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你知道吗 他们说住在玻璃房里的人 You know, they say people in glass houses
意思是 正人先正己
不应该向别人扔石头 但我觉得不管住在 shouldn't throw stones, but I think people in any type
什么样的房子里都不应该向别人扔石头 of house shouldn't throw a stone.
我是说 我不是担心 I mean, I'm not even worrying
什么玻璃窗或者是其他的东西 about like the glass windows or anything.
人们 为什么要向其他人扔石头呢 People, why are you throwing stones at people?
你从哪弄来的这些石头呢 Where are you even getting these stones?
难道我是个怪人吗 Am I the weird one?
在我的世界里就没有石头 I don't have stones in my place.
这很奇怪吗 Is that weird?
福特嘉年华 Ford Fiesta.
为什么他们要取这个名字 Why do they call it that?
我感觉当你坐在里面的时候 I feel like it's never really a fiesta
它根本就不像什么嘉年华 不是吗 when you get inside, right?
它就仅仅是辆车 It's just like it's a car.
有一天我去摘苹果 I went apple-picking the other day.
我真希望你们当时在场 Oh, I wish you guys were there.
我去摘苹果 摘到了台iPad I went apple-picking, I got myself an iPad.
还有台iPhone And an iPhone.
6C 6C.
寻欢洞这个词 光荣用在这里 The term glory hole, it's kind of a weird use
一种特殊的性行为 直译为光荣之洞
太奇怪了 你不觉得吗 of the word glory, don't you think?
我是说 这不是 I mean, it's not--
上得还舒服吗 How you doing?
我是斯科特 听到哔声后请留言 Hey, this is Scott, leave a message after the beep.
宝贝 Hey, sweetie.
很遗憾你在洛杉矶不顺利 I'm sorry LA didn't work out.
我知道你有多想成为一个相声演员 I know how much you wanted to be a comedian.
但这样说不定是最好的了 But maybe it's for the best.
你老爸和我都等不及要你回家了 Your father and I can't wait to have you home.
我们都不满意
开车注意安全 爱你哟 Drive safe, love you.
♪ Try to make it by ♪
♪ And try to keep it all inside because it's ♪
♪ Always do or die ♪
♪ It's always do or die ♪
♪ It's funny how you try ♪
♪ The joke is never on your side because it's ♪
♪ It's always do or die ♪
谁啊 Who's that?
-斯科特 -还好吗 老爸 - Hey, Scotty, hey. - What's up, Pop?
你知道熊可以闻到五公里外食物的味道吗 Did you know bears can smell food from three miles away?
不知道 Didn't know that.
-是 我也不知道 -真厉害 - Yeah, me neither. - It's crazy.
是啊 Yeah.
这地方不错 Place looks nice.
我们去年买了个新沙发 Well, we got a new couch last year.
这个吗 This one?
挺不错的 That's great.
是不错 It's great.
你知道老妈在哪吗 You know where Mom is?
她在店里 She's at the store.
她马上就回来了 Yeah, she'll be back in a little while.
让年幼的熊去冒险 Leaving the juveniles to attempt the risky,
如果奏效的话 就会夺到食物 if effective, dash and grab.
好吧 很高兴见到你 All right, good to see you.
棕熊确实 And brown bears do go
-会将冬眠选在 -我也很高兴见到你 - into a deep sleep during - Good to see you too.
也叫做冬蛰 Known as torpor.
冬眠是在 Hibernation is when...
你好呀 妹妹 Hello, Sister.
你好呀 Hello.
看看这是谁呀 Look who it is.
喜剧世界上升得最慢的一颗明星 Comedy world's slowest-rising star.
马上就升起来了 Right off the bat.
好吧 因为我看到你都30岁了 Wow, okay, because I see you're still living
还在和我们的爸妈一起住所以 with our parents at 30 so...
我很确定你年纪比我大 Pretty sure you're older than me
并且刚刚搬回家和父母一起住 所以 and just moved back in with our parents, so...
我还存钱了呢 I'm also saving up.
我现在管着一家商场里的椒盐卷饼店 I'm managing the pretzel shop at the mall now.
你在炫耀自己 Did you just try bragging
在一家商场里的椒盐卷饼店工作吗 about working at a pretzel shop in a mall?
我只是在说我们中有一个人有工作 I'm just saying one of us has a job
而那个人不是你 and it's not you.
或者说 天哪 Or, oh god.
别告诉我老爸要雇你回来上班 Don't tell me Dad's gonna hire you back.
不 我不会再为他工作了 No, I am not gonna work for him ever again.
你现在是这样说 但是我记得你之前说过 You say that now, but I'm pretty sure you once said
你绝对不会再回到这了 所以 you were never coming back here, so...
我没有回到这 I'm not back here.
我是说 我显然是在这 但是我没回到这 I mean, I'm obviously back here, but I'm not back here.
-我没有回来 -你中风了吗 - I'm not back… - You having a stroke?
我更想问 你还在和那个男的约会吗 Better question is are you still dating that guy
就是那个车牌很浮夸的家伙 with the vanity license plate?
想起来了 上面写的是禁欲吗 Oh, remember, it said mortify?
好吧 我现在在和一个警察约会 Okay, well I'm dating a cop now.
我一点也不相信 I don't believe that for a second.
你在和一个警察约会 You are dating a cop?
一个保安啦 A security guard.
这才对嘛 There it is.
他叫鲁伊斯 而且他人很棒 His name is Ruis and he's awesome.
和你约会的人不可能很棒 Nobody dating you could ever be awesome.
34岁还和父母一起住的人 And no one who lives with their parents
一点也不酷 屌丝 at 34 is even remotely cool, dip-shit.
见到你真好 It's good to see you.
我也觉得见到你真好 It's good to see you too.
我今晚要去鲸尾酒吧喝一杯 I'm gonna drink tonight at the Whale's Tail.
-要一起吗 -不去 - You want in? - Nope.
要和我男朋友出去玩 Hanging out with my boyfriend.
我真他妈讨厌他 I fucking hate him.
难以置信 Ugh, unbelievable.
所以前四年 你是讨厌这东西的 So for four years, you hated it?
不 其实最开始那一年我还挺喜欢的 No, I actually loved it for the first year or so.
我是说 我开始有起色了 I mean, I was getting up a bunch.
我写段子 慢慢开始火了 I was writing, things were clicking.
接着 不知道怎么的 事情变得越来越难 And then, I don't know, man, things got harder and harder
我也变得越来越穷 and I got poorer and poorer.
你也破产了吗 You're broke too?
没有没有 我只是觉得搬回来 No no no no, I just thought it'd be really fun
和加里和珍妮一起住会很有意思 to move back in with Gary and Jeanine.
别跟我来这套 Hey, don't get sassy with me.
我的意思是 我经常逛你的网站 I'm just saying, I was on your website.
我看到你有大大小小的演出 I saw all types of dates and times.
你行程都满了 你演出可多了 You was booked, you was doing shows.
其实几乎所有演出都是开放麦 Yeah, those weren't so much dates as they were open mics.
你又开始接开放麦演出了吗 You were back doing open mics?
说真的 你真应该多打给我 Seriously, you shoulda called more.
我知道 我应该打给你的 I know, I should've called.
我有三个孩子 I got three kids.
你难道不觉得我想让他们认识你吗 You don't think I want them to know who you are?
我知道 我知道 I know, I know, I know.
我保证以后我会多给你打电话 I promise you I will call more.
我会多找你的 好吧 I'll be around more, okay?
我知道你在后面有台机器 I know you have the machine back there.
赶紧的 拿出来 我要唱歌了 Come on, bring it out because I got to sing.
你知道我就是得唱歌 You know I got to sing.
-不行 今晚不是卡拉OK之夜 -但可以是 - No, it's not karaoke night. - But it could be.
如果我请你喝一杯 你能闭嘴吗 If I give you a free shot, will you shut up?
当然可以 Yes.
看看 这些 我想念这些东西 See, this, this, I miss this, right?
这才是家的感觉 This feels like home.
喝酒 Drinking.
还有人陪着 Not by myself.
你在那边没有朋友吗 You didn't have any friends out there?
没 没有 No, not really.
谁三十多岁了还去交新朋友 I mean, who makes new friends in their 30s?
每个人都会 Everyone.
好吧 Okay.
我在Ins上面关注你了 I follow you on Instagram.
你刚发了一张你和艾莉莎·米兰诺的照片 You just posted a picture with Alyssa Milano.
美国女演员
-没错 -这怎么说 - Yeah. - How was that?
我们没在一起玩 We weren't hanging out
我只是在好市多上见到她了 as much as I saw her in a Costco.
我拍了张照片 就往另一个方向走了 I took a picture and then I ran the other direction.
你一直都是个骗子吗 Were you always a liar?
现在看着我的眼睛 Look at me in my goddamn eyes right now.
高二的时候 莱斯利·安布罗斯 10th grade, Leslie Ambrose.
