No.
Louder.
Brighter?
What's going on?
The batteries have gone in the remote.
You're running late today. No, not at all.
My first patient isn't till midday,
so I thought I might start with a little leisurely breakfast.
Ben, give me the bread knife.
Why?
Now hand me your belt, your shoelaces, and any other sharp objects.
Why? It's for your own safety.
My mother's coming over.
Good.
That's lovely, isn't it?
I love her as my own.
Ben, you don't even love your own as if they were your own.
She wants to show us her holiday snaps.
I cannot wait to see them.
I have both sets of car keys, by the way.
I won't be needing those for ages, will I? I'm not going anywhere.
No, I think I might start my breakfast with a little frozen yoghurt.
Back door's locked.
So's the front.
And all the windows.
Why must you cage me in like an animal?!
And here's another one.
You're right, Mother, you can't have too many pictures of the exact same beach.
You know, Brad and I would go there in our bathing costumes and have the entire beach to ourselves.
Really? Can't think why.
Oh, look at this one, Ben.
For a man in his seventies, Brad doesn't look too bad in Speedos, does he?
He's wearing Speedos?
Where are they?
That's the beach at sunset,
that's us getting married on the beach.
Then we're back to the beginning again. Wait a minute!
Show me that last photo.
You got married?! Again?
Darling, we didn't want a fuss.
And you didn't invite us?
And for that we are eternally grateful.
It was a very informal ceremony.
Oh, I can see that.
Did he never take those Speedos off?
Oh, yes! Oh, no...
Well, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to, um...
not be here.
You know, sometimes it's hard to tell you things. You have a tendency to overreact.
I do NOT...
overreact.
They said yes! I don't believe it.
We're going to be on The Weakest Link! Weakest Link?
They accepted us. The family edition. I did tell you about it.
Did you hear that, Mother? That's what we do in this family - we tell each other things.
When did you tell me about it?
A couple of months ago when I filled in the forms for everybody.
I don't remember signing anything.
I kind of forged all the signatures.
I do them perfectly. Even your father's?
Since I was ten.
Can you teach me?
Just one problem - Janey's been dumped, again, so we're one short.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
Your grandmother's run off and married Brad.
I didn't want to bother you.
So do you think Brad'll do the show?
Oh, Brad'll do anything.
Haven't you sees the photos?
Will you do it, Mum? Why not? Sounds like fun.
No, I mean will you break it to Dad?
Why not? Sounds like fun.
Nice man-boobs.
That's my bridesmaid.
Oh, come on, Ben, it's the Weakest Link. You've got to do it.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I would rather swan dive into a deep-fat fryer.
What is it about being on the show that bothers you?
Nothing much. Just me being humiliated by a sadistic harpy.
But, darling, that's one of the cornerstones of our marriage.
I'm not doing it, OK?
Fine.
I understand. Good.
No man wants to come across as less intelligent than his wife on national television.
I know what you're doing, Susan, and it won't work.
I mean, it's embarrassing when a man's wife makes him look like some knuckle-dragging lummox in public.
Fine, good.
So you're married to a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband, and guess what?
This knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband is going to sleep.
Goodnight!
I take it you'll be doing the show?
You just try and stop me.
And then the two remaining people in the final round go head to head...
Five questions each. And the person with the most correct answers wins. OK?
So, any questions? Are these cheese and pickle?
I think so, yes.
But what kind of cheese?
Because it smells like a strong, mature cheddar,
but it has the orange hue of a Double Gloucester, which tends to repeat on me.
Yeah, does anyone have any questions about the show?
No. Sure?
Because it's easy to forget the rules once you're in front of the cameras.
Especially if you're a bit thick.
Hello, all! Sorry we're late.
Roger only drove the wrong way down the A40.
No! Yes!
Roger only couldn't decide what shirt to wear!
No... Really? Yes!
OK...so just relax, don't get too nervous,
and I'll be back in a few minutes to take you through and meet Anne.
Well, this is it. We're actually going to appear on national television and it isn't Crimewatch!
I'm kind of nervous, Mum.
Does anyone need the toilet?
Yes.
Great minds!
And simple ones.
I'd better wait. I can't go if there's someone in the same, er...
What, postal district?
I happen to have a shy bladder.
No, that's Double Gloucester. I need a bin.
