Hello!
I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.
We're deep into the series now, and our contestants have
really been put through their paces.
They've stood before us exposed, ridiculed,
their many weaknesses on display for all to see.
And why?
All to take home this simple facsimile of my head.
Let's meet my fans now.
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
And joining me tonight is my humble little stat-man,
[high-pitched] Alex Hooorne.
[applause]
Is, uh, is Horne your real name?
Ooh.
Is any name real, "Greg"? You know what I mean?
Yeah, no, it is real.
- Is it? Yeah? - Yeah.
[laughter]
I don't know, I don't know. Mummy didn't say.
She just said...
Well, left the letter, and there it was.
[laughter]
Let's move on to today's prize category, shall we, Alex?
Right you are. Today we've asked them to bring in
their best sheep-related item.
- Of course we have. - Mm-hm.
So it's up to ewe...
Oh, no. This is gonna be a series of puns, right?
It might be. It's up to ewe...
[Mel] Oooh!
Yeah? I thought you might like it.
It's up to ewe, Greg Davies,
to decide who's brought in the best sheep-related item, OK?
Baa none.
[Mel] Oooh!
If you notice anyone being sheepish, feel free to lambaste them, alright?
The winner takes home all the sheep stuff. I'm so sorry.
- Wow. - Mmm.
Noel, good to see you.
What's your best sheep-related item that you've brought in?
It's a little knitted effigy of myself, called Woollen Noel.
[laughter]
[Greg] It's really nice.
There's also a little element of surprise in this knitted Noel.
[Greg] Oh, yeah?
- [laughter] - [Mel] Oh, no! No.
It's a very strong opener, Noel.
[Noel] Thank you.
It was already strong before I saw the woollen genitalia.
[Greg] Mel, what have you brought us in?
I brought you some raw wool.
- Some raw wool? - Some raw...
Oh, I like my wool cooked.
- [laughter] - [Alex] You can see the wool.
[Mel] Now, the fun thing...
- [they groan] - [Mel] No, listen...
- You heard the reaction, Mel. - [laughter]
You heard the reaction.
And what I heard was "last place".
- [laughter] - No, no! Stay with me.
We went on holiday and we were a little bit bored. It was very rainy.
So we collected some raw wool, and we played this game
where you had to make yourself into a 19th-century patriarch.
So we did Ibsen. Stuck it on ourselves.
We did Charles Dickens, and my favourite, which I did,
was Isambard Kingdom Brunel.
Pritt down the sides,
and then whop on a bit of that. It is so fun.
Who did you do it with? Your family?
- Yeah. - Huh.
I'll tell you what that is,
that is disgusting, skanky old wool
that's been stuck onto the face of an insane family.
[laughter]
Um, Hugh?
I mean, you're safe. You're not last.
[laughter]
I wouldn't bet on that. I've brought my favourite sheep hat.
[Greg] Let's see it?
I was in Kenya, actually. I was on the Rift Valley, and I bought...
Kenya. You have to keep toasty and warm, don't you?
Yeah, I bought this from a Kenyan sheep herder...
[Joe] Oh, that's nice.
[laughter]
It looks better with the glasses, I think.
- You think? - [Noel] Wow.
It depends what you mean by better.
It certainly looks like you should be incarcerated.
Um, Joe?
I thought long and hard about my favourite sheep-related item
and I brought you a lamb shank.
[laughter]
[applause]
It's on a bed of mash,
with a bit of gravy and a jus.
[Greg laughs]
- You know what jus is, right? - Not a clue. Not a clue.
It's a... It's a religion.
[laughter]
OK, Lolly?
Um, so, best sheep-related item...
Uh, I decided to get you a sheep.
[laughter]
I sponsored a sheep.
- [Mel] Aww! - Snowdrop the sheep.
- [Greg] Sponsored a sheep? - [Lolly] Yeah.
They're not an endangered species.
- [laughter] - [Alex] Yet, yet, yet.
They're fucking everywhere.
Where I'm from, you can scoop them up in a bucket.
[laughter]
This was a stray sheep. She was abandoned by her crew.
