[No Audible Dialogue]
[Man] Who's this, Tonto?
#I walk along the streets of sorrow #
#The boulevard ofbroken dreams #
#Where gigolo and gigolette #
# Can steal a kiss but not forget #
#The boulevard of broken dreams ##
I'll give you a hint.
He's Italian. That's right.
Russ Colombo.
## [Humming]
## [Continues]
Attaboy.
- Buenos días, Jesus. - Hey, what do you say?
Hey, did you see Ironside last night? Some show.
No, last night I read.
You know, he's in a wheelchair all the time.
And, uh, he gets this case with this rich lady-
very beautiful, blonde.
She's afraid her husband wants to kill her.
- Poison her. - I thought you said you didn't watch.
Well, the husband usually chooses poison.
He takes the case, and they got this scene where Ironside...
has got to get to the woman in time to grab the poison from out of her hand.
In a glass of milk. [Laughing]
- You saw it. - Okay, kiddo.
One half-dozen eggs.
One container of skim milk.
Two of the, uh, low-cal cottage cheeses.
Give me a quarter pound of that nice tender liver.
And a pint of sweet cream.
Hey, that cat eats better than me.
Jesus, eating is the most important thing in the life of a cat.
Eating is the most important thing in the life of me too.
Yeah, but you can read a book. You can look at television.
- You can make love to your wife. - Bullshit!
Can of tuna.
That cat gets it more than I do.
Oh, no. Those days are over for both of us.
Come on. My grandfather, he's 82, and he never stops screwing.
I stand in awe. What's his secret?
I don't know. Maybe 'cause he still lives in Puerto Rico.
Maybe because, uh, he eats a lot of, uh, bananas.
- Bananas? - Maybe because he don't know he's 82.
I see. Wrap it up to go.
Times.
Thank you. Who's the vice president this week?
Who cares?
[Tires Screeching]
One life, one death, one heaven, one hell.!
And one immortality, and one annihilation! Woe is me!
Shelley's "Epipsychidion," you dumb son of a bitch!
[Horn Honking]
[Meowing]
All right, baby, all right.
Okay. All right.
All right.
Hi, kid.
- Did you see that? - No.
Fellow almost ran me over.
- What kind of car? - I don't know. A big gray job.
Capitalist bastard!
What if it had been a Volkswagen?
Nazi bastard.
No, no, Jacob. I mean, if it was a small car...
would it make the fellow not a capitalist?
But it wasn't a small car.
I don't understand your logic.
Why should you be any different than the rest of America?
- Have a banana. - No, no.
I- I lost my good teeth at home. Let me see the market.
- Jacob, they want me to move. - What?
I got a notice that they're tearing down my building...
putting up a fancy parking lot.
Capitalist bastards!
They will not move me out of my apartment.
I have some former students who pull considerable weight.
Is the mayor a former student of yours?
You can't fight capitalism in the courts.
You got to go to the streets.
Man the barricades, plant the dynamite.
Blow up the cesspool.
You want, you can move in with me.
I appreciate that, Jacob.
But I think we'd end up hating each other.
You know, I can be a real pain in the ass.
I lived with my wife for 40 years.
- I can live with you. - [Chuckling]
No, at Tonto's age, moving can be a real problem.
He knows the neighborhood. Got a lot of friends.
You know, Jacob...
I think that he's beginning to understand Spanish.
¿Qué pasa, Tonto?
All right, there. All right.
All right. We'll be home in a minute.
You got any spare change, old man?
Yeah, I have some spare change...
but I don't have any to spare.
I can let you have a banana.
Help! I'm being mugged!
"You heavens, give me that patience...
"patience that I need!
You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, as full of-"
- You all right, Harry? - I was mugged.
- White boy or black boy? - What the hell difference does it make?
- I just like to know, that's all. - White.
Hot damn.
If it makes you feel any better, the last one was Puerto Rican.
- I got him. I got him. - You got it?
A fella I know up in Harlem...
got his false teeth stolen.
Clear daylight.
The mugger put a knife behind him...
scared him so...
his dentures dropped clear out of his mouth.
Mugger grabbed his wallet and his teeth.
A man's gotta be mighty low for that.
Leroy, could you spare a little cream for Tonto?
I'll be up by and by.
Gracias.
Hasta la vista.
Adios!
- Good morning, Mrs. R. - Good morning, Mr. C.
Did you see Ironside last night? Some show.
I loved the scene where he saved the wife's life.
Wasn't that something? I almost had a heart attack.
And they say there's nothing good on TV.
Have you found a place yet?
I haven't looked.
Well, there'll always be room for you at my place, kiddo.
I'll be in Miami.
That's very sweet of you, Mrs. R...
but I don't think I could take all that sunshine.
You can't say I didn't offer.
Who's this, Tonto?
#When the blue of the night #
# Meets the gold of the day #
# Someone waits for me ##
## [Humming]
- [Tonto Meows] - That's right, Bing Crosby.
## [Humming]
Okay, baby.
Come on.
Come on, baby. That a baby.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
There you go. Ah.
I'll give you some fresh water.
Okay.
Here it is. There we go.
Would you believe it, Tonto?
Mugged four times this year.
Four times.
You know, in a way...
I'm glad Annie isn't here to see it.
She loved this neighborhood.
Who could argue with her?
It was like Shakespeare's London.
Bristling with energy.
Ah, the day is still bristling...
but without the energy.
There were trolleys, Tonto.
Cobblestones.
The aroma of corned beef and cabbage.
Tangy zest of...
apple strudel.
You had to hand-crank the cars in those days, Tonto.
Cars like REOs.
Franklins.
Hudsons.
Those were names fit for a car.
These days a man doesn't know...
whether he's driving a car or an animal.
Mustangs, Jaguars, Cougars-
Pintos.
Silly.
I used to drive Burt around on his paper route.
Yeah, we had paper routes in those days.
Get him up early in the morning.
Help the boy make some pocket money.
It's a wonderful neighborhood.
It's run-down.
It's running down.
It all runs down sooner or later.
Where would I go to live?
I still know a lot of people around here, Tonto.
You know people...
that's home.
[Yawning]
[Siren Wailing]
Get a job, folks.
[Officer On Loudspeaker] We know you're in there, Mr. Combes...
and we ask you in a nice way to please come down of your own volition.
You're only making things worse for yourself.
- I repeat, you're only making things worse for yourself. - Why don't you use tear gas?
- Fire a cannon! - We repeat, Mr. Combes-
- Shoot in the workers'houses.! - You are endangering your own life...
- as well as the lives of many other people. - Bastard.!
Please come down.
The city of New York will guarantee you replacement housing, Mr. Combes.
Please, sir, come on out of your apartment.
You are costing the city valuable tax dollars.
[Jacob] Arrest the whole West Side.!
Don't you touch me.!
Fascist bastard!
- You can't park there. - [Jacob] Fascist.!
- Hey, you hear what I said? You can't park there! - That's my father!
Oh, Pop.
"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks!
- "Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanes- - Get the furniture!
But he's in a "No Parking" zone.
- I said, get the furniture! - "Spout till you have...
drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!"
- Drown the cocks, baby! - Pop, I want you to act your age.
