你命中注定會成功 You're destined for success.
你天賦異稟 You've tested off the charts.
大家都愛你 People love you.
更重要的是 大家都需要你 But more importantly, they need you.
為什么 Why?
因為你有許多獨特的品質 Because you posses a series of unique attributes.
謝謝 Thanks.
不過我覺得我還處在發現自我的過程中 I do still feel like I'm on a journey, though, of self-discovery.
我是在說止咳糖 Talking to the lozenge.
哦 止咳糖啊 Oh. The lozenge.
咚咚咚 Knock, knock.
泰倫斯 客服部門的新活動怎么樣 Terrence, how's the new gig in customer service?
想聽"超贊"請按1 Press 1 for awesome.
嗶 Beep.
查詢賬單請按2 Press 2 for billing.
有趣的是 查賬單真的是要按2 Fun fact -- 2 is actually the number for billing --
-你可以閃了 泰倫斯 -好的 - Okay, out, Terrence. - Oh, absolutely.
差點忘了 Oh! I almost forgot.
咱們老板 我岳父讓我把這個給你 Our boss/my dad-in-law asked me to deliver this.
亨利·希格斯
是我想的那個嗎 Is that what I think it is?
山姆邀請我去他圣巴巴拉的家 Sam's inviting me to the Santa Barbara house?
沒錯 Affirmative.
太棒了 Yes!
耶 耶 Ye-- ye--
山姆只邀請他看中要提拔的執行官 Sam only invites executives that he's eyeing for promotion
去他的周末宅邸共飲 up to his weekend estate to hobnob.
哇 共飲耶 Whoa. Hobnob.
不 提拔 No. Promotion.
這才是讓人興奮的詞 查理 That's the exciting word, Charlie.
♪ I'm looking at me ♪
♪ Hey, look, it's me ♪
♪ Not to make it all me ♪
♪ Funny thing about me ♪
♪ Is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪
♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪
伊莉莎 伊莉莎 Eliza. Eliza.
早啊 亨利 你怎么樣 Good morning, Henry! How are you?!
我告訴你我不怎么樣 我不是聽障 I'll tell you how I'm not -- hearing impaired.
你聲音太大了 You're shouting.
我在聽著歌做骨盆操 Sorry, I was just doing kegels to Riff Raff.
好吧 我是要告訴你 All right, well, I wanted to let you know --
你現在還在做嗎 Are you still doing them?
不要 求你別做了 Don't. Please stop doing them.
咱們周五的安排得取消了 I need to cancel our work session on Friday.
有美女約會 Ooh. Hot date?
不是 不過應該也不遠了 No, but I'm hopeful that's on the horizon.
還在等別人幫我撮合的那個女生回我短信 Still waiting on this girl i'm getting fixed up with to return my text.
她沒回你的短信嗎 She didn't return your text?
沒有 不過她最后肯定會回的 No, but I'm sure she will eventually.
短信可不是什么最后會回的事 Whoa-ho, a text is not something you return eventually.
瞧好了 Watch this.
嗨 Hi.
咋樣
看到沒 弗雷迪秒回 See? Freddy texted me right back.
好吧 不過我并不是想要現在就發短信 Okay, well, I'm not concerned with texting at this precise moment.
看 才兩秒沒理他 See? Two more seconds,
怎么了
弗雷迪就不高興了 and Freddy's already pissed I didn't reply.
我懂了 我懂了 I get it. I get it.
-剛才發生了具有歷史意義的一刻 -什么 - Something momentous has happened. - What?
我收到邀請 I have been invited
去山姆·薩珀斯坦在圣巴巴拉的莊園 to Sam Saperstein's ranch in Santa Barbara.
這 這是件大事嗎 因為...你看 Is that -- is that a big deal, or...Look!
你哪來的這個 Where did you get that?
泰倫斯給的 Terrence.
肯定是搞錯了 Oh, that must be some kind of mistake.
-不可能 -為什么 - This can't be right. - Why?
因為一般山姆會用這種盛會 Because usually, these retreats are Sam's way
審查一下上層執行官 of vetting upper-level executives
就是 被他看上的執行官 who are... you know, being eyed.