- She got into drugs. - [Greg] By her crew?
Yes, yes.
We can see Snowdrop. Do you want to see Snowdrop?
[laughter]
I mean, it's gone up a little bit.
[laughter]
When you say "crew", I thought you were exaggerating there.
Snowdrop is someone with anger management issues.
[laughter]
So, we've got five sheep-related items.
Yeah.
Mel, 100% definitely in last place.
I don't believe it.
- Then... - Mmm?
Don't worry. Hugh.
[Alex] Oh, not last for the first time in the series.
Look how he's smiling. He's come second to last.
[laughter]
I'm gonna put Noel and Joe joint...
- [Alex] Joint second? - joint second.
And I'm gonna put Lolly first, because when she picks sheep,
she picks an angry sheep, and I like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lolly Adefope!
[Alex] Lolly Adefope wins the first task!
[applause]
- OK, shall we move on? - Yes, let's go.
Relevant?
Has he got a name?
[Alex] Stuart.
[Joe] Stuart.
[he chuckles]
Not sure I'm ready for this.
"Get this camel through the smallest gap."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
So, basically, you want me to birth Stuart?
[laughter]
"Get this camel..."
"Get this camel through the smallest..."
"Get this camel through the smallest gap."
I know what all the words mean, but together, I find them confusing.
[applause]
Mercifully, no one did decide to, I understand,
- attempt to birth the camel. - [laughter]
Lolly is the youngest member of our team.
What we like about Lolly is she doesn't mess around.
And, um...
What I mean by that is that she doesn't really
give any of the tasks any thought whatsoever.
[laughter]
I haven't seen this, genuinely,
but I'm gonna guess that Lolly tries to drag that camel through a small gap.
- OK. Let's have a look. - [laughter]
[laughter]
[she laughs]
4.4 centimetres.
[laughter]
Just thought I'd shove it through the gap.
Yeah, yay!
- 3.1 centimetres. - 3.1, OK. Cool.
[she laughs]
[whistle blows]
[she laughs]
[applause]
I'm just having fun.
You know, that's the enthusiasm of youth.
Just get the job done.
But, you know, they were pretty small gaps.
- They were small gaps than I imagined. - Thank you.
[Greg] Yeah, well done.
3.1 centimetres was the smallest gap.
That's the same as an eye socket. Imagine...
a camel...
- [laughter] - A camel going into your head.
An eye socket. Are you alright?
- Yeah, yeah. - Good.
I was just imagining dragging a camel through your eye socket.
Through my eye socket.
Do you want to see Noel?
Noel, you would imagine, would do something slightly different to Lolly.
I would imagine that.
I suppose that's a gap, isn't it?
This is not it, this is just... [he laughs]
Can you just measure that and see what it is?
It's a 12-centimetre gap.
12-centimetre gap, OK.
Oh, I suppose I could... chop the camel up.
This is... I feel bad doing this.
I mean, what if you... need to ride this home?
[laughter]
[audience groans]
Camel's foot through the gap.
[Alex] Mm-hm.
[laughter]
Here's a sentence that you won't hear that often.
"If only I had sharper scissors,
I could've put more of the camel through the gap."
[laughter]
The camel's back hump through the gap.
Right.
All four feet of the camel, the head,
and one of the humps.
[whistle blows]
[applause]
You were very meticulous with your snipping.
Yeah. Snipped the feet off.
Snipped one of his humps off.
Snipped his head off.
It did start to feel like something Jeffrey Dahmer would do.
How big was the gap that he attempted to force his dismembered camel through?
Well, he used a paintbrush and he poked 8% of the camel through...
a four-centimetre gap, which is exactly the same as the inside of a kitchen roll.
That is disappointing, isn't it?
[laughter]
Catastrophic timing, but needs must, and ads pay big dollar.
See you soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Lolly has put a lovely sheep up for adoption,
unaware that if the others win it,
they'll either cook it, shave it or knit it.
For now, back to the camel task.
Camel task, yes.
So we've seen Noel and Lolly's attempts.
Lolly's in the lead at the moment.
Next up, Joe and Hugh and Dennis.
[laughter]
Have we got a blender?
