You know I'll support you, whatever you choose,
even though I seriously don't think you should keep it.
But it is my body.
Oh, totally. Your body, your choice.
One choice is very clear, though.
Don't keep the baby.
Yeah. But it is up to me.
Oh, completely. Yeah. Your choice -
to not have a baby.
I'm hearing you.
But it is my choice.
Totally, yeah. Your body. One clear, obvious choice.
Yep.
My choice.
Get...that...
..out of me!
Would you feel differently if I told you it was twins?
THEY RETCH
SHE GASPS
As we're sure you know, you've had lots of arrears notices,
and you've been late on every single... Look, Clive...
I'm sure I've made the payment. Has it not been credited to the account?
Must be something wrong with the system.
Look, I don't want a fight. I'm just doing my job.
Please hand the keys over. No. Check the account again.
I can check again but it's still the same.
Enjoy this, do you? How do you sleep at night?
Not well, I hope.
Hello!
Right, then, go on.
Take 'em, take...! Just fucking go.
Who was that, then?
MOT service.
That's great. They come and collect?
I didn't know they could do that.
Yeah.
It's absolutely fantastic.
Seb wants to have sex. Can you believe it?
In general, yes.
With you, no. Just say you don't want to.
Just feels a bit confrontational. Yeah, but you're gay.
Nah. Too hard.
This is easier. What, hiding from Seb?
No, hiding from my feelings.
Mum's right - I was playing with fire.
Seb loves me unconditionally.
Plus, he comes with me to everything.
You could get a dog to do that.
Can I sleep in your room tonight?
No. You've made your bed.
Now go get fucked in it.
SEB SOBS
Not tonight. I'm sorry.
HE GROANS
There, there. But sex is supposed to help you bond with your partner.
Well, that's not true.
I've been masturbating for years and I couldn't hate myself more.
But don't you love me?
Yeah, course I do.
And you fancy me?
Absolutely.
Well...
..prove it.
Would you like me to take your clothes off?
No, thank you.
Would you like me to take MY clothes off?
No, thank you.
Right. Well, I'm going to masturbate in the toilet or I won't sleep.
Don't worry. I'll... I'll think about you.
I...
I'm sorry I'm so virile.
I... I really am.
Is... Is there something wrong with me?
Mm. Could be, yeah.
What? Am I...? Am I a sex addict?
Oh, er, yeah. Maybe.
I would like to do it, though, at some point.
But that's what an addict would say.
You're right. It's... It's disgusting.
I'll get therapy, I promise.
Seb wants to get therapy. Can you believe it?
Oh, no. Are you jealous?
No, I'm in danger.
I can't have him working out the one toxic thing in his life is me.
Not just in HIS life, Josie.
Seb is the plaster holding this gaping wound shut.
I cannot afford to have that plaster become sentient.
What am I going to do?
You're going to have to have sex with him.
Maybe I could tell him it's not feminist. He loves that shit.
Wanks his little willy off over it. No, they've changed it.
We're supposed to love it now.
Fuck, seriously?! I can't keep up with this stuff.
You've got two options. Have sex with him,
or dump him, spread your wings and enjoy some time alone.
Maybe I can learn to like it. Do you like it?
No, obviously not.
Nobody does, Josie. We're not meant to enjoy it.
That's not what it's for.
Ask literally any woman. Not one of us actually likes dick.
It's not something you enjoy, it's just something you get through.
Hmm.
Right, OK. Yeah, got it.
Hmm.
Something about this doesn't feel quite right.
It feels like maybe you could be doing this for me.
Seb, please. The patriarchy.
Right, yeah. Sorry.
Sorry, Emmeline Pankhurst.
Look at me. I'm revolting.
I need orgasms. I mean, they're really nice.
I want to keep on having them and that's an addiction,
and I need help.
Or...what if we make a deal?
Like a sex deal?
Yeah, like...
..I give you a hand job on Fridays?
Three hand jobs a week.
Full sex once at the weekend.
No sex.
Two hand jobs a week Mondays and Wednesdays?
OK.
And on special occasions?
Yeah. Deal.
Are you sure you don't want to finish me off?
I don't want to violate the terms of the contract.
Right, yeah.
Looking forward to tomorrow, then.
What? Why?
Oh, for f...
Happy birthday, Josie.
It's a privilege to be here on such a special occasion.
VERY special occasion.
We did wonder what to get you.
What do you get the girl that's got everything?
So we asked the person that knows you best.
You're welcome.
It's from both of us.
Thanks.
Straighteners?
Yeah! Because you broke the last ones, didn't you?
Hmm, no, you broke yours.
Oh, fucking hell. If you don't want it, I'll have it, then!
Ungrateful bitch.
Er, Deb, small problemo.
Run out of juice.
Well, you could just pop out and get some? Oh, don't worry.
No, I'll make do until you go shopping again.
But could you get Tropicana?
I'm sure they water this cheap stuff down.
So, birthday girl! Where are we going for dinner, then?
