(PHONE RINGING)
(CONTINUES RINGING)
RECEPTIONIST: Law offices.
You know what I want to be when I grow up?
- WOMAN: What? - A fisherman.
I want to go fishing every day till I'm rich
so I can move right next door to the jailhouse,
so I can be close to my mommy.
She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
I'm sorry to hear that.
My mommy's breath smells so bad 'cause she smokes so much crack.
What do you think?
What do I think? About what?
(SIGHS)
My mommy's bad breath.
Maybe it'll get better.
Thank you. That helps.
Yeah. Yeah! Thanks for nothing, Derek.
DEREK: What is the matter with you, Kimmie?
All right, come on. We got to go see your grandpa.
Not Grandpa. He's a kook!
Oh, my goodness. You are limber!
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Phew.
- SECRETARY: Thank you. - Thank you.
Ooh, well, hello! I think I know her.
(SNIFFS)
Mmm...
Mr. Zisman?
Mr. Zisman.
- Mr. Zisman! - Hmm?
Hi.
I'm, uh, afraid I have some bad news.
Your wife, she took a turn for the worse last night and she passed away.
I'm so sorry.
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
I thought she'd never die.
(SIGHS)
I'm going to let you process this, and, uh, I'll be back in just a moment, okay?
Thank you. Thank you, Doc!
Don't get me wrong, I'm upset, but she was a crabby old bat.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
She hadn't given me any nookie since the '90s.
And then it was only out of spite.
She's in a much better place.
And I'm in a much better place.
Did you hear that, Leroy? We're free!
I'm free.
(UPBEAT BLUES SONG PLAYING)
Hello, lady.
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS)
Thanks a lot.
Ooh.
(GROANS)
Shit!
(GROANS)
(UNZIPPING)
Oh.
(MOANS)
(MAN CHUCKLING)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
(MACHINE CLICKS)
Uh-oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Miss.
Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, Sir?
I don't expect you to understand,
but I have my penis stuck to the soda machine.
Gabriel! I'm stuck.
- What's wrong? - My penis is stuck in the machine!
Gabriel! Help me!
Help me! Ah! Gabriel!
Gabriel!
(GROANS)
Sir. Could you help me, Sir?
This nigga's dick's stuck in the machine, yo!
IRVING: Please don't announce it!
It's fucking embarrassing!
Can you help me instead of announcing?
- (LAUGHING) - Please! It's not funny!
It's not funny!
Help! Give me a hand!
Sir.
- Could you help me? - What you want?
I'm in a bad situation.
I gotta get unstuck! (SCREAMS)
Can you help?
Jiggle my shoulders.
Ow! Ow!
- Nothing I can do. - Jiggle my...
Jiggle!
Jiggle! Ow! Ow.
Oh, my God.
(GRUNTING)
Oh. Oh! He's trying to rip that dick out!
Oh, no!
- Stop! - Stop, man!
(SCREAMING)
Sir?
MAN: Don't... It's not going to come out.
Fuck.
- (SCREAMING) - Don't! Quit pulling on it.
I got to get... Oh, God!
Ah!
Push! Push! God! Push! Push!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
WOMAN: You looking for something?
IRVING: Yes, ma'am, I'm looking for a suit.
Okay.
Wow, what's your name?
- Judy. - Judy.
- Nice to meet you. - ...you are so beautiful.
- Thank you. - Oh, my goodness.
My wife just passed away.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right.
It wasn't the greatest marriage anyway, Judy.
(JUDY LAUGHS)
That's why I'm gonna take a little me time now, Judy.
- And have some fun. - Uh-huh. See?
By fun, I mean banging the gong.
(JUDY CHUCKLES)
I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.
How long does it take to do alterations?
Um... Do you need a hurry?
Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.
- Oh. Do you need a tie? - Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
Okay, what color the tie you likey?
Uh, I likey any color. You pick one out for me.
Well... How about that one right there?
- Uh... Which one? You mean this one? - Right there. Yes.
That looks like it's green.
- Oh, that's very nice. - Yeah. Okay?
- How much is that shirt? - Sixty-five.
- That's a lot of scratch. - MAN: Forty per cent.
- Forty per cent. - That's a lot of scratch.
- So, forty per cent. - Yeah.
(CALCULATOR CLACKING)
Is that a squirrel right there?
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- You got me, you got me. - Yup, I got you good.
- You got me. - Yup, I got you over a felony.
- Oh, God. - Have a seat.
Yes, Sir.
- Do not get up out of that chair. - Yes, Sir.
I apologize.
Get my shit off.
Get your shit off?
Get my shirt off. Get my coat off. Get my pants off.
I gotta take your pants off?
- You better believe it. - Well, that sounds a little weird.
Go in here and get the damn pants off.
You want me to take your pants off, that seems a little weird.
Thank you, kind people, for being here today.
I never thought my wife's funeral would be filled with complete strangers,
but we've outlived all our friends.
I was hoping my daughter and grandson could make it but...
They didn't.
So, I would especially like to thank the choir and caterers,
and all the nice people sitting before me.
Thank you.
I wished you could have seen the young Ellie, the woman I fell in love with.
She was like a flash of bright light.
A callipygian Princess who Drew people to her like a magnet.
And for those of you who don't know what callipygian means,
it means she has a nice bottom.
- WOMAN: Ooh. - (MAN CHUCKLES)
- Irving: She did. - (LAUGHING)
I wish I had more time with her.
I wish so much of our time had not been consumed by combat.
(SNIFFS)
I wish I 'd tried a little harder to make that happen.
- Because she's gone now. - (DOOR OPENS)
And our history on this Earth has been written...
Baby.
Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, buddy. - Hi.
Sit.
This is my daughter and grandson.
Can I have a word with you?
Yeah, I'm in the middle of something.
Billy, just stay there for a second.
I just want to talk to your granddad outside.
BILLY: Okay, Mom.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Hi, Billy.
IRVING:(OVER SPEAKERS) What's so important?
KIMMIE: Listen, I'm sorry that she's dead and everything,
but I'm in some serious shit, okay?
- Irving: What is it this time? - You tell him about the microphone.
KIMMIE: Don't even start that with me! Not now!
Okay? It wasn't even my fault!
This cop, he's got a bug up his ass,
and then they give me this public defender who's a fucking idiot!
And...
PASTOR: Sir, excuse me. The microphone is on.
Please, just give me a moment. Just give me a moment.
Look, I violated my parole and now they're gonna send me to jail.
I just need you to take Billy across the country
so he can be with his dad for a while. Okay?
What?
I can't have Bobby with me now. I'm in mourning!
It's Billy. Billy!
IRVING: How am I supposed to know what his name is?
You never brought him around!
And when you did bring him around, he pissed every bed in the house.
I don't pee my bed anymore.
IRVING: I cannot have Billy with me now.
I am a free man for the first time in 46 years
and I can't be saddled with that cockblock!
KIMMIE: That's just fine.
You were never there for me when I was little,
so I guess it's no different now, is it?
I'm going to talk to my mom.
I am very sorry. Um...
Everyone's very emotional right now.
It's a very difficult time for the family.
Uh...
I don't know what to say.
(FEEDBACK WHINES)
Sweetie, come here. That's your mother's.
- KIMMIE: She told me I could have it. - Give me the... Give it...
Don't do this in front of them! Don't do this right now!
Just stop...
- Oh, no! - (ALL GASPING)
IRVING: Oh, God! Jesus!
Oh, no.
BILLY: Grandma?
- I love you. - Irving: Oh, baby.
Sorry, Daddy.
On, baby!
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Sing! Please, choir, sing something. Somebody help.
(SINGING) I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy down in my heart.
Down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy down in my heart.
Down in my heart to stay.
I've got the love of Jesus down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart, down in my heart.
I've got the love of Jesus down in my heart.
Down in my heart to stay.
I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy down in my heart.
Down in my heart to stay
(GROANS)
(UPBEAT GOSPEL SONG PLAYING)
Fuck.
