1
00:00:46,965 --> 00:00:50,802
A handgun bullet travels
at more than 700 miles per hour.
2
00:00:53,388 --> 00:00:56,099
Hey, whoa. Absolutely not. No.
3
00:00:56,808 --> 00:00:57,851
Mmm-mmm.
4
00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:01,938
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.
5
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,898
Okay. Good,
I don't wanna do it.
6
00:01:03,982 --> 00:01:05,066
Fine.
7
00:01:07,944 --> 00:01:10,947
Goddamn! I'm alive.
8
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:12,240
Oh!
9
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:15,326
Oh, that's amazing!
10
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,829
I know, right. So...
11
00:01:19,539 --> 00:01:20,540
Hmm.
12
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:22,709
Ready to go again?
13
00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,335
Absolutely not.
14
00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:26,504
Fine.
15
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:29,716
Don't just say "fine" and
then shoot me in the chest.
16
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,468
'Cause it's not cool.
17
00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:32,677
Like at all.
18
00:01:32,969 --> 00:01:35,638
Okay. Jeez.
19
00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:47,317
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.
20
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,070
It turns out
somebody had. Mindy Macready.
21
00:01:51,196 --> 00:01:53,782
After her dad died, his
old partner on the force,
22
00:01:53,865 --> 00:01:55,617
Marcus,
became her guardian.
23
00:01:55,742 --> 00:01:58,620
Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.
24
00:01:58,703 --> 00:01:59,746
Thanks.
25
00:01:59,871 --> 00:02:01,539
Steal it from a 6 year old?
26
00:02:01,706 --> 00:02:03,875
Marcus dropped
her off every day.
27
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,170
But as soon as he
was gone, so was she.
28
00:02:08,922 --> 00:02:11,424
No one at school found out because
she hacked into the server
29
00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:13,676
and gave herself the award
for perfect attendance.
30
00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:17,889
Hit Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.
31
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,642
Mindy was gonna
keep wearing the mask
32
00:02:20,809 --> 00:02:23,228
as long as there were
criminals to take down.
33
00:02:26,064 --> 00:02:28,399
But no matter how many
drug dealers she stopped,
34
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,778
she couldn't stop
feeling alone.
35
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,490
Me? I'd given up
being a superhero
36
00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,408
because it was
way too dangerous.
37
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:40,328
Only problem,
I was dying of boredom.
38
00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:41,663
Like most
high school seniors,
39
00:02:41,746 --> 00:02:43,957
I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.
40
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,709
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.
41
00:02:46,835 --> 00:02:49,587
It's just TV, Dave, not
peace in the Middle East.
42
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,172
My best friends
Todd and Marty
43
00:02:51,256 --> 00:02:53,800
had no clue I was the first
superhero to go public.
44
00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:56,052
You guys watch
Spider-Man last night?
45
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:57,720
Is it weird that Aunt
May gets me kinda hard?
46
00:02:57,804 --> 00:02:59,430
Not if you're
a granny-slammer.
47
00:02:59,556 --> 00:03:02,308
They may wear
costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
48
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,143
They're real
life superheroes,
49
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,646
and in the 2 years since
the first ordinary citizens
50
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:08,398
donned capes and masks,
51
00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:10,400
the movement has
started to spread.
52
00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,443
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.
53
00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:13,820
Yeah, you just
come home from work,
54
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:16,447
you grab your gear
and you go out on patrol.
55
00:03:16,573 --> 00:03:18,366
Help us make
the streets safe.
56
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:21,536
I inspired all those
people to get off their asses,
57
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,705
and now
I was stuck on mine.
58
00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:28,251
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my old costume out.
59
00:03:30,837 --> 00:03:32,881
Sorry. Whoa! Can't you knock?
60
00:03:33,006 --> 00:03:35,675
You know, buddy, it's perfectly
normal for you to touch yourself...
61
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,886
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get out!
62
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:42,098
If I was even thinking
about a Kick-Ass sequel,
63
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:43,808
I had to get serious.
64
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,395
Hey. Hey,
can we chat?
65
00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:49,939
Please, Mindy?
66
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:53,401
Get in the cab.
Meter's running.
67
00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:58,197
I wanna team up
like Batman and Robin.
68
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:00,909
Nobody wants to be Robin.
69
00:04:00,992 --> 00:04:02,201
What's wrong with Robin?
70
00:04:02,327 --> 00:04:04,537
Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?
71
00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:05,997
Robin wishes he was me.
72
00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:07,874
What I'm trying to say
is we should be partners,
73
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:10,835
you and me, like the dynamic duo.
74
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,047
I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.
75
00:04:14,172 --> 00:04:16,090
So? Train me.
76
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,675
I wanna walk the walk,
77
00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:20,428
and you're the closest thing
I know to a real superhero.
78
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,641
Aren't you tired
of being on your own?
79
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,894
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?
80
00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,939
Someone who's
got your back?
81
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,864
And you'll do
anything I say?
82
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:41,157
Anything.
83
00:04:41,407 --> 00:04:42,450
Hit me.
84
00:04:43,076 --> 00:04:45,203
You're a 15-year-old girl.
85
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,330
What the hell?
86
00:04:48,498 --> 00:04:51,417
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.
87
00:04:57,757 --> 00:04:59,258
Oh, goddamn.
88
00:05:00,635 --> 00:05:03,721
Mindy beat me like morning
wood every day for 3 weeks.
89
00:05:03,805 --> 00:05:06,808
Come on. Guard up!
Left, right, guard up!
90
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:14,273
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.
91
00:05:15,942 --> 00:05:19,112
But, in a weird way,
I kinda liked it.
92
00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:20,405
It gave me
a sense of purpose.
93
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:22,407
What happened to your face?
Nothing.
94
00:05:22,532 --> 00:05:24,075
Like we were driving
towards something.
95
00:05:24,909 --> 00:05:26,119
Goddamn!
96
00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:28,955
Oh! Oh, that's amazing!
97
00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:33,376
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.
98
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:35,420
We were training
to really do it.
99
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:39,507
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.
100
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,135
But I didn't care. We
were having too much fun.
101
00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:44,929
Left, right, left!
102
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,729
Our own superhero team.
103
00:05:55,023 --> 00:05:56,691
It was gonna be balls.
104
00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:03,489
What the hell, Mom? Did you
delete the news off the DVR?
105
00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:05,825
Yes. Yes,
I did, Christopher.
106
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,994
That was the one
with Kick-Ass.
107
00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:12,206
Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop
obsessing over this superhero.
108
00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:14,751
He is not a superhero,
Mom, he's a murderer.
109
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,045
He blew up Dad with a
bazooka, for fuck's sake!
110
00:06:17,128 --> 00:06:19,255
Your father died
in a fire.
111
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,549
A fire?
What is your problem?
112
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,510
You! You are my problem!
113
00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:28,681
I am trying to raise you
to be a normal boy!
114
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:32,602
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.
115
00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:36,814
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch!
116
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:39,150
This conversation is over.
117
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,902
Great. Then I'm leaving.
118
00:06:42,904 --> 00:06:44,530
Come on, Javier,
be cool.
119
00:06:44,697 --> 00:06:47,325
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.
120
00:06:51,496 --> 00:06:55,958
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!
121
00:06:56,042 --> 00:06:57,835
You threw away
my Red Mist costume.
122
00:06:57,919 --> 00:07:00,713
God! I am not
the problem! You are!
123
00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:04,342
I wish you were dead!
124
00:07:11,182 --> 00:07:12,350
Mommy?
125
00:07:18,689 --> 00:07:19,816
Don't touch that.
126
00:07:19,899 --> 00:07:21,025
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
127
00:07:21,109 --> 00:07:24,862
It's a last resort. Like if all
else fails and you're about to die.
128
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,869
Are you not scared to die?
129
00:07:31,953 --> 00:07:34,747
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?
130
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,834
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man
or Batman got killed one night?
131
00:07:37,917 --> 00:07:38,960
It could happen.
132
00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:43,089
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain, you are going to die.
133
00:07:44,215 --> 00:07:46,717
My daddy was never
afraid of dying.
134
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,595
Look where that got him.
135
00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:53,975
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.
136
00:07:55,226 --> 00:07:56,561
And that's why
he made me promise
137
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,230
I'd never stop
defending this city.
138
00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:02,483
Cross my heart,
139
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,153
hope to die.
140
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:10,491
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?
141
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:16,956
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy
was the first real superhero,
142
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:20,793
not you or Red Mist.
It was my daddy,
143
00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:24,463
and it was an honor
to serve by his side.
144
00:08:36,142 --> 00:08:37,768
Hey, Min,
how was school?
145
00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,353
Super crazy.
146
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:40,938
Miss Mullins
was out today,
147
00:08:41,022 --> 00:08:44,192
so we had Mr. Cooper teaching
us biology, such a grump.
148
00:08:44,275 --> 00:08:46,944
Oh, really? That's weird because
Principal Himoff called me yesterday.
149
00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:48,529
You were supposed
to get an award
150
00:08:48,613 --> 00:08:51,157
for perfect attendance,
but you didn't attend.
151
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,911
I followed you this morning. Saw
you get into a cab with some boy,
152
00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:57,038
and I lost you guys
over the bridge.
153
00:08:57,121 --> 00:08:59,957
So now you wanna tell me
where you really were today?
154
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:08,841
I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didn't wanna make you mad.
155
00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,552
Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not 5.
156
00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:16,641
Okay.
157
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,393
Look, he asked me to out
class and go to the mall.
158
00:09:19,477 --> 00:09:21,812
So,yeah,
yeah, I did.
159
00:09:22,313 --> 00:09:24,398
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit Girl?
160
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,525
I'm not gonna
find any ninja blades
161
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:28,903
or throwing stars
under your bed?
162
00:09:29,028 --> 00:09:32,198
No. I just wanted him
to like me. Okay?
163
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:35,785
Sweetie, skipping school's not
a way to get boys to like you.
164
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,578
I'm so stupid.
Hey, hey.
165
00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:42,124
You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
Let's go get some pizza.
166
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,168
What, you mean
I'm not grounded?
167
00:09:44,252 --> 00:09:46,462
Well, just consider
this a warning.
168
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:51,008
Hey, you sure you wanna
give all your mom's things away?
169
00:09:51,092 --> 00:09:52,885
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?
170
00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,098
Damn, she had
a nice pair of guns.
171
00:09:57,223 --> 00:09:59,934
Dude, she's dead!
Don't talk about her tits.
172
00:10:00,101 --> 00:10:02,019
I was talking about these.
173
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,814
Oh, those.
Those were my dad's.
174
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,818
Why don't you keep them?
175
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,653
Are you sure?
176
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:11,779
Yeah. I mean,
they belong to you, right?
177
00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:14,740
Come on, Chris.
You're your own man now.
178
00:10:15,366 --> 00:10:18,077
Just be careful, all right?
Yeah.
179
00:10:20,371 --> 00:10:21,706
Whoa!
180
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:24,458
Definitely don't
wanna keep those!
181
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:25,751
I'll take care of it.
182
00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:36,137
You take the day off.
Later.
183
00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:40,975
Hey.
184
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:44,270
So, are you ready for
your first field test?
185
00:10:44,395 --> 00:10:45,563
What am I supposed
to do with these?
186
00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:48,733
Put them on and, uh,
go fishing.
187
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:01,537
I'm the whitest pimp ever.
188
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:02,872
That's the idea.
189
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,915
Take the next right.
Comes out on Flatbush.
190
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:07,001
You sure I should be doing
this without my gear?
191
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,169
That's the point.
192
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:11,088
Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.
193
00:11:11,172 --> 00:11:12,965
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
194
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:16,385
Well, my "mask" is about to
get his teeth kicked in.
195
00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:21,098
Hey, queer bait, where are you
going with those bags, man?
196
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:24,268
Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
197
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,020
I'm just taking a walk.
198
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:29,148
This really isn't what I do. I
usually just call the cops.
199
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,233
Who are you
talking to, man?
200
00:11:31,776 --> 00:11:34,320
Uh, I'm just on a call.
It was...
201
00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:37,114
You know, service round
here, it sucks, man.
202
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:40,993
Now give me the bags, faggot, before
I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
203
00:11:41,494 --> 00:11:42,828
Come on.
204
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,708
Okay, Okay-
205
00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:16,987
Can you believe I let Mindy
beat the snot out of me for weeks
206
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:19,240
just so I could get
my ass kicked again?
207
00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:21,075
So much for a team.
208
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,536
You ready to die?
You faggot!
209
00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:30,751
You know, all that homophobic
shit makes you sound super gay.
210
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,408
Come on, man.
Come on.
211
00:13:04,869 --> 00:13:07,037
If I ever catch you robbing
again, shit-burger,
212
00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:09,707
I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on
your ass and out your hand off.
213
00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:12,293
Promise me you're done
with your life of crime.
214
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:13,711
I promise.
215
00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,675
Pants on fire.
216
00:13:20,718 --> 00:13:22,970
What do you think? I think
you almost got me killed!
217
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,097
No. What do you
think of my line?
218
00:13:25,181 --> 00:13:26,891
"Pants on fire."
I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
219
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:30,060
Run! I'll tell them
you saved me. Go!
220
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:32,771
Female
suspect fleeing Flatbush.
221
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,733
Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed
with nunchucks and a sword.
222
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,500
Hey, Min. Hey, Marcus.
What's up?
223
00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:53,709
I see you answered
your phone.
224
00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:54,877
That means
you're not in school.
225
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,295
I was,
226
00:13:56,420 --> 00:14:00,466
but I wasn't feeling so good, and so
the nurse decided to send me home.
227
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,760
Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home.
228
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,803
I'll make soup
and we can watch Jeopardy!
229
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,764
All righty.
I'll see you soon, okay?
230
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,932
All right.
231
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:34,875
Shit!
232
00:15:01,652 --> 00:15:03,320
You got my soup?
233
00:15:06,991 --> 00:15:09,034
Let me take your
temperature first.
234
00:15:09,118 --> 00:15:10,911
Oh, you're really clammy.
235
00:15:10,995 --> 00:15:12,788
I'll feel better
after a nap-nap.
236
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,499
Close your eyes. I'm
gonna get you that soup.
237
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:22,631
Is that blood?
238
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,926
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.
239
00:15:26,302 --> 00:15:27,928
Your father was
like a brother to me.
240
00:15:28,012 --> 00:15:29,930
He was a great cop
and a hero.