I am. "You sulphurous, thought-executing fires...
"vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts.
Singe my white head!"
Pop, I want you to come home with me.
- This is my home. - Pop, you've exhausted all your legal means.
Not my moral means. Not- The mugger.
That boy mugged me!
That's the boy that mugged me.!
I've been thinking about Lear these past few weeks.
I'm talkin' to you, Burt.
I'm- I'm listening, Pop.
What'd I say?
You said you were thinking about Lear.
- Lear who? - I don't know, Pop.
King Lear.
He gave up his real estate too.
You know what happened to him...
what they did to him?
They foreclosed.
That's life.
An old man loses his home...
he's just a wanderer.
You got a home now, Pop.
Will you pass the salad, please?
[Tonto Meows]
[Screeching, Hissing]
He's nervous about the new surroundings.
- It's just a matter of time, Pop. - We have Brown Betty for dessert.
Fine, fine.
How about some Brown Betty, Norman, hmm?
- You can chew on that for a couple of weeks. - Leave him alone, Burt.
All right. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
[Sighs]
See you in a few minutes, kid.
Hope you like the vibes.
[Meows]
- Yeah, he's bothering me. - I wish you would just eat your own food.
What is it supposed to do? I don't know.
Listen, I've got as m- l-
I know as much about political consciousness as Norman does.
- I just want a little respect. - You'll be out of here soon enough.
- When I talk to him, I wanna get answers. - He doesn't answer me.
- Why should he answer you? - Because we're in the same generation, that's why!
What's the problem?
It's my brother, and he's insane. That's the problem.
- I don't like that, Burt. - Hey.
You may have noticed, Dad, that Norman doesn't speak very much.
[Scoffs] Much?
He's taken a vow of silence.
I know. He wrote me a note.
Rather interesting.
I've done considerable reading about Zen, yoga.
He hasn't.
I don't understand that diet he's on though.
Macrobiotics.
Well, he seems healthy.
Maybe you oughta give it a try, Elaine.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, I think you've put on a little weight.
[Chuckles]
I think that's very rude.
Oh, l- I apologize.
I know you think you're really far out.
You smoke a couple of joints, and you think you're into something, right?
No. Hey, I know.
I mean, I took 32 trips, you ninny.
Pure stuff. Pure rainbow.
I have more coke stuffed up this nose than you could breathe air.
I was into heavy Tibetan meditation for two years, you Jimbo!
You're not very tolerant, Junior.
The heaviest thing I can do for him is to wake him up!
You do that one more time, Burt...
and I'll stuff something up your nose!
And you-y-y-you take that mackerel rice and- and-
Change your shirt.!
- [Elaine] This is a wonderful dinner for Pop. - [Burt] I've had it up to here.!
- Roast beef and all.! - And I cooked it.!
- [Norman] Okay. Okay. - [Rustling]
[Groans]
[Coughs]
You spoke.
In your sleep you said, "Okay, okay."
[Chuckles]
[Coughing]
[Meows]
Humphrey Bogart.
Sorry, Pop.
We've had a lot of robberies in the neighborhood lately.
- That thing real? - Yeah.
Sorry.
Burt, you'll have to get used to me.
I get up once a night to go.
Listen, you can go 10 times a night if you want. All right?
You promise you won't shoot me?
We're glad to have you here, Pop.
Okay, go to sleep. Get some sleep.
Oh, that's okay.
[Coughs]
Let's talk for a few minutes.
Okay. I'll talk and you nod.
Norman, is there any literature...
specifically relating to what you're doing?
I'd like to read them.
I've never done anything quite so extreme.
I'm not against it.
Not as long as it's growth-promoting.
Now, when I was your age...
I did a lot of foolish things.
Have you taken any of these drugs?
Mescaline?
Peyote?
Psilocybin?
L.S.D.?
Heroin?
You're a good boy, Norman.
Norman...
is there any way you could describe...
just how you feel?
Good night.
A fellow from Armenia just became a father at the age of 93.
He must eat a lot of bananas.
He says he smokes and he drinks...
and he still works in the fields.
- When did you last have a woman, Jacob? - What?
When did you last sleep with a woman?
Saturday night.
March, 1951.
Yeah, it was about 10:00 at night.
[Chuckles] You have a wonderful memory.
I also remember the first time.
I was 14 years old.
[Chuckles]
It was snowing.
Bitter cold. Twenty below.
Maybe worse.
Winters in Poland-
Your piss would freeze before it hit the ground.
[Laughing] Yeah. But, Harry...
I went into the barn to get some wood.
Mmm, some firewood, and we had this- this servant girl.
Annushka.
Uh, she- she was already 20.
Oh, she was, uh-
she was milking the cow.
Uh, she had tits...
bigger than the cow.
Cold as it was, I was burning for her, and she knew it.
Ah, Annushka.
Then my father came in and found us...
and he almost killed me.
Did you ever have Annushka again?
No. No.
My father started slipping it to her regularly.
- Polish logic. - He was a capitalist bastard!
We are in for a depression...
that will make the '30s look like paradise.
Maybe it's a good thing.
The hard-hats and the phony liberals will kill each other.
## [Pop]
[Claps]
## [Humming Along]
Play my song.
[Chuckling]
Yea!
#We will raise a family #
- #A gal for you # - #And a boy for me #
# Can't you see how happy we will be ##
- Yea. Terrific! - [Cheering]
Well, that was fabulous. Thank you. That was great.
- Yeah, that meal was fabulous. - Oh.
I was gonna try to cook some authentic soul food...
but then I got afraid it wouldn't turn out all right.
- That's fine. Fine. - But I love the soul food.
Burt and I ate it at a little place...
in the East Village that specializes in it.
- Do you remember, Burt? - Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that- that tiny place, yeah.
It's run by an elderly Afro-American woman.
- I didn't know they had soul food in Africa. - Pass the wine, Junior.
- It was a fabulous meal. - Thank you.
- We had grits, black-eyed peas... - Ooh.
Okra and pig's knuckle.
I got pig knuckles runnin' outta my ears. My mother makes 'em every night.
Leroy's living with his mother temporarily.
- That's wonderful. - I don't know about that.
She nags me from morning till night.
"Get a job. Get a job. Go out and get yourself a job!"
She's gettin' meaner and meaner.
- How old is your mother? - Ninety.
She's riled because she's workin' and I'm not.
Well, she must be an extraordinary woman to be able to work at that age.
Well, she does cleaning two days a week.
Isn't that fantastic?
[Leroy Chuckles] It's not as if I'm not tryin'.
I go out every day trying to find another janitorial job.
They're tearin' down more buildings than they're building up.
Right. Well, listen, have you tried the, uh, unemployment office?
They tore down the one in our area.
I'm going downtown to the main office tomorrow.
- What about welfare? - My mother's on welfare.
I thought you said she was working.
Welfare don't know she's working.
Besides, that's scratch for me.
- It's better than nothing. - [Leroy] For her, it is.
She won't give me a dime.
You're missing the point, Junior.
Leroy wants a place of his own.
It doesn't make any difference how old a man is...
he needs his privacy.
Are you saying that you don't have enough privacy?
- Elaine. - I'm talking to your father.
I think we're doing the very best that we can.
