This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS
COUGHS DRYLY
Your name? Chi.
Occupation? Pass.
Specialist subject?
Grief.
Grief, in under two seconds, starting now.
Erm... right.
Name the five stages of grief.
Oh, that's easy, you know.
First, you're hungry, then you eat,
then you're hungry again,
and then you take your driving instructor into your house,
and then you just complete a list that your mum and dad gave you.
No. OK.
All wrong.
Well, not being funny, but you've not grieved so...
TIMER BEEPS
Time's up.
A neck tail...
Yeah.
GHOSTLY: Chi...
This isn't how you get a job.
This isn't how you get a job, Chi.
Oh, hey, Mum.
Your dad worked for 30 years before we died.
He never wore a tie.
Us dinner ladies just wear tabards.
Say "dinnerman", for God's sake.
Ooh. Someone's insecure with her masculinity.
Oh, shut up Tony. Well, you are, you've clearly got a problem.
Look, you need to go out there and find work, hmm?
Ask someone for a job.
Well, Karen's got a job. I could ask her for a job?
No... No, don't do that. That's a terrible idea.
Don't do that, no. She's evil. Well, no, that's a great idea.
She'll... she'll love it, cos we get on so well.
No. No. I'd stop.
Wow.
Thanks, guys. That's a great idea.
Chi, just stop. Stop. She... She can't be stopped.
See what you've done?
You're wearing that to irritate me, aren't you? No.
I'm wearing it because it's... You think I fancy you in that?
Did I ever? Well, it's got a quite good...
Yeah. It gives me quite a nice line. Take it off, Terry.
Take it off.
GHOSTLY: Get a job... Get a job....!
Get a job!
Right, well, if this one doesn't do it, I'm just...
I'm going to be one of those people that never wanted to have kids.
Yeah. Understood.
Like I was... I was career focused, you know, like,
working in stocks or finance.
So, maybe... maybe I'll even move to Canary Wharf.
Maybe just thinking, like, too far ahead.
Think of it as one step closer to baby Grid.
Baby Grid?
Wha... That's my last name.
Yeah, I know, and it's just, like, another reason not to have one.
I just...
Don't!
I don't know if this is the... the right time to tell you this.
But, um...
My friend, Russell, he was saying about this new kind of
fertility treatment for, like, mongooses. Right.
Do you want to read up about that?
How's a mongoose going to help me have a baby?
There's, like, a kind of, like, DNA chain where the...
As soon as these kind of molecules hit each other, they kind of
go into, like, a womb, and then... What? What are you doing?
You're going to be late for the clinic. Oh, God, yeah.
Karen.
Karen? Karen.
Karen? Karen!
Ugh...
Mrs J Hunter. That's me.
Right, so, that's twice a day around the rim, not IN the rim.
Around the rim only. It's external.
You're welcome.
Rude.
EXAGGERATED MOANING PLAYS
How are you getting on in there, Dad?
I can't do it, Lucas! Not like this.
I mean, modern pornography is such a kick in the teeth for real women.
Yeah, I suppose it does set unrealistic expectations
about sex for young people.
And my mate reckons they're all actors.
They're not even real storylines.
OK.
OK, listen, I've got an idea.
Right, close your eyes
and imagine a woman.
Right.
Right, so, uh... This woman, she's a...
Well, she's a corker.
Yeah... Yeah? Soaking...
Soaking wet mouth.
Well, listen, she's a trier, she's a doer.
She's a loyal friend with a strong sense of self.
Right, OK.
And you're not sure she's kind, but she's not afraid to assert herself
and take up space in this messed-up world that we call little life.
OK, yeah.
What are her hobbies?
Her hobbies? She enjoys scrapbooking.
Yeah.
She plays hockey sometimes.
Painting? Yeah, no, she... she tried painting, yeah, sure.
She tried painting, yeah, OK.
Portraits of dogs and all that....
That's it! She...
You're done? Yeah.
Oh, brilliant. Ah...
All right, well done. Thanks, son.
Yeah. What's a son for?
Oh, yeah.
Cool!
Oh, hold on.
Oh, God, no, that does not feel right at all.