BILLY: Where are we going?
We're going here to get on a computer call with your dad
to see when he's gonna pick your little ass up.
And I got someone meeting us to help me and your father communicate,
seeing how we don't get along.
Are you Mr. Zisman?
- Hi. - Shirley Kreska.
- Nice to meet you, Shirley. - Nice to meet you.
Well, tell me the purpose of the call.
His mother is going to jail.
But she wanted me to get him to his father.
We've had lots of problems out of the father.
He's nearly impossible to communicate with.
But is your goal to get him to his dad?
Yes, yes.
I got him up on the computer now.
All right, Chuck. This is Shirley.
SHIRLEY: Hi, Chuck. I'm a local counselor,
and I'm just here to help the two of you reach whatever goals you want to reach
and just help the two of you talk together.
CHUCK:Okay.
So, uh, Kimmie is going to jail again, all right?
Doesn't surprise me.
So I'm gonna need you to come get Billy, like, from me.
Why are you shaking your head?
'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me.
And I'm having some problems with my business right now.
- Okay. - Irving: Your business, huh?
What business is that?
I sell computers.
Sell... He couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
Oh, that's a disgusting thing to say.
Okay, but that doesn't help. That doesn't help.
You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry for insulting you.
IRVING: Are you serious?
- This is a disaster. - (CHUCK COUGHING)
All right, Chuck.
If you can't come to Lincoln,
then I'll just bring him to you in North Carolina.
No. 'Cause I don't have money to take care of a kid.
WOMAN: My cousin, he just had to take his baby girl,
and the state's paying him $600 a month for free.
(WHISPERING) Are you sure you want him to go to him?
CHUCK: He's getting 600 bucks? WOMAN: A month.
Wait, what are they saying?
She's saying possibly he could get money for keeping him.
I think I can work something out.
I think that if Irving was to bring him here to Raleigh, I could take the kid.
And then if it didn't work out...
600 bucks a month will make it work for me.
SHIRLEY: So... And that isn't guaranteed, what she just said.
It's something you would have to investigate.
No, no, it's guaranteed. She's always right.
It's a done deal, man. Drop him off.
- Irving: All right, 2:00 on Sunday. - 2:00 P.M. Sunday.
(CLATTERING)
Great, man. Great. Great.
There goes like half my inventory.
What a wonderful business you have.
SHIRLEY: Okay. Chuck, what's your last name?
- Muskie. - M...
- M-U-S-K-I-E. - Okay.
- D-O-U-C-H-E is how you spell it. - Yeah.
CHUCK: That's right. F-A-G-O-T is your last name.
IRVING: Your son's right here, if you don't mind.
CHUCK:Bye, A-S-S-O-L-E.
Shitbird, dummy butt.
Let's just walk away.
Suck it.
"Suck it," that's nice.
Suck a bowl of dicks.
- Bye, Dad. - Chuck: Bye, Billy!
Bye.
IRVING: Hey, Billy, let me show you what you're going to do
if somebody comes at you with a knife.
Come here.
Have any of those baskets down here that you have outside?
I don't think so.
You don't think so. You don't know?
Don't interrupt, grandpa, I'm busy.
So if a guy comes at you with a knife...
You don't care about a sale?
Yeah, I care about a sale.
But I'm trying to teach my grandson about knife fights.
And you keep yapping. Jesus.
- Good attitude to have. - Yeah, keep walking, gramps.
Okay, now, if a guy comes at you in a knife fight.
Like, come at me, I'll show you what you do.
(EXCLAIMS) That's all you gotta do.
You take it and you stick it right in their thigh.
And then they can't run after you.
You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
- No. - No.
Seventy-five dollars.
What's special about it?
It's got that special vibrating feature.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - You know what I'm saying?
BILLY: You want to see how it works?
No, thanks, honey.
My wife and I only had it two weeks before she went in the hospital.
WOMAN: I'm so sorry.
That's okay, that's okay. It's barely been used.
- WOMAN: Yeah. - And she passed away.
- Oh, dear. That's very sad. - Yeah.
Well, it's not so sad, she was kind of a bitch, but...
Jeez! (LAUGHING)
WOMAN: My goodness! (CHUCKLES)
IRVING: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Well, there goes the troublemaker.
Well, what kind of attitude is that?
- Same type you have. - Same kind of 'Tude you got.
IRVING: Wow.
Mr. and Mrs. Happy.
How much is this?
Is there a price tag on it?
I don't... There's a...
That's one of my wife's favorite lamps.
- WOMAN: It's very pretty. - Yes.
She died of, uh, vagitosis.
It's kind of like bad breath, but the vagina.
It wasn't the main 'cause, but...
- It didn't help. - Yeah.
That's...
I'm sorry to hear that.
BILLY: Ma'am, will you buy that please?
No, thank you. I don't need it, I have one.
IRVING: Ma'am, how do you explain what a cockblock is to an eight-year-old?
Can you help me explain that?
'Cause that's what's sitting there is a little cockblock.
You're a good boy. Remember that.
IRVING: No, he's not. Don't listen to her.
He's a good boy.
If you like him so damn much, you take him.
Do you like this chair?
That is pretty cool.
It's only $25.
Wow. That's nice.
This bed's going for a pretty good price.
I'd like to lay down and take a nap myself.
- I'm tired all the time. - Yeah.
Is it one of those ones that adjusts?
Yes, ma'am, it's really good.
It's one of those that kind of sit up while you're watching TV.
Here, try, uh... I'll, uh...
Try to adjust it a little.
Whoa!
Whoa, stop!
- (SCREAMING) - Oh, my God!
Whoa, stop. Oh, my God!
Stop, stop! Whoa, stop!
Unplug it!
Oh, my God! What are you trying to do to me?
All I did was push the little button!
Oh, God! Put it down! Put it... Cramp! Cramp!
- Ah! - It's unplugged!
- Oh. - It's unplugged, I pulled the plug.
Oh, my God.
Unplug that thing over there, please.
I'm getting off.
Oh. Oh, God.
- Let Grandpa sit. - I pushed the little button.
He told me to push the little button.
IRVING: Let Grandpa sit.
(GROANS)
I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I really do.
Well, let's not make this all about you, honey.
Oh, no, no, I'm telling her. I'm not making it...
(SIGHS)
Look...
Just calm down. It's okay.
My breathing won't come back.
You can have the bed for $50.
No, I don't want that bed.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Coming!
IRVING: Hey, Sir, how are you?
Do you have a bed we're supposed to pick up?
- Irving: Right this way. - Alrighty.
- My name's Irving, what's your name? - Tom.
Tom. How are you, Tom? Come on in.
This is my grandson, Billy.
- Hi, Billy. How are you? - Hi.
- What's your name, Sir? - I'm James.
James. How are you, James? Come on in. We're back here.
And, um, my wife just passed away a couple days ago
and the damn funeral home had a little misunderstanding.
Like, you know what, "We'll just take her right back."
We want to get her in my trunk,
because we're gonna bury her down south a ways.
If you could help me to my car, I would really appreciate it.
Let me just...
Okay, um...
Just wrap her up.
I think it'll be easiest if you just pull like that.
Yeah. She was a pain in my ass when we were married
and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass.
Just grab that right there.
James, will you get the head?
Be gentle with her.
Here you go, James.
(JAMES CHUCKLES)
- Here you go. - James: Lord have Mercy. Jesus.
There you go.
IRVING: Don't let her fall out of there, James.
Get a good hold on her.
Oh, man. We're, uh...
We got to get this little boy to his father.
His mom just got thrown in jail.
BILLY: My mom's on drugs.
JAMES: Lord have Mercy!
IRVING: Thank you, boys. I couldn't carry her myself.
Just put her right in there.
And, uh, we got blankets to keep her warm.
All right, be careful with her.
All right.
Thank you. Thank you, James.
Come here, Billy.
Grab his hand. Can we say a prayer?
Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie.
