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Hi. Checking out. 14322.
Mr. Shaffer?
That's me.
I have your bill right here.
Thank you.
So how was your luck last night?
Oh, I don't... I didn't gamble.
I was just here for a friend's bachelor party.
I guess he's the gambler.
Excuse me, what's these 110 dollars?
Those are your in-room movies.
No, I didn't watch any movies.
Okay. Let's see.
"Afro Whores."
"Afro Whores?"
You watched it. Let's see... 11 times.
No, no, no, wait...
"Afro Whores" - 2: 30.
"Afro Whores" - 4 o'clock.
- "Afro Whores" - 5: 30. - Wait...
It says in the morning you watched "The Grinch" for 10 minutes...
...and then switched back over to "Afro Whores."
I swear I didn't watch it. Okay?
I was at a bachelor party.
There were 35 people there.
You can ask any of them.
You have to take that off my record.
This is not a record, sir.
- It's a delete. - Okay, fine.
How many times did you watch it?
None. I didn't watch it.
Are you sure?
"Sizzling 3-way...
...backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters."
No! I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it!
I didn't.
Miss?
Can I have another one of these please?
Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman.
I am a woman.
You know, you look kinda familiar.
Yeah, you do.
You know, I get that all the time.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
And now for our Loser Of The Week.
This week it's a no-brainer.
Referee Owen Templeton made
the biggest bonehead call in the history of football.
I think everyone remembers.
It happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10.
They are heading to overtime.
They were about to toss the coin to see who'd kick off.
Dallas. Call it in the air.
Tails.
That's heads!
What? That's tails, man!
- No, no, no. It's uh...
- That was tails.
No... it was, no, no, no, wait, hang on. It's... Now what did I say?
- You said heads.
- It's tails. Tails.
Heads! Yeah! Heads!
Okay, little brother, just be cool.
Just be cool.
Okay, this is it. See the glass?
Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass...
...let gravity do the rest.
I an ask you eck. (I might break my neck)
It's true. You could break your neck.
But it's a risk I'm willing to take.
Why don't you do it?
Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim...
...and one of us needs to be the witness.
What kind of witness would you make?
I'm your own brother and I don't know what the hell you're saying.
How's your tongue? Let me see it.
How does it look?
Looks good.
It looks much better.
Okay, here we go.
We're on candid camera so...
...make it look good.
Excuse me. I'm a lawyer, Gloria Allred.
What the hell happened here?
She slipped on that glass.
Those arrogant jerks.
They're going to pay for this.
They're going to pay through the nose.
How's your neck?
I've never seen such negligence.
This is going to be huge.
She's an angel.
What a cute little face.
- Would you look at those cheeks? - Oh, my gosh...
- She's absolutely beautiful. - She has your eyes.
It's the only picture I have of her.
It's all worn out because I'm always looking at it.
And you haven't seen her for 27 years?
No, not till today.
She just called you out of the blue?
No, no, I found her. I hired a detective...
...I spent all my money and...
...now we're going to meet.
- That's so wonderful.
- You think she'll recognize me? - Of course she will.
Vera Baker.
My baby.
Excuse me.
I have to take this.
This is Merrill.
No! That's unacceptable!
Listen, tell Warren that if we don't ship by Tuesday...
...we won't be in the stores
by Mother's Day and that's unacceptable!
So don't give me any excuses and do it!
Do it! Just shut up and get it done!
Oh, honey...
...you broke your phone.
It's okay.
I carry extras.
Why don't we sit down?
Yes.
You probably have a thousand questions for me.
No.
I was young.
I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant.
And I felt I could handle it at the time.
Hi.
Do you think you gals could just pull yourselves together & bring us a drink?
- Yeah. - Sure.
Sure, but what would you like?
- Mimosa. - Mimosa.
They both want a Mimosa.
So...
...you sell cosmetics?
Yeah, I have my own company.
And we're going public.
And you're not married?
Lucianne said you wouldn't.
Who?
Lucianne. She's my psychic.
She's the one who told me to come look for you.
She said you needed me.
She did?
She said you were lonely, and that you were worried about money,
...and that you had trouble sleeping.
Who the hell isn't?
See, I told you we didn't need a bellman.
Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy.
You avoided another tip. Thank you.
Well, those nickels and dimes add up my dear.
I call this bed!
Hey, no fair! You got to pick last night!
- Go to hell, Jason! - Make me, Nimrod.
- Hey, hey, language, please. - Bev, his and her bathrobes!
Yes.
- Oh, look at that view. - Yeah, nice view.
- Okay, honey, well, uh... - why don't you unpack.
- Okay.
And I'm just going to go look around.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're not going to the casino?
No, no, of course not.
You know, I just drove from the Grand Canyon.
Gotta stretch my legs.
You swore to me on your mother's eyes
that we are here to see David Copperfield.
No gambling.
No gambling. I'm just looking around.
In fact, I'm going to go to the gift shop.
- I can jump farther than you! - I can jump higher than you!
I'll see you guys later.
That's gotta hurt.
Honey, kids need you!
Hey Nick! Nicky!
- You're not leaving. - I'm in court on Tuesday.
No, you're not.
Well, I work for people who are in court on Tuesday.
You pussy. You can't leave, Nick.
It's still going on out there.
Richie, I have to, okay?
I got 2 hours sleep.
Steve Cunningham just got another stripper, Nicky.
I'm telling you, you've gotta see this one.
She's incredible. No, I can't. I gotta get back.
No you don't, Nick. I know you, man. You're scared.
You are. You're scared it's gonna get out of control up there, and...
...someday you're going to be up for.
Attorney General and it will come back to haunt you.
I'm not having this conversation.
Nicky, you didn't even gamble, man.
Not one quarter.
That's no way to live, buddy.
In fact, that's ain't even living.
It's hiding.
- I'm not hiding from anything. - Oh, no?
- No. - Okay, then prove it, Nick.
Do something. Anything. I mean break one rule.
Here. Look, Nick...
...paper. Come on, take it!
Take it!
Come on, Nick, take it!
I have a plane to catch, okay?
See you in Chicago.