What do you want?
I'd politely like a job, please.
I need one for my list.
Just for clarity's sake, not only do you get to keep my house,
but you also expect me to employ you?
Hello. Welcome to the hospital.
No.
What's wrong with you?
Well, I've got this awful rash.
OK. Whereabouts? Amazing.
On my face.
Just take this, please. It's free of charge.
Just don't ever talk about this ever again.
Do you know when lunch is?
Yeah, I know when MY lunch is.
But you don't get lunch, because you're terrible.
Ah, finally!
How did it go?
You better have thought of me.
Well, I get the results in a few hours, so...
Right, well, can you hurry up please? Yeah, sure, I can...
..wait quicker. Don't worry about her.
She's just annoyed cos I asked her for a job, like a stupid fat bitch.
Right.
Well, you could come and work with me.
Say more.
Yeah, it would take my mind off of...
..sperm and everything.
Sperm.
Hello? Where are we? So, what's this then?
Where's the egg? Wait a sec, I'm confused.
Excuse me, where are we? Do we know who got the job?
Who do you think? Um...
OK, well, what starts with a D and ends with an E?
Oh. I'm freezing.
Shall I do a headcount? I'm really confused.
Uh, I actually didn't want the job. Shut up.
One, two, three, four...
Quite enjoying retirement, actually.
Who's whistling? Whoever it is, can you stop?
Come on, chop-chop, guys. Time waits for no man.
Right, you ready? No.
It's really easy.
All you do is knock on the door - unless there's a bell...
Sorry, I'm lost. Can you start again?
OK.
So, hand them the package, take a photo,
and leave.
You can do it. Go on.
Good luck, mate. Good luck.
Rather her than me.
Lucas, erm...
That woman that you were describing at the doctor's office?
Yeah?
Now, she's not... well, she's not real, is she?
Look, there's no-one in, so shall I just leave it on the bed?
How's she done that?
Hello!
Is anyone there? Can you let... Oh, you have... OK.
I've got a parcel stuck in your, uh...
Your, erm...
Your flaps.
Not answering.
Oh. Hiya.
Yeah. Thank you.
Erm... Take a picture!
Right.
Right, now do you want to get...?
Come out and get a silly one. Come out? Why do I need to come out?
RATTLING
No, please, don't do... Erm, they're fine.
I'll get it for you. Yeah, quick, come over.
She's not... She's not doing it.
I haven't got my shoes on. Why do I need to come out?
Well, neither have I. I lost one over there, but...
Right, smile. Say, uh, "deliveries".
Deliveries... Deliveries.
Just watch and learn, OK?
What's that mean?
DOOR BANGS
Oh! Sorry. That door always does that for some reason.
I love dropping off here.
I mean, old people get such a buzz off medication.
It's, like, drugs to them, in a way.
Morning, Debs.
Can I get your autograph there?
Yeah.
Always start with it... Always start with a joke.
All right, Debs?
First day on the job, so... Can I give you a hand, Debbie?
No, no, no, you only help me. You don't help Debbie.
How long you been retired, Deb? She's not retired.
Oh, nice. That's the old ones laying around in the back.
What, so they get to do nothing?
ECHOING COUGH
Oh, there she is. All right, Chi?
This is amazing.
What even is this place?
It's where people go to retire.
I think I want to retire. You've only done two hours work.
Two hours too long.
Plus, I think the death of my parents is really kind of catching up on me.
Yeah, my parents died, as well.
Fuck off. No way.
Mine, too. You're joking.
And mine. Yours, as well?
OK, hold on.
By a show of hands, who here's parents are dead?
What...
What? Oh, my God.
You, as well? Oh, yes.
That's a tragedy.
I am so, so sorry.
RINGTONE PLAYS
Sorry I've got to... Sorry.
I'm so sorry for your losses.
Piss off.
I...
OK, yeah, lay it on me, doc. Good news, Mr Grid.
I can confirm that your sperm is incredibly healthy. Oh...
It's actually some of the best I've ever seen, in fact.
Oh, my God... That's amazing. I... Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
A phenomenal sample. Oh...
Any advice on how I tell my partner?