And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet
and they're also accomplices
to probably what was technically a crime,
- but we're not gonna say anything. - (JAMES CHUCKLES)
Come on, man! Are you serious?
IRVING: In your name we pray. Amen.
TOM: Amen.
IRVING: All right.
Let me ask you a question, is the bed really going?
- No, no. I just needed help with her. - Oh.
But no one's going to come out...
No one's going to come out to help if you say,
"Can you come help me commit a crime?"
No one's gonna help. So...
We, uh...
That's why we had to tell a little fib.
But we surely appreciate it. And our lips are sealed.
- Later. - Thank the men.
See you, Billy.
BILLY: Thank you. IRVING: Thank you, fellas!
See you later.
God bless you. God bless you, James. Thank you!
BILLY: Thanks for the crime!
IRVING: Now get your crap. We got to hit the road.
All right.
Grandpa, do you think we'll have time to go fishing?
Don't worry me with that. Just get in the damn car.
(ENGINE STARTS)
IRVING: I hope you went to the bathroom already.
BILLY: Nope. IRVING: "Nope"?
Well, you're gonna have to hold it.
(COUNTRY SONG PLAYING)
Can I turn on the AC?
No.
Can I turn on the radio?
No!
Let's just play the quiet game.
Can we get something to eat?
You're already eating.
- But I'm hungry! - Whatever.
Anything to get out of this car.
Hola, gorgeous! I gotta feed this little prick.
She is muy Bonita, huh? My goodness!
BILLY: Grandpa, look at that ride! Can I go ride it?
- What? - Can I go ride that?
Yes. Shit.
- Scram. - Thank you.
- Irving: Ah. What's your name? - Gloria.
My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
BILLY: It doesn't work! IRVING: Oh, God.
- Grandpa! - What?
This thing doesn't work!
- What do you want me to do about it? - Fix it!
- Can't you see I was talking to a lady? - Yes, but look!
Did you put money in there? God.
- Try it. It doesn't work. - Oh, God!
(GROANS)
God!
Ow.
Oh, man.
Damn thing's broke.
- Come on. - You put in 50 cents.
Nothing!
Oh! Ow! Ah!
Sit down, sit down.
(IRVING GROANS)
Ah!
- Oh, I'm all right! - Sit down, Sir.
MEN: Sit, Sit, sit!
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Look what happened!
- Jesus! - Billy: It didn't work!
I shouldn't have even been on there.
BILLY: You ruined the store.
IRVING: Why'd you tell me to get in there?
BILLY: 'Cause I wanted you to fix it.
Well, it's fixed!
Sir, would you please listen to me?
I want you to sit down on a cushion until...
I want the ambulance to check you out.
Listen, it is not your fault.
You are not over that weight limit. Do you understand?
What weight limit?
There's no weight limit on that thing.
Hey, I don't have a weight limit either. If you know what I mean.
Unbelievable! You could have broke my neck!
I didn't do anything!
(SIGHS)
I can't do it. I can't do it.
- Do what? - This!
I can't do this.
I said I'd get you to your father's, but I didn't say how.
BILLY: Grandpa, my leg's falling asleep!
Look, you little shitbird,
I'm not driving you and you're too young to ride the bus,
so you keep quiet in there!
WOMAN: You need some help?
- I think I got it. - Okay.
- Oh, my goodness. - Okay.
- Here we go. - Okay.
I'm going to send this to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Raleigh? Okay.
Eighteen width.
Uh...
- Forty-seven? - Forty-seven.
- Yeah.
(BILLY COUGHS)
- Billy: Damn it. - Okay.
WOMAN 1: Oh, there's something moving around in there.
WOMAN 2: Really?
- No. No. - No?
(THUMPING)
There's something in that box!
IRVING: No.
There's nothing in the box? It sounds like it!
I do hear stuff in here, but it's not coming from there.
- Okay. Can we unstrap it? - You mind if we unstrap it?
- Yes... No, let's unstrap it. - Okay.
- Billy: Grandpa, I got to pee. - (WOMEN SCREAM)
What...
(WHISPERS) Keep it down.
It's a statue. I have a statue in there.
It still has batteries in it or something?
Yes, it has the batteries in it still.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah, it's just one of those kind that you hit a button and it...
So we shook it.
Yeah, yeah.
- Billy: Grandpa, I got to pee real bad. - (WOMEN SCREAM)
It's a statue.
WOMAN 1: Are you sure?
IRVING: It was settling. It was settling.
Okay. All right.
Can we get it weighed? Because I gotta...
- WOMAN 2: You gotta get out? - Yes, and I appreciate you girls...
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
Would you...
God, what are you doing?
We were shipping a human being!
Oh, my.
Oh, my!
We can't ship humans.
I'm trying to get him to his father,
(STAMMERING) and I don't want to drive him.
Oh, my goodness!
- WOMAN 2: What's your name? - Billy.
- You've had Billy for the school year? - Irving: No, no.
- And he's going back for the summer? - I just got him today.
And you already want to send him back?
- WOMAN 2: You got him today! - Yeah, my wife passed.
- Aw! I'm sorry to hear it. - WOMAN 2: Your grandmother?
Did he love Grandma?
- No. - He didn't?
If you'd have met her, you'd have felt the same way.
You think she died of a broken heart?
Heart attack.
Well, I can tell you what she didn't die of.
Fellatio.
WOMAN 2: Oh, my.
It'll get there overnight.
You know that they're just gonna be
throwing you around and everything, don't you?
Well, give me a pen and we'll write "fragile" on it.
WOMAN 1: Are you sure you want to do this?
WOMAN 2: You need a blanket?
- We can't ship a human! - Billy: I'll take one.
You can if you didn't know this happened.
I can't ship you. You're living!
- Should we call the police on them? - Oh, no! No police.
Just help me get him out of the box. I'll take him.
Shit! Come on.
IRVING: Been in this car all damn day!
I need a break.
Where are we going?
Grandpa's going to play a little bingo.
- Can I come? - No!
Look. They don't allow kids and I'm going to be talking to ladies in there.
And I don't need you cockblocking.
ANNOUNCER: G-51.
N-42.
G-60.
It's been a while since I've played.
Nice to meet you, ma'am. Good luck.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
- My name is O.Z. - O.Z.!
- O.z. - All right!
Can I cheat off you?
B-2.
G-46.
O.Z., what do you say we blow this joint and go play a little strip bingo outside?
(LAUGHING) Stop it.
That damn dauber's not... Oh.
God damn it. Done spilled everywhere.
N-62.
O.Z: Stop the game. Stop!
Oh, my gosh!
Oh.
I think this shit's done gone bad.
(INAUDIBLE)
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
He just drunk the dauber shit.
Oh, man! You can't do that!
Hell, no!
- Yuck. - WOMAN: Stop.
WOMEN: Stop!
Stop? Hell, keep going!
WOMAN: You're making everybody sick. IRVING: No, come on, come on!
Let's go back to the damn game, all right?
God damn! You guys are driving me to drink!
I need a drink.
(RATTLING)
- (IRVING GROANS) - (WOMAN SPEAKING)
What the hell you got?
I got a damn Margarita! Who wants a Margarita?
O.Z., half of this is for you.
How about a little fun, people?
Excuse me? Sir? Can you tie my shoe, please?
Yeah, sure.
- Are you married? - Yeah.
- Are you happily married? - Yeah, I guess so.
Why do you ask?
- I want a new dad. - Oh, do you?
Yeah, sorry.
- What's your name? - Dan.
Hey, Dan, I got an idea.
How about me being your new kid?
Um...
I don't know if it's really quite that simple.
You know, you can't really, uh...
Why?
You can't really trade kids between families, can you?
Sure you can, Dad.
You know, when I was overseas, when you would sleep with a prostitute,
they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle
to see if you had any diseases.
And if you went, "Ow!"
it means you got something, 'cause the cuts burn.
I never went, "Ow!" But one time.
(LAUGHING)
It's all cleared up now, though.
Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
- Oh, okay. - All right.