Oh, look, I won!
I won! Look at all the money coming down!
Oh, look, look, look, look...
You're a winner. See Guest Services.
A dollar.
Baby, come on!
Yahoo!
C'mon, baby.
Ee une!
Ee on une.
What's this?
This isn't money.
That's the prize? A free buffet?
Oh, well, actually, it's not a buffet.
It's a special reception at 10 o'clock in the Penthouse Conference Room.
"Where a spectacular once in a lifetime opportunity awaits you."
And that's all I know.
What do you think?
I think it's some kind of scam.
Oh, good, a scam!
- We'll do it. - Alright, great.
I'll need to see some ID then.
Okay.
There. I gambled.
A family vacation, huh?
These are the moments you got to savor, am I right?
They'll never come around again.
Exactly.
Excuse me.
Do you know what's going on?
Yeah, free grub, that's what's going on.
This room is fabulous.
Excuse me, does anybody know what we're doing here?
Beats me.
Oh, my God! You should sue somebody!
I did it myself.
- What? - He said he did it himself.
He sent away for a kit.
I knew I recognized you.
You're the referee.
The bonehead.
That's just the media blowing it out of proportion.
Well, my hairdresser's husband lost 800 dollars because of you.
- You know everybody thinks we flip quarters.
- Can I have a picture with you?
It's really a commemorative coin.
Look, please... Smile.
Am I too late?
Look, I won a coin.
A gold coin.
Isn't this wonderful.
Look at this room.
What a beautiful room.
Have you seen this room?
Yes. We're in it.
I am Enrico Pollini.
Now I know what you are thinking.
Enrico is a girl's name.
No, I wasn't.
No pun intended.
What pun is that?
Food, look at all this food.
What a beautiful party.
Little cock-doggies.
They're called cocktail wienies.
Wienies.
I'm so sorry. My English is not so good.
But I'm learning.
That's it. Vera.
- Come on. We're out of here. - Where are we...?
I just... Bye, ya'II!
Excuse me! Thank you all for coming.
I'm Donald St. Claire. I own this hotel.
We don't have much time.
There's a meteor the size of North Carolina...
...heading straight for earth.
The impact is going to kill everything and everyone on this planet.
I built a bunker in the basement of this casino...
...strong enough to withstand the blast.
There's room for eight people.
I've chosen the seven of you, plus me.
When this is over, it will be up to us to...
repopulate and re-civilize the planet.
I couldn't resist!
I'm sorry!
A joke. He made a joke.
Do sit down, please.
Merrill, you and your mother can sit down over here.
How do you know she's my mother?
Alas, there are no secrets anymore, Merrill.
Actually, that's not quite true.
There is one secret. One last secret.
It involves all of you.
I'm getting goose pimples.
Ah, Mr. Shaffer.
Curiosity got the better of you, eh?
Come and sit down.
I'm fine, thanks.
Well, you haven't missed anything, we were just cutting to the chase.
Cutting to the chase.
Well, you'll laugh later. Now...
as you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs...
...or hitting the state lottery are astronomical.
I mean millions to one, a serious person doesn't even bother with it.
But today, you have the chance to play a game...
where the odds of winning are 1 in 6
1 in 6.
It's 1 throw of the dice.
This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham.
Tragically was born without a personality.
Mr. Grisham is insisting that anyone
who wishes to participate in our little experiment...
...should sign this waiver...
...absolving the casino from any responsibility...
...or damages, loss and liability, blah, blah, blah...
So, who do you like, Claude?
The young woman in the black coat.
She looks desperate.
Yes. But she has her mother with her.
That could slow her down.
- Perhaps. - Now...
563 miles from here is a little town...
...called Silver City, New Mexico.
Gold Rush.
Quite, right, Nick. Yes, they struck gold there in eight 1860.
It was the second largest gold rush in American history.
Very good, Nick.
I think Nick should be our captain.
In the downtown Silver City there's a train station.
You can't miss it.
As you go into the front door, there's some lockers on the right.
Mr. Grisham, do you have the keys?
6 identical keys.
They all open the same locker...
...that's locker 001.
Inside the locker is a red duffel bag.
Inside the red duffel bag is 2 million dollars.
In cash. Fifties and hundreds.
Makes a pile about...
so big. First one there...
keeps it all.
Oh, and I put a little transmitting devices in your key rings...
...so I can keep track of you, and...
That's it.
Go!
You just can't pick people at random.
I can do anything I like, Owen. I'm eccentric.
- Go! - Wait a minute, so...
...it's like a race?
A race. He said race... I hope I win.
What are the rules?
There's only one rule.
Are you ready? Here it is.
There are no rules.
Go!
So now when you say: 'go', you mean just: 'go'?
Begin. Commence. Start moving.
Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds. And...
...so far Mr. Shaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
A race! A race! You have to pace yourself.
Carbohydrate is important. Pasta is good.
Breathing is important.
Excuse me.
It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
Yeah. What kind of jackass just gives away 2 million dollars?
Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
What kind of publicity?
He swore us all to secrecy.
Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.
A secret publicity stunt?
Yes.
I don't know what his angle is, but there's always an angle.
Donald St. Claire, people like him...
make millions of dollars everyday playing people like us for chumps.
- I am nobody's chump. - So, you don't believe he is...
11: 30, non-stop to Chicago.
I'm going to be on it.
You know what, he's right.
I'm not cutting short my first family vacation in 3 years...
...because of some half-assed wild goose chase.
Okay, so... you're not going for it?
- No. - No.
Ahh on ink ooo... (I don't think so... )
- Not me. - No.
- Well, I guess that's that, huh? - Right.
Well, it was nice meeting you all. I'm going to take the stairs.
My room's just 2 floors down. Nice meeting you.
Hey, have a nice vacation.
You know it's probably stuck.
I think I'm going to take the stairs too.
Come on, Vera!
Hold the door, please.
Take your time. No rush.
- Get up! - Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
This is crazy. Listen, if we're all going to go for it,
why don't we go for it together?
You know, split the money 50-50.