I would like it if you could have a room of your own...
but we're not millionaires.
That's a very stupid remark, Elaine.
It's not a stupid remark, Burt.
Elaine's just being honest about it.
Well, it- it isn't very easy to accommodate another person.
Especially when the person is as unaccommodating as I am.
Let's just drop the discussion.
I'm old and cranky and just a general all-around pain in the butt.
- Now, I didn't say that. - Hey, I'm gettin'married in the spring...
- so Grandpa can have my room. - I may be dead by the spring.
- Pop. - Look, I'll find a place of my own this week.
Nobody is asking you to move.
We love havin' you here, Pop.
You're a fool, Burt.
I'm driving Elaine out ofher mind.
Every second I spend here is a burden to her.
Well, l- I can't see your other children sending out invitations.
I don't see the mail pouring in from Chicago or Los Angeles.
Elaine, will you shut up?
Well, thanks for a lovely evening.
I think I best be going home.
I'll see you out, Leroy.
[Groans]
I don't promise the elevator will ever work.
A little exercise is good at our age.
I don't think it's safe anyway.
Best place to get mugged is the elevator.
I was mugged four times this year.
- You must live in a good neighborhood. - I lived in this area.
- Where are you now? - In the suburbs with my son.
Let's wait a second, huh?
- I'm glad you said it. - [Sighs] How old do you think I am?
We both can use an elevator.
How old?
- Oh, 60, 64. - [Scoffs]
When I was 64 I could run up those stairs.
- Seventy-three. - Amazing. You don't look it.
I feel it.
He'll be outta here the end of the week.
- Excuse me. Buenos días. - Buenos días.
The owner will split the paint job with you.
- A little small, isn't it? - Less to clean.
What do you want a big place for?
You're not gonna give any big parties.
A room with a view.
At our age, if you don't know what the world looks like, you never will.
- How much? - Hundred and 20.
- You pay the utilities. - It's a steal.
Well, you gotta know how to shop.
Me? [Scoffs] I could get along on just toast and tea...
as long as I have my chocolate bars.
My husband's the problem. He loves his meat.
Been in the hospital for five weeks now.
I've heard from him about three times.
Every time I call, they say, "He'll pull through,"
but they never tell me when he's comin' home.
I never miss him when he's home.
But I miss him a lot when he's in the hospital.
Lfhe were here, I'd have someone to argue with.
I'd find him a nice piece of meat.
- I have a pet. - Huh?
- I have a pussycat. - Why the hell are you wasting my time?
No cats. No dogs.
No animals. Get out of here!
Have you got 35 cents?
- [Horns Honking] - Why 35?
I want to buy a mink coat.
[Honking Continues]
- There you are. - Ah, thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
I think I'll go to Chicago.
Spend a few weeks with Shirley.
Pop, it's freezing in Chicago.
I want to see her.
Besides, I think it'd be good for all of us...
to have a little vacation from each other.
I called Shirley yesterday. It's all set.
Why didn't you tell me that, Pop?
- How is she? - She sounded fine.
Sends you her love.
I think you're makin' a big mistake, Pop.
Uh, just double-park, Burt.
I'll do this myself.
Pop, at least let me buy the plane ticket.
You promise I won't get hijacked?
- Promise. - Okay.
I guess I'm a little scared of flying.
You'll love it.
You're a good boy, Burt.
I'll only be a few minutes.
[Door Closes]
[Phone Ringing]
- This is a 40-minute trip for me. - Look, there is no Reynolds.
Found in a bathtub in Jackson Heights.
- I want an autopsy today, and I want an autopsy by noon. - There is a Renaldo, Rivera-
That's it. That's it, Renaldo.
He's Reynolds. Reynolds!
Christ Almighty.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
I came here to identify a body.
- Have a seat, please. - Thank you.
- Name? - Combes.
- [Man] They got Renaldo. - [Humming]
- I don't have any Combes. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Combes. Rivetowski-
Jacob Rivetowski.
- 3014 Amsterdam Avenue? - That's right.
- Well, what is your relationship to him? - I was his friend.
Well, I'm sorry. You have to be a blood relative.
Well, you'll have to go to Poland to find a blood relative.
Do you know his social security number?
Well, he hasn't worked in 20, 25 years.
What is his date of birth?
Well, he claimed to be 77 years old.
But if you ask me, I think he was older.
You know, at that age they get a little vain.
Do you have any documents?
No.
Madam, I just want to get my friend buried.
Come with me.
That's him.
So long, kid.
Take your time.
He had his first affair when he was 14.
Okay.
Thank you.
[Sniffs]
Uh, he's taking the 403 to Chicago.
You go right on through to gate 28.
All right, uh-
- Here you go, mate. - All right. Thank you.
- Can I take that for you? - No. No. No, thanks.
Burt, I don't like long good-byes.
Pop, here.
I want you to enjoy yourself.
- Burt, I have enough money. - If I know Shirley, you'll need it.
All right. Thank you.
Now listen, you know you got a place here, you understand?
Fine. Fine. Now, if anything should happen to me-
- Oh, what are you talkin' about? - Well, just a minute.
You never know. My lawyer is Herb Appleby of Appleby, Ross and Montgomery.
They have my will, my safe deposit key.
- Thanks, Burt. Thanks for everything. - Now listen.
- You-You call me as soon as you get there, all right? - Okay. Okay.
Okay.
- [Tonto Meowing] - Don't worry, Tonto.
Nobody's gonna touch you. Just lookin' for time bombs.
Hey, mister, don't even joke like that.
- [Man On P.A.] Trans World Airlines- - They gonna search my cat?
- They search everything. - [Man On P.A. Continues, Indistinct]
- Relax. Nobody's gonna- - Please step through.
- Would you please step through? - Should I turn my hearing aid off?
- No, no, that's okay.
- But let me have the case, please. - No, it's only my cat.
You have to step through alone, sir.
I don't step through anything without this cat.
Sir, it's government regulations.
Are you telling me I can't get on that plane if I don't let go of this cat?
Sir, we have to examine every parcel that is hand-carried.
Well, this parcel contains one cat, one piece of shag rug...
a rubber "mousy," and about a half a pound of kitty litter.
A rubber "mousy," and about a half a pound of kitty litter.
- [Meows] - Wet kitty litter.
Sir, you're holding up the line.
What the hell do you think I've got in here, a submachine gun?
- Sir, would you come this way, please? - What?
I said I'd like to talk to you here for a minute.
- Where? - I would like to talk to you.
This way.
I want my bag back!
- That was a short trip. - It's the brown job with the black strap.
Taxi!
- Where can I get a bus to Chicago? - At the bus station.
How much does it cost to go to the bus station?
- About 10 bucks. - It's a deal.
There we go.
It's not far, is it? My cat is thirsty.
- Oh, is that a cat in there, sir? - Yeah.
I'm gonna have to charge you for it as if it was luggage.
All right.
Hey, are you a salesman?
Yeah. I'm one of the last of your traveling salesmen.
We don't see many of you fellas anymore.
We're a dying breed.
- What do you sell? - Cats.
Oh, is that so?
Let me tell you something.
Times are bad. Don't you believe what they're saying in the papers about a recession.