Just to prove to you I don't have anything, ladies,
I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
- Oh, my God! - Okay.
Why resist? Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes!
Nothing. Nothing.
- I got nothing. - (LAUGHING)
That is free advertising right there.
It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that.
That's just between us girls.
I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
ANNOUNCER: G-47.
Bingo!
Ha ha!
Bingo!
ANNOUNCER: Can someone check that bingo for me, please?
There's no N!
You hush. You hush.
You don't tell me to hush.
You hush, too.
You hush.
No, I won't. I'm a grown man. I can talk. I can talk.
I can talk.
Tattletales.
The bingo is not possible because we have no N, so we will keep playing.
Well, shit!
G-53.
What happened to your dad?
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, what happened to him?
- No, you're my dad. - Hmm?
High five, Dad.
Down low. Too slow.
Yeah, that one's been around for a while.
Who are you here with?
You. My new dad.
Well, I'm not your new dad. But...
You're funny.
Um...
Hey, Dad, look at me in the eye.
- Like... - I love you.
Anyway, I need to, uh...
I got stuff I have to do, uh, so be safe.
Love you, Dad!
Oh, here she is!
Here I am. You want to buy some 22s?
- What are 22s? - You wish you was 22.
They look like 36D's to me.
- No. - (O.Z. CHUCKLES)
No? 36 full C's.
22s, that's what they are!
Can I use your pen?
Yes, you may, sweetheart.
- All right! How you doing? - Okay.
- You know, you're pretty sexy. - Thank you.
I mean really sexy.
I...
- I have to take this up there. - All right.
What's your name, sweetheart?
(SIGHS)
I'm getting froze out.
- Did you win any money at bingo? - No.
You shouldn't drink so much.
Pipe down!
Oh, God.
BILLY: Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
IRVING: Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
BILLY: Where are we going?
Just keep going straight.
- You getting tired? - Yeah.
Are you an alcoholic?
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
I wouldn't be surprised if you are.
Just had a couple too many.
Onward! Onward!
Oh, let's get something to eat.
Make a left.
Okay. Go here! No, Billy!
It's heavy.
No, push me this way. Push me this way.
WOMAN: Lisa! Lisa, come look at this.
He's drunk, and he's drinking beer.
MAN: Oh, he got a six-pack.
- Push me. - (BILLY GRUNTING)
IRVING: Oh.
Hello?
- We'd like some food. - Okay, what you need?
Chickens.
Chicken breast.
Any kind of breast.
- Sir, you need some help? - Yes, I need some service!
Okay, well, you got to... We'll get you served,
I need to push you over here. We'll bring it out to you.
Need to get you away from here.
Let me push you over to the side, okay?
Can you let go of the thing there? I'll push you over to the side.
- Okay, but... - What do you want?
- Do you guys serve beers? - No, we don't serve beer.
- How about whiskey? - Um, no, we don't have whiskey, either.
BILLY: Sir, what do you have that's good in there for a hangover?
To eat? I mean, greasy food is always good.
But a hangover? Sleep. He got to sleep it off.
IRVING: Man, that girl working the window, she was nice-looking.
(LAUGHING)
- She was nice-looking? - Yeah.
Well, you just chill out here for a minute.
We're gonna see if we can get you some help.
Okay, we need some chickens and a big side of poontang.
(LAUGHS)
The poontang? There's some inside.
Well, I want some to go. Go hook that up.
He's stuck on Lisa.
That's what he want.
(IRVING GROANS)
- Black bush gal? - Lisa!
He said he wanted poontang.
WOMAN 1: He'll hook you up!
- What does he want? - He wants you.
What? No, he don't.
WOMAN 2: Excuse me, honey.
WOMAN 1: That's what he's hollering. That's what he wants, Lisa.
Honest to God, strike me dead.
He wants some black bush.
MAN: Lisa, that man is 80 years old.
I turned around and I said, "Did he say what I thought he just said?"
MAN 1: You better go out there.
MAN 2: He is 80 years old in a shopping cart.
Cut the man a break.
IRVING: Siempre avante. Know what that means?
- No. - Onward and forward.
You know, rubber on wheel is faster than rubber on heel.
That's what Lightnin' Hopkins says.
- You know who Lightnin' Hopkins is? - No.
What about Komodo dragons? You know what those are?
No.
- You don't know who Johnny Cash is? - No.
Ask me what the secret of comedy is.
- What is... - Timing! Get it?
(IRVING LAUGHS)
What?
- Irving: That's not funny? - No.
IRVING: Ugh. Tough room.
IRVING: I love this song!
(SINGING ALONG TO MOTOWN SONG)
Uh, you're kind of...
Weird.
Dirty bastard!
Oh...
(GROANS)
You Okay?
Oh, God.
Oh...
- You all right, Grandpa? - Yeah, I'm all right.
Caught me right in the puss!
You want some ice? You need me to get some ice for you?
Yeah, maybe some ice.
My damn wife put these in here and it...
Ow!
Did you see the tuchas on that one?
Ow!
- Should I get a basket? - No. We ain't gonna need one.
(SIGHS)
- You like white bread? - Yep.
Good.
- Um... What are you doing? - Just go with it.
Are we going to get in trouble for this?
No. If someone says anything,
just tell them that your grandpa's old and doesn't know what he's doing.
- Ooh. You want Turkey or ham? - Ham.
Ham?
All right.
Here. Get you a lot.
Let's get some damn mustard.
Here.
- That's a lot of mustard. - Eat it!
BILLY: Mmm.
So I eat it quick, so we don't get caught.
WOMAN: Sir. IRVING: What's going on?
WOMAN: What's going on? IRVING: Yes.
You eating everything here.
- You don't pay yet. - Huh?
You eating things here in the store and you don't pay yet.
- So he took that one. - Billy: Please don't get mad.
- Irving: Huh? - He took this.
- And you put it there. - Irving: No.
- Yes, I saw. It's in the camera. - No.
Okay.
Please don't get mad at my grandpa.
He's old and he doesn't know what he's doing.
What's going on?
- Where am I? - You know what he's doing, baby.
You know what he doing and you doing it with him.
Sometimes he shits himself.
- No. You took that one. - And sometimes he sits in it like a baby.
I don't shit myself, you little prick.
- Sometimes he pisses the bed. - Okay, you opened these...
- Do not! - Do, too!
- Do not! - You opened the ham and you don't pay.
- Can I have his... - Close the doors.
I'm gonna call the police.
Can he have his chocolate milk back, please, ma'am?
(IRVING SPEAKING SPANISH)
BILLY: Ugh.
They won't notice a thing.
That's how it looks most of the time anyway.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go quick. Let's go quick.
Come on. Let's go this way.
Oh! Uh...
Thank you!
Get the hats! Get the hats!
Come on, come on!
Come on!
- What are y'all doing? - Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It was $3.99! - Stop!
- Yeah. Come on! - You're not going anywhere!
- Leave us alone! Leave us alone! - No. You're not going anywhere.
Hey. Billy, get in! Start it up!
WOMAN: They're going to take that child away from you.
IRVING: I wish they would!
- WOMAN: Get back inside! - I'm sorry.
- Get your ass inside! - Ma'am, I'm sorry.
You are sorry! You're sorry as hell!
- No, I'm not gonna... - You're eating what you stole!
- What am I supposed to do with it? - You buy it!
- You pay for it. - If I had money, I would.
You had enough money to come in here and the audacity to try to steal from me.
These are pretty good, by the way.
I don't give a shit. I ought to stuff it down your damn throat.
- You're very pretty when you're mad. - You're pissing me off!
- You're very lovely when you're mad. - You're pissing me off.
IRVING: All right, come on.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
All right.
- Okay. - (BILLY GRUNTS)
BILLY: Ow! (GRUNTS)
- I got her. - (IRVING GRUNTS)
IRVING: Ah, Jesus...
Here we go. Oh! Jesus.
Oh my goodness.
IRVING: It's all right. She's already dead.
- What? - Yeah, she died a few days ago.