Lfty-ifty? (50-50? )
You know what I mean, 50-50, 50-50. Whatever, whatever.
Yes, yes, yes. That's a good plan.
It's a race. It's a race.
I'm winning. I'm winning.
And they're off!
No one, gentlemen, no one...
...is offering you action like this.
A horse race with animals that can think, and plan and lie...
...and cheat and play dirty.
It's the gambling experience of a lifetime...
...and it's my way of saying, I understand men like you.
I know what you want, I know what you need.
This casino, my casino is where you belong.
My cab!
- To the airport. - You got it.
We're out the door. I don't see you.
Where are you?
I forgot to tip the maid. I always tip the maid.
Forget about the maid. There he is!
Come on.
Bye, this is a real job. I swear.
What is it?
The job. What's the job?
Ink... for fountain pens.
- And they're in New Mexico? - Silver City, New Mexico.
I love New Mexico. Honey, we'll go with you.
No.
Why not?
Because... we've already paid for the room.
- Ah, now who's wasting money? - No, no, no...
...no! This was your idea to stop here, okay.
I don't care about David Copperfield.
- This is our family vacation. - We'll go with you.
- But you don't...
We... will go with you!
- Fine! - Yes.
- Fine. Fine. Here.
Call the bellman and have him bring the van around. Okay?
- Okay...
Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm in a race.
Excuse me. Excuse me. It's a race.
What is he doing?
- I think he's sleeping. - Sleeping?
He must be narcoleptic.
It's a rare sleeping disorder.
But... I bet on him!
So did I. 2 million dollars.
I'm sorry gentlemen, all the bets are locked in.
Sleeping! Sleeping!
- Uk at at. (Look at that) - Don't tell me how to drive!
Where is my video game?
Seatbelts. Seatbelts everyone.
Honey, what is the rush?
I don't want to be late.
This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
You're not just a travel agent, Roger, you're an angel.
- There's one charter plane available in Las Vegas.
We just bagged it.
- Cool.
- Back to pass... - Get rid of it.
Get rid of it! Throw the ball!
That's why you're not going to get drafted!
You'll be lucky to play in Arena Football in Barcelona!
- You like football? - Sure.
Did you happen to catch that Dallas game last week?
You can't really call it a game.
It was an obscenity! It was a crime against football!
I lost 20 grand on that game and they would've won!
Now I've got to work 2 shifts because of that idiot.
I mean, Steve Wonder could have done a better job calling that game.
Where the hell is the airport?
One lousy flip of the coin
and the whole franchise goes straight down the crapper.
- That will be 7.50, buddy. - Okay.
Keep the change.
Thanks a lot! You have a nice flight!
Yeah! Whoo!
- Hey, you know who that was? - Nah.
That was the ref. The guy from the game.
The coin-toss.
Oh my God! You're right.
That was him! I had him in the cab and I let him go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Chumps.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm not a creep or anything.
I don't have any quarters.
Oh, no. I never do this but I'm reading the same book you are. Look...
...see? Lindbergh.
It's fantastic, isn't it?
What part are you on?
He just had a sex change.
Who did? Lindbergh?
- A sex change? - Oh, yeah.
- That's funny. - I though so.
That's funny.
But don't be too proud of yourself, though.
See, I'm the most gullible guy in the Chicago.
Can I buy you a drink?
I can't. I'm flying.
- So it will relax you.
- No, no, I mean I'm flying.
I'm a pilot.
Pilot. Are there a lot of female pilots?
There's at least one.
You know, as soon as I walk away,
I'm going to think of something great to say to that.
Good.
Mail it to me.
- Flight 115 to Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Gate 17 Oh, great.
- Thank you. - You better hurry.
4 tickets to Albuquerque, please.
- Near the front of the plane. Please. - All right.
Come on!
This is so exciting.
I've never been on a private plane before.
This is bigger than my condo.
- Gentlemen, what's our E.T.A.?
- 1 hour and 10 minutes.
If you can do it in less than an hour, I'll buy you both dinner.
You're on.
- Excuse me. - Uhv, uhv, uhv. (Move, move, move.)
- Who was next? - I was.
- I was.
- What? You were not next! - Are you calling me a liar?
Yeah. As a matter of fact I am.
We've been in line back here for over 20 minutes.
Okay, hold on.
Is that the correct time?
Yes, it is.
- Who's next? - They are. Right there.
2 tickets to Albuquerque.
Sorry. Ouch. We're completely booked.
There's nothing. Oh, there's a 4: 30 but you have to switch in Dallas.
I have had it.
What do you mean that's it?
I'm not giving up.
And neither are you. And neither am I.
I'll tell you something, brother.
If we're not flying out of here, no one is flying out of here.
Okay!
That can't be good.
Duane!
Blaine! Blaine!
Oh! Shit!
Duane!
Duane! Stop!
Stop!
I can't!
Duane, stop the car!
Stop the car!
Freeze everything. Every flight.
Get me Central Operation.
Attention all passengers.
Due to a technical problem with our radar tracking system,
all flights are postponed until further notice.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
- Come on, we gotta go, we gotta go. Hurry up! Let's go!
- Wait! Dad!
Forget the bags! Let's go!
Out of the way!
- This is your license? - Yes, it is.
- Where was it issued? - In Guam.
Just head East! And I'm in a hurry!
Hello again.
East it is.
We have a mid-size Caprice...
What color is it?
We don't care about color.
Just give us whatever car is parked closest to the door.
Ask about insurance.
Would you be interested in purchasing liability insurance?
- How much is it?
- It doesn't matter! - We'll take it. Just hurry.
Hit 'enter.'
Now 'shift.'
'Shift' key.
Out, idiot!
Okay, I've got one.
- What?
- A great comeback.
- Okay.
- I said, "Are there a lot of female pilots?"
And you said: "There's at least one."
I should've said: "Two if you coun't Lindbergh."
Cause you said he had a sex change.
- It's a work in progress. - Okay.
I'm Nick Shaffer.
Tracy Faucet.
So I guess you can have that drink now.
No, I told you I'm flying.
I'm leaving for Roswell in 5 minutes.
Oh, didn't you hear? Everybody's grounded.
