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英文片名﹕My Boss's Daughter 中文片名﹕----老板的女儿----
有句老話，你們都曾听人說過﹕
“凡事皆有因”， 不過，我覺得這句話用在我身上并不恰當
我是說，我把每個早上都花在 匆匆忙忙赶去上班上面了
奮力地赶著同一班地鐵， 做著同一份無謂的差事
有什么理由會這樣﹖
我在芝加哥最大的出版社任一名調查員
但是我真正想呆的部門是在創意部
問題是，我的老板還沒意識到這點， 所以我算是失意至极了
我的朋友保羅一直跟我說
“你要樂觀一點，要積极一點”
行，行，你們知道嗎﹖
今天會是我的幸運日，今天會是我的...
- 啊﹗ - 噢﹗哇哦﹗
- 嘿，看這個，今天是你的幸運日 - 你看到了嗎﹖
噢，這种事我都見過無數次了
- 你要不要﹖ - 不要
我也不要，給你吧，這下你有新的公文包了
是啊，說不定上面有名字或者什么
- 噢，拜托，你怎么回事﹖你是傻瓜嗎﹖ - 什么﹖
- 你要把它還回去﹖ - 是的
你不是剛說過你需要一個新包嗎﹖
是的，等我升職的時候
你在那干了不是有...一年了嗎﹖
我敢打賭泰勒甚至都不知道你在他那干， 換作是我，我會為此非常生气
- 你生气嗎﹖我會生气 - 是的，我...我有一點生气
這一說倒讓我想到一件事， 我從來沒有真正見過你發火
漢德森，你曾見過湯姆真正發一回火嗎﹖
- 沒有 - 好了，沒錯，我沒有發過火
怎么了，是件坏事﹖
你要知道，如果你把怒气一直壓抑著， 那么遲早有一天...
...你來上班的時候，你會干掉所有人， 用一支...
- AK-47自動步槍 - AK-47，僅僅是為了給某人 留個印象，比如...
- 茱迪.福斯特 - 茱迪.福斯特
好吧，我會等你們休假 的時候再動手，行了嗎﹖
哦，來了，你的“茱迪.福斯特”來了
保羅，別這樣，老兄
如果你只是坐在這，你怎么可能認識她﹖
她是泰勒的女儿，老兄，我不可能就...
你不可能就什么﹖嗯﹖ 你想一輩子沒出息嗎﹖嗯﹖
勇敢地走過去，跟她說話，上呀
- 行行行，我上，我上 - 你上
打扰了...
啊﹗
嗨，我是...
啊
我...噢﹗
哦...我...他...
噢
噢﹗噢...
- 你把我的狗怎么了﹖ - 夫人...
- 誰在逗我的狗﹖ - 沒人逗你的狗，它...
噢﹗哦...
哦，這...這只狗...嗯...
不如你坐我的位置﹖坐吧
不賴，你真不賴
多給我兩分鐘，我都能比你更接近她
看，有机會了，快過去
快過去
快上
沒事，快過去
“萊克街，下一站是萊克街”
你是湯姆.斯坦菲爾德，是嗎﹖調查部的﹖
沒錯，沒錯，湯姆，湯姆.斯坦菲爾德
調查部的...斯坦菲爾德
那是一項很有前途的運動，知道嗎﹖
保羅，她不可能認為那是一本摔跤雜志
噢，拜托，忘了這件事吧，行不行﹖
你是有點尷尬，不過已經發生了，行了嗎﹖
我跟你說，從包里掉出一本裸男雜志...
...對我來說是家常便飯了， 開玩笑，開玩笑
什么﹖保羅﹗
不說了，不過認真說來你是出了點丑
但至少現在我們确定她知道你是誰了，對不對﹖
- 我要被赶出這家公司了 - 不，你不會的
噢，天吶，是她
哦，還有，我需要馬上看到泰國方面的校樣
就這樣，還有別的什么沒有﹖
- 你是湯姆﹖ - 是的
- 泰勒先生要見你 - 噢...好的
好的
看到沒有﹖你的机會來了，這就是命運， 這就是我一直在說的...
...去創意部發展的一個嶄新的机會， 你就是做這份工作的最佳人選
你將要走進去，你將要向他推銷那些書的构思
不行，只是我...我真的還沒准備好
好了，廢話少說，現在我們要飛黃騰達了
來吧，你將要走進去，你將要給他狠狠一擊
等等，我的蘭色文件夾呢﹖
你不需要它，別再找借口了，來吧
- 你看上去很棒，你感覺很棒嗎﹖ - 我覺得想吐
很好，就是需要這种感覺
這是什么﹖你老爸的﹖ 不錯，快進去吧，好嗎﹖
- 別...別碰我屁股 - 什么﹖只是輕輕一拍，很輕的
- 嘿 - 嘿
- 嗯，我就這么進去﹖ - 噢，別急，他還沒結束
- 你可以先在那邊坐一會 - 噢，好的
我來解釋給你听，漢德森
我不是不喜歡你的构思， 我根本就是認為它們令人厭惡
我憎厭它們
- 你可以走人了 - 离開你的辦公室﹖
你想得美﹗
- 祝你好運，你會需要它的 - 他可以見你了
你可以進去了
你們知道嗎﹖獨立戰爭后我們根本不應該放松﹗
坐下，坐吧，要咖啡嗎﹖
我們不該把你留在懸崖上， 我們應該把你推進海里
我听說你威脅要用AK-47掃射這個地方...
...是怎么回事﹖
什么﹖
噢，噢，噢，不是的，那個... 我只是開個玩笑
哦，你認為很有趣﹖殺死這里的所有人﹖
不，不不不，是... 保羅說我從未發過火...
那么你嘲笑侏儒的事又怎么講﹖
我從未嘲笑過侏儒
你說跟一個侏儒約會會很有趣
因為那樣你就可以把啤酒擱在她的頭上
不，不，我從來沒有說過這种話
很顯然漢德森認為你說了
我一向很有幽默感，不過你這种笑話 不但不好笑而且很不健康
- 但是，先生，我沒有說過... - 奧德莉﹖
- 我叫你拿哪份文件﹖ - 嗯，普拉特那份﹖
- 約翰.普拉特，不是山姆.普拉特 - 對不起，是我沒有想...
沒錯，你不用腦子想
現在，要是不太麻煩你的話， 能不能把正确的那份文件拿給我﹖
- 好的 - 順便給我和湯姆拿些炸圈餅
好的
听說你一直想見我...
...想談談你的构思，是什么构思﹖
噢，嗯...是的，我是...是有一些构思
- 咖啡有問題﹖ - 噢，沒有，很好喝
- 那你為何作出這么一副表情﹖ - 什么﹖
噢，這個...咖啡有一點苦，不過...
- 見鬼，奧德莉，給我進來﹗ - 先生，真的，沒...沒什么大不了的
- 我打的嗝味道都比這個好 - 先生，沒關系的
- 有什么問題嗎﹖ - 你嘗嘗湯姆的咖啡
不用了，真的，沒關系
- 你認為如何﹖ - 嗯，是不太好喝
不太好喝﹖我想是不太好喝， 湯姆覺得根本就難以下咽
奧德莉，你是不是弱智﹖
我不是反問你。你是弱智嗎﹖
不，我不是弱智
因為一個弱智的人都能泡咖啡， 我說得對嗎﹖湯姆﹖
噢，我...我不太...真的不太清楚
對于殘障人士的缺陷
我知道有一家職業介紹所，可以推荐殘障人士 來工作，薪水是每小時4美元
所以，如果泡杯咖啡對你來說都太難了的話， 班尼特小姐...
或許你該告訴我一聲，我好聯系那家職介所...
...找一名殘障人士來做這份工作
哇
- 我剛才對她不會太嚴厲吧，嗯﹖ - 嗯，她的确不夠老練
或許我是太過分了，但是你知不知道 我所面臨的是什么樣的問題﹖
我是說，我正要找人填補創意部的一個空缺職位
可是我好像找不到一個足夠 可靠的人來獲取我的信任
有時候我甚至不知道這里到底 有沒有人知道自己在做什么
我能夠理解你為什么會有這种看法， 先生，不過...
所以你認為我剛才并不過分﹖
嗯，如果你要說的是，一個公司...
...的強大程度受制于公司內部最薄弱的環節， 這是有道理的，不過...
太對了，完全正确
一個公司的強大程度受制于 公司內部最薄弱的環節
- 是... - 奧德莉，進來﹗
你說得對，湯姆，我對她太溫柔了
- 什么﹖不是 - 什么事﹖
奧德莉，在跟湯姆詳細商討之后...
我認識到我必須要讓你离開了
- 你要解雇我﹖﹗ - 抱歉，只能這樣子了
- 但是，先生，我剛才是建議... - 我對工作盡心盡責
一根鏈條的牢固程度受制于它的最薄弱的環節
- 沒錯，但問題還有完全不同的另一面 - 謝謝你在一旁加油添醋
奧德莉，今天下班之前清空你的辦公桌
- 好 - 先生，這...我...
多謝你幫我理清這個問題，湯姆
是的，是的，但是我剛才沒有 表達出我真正想說的東西
噢，你的构思，當然了， 找我的新秘書給你安排一次會面吧
湯姆，你還好嗎﹖
嗯...是，當然
看到你的樣子，我猜他今天早上又對某個人...
...暴跳如雷了吧
- 絕對是 - 真是的
我原本還希望能碰上他情緒好的時候
這個，嗯...很可能不會有這种時候了
我今晚要去參加一個派對， 可是我老爸要我留在家里...
...照看他那只蠢鳥， 就因為他自己這個周末要出去
為何你不進去告訴他你不想留在家里﹖
我不能就這么...
你不能就什么﹖我的意思是，為何不過你 自己要過的生活，享受一個自在的周末﹖
不，不是那么回事
- 沒錯，就是這么回事 - 對了
- 我就應該去參加派對 - 對了，當然該這樣
嗯...好了，我要回去...工作了
好的
湯姆﹖我知道這可能有點唐突
因為我們還只是剛剛認識
不過，你今晚有什么安排嗎﹖
沒有，沒，沒
- 嗯...沒有，我...我有空得很 - 我們不會太晚回家的
嘿，沒關系
派對7點鐘開始，你能6點來我老爸家嗎﹖
- 沒問題 - 你确定你沒問題﹖
- 你開我玩笑﹖ - 湯姆，你真是太可愛了
太謝謝你了，我真是愛死你了
- 哈哈，我厲害吧﹖ - 你看﹖我怎么教你的﹖
我是個情圣
他怎么會對照看房子這么激動﹖
他人好，爸爸，就這么簡單， 絕大多數男孩根本不會愿意做這种事
我不太确定我要不要讓他照看我的鳥
噢，爸爸，你放松點行不行﹖ 沒事的，我保証，行了嗎﹖
我一到那邊就打電話回來查問，8點鐘的時候
如果我覺得有什么不對勁， 你就得回家里來
行了，行了
很好，很准時
噢，先生，嗯...嘿，那個是熊夾子嗎﹖
是的，防止鄰居家的小孩進入我的院子
先生，我只想告訴你，我有多么感謝你
嗯...今晚的這一切
我知道今晚的派對對麗莎很重要， 我認為你做得很正确
我不知道你有什么圖謀，斯坦菲爾德
但你的態度弄得我很緊張
- 襪子是干淨的，是嗎﹖ - 嗯...
- 你猶豫了，穿上鞋套 - 你說真的﹖
如果要看電視，遙控器在這
那個面板控制燈、警報、天窗，等等
知道了，或許我一個都用不上
- 你知道的，派對是7點鐘開始 - 派對﹖
我跟麗莎說得很清楚， 你在這里不能有任何客人
你是唯一被允許呆在這所房子里的人
- 什么﹖麗莎不在這﹖ - 不在，當然不在
麗莎去參加派對...
而我留在這里
這一點對你而言這么難以理解﹖斯坦菲爾德﹖
別碰家具
這是我的鳥的房間
他有自己的房間﹖
很酷
我的小寶貝怎么樣﹖
- 他叫OJ - OJ﹖跟那個殺人犯的名字一樣﹖
不，是跟那個橄欖球手的名字一樣，OJ.辛普森
我已經調好鬧鐘， 你一听到它響起，就給他喂食
哇，給這些小家伙喂食什么﹖
它們不用喂食，它們是食物， 他的食譜很丰富，不過它們是他最愛的食物
嘿，這些門你都不用關﹖
不再需要了，自從他的配偶死后， 他就一直很消沉
他不飛了，只是坐在他的籠子里
藥，10點鐘給他吃兩顆
我必須把這些塞進他的喉嚨﹖
只要塞一顆，另一顆塞入他的直腸
別擔心，這不會讓他太難受的
- 他不咬人吧，會不會﹖ - 不會，除非你逗他
你沒打算逗他吧，嗯﹖湯姆﹖
- 沒有 - 我認為，那种行為真的很病態
沒有，當然沒有
還有最重要的一點，務必要給他喝夠一品脫的水
藥物會使他脫水，他就會呼吸困難
- 好的 - 好了，我該走了
- 漢德森應該還等在外面 - 漢德森﹖我以為你解雇他了
因為他的构思很愚蠢﹖當然不會
他要開車送我去火車站
等麗莎和漢斯一回來你就可以走了
- 漢斯﹖ - 麗莎的男朋友
記住，嗯...碗里的水、藥，還有...
我不在的時候這間房子發生任何事，我唯你是問
你在照看房子﹖你開我玩笑吧
我知道，真是見鬼了
你在說什么呀﹖你不懂嗎﹖這是一次考驗
你照看好泰勒的房子，又提出了不少好构思
如果一切都順利，你就能升職了
- 你這樣認為﹖ - 當然了，還有更容易的方法嗎﹖
你干什么呀，漢斯﹖快過來
寶貝，如果你不立刻讓我給你 擦上這個，你會晒傷的
噢，天吶，你嚇到我了，漢斯， 你是個神經病，快放下來
想給我擦嗎﹖幫我擦點防晒劑
- 杰克在嗎﹖ - 嘿...什么﹖你是誰﹖
別緊張，我是萊德.泰勒， 杰克的儿子，我從后門進來的
- 噢，嘿，我是湯姆.斯坦菲爾德 - 嘿
湯姆，幸會，我打攪你了嗎﹖ 278
噢，不，嗯...我剛...嗯...噢，你的鞋
是耐克鞋，嗯，听著，湯姆， 你能幫我個忙嗎﹖我的電視指南不見了
我過來看看我老爸這會不會還有一份
你沒看到哪里有電視指南嗎﹖有沒有﹖
- 我妹妹在嗎﹖ - 不在，她出去參加派對了
- 找到了 - 噢
那么，嗯，你來這里是...
- 照看房子 - 噢
對了，或許最好別告訴麗莎我順道來過這里
- 為什么﹖有什么問題嗎﹖ - 你知道她有多保守啦
- 是嗎﹖ - 我是這個家里比較不受傳統約束的人
噢，噢，老兄，看到這個了嗎﹖
- 克絲蒂.艾莉﹖ - 是的，我和她的女仆約會過
- 真的﹖ - 我剝光了克絲蒂.艾莉的女仆
而且是在他們拍攝《看誰在說話》期間 （《看誰在說話》由約翰.屈伏塔/ 布魯斯.威利斯/克絲蒂.艾莉主演）
哇哦，真了不起
我再跟你說件事，你知道米歇爾.菲佛嗎﹖
知道
我干過米歇爾.菲佛的表妹
- 哇哦 - 就在那外面的矮樹叢中
- 厲害 - 啊，她長得就跟米歇爾一模一樣
除了她是黑發而不是金發
還有她比較矮比較胖
噢，你真是有著多姿多彩的生活，萊德
你結婚了嗎﹖湯姆﹖
- 沒有，我還是單身 - 沒有女朋友﹖
沒有，不是，實際上我有過女朋友， 不過，嗯，我們分手了
- 啊 - 啊
听著，我真的要工作了， 既然你找到了電視指南...