I imagine, she'd be pleased.
Hmm...
Well, look, did any kind of, like, abnormality show up down there?
Abnormal in what sense?
Well, you know, any kind of, like, unusual swellings?
That... that kind of thing?
RINGTONE PLAYS
If you have any concerns regarding your scrotum...
I'd suggest a testicular exam, Mr Grid.
Exam? No, no, no. That's... that's fine, you're all right.
Well, look, I'm going to go and tell Barren... Sorry, Karen.
Thanks for saying all that lovely stuff about...
..my sperm. OK, bye. My pleasure. It was a phenomenal...
Hiya. Hi.
Why do we have them?
THEY LAUGH
But, like, what are the actual benefits?
I mean, I miss her so much when she's at school.
I know I'm his mum, but sometimes I feel like he's my mum.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah!
Oh, God, the little fucks just drive you bonkers, don't they?
Ha-ha...
So, which one's yours?
Erm...
Ah...
Uh, it's just that one.
The ginger one.
She's mine. Uh...
Yeah, I was just sort of... I've got a weird sense of humour.
I was just... I meant that... that one there.
The one... the one skipping.
Uh...
Hey, child! My child.
Come...
Tell them that I'm your mum.
No, tell... Tell them.
Just tell them!
She does that a lot.
You know what it's like with being...
..a mother to a child who is yours.
That you...
..birthed.
Great turnout.
Yeah. It is, isn't it?
I love it here, cos, you know, everything that people usually
get mad at me for... Mm.
You know, like coughing with your mouth open, not moving,
shouting at ghosts - it's all normal here.
Brilliant. I'm so happy for you. Yeah.
Right, talk me through it. It's a bit of a who's who, isn't it?
Right, OK. So, it's a pretty standard set-up.
You've got your jocks, your nerds.
The goths.
Stoner.
And then, finally, the mean girls.
What?
Is she...?
Is she talking to me? What do I do?
Well, you should go over. That's a huge invite.
Really? I mean, look at her. I mean, what would I say to her?
Just be confident, girl.
Room for a taller one?
CHAIR LEGS SCRAPE
Look at us.
Just couple of bitches sitting back.
What's he on about? I don't know who he is.
I don't know...
Ugh. Really?
Sorry I declined your call.
My, erm... my phone overwhelmed me, so...
Well, just crack on. What did the doctor say?
Well, he... he basically said... Oh, God.
It's rotten, isn't it? You're firing blanks.
I'm going to have to get pregnant from a toilet seat, like it's 2003.
Well, actually, the doctor said that my sample was...
..was, erm, average. It was just, like, perfectly average, so...
Well, why the fuck am I not growing a mini Karen, then?
I don't know. Something to do with... Oh, what?
You!
Whilst I'm here, erm...
When I gave my sample, I did find something quite concerning,
and I wanted to talk to you, so...
Karen?
Nothing.
Maybe we can, erm, chat later if you've...
..five minutes or..
Or something?
ECHOING: Excuse me?
Oh, fuck's sake!
You... you scared the life out of me.
I lost my mummy.
Oh...
Erm...
KAREN LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
What are they like, eh?
Erm...
Well, well... Come on, then, mate.
Let's... Let's find your mum, then, yeah?
Yeah? Come on.
I think she went that way. Yeah, yeah, come on.
Come on!
That's it. Good boy.
I, uh... I think I know somewhere we can...
we can make a plan on how to find her.
LOW CHATTER
Hi, everyone.
What? What was that?
Thank you so all... so much for coming.
Go on, Chi!
Uh, retirement just creeps up on you, doesn't it?
Who? What? Speak up.
One delivery turns into two deliveries...
And before you know it, you've spent two hours of your life,
you know, doing...
..having great memories that you'll take with you to the grave.
Sorry for saying "grave".
So, uh...
Yeah, thanks for that.
Sometimes I wonder who these people are that keep coming in.
Who? All of them?
Well, that's Chi, as in, like, the seed. What's Chi?
Like a seed. Do you know the seed?
Girls, you've got to get with it.
Chia seeds. Really?
Come on, Roy. You should be doing my ears.
