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[ Shutter Whirring ]

 

I need a father who's a role model,
not some horny geek boy...

 

who's going to spray his shorts whenever
I bring a girlfriend home from school.

 

What a lame-o.

 

Someone really should just put him
out of his misery.

 

[ Boy ]
You want me to kill him for you ?

 

Yeah. Would you ?

 

[ Shutter Whirring,
CIicking Off ]

 

[ Man Narrating ]
My name is Lester Burnham.

 

This is my neighborhood.

 

This is my street.

 

This is my life.

 

I'm 42 years old.
In less than a year, I'll be dead.

 

[ Alarm Ringing ]

 

Of course,
I don't know that yet.

 

And in a way,
I'm dead already.

 

Look at me:
jerking off in the shower.

 

This will be the high point of my day.
It's all downhill from here.

 

That's my wife, Carolyn.

 

See the way the handle on those pruning
shears matches her gardening clogs ?

 

- That's not an accident.
- [ Dog Barking ]

 

[ Man ]
Hush, Bitsy !

 

- Hush. What is wrong with you ?
- That's our next-door neighbor, Jim.

 

- And that's his lover, Jim.
- [ Both Arguing ]

 

- You spoiI her.
Bitsy, no bark. Come inside now.
- Me ?

 

- Come on. Yes. Inside.
- [ Carolyn ] Good morning, Jim !

 

Good morning, Carolyn.

 

I love your tie !
That color !

 

I just love your roses. How do you
get them to flourish like this ?

 

Well, I'll tell you:
eggshells and Miracle-Gro.

 

- I've never heard that.
- Man, I get exhausted just watching her.

 

She wasn't always like this.
She used to be happy.

 

We used to be happy.

 

My daughter Jane.
Only child.

 

- Janie's a pretty typical teenager:
- [ Computer Beeps ]

 

angry, insecure, confused.

 

I wish I could tell her that's all going
to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.

 

[ Horn Honking ]

 

Jane, honey, are you trying
to look unattractive ?

 

- Yes.
- Congratulations.
You've succeeded admirably.

 

Lester, could you make me
a little later, please,
because I'm not quite late enough.

 

[ Mutters, Indistinct ]

 

Nice going, Dad.

 

[ Lester Narrating ] Both my wife and
daughter think I'm this gigantic loser.

 

And they're right.

 

I have lost something.

 

I'm not exactly sure
what it is,

 

but I know
I didn't always feel this...

 

sedated.

 

But you know what ?

 

It's never too late
to get it back.

 

Hello. This is Lester Burnham
from Medla Monthly magazine.

 

I'm calling
for Mr. Tamblin, please.

 

Well, we're all under
a deadline here. You see,
there's some basic information...

 

about your product launch
that isn't even covered
in your press reIease, and I'd--

 

Yeah, c--
can I ask you a question ?

 

Who is Tamblin ? Does he exist ?
'Cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.

 

Yeah. Okay.
I'll leave my number.

 

It's 555-0199.

 

Lester Burnham.
Thank you !

 

Hey, Les.
You got a minute ?

 

For you, Brad,
I got five !

 

So, yeah, I'm sure you can understand
our need to cut corners around here.

 

Oh, sure.
Times are tight.

 

You got to free up some cash.
You got to spend money to make money.

 

- Right ?
- exactly.

 

Like the time that Mr. Flournoy
used the company MasterCard
to pay for that hooker,

 

and she used the card numbers
and stayed at the St. Regis for,
what was it, three months ?

 

- That's unsubstantlated gossip.
- That's $50,000.
That's somebody's salary.

 

That's somebody who's going
to get fired because Craig
has to pay women to fuck him !

 

Jesus !

 

I mean, calm down.
Nobody's getting fired yet.

 

- [ Scoffs ]
- That's why we're having everyone...

 

write out a job description mapping
out in detail how they contribute.

 

That way management
can assess who's valuable--

 

And who's expendable.

 

It's just business.

 

I've been writing
for this magazine for 14 years.

 

- You've been here how long?
A whole month ?
- I'm one of the good guys, Les.

 

I'm trying to level with you.

 

This is your one chance
to save your job.

 

[ Carolyn ] There is no decision.
You just write the damn thing.

 

- [ Lester ] You don't think
it's weird and kind of fascist ?
- Possibly.

 

- But you don't want to be unemployed.
- all right.

 

Let's just all sell our souIs
and work for Satan 'cause
it's more convenient that way.

 

Oh, could you be a little bit
more dramatic, please, huh ?