那么你們分手了﹖太糟糕了
- 你的前女友漂亮嗎﹖ - 是的
是的，在我看來她挺漂亮的
我敢打賭你的皮夾里還留著她的照片
- 是啊，我是留著 - 能看看嗎﹖
- 好吧，我想可以 - 太好了
讓我在皮夾里找一找，這就是她
噢﹗湯姆，你真是個幸運的家伙﹗
- 是啊 - 噢，她的屁股真是迷人﹗
噢，我可以干她的后花園干一整天﹗
- 是嗎﹖她...她是個漂亮的女孩 - 哇哦
她的床上功夫一定很行﹗ 告訴我她的床上功夫很行吧，湯姆
我敢打賭每天夜里她都干得你的 小弟弟皮開肉綻
- 好了... - ...因為這真是一個漂亮的姑娘
夠了，嘿﹗你...
我...你在說的是我的女朋友
- 前女朋友，你說的 - 沒錯，但還是，這個...
拜托，我只是找點話題， 你知道的，男人間的閑聊
听著，我只是...我覺得不自在...
...跟一個完全陌生的人談論我的性關系
理解
你知道嗎，如果要問你在談論性時有多保守
你差不多已經給出了答案
我不保守﹗拜托﹗
就因為我不愿意公開關于我前女友的性習慣...
...的這些個人隱私，并不能說明我保守
我沒問你任何私人問題
是嗎，那你認為他媽的什么才是私人問題﹖
這個，比如，你知道的， 如果我問你的那根棒子有多大
那么我就是百分之百的問過頭了
不，不﹗這不比問我的女友是不是欲女更糟﹗
我只是問你她喜不喜歡性
而且，如果我知道她是性冷感我就不會問了
她不是性冷感﹗
你到底走不走﹖
噢，對了
還有，能不能幫個忙﹖
- 不是什么大事 - 什么事﹖
我老爸的一個商業合伙人會過來取這個
- 是冰凍牛排，是份禮物 - 不冷呀
老爸說那家伙就是喜歡這個，你會怎么做﹖
會幫我給他嗎﹖
請稍等
- 奧德莉 - 湯姆
走吧﹗快﹗
噢，這就對了，你跟他住在一起﹖
噢，不是，我只是在照看他的地方
- 他...杰克出了城 - 是嗎﹖
- 是的 - 噢，見鬼﹗
我過來是希望討回我的工作
就是你害我失去的那份工作
只因為我泡了一杯難喝的咖啡﹖記得嗎﹖
听著，我真的很抱歉
你怎么能只因為某個人 泡了一杯難喝的咖啡就解雇他，嗯﹖
我明白，這也正是我想跟他說的
你以為你是誰﹖他媽的Juan Valdez﹖ （Juan Valdez，哥倫比亞的咖啡品牌）
只要你給我一半机會，說不定我就能 在那個地方干出些名堂來
- 我們快走吧，挂包﹗ - 噢，天吶，是我那笨蛋男朋友
省口气吧，你這變態﹗
老天，我快被他逼瘋了
噢，嘿，既然你踩到地毯上了， 介不介意穿上這個﹖
- 這些是醫用...我也穿了的 - 噢﹗甘草糖
我最恨甘草糖了，給我水，不然要吐了﹗
拜你所賜，我一個月內就失去了第二份工作， 現在是完全一文不名了
你還丟過一份工作﹖
是的，上禮拜五我剛丟了我的女服務生工作
- 他們為什么解雇你﹖ - 噢，我不知道
一個助理經理逮到我和顧客搞關系
- 什么﹖ - 嗯，實際上這個顧客...
...是我的男朋友
我是說，我被解雇之后他成了我的男朋友
- 你這里有啤酒嗎﹖ - 嗯...嘿
- 找到了 - 穿上這個行嗎﹖
這是這間房子里的規矩，哦，實際上， 這個規矩是很怪...呀...﹗
這是柜台﹗听著， 杰克是個真正的偏執狂，這樣就好了
別說笑了，今天上午我就發現這一點了
我發誓，我要發瘋了，我要沖進去...
- 噢，老兄，斯派克真的發怒了 - 啊...
甚至不...嘿
- 快點，快點，快點，見鬼 - 我對天發誓，奧德莉
我要在這家伙的門前尿尿﹗
你不立刻給我開門，我就撞進來...
嗨
別擔心，沒摔碎東西
嘿，寶貝，出來，你把我一個人 留在見鬼的車里，自己在做什么﹖
搖起你的屁股，寶貝，快點，我們該上路了
- 急什么，斯文點行不行﹖ - 奧德莉﹗
這是湯姆，我跟你說過的辦公室里那家伙
噢，那個咖啡小子
你以后會遭惡報的，超級怪胎﹗
噢，我們不需要你的說教，大人物﹗
嘿，閉上你的鳥嘴，小女人， 小心我把你扔到牆外
听著，如果你愿意到外邊去吵， 我會感激不盡，拜托
嘿，如果你愿意出去給自己買個面包圈， 我會感激不盡，猶太佬
猶太佬﹖我不是猶太人，而且我不認為取笑...
- 別理他，他是瘋子 - 我是瘋子﹖
- 你以為你還能是誰﹖ - 听著，我們能不能到外邊去吵﹖
噢，算了吧
你知道你是什么東西嗎﹖ 你是個肮臟的妓女
我﹖那你和你那個女服務生又是什么呢﹖
- 繼續走 - 我從未碰過她
- 你發誓﹖ - 我敢對天發誓
你敢用你媽媽的性命發誓﹖
見鬼，我才不會用我媽媽的性命發誓
- 為什么不﹖如果你說的是真話 - 我覺得他說的是真話，奧德莉
那你為什么不用你媽媽的性命發誓﹖
因為我覺得我沒有權利...
...拿我媽媽的性命來冒險，這就是為什么
冒險﹖但是你顯然沒什么可擔心的...
...除非你象塊腐肉一樣在撒謊
嘿，我不想呆在這里被個婊子罵作大話王﹗
你說誰是婊子﹖你這小蝦米雞巴的混蛋﹗
奧德莉，現在是你在激怒他了
你這是惡意中傷的、完完全全的、 厚顏無恥的謊言﹗你明明知道﹗
- 是嗎﹖是嗎﹖我不這樣認為﹗ - 我現在就把雞巴亮出來﹗
- 不，不，不，我不想看 - 我現在就把雞巴亮出來...
...証明給你看她是個說謊的婊子﹗
- 把你的那坨肉留在褲襠里吧﹗ - 你要看我的家伙嗎﹖
- 好了，好了﹗夠了﹗ - 找把尺子來，湯姆﹗你去拿...
夠了﹗我對你是不是小蝦米雞巴不感興趣﹗
- 或者你有巨鯨雞巴，那個... - 他媽的，奧德莉﹗
你跟他說是你在說謊，否則我砸爛你的臉， 我發誓﹗
- 等一下﹗放下這東西﹗ - 好了，我們能不能只用拳頭﹖
- 滾過來，你這小... - 你打我，混蛋﹗
- 我沒有打你，你胡說﹗ - 他打我﹗
他明明打了我，就像我明明站在這﹗
- 你打了她﹖斯派克﹖ - 是的
用手掌，只是用手掌
- 用手掌又如何﹖ - 你不能...
- 用手掌不算打 - 誰說的﹖
任何人都這么說，你問這個猶太佬
好了，夠了，你們兩個都該离開了
行，沒問題，但是她休想和我一起走
不歡迎你和我一起雙人行
好啊，我才不在乎，我才不要坐你那破車， 我要留在這里和湯姆一起
- 行，你和湯姆一起 - 我就留在這里
等一等，哇哦，兩位，你們需要 設法解決這件事
- 他打了我﹗他打我屁股﹗ - 我知道，我知道
不過畢竟只是用手掌，而且...
兩人間的關系總是有高潮有低潮的
你們不想毀了這份很不錯的...
噢，天吶，那只鳥，OJ﹗
哦，我的天
噢
你敢回來湯姆會踢爆你屁股﹗快滾吧﹗
噢，我嚇得發抖了，寶貝﹗
看看他們兩個，OJ
噢，我不是逃跑，笨蛋﹗
- 喂﹖ - 嗨，湯姆，你怎么樣﹖
- 嘿，麗莎，我很好，我很好
- 是OJ在叫嗎﹖ - 是的，是的
- 我們剛喝了點水 - 我已經有好几年沒听到他這樣尖叫了
噢，是啊，他真是只瘋鳥，你知道的
是啊。總之，湯姆，我只想你知道...
今天晚上你讓我可以出來， 我真不知有多么感激你
不過今晚的派對結束后 我要去一個朋友那里睡
如果我請求你今晚一整夜留下來， 你會不會覺得很恐怖﹖
噢，嗯...我...我想你老爸不愿我留在這里
- 求你了﹖ - 好吧，我想我會留下來
謝謝了，湯姆，我真的很感激你， 明天見
我不怕你，湯姆當然也不怕你﹗
笨蛋﹗沒用的家伙﹗
噢，謝天謝地，他終于走了， 嘿，我今晚留在這行嗎﹖
噢，這...這又不是我的房子
噢，沒錯
算了，我也不想要什么施舍
我的意思是，你并不欠我什么，所以...
今天在辦公室發生的事情我很抱歉
我知道你不想我被解雇
- 是的，你不該被解雇 - 謝謝
好了
我想我只能出去找一間無家可歸者的收容所了
- 等一等 - 怎么﹖
天吶
- 听著，我想你可以留下來 - 真的﹖噢，謝謝你，湯姆
你人最好了，噢，我會打掃廚房的，好嗎﹖
- 好 - 好，好
來了，等一下
有人敲門
嗨，嗯，有什么事﹖
瓦克斯派我來取一個包裹
噢，你是...對對對， 萊德跟我說過你會來
啊...噢，嗨，我是湯姆
這算什么，奧普拉﹖ 他媽的把包裹給我就行了 （奧普拉.溫弗莉，頭號脫口秀女主持人）
噢，好的，對，嗯...
我想這個就是了
如果這東西不是真的，我就折斷他的拇指
噢，按照規定，包裹上面應該印有戳記
怎么...
- 噢，晚飯時間到了，伙計
OJ...今天的特餐是一份美味的老鼠肉自助餐
噢，見鬼，啊...糟了
你這混蛋
哈
我逮到你了，伙計
啊
- 老兄，好酷啊 - 噢，老天
- 湯米，對那些古董溫柔點
- 那是只貓頭鷹﹖ - 沒錯，OJ跑了，他怎么會飛了﹖
- 他是一只鳥 - 他...不，杰克說過他...
啊，見鬼﹗我得找到他
別著急，也許他餓了會自己回來
不，我得找到他，要不然我會失業﹗ 你知道嗎﹖
這也是幫你討回工作的好机會
好吧
- 他死哪去了﹖ - 湯姆，放輕松點
放輕松﹖OJ跑了﹗ （注﹕習慣上把愛顯淑女派頭的女孩稱為OJ， 而loose有放蕩之義，所以"OJ's loose"這句話 引起身后三個女孩的誤會）
- 現在可沒時間輕松﹗ - 湯姆﹗他就在那﹗
- 那邊，那邊，那邊﹗ - OJ﹗
- 就在那﹗ - OJ﹗
站住﹗不，不，站住，別跑﹗
OJ，OJ...
站起來，你在我的地頭做什么﹖想打劫我﹖
不，我...我只是在找...
是，是，我看見你在找的東西了， 你很喜歡年輕姑娘﹖
不是
那你為什么一直打量我老婆，你這變態﹖
你的...不，我沒有看，我...
亞瑟，你很快過來嗎﹖我需要你幫我
再等一會，寶貝
- 噢，請不要殺我 - 我不會殺你
只要你不殺我，我把我最值錢的東西給你，拿去
你知道這是什么嗎﹖
- 伊万德.霍利菲爾德的耳朵 - 什么﹖
就是被麥克.泰森咬下來的那一塊耳朵
- 但這是白色的 - 那又如何﹖
- 不應該是黑色的嗎﹖ - 如果還長在他腦袋上，沒錯，應該是黑的
但誰都知道切下來的耳朵會褪色
- 才不會 - 謝樂爾?
- 什么事? - 一只耳朵...
- ...從你腦袋上切下來之后會怎么樣﹖ - 會變色
噢，見鬼﹗
蒂娜，給我一瓶啤酒
你肯定是耍我
- 再來一次 - 來吧，你們這些家伙﹗
開派對了﹗
- 來吧，我們開派對﹗ - 奧德莉...
- 他媽的這里是怎么回事﹖ - 抬頭
這些人是誰﹖
我請了几個朋友來幫忙找貓頭鷹
德瑞爾還修好了客廳里的桌子
- 謝謝 - 杰克甚至不會發現桌子摔坏過的
三不沾﹗
那個我們待會處理，各位，這是湯姆
- 你好，湯姆 - 嗨，各位
各位，湯姆真是個好人，他的困難會...
奧德莉，能不能...
- 什么﹖ - 听著，我很感謝你的幫助
但是你能讓你的朋友呆在房子外頭嗎﹖
- 他們所有人還是黑色那家伙﹖ - 不，是他們所有人
噢，這招真高，這樣那個黑色的家伙 就不會以為是針對他個人了
- 我根本就沒有針對...听著 - 什么﹖
我有責任照看好這所房子
我不能讓所有這些人在這里閑逛
好的，我明白了，各位，我們出去
- 啊，我才剛開始呢 - 好主意
謝了，各位，太好了
- 蛋糕怎么辦﹖ - 別緊張，他們都是好人
他們不會偷東西，也不會象印第安人一樣喝醉酒
听著...務必要讓他們呆在外頭
- 好嗎﹖ - 好的
- 麗莎﹖ - 嗨，湯姆
啊，你回來了﹖你怎么回來了﹖
不值得再提，我和漢斯大吵了一架
哦，那么...分手了﹖
跟一個我老爸喜歡的家伙約會， 是我自己的錯
是嗎﹖
是的，漢斯是他的高層市場經理之一， 你知道的，所謂的哈佛法學院畢業生，
良好的家庭背景， 鄉村俱樂部里一流的网球好手
- 湯姆，我能和你談談嗎﹖ - 奧德莉﹖
是的，她來找你老爸說點事
好吧，我要進房間了，你喜歡就留下來
好
- 湯姆﹖ - 奧德莉，我馬上過來，行了嗎﹖
行
- 你走也可以 - 或許我們可以談談...
...遲點
這個怎么樣﹖
- 什么事﹖ - 我們找到貓頭鷹了﹗
- 在哪里﹖ - 哦，他跑了
- 去哪了﹖ - 他跳到矮樹叢中去了
- 沒錯 - 你在干什么﹖
弄點碎牛肉，這是誘鳥的好法子
- 他們喜歡碎牛肉﹖ - 我不知道，我沒養過鳥
- 但大部分動物都對肉感興趣 - 的确如此
要幫忙分肉嗎﹖
史彼得，跟湯姆說說肯尼迪遇刺真相
真是很酷，湯姆，因為史彼得知道 誰殺了約翰.肯尼迪
不，問他呀﹗湯姆，你問他
- 問他是誰殺了肯尼迪 - 好吧，好吧
- 誰殺了肯尼迪﹖ - Desi Arnaz （美國50年代電視劇集“我愛露西”男主角演員）
- 噢 - 他的生活從此不一樣了
噢
噢，天吶，噢，噢，噢
- 湯姆﹗ - 見鬼，麗莎
- 哦，你來這里干什么﹖ - 這里是我的儲物室
噢，噢...嗯，有東西跑到我褲子里了
我在給那鳥喂老鼠， 結果老鼠溜到我褲子里了
不好意思...
噢，快看，它在那，那邊，進臥室了
- 哇哦，當心﹗ - 啊﹗
- 噢，老天，你沒事吧﹖ - 是的，是的，我沒事
別著急，我們會抓到它的
哦，我來幫你
你知道嗎，我真的很高興你留下來， 今天晚上我正需要多笑笑
謝謝，哇哦，能讓我出個 更大的洋相來逗你笑嗎﹖
- 想喝一杯嗎﹖ - 哦，不用了，謝謝
噢，好的
- 干杯 - 干杯
噢，天吶，那是沃特.佩頓的簽名海報﹖
是啊，85年的熊隊是橄欖球運動史上最偉大的球隊 （85年芝加哥熊隊打進季后賽并攻入超級杯）
沃特.佩頓、Jim McMahon、Mike Singletary
你知道嗎﹖或許你就是有史以來最酷的女孩
- 你喜歡橄欖球﹖ - 是啊，我愛死它了
我不知道你們還喜歡橄欖球
當然喜歡，我和保羅每個禮拜天都去看球賽
- 保羅也喜歡﹖ - 是啊
噢
噢，這是什么﹖
哦，沒什么，只不過是我以前畫的東西
畫得真的很棒，我不知道你還是個畫家
我以前畫畫，不過再也找不到朋友 愿意當我的裸体模特了
- 你不會有興趣吧，嗯﹖ - 哦...
