NETFLIX 剧集
嘿 一切都糟透了 Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's fucked!
没错 你最好醒醒 Yeah, you better wake up.
我们很寂寞 我们很饿 我们需要拉屎！ We're alone, we're hungry, and we have to shit!
好 准备好了吗？三、二… Okay, ready? Three, two…
吃奶！拉屎！立刻马上！ Food! Poop! Now!
我们需要奶子！ We need the titties!
给我们来一大杯新鲜热辣的奶汁！ Give us the grande hot titty juice!
没事了 宝贝 You're okay, bud.
嘿 贝卡 是我 Hey, Becca, it's me!
我现身了 我准备好散播爱了 I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love!
填饱我肚子！帮我通屎！给我好好喂奶！ Food me! Poop me! Do titties better!
靠 宝宝有需求魔了？ The baby got its Need Demon?
昨天正式上岗 欢迎入队 Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team.
哦 不是 我其实是贝卡的爱虫 Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug.
哦 你是奶子队的 Oh, you're with Titties!
那她为什么就不能好好地把奶子放到我们嘴里？ Well, then why won't she put them in our mouth the way we want?
哇 你反应还真激烈 Wow. You-- You are intense.
废话 我可是个需求魔！ Yeah, I'm a fuckin' Need Demon!
哟 妈妈 一切都还好吗？ Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl?
好极了 Really good.
两天前我拉了一坨3.6公斤重的屎 现在它每隔一小时就冲我大叫 Two days ago, I took an eight-pound shit, and now it screams at me every hour!
为大家赤裸裸地呈献为母之道 女士们先生们 有请黄阿丽！ Okay, unflinching look at motherhood. Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong--
我现在没心情跟你开玩笑 No, I'm in no mood to go meta right now, okay?
我累死了 而且你把我丢在医院不管了 I'm exhausted. And you ditched me at the hospital!
哎呀 让我们忘掉旧的艾美 Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy
以及那个蠢婊子所犯的错误 and the mistakes that dumb hussy made.
我是新的艾米 我现身了 I'm the new Emmy! I show up!
还带了礼物呢 你看 它本来是有头的 With a gift. Look. And it did use to have a head.
我们现在肚子疼了！ Now our tummy hurts!
好吧 也许他需要… Okay, maybe it needs to,
嗯 贝卡？ um, Becca?
我们可以睡觉了吗？ Can we sleep now?
噢 你是贝卡的需求魔吗？ Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon?
我是艾米 她的新爱虫 I-- I'm Emmy, I-- I-- I'm her new Lovebug.
哇 那小子嗓子真大 Wow, big pipes on that one.
让我睡 让我吃 让我死 Give sleep. Give food. Give death.
等那孩子上大学后她可以睡个够 She can sleep when the kid is in college.
求求你闭嘴吧 Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up.
呃 你做得非常棒 Uh, you-- you're doing so good.
母爱爆棚 哦耶！ Motherly love!
你绝对该闭嘴 You definitely shut up.
嘿 我在尽力了 好吗？ Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?
别跟个爱哭鬼似的 有他一个还不够吗？ Oh, don't be a fucking crybaby, I already have one of those.
我才不是爱哭鬼 I'm not a crybaby.
-爽 终于拉出来了 -什么鬼 -Ah, nice! Our shit came out. -What the fuck?
休息十分钟 需要我就发短信吧 I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me.
-你为什么用那种眼神看着他？ -不然要怎么看？ -Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that? -How am I supposed to look at it?
用充满爱意的眼神？ 我是说 看他那可爱的小鼻子 With love? I mean, wook at that wittle nose.
看看它 Wook at it. Ooh!
那胖乎乎的大腿… Those chubby wittle thighs…
-你到底在干什么？ -试着发光！ -What the fuck are you doing? -Trying to glow!
-天哪 你连发个光都不行？ -呃… -Oh, my God, you can't even glow? -Well…
难怪我不爱这个东西 No wonder I don't love this thing.
你不爱这个宝宝？ You don't love the baby?
如果我的爱虫不是一个 连自己的工作都做不好的菜鸟 Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a JV-ass Lovebug
说不定我会爱 who can't do her job!
如果你不爱这个宝宝 我又要怎么做好我的工作啊？ Well, how am I supposed to do my job if you don't love the baby?
来吧 Come on, come on, come on…
耶！发达了！ Yes! Ka-ching!
你在这里干什么？ What the hell are you doing here?
一个不爱自己的孩子的妈妈 和一个不能发光的爱虫？ A mother who doesn't love her own baby and a Lovebug who can't glow?
我中了羞耻彩票呀！ I've won the Shame Lottery!
我操 Fuck me dot org.
来吧 笑一个 Alright, smile.
你看起来很憔悴呢 亲爱的 Ooh! You look exhausted, love.
对于我们这些 为女性服务的羞耻巫师来说 These can feel like troubling times for we
这或许是个令人不安的时代 Shame Wizards who serve women.
身体积极性、 “自爱” "Body positivity." "Self-love."
薪酬平等 "Pay equity."
让我们不禁想问 女性的羞耻感是否已成为过去？ We wonder, is female shame a thing of the past?
我给你们讲个故事 I leave you with a story.
今天坐飞机时 我和一对母女 一同坐在紧急出口那一排 Flying in today, I shared an exit row with a mother and daughter.
我看着那位妈妈向空姐保证 I watched Mum assure the flight attendant
她的小女儿的手臂“足够粗壮” 可以打开机舱门 that her little girl's arms were "husky enough" to open the cabin door.