It's no good, I can't wait. I have to face my demons.
Just you and me, eh, Kenzo?
You know, if your grandad wins this, I could buy you a present. Yeah.
What would you like? A computer.
Well, it's not going to happen, though, is it?
What's wrong with Roger?
Any questions like that, Michael, on this show, and we're done for.
Right, let's get this over with.
And if Anne Robinson says one thing about this dress, so help me,
I'll fix her so she won't have to phone a friend, she'll have to phone a doctor!
Wrong show, Mum.
That's Deal Or No Deal.
So what's the one with Ant and Dec?
We're dead in the water.
What is it, Roger?
I just saw Anne Robinson.
It's a good job I'd just been, else I'd have gone!
OK...so...everyone ready? Yeah, I'll just be a couple of seconds, OK?
Welcome to the Weakest Link.
Any of the nine family members in the studio today could win up to £10,000.
However, if they want that prize money, they'll have to work as a team.
But, eight of them will leave with nothing, as round by round,
we lose the player voted the weakest link. Let's meet the team.
I'm Ben Harper, I'm, er, 49...
Ha-ha!
I'm a dentist. I'm from Chiswick.
Hello.
I'm Susan Harper, I'm 46.
And I also live in Chiswick,
and I work in an art gallery.
I'm Michael Harper, I'm 18, I live in Chiswick, and I'm not too old to be adopted.
I'm Alfie Butts. I'm 26.
I pay rent for a box room in Chis...
Oh, please!
I'm, I'm unemp...
I'm, I'm a musician.
I'm Janey Harper. I'm 25.
I live in West London.
I'm single, I love Colin Farrell films and romantic walks in the country.
A nice car and holiday home are essential...
Cut! What?
Is that your mummy?
No.
In round one, there are three minutes on the clock.
We'll start with the person whose name is first alphabetically -
that's you, Abi. Oh, blimey. Let's play...the Weakest Link.
The first question is for £20.
Start the clock. Abi...
Bank! In the home, a TV set that is not designed to show a colour picture
is described as being black and what?
Decker. No, white. Roger, a contest in which two teams pull at opposite
ends of a rope until one drags the other, is called a tug of what?
That's a first. Correct.
Ben, in sport, which famous international cricket ground is owned by the MCC? Lord's. Correct.
Oh, you say it out loud?
Susan, in cookery...
Bank! Bank!
The main ingredient in a risotto is pasta or rice?
Rice. Correct.. Ha!
Michael, what is 84 minus 26? 58. Correct. Alfie, since his death in 1924,
the preserved body of which Soviet leader has been kept in a mausoleum in Red Square in Moscow?
Interestingly enough, my Uncle Huw used to...
The correct answer is Lenin. Janey...
Be quick, Janey, she's got no patience.
I can't believe I was the first to get voted off.
I knew some of the other questions.
Well, definitely one of them.
Anyway, I want Roger to win.
He's smarter than the rest of them put together.
Voting over. It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link.
Roger.
Roger. Brad?
Don't worry, Rog,
I'm sure they can edit that bit out.
I can't believe I started crying on national television.
So, Susan, put your board down.
Step to your right.
I presume you've got blinds at home, since you appear to be wearing your lounge curtains?
Listen, you... Why, Janey?
Never mind. Ben, why did you vote for your own daughter?
Well, she's got to learn that the first man on the moon was not Louis Armstrong.
And, Michael, you volunteered your family for the show. Why?
Because I'd recorded every episode of the Weakest Link, then I transcribed all the questions,
subdividing them into topics, then I plotted them on a graph against my own family's areas of interest,
and from that, I calculated that the only person who has a greater than 38% chance of beating me is Alfie.
You don't have a girlfriend, do you, Michael?
No.
And you, Alfie? A girlfriend?
Oh, that's...that's very kind of you to offer, Mrs Robinson.
Whilst I find you very attractive, I suspect that I have yet to reach the appropriate level of maturity
to fully do justice to your needs as a woman.
Oh, I don't know, Alfie. Clean yourself up a bit and keep your mouth shut, and who knows?
Grace, in psychology, a series of pleasant thoughts that...
I can't believe they all voted me off.
I mean, we're meant to love each other, aren't we? To stick together.
