Christopher Columbus.
You white son of a bitch.
You tried to destroy my people,
and yet we memorialize you
right in the middle of Broadway
as if you're some sort of M&M store.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, Jackie Lynn.
Oh, ask her if she knows Seinfeld.
Not all New Yorkers know each other, Virgil.
Well, today's the day, Mom.
I'm doing it.
Everything I came back to New York to do.
Patrick Duffy?
That was the first time.
Tonight's my big charity thing.
Of course!
And we'll be proud of you,
no matter how it goes.
Right, honey?
So proud!
We'll be proud of all the fun you're gonna have,
and whatever dress you pick out, or...
I don't know how to talk about this stuff.
I wear supermarket jeans.
Guys, it's not about the dress.
It's about fixing 400 years of injustice
in the dress,
which is a cap sleeve, trumpet hem gown
with a foil print pattern,
and it's gorgeous.
The point is, tonight is big.
And I'm gonna make you wish you'd never climbed up there.
Subs by Mr.C Resync by CookiesMonsta
♪ ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪
Okay, everything's ready for the gala tonight.
The seating chart's done, the table settings are approved,
and Sting is booked, with a guarantee
of no lute-playing.
And everyone's gonna be there.
Probably because I made the invitations so freakin' classy.
I spelled "honour" with a "u" like they do in England.
Well, they better be ready to open their checkbooks.
The $1,000-a-plate ticket barely covers expenses.
This cost $1,000?
Oh, no. I see it. I see it.
Fifteen years ago,
you know where I would have been tonight?
Sitting with all the other sad mistresses
at the bar of the Pierre Hotel...
- I stayed at a hotel once. - Nobody likes you.
Waiting for Julian to fake a work emergency
so he could come spend a few hours with me.
I've been waiting so long, my Rachel's starting to Phoebe.
Jokes like that are why he'll never leave her.
And as soon as I stopped making those jokes,
he did leave her.
Men find funny women disgusting.
So then, I was the wife at the gala.
But then he cheated on me.
I guess none of it's great.
Kimmy, while I'm at the salon,
I need you to go pick up my dress from Bergdorf's.
I will treat it like it's my own fanciest dress,
which I got free when I signed up for a bank account.
And this can be my job, right?
Last night, Goatzilla flubbed his line again.
I mean, how can you forget...
Roar!
Oh, man, yesterday was crazy for me too.
We got a shipment of rebar in,
but it was the five-foot instead of the ten-foot.
So I called the supplier,
and they offered to give us a discount,
but I was like, "We can't work with this rebar!"
Wow, I can't believe that story ended like that.
No, then some guy overhears me, and he's like,
"You trying to get rid of ten-foot rebar?"
And I'm like, "No, I need ten-foot rebar.
I'm trying to get rid of five-foot rebar."
And he goes, "Oh, 'cause I need ten-foot rebar."
And I'm all, "Welcome to the party, pal!"
And then he's like, "Can't you put two fives together and just make ten?"
And I'm like, "No, you can't do that."
When you try to put two five-foot rebars together...
I'm sorry I took you in the bathroom,
Ms. Jacqueline's dress, but I really had to go,
and you're too pretty to let out of my sight.
You're so elegant with your shiny pocket
and your cool zipper.
What?
Secret bonus dress!
Hello, I just used your bathroom,
but I am not a customer... yet.
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
No, sir.
If I ignore that sign, where does it end?
Imagine if I ignored that sign too.
I will have a large cocoa and some chicken nuggets.
With ketchup. Leave the bottle.
So, where'd you serve?
Me?
Oh, I'm not a waitress,
but I get that all the time.
I just like calling people "Hon"
and drawing smiley faces on pieces of paper I give to them.
No, I meant in the military. Sorry.
I'm usually pretty good at spotting other vets.
Soldiers.
You've kind of got that look.
Because of my muscles?
I do a lot of chin-ups in my apartment
because the floors aren't safe.
No, your eyes.
Not that I was staring at your eyes
like a weirdo or anything.
I'm close with my mom... What? Okay.
Just...
You look like you've seen some stuff.
Actually, I have seen some stuff.
I'm not trying to pry.
I don't love talking about my own stuff either,
but whatever your deal is,
you're a survivor.
And not being home for Christmas?
That was the worst.
Tell me about it.
I was... away for 15 Christmases.
