[ Man On TV Chattering ] I'm working my triceps.
I'm working the back of my calves, and I'm working my heart.
whole body calorie burning. whole body muscle toning. Everything.
Now what about upper body? All right. We'll do upper body.
Now, here's one of our new movements.
I want you to see the range of motion. Just go to ‘‘Hurdle" or ‘‘Sprint."
Look at the sprint that I have.
How many people can get that range of motion?
Say I wanna do just my hip flexors or my buttocks even more.
I do what's called digging.
Look at the range of motion. I use this for a lot of swimwear models.
Very, very, very important. How about Butt Squeeze?
Yup. I see you wanted to touch.
That's a good way- Not this show! Not touching this show!
Hell is a teenage girl.
I guess, I'm not exactly perfect myself.
But at least I have my fans.
I mean, I get letters every day.
Mostly from perverts and chesters, but still...
I'm kind of the shit.
Rec time started 5 minutes ago, Needy.
Grassy-ass, Raymundo.
Sometimes the letters are from people who say that they're praying for me.
They tell me everything will be okay...
...if I just accept Jesus Christ into my heart.
I say the words, but nothing ever happens.
Nobody comes back.
Nobody gets off the cross.
Welcome to the Mental Olympics.
They're big on recreation here.
Supposedly it help us vent our aggressions.
Personally, I think they're trying to wear us out.
Keep us sluggish, so there won't be an uprising.
Well, those J.V. tactics won't work against me.
I'm a kicker.
K- I-C-K-E-R.
It even says so on my chart.
Just one toastem, huh?
I like toastems.
Oh, that's good.
But I'm not sure toastem can provide sufficient energy during the day.
I recommend more complex carbohydrates...
Oh, Jesus!
I recommend you shut the fuck up.
Alright!
I wasn't always this cracked.
I used to be normal.
Well, as normal as any girl...
...under the influence of teenage hormones.
But after the killings began, I started to feel...
I don't know!
Loose around the edges or something.
Oh, God!
I hate this fucking song.
This is where it all went down.
'Devil's Kettle' sounds twisted, I know, but...
The place is just named after a waterfall.
Technically, it's not a normal waterfall.
It goes into this hole...
...and it doesn't come out.
The scientist guys dropped all kind of things down there...
...but nothing ever surfaces.
Maybe it's another dimension.
Or, you know, just really deep.
Just two months ago,
Me, Jennifer and my boyfriend Chip were completely normal people.
We were our yearbook pictures.
Nothing more, nothing less.
There's Jennifer.
Only back then, we were tight.
Sisters, practically.
People find it hard to believe...
...that a babe like Jennifer would associate with a dork like me.
Sandbox love never dies.
You're totally lesbigay.
What? She's my best friend.
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You performed by Black Kids
I've been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl.
One! I'm biting my tongue.
Two! He's kissing on you.
Three!
- Hey, Monistat. - What's up, Vagisil?
You and me are going out tonight.
Tonight, why?
Because Low Shoulder are playing at Melody Lane.
They're this indie rock band from the city,
I saw their MySpace page...
...and the lead singer's extra salty.
Plus, there will be lots of other salty morsels there for you.
Come on, Needy.
I promised Chip that I would hang out with him tonight.
Boo! Cross out Needy!
What time is the show?
I'll pick you up at 8:30.
My mom has a date with that guy who owns the ham store.
He seems nice.
- Wear something cute, okay? - Okay.
"Little Lover's So Polite" performed by Silversun Pickups
'To wear something cute' meant something very specific in Jennifer-speak.
It meant like I couldn't look like a total zero.
But I couldn't upstage her either.
I could expose my stomach, but never my cleavage.
Tits were her trademark.
Those jeans are hella low, I can...
...almost see your front butt.
It's a rock show. This is my rock look.
Well, I can see like your womb, so...
I never even heard of Low Shoulder.
Which one is Jennifer stalking?
The lead singer.
Girls like her don't go out with drummers.
Thanks a lot.
No offense, I mean, she'd probably make an exception...
...if you were like a drummer...
- ... who is also the lead singer. - Like, Phil Collins?
Who's Phil Collins?
Forget it. He's seminal, but whatever...
Anyway, this singer guy,
Jennifer says he's extra salty. So...
Salty?
'Salty' means beautiful.
Well, then you must be soy sauce, babe.
- Jennifer's here. - How do you know?
Needy, quit tampooning yourself and get down here!
That's fucking weird.
I'd better hurry before she's gets into 'why he did it'.
- You always do what Jennifer tells you to do. - No, I don't.
It's just that I like the same things as she likes.
We have stuff in common, that's why we are B.F.F's.
You guys don't have anything in common.
Yeah, okay, joke.