Yeah.
I'm wondering...
Sorry, Stuart.
D'you think just like that?
[blender grinding]
That's not worked thus far, has it?
[blender whirring]
Well, that's absolutely not working at all.
I'm thinking more fluid will do it.
[blender whirring]
[blender struggling]
[Joe] Give me a break, Stu.
I'm gonna give up on the blender.
The blade's come off, look.
No wonder it wasn't working, look.
I've broken the liquidiser.
I'll have to find another method now.
Get fucking through it, Stuart.
[he gasps]
Fuck.
OK, right...
I've got to choose a gap now.
Yes, yes, yes, yeah.
Right, OK.
That's unbelievable.
[Alex] 25 seconds.
[whistle blows]
[applause]
It's hard, innit?
[inaudible]
[applause]
I mean, no one has sounded more like a serial killer on this show than you.
[laughter]
You started off quite sing-song.
"Yes, just like that."
As you were cutting the camel in half.
"Just like that."
And then you said, "I think more fluid will do it."
[laughter]
And then you started to get cross, and you said,
"Get fucking through, Stu."
[laughter]
I wasn't anticipating that the blender would be as shit as it was.
I do think that our blender thwarted both of your ambitions.
Certainly it thwarted yours, Hugh.
Well, Joe went after Hugh, I should say.
So Hugh broke it with the camel, and then...
we didn't mend it in time for Joe.
[laughter]
- [Hugh] It didn't work anyway. - [Greg] I see.
[applause]
[Greg] I thought yours was fairly impressive, Hugh.
Yeah, he spatchcocked the camel, and then he got it through a...
- [laughter] - A hole...
What did he do, mate?
- Spatchcocked a camel. - He spatchcocked it.
- Yeah. - [Mel] It's when you go like that.
Yeah, you do that and you spread it like that.
Yeah. Spatchcock it.
Pull it through a doorframe.
[laughter]
The gap was nine millimetres,
which is the equivalent of a very small hole, if you imagine that.
[laughter]
Joe did get through a 4.6-centimetre gap in shelves,
but you failed to get the whole camel through the chopping board handle.
OK, so this is the final attempt. Mel Giedroyc.
And a camel.
Right.
Brilliant.
OK.
Right, I think we can do it. I think we can do it.
Come on. Come on, gang. Let's do it.
Red light.
[Alex] Two minutes 20.
[Mel exhales]
Right, I can see the High Road, this is good.
The shops are there. Brilliant.
I've seen it. It's over there.
It is tiny.
You've got one minute.
OK. It's absolutely tiny.
[laughter]
[applause]
[Mel] What time was it?
[Alex] Nearly...
Yes! Yes!
- Shall we go? - Yes, let's go now.
[applause]
So good.
[applause]
Well, I've got to ask the question.
Is there a smaller gap than Baby Gap?
Nope.
[laughter]
Baby Gap's the smallest in the...
brand.
And therefore, she took the camel through the smallest Gap possible?
Yes, and the security cameras will have recorded Mel Giedroyc
running in with a camel and running out again.
[laughter]
Well, I've got to say, I thought it was awesome,
and I'm gonna make Mel the winner.
- OK. - I'll tell you that right now.
[cheers and applause]
Thanks, gang.
[applause]
Mel won it, and then it goes,
Hugh, Lolly, Joe and then Noel at the end. So there we go.
I understand, Alex, that as a lovely treat,
we're gonna let the contestants take their camels home.
I mean, these are Lolly's and Mel's camels here. We've got them...
If we could see the ladies'...
- [Alex] They had quite a nice time. - [Greg] Fine.
[Alex] Absolutely fine.
[Greg] Their camels look as happy as it's possible to look, right?
You told me that we had a professional seamstress put these...
Yes, I did it, and, um...
[laughter]
the victims look like this.
[laughter]
[Alex] And they can take them home.
And after that, the scoreboard looks like... this.
[they gasp]
[Alex] Yeah, Lolly Adefope on eight points!
[applause]
Exciting times. What's next, then?
It is time for some sport and littering.
Lovely.
[Alex] Hi, Joe.