我一直都備受矚目啊 I'm always being eyed.
而且我敢說 In fact, I would argue there is
全公司沒有誰比我更受矚目 no one in this company who gets eyed more.
比如 我離開房間時 For example, when I exit a room,
大家的視線都不可能移開 it is impossible not to look.
首先 我所說的被看上并不是這個意思 First of all, that's not what I meant by being eyed.
你不許看我 Try not to look.
-伊莉莎 -試試嘛 - Eliza. - Just try.
♪ Yo ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yo ♪
沒有在看 Not looking.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yo ♪
♪ Boyz ♪
♪ Yo ♪
還是沒看 Still not looking.
♪ Hold up, hold up ♪
♪ Hold up, we dem boyz ♪
♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, we making noise ♪
♪ Hold up ♪
♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪
♪ Hold up ♪
♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪
誰出個門還要吼那么多句啊 Nobody says hold up that many times when exiting a room.
♪ We dem boyz ♪
♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up ♪
♪ We making noise ♪
好了好了 All right, all right.
拜托你停下 會傷到自己的 P-please stop! You're gonna hurt yourself.
♪ Hold up, we dem boyz ♪
好吧 好吧 Fine...fine
♪ Pop a bottle ♪
你看了 哈 Looked! Ha ha!
好吧 我要說的就是這個 伊莉莎 All right, this is exactly what I'm talking about, Eliza.
你根本沒有專業范兒 You don't exactly exude professionalism,
-所以我很難想象 -什么 - so it's hard for me to imagine... - What?
很難想象薩珀斯坦會注意到 That Saperstein would take note of my unrivaled status
我最佳銷售代表無人匹敵的狀態嗎 as this company's top-performing sales rep?
沒搞錯吧 Seriously?
就因為我不是個穿西裝的男人 Because I'm not a dude in a suit,
你就想象不出他會因為我毫無瑕疵的業績記錄 you can't imagine that he would reward my flawless track record
獎勵提拔我做銷售部主任嗎 by making me, say, the director of sales?
這并不在于你不是穿西裝的男人 This is not about you not being a dude in a suit.
此外 我的工作比你的難多了 Furthermore, my job is harder than yours.
我面對的可是真正的醫生 I deal with doctors.
你是給普通大眾做銷售的 You sell to the general public,
只要他們覺得對他們鼻涕滿臉的孩子有用 who will buy anything you put in front of them
你給他們什么 他們都會買的 if they think it'll help their sticky, snot-covered kids.
你剛剛是說了"此外"嗎 Did you just say "furthermore"?
的確如此 因此 從今以后 Indeed. Henceforth, ergo...
我應該升職 I should be promoted.
得意地笑 Llc.
也許你是對的 Maybe you're right.
但是 But?
但是 But...
我覺得很有可能你是我的女伴 I think it's more likely that you're my plus one.
女伴 Plus one?
是的 很抱歉 Yes, I'm sorry, but...
沾別人光這事我不干 I'm nobody's plus one.
老娘是貴賓 小婊砸們 I'm V.I.P., bitches.
小婊砸們 就我一個人 一個表砸 "Bitches"? It's just me. One bitch.
騷當家的萬圣趴我是女伴嗎 Was I plus one at Adam Levine's Halloween party?
艾薇兒的圣誕趴呢 At Avril Lavigne's Christmas party?
雪莉·謝波德[演員]的錢包趴呢 At Sherri Shepherd's purse party?
還有南帕薩迪納維秘內衣店的重新開業盛典 At the grand reopening of the South Pasadena Victoria's Secret,
雖然我沒去 但我收到邀請了 which I didn't go to, but to which I was invited,
要是我去的話 就有免費丁字褲 and had I gone, I would have received a free thong.
塔吉特商店黑色星期五 Was I plus one at Target's
優秀消費者預售活動 我是女伴嗎 preferred shoppers Black Friday pre-sale? Hmm?