她真的帮你撸了吗 Did she really give you a hand-job?
莱斯利·安布罗斯确确实实帮我撸了一管 Leslie Ambrose did absolutely give me a hand-job.
那大概是我人生的巅峰了 That was probably my peak.
你的巅峰不该只是一次撸管 Your peak should not be a hand-job.
我知道 I know.
我知道 我知道 I know, I know, I know.
好了 不说这个了 小贝最近怎样了 So, now that we got that out of the way, how is Becks?
不 我喜欢你试图 不 No, I like how you tried to, uh, no.
我们才不要聊小贝 We're not gonna talk about Becks.
别嘛 Come on
不 才不要 No, we're not doing it.
我要提个要求 I'm gonna go ahead and put a request in
你不许再说她的名字 that you don't even bring her name up anymore.
拒绝 让我们聊回到她身上 Request denied, let's get right back into it.
你和劳伦真的有和她一起玩吗 Do you and Lauren actually hang out with her?
像双重约会那样吗 Is it like a double-date situation
到底是怎么一回事 or what is the whole deal?
兄弟 我有三个孩子 Dude, I told you I got three kids.
除了那些小屁孩 I don't hang out with anybody a bunch
我不和任何人出去玩 except for they little asses.
事实上 我喝完这杯以后 Matter of fact, when I get done with this here beer,
我就要回家了 I'm going home.
不行 我们玩得正起兴呢 No, we're hanging out.
你可不能就这样走了 You can't just go home.
兄弟 已经快晚上9点了 Dude, it's almost nine o'clock at night.
我凌晨5点就要出门 I start my route at 5:00 a.M.
我的天 真让人扫兴 Oh my god, that is so depressing.
是 是扫兴 但这就是成年人的世界 It is, it's depressing, but it's adulting too.
这就叫男人 It's called being a man.
小贝到底怎么样了 Ohf, how is Becks though?
她还好吗 Is she cool?
你还和她一起玩吗 Do you hang out with her?
-好吧 -太好了 - Fine. - Yes.
快告诉我 说吧 Give it to me, go.
我时不时和他们一起玩 I hang out with them time and time again.
我在和他们见面 I see them.
所以我需要知道 这会是个问题吗 That's why I need to know, is that gonna be a problem?
什么 What?
因为这是我第一次邀请你去我家 'Cause the first time I invite you over to the house
参加我一个孩子的生日派对 for one of the boys' birthday parties,
我不想出现奇怪的紧张氛围 I don't need there to be any weird tension.
我知道 我知道欧文 And I know, I know that Owen
看到你会很不舒服 is gonna feel uncomfortable around you.
欧文看到我不会不舒服 Owen's not gonna be comfortable with me being there?
你是不是 Are you...
欧文应该爱死我了 Like, Owen should fucking love me.
如果我没有像个混蛋一样离开这里 If I didn't skip town like an asshole,
他根本没有机会娶到小贝 he never would've gotten married to Becks.
看 像个混蛋一样离开这里这句话 See, now that skip town like an asshole comment
是我最担心的 is what concerns me.
-欧文会感到不舒服 -对的 - Owen would be uncomfortable? - Yes.
兄弟 不是我想当个混蛋 Dude, I'm not trying to be a dick.
你离开了她 You left her.
你离开了这里 You left here.
是 Right.
对不起 Oh, I'm sorry.
这真是 It's, it's...
我有尿到你身上吗 Did I get pee on you?
-什么 -不是 - What? - No.
我是说 你是尿到你自己身上了吗 I mean, did you get your own pee on you?
我没尿到自己 No, I'm fine,
-别再盯着我的小鸡鸡看了 -那就好 - please stop looking at my penis. - Good.
好吧 Yeah, all right.
来吧 小弟 Come on, buddy.
你是在往洗手池里尿吗 Are you pissing in the sink?
并不是 No.
你要我帮你叫辆车吗 Do you want me to call you a cab?
你说啥 What?
听着 你需不需要我帮你叫辆出租车 Listen, do you want me to call you a taxi?
抱歉 我不需要打出租 因为我有来福车 Sorry, I don't need a taxi 'cause I have the Lyft.
一款打车软件
你下了来福车吗 You have Lyft?
来福车简直不可思议 Lyft is unbelievable
因为叫车的时候都不需要知道自己在那儿 'cause you don't have to know where you are.
只要点击它 You know, you just hit the thing
就有个外国人立马赶过来带你回家 and a guy from another country comes and takes you right home
像变戏法一样 it's like magic.
那你知道自己在哪儿吧 But you do know where you are?
什么时候 When?
此时此刻 Right now.
现在吗 Now?
你知道自己现在在哪儿吗 Do you know where you are right now?
-知道啊 -行啊 那告诉我 - Yes. - Okay, tell me.
-你在哪儿 -这里 - Where are you? - Here.
-我的老天爷啊 -这可不太好 - Oh my goodness. - Whoa, hey, that's no good.
你在干嘛 What are you doing?
是我唐突了 What, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
-听着 我知道这是什么 -是吗 - Look, I know what this is. - Okay.
我认识个人 他能帮你 I got a guy, he'll help you.
他在核桃街和月桂街的转角处 He's on the corner of Walnut and Laurel--
警告你最后一次 Hey, hey, hey, for the last time,
别去骚扰客人 don't bother the customers.
很抱歉他骚扰你了 I'm sorry about him.
没事没事 没关系 You're good, you're good, it's fine.
我们就是聊聊皮肤状况 尿个尿 We're just two guys talking skin conditions, taking pisses.
是呀 我没有骚扰任何人 Yeah, I'm not bothering anybody.
你还觉得自己很可爱吗 Oh, you think you're cute, huh?
才不是 我不觉得自己可爱 好吗 No, I don't think I'm cute, okay?
我知道我可讨人喜欢了 I know I'm adorable.
是吗 Yeah?
-这小伙可喜欢我了 -是吗 - This guy loves me. - Really?
他往洗手池里撒尿 He pissed in the sink.
-我没往洗手池里撒尿 -亲眼所见 - I didn't piss in the sink. - I saw him.
他刚刚才这么做了 他还踮起脚了 He literally just did it. He went on his tippy toes.
我看到你了 I saw you.
什么 What?
威廉·墨菲
贝琪·布鲁克斯
早啊 斯科特 Hey, Scotty.
昨晚睡得怎么样 How'd you sleep?
你还需要什么吗 要不要再拿些枕头 You need anything in here, more pillows?
不需要了老妈 我很好 No, I'm fine, Mom.
真心的 你没必要把这些都留着 And honestly, you didn't have to keep all this stuff.
留着什么东西 Oh, what stuff?
你说哪些 What stuff?
你看呀 这是我收藏的录像带 Look at this, my VHS collection.
亲爱的 你真得找人看看这些疹子了 Honey, you really need to have someone take a look at those.
我会的 一定会的 I will, I will, I will, I will.
是不是该把这间房改成 Should just change this room into,
比如老爸的办公室或者其他什么 like, Dad's office or something.
可他已经有间办公室了 Well, he already has an office.
-说到这个 -请别说了 - Speaking of which -Don't, please don't, okay?
梅格已经问过我了 Meg already asked me about it.
我不会回木料场工作的 好吗 I'm not gonna work back at the lumberyard, all right?
很好 因为你爸跟我聊过 Okay, good, because your father and I talked about it
他也觉得这不是个好主意 and he doesn't think it's a good idea.
真的吗 Seriously?
亲爱的 你知道你当初离开他是什么感受 Honey, you know how he felt about you leaving.
他一直觉得你总有一天会接管这个地方的 He always figured you'd run the place one day.
他觉得我会接管 He figured I would run the place.
这才是重点 他 That's the word we should be looking at, he.
你知道昨天我回来的时候 You know when I came home yesterday,
他就跟我握了握手 都没站起来 he just shook my hand? He didn't even get up out of his chair.
他就和我握了握手 He just gave me a handshake.
你也知道他是怎样的人 You know how he is.
给他点时间吧 Just give him some time.
我挺喜欢房间现在这样 And I like your room the way it is.
就想着万一你需要 房间和东西都在 Figured if you'd need it, it's here.
对我的职业选择还真没什么信心啊 老妈 Wow, not a lot of faith in my career decision huh, Ma?
告诉你一声 今天早上 Oh, just so you know, this morning,
我把邮递员的申请表打出来啦 I printed out that mailman application.
你为什么有那么大的执念啊 Why are you so psyched about that?
老妈 我不想做邮递员 Mom, I don't wanna be a mailman.
别颠了 Oh, don't do it.
椅子挺有趣的 是吧 It's a fun chair, isn't it?
你是在耍我吧 You gotta be fucking kidding me.
你说什么 I'm sorry.
你跟我说你认识个人 When you said you knew a guy,
我完全不知道那个人就是你 I had no idea that you were going to be that guy.
那天晚上在厕所 Bathroom the other night?
