This is Hollywood, land of the real and the unreal.
The unreal are the actors, and the reel nothing more than a thing to put film on.
From up here, I guess it doesn't look much different from your hometown.
But how would you know? You don't look at your home town from a plane.
This is a town where people spend every waking hour
applying their talents to the making of a product,
the only purpose of which is to take you away from real life
into the wondrous land of make-believe.
What's your pleasure? Westerns?
Cheesecake?
Suspense?
Brutality?
How about a love story? Yes, a love story.
I love you very much.
Saying it is very trivial.
I love you, too.
Oh, my beautiful, wonderful man.
I could listen to you for hours.
But that would deprive me of the tenderness of your lips.
Don't speak any more. Nor shall I.
Kiss me, my love.
Yes, this is Hollywood,
where, for the price of a ticket, they will take you anyplace.
Anyplace, that is, except one.
Seldom will they let you inside one of those sound stages
where their magic potion is brewed, and we'll show you why.
Sometimes the good guys are afraid of horses.
And if they're afraid of horses,
they're certainly not going to let them use real rocks on them.
Mistreated girl, you think.
She was formerly middleweight champion of the Marine Corps.
The lovers... In real life, these two are man and wife.
All right. Here we go for a take.
Would you mind not sitting on my jacket?
If I had my way, stupid, I'd be sitting in another state.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, listen, nitwit, if it wasn't for me...
If it wasn't for you...
You cheap imitation of a screen extra, I oughta smack you right in the mouth.
Lights. Camera. Action.
Besides everything else, you are the very dream that I dreamed.
Aside from the behind-the-scenes activities of the people on screen,
we would like to show you the activities
of the motion picture tsars and tsaresses.
So as not to make this a completely dry and stilted documentary,
we have acquired the services of one of the most prominent
and highly intelligent idiots available.
This is Paramutual Pictures Incorporated,
and the inner working brain of a company of successful movie-makers.
How do you expect us to continue to be successful movie-makers,
when constantly, day after day, we're losing money?
And furthermore, and most important, we're not losing it at the box office.
I suppose that's because movies are your best entertainment.
Amen.
This money that I mentioned that we're constantly losing,
it's here, in the studio,
and we must find out how and where it's going and who's getting it.
Now, I have sitting beside me Mr Fumble
of the distinguished firm of Fumble, Fidget & Fuss,
the famous efficiency experts.
I've asked Mr Fumble here to help us find out
why money is being wasted
by some 3,000 employees of Paramutual Pictures.
In short, we need an efficiency expert
to be exposed to the everyday routine of the studio
and report to us any financial leak or spending.
Tom, dear, you're the businessman of the family, and the smartest.
Up to now.
But this is not the way, Tom, dear.
With due respect to Mr Fumble, it simply will not work.
- And may I ask why? - Yes, why?
Because this is a job for someone that nobody knows.
I have a very good business
and I will not take on an assignment that we can't do our best work with.
Therefore I must withdraw.
- But, Mr Fumble... - And I warn you.
If this is to be a successful venture,
be sure that you pick someone that nobody knows.
But nobody.
Gentlemen. Ladies.
Someone nobody knows?
Irma Paramutual. Uh-uh.
You've been around here since we opened.
Ulysses Paramutual.
No, you've been around too long, too.
Albert Paramutual? No, everybody knows you.
Paramutual. Paramutual. Paramutual.
Nobody but Paramutuals. Someone nobody knows.
Tom, I maintain that in order to get the information that you want,
we should get somebody that not only nobody knows,
but someone that couldn't care less about our problems or anybody else's.
How do you mean?
We need somebody so concerned with his own problems
that he won't know that we literally want him to spy for us.
Somebody who doesn't care about money,
about how we spend ours, how much we have or anybody else has.
- Where do you find this someone? - Frankly, Tom, I don't think you do.
The person that we want probably doesn't exist.
There just couldn't be anybody that stupid.
Yeah. There isn't anybody that stupid.
Stupid?
Hey, Weaver. Come here.
Get him.
Yes, sir.
Hey, kid, would you come down here a minute?
They said that... What?
- Hello, young man. - Hello, man.
- Do you know who we are? - The parole board?
We're the people who run this studio.
We're the Paramutuals.