接着她给自己点了 一杯加了代糖的热水 She then proceeded to order herself a hot water with Splenda.
在那一刻 我肯定了一件事 In that moment, I felt certain of one thing,
只要女性还存在一天 as long as there are women,
就会有羞耻感！ there will be shame!
非常感谢大家 谢谢 Thank you so much. Thank you.
《你的身体 你的错》这一章 真够打击人心的 谢谢你 The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter was so devastating. Thank you. Thank you so much!
-我书呆子气又犯了 抱歉 -我才要谢谢你 亲爱的 -I'm geeking out, sorry! -Oh, no, thank you, darling!
希望没让你排队等太久 I hope you didn't have to wait on line too long.
哇 我真不敢相信 毁了乔帕特诺的羞耻巫师就在我眼前 Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno!
只是个传言哦 Just a rumor.
哈喽 妈咪！ Hello, Mummy!
哈喽 莱昂内尔 我都忘了你在这里工作 Hello, Lionel. I'd forgotten you worked here.
是的 那个 我给你发的邮件 是不是都被转到垃圾邮箱了？ Yes, and I think all my emails might be going to your spam?
-嗨！ -她来了！ -Hi! -There she is!
昨晚和贝卡过得怎么样？ How was Becca's last night?
一个新妈妈和她软绵绵的新宝宝 A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby?
你肯定发光发得发狂吧！ You must be glowing like cray all day!
呃 其实我并没怎么发光 Yeah, I-- I'm actually not glowing that, that much.
甚至根本就没发光 Or, like, at all.
而且试着发光时反而会放屁 And when I try to, I kind of fart?
-不是吧 -并非所有新父母 都能马上与宝宝建立联系 -Oh, no! -Not all new parents bond with the baby right away.
-真的吗？ -有时候你的光会发得较慢 -Really? -Sometimes you get a slow-glow.
那是完全正常的 And that's totally normal!
-你有过这种情况吗？ -当然没有 -Have you had that happen? -Me? Oh, hell no.
-我的光可是发得迅速又猛烈 -但重申一遍 没什么好羞耻的 -I glow fast and I glow hard. -But again, no shame in it!
没错 只要你是慢发光 而不是不发光就行 That's right. As long as your slow-glow doesn't turn into a no-glow.
是呢 不发光 那可真是羞耻到家了 Oh, yeah, a no-glow, there is definitely shame in that.
听着 我发不发光不是问题所在 Look. My glow is not the problem here.
贝卡不懂得爱 那是她自己的错 It's Becca's own fault she can't love right.
那女人真惹人厌 That woman is a pill.
艾米 你不能这样说你的客户 Emmy. You can't be talking about your clients that way.
你们真该听听她是怎么对我说话的 You should hear the way she talks to me.
不是我刻薄 但她真是烂到骨子里了 Not to be mean, but she's rancid to her core,
真希望她患上某种新种癌症然后死掉 and I really do hope she dies of a brand-new cancer.
-艾米！ -我说了 不是我刻薄！ -Emmy! -I wasn't-- I said "not to be mean"!
你难道没从我们的培训日中 学到什么吗？ Okay. Did you learn nothing from our training day?
我们的客户是我们的宝宝 Our clients are our babies.
如果我们不爱我们的宝宝 他们就不会爱自己 And if we don't love our babies, they won't love themselves.
如果他们不爱自己 他们就永远不会爱自己的宝宝 And if they don't love themselves, they'll never love their babies.
不好意思 你们介意我去抹个药膏吗？ I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab a breath mint
因为我被你俩批得体无完肤了 since you're both shitting down my throat at the same time?
亲爱的 我们只是想帮忙 Oh, honey, we were just trying to help.
我知道 只是… I know, I know. You just…
你们没必要这么偏袒贝卡 You don't have to be such "Beccas" about it.
毛瑞 很抱歉我老是这样 Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this.
我又忘记我该死的密码了 I forgot my goddamn password again.
哎 是“射精精精精精精8=D” Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's and a pound sign.
你的宝贝们怎么在这里？ 不是应该在学校吗？ What are your boys doing here? Shouldn't they be at school?
他们的幼屌园爆发了阴虱病 There was a crabs outbreak at their cumdergarten.
就因为一根脏屌 他们得关了整个学校 One dirty dick, and they gotta shut down the whole damn place.
爹爹不是故意这么大声的 爹爹爱你们 Daddy's sorry for raising his voice. Daddy loves you.
天哪 你边工作边带这么多娃儿 没问题吗？ Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle that chode-load at work?
我会想办法的 I-- I-- I'll manage somehow.
来看看 我得处理 一个找到他爸爸的飞机杯的小孩 Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid who's found his dad's Fleshlight,
得出席一个寻欢洞的开幕式… a glory hole grand opening…
我也想帮你看屌的 但是… Well, I would offer to dicksit, but…
还是算了吧 你绝对应付不了这帮屌的 Oh, yeah, no-- no way. You could-- You could never handle all these dicks.
那是什么意思？ What's that supposed to mean?
没什么意思 只是这是很大的责任 Nothing! It's just a lot of responsibility,
而你 你知道的 你是一团火辣辣的糟 and you're, you know, kind of a-- a hot fuck-up.
你竟敢这么说我 你个性感的傻逼 How dare you, you sexy shithead?
听着 我只是想说 你不是带小孩的料 Look, I'm just saying, you're not really a kid person.
我会是个很棒的屌保姆 所以这是你的损失 Well, I'd be a great dicksitter, so it's your loss.
好吧 你真的觉得你能行？ Alright, okay, so you think you can do it?