詹妮弗·梅爾珠寶店的不尋常大甩賣 我是女伴嗎 Was I plus one at Jennifer Meyer's irregular trunk sale?
斯考特·迪西克[真人秀選手]的勸解大會... Was I a plus one at Scott disick's interven--
好吧 好吧 伊莉莎 Fine, Eliza, fine.
重點是 我會收到別人邀請我共同出席 The point is, I receive plus ones.
但我絕對不去 I do not be them.
好吧 顯然我激怒了你 我收回那句話 Fine, I clearly touched a nerve. I take it back.
抱歉 你是因為自己的表現而收到的邀請 I'm sorry. You were invited here on your own merit.
而你對性感的紅發尤物有偏見 And you discriminate against hot redheads.
當然 我對性感的紅發尤物有偏見 And I, of course, discriminate against hot redheads.
而伊莉莎 從來不是 也永遠不會是 And Eliza is not and never will be a...
誰的女伴 plus one.
終于來了 There they are!
我們的風云人物 The man of the hour.
和他的女伴 Plus one.
聽著 你可以這么理解 Look. Look at it this way.
雖然現在他認為你是女伴 He may see you as my plus one now,
但到了周末結束 你很可能就跟山姆 but by the time the weekend is over, you could very well be
可以雙雙把家還了 on the other side of Sam's velvet rope.
別用夜店梗跟我套近乎 Please stop trying to relate to me by using nightclub jargon.
你簡直是在雪上加霜 You're seriously just making it worse.
我要回家 And I want to go home.
不行 No, you can't.
他認為你是我的女伴[正一] 如果你走了 He thinks you're my plus one, and if you leave,
我就沒伴[負一]了 I'll be negative one,
我真的不想 and I really don't want to start
這個升職關鍵周末一開始就這么衰 my big promotion weekend off on a sour note.
拿好了 Here we go.
薩珀斯坦莊園的贈品喲 Compliments of Rancho de Saperstein.
肥皂上印了你們名字的縮寫 We've got monogrammed bath soaps,
天然蜂窩海綿 natural honeycomb sea sponge...
有機秘魯可可豆 uh, gold-dusted organic Peruvian cacao nibs,
當然還有 and, of course,
可愛動物睡衣 Janimals, janimals wearable stuffed animals.
我的是獨角獸 我的是獨角獸 I'm the unicorn. I got the unicorn.
這是日程安排 Here's our itinerary.
有什么忌口的 Please make us aware of any dietary restrictions
或者想安排什么服務 請一定告訴我們 or if you'd care to schedule any services.
都有什么服務 What kind of services.
有高溫巖石按摩 芬蘭無花果面膜 Oh, got hot rock rolfing, Finnish fig facial,
香薰乳房檢查 激光除毛 aromatic mammogram, laser hair replacement,
日式... Japanese wagu...
就在那一刻 In that moment,
我意識到亨利有多么需要我 I realized how much Henry needed me,
所以我決定要做一些無私之舉 so I decided to do something selfless.
我要這個 這個 I want this one, this one,
這個 這個 這個 還有這個 this one, this, this, this, and this one.
你把這些全指了個遍 Uh, you just pointed at all of them.
這個最好來兩次 Better make it two of this one.
謝謝 小泰 Thanks, T.
好的 Okay.
你們住在東廊 You'll occupy the east wing,
可以觀賞到隔壁奧普拉的葡萄園 which overlooks Oprah's vineyard next door.
老板 你家真別致 Sir, your home is exquisite.
建于1923年的西班牙殖民建筑 A gorgeous spanish colonial built in 1923,
卻絲毫不顯老氣 and yet she doesn't look a day over timeless.
你家無線網是哪個 Hey. What's your wi-fi network?
我這里只搜到了一個 不是蓋爾的網絡 I'm only seeing one here called, uh, "Not Gayle's network."
不只是蓋爾不用網絡 Gayle's not the only one not using a network.
薩珀斯坦莊園里沒有網絡 Here at Rancho de Saperstein, there is no network.
沒有信號 No signal.
我們一無所有 We have nothing...
只有彼此相伴 ...but each other.