- Sounds like a rock 'n' roll band. - I think he'll be perfect.
- What's your name, young man? - Tashman. Morty Tashman.
Morty S Tashman.
- What's the S for? - Scared. I'm frightened at a lot of things.
- Morty -Yeah?
How would you like to be the new errand boy for Paramutual Pictures?
- It doesn't pay much. - But the hours are lousy.
- I don't care about the hours or money. - Good!
- You're hired. - Thanks, but what do I do?
Be here now? To sit?
Send in Mr Sneak. Right away, please.
- Morty. - Yes, sir.
- Your only contact will be Dexter Sneak. - Yeah.
He's been with us for 35 years. He's very loyal.
He should be. We gave him a watch.
We can trust him to get us the information that you will pass on to him.
- You sent for me, TP? - Yes, Dexter. Come here.
O Master of the Film. O Sultan of the Cinema.
Great White Father and Ruler. What is your wish? It will be done...
Tomorrow morning I want you to take Morty to the personnel department.
See that he gets an interview for a job here in the studio.
But most important of all, see that he's hired.
I'll fill you in later on your functions with him.
My functions... Your wish is
O Master of the Film and Sultan of the Cinema.
- Great White Ruler over me... - Shut up!
- Take him with you. - Boy, come here.
That's it. See. Send the
The Function... Don't you worry. Personnel... Master...
I forgot. Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you. You're also very nice and I...
I didn't... I got this from when I was putting...
It's just a little...
You can always wash it off if you have a hard brush.
. . Qualifications and experience, the job you're interested in.
Address that to Mr Arbit, who is the head of the personnel department.
And yes, well...
It's a very simple procedure after that.
I'm sorry, everybody has to go through that.
I don't... I just work here in the personnel department.
No, you have to list your qualifications...
I'm just, like, the girl out here. Thank you. Goodbye.
- Yes? - I'm Morty S Tashman.
Mr Sneak sent me to have this job.
- M0rty S... - To see the personal.
Mr Arbit, good morning. Mr Tashman is here.
- Morty S Tashman. - To see you about a job.
- Yeah. - OK, Miss Giles. Send him in.
- Could you go right in, please? - Thank you very much.
That one was there when I me through.
Seems like everything has to be... I'm sorry.
I didn't notice that. I'm sorry. Would you mind if I just...?
There's no more? That's it, then. I can go in.
At the wardrobe department, ask for the head, Mr. Babe Wosenthal.
Mr. Babe... Who?
Babe Wosenthal. He's the head of Wardrobe.
- Benfantinton. - No. Well, it's hard.
- I'll help you. Say babe. - Babe.
- Wos. - Wos.
- Ent. - Ent.
- All. - All.
- Babe Wosenthal. - Benpainfinton.
No. Forget it. Just follow me.
- Morning. How are you? - Fine, Mr Wabenlotnee.
I'd like to have you meet Morty. Morty, this is Mr Wabenlotnee.
- Hello, Morty. - Hello, Mr Habenoppin.
May I help you? A lot of people have difficulty.
- It's Wa. - Wa.
- Ben. - Ben.
- Lot. - Lot.
- Nee. - Nee.
- Wabenlotnee. - Bobbinnotten.
No, that was the other guy.
- I must leave. I'm a little late. - I'm sorry.
- See you later. - So long.
Mr Babe Wosenthal, I'd like you to meet Morty.
I'm in a hurry. Have him see Mr Verdmittinin.
But I was just practicing Wabennabbin. Who should I...? Vermin...
- He's the head of the other head. - I'll see Mr Hebbin... Varbinin...
One of those guys. Pick up a card and punch it in before you go in.
- Do I ask for any names? - Just the card.
- Thank you. - Good luck.
Who's this Miss Gase?
Get back in line. And no talking.
Things are tough enough without suggestions and interruptions.
This won't take long. Just go inside and get your wardrobe assignments.
You were all here yesterday. Please try and be a little patient.
We're making a motion picture.
OK, Charlie. All right, kids. Come on. Move inside. Right away.
I don't wanna lose any time on this picture. Hurry it along.
We're gonna start right away.
Right down the street. Keep going. Straight down.
What's the matter? Go ahead. Come on. Move it along.
All right, kids. Settle down.
Take your positions. The same ones as yesterday.