我当然能行了 Of course I do!
-好极了 -好得不得了 -Great! -It is great.
我给你简要解说一下 Then you'll need the rundown.
首先 它们只吃 牧场沙拉酱口味的玉米片 懂吗？ First, they eat Cool Ranch Doritos only, comprende? Mm-hm.
把玉米片嚼烂 然后… Chew 'em up, then…
像鸟妈妈喂小鸟一样吐进它们嘴里 Baby-bird the paste into their mouth holes.
-喂 康妮！ -我听着呢 牧场沙拉酱口味 -Hey, Connie! -I'm listening! "Cool Ranch."
还有 每两小时要给它们撸一次管 Also, you have to jerk them off every two hours.
知道了 Yeah. I get it.
还要让它们在三点前睡午觉 不然它们会变成真的臭屁眼 And make sure they get a nap before 3:00, or they'll turn into real assholes. 知道了 Yeah. I get it.
And make sure they get a nap before 3:00, or they'll turn into real assholes. 还要让它们在三点前睡午觉 不然它们会变成真的臭屁眼
毛瑞 我知道了！ Maury, I got it!
我不是第一次和鸡巴打交道了 This ain't my first dick rodeo.
咦哈！德州万… Yee-haw! Texas forev--
啊 卧槽！ Ow! Shit!
第一次骑屌 表现还不错嘛 Not bad for a first time out.
听了一点都不放心 不过多谢你的精彩回顾 Well, that doesn't reassure me, but I’m grateful for the flashback.
（活在羞耻中的女性）
（音乐剧《更年期》）
妈咪 你真该看看 那位年轻妈妈满面羞愧的样子 Oh, Mummy, you should have seen the shame on the young mother's face.
她就在那里 抱着她刚出生的宝贝儿子 There she was with her darling newborn, right?
我直接飞进去 然后说… And I flew right in and I said…
妈咪？ Mummy?
我听着呢 亲爱的 Mm? Oh, I'm listening, darling.
我在给我的公关发一封重要的邮件 Important email to my publicist.
呃 我说了你的口头禅 Well, uh, um… I said your catchphrase,
“有缺陷的女人是失败的女人” "Flawed women are failed women."
你看 我有照片哦 Er… Look, I'll show you the photo.
妈咪？ Mummy?
你看到了吗 妈咪？ Mummy, do you see it, Mummy?
在工作场合请你叫我丽塔 拜托 It's "Rita" in the workplace, please.
她肯定哭了吧？ She cried, I'm sure?
呃 没有 她正要哭 Uh… Well, no. She was about to,
但画面切到了剧集标题… but then they cut to the main titles--
抱歉我迟到了 亲爱的 Sorry I'm late, peaches.
凯蒂猫！你终于来了 Kitty! At last!
哦 没椅子了吗？就坐莱昂内尔的吧 Uh… Oh. Are there other chairs? Oh, just take Lionel's.
-什么？ -你不介意飘着吧 亲爱的？ -What? -You-- You don't mind floating, do you, dear?
嗯 好吧 妈咪 Oh. Well. Yes, Mummy.
真是好久不见啊 忧郁部的工作怎么样啦？ It's been too long! How's the depression game?
忙得不可开交呢 Busy as always.
我上个月和亚马逊公司合作了 I partnered with Amazon last month.
多么激动人心啊！ How exciting!
是啊 我让成千上万的仓库工人 Yes, I've got thousands of warehouse workers
陷入了深深的存在危机之中呢 in a state of deep existential ennui.
好厉害！ Wow!
你知道吗？ 莱昂内尔昨天几乎把一个女人弄哭了 You know, Lionel almost got a woman to cry yesterday.
哇 我几乎觉得佩服呢 Well, I am almost impressed.
妈咪 别忘了你的公关哦！ Mummy, don't forget about your publicist!
那封邮件？ The email?
妈咪常常收到很多重要的邮件 Mummy gets lots of important emails.
只是都不来自于我 我的邮件都被转到垃圾邮箱 Just not from me, eh. They go to her spam.
莱昂内尔 拜托 Lionel, please.
那你呢 亲爱的 有什么新鲜事吗？ So, what's new with you, sweetness?
也没什么 Nothing really.
羞母大学刚刚又邀请我 去做毕业演讲了 Notre Shame just invited me to give the commencement speech again.
哦 我是羞母大学毕业的！ Oh! I went to Notre Shame!
还记得如果你有来参加我的毕业典礼 你会是多么自豪吗？ Hey, remember how proud you'd have been if you'd come to my graduation?
莱昂内尔 亲爱的 去给凯蒂猫拿一碟牛奶 好吗？ Lionel, just-- just be a dear and-- and fetch Kitty a saucer of milk, would you?
好的 妈咪 Yes, Mummy.
慢慢来哈 莱昂内尔 Oh, take your time, Lionel.
快吸吧 我知道你饿了 Come on, I know you're hungry.
我们快他妈饿死了！ We're fucking starving!
你为什么不把乳房捏成三明治状？ Why aren't you squeezing the booby into a sandwich?
你没听到医院那个婊子说的话吗？ Didn't you listen to that bitch at the hospital?
要是宝宝饿死怎么办？ 你就变成宝宝杀手了！ What if the baby starves? Oh God, you'll be a baby murderer!
他们会在《内幕新闻》上谈及我 They'll talk about me on Inside Edition.
然后把你送进监狱 And then send you to jail,
在那里除了《内幕新闻》之外 没什么可看的了！ where there's nothing to watch but Inside Edition!