241
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:32,182
But Big Daddy? That was
not your father, okay?
242
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:35,269
That was someone who robbed
you of your childhood.
243
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,770
And this?
244
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,816
Hit Girl?
That's not who you are.
245
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:47,865
You are Mindy Macready and you're
just starting high school.
246
00:15:49,158 --> 00:15:51,076
I understand that you don't
know who that person is yet,
247
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,829
but you will,
you've just gotta try.
248
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:55,080
I don't want to.
249
00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:56,373
You don't know
what you want.
250
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,209
You can't. You're not
an adult, not yet.
251
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:03,130
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
than most adults have in their lifetime.
252
00:16:04,423 --> 00:16:06,175
That note that
your father gave you,
253
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:08,969
the one that you were supposed to
open if anything ever happened.
254
00:16:09,053 --> 00:16:10,971
What did it say?
255
00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:12,097
That you would
take care of me.
256
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:14,475
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?
257
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:15,684
Well, listen up.
258
00:16:15,768 --> 00:16:18,479
I want you in school. I want you
to stop talking to that boy.
259
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:19,938
And I want you
to promise me
260
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,608
that this is never
gonna happen again.
261
00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:37,581
Cross my heart,
262
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,625
hope to die.
263
00:16:42,086 --> 00:16:43,253
Good.
264
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,269
Mindy!
265
00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:00,354
What the hell?
266
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,481
First you almost get me
killed, then you stand me up.
267
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:03,524
Dave, I'm sorry.
268
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:05,234
I mean, I...
You are?
269
00:17:06,110 --> 00:17:07,111
I am.
270
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:10,239
For everything.
271
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,408
Oh, okay, great.
272
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:16,620
I mean, "apologetic" isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.
273
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:19,039
How many times do
I have to say it?
274
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:21,291
Look,
let's get out of here.
275
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,836
You gotta ease up. I think
I might have broken a rib.
276
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:25,421
Dave, I'm done.
277
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:27,005
With training?
278
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,465
With everything.
279
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,802
Wait, you mean everything?
280
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:37,099
You can't.
You're Hit Girl.
281
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,393
We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.
282
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,311
This is who you are.
283
00:17:41,437 --> 00:17:42,563
Not anymore, Dave.
284
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:47,151
I'm sorry, but it's over.
I'm done.
285
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,485
She just broke up
with him?
286
00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:49,695
Just leave me alone.
287
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,947
Will you stop apologizing?
288
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:56,076
I don't know what's worse, that
you're fucking a 9th-grader
289
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,703
or that you just got dumped by one.
Whoa, whoa!
290
00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:58,829
Pedophile freak.
291
00:17:58,996 --> 00:17:59,955
It's not like that.
292
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,582
Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.
293
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:04,668
I can't. It's to do with the
Kick-Ass thing.
294
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:07,588
I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malik?
295
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,923
Dude who volunteers
at your needle exchange?
296
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:13,010
His baton is so much
bigger than Kick-Ass'.
297
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,845
No.
Yeah.
298
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:17,765
And by "baton,"
I mean penis.
299
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:19,808
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
300
00:18:20,184 --> 00:18:22,603
15 gets
you 20, pervert.
301
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:26,190
A freshman, Dave?
You old, salty dog.
302
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:29,693
What's the problem? Grass on
the field, play ball. Right?
303
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,779
No, Todd.
304
00:18:31,862 --> 00:18:32,988
Chris,
your tutor's here.
305
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:34,948
Chris!
306
00:18:35,574 --> 00:18:37,159
Chris, your...
307
00:18:37,493 --> 00:18:40,496
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
308
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,123
My destiny.
309
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,335
Chris, just because your mom liked
to get a little freaky now.
310
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:48,378
I know what my role
is in this, Javier.
311
00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:51,799
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense.
312
00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:55,302
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.
313
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:56,553
Come on, come on.
314
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:58,764
Just put those things down
before you hurt somebody, Chris.
315
00:18:58,847 --> 00:18:59,890
That's not my name.
316
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,643
Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist...
317
00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:05,521
Red Mist was
my superhero name.
318
00:19:05,604 --> 00:19:07,272
Henceforth
I'll be known as
319
00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:10,359
The Motherfucker.
320
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:13,445
After Mindy quit,
321
00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:16,657
I decided to stop hitting the heavy
bag and start hitting the streets.
322
00:19:16,782 --> 00:19:18,909
Hey, Kick-Ass,
welcome back!
323
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,118
Yeah!
Whoo!
324
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:21,912
You're the best, man!
325
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:25,457
Only problem,
I was still on my own.
326
00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:28,085
So I went online and found
a physics professor
327
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,170
calling himself
"Dr. Gravity."
328
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:33,382
Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.
329
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:36,009
This is the zero G device
that I invented.
330
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:38,345
Can levitate
any object up to a ton.
331
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,638
For real?
332
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:43,016
Hell, no, man. This is a
baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
333
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,643
But it fooled you.
334
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,687
Hey, could I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?
335
00:19:46,812 --> 00:19:48,313
I'm not even
a physics professor.
336
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,940
Just a copywriter
for an ad agency.
337
00:19:50,107 --> 00:19:52,025
But that's why
I love this stuff.
338
00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:54,278
You can be
anyone you want!
339
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:56,738
You done many
team-ups before?
340
00:19:56,822 --> 00:19:59,283
Kind of. Yeah.
No, not really.
341
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,493
I was getting kinda nervous about
being on my own, you know?
342
00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:04,580
Yeah, me, too. I never
even been in a fight.
343
00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:08,500
Well, hopefully
you won't have to.
344
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:12,004
I friended a guy talking about forming
a team, if you're interested.
345
00:20:12,129 --> 00:20:13,714
I don't know
how serious he is,
346
00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,132
but his picture
was pretty hard core.
347
00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:18,385
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.
348
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:20,971
I didn't wanna freak you out
by bringing it up too soon.
349
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,515
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.
350
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,895
Your Uncle Ralph's not
gonna be happy about this, Chris.
351
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,062
That's not my name.
352
00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:30,606
I'm not calling
you that, forget it.
353
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,733
Javier, you worked
for my dad.
354
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:35,861
Then you worked for my mom.
Now you work for me.
355
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,655
I'm probably the richest kid
in New York City.
356
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,157
But if you
don't like that,
357
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,160
find yourself another
motherfucking job, okay?
358
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:45,787
Yo, Kick-Ass!
359
00:20:46,455 --> 00:20:48,332
Man,
am I glad to see you.
360
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,000
Is there anything
I can do to help, sir?
361
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,753
Yeah. I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube.
362
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:00,844
Come on. Come on.
363
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:20,030
Run, Kick-Ass, run!
364
00:21:22,491 --> 00:21:24,826
Jersey Shore motherfucker!
365
00:21:25,661 --> 00:21:28,538
Hey, what, you not
interested in a fair fight?
366
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:34,378
That is no fair fight. Team meeting tomorrow.
I'll e-mail you the address.
367
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,881
Beware Dr. Gravity!
368
00:21:38,048 --> 00:21:41,009
You had to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.
369
00:21:41,093 --> 00:21:42,552
I couldn't wait
to meet his friends.
370
00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:51,770
Hands in the air,
Spring Roll.
371
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:55,107
Empty the register and
don't do anything stupid.
372
00:21:55,232 --> 00:21:58,485
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?
373
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:00,737
We don't have them. Too expensive.
Seriously?
374
00:22:00,862 --> 00:22:03,490
What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
You want to be filmed?
375
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,158
Shut up and just
get on the ground!
376
00:22:05,283 --> 00:22:08,704
And you'd better tell people
The Motherfucker was here.
377
00:22:08,829 --> 00:22:10,080
What's wrong with you, boy?
378
00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:11,498
Get on the floor,
too, Gandalf,
379
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:13,625
or I will bust
a cap in your ass.
380
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,043
You're gonna bust
your own face
381
00:22:15,127 --> 00:22:16,878
when that gun kicks if you
don't hold it properly.
382
00:22:16,962 --> 00:22:18,922
Just get on the ground!
383
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,261
God, will you hurry up!
384
00:22:24,761 --> 00:22:26,346
I told you.
385
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,529
Go! Go, go, go!
386
00:22:42,654 --> 00:22:44,114
Start the car! Go, go!
387
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,950
It was amazing!
388
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:51,371
I feel so alive. I know who I am.
I know why I'm here.
389
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,707
I'm gonna fuck
this world up!
390
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:56,126
They will know The
Motherfucker's name!
391
00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:59,379
You've gotta find me some bad-ass
MMA types to train me, okay?
392
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,631
Like a Chuck Liddell
or whoever.
393
00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,216
Fuck, I don't care
how much it costs.
394
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:07,345
I just wanna be able to kill
Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
395
00:23:09,598 --> 00:23:11,308
I gotta tweet about this.
396
00:23:32,037 --> 00:23:34,081
All right.
Are you ready?
397
00:23:34,915 --> 00:23:37,459
Um, I don't know.
Am I?
398
00:23:37,584 --> 00:23:39,294
Yes, you are.
You look great.
399
00:23:39,795 --> 00:23:41,296
And Barbara's daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.
400
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,673
What am I supposed
to talk to them about?
401
00:23:43,757 --> 00:23:46,635
I'd rather be water-boarded
than listen to Justin Bieber.
402
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,595
You're gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be a disaster.
403
00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:50,263
How do you know that?
404
00:23:50,347 --> 00:23:53,016
Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck's sake.
405
00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:55,102
Dollar. Jar.
406
00:24:00,899 --> 00:24:02,609
You're gonna need
a bigger jar.
407
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:09,783
Pretty cool, huh? This is how
the beer gets delivered.
408
00:24:11,201 --> 00:24:14,996
Dude. You got a secret elevator
to your underground headquarters.
409
00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:18,166
Yeah. The guy I told
you about owns this place.
410
00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:20,001
It's like
a real-life bat-cave.
411
00:24:20,085 --> 00:24:21,586
I know, right.
Oh, yeah.
412
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:30,720
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.
413
00:24:33,306 --> 00:24:35,016
Welcome to Justice Forever.
414
00:24:41,022 --> 00:24:43,483
Hi, Detective Williams.
This must be Mindy.
415
00:24:43,608 --> 00:24:44,901
It is. Hi, Brooke.
416
00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:48,238
You girls have fun and I'll pick
you up in the morning, okay?
417
00:24:48,363 --> 00:24:49,614
I'll be the one
with the slit wrists.
418
00:24:49,698 --> 00:24:52,325
No, you're gonna be the one
that gets the awesome manicure.
419
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,786
I am?
Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
420
00:24:56,413 --> 00:24:57,372
Sat "hey"
to Mindy, ladies.
421
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:58,498
Hey.
422
00:24:58,623 --> 00:24:59,624
I know you.
423
00:24:59,708 --> 00:25:02,335
You're that freshman who took a ride
on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
424
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,628
I did not ride his...
425
00:25:03,712 --> 00:25:05,630
If you just blew him, you're
totes a virgin, right?
426
00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:07,174
She didn't blow him,
look at her.
427
00:25:07,257 --> 00:25:09,050
Then what? Rim job?
Hand job? Fingerbang?
428
00:25:09,134 --> 00:25:11,469
Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at
least kissed him, right?
429
00:25:12,888 --> 00:25:13,972
Totes.
430
00:25:14,389 --> 00:25:16,766
You've never kissed
a boy, have you?
431
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,560
Oh, my God,
that is so adorable.
432
00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:19,686
Maybe she's a dyke.
433
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:22,022
Maybe I'll jam
my foot up your snatch.
434
00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:24,274
Oh, she's super bitchy,
I likes.
435
00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:26,318
Then what's
the big deal anyway?
436
00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:28,778
What could be so great about gagging
on some douche-bag's tongue?
437
00:25:28,904 --> 00:25:30,614
It's pretty fucking great.
438
00:25:30,739 --> 00:25:33,742
You know how you feel when you
watch that video by Union J?
439
00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:36,369
Holy shit,
you don't know?
440
00:25:36,453 --> 00:25:38,622
This will change your life.
441
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:42,584
Don't ever say you're
lonely Just lay your problems on me
442
00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:45,378
And I'll be waiting
there for you
443
00:25:45,962 --> 00:25:49,049
You guys love this shit more than
fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
444
00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:50,550
Who's Stan Lee?
445
00:25:50,634 --> 00:25:54,054
I'll carry
you I'll carry you
446
00:25:54,429 --> 00:25:56,181
I'll carry you
447
00:25:57,057 --> 00:26:00,101
So you know that
I'll carry you
448
00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:02,229
I'll carry you
449
00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:04,481
I'll carry you
450
00:26:06,691 --> 00:26:09,110
Like you've been
running for hours
451
00:26:09,194 --> 00:26:10,820
And can't catch your breath
452
00:26:10,904 --> 00:26:14,157
The demons are screaming
so loud in your head
453
00:26:14,991 --> 00:26:16,826
You're tired
You're broken
454
00:26:16,910 --> 00:26:18,954
You're cut
and you're bruised
455
00:26:19,037 --> 00:26:20,288
But nothing's too heavy
Just hold on
456
00:26:21,957 --> 00:26:23,375
I'll carry you
457
00:26:23,458 --> 00:26:24,584
What the fuck was that?
458
00:26:24,668 --> 00:26:26,336
I know, right?
I'm soaked.
459
00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:28,421
That? That is
who you are, Mindy.
460
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:30,590
You may not dress
like us or talk like us,
461
00:26:30,674 --> 00:26:33,009
but when it comes to boys,
we're all the same.
462
00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:36,096
Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.
463
00:26:36,179 --> 00:26:39,516
It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.
464
00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:43,270
I, um...
465
00:26:43,979 --> 00:26:45,105
I gotta go.
466
00:26:45,188 --> 00:26:47,607
But we were gonna go and get high
on bath salts at Logan's house.
467
00:26:47,691 --> 00:26:49,150
Mindy, I wanna
give you a chance
468
00:26:49,234 --> 00:26:52,529
that the rest of the girls
in our class would kill for.
469
00:26:52,654 --> 00:26:56,324
Don't you wanna walk out the door
every day in skin-tight clothes
470
00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:59,119
knowing that
everyone worships you?
471
00:26:59,202 --> 00:27:02,455
Don't you wanna sneak out at
night, raise a little hell,
472
00:27:02,539 --> 00:27:04,249
and show the world
what a strong,
473
00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:07,210
independent woman
is capable of?