你們會明白 我們有彼此就夠了 I think you'll find that's all we need.
會沒事的 It'll be okay.
亨利 你住在裂竹套房 Henry, you'll occupy the split bamboo suite,
是根據印度性愛圣經里我老婆最喜歡的體位命名的 named after my wife's favorite "Kama sutra" Position.
請進 Enter.
我能借一下你大禮包里的鞋油嗎 Can I borrow the shoe polish from your welcome kit?
我的用完了 只夠一只靴子 Mine is empty and I only got through one boot.
看 都沒有閃閃惹人愛 Look. The light barely dances.
在那呢 Oh! It's over there.
謝謝 Thanks.
明天起床我是要比利時藍莓華夫餅 Should I get Belgian blueberry waffles
還是三片培根呢 or three slides of bacon tomorrow upon waking?
都不要 Neither.
你應該下樓 You should come down to the table
跟主人共進早餐 and have breakfast with our hosts.
我又不是要吃 It's not for eating.
我只是想在起床時聞到屋里的華夫餅香味 I just want the room to smell like waffles when I wake up.
或者培根 不不 華夫餅 Or bacon. No, no, waffles.
不 培根 No, bacon.
我想你已經抽空看了一下周末的安排 I assume you've taken a moment to review the weekend schedule,
我不需要再向你贅述 and I don't need to impress upon you further
守時是必須的 that punctuality at each event is imperative.
華夫餅和培根都要 Waffles and bacon!
我想 明天早上吃早飯的時候 I suspect there'll be some opportunity
一定有機會嘮嘮嗑 for small talk at breakfast tomorrow.
我會謝謝你把這事交給我 I'll thank you to leave that to me.
謝謝 Thank you.
真頭疼啊 老天 This is so frustrating. God.
這上面有魚子醬蛋卷 There's a caviar omelette on here,
可我要等到周一才能發到推特上 and I can't even tweet it till Monday.
真是糟心 It's like, "Ugh."
喝果汁的時候 我會隨意地分享一下 Over the juice course, I'll casually share my vision
我對公司未來的展望 for the future of our company.
吃瓜果的時候 我會繼續高歌 During melon, I'll segue into where
展望我對公司五年 十年后的暢想 I see our company going 5, 10 years down the road.
下午 我會還念一下從前 Come afternoon, I'll wax nostalgic
回顧我初入職場時的青澀 about my humble beginnings as a junior executive,
愉快地分享一則軼事 merrily sharing an anecdote
既凸顯雄心壯志 又充滿自謙之態 that's both self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating.
老天 你要是再不閉嘴 Oh, my God, I'm gonna hang myself
我就用這睡衣上吊 by the janimals if you don't stop talking.
黃昏來到馬場 Come dusk on the horse trail,
過去與未來的音符都已分享 暢談 having already shared, waxed, and segued,
我會以馴服野馬的比喻奏響最終章 I'll complete the metaphor of taming a steed...
如果提拔審查 If being vetted for a promotion
意味著要變得像亨利那樣 means you have to act like Henry,
那我很高興我并不在提拔之列 I was kind of glad I was off the hook.
他的行為把我倆都逼瘋了 He was driving both of us crazy
而且錯過了很多美好的事物 and missing out on loads of swag amenities,
比如拖鞋里的巧克力 like slipper chocolate.
第二天早晨 我一覺睡到自然醒 The next morning, I slept in
而亨利已經快把早餐桌上的大家都無聊死了 while Henry bored the crap out of everyone over scones.
拉杰 琳達 夏莫妮卡和瓊 Raj, Linda, Charmonique, and Joan
會被一批無人機取代 進而重新分配到 will be replaced by drones, and relocated
阿爾布開克一家新開的姐妹公司去 to a newly-formed sister facility in Albuquerque,
我覺得這樣一定會對公司的稅率 who I understand is offering some exciting incentives
起到不錯的激勵效果 pertaining to corporate tax rates.
而且你知道 你知道大家是 And you know -- you know what they say
怎么說公司稅率的嗎 about corporate tax rates.