Guess who's got the whip until 11:30?
A 2003 Chrysler Sebring and it's all mine.
Oh, Hi, Chip.
It smells like Thai food in here.
Have you guys been fucking?
- You're gross. - No.
- You're gross - You're so gross.
Fuck you!
Let's go to the club.
Melody Lane is not a club. It's a bar.
In fact, it's not even a bar, it's like a bingo hall with taps.
Eat my ass, Chip.
You're just jello because you're not invited.
I'm not jealous!
That place is disgusting. Everyone in there has a mustache.
You're totally jello!
You're lime green jello and you can't even admit it to yourself.
Stop kidnapping my girlfriend.
Your wish.
"Urgent" performed by Foreigner
Chip was right.
Melody Lane is definitely not a club.
Clubs are for attractive people in populous urban areas.
Clubs have DJ's and champagne.
All we have is a jukebox and a sticker toilet.
I cannot wait...
...until I'm old enough to get wasted.
Hi, Jennifer. You look very pretty.
What up, Craig.
He thinks he's cute enough for me.
And that's why he's in retard math.
Hey, it's Ahmet from India. The foreign exchange guy.
I wonder if he's circumcised.
I always wanted to try sea cucumber.
Jennifer Check!
You shouldn't poison yourself with that shit.
You just want me to arrest you for possession.
Are you gonna arrest me?
You're not even out of the academy yet, Roman!
Two more months.
And I'm on the force for real.
Are you, uh, gonna cuff me?
Don't do that.
Okay, not here.
Hey, that's the band.
You can totally tell they're from the city.
Yeah, they're wearing eye liner. They look like a bunch of faygos.
Well, you would think that, Roman, because you're a small-time Gomer.
I wish we had more guys like that in Devil's Kettle.
All stylish and shit.
- I think they need two groupies. - No, no, come on!
Don't be so JV, Needy. They're just boys.
Morsels. We have all the power, don't you know that?
These things...
These are like smart bombs, okay?
You point them in the right direction and shit gets real.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi. Um, I just wanted to meet you...
...or something? I'm Jennifer Check.
And... this is my friend.
Hi.
I'm Nikolai, and this is...
...this is my band.
Low Shoulder.
Yeah, we heard... I've heard about you...
You play instruments really...
...super good.
Thank you, we are professionals.
Hey, sorry...
Can I ask you a question?
Why would you want to play all the way out here in the Devil's Kettle?
You live in city, right?
Yeah. But, you know what...
I think it's really important sometimes to try and connect with our fans in the...
...shitty areas too.
That's amazing.
- Can I-Can I buy you a drink? - Sure, what are we having?
They have this really awesome 9/11 tribute shooter?
It's red, white and blue, but you have to drink it really fast...
- ... or it turns brownish. - Alright, we'll drink it fast.
- Okay. - Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay! How-how you're gonna get alcohol?
I'll just play hello titty with the bartender.
Dirk, what about her?
Who, Jan Brady?
No, man! Fuck you!
I'm talking about the one who just went to get me a drink...
- ... the state fair butter princess. - That's the one.
- I don't know! Seriously, - I grew up in a town like this, okay...
...there's always that girl, if they show it off, they do not give it up.
You told us, you were from Brooklyn.
My point is, this girl's definitely a virgin. Okay?
- Now, I know girls like that... - I don't know.
Well, you know, we didn't turn all the way out here for nothing.
- So... - Excuse me.
- Hey! - Hey!
That's my best friend that you're talking about.
And you're right, she is a virgin.
And that beats sleeping with creeps like you.
The other one isn't full enough.
Those guys are rank, Jen. Just forget about it.
You know what? I think the lead singer wants me.
Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
What?
I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman.
And by the way, that hurts.
I couldn't even go to flags the next day.
I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
Oh, God!
- Good evening, Devil's Lake. - Devil's Kettle.
Fuckin' A right it is.
"Through the Trees" performed by Low Shoulder
All alone in an empty room,
Nothing left but the memories of when...
...I had my best friend.
I don't know how we ended up here,
I don't know but it's never been so clear,
We made a mistake, dear.
And I see...
...the broken glass in front of me.
I see...
...your shadow hanging over me.
And your face, I can see...
Through the trees,
I will find you.
I will heal the ruins left inside you,
Because I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here breathing now.
Until I'm set free.
Go quiet through the trees.
I remember how we used to talk,
About the places we would go when...
...we were off.
And all that we were gonna find.
And I remember our seeds grow,
And how you cried when you saw...
...the first leaves show.
Hey, get out of there.
I know where to go.
It's okay, okay, Jen.
- Jennifer? - Oh, thank God, you guys are alright.
I have been looking everywhere for you two.