Hello.
[Alex] You look nice.
Thank you.
I thought I'd go low-key today.
Do I need boots?
[Alex] Nah.
God, it's bloody knackering when you see the size of a pitch, isn't it?
Imagine having to run all along!
"Score the best goal with this plastic bag."
"You may not hand-bag the bag."
[Alex] Yeah, it's like a handball but with a bag.
Oh.
"Most skilful, fastest and fewest kicks wins."
No boots for me? No trainers?
[Alex] Does your time start now?
I'm just checking on the trainer front.
I've got high heels on.
Get the bag into the goal?
[Alex] You've got to score a goal with it.
"Your time starts now."
- [applause] - [Alex] Mm-hm. Football.
You a big football fan, Mel?
To play or to watch?
Um, well, both. I can just see that you know the lingo.
"Imagine having to run all along."
[laughter]
[Greg] Imagine that.
"Yeah, thought we had a good game."
"Some of the lads were running all along."
All along.
[laughter]
Shall I confirm the rules?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You couldn't hand-bang the bag. You couldn't touch the bag, yeah?
Fastest, fewest kicks, and a bonus point for the most skilful goal.
Lovely.
OK, shall we start with Lolly and Noel?
[Greg] Yeah.
So I can't touch the bag?
[Alex] With your feet, you can.
I could touch the ball?
[Alex] Yeah, yeah, the plastic bag is the ball.
Bastard. [he chuckles] This is the tricky bit.
Argh!
Oh, this is so hard!
Oh, it's stayed on-- No, it's not.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
This bag's fucking hopeless.
[laughter]
[he laughs]
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] Goal!
That is so annoying.
[applause]
Seems some genuine skill there.
I'm alright at football, so I thought, "Oh, this'll be one I can do."
And then I found myself in gold, sort of, cowboy boots.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Trying to thread a shopping bag over a sort of football from the 1930s.
[laughter]
[Greg] Lolly.
So Lolly scored a goal after five minutes and four seconds,
and she only kicked it eight times.
What about old Clippy-Cloppy Pointy Boots?
He took seven minutes and 12 seconds, and kicked it 42 times.
Forty-two times. It's a hefty time penalty for that.
Right, just to say, we have a break now, so stop the action.
See you in part three.
Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.
Alex, what's going on?
Well, all our five comics have been trying to score a goal with a plastic bag.
The next scheduled match is Mel and Joe United.
So we've united the clips and I've said United like in Chesham United,
so I've done a little... little joke.
[laughter]
So sorry, I've totally zoned out.
Yep.
Here we go.
[he laughs]
[laughter]
It's fastest, isn't it?
I was just trying to roll it into my trouser.
I'm just gonna stick with this.
It's exhausting.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Oh, oh, look!
Look! Look!
I've got a tag... on my shoe.
[she laughs] Right, I've got it! I've got it, I've got it.
I'm not actually touching the bag, I'm just touching the tee.
I'm not kicking, I'm dragging!
- [he yells] - [cheers and applause]
[Joe] YEEES!
[applause]
[laughter]
YEEEAAAH!
♪ He's only gone and done it! ♪
[Alex] Stop the clock. Great goal, Mel.
Actually exhausted.
[she exhales]
Mwah.
You're welcome. Great start to the season.
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Genuinely impressive.
For me, I wish I could give extra points for the celebration.
- Mm-hm. - You can!
Oh! OK.
YEEEAAAH!
[cheers and applause]
Did Mel touch that bag, there?
There was a hit of a hand-bag.
Hmmmm.
Oh, lads, there was a tee.
- There was a golf tee. - [Alex] Yeah.
Listen, my friend, the fact that you decided to use a golf tee is enough for me.
I know there was no intent there and I'm gonna let you off that little touch.
Is that a good thing?
[laughter]
There's good news and bad news for Joe.
He was incredibly quick, one minute 54.
He did kick it 77 times.
[laughter]
[applause]
A 385-second penalty for that.
Great start to the season.
The whole country's looking forward to seeing
Hugh Dennis score a goal with a plastic bag.
There is a bonus point for the most stylish goal.