At some point, I started forgetting the words
to Christmas carols, like,
♪ Jinky bongs, Jinky bongs ♪
♪ Jinky Halloween, hey! ♪
That's why I'm making up for lost time.
You know the G.I. Bill?
It's G.I. Joe.
And I'm all about making up for lost time, homeslice.
Still working on the lingo-rooski.
I know the feeling, G-money.
Man, it's nice to talk to somebody who gets it.
Everyone else just wants to buy me a drink
and say, "Thank you for your service."
I like talking to you, too, Keith.
And not just because every time you get a drink,
I get another little umbrella.
For Mousey Poppins.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work.
"Work"? "I"?
"Have to get back to"?
I have to get back to work!
Sorry. Nugs are on me.
That's a cool, shorter way to say "nuggets."
Hello, I have an appointment under "White."
And I brought my own neck hooks.
Jacqueline!
Deirdre!
You look amazing.
Oh, you're nice.
I feel disgusting. I had twins yesterday.
- Eh! - Ahhh...
And I know it just started, but I am already
so exhausted from gala season.
Tell me about it.
Did you know that poor people
don't even have to do gala season?
What? They just skip it?
Why do they look so tired all the time then?
So, you're coming tonight, though, right?
Well, obviously. It's my gala.
Why do you think I'm here,
getting nothing rejuvenated... Don't worry about it.
No, your gala is December 10th.
Tonight's my benefit for Lupus Awareness Awareness.
Not enough people know about Lupus Awareness.
December?
No.
This is clearly a mistake.
We couldn't have scheduled our galas on the same night.
What if we did?
That would be... interesting.
- That would be a disaster! - Exactly!
For one of us. But who?
I haven't felt this alive since I left the State Department.
You know, I faked the Saddam capture.
He's still out there.
Oh, you know what, Deirdre? I just remembered.
I need to rush out of here making weird panicked noises.
I met a really cute guy at a restaurant where I peed!
Gross. Tell me more.
He was a handsome soldier,
just like Lieutenant Dan, or Colonel Sanders!
And he thought I was a soldier too.
'Cause I'm tough, like a soldier.
Hyah! Hyah! Do soldiers do that?
Based on my Fleet Week experiences?
Sometimes.
It's just, I've taken some knocks,
and sometimes I felt like I was moving backwards,
or sideways, or any way but forward.
So we are talking about Fleet Week.
But maybe this is forward.
A guy who really understands what I went through.
When are you seeing him again?
I can makeover montage Tuesday
or Thursday after "Wendy Williams."
Oh, I don't know if I'm seeing him again.
I didn't do that part.
Kimbecile, what do I always say?
"Don't touch my dolls, they're strictly look-upons"?
- Not that. - "Only Aladdin can pull off harem pants"?
Not that.
- "John Cusack got fat, but I still would"? - No, get the digits!
The digits!
Oh, look at us.
Both having man problems.
Is that why you've been shouting so much in the bathroom?
No, that's because of cheese.
I'm talking about Mikey.
He just talks and talks,
and I have to listen and listen.
It's exhausting.
Well, that's just part of dating in the '90s.
Like compromising, or women be shopping.
Ham-burger!
Relationships are hard.
I don't know how Jackie Onassis did it twice.
Look, in the bunker, I got pretty good
at pretending to pay attention to people.
Whenever anyone was talking nonsense,
I'd just pretend their eyes and mouth were flipped.
He was a ghost the whole time.
Oh, another movie idea I have is about a village
you think is in olden times,
but no, it's in now times.
Oh, also, I have another idea
where the bad guys are plants,
but Marky Mark is there!
It's hard not to look interested
when an upside-down face is talking at you.
Kimpanzee, you may have lived through a nightmare,
but you learned so much cool stuff.
Like how to dress a pretend salad?
"Salad"? Starter. Track and field.
Field greens. Salad.
Dress... Dress!
I left the dress at the restaurant!
Why does Deirdre Robespierre
think my benefit is two months from now,
instead of tonight?
Oh, maybe she got hacked, like on the news.
Am I using that right?
What have you done?
What have who done? Me done?
Why is the date ahead of the month?
'Cause I was trying to do it fancy.
That's how they do it in England,
like how "lift" means elevator,
and "fanny" means chooch!
What else were you in charge of?
I don't know! Keeping it fun over 50?