We're just bringing her in 'cause it's respectful.
Don't want to leave her in the trunk.
All right.
- Oh! Get in there! - (THUDDING)
Oh, shit.
Grandpa's going out for a walk. You stay in the room.
BILLY: See you later, old man.
Stay in there, damn it.
My grandson.
Hey, you don't know where any, uh, like, dance clubs or anything like that are?
Like, with lots of, uh, black ladies.
Oh, there's one on, um...
Richard Boulevard.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I'm really fond of the black ladies. - Yeah.
Yeah. They used to call me Jizzy Gillespie when I was younger.
Oh. Yeah?
IRVING: Hey, get in the room!
(UPBEAT JAZZ SONG PLAYING)
IRVING: Hello. How are you?
Hello, ladies!
- Hey, grandpa, how you doing? - Good! How you doing, baby?
All right!
IRVING: Wow.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Wow. You are nice-looking! - Thank you!
Can I get a Colt 45, please?
He's got his Jim dog out.
That thing's about like that!
Hey, big boy! Is this one of them stripteaser shows?
Yeah, it's males.
That's perfect, because I like to catch these women when they're soggy.
So you boys do a good job tonight,
- all right? - Okay.
Get them all hot and bothered,
and I'm gonna try to swoop in and get me a little.
Okay, Okay.
- Are you one of them dancers? - Yeah, I am.
I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Man, what the fuck?
What?
Get the fuck away from me, man.
(IRVING STAMMERS)
But I mean, if you're a dancer...
I'm sorry, I was just... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How are you ladies doing down here?
- WOMAN 1: Fine. How are you? - Good, good.
I came here alone, so I'm sorry if I'm bothering you.
WOMAN 2: What made you come in here?
I don't... I was walking, uh,
- down the street... - Walking?
You weren't walking nowhere!
What you gonna do, watch it or watch us?
I came to watch you girls.
(CHUCKLES)
You ladies are gonna get all worked up,
and then hopefully old Irving can swoop in there.
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
- What's your name? - Irving.
Maybe some of these ladies will want a serving of Irving,
if you know what I'm saying.
That's right. Thank you. Thank you, mama!
ANNOUNCER: If you're ready for the next entertainer, everybody say, "lam!"
- I am! - (WOMAN WHOOPS)
I love chocolate!
He's harder than a horseshoe!
How hard are you?
I'm pretty loose right now, but I could probably get it going.
WOMAN 3: We want to see yours. We want you to walk the red carpet.
IRVING: She wants to see mine?
WOMAN 3: Walk the red carpet.
I'll show her mine right now!
WOMAN 3: We're gonna make it rain. Walk the red carpet.
I'm gonna go... I'm going to walk the red carpet.
Yeah, I'm gonna shake it!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: I don't know what the fuck is going on.
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Oh, oh...
What?
(INAUDIBLE)
(SIGHS)
Excuse me? Have you seen my grandpa?
Your grandpa?
I think he's lost. He's kind of an idiot.
Why is he an idiot? (CHUCKLES)
'Cause he's lost, duh.
Does he have a cell phone?
He's probably drunk right now. He went to a strip club last night.
I don't know what to tell you, son. Oh, gosh.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Screw you.
- Who you looking for? - I'm looking for my grandpa.
Your grandpa's not here.
- Is he in the Champagne Room? - There's nobody in there.
- Let me check. - No.
- Let me just go check. - I told you.
He's, like, persistent. He wants to go in there.
And he's talking about having a great time in the Champagne Room
like he's, like, 21.
What's up?
- Is this an adult bookstore? - Yeah.
- Is my grandpa in here? - No. (CHUCKLES)
Is there somebody, like...
Is somebody, like, watching you or something?
No.
Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?
What?
Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?
- No. - Oh.
- How old are you? - Eight.
- What's your name? - Billy.
When did you get here?
You're asking a lot of questions for a stripper.
- What's your stage name? - What?
What's your stripper stage name?
I don't have a stage name. I'm not a stripper.
BILLY: I'll just call you Cinnamon.
- WOMAN: Cinnamon? - What?
- WOMAN: I look like a stripper? - Yeah. In a good way.
- In a good way? - Oh, my... (CHUCKLES)
Why don't you wait on me and I'm gonna come, like,
take you to whatever hotel you're at?
You don't need to be out here by yourself.
You're gonna, like, get hurt.
There's a bunch of crazy people out here.
Apparently, your grandpa's one of them.
Bye, Cinnamon. I got to go.
No. And I'm not Cinnamon!
- How you doing? - Rough night.
(SIGHS)
Grandpa! Where have you been?
(GROANS) Not now.
I've been worried!
(THUDS)
BILLY: What're we gonna do with Grandma's body?
I don't know, buddy.
We met with someone to discuss that,
but your grandma, she wasn't very cooperative that day.
Just said some nonsense about throw her off a bridge for all she cares.
(SIGHS) You know what a woman likes?
A new fishing Rod?
No.
Magic!
I can prove it. You want to see?
- Sure. - All right.
Hello, ma'am. You wouldn't flatter an old man
by watching him do a magic trick, would you?
Oh... That's good. All right, keep your eye on the...
I'm going to make it disappear.
No charge, either.
Okay. 'Cause I don't have any money.
There we go! Where'd it go?
- In your sleeve? - No.
- What's that on your thumb? - What?
- Look. - Will you give me that?
- (CHUCKLES) - Billy: Ah.
- Irving: Why don't you beat it? - But I want to stay with you.
IRVING: Why don't you beat it?
Grandpa's got to (WHISPERS) talk to some tail.
He's...
He's a little cooter stretcher is what he is.
(CHUCKLES)
You, uh, from this town?
Yeah. Born and raised.
Born and raised. You're awful pretty. My goodness!
Thank you.
A beautiful young lady like yourself, I have something for you.
Oh, Lordy.
Here we go. You're so kind.
- There you go. - Thank you.
Those are for you. They're specially scented.
(CHUCKLES) I bet.
You got time for an old man like me, maybe?
We can blow this garmooshky and go Chase around a little.
Not tonight I don't.
- Not tonight? - No.
You on a lunch break?
Yeah.
- You married? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy. "Married" married?
"Married" married to a gun-toting police officer.
- Oh, God! Of all the luck. - There you go.
(SCOFFS)
- All right, good times. - See ya.
Bye.
If I had all the money I spent on poontang,
you know what I'd do with it?
- What? - Spend it on poontang.
(CHUCKLES)
BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
- (CHUCKLES) - One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight...
Come on, you're a lefty. You can be stronger than that.
LISA: I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.
It's because you're holding it so close to the edge.
- Hello. - Hi.
- I see you have met my grandson. - Yeah.
- Oh. My name is Irving. Oh. - I'm Lisa.
What was your name... (CHUCKLES)
BILLY: She's American. You don't have to bow.
- Irving: What? - You have a weird grandpa.
(CHUCKLES)
Where'd you go?
You told me to beat it 'cause you were gonna talk to some tail.
- Oh... (SCOFFS) - (LAUGHING)
I said I... To...
I was going to beat it to go deliver some mail.
Oh, jeez.
You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, thank you!
(IRVING CHUCKLES)
- Thank you so much. - Oh, my goodness!
- You babysit big boys? - I do, yeah.
I mean big boys like me.
Oh. No.
- No? - Definitely not. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, well.
You win some, you lose some, kid.
- Nice to meet you! Wow! - Lisa: See you. Bye-bye.
- Goodbye. - (MOUTHING)
IRVING: That was a slower no than I usually get.
You may be useful after all!
You ever play charades?
Oh, oh...
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Excuse me?
My grandpa can't talk that well, but he says you're very beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(MUFFLED)
(IRVING MAKES GRUNTING SOUNDS)
(SLURPING)
Uh... Okay. I need to go.
- (SLURPING) - I need to go. Oh, my God.
BILLY: Grandpa wants to know if you're married!
Excuse me, my grandpa would like to say something.