474
00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:09,504
Don't you wanna belong?
475
00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:13,216
So you know that
I'll carry you
476
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:14,467
Can I wear this
to Logan's?
477
00:27:14,551 --> 00:27:15,593
Yay!
478
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,220
It's gonna be
so much fun.
479
00:27:18,722 --> 00:27:22,392
So we tried the cops
and tried the newspapers,
480
00:27:23,727 --> 00:27:27,439
and even set up a, you know,
a thing on the Internet
481
00:27:27,564 --> 00:27:30,233
for people to
help us find Tommy.
482
00:27:31,151 --> 00:27:32,485
Um...
483
00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:36,406
But we got nothing. We
never saw our son again.
484
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:40,452
I came up with the name
Remembering Tommy,
485
00:27:40,577 --> 00:27:43,747
and, uh, we've been doing this
3 nights a week. So...
486
00:27:44,414 --> 00:27:46,916
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.
487
00:27:47,459 --> 00:27:50,420
That's terrible, guys.
I'm real sorry.
488
00:27:50,545 --> 00:27:54,090
I became Night Bitch after my sister
was murdered and found in a dumpster.
489
00:27:54,257 --> 00:27:55,383
Holy shit.
490
00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:57,135
Doesn't bring her back but,
491
00:27:57,218 --> 00:27:58,970
At least I'm doing
something positive about it.
492
00:27:59,429 --> 00:28:01,389
Insect Man.
Yeah, um...
493
00:28:02,307 --> 00:28:05,101
I've been bullied my whole
life for being gay,
494
00:28:05,226 --> 00:28:08,104
so now I stand up
for the defenseless.
495
00:28:08,271 --> 00:28:10,440
That's why
I don't wear a mask.
496
00:28:10,523 --> 00:28:12,025
Too much like being
back in the closet.
497
00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:14,361
Long as your
heart's in the right place,
498
00:28:14,444 --> 00:28:16,112
we don't care what you
put in your mouth.
499
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:18,323
Fist bump. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
500
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:20,575
Well, I became Battle Guy
501
00:28:20,658 --> 00:28:24,329
after my parents were mugged and
killed coming home from the opera.
502
00:28:24,412 --> 00:28:25,914
Did I tell you guys
that sick bastard
503
00:28:25,997 --> 00:28:27,749
maxed out their credit
cards on porno sites?
504
00:28:27,832 --> 00:28:30,210
I just hope we get the chance to
say hello to this guy someday
505
00:28:30,293 --> 00:28:32,962
so I can personally levitate
his soul from his body.
506
00:28:33,088 --> 00:28:34,714
Oh, my God. Marty?
507
00:28:34,964 --> 00:28:37,509
Yeah, I knew
I recognized your voice.
508
00:28:37,634 --> 00:28:39,803
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
509
00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:42,514
I don't know no Marty.
New guy.
510
00:28:42,639 --> 00:28:45,266
Hey, asshole,
it's me, Dave.
511
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:49,145
Dave? Why are you
dressed like Kick-Ass?
512
00:28:49,312 --> 00:28:51,648
Because I'm Kick-Ass.
513
00:28:51,773 --> 00:28:52,899
You two
know each other?
514
00:28:52,982 --> 00:28:54,526
Yeah, like since we were 5.
515
00:28:55,193 --> 00:28:58,363
What's all this bullshit about
your parents getting killed?
516
00:28:58,488 --> 00:29:00,031
Yeesh, language.
What?
517
00:29:00,156 --> 00:29:02,826
Battle Guy, care to
update your resume?
518
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:05,078
Uh...
519
00:29:05,662 --> 00:29:07,247
I'm trying to figure out
how to explain this
520
00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:10,125
without sounding like
a complete idiot right now.
521
00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:12,419
Yeah, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.
522
00:29:12,502 --> 00:29:13,586
I'm not, either.
523
00:29:14,212 --> 00:29:15,463
Um...
524
00:29:15,547 --> 00:29:17,090
Okay. Well, when I found
you guys online,
525
00:29:17,173 --> 00:29:19,759
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.
526
00:29:19,843 --> 00:29:21,845
I mean, Colonel, you're
ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
527
00:29:22,011 --> 00:29:25,014
Yo. Don't take
the Lord's name in vain.
528
00:29:25,181 --> 00:29:26,724
I'm sorry.
529
00:29:27,350 --> 00:29:29,894
I didn't think you'd
let me join the team
530
00:29:29,978 --> 00:29:32,021
unless I had
a good story, too.
531
00:29:32,856 --> 00:29:36,985
All right, we'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.
532
00:29:37,694 --> 00:29:39,988
Wanna see something cool?
Yeah.
533
00:29:40,864 --> 00:29:42,699
I thought this could
be our meeting room.
534
00:29:43,199 --> 00:29:45,201
Whoa, this is so cool.
535
00:29:45,326 --> 00:29:47,620
Now this little renovation
was totally clandestine,
536
00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:49,873
which means nobody knew about it.
537
00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:54,210
Now, I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.
538
00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:56,045
Together we can make
a real difference.
539
00:29:56,129 --> 00:29:57,213
Whoa!
540
00:29:58,548 --> 00:30:00,008
If you'd consider it,
Kick-Ass,
541
00:30:00,091 --> 00:30:01,885
we'd be honored
to have you join us.
542
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,182
Hell, yeah!
543
00:30:07,849 --> 00:30:09,893
That's what
I like to hear.
544
00:30:10,059 --> 00:30:12,729
Right, time for initiation.
545
00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,189
Turn around
and I'll unzip you.
546
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:16,441
I'm sorry, what?
547
00:30:16,524 --> 00:30:18,485
I'm just joking. Let's get
down to business.
548
00:30:18,568 --> 00:30:20,320
Gotcha.
549
00:30:20,403 --> 00:30:22,489
There you are.
550
00:30:22,572 --> 00:30:25,575
We saved you a seat in the
caf, but you never showed.
551
00:30:25,700 --> 00:30:28,244
Yeah I usually head over to the
Olive Garden to carb load.
552
00:30:29,245 --> 00:30:31,080
I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.
553
00:30:31,164 --> 00:30:32,457
Do we need
a thintervention?
554
00:30:32,582 --> 00:30:35,919
Come on, best way to tighten up
a tummy is varsity dance team.
555
00:30:36,085 --> 00:30:38,296
The sign-up sheet
just went up.
556
00:30:40,757 --> 00:30:43,343
It's still blowing
my mind. Kick-Ass.
557
00:30:43,426 --> 00:30:44,427
It's like finding out
your best friend's
558
00:30:44,511 --> 00:30:45,845
always been Will Smith,
you know?
559
00:30:47,055 --> 00:30:49,599
Hi, guys. What are you
talking about?
560
00:30:49,724 --> 00:30:51,017
Nothing.
561
00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,895
Nothing?
Yeah, Todd, nothing.
562
00:30:55,063 --> 00:30:57,065
All right.
See you around, guys.
563
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,942
Todd, wait.
564
00:30:59,943 --> 00:31:02,779
Ow, watch it.
Watch me end your life.
565
00:31:02,946 --> 00:31:04,155
Come on. Forget it.
566
00:31:04,239 --> 00:31:06,533
Just one of the dickheads that
follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
567
00:31:06,616 --> 00:31:07,575
Who?
568
00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:08,826
The Motherfucker.
He's some guy
569
00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:10,411
claiming to be the world's
first supervillain.
570
00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:12,247
He's got 1,000
followers already.
571
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:13,373
What an asshole.
572
00:31:15,124 --> 00:31:16,626
Get some!
Uh-huh! Yeah!
573
00:31:16,751 --> 00:31:18,586
You got this, Motherfucker!
574
00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:20,296
You really think
he's got a shot?
575
00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,090
I wouldn't take
his money if I didn't.
576
00:31:22,173 --> 00:31:23,841
MMA is like chess.
577
00:31:23,925 --> 00:31:27,178
It's all about the moves. And
your boy really knows his stuff.
578
00:31:29,472 --> 00:31:31,266
Time to die, asshole.
579
00:31:33,977 --> 00:31:36,145
You all right?
I'm cool. Ow!
580
00:31:36,479 --> 00:31:39,440
Good job.
Nice jab, buddy.
581
00:31:39,524 --> 00:31:41,985
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off.
582
00:31:42,777 --> 00:31:44,696
Oh!
Shit!
583
00:31:44,779 --> 00:31:46,155
Oh, you broke my leg!
584
00:31:46,614 --> 00:31:48,408
Come on. Do something.
Let's take a break.
585
00:31:48,491 --> 00:31:49,867
Yeah, yeah, let's
take a break, guys. Come on.
586
00:31:49,951 --> 00:31:51,160
Street rules, bitch!
587
00:31:55,331 --> 00:31:57,333
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
588
00:31:57,834 --> 00:31:59,586
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
589
00:31:59,669 --> 00:32:01,254
You all right, Chris?
You all right, buddy?
590
00:32:01,337 --> 00:32:03,089
Get off me!
I was winning.
591
00:32:03,172 --> 00:32:04,674
No, you were crying.
592
00:32:05,508 --> 00:32:09,220
You know what? Screw this.
My super power
593
00:32:10,221 --> 00:32:12,056
is that I'm rich as shit.
594
00:32:12,140 --> 00:32:13,850
Hey, you wanna
work for me, huh?
595
00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,686
You wanna beat
people up for me?
596
00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:18,646
Sure.
All right!
597
00:32:18,730 --> 00:32:20,440
Let's get you
a mask and a costume,
598
00:32:20,523 --> 00:32:23,818
and we will call you
Black Death.
599
00:32:23,901 --> 00:32:27,196
Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's
just a little bit incredibly racist?
600
00:32:27,322 --> 00:32:28,448
I don't give a shit.
601
00:32:28,531 --> 00:32:29,949
I want you
to put the word out
602
00:32:30,033 --> 00:32:31,701
that I'm willing
to pay top dollar
603
00:32:31,784 --> 00:32:32,994
for every hired
hitter in town.
604
00:32:33,077 --> 00:32:34,245
Come on, come on.
Just talk about it first.
605
00:32:34,329 --> 00:32:35,371
Money talks.
606
00:32:35,538 --> 00:32:37,707
You wanted me
to be my own man.
607
00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:39,250
This is
what it looks like.
608
00:32:40,835 --> 00:32:42,712
All right, all right, I'll
make some calls. Yes!
609
00:32:42,837 --> 00:32:45,590
Anybody else wanna
be a supervillain?
610
00:32:45,715 --> 00:32:48,176
Promise I pay better than
Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
611
00:32:48,259 --> 00:32:49,844
What did you call me?
No, no, man.
612
00:32:49,927 --> 00:32:51,929
He took a hit to the head.
Doesn't know what he's saying.
613
00:32:52,722 --> 00:32:55,725
I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.
614
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:59,604
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.
615
00:32:59,729 --> 00:33:03,399
So, if you're half decent, I'll
make sure she puts you on the team.
616
00:33:03,524 --> 00:33:05,026
At least as an alternate.
617
00:33:05,109 --> 00:33:06,736
You'd do that for me?
618
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,197
Besties stick together.
619
00:33:09,864 --> 00:33:12,408
If Brooke wants a pet,
she should just get a dog.
620
00:33:12,533 --> 00:33:14,744
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.
621
00:33:14,911 --> 00:33:16,913
All right, ladies, have a seat.
Let's get started.
622
00:33:56,285 --> 00:33:57,787
Mindy Macready?
623
00:34:00,957 --> 00:34:05,253
Chill. As long as you don't
fall on your face, you're in.
624
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:06,921
Go.
625
00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:22,019
4 attackers.
626
00:34:23,855 --> 00:34:25,606
No escape.
627
00:35:18,409 --> 00:35:20,119
Oh, my God. You
could totally make captain.
628
00:35:20,203 --> 00:35:22,038
That was so much
better than Brooke's.
629
00:35:22,121 --> 00:35:23,498
Oh, my God.
630
00:35:23,581 --> 00:35:25,458
Brooke doesn't stand a
chance for captain after that.
631
00:35:26,417 --> 00:35:28,544
A bunch of people
with made-up names
632
00:35:28,628 --> 00:35:30,963
standing around
in homemade costumes,
633
00:35:31,047 --> 00:35:33,800
searching the web
for unsolved crimes.
634
00:35:33,883 --> 00:35:36,552
The comic book heroes
all have billion-dollar bases
635
00:35:36,677 --> 00:35:39,847
and headquarters on the moon,
but this is the real world.
636
00:35:39,972 --> 00:35:42,391
...scales, like a red, white and blue.
It's awesome.
637
00:35:42,517 --> 00:35:44,185
What's that?
Brick.
638
00:35:44,310 --> 00:35:45,353
Right.
639
00:35:47,063 --> 00:35:49,065
What do you think?
I think it does the job.
640
00:35:49,232 --> 00:35:50,650
People should get
what they deserve.
641
00:35:51,234 --> 00:35:53,486
Family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.
642
00:35:54,111 --> 00:35:57,073
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.
643
00:35:57,156 --> 00:35:59,992
And a pervert, pedophile,
644
00:36:01,828 --> 00:36:04,163
deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.
645
00:36:04,539 --> 00:36:05,748
Schwantz!
646
00:36:06,207 --> 00:36:07,416
Ouch.
647
00:36:07,500 --> 00:36:09,043
You don't wanna hit
with your closed fist.
648
00:36:09,126 --> 00:36:11,337
You might break your hand,
then you're defenseless.
649
00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:15,049
You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.
Open palm and pivot.
650
00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:16,217
Grab the back...
651
00:36:16,551 --> 00:36:19,095
I never made
varsity football
652
00:36:19,220 --> 00:36:21,097
or got cast in the school play.
653
00:36:21,180 --> 00:36:23,432
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.
654
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:24,767
Knock out, bitch!
655
00:36:25,268 --> 00:36:29,522
But if I had, I gotta believe it
would've felt a lot like this.
656
00:36:29,814 --> 00:36:32,859
When the cops can no
longer protect and serve,
657
00:36:32,984 --> 00:36:35,653
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv.
658
00:36:35,778 --> 00:36:38,197
We got the strength,
we got the nerve
659
00:36:38,322 --> 00:36:40,825
to give those in need
what they deserve!
660
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:42,952
Justice Forever!
661
00:36:44,495 --> 00:36:46,497
We were in
the ultimate clique.