Are we going out for dinner?
I assumed we would.
That's sort of what you do on your birthday, isn't it?
Of course we are.
Nothing is too good for my girls.
I do treat you well.
I just wish someone would look after me the way I look after them.
Absolutely!
Really?
Yes, of course.
You work so hard. It's the least you deserve.
Oh, I'm a little bit excited.
I think Dev's going to take us to dinner!
Yes!
Remember? Tropicana!
SHE GROANS
SHE COUGHS
Can I have the afternoon off? I'm not feeling very well.
Oh, right. What with?
An abortion.
Billie Johnson?
Why are you here, birthday princess?
The rota says you booked today off.
I'm hiding from my boyfriend.
I'm contractually obligated to give him a hand job.
Hmm. That doesn't feel very consensh.
You can't report societal pressure to the police, Claire.
This is my cross to bear.
But you could break up with him.
No. Not worth it.
I'm confused. I thought you said that you were a lesbian.
We don't know that for sure.
Boys are easier, cos I don't feel anything.
Girls stir up all these weird special feelings.
What? Like love?
No. Like fear.
I feel safe with Seb. I'm not scared of him.
And coming from a loveless background, popping my sexuality
to one side just feels like a small price to pay.
Are you really that afraid of being alone?
Do you ever get home to an empty house after a long day at work,
get your comfy PJs on, make some nice dinner, watch some TV,
and think, "Why don't I just kill myself?"
No.
PHONE CHIMES
How are you feeling?
Yeah, fine.
I just need to not think about babies for a while.
You might need to wear these.
Nappies?
Adult incontinence pants, yeah.
Thanks.
Happy birthday.
Your present is you not being an aunt. Congratulations.
How was it? I mean, it was an abortion.
It wasn't a weekend at Glastonbury. They wheeled me in vagina-first
and five men fiddled with my nunny when I was unconscious.
It's a bit like Glastonbury, then.
Oh, yeah.
Nicky!
Phew! So, I've asked about spice levels.
Should be fine.
Oh, you said it was fancy.
You look just like James Bond!
I've got a licence to kill.
But I won't use it.
What a gentleman.
Josie. No... Thanks, darling.
Hmm. Well, this is all Greek to me.
Because it's a Greek restaurant!
Can everyone know what they're going to order, please?
I don't want any delays when the waiter gets here
because me and Josie have some alone time booked later
that just can't wait. Yeah, but no rush, OK?
It's my birthday and I'd like to enjoy it.
I think I'm going to get the lamb
with a side of "coo-coo".
I always thought that was couscous.
No, it's definitely coo-coo.
You're so fucking clever.
You're clever too, Josie.
In your own way.
Thanks.
Maybe I can make us some of this stuff
when we get our place in Manchester?
Maybe a cheeky little linguini in our flat. Yeah?
What's happening in Manchester?
Nicky's going to be head cocktail-maker at Smirnoff
and open Manchester's first ice bar.
Billie Bar.
We're still thinking about the name. Well, that sounds amazing.
Sounds impractical.
Oooh, what shall I have, Dev?
Perhaps the steak and the lobster?
And maybe a pina colada?
You can get whatever you like!
Hmm...
..what do I want? What DO I want?
There's so much choice. Too much choice, actually. I'm a bit scared.
I think I need more time to assess my options.
Gosh, Josie, you're so thorough!
You know, if you carry on like this, we'll be here till midnight!
Can I hear the specials again?
How slow-cooked is the slow-cooked vegetables?
And the erm, the steak that's well done -
is there anything more than well done?
Fuck's sake, Josie! We know you're going to get chips! Hurry up.
Just the chips, please.
So, how did you two lovebirds meet?
We met at the club.
He showed me how straight a line he could draw without a ruler.
It was really straight.
It was really fucking straight.
So hot.
What's that?
It's...
..a nappy.
Why are you wearing a nappy?
What, do you not like me wearing a nappy?
Er, I'm just not really into that whole sexy baby thing.
I guess I'll go take it off, then.
OK.
I must say, I am surprised you're still here,
but it is great that you are.
I thought you might immediately take off after Billie got the abortion.
I'm just going to go... check on Billie.
OK. Right.
He is so great.
Oh, yeah, he's great. He's amazing.
Can you slow down?
If you eat this quickly, it's terrible for your digestion.
Chew. Chew.
It's not a race.
You're right. I want to be fit as a fiddle for tonight.
Where's Nicky? Don't know. Toilet?
I hope he hurries up. It's nearly time to get back.
What time does this place shut?
Maybe we should go somewhere afterwards?
Can't get any bloody ketchup out!
Let me have a go.
Josie's good at that. What's the trick again, Josie?
Oh! Sorry.
Josie, you're making this lovely meal very difficult to enjoy.
We really should wait for Nicky to get back.
It's only polite. Yeah, thank you!
At least someone's got some manners around here.
Ever heard of etiquette?
Yes, Seb. Very straight.
Seriously, where the fuck is Nicky?