为什么哺乳对你来说是如此困难 Why do you think breastfeeding is impossible for you
而对其他更好的女人来说 却是如此自然？ when it comes so naturally to other, better women?
你们能不能都别烦我 让我… Could you guys please leave me alone and just let me--
哭吗？我说的话让你想哭了 对吧？ Cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry 'cause of what I said, are you?
我不想哭 我想他妈的尖叫！ Oh, I don't want to cry, I want to fucking scream!
很抱歉我让你情绪波动这么大 贝卡宝贝 I'm sorry about these mood swings, Becca-boo!
我被这些小屌搞得分心了 I'm just a little dickstracted.
扎克里！不准乱蹭！ Zachary! No! No humpies!
鸡巴们看起来很暴躁 也许它们需要撸一撸了？ Those dicks look pretty rowdy. Maybe they need to be jerked off?
也许你才需要撸一撸！ Maybe you need to be jerked off!
我真的需要！ I do!
但我还没找到 我喜欢又合乎道德的黄片！ But I haven't found ethical porn that I like!
哈罗 我最喜欢又绝对敬爱和仰慕的 客户怎么样啦？ Hi! How's my favorite client who I love and adore, of course?
-你说看起来怎么样？ -好吧 -How does it fucking look? -Okay.
今天更刻薄一点 知道了 Actively meaner today, got it.
孩子不肯吃奶 我已经好几天没睡了 The baby won't eat, I haven't slept in days,
而且我的乳头痛得要命！ and my nipples are so sore!
-“痛”？ -我们简直是报废了！ -"Sore"? -We're fucking totaled!
-你的喂奶技术为什么这么烂啊？ -我们受不了啦！ -Why are you so bad at this? -We can't take it anymore!
你那恶心的乳头会说话？ Your gross nips talk?
我们还会唱歌 We also sing.
天哪 Oh. Oh boy.
我一直以为我的生活 ♪ I always thought my life would be ♪
会永远活泼、有趣和自由 ♪ Forever perky, fun and free ♪
未曾担心过明天 ♪ Never worried 'bout tomorrow ♪
噢 真美妙 Oh, lovely.
但现在我们悬挂在这里 感觉麻痛不已 ♪ But now we hang here suckled numb ♪
被贪婪的牙龈吸得皴裂、生疼 ♪ Chafed and raw from greedy gums ♪
残破的肉体充满了悲伤 ♪ A broken body filled with sorrow ♪
给我那香甜可口的乳汁！ ♪ Give me that milky sweet libation! ♪
我需要休息 需要一点独处时光 ♪ I need a rest, some private time ♪
可能是某种奇怪的疾病 阻碍了你的乳汁分泌 ♪ Could be some weird disease is blocking your lactation ♪
需要来点红酒 ♪ Maybe a splash of wine ♪
是时候面对事实了 ♪ The time has come to face the truth ♪
你最差劲了 ♪ You are the worst ♪
-你缺乏力量 缺乏意志 -你是个笨蛋 ♪- You lack the strength, the will - You're a fool ♪
你不该停止服用避孕药 ♪ Should have stayed on the pill ♪
你是个无爱的烂母亲 你冷酷无情 ♪ You're a loveless, rotten mother. Cold and cruel ♪
还有一对没用的奶子 ♪ With a useless tit ♪
你应该放弃 ♪ You should give up ♪
你知道你只会失败 ♪ You know you'll only fail ♪
为什么还要尝试？ ♪ Why try? ♪
也许现在退出还不算太晚 ♪ Maybe not too late to bail ♪
这整个为人父母的戏码都是个谎言 ♪ This whole charade of parenthood's a lie ♪
你连个屁都不值 ♪ You're not worth a shit ♪
你最差劲了 ♪ You are the worst ♪
琼妈妈或《亲爱的妈咪》 ♪ Mama June or Mommie Dearest ♪
-科特妮洛芙 甚至克丽丝金纳 -冒牌货 ♪- Courtney Love, even Kris Jenner - A fake ♪
-历史上无数的烂妈妈中 -没出息 ♪- Of history's countless shitty moms - A loser ♪
亲爱的 冠军非你莫属 ♪ My dear, you are the winner ♪
你是个骗子 ♪ You're a fraud ♪
我需要个拥抱 ♪ I need a hug ♪
你是个冒牌货 ♪ You're a fake ♪
我需要喘口气 ♪ I need a break ♪
在接下来的18年里 你得活在这个错误中 ♪ For the next 18 years, you're stuck with this mistake ♪
你没出息 你真失败 ♪ You're a loser, you're a failure ♪
你太可笑了 你最差劲了 ♪ You're a joke, you are the worst! ♪
真是唱得太好了 各位 干得好 Oh, that's it! You really nailed it, everyone. Well done.
这都是你他妈的错！ This is all your fucking fault!
这位女士 我已经尽力了 好吗？ I am doing my best, okay, lady?
该死的 我逊毙了 Oh, shit. I suck.
我为什么就不能和这个孩子 建立联系？ Why can't I just bond with this baby?
你为什么就不能对我好一点？ And why aren't you nicer to me?
这些小屌为什么就不肯吃 它们的玉米片？ And why won't these dicks eat their chips?
哎哟 我把大家都弄哭了吗？ Oh, dear, have I made everyone cry?
不知道我妈咪会怎么说呢？ What, oh, what will my mummy say?
“做得好 莱昂内尔 你比凯蒂猫强多了” "Good job, Lionel! You're better than Kitty."
“我终于愿意把我家的地址给你了” "And I'm finally giving you my home address!"