(GRUNTING)
(SNIFFING)
He wants to know if you want to smell his finger.
IRVING:(GRUNTING) No, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, no.
(SNIFFING)
He wants to know if you're doing anything later.
IRVING: Takes an old hen to deliver the goods.
Is that a no?
- Is that a no? - Old chickens make good soup.
Um.
(GRUNTING)
My grandpa can't talk that well, but he says you're very beautiful.
IRVING: Hmm.
How do you know that's what he said?
(GRUNTING)
(VOCALIZES)
What did he say?
He says you make him feel young again.
Mmm. Mmm.
Do you know what he's saying, or are you just making stuff up?
- I know what he's saying. - (GRUNTING)
- Does he seem crazy to you sometime? - Yeah.
Excuse me!
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
(GAGGING)
He wants to know where we can get a hoagie around here.
- (CONTINUES GAGGING) - A hoagie sandwich.
Um...
(GAGGING)
Hoagie (MOUTHS) sandwich.
(GRUNTS)
BILLY: Excuse me.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
He says you look like a nice Jew.
(CHUCKLES)
No, no, no, no...
Oh, he says you have very nice shoes.
- Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, nice.
Oh, we're just, uh...
We're just, uh, clowning around.
I'm trying to teach him how to hit on women.
Oh, okay. I can kind of see what was going on.
- How did he do? - You did very good.
- Billy: Thank you. - You're welcome.
- He's sweet. He's my grandson. - Okay.
Yes.
He goes to bed around 8:00 P.M. or so. So, uh...
After that, I'm pretty much free.
No, I'm not... I'm not in the market right now.
You know, I...
I might be too old to stir the gravy, but I can still lick the spoon,
- that's for damn sure. - (LAUGHS)
Well, good luck.
Oh. All right.
- We'll be right here. - Okay.
IRVING: All right, sweetie.
(IRVING CHUCKLES)
Good job, buddy.
IRVING: Have you kissed a girl yet? BILLY: Yeah.
- Was she your girlfriend? - Yeah.
- How long did you go out with her? - A day.
A day... (LAUGHING)
A day?
That sounds like some of my relationships.
BILLY: Grandpa!
IRVING: Whoa!
Get that damn thing out of the way!
Jesus Christ!
Why would you put a penguin right in my driving spot?
In your... Sir, there's a curb there.
The driveways are there and there.
IRVING: Look, lady, get off my back!
I'm an old man.
What happened to "the customer's always right"?
Yeah, but you ain't right about running over the penguin.
Why would they put the penguin in my spot?
- You ran over the penguin. - You put a penguin in my spot!
You ran over the penguin! What are you talking about?
Well, you don't have to yell at me.
BILLY: Can I get out?
IRVING: Stay in the car, Billy.
And watch this.
MAN: You can't... Look, buddy. You're not going anywhere.
You're fixing the thing. That's all I'm telling you.
Oh, I'm going to eat.
You're not going anywhere.
- Watch out for the penguin, Sir! - No, I see it. (LAUGHS)
You already hit the penguin.
Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro.
Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
Nope.
I mean, if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but...
I'm not fixing it.
Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?
MAN: I'm about to bust your ass. IRVING: Over a penguin?
Fucking leave the penguin alone, bro.
I'm about to whip you, motherfucker. Up your ass, bro.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober.
Oh. Oh. I got your doober.
I got your doober. (MAKES EATING SOUNDS)
I ate your doober.
You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway.
- You're fucking 85 years old. - I got his doober.
- Thank God that wasn't a human being. - I got his doober and he's mad.
Okay, I'm gonna fucking...
Oh!
Atomic elbow! Atomic elbow!
I did a little wrestling myself in my younger days.
Are you fucking kidding me, bro?
What? Atomic elbow!
Are you kidding me?
I loved Abdullah the Butcher when I was younger.
Are you fucking kidding me, man?
Why? It's an atomic elbow.
Wow.
That looks like the camel toe in your pants!
Hoo-hah!
Get it? I said you had a vagina.
That's a vagina reference.
You're gonna fix this fucking penguin, whether you like it or not.
- You understand? - One second. I'm gonna say it...
(ECHOING) Am not, am not!
- You're gonna fix this fucking thing. - Irving: Nope, nope.
You gotta ask yourself, "What leverage do I have?"
Not much!
You're a fucking jerkoff, you know that?
- "You're gonna fix that penguin!" - "No, you're gonna fix it!"
- "You're gonna fix it!" - "No, you're gonna!"
(LAUGHS)
- Table for two? - Yeah.
Okay. Right this way.
I'd like to fix her penguin.
Want to see how red I can get my face?
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, stop, stop, stop!
(EXHALES)
Oh, my God. That was redder than an ape's ass.
- Watch your mouth. - Oh, sorry.
That was redder than an ape's tuchas.
Do you like a lot of milk?
Oh, boy, do I!
I like chocolate milk sometimes.
Yeah, Grandpa's got a taste for that, too.
BILLY: Yeah.
He used to have a big taste for it.
Why doesn't my mom like me?
Your mom likes you, buddy.
Then Why'd she run away from me?
Well...
Mom's got to go away for a little bit,
and so I'm taking you to your dad so he can look after you.
But I don't really like my dad.
Yeah, I don't like him much either, buddy.
- Angel. - Yes.
Earplugs, Billy.
Earplugs.
What time do you get off?
- 9:00 o'clock. - All right.
- All right.
Check out the rear bumpers on that one.
Mmm.
- How's your food? - Good.
How much butter you gonna put on that?
I'm eating this one.
- You eat it raw? - Yeah, why not?
Dear God.
I think
all this bacon is getting to Grandpa.
(IRVING FARTING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Did you just toot, Grandpa? - (SHUSHES)
That was a church house creeper.
I think I got one.
(BILLY FARTS)
(IRVING LAUGHS)
I think you need to clean out your shorts.
(BILLY AND IRVING CHUCKLE)
BILLY: Beat that.
Grandpa's tummy's hurting.
Let it out.
(LAUGHS)
Try this one on for size.
(GRUNTS)
- Oh, God. - Ew, Grandpa, you sharted!
(IRVING GROANS)
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
Oh, my...
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, ladies. Don't look back there. I'm so sorry.
(IRVING GROANS)
IRVING: Oh, God, that's...
Let's go, buddy.
Oh, no.
That guy stood up on the chair part and pooped on the wall.
- He what? - And he pooped on the wall.
Oh, good shot. Good... Take it again. Take it again.
Oh, Jesus.
All right. You want some of this?
Why can't I just stay with you instead of my dad?
- 'Cause that's not the plan. - We can change the plan.
(BILLY GRUNTS)
How about this? If I make this shot, I get to stay with you instead of my dad.
All right.
(GRUNTS) Get that out of here!
(LAUGHS)
BILLY: How about we become tuna fishermen and then move to Japan?
Oh, boy.
(CHUCKLES)
We'll get a fish market and then we sell all tuna and we'll be billionaires.
There is lots of tuna in Japan, that's for sure!
That's the best idea I heard in years, son.
Do you like to fish, old man?
I used to like to fish a lot, but that was before.
Before what?
Before a dark day when I caught my very own Moby Dick.
Whoa!
Jesus!
(GRUNTING)
Whoo!
Shit!
Oh, Lordy! Lordy!
A little help!
Oh, man!
Check out the nine iron on this one.
Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
What is that? What is that?
IRVING:(GROANS) It's a large-nose carpet croaker!
Yeah. Okay.
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
He's got his dick in his mouth!
(LAUGHING)
After that, I never ate fish sticks again.
(CHUCKLES)
BILLY: Grandpa, I'm hungry.
IRVING: You know what? I may have a solution.
(GUESTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
- Are you sure this is a good idea? - Of course it is.
You can get away with most anything, all you got to do is try.
Follow my lead.
MAN: Okay, folks, can we get a picture here with everyone?
Can everybody back up on this side just a little bit?
Just kinda take a couple steps back.
Keep going, just a little bit more.