 

So, we finally
got new neighbors.

 

You know, if the Lomans
had let me represent them
instead of the real Estate King,

 

that house Would never
have sat on the market for six months.

 

Well, they were still mad at you
for cutting down their sycamore.

 

Their sycamore ?
Come on.

 

A substantlaI portion of the root
structure was on our property.

 

You know that.
How can you call it their sycamore ?

 

I Wouldn't have the heart to just cut
down something if it wasn't partlally
mine, which, of course, it was.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Stereo: InstrumentaI ]

 

[ Woman Singing ]
¢Ü Ball Ha'i ¢Ü

 

¢Ü They call you ¢Ü¢Ü

 

- ¢Ü¢Ü [ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Mom, do we always have to listen
to this elevator music ?

 

No. No, we don't.

 

And as soon you've prepared a nutritious
yet savory meaI that I'm about to eat,

 

you can listen
to whatever you like.

 

So, Janie, how was school?

 

It was okay.

 

Just okay?

 

No, Dad.
It was spectacular.

 

Well, you want to know
how things went in my job today?

 

They've hired
this efficiency expert,

 

this really friendly guy
named Brad--

 

How perfect is that ?
And he's basically there
to make it seem they're justified...

 

in firing somebody,
because they couldn't just come
out and say that, could they ?

 

No, no. That Would just be too honest.
So they've asked us--

 

[ ChuckIing ] You couldn't
Possibly care less, could you ?

 

What do you expect ?

 

You can't all of a sudden be my best
friend just because you had a bad day.

 

I mean, Hello, you've bareIy even
spoken to me for months.

 

Oh, what ?
You're "Mother of the Year" ?

 

- [ Muttering ]
You treat her like an employee.
- What?

 

[ Shouts ]
What?

 

I'm going
to get some ice cream.

 

Janie...

 

I'm sorry I haven't
been more avallabIe.

 

I'm just-- I--

 

You know, you don't always
have to wait for me to come to you.

 

Oh, great.
So now it's my fault ?

 

I didn't say that.
It's nobody's fauIt. It--

 

Janie, what happened ?
We used to be pals.

 

[ InaudibIe ]

 

[ Water Running ]

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Humming ]

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Stops Humming ]

 

[ Grunts ]

 

[ ExhaIes Forcefully ]

 

I will sell this house today.

 

I will sell this house today.
I will sell this house today.

 

[ Coughing ]

 

I will sell this house today.

 

Welcome.
I'm Carolyn Burnham.

 

This Iiving room
is very dramatic.

 

Wait till you see
the native stone fireplace !

 

A simpIe cream could
really Iighten things up.
You could even put in a skyIight.

 

Well, why don't we
go into the kitchen ?

 

It's a dream come true
for any cook.

 

Just filied
with positive energy, huh ?

 

And you'II be surprised
how much a ceiIing fan can
cut down on your energy costs.

 

You know, you could have some fun
backyard get-togethers out here.

 

The ad said this pooI was lagoon-like.
There's nothing lagoon-like about it.

 

Except for maybe the bugs.
There aren't even any plants out here.

 

What do you call this ?
Is this not a plant ?

 

If you have a probIem with the plants, I
can always call my landscape architect.

 

- Solved.
- I mean, I think "lagoon,"
I think waterfall, tropical.

 

This is a cement hoIe.

 

Uh...

 

I have some tiki torches
in the garage.

 

[ Crying ]

 

Shut up ! Stop it !
You weak-- You baby !

 

Shut up ! Shut up !
Shut up !

 

[ Gasping ]

 

- [ Crowd Cheering ]
- [ Drums Beating Rhythmically ]

 

[ Players Shouting
To Each Other ]

 

[ Crowd Cheering ]

 

Who are you looking for?

 

My parents are coming tonight.

 

They're trying to, you know,
take an active interest in me.

 

Gross. I hate it
when my mom does that.

 

They're such asshoIes. Why can't
they just have their own lives ?

 

[ girls Screeching ]

 

[ Lester ]
What makes you sure she wants us
to be there ? Did she ask us to come ?

 

Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to her.

 

But she's been practicing
for weeks.

 

I'll bet she's going to
resent it, and I'm missing
the James Bond marathon on T.N.T.

 

Lester, this is important.
I'm sensing a real distance
growing between you and Jane.

 

"Growing"?
She hates me.

 

- She's just willful.
- She hates you too.

 

[ all Shouting ]

 

[ girls Cheering ]

 

- Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Pardon me.

 

- [ Buzzer Sounding ]
- Hi ! Patty !