- We're in a depression. - You better believe it.
Time was when I could go into a town...
sell six or seven cats before lunchtime.
Siamese, Burmese, Manx, Persian.
Hey, my mom had a Persian.
Russian blue, chocolate...
calico, rex.
What's a rex?
See what I mean? People don't know cats anymore.
A rex is a 20-pounder.
Geez, it must cost an arm and a leg to feed that thing.
That's why nobody buys them anymore.
But Chicago- great town for cats.
Why is Chicago a great town for cats?
I don't know. It just is.
Excuse me.
I thought since we're gonna be traveling companions...
we ought to at least know each other.
Harry Combes.
Dominic Santosi.
Glad to know you, Dominic.
Quite a sandwich you have there.
I've often wondered if the derivation of the phrase "hero sandwich"...
- [Meows] - Comes from the word "heroic."
The adjective "heroic" can be taken to mean...
gallant, courageous, brave.
It can also mean huge, large.
You want a bite?
My- My cat is hungry.
Thank you.
You, uh, take this trip often?
I'm going to Chicago.
Visit my daughter.
What does one do about urinating?
There's a john in the back.
Thank you, Dom.
Eh.
[Meows, Screeches]
I didn't think so.
- Uh, excuse me. - Sorry, you can't talk to the driver...
- while the bus is in motion. - Uh, my cat has to relieve himself.
You're not supposed to have any animals on the vehicle.
Look, this is an animal, and he's on this vehicle, and he has to go.
How did you get that cat on this bus?
- I carried him on in his case. What difference does it make? - Then let him pee in his case.
He doesn't want to pee in his case. His litter is soiled.
A cat is a very clean animal. He doesn't like to make where another animal has made.
I can't stop this bus, mister!
Listen, driver, you better stop this bus...
or my cat is gonna do his business on somebody's leg!
- You got one minute. - Thank you.
Thank you. [Grunts]
Okay. Hurry it up, kiddo.
Hurry it up. Come on.
Hurry it up.
Tonto! Tonto!
Tonto.!
Tonto!
Hey, Tonto!
Tonto!
Hey, mister, let's go! I can't wait!
Let's go! I'm gonna lose my job!
I can't leave without my cat.
I can't hold this ride up. We're an express.
All right. Get- Get my bag. It's the brown job with the black strap.
- I can't leave you out here. - I will not leave without my cat!
There's another bus due in about an hour and a half. You could flag her down.
- Okay, just get my bag. - All right, I'll get it.
- Is this it? - Yes, that's it. Put it down.
Tonto!
Tonto.
I don't like it. I don't like it at all, you rotten cat!
You half-scared the life outta me!
I tell you, Tonto, I don't like your attitude.
- [Meows] - All right.
You don't want to be on those buses, do you?
You want to be free, don't ya?
I left your case on the bus.
Well, that's show business.
[Meows]
Okay. Okay. [Kisses] You're all right.
- [Meows] - Okay. Okay. Okay.
- [Meows] - Okay. That's better.
[Groans] Okay, baby.
Well, good afternoon. Nick Lewis.
Harry Combes.
- Car trouble? - Oh, it's a long story.
I need something to get me to Chicago.
Oh, boy.
- Over here. - [Grunts]
Now, this little baby only come in yesterday.
Fresh rubber. Power steering. Power brakes.
Got your factory air. Got your reclining seats. The works.
And I guarantee you, it's only had one owner.
- A little old lady. - [Chuckles] No. Little old me.
- Oh. - This used to be my car.
- Yeah, but my days for reclining seats are over. - Yeah.
Oh, every now and then I knock off a little piece...
but it gets tougher all the time, you know?
I never would have believed it.
I am 62 years old.
I can't get it up unless I take a dose of strychnine.
Strychnine? I thought strychnine was poisonous.
Naw. No.
It really gives you a lift, you know?
But I wanna tell ya, it isn't worth it.
'Cause I get such terrible headaches.
Right through my skull. "Bong! Bong!" Like a sledgehammer.
So, a fella has to decide whether he wants a migraine headache...
or a piece of ass, you know?
- Well, Nick, you live and learn. - Yeah.
Well, here.
Now, uh- Now here, we're talking about...
an automatic transmission, but no passing power.
- Uh- - Will you hold Tonto, please?
Yeah.
How much?
Let's call it 250, including tax and license.
It's all-American. [Chuckles]
[Harry] Hello?
E-Elaine?
Uh, this is Harry.
Yes. Would you speak-
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hello?
I can hear you now.
Yeah, well, uh- Let me speak to Burt.
Okay.
Uh, Burt?
Oh, I'm fine.
No, I'm not in Chicago.
L-I'm in a motel eating fried chicken.
No, I didn't take the plane. I took a bus.
But Tonto wouldn't pee on the bus...
so I went out and bought a car.
Yes, it's a good car. Safe- $250.
I don't know what year. It's a good, safe car.
Yeah. Huh?
A license?
Wait a minute. All right. Just-Just hold. Wait a minute.
Damn it to hell.
Why'd he-
Burt...
it expired in 1958.
I can get- Don't you shout at me like that, Burt!
I can get it renewed.
Tomorrow. Yes.
Yep.
Well, give my love to them.
Would you calm down?
Yeah.
Yes, I'll call you when I get to Chicago.
Right.
Okay, son.
Don't worry. Bye-bye.
[Sighs]
You know, Tonto, when I was very young...
I thought about driving cross-country.
Never made it though.
Met Annie, and that was that.
Kids, family, work.
It wasn't Annie's fault though.
No, we had good times.
But, you know, maybe-
maybe I thought there just wasn't enough...
time, or enough money.
And on the other hand, there really was.
We had good times though.
Good times.
Lake Saranac, Cape Cod-
beautiful summers.
Annie loved to swim.
Much better swimmer than I was.
Powerful strokes.
People used to wonder how that little body...
could churn through the water that way.
Wonderful.
I'll let you in on something, Tonto.
I have a great fear of pain.
I would rather go... like that...
than suffer for a long time.
Oh, how Annie suffered.
The suffering was worse than the dying.
- I dreaded seeing her in the morning. - [Siren Chirps]
She never complained.
Never complained.
That was my specialty.
Hell, you know, you never really feel somebody's suffering.
You only feel their death.
Just act normal, kiddo.
Just act normal.
- [Harry] You have a driver's license? - Yes, sir.
- Hop in. Take over the wheel. - Ah, Jesus loves you.
Hallelujah.
[Man] "James, the son of Alphaeus...
"Thaddeus...
"Simon the Canaanean...
"and Judas Iscariot...
"who betrayed him.
"These 12 Jesus sent out...
"charging them, 'Go nowhere among the gentiles...
"'and to no town of the Samaritans...
"'but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel...
"'preaching as you go...
"'saying the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
"'Heal the sick, raise the dead...
cleanse lepers and cast out demons."'
Yeah, all right. All right.
- [Meows] - Oh, sure. I know.
Yeah.
See, these people are heading south towards Atlanta...
so I'll be on my way.
What about Chicago?
Thank you, Mr. Combes.
Bye-bye, Ginger.
Aren't you going with him?
- No. - Have an argument?
We only met the lift before yours.