-等等 -交稅越多... - Hold up! - The bigger the tax --
-等等 等等 -她來了 - Hold up! Hold up! - There she is.
-等等 等等 -伊莉莎 早啊 - Hold up! Hold up! - Eliza! Morning.
謝天謝地 Oh, thank God.
抱歉我遲到了 但是睡在那張床上 Sorry I'm late, but that bed was literally like
簡直就跟睡在維秘天使的酥胸上一樣 sleeping on an angel's breast implants.
人家天使還會在乎自己的胸嗎 I don't think angels augment their breasts.
在薩珀斯坦莊園睡過頭 Sleeping in is not an uncommon occurrence
是常有的事 here at Rancho de Saperstein.
都怪床墊太舒服 It's the mattresses.
這里的床墊里塞的是手工卷曲的考拉毛絨 They're stuffed with hand-curled koala fleece,
這樣可以讓你享受絕佳的睡眠 which leads to a superior night's rest.
我不了解考拉 I don't know much about koalas,
但是我知道馬是第九聰明的動物 but I do know that horses are the ninth smartest animal.
我們要一起去馬廄嗎 Shall we hit the stables?
怎么樣 我都急不可待了 Huh? What can I say? I am hot to trot.
疾馳瀟灑 慢跑愜意 甚至可以玩盛裝舞步 Good to gallop. Cool to canter. Down to dressage.
天哪 看來某人對騎術詞語下了不少功夫啊 My! Someone really has researched their horse words.
伊莉莎 需要我們等你去換衣服嗎 Eliza, should we wait for you to get changed?
不 我不去 Mnh-mnh. No way.
我對馬不感興趣 它們一股流浪漢的味道 I'm not into horses. They smell like hobos.
我就只想裹著浴巾 All I want to do is lay on a towel,
喝著菠蘿汁 八卦一下瑪麗亞和尼克 drink out of a pineapple, and find out what the quack
他們的婚姻為什么會出問題 went wrong in Nick and Mariah's marriage
以及為什么監護權的判定要為#雙胞胎考慮 and why the custody arrangement is for #dembabies.
-這聽起來 -簡直就是天堂 - That sounds -- - Like paradise.
我去換泳裝 我們泳池見 I'll strap on the speedo, and we'll meet at the pool.
棒 Mm, great.
那馬呢 還去騎馬嗎 Uh, what about the horses? What about the riding?
我說馬啊 亨利 讓它們等著吧 If I know anything about horses, Henry, they'll wait.
♪ I'm working on my tan, bitch ♪
你要換衣服嗎 Aren't you gonna change?
換什么 我又沒帶泳裝來 Into what? I didn't bring swim gear.
為什么 因為游泳一項根本就不在日程安排上 Why? Because swimming was not on the itinerary.
日程安排改了嘛 Well, the itinerary changed.
你得學會適應大家的節奏 亨利 You have to be able to go with the flow, Henry.
你不要繼續控制大家的節奏了好嗎 And you have to stop trying to control the flow.
這不能怪我啊 我做的大家都想做 It's not my fault everyone always wants to do what I do.
就好像我剪了齊劉海 It's like when I got bangs
然后米歇爾·奧巴馬也跟著我剪了齊劉海 and then Michelle Obama got bangs.
當我說"現在孩子真胖"時 And when I said, "Kids are so fat,"
她就加入反對兒童肥胖的游行中了 and then she jumped on the whole childhood obesity bandwagon.
而當我開始穿無袖上衣的時候 And then when I started wearing lots of sleeveless stuff,
是誰也突然開始大露胳膊了 who suddenly had their arms showing all the time?
第一夫人就是這么跟著我的感覺走 The first lady of nonstop riding my jock.
如果你不介意的話 Well, if you don't mind,
大家也都學你在泳池邊玩過了 now that everyone's had their fun copying you by the pool,
現在我想再提議大家去騎馬... I'd like to reintroduce the idea of horseback riding...
-好 -我可是用了三年時間 - Yay. .. - which I spent three years
花了一萬六千多美金才學會的 and over $16,000 learning how to do.