IRVING: Look at this.
This is lovely!
Wow.
- Look at that. It's pretty, right? - Billy: Yeah.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Sir, can you back up out of the way?
I'm trying to take a picture.
- Oh, oh! Oh! - (CRASHING)
(PEOPLE SHRIEKING)
(IRVING GROANS)
- Help him! - Are you okay, Grandpa?
Ow!
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Should we call 911?
IRVING: Who pushed me?
MAN: I don't know. I think you just fell.
BILLY: Mmm.
Here. Got you some breakfast.
Sweet!
IRVING: All right.
- Hmm. What's today? - Saturday.
IRVING: Bet we could've stirred up some trouble here.
Damn shame I got to drop you at your dad's tomorrow.
Oh, the hell with it! Let's go have some fun.
Would you like to see a magic trick?
I need a $20 bill as a prop.
And I'll give it right back to you.
Allakazoo, allakastid...
Grab the stuff... Let's beat it, kid!
Come on! Come on!
What are you doing? What are you waiting on? Come on!
- Grandpa, the car! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(CRASHING)
Have a sip of beer with Grandpa.
- (SPITS) - Whoa.
(COUGHING)
'Cause he should not be drinking.
Grandpa, I'm fucking wasted.
IRVING: Whoops! BILLY: What the hell was that?
- You little cooter stretcher! - (BILLY GIGGLES)
(LAUGHING) No!
Wedgie, wedgie! (STRAINING)
(HORN BLOWING)
What's on your shirt?
(LAUGHING)
(GROANS)
Damn it. Ah...
Okay, my little wingman, why don't you take the big bed tonight?
- You deserve it. - Thank you, Grandpa!
Settle down, now. We got to get some sleep.
We got Raleigh tomorrow.
Night, Billy.
- Grandpa, can we go fishing tomorrow? - Maybe.
Promise?
Sure, I promise maybe.
Oh, I think I hear a flock of geese!
(FARTING)
Oh, my God, I think I just shit myself.
(LAUGHING)
Good night, buddy.
I don't want to go to my dad, though.
Well, I...
You got to. I can't keep you.
I just can't do anything with you right now.
But I'm sure your father will, uh, do the right thing.
My son's grandfather is dropping him off.
I ain't seen the boy in three or four years.
- So, you know... Yeah. - Really?
She took him away from me, okay,
'cause so she could get, you know, whatever, 'cause she got mad at me.
Child support. Child support'll kill you.
Guess what? Now I'm getting the child support. (LAUGHS)
You got any speed?
- Hey, man. How you doing? - Hey, man.
- I'm Chuck. - I'm Patrick.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Hey, what's that... (STAMMERS)
- Oh, fuck, man. - What's that, man?
What's up with the "GOC"? What's that, man?
Guardians of the Children, man.
CHUCK: Oh.
That's what G.O.C. stands for.
No shit. Well, what does that mean?
We're a...
biker organization...
CHUCK: Organization, huh?
And we, we help abused kids, man.
Come on.
CHUCK: There's the old prick right now.
It's about time.
You get lost?
Hey, Chuck.
Irving.
Hey, buddy. How you doing, Billy goat? You want to give me a hug?
- Don't be afraid of me. - Irving: Hey.
I know we had our differences in the past,
but I'm gonna ask you right now to please take care of this boy.
He's all I have left.
Don't come at me like I'm some kind of asshole.
Of course I'm gonna take care of the little shit.
- He's my kid. - Irving: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Just take it down, all right?
Just surprise me and don't be a schmuck this time, okay?
We're all good.
Come here. Come here, buddy.
You be a good boy, okay? All right?
I'm going to be checking in on you a lot.
And I'm gonna get word to your mom that you're with your father now.
And I'm gonna tell her all the fun we had,
and all the cool things you showed me.
Grandpa loves you very much.
Love you, too.
Good-bye, son.
Bye, old man.
Come on, Billy.
That's enough of that horseshit.
- Hop up here. There you go. - Get up here, little man.
IRVING: Excuse me.
Just sit up here.
Here, take this bag off. You don't need this.
How ya doing?
IRVING: Yes, Sir.
We're the Guardians of the Children...
and we take care of kids...
IRVING: That's good.
And as long as this boy and this feller's in there...
that child will be took care of.
Thank you very much. I, uh...
Don't worry about that.
I'm his grandfather and unfortunately I have to hand him back now.
I can see the concern.
(IRVING SNIFFLES)
I don't trust him.
How long does he get to keep the child?
IRVING: Until his mom gets out of jail.
(TEARFULLY) I'm sorry, Sir, I can't talk about it.
I understand. Have a good day.
(SOBBING) Please watch him!
We'll take good care of him.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ENGINE STARTS)
What's your name, little feller?
What's your name?
Billy.
Billy, I'm Rick.
Hi, Rick.
Nice to meet you, Billy.
Dad, can we get some food?
I'll tell you what, you can have a water.
Do you want a chicken wing for the road?
Please, Dad, I'm hungry.
You don't need to eat that. You're...
(STAMMERING) No, don't give him that.
I mean, he needs to lose some weight.
- I mean, honestly. - (RICK SPEAKING)
A chicken leg ain't gonna hurt him.
BILLY: Thank you.
Will you watch the little fat boy? I gotta go take a piss.
Don't call him that.
(SIGHS)
(SLOW GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
- (GUITAR STRUMMING INTENSIFIES) - (TIRES SCREECHING)
When someone disrespects me,
I wanna be able to go, like, "DT, take him out."
Yeah, no. We're not that.
"DT, see that..."
CHUCK: Look at that that guy eyeballing me over there.
Listen, if I start some shit right now, will you guys back me up?
'Cause this guy's been eyeballing me all...
No, no, you're on your own.
We're here having a party.
That's all we are.
Yeah, damn.
That's what we're about, so...
Billy.
Let's go fishing.
Let's go fishing, buddy.
What are you doing back here?
- He's going with me. - Can we?
IRVING: Yeah, you're coming with me.
Yeah, I don't want you with him, all right?
CHUCK: Whoa, whoa, whoa...
IRVING: No, no. Don't put your hands on him.
That's my son. I can put my hand on him if I want to.
IRVING: No, don't touch him. You are his...
- You are a son of a bitch. - I am his family.
IRVING: You've been no father.
- Oh, yeah? Really? - Yeah.
Come on, Billy. Let's go.
Just stay right there! Don't listen...
Hey, he's staying right here.
- Irving: Come here, buddy. - No, no, no. He's staying here.
- Back off! - You back off!
He's not going with you. He's coming with me.
- Do you understand? - No, no, no.
- He's coming with... - This is my meal ticket.
IRVING: You're not fit to have him.
- Chuck: I'm not fit? - Yeah, you're not fit...
I'm not fit? I'll fucking kick your ass!
- (MUTTERS) Get out of my face! - MAN 1: All right, all right!
(ALL CLAMORING)
MAN 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I'll kill you! - Easy. Easy.
MAN 3: Settle the hell down, man!
You ain't going nowhere, buddy. Stop it.
You better let go of me, boy.
- Let me get his bag. - Take your grandson.
- Where's my grandson's backpack? - WOMAN: Okay. He's okay.
CHUCK: I can't hack it with him!
There goes my 600 bucks!
MAN 4: What are you talking about, man?
That kid is my 600 bucks a month!
Come back here!
Let me tell you something, he's more than money.
MAN 4: He's a hell of a lot more than money.
You hear what I'm saying?
- He's fixing to get hurt out there. - I hear you, man.
You'll freaking get hurt, brother.
You ain't gonna kill nobody, brother.
MAN 2: Unless you die your damn self then you better chill out.
All right, now, all right!
You looking at a death Angel right now.
You got me, all right?
- That boy ain't no 600 dollars. - I forfeit.
I forfeit.
You understand me?
I give up. I surrender.
Fine. Fine. You wanna guard that kid?
You guard him.
He's got a guardian.
WOMAN: Go ahead and take off. We'll keep him inside.