没错 她肯定会这么说的 Yes, yes, that's what she'll say.
天哪 经历了今早的事之后 这正是我需要的享受 Man, I really needed this after the morning I've had.
很高兴我能帮上忙 Yeah. Just glad I could help.
我不是想乱用这个词 但贝卡这个人有毒 Like, not to throw the word around, but Becca is toxic.
贝卡是个婊子 Becca is a bitch.
但她现在不在这里 我在这里 But she's not here right now. I am.
-所以我们还是专心点吧 -你说得对 -So let's just, you know, let's focus. -You're right!
我只是希望我能向桑娅征求意见 It's just, I wish I could ask Sonya for advice,
但你看看她！ but, I mean, look at her!
宝贝 听着 我觉得你需要一些时间来思考 Baby. It-- It-- Listen, it just sounds like you need a little time to reflect,
这完全没问题 因为我刚刚往菊花里塞了浴盐 which is totally fine because I just put some bath salts up my ass
它们开始起作用了 而且… and they are really starting to kick in and--
好吧 Oh, okay.
所以我要到外面去和电线杆打个架… So I'm gonna go outside and I'm just going to get in a fistfight with a telephone pole and…
芹菜 太好了！ Celery, yes!
嘿 你是贝卡的需求魔 对吧？ Hey, you're Becca's Need Demon, right?
你没事吧 伙计？ You okay, bud?
你要不要来点开胃菜或什么的？ Do you maybe want like a appetizer or--
食物！我要！给我！ Food! Yes! Give! Give.
我没事啦 我没事 I'm cool though, I'm cool.
但现在拜托你给我食物 But food now please?
在我当着你的面自杀之前 快给我一些炸奶酪棒 Some mozz sticks before I kill myself right here in front of you.
哇 天啊 不好意思 服务员？ Oh, wow. Excuse me, uh, waiter?
我是说 这孩子以为自己是谁啊 要求这么多？ I mean, who does this baby think it is with all its demands?
干 太好吃了！ Fuck, these are good!
贝卡从周五开始 真的只睡了四个小时吗？ Becca's really only slept four hours since Friday?
-是啊 -还真惨 -Yeah. -Brutal.
需要餐巾纸 给我餐巾纸！ Need napkin, give napkin!
哦 没问题 给 Oh, uh, here, sure.
我不想存在！ I don't want to exist!
妈妈咪呀 Yikes on bikes.
抱歉 我今天不在状态 Sorry. I'm just not myself.
我平时是很酷的需求魔 I'm a very cool demon normally!
当然了 我也吃过餐巾纸啊！ Sure, yeah! I've eaten a napkin!
天啊 你真该看看 我在孩子出生前有多风光 Oh, man. You should've seen me do my thing before the baby.
我和贝卡是绝世好搭档 -Me and Becca were a fuckin' team.
我们想要什么就得到什么 Anything we wanted, we got.
无一不到手 -We just took it.
无论何时何地 天下为我们所拥有！ Whenever, wherever… We just… We ruled, man!
你知道展翅高飞是什么感觉吗？ You know what it's like to fly?
等一下 你说贝卡？ Wait, wait, wait. Becca?
那个脾气臭又无趣的婊子 曾经是个跑趴族？ That cranky, dry bitch used to party?
是啊 那段时光真美好啊 Oh, hell yeah! Those were the days!
但现在看看我 But now look at me.
毫无价值的一缕轻烟 A worthless little wisp.
-糟糕 不好意思 -这是我活该 -Shit! Shit, sorry. -I deserve this.
不是的 听我说 你还是很酷的 No, you don't! Hey, hey, you are still cool.
-是吗？ -是啊 伙计 -Yeah? -Dude, totally.
你只是正在经历一些非常艰难的事 You're just going through some really hard shit right now.
是啊 贝卡也一样 Yeah! And same with Becca.
-不一样 贝卡她就是个… -律师？ -Well, no. I mean, Becca's just kind of a… -Lawyer?
-不是 -女人？ -No. -Woman?
-不是 -女律师？ -No. -Female lawyer?
不是 她就是个 你懂的 碧什么的 No, she's kind of a, you know, a c-word?
-碧池？ -对 没错 -A-- A cunt-face? -Yes, that's right.
不是的 她只是不堪重负 Nah. She's just overwhelmed.
她是个新妈妈 那可不容易啊 She's a new mom. It's hard, man.
嗯 也许当新妈妈真的不容易 Yeah, I-- I guess it is hard to be a new mom.
操 难道我是碧池？ Oh, shit. Am I the cunt-face?
嘿 你打算吃那张收据吗？ Hey, you gonna eat that receipt?
当然吃啊 亲爱的 抱歉哈 Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I am, yeah.
抱歉 加文 再说一遍 Sorry, Gav, say again?
我说“哦 她听不到我说话” I said, "Oh, she can't hear me."
在那之前 我说 “别不理我 我人肉你全家哦” And before that I said, "Don't ignore me, I'll dox your fucking family!"
然后在那之前 我说“闻起来真香” And before that, I said, "Smells yummy."
谢谢称赞 是为毛瑞的生殖器孩子们准备的 Well, thanks, it's for Maury's children that happen to be genitals.
对吼 你今天当保姆 那些小可爱们在哪里啊？ Oh, right, you're the nanny today. Where are the little cuties?
在我办公室里当捣乱分子 In my office, being terrorists!
加文 我真不知道该怎么办 Oh, Gavin, I don't know what to do.
我搅这些玉米片搅到手都痛了 I'm gettin' arthritos from all these Doritos.