你害羞了，我開玩笑的
我沒有害羞，是我...我的臉有時候會自己變紅
你真搞笑
不過，說正經的，你真應該繼續畫下去， 我覺得你畫得很好
我倒是想，但是這背离了 我老爸給我安排好的道路
我是午夜貓頭鷹出版社的未來
噢，看，它在那
- 就在那，鑽過門了 - 我們會抓住它的，我們會抓住它的
哇哦﹗當心﹗
- 你沒事吧﹖ - 你老爸會殺了我的
不會，不用擔心，這是我哥的，我爸不在乎這個
噢，萊德
- 哦，我爸告訴你了﹖ - 告訴我什么﹖
- 禁制令 - 怎么回事﹖
是的，萊德被禁止靠近我、靠近我爸 或靠近這所房子的100碼范圍
他...他沒有...他沒有提這件事
萊德是個怪人。如果我爸發現任何人 進了這所房子，尤其是萊德
那個時候，你絕對不想呆在我爸身邊的
好像萊德無論走到哪里都會制造麻煩
有一次，我爸出城了，他趁机開了個大派對
結果我爸提早回來...
嘿，哦...這個，既然老鼠跑了， 我們回房去好不好﹖
好的
- 它還准備參加奧斯卡﹖我討厭它﹗ - 我知道﹗
噢，我討厭那部電影﹗老兄，我真不敢相信
你像是...你跟你工作時候的樣子太不一樣了
我該怎么做﹖穿著沃特.佩頓運動衫走來走去﹖
不，不，我懂，就像是， 工作的時候你必須是麗莎.泰勒﹕
你知道的，一個對家族企業全心全意的員工
而我必須是...湯姆...
湯姆.斯坦菲爾德﹕愿意為任何人做任何事的家伙
沒錯，就是我
真的，好像我可以和你聊任何事
我知道，确切地說，這...
- 這有點瘋狂 - 是啊，是有點
我猜是因為咱倆互相沒有吸引力，知道嗎﹖
是
這樣就不會有性壓力
- 是的 - 你就像是我的女性朋友
- 很棒吧，是不是﹖ - 是的
也許我們可以一起逛街、購物
- 那樣一定很有趣﹗是不是﹖ - 是的
等一下，你該听听這首歌
來呀，我要跟人跳舞﹗
你不會想看我跳舞的
- 來呀，和我一起跳 - 我完全不懂怎么跳
來呀，把手握在一起，對了，現在轉圈
- 怎么...象這樣﹖ - C?
- 象這樣﹖ - C?
停一停，看我的，看我的
噢
- C∴?.. - 我真是不自量力
噢﹗C?
我是個舞蹈家
- 接著我 - 噢...干嘛﹖
- 我接住你了﹗ - 哇哦﹗
哇哦
噢，我要死了
過來
噢，我好喜歡這首歌
我朋友珍妮配著這首歌跳很狂野的脫衣舞...
...給他男朋友看，真是超級性感， 就算是你也會很欣賞的
我真希望能夠象她一樣，你知道嗎﹖ 她是多么自由自在啊
覺得怎么樣﹖
哦，很...很好看
那么，要不是你是個同性戀， 這已經讓你興奮了，是嗎﹖
- 同性戀﹖誰說我是同性戀﹖ - 我老爸說的，你是說你不是﹖
- 不是﹗ - 不是﹖天吶，太難為情了﹗
- 我不敢相信你害我做這种事﹗ - 我不是故意...我是說，嗯...
為什么你爸爸說我是同性戀﹖
我不知道，不過，你不能完全怪他， 我的意思是，你确實有點女性化
別難過 703
沒關系的
漢斯也有點女性化
話說回來，漢斯到底做了什么﹖
倒不是他做了一件什么事
而是信任的問題
是的，信任是...是蠻重要的
信任是最重要的
我不知道，也許是我的原因， 可能是我給人某种感覺
- 象樣的男孩都不會喜歡我 - 不是的
- 我哪里不好﹖ - 你根本就用不著擔心
你很快就會有新的男朋友
看看你自己，多么迷人啊
- 你真這么想﹖ - 你以為今晚我為什么會來這里﹖
噢，天吶，湯姆
原來你不知道，你以為是...
嗯...嗯...我要...我馬上回來
我出去一下，看看奧德莉是不是需要毛巾
湯姆，你沒必要對我撒謊
如果你要上廁所，盡管去，快點回來就是了
怎么...嘿﹗見鬼，你在這里做什么，老兄﹖
你妄想從瓦克斯身上詐兩万塊錢， 居然還問我在做什么﹖
你以為我是在“Mrs. Fields”干活嗎﹖ 你以為我的老板喜歡烤餅干嗎﹖ （“Mrs. Fields”，著名曲奇餅干企業）
- 哇哦﹗你這是干什么﹖別這樣 - 你竟然賣面粉給我
面粉﹖我...我根本就不知道你在說什么... 你在干什...別這樣﹗
听著，我只是幫我老板照看房子的
- 你老板是誰﹖ - 杰克.泰勒
杰克.泰勒﹖我跟一個叫杰克.泰勒的 在Joliet一起坐過牢
是不是中等身高、頭發不長不短、 屁股上生了嚴重的毛囊炎﹖
- 我不可能知道他有沒有毛囊炎 - 我想你說了他是你老板
- 沒錯 - 那你就從沒見過他屁股﹖
- 為什么我會見到我老板的屁股﹖ - 這是顯而易見的
你給一個人干久了活，遲早...
...有机會瞅到他的屁股
听著，我...我不知道你是干哪行的
但是我從未見過我老板的屁股
嘿，老兄...
嘿﹗嘿，住手，否則我要報警了﹗
跟他們說什么﹖說你的毒品買賣搞砸了﹖
你敢出賣我，我就剁了你，象只火雞一樣
再用剁剩下的你去砸你的小孩
- 我沒有小孩 - 我可以等
失陪。喂﹖沒錯，好的
湯米，別怪我沒說清楚
一個小時后，要么讓我拿到 瓦克斯付了錢購買的貨
要么把你的卵蛋包好充數
- 噢，嗨，湯姆，怎么了﹖ - 對，我正要問你
你老爸的禮物是怎么回事﹖ 你看...看到那家伙沒有﹖
他要殺我﹗
你不覺得是你反應過度了一點嗎﹖湯姆﹖
反應過度﹖這家伙拿著把刀﹗ 我可不覺得是我反應過度
他可能只是找錯地址了
我是說，光在芝加哥就有不止一打人叫杰克.泰勒
我要進我爸的臥室了， 這家伙還來的話你叫我
行，有你的，你听著
你根本就不應該出現在這所房子里
誰說的﹖
我知道禁制令的事了，萊德
禁制令，我想那是個天大的誤會
湯姆﹗找到OJ了﹗
噢
- 哇，嘿，你是誰﹖ - 我來找麗莎，我叫漢斯
- 讓你很震惊﹖ - 沒有
怎么了，你很奇怪她跟我這樣的人約會﹖
不，不，不是...
得了吧，老兄，你該感到羞恥
我告訴你，外面有大把的女孩...
...不在乎我剛好...
...超重了几磅
你知道嗎，我的內心和別人是一樣的
- 我給你拿紙巾 - 謝謝
- 今天是我重新開始節食的第二天 - 嘿，漢斯...
- 我連巧克力都不吃了 - 我真的很抱歉
我想，嗯，我們之間只不過有個不太好的開始
哦...很高興見到你，漢斯，我是湯姆
我，嗯...
我是麗莎的...朋友
哦，很好啊，或許你可以幫我，她在嗎﹖ 麗莎﹗麗莎﹗
哇哦，漢斯，跟你說
現在可能不是你見麗莎的好時机
怎么樣，要不要喝一杯﹖
噢，好吧，沒錯，她可能真的很生气
你知道嗎，今天晚上我和她之間有誤會， 結果她拂袖而去
- 哇哦，真不幸 - 是啊
是怎么回事﹖
哦...我想是因為她從背后看到我那樣 光著身子，有點被嚇到了
噢，那么，今晚是你們頭一次﹖
是的，今晚是頭一次，真可怕
我當時象這樣躺在床上，一條腿翹在空中
- 我想我不需要看... - 我一只手這樣摸著屁股
- 哇哦 - ...另一只手握著這玩意（奶子）
漢斯，別這樣，哇哦， 老天，你...那個
- 這個時候麗莎走了進來 - 什么﹖
她逮到我在和別的女孩鬼混
什么﹖
噢，算了吧，老兄， 難道你從不想和女孩做這檔事﹖
漢斯，漢斯，不是的...是你欺騙了她
你知道嗎，湯姆﹖你說得對
噢，我猜那真的是欺騙，這下我要失去所有人了
一開始我就應該知道這是不對的
她一直跟我說我讓她想起她老爸
漢斯，你必須認識到你們之間 已經完蛋了，你知道嗎﹖
你應該做個了斷，然后...然后繼續前進
- 去一個更好的地方，知道嗎﹖ - 對
- 我想你明白我的意思 - 是的，我确實明白你的意思
我准備好了，我知道我該怎么做了
我想該說再見了
OJ!
謝謝你，湯姆
OJ，回來﹗
OJ﹗
你好，你一定是茱莉的約會對象 進來，進來
事實上，我只是來找一只鳥的
別拘束，阿爾伯特，茱莉還在准備
- 不，事實上，我的名字叫湯姆 - 抱歉，我耳朵不好使
- 你能說大聲點嗎 - 我的名字叫湯姆﹗
我肯定茱莉說過你叫阿爾伯特
不，你看，恐怕是你弄錯了
- 有人來了﹖ - 是的，他是茱莉的約會對象，阿爾伯特
- 啊﹗啊﹗ - 這是我外甥，喬治
- 他眼睛瞎了，腿也殘廢了 - 哦，哦...很高興見到你
我不是聾子
失陪一下，我去看看茱莉怎么還沒下來， 她可能太緊張了
你就是茱莉要約會的家伙，嗯﹖
不，我是...我只是來，我在找一只貓頭鷹
你不必找什么無聊的借口
听著，你知道作為一個殘廢的人有什么优勢嗎﹖
不，我不知道
你不會真的在乎我說什么，對嗎﹖
不，不，不是這樣的，我...
你知道嗎﹖請說下去，我洗耳恭听
坐下，湯姆
你知道我殘廢了之后得到了什么嗎﹖
你在搖頭﹖我又看不到，你該知道﹗
對不起，嗯...嗯...告訴我 你得到了什么
我不再需要偉哥了
現在我能夠保持興奮好几個小時
這...這棒极了，我想正所謂...
...失之東隅，收之桑榆，對嗎﹖
不，不完全是，你知道為什么嗎﹖
不知道，為什么﹖
因為我是個瞎了眼、廢了腿的怪物，笨蛋﹗
怎么，你以為女人會喜歡我這樣的﹖﹗
- 我是說，你以為女人... - 噢，你好
“我要給那個變种怪胎我的電話號碼”﹖
- 我是肯.摩哈斯，茱莉的爸爸 - 嘿，很高興見到你
喬治又說他那些自怜的廢話來煩你了嗎﹖
- 廢話... - 不，一點也不
“我是瞎子，我是瘸子，等等等等”
离開這個房間，我要和阿爾伯特單獨談談
- 我愛呆在哪就呆在哪 - 离開這個房間﹗
- 好吧，好吧 - 出去﹗
- 你用不著怒气沖沖 - 快出去﹗出去﹗
- 好 - 轉彎，轉彎，轉彎
噢，老天
- 真是不好意思 - 他媽的誰把這東西擺在這﹖
我女儿還要几分鐘才能好，你...你先坐，阿爾伯特
- 湯姆 - 不，我叫肯
- 沒錯，你叫肯 - 是的
在你說什么之前，阿爾伯特， 我只想讓你知道，茱莉...
...真的很在意她的容貌， 自從那次...那次意外之后
好的...
- 噢，茱莉 - 茱莉，這位是阿爾伯特， 阿爾伯特，這是茱莉
- 見到你真好，阿爾伯特 - 哇哦，見...哇哦
見到你我也很高興， 不過，事情是這樣的，我不是阿爾伯特
- 也就是說我不是你在等的人 - 噢
這是個天大的誤會
- 噢，你怎么能這樣﹖ - 我就知道會這樣﹗
不，我說的是實話
是茱莉不夠漂亮嗎﹖GQ先生﹖是不是﹖ （《GQ》雜志，男性時尚雜志）
- 不，你不明白 - 噢，我明白，“法比奧” （法比奧，可能是指一個著名封面男模）
- 你傷害了這個可怜的女孩 - 不不，我不是...
你以為茱莉是白痴嗎﹖ 你以為是她接受你恩賜的童話故事嗎﹖
先生，穿著醫用鞋套很迷人嗎﹖
- 噢，這... - 滾出去
再不滾我就把你的英俊屁股踹到天上去
- 有什么事被我打斷了嗎﹖ - 沒有，只不過...
湯姆，有兩件事我們得談談
什么事﹖
首先，我再也不要穿著這些鞋套了
- 沒人穿著這樣的鞋套 - 行
- 還有呢﹖ - 蒂娜認為她得了癌症
- 你摸到沒有﹖ - 嗯，我剛...
- 這儿會有什么東西嗎﹖我沒有... - 看到沒有，蒂娜﹖
左邊一點，這附近
噢
- 你沒有感覺到有東西嗎﹖ - 是的，我是說，沒有，沒有
沒有，它好像...嗯...
蒂娜，你的乳房和我的毫無區別，行了嗎﹖
- 就是有，你又沒比過 - 湯姆，摸摸我的乳房，比一比
現在你發現我們兩個的乳房有什么不同嗎﹖
- 嗯...你們別太急 - 好舒服
嗯，你的乳房...
- 麗莎，這不是你看到的那么回事 - 我信了你說的每句話
我是在...
全都只是甜言蜜語，是嗎﹖
不，不，麗莎，都是... 我向你發誓，每字每句都是真心的
這...這里什么事都發生
很好，湯姆，真高興你認為 我是個完完全全的白痴
不，不，我告訴你， 我是在給她們檢查乳腺癌
- 你讓我惡心 - 不，麗莎，等等﹗
- 她絕對不會原諒我了 - 她當然會原諒你
這是你第一次對她不忠﹖
是的，不﹗我...慢著﹗
我沒有對她不忠，老天，你在場的呀﹗
听著，我知道你沒有對她不忠
- 我是說，你剛才是有點貪婪，不過... - 我...
听著，你不覺得我們應該先找到貓頭鷹...
...再來擔心你的風流韻事嗎﹖
我...我要...我要發狂了，可我不想發狂
- 噢﹗ - 嘿，史彼得﹖
嘿，我能問你個問題嗎﹖
- 你在干...我以為你走了 - 我是走了...去拿這個
- 好吧，爐火怎么著了﹖ - 很暖和，是吧﹖
- 好吧，你放下那玩意 - 逼我呀
行﹗
嘿﹗嘿﹗放下撬棍﹗
不然我轟爆你的屁股﹗
對了
- 你威脅不了我 - 但是...我有槍
- 你干什么﹖ - 湯米，我們都有槍
唯一的不同是，你沒膽子用你的槍
噢，是嗎﹖什么讓你這么有把握﹖
噢，我很有把握
噢﹗噢，天吶，怎么... 你怎么回事﹖瘋了嗎﹖
住手，你瘋了嗎﹖
- 喂﹖ - 斯坦菲爾德，有什么情況要報告嗎﹖
先生﹗嗯，一切順利，一切...都在我掌控之下
- OJ喝了足夠多水嗎﹖ - 哇哦﹗
嗯，OJ...什么﹖噢，是的
杰克，請稍等一下。 我要轟掉你的雞巴
我不打算整個周末都呆在外面
- 我恨你﹗我恨你﹗ - 我可能...