This sucks! It's too dangerous out here.
You want to head somewhere safer, like my van?
What?
I'm in survival mode, right now. I want us to get to a familiar place...
...and right now, I feel like that's my van.
Okay...
Okay, this will help with the shock. Great.
Are you shocked? Have some of that.
No.
Jennifer?
Hey!
Let's go, Jennifer.
- Let's go to the van. - I want to go to your really cool van.
- Needy, let's go see his van. - Why? Why should we?
We have the Sebring, let's just get out of here, please.
Needy, just stop it.
Just shut up!
I watched her get into that van and I knew something awful was going to happen.
He was skinny and twisted and evil...
...like this petrified tree I saw when I was a kid.
- Hey, Niedermeyer. - Thank God, you're there.
- What wrong? - Jennifer's gone.
She ran off with that rock band. And Melody Lane burned down.
- You're okay, right? - Yeah.
There was this huge stampede and...
All the people who fainted got run over.
And you could hear their bones breaking.
And the people...
Like... the people on fire just smelled like...
- This is crazy. - But Jennifer's still with those creeps.
They took her in their spooky van with the windows all blacked out.
- Did you get the make and model? - I don't know, Chip. An '89 Rapist.
She's still in there. We have to go find her.
Who cares about Jennifer and those douchebags...
...with their douchebag haircuts and their manskirts.
People just burned to death.
Oh, cheese and fries! There's somebody here.
- I'm alone and I'm freaked out. - Where's your mom?
Swing shift.
Stay on the phone with me, okay?
- Needy, you want me to come over? - I don't know.
Maybe.
Needy?
Okay, now there's no one here.
So strange.
Maybe I'm going crazy.
Probably nothing.
- Look, I'll call you later. - Okay.
Hi.
What happened?
Jen?
My mom got that at Boston Market and...
We're not supposed to...
Jennifer...
Jennifer?
Jennifer.
Are you scared?
Jennifer!
There's a body in here.
I heard Needy and Jennifer were there.
And they had to fight their way out with a machete.
Look, she's not even moving.
It's called post traumatic stress disorder.
My Dad was in Operation Enduring Freedom...
...and he totally like, stopped talking for like months.
I'll be Perfect Prom Barbie, and you be her.
Why do I have to be Ugly Ashley?
What's wrong, Jennifer?
Don't tell my mom about this. She'll make me get a shot.
I"ll never tell on you.
Where's it at, Monistat?
- You're alright. - Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
- Because last night at my house... - You do have a tendency to overreact.
You remember, when we were in Girl Scout camp...
...and you totally thought there was an earthquake...
...but it was just two guys with a ghetto blaster?
People died, Jennifer. It's like all over the news.
National news.
Anybody that we know?
We know everyone!
Sucks to be them, I guess.
- What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?
Besides the obvious surface flaws.
I knew it was real.
I'd been up all night scrubbing the carnage off the linoleum.
- Shoot. - Please don't speak to yourself.
It's one of your more freakish Needy behaviors...
...and that makes us both look like total gaylords.
Eww, fuck, you need a mani bad.
You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.
This is a dark...
...dark day for Devil's Kettle.
And believe me you... I have lived through some...
...some pretty heavy stuff.
We lost eight... precious students...
...including, Ahmet, from India.
Several parents, and our beloved Spanish teacher,
- Señorita Erickson. - No way! Erickson ain't shit?
Now more than ever, put aside your teenage concerns about...
...who's the cool dude, or who's a ho'.
We can't let that damn fire win.
It already won.
God bless you, kids.
- No band practice today. - No anything today.
It's surreal, right?
I mean, when just one person dies in Devil's Kettle, it's like time stops.
I feel guilty just breathing.
Word.
Chip, I need to tell you something. Kind of weird.
- It's about Jennifer. - What?
Well, you know how last night we were talking and someone came to my house.
Well, It was Jennifer!
I mean, she looked like, she'd been beaten up or shot or something.
And then she barfed up this like disgusting...
...prickly stuff that looked like a roadkill...
- ... and like sewing needles mixed together. - Yuck.
She probably just inhaled a whole bunch of smoke or something.
No, Chip! No, it was like...
It was like evil!
Needy, I think you might want to talk to the school shrink.
I'm not saying that to be a dillhole.
Yeah, but don't tell whoppers and I'm not crazy.
I didn't say you were crazy. It's just...
...everybody's a little messed up about this. And it's okay to feel...
- Discombobulated? - Yeah! Fucked up!
- Hey, Needy. - Oh. Hi, Colin.
I heard you were there last night, in the fiery trenches.
Yeah.
I'm glad you didn't die.
Thanks.
Seriously.
How are you friends with Colin Gray?
