MY FAMILY

MY FAMILYMetrics{time:ms}

No.

Louder.

Brighter?

What's going on?

The batteries have gone
in the remote.

You're running late today.
No, not at all.

My first patient isn't till midday,

so I thought I might start with
a little leisurely breakfast.

Ben, give me the bread knife.

Why?

Now hand me your belt,
your shoelaces,
and any other sharp objects.

Why? It's for your own safety.

My mother's coming over.

Good.

That's lovely, isn't it?

I love her as my own.

Ben, you don't even love your
own as if they were your own.

She wants to show us
her holiday snaps.

I cannot wait to see them.

I have both sets of car keys,
by the way.

I won't be needing those for ages,
will I? I'm not going anywhere.

No, I think I might start
my breakfast with
a little frozen yoghurt.

Back door's locked.

So's the front.

And all the windows.

Why must you cage me in
like an animal?!

And here's another one.

You're right, Mother,
you can't have too many pictures
of the exact same beach.

You know, Brad and I would go there
in our bathing costumes and have
the entire beach to ourselves.

Really? Can't think why.

Oh, look at this one, Ben.

For a man in his seventies,
Brad doesn't look
too bad in Speedos, does he?

He's wearing Speedos?

Where are they?

That's the beach at sunset,

that's us getting married
on the beach.

Then we're back to the beginning
again. Wait a minute!

Show me that last photo.

You got married?! Again?

Darling, we didn't want a fuss.

And you didn't invite us?

And for that we are
eternally grateful.

It was a very informal ceremony.

Oh, I can see that.

Did he never take those Speedos off?

Oh, yes! Oh, no...

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'm going to, um...

not be here.

You know, sometimes it's hard
to tell you things.
You have a tendency to overreact.

I do NOT...

overreact.

They said yes! I don't believe it.

We're going to be on The Weakest
Link! Weakest Link?

They accepted us. The family
edition. I did tell you about it.

Did you hear that, Mother?
That's what we do in this family
- we tell each other things.

When did you tell me about it?

A couple of months ago when I
filled in the forms for everybody.

I don't remember signing anything.

I kind of forged all the signatures.

I do them perfectly.
Even your father's?

Since I was ten.

Can you teach me?

Just one problem - Janey's been
dumped, again, so we're one short.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

Your grandmother's run
off and married Brad.

I didn't want to bother you.

So do you think Brad'll do the show?

Oh, Brad'll do anything.

Haven't you sees the photos?

Will you do it, Mum?
Why not? Sounds like fun.

No, I mean will you break it to Dad?

Why not? Sounds like fun.

Nice man-boobs.

That's my bridesmaid.

Oh, come on, Ben, it's the
Weakest Link. You've got to do it.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
I would rather swan dive
into a deep-fat fryer.

What is it about being on
the show that bothers you?

Nothing much. Just me being
humiliated by a sadistic harpy.

But, darling, that's one of the
cornerstones of our marriage.

I'm not doing it, OK?

Fine.

I understand. Good.

No man wants to come across
as less intelligent than his wife
on national television.

I know what you're doing,
Susan, and it won't work.

I mean, it's embarrassing when a
man's wife makes him look like some
knuckle-dragging lummox in public.

Fine, good.

So you're married to
a knuckle-dragging lummox
of a husband, and guess what?

This knuckle-dragging lummox
of a husband is going to sleep.

Goodnight!

I take it you'll be doing the show?

You just try and stop me.

And then the two remaining people in
the final round go head to head...

Five questions each. And the person
with the most correct answers wins.
OK?

So, any questions?
Are these cheese and pickle?

I think so, yes.

But what kind of cheese?

Because it smells like a strong,
mature cheddar,

but it has the orange hue
of a Double Gloucester,
which tends to repeat on me.

Yeah, does anyone have any
questions about the show?

No. Sure?

Because it's easy to forget
the rules once you're
in front of the cameras.

Especially if you're a bit thick.

Hello, all! Sorry we're late.

Roger only drove the
wrong way down the A40.

No! Yes!

Roger only couldn't
decide what shirt to wear!

No... Really? Yes!

OK...so just relax,
don't get too nervous,

and I'll be back in a few minutes
to take you through and meet Anne.

Well, this is it. We're actually
going to appear on national
television and it isn't Crimewatch!

I'm kind of nervous, Mum.

Does anyone need the toilet?

Yes.

Great minds!

And simple ones.

I'd better wait. I can't go if
there's someone in the same, er...

What, postal district?

I happen to have a shy bladder.