在酒吧 Oh, at the bar.
在酒吧厕所里 At the bar in the bathroom.
对 听着 今天这里都忙疯了 Oh yeah, listen, it's been a very crazy day here today.
就是这样 So, yeah, oh yeah.
-很高兴再见到你 -我也是 - Good to see you again. - Good to see you too.
好了 你出了什么状况 All right, so what do we got going on?
是这样 我不知道怎么就这样了 Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I don't know what they're from,
可能就是对什么过敏吧 maybe an allergic reaction to something.
可能是新的洗衣粉 但就是消不下去 Maybe a new detergent, but I can't get 'em away.
你有涂什么药吗 Have you been putting anything on it?
-有 -我来猜猜 - Yeah. - Let me guess.
皮质醇 Hydrocortisone.
但是没用 And it did... Nothing.
是的 Yeah.
你最近有性生活吗 Are you currently sexually active?
-什么 -性生活 - What? - Sexually active.
你觉得我手臂上是性病引起的 You think there's an STD on my arm?
你懂的 Well, you know.
我没有用手臂插哪个陌生人 No, I haven't been going around fisting strangers.
我不会随便找个人 然后把整个手臂 I don't just find somebody and stick my entire...
你这么说就是整个手臂都插进去了 That would be my entire fucking forearm in there.
-了解 -抱歉 就是这样 - Okay. - Sorry. Yeah.
-很好 -好的 - That's good to know. - Okay.
好的 只不过是例行询问 Yeah, yeah. It's just a question I have to ask, that's all.
明白 Yeah.
我有一段时间没性生活了 No, I haven't had sex in a while.
大概有几 I haven't had sex in like a couple--
好了好了 Okay, okay.
-明白了 -行 - Duly noted. -Okay.
让我看一下 好吗 I'm gonna take a look, all right?
接吻算吗 Does kissing count?
如果我 接吻算吗 If I, does kissing count?
那得看吻的是哪儿 It depends on where you kiss, I guess.
让我看看 Let me see.
你应该要有点性生活的 Maybe you should be sexually active.
那些是顽固的压力性荨麻疹 Those are good old-fashioned stress hives.
压力也能导致荨麻疹 You can get hives from stress?
你会讶异于压力所能导致的皮肤问题 Oh, you'd be shocked at what stress can do to the skin.
它会侵害你的表皮系统 It can play havoc with your integumentary system.
-这么专业的词 -所以我能当上医生啊 - That's a big word. - That's why I have the chair.
表皮是一个很拉风的词 No, integumentary is a fantastic word,
但其实就是皮肤的意思 but just basically means skin.
我女儿前些年经历了一场痛苦的离婚 My daughter went through a bad divorce a couple years ago
她当时也得了这种压力荨麻疹 and she had the exact same reaction, the stress hive.
你看到这里的之字形纹路了吗 You see the zigzag pattern there?
-看到了 -一模一样 - Yeah yeah yeah yeah. - Yeah, exact same.
压力性荨麻疹 Stress hives.
当然 你也可能死于三四十种疾病 Yeah, or you could be dying of 30, 40 diseases.
-谁知道呢 -太谢谢你了 - Who knows? - Oh, thank you for that.
真帮我减压啊 Really helps my stress levels.
-所以你的确是有压力 -我的天啊 - Oh, so you are under stress. - Oh my god.
压力太大了 的确如此 Profoundly so, yeah.
-为什么 -有必要吗 - Why? - Really?
发生了什么 What's going on?
你没时间听我讲的 You don't have the time.
我有的是时间 Oh, but I do have the time.
相信我 我今天时间充裕得很 Believe me, I got plenty of time today.
我刚看了看登记表 I just checked my sign-in sheet
下个病人蛋蛋上的疹子发得很厉害 and the next patient coming in has a terrible rash on his scrotum
我得帮他在那块上药 that I have to apply a topical suave to.
他还长得像人形屹耳 Plus, he looks like the human version of Eeyore.
整个过程简直就是人间噩梦 The whole thing is a total nightmare.
所以相信我 我有的是时间 So believe me, I have nothing but time.
你应该不能告诉我这些吧 Are you even allowed to tell me any of that?
你到底是不是真的皮肤科医生 Are you even a dermatologist?
我在墙上可没看到任何的学位证 I don't see a degree anywhere on any wall.
我毕业于凤凰城大学 I graduated from the University of Phoenix.
我上了两门网上课程 I took two online classes.
-两门 你上的两门都是网上课程 -对啊 - Both of 'em, you took both online classes? - Yeah.
我没法儿确定你是不是认真的 The fact that I can't tell if you're kidding or not
所以我不是很相信你的整个诊断 does not make me very confident in your whole diagnosis.
别这样 听着 No, no no no, now, listen.
我会开一支局部类固醇药膏给你 I'm gonna prescribe a topical steroid for you.
我其实全都要自费 I actually am on the whole self-pay thing.
这疹子有没有可能自己消下去 So is there any shot this will just disappear by itself?
因为我的保险覆盖不广 其实是不存在 Because my insurance is not really robust or existing.
那这样吧 Yeah, okay.
就像法国人常说的 有爱的告别礼物 As the French say, lovely parting gift.
每日早晚各一次 Twice a day, morning and evening.
两次之间保持干燥 明白吗 Keep it dry in between, okay?
如果又长出来了 打给我 And if they come back, I want you to call me.
好的 Yeah.
试着放轻松 And try to relax.
因为只要你开始觉得喘不过气 Because once when you start feeling overwhelmed--
就是这个词 That's what it is.
这就是我的感受 That's exactly what I've been feeling.
我感觉太喘不过气来了 I just feel so overwhelmed.
我们不都是这样吗 忙来忙去先生 Aren't we all, Mr. Rollins, aren't we all?
太感谢你了 Hey, man, I appreciate it.
-也对 我不应该碰你 -是的 - Yep, I shouldn't touch you. - No.
好的 Okay.
岛屿皮肤科
谢谢 Thank you.
-赫尔曼先生 你还好吗 -医生你好 - Mr. Herman, how are you? - Hey, doc.
进来吧 见到你真高兴 Go on back, good to see you, pal.
好了 Okay.
一个坏球 Ball one.
一个出界 二号和八号 One away, second and eight.
红袜队两分 大都会队零分 Red Sox, two, Mets, nothing.
下一位击球手 雷·奈特 On deck, Ray Knight.
上帝啊 我简直不敢相信 God, I can't believe this.
你可消停会吧 Give me a break.
我好紧张 I'm so nervous.
我只是从没和 It's just that I've never been around a...
我是说 我从没养过宠物之类的东西 I mean, I've never even had a pet sort of thing, you know,
总觉得宠物是个麻烦 always seemed like such a hassle.
你懂的 要喂他们 You know, feeding 'em.
斯科特 吃晚饭了 Scotty. Dinner.
来了 All right.
小心点 Try to be careful.
你好 我是亚当 我现在无法接听电话 Hi, this is Adam, I can't make it to the phone.
有事请留言 Please leave a message.
亚当 是我 Hey, Adam, it's me.
我正在家里坐着 你猜猜电视上在放什么 Yeah, I'm sitting at home tonight and guess what' on the TV,
在放1986年世界职业棒球大赛 the 1986 World Series, right?
大都会队对战红袜队 还记得吗 Mets versus the Red Sox, remember?
以前每场比赛我们都一起看 We watched like every game together.
你当时只有五岁 You were like five
你很喜欢那个投手 罗恩·达林 and you loved that pitcher, Ron Darling.
我还会做我拿手的蓝莓薄饼 Oh, and I made my famous blueberry pancakes.
没错 Yeah.
还记得我们去野营的时候吗 Remember how when we went camping,
我总是做蓝莓薄饼 I always used to make the blueberry pancakes
不知怎么回事 好像每次去都会下雨 that somehow would always seem like it was raining?
你还记得吗 Remember that?
天呐 Oh god.
你和你妹妹都特别爱吃我做的薄饼 You and your sister just loved those pancakes.
-总之 -留言已超时 - Anyway... - Message length exceeded.
你好 我是亚当 我现在无法接听电话 Hi, this is Adam, I can't make it to the phone.
有事请留言 Please leave a message.
我知道你不会给我回电话 I know you're not gonna call me back.
但我还是要说 But I have to say it.
给我回个电话吧 Please, call me back.
我每次给你妹妹打电话的时候她都会接 I mean, your sister gets on the phone when I call
有的时候她还会跟我开开玩笑 and, you know, sometimes she'll humor me
我们每次都能聊差不多十分钟 and we'll stay on for like 10 minutes or so,
你能想象吗 you know, if you can imagine that.
其实这就是我唯一想要的 That's really all I'm looking for.
能跟你们聊上几分钟 You know, just a couple of minutes.
但如果你想跟我玩电话版老鹰捉小鸡 But if you wanna keep playing this game of phone chicken,
我也可以陪你玩 then I'm in.