放松点 饿一天是饿不死它们的 Relax. They won't starve in a day!
只要你每两小时 给它们撸一次管就没事了 As long as you're jerking 'em off every two hours, you'll be fine.
哦 我确实有每两小时 就给它们撸一次管 Oh, I've been definitely jerkin' them off every two hours.
绝对有 毫无疑问 For sure, for sure, for sure.
很好 不然你知道后果的 Good. 'Cause you know what happens if you don't.
当然 我当然知道 Absolutely. Absolutely I know that.
好吧 我现在要 因为一个毫不相关的原因先走了 Okay, I'm gonna go run away now for an unrelated reason.
哦耶 加文要热一热他的金枪鱼汤了 Alright, time for Gavin to warm up his tuna soup.
糟糕！ Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
狂做爱狂繁殖？这就是后果吗？ So, fuckin' and multiplyin'? That's what happens?
-好多鸡鸡啊 -是啊 -That's a lotta dicks. -Yeah.
最好在三点前让它们睡午觉 不然它们会变成真的臭屁眼 Better get 'em to nap before 3:00 or they'll turn into real assholes.
干 你是在说我不会当妈妈吗 皮特？ Really? Are you mommy-shaming me, Pete?
当然不是 你又不是它们的妈妈 No, of course not, you're not their mother.
-嘿 我背上有东西吗？ -没有啊 -Hey. Is there something on my back? -No! You good!
我告诉你 这部剧在HBO播出 而且超搞笑的 I'm telling you, it's on HBO and it's hilarious.
你说叫《切尔诺贝利》是吧？ 我用手机记下来 And you say it's called Chernobyl? I'll write it down in my phone.
他们在第四集里灭了一大堆狗 They kill a bunch of dogs in the fourth episode…
简直有趣到爆 It's a hoot.
原来你在这里 妈咪 我到处在找你呢 There you are, Mummy. Oh, I've been searching high and low.
-被你找到了 可真是幸运 -可不是 -Well, you found me. What fortune. -Indeed.
我给你带了份特别的礼物 你看！ Yes, I brought you a special present, look!
羞耻眼泪！ Shame tears!
是刚从我跟你说过的那个 被折磨得形同躯壳的新妈妈那弄来的 They're fresh from that tortured husk of a new mother I told you about!
免了 凯蒂猫刚才开了瓶忧郁眼泪 I'll pass. Kitty cracked a jar of her depression tears,
说实话 我现在还有点醉呢 and, frankly, I'm still a bit goosed.
呃 忧郁眼泪？ Ugh, depression tears?
但妈咪 这些羞耻眼泪 是我亲手采集的 But, Mummy, I harvested these shame tears myself!
很难采集的 真的很难 但为了你我做到了 It was hard, it was very hard, but I did it for you!
拜托你别笑我 妈咪 Please don't laugh at me. Please, Mummy.
抱歉 亲爱的 你的表情真是太好笑了 No. I'm sorry, darling, you just made such a face.
“真的好难哦 麻麻” "It was so hard, Mommy."
是叫… It's pronounced…
闭嘴 给我听着 No, listen, shut up.
是叫“妈咪”！ It's pronounced "Mummy"!
哦 莱昂内尔 回来嘛 Oh, Lionel, come back.
我们会想死你的 We'll miss you too much.
来吧 大伙们 安静下来 Come on, guys, settle down.
是时候睡午觉了 拜托 It's nap time for Christ's sake. Fuck!
这屌也太多了吧！ There's so many of you!
咦 你看这是什么？ Here! Look what I got.
乖 边看《海绵鸡鸡》边睡觉哈 I got some SpongeDick SquareBalls to doze off to.
那不是阴道啦 傻瓜 Aw, that's not a pussy, silly!
-它们真可爱 -不过很快就要变成真的臭屁眼了 -They're sweet. -Gonna turn into some real assholes soon.
大家干嘛一直说 这些小可爱们会变成… Now why do people keep saying that about these cute little--
卧槽 Oh, fuck.
它们在做什… 停！别这样！ What are they-- Stop! Stop that! Don't do that.
不要啊 扎克里宝贝！ Not you, dear Zachary!
给我们买香烟 带我们去赛马场！ Buy us cigarettes and take us to the horse track!
去你的 你别他妈碰我 马克 Fuck you! Don't fuckin' touch me, Mark.
吃屎吧你 肖恩 Blow it out ya face, Shawn.
树要倒了！ Timbah!
你敢说我妹的坏话 希瑟？ You say somethin' about my sistah Heathah?
你敢说我伴侣的坏话 西奥多？ You say something about my pahtnah, Theodore?
别在我桌上开打行不？该死的臭屁眼 Could you not do that on my desk? Goddamn assholes! 你敢说我伴侣的坏话 西奥多？ You say something about my pahtnah, Theodore?
Could you not do that on my desk? Goddamn assholes! 别在我桌上开打行不？该死的臭屁眼
“真的臭屁眼” "Real assholes."
是呢 这下就说得通了 Okay, yeah, that makes sense in rectumspect.
听着 汤米 不管布莱恩神父对你做了什么 Listen, whatever Father Brian did to you, Tommy,
自己知道就好 you keep it to yourself.
上帝啊 我辜负了这些年轻人 Oh, God, I have failed these youths.
我勒个擦！ Oh, Shit!
抱歉 我不知道你在… 你在干嘛？ Sorry! I didn't know you were… What are you doing?
还不能用纸擦 太痛了 Can't wipe yet. Too raw.
天哪 我不知道还有这么一部分 Ooph! I did not know that was part of it.