...提早回家，所以你務必要确保一切正常
老天﹗
噢，有件事忘了跟你說
- 先生﹖ - 那個魚缸，水有點淺
- 我馬上就處理 - 很好
我回來之后，要跟你談談創意部的那個職位
- 啊﹗ - 先別激動
我沒說你已經得到那個職位了， 不過我們會討論這個問題
噢，謝謝，先生，太好了，再見
真他媽見鬼﹗
我...
小子，我撒完尿了，你這有什么喝的嗎﹖
廚房里有，謝了
該死﹗
哇哦﹗這里發生什么事了﹖ 湯姆，你出了個小事故﹖
或許你該試試凱格爾鍛煉法， 好讓你底下那玩意收緊點 （凱格爾鍛煉，用于鍛煉恥尾肌，治療尿失禁）
- 夠了﹗ - 我現在就練練，先松弛一下
嗯，入鄉隨俗吧...
噢，“Canada”
“杰克.泰勒，Rectacid(藥名)，臀部用藥”
“可減輕紅斑及其它毛囊炎症狀”
混蛋
- 你尿到自己身上了﹖ - 不，我沒有
- 看起來像是你尿到自己身上了 - 我說了我沒有
是樓下那個瘋子干的
我們必須在他拆了這房子之前阻止他
你知道該怎么做嗎﹖給他吃顆這种小玩意
- 這是什么﹖ - 安眠藥
我從史彼得那搞來的，給你， 藥效很強的，小心點
- 很強勁的東西 - 好了，就一顆
要小心
嘿，打扰了
我只想跟你道歉，剛才拔槍對著你
我真是太過分了
嘿，我還不知道你叫什么
- 我叫TJ - TJ﹖好名字
我想我剛才也做得過分了，到處尿尿
不過，老兄，真的很有趣
C 乙幌螄不抖褡 紓 愫鵲氖裁矗?
威士忌，要不要來點﹖
這里的酒多的是
好的，我來點波旁酒
- 噢，天吶，哇哦﹗ - 怎么了﹖
哇哦﹗看那兩個美女在...
- 噢，是三個﹖ - 在哪﹖
她們正干得火熱，就在那邊二樓
- 你哪里看到的﹖ - 就在...噢，老兄，她們走了
見鬼，弄得我這么興奮
女同性戀真是很特別的
噢...嘿，我們為這個干一杯，嗯﹖
- 干杯 - 好的
嗯
噢，你是不是...
- 哇哦 - 給我，我為何不...
哇哦﹗哇哦
哇哦
奧德莉﹖
奧德莉﹗
天吶﹗他像個人体振動按摩器
什么...他是怎么回事﹖
- 我不知道，你偷偷給他吃了藥﹖ - 是的
那一定是藥起作用了
你不是把藥溶在威士忌里給他喝的吧﹖
- 是啊 - 噢，不﹗
- 你不該把這兩樣溶在一起 - 奧德莉，你沒跟我說過﹗
任何人都知道不該把藥和酒溶在一起﹗
- 拜托﹗ - 好了，他會沒事嗎﹖
別擔心，他會好的，我曾經是醫護人員
- 湯姆﹖我想我發現OJ了 - OJ﹖我才沒空管...
我們這里出事了，奧德莉，打911﹗
- 我跟你說了，他會好的 - 你肯定﹖
- 他只要休息一會，我肯定 - 好吧，你看著TJ，用這個
沒有裝子彈，不過他不知道
噢，拜托﹗
- 噢，嘿 - 我是茱莉
- 來自... - 隔壁街區的，沒錯
我可以進來嗎﹖
就這樣，你抓住他的腳踝
我們不如去那邊那個房間
- 好，我抓住這頭 - 噢，他好重
我可以坐下嗎﹖
- 哦，當然可以 - 謝謝
噢，嘿，抱歉打攪你們了， 嗨，我是萊德
- 嗨，幸會 - 幸會
是這樣，我那個真的約會對象來了后， 我才知道你說的是實話
- 當然他沒有留下來 - 只能說他是個笨蛋
我肯定不是因為你
不，我知道是我的原因
即使在出事之前，我也沒吸引過任何男孩
絕對不可能
大約半年前，我在路上搭了便車
結果卡車司机想強奸我，除此之外...
拜托，你是告訴我你從未交過男友﹖
嗯，只有一次，不過我認為他只是可怜我
你和他交往了多久﹖
大約6年，然后有一天，他就那么走了
- 有別的女人﹖ - 不，他被巴士車撞了
你看，并不是你的原因
但他好像沒有很努力去避開那輛巴士
我想他就是想逃离我們這段關系
茱莉，你為何不坐這張椅子﹖
噢，我開始覺得有點頭暈了
好了，我得去找OJ了
萊德，如果你能幫我看著點，就太好了
沒問題
听著，我認為你對自己太苛刻了
而且，我打賭有很多男孩曾被你吸引
不，他是唯一一個
還有那個卡車司机呢﹖顯然你迷住他了
我想當時無論是誰那個司机都會強奸
我很怀疑，也許他認為你特別漂亮
你真好，萊德
我也不是要煩你，我是說真的

- 你們動這草坪干什么﹖ - 沒什么，湯姆，我們只是想埋了TJ
埋...什么﹖你是說，他...
你說過他會沒事的，我以為你曾經是醫護人員
- 我是上過醫護方面的課 - 你上過...你...你們...
你們不能就這么埋了他﹗
我們可不會把他放到我車里
- 沒錯 - 好了，別說了，我打911
- 那是需要急救才打的 - 你認為這是什么情況﹖
這家伙已經死了，過20分鐘，他仍然是死人一個
叫急救車來沒有意義
不，我們必須報警，跟警察報告這件事
- 跟他們怎么說﹖ - 說事實﹗發生了一次意外
- 他們可能不那么看 - 面對現實吧，湯姆，是你殺了他
- 是你給我那种藥 - 嘿，我沒有叫你殺死任何人，拜托﹖
但你沒告訴我不能用威士忌﹗
- 如果你听我說了... - 你根本就沒有提威士忌﹗
我以為你會听我的
沒時間互相推諉了
你何不鋪些樹葉﹖讓它看上去更自然
我不會幫你藏匿一具尸体﹗
嘿，你們不覺的我們該說點什么嗎﹖
- 什么﹖ - 她說得對
最后的儀式或者頌詞，或者類似的玩意﹖
- 我要暈了 - 我們是該說几句
好了，好了，說吧，赶快
主，今天我們下葬TJ，他是...
- 我真的不了解他 - 我也不了解他
湯姆，你是最了解他的，不如你來說吧﹖
- 我﹖ - 是的
我只知道這家伙是個狂暴的殘忍的暴徒， 而且對女同性戀很感興趣
阿門
- 湯姆﹖ - 麗莎
- 我不敢相信你還在這里 - 听著，求你了
你必須听我解釋
听著，湯姆，今晚只是個錯誤，僅此而已
不，你...你看到的我和那兩個女孩的事情， 都只是怪异的巧合罷了
萊德﹖萊德來這里干什么﹖
萊德﹖噢，萊德剛好在附近
他順便路過這里
不過，你看，今晚并沒發生什么 真的很糟糕的事情
- OJ不見了是因為他嗎﹖ - 不，不是，嗯...OJ沒有拴好
這是個小問題，不過我們會找到他的
而且我們正在找他，所以...
這是什么﹖
哦，湯姆殺了一個人，我們在掩埋他的尸体
- 好吧，這件事挺糟糕的 - 啊﹗
現在是你反應過度了，并不是...
- 噢﹗ - 啊﹗
好了，好了，嘿
誰敢動一動，她的腦袋上就會有個大洞
是嗎，動手呀，開槍呀
你還等什么﹖動手呀﹗
你還等什么﹖﹗干掉這婊子﹗
- 湯姆﹗ - 不，我才不在乎﹗
- 嘿，我可不是說笑，混蛋 - 是嗎﹖
扣扳机呀，來呀，來呀﹗
我看你是光說不練
看來我們兩個都有槍啊
這次誰會先開槍﹖
這樣應該可以了吧
湯姆﹗你太勇敢了
不，不，根本沒什么大不了的， 這支槍根本沒裝子彈...
見鬼這是怎么回事﹖
我真不應該怀疑你， 你為了我，拿你自己的命來冒險
奧德莉在廚房里找到一些子彈， 可能被我重新上到槍里了
沒錯，是我上的
各位，打扰一下，誰認識一個叫杰克.泰勒的人嗎﹖
什么事﹖
這小子剛打電話來，說如果 我不在15分鐘內赶到火車站接他...
...我就要失去工作了，你覺得這是怎么回事﹖
噢，天吶
我也是這么想的，因為我根本就沒有工作
- 他提早回家了 - 好了，別擔心
一切有我，好嗎﹖相信我，你只要別開車太快了
知道了
還有，或許你該把這東西收好
噢，天吶
噢
我就知道是你
既然禮拜一下午我們要去泰國開會
好的，可以趁我們在夏威夷加油時帶上它
嘿，要不要先停車，喝點東西...
...或者上一下洗手間什么的﹖
我們現在就把各部門頭頭帶過去
几個禮拜后再讓創意小組過去
那是午餐前的行程安排，然后是午餐...
好的，那么...
行，行
行，好的
- 斯坦菲爾德，你在干什么﹖ - 沒什么，先生
請稍等
斯坦菲爾德，你為何不專心開你的車...
讓我繼續打我的電話﹖
- 等等﹗ - 又怎么了，斯坦菲爾德﹖
噢，沒什么，先生，快到家了
- 嘿，這東西怎么跑進去了﹖ - 小心那玩意
我會小心的，是我發現的好東西
處理一把手槍可以有几种方法
但不包括把槍扔到垃圾袋里
不許動﹗警察﹗不許動﹗
放開那女孩﹗舉起雙手﹗
你被徹底包圍了，TJ﹗
放下武器，把手放在頭上﹗
不，你們弄錯了，他不是TJ， 我是麗莎.泰勒，這是我老爸的房子
小姐，我們接到多宗報案
說這一帶發生了行竊、槍擊...
行了，听著，我知道你們可能 以為我們殺了某個人
但是湯姆并不知道他會毒倒那個家伙
我們埋葬他的時候以為他死了， 不過他現在看上去好的很
只是他的頭上，被我們用鏟子 打了的地方，流了一點血，
我發誓湯姆開槍的時候并不知道槍里上了子彈
是我把子彈上回去的， 所以只要你們都進來...
...就知道這里沒有任何人死了
他可能暫時有點呼吸困難
不過只要經過一點緊急護理， 我想他就會沒事的
老天爺﹗
漢斯﹗
是的，我知道，我知道
行，好的
噢﹗
能再說一次嗎﹖信號不好﹗
請稍等，OJ﹗
我不懂你為什么要這樣做，漢斯，你怎么想的﹖
他會沒事的，也許會有點喉嚨痛
不過他的情況比這吊燈可好多了
等這家的主人回來，我可不愿再呆在這里
你可以到時候再說一次
哇哦
- 湯姆﹗爸爸﹗ - 又怎么了﹖
- 怎么回事﹖ - 當心玻璃，大家小心
- 我們把他們從車里弄出來 - 噢，天吶，爸爸﹗
- 大家退后，保持鎮靜 - 你們都沒事吧﹖
就是他，就是他透過矮樹叢窺視我
他開槍打碎了我女儿茱莉的臥室窗戶
來呀，告訴他們，茱莉
你們過來，湯姆要把這家伙放在這
慢慢來，放我下來
斯坦菲爾德，你做了什么好事﹖
麗莎，收拾行李，你跟我一起去泰國
不行﹗
把他帶走﹗ （Get his ass out of here）
你還提“屁股”這詞，真是好笑，杰克
為何我們不先說說你的事﹖
你說什么﹖
麗莎，你爸爸不是你想象的那樣子
整個出版業務，是一個巧妙的掩護
你是怎么辦到的﹖你怎么弄的﹖ 把書挖空﹖
噢，還把工厂設在泰國，真是天才﹗
- 你都在說些什么﹖ - 我說的...杰克
你知道嗎，我一直相信你，杰克， 直到遇見這個人
他好像對你的底細很了解
認得這個嗎﹖我听說它對治療毛囊炎 非常有效
我沒生毛囊炎
他讓我別無選擇
- 他讓我別無選擇﹗ - 湯姆，你干什么﹖
- 這太瘋狂了﹗ - 是嗎﹖看看你老爸的屁股
- 不﹗ - 然后再說我是不是瘋了，嗯﹖
- 噢﹗噢﹗ - 嗯﹖嗯﹖看呀﹗
看呀﹗嗯﹖嗯﹖
- 啊﹗ - 怎么﹖
噢，太惡心了
我說了我沒生毛囊炎，你這個十足的白痴
各位，一定是這藥膏起效了
走吧
慢著﹗我給你們看樣東西
噢﹗
我的真名叫小杰克.泰勒，萊德是我的綽號
現在你們知道為什么了，我就是TJ來此的原因
該死的，萊德，你在我的房子里做毒品買賣﹗
不，爸爸，我發誓，我給這家伙的是一包面粉
我把一公斤真的毒品倒進馬桶了
我再也不賣毒品了
木制墊子的那個萊檬綠色的馬桶﹖
沒錯，怎么了
噢﹗
哇﹗
等等，他在飛﹗
他在飛﹗
哇﹗
我不想再看到他，立刻﹗ 麗莎，我們走
就是他，搶了我的耳朵﹗ 伊万德.霍利菲爾德的耳朵
你有權保持沉默，你所說的一切將...
麗莎，等等﹗
老天，是霍利菲爾德的耳朵
OJ﹖
OJ，到我這里來，小寶貝你怎么樣﹖
- 你要跟他走﹖ - 我有別的選擇嗎﹖他需要我
你真的同情他﹖
他在操縱你，你居然能接受這种事
好吧，行，隨便你怎么做好了， 不過我要把湯姆保釋出來
錢呢﹖用你賣毒品的錢﹖
不，不，不，這是我從老爸的保險箱里偷的
听著，重要的是，必須有人幫助湯姆
你知道昨晚發生的事沒有一件是他的錯
真搞笑，這個全世界最友善的家伙卻是 唯一有勇气...
...反抗我們老爸的人
他唯一想要的就是和你共度一段時光
結果給他帶來了什么﹖
真是個模范老爸，我被禁止進入這房子， 而你被禁止离開這房子
他不關心我們，他只關心那只蠢鳥
- 嘿，萊德，我能告訴你一件事嗎﹖ - 當然可以
我知道這听上去很怪异， 但是從我還是個小孩子開始...
...我就一直希望自己變成那只蠢鳥
啊
听著，我覺得該是你跟老爸談談的時候了
至少告訴他你的感受，你能做到的
你還不明白嗎﹖我們沒道理要畏懼他﹖
啊﹗
- 爸爸﹗ - 麗莎，別讓他這樣對你
麗莎﹗啊﹗
- 麗莎﹗ - 湯姆﹗
萊德把我保釋出來了，他告訴我你在這， 我不會讓你走的
- 但我... - 不，你讓我說完
昨晚是一場惡夢，都是我自己造成的， 因為是我讓他們那樣對我的
現在你在犯同樣的錯誤
- 但是... - 這不是你想要的
這是你爸爸想要的，還有，你知道嗎﹖
也許你和我永遠不會在一起， 這讓我很傷心
但是看著你被一個無情的暴君控制著， 這讓我更傷心
如果他以為這樣會有助于他的成功，讓他見鬼去吧
湯姆﹗我沒說要走
她...她不走
這點對你而言就這么難以理解，斯坦菲爾德﹖
不會，不會
好啊
什么...我...是什么讓你留下來的﹖
這個
- 你們是怎么... - 我們終于進行了一次早就該進行的促膝長談
那...那誰接替你在泰國的職位﹖
他
- 這是什么﹖ - 啊﹗
- 我和你鬧著玩的 - 我不想去，我害怕
胡說，每個人都知道...
...亞洲人很害怕...