662
00:36:46,622 --> 00:36:48,708
It didn't matter that
no one else knew.
663
00:36:48,791 --> 00:36:51,711
We knew.
And we felt like rock stars.
664
00:36:52,587 --> 00:36:54,964
Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.
665
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:57,717
Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everything.
666
00:36:58,009 --> 00:37:00,177
No, son, thank you.
667
00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:03,014
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.
668
00:37:03,139 --> 00:37:06,309
Without Kick-Ass,
none of us would be here.
669
00:37:06,559 --> 00:37:09,896
That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.
670
00:37:13,024 --> 00:37:14,025
So...
671
00:37:15,276 --> 00:37:17,403
I'm not really that tired.
672
00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:28,080
Mmm.
673
00:37:28,164 --> 00:37:30,291
Mmm-mmm?
674
00:37:30,917 --> 00:37:31,918
Mmm. Okay.
675
00:37:32,001 --> 00:37:34,003
Let's leave the masks on.
676
00:37:34,462 --> 00:37:36,213
Yeah?
Yeah.
677
00:37:36,297 --> 00:37:37,465
Yeah!
678
00:37:40,676 --> 00:37:42,553
First big
mission's tonight
679
00:37:42,678 --> 00:37:44,347
and it's not
community service.
680
00:37:44,430 --> 00:37:46,891
We're taking on
some real bad guys.
681
00:37:47,016 --> 00:37:48,768
What, can't your
team handle it?
682
00:37:48,893 --> 00:37:50,561
They're not you, Mindy.
683
00:37:50,686 --> 00:37:53,439
Remembering Tommy
owns a dry fruit business.
684
00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:54,857
Night Bitch teaches ballet.
685
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,442
Night Bitch?
686
00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:59,236
What is she? A superhero
or a soft core porno?
687
00:37:59,362 --> 00:38:01,322
Maybe a little bit of both.
688
00:38:01,447 --> 00:38:04,659
Oh, God,
you're plugging her?
689
00:38:04,784 --> 00:38:06,702
I'm gonna vom.
690
00:38:06,827 --> 00:38:08,120
You're like a ninja.
691
00:38:08,204 --> 00:38:11,499
Can't you just sneak out
after Marcus goes to sleep?
692
00:38:12,291 --> 00:38:14,293
You don't get it, Dave.
693
00:38:16,087 --> 00:38:17,463
I made a promise to Marcus.
694
00:38:17,546 --> 00:38:20,299
So break it. You're a
superhero, remember?
695
00:38:20,424 --> 00:38:23,010
Mindy Macready's
just a disguise.
696
00:38:23,386 --> 00:38:26,180
Yeah, well, I don't know what
kind of superhero Night Whore is,
697
00:38:26,305 --> 00:38:29,016
but if you really think
I'd ever break my word,
698
00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:30,685
you obviously have
no idea who I am.
699
00:38:30,810 --> 00:38:33,396
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.
700
00:38:33,562 --> 00:38:35,523
I know Hit Girl
couldn't give a shit
701
00:38:35,606 --> 00:38:37,066
about what high school
girls are into.
702
00:38:37,233 --> 00:38:40,736
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.
703
00:38:40,903 --> 00:38:41,988
Go to hell, Dave.
704
00:38:42,071 --> 00:38:43,990
What? You know I'm right.
705
00:38:45,408 --> 00:38:47,326
Hey! Roid Rage.
706
00:38:47,451 --> 00:38:48,911
Me?
Yeah.
707
00:38:49,078 --> 00:38:50,496
You wanna take me
on a date sometime?
708
00:38:50,579 --> 00:38:52,623
Uh,yeah.
Sure. Um...
709
00:38:53,249 --> 00:38:56,085
My name's, um, Simon.
710
00:38:56,669 --> 00:38:58,671
Great, um, Simon.
711
00:38:59,630 --> 00:39:00,840
It's a date.
712
00:39:01,924 --> 00:39:03,342
Mindy, I'm sorry.
713
00:39:03,426 --> 00:39:04,510
Is there a problem, Min?
714
00:39:04,593 --> 00:39:05,636
Zero.
715
00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:08,639
Good. Because
I don't like problems.
716
00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:12,018
Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?
717
00:39:12,184 --> 00:39:13,185
Mrs. Neipert said
718
00:39:13,269 --> 00:39:15,229
she thought she saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.
719
00:39:15,354 --> 00:39:17,773
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
720
00:39:17,857 --> 00:39:20,026
She tried to teach
her dog Spanish.
721
00:39:21,777 --> 00:39:23,446
Are you on drugs?
722
00:39:23,738 --> 00:39:24,947
Seriously?
723
00:39:25,031 --> 00:39:26,198
I gotta ask.
724
00:39:26,323 --> 00:39:29,660
You're my best bud and
you're growing up so fast.
725
00:39:30,119 --> 00:39:32,538
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?
726
00:39:33,539 --> 00:39:35,166
Yeah, I promise.
727
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,293
Good enough for me, pal.
728
00:39:38,836 --> 00:39:41,505
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.
729
00:39:42,298 --> 00:39:45,801
Justice Forever!
730
00:39:45,885 --> 00:39:48,679
I'm glad you got that out of your system.
731
00:39:50,181 --> 00:39:53,768
Oh, Todd texted me.
Again. What a loser.
732
00:39:54,977 --> 00:39:57,146
Dude, how bad-ass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?
733
00:39:57,229 --> 00:39:59,565
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.
734
00:39:59,648 --> 00:40:01,942
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?
735
00:40:02,026 --> 00:40:03,277
He's a born-again Christian.
736
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:04,612
Shut up.
Yeah.
737
00:40:05,821 --> 00:40:08,365
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.
738
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,496
I guess we're
about to find out.
739
00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:22,338
Hey. Where's the rest
of the team?
740
00:40:22,505 --> 00:40:24,215
Dr. Gravity has the flu,
741
00:40:24,298 --> 00:40:26,550
and Remembering Tommy got
Book of Mormon tickets, so...
742
00:40:26,634 --> 00:40:28,219
That's okay.
743
00:40:28,844 --> 00:40:30,096
5 of us should do.
744
00:40:30,179 --> 00:40:32,765
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?
745
00:40:33,015 --> 00:40:37,603
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.
746
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,688
Boneheads in blue
take a blind eye.
747
00:40:39,855 --> 00:40:41,690
How do you know
he's here tonight?
748
00:40:41,774 --> 00:40:43,984
Because Thursday night
is poker night.
749
00:40:44,110 --> 00:40:46,737
Same five low-lifes
every week.
750
00:40:46,821 --> 00:40:48,447
Man with a habit
ain't hard to find.
751
00:40:48,531 --> 00:40:51,283
So what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?
752
00:40:51,408 --> 00:40:52,743
I thought we'd knock.
753
00:40:52,827 --> 00:40:54,078
What?
It's more polite.
754
00:40:54,745 --> 00:40:56,747
Stay frosty, team.
755
00:40:57,289 --> 00:41:00,334
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.
756
00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:03,712
Jehovah's Witness!
757
00:41:17,017 --> 00:41:19,186
I'm sorry, I just
zoned out for a second.
758
00:41:19,311 --> 00:41:22,690
Did you say that we're going
up against 5 gangsters?
759
00:41:22,815 --> 00:41:24,358
And bouncer makes 6.
760
00:41:28,279 --> 00:41:29,446
And 3-quarters.
761
00:41:29,530 --> 00:41:31,657
What the fuck
do you want?
762
00:41:31,782 --> 00:41:34,952
Good evening, young man. We'd
like a word with Jimmy Kim.
763
00:41:35,077 --> 00:41:36,412
If it's not too inconvenient.
764
00:41:39,165 --> 00:41:43,669
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.
765
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:45,921
I'm sorry.
766
00:41:46,839 --> 00:41:48,424
I think we're in trouble.
767
00:41:48,591 --> 00:41:50,801
I just don't understand
why people feel the need
768
00:41:50,926 --> 00:41:52,803
to use that kind of language.
769
00:41:57,808 --> 00:41:59,018
Whoa!
770
00:41:59,101 --> 00:42:00,436
There he goes.
771
00:42:03,147 --> 00:42:05,065
Oh, sweet Jesus.
772
00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:09,570
Battle Guy, what did I tell you about
taking the Lord's name in vain?
773
00:42:09,653 --> 00:42:10,779
Sorry, sir.
774
00:42:10,905 --> 00:42:13,282
Eisenhower, at the ready.
775
00:42:13,449 --> 00:42:14,950
Insect Man, I want
you right behind me.
776
00:42:15,034 --> 00:42:17,453
Everybody else spread out,
catch the strays.
777
00:42:17,703 --> 00:42:18,787
Oh.
778
00:42:18,871 --> 00:42:22,958
And try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?
779
00:42:24,460 --> 00:42:26,962
Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?
780
00:42:34,136 --> 00:42:35,596
Where are you going?
781
00:42:42,228 --> 00:42:43,562
Very nice.
Behind you!
782
00:42:46,899 --> 00:42:48,400
Watch the birdie.
783
00:42:49,652 --> 00:42:51,153
Whoo!
784
00:42:57,660 --> 00:42:58,786
Don't you move.
785
00:42:58,869 --> 00:42:59,912
Night Bitch!
Behind you!
786
00:43:05,084 --> 00:43:06,085
Wait.
787
00:43:07,628 --> 00:43:09,004
Look out!
788
00:43:16,595 --> 00:43:18,847
Okay, I got his right arm.
789
00:43:25,521 --> 00:43:27,106
You know, you shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.
790
00:43:27,189 --> 00:43:29,692
It's very rude.
Come on.
791
00:43:31,277 --> 00:43:32,528
Who the hell are you?
792
00:43:34,196 --> 00:43:35,406
We're the good guys.
793
00:43:35,489 --> 00:43:38,284
Oh, no, you're
the fucking dead guys.
794
00:43:40,869 --> 00:43:42,663
Eisenhower! Schwantz!
795
00:43:48,002 --> 00:43:49,753
Oh!
796
00:43:51,130 --> 00:43:52,131
Ow!
797
00:43:52,214 --> 00:43:53,215
Where are the girls?
798
00:43:53,299 --> 00:43:55,676
Come on, man.
I've got a heart problem.
799
00:43:55,759 --> 00:43:56,844
Oh, yeah?
800
00:43:57,678 --> 00:43:58,679
No.
801
00:43:58,762 --> 00:44:00,431
Do you want me
to solve that for you?
802
00:44:00,514 --> 00:44:02,433
Whoa, whoa!
803
00:44:02,725 --> 00:44:05,894
Okay. The girls are
upstairs in the apartments.
804
00:44:06,020 --> 00:44:10,232
My little brother, he's on the till.
He's just a college kid.
805
00:44:10,399 --> 00:44:12,109
Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
On it.
806
00:44:12,234 --> 00:44:15,237
Ralph D'Amico is
gonna end you for this.
807
00:44:15,362 --> 00:44:16,739
Ow! It hurts!
808
00:44:16,864 --> 00:44:20,075
Yeah,
there's a dog on your balls.
809
00:44:22,202 --> 00:44:24,955
You want money? There's
50 grand on the table.
810
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:27,916
Please just make him stop! Please!
811
00:44:28,125 --> 00:44:31,253
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?
812
00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:33,547
We're not here
to steal from you.
813
00:44:34,089 --> 00:44:38,677
We're here to send a message to
all the other bottom-dwellers.
814
00:44:39,678 --> 00:44:41,930
We're shutting you down.
Come on.
815
00:44:42,014 --> 00:44:44,767
There's a van waiting outside
from a battered women's shelter.
816
00:44:44,850 --> 00:44:47,186
It'll take you
some place safe.
817
00:44:47,269 --> 00:44:49,313
Go. Go.
We really can't leave.
818
00:44:49,438 --> 00:44:51,190
We have no money.
819
00:44:52,107 --> 00:44:54,109
Battle Guy, how much
they have on the table?
820
00:44:54,276 --> 00:44:56,153
Oh, it's like 50 grand.
821
00:44:56,278 --> 00:44:58,030
You got plenty now.
822
00:44:58,155 --> 00:44:59,615
Thank you.
823
00:45:10,334 --> 00:45:11,960
Good job, guys.
824
00:45:12,044 --> 00:45:14,546
Very tidy. Very tidy-
825
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:17,633
I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.
826
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:19,385
Were you really
gonna shoot him?
827
00:45:19,468 --> 00:45:21,387
Let you in on
a little secret.
828
00:45:22,971 --> 00:45:25,641
Empty.
Don't tell the bad guys.
829
00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:29,895
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.
830
00:45:30,020 --> 00:45:32,231
Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
831
00:45:32,439 --> 00:45:34,733
"There's a dog on my balls."
832
00:45:37,778 --> 00:45:38,862
God damn it.
833
00:45:39,321 --> 00:45:41,323
Javier!
What happened?
834
00:45:41,407 --> 00:45:43,951
Some douche just posted a link
to a story about a whorehouse,
835
00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:46,036
says that Kick-Ass'
team took them out.
836
00:45:46,120 --> 00:45:47,830
What the hell?
Where's my crew?
837
00:45:47,955 --> 00:45:49,123
Chris, everybody's just...
838
00:45:50,916 --> 00:45:53,794
Uh, can you ladies
excuse us for a second?
839
00:45:53,919 --> 00:45:55,129
Uh, no,
they're my sidekicks.
840
00:45:55,212 --> 00:45:56,588
They can listen to
what we have to say.
841
00:45:56,713 --> 00:45:57,714
They're not
your sidekicks, Chris.
842
00:45:57,798 --> 00:46:00,050
They're prostitutes
and witnesses, come on.
843
00:46:00,175 --> 00:46:02,010
All right.
Sorry, no offense.
844
00:46:02,678 --> 00:46:05,848
Everybody's just too afraid of
your Uncle Ralph to take the job.
845
00:46:05,931 --> 00:46:06,974
But he's in prison.
846
00:46:07,057 --> 00:46:09,143
Doesn't matter.
He runs the family now.
847
00:46:09,268 --> 00:46:11,520
And he wants
everybody to lay low.
848
00:46:11,645 --> 00:46:12,938
But, fortunately for you,
849
00:46:13,021 --> 00:46:15,524
Big Tony doesn't know how
to lay low, so he's in.
850
00:46:15,649 --> 00:46:17,985
I don't remember a Big Tony.