我给你打电话 你不接 I'll call you, you'll ignore me.
我继续给你打电话 你继续不接 I'll call you, you'll ignore me.
让我们看看谁会先认输 And then we'll see which one of us gives in first.
-总之 -留言已超时 - So anyway... - Message length exceeded.
这样很好 This is nice.
这难道不好吗 Isn't this nice?
你是说你院子里该死的鸟吗 珍妮 Damn good yard bird, Jeanine.
不 我是说全家人都在这 No, I mean the whole family's here.
我的两只小鸟都归巢了 Both my little birdies in the nest.
你知道吗 我在某个地方读到说 Do you know, I read somewhere that
鸟一直呆在鸟巢里 说明它有精神问题 if a bird stays in the nest, it means it has mental problems.
这是一种用来判断鸟能否健康存活的方法 That's how you can tell if a bird isn't gonna make it.
挺有意思的 Well, that's interesting.
我也觉得 妈妈 I thought so too, Mom.
-你知道我读到过什么吗 -你还会读书吗 - You know what I read? - You can read?
我的天呐 这笑话真好笑 Oh my god, that's such a funny joke.
你应该把刚才那句笑话再讲一遍 You should tell it again for your number one fan
讲给坐在这儿的妈妈 她是你的头号粉丝 who's sitting right here, your mother.
妈妈是我的头号粉丝 我没觉得不好意思 I'm not ashamed that my mom is my number one fan.
差点忘了 是唯一的粉丝 Only fan, by the way.
我们在吃 别吵了 停下来 We're having a, stop it, stop it.
好了 好了 好了 我们能 Okay, okay, okay, okay, can we just--
你们俩都别吵了 Stop it, both of you.
我在想能不能让鲁伊斯 I was wondering if it's okay
下周末过来一起吃个晚饭 if Ruis comes over for dinner next weekend.
当然可以 Absolutely.
鲁伊斯人很棒 Ruis is awesome.
那不可能 That can't be true.
你怎么知道他人怎么样 How do you know if it's true or not?
你又没有见过他 You've never even met him.
我不需要见到他 I don't need to meet him
因为我见过你以前所有的男朋友 because I've met all your other boyfriends.
还记得那个把在线打牌当工作的人吗 Remember the guy whose job it was to play online poker?
或者你还记得总是穿牛仔短裤的那个吗 Or do you remember the guy who always wore jean shorts?
每一 妈妈 他每一天都穿着牛仔短裤 Every single, Mom, every single day, he wore jean shorts.
你还记得长得像摇滚小子的那个吗 Do you remember the one that looked like Kid Rock?
底特律摇滚歌手
他一点也不像摇滚小子 He didn't look anything like Kid Rock.
我道歉 他是长得像克拉克叔叔 I apologize, he looked like Uncle Kracker.
摇滚小子的朋友 同为摇滚歌手
瞧见没 See?
爸爸妈妈都喜欢这个笑话 Even Dad and Mom liked that,
我的头号粉丝笑了 my number one fan is laughing.
-谢谢你 妈妈 -随便了 - Thank you, Mom. - Whatever.
-他就是像 -鲁伊斯人很棒 - He did. - Ruis is awesome.
傻屌 Eat a dick.
梅格 不要说脏话 Meg, language.
斯科特 我们不拿鲁伊斯开玩笑 Scotty, we do not make fun of Ruis.
真的吗 Really?
这是我们家的新规矩了吗 That's a rule in this house now?
我们不能随便提到鲁伊斯这个名字吗 We can't use Ruis's name in vain?
他是谁 伏地魔吗 What is he, Voldemort?
《哈利波特》中主角们不能随便提到伏地魔的名字
他人很棒 He's awesome.
谢谢你 爸爸 Thank you, Dad.
斯科特 你听说了罗里·赛德尔的事吗 Oh, Scotty, did you hear about Rory Seidel?
罗里·赛德尔是谁 Who's Rory Seidel?
你以前和他一起上学 You went to school with him.
他以前在冰淇淋店工作 想起来了吗 He used to work at Carvel's, remember?
想起来了 Yes.
我记得罗里 那个该死的怪人 I remember Rory, that fucking weirdo.
怎么了 发生了什么 Why, what happened?
他死了 He died.
太让人难过了 他才32岁 It's so sad, he was only 32.
天呐 我记得那个人 God, I remember that guy.
你不是他的朋友吗 Weren't you friends with him?
我和他不是朋友 贝琪才是他朋友 I wasn't friends with him, no, but Becky was.
是罗林斯 对吗 Hey, Rollins, right?
罗林斯 Rollins.
你好 最近怎么样 Hey, how you doing?
怎么哪儿都有你 Are you everywhere?
我在各个地方走动 I get around.
你在这儿干什么 What are you doing here?
说实话 我也不知道 Honestly, I don't even know.
什么 What?
-是你杀了罗里 -我没有杀罗里 - You killed Rory. - I didn't kill Rory.
所以你压力才这么大 That's why you were stressed.
你这是在干嘛 What are you doing?
你的手搭在他肩膀上 That's your hand on his shoulder
然后你就掐死了他 right before you strangled him.
罗里他是因为 不是 他是死于白血病 Rory died of, don't, he died of leukemia.
你是磕嗨了吗 Are you high?
是啊 Yeah.
那你为什么来这儿 And why are you here?
罗里以前和我的孩子一起上学 Rory went to school with my kid.
是离了婚有压力性荨麻疹的那个吗 Oh, the divorcer with stress hives.
不是 是我另一个孩子 No, my other one.
我的儿子 My son.
说到这儿 你的荨麻疹怎么样了 Speaking of which, how are they doing?
-你想看看吗 -是的 - You wanna see? - Yeah.
-在教堂里 -是的 先生 - In a church? - Yeah, yes, sir.
已经在消退了 Fading already.
还有谁比我厉害 Who's better than me?
没有了 Nobody.
对了 Hey.
为什么要叫守灵[醒来] Why do they call it a wake anyway?
什么意思 What do you mean?
就像罗里 他怎么都不会醒来了 Well, it's not like Rory's waking anytime soon.
但是如果他起来了 他现在就站起来了 Oh, but if he got up, if he got up right this second,
那就可以叫守灵了 then we can call it a wake.
那么他就是重新醒来的罗里 Yeah, that's Rory, the reawakening.
你们俩可以闭嘴吗 Will you two please shut up?
好的 我道歉 夫人 Yes, I apologize, ma'am.
你身上有大麻的臭味 You stink of marijuana.
不是我 是他身上的 Oh, it's not me, it's him.
才不是我 你知道是他身上的味道 It is not me, you know it's him.
他戴着一顶软呢帽[可由大麻制作] He's wearing a fedora.
该死 Shit.
怎么了 What's the matter?
-有什么不对吗 -我不应该在这儿 - What's wrong? - I shouldn't be here.
-天呐 你没事吧 -娜娜·玛丽 - Oh god, are you okay? - Nana Marie.
对不起 你还好吗 I'm sorry, are you okay?
快点走 赶紧走 Hey, hey, go, just go, just go,
-谢了 -快走 - Thanks. - go, go.
女士 你没事吧 Ma'am, are you okay?
离我远一点 Get away from me.
把你的脏手从她身上拿开 Get your filthy hands off of her.
我只是在想着帮她 I'm just trying to help her.
又不是在玩抓屁股或者其他什么流氓游戏 I'm not playing grab-ass or anything.
你还好吗 罗林斯 You okay, Rollins?
我挺好的 那个女人怎么样了 Yeah, yeah, how is the woman?
你是说你撞到的那个吗 Oh, the one you body slammed?
对 Yes.
不得不说 我俩真是够明目张胆的 That's a flagrant two, by the way.
好了 所以她怎么样了 Okay, what happened to her?
锁骨骨折 Uh, broken clavicle.
-你说真的吗 -假的 她没事 - Are you serious? - No, she's fine.
我在开玩笑 I'm just kidding.
不过还是谢谢你 Thank you, by the way.
你不用跟我一起出来的 You don't have to follow me out,
你可以再回去 man, you can go back inside.
-不 实际上我不能回去 -为什么 - No, actually I can't. - Why?
因为我被人认出来了 Because I was properly identified.
被谁 By who?
我的儿子 My son.
这真是太好了 Oh, this is so wonderful.
说明你也是不请自来参加守灵的 This means you're a wake crasher too.
在他向我表示了应有的敬意之后 Well, I was gonna talk to him
我是准备跟他讲话的 但是说来话长 after he paid his proper respects, but it's a long story.
-是吗 -所以我长话短说 - Right? - So, short answer,
我也是不请自来参加守灵的 I am also a wake crasher.
-得了吧 -我们先离开这儿 - Come on. - Yeah, let's get outta here.
-别回头看 -好 我 我 好 - Don't look back. - Yeah, I'm, I'm, yeah.
