Subtitles by explosiveskull
"The first meal..."
No, no, no, Mr. Atkinson.
I completely understand. I know it's late.
The reason why I'm actually calling is beca...
I'm literally just walking from the office now.
Yeah, we got some news in today that I thought I'd run by you.
Yeah, um...
we got another offer
on the house that you really like.
Yeah, I know, these things happen all the time, sir.
How are you? All right. Yeah.
Can I get the usual please?
Um, an Italian thin crust pizza.
Pepperoni, obviously.
Um, can you do me that... that sour cream dip that you guys do?
Yeah, um, one strawberry cheesecake.
Yeah, and, um...
could you throw in like a cheeky bottle of coke?
Yeah. You letch.
You know my address, yeah?
Okay. All right, then, how long would that be roughly?
All right. Yeah, no worries.
All right, take care.
Hey.
You all right?
Yeah, how's it going?
Nice.
Yeah, when are you back?
Yeah, no, that shouldn't be a problem.
Let me... write it down.
Yeah, go on.
What was that?
Terminal... 2.
12:22.
Yeah. Not a problem.
I'll be there.
Of course I will.
For you, anything.
What the fuck?
Fuck. Fuck.
No, no, no.
The last thing I'm trying to do, sir,
is to pressure anyone into making a decision
that they don't want to go through.
Yeah, and 15 percent is the preferable rate these days,
but I know some vendors that are willing to offer 10 percent.
And if I'm being completely honest with you, sir,
I saw you. Your aura...
and... the whole ambiance in the house...
that just connected really well.
So I'll let you sleep on it.
Then you can let me know
what you want to do in the morning.
You have a good night.
Oh, shit.
So... yeah. Listen, man, I need to re-up.
Yeah, quick one.
It's been like two scores or something, yeah?
That right-wing pussy telling me to black it up.
Is he mental?
So! So! So!
Your lift stinks.
Shut up, man. That's you that stinks, not my lift.
Bruv, I mean, it's so quick.
What are you wearing?
What do you mean, what am I wearing?
Why are you dressed like that?
Went to a casting, innit?
Oh, yeah. How did it go?
Bruv, the director, walks up to me and goes,
"Excuse me, mate, do you mind blacking it up?"
- What? - Yeah.
I looked at him and goes,
"How much more black can I get?"
- So, what did you do? - I had enough of that.
Afterwards, he comes up to me and goes...
"Do you mind adding a 'motherfucker'."
Like, because I'm black
I have to say "motherfucker."
Just racist, innit?
Now, imagine you're at the office...
and someone comes up to you and says
"Hussein, do you want this bacon sandwich?"
Would you eat it?
Yeah.
'Cause I eat bacon.
Isn't it against your laws?
I mean, yeah...
but I eat pepperoni as well, so...
There's no much difference, innit?
But is it halal, though?
There's no such thing as halal pig.
Halal that.
All right, cool.
Hey, you all right?
What?
Already?
Now, wait a minute.
I thought you said 3 p.m.
That's what I've got written down. That's what you told me.
Wha... So what are you gonna do?
A-All right, all right, I'll come now then, won't I?
W-Wha...
Okay. Chill out.
I'll pick you up from the station then.
Yeah.
Hello?
For fuck's sake, man.
You told me 3 p.m.
So it's my fault, innit?
I can never do anything right.
- You got me a present? - No, I didn't get you one.
Why would I get you a present?
Look, I wrote it down on the wall.
- Where? - On the fridge.
I told you I did. There.
Oh, my God. The hell are...
Oh, my God!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! W... Where did these come from?
- Get rid of them! - I'm trying to get rid of them!
- Can you give me a towel or something... - No!
- Come on, man. - No, I'm scared.
- Well, what am I trying to do? - Open the door!
I need one. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Give me a towel, quick.
No! Talk to them.
Talk to them? I don't know how to talk to the pigeons.
Hey, pigeon.
No!
Get off my chair, man.
Get off!