嗯 那个 我听说你以前是挺酷的 Oh, I… You know, I, uh, heard you used to be kind of awesome.
你是说那段不需要冷敷乳房 不需要拿水喷我的… You mean before I had to cold-press my tits and squirt-gun my--
-我干嘛往下看啊？ -你干嘛往下看啊？ -God damn it. Why'd I look down? -Why'd you look down?
我觉得我的阴道要死掉了 I think it's gonna die. My pussy.
不 不会的 No, no, it won't!
它会痊愈的 然后巴里会再给你口的 It'll heal, and you'll, um, get head from Barry again!
哇 棒死了 Oh, big whoop.
有一天 你甚至会像以前那样开趴 And, someday, you'll even party like before.
还会吃辣鸡肉三明治 And you'll eat spicy chicken sandwiches.
但不可能跟以前一样了 一切都不复从前了！ But it won't be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.
她说得对 当妈妈让一切都变得糟透了 She's right. Parenthood makes everything awful.
-去你妈的 -真的糟透了 -Fuck you. -It really does.
她身上总是有液体流出来 She's always leaking from somewhere.
要是你的余生 只能在无休止的痛苦中度过呢？ What if the rest of your life is just open-ended suffering?
这样的命运对不合格的妈妈来说 再恰当不过 A fitting destiny for an unfit parent.
好了 各位准备好 Alright, everybody.
哇 重唱呀 Ooh, a reprise!
喂 不准唱！ No, no! Hey! No!
那首歌一点帮助都没有 全部给我出去！ That song is not helpful. Everybody out!
喂 别把臭屁眼们弄湿了 Hey! Don't get the assholes wet.
今天玩《小精灵》那一套玩够了 They've done enough gremlin-y bullshit today.
那部电影真他妈棒 Wicked good fuckin' movie.
快给我出去！ Out! Go!
这个女人已经身心俱疲 她需要清静 This woman is busted, and she needs some peace and quiet!
你不能把我关在外面 你不是我妈咪！ You can't shut me out! You're not my mummy!
你也是 莱昂内尔 出去！ You, too, Lionel. Go!
这样好多了 That's better.
谢谢 你对我这么好是出于怜悯吗？ Thanks. Are you being nice to me out of pity?
一点点吧 但同时我也觉得 我现在尊重你了 A little. But I-- I also think I respect you now?
这倒新鲜 Oh. Well, that's new.
是啊 你的生活现在简直糟透了 看你这副模样 Yeah. Yeah-- Yeah, your life is so shitty right now. Like this?
这其实是你在尽你最大的努力 This is actually you doing your best,
就像我一直都在尽我最大的努力一样 just like I've been doing my best.
但说实话 我并没有做得很好 And if we're being honest, my best hasn't been great.
你能承认这一点真的很勇敢 That's, uh, really brave of you to admit.
嘿 我祝你一切顺利 好吗？ Hey, I wish you well, okay?
-哦 我… -你没有要辞… -Oh, I… -Are you not res--
-我没有要辞职 -没有吗？ -Not resigning, no. -No?
对 我是打算做个感人肺腑的演讲 Yeah, I was gonna land a heartfelt speech
然后 希望自己能逐渐适应 并胜任自己的角色 and then I guess… …hope to grow into my role?
好吧 这样挺好的 Okay, cool. Yeah, love that.
太好了 因为我觉得我们做得到的 Great. 'Cause I think we can do this.
我只是… 我不觉得我们做得到 I just… I don't think we can.
一切都不顺利 而且我简直是一团糟 It's going so bad. And I'm such a mess.
你是 你是一团糟 You are. You are, but see,
但这就是我从你的需求魔那里学到的 that's what I learned from your Need Demon.
那个旧的好贝卡 和新的乱七八糟的死阴道贝卡 That old, good Becca and new, messy, dead-pussy Becca
其实是同一个人 are actually the same person
而且她并不是个讨人厌的臭婊子 who's not a total bitch-menace!
-好吧 -等一下 还没说完呢 -Okay… -Hang on, not done!
我觉得所有这些贝卡加起来 会是个很棒的妈妈 And I think that all of those Beccas are gonna be a great mom.
等等 你是不是… Wait, are you…
是耶 一点点 我的屁股发光了！ Oh! A little bit, yeah. My booty's glowing.
-但宝宝又不在这里 -我想这是为你发的光 -The baby's not even here. -I guess this one's for you.
噢 好贴心 好温暖 Oh, that's nice. And warm.
谢谢你 Thank you.
其实你没那么差劲 你没那么糟糕 ♪ You're not the worst. You're not so bad ♪
嘿 你闭嘴行不行？ Hey, can you shut the fuck up?
我终于能够睡觉了 I'm finally about to get some sleep.
是 抱歉 Right, right, sorry.
我是个好巫师 我努力工作 I'm a good wizard. I work hard.
你通过羞辱来刺激我去做的事 我全都做了 I've done everything you've ever shamed me into.
所以告诉我 妈咪 凯蒂猫到底哪里比我好？ So tell me one thing, Mummy. What does Kitty have that I don't?
如果你非要知道 她有紧致的小屁眼和粗糙的舌头 If you must know, a tight little butthole and a rough tongue.
凯蒂猫！ Kitty!
我还以为妈咪是单独一人呢 I-- I-- I thought I'd found Mummy quite alone.
亲爱的 你妈咪被干得正爽呢 Well, sugar, you found Mummy quite getting fucked.
-什么？ -天啊 我还以为他知道了 -What? -Oh, dear. I thought he knew.