Let's go.
[small crowd cheering]
[cheering continues]
"Score the best goal with this plastic bag."
OK.
You ready?
- [crowd cheers] - [Hugh] He's off. He's off.
Here I come.
Wait a second, wait a second!
[crowd] Hugh! Hugh! Hugh!
[cheers and applause]
[applause]
We only gave you that crowd 'cause we felt sorry for you.
Thought you needed a bit of encouragement, but in fact,
you a glorious bagballer.
[laughter]
Incredible, I mean, I've never seen a reaction
in the studio like that in my life, Hugh.
It was incredible.
Someone got so excited, they shouted out,
"Awooga."
Which is a catchphrase from a 90s TV show.
"I'm so excited, I'm gonna refer back to Gladiators."
[laughter]
- Do you wanna know the stats? - Oh, God, I do.
Well, three seconds quicker than Joe, and zero kicks.
Zero kicks!
Drag, drag, drag, spin, spin spin.
That is how you play it.
- [cheers and applause] - [Greg] That's how you play it.
[Alex] The rest of them are slightly complicated.
I've had to use a graph to see how the rest have done.
So the lowest bar on the graph will be the winner, so...
That's how long they took.
And then we had to add the five-second penalty for every kick.
So in last place it was Noel, then Joe, Lolly, Mel,
and the winner, of course, Mr Hugh Dennis!
[cheers and applause]
Awooga!
Is there a bonus point?
Can we just clarify...
Hugh would like to know if he gets the bonus point for the most stylish goal.
And just wanted to double-check that I got mine for running around.
There's only one bonus point to be given out.
And I will be giving it to the person...
who blew his own trumpet the most.
And that was without question, you.
[Alex] Joe Lycett gets the bonus point. Well done, Joe.
[applause]
- I've been thinking, Alex... - Oh, yeah, Greg?
Isn't Mel lovely?
- Mel...? Mel Giedroyc? - Giedroyc.
[Alex] Lovely. She's so positive.
But I find that she's positive whatever we throw at her.
Yeah, well you asked me to do a visual collage, didn't you, of her positivity?
Yeah, can we have a look at that?
[Alex] Here we go.
[she gasps]
Aww.
Oooh, nice.
[she gasps]
Ahhh.
Excellent.
Marvellous.
Amazing. Incredible.
Epic.
[she sighs]
Oh, ooh!
Oh, look!
Ooh, look!
Oh, good!
Ooh, brilliant.
Brilliant.
Brilliant!
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Great.
Amazing.
Amazing!
Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Boom.
Absolutely marvellous.
[zips rhythmically]
[laughter]
What... a penis.
[applause]
[Greg] She's always like that, isn't she?
But is it what the show's about?
Is it what Taskmaster's about?
Because we brought these people here...
to challenge them. Not for them to have a lovely old time.
[Alex] No. So you asked me to push her to her limit.
So we did set one little extra task,
while we were at the home of football, Chesham United.
[Greg] Just for Mel. Let's see if she can stay nice.
[laughter]
Was I the only one that had to do this?
- [Alex] Oh, yes. - Oh, yeah.
[laughter]
"Hide this ball from Alex."
How the heck am I gonna hide that?
"You may not damage the ball."
"You have five minutes. Your time starts now."
That is absolutely ludicrous.
[applause]
Absolutely ludicrous, she said.
I did.
You may not have heard it, but she also used the word "heck".
Oh, my God. Heck?
And of course, that's Mel's equivalent of...
- Mega-[DING]. - Mega-[DING].
[laughter]
[Alex] I think. Isn't it?
[applause]
Ooh, dear.
There is more swearing to come. Here we go.
- This is Mel's attempt. - Oh, no...
Ha!
[quietly] Oh, bollocks.
Actually, no...
Oh, bollocks!
Don't go over. Good. OK.
Right, come on. Come on.
[she exhales]
[she huffs]
Oh, bollocks!
[quietly] Bollocks.
This is horrendous!
[Alex] Coming!
There it is. Mel!
I can see it.
Come on, my beauty.
Nothing to see...
Nothing to see here, Alex!