 

[ Announcer Over P.A. ]
Now, for your haIftime entertainment,

 

RockWell High's award-winning
Dancing Spartanettes !

 

We can leave
right after this, right?

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Band Playing "On Broadway" ]

 

[ Audience Clapping In Tune ]

 

[ Ambient Noise Fades ]

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ "On Broadway" Finishes ]

 

[ Crowd Cheering ]

 

Shit. They're still here.

 

Janie !

 

Hey, I really enjoyed that.

 

- Congratulations, honey. You were great.
- I didn't win anything.

 

- Hi. I'm Lester, Janie's dad.
- Oh, hi.

 

This is my friend,
Angela Hayes.

 

Okay. Good to meet you.

 

You were aIso good tonight,
very... precise.

 

- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you, Angela.

 

Honey-- [ Grunts ]
I am so proud of you.

 

You know, I watched you very closely.
You didn't screw up once.

 

Okay, uh, we have to go.

 

- So what are you girls doing now ?
- Dad.

 

- We're going out for pizza.
- really ? Do you need a ride ?
We can give you a ride.

 

- I have a car.
You want to come with us ?
- Thanks, but I have a car.

 

You have a car.
That's great. That's great.

 

Janie's thinking about
getting a car, too, soon, aren't you?

 

Dad, Mom's waiting for you.

 

Well, it was very nice
meeting you, Angela.

 

Any friend of Janie's...

 

is a... friend of mine.
[ ExhaIes ]

 

Well... I'll be
seeing you around, then.

 

could he be any more...
pathetic ?

 

I think he's sweet.

 

And I think he and your mother
have not had sex in a long time.

 

[ Lester Narrating ]
It's the weirdest thing.

 

I feel like I've been in a coma
for about 20 years...

 

and I'm just now waking up.

 

Spec-tacular.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Radio: Rock ]

 

I'm so sorry
my dad was weird tonight.

 

That's okay.

 

I'm used to guys
drooIing over me.

 

It started
when I was about 12.

 

I'd go to dinner
with my parents.

 

Every Thursday night: Red Lobster.
[ ChuckIes ]

 

Every guy there Would stare at me
when I walked in.

 

And I knew
what they were thinking,

 

just like I knew guys at school thought
about me when they jerked off.

 

- Vomit.
- No. I liked it.

 

I still like it. If people I don't even
know look at me and want to fuck me,

 

it means I really have a shot
at being a model.

 

Which is great,

 

because there's nothing worse in life
than being ordinary.

 

I really think
it'll happen for you.

 

I know.

 

Because everything that was meant
to happen, does... eventually.

 

Asshole.

 

[ Shower Running ]

 

[ Phone Ringing ]

 

[ Angela ]
Hello? Hello?

 

- [ Clanking ]
- [ Phone Beeps Off ]

 

[ Phone Rings ]

 

- Hello ?
- Why'd you call me ?

 

I didn't.

 

Well, my phone just rang and
I answered it, and somebody hung up.

 

- And I star-69ed,
and I called you back.
- Well, I was in the shower.

 

Oh, gross !

 

[ Woman ]
Ricky ! Breakfast !

 

Be right there.

 

- Mom.
- Hello.

 

I don't eat bacon, remember?

 

I'm sorry.
I must've forgotten.

 

What's new in the world, Dad ?

 

This country
is going straight to hell.

 

[ DoorbeII Ringing ]

 

- Are you expecting anyone ?
- No.

 

No.

 

- Hi.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.

 

- It's just a little something
from our garden.
- Except for the pasta.

 

- We got that at Fallaci's.
- Right. It's unbelievably fresh.

 

You just-- You drop it
in the water, and it's done.

 

Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down.
Welcome to the neighborhood.

 

CoIoneI Frank Fitts,
U.S. Marine Corps.

 

- It's nice to meet you.
This is my partner--
- Jim BerkIey, but call me J.B.

 

Let's cut to chase, okay
What are you guys selling?

 

- [ ChuckIes ] We--
- Nothing. We just wanted to
say hi to our new neighbors.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you're
partners, so what's your business ?

 

Well... he is a tax attorney.

 

And he's an anesthesiologist.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Frank Humming ]

 

How come these faggots
always have to rub it in your face ?

 

How can they
be so shameless ?

 

- ¢Ü¢Ü [ Resumes Humming ]
- That's the whole thing, Dad.

 

They don't feel that's anything
to be ashamed of.

 

Well, it is.

 

- Yeah, you're right.
- Don't placate me
like I'm your mother, boy.