你是真的认识罗里吗 Did you even know Rory?
没有熟到可以去参加他的守灵 Not enough to have been there, no.
我知道他这个人 但我知道她熟悉他 I mean, I knew of him, but I knew that she knew him, so...
所以你去那里只是为了能见到那个女孩 Oh, so you were just there to see the girl.
是的 Yeah.
让我猜猜 你的前任 Yeah, let me guess, your ex,
离你而去的人 那首经典老歌唱的那样 the one that got away, that old classic?
指Katy Perry的《The One That Got Away》
不 是我离她而去了 No, the one I ran away from.
那就是混音版 Oh, the remix.
你还知道混音版呢 Oh, you've heard of the remix?
所以你现在是想要和她重归于好 Oh, so you're trying to get back together,
还是就当个老派的跟踪狂 or are you just a good old-fashioned stalker?
我其实也不知道 I honestly don't even know.
可能当个跟踪狂吧 It might be the latter,
我被这个想法吓得不轻了 which is really scaring the shit out of me.
你多大了 Now, how old are you?
怎么了 Why?
你还年轻 不应该这么泄气 You're way too young to be this defeated.
托尼 两杯野格炸弹 Tony, two Jagerbombs, please.
-野格炸弹 -没错 - Jagerbombs. - Oh yes.
-你多大岁数了 -65岁 非常感谢 - How old are you? - 65, thank you very much.
我在想 也许我应该找一个 You know what, maybe I should find a girl
有恋父情结的女孩子 你觉得呢 with daddy issues, what do you think?
恋爷情结可能更靠谱吧 Oo, probably more like granddaddy issues,
你觉得怎么样 what do you think about that?
还挺有意思的 Oh, that's funny.
我是个相声演员 Well, I'm a comedian.
真的吗 Really?
你为什么是这个腔调 Why do you say it like that?
我没看出来 Well, I don't get that from you.
那你看我像干什么的 What do you get from me then?
我觉得你是保险理算人 I get an insurance adjuster.
不是 No.
我觉得你是起亚经销店的汽车销售员 I get a car salesman at a Kia dealership.
是吗 谢谢 Oh wow, thank you.
-我觉得你是一个遛狗人 -遛狗的人吗 - I get a dog walker. - A dog walker?
我觉得你是展览筹款人 I get fundraiser for the show.
好吧 我可以是展览筹款人 Fine, I could be a fundraiser for the show.
不 你太愤世嫉俗了 No, you're just cynical as shit.
你甚至都很郁闷 知道吗 You're morose even, you know?
你想听真正的笑话吗 Hey, you want some real jokes?
想 Yeah.
我的推特账号 My Twitter account.
-皮肤禾 -是的 - DermatolOG. - Thank you.
名字不错嘛 Nicely done.
你居然有12000多个粉丝 You have over 12,000 followers?
是啊 That's me.
你还认证了 And you're verified?
那个蓝钩标志是这个意思吗 Is that what that blue check mark means?
你知道那个蓝钩的意思 You know what that blue check mark means.
我死后 希望有人能接管我的账号 When I die, I want someone to take over my account
每个月都在推特上发 滚吧 混蛋 and tweet boo, motherfuckers, every month or so.
真是 真是 This is actually, that's actually...
真是太神奇了 That's actually pretty amazing.
我很吸引粉丝的 小伙子 Well, I'm a good follow, man.
不 不 听着 我也是认真的 No, no, listen, I'm serious about that too.
所以 如果你感兴趣的话 So, if you're interested,
【挂住】doctorsmooooth@aol.com doctorsmooooth@aol.com,
-有4个"O" 请注意 -aol.com - that's four Os, thank you. - Wow, aol.com.
创立于1993
你真的是65的高龄了 You really are 65.
你的密码是什么 "密码"吗 What's your password, password?
不 No.
是"邮箱" It's email.
你的邮箱密码是"邮箱"这个词吗 The password for your email is email?
是啊 我很潮的 小伙子 Yeah, I live on the edge, man.
任何能甩掉俄国间谍的东西 Anything to throw off those Russians.
-我的天呐 -好吧 - Oh my god. - All right.
在这里 灵魂的母乳 Here it is, mother's milk for the soul.
-准备好了吗 -是的 该怎么办 - Ready? - Yeah, how do you do it?
把它放进去还是 You just drop it in or...
你以前从没喝过野格炸弹吗 You've never done a Jagerbomb before?
因为我不是一个19岁的联谊会女孩 Seeing as I'm not a 19 year old sorority girl,
-不 我从来没有喝过 -太愤世嫉俗了 - no, I've never done a… - So cynical.
我不是在 告诉我就行了 I'm not trying, just tell me.
该怎么做 把它放进去还是做什么 What do you do, do you drop it in or what do you do?
放进去 马上喝 You drop it in, drink right away.
-马上吗 -是的 - Right away? - Yeah.
我不能喝太快 你确定吗 I can't drink fast, you sure?
准备好 放 Ready, boom.
拿起来 喝下去 马上 Up, in, now.
我不想 I don't wanna.
快喝吧 Oh, come on.
对你有好处 It's good for you.
喝呀 快喝呀 Come on, oh, come on.
你喝得也太慢了 That took way too long.
然后呢 And?
这酒还挺好喝 That was a tasty beverage.
真他妈挺好喝的 That was really fucking good.
非得说一样我在行的事 那就是喝酒 You see, if there's one thing I know about, it's booze.
不是有关皮肤的建议吗 Not dermatological advice?
当然不是 Oh fuck no.
托尼 再来两杯 再来两杯 Tony, two more, two more.
不要了 托尼 Absolutely not, Tony.
我得回家了 I've gotta go home.
谁在乎你回不回家啊 Who cares about your home?
长岛人把每天当做最后一天那样 Long Island people are fantastic at drinking
疯狂喝酒 like it's their last day on earth.
把酒喝光 你个不请自来守灵的混蛋 Drink up, you wake-crashing son of a bitch.
来吧 接着喝 Let's go, bombs away.
来吧 Yeah, there you go.
放进去 Drop.
你都不倒数了吗 You don't even count down?
来 干杯 Hoist, come on, boom.
-把你的拿起来 -什么 - Up yours. - What?
为了胜利 Oo, for the win.
八号球打进角落口袋里 行吗 Eight ball in the corner pocket, all right?
八号球 不要怕黑球 宝贝 Eight ball, don't be afraid of the dark, baby.
拿下这个球 马蒂 Take us home, Marty.
如果我成功了 你就得跟我出去约会 And if I make it, you have to go out with me.
我告诉过你 我已经结婚了 Oh, I told you, I'm married.
怎么 和我刚才的提议结婚了吗 What, to that idea, to the thing I just came up with?
你知道吗 我喜欢她的热情 You know, I love her enthusiasm.
来吧 我很有趣的 Come on, I'm fun.
-我超有趣的 -好吧 - I'm a lot of fun. - Okay.
-好了 来吧 -相信自己 - Yeah, all right. - Believe in yourself.
吸气 Breathe in.
是的 我可以的 Yeah, I'm good.
你怎么自落 How do you scratch...
你击中八号后自落了 You scratched on the eight,
你击中八号球后自落了 you scratched on the eight ball though.
很高兴 很高兴 A pleasure, a pleasure.
-很好的游戏 -我很抱歉 - Very good game. - I'm so sorry.
听着 输给你很荣幸 Listen, it was a honor to lose to you.
太感谢你了 太有趣了 Thank you so much, it was so much fun.
你是叫瓦内萨吗 Vanessa, right?
天哪 我能给你买一杯酒吗 You know, oh god, can I buy you a drink?
或者一辆车 一套公寓 Or a car, or a condo.
太过了 太过了 悠着点 That's a lot, that's a lot, take it down a notch.
悠着点 Take it down a notch.
我们四个可以住在一起 The four of us could live together.
-我们会很开心的 -我们该走了 - We'd be great. - We gotta go.
看到了吗 You see?
我的生活就是这样 That's the story of my life.
美人总是离我而去 The good ones just always go.
-所以 你们走吧 -你爸爸太可爱了 - So go, please. - Your dad's a charmer.
很明显 是吧 Apparently, right?
好吧 再见 Okay, all right, bye.
你不想送她们出去吗 爸爸 Don't you wanna walk them out, Dad?
-我还真想 -我就知道你想 - Yeah, you know, actually, I do. - I bet you do.
姑娘 姑娘 Yeah, hey, girls, girls.
到家后给我打电话好吗 就当帮我一个忙 Would you do me a favor and just call me when you get home,
你知道我有多担心你 'cause you know how I worry.
我跟你们说什么来着 Oh, you know, what did I tell you guys?
马蒂 别再说了 伙计 Oh, Marty, not again, man.
你知道吗 你与其把钱投进那台机器里 You know, if you're gonna pump money into that machine,
不如放些原创的东西 you might as well play the original stuff.
什么是原创的东西 What's the original stuff?