Oh, no, that's only for fixed wings.
I'm in a chopper.
We use a different system.
Roswell, New Mexico?
Yes.
You're flying to New Mexico?
Yeah. We've been flying down all week.
They're repainting the whole fleet.
You can fly. Nobody else can fly.
But you can fly.
- And you're flying to New Mexico. - Yeah.
- And nobody else can fly. - Yeah.
Do you need a ride?
- Coconut. - Coconut. Who had coconut?
I did.
Ah, Phil.
That's the kind of car that I'm getting.
Don't count on it.
Why not?
Because the Volkswagen Beetle was used by the Nazis.
I will not be comfortable driving around in one.
So, don't drive it. I will.
Dad, I have to go.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do. I really do.
- We just stopped.
- I couldn't go. - The bathroom was too gross.
Well, can't you hold it in?
I can't. It's an emergency.
- Honey, there's a restaurant.
- No, that's 3 miles off the road, then 3 miles back. We lose 10 minutes.
- So what? Your daughter has to go to the bathroom.
- Come on, Dad, stop. - She has to go to the bathroom.
- Please stop, Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.
- All right, Jason, Jason, just look back there for an empty jar.
A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
Oh, all right, sorry. Jason, we're going to need a jar and a funnel.
Dad, I don't have to pee! It's number 2!
Sorry, I can't stop.
Dad, I'm prairie dogging it.
What the hell does that mean?
You know, like when a prairie dog sticks its head in and out of the ground.
Oh, I do not want to picture that.
Yes, sir. Silver City it is buddy.
It's about 700 miles.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, no, no, no. I don't mind.
A job's just another job for me.
About how much do you think that's going to cost?
I wouldn't worry about it.
Tell you what.
You just pay me whatever you think is fair.
Because...
...I trust your judgment.
I hate you! I hate you!
All right, nobody look.
I'm going to turn on the radio, honey, so you nobody can hear you.
I hate you!
Okay, nobody can hear you, honey.
Push away!
I'm going to drop you off right there.
There's a parking lot near the hospital.
Great. Great.
So what's wrong with her?
- Who? - Your sister. You said it was serious.
Yeah... shark bite.
- Shark bite? - Yeah.
They took her to Silver City?
Yeah. They have a really good shark attack unit there.
How fast was I going?
- Where are we? - Oh, it's a shortcut I know.
- Well, maybe we should stick to the highway.
- Ah, there's a thought.
You say we should stick to the highway.
I say we should take my shortcut.
Why don't we just flip a coin?
Oh! It's not what you think! Wait! Wait!
- Come here, you blind son-of-a-bitch!
Where's that whistle? Wait!
- Give me that god damn whistle! - I'm gonna cram it up your ass!
- Wait!
- Come back here! - Arrivederci.
I'll kill him!
Squirrels?
No, thank you.
- We are looking for the Interstate.
- Oh. I get that a lot cause of the detour.
Now they lost their way. Now they can't go home.
You sure you don't want one?
We're sure. Thank you.
Oh, they make crackerjack pets.
I taught this one to shake hands.
He's not for sale though.
Hey, who wants to go home with the nice ladies, huh?
Pick me, pick me! Don't be afraid. I don't bite.
What's your name, pretty lady?
Vera.
Ma'am, really, we're not interested.
I'm not talking to you, am I?
I'm talking to Vera.
What about Buckey here?
He just loves to climb the trees, eat the nuts...
Ma'am, we do not want a squirrel!
Now do you or do you not know where the Interstate is?
Of course I do, I'm not retarded.
Tell them about the short cut.
Oh, thank you, Buckey.
I almost forgot. There's a dandy shortcut.
It'll bring you right to exit 14. It'll save your 30 miles.
Okay, now listen carefully.
You want to go straight down here, exactly 1.8 miles.
1.8.
And you make a left at the Totem Pole Ranch.
Go 5.4 miles and go up a big hill...
...and you'll see a big yellow sign with graffiti on it.
There's a little dirt road, take that on the right...
...it will take you right to the interstate.
- Thank you very much. - Oh, wait a minute.
Take some nuts with you.
Just in case you see a squirrel.
- Okay. - Okay.
Bye. Bye.
Oh, you could've bought me.
Where am I?
Wow! A Barbie Museum!
Can we stop?
Sorry, Kimmy, we have plan.
And we're going to stick to the plan.
- Please, Daddy, please, please, please. - Hey!
It's not fair.
We never get to stop at anywhere I want to
I'm sure Jason doesn't want to go the Barbie Museum.
Are you kidding? I'll stop anywhere.
I'm wigging out back here.
Yeah, okay, honey.
Come on, you really need to pull over and stop, give the kids a break.
Yeah, okay, maybe on the way back.
No, no, stop the car...
- No, I can't do that. - No, we all need to stop the car.
- No can do. - You need to stop the car.
- Noooo! - Stop the car!
Okay, fine. But 10 minutes.
Wow, The Barbie Museum.
Klaus Barbie, sometimes known as "The Butcher Lyon".
Let the Jew revisionist talk about their...
...death camps, and so called, "crimes against humanity."
This museum is lovingly dedicated... of Lyons."
To the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.
The husband, the devoted father...
...the wine connoisseur and 3-times ballroom dancing champion.
Hey, there is the guy.
Barbie joined the SS in 1935...
...where he soon became one of the Fuhrer's favorite young officers,
- Can we go? - And was given a greater responsibility.
Here we see him standing by Hitler's touring car.
The very same car, which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard.
You're leaving?
Ah... yes.
We have a 4: 30 book burning and then we have a...
- A Christening. - Yes, a christening.
One of our many white Christian non-Jewish friends...
- Family. - Family relative, yes.
- The Hemler Hessin Van Histerechberg...
Thank you so much.
- Yes, love your do. - Thank you. It's beautiful.
Come on.
Wow! A gift shop.
Yes, I know, honey. Next time.
Next time, I promise, I really do.
Let's go. Let's go.
Oh my God! We've been caught!
What do we do now?
- I say we take the interstate. - No, take highway 12.