 

Forgive me, sir,
for speaking so bIuntIy,

 

but those fags make me want
to puke my fucking guts out.

 

Well, me too, son.
Yeah. Me too.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Frank Resumes Humming ]

 

[ Angela ] I'm serious. He just
pulied down his pants and yanked it out.

 

- You know, like,
"Say Hello to Mr. Happy."
- Gross !

 

- It wasn't gross. It was kind of cooI.
- So did you do it with him ?

 

Of course. He's a really
Well-known photographer.

 

He shoots for Elie on,
like, a regular basis.

 

- It Would've been majorly stupid
of me to turn him down.
- You are a totaI prostitute.

 

Hey, that's how
things really are.

 

You just don't know because you're
this pampered little suburban chick.

 

So are you. You've Only been
in Seventeen once, and you looked fat.

 

So stop acting like you're
goddamn Christy Turlington !

 

Cunt !

 

I am so sick of people
taking their insecurities out on me.

 

- Oh, my God. That's the pervert
who fiImed me last night.
- Him ?

 

Jane. No way.
He's a totaI lunatic.

 

- Do you know him ?
- Yeah.

 

We were on the same lunch shift
when I was in ninth grade,

 

and he Would always save
the most random, weird things.

 

And then one day,
he was just, like, gone.

 

And then Connie Cardullo told me
that his parents had to put him
in a mentaI institution.

 

Why ? What did he do?

 

What do you mean?

 

Well, they can't put you away
just for saying weird things.

 

You totaI sIut.
You've got a crush on him.

 

- What? please!
- You are defending him. You love him.

 

- You want to have, like,
10,000 of his babies.
- Shut up.

 

Hi. My name's Ricky.
I just moved next door to you.

 

I know.

 

I kind of remember this creepy incident
where you were filming me last night ?

 

- I didn't mean to scare you.
I just think you're interesting.
- Thanks.

 

But I really don't need to have some
psycho obsessing about me right now.

 

I'm not obsessing.
I'm just curious.

 

What a freak.

 

And why does he dress
like a BibIe salesman ?

 

He's, like, so confident.

 

That can't be real.

 

I don't believe him.

 

I mean, he didn't even,
like, look at me once.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ BugIe: "Reveilie" ]

 

- How'd you get in the Army ?
- Sergeant, I got three reasons
for being in the Army.

 

First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love
my country. And third, they nalled me.

 

[ Laughs ]

 

[ TV Chatter Continues ]

 

[ Lock RattIing ]

 

[ Door Closes ]

 

Hey.

 

- What's going on here ?
- Bend all the way down.
Here comes the BuII of the Woods.

 

I'm sorry. What ?

 

Mom, nobody said anything.

 

Oh. I'm sorry.

 

¢Ü¢Ü [ Latin Beat ]

 

Everyone here is with their spouse
or significant other.

 

- How Would it look
if I showed up with no one ?
- You always end up ignoring me.

 

Now, listen to me.
This is an important business function.

 

As you know, my business
is selling an image,

 

and part of my job
is to live that image.

 

Honey, do me a favor and say
whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.

 

all right.
Hi, Shirley !

 

Listen. Just do me a favor.
Act happy tonight.

 

- [ High Voice ] I am happy, honey !
- You're not-- Oh, that's Buddy !

 

- Buddy ! Buddy ! Hi !
- Hi.

 

Good to see you again.

 

- It's so good to see you too, Catherine.
- Carolyn.

 

Oh, Carolyn ! Of course.
How are you ?

 

- Very Well, thank you. Hello, Christy.
- Hello.

 

- My husband, Lester.
- It's a pleasure.

 

Oh, we've met before,
actually. This thing last year.
Christmas at the Sheraton.

 

Oh, yeah !

 

Oh, it's okay.
I Wouldn't remember me either.

 

Honey, don't be weird.

 

- all right, honey. I won't be weird.
- Okay.

 

I'll be whatever
you want me to be.

 

Well, oka--

 

- We have a very heaIthy relationship.
- I see.

 

[ Sighs ]

 

Well, I don't know about you guys,
but I need a drink.

 

Ohh.

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put a little more in there, cowboy.

 

[ Carolyn, Buddy
Shrieking With Laughter ]

 

[ Groaning ]

 

Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin Hood
Trall ? The house with the red door ?

 

- Yeah.
- I'm Ricky Fitts.
I just moved in the house next to you.

 

Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts.
I'm Lester Burnham.

 

Hi, Lester Burnham.