Who else has the wrong date, Mimi?
The venue!
I gave it fancy to the venue!
I left your dress at a restaurant
and now it's gone like so many steaming nugs.
Oh, no, Kimmy ruined your party.
What date did you give the vendors?
Tonight. October 12th.
I remembered it like this:
October is Halloween month,
and 12 is the spoo-ookiest number,
minus one.
So the flowers, decorations, catering...
it'll all be waiting at a venue that we have not booked!
I did it the British way!
That's what she said?
No.
I am afraid this time,
she said nothing of the sort.
Jacqueline!
Thank you for your service.
Keith, how'd you find me?
Did you reposition a satellite
to lock onto my coordinates?
There's an address on this garment bag.
Yeah. That's a bag.
The dress is inside it.
My brain is still mostly thinking about
where IEDs could be hidden,
like that pile of clearly empty boxes,
so I went and forgot to ask a pretty girl for her number.
But maybe we could go out sometime?
Get the digits!
Hey, those are our speakers.
No, you got the wrong day, man!
No, those aren't for this event.
Sweetie, well, thank God, you didn't kill yourself,
because I would have.
And I know exactly how and when.
Good news. I found out what went wrong.
Your month and date were flipped.
And "dinner" was spelled with a "U."
How do you have Sting? I have Sting!
I emailed him myself!
Oh, my God. He's British.
He flipped the date the other way.
Why didn't I just say "October"?
I know, then none of this would be happening.
I would be at home getting ready for your event.
Helping Reg put on his fun cuff links.
Playing hide-and-go-seek with a four-year-old
who has never beaten me once.
Then turning on the garbage disposal
to cover my screams.
Oh, no.
The food. The flowers.
They're gonna throw it all out!
Why is someone with $1 1/2 billion
so concerned about paying twice for flowers?
Because I don't have $1 1/2 billion and you know it.
I do.
I mean, I didn't know-know, but I knew.
Your feet aren't bleeding anywhere,
which means you've worn those shoes before.
Look, Deirdre, just give me the space tonight.
Every penny I have is tied into this gala.
Help me out, and I'll do whatever you want.
I'll gain ten pounds and wear the same dress as you somewhere.
I'll claim my farts in yoga.
I'll claim all of 'em!
What I want is for you to fight back!
I watched you return to New York with nothing
and claw your way to the top, and I thought,
"Finally, here is the Raphael
to my Michelangelo,
the Leibniz to my Newton,
the Lululemon to my Fabletics by Kate Hudson!"
Don't quit!
"How dull it is to pause,
to make an end,
to rust unburnished,
not to shine in use!"
Unseat me as Alpha-Mom
as I did Jenny Chamberlain
at last year's Christmas Ho-Ho-Ho Down!
You're insane.
Jinx.
My Nonno, he insists on still having a garden.
So I built him some window boxes for his tomato plants,
his basil, his mozzarella bush...
Shoot. Those guys are from the site.
Don't do anything gay.
I said don't do anything gay!
And don't stay stuff like "theater,"
or "salad," or "Hey, let's all take a bath."
You know what? Just let me do the talking.
I'm used to that, #WentThere.
You know I love your bitchy muttering, but not now.
'Sup?
- 'Sup? - Soup.
Eh.
Just put the food in the fridge.
I'm gonna have to live off that forever.
I guess I should eat all the oysters first.
But then I'd be so horny!
No, Jacqueline, you can't give up.
Good things can happen when you least expect it.
You can go to the bathroom and find a beautiful man.
Yeah, but then you sober up and realize
you're just going to town on a mop.
Nothing good is going to happen!
I have no venue, no entertainment,
and worst of all, no donors.
You have us.
Ugh, why would you say that?
You're making it worse.
This isn't the first time you've had nothing.
When you moved to New York,
you only had the clothes on your back,
but by the time I met you,
you used towels with your initials on them as toilet paper.
No, I didn't.
No one did.
That's what I'm saying.
You did the impossible, and you can do it again.
Just think back.
How did you do it the first time?
Was it cocaine? For me it was cocaine.
I didn't do anything.
I was young and beautiful, and I trapped a man.
I don't have any skills.
My only education is Snapple caps.
An ostrich can run 30 miles an hour.
What? No. Help!
Don't answer it! It's an ostrich!
What do you want, Deirdre?
