiming it was because she complained about sexual harassment.
- Andy, why do you think she was fired? - Because she couldn't write.
- Darius? - She couldn't write.
Lucy? Remember, you're a woman.
I'll try. It's because she couldn't write.
How many people in this room worked here two years ago?
Lucy, have you ever been sexually harassed at this job?
You're telling me there's money in it?
All right, that's it. Sit your fine, fine ass down at the other end of the table.
That's the punishment chair. We do this nice and professional.
But Lucy,you can get out of the punishment chair
if you can tell me the title of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's most famous poem.
Ooh. "Ode to a Grecian Urn.
" Sit your sweet British ass back down.
It's "Kubla Khan.
" "Kubla Khan"! And he wrote it instantly at 4: 00 a. m. , 300 lines.
He woke up from a dream.
- You didn't like any of the pitches. - I was getting there.
- You were taking a little while. - Some of them are good.
I have to disagree with you.
Come on, look at Nancy Pelosi. It's got a great...
Yeah.
Can you tell us exactly what you didn't...
Guys... He didn't like any of the pitches.
This isn't Meet the Press. We'll have a new round for you in a few hours.
4: 00 a. m. miracle.
Just remember, when Coleridge woke up and began writing,
he was interrupted by a knock at the door. When he got back to his desk, he had forgotten most of it.
That's why the full poem is "Kubla Khan: A Vision in a Dream, A Fragment.
" What's the full title of "Kubla Khan, " and who wrote it?
Gene Roddenberry.
No, not The Wrath of Khan - Kubla.
I don't give a damn. We gotta get going.
I know.
We gotta build sets, we gotta put down camera marks.
I know.
Sound, wardrobe, f/x, legal clearances...
I know all of this, so unless there's a sketch in there...
There's nothing in here?
If there was a pitch in there I liked, I'd be writing it.
"Jason the Mason" is a funny title.
It is a funny title, and for all I know it could be a funny sketch,
but the Masons are a secret society and you can't do research on them unless you join
and then they swear you to secrecy.
- I thought it was the other kind of mason. - Like bricklayers?
Well, they work with all kinds of materials.
Isn't Harriet back?
Yeah, her set called. They're running over.
We're supposed to get her at 10: 00.
There's nothing for her to rehearse here, what does it matter?
It matters, my friend, 'cause there's such a thing as the way things are done.
We're letting her do this movie,she's over there with Luke
and his feature crew and his movie budget on a bedroom set,
wearing a nightgown, snorting coke with Luke's on-
set mood music going on, trying to seduce a 17- year- old actor.
Well, the coke is actually powdered baby's milk, so I wouldn't worry about that.
That's not the point.
- I know that's not the point! - Okay.
The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?
" You said, "No, Danny, no. It's not gonna be a problem.
" Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used?
- Can I help you at all? - No, thank you.
Please apologize to the department heads and tell them I'll have more pages coming soon
and I'm gonna cover anyone who wants to get a hotel room for a few hours.
All right. You don't need anything?
No.
Think about "Jason the Mason.
" Yeah, I'm gonna give that a lot of thought. Set?
Here we go.
All right! Here we go, people!
On the bell, please!
Rolling!
Pictures up!
"A" mark. "B" mark!
****
You have a gun.
It's Keith's.
What's it for?
Anita...
You scared the bloody hell out of me.
Being scared's the fun of it.
There's no bullets in there, right?
We're just saying she's guilty of manslaughter?
- Cut! - Cut!
Sorry.
- Harry... - Reloading.
Camera reloads. Off the bell!
Take us off the bell, please.
Thank God you're pretty.
Well, I do everyday, but I think Anita's culpability is unambiguous at this point.
She's not pointing it at his head and pulling the trigger.
He's 17, she's got him loaded up on heroin and coke and she's saying,
"If you were a real man,you'd play Russian roulette
and then screw me like my boyfriend Keith Richards.
" Yes.
In real life, she wasn't even in the house,
and a jury said she wasn't guilty.
In this movie, she is.
- Luke... - Harriet...
- Just shoot the scene? - Just shoot the scene.
I promise you I'm getting enough coverage of the scene,
so we can keep having this argument all through post production.
Got it.
- Harriet? - Yeah?
- Phone call. - She can't take it.