You're-- No, you're off your head.
That annoys me.
Ohh, eugh. [she sighs]
[applause]
[Noel] Was that you angry?
I had a humour failure, I did.
Really did push her, didn't we?
She was annoyed. There was a bit of background to that as well.
We also got Mel, as another task, to inflate the ball in the house,
this took 45 minutes.
[Greg] Yeah.
- [laughter] - [air rushing]
I can't reach it!
[laughter]
We then got her to score a goal in the garden with the ball,
which meant she had to deflate it to get it out the door. That took 25 minutes.
[laughter]
Wooo-hoo!
- [Alex] Still happy, though. - [Greg] Still happy.
It was awful!
Mel Giedroyc is officially nice.
[laughter]
Another task, please, Alex. With everyone.
OK, Greg. Here we go.
Hello. [he laughs]
Have I got to do an autopsy?
[laughter]
- [Alex] Hello. - Hi.
Cool.
Thought that was you for a second.
No, I'm here.
Is it "How fast you can go to sleep?" 'cause I'm really good at that.
We'll melt that later.
Right, come on.
"Work out what's in the sleeping bag."
"You may not look in the sleeping bag."
"You may not take items out of the sleeping bag."
"You have five minutes."
"Your time starts now."
So I can feel it.
Ooh! Er...
Oh, wow.
[applause]
I remember us coming up with the idea for this one.
It's when we went camping, wasn't it?
Well, you took me camping, which I appreciated,
and then you kept getting me to feel...
what was in your sleeping bag, and...
[laughter]
I knew what was in it.
- Yeah. - [Joe] Ugh.
- Felt nice, though, didn't it? - It felt lovely, thank you.
Yeah. Let's move on.
OK, start with Noel and Lolly.
I've no idea.
There's lots of things. Is it more than one thing?
You've got to tell me that, Noel.
Oh, right. Really?
That smells a bit weird.
Um... a book?
Do you want me to tell you which book it is?
[Alex] That'd be great.
Hardback book? Oh, actually...
Dictionary?
Yeah, maybe.
A hat? A hard hat?
That's a pith helmet.
Dunno what this is...
- Skipping rope? - Skipping rope.
Um... skipping rope?
Quite weird, like...
It's got-- It's like a big chunk.
[Alex] Oh, yeah? A big chunk?
With four legs on it.
Oh, wow, what's this? This is killing me.
Tortoise.
This feels like a frisbee with a lemon stuck to it.
Frisbee?
- A bin lid. - A bin lid?
[hollow knocking]
Lid or frisbee?
- [whistle blows] - [she laughs]
Lid.
[whistle blows]
[Noel laughs]
- Thanks, Lolly. - Thank you so much.
That was my least favourite of all the tasks.
- Really? - No, I liked it.
OK.
[applause]
Textbook Lolly. Straight in.
Have a feel. See what you can find.
Yeah.
Nice to see the forensic young mind.
I've written down a quote from you.
"This feels like a big chunk with four legs on it."
- [laughter] - And it did, and it did!
Noel smelt the bag for a bit.
Yeah, what's that all about, mate?
How can you identify books by their smell?
Mind your own fucking business.
[laughter]
Why didn't either of them put their hands in the sleeping bag?
That's what I want to ask.
It just said you couldn't look in it...
- Yeah, you could put your hands in. - or take things out.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
So without feeling it, they both guessed a book, a skipping rope,
a bin lid, some sort of helmet, and either a turtle or a tortoise.
- Lovely. - OK?
D'you want to see what was in the bag?
Yes, please.
Well, luckily we've got Hugh next, and he helped us out.
Not allowed to look in it? Hang on.
"You may not look in it. You may not take items out..."
Alright. Now, is there a difference between taking items out
and items coming out?
Well, it's up to you, Hugh.
Well, I won't be taking them out.
Physically taking them out.
But I will get them out.
Just by lifting the sleeping bag up and pouring them out.
I'm just quoting you there, "I will get them out."
"I won't take them out, but they will come out."
But I haven't taken those out, they've merely come out.
They just came out of their own accord.