You know what to do, and that this is a quality scene
in one of Mr Buzzbee's quality pictures.
Good morning, Mr Buzzbee. Get a good night's sleep?
- Rehearse. Action. - Here she is...
- Hold it! We make it on film. - We make it on film.
Everybody ready? Camera.
- Speed. - Action.
Here she is, direct from three months of no work,
Miss Bubbles Rothschild.
Hit the music. Playback.
Hold it! Hold it!
- Hold it! Hold it! - Hold it! Hold it!
He appears to be sore about something.
This is one of his precious moods. I've never seen him so warm and kind.
You weren't here yesterday. How come?
- I'm not... - Hold it!
- When they were all... I'm not... - Hold it! Hold it!
Speed.
Did you forget the words?
When I heard the wacka-do-da, it made me...
I was gonna tell you that I don't belong to work...
I like that tune a lot.
I'll go away now, so you can do your other movie parts.
Now listen, and listen loud!
When you guys come and go from this office,
I want you to come and go in quick order.
Without unnecessary chatter amongst yourselves.
- Haskins! - Yes, sir.
See that the accounting department gets these letters.
- Lance! I... - Yes, sir.
I want you to make a pick-up at TP's office. Double time!
Larkin! Go down...to the LA post office for a registered letter
and sign for it and bring it back here quick.
- And now, Morty... - Yeah!
- Morty. - Yeah.
- Before I give you your assignment... - Don't yell or hit.
- ...let me make this clear. - I'll listen to every clear.
- Good. This is very important to me. - I'll do all the things.
Now, you are to take these packages, envelopes, papers...
...and other matter, and papers...
- Also these? - Also these.
Deliver them to the addressee on the outside of each item.
- Is that clear? - Yes, it's very clear.
If I see it says to go to a place, I'll go, but if I don't, it won't be clear.
Now for the important part.
You know, Morty, I'm a very patient man.
I noticed how terrific your mind is.
It takes a great deal for me to become unhinged for any reason.
When my nerves tip me off that I'm going to become unglued,
I have to assert myself. Do you understand?
- You're about to smack people. - That's when I have to assert myself!
- If you just don't bang. - Is that clear?
That scared me and it's clear. Is there more you're gonna tell me?
- Yes. Yes, there's more. - Tell me, then.
- The best part. - Don't hit.
When you go out that confounded screen door,
I want you to be sure, I want you to be absolutely sure,
that the screen door does not slam.
- I'll be careful that it won't make a noise. - Thank you.
- Pick up these packages, envelopes... - The envelopes...
- I take them all at the same time? - Please do.
Packages and envelopes...
I can... I'll take the packages and then I can carry the envelopes, too.
All the things, and I won't let that door slam.
And the let... And all the delivering parts.
Envelopes and packages and...
And I'll carry all of that to the names
of whatever is on the address.
I got a typewriter, it seems.
I better leave the machine.
- Watch that door, Morty. - Yeah, it won't slam.
I was worried about the noisy typewriter.
Morty! Don't!
That Lindbergh sure had guts, didn't he?
All the way by himself.
Cold water.
Eleven. Anyone for eleven?
Twelve. Twelve out, please. Let them out.
Thirteen. Thirteen.
This is thirteen!
Do you smoke, ma'am?
Thank heavens.
I'm so sorry. I never would...
You look just... I don't... Really, never before...
Somehow I have a feeling it's very close to lunchtime.
Well, so it is.
And I would judge by the grip on the lunch boxes
and the amount of moisture around the lips
that the lunch bell should ring in about 15 seconds.
When that bell rings, it means you have exactly 3O minutes to eat your lunch.
Not 31 minutes, mind you. 3O minutes.
Now, we usually eat right here in the office to save a little time.
And now for you ladies and gentlemen who enjoy early dinner music for lunch,
it's the lovely, soft and tender strains
of Cordovan and his world-famous string quartet
playing Stout Rain.
You dropped your lettuce.
Three of them that... That's from...
Four of them... I've seen them on television.
That's what I thought when...
Sandwich...
You're scared also.
Could I have an autograph?
MAIL ROOM
- Hello. I was sent. - From Production.
- Are you the errand boy? - I was gonna say that.
- They told me to relieve you. - I'll only be a minute.
What do I do? Just take... I'm sorry.