- 高個子﹖ - 加拿大人﹖
- 共和党人﹖ - 黑人﹖
- 漢德森﹖ - 是，先生
我不允許公司里有這种思想
這里沒有种族主義生存的空間，你被解雇了
好了，湯姆，我要說的重點是， 由于公司里有一大部分人要去泰國
所以我要讓你接管創意部
- 我﹖ - 不用謙讓
我看了你留在臥室里的那些构思
你關于肯尼迪刺殺案的推論，很有道理， 還有關于登月是一個騙局的推論﹖
你真是有不少重大發現啊
這正是銷售書籍的人該有的思維方式
謝謝，先生
再見，爸爸，一路平安 1300
爸爸，妙极了，你提拔了湯姆
是的，我認為有膽子在我的波斯地毯上撒尿的人...
...一定具備了成功的必要條件。 斯坦菲爾德﹗
- 你到底在干什么﹖ - 我在設法要回我的工作，先生 1304
在發生所有這些事之后，在經歷了這一切之后
我想那天真是我的幸運日。 而且我不是唯一一個幸運的人
按照麗莎和萊德的提議
杰克從上到下改組了公司
甚至把禮拜五穿便服的制度改成了 每天都可以穿便服
上禮拜五是漢德森連續第27天工作...
...期間沒有被解雇過
OJ戒掉了毒癮，現在他只喝啤酒了
不過他偶爾還是會想起過去的事情
杰克懇求奧德莉回來上班， 不過她已經找到工作了
居然是在咖啡館上班
- 噢﹗ - 噢﹗
太難喝了
漢斯已經成功開始運轉公司設在泰國的工厂
不過顯然他仍然在努力地适應當地習俗
- 坐到后面去﹗ - 什么﹖
- 你們這种人要坐在后面 - 你侮辱我﹗
老兄，我不會讓你這樣對待我，就因為我...
吸煙﹗要吸煙就坐到后面去﹗
至于我，升職之后
終于有机會將我自己的經歷寫成書
- 于是我寫了 - 謝謝
麗莎也終于能夠從事她自己喜歡的職業
有句老話，你們都曾听人說過﹕
“為什么坏事總發生在我身上﹖”
我無法認同他們，因為我已經知曉， 只要他們肯停下腳步...
...查看一下，他們就會認識到，凡事皆有因
[謝謝觀賞]
---NewMov字幕翻譯小組制作--- 翻譯&校對﹕bigliar
我早就說了他遲早會見到老板的屁股
(. ''If I Had $ 1 000000'' by Barenaked Ladies))
You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression,
''Everything happens for a reason''? Well, I don't think that applies to me.
I mean, I spend every morning rushing to work
trying to catch the same subway to the same lousy job.
What's the reason for that?
See, I'm a researcher for one of the biggest publishing houses in Chicago,
but where I really belong is in Creative.
The problem is, is my boss doesn't know it yet, so I'm totally frustrated.
While my friend Paul keeps telling me,
''You gotta be optimistic. You gotta be positive. ''
OK. OK. You know what?
Today is gonna be my lucky day. Today is gonna be my...
- Aah! - Oh! Wow!
- Hey, look at that, lt's your lucky day, - Did you just see that?
Oh, l've seen it a million times,
- You want it? - No,
l don't want it, Go ahead, You got a new briefcase,
Yeah, maybe its got a name on it or something,
- Oh, come,,, What are you, nuts? - What?
- You're gonna return it? - Yeah,
Did you not just say you needed a new one?
Yeah, when l get my raise,
Haven't you been working there for, like, a year?
l bet Taylor doesn't even know you work there, l'd be pissed,
- Are you pissed? l'd be pissed, - Yeah, l'm-l'm a little pissed,
You know, come to think of it, l've never really seen you angry before,
Henderson, you ever seen Tom really angry?
- No, - All right, fine, So l don't get angry,
What is that, a bad thing?
lt's, you know, you keep it bottled up and then sooner or later,
you come into work and you mow everyone down with one of those,,,
- AK-47, - AK-47, You know, just to impress, uh,,,
- Jodie Foster, - Jodie Foster,
(chuckles)) All right, l'll do it on your day off, all right?
(Paul) Touch? There she is, lt's your Jodie Foster,
Paul, come on, man,
How you ever gonna get to know her if you just sit there?
lt's Taylor's daughter, man, l can't just,,,
You can't just what? Huh? Are you gonna be a loser your whole life? Hmm?
Just go over there and talk to her, Go, Go,
- OK, fine, l'm going, l'm going, - You're going,
Excuse me,
Aah!
(baby crying))
(mouthing))
Hi, l'm--
Ah,,,
l-- Oh!
Uh,,, l-- He wa--
Oh,
(dog growling))
Oh! Uh,,,
- What are you doing to my dog? - Ma'am,,,
- Who's taunting my dog? - No one's taunting your dog, He--
Oh! Uh,,,
Um, the-the d-- Um,,,
Here, why don't you take my seat? Here,
Great, Now, that's great,
Two more minutes, and l'm gonna be closer than you are,
Look, Opening, Go,
Just go,
Go, Go,
lt's OK, Go, just go,
(conductor) Lake Street. Lake Street is next.
You're Tom Stansfield, right? From Research?
Yeah, Yeah, Tom, Tom Stansfield,
Stansfield from Research,
lt's a growing sport, you know?
Paul, there is no way that she thought that it was a wrestling magazine,
Oh, come on, Get over it, OK?
You're a little embarrassed, lt happens, OK?
Let me tell you something, lf l had a dime for every time
a gay naked magazine fell out of my,,, l'm kidding, l'm kidding,
What? Paul!
No, But seriously, so you're a little humiliated,
At least now we've established that she knows who you are, right?
- l'm gonna have to leave the company, - No, you're not,
Oh, God, There she is,
Oh, and l need to see the proofs on Thailand immediately,
All right, What else have we got?
- Are you Tom? - Yes,
- Mr, Taylor wants to see you, - Oh,,, OK,
OK,
OK, you see? This is your chance, This is fate, This is what l'm talking about,
lt's about that new opening in Creative and you're the man for the job,
You're gonna go in there and you're gonna pitch him those book ideas,
No, l just,,, l'm really not ready,
Let's get to business, Now we're steppin' up, OK,
Come on, You're gonna go in there, you're gonna pitch him an inside curve,,,
Wait, wait, Where is my blue folder?
You don't need it, Enough with the excuses already, Come here,
- You look good, You feel good? - l feel like l'm gonna throw up,
Well, that's good, l want you to use that, OK?
What is this? This dad's? lt's nice, Now get in there, OK?
- Don't-don't touch my ass, - What? lt was a light spank, lt was light,
- Hey, - Hey,
- Uh, do l just go in there? - Um, no, He's not finished yet,
- but you can have a seat over there, - Oh, OK,
Let me explain something to you, Henderson,
l did not dislike your ideas, l found them loathsome,
l hated them,
- You're dismissed, - From your office?
Nice try,
- Good luck, You're gonna need it,,, - He's ready to see you,
You can come in,
You know what? We should have never let up after the Revolution!
Sit down, Sit down, Coffee?
We shouldn't have left you at toehold, We should have driven you to the sea!
Now,,, what's this l hear about you making threats
to spray this place with an AK-47?
What?
Oh, oh, oh, No, That,,, l was just making a joke,
Oh, that's funny to you? Killing everyone in this office?
No, No, No, no, no, no, The,,, Paul said how l never get angry,,,
And what about you making fun of midgets?
l never made fun of midgets,
You said it'd be fun to date one
because then you could rest your beer on her head,
No, No, l never said anything like that,
Apparently Henderson thinks you did,
Now l've got a good sense of humor, but that's just plain sick,
- But, sir, l didn't say,,, - Audrey?
- Which file did l ask you for? - Uh, the Platt file?
- John Platt, Not Sam Platt, - l'm sorry, l guess l didn't think that,,,
That's right, You didn't think,
Now if it's not too much trouble, if you could fetch me the right file,,,
- OK, - And get Tom and me some doughnuts,
OK,
Now,,, l'm told you've been trying to schedule a meeting with me
about some ideas, What are they?
Oh, uh,,, yeah, l had-l had some ideas,
- Something wrong with the coffee? - Uh, no, lt's fine,
- Why'd you make a face? - What?
Oh, well,,, lt's-it's a little bitter, but,,,
- Jesus, Audrey, get in here! - Sir, really, it's f,,, lt's not a problem,
- l've burped up stuff better than this, - Sir, it's fine,
- ls something wrong? - Taste Tom's coffee,
No, really, lt's OK,
- How would you rate that? - Well, it's not that great,
Not that great? l guess so, Tom thinks it's shit,
Audrey, are you retarded?
lt's not a rhetorical question, Are you retarded?
No, l'm not retarded,
Because a retarded person can make a cup of coffee, Am l right, Tom?
Oh, l,,, l don't-l don't really know much
about the limitations of the handicapped,
l know of an employment agency that hires out retarded people for $4 an hour,
So, if making a cup of coffee is too difficult a task for you, Miss Bennett,
perhaps you'd be good enough to let me know, and l'll contact this agency
and give a retarded person a job,
(mouths)) Wow,
- l wasn't too rough on her, was l? - Well, she is new and all,
Maybe l was out of line, But do you understand what l'm dealing with?
l mean, here l am trying to fill a position in Creative,
and l can't seem to find one person responsible enough to earn my trust,
l sometimes wonder if anyone here even knows what they're doing,
l can understand how you could see it that way, sir, but,,,
So you don't think l was out of line?
Well, if what you're saying is that a company
is only as strong as its weakest link, that makes sense, but,,,
Exactly, That's exactly right,
A company is only as strong as its weakest link,
- Yeah,,, - Audrey, get in here!
You were right, Tom, l was too soft on her,
- What? No, - Yeah?
Audrey, after talking it over with Tom here,
l've come to realize that l'm gonna have to let you go,
- You're firing me?! - l'm sorry, lt's just not working out,
- But, sir, l was suggesting,,, - l take my job very seriously,
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link,
- Right, but there's a whole other side, - Thanks for the support,
Audrey, empty out your desk by the end of the day,
- Fine, - Sir, this,,, l,,,
Thanks for straightening me out there, Tom,
Right, right, But l didn't get to say what l wanted to say,
Oh, your ideas, of course, Schedule an appointment with my new secretary,
Tom, Are you OK?
Uh,,, yeah, sure,
l'm guessing by the way you look he's on another one
of his rampages this morning,
- Definitely, - Damn,
l was hoping to catch him in a good mood,
Yeah, that's, um,,, that's probably not gonna happen,
l'm supposed to go to this party tonight, but my dad's making me housesit
for his stupid bird while he's away this weekend,
Well, why don't you go in there and tell him you're not gonna do it?
l can't just,,,
You can't just what? l mean, live your own life and have a free weekend?
No, it's not that,
- Wait, it is that, - Yeah,
- l should just go to that party, - Yeah, of course,
Well, um,,, OK, l'm gonna go back to, uh, work,
OK, sure,
Tom? l know this might seem a little out of place
because we barely even know each other,
But, do you have any plans tonight?
(mouths)) No, no, no,
- Uh,,, no, l'm-l'm wide open, - We won't be home too late,
Hey, it's no problem,
So the party starts at 7, You could be at my dad's house by 6?
- Sure, - You sure you're cool with this?
- Are you kidding me? - Tom, you're such a sweetheart,
Thank you so much, l'm gonna love you forever for this,
- All right, Yeah, who's the man now? - See? What'd l tell you?
(chuckles)) l'm a lady-killer,
How the hell could he be so excited about housesitting?
He's nice, Daddy, That's how, Most guys wouldn't even offer to do that,
l don't know if l want him around my bird,
Oh, Dad, will you just relax? lt's gonna be fine, l promise, OK?
l'll check in as soon as l get there, 8:00,
lf l sense anything's wrong, you're coming back here,
OK, OK,
(. light rock)
Very good, Right on time,
Oh, sir, Uh,,, Hey, is that a bear trap?
Yes, lt's to keep the neighbor's kids out of my yard,
Sir, l just wanted to let you know how much l appreciate you,,,
well,,, letting tonight happen,
l mean, l know it means a lot to Lisa, and l think you're doing the right thing,
l don't know what you're planning, Stansfield,
but you're attitude is making me very nervous,
- Those socks are clean, right? - Um,,,
- You hesitated, Put those on, - Are you serious?
lf you want to watch TV, the remote's there,
That panel controls the lights, alarm, skylight, etc,
Yeah, l probably won't use any of that stuff,
- You know, since the party starts at 7, - Party?
l made it clear to Lisa you're not to have any guests in here,
You're the only one allowed in the house,
- What? Lisa's not here? - No, Of course not,
Lisa's at the party,,,
and l'm staying here,
ls this concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?
Don't touch the furniture,
And this is my bird's room,
(chuckles)) He's got his own room?
That's cool,
- (gasps)) - How's my little boy?
- This is OJ, - OJ? Like the murderer?
No, Like the football player, OJ Simpson,
l've set the alarm, When you hear it go off, feed him,
- (mice squeaking)) - Aw, What do l feed these little guys?
They don't get fed, They are the food, His diet varies, but they're his favorites,
Hey, don't you have to shut these doors?
Not anymore, He's been depressed since his mate died,
He won't fly, Just sits in his cage,
Medication, Give him two of these at 1 0:00,
l have to shove these down his throat?
Just one, The other is inserted into his rectum,
Don't worry, lt's not too unpleasant for him,
- He doesn't bite, does he? - No, Not unless you taunt him,
You're not planning on taunting him, are you, Tom?
- No, - l mean, that'd be really sick,
No, of course not,
And the most important thing, make sure he gets a pint of water,
The medication tends to dry him out and then he can't breathe,
- OK, - Well, l must be off,
- Henderson should be waiting outside, - Henderson? l thought you fired him,
Because his ideas were stupid? Of course not,
He's gonna drive me to the train station,
So, you can leave as soon as Lisa and Hans get back,
- Hans? - Lisa's boyfriend,
So remember, uh,,, water in the bowl, medication, and,,,
anything happens to this house while l'm gone, l'll kill you,
(door shuts))
(Paul over phone)) You're housesitting? You gotta be kidding me.
(Tom)) l know, it sucks,
What are you talking about? Don't you see? This is a test.
You watch Taylor's house, come up with a couple of great ideas
and if everything goes smooth, you get the promotion.
- You think so? - Of course I do. What could be easier?
(crackles))
(. ''Not What I Wanted'' by Evan Olson))
(Lisa giggling)) What are you doing, Hans? Come here.
Baby, you're gonna burn so bad if you don't let me put this on you right now.
Oh, my God. You scared me, Hans. You're insane. Put that down.
Want to put some on me? Put some lotion on me.
- ls Jack around? - Hey,,, what? Who are you?
lt's OK, l'm Red Taylor, l'm Jack's son, l let myself in the back,
- Oh, Hey, Tom Stansfield, - Hey,
Tom, nice to meet you, Am l interrupting something here?
Oh, no, Uh,,, l was,,, uh,,, Oh, your shoes,
Nike, Uh, listen, Tom, can you do me a favor? l lost my TV Guide.
l came over here to see if maybe my dad's got a copy of one,
You haven't seen a copy of the guide laying around, have you?
- My sister in? - No, actually she's out for the evening,
- Bingo, (chuckles)) - Oh,
So, uh, you're here to,,,
- Housesit, - Oh,
Yeah, it's probably for the best if you don't, uh, tell Lisa that l stopped by,
- Why? ls there a problem? - Well, you know how uptight she is,
- Really? - l'm more the free spirit of the family,
Oh, Oh, boy, See that right there?
- Kirstie Alley? - Yeah, l dated her maid,
- Really? - l boned Kirstie Alley's maid,
And this is while they were making Look Who's Talking ,
Wow, that's really something,
l'll tell you another thing, You know Michelle Pfeiffer?
Yeah,
l did the deed with Michelle Pfeiffer's cousin,
- Wow, - Right out there in those bushes,
- Right, - Ah, she looked just like Michelle, too,
except she was brunette instead of blond,
and she was kinda short and dumpy,
Well, uh, ya certainly have an interesting life, Fred,
You married, Tom?
- No, l'm single, - No girlfriend?
No, and, no, actually l had a girlfriend, but we, uh, broke up,
- Ah, - Ah,
Listen, l really gotta get back to work, and since you got your TV Guide and,,,
So, you broke up, huh? That's too bad,
- Was your ex a looker? - Yeah,
Yeah, in my opinion she was,
l bet you you still keep a picture of her in your wallet,
- Yeah, l do, - Can l see it?