Is this the Pepsi Generation?
[French Accent] # Every little bird seems to whisper Louise #
# Birds in the trees seem to whisper Louise #
- [Chuckles] - Maurice Chevalier!
How'd you know that one?
I saw him on TV.
Ginger, can I get personal?
Sure. But no lectures.
You running away from home?
Yeah.
You know where you're going?
A girl I know gave me the address of a commune in Boulder, Colorado.
Do you know what it's like in those communes?
Drugs, sex, orgies.
Yeah, well, I don't know about that.
What about your parents?
Oh, they're okay.
What about school?
I had enough.
Ginger, how old are you?
Sixteen.
- Sixteen. - Yeah.
Well, I guess I don't know what it's like to be 16 these days.
Neither do I.
When I was going to college...
I worked as a singing waiter...
in Feltman's.
[Chuckles] Coney Island.
I had a good voice.
[Ginger] You still do.
Matter of fact, I was thinking about going into show business.
But I finally realized that...
education needed me more than...
entertainment.
I needed the security of a job...
more than the thrill of performing.
Performing has a lot to do with being a good teacher, you know.
A teacher has to be on, you know, sense his audience.
I was a good teacher.
Does this bother you?
Uh, yes, I, uh-
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
I'm dressed now.
Guess I'm a...
little too old to readjust my thinking.
Now you sound like my mother.
You're just likeJessie.
Yeah? Who's Jessie?
Jessie was the first woman I ever saw naked.
Crazy, wondrous Jessie.
I wanted to marry her.
- You see, I slept with her. - Did you like her?
Like her?
I loved her.
She didn't want to marry me.
She didn't believe in marriage.
Neither do I.
She was a liberated woman long before it became fashionable.
Not just sexually liberated.
In every way.
She danced with Isadora.
Isadora Duncan.
I saw the movie with Vanessa Redgrave.
I went with Jessie for two months.
And then she...
took off for Paris with Isadora.
Then I met Annie.
And here I am.
Are you sorry?
No.
I've had a wonderful life.
I hope you don't mind taking tea.
[Grunts]
You know, it's too bad you couldn't have lived with Jessie and Annie.
[Chuckles]
Maybe that's why I didn't go into show business.
You ever hear from Jessie?
Matter of fact, I did.
After Isadora died-
- Her scarf got caught in the car wheel. - I know, I know.
She came back to the States and she got married.
Became a housewife.
Married a druggist...
from Fort Wayne, Indiana.
His name was Stone.
You really got it on with Jessie.
She was a lovely person.
Is she dead?
I don't know.
Let's go see her.
What?
Let's go see how she is.
She may have passed on.
Well, let's find out.
It's far out of our way.
So what?
[Doorbell Rings]
Yes, sir?
Uh, I'm Harry Combes.
I'm looking forJessie Stone.
What for?
- [Footsteps] - Uh, I think we've come to the wrong place.
- Can I help you? - They're looking for Grandma.
No, no. It's a mistake.
- I'm looking for a Jessie Stone. - Well, this is the place.
But my wife ain't home just yet.
Oh. Oh, I see.
- What are you looking forJessie for? - They used to be sweethearts.
- Amazing! [Laughing] - [Laughing]
It was a long time ago.
- You better believe it! - [Laughing Continues]
Hey, Jessie! Guess what!
Your boyfriend's come a-calling.!
Let me tell you straight off.
Thursday is the only day I have open...
and that's about all spoken for.
[Sighs] My feet are killin' me.
Uh, I thought you were anotherJessie Stone. Please excuse the intrusion.
Well, you got the right name, but the wrong party.
Now, you mean theJessie Stone...
that used to have the dancing school on State Street.
Yes.
I used to get her gas bills by mistake.
She was a funny lady.
Is she still alive?
I think she's in an old age home on Wharton Street.
Well, thank you, Jessie. Very nice to have met you.
Sorry if we caused you any trouble.
- It's quite all right. - Bye-bye.
- Bye. [Groans] - Come on in.
- Morning. - Good morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. No pets allowed.
- Would you put Tonto back in the car, Ginger? - Yeah.
- Uh, I want to- - Can I see your papers, please?
- I'm just visiting. - Who did you want to see?
- Jessie Stone. - Oh. She hasn't had any visitors in a long time.
- You know her well? - Well, I haven't seen her in 50 years.
Well, she may not remember you.
- Come this way. I'll take you. - Thank you.
It's right this way.
- Sometimes she seems a bit confused. - Mm-hmm.
Good morning, Thomas. Well, here we are.
- This is our arts and crafts room. - Very nice.
Yeah, we like it. Here, let's go this way.
[Quiet Chattering]
Yeah, there's Jessie.
[Man] Good morning, Jessie.
- When the hell are you going to get me another book? - Soon. Soon.
- I brought you a visitor. - Oh?
I'll leave you two together.
Hello, Jessie.
Hello, hello, hello.
Roses! You remembered.
Do you remember me?
Sit down. Sure, I remember you.
You're still very beautiful.
Thank you, Alex.
I'm Harry. Harry Combes.
These flowers need water.
- I'm Harry, Jessie. - From the past.
From the old, gray past.
From the bright, jolly past.
I thought maybe you'd forgotten.
We had some sweet times in Paris.
[Speaking French]
Merci, mademoiselle.
You're not Alex.
I'm Harry Combes from New York.
Oh, yes. The professor.
No, I didn't get that far.
So nice to see you, Jessie.
- I was on my way to Chicago to visit my daughter. - How's Annie?
She passed away.
Alex?
- Yes, Jessie? - I have nothing to read.
I'll bring you something tomorrow.
On my dresser.
I left my perfume on my dresser.
You know how I feel about perfume.
I know.
I want to go to the shore next summer.
I want to dance on the shore.
Will you take me to the shore, Alex?
I promise, Jessie.
I promise.
Let's dance.
Don't be embarrassed.
[Harry, Ginger] #Chicago, Chicago #
## [Both Humming]
## [Continues]
# Chicago, Chicago #
# My hometown #
[Solo] # Good evening #
[Together] # Friends ##
Hi, Grandpa! [Laughs]
Norman.
- What are you doing here? - Dad sent me to bring you back home.
Why? I'm fine. I'm having a wonderful time.
- Norman, this is Ginger. - Hi.
- Ginger's my traveling companion.
Harry gave me a lift.
You're looking fine, Grandpa.
- You're talking. - Yeah. Garbo speaks.
- Norman was silent for several weeks. - [Footsteps]
Well, Tonto, I see you brought my old man, huh?
You're looking good, Shirley.
You look pretty good too.
I love this place.
Well, I'm glad you finally got to see it.
Hardly recognized Norman.
[Speaking Latin]
The times change, and we change with it.
Not so much, though.
- Shirley, this is Ginger. She's with me. - Hi.
- On what basis? - Well, we met on the road.
We had a short but passionate love affair.
What do you mean?
- She ran away from home. - Oh. How old are you?
Don't worry about it. I'm leaving in the morning.
Where to?
Boulder, Colorado. Or maybe Bangladesh.
Actually, it depends on the lift.
What the hell are you gonna do in Boulder, Colorado?
Shirley, I'd like to take a nice, hot bath.