They're buggered up with wax cos you haven't done them for so long.
Who you talking to?
Roy, my Roy. Yeah, yeah...
Oh, no, I'm not...
You're a bit silly sometimes. I know you.
So, I... I am Roy?
Well, if you're not Roy, I don't know who you think you are!
That's true.
Hello?
Chi, you home?
Right, brilliant. Come on in.
Come on. Come in.
Come on in, please.
Right.
No, no, don't touch that, darling.
You'll probably end up needing antibiotics. OK?
So, are we going to find Mummy now?
Yeah, yeah, we're going to find Mummy.
But we can't go Mummy hunting on an empty stomach, can we?
I don't understand why people aren't getting retired all the time.
You know? Hmm.
If I'd known about it at school,
I wouldn't have even bothered failing all those GCSEs.
Yeah, nor me. Yeah.
Food.
You hungry? Yeah, hungry.
You're probably starving, aren't you?
Just give me a minute, OK? Erm...
I mean, what sort of thing do you normally eat?
Do you eat solid food?
Or what sort of flavour...?
Oh, God!
It's just all cereal bars and cat food!
She doesn't even have a cat!
Who?
I don't even have a cat, is what I meant to say.
That'll do. Won't it?
I mean, sort of, erm, fibre for you.
Sorry it's, uh... it's not hot.
There's a tie knotted round the microwave, for some reason.
Are you going to lick that lid?
No.
Oh, thanks, Anne.
Do you remember our wedding day, Roy?
All those prawns.
Oh, yeah.
And you looked so handsome in your uniform. Yeah.
Changed a bit, haven't I?
No, you haven't changed at all.
How's retirement? Oh, I'm in heaven.
Have you met Linda? No. I'm the love of her life.
Who's this, Roy?
Yeah, she also thinks I'm a man called Roy. Oh, right.
Linda, this is my step-cousin, Lucas.
All right, Lind?
Yeah, Chi, I knew you were into MILFs and all that,
but I always thought it was more of a Tamzin Outhwaite vibe?
Well, Christmas in my day was a handful of walnuts and a tangerine.
If I'd have asked for an iPad, I'd have been burnt at the stake.
Yeah. Yeah, she keeps saying that. Don't you?
Makes you think. It does.
I think we might play chess later, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I love cress.
It's full of potassium.
Yeah, fair enough. she's an absolute sort.
But, listen, don't give everything away on the first date.
Those mean girls?
They talk.
I'm not worried about that.
Now that I'm here, I'm going to stay here for ever and ever.
Hopefully, longer.
Hey, Linda, can I have another hug? I can't explain it, but the last one
just kind of felt like Christmas
Who are you?
What do you mean?
You're not Roy.
Oh, God, what have I done?
I'm going to go straight to prison. Straight to prison.
I'm not even going to get a trial.
They're just going to send me straight to prison.
I'm going to be a subject matter on Loose Women.
They're all going to be, "Oh, isn't she evil?"
"Oh, isn't she heartless?"
"How could she do that, just snatch a child off the street?"
Come on, Karen, think. Think, think.
How does this end?
DOORBELL RINGS
Who's that? Sh!
Shush!
You're going to be more quiet than you've ever been in your tiny life.
Why?
Because I said so!
No, I am Roy. I swear.
Please. I'm as Roy as they come.
Roy died.
Oh, what, at war?
What war? No, I got out.
What war are you talking about?
What?
Erm... You know the war. Go on, the big one.
The war of the, erm...
The war with the... The...
The three wise men. Yeah. Oh, that one.
With baby Jesus, yeah. Yeah.
You know, suddenly I was just surrounded by all these enemies.
And all those little animals in the stable.
Bollocks.
How many wars have you been in?
Why does this lesbian keep talking to me?
And then, without warning they attack.
Physically, verbally... Mentally.
One of them just starts gaslighting me.
She's not your husband.
Don't listen to her. It's me.
OK? Remember, your ears?
What ears?
I'm calling the carers.
Oh! Oh.
Seriously?
I'm calling the carers. Seriously?
No! Yes.
I can't leave this place.
I love being elderly more than I love anything ever in life.
Yes.