- It's Danny Tripp. - We're on his time.
Go ahead, we're re - loading.
Thanks.
Hello?
I was supposed to have you back at 10: 00.
- I'm sorry, we're behind. - How behind?
One shot left. How's it going there?
We're a little behind here, too.
How behind?
Harriet... I don't know, when you get back here,
could you just fake it with him or something?
Danny...
Just make him feel better, make him feel all right.
I'm not responsible for this.
Oh, that's the last thing I care about.
It's worse when he knows you're up all night shooting with Luke.
All right, here we go people!
On a bell, please!
I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.
Hey!
Ready to go?
I called your office...
They told me you'd just left.
You can't have dinner?
Uh, I can, I just can't this minute.
- That's okay; what's going on? - Nothing, it's just he's not anywhere yet.
You know...
It's Wednesday night. It all comes together on Wednesday night.
So why do I pay you guys for Monday and Tuesday?
- Because you love me. - A little bit.
No. Huge. Mm,
I've loved other guys. It's a passing thing.
No, and I'll tell you something else: If I died tragically tonight, you would be devastated.
Why are you gonna die tonight?
I'm not. But if I did you'd be shattered.
I'd be fine. Why are you gonna die?
Could be anything.
Should I go home?
Uh, can you lie down for an hour? And we'll get a hamburger.
Can I go downstairs and play with Harriet?
Harriet's on the Rolling Stones set. She'll be back soon.
- What just happened? - Check this out.
It's called a RealCare Baby.
It's got a battery and a computer chip inside.
It has a diaper sensor area, a mouth feeding sensor area,
pressure points on the back, so it knows when it's being burped.
It cries if its head isn't being supported, and if it lies in the wrong position...
What is it?
It's a practice baby- $599.
You spent $600 on a doll?
I get two months of practice.
Honey, you know what? Sit down.
It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag.
The real baby's gonna do that, too.
Yeah, but now, I know not to, you know...
- Stuff the baby in a bag? - Yeah.
- You knew that before - Now I can practice comforting.
You turned it off with a remote.
I know, but just because you distracted me.
Listen to me I know you're nervous, and God understands that.
So He made the first year an on - ramp, okay?
You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
All right, you don't drive the baby.
- Look... - Ever.
The baby eats, the baby sleeps. The baby can't move itself.
So unless you put it to bed in a lobster pot, the baby's gonna be fine.
- Lana says that... - Lana the lesbian Lamaze lady?
- She's not a lesbian. - She better hope she's a lesbian.
She just hates men.
She wears a turban. Did she tell you to buy this thing?
Yes.
Does she sell them by any chance?
Yes.
All right, you don't drive the baby, and you don't go near the college tuition money.
Swell.
A hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave here tonight.
Really?
Anytime we want, we can hook it up to the computer and it'll give us full information.
Sleeping, eating, diaper changes,
any big blows to the head or torso.
- How do I feed him? - Same way.
All right, I'll do it for two reasons.
To stick it to Lana and all the Lanas out there, and to take your money.
Are you sure?
'Cause you've got a lot of work to do and you're a pretty big spaz.
Turn the baby back on.
Being scared is the fun of it.
There's no bullets in there, right?
Ah,
my stars! That's bad acting.
- And... cut! - Really very bad acting.
Let's go again!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, lying in bed with you, blowing my brains out over and over is therapeutic.
I've had other men say that to me.
- Harry... - Here's one.
How you doin'?
There's literally blood on my hands.
Lookin' good. We'll get one or two more and go in for coverage.
I'm really supposed to be over there on Wednesdays.
We're going as fast as we can.
It's just... I'm feeling guilty. Explain to me how we...
In coverage.
Coverage isn't gonna change the scene, it's just gonna get it from other angles.
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Harry...
Then why'd you say we were going to get it in coverage?
I was hoping you wouldn't think too much about that.
- This is a big deal! - I agree.
She wasn't in the room when he shot himself.
According to her.
And every existing record of the event. Everyone says she wasn't even in the house.
No one else is alive.
What if she got up and went into the bathroom?
What's the difference?
We wouldn't be making her responsible.
Are you kidding me with this?
She's responsible whether she's facing him or not!
You want me to get a couple where she powders her nose
while he shoots himself with the gun she told him to play with?