- Is a shorcut.
- But you don't know what the shortcut is.
It could be anything. I could be a dirt road.
You know of us. Why don't we just separate?
What?
There are 2 of us. Maybe we should separate.
You're right. You're a genius.
There's 2 of us.
If we separate, and you steal a car, we can both go our own way.
And double our chances of getting there first.
All right, you take this.
We only have 1 key.
Oh, look! There it its. Totem Pole Ranch.
Turn left.
1.8 miles exactly.
All right, Squirrel Lady.
I can't believe it Dad.
You just stole Adolph Hitler's Mercedes Benz.
Oh, Hitler had it coming.
What goes around, comes around.
Dad, they're going to be pissed.
Ah, they're always pissed, honey. They're Nazis.
It's like it's their job.
Hey, honey, when we get to Silver City,
...we'll call them. We'll work something out.
- North?
- A little detour. - It will just take a minute.
I just wanted to say 'hi' to my boyfriend.
I can't believe it.
That son-of-a-bitch! That's Charlene's car!
- Charlene? - His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought.
C'mon, now. I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or...
Nice and warm.
Okay.
Did I come at a bad time, asshole?
I'll ram this helicopter right down your throat!
Nooo!
- What are you doing? - Don't worry about me!
My father is a NaVy pilot!
I've been flying since I was 15!
I'm not worried about you! I'm worried about me!
Shawn, have a minute? I want to talk about our relationship!
Suck on that, creep!
Not the truck!
The hood! Oh my God!
Come on, help me. Open it.
You know what, Tracy,
I'm actually not comfortable with...
- Open it! - Okay.
She's going to kill me.
We should get out of here.
Not yet. Okay.
You two-timing, back-stabbing snake!
You worm! You turd!
What was I thinking? I want to kill the bastard!
I'm getting the tattoo removed!
Where are you going, baby! Wait for me!
I think we just killed him.
You can't kill him. He's like a cockroach.
'Oh-oh'
No! No 'oh-oh'. No! Fix the 'oh-oh'!
Should we be this low?
Come on, come on, keep going.
We just violated about 115 federal laws.
- We?
- I'm getting out of here. - Are you coming?
No, no, no. I don't think...
Nice meeting you.
Get out of the truck, Shawn!
That's it, Tracy. You and I are through!
Tracy! Wait!
Tracy!
It's the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.
How does it feel?
I'm shaking.
But that could be from the helicopter crash.
Get out of my truck, Tracy!
It's my truck, Shawn! I paid for it!
- And who is this? - I'm nobody.
- Yeah, you are nobody. - Yeah, nobody.
You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of living...
Oh, Shawn, while you're here, do me a favor.
Charlene left a bra in the truck.
Can you make sure she gets it?
Thanks, honey.
So where's the driver?
He's in the powder room.
Hell's bells!
We're never going to get to Santa Fe by 3 o'clock.
- This is ridiculous.
- Ridiculous.
- I really wish he'd hurry.
- It just seems very unprofessional.
Oh, mister, you got to help me.
My wife, she's out back. She's having a baby.
- She's having a what? - A baby!
- She's having a baby?
- And it's half way out!
I can see the head!
I need your jacket.
Why?
For her amniotic sack!
Her amniotic fluid... it's all gushing out!
- Gushing? - The jacket! The jacket!
Give me the jacket!
And your pants.
- My pants?
- Your pants, yeah, for her, you know, for her placenta...
you know and her labia and cervical...
...it's gushing, it's gushing...
and it's just a hole... and...
the pants!
- And the hat. - My hat? Why? Why my hat?
For her vagina.
Let's go, ladies. All aboard. We're on our way.
What happened to Marty?
Marty? Family emergency. His wife's having a baby.
- A baby?
- Yes. I'm Owen. - I'm your new driver. Let's go.
Quiet. Quiet everybody. Simmer down. Hey!
We're going to be on our way in just a minute.
This is Owen. He's our new driver.
Everyone say hello.
Hello Owen!
Our next stop is our third annual...
"I Love Lucy" convention in Santa Fe, New Mexico!
What'd you say?
Baba-Ioooo!
Is he dead?
Hey, mister, are you dead?
It's a race. It's a race. It's a race.
Run. Run. Like crystal lightning.
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Not good. Not good.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Don't move! Stay there!
I saw the whole thing! I'll be right down!
Oh, shit! Gloria Allred.
Hey, buddy, buddy, are you okay?
You okay?
You're fine! You look great.
You don't want to report this, do you?
- Taxi! - You don't need a taxi, come on.
Come on, where are you going?
Maybe I can drop you off.
Silver City, new Mexico. I am in a race.
- Silver City? This is your lucky day! - No.
I'm going to El Paso.
It's right on the way.
Come on. I hope that...
...look, I've got to be there by 7 o'clock tonight...
so I'm going to be driving very fast.
Great.
Just want 1 copy?
Cause I got an extra one for half price.
Just one. And hurry.
That's the best idea you ever had.
We split up, we take 2 keys, we double our chances of winning.
It can't fail.
You remember where we're going?
Silver City, New Mexico.
Right. Train station locker, 001.
001
Rule number 1: Discretion.
Don't talk to anybody.
I won't. I promise.
I'm serious. We're talking about 2 million dollars in cash.
People would just kill us to get their hands on that key.
I love you.
All right, little brother, you steal a car.
I'm gonna try and steal that Corvette right there.
I don't care what you get as long as it's fast.
I'll meet you in Silver City.
Don't forget your key.
That mother fucking asshole!
There he is!
Go! Go!
Okay, we're at 2.4 miles.
There's the yellow sign with the graffiti, turn right.
- I seen it. - You seen it?
- I seen it.
- I just loved this. - This is like a treasure hunt.
- Slow down! - I can't!
But I guess my favorite episode, if I have to pick a favorite...
...would be Episode 34.
Ladies. Lucy, Lucy, stay behind the line please.
You remember that one when
Ricky thought he was going bald and he wouldn't take his hat off...
No, no, I don't remember that one.
It sounds like a masterpiece.
Ma'am.