They came out because I turned the sleeping bag upside down.
There is a policeman's helmet.
That's a tortoise, turtle.
Turtle, tortoise. Not real.
I got weed on by a tortoise once. It was very unpleasant.
I would say that's fennel...
um, attached to a frisbee.
[laughter]
It's a skipping... rope with carrots as handles.
Policeman's helmet.
The book is John Grisham's A Time to Kill.
Have I broken any rules? I've not looked in it.
I haven't taken any items out of it.
You definitely haven't taken any items out of the sleeping bag?
- No. - No.
I haven't physically taken them...
- Thank you. - Thank you, Hugh.
[applause]
[Mel] I don't know about that.
Not sure.
Oh, I didn't take your virginity.
[laughter]
It just sort of fell out.
[laughter]
[applause]
To be fair, that's putting something in, rather than...
[laughter]
I think you know you're bang to rights.
No, I think "take", you have to physically take something.
[Greg] Oh, you're gonna go with it, are you?
You were responsible for those objects...
- coming out of the sleeping bag. - But I didn't "take" them out.
- [laughter] - I didn't take them out.
I was there, and it... it looked like you took them out.
[laughter]
Listen, I'm telling you now...
you fucked that.
[laughter]
What Hugh did do, he confirmed that these two got the tortoise and the book right.
- They got two out of five. - I got skipping rope.
Not made of carrots.
[laughter]
[KLAXON NOISE]
And as always, that sound signifies the end of part three.
- [laughter] - See you for the fourth bit soon.
Hello, and welcome back!
Now, where were we?
Well, the comedians had to work out what's in your sleeping bag.
OK? Hugh tipped it out...
took the stuff out, and we saw...
that they're trying to identify a carrot skipping rope,
a crime novel, a terrapin, a policeman's helmet,
and a frisbee with fennel Sellotaped to the top.
- [Greg] Classic. - [Alex] Classic.
No such thing as a carrot skipping rope. You just made that up.
Well, there is one. Look.
It's not a real thing, though, is it?
Right.
And you don't like flights of fancy, Noel, do you?
[laughter]
[applause]
- It's time... - [they giggle]
It's time for the next sleeping bag investigation.
Oh, no. What is that, now?
A hard hat.
That is... that's a frisbee.
No! Ooh...
No, it's one of those, um...
No, it's not, is it? What is that?
That feels like a book.
Do you wanna know specifically which book?
Oh, if you know.
Do you know what, I'm gonna guess it's a...
crime novel.
[they gasp]
It's not a butt plug?
[laughter]
Don't put that down yet.
I've broken whatever that is.
[laughter]
That's tricky, that one.
Right, it's something on a rope.
- [ripping noise] - Yeah, it's velcro, innit, that?
One of those things that you put your hand in and you throw, like a...
velcro game.
Ooh, that's a new thing!
Oh, it's a little tortoise!
- [whistle blows] - That's time out.
It's tough, that.
[applause]
What's the whole butt plug thing about?
Oh, he thought...
He knew it was your sleeping bag, he felt a carrot, and he thought,
"Yeah, probably a butt plug."
[laughter]
Attached to a rope, which I thought was very you.
[laughter]
Yeah, I do tend to panic.
[laughter]
How many did he get?
He got two out of five as well.
So far Lolly, Noel and Joe have all got two out of five.
So they're all joint first at the moment, but there is still Mel.
Do you want to see her attempt to guess what's in a sleeping bag?
Yes, I do, please.
That's a YMCA helmet.
A YMCA helmet?
Yeah, the guy that was the construction manager.
Presumably, they've got to all be linked.
That's a book.
That's a frisbee with a bit of...
with velcro on it, which makes me think of that kids' game.
I think I had a tortoise.
It was like a toy plastic tortoise.
You see, that could be the end of a skipping rope.
Is it some really pervy outfit?
That he might wear on a night out?
Oh, right. Breastplate.
A Roman soldier's helmet and a breastplate.
And a...
That... Right.
Set of combat equipment toys.
[laughter]
This... What's that thing?
Is it like a nunchucker?
- Something like that? - "Nunchucker"? Yep.