I thought Colin Gray only talked to the dead girls.
I just am.
We have Creative Non-Fiction together. He's a really good writer.
He's like all dark and emotional and stuff.
Well, I'm like that too, I mean, I can relate.
I'm not all obvious about it like...
...a poseur.
Walk me home?
You know it, baby.
"Sacred Heart " performed by It Dies Today
- Hi. - Hey.
Jennifer.
I'm crazy sorry about your profound loss.
You're crying about Craig, right?
He was my best friend.
You know, I was there last night.
And I was probably the last person to talk to him.
- Like, ever. - Wow!
You-You know what he said?
Craig said that he always thought that you and me...
...would make a totally banging couple.
Isn't that so weird?
He-He said 'banging'?
Feel my heart, Jonas.
I think it's broken.
Mine too.
You come with me, just for a little while.
It's what Craig would have wanted.
- Yeah. - Yeah!
You're so warm...
- Why are you so warm? - Shutties!
Jennifer.
- Jen... - What?
Look.
They're waiting.
Okay.
Do you miss Craig?
Of course.
Well, you're gonna see your buddy really soon.
What? You mean like in heaven someday?
Nope.
God!
Let it all out, kids.
"Teenagers" performed by Hayley Williams
You want some baloney, Specter?
And that was Low Shoulder...
...the local band who became the unlikely heroes of the tragedy...
...in Devil's Kettle last night.
Eyewitnesses say the boys helped numerous people escape the inferno,
...risking their own lives in the process.
That's rock n' roll with a conscience, ladies and gentlemen.
And guess what?
We're honored to have Low Shoulder in the studio right now.
How are you guys holding up?
We're maintaining, man.
It's not easy, but you know the real heroes...
...are people in Devil's Lake.
I just hope we can purvey one-tenth of their courage...
...and spirit on our upcoming album.
Virgin Mother!
- Crap. - You said it.
Hi, Mom.
I didn't know you were up.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I had another one of my night terrors.
Well, it's 4 o'clock.
- So technically you had a day terror. - Hmm, right.
What did you dream about?
I dreamed some bad people who were trying to nail you to a tree...
...with hammers and...
...big stakes and shit.
Just like JC.
But I didn't let them get you.
Because I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.
I can take care of myself.
Now, you say that.
But one day you're gonna be crying out for me and I'm not gonna be there.
"Celestial Crown" performed by The Sword
...a terrific fire destroyed the popular local nightclub in Devil's Kettle last night.
- Yeah? - I feel so scrumptious!
Goody for you.
You know, when you kiss your boyfriend for the first time...
...and it feels like your entire body is on vibrate.
Yeah.
It's that good.
Well, that's nice.
I'm little bit depressed about, you know,
...the giant smoldering funeral pyre in the middle of the town.
Move on dot org, Needy! It's over.
Life is too short to be moping around about some white-trash pig roast.
That's sweet, Jen.
You know, I tell it like it is. And besides, you know what?
You should be happy for me, because I'm having the best day since like...
...Jesus invented the calendar.
Jesus didn't invent the calendar.
Whatever.
- The other line, hold on. - So blow it off.
It'll just be a minute.
I'm crossing you out.
Hey!
- I need to see you right now. - I can barely hear you.
Because Camille is playing the piano.
- Knock it off, Camille! - You knock it off!
Can you meet at McCullum in ten?
You knock it off, Chip! You're penis cheese!
At fifteen?
"New in Town" performed by Little Boots
- I gotta go. - I am a god.
Okay.
I gonna meet Chip at McCullum Park.
You know, Chip is looking really cute to me lately.
So tell me, is he like packing some serious pubic inches?
What's the story down there?
I gotta go.
- Why are the cops at your house? - They're not.
They're at Jonas Kozelle's house.
Why? He tried to sell fake peyote to the 8th graders again?
No, Needy, he was murdered.
- What? - Yeah!
Someone ripped Jonas limb from limb in the woods behind the school.
They ate parts of him.
No one's supposed to know yet.
But my father just went over there and talked to the cops.
His mom is like catatonic.
She's just staring out the front window like a zombie mannequin robot statue.
This can't be a coincidence.
- What you talking about, Needy? - A fiery death trap last night,
And now a cannibal psycho takes down the biggest guy in school, come on.
It's freaktarded.
Well, the bad luck's gotta be over, right?
I mean, it can't get any worse, right? It can't.
I mean, you agree, right?
You're shaking.
I'm cold.
- It's very cold out here. - You want my hoodie?
"Through the Trees" performed by Low Shoulder
All alone in an empty room.
The days marched on as usual,
...but most of us were too numb to enjoy ourselves.
Most of us.
I don't know how we ended up here.