Go! Go! Go!
Man! Oh, they've shit on my La-Z-Boy.
Fuck, man.
I swear I never left that window open.
Well, you clearly did. Have you not got any food?
There's loads of food in there.
You haven't even got teabags?
What're you talking about. I can see two teabags
with my own eyes right there.
- Where? - On the counter.
They're used.
It's called recycling.
Wow.
I'm not your fucking houseboy.
I'm a professional salesman.
I ain't got time to be fucking buying food for you.
- So I'll go shop, yeah? - Yeah.
I think that's a great idea.
Okay, cool. I'll go shop, so we can eat some food tonight.
- How 'bout that? - Can you get me some...
chocolate chip cookies?
No, I can't.
Glass of red?
Oh!
Game over.
This is nice.
Came to 35 quid.
What, you're asking for money now?
We said half and half.
Half the bills, half the rent.
I'll pay you tomorrow.
What do you want me to do?
Run out of the house now, run to the bank or something?
I'm just saying.
And I'm just saying, what if your food was actually dead.
Okay, cool.
I'm going to bed, yeah? You can do the washing up.
Breakfast is served.
Morning.
- Listen... - That's nice.
I'm so sorry, yeah?
Don't be sorry. Just be nicer.
I didn't mean to write the wrong time down, did I?
Yeah, I didn't mean to be a massive bitch, but fucking hell.
I think I was feeling hemmed in or something.
My head weren't in the right place.
It's all right. Don't worry about it.
Listen, I was thinking
we should do something today.
- What? - Like...
- go to the cinema, watch a film. - Mm.
Go and get some more food.
What food?
Go to the Chicken Shop.
Okay.
- You like the Chicken Shop? - Yeah.
Then we can come back...
and then I can...
What's that?
- It's the... - What?
- The Slider. - The Slider.
Yeah, it's time for the Slider.
You need to work on your moves.
You know I can always use the Slider.
You need to work on your Slider.
Your Slider's dead.
- You said the Slider was good. - Mmm.
That's not what you were saying.
I faked it.
What?
You faked it?
I'm so sorry.
Stop it.
- Were you faking that now as well? - Yeah.
Yeah, but that's different. That's tickling me.
Oh! You're meant to be nice.
- I'm being nice. - No, you're not.
- I am. - No, you're not. You're being...
- Do you wanna be any louder? - Yeah.
I'll fucking scream the place down.
You're meant to be nice to me.
Stop it. I don't like it when you play.
Mmm.
You said my Slider was dead.
- Dead. - No...
Fine, I ain't gonna bring out the Slider.
No, I'm joking.
I'll give you The Brown Hammer.
The Brown Hammer...
♪ I know you and you know me and I know you, yeah ♪
♪ That's my other half, she stick to me like glue ♪
What are you doing?
- I didn't do that on purpose. - Don't lie.
Don't get ugly.
What if my head was to crack into that door.
Oh, you're so dramatic.
You wouldn't be living in this amazing flat then.
- You do know that, right? - Are you serious?
This place ain't amazing?
- Mmm, it's all right. - What?
It'll do.
So what would you change about it then?
I'd get some plants in, I'd get some candles in,
I'd get some quotes.
Quotes, all right. Quotes I can work with.
- Yeah? - Yeah. All right.
We can do that. Can you, um...
help me when you're done.
Yeah,
I can.
What time are you home tonight?
Um, probably later than usual
- because... - What?
I've got to impress my first day back.
But you said tonight we're gonna...
What?
- Put you against the wall. - Yeah, we can,
but I'm just gonna have to be later.
All right.
You better sell five houses today.
- Five? - Yeah.
I mean, I got twelve lined up already.
Oh, you're so full of it.
Take these off.
Come, then. Show me what you've got.
Show you what I've got?
- Oh, it's like that now? - Yeah.
- It's competition time? - Yeah.
- Last time that happened... - Mmm.
...I'm sure I won.
- Really? - Yeah.
Mmm.