- I just take the checks and... - Yeah.
Thank you.
How do you work this?
- Hello. - Hello.
- What'll you have? - I want 25 cents' worth of jelly beans.
25 cents' worth?
Those are very good, those bonbons. You want...?
What about liquorice?
A dollar a pound.
25 cents a quarter-pound.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Jelly beans. That's the best.
Doesn't that go back in?
Here's one. What would you like?
I would like 25 cents' worth of those jelly beans, too.
That's not good?
What would happen if the woman was here? She'd be...
What's happened to this thing?
It's not...
You get extra this way.
There you go.
Here. You can split the extra with her.
It's very hard... I'll leave it out.
You want 25 cents' worth of jelly beans?
- No, thank you very kindly, sir. - "Thank you very kindly."
Very nice little boy. Polite.
I like children that are polite.
I'm glad... This is heavy.
Sonny, what would you like?
I'd like to have 10 cents' worth of jelly beans.
Geronimo! Banzai!
You little monsters!
Cut! Cut! Hold it! Cut!
Hold it!
No word from the kid yet?
There hasn't been any word No, not a word, TP, sir.
I see. Are you sure nobody knows anything?
I'm sure nobody knows anything... Positive, sir...TP.
Does anybody suspect?
Anybody suspect...? Rest assured that no one knows he's alive.
Now, listen and listen loud.
Listen to the man.
When you go and come out of here,
we want you to come and go in short order.
Get it in, get it out, get it back, get it forward, get it fast, get it slow.
We're on a big thing. When I say go, whoopee.
Right? Right. Check.
Did he see me?
Kidding around, you know.
- Morty. - Yes, sir.
Know where the stenographic department is?
Out here, turn right, go up three ﬂights.
- The quickest way for you to go... - I'm not going! You're going!
- I want to be sure you know where it is. - I do.
These are very important script changes for Gunfighters Of The Prairie.
They need this right away. They'll probably shoot it this afternoon.
- Yes, sir. - And, Morty...
- Please... - Don't worry, sir.
What can happen? I deliver the papers.
Morty, don't slam the...door.
They told me to bring...
This is where you bring the...
They said to bring the job... Here are the papers.
They said to bring this paper here to have...
To have... The papers...
- Gunslinging In Your Belt. - This is The Sea Of The Big Pirates.
Miss Herok is working on The Gunfighters Of The Prairie.
I'm sorry. Thank you. I'll bring over all the pages...
Are you Miss Hammond? Are you...?
Are you the girl that"?
Are you Miss Ham...Her...?
I brought The Gun...
Those are blue-page changes. I only work on white pages.
- Well... - You have to see Miss Calonica.
She works on the blue pages.
- Her? That person is gonna take that? - Yeah, she works on the blue pages.
- Thanks a lot, Miss Heidenan. - You're welcome.
Let me help... Let me...
Here's a bunch of them.
I didn't mean... Don't look mad.
You can... Maybe a sweeper would be...
Let's go.
If we're late again, Grumpy won't be as precious as usual.
I'm gonna finish my milk.
It's the only time of the day that I have any energy.
It's the only... Milk is for my teeth. And calcium.
To make me... Milk is the best.
I drink it a lot to be strong.
- Sounds different. I can't wait. - Me too. I've never seen rushes.
And this scene you mentioned was shot only yesterday?
That's right. You see that film just as I do, for the first time.
Now, it will only take a minute and we'll be ready.
In the meantime, let me explain.
Now, this scene is without words.
Just music.
It's a cocktail party at one of the richest families in Philadelphia.
The daughter comes in, finding her mother and father gone,
leaving only the guests with drinks in their hands and then...
Watch.
What is that? Where does that face come from?
Whose face is that?
- You didn't plan that? - Plan that? Are you crazy?
Look! My film is ruined!
Who is that? Will somebody please tell me?
It is kaput. Everything is kaput.
The film is kaput, I am kaput.
What are we waiting for, Jedson?
For the film, Mr Greenbag.
We can't roll for a sound take unless we're in sync.
Sync! You guys always use technical terms so producers don't understand.
And if we made it sound simple?
- I thought we should go ahead... - All right, roll it.
Scene 36-5.
Goodbye, my little darling.
I'm gonna miss you.