We're meant to be a close family, but even thingy, what's his name...voted me off.
You mean your brother Michael?
That's the one.
Shh! They're up to £800.
Which author wrote the political thriller, published in 2000
entitled The Bear And The Dragon? Dragon... Tom Clancy.
Correct. Susan, in legal jargon, who may be said to be called to the bar?
Besides my mother? A barrister.
Charming. Correct. Michael, in art,
the Prado Gallery is in which European capital city?
Ooh, I know this one, it's Croydon.
That's not a capital city, Abi. It's Morocco.
Is it Turkey?
Madrid. Madrid. Correct.
Time's up, and in that round you banked £900.
So, has Alfie finally discovered my needs as a woman?
Is the dentist less daft than he looks?
Or does our art dealer deserve hanging in a public place?
It's time to vote off the weakest link.
In that round, the strongest link was Ben, with Susan a few lengths back.
Alfie may be way ahead in the charm stakes with Anne, but will one of the oldies be falling at this fence?
Voting over. It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link.
Grace.
Brad.
Grace.
Susan.
Ben.
So, Ben, why have you voted for Grace? Grace?
Well, if the old lush doesn't sit down soon, she's gonna fall down.
So, Susan, why Brad?
Because it doesn't matter if I vote off one of my mother's husbands.
There'll be another one along in a minute. You're a fine one to talk.
Something to say, Grace? No, no, no, no...
My daughter's led a perfect life.
I think I sense tension!
I'm only saying, she's made some bad decisions, and I don't just mean Ben.
Las Vegas, 1973? Las Vegas, Susan?
What?
I have no idea what...
Can we move on?
No, no. What did happen in Vegas? I don't remember.
Grace, can you help us out here?
She had a quickie marriage.
What?!
Mother, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. No, no!
We've mined gold.
Grace, who was the first husband?
What's the name of the mystery spouse? Mother!
You were the one who wanted us to be a family who told each other things.
His name was Troy The Punisher.
He was a dentist as well? He was a wrestler.
But I thought Ben knew. I mean, I would never have dreamt of saying anything if I thought he didn't.
Mind you, I'm always a bit of a loose cannon after six or seven vodka and Red Bulls.
You married a wrestler called Troy?!
Round five. You have £1,700.
Ten seconds coming off your time.
We'll start with the strongest link from the last round - that's Ben.
Let's play...the Weakest Link.
Start the clock. Ben, in cinema, who directed the films
Jurassic Park, Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan?
A wrestler called Troy?
No, Steven Spielberg. Susan, in the opening line of the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night,
which words follow "If music be the food of love"?
I was drunk, in Las Vegas.
No, Play on. Michael, in history, in 1938 Neville Chamberlain returned from meeting Hitler
and got off a plane waving a piece of paper.
What did he declare?
My mum married a wrestler?
No. Peace in our time. Alfie...
Nice bombshell, Gran.
I thought you all knew.
Yeah, well, good thing it didn't come out on national television.
Oh, hang on, it did!
Voting over. It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link.
Susan.
Ben.
Susan.
Mrs Harper.
So, Ben, why did you vote for Susan? Why?
Well, because she missed the question on the periodic table and she married another man!
Susan, why Ben? Because he missed two of the questions.
No, no, why did you marry him? And what happened to Troy the wrestler?
I don't think that's any of your business.
Oooh, I think it's mine. So what happened?
Michael? After all she's been through, why are you getting rid of your mother?
I thought I'd give her a head start.
And Alfie? Yes, Mrs Robinson?
Charming Alfie...
Why did you vote for Susan?
Because she failed to bank at the appropriate moment.
Nothing to do with her seedy past?
I'm not one to judge, although some might consider it a tad...
slutty.
Slutty Susan, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Sorry, I'll be right back, OK? I won't... Two minutes.
I, er...
This was all a big mistake.
It was nothing.
It was a long time ago.
Susan! I gotta go! Susan!
Susan?
Susan!
Where is she?
Mother-in-law or not, you are going to tell me what happened or you and I will be bouncing off the ropes!
Now, just hold it right there, sonny boy.
The only way you'll get at her is through me.
Brad, I've seen you in Speedos, so sit down.
So...
are you gonna tell me the truth?
Mr Harper, you can't just walk off the show halfway through.