Nicky? Hello? Nicky!
That's so weird.
He's been great tonight. I don't know why he would take off.
We had such a good chat.
I told him how amazing he's been since you had your abortion.
What?
I just said he's been really supportive and kind
since you had your abortion.
I've not fucking told him I had one.
Why would you not tell him? He's been so nice.
Because he was being nice to me so I'd get the fucking abortion!
Oh, right.
That does make sense.
Right, I'm going. Sit down, Billie. I need to find Nicky.
He's gone, love. This is the longest we've ever seen him for.
I don't even know how you managed to get him here tonight.
Is he on drugs? I think he was, yeah.
I need to go and find him. He wouldn't do this to me.
I think he probably would.
He wouldn't leave. He wouldn't. He loves me.
All right. Well, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
He might not have left. He's obviously fucking left, Dev!
How dare you speak to James Bond like that!
Sorry, Mr Bond.
Your sister knows how to keep her man.
You should be more like her.
Oh, Josie's a lesbian!
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, dear Josie
# Happy birthday to you! #
Er...Josie's not gay. She's obviously straight.
She's about as straight as this fucking line, Seb.
Well, she's always talking about men she fancies.
Oh, really? OK. Josie, name a single man you fancy.
Come on. Any man will do.
James Bond...?
Well, you can't have him. He's mine.
I really thought you were going to say me.
What, has he really gone?
Just... Just tell me the truth.
It's all right, I promise.
I'm sorry.
Josie! Please, control yourself.
Honestly, this is the thanks I get for loving both you too much.
LINE RINGS
This is your fault, you snivelling little rat.
Maybe we can't force people to be with us, you know.
Some people say if you love someone, let them go,
and just trust they'll come back. Yeah, right. Like Dad.
I'm not falling for that again. Listen, Josie,
we have to do everything in our fucking power to lock people down.
If you love someone, hold on to them for dear life and grip so hard
until you fuse with their body like a human fucking centipede.
Billie, you're hurting me.
Sorry.
You'll need that for your hand job later.
Just me and my boys.
I'll say it.
I did not like that guy.
I'd never leave like that.
I know you wouldn't, darling.
You're family.
I'll just go and check on the girls.
Do you like having orgasms?
Er...
Hmm.
Yes.
Yes, I think so.
So, are you a sex addict too?
His icon's disappeared.
My messages only have one tick. What do you think that means?
I think it means you've been... Don't say it!
..blocked.
He wouldn't do this.
He wouldn't block me.
Who's going to hand out topless shots at Billie Bar?
He took me to the fair last week. It was so romantic.
Does that sound like a man that wants to leave me?
I think he was trying to give you a miscarriage.
What, even on the dodgems? Especially on the dodgems.
Right, well, you need to help me, then.
Why? Cos I'm going to kill myself.
What's your plan?
Hold me down till the last bubble pops.
WATER SPLASHES SHE GURGLES
What has happened to this family?
We used to be so open and honest with each other.
A real unit.
No, we didn't.
You always hurt the ones you love the most.
That's why you're doing this to me.
Anything I can do?
This is actually a bit of a private conversation, Dev.
Anything you say to me you can say to him.
OK. Erm, Billie's had an abortion but she was keeping it a secret
because Nicky's being really nice to her, and now she's been blocked.
I'll just...
There he goes. 007 himself.
Why didn't you tell me?
About what? The abortion or Josie being gay?
The abortion. We all know Josie thinks she's gay.
You know I'm gay? Yeah, you think you're gay - for now.
Why didn't you tell me, Billie?
You think they're common. They ARE common.
WE'RE common.
What the fuck were you going to do with a baby?
Well, maybe I would have been good at it.
Yeah, I thought that too, but look at Josie.
Sorry.
That is a very delicate, sensitive man out there.
We cannot afford to spook him off.
For fuck's sake, look at yourselves.
Josie thinks she's gay
and you just tried to kill yourself with a toilet.
You both need to grow up.
I did. I did the grown-up thing and he left anyway.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't help you with that.
My man is waiting.
Do you think I would have been a good mum?
Of course.
Would I have been a MILF? Yeah.
With big milky milkers?
OK.
Thank you.
That's a good one.
All sorted.
What did I miss...James?
I was just getting the waitress.
Hello?
HE LAUGHS
I'm sorry. It always used to make Lisa laugh.
There you go.
SEB: I'm ready! Are you coming?
In a second.
OK.
Bring tissues!
I love you.
I love you too.
Are you having a nice birthday?
Yes.
It's absolutely fantastic.
SEB SIGHS
OK.
I'm with a girl. She's got short hair, masculine energy.
Her name is Sid.
No. No.
She's a pretty girl.
She's got long hair.
Her name is...
..Jennifer.
Now we're talking about her mum dying and my dad leaving,
and how that might have damaged our attachment styles.
Do you take her top off?
I'd have to ask.
She said it's OK.
What's she wearing underneath?
A binder.
OK, yeah. Stop.
I lost it.