No, that's Double Gloucester.
I need a bin.

It's no good, I can't wait.
I have to face my demons.

Just you and me, eh, Kenzo?

You know, if your grandad wins this,
I could buy you a present. Yeah.

What would you like? A computer.

Well, it's not going to happen,
though, is it?

What's wrong with Roger?

Any questions like that, Michael,
on this show, and we're done for.

Right, let's get this over with.

And if Anne Robinson says one thing
about this dress, so help me,

I'll fix her so she won't have
to phone a friend,
she'll have to phone a doctor!

Wrong show, Mum.

That's Deal Or No Deal.

So what's the one with Ant and Dec?

We're dead in the water.

What is it, Roger?

I just saw Anne Robinson.

It's a good job I'd just been,
else I'd have gone!

OK...so...everyone ready? Yeah, I'll
just be a couple of seconds, OK?

Welcome to the Weakest Link.

Any of the nine family members
in the studio today
could win up to �10,000.

However,
if they want that prize money,
they'll have to work as a team.

But, eight of them will leave
with nothing, as round by round,

we lose the player voted
the weakest link.
Let's meet the team.

I'm Ben Harper, I'm, er, 49...

Ha-ha!

I'm a dentist. I'm from Chiswick.

Hello.

I'm Susan Harper, I'm 46.

And I also live in Chiswick,

and I work in an art gallery.

I'm Michael Harper,
I'm 18, I live in Chiswick,
and I'm not too old to be adopted.

I'm Alfie Butts. I'm 26.

I pay rent for a box room in Chis...

Oh, please!

I'm, I'm unemp...

I'm, I'm a musician.

I'm Janey Harper. I'm 25.

I live in West London.

I'm single,
I love Colin Farrell films and
romantic walks in the country.

A nice car and holiday
home are essential...

Cut! What?

Is that your mummy?

No.

In round one, there are
three minutes on the clock.

We'll start with the person
whose name is first alphabetically -

that's you, Abi. Oh, blimey.
Let's play...the Weakest Link.

The first question is for �20.

Start the clock. Abi...

Bank! In the home,
a TV set that is not designed
to show a colour picture

is described as being
black and what?

Decker. No, white. Roger, a contest
in which two teams pull at opposite

ends of a rope until one drags
the other, is called a tug of what?

That's a first. Correct.

Ben, in sport, which famous
international cricket ground is
owned by the MCC? Lord's. Correct.

Oh, you say it out loud?

Susan, in cookery...

Bank! Bank!

The main ingredient in a risotto
is pasta or rice?

Rice. Correct.. Ha!

Michael, what is 84 minus 26? 58.
Correct. Alfie,
since his death in 1924,

the preserved body of which
Soviet leader has been kept in a
mausoleum in Red Square in Moscow?

Interestingly enough,
my Uncle Huw used to...

The correct answer is Lenin.
Janey...

Be quick, Janey,
she's got no patience.

I can't believe I was the
first to get voted off.

I knew some of the other questions.

Well, definitely one of them.

Anyway, I want Roger to win.

He's smarter than the rest of them
put together.

Voting over. It's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link.

Roger.

Roger. Brad?

Don't worry, Rog,

I'm sure they can edit that bit out.

I can't believe I started crying
on national television.

So, Susan, put your board down.

Step to your right.

I presume you've got blinds at home,
since you appear to be wearing
your lounge curtains?

Listen, you... Why, Janey?

Never mind. Ben, why did you vote
for your own daughter?

Well, she's got to learn that
the first man on the moon
was not Louis Armstrong.

And, Michael, you volunteered
your family for the show. Why?

Because I'd recorded every
episode of the Weakest Link,
then I transcribed all the questions,

subdividing them into topics, then
I plotted them on a graph against
my own family's areas of interest,

and from that, I calculated that the
only person who has a greater than
38% chance of beating me is Alfie.

You don't have a girlfriend,
do you, Michael?

No.

And you, Alfie? A girlfriend?

Oh, that's...that's very kind
of you to offer, Mrs Robinson.

Whilst I find you very attractive,
I suspect that I have yet to reach
the appropriate level of maturity

to fully do justice to your needs
as a woman.

Oh, I don't know, Alfie.
Clean yourself up a bit and keep
your mouth shut, and who knows?

Grace, in psychology, a series
of pleasant thoughts that...

I can't believe they
all voted me off.

I mean, we're meant to love each
other, aren't we? To stick together.

We're meant to be a close family,
but even thingy,
what's his name...voted me off.

You mean your brother Michael?