你不知道吗 You don't know?
他居然不知道 He don't know.
又来了 Here we go.
嘻哈 说唱 都来自同一个东西 Hip hop, rap, all comes from the same thing,
爵士和灵魂乐 jazz and soul.
好吧 下面放点斯莱和斯通一家乐队的歌 All right, I'll play a little Sly and the Family Stone next.
让我嗨起来 Take me higher.
该乐队有一首歌叫《I Want to Take You Higher》
-看啊 -老爷爷挺懂行 - Look at this. - Grandpa knows his shit.
首先 我是个老爷爷 Hey, first of all, I am a grandpa.
第二 我的确很懂行 And second, I do know my shit.
他们是我的侄子 Hey, these are my nephews.
这是泽维尔 This is Xavier.
宇宙飞船 Rocket ship.
这是埃伦 Boo, and this is Aaron.
好的 Yeah, all right.
很高兴认识你们 It's nice to meet you guys.
我们也很高兴认识你 Nice to meet you too, man.
其实我们不是他的侄子 We're not really his nephews.
我知道 No, I figured, I mean.
你为什么要告诉他 Why did you tell him?
他会知道的 He was gonna find out.
他不会知道 He was not gonna find out.
-他是个 -拿着 拿着 - He's a mil- - Here, here, here, here.
你在脸书上得知了守灵然后就不请自入了 So you found out about the wake on Facebook and crashed it?
不是只有我 还有他 It wasn't just me, it was him too.
只待了一会儿 Just a little bit.
脸书就这么糟糕 伙计 Facebook's messed up like that, man.
我是说 太多的信息可能 I mean, too much information can
是件坏事 你懂我意思吗 be a bad thing, you know what I mean?
伙计 去他的社交媒体 Man, screw social media.
我同意 去他的社交媒体 Screw social media is right.
成年人的脸书就像是政治咆哮 Facebook as an adult is all like political rants.
太他妈的蠢了 It's just so fucking stupid.
无论去哪里 人们都发到脸书上 People checking in everywhere they go
就像他妈的有人在乎似的 like anyone gives a fuck.
还有那些该死的心灵鸡汤 And those damn inspirational quotes.
天啊 我真是太"需要"了 Oh my god, 'cause that's what I need.
从高二就没联系的人 Someone I haven't heard from since the 10th grade
告诉我要旁若无人地跳舞 tell me to dance like nobody's watching.
拜托 你知道我想说什么吗 Come on, like, you know what I'm saying?
等等 还有那些婴儿的照片 Wait, what about the baby pictures?
我成天看到的都是那些 That's all I ever see.
别提婴儿照片了 Don't get me started on baby pictures.
我知道你为你的孩子感到骄傲 You're proud of your baby, I get it,
但除非你的孩子骑着摩托车 but unless your kid is riding a motorcycle
穿过燃烧的铁环 或者成了范·海伦乐队 through like a flaming hoop or is the new drummer
的新鼓手 不然我可不想一天看四张照片 for Van Halen, I don't need to see four pictures a day.
一张照片就够了 You get one.
每个人只准发一张婴儿照片 就这样 Everybody gets one baby picture and that's it.
去他妈的范·海伦 Van fucking Halen.
不愧是我兄弟 My man.
这他妈是我这么久以来听到的最白人的事 That is the whitest goddamn reference I've heard in a long time.
你们想听白人的事吗 Do you wanna hear white?
今天 我在果汁店花了一个小时 Today, I spent an hour downloading NPR podcasts
下载NPR播客 in a Jamba Juice.
所以 So…
女士们 先生们 请站起来 Ladies and gentlemen, step right up
来见见世界上最白的混蛋 and meet the whitest motherfucker in the world.
大家好 Hello, everybody.
我曾经在全食超市买过美好冬季乐团的专辑 I once bought a Bon Iver album in a Whole Foods.
再说点 Give me some more.
来吧 像个男人一样 Mm, come on, be a man.
这就对了 这就对了 There you go, there you go, there you go.
我真的需要这个 I really needed this.
为什么 Why is that?
我回来后就没怎么出来玩过 I just haven't been out much since I've been back.
我所有的朋友都有成人的生活 All my friends have adult lives.
太他妈折磨人了 It's such a mind-fuck.
是的 Yeah, well...
年纪越大 朋友就越少 The older you get, the less friends you have.
我本该是时候把生活过明白了 I just feel like I would have my life figured out by now.
就像我所有的朋友那样 I mean, all my friends do.
让我告诉你什么是生活 Let me tell you something about life,
没人能过明白自己的生活 nobody has their shit figured out.
每个人都有自己前进的步伐 Everybody moves at their own speed.
我明白 但我就是他妈的很后悔 I understand that, but I just fucking regret the way--
后悔那个金发美女的事吗 Something about the blonde?
是的 是的 是的 Yes, yes, yes.
因为我离开时 她说我是她的真命天子 Because when I left, she said that I was the one.
这是她的原话 Those were her words.
她告诉我所有的朋友 我是她的真命天子 She told all my friends, she said that I was the one.
我明白了 我明白了 没关系的 I hear you, I hear you, and that's cool.
但可能她不是你的真命天女 But maybe she wasn't the one for you.
懂吗 You know?
因为有时候 缘分不会自己找上门来 'Cause sometimes those things don't always line up.
这就是为什么上帝给了我们大麻和酒 That's why the good lord gave us weed and booze, you know?
他们是对抗悔恨的麻醉剂 They're numbing agents against regret,
因为悔恨是真实存在的 because regret is real.
它是世上为数不多真实的东西之一 It's one of the few things in the world that is.
为什么这么说 How so?
这什么意思 What does that even mean?
意思是 幸福会消褪 懂吗 It means that happiness fades, okay?
悲伤会随着时间减轻 而且每次都会这样 And sadness dulls over time, it just does every time.
但悔恨 这他妈是真实的 兄弟 But regret, that shit is real, man.
这鬼东西永远散不去 That shit lingers.
刚才在酒吧我看到了你当相声演员的潜质 I saw a little hint of the comedian back at the bar.
你是个有趣的人 你真的很有趣 You were funny, man, you were really funny.
-别这样 -不 挺好的 - Nah, come on. - No, it's cool.
你最近打算开工吗 You gonna be working anytime soon?
因为我会来看你的 'Cause I would come and check you out.
不 Oh no.
我最近没什么灵感 I'm not feeling really funny lately.
太糟了 Oh, too bad.
周二晚上 你有点微醺 It's a Tuesday night and you're a little drunk
还和你的皮肤科医生一起嗑药了 and you're smoking dope with your dermatologist,
你应该 you should...
你应该把它写下来 You should write that shit down.
写下来吧 我愿意出钱来看 Write that shit down, I'd pay to see that.
我从不在台上谈我的个人生活 I don't talk about my personal life.
我讲得更多的是笑话和包袱 I do more like jokes and bits.
笑话和包袱 Jokes and bits?
对 笑话和 你为什么这么看我 Yeah, jokes and, why are you looking at me like that?
我不知道那是什么 I don't know what that is.
我走上台 然后我说 I get on the stage and I tell,
我说些搞笑的事 搞笑的话 I say funny things, I say funny words.
-搞笑的话 -对啊 - Funny words? - Yeah.
好吧 All right.
我最喜欢的喜剧演员是真诚的 You know, the guys I like the best are the guys who are real
讲生活中的真事的人 你知道吗 that talk about real stuff in their life, you know?
真诚的人是你愿意记住的人 The real guys are the ones that you remember.
你为什么不谈你的真实生活 Why don't you talk about your real life?
-因为我甚至没有生活 -太搞笑了 - I don't really have a life. - That's hilarious.
这不是说来搞笑的 That's not supposed to be funny.
-太搞笑了 这很悲伤并且令人绝望 - That's hilarious. - That's sad and depressing.
别笑话我 Don't laugh at that.
你是在嘲笑我是个废物 And you're laughing that I'm a fucking loser.
那你呢 你呢 What about you, what about you, huh?
怎么 我怎么了 What, what about me?
你的伟大梦想是当一个无名的皮肤医生吗 Was the big dream to be a suburban dermatologist?
不不不不不 No, no no no no no.
我一开始学的是药学 综合诊疗 I started out in medicine, in general medicine.
我本来要当外科医生的 I was gonna be a surgeon.
我之前在长岛贝思佩奇的圣安东尼学校 I was a resident at St. Anthony's
-当住院医师 -那是我出生的医院 - in Bethpage, Long Island. - Dude, that's where I was born.
我就觉得你看起来很面熟 I thought you looked familiar.
你看过这张脸 You see this face?
你就是那个一头头发的新生儿 It was that newborn with that head of hair.
是我 That's me.
我刚生下来的时候就长满头发了 I was all hair when I came out.
那时候我才意识到一个"有趣的"事实 No, I just had this interesting epiphany.
-我怕血 -天呐 - I was terrified of blood. - Jeez.