Lucy.
You have to put that out please.
Lucy, your hair!
Oh, thank you.
You know, I can't decide whether to keep it up or try something new.
It's on fire!
- Stop the bus!
- We're not stopping! Put it out!
Just put it out! We're not stopping!
The bathroom!
2 million dollars...
...2 million dollars...
2 million dollars...
The Donald St. Claire the billionaire?
It sounds crazy, I know, but I think it's on the level.
Here's the thing, we have to decide 'yes' or 'no' right now.
Okay, we're here.
If everybody else had to drive the whole way, I figured we still have...
...we have a 3 hour head start.
- So you're proposing... - We form a corporation.
Faucet and Shaffer Inc.
If we win, we split everything 50-50.
Here, you can even hold the key.
What do you think?
I don't know what to think. I'm in shock.
3 hours ago I was sitting in the airport...
...I had a job, I was reading a book.
My grandfather used to say, "Good things take time...
...great things happen all at once."
Jason, where'd you get that?
I found it under the seat.
All right, Jason, give it to me right now!
Come on, you can't play that.
- Why not? - Because it's Hitler's harmonica.
You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
You're driving his car.
Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth.
I'm not sucking on the dashboard.
I'm not getting his germs.
Dad, look what I found.
- Hey, where'd you get those?
- The floor. Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler.
All right, take those off right now.
Look at this, a lipstick.
Oh, it's dark.
That Eva Braun had style, didn't she?
- She was Hitler's girlfriend.
- Give us a kiss.
No, Bev, it's not funny. Come on, give me that.
- No, no, it's mine. - Give me that.
- Honey... - Oh, it got all over my hand.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T...
find out what it means to me, respect...
just a little bit... just a little bit... just...
Look at us go. We are zooming.
I told you. We're hauling ass.
We're hauling ass. All righty.
Guess what I got back there?
You just told me.
Ass. We're hauling ass.
No, no, that's just an expression.
It's a heart.
- A heart? - A human heart.
Some lucky bastard in El Paso is waiting for it.
Normally they put in on a plane
but you know the airport's all closed down, so...
You want to see it?
- See what?
- Look.
Are we allowed?
We'll just take a peek.
One peek. What could happen?
It's a heart. It needs fresh air.
It's been locked up in that cooler for 7 hours.
- Oopsy-daisy. - Oh, please!
I get it I get it.
- Don't step on it! - I think, I found it.
No, that's a caramel apple.
This is wrong. This is so wrong.
God is going to smote us.
We're going to get smote!
Come on, we're siphoning gas.
It's not a smoting offense.
Shouldn't be turning me on, should it?
Hi.
What are you doing?
17 cups of coffee.
I guess...
I guess that's it.
I guess not. Oh, honey, turn this thing off.
Son-of-a-bitch!
Damn, keep going!
- He's stopping.
- Cause he knows not to mess with us.
Gotta wait! Too much wind!
Guys, Guys, Guys, I need you to move!
Hey, hey, what are you doing?!
Hey, man, what...?!
I know what I'm doing!
I'm coming to get you! Get back here!
I'll get him. I'm gonna get you, stupid hardware guy!
Go! Go! Go!
- Stand up. Grab the rope! - Give me rope
I'm going to get you!
Stand up! Ready? Grab it!
Missed it!
Dane! Dane, stop the car!
- Hang on, buddy! - Dane!
Please stop!
- Dane! - I got it! I got it!
Just hang on!
Dane! Stop!
Stop it
Blaine! Blaine!
Dane, the cows! Dane!
Shit.
Dane! Dane!
Help!
Give my key!
- What are you talking about?
- Give me back my key!
I got it. Yeah!
Blaine!
Blaine! It's me!
Dane!
Oh my god!
I thought...
I got the key.
How's it going, Captain?
So far, so good.
How about a pit stop?
Sorry. This is a one-way flight.
There's a bathroom in the back.
The latch is broken.
Anybody could just come in.
So what?
You ain't got nothing the other Lucies haven't seen already.
Not necessarily.
Please, will you stop screaming?
Damn!
Help me! Please help me!
Oh, shit.
Owen. Owen, what are you doing?
It's a flat tire, please stay on the bus.
- You are turning it the wrong way.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Get on the bus.
- Maybe we should check the oil.
Listen, wait, please!
I think you're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12, 000 miles
- I can fix it. - Give me that!
Wait! No! That's the spare!
- We'll still catch it. - Try it! Try it!
No, no, no, turn it around.
Just turn it around.
Please be careful.
Wait, wait, wait, what is that?
It's a nickel.
Would you please put it in the bag?
Why don't you check over there.
Maybe it bounced.
I'm a dead man.
Don't worry, my friend, we will find the heart.
I have lost my heart many times before.
I make a joke.
To help you forget how screwed you are.
I don't think it got this far.
Let's check down by the road.
Oh, hello. A doggy.
Hello. Hello, there. Hello there.
He's a good doggy.
Come one, come on... fetch it.
Look at him go.
- Here, boy! - Doggy!
Good boy. Grab it!
- Really is a beautiful car. - Yeah.
- I mean, look at this mahogany. - Gorgeous.
- You just don't see that anymore, you know?
- No.
- I wonder what this is?
- Honey, careful, that's a cigarette lighter.
- No, I don't think they had those then. - Yes, they did.
- Oh, honey! Did you burn yourself? - Yeah.
- Oh, I told you. - Oh, God!
Oh, no, no, no, sorry.
My husband, he burned his finger, ma'am.
Yeah, he was pulling and then he was waving...
Bye! Bye! Not helping, not helping.
- Hi. - Hi.
I really like your dike... bike.
It's Nice.
Cut 'em off! Man in front!
Hey! What are you, nuts?!
Kids, stay down!
This thing wont go any faster!
Stop it! The headlights! The headlights!
Are you insane?! This is Hitler's car!
Honey, tell them what happened - - everything that happened.
And ask them to call the police... and a tow truck!
Hello.
Hello. Are you Harold?
Yes.
I'm Vicky.
Are you going to invite me in, Harry?