I don't know but it's never been so clear.
We made a mistake, dear.
To the rest of the world we were famous. We were saints.
Our town's only bar had burned to the ground.
And our star linebacker was someone's snack pack.
The whole country got a huge tragedy boner for Devil's Kettle.
And the press, God!
They couldn't get enough of our little world of shit.
Through the trees.
I will find you.
I will heal the ruins left inside you.
Because I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here breathing now.
Until I'm set free.
Go quiet through the trees.
Still, we were healing.
Like Chip, we figured things could only get better.
We had faith.
We were fucking idiots.
Before the period ends, I would like to make an announcement.
As you all know, today is the one month anniversary of...
...the tragedy at Melody Lane,
...and the murder of Jonas Kozelle.
Boring.
As I was saying, Jennifer...
...and Needy.
I finally got some good news to share with all of you.
The members of the rock n' roll group Low Shoulder,
...have decided to extend a helping hand to our community.
As you all know, their song...
'Through the Trees'
...has become our unofficial anthem of unity and healing.
And they have decided to release it as a benefit single.
3% of the profits will go to local families who have been affected by loss.
What about the other 97%?
I mean, that's just crass. Right?
Crass.
It means greedy. Exploitative. Scummy.
- Low Shoulder are American heroes. - No, they're not.
I was there, Chastity.
They didn't help anybody escape the fire.
I don't even know how that rumor all got started.
Rumor?
It's true!
It's on the Wikipedia.
We wouldn't even know who they were if they hadn't been playing that night.
- They used us. - You take that back, Needy Lesnicki!
Girls?
We need them now more than ever.
That's enough.
- I'm already sick of that song. - Yeah, it's really poorly produced.
- Could the bass be any lower in the mix? - No offense,
...but you really look tired.
- Is everything, okay? - No.
I feel like boo-boo.
My skin is breaking out and my hair is dull and lifeless.
Oh, God.
It's like I'm one of the normal girls!
Are you PMS-ing or something?
PMS isn't real, Needy.
It was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy.
Don't look at me like that.
- It's just wearing off or something. - What's wearing off?
Hello, Needy.
Hi.
Jennifer.
Hey, Colin.
Can I borrow your English homework again?
I forgot to read Hamlet.
Is he gonna fuck his mom?
I don't... I don't... I don't think so.
I sort of wanted to ask you something.
- You want to know if I'll go out with you? - No.
Yeah! What?
- How-How did you know? - Just go ahead with the pitch.
Okay.
Well, we have been having a lot fun in the class, you and I,
...and I thought maybe you would like to go, see a movie...
...or something.
There's a midnight showing of Rocky Horror at the Bijou, next weekend.
I don't like boxing movies.
Yeah, but... It's not a...
...fucking boxing movie.
Fuck it, okay. Forget it.
That was random.
I'm used to boys asking me out, Needy.
Colin's really nice.
He's into maggot rock. He wears nail polish.
- My dick is bigger than his. - Well, I think he is really cool.
- You do? - Yeah.
Wait! Colin?
Why don't you just come by my place tonight?
I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about this girl who's like, half-sushi.
I guess she has sex through a blowhole or something.
Okay.
Great! Yeah.
Okay, I'll text you my address.
Cool.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hi, Chip.
Get a room.
So talking to your mysterious pal, Colin Gray, again?
No.
- He was asking Jennifer out on a date. - That's weird.
So, you're gonna come over tonight?
Sure. I'd like that.
I went to Super Target and picked up more condoms. So,
- Thanks. - Not that that has anything to do with...
Oh, no. I didn't assume that.
Well, I'm...
Okay, I'll see you tonight then.
Okay.
It's for ambiance.
It's Jamming Jasmine.
My mom has holiday scents too, if you...?
No, this is nice.
"Time" performed by Cute Is What We Aim For
I've always thought the left was your strongest side.
But when it comes to you, now I can't decide.
It's only a matter of...
...time.
"I Can See Clearly Now" performed by Screeching Weasel
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright, bright. Sun-Shiny day.
I think I can make it now, the rain is gone.
All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright, bright. Sun-Shiny day.
Hello?
Jennifer?
"I Wanna Love You" performed by Akon and Snoop Dogg
...you already know.
I wanna love you, love you, you already know.
Slippery Swirl?
Yeah, it's supposed to make it feel good for the girl.
Cool!
Baby you got a phatty, the type I like to marry.
Wanting to just give you everything and that's kinda scary.
Because I'm loving the way you shake your ass.
Bouncing, got me tipping my glass.
Normally don’t get caught up too fast.
But I got a thing for you.
I see you winding and grinding up on the floor.
I know you see me looking at you and you already know.
I wanna love you, love you, you already know.