I want you to know I am filling my maid's purse
with silverware right now
just to start something that won't come close
to what you and I almost had.
- I need you! - Why?
I'm just a dumb country girl
whose greatest accomplishment is getting pregnant
with a married man's child
after scraping his sperm off an airplane toilet.
Ugh, fine. I give up.
Go back to wherever mistresses come from.
I want to say... Tampa?
No, actually...
That's not where they come from.
Why are you talking like that?
Do you have a plan?
Jacqueline?
My gala is back on.
- Yes! - I did it!
We have a lot of work to do.
Mimi, lock yourself in a closet.
Way ahead of you, boss.
Kimmy, get your gay friend over here for flower arranging.
What's his name? Tibor?
Tringus! Sorry, I'm excited.
Turdgun!
Turdgun.
We need all the help we can get.
Hi, Keith, it's Kimmy.
Cool outgoing message. I will "Do my thing."
Look, if you still want to get together,
my boss is having a party tonight.
What is this, Sadie Hawkins Day?
It's not. I checked.
It's kind of a grown-up party,
so maybe you have a fancy uniform?
It can be tight. It's fine.
"Anyhoo," said the any owl...
If you are satisfied with your message,
press one.
And, one.
But then the wedding ring the doctor found
wasn't even his.
Listen up, side-pieces.
My name is Jacqueline White,
and I was once like you.
Really?
How many friends have you played in a yogurt ad?
Let her talk.
She's the best I've ever seen.
Oh. Hey, Sandra.
Anyway...
Tonight, we rise.
What are you doing, Titus? This looks terrible.
I'm not the one who assumed
all gay people know how to arrange flowers.
Why don't I ask you to do some prop comedy, Carrot Top?
If I had more time, you know I'd love to.
I have a lot on my mind right now.
It turns out, around other people,
Mikey doesn't talk at all.
Do you understand what that means?
He's not just babbling,
he's trying to open up to me.
He doesn't have anyone else he can talk to.
Wow, that's a big responsibility.
Because listening to someone,
really listening to them, means not just hearing,
but actually taking in what the other person is telling you.
And... Hey, not cool, Titus.
Put 'em back!
I have to save my ear energy for Mikey.
For him, I will be a listener.
It will be my toughest role ever.
And I once played a straight corpse
on America's Most Wanted.
Deirdre!
You look lovely.
You came.
So you do have a plan.
Are you here to kill me?
A plan? Please.
I don't even have a venue.
Or do I?
Obviously, my loft isn't perfect,
but a mistress knows how to make a $10 gown look couture.
Who the hell is that?
I smell a man!
Too bad it's not a real gala
without a celebrity entertainer.
Or do I?
I landed acclaimed performer
and face-hider, Sia.
At least, that's what my guests will think
when Mimi Kanassis lip-syncs "Chandelier."
Not bad.
But the only thing that's really important at a gala
is the Benjamins.
And the Phillips.
And all the other rich men with WASPy names.
But sadly, they're here.
Oh, but I've got them, Deirdre.
I've got them all.
And you planted the idea seed into my brain garden.
The mistresses.
Ladies, I know what you want more than anything.
- A reality show? - His wife explodes?
No, what you want most
is one romantic night out with your man.
But Walter is very romantic.
He bought me perfume,
the same as his wife's.
Oh, it's so he never smells like another woman.
Walter is so smart.
What if you could have a real night out together?
Go to a fancy party?
Meet his friends,
instead of just being wheeled into his hotel room
inside a housekeeping cart?
What would you do
to make that happen?
Every man has some weird fantasy
he tosses out there like it's no big deal.
Reg wants me to pretend
we're on a hard-to-hear conference call.
But a good mistress knows to withhold it
until the time is right.
And that time is now.
Oh, no, there's an emergency at work.
I have to go to work! Now!
And I need your cane!
I've never been so humiliated.
My God. I've never failed before.
The pain is...
exquisite.
Oh, thank you, Jacqueline.
Brava, Jacqueline.
Have you met Naomi, my...
friend from work?
So what are you up to tomorrow?
I was thinking we could go see a horror movie
and laugh at what people think is scary.
"Oh, no, that little girl is singing
a nursery rhyme too slowly!"
"Look out! It's a weird house!"
"Eek! A sound!"
So if someone tells me that drywall
is neither dry, nor a wall,
that would be a lie?