That's the one.

Shh! They're up to �800.

Which author wrote the political
thriller, published in 2000

entitled The Bear And The Dragon?
Dragon... Tom Clancy.

Correct. Susan, in legal jargon, who
may be said to be called to the bar?

Besides my mother? A barrister.

Charming. Correct. Michael, in art,

the Prado Gallery is in
which European capital city?

Ooh, I know this one, it's Croydon.

That's not a capital city, Abi.
It's Morocco.

Is it Turkey?

Madrid. Madrid.
Correct.

Time's up, and in that round
you banked �900.

So, has Alfie finally discovered
my needs as a woman?

Is the dentist less daft
than he looks?

Or does our art dealer deserve
hanging in a public place?

It's time to vote off
the weakest link.

In that round,
the strongest link was Ben,
with Susan a few lengths back.

Alfie may be way ahead in the charm
stakes with Anne, but will one of
the oldies be falling at this fence?

Voting over. It's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link.

Grace.

Brad.

Grace.

Susan.

Ben.

So, Ben, why have you
voted for Grace? Grace?

Well, if the old lush doesn't sit
down soon, she's gonna fall down.

So, Susan, why Brad?

Because it doesn't matter if I vote
off one of my mother's husbands.

There'll be another one along
in a minute.
You're a fine one to talk.

Something to say, Grace?
No, no, no, no...

My daughter's led a perfect life.

I think I sense tension!

I'm only saying, she's made some bad
decisions, and I don't just mean Ben.

Las Vegas, 1973? Las Vegas, Susan?

What?

I have no idea what...

Can we move on?

No, no. What did happen in Vegas?
I don't remember.

Grace, can you help us out here?

She had a quickie marriage.

What?!

Mother, you are the weakest link.
Goodbye. No, no!

We've mined gold.

Grace, who was the first husband?

What's the name of the
mystery spouse? Mother!

You were the one who wanted us to be
a family who told each other things.

His name was Troy The Punisher.

He was a dentist as well?
He was a wrestler.

But I thought Ben knew. I mean,
I would never have dreamt of saying
anything if I thought he didn't.

Mind you, I'm always a bit
of a loose cannon after
six or seven vodka and Red Bulls.

You married a wrestler called Troy?!

Round five. You have �1,700.

Ten seconds coming off your time.

We'll start with the strongest link
from the last round - that's Ben.

Let's play...the Weakest Link.

Start the clock. Ben,
in cinema, who directed the films

Jurassic Park, Schindler's List
and Saving Private Ryan?

A wrestler called Troy?

No, Steven Spielberg.
Susan, in the opening line of
the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night,

which words follow
"If music be the food of love"?

I was drunk, in Las Vegas.

No, Play on. Michael, in history,
in 1938 Neville Chamberlain
returned from meeting Hitler

and got off a plane
waving a piece of paper.

What did he declare?

My mum married a wrestler?

No. Peace in our time. Alfie...

Nice bombshell, Gran.

I thought you all knew.

Yeah, well, good thing
it didn't come out
on national television.

Oh, hang on, it did!

Voting over. It's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link.

Susan.

Ben.

Susan.

Mrs Harper.

So, Ben, why did you vote for Susan?
Why?

Well, because she missed the
question on the periodic table
and she married another man!

Susan, why Ben? Because he missed
two of the questions.

No, no, why did you marry him? And
what happened to Troy the wrestler?

I don't think that's
any of your business.

Oooh, I think it's mine.
So what happened?

Michael?
After all she's been through, why
are you getting rid of your mother?

I thought I'd give her a head start.

And Alfie? Yes, Mrs Robinson?

Charming Alfie...

Why did you vote for Susan?

Because she failed to bank
at the appropriate moment.

Nothing to do with her seedy past?

I'm not one to judge, although some
might consider it a tad...

slutty.

Slutty Susan,
you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Sorry, I'll be right back, OK?
I won't... Two minutes.

I, er...

This was all a big mistake.

It was nothing.

It was a long time ago.

Susan! I gotta go! Susan!

Susan?

Susan!

Where is she?

Mother-in-law or not, you are going
to tell me what happened or you and
I will be bouncing off the ropes!

Now, just hold it right there,
sonny boy.

The only way you'll get at her
is through me.

Brad, I've seen you in Speedos,
so sit down.

So...

are you gonna tell me the truth?

Mr Harper, you can't just walk
off the show halfway through.

Listen, my marriage
is a lot more important
than your stupid little show.

If you don't go back on,
you'll be sued for the full cost
of the recording.