I wanna...
I wanna love you, love you, you already know.
You made it.
What's going on?
This...
This isn't really your house, is it?
No, baby.
This is our house.
Just for you and me.
We can play Mommy and Daddy.
Do you even know my last name?
Silly.
I've been sending you signals all year.
Couldn't you tell?
You give me such a wettie.
Put it in.
Jennifer!
What?
Are you scared?
I mean, I thought boys like you were really into... vermin.
Death and shit.
Here you go.
Nice hardware, ace.
No way...
Shit!
Oh, puncture wound!
God, that's so emo.
I need you frightened.
I need you hopeless.
Hopeless!
What?
Am I hurting you?
Am I too big?
What?
Needy! What's wrong?
Is it something I did?
Mommy! Mommy?
Are you scared?
Hi.
Hi, Needy! Enough with this screaming.
- You're such a cliché. - Get out!
But we always share your bed when we have slumber parties.
I'm not gonna bite you.
How may you own that t-shirt?
- What the fuck is happening? - My God, Needy!
I have never heard you drop the f-bomb before.
- You! I saw you! I saw you! - Buh-buh-buh.
Slow down, tardy slip. You sound like a sped.
I'm gonna call the police.
Oh, okay! Why don't you narc me out.
I've the cops in my back pocket, Needy.
I'm fucking a cadet, remember?
What you want from me?
Just only explain some things to you.
Besides, best friends don't keep secrets. Right?
In case you don't remember the night of the fire...
I got really messed up.
And those guys from Low Shoulder.
Totally evil.
They are basically like agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts.
"Finishing School" performed by Dashboard Confessional
Where-Where are we going?
You don't have to talk, if you don't want to.
Are you guys rapists?
Oh, God! I hate girls.
Are you even sure she's a fucking virgin, man?
Yes! Yes, I'm a virgin!
I'm a virgn! I never-never even done sex. I don't know how.
So, you guys should find somebody who does...
...know how.
See, Dirk?
I told you, man. You owe me a beer.
What did they do to you?
Let me finish.
So they drove me out to the falls.
And I kept looking for a way to escape, but...
...it's really dark out there.
Where are you going, huh?
We got a waxing moon tonight, you guys.
Just like the ritual said.
One of you guys have something to shut her up with?
This is great. But get it nice and tight though,
because I don't want to get fuckin' clawed.
I don't know if we should go through with this.
Dirk.
You wanna work at Moose Hoof Coffee forever? I don't.
Okay?
You wanna be a big loser or...
...do you wanna be rich...
...and awesome like that guy from Maroon 5?
Maroon 5.
Okay, that's what I thought.
Go and fetch me the ritual, brother.
Thank you.
Alright.
- That's it? - Yeah, I found it online.
We come here tonight to sacrifice the body of...
What's your name again? Tiffany?
My name is Jennifer.
Super.
We come here tonight...
...to sacrifice the body of Jennifer from Devil's Kettle.
Please, please...
Please let me go. I'll do anything. I'll do any...
Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days?
There's so many of us.
We're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman...
...or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay?
Satan is our only hope.
We're in league with the beast now.
And we have to make a really big impression on him.
And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you.
And bleed you.
And Dirk here is gonna wear your face.
Relax, I'm kidding about the face.
The rest is gonna happen though.
You know what? Maybe we'll write a song about you.
I think as a fan that would be pretty cool, right?
With the deepest malice,
We deliver this virgin unto thee.
Dude, that is a hot murder weapon.
It's a bowie knife.
Bowie? Nice.
Alright, here we go! It's gonna be knarly.
Help me please... please... Help me...
Wait a sec! I just thought of something.
Jenny.
Jenny, you're the girl for me.
You don't know me. But you make me so happy.
I tried to call you before, but I lost my nerve.
I used my imagination.
But I was disturbed.
Jenny, I got your number.
I need to make you mine.
Jenny, don’t change your number,
...8-6-7-5-3-0-9...
- They killed you. - Oops!
I'm still here, aren't I?
I mean, they did go Benihana on my ass with that knife.
And it should have killed me but...
...for some reason...
...it didn't.
Maybe it did.
Anyway, I don't really remember what happened after that.
I just know that I woke up and...
...I found my way back to you.
I remember.
I couldn't bring myself to hurt you.
I mean, I'm a really good friend.
I was just so hungry.
Ahmet!
You made it out?
Are you lost?
Does your host family know that you're alive?
Does anyone know you're alive?
You come with me.
We're gonna sort all of this out.
And ever since then, I just knew what I have to do to be strong.
And when I'm full, like I'm right now. I'm like...
...unkillable.
Like I can do shit like this. Watch!
It's really cool. Just watch. Look.