- Hello. - Mmm.
Hello.
What's going on? Why is it not...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
It's all right. Don't worry about it.
Why are you so ugly?
It's all right. You ain't got to be Mr. Lova Lova all the time.
- All the time? - Yeah.
- It's fine. - Of course I have to.
No, you don't, man. It happens.
And when is the last time this happened to me?
Before I went on a holiday.
There's been so many times we're about to have sex and you can't get it up.
So what? All this is my fault?
No, I'm just saying it's probably the weed.
Messes with your libido, innit?
- It's not the weed. - It's not the weed, no?
- Nah, it's not the weed. - What is it then?
It's you.
It's your fault. It's not my fault.
Why would it be my fault?
'Cause you got a flat arse.
That's why.
How else can I not get it up?
There's nothing even there, man.
Cool.
Prick.
I feel like dog shit, man.
Well, you look like dog shit.
What?
- That's funny? - Yeah.
You're such a pussy. Man up. Grow some balls, man.
Man-flu?
- Have you seen my diamond tiepin? - No.
- What do you mean no? - I mean no.
We all great, innit?
Shut up, man.
So rude.
Where is it? Oh.
"Big monster dick."
"Soldier in my Ass."
"Suck My Nine Inch in a Gloryhole."
"Monkeys in the Shower."
"Cock-a-cock."
- Oh, that's funny? - That's not me.
So, what is this? Why is it cut?
I don't know.
I left this morning, Mel.
I found out mid-day whilst I was at work
walking around like a fucking dickhead.
Oh, there's no change there. Is there, Hussein?
Come on, Mel, man. I'm being serious.
So am I, being serious.
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
- And what about my phone? - What's... What?
- What did you do to it? - What do you mean?
I put it on charge last night next to you.
- Okay, cool. - That's not funny.
I walked out this morning, and it was fucking zero percent.
- Okay, what about my laptop? - What about your laptop?
Why is there porn on my laptop?
- I don't know. - You've been watching porn on my laptop?
- No! - No?
- No! - Okay.
I don't watch porn on your laptop.
Okay, so you're telling me, Hussein, that
"Soldier in My Arse" isn't you?
- What? - You've been watching gay porn on my laptop?
- No, I haven't. - I took this to work today.
You know my boss, he saw that today.
It's disgusting. It's actually rank.
- Mel. - What?
I haven't been watching gay porn on your laptop.
What else has been watching porn on my laptop?
Why... Who else lives here?
- Don't ask me dumb questions. - Who else lives here?
- No one. - Okay, so just you and me live here, yeah?
- Yeah. - So you're telling me that somehow
a ghost is watching porn on my laptop?
- I don't know what "Solider in My Arse" is. - Is that what turns you on?
Is that what turns you on? You know, it actually makes sense.
That's why you can't get it up, ain't it?
'Cause you like dick.
Mel.
I haven't been watching gay porn on your laptop.
And what the hell is this?
- They're your knickers. - Yeah, what's that?
- Ugh! I don't know. - It's your cum.
- No, that's not. - Yes, it is your cum.
Why're you wanking over my knickers for?
- You've been trying... - That's nasty, Mel. I would not do that.
I can't believe I actually let you touch me.
- It wasn't me. I didn't do anything. - Whatever.
- Why don't you ever understand? - You're sick!
You never listen.
Oh, my God!
- Hussein. - Yeah.
- Come flush the toilet. - What?
Flush the toilet.
Why? I never used it.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
You've done a shit, and you've not flushed it.
It's disgusting. Flush it.
- I haven't shit yet. - I'm not flushing that.
What? Oh!
- That's nasty. - Yeah, it's nasty. Flush it.
- It's not mine. - It's not mine.
- What do you want me to do? - What are you lying?
- I'm not lying. - Yes, you are lying.
- No, I'm not. - And I guess you never used this, no?
- No. - This is my shampoo. You know that, right?
- Yes. - Cost me 40 pounds.
It's empty.