Or would you rather party out here in the hallway?
Please, come in.
Not too shabby.
Where are you from, Harry?
From here. Las Vegas.
Local boy makes good.
So, Harry, what can I do for you?
Okay, here's what I want.
First, we both get naked...
So far, so good.
Only we're wearing sailor hats.
And then...
we get into a Jacuzzi...
filled with Pepto-Bismol.
And...
I clip your toenails.
And you shave my buttocks.
Pardon me?
Okay, naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol...
toenails, shave my buttocks.
How much would it cost?
Geez, honey, you have quite an imagination.
How much would it cost?
Well, let's see.
A party like that...
3, 000 dollars.
Okay, 3, 000 dollars! Who has 3, 000?
Carlton has 2, 800. He's the closest.
Congratulations.
Well done. Good for you.
I think it's okay. What do you think?
What about those little holes?
- Are they bite marks? - No, no, no, no.
That's... that's how it was.
I'm pretty sure.
What am I doing?
I can't go to El Paso with this.
Look at it.
It's going to leak like a sieve.
The guy's going to be alive for like two minutes and then...
A drifter.
A drifter?
We... We find a drifter.
Kill him, cut out his heart.
Nobody's going to miss him, right?
I mean, he's a drifter.
He's an invisible man.
It's a perfect plan.
Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak-out.
Where... do... I find a drifter?
Enrico...
where did you say you were from?
Me? I am from Napoli.
And your family, they're back there?
No, no, my papa, he is dead.
And my Mama. All gone.
Any family? Kids?
No. No.
I am completely alone.
Why...
Why do you...
Look, a drifter. Let's kill him!
Son-of-a... Come back here!
Whatever, listen, sugar, you're not going anywhere today.
You got a crack in your radiator.
That's this big tank in front of this big engine.
Yeah, I know what a radiator is.
- Is there a place we can rent a car? - Albuquerque.
Okay, look, okay, we'll just have to patch it. A quick fix.
Patch it? Patch it with what?
Sand and tire sealant.
You mix the two together, it forms an adhesive.
It should last a couple of hours.
We have, 30 miles to go?
Darling, we don't have any sand.
Hello? We're in the desert!
We should've bought a squirrel.
Mother Mercy!
Where'd you come from? Car trouble?
Here, sit down.
You two look exhausted.
How long have ya'll been out there?
Here, have something to drink.
Gentlemen, members of the press...
What's going on?
Oh, a bunch of rocket scientists from L.A.
They're trying to break the land speed record.
Which is a unique combination of automotive and aerodynamic innovation.
The vehicle, which we call,
"Lightning Two" represents three years of R and D...
which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology.
The design team was led by professor Ken Freedman and Dr. Richard Kramer.
We believe that aerodynamically,
this is the most perfect vehicle ever designed.
The entire vehicle weighs less than eighteen hundred and fifty pounds.
The body is a one-piece Kevlar composite.
The wheels are solid billet aluminum.
And she's powered by twin JE-seventy-nne turbo jet engines.
The same engines that are in the F-Four Phantom Jet.
Are there any questions?
Mr. Calvert, what is the current land speed record?
That would be 742 miles per hour,
but we hope to have a new record today.
- Anyone else? - How much do you expect...
How do you start it?
Ah, good question.
There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel in the cockpit...
which engages the primary thruster, igniting the JE...
740... 745...
Break the record.
They're gonna break the sound barrier!
Well, that's it...
I still don't think she's gonna hold.
What do we owe you?
- 500 bucks. - What?!
For what?! For 2 quarts of sealant?
No way, that's 20 bucks tops.
Yeah, okay, here's 40 dollars.
That's double what it's worth, okay? Come on, Nick, let's go.
Hold it.
Another little tool no mechanic should be without.
Alright, fine, fine.
Here's your 500 dollars.
But you know what, Billy Ray?
What goes around, comes around.
This is so un-Christian.
Un-Christian?
The good Lord don't like the way I conduct business...
Let him say something.
Let him give me a sign. Oh, Lord, I'm here and I'm listening!
Hello?
- Mach one! - We did it! We did it!
Well, Everybody okay?
You all right? Yeah?
Randy, you okay?
There's no Ink Inc.
- What? - There's no job.
Yeah.
It's a race. We're racing.
Donald St. Claire put 2 million dollars in a locker.
And I want to get there first.
I do not want to work at Home Depot!
Okay, people, back on the bus.
George, don't eat that.
Back on the bus. Come on, back on the bus.
Simon, put that down.
You too, back on the bus. Come on...
everyone! We don't want to miss dinner. It's macaroni night!
We came in the rocket car.
Oh, a rocket car.
Let's hear all about that on the bus.
All right, so we can still win...
but, we have to leave now.
All right? So, come on!
Dad,
it's been a living hell.
Yeah, but it's 2 million dollars.
It's a lifetime supply of hummus.
Okay. Okay.
I've been selfish. I understand.
I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I almost got us killed.
Hi, everybody. Missed me?
Hey.
Listen, just to show there are no hard feelings,
chocolate shakes all around!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm an adult.
So drink these up and then we'll return the Nazi-mobile...
we'll get that van fixed and then we'll go back to Vegas.
See David Cooperfield!
Okay, drink up, buddy.
Drink it up, honey.
Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.
We'll tell the company.
We won't let them fire you.
- I'm not a bus driver. - Don't say that.
No, I'm not. I'm not a bus driver.
Oh, you mustn't be so hard on yourself.
Hey everybody, who's the world's greatest bus driver?!
Owen! Owen! Owen!
No, no, listen, listen.
No! No! Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches!
Shut up!
I am not a bus driver!
I do not work for the bus company!
All right? I needed a ride to New Mexico.
So I stole this uniform!
See this jacket? This is not my jacket!
Marty, remember the bus driver?
This is his shirt! I stole it!
And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants?!
These aren't my pants!
These are Marty's pants! I stole them!
I am not...
a bus driver!
You're not a real bus driver?
You lied to us!
He ruined our whole vacation!
Here they come.
They're almost within 50 miles.
It's the final lap. Mr. Grisham!