- You've had two months with this script! - I know.
- And two and a half weeks rehearsal! - I know.
I want to know why this is coming up tonight.
You feel guilty about what?
We'll do it this way. I'm ready to go.
You said... "I'm just feeling guilty.
" Matthew and I had a terrible fight.
And I said terrible things to him.
When?
The night you came to my house?
You picked a pretty good time to bring this up.
Let's go!
Here we go, everyone!
Run a bell, please.
"It's a single- cell paramecium. " "It's a semi- permeable membrane.
" "God, Doctor, it's a single...
Don't you understand, Doctor, it's a single - cell paramecium!
- " Excuse me. - Yeah.
- Can Mary come in? - Yeah.
And they're on Harriet's last shot of the night. A car'll bring her over.
Thanks.
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry to bother you again.
- How was the room? - Quiet.
- Sorry? - No, I'm saying the room was quiet.
Well, yeah, you know...
it's harder for them to do what they have to do with someone standing around, so if we could wrap this up.
Yeah. How many other writers are on staff?
Just those three and me.
- Aren't there usually about 15? - Yeah.
What happened?
13 of them quit, and I hired Andy to supervise the other two.
Are you gonna hire more?
The four of us are doing fine.
Except it's Wednesday at midnight and you don't have anything written yet.
Yeah?
And your ratings have slipped over the last four shows.
Mary, any time you want to take my job, just feel free.
Look...
What do our ratings have to do with this ridiculous lawsuit?
- Nothing. - Then?
- Just poking at you, Matt. - Why?
Try to find out how good a witness you'd be.
A bad one. I wasn't a witness to anything.
It's likely you're gonna be asked to talk about what a writer's room is like.
Fine.
The 13 writers that quit, they did it because of Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald,
Yeah.
You don't like them, right?
Mary...
Ricky and Ron are two of the defendants. You don't like them, right?
I like them fine.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Want to look at my notes? I've got 14 people who tell me you can't stand them.
Well, those 14 people are less discreet than I'd hoped.
Lie like you just did under oath and I'm screwed.
There's a difference between lying and being polite.
Don't be polite.
We're being sued for not being polite.
Not you.
Yes, me. The headlines are gonna say Studio 60, and that's me.
That's right, so help me out.
- You want a drink? - Sure.
- Vodka all right? - Thanks. With a twist.
This isn't the Oak Room. There's vodka, ice and a glass.
That sounds good.
I'm not a fan of Ricky and Ron, and they're not fans of mine,
but I've never seen them behave unprofessionally.
Never seen anyone here behave unprofessionally.
- Technically, you have. - How's that?
Your relationship with Harriet Hayes.
Hey, well...
I may not be the smoothest guy in the world,
but I wouldn't characterize my relationship with Harriet as sexual harassment.
NBS has a policy about sexual behavior between willing and reasonable coworkers.
Oh, believe me, the last thing Harriet is is reasonable, so we're in the clear.
You weren't.
Well... I was in love with her...
- so, tough. - That's sweet.
What the hell... Thank you.
What the hell reason could there be for having that policy?
- It can be a real mess. - How?
This is an all- night work session.
You want Harriet here, but you won't insist, as you're entitled to do,
that she walk off Luke Scott's set, because you don't want her to think you're petty.
- Did you study before you came here? - Yep.
- For what? - $600 an hour.
Hey... we're having a glass of vodka.
Just between you and me, isn't Harriet the reason you're having trouble writing?
And isn't the writing connected to the ratings?
********
Shh...
Okay, we got...
Shh.
- What's going on? - Go back to sleep.
What did you do?
Why do you assume I did something? I was just sitting there.
The baby's crying.
Can we stop calling it the baby?
Sure. Just give me the hundred bills and go tell Lana you're a loser.
All right, I read the booklet. There are five things it could be.
- You have two minutes. - Until what?
Until it registers neglect.
Burping?
No.
It's two minutes from when it started crying, so it's like a minute and a half.
Rocking? No.
You're shaking it like it's a snow globe.
Does smacking the mother ever help?
A minute, 15.
Feeding? Where's the bottle? There it is.
Right there, where it's supposed to be. Here you go.
That's the way we do it downtown.
Very nice.
Please let me have someone take you home.
