Ross kissed me.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It was unbelievable!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Let's hear everything.
Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.
Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
It ended very well.
Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Okay. All right. Let's hear about the kiss.
Was it a soft brush against your lips...
...or was it a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then....
Oh, God. And then we just sort of sunk into it.
So was he holding you? Or were his hands on your back?
No, actually, first they started out on my waist...
...and then they slid up and were in my hair.
And...
...then I kissed her.
Tongue?
-Yeah. -Cool.
The One With the List
All right, check out this bad boy!
Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500-megabyte hard drive...
... built-in spreadsheet capabilities...
...and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.
What will you use it for?
Games and stuff.
There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Oh, wait, here's one.
-Would you be willing to cook naked? -There's an ad for a naked chef?
No, but if you'll cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked.
And then....
So how'd you make out last night?
That is funny. That is painfully funny.
No, wait, wait.
Yeah, that's just painful.
Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.
Yeah, it was. But I get home...
...and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table...
...and I think, "My God! What am I doing?"
Here I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman...
...who I care about and who cares about me...
...and I'm just throwing all that away?
You got all that from saline solution?
Wait. We're talking about Rachel. You and Rachel.
I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for 10 years.
But now I'm with Julie.
So it's like, me and Julie, me and Rachel.
Me and Julie, me and Rach
Rachel! Rachel.
-Hey, you. -How are you?
Good. How are you?
Good.
-Hi, honey. -Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie?
Julie!
How are you?
Good.
So everybody's here.
Everybody's good.
Were you gonna play something?
-Well, actually -Play it!
All right.
-Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. -What?
Okay. Hi.
Hello. Hi. Okay.
This is a song about a love triangle...
... between three people I made up.
It's called "Two of Them Kissed Last Night."
There was a girl We'll call her Betty
And a guy Let's call him Neil
Now I can't stress This point too strongly
This story isn't real
Now our Neil must decide Who will be the girl that he casts aside
Will Betty be the one Who he loves truly
Or will it be the one Who we'll call Loolie
He must decide He must decide
Even though I made him up He must decide
Well, this is a nice resume.
Nice, nice, nice.
Muy impressivo.
Mr. Rastatter, what does this job entail? The ad wasn't clear.
Macholate.
-I'm sorry? -Macholate.
It's a synthetic chocolate substitute.
Go ahead, try a piece.
We think Macholate is even better than chocolate.
All right.
I love how it crumbles.
-You see, chocolate doesn't do that. -No, ma'am.
We should be getting our FDA approval any day now.
Hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving.
The way we see it, chocolate dominates...
...your major food-preparation holidays. Easter, Christmas, what have you.
But given the right marketing...
...we can make Thanksgiving the Macholate holiday.
Wow.
Aren't you gonna swallow that?
Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Isn't that great?
Well, anyhow...
...we're looking for chefs who can create Thanksgiving recipes.
You interested?
Abso-...
... -lutely!
I love creating recipes, I love Thanksgiving, and now...
... I love Macholate.
Really?
Especially that aftertaste. I tell you...
...that'll last you till Christmas.
How about Macholate mousse?
It's not...
...very Thanksgiving-y.
How about Pilgrim Macholate mousse?
What makes it Pilgrim?
We'll put buckles on it.
Did Ross call?
No, I'm sorry.
Why didn't he call?
He's gonna stay with Julie.
He's gonna stay with her and she'll be:
"Hi, I'm Julie. Ross picked me.
We'll get married and have lots of kids and dig up stuff together!"
No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
What am I gonna do? This is like a complete nightmare!
I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me!
They're both gorgeous, my wallet's too small for my 50s...
...and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
-Here's a thought -Don't ever touch the computer.
Ross, listen. I got two words for you:
Threesome.
Let's get logical about this. We'll make a list.
"Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons."
We'll put their names in different fonts...
...and I can use different colors for each column.
Can't we use a pen?
No, Amish boy.
Let's start with the cons because they're more fun.
Rachel first.
I don't know.
I mean....
All right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
You could say that.
I guess, sometimes she's a little ditzy, you know?
And I've seen her be a little too into her looks.
And Julie and I have a lot in common...
... because we're both paleontologists, right?
But Rachel's just a waitress.
Waitress.
Got it. You guys want to play Doom?
Or we could keep doing this.
What else?
I don't know.
Oh! Her ankles are a little chubby.
Okay, let's do Julie.
What's wrong with her?
She's not Rachel.
This is pumpkin pie with a Macholate crust.
This is Macholate cranberry cake, and these are Macholate-chip cookies.
Just like the lndians served.
Oh, my God!
"Oh, my God" good?
Oh, my God! I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
Sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
I tell you, it won't print.
I pressed that button, like, 100 times.
For a hotline, you're not so hot.
What is that in the background?
Are you watching Star Trek?
So did you break Julie's heart?