我就只求你不給我搗亂 All I ask is that you don't do anything to derail it.
我保證 You have my word.
你們騎馬的時候 我要偷偷溜走 And while you guys are riding, I'm gonna sneak off
去看看奧普拉會不會出現 and see if I can catch an Oprah sighting.
去看奧普拉我一定要跟你一起 I'd totally go Oprah watching.
對 還有我 一定去 Oh, yeah, me, too. Totally.
-去看奧普拉嗎 -好啊 - Oprah watching? - Oh!
如果天黑前出發 還能徒步去湖邊看看 If we leave before dark, we can hike up to the lake.
太棒了 Wonderful!
我去換休閑短裙 I'll slip into my ambling kilt.
不 是休閑褲裙 No! My strolling culottes.
咱們走 Let's go.
需要我代你向奧普拉問好嗎 Want me to tell Oprah you say hey?
路易斯 Louis.
我需要一杯菠蘿汁帶走 I'm gonna need a pineapple to go.
你也要喝嗎 Do you want a pineapple?
-菠蘿汁 -好 - Pineapple? - Yeah.
來兩杯 Make it two.
我一直在想辦法讓亨利放松 I was trying to get Henry to relax,
但是真的不好辦 but it wasn't easy.
他一直在想盡辦法找機會升職 He was crushing his chance of promotion,
真的是不顧一切想盡辦法 and not in the urban dictionary sense.
...變為暢銷家具密封劑 ...into a top-selling furniture sealant.
住嘴 亨利 你...住嘴 Stop talking, Henry. Stop...Stop talking.
你聽到了嗎 Do you hear that?
黃喉林鶯瘋狂求偶的鳴叫聲 The frantic mating song of the yellow-throated warbler.
我都聽激動了 I know I'm horny.
說真的 你聽過這么動聽的鳥鳴聲嗎 Seriously, though, have you ever heard a sound so sweet?
亨利 你得放松 Henry, you got to relax.
我放松不了 I can't relax.
我都還沒說什么他就不讓我說了 He cut me off before I could deprecate.
我還得繼續努力去跟他說啊 I still need to deprecate.
伊莉莎 等你來看前面的好東西哦 Eliza, wait till you see what's just up ahead!
-天哪 -真是迫不及待了 - Oh, my God, - I can't wait.
我要完蛋了 要慘了 I'm bombing. I'm tanking.
我能感覺到升職機會從我指間溜走 I can feel the promotion slipping through my fingers.
-我能感覺到 -你想多了 - I can feel it. - You're overthinking it.
不要多想 你就放松開心玩玩嘛 Don't overthink it. Just try to have fun.
我才不開心 I'm not having fun.
你能至少假裝自己很開心嗎 Can you maybe try to, like, look like you're having fun?
你這是流鼻血了嗎 Are you having a nosebleed?
什么 What?
快點來啊 大蝸牛 Hurry up, slowpokes!
做點有意思的事 Do something fun.
今天結束前 做一件有意思的事好嗎 Before the day's over, do one fun thing, okay?
這樣薩珀斯坦才能知道你的能力啊 Just so Saperstein knows you're capable.
-好主意 -好 - Good idea. - Okay.
我懂了 Got it.
淡水資源保護區
又和她的真愛重聚了 Reunited with her one true love.
我被蒙特西托季刊 When I was voted "Milf of the moment"
選為"迷人少婦"時 封面硬照就是在這里拍的 by Montecito Quarterly, we shot my cover photo right here.
告訴我原因 不要謙虛 Now, tell me why. Don't be modest.
我拯救了這個湖 I saved this lake.
宣布這里為淡水保護區的 Mom chaired the conservancy group
水利小組是媽媽負責的 that had it declared a freshwater preserve.
這里禁止一切形式的開發 It's been off-limits to development
或者娛樂活動 or any form of recreation.
說實話 這里不受人類觸及已經... In fact, it's been untouched by human beings --
炮彈來啦 Cannonball!
不 Oh! No!
-你們快下來啊 -天哪 - Get in here! Come on. - Oh, my God.