It's like some X-Men shit, right?
What do you mean, when you're full?
What about my mom's Kia?
Why were you covered in blood?
You didn't even look human.
You know, Needy, maybe you should talk to somebody about these...
...disturbing thoughts...
...that you're having. We're all really concerned.
Especially, Chip.
I think he may be having second thoughts about you.
Leave!
Come on, Needy. Let me stay the night.
We can play 'boyfriend-girlfriend' like we used to.
- What are you doing? - Um, you said to leave.
See you at school.
We're gathered here to celebrate the life of Colin Gray.
Who was plucked from the prime of his youth.
They did a big memorial assembly for Colin at school.
And we had to watch another presentation about curfews...
...and the buddy system and how to deal with grief.
But nobody seemed to care anymore.
Sorrow was last week's emotion.
Sure we all hope this would be the last funeral.
But I knew better.
So I did some research.
Paranormal research.
Offering a virgin to satan.
...forever feed on flesh to...
Destroying a demon.
Demons are weakest when hungry.
But a blade to the heart is the surest way to kill the beast.
Jennifer and I hadn't spoken since our encounter in my room.
Actually, I hadn't really spoken to anyone.
Hey.
I just bought our formal tickets.
Did you make reservations at the Cheesecake Factory?
Chip, I can't go to the dance with you.
What? Why?
Look, just trust me.
You shouldn't go at all.
- What're you talking about? - Not here.
What's going on? You're breaking up with me?
Please, Chip. I just need to tell you something.
- Is this about Jennifer? - Yes.
- But I promise you this is the last time... - Needy, I care about you.
A lot.
As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes tonight.
And-And I'm scared of what's happening to you.
- You're acting really fucked up. - Please just let me show you.
Okay.
Jennifer's evil.
I know.
No, I mean, she's actually evil.
Not high school evil.
I've been through the occult section of the library five times.
Our library has a occult section?
Yeah, its-its really small...
You have to read this.
- Demon... - Demonic transference.
It's something that happens...
...when you try to sacrifice a virgin to Satan...
...without using an actual virgin.
The guys from the band...
...tried to sacrifice her in the woods.
But what they didn't know...
...is that she hasn't been a virgin since junior high.
It all makes sense now. Read this.
If the human sacrifice is impure,
...the result may still be attained.
But a demon will ever reside in the soul of the victim.
She must forever feed on flesh to sustain the demon.
- Okay. - She's eating boys!
They like make her really...
...pretty and glowy...
...and her hair looks amazing.
And then when she's hungry, she's weak and cranky and ugly.
I mean like ugly for her.
Don't you get it?
The dance.
It'll be like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Needy, I think you need help.
Oh, my God! You don't believe me.
It's not that I don't believe you, I just don't believe this.
God, this is a nightmare.
And what about the dance?
- Who cares about the goddamn dance, Chip? - I do.
I ordered your corsage, it's an orchid.
It was like $12.
I'll be at the dance.
I just need to keep an eye on Jennifer.
Promise me, you're not gonna go.
Needy, I...
...I'm not your guy anymore?
Chip, it's not safe for us to be together right now.
"Finishing School" performed by Dashboard Confessional
You hit me once, I hit you back.
You gave a kick, I gave a slap.
You smashed a plate over my head.
Then I set fire to our bed.
You hit me once, I hit you back.
You gave a kick, I gave a slap.
You smashed a plate over my head.
Then I set fire to our bed.
You hit me once, I hit you back.
You gave a kick, I gave a slap.
All over Devil's Kettle, kids are getting ready for the dance.
Blissfully ignorant that some poor chump was on his way to being Satan chow.
- I'm in my underpants, Mom! - I need to give you something.
What, Mom?
Ladies’ pepper spray?
There's obviously a sicko out there who likes boys.
Mom, I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.
Did you hear what Colin Gray looked like when they found him?
- Lasagna with teeth? - You heard.
You picking Needy up at her house?
I'm-I'm meeting her at the dance.
I want pictures with your sister before you go.
Yes, ma'am.
"New Perspective" performed by Panic at the Disco
Stop there and let me correct it.
I wanna live a life from a new perspective.
You come along because I love your face.
And I'll admire your expensive taste.
And who cares divine intervention.
I wanna be praised from a new perspective.
Okay, one more.
Back to back.
Big smiles.
Cheese.
"Death" performed by White Lies
I wonder what keeps us so high up.
Could there be a love beneath these wings.
If we suddenly fall should I scream out?
Keep very quiet and cling to my mouth as I'm crying.
So frightened of dying,
Relax, yes, I'm trying,
But fears got a hold on me.
Yes, this fears got a hold on me.
Here, we all are...