Goodbye, Brett, honey.
I hate to see a cry in your eye.
Please, Brett, don't fret, because you are my...
I know. What do you think I called this dubbing session for?
She's awful. Horrible.
And I don't think she can sing either.
Now shall we try one with the singer doing it?
Please.
Everything on. We go for a take with the other voice.
If you're ready, we can try a take.
I'm all set when you are.
36-5.
Please, Brett, don't fret, because you are my...
Wonderful, miss. Just simply wonderful.
- Fellas, that's a print. Lunch, one hour. - Good boy.
Goodbye, my little darling. I'm gonna miss you.
Goodbye, Brett, honey.
I hate to see a cry in your eye.
Please, Brett, don't fret, because you are my...
Here we are.
When you see this doctor, ask him why you always get laryngitis.
You've had it three times in a matter of months.
You? What are you doing here?
I guess it's all fight this time.
Morty, it's the medical building in Beverly Hills.
Take Mrs P there, go get the car washed, pick her up and bring her back.
Is that clear?
Yeah, I go to the medical building, drop off Mrs P,
get the car washed, pick her up and come back.
- So long. - OK.
Mrs P to Beverly Hills, car washed,
then I have a medicine man fix the building.
The motion picture premiere of the year.
Three years ago, Paramutual Studios turned out three of the top hits.
One was The Tall Pain, a tremendous picture.
Then came Heaven Is Far and, of course, Hot Heat.
Yes, and now tonight you're about to witness the world premiere showing
of Paramutual's biggest-of-all-time thriller, So? ,
starring Alba Kirk and Rock Pile.
Stepping out of his car is the star of that jungle series, Brent Wood,
and his leading lady Belle Flower.
It's a pleasure to have you with us.
Stepping out of her car is the biggest star in Hollywood since Baby LeRoy. Serina!
Maybe we can get her to say hello to us this evening.
- Serina, you look your usual lovely self. - Thank you, darling.
Step over here so the cameras can get a better look at you.
- You look your beautiful self. - Thank you. It's living a clean life.
Do you have the tickets?
I find early to bed, early to rise makes you keep that adorable size.
Well... You can certainly say that again, Serina.
Thank you, darling. I find early to
I didn't mean that you could say it again...
Five minutes.
Let me remind you that this is, without a doubt,
the very finest premiere we have had in Hollywood.
Serina only returned to this country a short time ago,
and this will be her first public appearance tonight...
Darling, do you believe what you're watching?
This is the worst piece of junk and the lousiest performances.
Yeah.
Excitement runs high here tonight.
We're sorry you couldn't be here in person.
This is really Hollywood. What a night!
And remember, this telecast"...
Come on, fellas, let's play cards.
"Brought to you by the motion picture industry's best friend,
the Defunct Insurance Company of America.
Morty
"live coverage of the most important happenings in America,
such as the bridge championships, the semi-pro soccer matches
and the annual botany show.
This is your on-the-spot reporter bidding you goodbye and good insurance.
Darling, a little fan handed me this note.
"I hope you don't mind my writing you,
"but when I first saw you in person,
"that was the day my life was complete."
Here's the key, darling.
"My life was complete and fulfilled.
"And anybody would love meeting a movie star,
"especially one as lovely, as talented, as great,
"as warm, as talented..."
Make yourself a drink, darling.
I'll get into something a little
Crazy...
- You sent for me, TP? - Come on in.
- Master... - Shut up!
Come on, get over here. And don't kiss my hands. Sit down.
- Not in my chair! - I'm sorry.
How about this little chair? I'll sit right here.
Do you have any idea how many complaints I've had
in regard to that village idiot errand boy of yours?
- No, sir, but I think... - You think? With what?
When's the last time you paid a visit to that brain of yours? You nitwit.
- But I... - But you, my eye.
Do you realise that that screw-loose imitation of a human being
has disrupted this studio beyond control?
- I know... - You know?
- Not if you yell. - And you let it continue.
Only in so far that I knew he was working out so well for us
in that other little matter.
Really? What has he come up with?
Well, I knew you wanted everything reported in a written statement.
I was just in the throes... That's a lovely suit you have. That tie...
I was compiling a report when you sent for me.
That's different. Get that report to me soon.
I hope it's half as informative as those complaints.
Yes...