是的 血会把我吓坏 Yeah, freaked me out.
所以我调头重来 回到学校 So I made a U-turn, went back to school,
以一名皮肤科医生的身份重新亮相 and reemerged as a doctor of de skin.
我更容易接受 更适合我 And it was more mellow and better for me.
在那时候 我需要更多规划 And at the time, I needed more structure,
因为我很努力地在生活 'cause I was living hard.
我一直在工作 停不下来 I was running in the fast lane.
-就像滚动的石头 -就像基斯·理查兹 - Like a rolling stone. - Yeah, like Keith Richards.
滚石乐队创始人之一
-就像基斯·理查兹 -是的 - Like Keith Richards. - Yeah, man.
这 It was...
然后我的第一任妻子去世了 我需要再婚 And then my first wife died and I needed to regroup and...
很抱歉 我对这些一无所知 I'm sorry about that, man, I had no idea.
你又为什么会知道呢 Why would you, you know?
我又有了第二任妻子 她也去世了 I had a second wife and she died too.
天呐 Jesus Christ.
但是听着 我可不是那个德斯特 Yeah, yeah, but hey listen, I'm not the Durst guy.
罗伯特·德斯特 杀害其妻子和情人
你知道 我不是 You know, I'm not, no.
她们俩的情况都不一样 Just, they were both different situations.
但是她们都 你知道的 But both, you know.
我的第二任妻子是天赐的礼物 But my second wife was a godsend.
她一直帮我 She just helped me.
可以说我当时真的需要驯服心中的野兽 I really needed to tame the beast, so to speak.
然后 And...
这就是为什么现在你的孩子不愿意见你吗 Is that why your kid didn't want to see you today?
不喜欢野兽吗 Wasn't a fan of the beast?
对 他不喜欢野兽 No, he's not a fan of the beast.
是啊 Yeah.
别动 Freeze.
-你们两个都不要动 -警察来了 - Stay where you are, the both of you. - It's the cops.
这根大麻我要怎么办 我要不把它吃了吧 What should I do with the joint? Should I eat it?
吃掉吗 Eat it?
好吧 All right.
不不不 你他妈干了啥 No no no, what are you fucking doing?
你刚吞下了 You just swallowed...
我说的是个疑问句 I said it like a question.
我有说叫你吞下去吗 I said eat it?
-把手放在我能看见的地方 -好 - Hands where I can see them. - Yeah, yep.
别表现出你嗑嗨了的样子 Act like you're not high.
-摇下窗户 -是 - Lower the window. - Yeah, of course.
摇下窗 Lower it down.
-摇到底 -这辆车很老了 - All the way down. - It's just an old car.
-摇到底 -好了 - All the way down. - Here it comes.
好了 Here it comes.
-我闻到的是大麻吗 -不是 - Is that weed I smell? - No.
不不不 No, no no no no no.
我们其实在 我们在 We're actually, we're just…
不好意思 I'm sorry.
你干嘛不闭上你的臭嘴呢 Why don't you shut your fucking mouth?
你说得对 我们应该闭上臭嘴 You're right, we should shut our fucking mouths.
我们应该闭上臭嘴 We should shut our fucking mouths.
我们应该离开这鬼地方 We should get the hell out of here.
话说回来 我们都不应该在这里 We shouldn't even be here to begin with.
不好意思 请问你的名字是鲁伊斯吗 I am sorry, is your name Ruis?
-是的 -对了 - Yes. - Yes.
兄弟 我是斯科特 我是梅格的哥哥 Dude, Scott, I'm Meg's brother.
-等等 斯科特 -是啊兄弟 斯科特 - Wait, Scott? - Yes, dude, Scott.
-兄弟你最近咋样 -你怎么样 兄弟 - Hey, man, how you doing? - What's up, brother?
-很高兴见到你 -很高兴见到你 - I'm so happy to meet you. - Good to meet you, man.
-这是马蒂 -你好 - This is Marty. - Oh hey.
抱歉 马蒂 你还好吗 I'm sorry, Marty, how you doing?
他吞下了大麻烟 He swallowed his joint
因为他以为你会杀掉我们 because we thought you were gonna kill us.
我等会找找 I'll find it later.
这大麻真不错啊马蒂 That's really good weed, Marty.
鲁伊斯 不得不说 你朝我们走过来的方式 Ruis, I gotta say, the way you came at us,
我他妈爱死了 oo, I fucking loved it.
-很酷吧 -对啊 很酷 - Pretty cool, right? - Yes, very cool.
有点像这样 闭上你的臭嘴 It's kinda like hey. Shut your fucking mouth.
这很吓人 That was scary.
很逼真对吧 It's good, right?
对啊 可吓人了 Yeah, that's pretty scary.
-我在努力尝试 -做得不错 - I try. - Yeah, it's good.
你们也应该试试 You guys should try it, man.
就是 警察这一套 Like, this whole the cop thing.
真的很有趣 It's really fun.
真的 把情绪都发泄出来 懂吗 Really, you know, brings it out, you know?
一点也别动哦 人渣 Don't move a muscle, scumbag.
因为只要你一动 Because if you move a muscle,
我就会射爆你的菊花 I'ma shoot you in your asshole.
自求多福也无济于事了 Praying for your life won't do you any good
因为现在 你看向的 'cause right now, you're looking into the eyes
正是魔鬼本人的眼睛 of the devil himself.
-真不赖啊 -每只鸭子都有它的极限 - That's really good. - Every duck has his limit.
而你 混球 刚把我逼到了爆发点 And you, scum, just pushed me over the line.
鸭子 Duck?
你想的话也可以用 You can use it if you want.
但其实是来自于是霍华德怪鸭 But full disclosure, it is from "Howard the Duck" so...
《天降神兵》中的角色
这是部电影 That was cinema.
很好的一部电影 Oh, that's a good movie.
-我超爱这部电影 -我爱死了 - I love that movie. - I love that, yeah.
它太好看了 是部奥斯卡级别的电影 It's insane, that's an Oscar film.
我问问你 So let me ask you something.
你刚才是打算逮捕我们吗 Were you gonna arrest us?
不 No, no.
我谁也不能逮捕 I can't arrest anyone.
你打算给我们罚单吗 So you give us a ticket?
太操蛋了 我连罚单都给不了 You know, it's fucked up, I can't even give tickets.
好吧 那你能做什么 Well, what can you do?
你能做什么 What can you do?
什么都不行 Nothing.
只能口头让别人回家 You can just show up and just tell people to go home.
你知道的 像这样 You know, it's like, hey!
回家看网飞吃薯片去吧 Go home and watch Netflix and eat Doritos.
天呐 Oh my god.
鲁伊斯 我不得不说 你他妈太酷了 Ruis, I gotta say it, you're fucking awesome.
我知道 I know, right?
你们想搭个便车回家吗 You guys want a ride home?
行行行 你不载我回家的话 Yeah yeah yeah, if you don't give me a ride home,
我会伤到自己的 I'm gonna hurt myself.
而且你知道吗 Yeah, and you know what?
尽管我是一个出色的醉驾司机 Even though I happen to be a fantastic drunk driver,
我还是觉得醉驾是不对的 I think it's the wrong thing.
我明天再来取我的车 先搭你的便车回家 So I'll get my car tomorrow, I'll take a ride with you now.
-走吧 -出发吧 - Let's go. - Shall we?
-好的 走吧 -好极了 - Yes, let's go. - Great.
我的错 My bad.
-走路小心 -好的 - Careful along the maze. - Yeah.
-小心点 -好的 - Careful. - Okay.
-操 -这边走 - Ow, fuck. - This way.
-是的 -这边走 - Yeah, of course. - This way.
-斯科特 这边走 -好的 兄弟 - Scott, this way. - Yeah, dude.
我其实不知道该往哪边走 I don't know which way to go?
我都34岁了 I'm like 34.
你找到那根大麻后告诉我 好吧 Let me know when you find that joint, all right?
还有 别抽掉 Yeah, and don't smoke it.
放下武器 Hey, put the weapon down.
斯科特 Scotty.
斯科特 你醒了吗 Scotty, are you awake?
没 No.
我就是来看看你有没有睡过头 I'm just checking you're not oversleeping
错过约会或者其他事情 for an appointment or anything.
你知道现在几点了吗 Do you know what time it is?
妈妈 我知道 Yeah, Mom.
现在是四点六十七分 没事的 It's 4:67, we're fine.
没有四点六十七分这个时间 宝贝 4:67 isn't a time, honey.
天呐 Oh man.
好吧 你的车呢 Okay, and where's your car?
我没在外面看到它 I didn't see it outside.
电池坏了 Battery died.
我今天要去买个应急启动电源 I need a jump today, okay?
好吧 我猜它真的有点老化了 Well, I guess it's finally starting to show its age.
你起来的时候能不能帮我个忙 But when you get up, you wanna do me a favor?