I've got my own shampoo.
So use your own in the future.
- I do... - This is empty.
This cost me 40 quid. You're so selfish.
It's probably you overusing it.
No, I haven't used it yet.
All right.
I can't even use that shampoo anyway.
It don't even work in my head.
I can't use that shampoo...
I don't care whether you can't use it or not.
- I didn't do it. - You're a compulsive liar, you know that?
- I'm not lying. - Yes, you are.
You don't know the difference between reality and a lie anymore.
I didn't take a shit, and I didn't use your shampoo.
When are you gonna take these fucking make-believe images out of your head?
- It's not make-believe. - Yes, it is make-believe.
- No, it's not. - It really is.
- No, it's not. - I haven't done it!
I'm worried. You got something wrong in your head.
- Really? You think I'm mental? - Yeah.
You got bipolar or something.
- You think I got bipolar? - Yeah.
You're a selfish asshole sometimes.
- I'm selfish? - Yeah.
- Me? - Yeah.
When all I've done over these whole
past few years is care for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I've never not cared for you? - And I've loved you.
Yeah, have I loved you?
- And I've allowed you to stay in this place. - Ah, cool.
- You've allowed me to stay in here, yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, you've allowed me to stay in here like I'm a burden?
- How dare you? - Is it not the truth?
Whether it's the truth or not, Hussein, how dare you!
I stayed here 'cause I wanted to stay here, not 'cause I needed to stay here.
What, you think you're some amazing estate agent, yeah? You're not.
You're a little pussy, all right?
Know that. I'm done.
- You do that all the time. - Do what? What do I do? What do I do?
Just step away from the problem.
You are the problem, Hussein.
I think you should get ready for work.
I won't be here when you get back. I'm done.
Cool.
Don't call me and don't come back knocking on my door.
I ain't gonna call you.
You fucking always do.
Bon voyage.
Oh, man!
What the fuck is that?
Ugh!
So, what are you telling me?
You've got a ghost?
A ghost who shits.
Well, how else do you explain it then, man?
I don't know. I think your bra is too tight or something.
I don't wear a bra.
I'm telling you, it was all her.
I hear you.
But you didn't see the size of...
what I saw.
It was a man's work, you know.
Like a builder's work. Know what I'm saying?
Yeah, that's exactly what I said, bruv.
You fucking dodged a bullet with that one, mate.
I told her. I actually told her...
I laid down the plan.
She was crying. Tears running down her eyes.
- Yeah? - You know...
"No, what? No, Hussein, don't do this.
We can still be together."
- Hmm. - "Let's stay friends."
Stay friends!
- "I'll change." Fuck off! - Fuck that.
I got my life back now, innit?
I'm a free man.
- With the girls. - Yeah, you're right.
Yeah. You're right.
And all you need to do now is to stop looking like shit.
Hello, Gerry.
Yeah, mate. Um...
Yeah, no, I'm not good, man.
Listen, I've been meaning to ring you, man.
Yeah, I'm iller than a motherfucker right now, mate.
Yeah, I can send you the schedule.
Hm...
Mmh, mmh...
But I never even ordered one of these, man.
Yeah, well, I dunno. Must be a gift or something, innit?
- A gift? - Yeah.
Who gets a freezer as a gift, mate?
That's not our problem, is it?
Look, if you don't want it, fair enough.
But if you want to have it taken back,
you're gonna have to contact the depot yourself.
- What? - Yeah, you shouldn't have signed for it if you didn't want it.
So immature, Mel.
Oh, for fuck's sake, man.
Hold on, what?
What the fuck are you talking about? Quilted for softness.
Quilted for softness?
You asked me for tissue, and I gave you tissue.
You're lucky I didn't give you fucking sandpaper.
No, man, I know. I'm grateful.
Don't be grateful.
Be embarrassed.
Be ashamed.
Listen, you staying for a puff or what?
You what? What, share your joint?
Yeah.
And catch your herpes.
Bruv, I rather eat onions.