Get my secretary. Miss Clay.
Miss Clay! Find that errand boy.
This is Sneak, Miss Clay.
I'm at the commissary's. Find that errand boy Morty.
Say I want to see him in my office now.
Where shall I look for him, sir?
Try the alcohol jars at the studio infirmary.
But find him!
I'll get the hats and canes, you get the dummies.
OK, Ralph.
- How many they say they wanted? - I think they wanted three.
OK, three it is.
Thank you very much for getting me up.
I was stuck there the whole night.
- Is that West Coast ding-dong school? - The kids?
They go to school here when they're making pictures.
- How come? - They have to do lessons every day.
- This must be recess. - I guess so.
- I never knew that. - We only got 2O more minutes.
- You go ahead. I wanna watch. - All right.
- Hi, men. - Hi.
- Like a few basketball lessons? - You gonna show us how?
- Sure. Would you like me to show you? - Yeah.
- My name's Morty. - OK, Morty. Give us a few lessons.
I will. You through with the ball? Let's have it. Step this way.
Get that.
Here we go.
Get that. Ball!
Keep your eye right on it.
Get the idea? It's all rhythm.
- Get the idea? Wanna try? - Yeah.
All right. Go ahead.
- You did very good, boys. - Thank you.
- I couldn't teach you much. You're good. - Thank you.
- You do this a lot? - Yeah.
- Can I see the ball? - Yeah.
You smart alecs
Here, boys. I couldn't help but see what was going on.
Let me give you some advice.
Let that kid have the ball. What good will it do if you catch him?
It'll only lead to an argument and nothing ever gets solved by arguing.
Be kind and be sweet.
You'll find out as you grow older
that it's much better to agree and to adhere to all the rules people set up.
- Your call to New York is ready. - Thank you.
- Morty! - Yes, sir.
I've got an itch that's driving me crazy. Will you scratch my back?
Your back? Yeah.
I hope no one comes in. We look so silly.
A little higher.
I hope no one comes in. We look so silly.
Oh, higher in the scratching.
Little clown.
Hello. You're Morty, aren't you?
- Yeah. How do you know? - The little clown told me all about you.
- Yeah? He's a cute little fella. - I'm Magnolia. I'm from the Deep South.
- Are you? No kidding? - No, really, I'm not kidding at all.
- I'd have never known it. - Really?
I swear.
- I'm only teasing. I'm from New Jersey. - Are you really?
Whatever brought you so far from your home?
For as long as I can remember I wanted to go to Hollywood, see the movie stars.
And the studios and all the people that made the pictures.
I guess it wasn't uncommon with me, like with other guys my age that like movies.
So I saved up some money and one day I got on a bus and here I was.
When I got here I realised I wasn't any closer to it than in New Jersey.
As you know, when you're far away from something and can't get to it,
that's not as bad as when you're close and can't get to it.
- Right? - Yeah, that's right. I think it's right.
So I guess I was just a little overanxious.
I was so delighted and happy about working at a studio that I...
I promised to give them the information they wanted.
And I can't do it.
- I even ﬂunked spy. - What a shame.
Well, that's not all.
I've done nothing but cause everybody trouble.
I didn't mean to.
I've been so delighted working here that I didn't think half the time.
I'm a gofer. They tell me to go for this and go for that.
I can't go for this or go for that even properly.
The only reason they haven't given me the axe
is because they probably figure I'm gonna tell them a lot of things.
Well, I've taken up about enough of your time.
I'm sorry that I bent your feathers so long, but...
Wait a minute.
- I thought of something. - What's that?
I know I'm not terribly smart,
and a lot of people say I lost a couple of my marbles, but I ain't dumb.
You don't have to have a Harvard graduation certificate,
although it would be good for working in Washington,
to know that puppets can't talk.
Well, that depends.
Remember when you were a boy and you went to a puppet show?
And how you'd think, "They're almost alive"?
Or, "They made me believe they're alive"?
Yeah, I remember that. I do.
It isn't any different now.
Especially when you want to believe what you see and hear.
So, Morty, you actually liked the little clown
enough to take him at face value.
You didn't stop to analyze him,
you just liked what you saw and you believed what you liked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
You know something else?
I believe you.
And I like you, too.
I like liking you.
It makes me feel good, just liking someone.