我怎么可能会知道啊？ How could I have possibly known?
噢 亲爱的 我们可是一点都不低调 Oh, honey, we haven't been exactly subtle.
真的吗？ Really?
我的确错过了 对 I did miss that, didn't I? Yeah.
没看出来 I didn't catch it, no.
几乎 但还差了一点 Ah! Yes, well, nearly but not quite.
好吧 我想我大概知道… Alright. I think I've got the general--
等等 圣诞节早上？ Hang on! Christmas morning?
你是说这一切从十二月就开始了？ Are you telling me this has gone on since December?
嗯 不完全是 Well, not exactly, no.
这么多年来… All those years…
-真无耻 -你在嘟囔什么呢？大声点 -Shameless. -What are you mumbling, Lionel? Speak up.
你真无耻！ You're shameless!
闭上你的嘴 Bite your tongue.
我们现在说的是你的嘴 妈咪 We're talking about your tongue, Mummy!
你才是那个和凯蒂猫 一天到晚互相舔来舔去的人！ You're the one bopping around all lickily-tickly with Kitty!
有哪个儿子能比得上 那只大猫咪的小屁眼呢？ And what son could ever compete with that big pussy's tiny b-hole?
等一下 听上去他是想操你呢 Wait a minute. It sounds like he wants to fuck you.
我永远不会像她那样 让你性福 对吧？ I'll never make you happy the way she does, will I, Mummy?
我的妈呀 他真的想呢！ Sweet Jesus. He does!
我们是羞耻巫师 他当然想了 We're Shame Wizards, darling. Of course he does.
不 我不想了 再也不想了 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not anymore I don't!
我来告诉你为什么 And I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why!
因为你是个坏妈咪！ Because you're a bad, bad mummy!
我为贝卡发光 还为宝宝发光了 I glowed for Becca, then I glowed for the baby.
我的屁股现在爱死他俩了 My ass loves those guys now!
你发光挺好看的呢 Aw, it suits you cute!
我的光基本上就跟萝谢尔的一样亮 你们不觉得吗？ I feel like it's basically as bright as Rochelle's, don't you think?
看看我们 我们是发光姐妹花！ Look at us! We're glow-twins!
好呀 发光姐妹花 Okay. Yeah, glow twins.
-放我们出去！ -打开袋子 亲爱的 -Hey, hey! Let us out! -Open the bag, sweetheart!
-我得撒一大泡尿 -给我憋住 阿杰 -I gotta take a wicked fuckin' piss here! -Hold it in, AJ!
是啊 我告诉他飞机杯是用来操的 不是用来口的 Yeah, and I told him Fleshlights are for fucking, and not for eating out,
但那孩子就是不听 but the kid wouldn't listen.
-别在袋子里拉屎 汤米 -你的小屌们回来了 毛瑞 -No shitting in the bag. -Here are your dicks back, Maury.
数量和状况跟原来一样 后会有期哈 Same quantity and condition as before. Bye for a long time.
等一下 康妮 Wait, wait. Connie, Connie, Connie.
袋子里装着五百个臭屁眼 对吧？ This is a bag of like 500 assholes, isn't it?
对 没错 That's… Yeah, that's correct.
康妮！ Connie!
抱歉啦 我只是… Well, I'm sorry! I just…
你让我做的那些事 我不小心一件都没做 I accidentally didn't do any of the things you told me to.
我就知道你还没准备好 当父母很不容易吧？ I knew you weren't ready. Being a parent is hard, isn't it?
不是 是蠢透了！ No, man, it's stupid!
你生气了吗？应该生气了吧？ Are you mad? Probably mad, huh?
没事啦 Oh, it's fine.
我通常就把整批臭屁眼送去波士顿 Usually I just send the batches of assholes to Boston.
他们似乎很适合那里 They seem to thrive there.
-你逊毙了！ -洋基队见鬼去吧！ -You suck! -Fuck the Yankees to death!
你的啤酒 宝贝 Here's your beer, babe.
操 肖娜我们上亲亲镜头了 啵一个 Oh shit, Shauna, we're on the kiss cam! Pucker up!
（亲亲镜头）
哦 你好 丽塔 Oh, hello… Rita.
我想在走之前来给你的书签名 如果你愿意的话 I've come to sign your copy, if you like. Before I leave.
你想签的话就签吧 对我来说没什么区别 Well, if you want to. Makes no difference to me.
在我上一场巡回演讲中 You know, at my last tour stop,
特里格罗斯问我 我一生中最大的耻辱是什么 Terry Gross asked me what the greatest shame of my life had been.
你说了什么？ What did you say?
我说我儿子 莱昂内尔 I said, "my son, Lionel."
-真的吗？ -当然了 -You did? -Of course.
听我说 凯蒂猫确实是个有趣的妹子 Listen, about Kitty. Oh, she's a fun girl.
胸怀宽阔 屁眼精致小巧 Big heart. Eensy little butthole.
好了 我明白了 Yes, yes, alright, I get it.
但归根结底 她不过是一个炮友 But at the end of the day, she's just someone I fuck.
我想这么多年来 我一次都没羞辱过她 I don't think I've shamed her even once in all these years.
而你就不同了 You, on the other hand,
我会用余生去折磨你 I'll be torturing you for the rest of time.
那是因为你爱我吗？ That's because you love me?
不是 亲爱的 是因为我是你妈咪 No, dear. It's because I'm your mummy.
“多谢阅读 妈” "Thank you for reading. M."
God, what I wouldn't give for one night with her. 天哪 我愿放弃一切 换她一夜春宵