I'm fine.
- You need more sleep than you're getting. - I'm getting sleep right now.
- You're talking to me. - Like that takes a lot of mental energy.
Let me have somebody take you home. I like it here with you.
Okay, easy does it.
'Cause you just said something nice to me and you got to be careful when you do that,
'cause the sky could fall down.
I understand.
Go back to sleep.
- I don't know, my friend. - Yeah?
- I just don't know. - What's the problem?
I'm in a hotel, I go in the bathroom, there's a shower cap in a cardboard package.
Yeah.
You know what it says on the package?
- What? - "Fits one head.
- " That's helpful information. - "Fits one head.
" You buy an iron, look at the box-
it says: "Warning: Do not iron clothes while wearing them.
" A carton of pudding: "Caution: Pudding gets hot when heated.
" I don't think we should be giving these warnings.
I think we're interfering with a valuable thinning of the herd.
What you getting at?
It's late night comedy. What did she think awriters' room was gonna be like?
- Karen Salisbirk? - Karen Salisbirk.
Did you know her very well?
I think I remember saying hello to her a few times.
- Me, too. - Never anything sexual.
Yeah. I flirted with her.
- You did? - Yeah.
- What kind of flirting? - Regular flirting.
Though... I've got some game, so...
- you know. - What?
- I slept with her. - Are you kidding me?
- Once! - She's suing us, Simon!
- Three times, I think. - Did you tell anyone?
- I'm telling you. - This is serious!
I know it's serious. I've been having a stroke ever since that lawyer walked into the building tonight.
By the way, have you observed the legs on this lady?
Simon!
You got to go talk to the lawyer.
I'll lose my job.
I'll lose my house.
I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator.
- Look... - My Navigator, Tom.
Excuse me. Guys.
- Hey. - Hey,
I need to keep this doll in your dressing room.
Sure. Why?
It's called a RealCare Baby. It's got sensors that tell you when it's,
when it's hungry or tired- that sort of thing- or not... supported.
Jordan's asleep in my office, and the thing keeps crying,
so I'm gonna keep it here for a little while.
She doesn't think I can take care of a baby, so if any of the sensors go off,
you have to tell me immediately, okay?
- Done. - No problem.
Thank you.
You got to go tell the lawyer.
I'll tell the lawyer, and in a month, I'll be doing infomercials for press in curls,
and she'll be living in my house and driving around in my Navigator.
- Like that car, don't you? - I do.
No!
And cut. Let's go again.
Camera reloading. Sound reloads!
Could I have her just a second?
- What happened? - No, you were right.
This is the worst time to talk about it.
- What happened? - Nothing.
Harry...
There was this charity online auction to take me to the dinner-
Catholics in Media dinner.
Matt bid on me 'cause he thought you were bidding on me.
And we had a fight.
I mean, it really got bad, and it's like he wasn't even provoking me.
but I just kept coming at him and pummeling him and all he really did was...
Harriet... ...
give money to a charity he doesn't even like.
- Harriet... - Yeah?
I don't care.
Well, you asked me what happened.
Yeah, I thought the conversation was gonna be about you and me.
I hit him over the head with you.
He's a big boy, he'll get over it.
He didn't deserve it.
And he never would've done that to me.
- You ready to go back to work? - Yeah. I'm sorry.
- How much longer? - As long as I feel like.
Let's go! Pictures up!
You know, we might be looking at this wrong.
Talk to me.
Doesn't this help our case if you slept with her?
How?
- Well, she slept with you willingly, right? - Eagerly.
- Three times. - Yeah.
Wouldn't that demonstrate that she's into deviant sex?
Simon!
In here.
And shut up.
Oh, cool, a guillotine.
Yeah, props just finished it.
It's Marie Antoinette. It works just like those things we had when we were kids.
What things?
The mini- guillotines.
What are you talking about?
You didn't have a mini- guillotine?
No, I wasn't raised by the Addams Family.
It was a little thing.
You stuck a carrot in it and it chopped it in half, then you stuck your finger in it and...
it was a trick. Stick your head in there.
Get the hell out of here.
Come on. Tom.
No,
It's not even gonna touch you.
Use this.
Great. Good.
Ready?
- Yeah. - I didn't have it set right.