Well, I gotta really go now.
- Maybe I'll come by and see you again. - All right.
- Goodbye. - Bye-bye
- Say hello to the little clown for me. - I will.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, my darling.
Oh, my love.
My love.
And here's to a fond farewell, my love.
For we shall never meet again.
At least in this world.
But if my prayers are answered,
maybe we will meet in the world beyond.
Farewell.
Goodbye.
Cut. And print that one.
Lovely. You were more magnificent than ever, Anastasia. Brilliant.
Thank you, Jason. I thought it was rather tender.
Great, just great. But then you always are, my dear.
Splendid, Anastasia. Wonderful to wrap up the picture on your birthday.
Oh, TP.
It is your birthday, isn't it?
- How did you find out? - We have ways.
- Don't we, Sneak? - Yes, TP.
- Go fetch the champagne. Hurry. - The present...
A little surprise, darling.
Bring this!
Turn the cameras. Keep them rolling.
Roll 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Anastasia's birthday.
Happy birthday to you from me and the crew.
Happy birthday, Anastasia. Now let's drink up that brew.
Thank you, TP, and thank you, all of you. You're all so nice and wonderful.
I would like to make a sincere and honest toast.
Here's to a fond farewell, my love.
For we shall never again meet.
Al least...
But I...
Anastasia, darling, never make a toast with an empty glass.
Let me fill it, and then the toast.
Why, of course. How stupid of me.
- Open that, will you, son? - Yes, ma'am.
Oh, no!
What's going on here?
What's so funny? Tell me, so I can laugh, too.
It's the funniest thing I've seen in my entire life.
What's the funniest thing? What have you been looking at?
Your errand boy Morty. The best comedy performance I've seen in years.
Performance? From that errand boy?
Yes, the likes of which I've never seen.
Our New York method director, that's the best thing he's ever seen?
Yes, Mr Paramutual. The likes of which I've never seen.
And just who are you?
One of those "I've been making pictures for 3O years" kind of guys?
That's not enough of a criterion. You could have been making them wrong.
Let me tell you something. It might be wise for you to remember it.
Anyone in the world would give anything to do a performance
because performing is nothing more than a form of expression.
But not everyone is capable of expressing themselves openly and freely.
And therefore only a very few are chosen,
chosen to communicate and express for the millions
that either can't, don't know how or would never get the opportunity to do so.
Those few that are chosen are called actors, but they're still people.
I might add, a very special kind of people.
Yes, Mr Paramutual, that was a performance.
Given by one who can express what he feels,
whether it be dramatic or comic,
because he communicates.
He communicates.
And that's the vitally important substance that makes great stars.
With this kid, Mr Paramutual,
you've not only got a potential great star and comedy find,
you've got a gold mine.
All of this is preposterous.
It is? Thank your lucky stars he's working for you.
- Right in the palm of your hand... - You have star material.
Someone who can make people laugh.
That's a quality that's difficult to define, but it's there on that screen.
This kid will make you a fortune.
More money than even you'll know what to do with, sir.
Performance! Star material! Gold mine!
Fortune?
Sneak, get that boy Morty here, will you? Hurry up.
Have you forgotten, TP?
You had him thrown off the lot, remember, O Great White Idiot?
Yeah, all right, I'm an idiot.
But please, Sneak, get that boy.
Get him yourself, big mouth.
Yeah, I'm a big mouth, but let's get that boy I need him awful bad.
I like him like a son.
Hello, Helen.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, Bob.
- Saw your picture. It was great. - Thank you.
- Babe-wo-sen-thal. - Babe-wo-sen-thal.
- Babe Wosenthal. - Baywoomfoomfoom.
No, you didn't get it. 745//
Good. You learned how... Very nice.
See you. Bye. I mean, hello.
Hello, Helen. Lorraine. Maudlen.
Hi. Hello there. Hi. Love you.
Love you. Love you. Hi.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun.
What's that kid doing?
Hey, kid.
You're doing that all wrong. I started this way.
Let me come up here a second. I'll show you what...
Let me show you how to do this.
It's a very difficult job unless you do it right. Don't panic. Hold it.
I did this. That's how I started.
You don't mind if I show you? You're getting mixed up.
- You gotta do this with patience. - I'll watch whatever you show me.