Listen, my marriage is a lot more important than your stupid little show.
If you don't go back on, you'll be sued for the full cost of the recording.
Ben, in history, what K is the name of a river in Canada
that was the sight of the late 19th-century gold rush?
Lakabay Rill. No, it's Klondike.
Time's up, and you managed to bank £400, but which village is missing its idiot?
Who thinks Freud is the way the Brummies like their eggs?
One of you is about to leave with nothing.
It's time to vote off the weakest link.
Vote me off or I'll kill you!
I said I'm sorry.
Look, you don't have to buy us a wedding present, OK? And now we're even.
Even? Even? How would you like it if I told Brad all your sordid secrets?
That horse bolted a long time ago!
What's wrong with Grandma?
Oh, sweetheart, it's hard to explain.
Grandma married a wrestler.
Cool!
So, gorgeous Alfie, why Ben?
Because he hasn't really been making much of an effort, and his mind seems to be elsewhere.
Nerdy Michael...why Ben?
Because he threatened to kill me if I didn't vote him off.
Ben... Mmm? You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Gotta go!
Hello! Remember me? I'm Ben Harper. One of your husbands.
I can explain.
No need, it's fine.
You know, Susan, I know I've only made a few minor achievements over the years.
I've helped raise three children,
I've, um, worked day in, day out at the surgery to put food on the table.
But, you know, my one big regret in life is that I've never managed
to do any of these things whilst wearing tights and a big belt.
Troy never wore a big belt.
Oh, you have fond memories of him?
No, it's just someone I had a few too many drinks with in Las Vegas.
Look, I was young. I was backpacking in the States.
It was just another era.
Oh, we were all wearing flowers in our hair, listening to the Beach Boys and marrying wrestlers!
It's just one of those things you forget about.
You forget about it?!
Look, we were drunk.
We got married as a joke, in a chapel that also served fried chicken.
We were married in Ruislip registry office, so what does that make us, mmm, huh? What does that make us?
Look, um,
I don't know a lot about love, but what I do know...
Roger, I would not take advice from you about where to put a table.
I'd just like to say one thing. What?
Wasn't it great being on telly? See?
We'll go and sit down.
Look, if I never told you about it, I'm sorry.
It was never a proper marriage.
You and him, or me and you?
Are you sure I never told you? I'd have remembered.
And anyway, whatever we've done in our past makes us what we are today,
and we should be thankful for that.
That's rubbish!
You married a wrestler!
We should go after them. It looked pretty serious.
Roger's right. This is really a time when we should pull together as a family.
Yes, we should. I can't help but feel I'm partially responsible.
We should rally round and give them all the love and support they need.
Right, let's go.
Hang on!
The two lads are going head to head for nearly 3,000 quid.
Well, let's give them their space.
Michael, in biology, which word denotes both a type of blood vessel in the human body
and a thin bundle of vascular tissue in the leaf of a plant?
Artery, Anne. No, a vein.
Alfie, if you answer this question correctly, you have won.
So, Alfie,
although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK?
Oh, sorry, I was miles away. Can you, um, can you repeat the question, please?
Although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK?
Wales?
We got it annulled the next day.
I can't believe you'd just forget about it.
When we first met, I wanted to tell you about it, but you were so wonderful, I suppose I...
I didn't want anything to spoil it.
Go on.
I'd never met anyone like you before. I mean, you were so...
..exciting, handsome...
..charming, intelligent...
And?
Witty, handsome...
Mmmm... You've done handsome before.
Good-looking...? Well, that's like handsome.
It's not as strong, is it?
I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben.
Yah! Yah!
Jammy git.
So I wonder who won?
Just let me apologise.
Pah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang on, while we're laying things on the table, as you say, what about you?
What? What about me?
Is there anything in your past you want to tell me about?
No.
It's not about me, is it?
You can't leave it alone, can you, Ben?
I tell you what, it's a good job I wasn't around when Troy The Punisher was on the scene.
I'd have made mincemeat of him.
I don't know, Ben. Oh, come on. What? Wrestling? It's all fake, isn't it?
All the wrestlers are like actors, and the moves are worked out beforehand. It's fake!
Come on! Fake! Vegas is fake. Your marriage to Troy - fake.
Fake, fake, fake!
Submit? Submit? Yeah! Submit?