Come on, babe, let's go to my room. Come on, up you get.
Have we taped Parkinson, Roy? Yes, but you've got Parkinson's.
No. Parkinson.
Yes, you've got Parkinson's.
No, have we taped Parkinson?
Yes, we're fine, OK.
Is giving toxic?
I'm calling the carers.
What, what...
What do I have to do to make you not call the carers?
Please.
Please, please.
Please.
Oh... Please.
Oh, my... Please!
KNOCK AT DOOR
What took you so long?
Ugh.
Babe.
I'm sorry, Barren.
Sorry. I mean, Barren...
I said it twice.
Karen.
You do know that this isn't your house, still, yeah?
I mean, Chi still lives here.
I'm not a bad person.
OK? Oh... OK.
I've put everybody else first, yeah?
I hide my light under a great big fucking bushel!
And now look at me!
Look at me!
What if, hypothetically...
..I had a friend, yeah?
And this friend was the most lovely,
kind, well-meaning woman...
Yeah, please don't start describing women. Yeah?
And-and she had nothing but the best of intentions.
And through absolutely no fault of her own,
she ended up kidnapping a child?
Ready or not!
Oh, my God.
Who are you?
Did Chi kidnap a kid?
Do you think other people would believe that?
If that's what I told them happened?
Right, I think the coast is clear for now.
Yeah, well, you know, if you see anyone,
remember, you didn't see anything.
Nothing? Nothing. Not even...
Really? Cos she saw something.
She's gone to tell the carers. What do I say to them?
Don't worry about her. She was tiny. All right.
Can I get you anything in the meantime? Uh...
A night worth of yoghurt lids?
Just lids? What about the yog...
Earl Grey, Roy. Your favourite.
Oh, thanks, Linda.
Feet down, Roy! Yeah...
We're not Mediterraneans.
Ugh.
Like perfume, yeah.
Oh, God, I love love.
Karen and Dave always made it look so hard.
Always banging on about sperm.
Sperm this, sperm that.
Don't say "sperm", dear.
People will think you're a Mary.
Yeah.
Oh, I feel so happy.
Thank you, Roy.
Oh. You're welcome, Linda.
ALARM WAILS
Morning already?
Why's the room screaming?
Why's it not working? What's happening here?!
And who are you?
There you are... Roy.
Is that Mummy? No.
Well, is that Mummy?
No.
Alfie, are any of these people here Mummy?
No! Why not?!
Oh, my God. Is that your mum? You shouldn't have kidnapped me
in the first place! No, none of the men are his mum, OK?
Oh, I really lost my head today, Dave.
At one point, I even considered breast feeding him.
Eurgh.
Well, I didn't actually do it.
PHONE RINGS
Yes?
Yeah, this is she.
What?!
Please just sit down.
Just wait there, please. Don't do anything else.
I just don't know what she thought was going to happen.
No. She convinced us you were her husband.
It's literally crazy. Yeah.
What the hell have you been doing to all these old people?
They said you were in bed with one of them?
Karen, she just got dumped. Have a little bit of respect.
Look, I just can't... Just get up.
We need to get out of here, before somebody arrests Chi.
No! No, no! I want to retire.
Get up!
Get up! Don't... No, don't pander to her!
I'll find my way back! She can walk!
Are you going to be OK? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just used to loss now, so it doesn't make much difference.
Plus, I hate the name Roy.
So, you know, it's just swings and roundabouts.
Another day, another slay.
Karen, can we go to McDonalds?
No. Why not? Please, please! Come on.
THEY CHANT: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
All right, fine, fine!
But no-one is getting a Happy Meal,
cos it creeps me out watching you play with the toys.
Yeah.
I meant to get Alfie a Happy Meal, but then you called...
Fuck!
Alfie!
He'll be all right. Yeah, he'll be fine. Let's just go.
He'll be fine.
Quickly, Dave, though, please.
Roy?
# Keep on runnin'
# Keep on hidin'
# One fine day I'm gonna be the one to make you understand
# Oh, yeah I'm gonna be your man
# Hey! Come on!
# Make me feel so good
# Ah!
# I wanna be your man
# All right... #