I'm sorry. Of course. I live right in the back, up there, up the stairs.
Billie, I'll be back in an hour. Okay?
- So, tell me, was it that bad at home? - No.
How old are you? Ten?
I'm 15.
- Uh-huh. - Fifteen?
You told me you were 16.
Oh, yeah. I'm 16.
Terrific. You know you're gonna get murdered in Boulder.
It's a commune where she's going.
- Harry, what the hell do you know about communes? - Don't shout at me, Shirley.
Well- [Stammers] She'll be knocked up in a week.
Ginger is not a loose girl.
Yeah, but she'll be living with a lot of loose men. Come on.
With your record with men, I wouldn't presume to give advice.
- You've had three bad marriages. - Four.
- What happened to Chico? - Ah, I threw him out.
It's upstairs.
You'll never have kids.
Oh, I don't know.
"I loved her most...
thought to set my rest on her kind nursery."
Please, Harry. No Shakespeare, huh?
What's the matter with Shakespeare?
Probably the world's greatest writer.
I know. I agree.
- I'm tired. - I know.
Listen, why don't you hang around?
I could help you, get you some counseling or something.
Oh, no, thanks. I've had three years of it already.
Why don't I get us some fried chicken?
- You're eating too. - I'll go with you.
Okay. I like you, Norman.
I like you too, Aunt Shirley.
But I think you're a bitch.
What do you think, Tonto? Hmm?
Here we go. Up you go.
- [Meowing] - You okay?
What do you mean, what am I gonna do? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- I have no schedule. - Well, you can't just drift.
You know, it's colder here than in New York.
You're an intelligent man, Harry.
- You shouldn't waste yourself. - What can I do?
- Teach! What do you think? - I'm too old.
Oh, bullshit. Come on now.
You know that there are free schools opening all over this city.
If you wanna stay here, I can help you get a job.
I mean it. They're looking for really good teachers.
How about it?
Is that me?
Yeah, that's right. That's you.
Poor old thing.
- Shirley? - What?
Do you love me?
I'll tell you something, Harry- I don't always like you.
But l- I do love you.
Then why do we always argue?
I don't know. I guess that's the way we talk to each other, Harry.
I think I remember the past too much.
The strangest thing about being old is...
all your friends are dead.
Well, all your old friends, maybe.
You could make new friends.
That's an idea.
How do you do?
- Harry Combes here. - Oh! Shirley Mallard. Glad to meet you.
- Shirley Mallard? - Yes.
- One "L" or two? - Two.
- Mallard. Oh, as in Wild Duck. - Mmm!
- Remember The Wild Duck? - Of course. Ibsen.
Yeah. Now, there was a great playwright.
He really understood women.
Some Swedish men actually stay home and help take care of their children.
- Is that a fact? - Mm-hmm.
Did you know that Ibsen was Norwegian?
I wasn't talking about Ibsen.
Did you know that Ibsen loved to travel and never stayed at home?
Oh, shut up.
You're a card, Harry, you are.
That's what people keep telling me all the time.
You think we'll ever stop arguing?
Never.
Not a chance.
Well, at least we agree on something.
Come on, pal. I'll buy you a drink.
[Bell Dinging]
## [Violin: "Pop Goes The Weasel"]
## [Ends]
[Harry] Will you hold on just a minute?
No, Norman is with me.
He decided to come along with us.
I'll put him on the phone.
[Grunting]
Hello, Dad? No, for real! Arizona!
Yeah, but then I'm gonna go on to Boulder, Colorado.
Hi, Mom. How are you-
Look, l-I feel good, Ma.
I wanna try living on this commu-
Please don't.
Hi, Dad.
I'm not doing anything to hurt anybody.!
[Stammers] I feel good. I feel fine.
No, no, not alone.
With a girl named Ginger.
She's 18.
Yeah, ju-just a-just a second.
I want you to meet my father. Here.
Hi. Uh, Mr. Combes? Yeah.
I just wanted to say that you've a beautiful son, and a beautiful father too.
All right. Hang on.
Harry, he wants to talk to you.
Hello? [Clears Throat]
It's me again. Yeah.
Listen, uh- Listen carefully, pl-
Burt, would you please send my checks on to Eddie in Los Angeles?
Y- Eddie. Your brother.
I'll be staying on with him.
What would I do in a commune?
L- I know. Life is confusing.
We're just trying to get on with it, that's all.
Just a minute. Operator?
You want more change?
Just a minute.
Norman, do you have any change?
Hold it.
We're trying to get the change, operator.
Burt, I'll talk quickly now.
Elaine! Would you stop crying.
Operator?
That was a very wrong thing to do.
We were just about ready to put in some-
Norman, I want you to write to your parents every day.
- Call 'em too. - Mom'll just cry if I call.
Do you promise me?
Okay.
Harry, come with us.
Maybe I'll visit you.
Grandpa, I feel real weird about leaving you here.
Norman...
for the first time in my life...
I'm west of Chicago, and I love it.
It's splendid. It's amazing. It's beautiful.
I'm happy. I feel good.
And I just want to spend a little time by myself.
Now, get in the car, start the engine and get going.
So long, Grandpa.
Bye-bye.
- So long, Harry. - Bye, dear.
- Bye, Tonto. - [Meows]
- [Engine Starts, Idles] - There we go.
That's it.
Drive carefully.
So long, Grandpa.
- Take it easy. - Bye!
Take it easy.
[Engine Off]
[Grunts]
[Van Door Slams]
[Sighs]
- Nice-looking cat. - Thank you.
Used to sell cats.
Had a nice little business on the side.
Yeah, Persian, Maltese, Burmese, Manx, calicoes.
You ever sell a rex?
Why, I sold me a rex once that weighed upwards of 30 pounds.
Cats are smarter than we are.
Simple diet, no clothes, lots of exercise.
And they can clean themselves.
[Chuckles] Carlton's the name. Wade Carlton.
- Harry Combes here. - I sell health these days.
- Come on, baby. - Natural health.
Vitamins, minerals, natural foods.
- You do well? - Beats sellin' cats.
I'll bet it does.
You hit this territory often?
Not more than once a year, no.
Now, "E" is your wonder vitamin.
You can rub it in, you can swallow it.
Advise you to do both.
Good for your heart, good for your head and good for your sex.
I want you to get plenty of"C" too.
"C" goes good with "E."
Back up your "E" with "C" and you'll be dancin' till midnight.
No limit to "C."
Advise you to take plenty of"F."
I never heard of"F."
Get yourself a good blender. I can sell you one.
Equal portions of sunflower seed...
- [Burp] - Pumpkin seed, sesame seed, flax seed.
You get 'er down to where she looks like flour, put it into your blender-
I can sell you one-
toss in a little apple juice and honey...
and you'll be clean as a whistle.
How's that, Harry?
You got magic hands, Wade.
I love my work.
[Wade] So I was broke.
I rode me down to Galveston.
Read an article in the paper...
about catchin' sharks.
Shark's good for a lot of things.
Got a job with a Portuguese feller.
Caught sharks till I couldn't move my arms.
Made me $300 and come home.
Hadn't shaved for three weeks.
Come walkin' up to the front door.