Is he huge? He's ironic.
851
00:46:18,944 --> 00:46:21,613
5 foot 4,
but mean as shit.
852
00:46:26,034 --> 00:46:28,704
He's got such a hard-on
for killing people.
853
00:46:29,246 --> 00:46:32,332
He's little and he kills.
Right.
854
00:46:32,958 --> 00:46:34,376
Call him "The Tumor."
855
00:46:34,585 --> 00:46:35,586
Who's next?
856
00:46:35,669 --> 00:46:38,797
All right, we've got, uh, an
ex-Triad member looking for work.
857
00:46:38,881 --> 00:46:40,841
Easy, "Genghis Carnage."
Come on.
858
00:46:42,134 --> 00:46:44,553
You gotta quit with the
racist stereotypes, Chris.
859
00:46:44,636 --> 00:46:46,638
Archetypes.
Keep going.
860
00:46:46,763 --> 00:46:48,765
We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.
861
00:46:48,849 --> 00:46:49,975
Wait, wait. A chick?
862
00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:51,101
Yeah.
863
00:46:51,185 --> 00:46:52,603
Seriously,
you hired a chick?
864
00:46:52,769 --> 00:46:57,441
Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in
the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.
865
00:46:57,566 --> 00:47:00,194
Okay. "Mother Russia."
866
00:47:01,236 --> 00:47:03,655
Mother Russia and Motherfucker
both on the same team?
867
00:47:03,739 --> 00:47:04,823
That doesn't work, Chris.
868
00:47:04,907 --> 00:47:06,700
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.
869
00:47:06,783 --> 00:47:09,953
Just get them costumes
and get them ready!
870
00:47:10,412 --> 00:47:11,497
Shit.
871
00:47:11,580 --> 00:47:13,415
Javier, thank you.
872
00:47:14,041 --> 00:47:16,460
I couldn't do this
without you.
873
00:47:17,711 --> 00:47:20,714
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left..
874
00:47:21,215 --> 00:47:23,717
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.
875
00:47:23,842 --> 00:47:27,554
It's kinda like you're the
Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
876
00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,348
Did you just call me
your fucking butler?
877
00:47:29,598 --> 00:47:31,225
Yeah, is that not
a compliment?
878
00:47:32,601 --> 00:47:34,603
Shit. My bad.
879
00:47:38,023 --> 00:47:40,150
There wasn't
much action most nights.
880
00:47:40,234 --> 00:47:43,737
I mean, there was always a
little action with Night Bitch.
881
00:47:46,448 --> 00:47:49,785
The reality of being a
superhero is lots of patrols.
882
00:47:49,952 --> 00:47:53,247
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.
883
00:47:56,375 --> 00:48:00,379
With all our new members, it seemed
kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
884
00:48:02,381 --> 00:48:04,758
Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.
885
00:48:04,883 --> 00:48:07,886
Check it out.
886
00:48:08,887 --> 00:48:12,349
You can't fight crime in that. Your
pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
887
00:48:12,474 --> 00:48:14,017
What the
hell's "frog-eye"?
888
00:48:14,101 --> 00:48:15,727
Male camel toe.
What?
889
00:48:15,811 --> 00:48:20,315
I'm not really sure about these names, either.
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
890
00:48:20,983 --> 00:48:22,693
"Dr. Kick-Ass"?
Yeah.
891
00:48:22,818 --> 00:48:25,821
Yeah, they all
kinda seem derivative.
892
00:48:25,946 --> 00:48:27,239
Let me translate that.
893
00:48:27,322 --> 00:48:29,950
You can't just copy Dave's
name, you knob-gobbler.
894
00:48:30,826 --> 00:48:32,119
Okay. Um...
895
00:48:32,911 --> 00:48:34,037
Uh...
896
00:48:34,121 --> 00:48:36,206
Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
897
00:48:36,456 --> 00:48:37,666
I got it. I got it.
898
00:48:39,501 --> 00:48:41,169
"Ass Kicker."
899
00:48:42,838 --> 00:48:44,131
Seriously?
900
00:48:44,214 --> 00:48:45,465
You're such a dick, Marty.
901
00:48:45,549 --> 00:48:47,092
I know this is why you guys
aren't texting me back,
902
00:48:47,175 --> 00:48:48,260
I'm not an actual idiot.
903
00:48:48,343 --> 00:48:50,512
Well, you could have
fooled me, Ass-Licker.
904
00:48:50,887 --> 00:48:53,890
Yeah, well, screw you guys.
Todd...
905
00:48:53,974 --> 00:48:55,851
No, really.
Fuck you guys.
906
00:48:55,934 --> 00:48:57,185
I'm gonna go find
my own team.
907
00:48:57,311 --> 00:48:58,812
Todd. Wait. Come on.
908
00:49:00,647 --> 00:49:03,650
Todd was right,
we were being dicks.
909
00:49:03,734 --> 00:49:05,110
But the truth is,
the only person
910
00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:08,071
I really wanted on
the team was Mindy,
911
00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:11,700
but she was too busy
trying not to be a superhero.
912
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,036
Okay, Min, he's here.
913
00:49:20,709 --> 00:49:23,378
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?
914
00:49:23,545 --> 00:49:25,464
Like the first time
Big Daddy sent me into
915
00:49:25,547 --> 00:49:28,216
a crack den with nothing
but a penknife.
916
00:49:28,925 --> 00:49:31,094
I've got some butterflies.
917
00:49:32,304 --> 00:49:35,307
You just be yourself
and you let me be nervous.
918
00:49:35,432 --> 00:49:39,061
Don't worry about me. I can
kill a man with his own finger.
919
00:49:39,144 --> 00:49:42,189
A word of advice, I wouldn't
open with that.
920
00:49:46,526 --> 00:49:48,654
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.
921
00:49:48,737 --> 00:49:49,905
Well, uh,
922
00:49:50,322 --> 00:49:53,241
how else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?
923
00:49:53,575 --> 00:49:55,577
Thanks.
You're welcome.
924
00:50:08,799 --> 00:50:10,008
Where are we going?
925
00:50:10,092 --> 00:50:11,259
To a party.
926
00:50:11,385 --> 00:50:14,221
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?
927
00:50:14,304 --> 00:50:17,599
Because that's where keg
parties usually are, right?
928
00:50:31,238 --> 00:50:32,656
Guess we're
the first ones here.
929
00:50:32,781 --> 00:50:35,325
This isn't where you
have a party, moron.
930
00:50:35,409 --> 00:50:36,827
This is where you
dump a dead body.
931
00:50:36,952 --> 00:50:38,495
What's your problem?
932
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:39,746
I'm sorry.
933
00:50:40,956 --> 00:50:43,375
I'll stop being such a bitch.
934
00:50:43,458 --> 00:50:44,751
You actually seem
like a nice guy.
935
00:50:46,962 --> 00:50:48,088
So, um...
936
00:50:49,297 --> 00:50:50,590
You wanna hook up?
937
00:50:50,674 --> 00:50:51,883
And a total idiot.
938
00:50:54,761 --> 00:50:56,888
Simon, get back
in the car.
939
00:50:57,389 --> 00:50:58,724
Now!
940
00:51:08,275 --> 00:51:10,110
Yay, you made it.
941
00:51:10,277 --> 00:51:11,737
Brooke?
942
00:51:12,279 --> 00:51:15,240
This is to celebrate you.
943
00:51:15,991 --> 00:51:17,409
Celebrate?
944
00:51:17,492 --> 00:51:19,494
What a total loser you are.
945
00:51:20,245 --> 00:51:22,748
And we ditch losers.
946
00:51:23,790 --> 00:51:26,877
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?
947
00:51:27,335 --> 00:51:29,838
The cool kids saw
something special in you
948
00:51:29,921 --> 00:51:32,382
and invited you
to your first party
949
00:51:32,799 --> 00:51:34,426
where you'd sip
your first beer
950
00:51:34,509 --> 00:51:37,471
and finally suck face
for the first time?
951
00:51:37,971 --> 00:51:41,016
Newsflash,
you're not special.
952
00:51:43,643 --> 00:51:47,105
Fuck with the queen bee
and you're gonna get stung.
953
00:51:49,191 --> 00:51:50,859
Date ditch.
954
00:51:51,818 --> 00:51:52,986
Party at my house!
955
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:54,154
Pathetic.
956
00:51:54,237 --> 00:51:56,573
Simon,
you can drive us.
957
00:52:42,994 --> 00:52:44,204
Dave?
958
00:52:45,622 --> 00:52:49,835
Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy shit.
What are you doing?
959
00:52:50,585 --> 00:52:54,256
Just needed to see
my Robin, I guess.
960
00:52:57,300 --> 00:52:59,094
Are you okay?
961
00:52:59,761 --> 00:53:01,513
Hey, hey, hey-
962
00:53:05,934 --> 00:53:08,019
I don't know what to do.
963
00:53:08,270 --> 00:53:10,272
Those girls, they're...
964
00:53:11,314 --> 00:53:12,983
They're evil.
965
00:53:13,441 --> 00:53:15,819
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit?
966
00:53:15,902 --> 00:53:19,406
You should be out there in the real
world making it a better place.
967
00:53:20,448 --> 00:53:21,700
Dave, I can't.
968
00:53:21,783 --> 00:53:23,535
I know,
you promised your dad.
969
00:53:26,288 --> 00:53:28,164
But he's not here anymore.
970
00:53:28,957 --> 00:53:31,793
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
971
00:53:33,295 --> 00:53:36,089
How am I supposed
to face them tomorrow?
972
00:53:37,632 --> 00:53:38,675
I'm so embarrassed.
973
00:53:38,758 --> 00:53:39,759
Why?
974
00:53:39,843 --> 00:53:44,306
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're funny.
975
00:53:46,808 --> 00:53:50,437
You're the strongest person I've ever met.
You can do anything.
976
00:53:50,729 --> 00:53:52,647
And you're Hit Girl.
977
00:53:52,939 --> 00:53:56,234
Doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or makeup,
978
00:53:56,318 --> 00:53:57,777
it's who you really are.
979
00:53:59,613 --> 00:54:02,282
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?
980
00:54:02,365 --> 00:54:03,867
No! Definitely not.
981
00:54:03,950 --> 00:54:05,410
I'm fucking with you.
982
00:54:08,663 --> 00:54:10,749
Just beat them
at their own game.
983
00:54:11,958 --> 00:54:13,960
By being yourself.
984
00:54:22,010 --> 00:54:24,846
Well, if you
really wanna be popular,
985
00:54:25,013 --> 00:54:29,017
consider two little words,
"sex," "tape"
986
00:54:45,700 --> 00:54:48,328
Lois, you don't
need these ax wounds.
987
00:54:48,411 --> 00:54:50,914
If I can dress
like them, so can you.
988
00:54:51,706 --> 00:54:55,251
It's a gift from some drug
dealer who went missing.
989
00:54:56,419 --> 00:54:58,380
Just because
you dress like us,
990
00:54:58,546 --> 00:55:00,465
doesn't mean you
can be like one of us.
991
00:55:00,799 --> 00:55:04,052
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine,
992
00:55:04,177 --> 00:55:07,013
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.
993
00:55:07,138 --> 00:55:09,099
Okay,
Captain Muffin-Muncher,
994
00:55:09,182 --> 00:55:10,809
have fun playing
make-believe.
995
00:55:10,892 --> 00:55:11,935
This?
996
00:55:12,018 --> 00:55:13,645
This is all make-believe,
Brooke.
997
00:55:13,728 --> 00:55:16,231
The reality is
you're an evil bitch
998
00:55:16,356 --> 00:55:18,733
who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.
999
00:55:19,651 --> 00:55:22,946
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.
1000
00:55:23,071 --> 00:55:26,157
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy
1001
00:55:26,241 --> 00:55:27,409
and I make adorable babies
1002
00:55:27,492 --> 00:55:30,954
For my nanny to take care
of while we vacay in Paris.
1003
00:55:31,079 --> 00:55:34,833
My life is gonna rock
and yours is gonna suck.
1004
00:55:34,958 --> 00:55:37,127
And no matter
how slutty you dress,
1005
00:55:37,252 --> 00:55:40,755
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss
that hole you call a mouth.
1006
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:44,217
So why don't you spare us all the
whining and slit your wrists now?
1007
00:55:44,342 --> 00:55:46,011
'Cause the only thing
that's gonna ruin my day
1008
00:55:46,094 --> 00:55:48,888
is looking at your face
one more second.
1009
00:55:49,180 --> 00:55:51,099
Told her.
Damn.
1010
00:55:52,767 --> 00:55:55,020
What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?
1011
00:55:55,228 --> 00:55:58,440
Gonna call for help
with a come-back? Hmm.
1012
00:55:58,523 --> 00:56:02,736
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
1013
00:56:02,861 --> 00:56:05,864
You see, it was designed for crowd
control, but deemed too severe.
1014
00:56:05,989 --> 00:56:09,993
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
1015
00:56:10,326 --> 00:56:12,620
He called it
"the sick stick."
1016
00:56:12,746 --> 00:56:14,581
Either your daddy
got ripped off,
1017
00:56:14,664 --> 00:56:16,958
or you're back in make-believe
land, sweetheart,
1018
00:56:17,542 --> 00:56:19,627
because we feel fabulous.
1019
00:56:19,794 --> 00:56:21,296
Not for long.
1020
00:56:29,971 --> 00:56:32,015
Oh, my God!
1021
00:56:33,308 --> 00:56:36,144
You get away from me.
Please, you win.
1022
00:56:36,227 --> 00:56:38,813
I don't wanna win. I just want to
make the world a better place.
1023
00:56:55,330 --> 00:56:56,498
Dad?
1024
00:56:56,664 --> 00:56:59,250
You home? Dad?
1025
00:57:02,337 --> 00:57:03,421
Is this what
you've been up to
1026
00:57:03,505 --> 00:57:05,715
while I'm outworking nights
saving for your college?
1027
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:08,134
You've been dressing up
and fighting people?
1028
00:57:08,218 --> 00:57:11,054
There is blood on
these stick things.
1029
00:57:12,013 --> 00:57:13,723
What are you doing
in my room?
1030
00:57:13,807 --> 00:57:15,683
I was looking for drugs.
1031
00:57:15,767 --> 00:57:16,810
I was worried about you.
1032
00:57:16,893 --> 00:57:18,061
Okay, good.
Now you can stop.