Look, I'm not doing this bullshit again, man.
I'm a busy man, you know?
Yeah, I know you are but like I said,
it was an emergency, wasn't it?
- That why I needed you, bruv. - Yeah.
But, you know, when you get yourself back on your feet, yeah,
you owe me.
Yeah. I'm starting to get better anyway.
Look, I'm going to give you some advice, yeah?
You're gonna listen?
Look up at the stars...
and not at your feet.
And try to make sense
of what you see...
and wonder...
what really makes this universe exist.
Be curious.
Yeah, yeah. You're right, man.
I need to be more.
What the fuck is that, anyway?
That.
That's a freezer.
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
♪ Exchanging glances ♪
♪ Wondering in the night ♪
♪ What were the chances ♪
♪ La-la-la da-da ♪
♪ La-la da-da ♪
♪ La-da ♪
♪ Something in your eyes ♪
♪ Was so exciting ♪
♪ Something in your smile ♪
♪ Was so inviting ♪
♪ La da-da-da-da ♪
Come on, Mel. Just answer your phone, man.
Please.
I just wanna talk to you.
♪ La-la-la da-da ♪
♪ La-la-da-da ♪
Ring me back when you can, yeah?
I miss you.
What the fuck?
I need one as soon as possible.
Yeah, um, preferably today.
Yeah. No, sorry, it's an emergency, you see?
One second.
All right, Gerry, mate.
Look, I can't really talk right now, man.
I'm a bit busy.
What?
Hold on a minute.
What are you talking about?
I sent you the full schedule yesterday.
Warning? You're gonna give me a warning?
No, cool. No, it's fine, Gerry.
It's all right. Go on, give me a warning, innit?
'Cause I let you know, yeah?
That warning ain't gonna be as bad as chemotherapy, is it?
No, and just in case you wondered
it's terminal as well.
So, sorry if I got some other things on my mind, mate, yeah?
Fucking prick.
A million and 50.
A million and 10.
A million and 20.
Gerry.
What are you doing here?
What is that?
It's a cock.
- It is disgusting. - Yeah, I know.
- Are you sure it's not yours? - It's not mine.
But why are you looking at me like that?
It certainly ain't mine.
Have you seen it?
It's white.
Whose cock is it then?
How the fuck am I meant to know whose cock that is?
It was sent from your phone. They all were.
Well, my phone must have got nicked then.
I spoke to you this morning.
Yeah, and it must have been in the afternoon.
After I came out of the doctor's.
That's it. My phone got nicked in the afternoon,
and they got sent.
Why? When... when were they sent to you?
- This afternoon. - Hah! There we go.
Makes sense, don't it?
Oh dear. What is that?
Look, Gerry, man...
- I swear, I didn't mean to lie. - Save it.
You're fired.
Effective immediately.
- No, you can't do that. - I just did.
You better not be lying this time,
or I swear to God.
Yeah, well, of course I'm gonna ask you.
You're the only person who had access to my wallet.
So it wasn't you
who ordered this massive freezer
that just sitting in my living room right now?
So, Mr. Hussein,
new lock, bolts, and chain.
You can't really do much more than that.
Safe as houses, as they say.
Go on, then.
Sh-show your face.
Fucking prick.
What the fuck?
"According to the law in London,
you may sit down for the night,
but the police must move you on
if they see you asleep."
Hey, how's it going?
My friends.
Yes, Mum, I've eaten.
I had, like, a pepperoni pizza before.
No.
I don't know whose it is.
I'm being serious.
Wh... Why are you asking me anyway? Like you haven't seen my willy before.
No.
Th-That's not me trying to show you that I'm gay.
Mum.
It...
The willy was not even circumcised.
So why... I don't understand why you would even think it's mine.
Have you seen the color of it?
It looks like a fucking fish finger.
I guess it's just us guys now, innit?
Guess we gotta look after each other.
You fucking idiot.
Never a lender or borrower be!
You used to say it all the time.