The wife thought it was a bum.
Told me to clear on out.
That's when I got into cats.
- Your wife still alive? - Nope.
[Meows]
Buried three of'em.
Good women. Bad diets.
# Get along, little pussy #
# Get along, little pussy Get along #
# Get along, little pussy Get along, get along #
# Get along ##
## [Radio: Country]
- Going to Vegas. - Oh.
That'd be just fine.
Thank you.
- I hope this isn't too much trouble. - No, not at all.
- Mind holding my cat? - Sure.
I sure do appreciate this.
I've been standing here for about- oh, about three quarters of an hour.
[Sighs] Oh.
[Groans] Very nice of you.
- My name's Harry Combes. - Stephanie.
How are you, Stephanie?
- This is Tonto. - Hi, Tonto.
You got a cigarette, Harry?
No. I don't smoke. I'm sorry.
Are you broke?
No, no.
Why are you hitchhiking?
- Oh, my cat just doesn't like buses. - Oh.
What are you staring at?
Well, you're just so pretty.
I have to be.
- You in show business? - Yeah.
- Actress? - I'm a hooker.
I don't believe you.
You're much too beautiful.
I'm a high-priced hooker.
Oh, please, don't kid me. I'm an old man.
I've had older.
Really?
When's the last time you made it, Harry?
Oh, I haven't had sex in a long time.
Had, or enjoyed?
[Chuckling] What's the difference?
You'll have to pay to find out.
Oh, l- [Chuckles] I really don't think I'm up to it.
[Laughs] Excuse me.
- Harry, I'm really getting horny. - Uh, miss-
- Uh, miss, uh- - I'm really horny!
- It's been a long drive. - Miss, uh, really, I only have $100.
[Tires Screeching]
Wake up, Harry. Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Very sweet of you.
## [Rock]
## [Woman Singing]
- ## [Continues] - Would you mind holding my cat, please?
Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
May I have a scotch and plain water, please?
- Yes, sir. - Twist oflemon.
## [Continues]
- Whoo.! - Whoo.!
## [Continues]
- [Shouting, Cheering] - Oh! Beautiful!
Ah, that's it. That's- [Sighs]
That's it. Right there, right there.
Nine straight passes.
Is that good or bad?
Good! I'm working my way toward a new Eldorado.
- Something to drink, sir? - Oh, yes, thank you. A scotch and plain water.
Hold the twist. And could I have a saucer of milk for my cat?
- Ten straight passes! - [Cheering, Shouting]
Thank you.
- Ten straight passes. - This is exciting.
Forty-six straight hours, and I feel like I just got up.
- Eleven straight from heaven! - How much did you start with?
Two hundred, and I made my way up to 10 G's.
Eleven straight from heaven! Let's do it!
- Just come right on. Right on. - Oh, thank you.
Come on, 11, 11, 11.
Come on! Take the truck!
That's it! That's it!
- Bless you, Ernie! - God bless you, Ernie!
Pay up, pay up.
- Would you bet this five for me, please? - Five on the pass line?
- On the pass line. - Everything on the pass line.
- Let's hear it for the pass line.
Let's hear it for the pass line. Come on. This is it.
- Once in a lifetime. Here we go. - Here we go.
Okay, let's go, baby. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Let's go!
Come on, give it to daddy!
- Three! Craps! Line away! - [Spectators Gasping]
- Is it over? - You bad-lucked me, you son of a bitch.
- Where'd you come from? - Outside.
Who the hell are you? Huh?
I come in here for the first time in my life-
- Blow it out your liver. - I was flyin' high! I had it made!
What happens? You walk in, I get zilch, zip!
First time in my life, something- something to work for!
Tonto...
guess who this is.
# Seems like old times #
# Havin' you to talk to #
[Laughs] That's right, Tonto.
The old redhead.
Wait a minute. [Muttering]
Here. I forgot to feed you.
Come here, baby.
## [Whistling]
Come on, baby.
There you are.
All your protein's in there, your vitamins- "A," your "C," plenty of"F."
Your vitamins, your minerals, your vegetables.
Excuse me, Tonto.
I gotta pee.
[Zipper Unzips]
## [Whistling]
[Urinating]
What do you think you're doing?
Tonto.
Tonto?
Where are you, Tonto?
[Grunts]
Guard- [Clears Throat]
- Guard? - What's your problem?
Looking for my cat, Tonto. Where's my cat?
He's okay. He's out in front.
- You sure? - Fine. He's fine.
I was looking for my cat.
My name's Sam Two Feathers.
Harry Combes here.
My cat's name is Tonto...
after Tonto and the Lone Ranger.
Who's this Lone Ranger?
Uh, that was a radio show.
Radio program. Very popular.
I don't have a radio.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I have a television.
I'm glad.
A Zenith.
Did you hear the story about a crippled detective?
I think his name was Ironsides.
Uh, I've heard about it.
Yeah. I thought it was about an Indian.
[Chuckles] L- I can see that.
The name Ironside.
I had a cousin called Ironsides.
But he was a fool.
This is the first time in my life I've ever been in jail.
What are you in for?
Peeing.
I got a ticket once for shitting.
Where'd you do it?
No, not me.
My horse, in a hotel lobby.
Oh.
Where did you get this?
A fella sold it to me.
White man with a funny beard?
That's the fella.
I paid $30 for mine...
but it broke.
What do you know?
How much do you want for this?
Oh, it's yours.
Even trade. Take it.
Oh, uh, it's beautiful, Mr. Two Feathers, but, uh-
I said, take it.
- Take it. - Thank you.
My wife will be very pleased with this.
What are you in for?
Oh, same old thing.
Practicing medicine without a license.
What'd you do?
Uh-
Wish I could plug this in.
I put a spell on Edgar Red Bear.
They arrested you for it?
He died.
Oh. I'm sorry.
He was supposed to die.
That's why I put a spell on him.
- His family raised a big stink. - Huh.
Sounds like bad medicine to me.
I practice good medicine on good people...
bad medicine on bad people.
You can actually make sick people well?
Looks like a demonstration model.
Yeah, I make sick people well.
Can you cure bursitis?
I cure anything.
What is bursitis?
Uh, it's a pain.
Uh, I got it in my right shoulder.
It's like arthritis.
- Uh, take off your jacket. - Huh?
Take off your jacket!
I, uh- I can't afford to pay you.
What is in the suitcase?
Oh, just some, uh, shirts...
ties, slacks.
That looks like my size.
Fine. Fine. Take what you want.
I'll take a pair...
but after I cure you.
Anything you say.
Sit down.
## [Singing In Native Language]
## [Continues]
## [Continues, Louder]
[Speaking Native Language]
[Blows]
Amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
I love my work.
## [Humming "Hooray For Hollywood"]
[Mouths Word]
Pop?
Eddie!
Pop! Hey! [Laughs]
Hey, Pop! Man, is it good to see you!
- Hey, look at- - How are ya?
- Just great! - Eddie, you look fine!
- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. - It's all right. It's all right.
You look good. You look like a movie extra. That's what you look like.
- Guess I do need a shave, huh? - Yeah. We've all been worrying about you, Pop.
Burt's been calling every day. Nobody knows where you've been. You should have called.