IRVING: Thank you so much.
WOMAN: Bye, baby! Have fun, okay?
- You okay? - Yeah. You?
I'm okay.
(ENGINE STARTS)
- (ALL SHRIEKING) - Irving: Oh!
Oh, no.
MEN: Oh, shit!
Sorry about the bikes!
IRVING: Did you really think I was going to leave you?
BILLY: Kind Of.
IRVING: No way!
Well, what do you want to do now?
I got an idea.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, GUYS.
- Good evening. - Irving: Hi.
- How are you? - Irving AND Billy: Good.
- All right... - Wait.
Now, when we walk in that room, your name is Lindsey Dill. Okay?
You're a pretty little girl, so no farting and no swearing, you got it?
Let's go win us some money.
(QUIETLY) All right. Come on.
Hi. Is it okay if I interview you guys?
Doing a behind-the-scenes video for the pageant.
WOMAN: Sure.
Who are you?
Hi. My name's Jill.
Can I ask you some questions for our camera?
Yes.
Say, "Yes, ma'am" but don't baby-talk.
So, how many pageants have you been in?
I've probably been in a thousand pageants.
And how many of them did you win?
I won every single one!
- What? - Every single one!
- I'm supposed to talk. - It's competitive, it's a sport.
- And my friends... - And so moms get...
You know, they get into this competition
and if you're going to do it and do it right...
What are you doing?
Stop, now. If you're going to do it and do it right...
I mean, you've got to be willing to be competitive.
And that's what happens, you know?
Sometimes I think competition, just like any other sport,
gets the best of everybody.
Well, thank you so much for being here tonight
at the Carolina Cutie Pies Young Miss Pageant.
And because this is such a special night,
we have a very special surprise for you.
Tonight, for the winner, we're going to give away $5,000!
Whoo!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
$5,000!
IRVING: That's crazy!
But now, we want to get into our beauty gown competition.
- Are you excited? - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I know. I love it!
- (UPBEAT POP SONG PLAYING) - (QUIETLY) This is so funny!
EMCEE: Contestant number one, please come to the stage.
Looking very beautiful tonight.
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INAUDIBLE)
This is contestant number 10, Lindsey Dill!
Lindsey has blazing blonde hair and Hazel eyes.
Her hobbies are football, fishing and playing with her sock monkey!
That must be your proud grandpa.
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
Ladies and gentlemen, contestant number 10, Lindsey Dill.
That's my granddaughter.
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
Hi-ya!
- EMCEE: Let's give her a hand! - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(EMCEE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Your daughter's so precious. She's so precious... She did really good.
I don't know if it'll be good enough for first place, but she did really good.
EMCEE: ...Good Time by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.
JILL: So, how do you think the competition's going so far?
Good.
Do you think you have any stiff competition?
Some...
one of these girls has her grandpa here.
JILL: Is that weird?
We've just never seen it, so it's different.
And this is contestant number 10.
Everyone, Lindsey Dill!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
CHOIR:(SINGING) My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
My Bonnie lies over the sea.
Aw...
My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
Please bring back my Bonnie to me
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
We're locking it up.
Come on.
That's a boy?
IRVING: Shit. Come on!
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Lindsey Dill.
BILLY: Grandpa, what'd you think of my dancing?
IRVING: Ha! I loved your dancing.
You were Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire all rolled into one.
Gimme five.
(LAUGHS)
BILLY: Grandpa, school starts on Tuesday.
IRVING: Tuesday?
Hell, that's when the ponies start running.
What do you say I get you to school on Friday?
BILLY: All right!
(IRVING LAUGHS)
All right.
Does this look like a good spot?
This looks like as good a spot as any.
Here we go!
(GROANS)
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Oh!
(EXHALES)
- Billy: You sure we should do this? - This is what she wanted.
You got any final words for your grandma?
BILLY: Yeah.
Bye, Grandma.
IRVING: Bye, Ellie.
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
(CHUCKLES)
Let's start fishing.
Let's fish.
I call black one!
You got the black one? Okay, I got the red one.
Whoa.
- Grandpa, I got to pee-pee. - You got to pee-pee?
Well, dangle that little thing through the railing and let her rip.
But point it that way out of respect for your grandmother.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Man, get the fuck away from me.
What did I do?
- Can I get a hug? Dad? - That wouldn't be appropriate, big guy.
(GRUNTING)
- He says you have a fat kitty cat. - Okay.
Hmm?
- Irving: Jiggle my shoulders! - I tried to do it!
Jiggle my... Ow! Jiggle! Jiggle!
What does he look like?
He's got a moustache, big head, tall,
and, um, he smells like old farts.
(LAUGHS)
Listen, old man. I ain't fucking young.
I'm 45 years old. I'll fucking tune you up. All right?
Mmm-hmm. Yep.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey! Listen up, listen up!
The gentleman you just saw in here was Mr. Johnny Knoxville
and we are shooting a movie.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you, everyone, for putting up with me tonight,
and thank you for not beating me up.
- High five! - High five!
Why were you wearing a bra?
WOMAN: "Why were you wearing a bra?"
- (LAUGHS) - For my dance.
Well, that was inappropriate!
- Doris, what did you think? - (CHUCKLES)
My mother's not gonna like this!
(LAUGHS)
- We're shooting a movie. - No way!
- You've got to be kidding me! - Oh, my God!
I just did all of that and... Oh, my God!
And a Rusty trombone for my grandpa.
- A Rusty trombone for your grandpa, huh? - Irving: Yep.
Well, I need to take your picture to see if you're on a milk carton somewhere.
What do you think?
Don't hurt me!
Hurt you? I'm 86 years old.
Don't hurt me!
- Billy: Oh... - (BOTH CHEERING)
Billy! Billy!
(GROANING)
Ow!
(SINGING ALONG TO R&B SONG)
What is a whore?
Oh, boy. Uh...
Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
All right, here we go.
(CHUCKLES)
Poof! I'm an old prick now. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah? Get a load of this!
(CREW LAUGHING)
My mommy loves crack almost as much as I love fishing.
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
WOMAN: Can I help you?
Talk more like an old man.
- Me? - Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, he sounds like Johnny Knoxville.
(SQUEALING)
I hate this job. I fucking hate you!
(LAUGHING)
This is a camera, in there.
That's a camera.
I think there's a camera here somewhere.
(LAUGHING)
- Talk to that. - Okay, and when... Hi, how are you?
Oh, look at me! I look beautiful!
That's one ugly bitch.
(CREW LAUGHING)
It's interesting. Every time I work with these guys,
I'm either in a casket or around a casket.
(LAUGHING)
I like standing here.
And I like standing here.
But my favorite spot is here.
- Come on. - Get away.
I may be too old to stir the gumbo, but I can still lick the ladle, that's for sure.
WOMAN:(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
In my opinion, ladle-licking is more important than gumbo-stirring anyway.
(STAMMERING) Oh, I can lick my eyebrows.
Get out!
Fuck.
(JOHNNY KNOXVILLE GROANING)
KNOXVILLE: Oh, my God!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SINGING ALONG TO COUNTRY SONG)
Are you all right?
(BURPING)
- Okay. - (COUGHS) Oh, man.
Whoa.
(BOTH CONTINUE SINGING ALONG)
IRVING: Big finish.
(SIREN BLARING)
(IRVING LAUGHING)
What's going on here?
BILLY: Get out of here, asshole.
MAN: We have to bring in your stunt double.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Thank you. - You gotta be shittin' me, man!
I'm sitting there looking, I'm like, "What is up with this?"
Are you serious?
KNOXVILLE: You guys are so sweet to look after Billy.
- Oh, my God! - How are you?
Ugh!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelman.
(BOTH CONTINUE SINGING ALONG)
CREW:(SINGING) My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
My Bonnie lies over the sea.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
So bring back my Bonnie to me
(ALL VOCALIZING ROCK MUSIC)
(ALL SINGING ROCK SONG)
(ALL CHEERING)