Look, I know we're a working family,
and...
this isn't me trying to get you and Dad
to pay for my mortgage.
That's not what I'm asking.
I just wanted to see if he was able
to lend me a couple hundred quid until the end of...
No, I know.
There is not a lot out there, Mum, but...
I'm gonna try it.
I hope to find one.
Pretty confident I can.
Just gotta look up at the stars and not down at my feet,
I guess.
What's the matter with you? Can't say hello?
What the bumboclaat?
Holy shit!
Bruv, what's going on? What's the matter?
Are you all right, bruv?
Looks like a fucking crack den in here.
Bruv...
just give me my weed and fuck off, innit?
Oh, so, it's like that, yeah?
You know what, take your fucking weed, yeah?
Hola!
Holy fuck!
What the fuck? What are you doing in my house?
Fuck you!
You didn't give me anywhere else to go.
Who the fuck are you?
Mister Flash Bastard!
Mister Wheeler Dealer!
Fucking crazy-boy!
Get out of my fucking house!
Come on. Make your fucking move!
I'll snap your fucking neck.
Oh, please, man, please.
We can sort something out. We don't have to do this.
I got some cash. I can give you some money.
Money. Of course.
Money? Fuck you!
Sit down!
Probably don't remember my girlfriend.
Well...
she lost her baby.
She lost the baby, anyway.
And I lost her.
Court.
I lost both, both of them.
They do say it's stressful...
losing your home.
Man, I was just doing my job.
They tell us to do that stuff.
Wait it out for the highest offer.
'Cause I'm a victim of it just as much as you are.
H-Hey now, come on.
Hey, now, you ain't gonna do this, man!
Goodbye, my friends.
Hello, Mum.
Yeah, listen to me, yeah? Listen to me carefully.
I need your help.
Can you get Imran please?
Tell him to come to my house... ASAP.
Yeah. No, it's an emergency.
I-I'm...
Basically, some old, crazy man
has stuck me in a freezer.
It's in the hallway. Why does that even matter?
Yeah, can you just tell him to come quick.
Yeah, I'll explain more la...
No.
This has not got nothing to do with sex.
Yes, Mum.
Hello? Hello?
Mum? Mum?
Mum?
As far back as I can remember,
I always wanted to be an estate agent.
All right, calm down.
That was a little lie.
A fake statement.
I got no qualifications, no experience,
no license, nor training.
I answered an ad in a job site saying
"Spineless and love negotiating?"
At least I'm not like them
"Home Under the Hammer" spanners.
Once the property is completed, I advise
shut the fuck up, you bunch of wankers.
I spray a can of Brut over my 60 percent polyester suit.
I spit shine my shoes.
"Yes, Mrs. Brown. I'll meet you outside at noon."
See, to my face, people call me Hussein.
Behind my back, "Saddam, pak rat, Taliban."
Some even think Gandhi's my name.
I know I'm not Indian.
But we're still all the same.
This race-based hate can raise the strain and take the piss.
You think I'm a cabbie?
A corner shop Ali, serving curry?
As if. I'm an estate agent. A great agent.
I make payments. And if there's a new space vacant, I'm chain breaking.
I could give a fuck if I sold you a lame, stained basement.
I mean, you viewed it, right?
I remember this one story about this one don.
I think his name was John.
He put a house on the offer, for a mansion.
Oh! I thought the lot was on.
But my commission was rotten.
He wanted this place so bad.
I decided to bend and break.
"Yeah, mate, I'll ring the vendor, and I'll negotiate."
That's how I fucked him over.
And that's the money that paid for my holiday.
So what if a client outbid himself in the end?
We're not relatives, acquaintances,
or personal friends.
The more you zoom in...
the less we all count.
It's like we're all rats, ants, and parasites.
All crawling around.
It's a vicious cycle.
We signed our lives to a trap.
They say, karma can't harm ya...
if it can't catch up.
So run fast towards the darkness
in hope... not trust.
Subtitles by explosiveskull