I've been fine, and I've been having a wonderful time.
- Yeah? You still got the cat, huh? - Oh, yeah.
- Tonto's a good traveler. - How about that?
- Yeah. How about this, huh? - There you are.
Hey, Pop, you're gonna love it here.
- I am, huh? - Yeah.
- You look good, Eddie. - It's really good to see you, Pop.
Good to be with you, Eddie.
Yeah.
Your office near your place?
I don't need an office anymore, Pop.
I'm living off the cream now.
I sell a little insurance once in a while...
or move a nice piece of real estate whenever I need some fast cash...
but mostly I play.
Well, I must say, Eddie, you look like a playboy.
[Chuckles] We get to my place...
give you a nice steam, a littleJacuzzi, a rubdown.
A nice, hot shower will be fine, Eddie.
What are you talking about? It's free. It comes with the rent.
I got a masseur who'll make you feel like a kid again.
[Laughs]
Really good to see you again, Pop.
- Thank you, Eddie. - [Chuckles]
Hi there.
- Beautiful, Eddie. - Oh, it's a nice place to live.
- Oh. Billiards? - Yeah.
We got everything.
What's this?
- This is the pool out here, Pop. - Oh.
Tonto, see the pool? Wanna take a dip?
Yeah. Nice, huh?
- Great scenery. - I know what you mean.
Yeah. [Laughing]
- Sun always out here? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, we have a few cloudy days, but nothing like back east.
- Hey. - Oh.
Very attractive, Eddie. Very nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's a 24-hour marathon encounter session this weekend.
- It's a great way to get laid. - Huh?
It's a great way to get laid, Pop.
[Meows]
- Eddie. - Yeah?
- Tonto is thirsty. - Huh? Oh! Right. Right.
Let's get a little water for Tonto.
- Yeah. Got a bowl right here. - [Water Running]
[Chuckling]
Eddie, my check arrive yet?
Oh, yeah. Yup.
Over there on the table, Pop.
[Chuckling] Yeah, look at old Tonto.
Uh, I figured we could stay in this place at first, Pop.
The couches, they pull out.
And then, if it gets too crowded, we could get a one-bedroom.
That goes for two and a half.
But there's no sense in rushing things.
I'm too old for this place, Eddie.
Oh, come on, Pop.
Lfigured we could split the rent. That comes to one and a quarter each.
You broke, Eddie?
I'm a little low. Yeah, Pop, I'm a little low right now.
- That's no good. - Aw, come on, Pop.
No, Eddie, I have to find a place of my own. Please, Eddie.
I wouldn't make it here for two weeks.
I don't know where I'll go.
Maybe I'll go up and see the kids in Colorado.
[Sighs]
Pop, I'm on my ass.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll call Burt up and have him take a thousand out of my account.
- Wouldn't want Burt to know. - Oh, what the hell is the difference?
All right, Burt won't know.
I'll tell him it's for me.
Have a nice view here, Eddie.
Maybe too nice.
Why don't you call Ellen?
Oh, that's over, Pop. That's all over.
Stay with me, huh?
Eddie, what are you afraid of?
I'm scared when I go out on a job.
I'm afraid I'll blow it before I've even started.
Eddie, would you make mine a mild scotch and water?
With a twist.
- You remember. - Yeah.
Hey...
maybe we could get a place out on the Strip.
Eddie, I'd be glad to help you with money.
[Chuckles]
Where you gonna go?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm not going back to New York.
That's not good for me anymore.
No.
[Sobbing]
Come on. Come on, come on.
Eddie, come on.
You'll get back on your feet.
- I'm sorry, Pop. - It's all right. It's all right.
- Tell you what. - [Sobbing Continues]
I'll help you find a place...
you help me find a place.
You know a good broker?
I'm a broker.
Listen, I just don't think we should live together.
I want to see you make a life for yourself-
work, wife, kids.
Yeah.
[Patting Back]
[Chuckles]
- Good morning, Harry. - Morning, Anatol.
- Good morning. - Morning, Anatol.
L-I don't accept any of that "life is a river, life is a fountain" routine.
Perhaps philosophically it makes sense.
But man has to struggle, or he'll drown in the river.
You won't drown if you flow with the river.
It's your move.
Maybe a yogi won't drown. What about the man in Cleveland, Ohio?
Or Santa Monica, California?
It's all the same.
I have a son in Cleveland.
It's not all the same.
If it were all the same, nothing would be different.
Nothing is different.
Am I different than you are?
Only your appearance. Underneath, we're all the same.
- Bullshit. - [Chuckling]
[Laughing] Harry, I know you breathe air, and that I breathe air.
It's the same air, no matter who you are.
A-Are you saying...
that the air here...
is the same as the air in town?
[Laughing] That's crazy!
You drive to town, you can't even see, it's so black.
- Anatol, he's talking about philosophical air. - Oh.
- No, I'm not. - Check.
Air... is air, for everybody.
What about animals?
Animals can't reason.
You don't know Tonto.
- [Grunts] - Hmm.
Tonto doesn't look so good.
[Meows]
Take care of my set.
What's the matter with Tonto?
#Roamin'in the gloamin'#
# On the bonny banks o' Clyde #
# Roamin' in the gloamin' #
#With my lassie by my side #
#When the sun goes down to rest #
#That's the time that we love best #
# Oh, it's lovely #
# Roamin' in #
#The gloamin' ##
Who was that, Tonto?
Right.
Sir Harry Lauder.
So long, kiddo.
[Harry] "Dear Leroy...
"Hope you are well.
"Tonto passed away.
"He was 11 years old...
"which made him 77 by our count.
"He had a good life.
"If you haven't found a job yet...
"you oughta think about coming out here.
- "I'm living at the beach. - Come on!
- "No smog, lots of sunshine. - Come on.
"I haven't been mugged yet.
"I'm working three afternoons a week...
tutoring high school kids-"
- These are my children. - I see.
They expect me every day, rain or shine.
Oh-You live here?
Yes.
Oh, this used to be some neighborhood.
- Are you Jewish? - [Chuckles] No.
I'm into Zen Buddhism these days.
I used to keep a kosher table, but I'm not particular anymore.
- You got friends here? - Yeah, a few.
I live alone. But isn't it silly?
I got two beautiful rooms overlooking the water. Why should one go empty?
Why don't you rent it?
So move in with me.
[Laughs] You know, that's an interesting proposition.
Two can live cheaper than one.
Between your check and mine, we could be on easy street.
- [Laughs] - I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet.
- Hey, mister, what's your name? - Harry.
I'm Celia.
You wanna chase around a little bit? It's okay.
Run around all you want. I just want somebody to share the expenses.
That's a very generous offer. I'm gonna think about it.
It's ridiculous to cook for one person.
My best dishes I don't make anymore 'cause I'm alone.
I eat a lot of canned food.
Oh! Canned food. It's a crime.
- Do you like boiled beef? - Love it.
- But I think my favorite dish is Hungarian goulash. - Oy!
I can't believe it.
If you hadn't told me, Harry, I'd have thought you wereJewish.
[Both Laughing]
Hey! Stupid!
Come here and get your breakfast!
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
All right, all right.
What's your name, kiddo? Huh?