Ben, in history, what K
is the name of a river in Canada

that was the sight of the late
19th-century gold rush?

Lakabay Rill. No, it's Klondike.

Time's up, and you managed to bank
�400, but which village
is missing its idiot?

Who thinks Freud is the way
the Brummies like their eggs?

One of you is about
to leave with nothing.

It's time to vote off
the weakest link.

Vote me off or I'll kill you!

I said I'm sorry.

Look, you don't have to buy us
a wedding present, OK?
And now we're even.

Even? Even? How would you like it if
I told Brad all your sordid secrets?

That horse bolted a long time ago!

What's wrong with Grandma?

Oh, sweetheart, it's hard
to explain.

Grandma married a wrestler.

Cool!

So, gorgeous Alfie, why Ben?

Because he hasn't really been
making much of an effort,
and his mind seems to be elsewhere.

Nerdy Michael...why Ben?

Because he threatened to kill me
if I didn't vote him off.

Ben... Mmm?
You are the weakest link, goodbye.

Gotta go!

Hello! Remember me? I'm Ben Harper.
One of your husbands.

I can explain.

No need, it's fine.

You know, Susan,
I know I've only made a few minor
achievements over the years.

I've helped raise three children,

I've, um, worked day in,
day out at the surgery
to put food on the table.

But, you know, my one big regret
in life is that I've never managed

to do any of these things whilst
wearing tights and a big belt.

Troy never wore a big belt.

Oh, you have fond memories of him?

No, it's just someone I had a few
too many drinks with in Las Vegas.

Look, I was young.
I was backpacking in the States.

It was just another era.

Oh, we were all wearing flowers
in our hair, listening to the
Beach Boys and marrying wrestlers!

It's just one of those
things you forget about.

You forget about it?!

Look, we were drunk.

We got married as a joke,
in a chapel that also
served fried chicken.

We were married in Ruislip registry
office, so what does that make us,
mmm, huh? What does that make us?

Look, um,

I don't know a lot about love,
but what I do know...

Roger, I would not take advice
from you about where to put a table.

I'd just like to say one thing.
What?

Wasn't it great being on telly? See?

We'll go and sit down.

Look, if I never told you about it,
I'm sorry.

It was never a proper marriage.

You and him, or me and you?

Are you sure I never told you?
I'd have remembered.

And anyway, whatever we've done in
our past makes us what we are today,

and we should be thankful for that.

That's rubbish!

You married a wrestler!

We should go after them.
It looked pretty serious.

Roger's right. This is really
a time when we should pull together
as a family.

Yes, we should. I can't help
but feel I'm partially responsible.

We should rally round and give them
all the love and support they need.

Right, let's go.

Hang on!

The two lads are going head to head
for nearly 3,000 quid.

Well, let's give them their space.

Michael, in biology, which
word denotes both a type of blood
vessel in the human body

and a thin bundle of vascular
tissue in the leaf of a plant?

Artery, Anne. No, a vein.

Alfie, if you answer this question
correctly, you have won.

So, Alfie,

although his parents were Norwegian,
the children's author Roald Dahl
was born in which country of the UK?

Oh, sorry, I was miles away.
Can you, um, can you repeat
the question, please?

Although his parents were Norwegian,
the children's author Roald Dahl
was born in which country of the UK?

Wales?

We got it annulled the next day.

I can't believe you'd just
forget about it.

When we first met, I wanted to tell
you about it, but you were
so wonderful, I suppose I...

I didn't want anything to spoil it.

Go on.

I'd never met anyone like you
before. I mean, you were so...

..exciting, handsome...

..charming, intelligent...

And?

Witty, handsome...

Mmmm... You've done handsome before.

Good-looking...?
Well, that's like handsome.

It's not as strong, is it?

I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben.

Yah! Yah!

Jammy git.

So I wonder who won?

Just let me apologise.

Pah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on,
while we're laying things on the
table, as you say, what about you?

What? What about me?

Is there anything in your past
you want to tell me about?

No.

It's not about me, is it?

You can't leave it alone,
can you, Ben?

I tell you what, it's a good job
I wasn't around when
Troy The Punisher was on the scene.

I'd have made mincemeat of him.

I don't know, Ben. Oh, come on.
What? Wrestling?
It's all fake, isn't it?

All the wrestlers are like actors,
and the moves are worked out
beforehand. It's fake!

Come on! Fake! Vegas is fake.
Your marriage to Troy - fake.

Fake, fake, fake!

Submit? Submit? Yeah! Submit?