大家為什么都在哭啊 Why is everyone crying?
完蛋了 It's over.
沒什么大不了的啦 It's not a big deal.
雖然我無法確定 I mean, I can't check,
但是肯定上不了熱門話題 but it bet it's not even trending,
所以知道你跳進禁止游泳的湖的 so, you know, the only people who know about you
就只有你老板 你老板的家人 jumping into a forbidden lake are your boss, his family,
環保局蒙特西托分局 可能還有斯特德曼[教育家] the Montecito branch of the EPA, and maybe, like, Stedman.
我升職的夢想破滅了 My chances for a promotion are dead,
就像那個湖脆弱的生態系統一樣 just like the fragile ecosystem of that lake.
我真的很... I'm s--
天哪 亨利 你不要驚慌 Oh, my God, uh, Henry, don't freak out,
但是有條水蛭在你的... but, uh, you have a -- a leech on your --
對 我確實有條水蛭 Yes, I do have a leech,
那條水蛭整個周末以來一直在吸走我的 a leech that's been sucking the life out of me
生活希望 她的名字就叫伊莉莎·杜麗 all weekend, and her name is Eliza Dooley.
我是水蛭嗎 I'm a leech?
是你求我來留下的 所以... You practically begged me to stay here, so...
我當初不應該求你留下 Well, that was my mistake.
也不應該聽你的鬼話 And it was my mistake for listening to you.
你毀了我的周末 You ruined my weekend!
天哪 說實話 God, in all honesty,
我更喜歡跟你打電話的時候 I think I preferred you when you were on your phone.
好吧 Fine.
天哪 我脖子上有條水蛭 Oh, my God, I have a leech on my neck.
我知道 我就是想跟你說這個 I know. That's what I said.
我是想幫你 I was trying to help you!
我一直想幫你 I've been trying to help.
規則是什么來著 如果冷... What's the rule again? If it's cold --
就等等 Wait.
-如果熱 -就不等 - And if it's hot? - Not.
如果是黃色 先別沖廁所 And if it's yellow, let it mellow?
節水標語 小便不沖廁所
特倫斯 Terrence.
抱歉我遲到了 I'm sorry I'm late.
抱歉遲到了 Sorry I'm late.
我從不遲到的 And I'm never late.
說實話 我一般都是早到的 As a matter of fact, I'm usually early.
先生 守時一直是 Punctuality, sir,
我自己引以為豪的優點 is an attribute I pride myself on.
你的完美另一半呢 Where's your better half?
伊莉莎嗎 她走了 先生 Eliza? She's gone, sir.
她應該是走了 I believe she's gone.
是我搞砸了 就像我搞砸了 I fouled it up, just like I fouled up
這個周末的一切一樣 everything else this weekend.
我明明計劃好的 I had a plan.
有人甚至可能稱之為一個完美無缺的計劃 Some might call it a perfect, flawless plan,
這計劃用了我三年時間外加一萬六千美金 one that took the better part of three years
最后才付諸實踐 and $16,000 to put into action.
但是計劃不如變化快啊 But things don't always go according to plan.
每當如此 我都要解釋一番 And when they don't, I tend to unravel.
我想說的是... I guess what I'm trying to say is...
很抱歉這個周末被我毀了 先生 I'm so sorry this weekend was such a disaster, sir.
漂亮 亨利 Brava, Henry.
漂亮 Brava.
我覺得這個周末根本沒有搞砸 Methinks this weekend was the opposite of a disaster.
我覺得這個周末過得非常成功 Methinks this weekend has been an unbridled success.
我能跟你說實話嗎 小子 And can I tell you something, honestly, son?
我一直都想跳進那個湖里玩玩兒 I have always wanted to splash about in that lake.
山姆 Sam.
亞濟明 這里很安全 Come on, Yazmin. This is a safe space.
亨利 我只是想找個機會看看真實的你 Henry, all I wanted was a chance to see this side of you,
不是事先包裝好的亨利式產品 not the pre-packaged Henry product,
擁有完美配方 一定會成功 perfectly formulated for success,
而是那個美好而有缺點 but the flawed, beautiful,
跳進湖里亂搞一氣的真實的亨利 lake-jumping mess that lives inside of us all.