It was horrible. She cried, I cried. She threw things, they hit me.
I did the right thing.
So Spock actually hugs his father?
Hey, do you guys have
Where you going?
I just got back...
...from Julie's.
No, no.
It's not what you think.
It's the other thing.
Well, what's the other thing? What do I think?
Well....
He broke up with Julie!
Well, go hug her, for God's sakes!
Really?
Really.
It's always been you, Rach.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is good.
-This is really good. -I know. I know.
It's almost....
What do you say we take a walk? Just us. Not them.
-Let me get my coat. -Okay. No, hey!
I'll get your coat.
He's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat, Joey!
Joey, I can't believe this! This is unbelievable!
-What's that? -What? Nothing!
-I saw my name. What is it? -No, no, see? See?
It's printing!
Let me see!
Hey, someone order a coat?
Chandler wrote something about me and won't let me see.
He won't? He won't!
Because isn't that...
...the short story you were writing?
Yes, it is a short story...
...that I was writing.
And I'm in it? Let me read it.
No!
-Come on! -Hey, why don't you read it to her?
All right.
"It was summer.
And it was hot.
Rachel was there.
A lonely gray couch.
'Oh, look!' cried Ned.
And the kingdom was his forever. The end!"
That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the world!
This isn't funny anymore.
There's something about me on that paper, and I want to see it.
No, you don't.
All right, fine. If you guys want to be children, that's fine.
I do not need to see it!
What is this?
That is....
What is this?
-Thank you. -Good luck.
Okay. Just remember how crazy I am about you, okay?
"Kind of ditzy"?
"Too into her looks"?
"Spoiled"?
A little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little," the idiot!
"Just a waitress"?
Now that was....
I mean, as opposed to....
Okay, is this over yet? Rach?
I do not have chubby ankles!
No! I
Okay, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
"She's not Rachem"?
What the hell's a Rachem?
Is that a stupid paleontology word...
... I wouldn't know, because I'm just a waitress?
Rach, come on!
It's "She's not Rachel"!
She's not....
My diary! Brilliant!
If I'd said it was my diary, she wouldn't have made me read it.
That's true. You'd be a great person to have around after an emergency.
I cannot believe Ross even made this list.
-I know. -What a dinkus!
Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
What?
Oh, good. I was hoping that would come up.
This was your idea?
Let's get some perspective here. These things happen for a reason.
Yeah. You!
Pheebs, back me up. You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
By the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Rach!
Hey! Open up! Please?
When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means, "Go away."
It doesn't mean, "Climb up the fire escape."
I just want to read you your "Pro List."
Not interested.
"Number one: the way you cry at game shows.
Number two: how much you love your friends.
Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous.
Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over.
Number five: how great you are with Ben.
Number six: the way you smell."
What are you doing?
You want to open the window?
Oh, yeah.
-What are you doing out there? -I'm....
You must be freezing. You know what you need?
How about a nice, steaming cup of hot Macholate?
Come on, open up.
Rach, come on. You gotta give me another chance.
No.
-No? -That's what I said.
Maybe we should go.
You don't have to go. We're done.
I know how you must
No! You don't, Ross.
Imagine the worst things you think about yourself.
How would you feel if the person you trusted most in the world...
... not only thinks them too...
... but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
No, but see, I want to be with you in spite of all those things.
Well, that's mighty big of you.
I said, don't go!
You know what?
If it were the other way around, there is nothing you could put on a list...
...that would make me not want to be with you.
Well, then I guess that's the difference between us.
See, I'd never make a list.
I never know how long to wait in this situation before you can talk.
Maybe a little longer.
In these recipes, the quantities may seem unusual.
Like these coconut Macholate holiday nut bars?
I've indicated four cups of coconut and four cups of nuts...
...and only one tablespoon of Macholate.
Doesn't matter.
Our FDA approval didn't come through.
Something about laboratory rats.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Anyhow, here's your check.
Thank you for all the trouble you went through.
Listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
Well, I ate some.
Oh, some is fine. Some is not a lot.
So it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?
Is that him again?
Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighing me down.
I don't think this is the best time.
Look, can you do something for me?
Sure. What?
All right.
Music?
Sure.
The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross.
Rachel, he wants you to know he's sorry for what he did...
...and he hopes you can forgive him.
See the stones set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I'll wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I'll wait without you
We've just gotten a call from Rachel and she told us what Ross did.
It's pretty appalling. And, Ross, if you're listening...
...I don't want to play your song anymore.
Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance?
Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car...
...and she hopes you two will work it out.
There's a room where
I can go
And tell my secrets to
In my room
Thanks for coming in again.
Not at all. I have no morals, and I need the cash.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
Anyway, they're called Fish-tachios.
They taste exactly like pistachios...
... but they're made of reconstituted fish bits.
Here, try one.
-All right. -You're not allergic to anything?
Cat hair.
Oh, sorry.