Exactly, 'cause it's both.
Oh. Fascinating.
Do go on.
Well, speaking of drywall,
I just redid my sister Theresa's house...
She's the one that married a fireman, right?
Yes, but no.
I actually have two sisters named Theresa,
one with an "H," and one without,
and they both married firemen...
I can't do this.
Why do you keep making me talk?
What? You keep making me listen.
- Are you serious, bro? - Yes.
I saw how you were with the other contraption workers.
I thought you've finally found someone you can open up to...
Titus Andromedon,
a well into which you can pour your emotional water.
You don't pour water into a well!
Look, I don't talk to the guys at work
'cause I don't know them.
It's too loud to have a conversation
around all that equipment.
The digger thing and the smushers
and the crashy balls.
Honestly, I'm not a big talker, period.
But on our first date, I was really nervous,
so I was talking a lot, and that's the guy you fell for.
So I've just been trying to be that guy.
You did that for me?
And you kept listening.
For me.
It's good to know that if I ever do need to talk...
Shh, shh, shh.
We just moved past this.
I'm just gonna live as Sia now.
Everybody likes me.
- Incoming! - Let go of me, old man!
They're inside the wire!
I'm gonna rip your beard off!
What the Hellmann's Mayonnaise was that?
I'm sorry. I freaked out.
Sometimes loud noises can trigger...
stuff.
I mean, you started punching me.
A totally normal reaction to being grabbed
by some psycho with a beard.
I don't have a...
If you think you don't have triggers,
then you're in denial.
Uh, you mean the river in Egypt?
Well, you're in a different river.
The Euphrates, 'cause you 'fraidy a bunch of stuff!
Kimmy, after what we've been through,
just because you're out doesn't mean it's out of you.
That's not true.
If you're tough, you leave that stuff in...
Past.
And if it tries to get out, you just lock it up forever,
in a bunker, like a Kimmy!
- Kimmy, slow down a sec. - No.
I don't have time to slow down.
I've missed too much already.
Seven Olympics.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas making the transition
to adult movie star, I assume.
Fifteen Christmases!
Okay, but my point is,
you're never gonna get those Christmases back.
Oh, really? 'Cause get this.
Wait for it...
I'm having a Christmas a week. Starting tomorrow.
Does that sound like someone who's in denial?
Tomorrow's Christmas, everybody!
And I've got a chimney to dig.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for coming to support
First Americans for Turtle Island.
When the Pilgrims landed in the New World...
Okay, but when the Pilgrims landed,
they continued the mistreatment of indigenous peoples
started by Columbus.
Wait, what is this gala for?
I saw "First Americans" and assumed
it was some kind of super-PAC.
And I thought it was for Turtle Island,
that private island where people like me go
to dress like turtles and do stuff to turtles.
What?
No, this is to benefit Native Americans,
and to resolve hundreds of years of...
Hold on.
We didn't get rich by throwing money away.
We give to causes that actually affect us.
Prostate cancer.
Schools for our dumb kids to get into.
The arts, 'cause of all of those old nudie paintings.
What do these Native people have to do with us?
This isn't about you. It's about injustice!
When the Dutch bought this country in 1626...
They paid only $24.
Does that seem fair?
Actually, if the Lenape had invested that money
starting in 1626...
Let's see, the rule of seven and two,
doubling roughly every eight years...
Today, that $24 would be
$8.6 septillion.
Sounds like it's the Dutch who got screwed.
Like a turtle caught in a sex net.
Oh, God.
You don't care at all.
Why didn't I see it?
That's always been the problem.
You just don't care.
Congratulations.
10,000 years running,
and you don't care about anyone else but yourselves.
Hey, how'd you know the Goldman Sachs cheer?
I failed.
I can't hear anything,
so I'm gonna assume that was my cue.
Also, iTunes suspended my account,
so I'm gonna have to wing it.
Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha...
♪ Chandelier ♪
♪ Fancy roof lamp ♪
♪ Chandelier ♪
♪ Chandelier! ♪
♪ Chandelie-eee-eer ♪
And that's why I always felt like I didn't deserve my father's love!
One day I'm gonna marry this wheelbarrow. That's my deal!
I'm in love with a black, gay man!
Whoa! I just said "love." That's scary. But exciting!
I get turned on by setting fires!
I have a tail! A little tail!
- Good night, everybody. - Good night.