1033
00:57:18,144 --> 00:57:19,979
No. Now I'm even
more worried.
1034
00:57:20,063 --> 00:57:22,107
Jesus,Dave,
drugs would have been better.
1035
00:57:22,190 --> 00:57:23,858
This is deranged.
1036
00:57:23,942 --> 00:57:25,860
Whoa. Some people
do a lot worse.
1037
00:57:26,027 --> 00:57:27,779
Oh, the people you hang out with?
No.
1038
00:57:27,862 --> 00:57:30,115
The people I hang out
with are superheroes.
1039
00:57:30,198 --> 00:57:32,283
There is no
such thing, Dave.
1040
00:57:32,367 --> 00:57:35,203
This is the real world
with real consequences.
1041
00:57:35,286 --> 00:57:36,621
When are you
gonna grow up?
1042
00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:38,373
If it means
turning into you, never.
1043
00:57:38,540 --> 00:57:40,792
I don't wear the mask because
I'm ashamed of who I am.
1044
00:57:40,875 --> 00:57:42,877
Not like you.
1045
00:57:43,628 --> 00:57:44,879
What's that supposed to mean?
1046
00:57:44,963 --> 00:57:47,298
If you're not at work,
you're here doing crunches.
1047
00:57:47,423 --> 00:57:49,259
Why? So you can
look like someone else?
1048
00:57:49,342 --> 00:57:51,553
Maybe get a few more years
of doing nothing?
1049
00:57:51,636 --> 00:57:53,805
Your life has
no meaning, Dad.
1050
00:57:53,888 --> 00:57:55,557
When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?
1051
00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:56,641
Where the hell
are you going?
1052
00:57:56,724 --> 00:57:59,811
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's
what you do when you grow up.
1053
00:58:07,652 --> 00:58:09,904
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?
1054
00:58:09,988 --> 00:58:12,699
When your Uncle Ralph
calls, I don't ask questions.
1055
00:58:16,411 --> 00:58:18,121
Just the kid.
1056
00:58:19,414 --> 00:58:22,417
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.
1057
00:58:27,088 --> 00:58:28,798
Hey, how you doing?
1058
00:58:28,882 --> 00:58:30,175
Good, Uncle Ralph.
1059
00:58:30,258 --> 00:58:33,928
Listen, Chrissy, things have been
tough all around since your dad,
1060
00:58:34,012 --> 00:58:35,096
you know.
1061
00:58:35,638 --> 00:58:39,100
Well, I been trying to get the
family back on track from in here.
1062
00:58:39,267 --> 00:58:40,977
They record
these things.
1063
00:58:41,060 --> 00:58:42,437
I know, it's fine.
1064
00:58:42,604 --> 00:58:45,190
The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me.
1065
00:58:45,315 --> 00:58:46,733
It's okay to
have a bit of fun,
1066
00:58:46,816 --> 00:58:48,943
but you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.
1067
00:58:49,152 --> 00:58:51,029
Javier should
have told you.
1068
00:58:51,112 --> 00:58:52,530
No, it doesn't matter.
1069
00:58:52,655 --> 00:58:56,618
Uncle Ralph, l am gonna make
Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
1070
00:58:56,701 --> 00:58:59,662
Chrissy, you need
to forget that punk.
1071
00:58:59,746 --> 00:59:01,623
It's more important
that you stay out of this.
1072
00:59:01,998 --> 00:59:04,959
You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, uh...
1073
00:59:05,960 --> 00:59:07,128
Special.
1074
00:59:11,174 --> 00:59:14,177
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.
1075
00:59:14,802 --> 00:59:17,138
I know who I am now.
1076
00:59:17,222 --> 00:59:18,306
Oh, yeah?
1077
00:59:19,098 --> 00:59:20,725
And who's that?
1078
00:59:20,808 --> 00:59:22,185
The Motherfucker.
1079
00:59:27,607 --> 00:59:30,109
You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?
1080
00:59:31,819 --> 00:59:35,031
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.
1081
00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:45,959
Hello?
1082
00:59:46,960 --> 00:59:48,544
Javier, what's going on?
1083
00:59:48,670 --> 00:59:50,255
Chris, what's up?
1084
00:59:50,338 --> 00:59:51,839
What are you doing
on Lou's phone, huh?
1085
00:59:52,006 --> 00:59:53,800
Drop yours in
the toilet again?
1086
00:59:53,883 --> 00:59:55,093
Everything okay?
1087
01:00:19,409 --> 01:00:22,412
Thank you for that.
I needed it.
1088
01:00:23,997 --> 01:00:25,290
For what comes next.
1089
01:00:25,373 --> 01:00:26,833
Don't be stupid, Chris.
1090
01:00:26,916 --> 01:00:30,128
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.
1091
01:00:30,211 --> 01:00:33,756
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.
1092
01:00:41,055 --> 01:00:42,640
Voila!
1093
01:00:42,724 --> 01:00:48,563
Presto and elegant, damn. Them
boys designed a very tasty logo.
1094
01:00:52,984 --> 01:00:55,778
What's the matter, girl?
You hear something?
1095
01:00:56,821 --> 01:00:58,740
Come on, let's go see.
Come on!
1096
01:01:04,912 --> 01:01:06,664
Anybody out here?
1097
01:01:08,333 --> 01:01:09,917
I don't see anything.
1098
01:01:11,711 --> 01:01:14,839
Gonna have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.
1099
01:01:19,635 --> 01:01:21,471
I wonder what's
bothering you.
1100
01:01:21,888 --> 01:01:24,932
I know. Tonight you die.
1101
01:01:26,768 --> 01:01:28,144
Ladies first.
1102
01:01:28,227 --> 01:01:29,979
You will not shoot me.
1103
01:01:30,146 --> 01:01:34,817
You are superhero. You help people.
You do not hurt them.
1104
01:01:35,276 --> 01:01:37,695
That's supervillain
territory.
1105
01:01:37,779 --> 01:01:39,197
Or as I like to
call my little gang,
1106
01:01:39,322 --> 01:01:40,698
the Toxic Mega-Cunts.
1107
01:01:40,782 --> 01:01:42,116
Hi.
1108
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:50,541
Yeah, like your head.
1109
01:02:01,636 --> 01:02:02,762
Yay!
1110
01:02:03,346 --> 01:02:04,472
Ooh, it's gotta hurt!
1111
01:02:17,985 --> 01:02:20,488
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.
1112
01:02:20,905 --> 01:02:23,491
You used to be
Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
1113
01:02:23,574 --> 01:02:27,495
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the
day, before you got "born again."
1114
01:02:27,703 --> 01:02:30,915
I used to hang with
a lot of losers.
1115
01:02:32,542 --> 01:02:36,546
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?
1116
01:02:38,005 --> 01:02:40,091
Who are you supposed to be?
1117
01:02:40,174 --> 01:02:42,009
I'm The Motherfucker!
1118
01:02:42,135 --> 01:02:45,513
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass.
Not just kill him.
1119
01:02:45,638 --> 01:02:49,183
I am gonna shit on
everything that he loves.
1120
01:02:49,267 --> 01:02:52,145
Let's trash
this place, guys.
1121
01:02:59,652 --> 01:03:01,362
"Miranda Swedlow"?
1122
01:03:02,572 --> 01:03:05,992
Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?
1123
01:03:19,964 --> 01:03:23,634
Night Bitch all
snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
1124
01:03:23,718 --> 01:03:26,179
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.
1125
01:03:28,222 --> 01:03:30,141
Want me to kill his dog?
1126
01:03:30,224 --> 01:03:33,352
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.
1127
01:03:35,188 --> 01:03:37,190
Cut the old man's head off.
1128
01:03:37,315 --> 01:03:39,484
You guys hungry?
I'm starving. Come on.
1129
01:03:39,567 --> 01:03:41,694
Pizza, can we get pizza?
1130
01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:42,778
We're getting pizza.
1131
01:03:42,862 --> 01:03:45,656
Don't worry,
I kill you first.
1132
01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:51,037
Justice For...
1133
01:03:51,662 --> 01:03:52,663
...ever.
1134
01:03:52,747 --> 01:03:55,750
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.
1135
01:03:56,083 --> 01:03:57,835
According to Twitter,
a man claiming to be
1136
01:03:57,919 --> 01:03:59,879
the world's
first supervillain...
1137
01:03:59,962 --> 01:04:02,757
I told you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?
1138
01:04:03,508 --> 01:04:05,510
Marcus, I know
I made you a promise,
1139
01:04:05,635 --> 01:04:06,969
but I can't keep
being someone I'm not.
1140
01:04:07,053 --> 01:04:08,888
When I see evil,
I have to stop it.
1141
01:04:09,013 --> 01:04:12,225
Mindy, what you did to those girls
at school was unacceptable.
1142
01:04:12,350 --> 01:04:14,310
You could have really hurt them.
You're right, I could have,
1143
01:04:14,435 --> 01:04:16,270
but instead I sent them home
with tummy-aches.
1144
01:04:16,354 --> 01:04:17,939
Boo-fucking-hoo.
1145
01:04:18,022 --> 01:04:21,150
I don't get it. This obsession that
you have with revenge is not healthy.
1146
01:04:21,275 --> 01:04:23,110
If you don't let me
and the police do our jobs,
1147
01:04:23,194 --> 01:04:25,029
there is gonna be nothing
that I can do for you.
1148
01:04:25,112 --> 01:04:26,614
You're never gonna
have a normal life
1149
01:04:26,697 --> 01:04:28,157
and you'll probably
end up like your father.
1150
01:04:28,241 --> 01:04:29,951
Marcus, they cut
a guy's head off.
1151
01:04:30,034 --> 01:04:31,953
Who else is going
to stop them?
1152
01:04:32,078 --> 01:04:34,121
Kick-Ass? You?
1153
01:04:34,664 --> 01:04:37,333
You go to your room
and do your homework.
1154
01:04:46,926 --> 01:04:48,094
Now!
1155
01:04:52,265 --> 01:04:55,685
Hey, guys, we're signing a
sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
1156
01:04:55,810 --> 01:04:59,689
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?
1157
01:05:01,315 --> 01:05:03,401
Did you guys see The
Motherfucker's Twitter page?
1158
01:05:03,526 --> 01:05:05,611
Who is this guy? And what's
his problem with us?
1159
01:05:05,736 --> 01:05:08,364
I don't know man, but he has got
some elephant-sized balls.
1160
01:05:08,489 --> 01:05:11,075
He's been bragging on the web about
what they did to the Colonel.
1161
01:05:11,200 --> 01:05:12,577
Can that be traced?
1162
01:05:12,660 --> 01:05:15,413
I tried.
His IP address is masked.
1163
01:05:15,538 --> 01:05:18,207
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna organize a fight.
1164
01:05:18,332 --> 01:05:20,543
There are a lot of guys online who
said they're in if we need them.
1165
01:05:20,626 --> 01:05:22,712
Are you kidding me?
This isn't West Side Story.
1166
01:05:22,795 --> 01:05:24,672
We didn't join up
to be in a gang.
1167
01:05:24,755 --> 01:05:26,132
We did this so
we could help people.
1168
01:05:26,257 --> 01:05:28,342
Shannon's right. We need
to leave this to the cops.
1169
01:05:28,467 --> 01:05:29,969
We better start
walking in pairs.
1170
01:05:30,052 --> 01:05:33,973
Motherfucker's tweeted that the
Colonel was just the beginning.
1171
01:05:34,056 --> 01:05:35,975
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
1172
01:05:47,320 --> 01:05:49,030
Are you sure
she's on that team?
1173
01:05:49,113 --> 01:05:53,284
Stupid gash posted on her superhero
page that she's dating Kick-Ass.
1174
01:05:53,409 --> 01:05:55,453
So,yeah,
I'm damn sure.
1175
01:05:59,415 --> 01:06:00,750
Hello, Night Bitch!
1176
01:06:00,833 --> 01:06:02,084
Hey.
1177
01:06:03,502 --> 01:06:06,005
Oh, she wants to take
the party upstairs.
1178
01:06:06,130 --> 01:06:08,257
We're gonna have a party.
1179
01:06:08,382 --> 01:06:10,217
She closed the door.
1180
01:06:15,306 --> 01:06:17,600
Don't worry, darling,
I'm not gonna kill you.
1181
01:06:17,725 --> 01:06:20,311
I want you to give a message
to your boyfriend.
1182
01:06:22,271 --> 01:06:23,773
Come on, wriggly.
1183
01:06:23,898 --> 01:06:25,066
Let go!
1184
01:06:25,191 --> 01:06:27,943
You're done banging superheroes, baby.
1185
01:06:28,069 --> 01:06:30,696
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.
1186
01:06:38,412 --> 01:06:39,705
Shit.
1187
01:06:40,373 --> 01:06:41,666
What's wrong?
1188
01:06:44,210 --> 01:06:45,920
What are you doing?
1189
01:06:48,005 --> 01:06:49,131
Come on!
1190
01:06:51,092 --> 01:06:54,428
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood.
1191
01:06:54,553 --> 01:06:56,681
I guess evil dick
feels limp.
1192
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,767
Hurt her. Bad!
1193
01:07:01,727 --> 01:07:03,354
Cops are coming.
1194
01:07:03,437 --> 01:07:06,899
Leave it to Mother Russia. She
makes 10 times what we do.
1195
01:07:07,024 --> 01:07:10,736
50,000 a week.
Plus expenses.
1196
01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:13,614
Hey, watch out!
1197
01:07:22,623 --> 01:07:23,958
Wow!
1198
01:07:35,136 --> 01:07:36,637
Reverse it! Reverse it!
1199
01:07:45,563 --> 01:07:46,897
Don't move! Freeze!
1200
01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,322
50,000.
She's worth it.
1201
01:08:04,665 --> 01:08:05,916
Whoa, whoa!
Why are they backing up?
1202
01:08:06,000 --> 01:08:07,835
Why is there a lawnmower
on the trunk?
1203
01:08:11,589 --> 01:08:12,757
Wow!
1204
01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:21,390
We need back-up,
eight men down.
1205
01:08:22,516 --> 01:08:24,268
I think you mean 10.
1206
01:08:34,612 --> 01:08:37,823
Let's bounce! Put the word out
I'm building an evil army.
1207
01:08:37,907 --> 01:08:40,201
All psychopaths
and ex-cons welcome.
1208
01:08:40,326 --> 01:08:43,537
I don't think you're gonna have a
problem when people hear about this.