- Yeah, l suppose, - OK,
Let me find her in here, There she is,
(laughing)) Oh! Tom, you lucky man!
- Yeah, - Oh, she is a real piece of ass!
Oh, l could knock on that back door all day long!
- Yeah? Sh-she's a pretty girl, - Wow,
She has gotta be wicked in bed, Tell me she's wicked in bed, Tom,
l bet you she banged your johnson raw every single night,
- OK,,, - ,,,'cause that is one fine-looking broad,
All right, Hey! Would ya--
l me-- You're talking about my girlfriend,
- Ex-girlfriend, you said, - Yeah, but still, it's,,,
Come on, l'm just making conversation, You know, guy-talk,
Look, l just,,, l don't feel comfortable
talking about my intimate relationships with a complete stranger,
Understood,
Well, you know, given how uptight you are talking about sex,
you pretty much answered the question,
l am not uptight! OK?
Just because l don't feel like revealing personal details
about my ex-girlfriend's sexual habits does not make me uptight,
l didn't ask you anything personal,
Well, then, what the hell do you consider personal?
Well, it'd be like, you know, if l asked you how big your rod was,
Then l would be out of line, 1 00%%%,
No, no! That is no worse than asking me if my girlfriend's a nymph,
l just asked you if she dug sex,
Besides, l wouldn't have asked if l'd known she was frigid,
Yeah, well, she is not frigid!
Are you leaving?
Oh, yeah,
And listen, Could you do me a favor?
- lt's no big deal, - What?
A business associate of my dad's is gonna come by to pick this up,
- lt's frozen steaks, it's a gift, - lt's not cold,
Dad says that's the way the guy likes 'em, What are you gonna do?
Will you give it to him?
(doorbell)
Just one second,
(doorbell)
- Audrey, - Tom,
(man)) Let's go! Come on!
Oh, l guess this makes sense, He's got you living with him now?
- Uh, no, l'm just watching his place, - (car horn))
- He's,,, Jack's out of town, - He is?
- Yeah, - Aw, shoot!
l came by 'cause l was hoping to get my job back,
You know, the one that you got me canned from
'cause l made a bad cup of coffee? Remember that?
Listen, l'm really sorry about that,
How can you fire someone for making a bad cup of coffee, huh?
l know, That's what l tried to say to him,
l mean, who do you think you are - Juan fucking Valdez?
l might have had a future at that place if you'd just give me half a chance,
- (man)) Let's get a move on, saddlebag! - Oh, my God, That's my idiot boyfriend,
- (car horn)) - Hold your pants, you freakin' psycho!
God, He drives me crazy,
Oh, hey, you know, since you're on the rug, would you mind putting these on?
- They're medical,,, l got 'em on, too, - Ugh! Licorice,
l hate licorice, l need water or l'm gonna throw up, Ugh!
Thanks to you, l lost my second job inside a month and now l'm flat broke,
You lost another job?
Yeah, l got fired from my waitress job just last Friday,
- Why did they fire you? - Oh, l don't know,
One of the assistant managers caught me making out with a customer,
- Excuse me? - Well, l mean, actually the customer
was my boyfriend,
l mean, he became my boyfriend after the incident anyway,
- You got any beer in here? - Uh,,, Hey,
- Here we go, - Would you mind putting these on?
lt's a house rule, Oh, actually, that's a twist,,, Aah!
That's the counter, Listen, Jack, is just a real stickler, That'd be great,
No kidding, l found that out this morning,
(man)) l swear l am gonna freak out and l'm gonna come in there,,,
- Oh, man, Spike's in a real mood, - Uh,,,
- Don't even,,, hey, - (doorbell)
- Come on, come on, come on, Shit, - (Spike)) l swear to God, Audrey,
l'll piss on this guy's front steps! Let's go!
- (knocking)) - (doorbell)
lf you don't open this door this second, l'm gonna come in there and,,,
- Hi, - (burps))
- (clatter) - Don't worry, Nothing broke,
Hey, Baby, come on, What are you doing leaving me in the goddamn car?
Shake that tail, baby, Come on, Let's get a move on,
- Hold your horses, Try acting civilized, - Audrey!
This is Tom, the guy that l was telling you about from the office,
Oh, the coffee dude,
You got some black ass karma headed your way, superfreak,
Oh, we don't need no lecture from you, Mr, High and Mighty,
Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours, little lady, before l bounce you off the wall!
Look, l would appreciate it if you would take this outside, please,
Hey, l'd appreciate it if you'd go and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy,
Jewy? l'm not Jewish, And l don't think that making fun of the,,,
- Don't pay attention to him, He's nuts, - l'm nuts?
- Who do you think you are? - Look, can we please take this outside?
Oh, come on,
You know what you are? You're a filthy, little tramp,
Me? What about you and that waitress?
- Keep going, - l never touched her ever,
- Swear? - So help me God,
You swear on your mama's life?
Hell, woman, l ain't gonna swear on my mama's life,
- Why not? lf you're telling the truth, - l think he's telling the truth, Audrey,
Then why won't you swear on your mama's life?
Well, because l don't feel like l have the right
to gamble with my mama's life, that's why,
Gamble? But apparently you got nothing to worry about
unless you're lying like a hunk of morgue meat,
Hey, l ain't gonna sit here and get called a liar by no skankin' whore!
Who you calling a whore, you shrimp-dick bastard?!
Audrey, see now you're just provoking him,
That's a vicious, flat-out, bold-faced lie and you know it!
- ls it? ls it? l don't think so! - l'll whip it out right now!
- No, no, no, l don't wanna see it, - l'm gonna whip it out right now
and prove to you that she's a lying slut!
- Keep your meat in the fridge! - You wanna see my piece?
- All right, All right! That is enough! - Go get me a ruler, Tom! You go get,,,
That is it, l don't care if you have a tiny shrimp dick!
- Or a giant whale dick, which that's,,, - Goddamn it, Audrey!
You tell him you're a liar or l'm gonna smash your face in, l swear!
- Wait a minute! You put that down! - All right, Can we please just use fists?
- Come here, you little,,, (slap)) - You hit me, you bastard!
- l did not and you know it! - He hit me!
He hit me as sure as l'm standing right here!
- Did you hit her, Spike? - Yes,
With an open hand, lt was with an open hand,
- So what if it's open? - You can't,,,
- Then it don't count, - Says who?
Says anyone, Ask the Jew,
All right, that's it, You two have got to leave,
All right, that's fine, But she is not coming with me,
You are not welcome in the double ride,
Fine, l don't care, l don't need your lousy trailer, l'll stay right here with Tom,
- Fine, Stay with Tom, - l'll stay right here,
Wait a minute, Whoa, Guys, you need to try to work this thing out,
- He hit me! He knocked me on my can! - l know, l know,
Well, but it was with an open hand after all, and,,,
Relationships have their ups and downs, you guys,
and you don't want to ruin this great,,,
(yelping))
Oh, God, The bird, OJ!
Oh, my God,
(continues yelping))
- (squeals)) - Oh,
You come back here or Tom's gonna kick your butt! So take that!
(revs engine)) Ooh, l'm shaking in my boots, baby!
Look at those two, OJ,
(phone ringing))
(Spike)) Oh, l ain't running away, dummy!
- Hello? - (Lisa)) Hi, Tom. How are ya?
- Hey, Lisa, l'm great, l'm great, - (squawks))
- ls that OJ? - Yeah, yeah.
- We just had a little drink of water, - l haven't heard him squawk in years,
Oh, yeah, He's quite the crazy bird, you know,
Yeah. Anyway, Tom, I just wanted you to know
how much I appreciate you helping me out tonight.
But l'd like to crash at a friend's place tonight after the party,
Would you think it was horrible if l asked you to stay the whole night tonight?
Oh, well,,, l-l don't think your dad would want me staying here,
- Please? - Yeah, l suppose l could stay,
Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate it. See you tomorrow. (hangs up))
(Audrey)) l ain't afraid of you and Tom sure as hell ain't scared neither!
Butthead! Loser!
(tires screeching))
Oh, my God, Thank God he's gone, Hey, so is it OK if l stay here tonight?
Oh, man, it's,,, it's not even my house,
Oh, yeah,
OK, Well, l sure as hell don't want any charity,
l mean, it's not like you owe me anything, so,,,
And l'm sorry about that whole office thing,
l know that you didn't mean to get me fired,
- Yeah, You didn't deserve to get fired, - Thanks,
OK,
Well, l guess l'll just go try to find a homeless shelter then,
- Wait a second, - Yeah?
(sighs)) God,
- Look, l suppose you can stay, - Really? Oh! Thanks, Tom,
You're the best, Oh, and l'll clean up the kitchen, OK?
- OK, - OK, OK,
- (doorbell) - (knocking))
(Tom)) Yeah, One second,
- (knocking)) - There's somebody at the door,
Hi, Uh, can l help you?
Vasquez sent me here to pick up a package,
Oh, you're the,,, Yeah, yeah, yeah, Red told me you might be stopping by,
Uh,,, Oh, hi, l'm Tom,
What is this, Oprah ? Just give me the goddamn package,
Oh, OK, Yeah, Um,,,
l think this is it,
lf this ain't kosher, l'm gonna break his thumbs,
Oh, well, by law, it should be stamped right on the package there,
- (. classical) - What,,,
(squawks))
- Oh, Dinnertime, buddy, - (. classical continues))
OJ,,, today's specials include a scrumptious buffet of mice kebabs,
- (squawks)) - (gasps)) Aah! Shit! Ah,,, crap!
You son of a bitch,
- (squeaks)) - Ha,
(grunts))
- (chuckles)) l got you now, buddy, - (squealing))
(gasps)) Aah!
Aah! (groans))
(squawks))
- Dude, that was cool, - Oh, my God,
- Tommy, easy on the antiques, - (squawking))
- Was that an owl? - Yes, OJ got out, How is he flying?
- Well, he is a bird, - He,,, no, Jack said that he,,,
Aw, shit! l gotta find him,
Don't worry, He'll probably come back when he's hungry,
No, l have to find him or l'm gonna lose my job! You know what?
This isn't gonna help your chances of getting your job back either,
OK,
- Where the hell is he? - Tom, relax,
- Relax? OJ's loose! - (gasping%screaming))
- This is no time to relax! - Tom! He's right over here!
- Right there, right there, right there! - OJ!
- Right there! - OJ!
Stop! No, no, Stop, Stop,
OJ, OJ,,,
Get up, What the hell you doing on my property? Planning to rob me?
No, l-l was just looking for,,,
Yeah, yeah, l see what you're looking for, You got a thing for young girls, eh?
No,
Then why do you keep eyeing my wife, you perv?
Your,,, no, l wasn't looking, l,,,
Arthur, are you gonna be back soon? l need you to spot me,
Just give me a minute, honey,
- Oh,,, Please don't kill me, - l'm not gonna kill you, OK,
lf you let me live, l'll give you my most valued possession, Here, take it,
You know what that is, don't you?
- Evander Holyfield's ear, - What?
The part of the ear that Mike Tyson bit off and spit out,
- But it's white, - So?
- So, shouldn't it be black? - Well, if it's still on his head, sure,
But anybody knows that a severed ear loses its color,
- No, - Sheryl?
- Yeah? - What happens to an ear
- if it's severed from your head? - lt changes color, Duh,
- (thud) - (Sheryl) Ow! Damn!
- (Audrey)) Tina, give me a beer, - (man laughs))
- (Tina)) Oops, - (man)) You have got to be kidding me,
- (Audrey)) Try another one, - (Tina)) Come on, you guys!
- (clatter) - (Tina)) Party!
- Come on, let's go! - Audrey,,,
- What the hell is going on in here? - Heads up,
Who are these people?
l invited some friends over to help us look for the owl,
And Darryl even fixed the table in the hall,
- Thank you, - He won't even know it was broken,
- (bottle breaks)) - (man)) Air ball,
We'll get that later, Everyone, this is Tom,
- Yo, Tom, - Hi, guys,
You guys, Tom's a real good guy and his nuts are gonna just,,,
Audrey, could you,,,
- What? - Listen, l appreciate all your help,
But could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?
- All of them or just the colored guy? - No, all of them,
Ooh, that's smart, That way the colored guy won't take it personal,
- l have nothing against,,, Look, - What?
l am responsible for this house
and l can't have all of these people hanging around,
OK, all right, l got it, You guys, let's move it out,
- Aw, l was just getting started, - Good idea,
Thanks, guys, That's great,
- (Tina)) What about the cake? - Don't worry, they're all good people,
They're not gonna steal nothing or drink too much like the lndians,
Look,,, just make sure they stay outside,
- OK? - OK,
(door opens%shuts))
- Lisa? - Hi, Tom,
Uh, you're home? Why are you home?
lt's not worth going into, l got in a huge fight with Hans,
Oh, So,,, it's over?
lt's my own fault for dating a guy my dad likes,
Really?
Yeah, he's one of his top marketing execs, You know, Harvard Law,
Comes from a good family, top of the tennis letter at the country club,
- Tom, can l talk to you for a second? - Audrey?
Yeah, She came to, uh, talk to your dad,
OK, l'm gonna go in my room, You could stay if you want,
OK,
- Tom? - Audrey, l'll be right there, OK?
OK,
- Or you could go, - You know, maybe we could talk,,,
,,,later,
Here, How about this one?
- What's going on? - We found the owl!
- Where is he? - Uh, well, he got away,
- Where'd he go? - He hopped somewhere in the bushes,
- That's right, - What are you doing?
Getting hamburger meat, That's a good way to lure birds,
- They like hamburger meat? - l don't know, l've never had a bird,
- But most animals respond to meat, - lt's a fact,
Wanna help me separate the meat?
Speed, tell Tom about the Kennedy assassination,
This is so cool, Tom, 'cause Speed knows who killed JFK,
No, ask him! Tom, ask him,
- Ask him who killed him, - All right, All right,
- Who killed JFK? - Desi Arnaz,
- Oh, - His life just changed,
(squeaking))
Oh,
Oh, God, Oh,,, oh,,, oh,,,
- Tom! - (gasps)) Shit, Lisa,
- Uh, what are you doing in here? - This is my closet,
Oh, Oh,,, uh, l had something in my pants,
Um, l was feeding the mouse to the bird and he, uh, ran down my pants,
- (mice squeaks)) - l'm sorry that, uh,,,
Oh, look! There it is! That way! The bedroom,
- (Lisa)) Whoa, Watch out! - Aah! (groans))
- Oh, my gosh, Are you OK? - Yep, Yep, l'm good,
Don't worry, we'll get it later,
Oh, here, Let me help you,
You know, l'm really glad you stayed, l needed a good laugh tonight,
Thanks, Wow, Yeah, could l make a bigger ass out of myself?
- (chuckling)) Do you want some wine? - Uh, no, thanks,
Yeah, sure,
- Cheers, - Cheers,
Oh, my God, ls that signed by Walter Payton?
Yeah, ''Sweetness'', '85 Bears, Only the greatest team ever to play the game,
Shut up, Walter Payton, Jim McMahon, Mike Singletary,
You know what? You may be the coolest girl ever,
- You like football? - Yeah, l love it,
l didn't know you guys liked football,
Yeah, No, me and Paul watch the game every Sunday,
- Paul, too? - Yeah,
- Oh, - (chuckles))
Oh, what's that?
Oh, it's nothing, lt's just something l used to do,
That is really good, l didn't know you were an artist,
l used to be, but l couldn't get any more of my friends to pose nude for me,
- You wouldn't be interested, would you? - Uh,,,
You're blushing, l was just joking,
l'm not blushing, l just-l just get red from time to time,
You are so funny,
No, seriously, you should really pursue this, l mean, you're good,
l would, but it doesn't really fit in with my father's plan for me,
Future of Midnight Owl Publishing,
- (mice squeaks)) - Oh, look! There it is,
- He's right there, Through the door, - We'll get him, We'll get him,
- Whoa! Watch out! - (groans))
- Are you OK? - Your dad's gonna kill me,
No, don't worry about it, lt's my brother's, My dad won't care,
Oh, Red,
- Oh, so Dad told you? - About what?
- The restraining order, - How's that?