Well, you better glue that thing back on before Danny sees it.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Oh, my God! - Except that we beheaded the baby.
What the hell did you do?
- Problem? - Yes, it's a problem!
This is a special doll, with computer sensors.
I've heard about those things. RealCare Babies.
They're supposed to be indestructible.
Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80 - pound hydraulic ax on their head.
- So it's one of those? - Yeah, one of those.
And it's Jordan's, and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive,
and I was doing fine until Sacco and Vanzetti decided...
- It was Cal! - Tom's the one who said... ...
- to chop the baby's head off! - You wanted to use me!
Why use anybody? !
I wanted to test it before we put Renee Zellweger's head in there.
You got to take this to props, you got to get it fixed,
and you got to get them to screw with the computer chip so Jordan doesn't know.
That's no problem. You want it to do anything else?
- Like what? - I don't know. Dance?
No. Just fix it!
What's your problem?
Well, you know how Karen Salisbirk is claiming sexual harassment?
Yeah?
Turns out she may have a point.
- You know what? - What?
You do have a twist, smart - ass.
Huh?
A lemon. I found a lemon.
This is the first time I'm reading it.
The full complaint?
Yeah, I'd just looked at excerpts.
Here she's complaining that there was a prolonged discussion in the room about bulimia.
How was she offended by that?
It could be seen as denigrating to women.
It's not denigrating to women, it's denigrating to food.
Is she also suing every newsstand that carries US Weekly?
She doesn't have to work at the newsstand.
All I need is a small knife now.
I'll show you a cool way to peel a lemon.
- Matt? - Hang on.
I think you're gonna find it's very cool. I went to bartend...
Hang on one second.
You got to it, huh?
- They're talking about... - On page 36?
- They're talking about Harriet. - Yeah.
"The plaintiff observed "the male writers discussing the female cast members.
"The plaintiff observed "the male writers discussing the different ways in which they might have intercourse with Harriet Hayes.
" Why was it important that I read that?
I needed to make sure you were still on our side.
Well, these guys suck.
Matt...
Some of these guys are my friends.
You want to take a minute?
And cut. Cut!
Let's go one more time. One more time.
- We got it with you out of the room now. - Thank you.
We're just gonna go one more time, then you're out of here.
I'm sorry about before.
We started talking about Matt.
It was pretty insensitive, especially with you directing.
Yeah.
I think...
I think, 'cause of this scene, maybe I was starting to feel mystery guilt about...
Yeah, the guilt isn't a mystery to anyone capable of cognitive thought.
You pummeled him so he'd fight back, and confessed it to me so I'd free you...
which I'm doing right now.
- You're breaking up with me? - Yeah. Let's go,
- let's reset. - Luke... Luke?
He's an arrogant, self - destructive, egomaniacal prick.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Let's go. - I was kidding.
Let's go!
- Luke? - What?
- I can't let you talk about Matthew like that. - I'm sorry?
- I can't let you talk about Matthew like that. - And why not?
'Cause he'd never let anybody talk about me like that.
- You're a sucker, Harriet. - Maybe.
But he'd never go three hours into overtime just to screw with some guy who used to be his friend.
Print takes four, seven, 12, 14 and 15. You got the shot.
I'm out of here.
"One writer wanted to 'nail her' under the cross in a church.
"Another one wanted to bend her over "a chair as she confessed.
Another wanted to get her on her knees at communion.
" Baptists don't go to confession.
That probably wasn't the point.
No... I don't think it was.
Matt...
I'm assigned to you. You're my witness. Are you gonna be a good one?
You want to screw these guys now, don't you?
I don't want to screw 'em, I want to take a frickin' baseball bat to their heads.
Well, here's your chance, right?
I mean, the conversations described on these pages they never led to a sketch.
- It doesn't matter. - Say it again.
It doesn't matter. No conversation like this has ever or would ever go on in a room I was running,
but there's a lot of good writing that comes out of rooms I don't run.
Yeah, I'm your witness.
Good. Thought so.
Excuse us.
- Hi. - Hi. - How you doing?
Hi.
Uh, Simon - he's got something he wants to tell you.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
I slept with Karen Salisbirk.
- Is there any way this helps us? - No.
- I told you. - When?
- I don't remember. - Around when?
I don't remember much. I know it was when she was working here.