1209
01:08:48,375 --> 01:08:50,169
They just disappeared?
1210
01:08:50,544 --> 01:08:51,962
All they have to do is
take off their masks,
1211
01:08:52,046 --> 01:08:54,465
no one's gonna recognize them once
they're back in their street clothes.
1212
01:08:54,548 --> 01:08:56,425
Your attention, please!
1213
01:08:56,550 --> 01:09:00,888
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.
1214
01:09:01,013 --> 01:09:02,473
We got every law
enforcement agency
1215
01:09:02,556 --> 01:09:04,767
in the state working
to hit them at once!
1216
01:09:04,892 --> 01:09:06,644
Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?
1217
01:09:06,727 --> 01:09:07,770
His crew does
community service.
1218
01:09:07,895 --> 01:09:11,023
I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing
a mask is getting detained.
1219
01:09:11,106 --> 01:09:13,526
We're putting an end
to this tonight!
1220
01:09:14,068 --> 01:09:17,571
A lot of people said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.
1221
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:20,449
But you gotta put it
into context.
1222
01:09:21,534 --> 01:09:24,328
The police didn't mind
our real life superhero stuff
1223
01:09:24,411 --> 01:09:25,830
as long as we were
picking up litter
1224
01:09:25,913 --> 01:09:27,623
or helping old ladies
cross the street.
1225
01:09:29,375 --> 01:09:31,877
But suddenly it was serious.
1226
01:09:32,419 --> 01:09:36,257
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.
1227
01:09:36,799 --> 01:09:38,092
Freeze!
1228
01:09:38,384 --> 01:09:42,137
Dad had warned me that the real
world had real consequences.
1229
01:09:42,596 --> 01:09:45,891
As they pulled up, he must have been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.
1230
01:09:47,810 --> 01:09:51,146
Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you done?
1231
01:09:55,109 --> 01:09:56,735
Police, open up.
1232
01:10:01,407 --> 01:10:02,533
Hey.
1233
01:10:02,616 --> 01:10:03,617
Hi.
1234
01:10:03,784 --> 01:10:06,787
Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
1235
01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:10,958
Wow.
1236
01:10:12,126 --> 01:10:13,878
You're actually pretty cute
under that mask.
1237
01:10:15,337 --> 01:10:18,299
I'm so sorry
about what happened.
1238
01:10:18,382 --> 01:10:19,884
Don't be.
1239
01:10:20,843 --> 01:10:22,636
It's my own fault.
1240
01:10:22,803 --> 01:10:25,431
We're gonna find these
assholes and make this right.
1241
01:10:25,514 --> 01:10:27,224
What's the point?
1242
01:10:29,310 --> 01:10:31,061
I mean,
we're really superheroes
1243
01:10:31,145 --> 01:10:32,813
about as much as
we're really dating.
1244
01:10:33,355 --> 01:10:36,025
We don't even know
each other's names.
1245
01:10:36,984 --> 01:10:39,737
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.
1246
01:10:40,571 --> 01:10:43,616
I thought we were trying
to make it a better place.
1247
01:10:44,992 --> 01:10:46,994
Then why is it worse?
1248
01:10:48,871 --> 01:10:50,873
Maybe Night Bitch
was right,
1249
01:10:51,332 --> 01:10:53,334
which means Dad was, too.
1250
01:10:54,335 --> 01:10:57,338
I mean, things had
gotten out of hand.
1251
01:10:57,838 --> 01:11:00,215
Maybe it was time for me to
stop crashing at Marty's
1252
01:11:00,299 --> 01:11:02,176
and start apologizing.
1253
01:11:11,977 --> 01:11:13,062
Dad?
1254
01:11:13,729 --> 01:11:15,522
Whoa, whoa.
That's my dad.
1255
01:11:15,689 --> 01:11:17,149
Your dad's Kick-Ass?
What?
1256
01:11:17,232 --> 01:11:18,859
Yeah, he just
gave himself up.
1257
01:11:20,569 --> 01:11:23,364
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me.
1258
01:11:23,489 --> 01:11:24,740
Dad!
1259
01:11:25,658 --> 01:11:26,700
Dad!
1260
01:11:43,842 --> 01:11:45,427
Mindy?
Dave?
1261
01:11:45,552 --> 01:11:47,096
I need your help.
My dad's been arrested.
1262
01:11:47,179 --> 01:11:49,306
They think he's Kick-Ass.
Can you talk to Marcus?
1263
01:11:49,390 --> 01:11:51,225
I'm grounded.
So?
1264
01:11:51,350 --> 01:11:53,185
So that means
I can't get involved.
1265
01:11:53,268 --> 01:11:54,895
Look. Wait a second.
I wish I could help.
1266
01:11:55,062 --> 01:11:57,314
Mindy!
Are you on the phone?
1267
01:11:57,398 --> 01:11:58,524
Look, I gotta go, okay?
1268
01:11:59,066 --> 01:12:00,275
I'm sorry, Dave.
1269
01:12:00,359 --> 01:12:01,485
Mindy, wait, wait.
1270
01:12:14,081 --> 01:12:15,791
Hey, what the hell
were you thinking?
1271
01:12:15,916 --> 01:12:17,835
Yeah, I could ask you
the same thing.
1272
01:12:17,918 --> 01:12:19,962
I can't believe
you lied to them.
1273
01:12:20,045 --> 01:12:21,672
I wasn't gonna do nothing
while you went to jail.
1274
01:12:21,755 --> 01:12:25,009
I chose this. You should let
me deal with the consequences.
1275
01:12:25,092 --> 01:12:26,552
I thought you
wanted me to grow up.
1276
01:12:26,635 --> 01:12:29,847
Yeah? When you get a kid of your
own one day, you'll understand.
1277
01:12:29,930 --> 01:12:30,931
I'm gonna tell them
the truth.
1278
01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:33,100
No. Hey...
It'll just make things worse.
1279
01:12:33,267 --> 01:12:35,185
Look, l spoke to my attorney.
1280
01:12:35,269 --> 01:12:37,104
He said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.
1281
01:12:37,271 --> 01:12:39,648
No actual crime
was committed.
1282
01:12:41,775 --> 01:12:44,778
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
1283
01:12:45,779 --> 01:12:48,115
Well, the cops are out
there looking for them,
1284
01:12:48,198 --> 01:12:52,036
so the safest place for Kick-Ass
is right here, locked away.
1285
01:12:52,161 --> 01:12:54,496
I don't know how you got
into all this shit, but
1286
01:12:54,580 --> 01:12:58,792
you gotta promise me you will never
dress up in that outfit again.
1287
01:12:59,251 --> 01:13:00,794
Do you hear me?
1288
01:13:08,260 --> 01:13:09,762
I promise.
1289
01:13:18,479 --> 01:13:21,315
This evil lair owns!
1290
01:13:21,482 --> 01:13:23,484
Do people still
say that, "own"?
1291
01:13:23,609 --> 01:13:25,402
Yeah, of course.
1292
01:13:25,486 --> 01:13:27,613
Your shark.
Something's wrong.
1293
01:13:27,738 --> 01:13:29,239
Think you used
the wrong kind of water.
1294
01:13:29,323 --> 01:13:30,491
What the hell, Eyal?
1295
01:13:30,616 --> 01:13:32,910
It's fine, Chris. They're supposed
to lie at the bottom of the tank.
1296
01:13:32,993 --> 01:13:34,787
It's just their way of,
how you say,
1297
01:13:34,870 --> 01:13:36,080
settling into
their environment.
1298
01:13:36,163 --> 01:13:37,998
Don't screw me
on this, okay?
1299
01:13:38,082 --> 01:13:39,249
You said we'd be
ready in 2 days,
1300
01:13:39,333 --> 01:13:40,584
we don't even have
a men's room yet.
1301
01:13:40,667 --> 01:13:41,919
Don't worry.
1302
01:13:42,002 --> 01:13:43,921
What's with
the bags of shit?
1303
01:13:44,004 --> 01:13:45,798
It's fertilizer
for the bombs.
1304
01:13:45,923 --> 01:13:49,259
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.
1305
01:13:49,343 --> 01:13:51,762
It will not work.
You need a chemical kind.
1306
01:13:51,845 --> 01:13:55,182
Do I have to do everything myself?
Just fix it!
1307
01:13:55,349 --> 01:13:59,186
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.
1308
01:13:59,311 --> 01:14:01,772
Mmm, no. No.
Except it's not, okay?
1309
01:14:02,147 --> 01:14:04,858
That sad sack
is not Kick-Ass.
1310
01:14:04,942 --> 01:14:07,361
I've seen Kick-Ass,
he's like my age.
1311
01:14:07,444 --> 01:14:09,363
Guy's old enough
to be his father.
1312
01:14:09,446 --> 01:14:10,864
No shit, right.
1313
01:14:11,532 --> 01:14:13,867
I'm sorry,
who are you?
1314
01:14:14,034 --> 01:14:17,162
I, uh, volunteered for your
evil army, like the others.
1315
01:14:17,287 --> 01:14:20,707
Right. I appreciate that.
Thanks for joining the cause.
1316
01:14:20,874 --> 01:14:24,336
This is the VIP area
for the core group.
1317
01:14:24,461 --> 01:14:27,131
I just thought it was
funny you said that.
1318
01:14:27,214 --> 01:14:28,715
Because he is
Kick-Ass' father.
1319
01:14:28,882 --> 01:14:29,842
Who?
1320
01:14:29,925 --> 01:14:32,010
Mr. Lizewski.
He's Kick-Ass' dad.
1321
01:14:32,803 --> 01:14:35,055
Shut up!
1322
01:14:35,305 --> 01:14:37,975
Yeah. You're not
gonna tell anyone, are you?
1323
01:14:38,058 --> 01:14:39,393
No.
1324
01:14:39,810 --> 01:14:41,979
But you, my friend,
have just earned
1325
01:14:42,062 --> 01:14:44,606
life-time access
to my VIP area.
1326
01:14:44,815 --> 01:14:46,567
Go take a little seat.
1327
01:14:46,650 --> 01:14:47,860
Hey, get the kid
a Frappuccino,
1328
01:14:47,985 --> 01:14:50,571
then put his little
punk ass back to work.
1329
01:14:56,160 --> 01:14:57,369
Okay.
1330
01:14:58,245 --> 01:14:59,580
Come on.
1331
01:15:12,176 --> 01:15:13,677
Can I help you?
1332
01:15:13,760 --> 01:15:16,889
The Motherfucker wants us
to take a picture with you.
1333
01:15:17,681 --> 01:15:19,725
It helps that my dad
is a really good lawyer.
1334
01:15:19,850 --> 01:15:21,435
Because I
don't think my beautiful ass
1335
01:15:21,476 --> 01:15:23,604
would last too long in prison.
1336
01:15:23,979 --> 01:15:27,691
Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.
1337
01:15:27,816 --> 01:15:30,861
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?
1338
01:15:37,576 --> 01:15:39,036
What is it?
1339
01:15:39,453 --> 01:15:40,537
Dude, what's wrong?
1340
01:15:44,333 --> 01:15:46,001
What is it?
1341
01:16:00,849 --> 01:16:03,602
The next few days
passed in a fog.
1342
01:16:05,520 --> 01:16:08,857
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris,
1343
01:16:09,191 --> 01:16:11,193
they couldn't find him.
1344
01:16:12,152 --> 01:16:14,821
The cops did show up
at Dad's funeral,
1345
01:16:15,197 --> 01:16:16,406
not out of respect,
1346
01:16:16,490 --> 01:16:19,701
but because they were scared
something would happen.
1347
01:16:20,410 --> 01:16:22,537
My dad was a decent man.
1348
01:16:22,621 --> 01:16:25,666
All he ever did was try
and give me a good life,
1349
01:16:26,667 --> 01:16:28,961
and I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.
1350
01:16:30,045 --> 01:16:31,838
I love you, pal.
1351
01:16:32,506 --> 01:16:34,716
I love you, too, Dad.
1352
01:16:41,556 --> 01:16:42,975
You guys came.
1353
01:16:43,058 --> 01:16:46,895
We'd love to help you track down
this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but
1354
01:16:47,396 --> 01:16:49,314
we just got out on parole.
1355
01:16:49,398 --> 01:16:50,816
No, that's fine.
1356
01:16:51,400 --> 01:16:53,402
I'm not looking
for revenge.
1357
01:16:53,527 --> 01:16:56,989
Last thing I promised my dad was
that I was gonna give this up.
1358
01:16:57,364 --> 01:16:59,574
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
1359
01:16:59,700 --> 01:17:01,410
But you started this.
1360
01:17:02,286 --> 01:17:03,829
Now I'm ending it.
1361
01:17:13,046 --> 01:17:17,342
Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you
hate me for not helping?
1362
01:17:17,467 --> 01:17:19,469
No, not even
a little bit.
1363
01:17:19,845 --> 01:17:22,764
You were right.
You gave it up.
1364
01:17:23,932 --> 01:17:27,686
If I had, too, my dad
would still be alive.
1365
01:17:29,855 --> 01:17:32,566
The only person
I blame is myself.
1366
01:17:46,288 --> 01:17:47,956
Let's do this!
1367
01:17:50,834 --> 01:17:51,835
Get down!
1368
01:17:56,381 --> 01:17:57,758
Mindy!
1369
01:17:59,968 --> 01:18:01,053
Spread out!
1370
01:18:10,103 --> 01:18:11,229
Keep your head down!
1371
01:18:21,907 --> 01:18:23,033
Come on!
1372
01:18:26,244 --> 01:18:27,371
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1373
01:18:28,872 --> 01:18:30,248
Get him!
1374
01:18:30,832 --> 01:18:32,918
Get that van over here!
1375
01:18:35,295 --> 01:18:36,797
Hurry up!
1376
01:18:39,216 --> 01:18:40,425
Mindy?
1377
01:18:40,550 --> 01:18:41,885
Mindy!
1378
01:18:50,852 --> 01:18:52,145
Mindy?
1379
01:18:58,235 --> 01:19:00,320
You gotta put this on.
1380
01:19:05,242 --> 01:19:06,743
I'm not gonna do it.
1381
01:19:08,620 --> 01:19:11,415
There's nothing left you can
do to hurt me.
1382
01:19:13,959 --> 01:19:15,419
You wanna bet?
1383
01:19:18,463 --> 01:19:19,506
Whoa! Whoa!