Yeah, Red's not allowed within 1 00 yards of me, my dad, or this house,
He,,, uh, he didn't-he didn't mention that,
Red's a freak, You don't want to be around my dad if he finds out
anyone was in this house, especially Red,
lt's like wherever he is, there's trouble,
l mean, one time, he had this big party 'cause Dad was out of town
and my dad came home early,,,
Hey, uh,,, you know, since the mouse is gone, what say we, uh, go back inside?
OK,
(grunts))
(both screaming))
(. synthesizer)
- lt was up for an Oscar? l hated it! - l know! (laughing))
Oh, l hated that movie! Man, l can't believe you,
You're like,,, you're so different from how you are at work,
What am l gonna do? Like, walk around with my Walter Payton jersey?
No, no, l get it, lt's, like, at work you have to be Lisa Taylor:
the, you know, loyal employee to the family firm,
And l have to be,,, Tom,,,
Tom Stansfield: the guy who will do anything for anybody,
Yup, That's me,
l swear, it's like l can just talk to you about anything,
l know, exactly, lt's,,,
- Yeah, this is crazy, - Yeah, it is,
l guess it's because there's no attraction between us, you know?
Yeah,
You know, there's none of that sexual tension,
- Yeah, - lt's like l'm with a girlfriend,
- lt's great, isn't it? - Yeah,
l mean, maybe we could go to the mall sometime and go shopping,
- That would be fun! Wouldn't it be fun? - Yeah,
Wait, you have to listen to this song,
Come on, l need someone to dance with!
- You don't want to see me dance, - (. ''You Make Me Feel Like Dancing')
- Come on, dance with me, - l have no idea what l'm doing,
Come on, Put your hands together, Yeah! Now go underneath,
- What,,, like this? - Yeah!
- Like that? - Yeah! (squeals))
Hold on, hold on, Watch, watch, watch,
- (pants rip)) - Oh,
- Yeah! Oh,,, - l'm trying to do too much,
(laughing)) Oh! Yeah!
- (squealing)) - l'm a dancer,
- Catch me, - Oh,,, what?
(squeals))
- l got you! - Whoa!
Whoa,,, (chuckles))
OK, l am doomed,
Here,
(. ''Better Man'' by Martina Sorbara))
Oh, l love this song,
My friend Jenny does this really wild strip routine
for her boyfriend to this song, lt's super sexy, Even you'd appreciate it,
l wish l could be like her, you know? She's so free and everything,
(giggles))
(giggling))
So, what do you think?
Ah, it's,,, it's, uh, very nice,
So if you weren't gay, this would turn you on, right?
- Gay? Who said l was gay? - My father, You mean it's not true?
- No! - No? God, l'm so embarrassed!
- l can't believe you'd let me do this! - l didn't mean to,,, l mean, um,,,
Why would your father say that l'm gay?
l don't know, Well, you can't blame him entirely, l mean, you are a little feminine,
- (gasps)) - Don't be hurt,
lt's OK,
Hans is a bit of feminine, too,
What exactly did Hans do anyway?
Well, it's not like he did just one thing,
lt's more about trust,
Yeah, Trust is,,, it's important,
Trust is everything,
l don't know, Maybe it's me, lt's like l'm just sending out some kind of vibe,
- l can't attract a decent guy, - No,
- What's wrong with me? - Don't even worry about it,
You're gonna find another guy so fast,
l mean, look at you, You're amazing,
- You really think so? - Why do you think l'm here tonight?
Oh, God, Tom,
You didn't know, You thought that,,,
(door opens))
Uh,,, uh,,, l'm gonna,,, l'll be right back,
l'm just gonna go and check and see if Audrey needs towels,
Tom, you don't have to lie to me,
lf you have to go to the bathroom, go take a crap and come back,
(chuckles))
(clatter)
What the,,, hey! What the hell are you doing here, man?
(grunts))
You try to bone Vasquez out of 20 grand and you ask me what l'm doing?
You think l work for Mrs, Fields? You think my boss likes to bake cookies?
- Whoa! What are you doing? Come on, - You tried to sell me flour,
Flour? l-l don't even know what you're talk,,, What are you,,, Come on!
Look, l'm just housesitting for my boss,
- Who's your boss? - Jack Taylor,
Jack Taylor, huh? l did time in Joliet with a Jack Taylor,
Average height, medium hair, horrible case of folliculitis on his ass?
- l wouldn't know about the folliculitis, - l thought you said he was your boss,
- He is, - And you never saw his ass?
- Why would l see my boss's ass? - lt stands to reason,
You work for a guy long enough, sooner or later,
you're gonna get a glimpse of his ass,
Listen, l-l don't know what line of work you're in,
but l've never seen my boss's ass,
Hey, man,,,
Hey! Hey, stop it or l'm gonna call the cops!
And tell them what? Your drug deal went bad?
You rat me out, l'm gonna carve you up like a turkey
and beat your kids with what's left of you,
- l don't have any kids, - l can wait,
(. cell phone ringing ''Fur Elise'' by Beethoven))
Excuse me, Hello? Right, OK,
Tommy, let's get clear on something,
ln the next 60 minutes, l'm gonna bring Vasquez what he paid for
or your gift-wrapped nuts,
(door shuts))
- Oh, hi, Tom, What's going on? - Yeah, That's what l wanna know,
What's going on with your dad's gift? See,,, Do you see that guy?
He was gonna kill me!
Don't you think you're overreacting a little, Tom?
Overreacting? The guy had a knife! l don't think that l am overreacting!
He probably just had the wrong address,
l mean, there's gotta be over a dozen Jack Taylor's in Chicago alone,
l'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom, You tell me if the guy shows up again,
All right, All right, You listen to me,
You're not even supposed to be in this house,
Says who?
l know about the restraining order, Red,
Restraining-shmaining, l mean, that's just a big misunderstanding,
(Audrey)) Tom! lt's OJ!
(overlapping chatter)
(Audrey and friends)) Oh,,,
- Whoa, Hey, Who are you? - l'm here to see Lisa, My name's Hans,
- ls that so shocking? - No,
What, you surprised she'd go out with someone like me?
No, no, lt's not,,,
Give me a break, man, You oughta be ashamed of yourself,
Let me tell you something, There are a lot of girls out there
who can see past the fact that l just happen to be,,,
a few pounds overweight,
(crying)) You know, inside l'm just like everyone else,
- Let me get you a tissue, - Thank you,
- l'm on the second day of a new diet, - Hey, uh, Hans,,,
- l gave up chocolate, - l'm really sorry,
l think that, uh, we just got off on the wrong foot,
Oh,,, uh,,, lt's good to meet you, Hans, l'm Tom,
l, uh,,, (clears throat)
l'm just a friend of Lisa's,
Oh, great, Well, maybe you can help me, ls she here? Lisa! Lisa!
Whoa, Hans, you know what?
Maybe right now isn't a great time for you to see Lisa,
What say, uh, we get you a drink?
Oh, OK, Yeah, she's probably really upset,
You see, we got in a misunderstanding tonight and, well, she left me,
- Wow, that's unfortunate, - Yeah,
Uh, what happened?
Well, l think seeing me naked from behind like that kind of shocked her,
Oh, So, tonight was the first time,
Yeah, Tonight was the first time, lt was awesome,
l mean, l was lying up on the bed like this with one leg straight up in the air,
- l don't think l really need to see,,, - And l had a handful of ass right here,,,
- Whoa, - ,,,and l had a handful of this,
Hans, please, Whoa, God, you're,,, that's,,,
- And that's when Lisa walked in, - What?
She caught me in the bed with a blonde,
What?
Aw, come on, man, Tell me you haven't ever wanted to do it with a,,,
Hans, Hans, No,,, you cheated on her,
You know something, Tom? You're right,
Aw, l guess that was cheating, And now l've gone and lost everyone,
l should have known from the start it wasn't right,
She kept telling me l reminded her of her dad,
Hans, you gotta realize that this is over, you know?
And you gotta put an end to it, and-and move on,
- And get yourself to a better place, OK? - Yes,
- l think you know what l mean, - Yeah, l do know what you mean,
And l'm ready, l know what l have to do,
Well, l guess this is good-bye,
- (squawking)) - OJ!
(Hans)) Thanks, Tom,
(Tom)) OJ, come back!
(dog barks))
OJ!
(squawks))
Hello, You must be Julie's date, Come in, Come in,
Actually l'm just here looking for a bird,
Make yourself at home, Albert, Julie's still getting ready,
- No, actually, uh, my name is Tom, - l'm sorry, l'm hard of hearing,
- Could you speak up, please? - (shouts)) My name is Tom!
l could've sworn Julie said your name was Albert,
No, see, l'm afraid that you're mistaken,
- ls someone here? - Yes, This is Julie's date, Albert,
- Ah! Ah! - This is my nephew, George,
- He's blind and crippled, - Oh, Uh,,, (shouts)) nice to meet you,
l'm not deaf,
Excuse me, l'll go see what's keeping Julie, She's probably nervous,
So you're Julie's date, huh?
No, l'm just,,, l just came here, l was looking for an owl,
(laughs)) You don't have to make lame excuses,
Listen, do you know what the advantage is in being a cripple?
No, l can't say that l do,
You don't really care to hear much what l have to say, do you?
No, no, lt's not that, l'm,,,
You know what? Go ahead, l'm listening,
Sit down, Tom,
You know what l gained by becoming a quad?
What, are you shaking your head? l can't see, you know!
l'm sorry, Uh,,, uh,,, Tell me what you gained,
l no longer need my Viagra,
Now l can maintain my arousal for hours,
That's-that's great, l guess things have a way
of evening themselves out in the long run, huh?
No, not really, And do you know why?
No, why?
Because l am a blind, quad freak, you moron!
What, you think women dig this?!
- l mean, you think women go,,, - Well, hello,
,,,''l wanna give that mutant freak my number''?
- Ken Morehouse, l'm Julie's dad, - Hey, nice to meet you,
ls, uh, George boring you with his self-pitying tripe?
- Tripe,,, - No, not at all,
''l'm blind, l'm crippled, Boohoo-hoo,''
Leave the room, l wanna talk to Albert alone for a second,
- l can stay if l want, - Leave the room!
- OK, OK, - Get out!
- You don't have to be huffy about it! - Get out now! Get out!
- OK, - Turn it, turn it, turn it,
- Oh, for God's sakes, - (clatter)
- l'm so sorry, - (George)) Who the hell put that there?
- (cat meows)) - (thud)
My daughter's gonna be a few minutes, Have a-Have a seat, Albert,
- Tom, - No, Ken,
- Right, You're Ken, - Yes,
Before you say anything, Albert, l just want you to know that Julie
is really self-conscious about her appearance since the,,, the accident,
- (door shuts)) - Right,,,
- Oh, Julie, - Julie, this is Albert, Albert, Julie,
- lt's nice to meet you, Albert, - Wow, lt's,,, wow,
lt's nice to meet you, too, But, the thing is, is that l'm not Albert,
- That is to say that l'm not your date, - Oh,,
There's been a giant misunderstanding,
- Oh, how could you? - (crying)) l knew this would happen!
No, l'm telling the truth,
Julie wasn't pretty enough for you, Mr, GQ? ls that it?
- No, you don't understand, - Oh, l understand, Fabio,
- You broke that poor girl's heart, - No, no, See, l'm not,,,
Do you think Julie is an idiot? Do you think she bought your little fairy tale
Mr, l'm Too Sexy for my medical booties?
- Oh, th,,, - Get the hell out of here,
Or l'll kick your pretty-boy ass to kingdom come,
- Am l interrupting something? - No, it's just that the,,,
- (squawks)) - (grunts))
Tom, there's two things that we need to talk about,
What?
First of all, l don't wanna wear these booties anymore,
- No one else is wearing the booties, - Fine,
- What's the other thing? - Tina thinks she's got cancer,
- Do you feel it? - Uh, l'm just,,,
- What's supposed to be there? l don't,,, - See, Tina?
Move your hand to the left, Now move it around,
Uh-huh,
- Don't you feel anything? - Yeah, l mean, no, no,
No, it seems to be,,, Well,,,
Tina, your breast is no different than mine, OK?
- lt is, There's no comparison, - Tom, feel my breast and compare,
Now, do you detect any difference between our breasts?
- Well,,, You gotta slow down a little, - lt sure feels good,
- Well, yours is a,,, - (door opens))
- Lisa, this isn't what it looks like, - l believed everything you said,
l'm,,,
lt was all just a bunch of lines, wasn't it?
No, no, Lisa, it was all,,, l swear to you, l meant every word,
This is,,, nothing's going on here,
Great, Tom, l'm glad you think l'm a complete idiot,
No, no, l'm telling you, l was just checking these girls for breast cancer,
- You make me sick, - No,,, Lisa, wait!
- She's never gonna forgive me, - Of course she will,
ls this the first time you cheated on her?
Yeah, No! l,,, yeah,,, wait,
l didn't cheat on her, l mean, you were there for God's sakes!
Look, l know that you didn't cheat on her,
- l mean, you were a little grabby, but,,, - l,,,
Look, don't you think we should just find the owl
and worry about your little ''affair'' later?
l,,, l am get,,, l'm getting angry and l don't get angry,
- Ugh! - Hey, Speed?
Hey, can l ask you a question?
- What are you,,, l thought you left, - l did,,, to get this,
- All right, Why is the fire going? - Cozy, isn't it?
- All right, You put that down, - Make me,
All right,
Hey! Hey! Put the crowbar down!
Or l will blow your ass to fucktown!
That's right,
- Don't you ever threaten me, - But,,, l got a gun,
- What are you doing? - Well, Tommy, we both have guns,
Only difference is, you don't have the guts to use yours,
Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so sure?
Oh, l'm sure,
(trickling))
Oh! Oh,,, Jesus! What the,,, What are you, out of your mind?
- (phone ringing)) - Stop that! Are you crazy, man?!
(chimes))
- Hello? - (Taylor) Stansfield. Anything to report?
Sir! Uh, everything's great, l got,,, everything's under control,
- Did OJ get enough water? - (TJ)) Whoa!
Uh, OJ,,, What? Oh, yes,
Uh, Jack, could you hold on? l'm gonna shoot your pecker off,
I don't plan on being away the entire weekend.
- l hate you! l hate you! - It's possible I may be
coming home early, so make sure that everything's in order.
Jesus!
Oh, something I forgot to tell you.
- Sir? - The fishtank. It's a little low.
- l'm taking care of that right now, - Good.
When I get back, I want to talk to you about that position in Creative.
- Aah! - Don't get excited yet.
I didn't say you had the job. We'll discuss it.
Uh, thank you, sir, Uh, great, Bye,
Holy shit!
l just,,,
Boy, l'm tapped out, You got anything to drink?
ln the kitchen, Thanks,
Dammit!
Whoa! What the hay happened in here? Tom, did you have a little accident?
You might wanna try a few Kegels, Kinda tighten it up down there,
- That's it! - l'm doing 'em right now, And release,
Well, when in Rome,,,
- (trickling)) - . Oh, Canada
''Jack Taylor, Rectacid, Apply liberally to buttocks as needed
to reduce redness and other symptoms of folliculitis,''
Son of a bitch,
- Did you piss yourself? - No, l did not piss myself,
- Looks like you did, - Well, l didn't,
lt was that maniac downstairs,
We gotta stop him before he tears this house apart,
You know what you gotta do? Give him one of these little babies,
- What's that? - lt's a sleeping pill,
l got 'em from Speed, Here, So strong, so be careful,
- lt's powerful stuff, - Here, Just one,
Be careful,
Hey, Excuse me,
You know, l just wanted to apologize for pulling that gun on you earlier,
That was totally out of line,
Hey, you know, l don't even know your name,
- l'm TJ, - TJ? That's nice,
l guess maybe l was out of line by pissing all over everything,
Man,,, that was funny, (laughs))
Yeah, l've always enjoyed a good prank, What are you drinking there?
Whiskey, You want some?
There's plenty of booze around here, that's for sure,
Yeah, l'll take a shot of bourbon,
- Oh, my God! Wow! - What?
Whoa! Look at those two blondes going at,,,
- Oh, wait, are there three of them? - Where?