說實話 我邀請伊莉莎跟你一起來就是因為這個 That's why in invited Eliza, quite frankly.
其實我早就注意到 You know, I, uh, can't help but notice
你身邊有她在的時候你會更加真實 you're a lot more lifelike around her.
-確實是啊 -你看看你自己 - I am, aren't it? - I mean, look at you.
你吃飯遲到了 I mean, you're late for dinner,
襯衫沒有塞好 剃須還割到自己了 your shirt's untucked, you cut yourself shaving.
-這是水蛭咬的 先生 -水蛭咬的 - Oh, that's from the leeches, sir. - From the leeches.
你明白我的意思了吧 You see what I mean?
你這周末經歷的事說不定比你平常一年經歷的都多 You probably had more fun this weekend than you have all year.
她簡直是完美的女伴 She's the perfect plus one.
其實 先生 她不僅是我的女伴 Actually, sir, she's more than a plus one.
她可是貴賓 She's V.I.P.
伊莉莎 Eliza!
手機怎么會沒有信號 How could there be no bars?
又不是生活在八十年代中期 It's like we're in the middle '80s.
好吧 Okay.
雖然我現在還是很生氣 I'm still super mad,
但是剛才你騎馬真的好帥啊 but you just rode the crap out of that horse.
伊莉莎 對不起 Eliza, I'm sorry.
我沒有聽你的話 I wasn't listening to you.
這周末你不是在傷害我 You weren't hurting me this weekend.
你是在幫助我 You were helping me.
我猜猜 Let me guess.
你升職了對嗎 You got the promotion?
是的 I did.
我升職了 I did. I got the promotion.
就像奧普拉說的 太棒了--- As Oprah would say, "Ye-e-e-s."
太棒了--- "Ye-e-e-s."
我的確為此高興 But that exclamation aside,
但是我不想讓你覺得我把工作 I don't want you to think that I value my job
看得比...我們之間的友情更加重要 more than I value... our friendship.
我發誓 你們一樣重要 Because I swear it's a tie.
一樣 A tie?
對 一樣 Yes. A tie.
你大晚上騎駿馬奔馳而來 There is now way that you came galloping out here
還趁著朦朧的月光 不可能 on that majestic horse, bathed in moonlight,
就是來說我們一樣重要的吧 to tell me it's a tie.
這是最普通的一匹馬了 真的 I took the least-majestic horse, I swear.
擱馬廄里 這匹馬就跟頭驢子一樣 In the stable, this thing looked like a donkey.
你仰慕我 You worship me.
-承認吧 -我才不仰慕你 才不是 - Admit it. - I do not worship -- no.
你就承認了吧 你仰慕我 沒事的 Just admit it. You worship me. It's okay.
不 我就是習慣看著你的臉了而已 No, I-I have grown accustomed to your face.
謝謝 Thank you.
那匹馬吃草的聲音真的好大啊 That horse is chewing really loudly.
是啊 Yes, he is.
你手機好像有信號了 Looks like you found your signal.
好像是的 Yeah. I guess I did.
♪ I'll take you down ♪
是查理發來的短信 Ah. Got a text from Charlie.
弗雷迪給我發了裸照 Freddy just sent me nudes.
親愛的 Hey, you.
很浪漫嘛 Oh, very romantic.
你吃醋了嗎 Oh, are you jealous?
-我應該吃醋嗎 -不 - Should I be? - No.
根本沒人點贊 所以我要刪掉了 And it got zero "Likes," so I'm deleting it.
對 盡管刪掉 Good. Yeah.
♪ Is the way to incomplete me ♪
♪ Can you shake this hollow night♪ ♪
♪ Through my breaths, you're the highest high ♪
♪ Or is this the high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
♪ High-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
♪ Just let it go, enjoy the ri-I-I-I-I-de ♪
♪ Without the low, there ♪
♪ ain't a high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
♪ High-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
太爽了 Yes!
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再造淑女
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