Now, the airport's back on line,
so I want you to take the Lear jet...
Scoot on down to Silver City
and give us the play-by-play from the finish line.
Yes, sir.
Let's go back to Vegas.
Bye! Come on, wake up, wake up.
Bye, Bye. Wake up, wake up.
Third Reich's here, come on.
Come on. Get down. You wanna have a good life.
Okay, okay, think, think. SS in the parking lot.
Not good. Not good. Think.
They gonna be all right?
- I don't think there's room. - No.
This one's little.
- There it is! There it is! - Silver city. We're almost there.
Yeah!
There were two guys in there.
Where'd they go?
Hey, what are you doing?!
I have something for you.
Silver City. Next stop, Silver city.
Silver City? It is the finish line.
I made it! I made it!
The key. Where is the key?
Where is the key, my little baby?
- Excuse me? - I think I am touching it.
- Get away from him. - I can feel it. I can feel it.
- I'm calling a conductor! - I got it. I got it.
Wait! Wait! Come back! Don't leave me!
Come on! Come on, baby!
Giddy-up!
Come on! Baby! Just one more mile!
Just one mile! Come on!
Randy?
Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?
- Ah! Pass him. - I can't. We're too big.
There's Silver City! We're here!
Move!
- They stopped. - No.
They're moving. Look.
Come on, just let's go.
I can smell it.
"Daisy, Daisy...
give me your answer true..."
Hey! Hey! Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
We gotta get off!
Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know the rules.
We're not crazy, lady!
- We should've bought a squirrel. - We didn't.
- Which is why we stole the rocket car.
We can still win! If you don't tell that driver to open that door...
I'm going to crush you like a cockroach in the night! Open the door!
Tell him!
- Open the door. - Let's go!
Yeah, thank you, bye.
It's Pollini.
Enrico Pollini on a train.
He just rolled into the station.
Well, what do you know?
Rip Van Winkle pulled it off!
You gotta love a long shot.
It's here. It's here. It's here.
Here he comes.
- It's you. - He's holding the key.
And he's going to the locker.
Mr. Pollini, well done, sir.
And congratulations.
On behalf of Mr. Donald St. Claire,
the Venetian Hotel and Casino...
Mr. Grisham, is it over?
He's sleeping.
Did I win?
Vicky. You let go of this bag.
Or I swear to God I'll report you to the Escort Service.
Mr. Grisham, what's going on?
The hooker. The hooker.
The hooker is taking the money.
- What hooker? - Vicky. From the hotel.
Pepto-Bismol?
Vicky, I told you to wait in the car!
What the hell is she doing there?
I brought her. I'm sorry, Mr. St. Claire.
She said she liked me.
I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!
Come with me.
All right.
So long, suckers!
The bus!
- You want to steal a bus?!
- Yes, I do.
My God, what have I done?!
Help! Somebody help me!
This thing's got a mind of its own!
- Finders keepers, pal. - That's mine.
I see it. I see it!
It means, it's a scratch. Nobody wins.
Bull shit. I'll tell you what it means.
It means we're going into extra innings
Carla, call the airport.
Tell them to get my other Lear ready.
Gordon, you stay here, keep your eye on the board.
Tell us where they're going.
Gentlemen, grab your drinks.
We're going to Silver City.
Is that it?
That's it. Thank the pilot.
Tell him to level off.
All right, who had Mr. Kinichi?
It was me.
There it is.
It's coming down right there, look!
Where is it?
There it is.
- Get it! - Grab it!
Open it!
Now, that is one hell of an entrance.
It's Smash Mouth!
What's going on over here?
- What's this?
- Money.
- Jesus, how much is this?
- 2 million dollars.
2... 2 million...
...2 million dollars, everybody.
2 million dollars!
On the bus, we talked about it and...
...we decided to share all the money.
They're going to share all the money everybody!
Oh, man!
Let's give these guys some jackets.
Get the jackets, get the jackets over here.
So what's the story, man?
Are you guys some organization?
What's going on?
No, no, we just met this morning.
They just met this morning, everybody!
I almost didn't come along but then I met Tracy and...
well, great things happen all at once.
Oh, this is beautiful, this is beautiful.
Great things happen. I don't know.
We're gonna check the tote board right now
and see where we're at... Okay?
C'mon, baby, lit 'em up.
C'mon, baby...
No! No!
You don't understand...
Excuse me.
We work for Feed The Earth...
...and these are some of our children.
I don't know who you people are or...
...where you came from. But...
God bless you.
Tonight, you've given to these kids...
...and their brothers and sisters all over the world...
...more than money.
You have given them back their faith.
Their faith in the goodness of people.
She said, "You are just like the twelve disciples."
Thank you.
Forget it!
Look, all these other disciples can do whatever they want with their share...
- But this money is going home with us. - What?
Period. End of story.
Put the money in the bag, carrot.
You don't know me, man.
Come here.
I'm so proud of you giving away all your money.
Come on.
Duane...
No. No.
Momma is watching us from the mansion right now.
See what we do.
It's for starving children, Duane.
Do it for Mom.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen...
...I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight's show.
I can honestly say that none of us would be here if it wasn't for this man.
He's the man with the plan...
...Mr. Donald St. Claire!
One of the wealthiest men in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Donald St. Claire!
Put he camera on him!
There you go! Nice shot. There he is.
These men, they didn't have to be here tonight.
They could be out kicking back in the Riviera or in Vegas...
blowing their money on some meaningless idiotic bet.
They couldn't do that.
Not when there are children going to be hungry every night.
Isn't that right, fellas?
Whatever.
Mr. Donald St. Claire and his partners want you...
...and the millions of people watching at home...
...to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight!
Dollar for dollar!
A matching fund, everybody!
Let's hit the phones out there and crank it up!
Because we're gonna feed the whole world tonight!
♪ Somebody once told me ♪ ♪ the world is kinda roaming... ♪
♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shack ♪ ♪ and she was looking kind of dumb... ♪
♪ With her finger and a thumb in ♪ ♪ the shape of an 'L' on her forehead... ♪
Thank you! Good night.