They're going at it right up there on the second floor,
- Where are you looking? - Right th,,, uh,,, Oh, man, they left,
(chuckles))
Damn, l was all psyched up for some action,
Lesbians are very special,
Oh,,, Hey, l'll drink to that, huh?
- Cheers, - All right,
Mmm,
- (grunts)) - Oh, are you,,,
- Whoa, - Here, Why don't l,,,
- (glass breaks)) - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
(steps on glass))
- Whoa, - (gong))
- Audrey? - (babbling))
Audrey!
(gasps)) Oh, my God! He's like a human vibrator,
What,,, All right, what is wrong with him?
- l don't know, Did you slip him the pill? - Yes,
Then that must be it then,
You didn't give him the pill with whiskey, did you?
- Yeah, - Oh, no!
- You're not supposed to mix the two, - Audrey, you did not tell me that!
Everyone knows that you're not supposed to mix booze with pills!
- Come on! - OK, ls he gonna be OK?
Don't worry, He'll be fine, l used to be a paramedic,
- Tom? l think l found OJ, - OJ? l don't care about,,,
We have a situation here, Audrey, call 91 1 !
- l'm telling ya, he'll be fine, - Are you sure?
- He just needs some rest, l'm positive, - OK, You watch TJ, Use this,
lt's not loaded, but he doesn't know that,
- (doorbell) - Oh, man!
- Oh, hey, - Julie,
- From,,, yeah, - Down the block, That's right,
You mind if l come in?
(Audrey)) All right, You grab his ankles,,,
Why don't we go to that room over there?
- (Speed) OK, yeah, l got this end, - (Audrey)) Man, he's heavy,
Do you mind if l sit down?
- Uh,,, yeah, Sure, - Thank you,
Oh, hey, Sorry to butt in, Hi, l'm Red,
- Hi, it's nice to meet you, - Nice to meet ya,
Anyway, l realized you were telling the truth when my real date showed up,
- Of course he didn't stick around, - Well, that guy is a bum,
Well, l'm sure that had nothing to do with you,
No, l know it did,
l've never had any guys attracted to me, even before the accident,
Now that cannot be true,
Well,,, about six months ago, l was hitchhiking
and a trucker tried to rape me, but other than that,,,
Come on, You're gonna tell me, you never had a real boyfriend?
Well, once, but l think he just felt sorry for me,
Oh, well, uh,,, how long did that last?
Um,,, about six years and then one day, he just left,
- Another woman? - No, He got hit by a bus,
(Red) Well, see that's not your fault,
Well, he didn't seem to try very hard to avoid the bus,
l think he just wanted out of the relationship,
Julie, why don't you sit in this chair?
Oh, geez, l'm starting to feel a bit woozy,
(blood squishes))
OK, All right, l have to go find OJ,
So, Red, if you could watch things for me, that'd be great,
Got ya,
Look, l think you're being way too hard on yourself,
l mean, besides, l bet there've been a lot of guys who've been attracted to you,
No, he was the only one,
What about that trucker? l mean, he was obviously attracted to you,
(sighs)) l think the trucker probably would have raped anyone,
l doubt that, You were probably pretty special to him,
(chuckles)) So sweet of you, Red,
l'm not just jerking your chain either, l mean it,
- (giggles)) - Yeah, (chuckles))
- What are you doing to the lawn? - lt's OK, Tom, We just had to bury TJ,
Bury,,, what? You mean, he's,,,
You said he was gonna be OK! l thought you were a paramedic,
- Well, l took a course, - You took,,, you-you guy,,,
You can't just bury him, you guys!
Well, we're not gonna put him in my car,
- (Audrey)) That's right, - All right, Forget it, l'm calling 91 1 ,
- That's for emergencies, - What do you think this is?
The guy's dead, ln 20 minutes, he's still gonna be dead,
- There's no sense of urgency here, - (chuckles))
No, we have to call the cops and report it!
- And tell 'em what? - The truth! That there was a,,, accident,
- They might not see it that way, - Let's face it, Tom, You did kill him,
- You gave me the pill, - Hey, l didn't tell you to kill nobody, OK?
Well, you didn't tell me not to use the whiskey!
- Well, if you'd listen to me,,, - You didn't say anything about whiskey!
- (whistles)) - l would think you would listen to me!
There's no time for blame games,
Why don't you spread around some leaves? Make it look good,
l am not gonna help you conceal a dead body!
Hey, you know what? Don't you think we should say something?
- What? - You know what? She's right,
Some kind of last rites or eulogy or something like that?
- l'm so screwed, - We should say something,
Fine, fine, You know what? Say something, Get,,, just make it quick,
Lord, this day we lay to rest TJ, who was, uh,,,
- l really didn't know him, - l don't know him,
l mean, Tom, you know him the best, Why don't you say something?
- Me? - Yeah,
All l know is that the guy was a violent, sadistic goon that was into lesbians,
Amen,
- Tom? - Lisa,
- l can't believe you're still here, - Listen, please,
You have to let me explain,
Look, Tom, Tonight was just a big mistake, That's all there is to it,
No, you,,, that,,, what you saw with the girls, all that was was weird timing,
Red? What's Red doing here?
Red? Oh, uh, Red was in the neighborhood
and he-and he stopped by,
But, you see, nothing really bad happened tonight,
- ls he the reason OJ's gone? - No, No, uh,,, OJ got loose,
And that's a little problem, But we're gonna find him,
And we're looking for him, so,,,
What's this?
Oh, uh, Tom killed a guy and we're burying the body,
- OK, that was bad, - Aah!
OK, well, now you're overreacting, lt's not,,,
- Oh! - Aah!
(all yelling))
All right, all right, hey,
Anybody moves, there's gonna be a big hole where her brain used to be,
Yeah, Go ahead, shoot,
Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!
What are you waiting for?! Waste the bitch!
- Tom! - No, l don't give a shit!
- Hey, l'm not joking, asshole, - Yeah?
Pull the trigger, Come on, Come on!
l think you're just all talk,
Looks like we both got guns,
Who's gonna shoot first this time?
(chuckles))
(groans))
(Red) Well, that should do it,
Tom! You are so brave,
No, no, lt's not even that big of a deal, This gun's not even loaded,,,
- (gunshot) - (grunt)
(man)) What the hell is going on?
l never should have doubted you, You risked your life for me,
Audrey found some bullets in the kitchen and l may have reloaded it,
Yeah, l did,
Yo, excuse me, Does anyone here know a Jack Taylor?
Why?
This dude just called, said if l don't pick him up at the train station in 1 5 minutes,
l'm out of a job, What do you suppose that means?
Oh, my God,
That's what l thought, 'cause l ain't got no job,
- He's coming home early, - OK, don't worry about it,
l'll take care of everything, OK? Trust me, Just don't drive too fast,
Got it,
And, um, maybe you should put that away,
Oh, God,
(. ''Go Home'' by Barenaked Ladies))
Ooh,
(squeaks))
(sighs))
(. whistling))
l knew that was you,
(beer bottles clank)
(Taylor) As long as we're in Thailand for the meeting on Monday afternoon,
Yeah, We can pick it up when we refuel in Hawaii,
Hey, uh, do you wanna stop and, uh, get something to drink,
go to the bathroom or something?
We'll take the departmental heads now
and the Creative team in a couple of weeks,
(squeaks))
That's the agenda up to lunch, then there's lunch,,,
(squawking))
- OK, And then,,, - (squawks))
- (horns honk) - (tires screech))
OK, OK,
OK, fine,
- Stansfield, what are you doing? - Nothing, sir,
Hold on a moment, please,
Stansfield,,, why don't you just concentrate on the driving
and let me get on with making my call,
- Wait! - What is it now, Stansfield?
Oh, nothing, sir, Almost home,
- Hey, How'd this get in there? - Oh, be careful with that,
l will, Good thing l found it,
There's several ways to properly dispose of a handgun,
none of which include putting it in a garbage bag,
(cop over megaphone)) Freeze! Police! Freeze!
Let go of the girl and put your hands in the air!
You're completely surrounded, TJ!
Put down your weapons and put your hands on you head!
No, you guys, Wait, He's not TJ, l'm Lisa Taylor, This is my dad's house,
Ma'am, we've received numerous reports
from this neighborhood: theft, gunfire,,,
All right, Look, l know you probably think we may have killed somebody,
but Tom didn't know he poisoned the guy,
and we thought he was dead when we buried him, But he seems OK now,
His head's just a little bloody from where we hit him with the shovel,
And l swear when Tom shot the gun off, he didn't think it was loaded
'cause l put the bullets back in, so if you'll all just step inside,
you'll see there's nobody dead here,
He may have had the wind knocked out of him temporarily,
but with a little first aid, l think he'll be just fine,
(screaming))
- (screams)) - (screams))
Holy mother of God!
(Lisa)) Hans!
Yes, l see, l see,
- (squeaks)) - OK, fine,
- (squawking)) - Whoa!
Could you say that again? You're breaking up!
One moment, please, OJ!
(tires screeching))
l just can't understand why you would do this, Hans, what were you thinking?
He'll be fine, He may complain about a sore throat,
but he's in a lot better shape than this chandelier,
Well, l'd hate to be here when the owner gets back,
You can say that again,
- (man)) Whoa! - (car horn))
- Tom! Daddy! - What do we got?
- What was that? - Watch the glass, OK, everybody?
- Let's get 'em out of the car, - Oh, my God! Daddy!
- Everybody, stay back and remain calm, - (Lisa)) Are you all right?
That's him, That's the one spying on me through the bushes,
He shot the bullet right through my Julie's bedroom window,
Here, Tell 'em, Julie,
You guys, Tom wants the body in here,
- (TJ)) Take it easy, Put me down, - (gasps))
Stansfield, what have you done?
Lisa, pack your things, You're coming with me to Thailand,
No!
Get his ass out of here,
lt's funny you should mention the word ''ass'', Jack,
Why don't we start by talking about yours,
Excuse me?
Lisa, your father is not who you think he is,
The whole publishing operation, lt's a great cover,
Now how'd you do it? What'd you do? Did you hollow out the books?
Oh, and locating the plant in Thailand, lt's genius!
- What are you talking about? - What am l,,, Jack,
You know, l-l would've believed you, Jack,,, until l met this man,
who seems to know a lot about ya,
Recognize this? l hear it's very effective in relieving folliculitis,
l don't have folliculitis,
He's given me no choice,
- He's given me no choice! - Tom, what are you doing?
- This is insane! - Yeah? Take a look at your dad's ass,
- No! - Then tell me l'm insane, huh?
- (all) Oh! Ooh! - Huh? Huh? Look at it!
Look at it! Huh? Huh?
- Ooh,,, - What?
(man)) Oh, that's nasty,
l told you l don't have folliculitis, you blithering idiot,
Well, guys, the ointment must have worked,
Let's go,
Wait! l have something to show ya,
(all) Oh!
(Hans)) What's with this movie and the ass cheeks?
My real name is Jack Taylor,,, Jr, Red is my nickname,
Now you know why, l'm the whole reason that TJ's here,
Goddamn it, Red, You've been dealing drugs out of my house!
No, Dad, l swear, l gave this guy a bag of flour,
l dumped a kilo of the real stuff down the toilet,
l'm finished dealing for good,
The lime green toilet with the wooden seat?
- Yeah, why? - (squawking))
(all) Ooh!
(all) Whoa!
Wait a second, He's flying,
He's flying,
(squawking))
(all) Whoa!
- (OJ squeals)) - (car horn))
- (tires screeching)) - (crash))
Get him out of my sight, Now, Lisa, let's go,
That's the one, He got my ear! Evander Holyfield's ear,
You have to right to remain silent, Anything you say can and,,,
Lisa, wait!
(Arthur) That's Holyfield's ear for God's sake,
(thunder rolling))
- (squawking)) - OJ?
OJ! Come to Daddy, How's my little boy?
(squawking))
- You're going with him? - What choice do l have? He needs me,
Are you actually feeling sorry for him?
He's manipulating you and you are buying it,
All right, fine, You do what you gotta do, l am gonna bail Tom out of jail,
With what? Your drug money?
No, no, no, l stole this out of Dad's safe,
Look, the important thing is, somebody has gotta help Tom,
You know that nothing that happened here last night was any of his fault,
lt's funny, The nicest guy in the world's the only one with enough balls
to stand up to Dad,
All he wanted to do was to spend some time with you,
Look what it gets him,
Classic Dad, l'm not allowed in the house, you're not allowed out of it,
He doesn't care about us, Only that stupid bird,
- Hey, Red, can l tell you something? - Sure,
l know this is gonna sound weird, but ever since l was a little kid,,,
l used to always wish that l was that stupid bird,
Aw,
(squawks))
Look, l think it's about time you talk to Dad,
At least tell him how you feel, You can do it,
(grunts))
(yells))
Don't you see, we have no reason to be afraid of him?
- Aah! - (screaming))
Aah!
(grunting)) Aah!
- (yells)) - (thud)
- Daddy! - Lisa, don't let him do this to you,
Lisa! Aah!
- Lisa! - Tom!
Red bailed me out,,, and told me you were here and l'm not letting you go,
- Yeah, but l'm,,, - No, You're gonna let me finish,
l went through hell last night and it was my fault 'cause l let people do it to me,
And now you're gonna make the same mistake,
- Yeah, but,,, - This isn't what you want,
This is what your father wants, And you know what?
Maybe you and l,,, never are gonna work, And that hurts,
But not as much as watching you be controlled by a ruthless tyrant
that would screw his own mother if he thought it'd help him get ahead,,,
Tom! l'm not going,
She's-she's not going,
ls this whole concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?
No, No,
All right, (chuckles))
Wha,,, l,,, What made you stay?
That,
- How did you guys,,, - We finally had our long overdue talk,
Then-then who's taking your place in Thailand?
- He is, - (gong))
- What's this? - (neck cracks)) Ow!
- l'm kidding, - l don't wanna go, l'm afraid,
Nonsense, Everyone knows that, uh,,,
Asian people are very intimidated by, uh,,,
- Tall men? - Canadians?
- Republicans? - Blacks?
- Henderson? - Yes, sir,
l won't have that kind of thinking in this company,
There's no room for racism here, You're fired,
Now, Tom, the point that l'm getting to is that with a big part of the team away,
l'm gonna want you to take over the Creative Department,
- Me? - No need to be modest,
l saw those ideas you left in the living room,
Your theory on the JFK thing, brilliant, And the moon landing, a hoax?
You're really on to something there,
That's the kind of thinking that's gonna sell books,
Uh, thank you, sir,
Bye, Daddy, Have a safe flight,
Well, Dad,,, that's fantastic, You promoted Tom,
Yeah, well, l figure anyone who's got the guts to piss on my Persian carpet
has gotta have what it takes, Stansfield!
(trickling))
- What the hell are you doing? - Just trying to get my job back, sir,
(. ''If I Had $ 1 000000'' by Barenaked Ladies))
- (Lisa squeals)) - (chuckles))
(Tom)) You know, after everything that happened, after all I went through,
I guess it was my lucky day. And I'm not the only one.
Based on Lisa and Red's suggestions,
Jack restructured the company from top to bottom.
Even instituting casual Fridays every day.
And last Friday was Henderson's 2 7th straight day on the job
without being fired.
OJ's back off the drugs and now he only drinks beer.
(burps))
(chuckles)) But he still has an occasional flashback.
(squawks))
Jack begged Audrey to come back, but she got a job
at, of all places, a coffee shop.
- Ew! - Ugh!
- Ew! - Ew!
This is terrible!
Hans succeeded in turning around the company's factory in Thailand.
But apparently he's still struggling to cope with the local customs.
- Back of bus! - Excuse me?
- You people belong back of bus, - That's an outrage!
Man, l'm not gonna let you treat me like that merely because l'm,,,
Smoking! Smokers belong back of bus!
(coughing))
As for me, with my new promotion,
I could at last write books based on my own experiences.
- So I did. - Thank you,
And Lisa was finally able to pursue a career that she loved.
You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression.:
''Why does everything bad always happen to me?''
Well, I don't get those people... 'cause I've learned that if they just stop
and look around, they'd realize that everything happens for a reason.
(. ''If I Had $ 1 000000'' by Barenaked Ladies continues))
(. ''Burn the Boats'' by Early Edison))
(TJ)) I told him he'd see the ass sooner or later.