Um... I know she was a very tall,
very beautiful redhead with a bit of a weakness for me...
Simon?
- I am a bit of a weakness for... - Simon!
Karen Salisbirk is short and blonde.
- Then who was the tall redhead? - I don't know.
Connie Briar.
Connie Briar! Yes! I should call her.
Why don't you go do that?
That was a lot of time and energy wasted on nothing.
Yeah, keep up the good work.
Uh, are you almost done with my boy here? 'Cause he's got a lot of work to do.
Almost.
All right, I'm just gonna step out... ... side.
It's always nice when you count on someone's character, and they don't disappoint you.
I want to give you my card.
You can use that for... well, whatever you want to use it for.
Are you asking me on a date?
I was asking you to ask me on a date.
You're a sexual harassment specialist, and you're asking me...
I get the irony.
You want to wait till you've got Harriet out of your system?
Yeah, probably should.
How long do you suppose that'll take?
I have a hunch it's gonna be a while, but you're all right for asking.
No wonder the girls like you.
Okay, I heard every word of that, and you're out of your mind.
What did I do now?
That was a smart, beautiful woman asking you out.
What's going on with our numbers, partner?
- What do you mean? - What's going on with our numbers, partner?
I thought I had trained you not to look at 'em.
You did,but the sexual harassment lawyer who just asked me out
was using an example of interoffice relationships screwing things up,
and she suggested that our numbers are going down because...
- Oh, man... ... - because I was in a bad place about Harriet.
That is a ridiculous example.
If you'd just broken up with someone who hadn't worked here, they'd have done the same thing.
- Nonetheless. - Nonetheless what?
Come on.
They've trended down for two shows. That isn't even a trend.
- But it does coincide... - Uh, please.
- I've been faking it. - The numbers don't have anything to do with...
- I'm not talking about the numbers. - I know. I know.
I'm saying,
I had no idea how much I needed having her around.
I know.
All right.
Enough. I've got some things. Andy, Lucy, Darius they've got some things.
- We're gonna be fine. - We are.
- I swear. - I know.
Okay.
- Matt? - Yeah.
Not so much of this, okay?
Danny!
- Is it fixed? - Brand- new baby.
Talk to me.
It was an hour of bionic pediatric surgery from props and f/x.
What about the computer chip?
Clean as a whistle. Baby thinks it slept three hours, was fed,
changed and spoken to in a soothing voice.
Tell you what- I think we might be onto something here.
- Let me know how it goes. - Thanks a lot.
Jordan?
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm gonna get somebody to take you home. Mm.
- Where's the baby? - Right here.
Was everything all right?
You can... write me that check for a hundred bucks.
Yeah, I think I'll plug it up to the computer and find out for myself.
Be my guest.
Hi.
How you doing,
little...
What was that?
I'll tell you, that never happened while I was taking care of it.
What did you do to it? !
I'll tell you what I did to it, okay?
That baby was in an accident, as babies sometimes are,
and I rushed it immediately to a doctor of some sort.
- What kind of accident? - A freak accident.
What kind of freak accident?
It was decapitated in an 18th century French guillotine.
Uh - huh. And what kind of doctor?
Our property master and our director of special effects.
Danny!
Hey, these guys are the best in the business.
His eyes flew out of his head!
They enjoy a practical joke.
How did the baby get in the guillotine?
Hmm?
How did the baby get in the guillotine?
This is the part of the story where- where I get points. See, you were a-
asleep in here while I was working, and I didn't want the baby's crying to wake you up.
All right, a couple points. So what happened next?
So I asked Tom and Simon to take care of it.
- And I take the points back. - Fair enough.
And, for sure, I don't think you should have to give me the hundred dollars.
Thank you.
What am I gonna practice with now?
Nothing.
You're gonna be a great mother.
You're not gonna be by yourself. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, good, 'cause between the two of us...
Well, now we know not to put the baby's head in a guillotine.
We knew that before.
I'm gonna have someone take you home.
You're staying?
I'm gonna stay around Matt.
"Why, Professor, don't you see?
My God, Professor, don't you see...
" It's a single- cell paramecium.
That's where I get stuck.
I'll put my stuff downstairs and come back and see if I can unstick you.
I'd appreciate that.
4: 00 a. m. miracle.
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