1384
01:19:21,133 --> 01:19:23,135
Game on, cocksuckers!
1385
01:19:27,431 --> 01:19:29,141
There's a girl on the roof!
1386
01:19:42,070 --> 01:19:44,072
She's still up there!
1387
01:20:00,464 --> 01:20:02,591
I think I got her!
Go check!
1388
01:20:12,767 --> 01:20:13,894
Get out there!
1389
01:20:30,035 --> 01:20:31,620
Come on!
Move your head.
1390
01:21:00,315 --> 01:21:01,816
Pull over, pubs-face.
1391
01:21:05,695 --> 01:21:08,782
We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?
1392
01:21:08,865 --> 01:21:09,866
Eat a dick.
1393
01:21:09,950 --> 01:21:11,159
You're gonna eat yours
if you don't start talking.
1394
01:21:11,243 --> 01:21:13,453
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.
1395
01:21:13,537 --> 01:21:16,122
There's nothing you can do that
would make me talk.
1396
01:21:16,790 --> 01:21:20,794
Look, hold on. I can't do this right now.
It's my dad's funeral.
1397
01:21:21,378 --> 01:21:23,880
Dave, your father loved you.
1398
01:21:26,132 --> 01:21:30,428
Just like my daddy loved me. And
I know it hurts, but maybe,
1399
01:21:31,096 --> 01:21:34,474
maybe that's the real meaning
of being a superhero.
1400
01:21:34,766 --> 01:21:38,353
Is taking that pain and turning
it into something good.
1401
01:21:39,437 --> 01:21:40,689
Something right.
1402
01:21:41,856 --> 01:21:43,900
Remember what
you told me?
1403
01:21:44,442 --> 01:21:47,612
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
1404
01:21:49,656 --> 01:21:53,076
Now help me find some pliers. I'm
gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
1405
01:21:53,994 --> 01:21:55,203
Seriously?
1406
01:21:58,164 --> 01:21:59,708
Hello?
Marcus?
1407
01:21:59,833 --> 01:22:01,835
Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?
1408
01:22:01,918 --> 01:22:02,919
I'm fine.
1409
01:22:03,044 --> 01:22:05,171
We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.
1410
01:22:05,297 --> 01:22:07,841
He's recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.
1411
01:22:07,966 --> 01:22:09,884
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.
1412
01:22:09,968 --> 01:22:11,052
You promised me.
1413
01:22:11,177 --> 01:22:16,474
I know you see me as this little
girl, but I'm not and I never was.
1414
01:22:17,100 --> 01:22:18,268
You're right.
1415
01:22:18,351 --> 01:22:20,562
Daddy did take
my childhood away,
1416
01:22:20,645 --> 01:22:22,397
but I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.
1417
01:22:22,480 --> 01:22:24,399
Marcus, he gave me a gift,
1418
01:22:24,482 --> 01:22:26,901
a gift that I can't escape
no matter how hard I try.
1419
01:22:27,485 --> 01:22:29,738
And I don't need to spend the
next 4 years of my life
1420
01:22:29,821 --> 01:22:31,197
trying to figure out
who I am
1421
01:22:32,282 --> 01:22:34,284
because I already know.
1422
01:22:37,078 --> 01:22:38,747
I'm Hit Girl.
1423
01:22:43,501 --> 01:22:46,004
I posted the address. Do
you think they'll show?
1424
01:22:47,088 --> 01:22:48,298
Chris has an army.
1425
01:22:48,381 --> 01:22:49,966
These real life
super dweebs
1426
01:22:50,050 --> 01:22:52,385
have been waiting their whole
lives for a call like this.
1427
01:23:02,854 --> 01:23:04,147
Are you okay?
1428
01:23:04,230 --> 01:23:06,274
What? Yeah, no...
I'm fine.
1429
01:23:06,775 --> 01:23:07,859
Here.
1430
01:23:08,276 --> 01:23:09,861
Take this.
1431
01:23:10,195 --> 01:23:12,697
"Last resort"
really isn't my style.
1432
01:23:12,989 --> 01:23:17,494
Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real
people are going to die tonight.
1433
01:23:17,911 --> 01:23:20,121
My daddy was prepared
for anything.
1434
01:23:20,747 --> 01:23:22,082
Are you?
1435
01:23:27,587 --> 01:23:28,797
Yeah.
1436
01:23:30,632 --> 01:23:31,966
I am.
1437
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:42,769
They should
be back by now!
1438
01:23:42,852 --> 01:23:43,853
It's definitely dead.
1439
01:23:43,937 --> 01:23:47,190
Says on the Internet you're supposed
to keep them in fresh water.
1440
01:23:47,273 --> 01:23:50,985
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.
1441
01:23:51,986 --> 01:23:53,947
Why are you
looking at me?
1442
01:23:54,030 --> 01:23:55,782
We gotta
get this shit started.
1443
01:23:56,282 --> 01:24:00,370
Oh, yeah. Have I got
a show for you bitches!
1444
01:24:06,543 --> 01:24:09,045
Motherfucker,
Motherfucker...
1445
01:24:09,504 --> 01:24:11,798
All right,
party people!
1446
01:24:12,215 --> 01:24:14,801
We are gonna
kill Kick-Ass,
1447
01:24:14,926 --> 01:24:18,638
the very first superhero,
together.
1448
01:24:18,763 --> 01:24:23,768
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark
1449
01:24:23,852 --> 01:24:27,105
and post it all over YouTube.
For real!
1450
01:24:29,149 --> 01:24:30,108
He's kidding, right?
1451
01:24:30,191 --> 01:24:31,443
Motherfucker don't kid.
1452
01:24:31,526 --> 01:24:35,155
That's not it. I'm gonna give
each and every one of you
1453
01:24:35,280 --> 01:24:37,824
party favor
fertilizer bombs!
1454
01:24:37,949 --> 01:24:39,492
And we are gonna
get our riot on!
1455
01:24:39,576 --> 01:24:41,494
That's what it
means to be evil.
1456
01:24:41,661 --> 01:24:44,831
We, my friends,
are the real 1%,
1457
01:24:44,998 --> 01:24:48,835
and tonight we are gonna fuck
this city up or my name is not...
1458
01:24:48,918 --> 01:24:50,962
Chris D'Amico!
1459
01:24:52,255 --> 01:24:54,340
That is not my name!
1460
01:24:56,718 --> 01:25:00,430
No, you're right. Your
new name's Little Bitch.
1461
01:25:04,517 --> 01:25:06,269
Oh, this is perfect.
1462
01:25:07,228 --> 01:25:09,856
Are you really
that stupid?
1463
01:25:10,523 --> 01:25:15,236
There's two of you
and a whole army of us.
1464
01:25:16,321 --> 01:25:18,990
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?
1465
01:25:20,408 --> 01:25:21,701
No.
1466
01:25:21,826 --> 01:25:24,287
That's why we
brought our friends.
1467
01:25:55,401 --> 01:25:58,238
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?
1468
01:25:58,696 --> 01:26:02,867
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.
1469
01:26:04,452 --> 01:26:07,747
You're gonna pay for
what you did to my dad.
1470
01:26:08,081 --> 01:26:12,085
Your dad? You blew up
my dad with a bazooka.
1471
01:26:18,633 --> 01:26:19,926
Oh!
1472
01:26:45,368 --> 01:26:48,037
Are you ready to die,
little girl?
1473
01:26:48,246 --> 01:26:52,333
I might be if I have to keep looking
at that shit-stain you call a face.
1474
01:27:02,135 --> 01:27:03,136
Chris!
1475
01:27:59,317 --> 01:28:03,029
Hold him down. I wanna see
what his guts look like.
1476
01:28:07,241 --> 01:28:08,868
That's enough
from you boys!
1477
01:28:12,872 --> 01:28:14,874
Nicely done, sweetheart.
1478
01:28:23,424 --> 01:28:24,634
That all you got?
1479
01:28:24,717 --> 01:28:27,512
No, I got my lethal
zero G device.
1480
01:28:27,595 --> 01:28:28,638
Bullshit.
1481
01:28:30,264 --> 01:28:31,516
No shit.
1482
01:28:47,699 --> 01:28:48,658
Are you okay?
1483
01:28:50,910 --> 01:28:53,579
Yeah. Thanks.
Ass Kicker.
1484
01:28:56,249 --> 01:28:57,375
Nice.
1485
01:30:04,650 --> 01:30:06,819
Jesus, you are
such a pussy.
1486
01:30:06,986 --> 01:30:09,655
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?
1487
01:30:16,496 --> 01:30:18,247
We want to do good.
1488
01:30:18,372 --> 01:30:20,291
No, people want
to win the lottery.
1489
01:30:21,542 --> 01:30:24,587
People want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
1490
01:30:35,056 --> 01:30:38,768
You think you can kill me
with little needle?
1491
01:30:57,453 --> 01:30:59,455
That's not what it's for.
1492
01:31:03,459 --> 01:31:05,044
It's called
adrenaline, bitch.
1493
01:31:07,046 --> 01:31:08,673
What was that,
some cheap shot?
1494
01:31:08,756 --> 01:31:10,383
That was for
the Colonel.
1495
01:31:13,761 --> 01:31:14,762
Ahh!
1496
01:31:17,306 --> 01:31:18,307
That's for Night Bitch.
1497
01:31:26,065 --> 01:31:27,567
And that's for my dad.
1498
01:32:03,936 --> 01:32:05,855
What the hell
are you doing?
1499
01:32:06,272 --> 01:32:07,773
Saving your whiny ass!
1500
01:32:07,857 --> 01:32:08,858
No!
1501
01:32:08,983 --> 01:32:12,445
I won't let you have this.
I'd rather die!
1502
01:32:12,528 --> 01:32:16,616
What is wrong with you, dude? This
is not a comic book, it's real life!
1503
01:32:16,949 --> 01:32:20,286
When you're dead, it's done.
There's no sequel.
1504
01:32:20,453 --> 01:32:25,166
You made this real. You started it!
And I'm gonna finish it.
1505
01:32:25,541 --> 01:32:28,878
I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.
1506
01:32:39,347 --> 01:32:40,348
Wait!
1507
01:32:52,944 --> 01:32:55,238
I'm alive.
1508
01:32:55,363 --> 01:32:56,656
Dave, I'm so sorry.
1509
01:33:05,957 --> 01:33:08,209
The feeling
was indescribable.
1510
01:33:08,668 --> 01:33:10,878
Chris D'Amico, dead.
1511
01:33:12,046 --> 01:33:15,341
His wannabe supervillains,
defeated.
1512
01:33:16,884 --> 01:33:19,720
But did we make
the world a better place?
1513
01:33:20,680 --> 01:33:25,351
Or did we just finish something that
began when I first put on this mask?
1514
01:33:28,187 --> 01:33:30,189
The cops are coming.
1515
01:33:30,856 --> 01:33:32,358
They'll take
care of the bad guys.
1516
01:33:32,441 --> 01:33:35,361
We better skedaddle
before they get here.
1517
01:33:35,987 --> 01:33:36,988
We did it.
1518
01:33:37,071 --> 01:33:38,072
Fuck, yeah.
1519
01:33:38,155 --> 01:33:39,865
Hey, language.
1520
01:33:40,366 --> 01:33:44,870
You're right, if we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.
1521
01:33:45,871 --> 01:33:48,040
He'd be proud
of you, Dave.
1522
01:33:48,708 --> 01:33:50,918
He'd be proud
of all of us.
1523
01:33:52,837 --> 01:33:55,256
You know we can never
do this again, right?
1524
01:33:57,300 --> 01:33:58,634
It's over.
1525
01:34:02,388 --> 01:34:04,390
One last time.
Come on.
1526
01:34:08,311 --> 01:34:11,647
What do you say,
Hit Girl? Are you in?
1527
01:34:13,399 --> 01:34:15,234
Why the hell not?
1528
01:34:17,069 --> 01:34:19,071
Justice Forever!
1529
01:34:30,791 --> 01:34:33,586
Thanks for the ride.
1530
01:34:34,086 --> 01:34:36,130
I'll see you at school.
1531
01:34:37,923 --> 01:34:40,092
I'm leaving
New York, Dave.
1532
01:34:40,718 --> 01:34:44,221
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.
1533
01:34:44,430 --> 01:34:47,433
Why? He won't arrest you.
You just saved the city.
1534
01:34:47,600 --> 01:34:50,603
Yeah, well, I also killed
6 guys with a cop's gun.
1535
01:34:50,728 --> 01:34:53,105
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.
1536
01:34:53,773 --> 01:34:57,401
You can't go.
People need you.
1537
01:34:58,611 --> 01:35:00,363
They've got you now.
Mindy...
1538
01:35:02,990 --> 01:35:04,533
I'm not like you.
1539
01:35:04,658 --> 01:35:08,120
You don't have to be a bad-ass
to be a superhero, Dave.
1540
01:35:10,164 --> 01:35:12,291
You just have to be brave.
1541
01:35:24,261 --> 01:35:25,346
What was that?
1542
01:35:28,557 --> 01:35:30,476
That was my first kiss.
1543
01:35:32,353 --> 01:35:35,815
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.
1544
01:35:42,780 --> 01:35:44,073
When Mindy left,
1545
01:35:44,782 --> 01:35:48,119
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.
1546
01:35:49,161 --> 01:35:51,747
Just like it had to
eventually happen,
1547
01:35:51,831 --> 01:35:54,917
that real people would
try to be superheroes.
1548
01:35:55,543 --> 01:35:58,254
Eventually
it had to end, too.
1549
01:36:14,812 --> 01:36:18,607
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.
1550
01:36:18,732 --> 01:36:22,736
It's because the real
world needs real heroes.
1551
01:36:23,487 --> 01:36:26,740
And not some punk in a
wet-suit playing dress-up,
1552
01:36:27,324 --> 01:36:31,745
but a genuine bad-ass
who can really kick ass.
1553
01:42:18,342 --> 01:42:19,676
Hello?
1554
01:42:20,469 --> 01:42:22,971
Please. Don't go.
1555
01:42:23,806 --> 01:42:25,349
Don't go.
1556
01:42:26,725 --> 01:42:28,477
ls anybody there?
1557
01:42:31,647 --> 01:42:32,981
Hello?
1558
01:42:37,152 --> 01:42:39,571
Some help, please?
1559
01:42:39,738 --> 01:42:43,367
A shark bit my fucking dick off
and I can't get some water?