Nunchuck?
I'm gonna go with armour...
breastplate, helmet...
Sort of Roman...
combat...
items, but for children.
That you use in-- [she laughs]
That you use in a garden.
With a book of instructions on how to...
[blows whistle]
Good.
[applause]
So dramatically wrong across the board.
You felt a construction worker's helmet,
and you said, "It's a YMCA helmet."
You are aware that construction came before the Village People?
[laughter]
Did she get any right?
No, weirdly she does get points,
because we've disqualified Hugh, so she's come second last.
[Greg] Wow, that's incredible.
These three get five despite being useless.
Hugh...
Still cross, but gets zero,
and Mel gets two points.
[applause]
Scoreboard is looking like this,
with Lolly Adefope still out in front.
[cheers and applause]
OK, up you get. Off you go.
Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
[applause]
That looks like a fascinating collection of objects in front of our contestants.
[Alex] Mmm.
Who shall we get to read out the task, Alex?
Hello, Joe!
Awright, bab?
[laughter]
"Prepare these items for the second part of the task."
[Alex] So it's prepare the items for the second part of the task.
And that's it, that's the full instruction?
[Alex] They've got to try to second-guess us, Greg.
OK, you've got one minute, starting [blows whistle] then.
Yes, whatever you want.
[laughter]
[applause]
Just to say, they've got one egg,
some grapes, some gaffer tape, three ducks,
an orange, which Hugh's tucking into,
some glue, a stapler and a milk bottle.
- Hello, Lolly. - Hello.
[laughter]
Four seconds left.
Two... one...
[whistle blows] Stop!
[applause]
Mel's still preparing, interestingly.
[laughter]
[Alex] Are you ready to hear the second part of the task?
[Greg] Yes.
Joe, I'm gonna start pretty much straight away, so...
Get ready.
I think you're fucked, Noel.
[laughter]
"Hold all your items in one hand."
"Then put your other hand on your head."
"Fastest wins."
[blows whistle] Off you go.
That's it, isn't it?
[cheers and applause]
Nooo!
No!
NOOO!
[blows whistle] OK, we're stopping the game.
[Mel] You've got it, man.
Lots to digest there, Greg.
Yeah, yeah, he's holding me.
[laughter]
And to be fair, even if I don't win, I got to feel up Greg.
[laughter]
Come back down and let's see how that's affected the scores!
[Alex] OK.
[applause]
What a journey we've been on. Talk me through it, Alex.
Are we happy that Noel held all the items by holding you?
Yeah, I am happy.
Oooo.
Admittedly, that might be because I enjoyed being held.
[laughter]
Well, we'll put Noel in first place. It was instant, almost.
Oh, God, it was. Which bit?
- [laughter] - Well done, mate. Strong.
Mel then held the whole lot, within cling film and on a table.
The rest, it goes Lolly, Hugh, Joe.
By the time you'd gathered everything, Joe, I'm afraid you were in last place.
[Greg] Yeah.
It means the final scores look like this.
[Joe] Ooh.
- Lolly Adefope wins! - [Greg] She's done it!
[cheers and applause]
[Mel] Well done, Lolly.
Well done!
Just before we send you up to collect your prizes,
let's have a quick update on the series scores.
The series scores are interesting.
Lolly may have won, but she's in last place overall.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - [laughter]
Let's bring her back down to size.
Lolly's got 92 points, then Hugh with 96.
Joe and Mel on 100, and Noel's on 105.
So with two shows to go, it's exciting.
[applause]
Still all to play for, but tonight,
Noel couldn't take it away from her, Lolly has won.
Well done, Lolly. Please go and claim your prizes!
[cheers and applause]
That's it. Anything to add, Alex?
Yes, I'd like to say a special hello and thank you
to all those watching on catch-up television.
Go on, then.
Hello. Thank you.
[laughter]
So what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt, when you think there's no hope left in the world,
when all around us is chaos, remember that tonight,
you saw a 55-year-old man score an overhead goal with a plastic bag.
Let's hear it once more for our winner tonight, though.
Lolly!
[subtitles by tribbletown]