Quiet-Quiet down, please.
Boys?
Thank you.
Welcome...
...to the Spring Formal.
Chip!
Didn't you hear me calling your name?
You weren't calling my name.
Yes, I was.
I- I couldn't hear it.
Listen, I need to talk to you about you-know-who.
Our little Needy.
I hope everybody had enough opportunity to consume some of the...
...Pecan Sandies...
...and Cran-Grape...
...that was so generously donated by the Parents' Club.
But the real treat is yet to come.
She's been acting a little off lately.
Look,
I think I know what's wrong with her.
What? What is it?
You know, how Needy has been really upset since Colin Gray died?
Well, it's not just because he was like...
...brutally murdered and stuff.
- I don't wanna say this. - Say it!
Needy and Colin were intimate.
And by that...
...I mean they were porking on a semi-regular basis.
No...
She and Colin were doing things that you have never even heard of.
Okay, total varsity moves.
I just can't believe that she would mess with your head like this.
I care about you so much, Chip.
More than I've ever had the guts to admit.
These fine, young gentlemen,
...have been generous enough to take time out...
...from their sold-out national tour.
To play our dance. For free.
Needy didn't deserve a boy like you.
Boys and girls,
...please welcome...
...Low Shoulder!
"Through The Trees" performed by Low Shoulder
All alone in an empty room,
Nothing left but the memories of when...
...I had my best friend.
Oh, you're so salty!
Yeah! You're...
...salty too.
Say it like you mean it.
- Say I'm better than Needy. - What? Why?
Take my breath as your own.
Take my eyes to guide you home.
Because I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here...
Chip!
Because I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here breathing now.
And I'm still here so...
Because I'm still here breathing now.
I'm still here breathing now.
And I'm still here...
Because I'm not coming back.
- What are you doing? - Swimming.
Come on, Chip.
Show me your breast stroke.
I feel so empty.
Yeah, me too.
Why don't you just come here and kiss me again.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
This just feels weird.
Help!
Needy.
She can fly?
She's just hovering.
It's not that impressive.
God, do you have to undermine everything that I do?
You're such a player-hater.
You're a jerk.
Wow! Nice insult, Hannah Montana!
You got any more harsh digs?
You know what?
You were never a good friend.
Even when we were little. You used to steal my toys...
- ... and pour lemonade on my bed. - And now I'm eating your boyfriend!
See, at least I'm consistent.
Why do you need him? Huh?
You could have anybody that you want, Jennifer.
So... why Chip?
Is it just to tick me off?
Or is it because you're just really insecure?
I'm not insecure, Needy.
God, that's a joke!
How can I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen!
Yeah...
...two years ago. When you were socially relevant.
I'm still socially relevant.
And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny.
I am going...
...to eat your soul...
...and shit it out, Lesnicki.
I thought you only murdered boys.
I go both ways.
You got a tampon?
Thought I'd ask.
You seemed like you might be plugging.
Oh, Chip!
Needy.
I should have believed you.
I'm sorry.
No, no! Listen to me! Listen to me! I'm gonna get some help, okay?
Okay? Yeah, okay.
It's not working.
Come on.
Needy. Needy.
I'm going somewhere.
No! No, no, no. you're not going anywhere.
Yes, I am.
I think I already died before you got here,
...but I woke up when I heard your voice.
I love you.
I love you too.
And you look totally hot in that dress.
Oh, God! You're clearly delirious.
No, I'm not.
Chip?
No!
Best friends forever, huh?
You killed my fucking boyfriend!
You goddamned monster! You... zombitch!
You know what this is for?
It's for cutting boxes.
Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot?
God, you're butch.
Cross out Jennifer!
My tit!
No...
...your heart.
Oh, Jennifer! What is it, baby?
Needy?
Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
I don't know who Needy Lesnicki is anymore.
I'm a different person now.
A person who uses curse words...
...and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there.
A very bad, very damaged person.
But sometimes, change can be good.
For instance, most occult scholars don't know this...
...but if you're bitten by a demon...
...and you live...
...you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities.
You just might get lucky for once in your miserable life.
- Where you looking to go, young lady? - East, towards Madison.
Hop in my chariot.
So why you headed East?
I'm following this rock band.
Must be one in hell of a group.
Tonight's gonna be their last show.
"Violet" performed by Hole
And the sky was made of amethyst.
And all the stars look just like little fish.
You should learn when to go.
You should learn how to say no.
Might last a day, yeah-h-h!
Mine is forever.
Might last a day, yeah-h-h!
Well, mine is forever.
When they get what they want, they never want it again.
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to.
Hey, look at this motherfucker.
Go get the door. Doorbell's ringing. Go open the door.
Get the fuck outta here, fuckhead.