 

- Do you party ?
- Excuse me ?

 

Do you get high ?

 

You know, I probabIy Wouldn't
even tell you this if I weren't
a little tipsy, but...

 

I'm in complete awe of you.

 

I mean, your firm...

 

is hands-down the Rolls-Royce
of local real estate firms,

 

and your personaI
saIes record is--

 

[ CIicks Tongue, Sighs ]
It's very intimidating.

 

You know, I'd love to sit down
with you and just pick your brain,

 

- [ ChuckIes ]
- if you'd ever be willing.

 

You know, I suppose technically
I'm the competition,

 

but I mean, hey,
I don't flatter myself...

 

that I'm even
in the same Ieague as you.

 

I don't.

 

I'd love to.

 

- really ?
- Absolutely.

 

Call my secretary.
Have her scheduIe a Iunch.

 

I'll do that.
Thank you.

 

[ Lester ] Did you ever see that movie
where the body is walking around...

 

carrying its own head, and then
the head goes down on that babe ?

 

- [ Both Laughing ]
- [ Ricky ] Re-Animator.

 

[ Both Continue Laughing ]

 

- [ Both Stop Laughing ]
- Look.

 

I'm not paying you to do whatever
it is you're doing out here.

 

Fine. So don't pay me.

 

Excuse me?

 

I quit, so you don't have
to pay me. Now leave me aIone.

 

AsshoIe.

 

I think you just
became my personal hero.

 

Doesn't that make you nervous,
just quitting your job like that?

 

Well, I guess when
you're all of, what, 16--

 

Eighteen. I just do
these gigs as a cover.

 

I have other sources of income.

 

But my dad interferes less
in my life when I pretend...

 

to be an upstanding young citizen
with a respectabIe job.

 

[ Carolyn ]
Lester ?

 

- What are you doing ?
- Honey, this is... Ricky Fitts.

 

[ Wheezing Laugh ]
This is Ricky Fitts.

 

[ Continues Laughing Hysterically ]

 

I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved
into the house next to you.

 

I go to school
with your daughter.

 

- With Jane ?
- Yeah.

 

- really ?
- Jane.

 

Hi. I'm ready to go.
I'll meet you out front.

 

- [ Whimpering Laugh ]
Oh, I'm in troubIe.
- [ ChuckIes ]

 

Nice meeting you, Ricky.
Thanks for the thing.

 

Anytime. Lester ?

 

If you want any more,
you know where I live.

 

[ Laughs ]

 

- ¢Ü¢Ü [ On TV ]
- [ Door Closes ]

 

Oh, shit. They're home. Quick.
Let's go up to my room.

 

I should say hi
to your dad.

 

I don't want to be rude.

 

Nice suit.

 

You're looking good,
Mr. Burnham.

 

Last time I saw you,
you looked kind of wound up.

 

Ooh, is that root beer ?

 

I love root beer,
don't you?

 

- Hey.
- Hi, Mom.

 

- Hi.
- Remember Angela?

 

Yes, of course.

 

I forgot to tell you. She's going
to spend the night. Is that okay ?

 

[ Coughing, Choking ]

 

- [ Jane ] Sorry about my dad.
- [ Angela ]
Don't be. I think it's funny.

 

Yeah, to you he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones.

 

But to me, he's just...
too embarrassing to live.

 

Well, your mom's the one
who's embarrassing. What a phony.

 

- But your dad's actually kind of cute.
- Shut up.

 

[ Angela ] He is. If he just
worked out a little, he'd be hot.

 

- Shut up !
- Come on.

 

Like you've never sneaked a peek
at him in his underwear ?
I bet he's got a big dick.

 

[ Jane Laughing ]
You are so grossing me out right now.

 

[ Angela ] If he buiIt up his chest
and arms, I Would totally fuck him.

 

- ¢Ü La, la, la, la, la, la ¢Ü
- I Would. I Would suck
your dad's big fat dick,

 

and then I'd fuck him untiI
his eyes rolied back in his head.

 

- [ RattIing ]
- Jane, shh. What was that noise?

 

- I swear I heard something.
- Yeah.

 

That was the sound of you
being a huge, disgusting pig.

 

- No, I'm serious.
- [ RattIing ]

 

See ?

 

- Oh, my God. Jane.
- What is it ?

 

It's that psycho next door.

 

Jane, what if he worships you?

 

What if he's got a shrine
with pictures of you surrounded
by dead people's heads and stuff?

 

Shit. I bet
he's filming us right now.

 

really ?

 

[ Clattering ]