当然可以 Yeah, 100%.
老妈 你能不能先给我拿些止痛药 But first, Mom, can you get me like a bucket of Advil
还有一些冰冻松饼 and like some Eggos.
我超爱你的 Oh, I love you very much.
我也爱你 I love you too.
-快起床 -好的 - Now get up. - Yeah.
笑话
和皮肤科医生一起抽大麻
你为什么要打磨这个窗框 Why are you sanding the screen?
什么 What?
我问你为什么要打磨这个窗框 Why are you sanding the screen?
我要给它重新喷漆 Well, in order to re-stain the screens,
首先得打磨光滑 one must first sand them.
新漆肯定很好看 Yeah, a new stain would look good.
是个好主意 That's a good idea.
你有什么事吗 斯科特 You need something, Scott?
没什么 No.
我就想告诉你 I just wanted to tell you
我不会在这里待太久的 that I'm not gonna be staying here for too much longer.
我要自己找个地方住 I'm gonna get a place of my own.
我已经开始在网上找了 I've already been looking on Craigslist.
好吧 那你自己住的地方得花多少钱 Well, how much is this place of your own gonna cost?
你不用替我担心这个 You don't have to worry about it.
我去统治者酒吧那条街申请了一套房 I went down to Governor's, I'm scheduling a set for myself.
我知道我不应该再接开放麦的活了 And I know I shouldn't be starting on open mics again,
但是我要赚钱就得 but if I want to get paid for standup--
行啦 斯科特 Scott, come on.
别胡思乱想了 Enough of this fantasy land bullshit.
我知道你可能不想听我接下来的话 I know you probably don't wanna hear that.
可能 Probably?
我给你讲个事 好吧 Okay, I'll tell you a story, all right?
几年前的夏天 你叔叔杰弗里和我 Um, a couple summers back, when your uncle Jeffrey and I,
我们去了拉斯维加斯 在米高梅大酒店的 we went to Vegas, we were on this incredible heater
三张牌桌上赢了很多钱 on the three card tables at the MGM Grand.
赌场老板 给了我们一点额外的奖品 So, the pit boss, he gives us a couple of comps.
那天晚上 我们去见了布拉德·加勒特 That night, we go to see Brad Garrett.
喜剧演员
我跟你说 儿子 他太他妈搞笑了 And I gotta tell you, Son, he was just fucking hilarious.
我笑得太开心了 I laughed so hard,
把金汤力都喷在了你叔叔身上 I spit gin and tonic all over your uncle.
酒是从我的鼻子里喷出来的 It was coming out of my goddamn nose.
你跟我说这些干什么 Why are you telling me this?
我很抱歉 斯科特 但是你不是布拉德·加勒特 I'm sorry, Scott, but you're no Brad Garrett.
天呐 你是认真的吗 Oh my, are you serious?
这就是你想说的吗 That's where you were going?
听着 你想试一试 我明白 Look, you wanted to give it a shot, I get that, okay?
好吧 木料厂不适合你 And fine, the lumberyard's not for you.
拜托 别再说这个了 Please, let's not do this again.
不 听我说 No no, just listen to me.
事实就是这样 好么 That is what it is, okay?
去找个真正的工作 Just go and find yourself a real job.
你都三十多了 You're in your 30s
你还在讲笑话挣零花钱 and you're telling jokes for pocket change.
你能做得更好 You're better than that.
你为什么不去办公室讲笑话呢 I mean, why don't you go and tell your jokes in an office?
好 Okay?
去做那种人 I mean, be that guy.
比如有趣的邮差 The funny mailman.
怎么样 马蒂 近来如何 What up, Marty, how you feeling?
天呐 Oh man.
我看上去怎么样 How do I look?
-你看上去很落魄 -落魄 - You look like a five. - A five?
这是今天的么 Uh, this today?
这是再新鲜不过了 This is so recent.
-两分钟后有个新出炉的 -谢谢 - I got a fresh one coming out in two minutes. - Thank you.
来两块普通大小 热腾腾的 边上放碎红椒 Give me two regular, nice and hot, crush red on the side,
还有 一杯冰沙 and, um, a Thorazine smoothie.
-和通常一样 -对 - Yeah, the usual. - Yeah.
卷卷乐
欢迎来到卷卷乐 我能为您效劳吗 先生 Welcome to Do the Twist, can I help you, sir?
希望如此 Oh, I hope so, uh...
-桑杰 -桑杰 - Sanjay. - Sanjay.
桑杰 有一个很严重的问题 Sanjay, see, I got an enormous problem.
问题 A problem?
我买了一个新上的椰子椒盐卷饼 Yeah, I got one of those new coconut pretzels,
你知道我在说什么吗 you know what I'm talking about?
-知道 -那好 - Yes. - Yeah.
你应该觉得它们很好吃 对吧 I bet you think they're delicious, right?
它们是很好吃 They're nice.
它们让我拉到裤子上了 桑杰 They made me shit my pants, Sanjay.
不会吧 No.
这就对了 桑杰 Oh no is right, Sanjay.
这是我来这的原因 赔偿 That's why I'm here, retribution.
我是来拿我的赔偿 I'm here to get what's mine.
你们经理在哪 我要和你们经理聊聊 Where is your manager, I wanna talk to your manager.
是她吗 Is this her?
是这个女的让我拉到裤子上了么 Is this the woman that made me shit my pants?
不 她没让你 No no no, she did not make you--
就是她 She did.
桑杰 去做卷饼面团吧 Go make pretzel dough, Sanjay.
好的 Okay.
有什么我能帮你的吗 May I help you?
你钱包落在家里了 You left your wallet at home.
妈妈让我给你带来 Mom asked me to bring it to you.
她怕被警察拦下来问她 She's afraid to get pulled over and a cop would be like,
你的驾照呢 where's your license?
这个女人是世上的圣人 That woman is a saint on earth.
她太不可思议了 She's incredible.
是的 她太不可思议了 She's incredible, yeah.
是谁戴着墨镜啊 肮脏的哈里 What's with the sunglasses, Dirty Harry?
影片《警探哈里》中主角常戴墨镜
戴着墨镜的是一个34岁有宿醉的 What's with the sunglasses is that 34 year old hangovers
头疼得像脑癌一样的人 feel like brain cancer.
怕光 Light hurts.
鲁伊斯说你昨天深夜 Ruis said you were at a playground late last night
和一个老头在操场 with an old man.
听起来很疯狂 Sounds like a real rager.
这确实是真的 That is actually accurate.
但是绝对没有听起来那么奇怪 But also, totally not as weird as it sounds.
-我很怀疑 -好吧 你想错了 - I highly doubt that. - Oh okay, well, you're wrong.
你爸爸也错了 Your dad is wrong.
-给我一个椒盐卷饼 -你得付钱 - Give me a pretzel. - Give me some money.
我的天呐 Oh my goodness.
你真的想勒索我吗 Are you really trying to shake me down?
你能信吗 桑杰 Can you believe this, Sanjay?
我现在和鲁伊斯是好朋友 I am close personal friends with Ruis now.
我可以随时给他打电话 I can call him any time I want.
你在胡说 That is bullshit.
真的吗 Oh, really?
-9175436 -行了 - 9175436… - Okay.
给你一个椒盐卷饼 You get one pretzel.
我的椒盐卷饼多放点盐 I want my pretzel to be salted.
加盐 Salted.
真是个婊子 Basic bitch.
你怎么敢 Wow, how dare you.
我是个传统的男人 I am a classic man.
我是一个传统的男人 I'm a classic man.
我知道我喜欢什么 我就吃什么 I know what I like and I eat it.
谢谢你给我带钱包来 Thank you for bringing this.
我可能爱你吧 I love you, I guess.
我也爱你 I love you too.
也带有疑问的语气 Also questionably.
我们别再谈论这个了 好吗 Let's not talk about it again, okay?
我也爱你 桑杰 I love you too, Sanjay.
-我爱你 -拜 - I love you. - Bye.
-我要走了 -去睡觉吧 - I'm gonna head out. - Go to bed.
-回头再聊 -好 拜 - I'll talk to you soon. - Okay, bye.
我的天呐 Holy shit.
等一下 好吗 Wait one second, okay?
等一下 就等一下下 Wait one second, wait one second.
我的天啊 Oh my god.
我听说那是真的 我猜也是 I heard it was true, I guess it is.
什么 什么是真的 What, what was?
就是 我听说你去守灵了 I just, I heard you were at the wake.
-是的 -但是我不太 - Yes. - But I didn't necessarily
-相信吧 -我就是在那 - believe it. - I was there.
我不知道 你也去了吗 I didn't know, did you go?
对啊 我当然去了 Yeah, obviously I was there.
我都不知道你认识罗里 I didn't even know that you knew Rory.
对 Yeah, ugh.
真让人心碎 他是我的一个好朋友 It's heartbreaking, yeah, one of my good friends.
你特意飞回来守灵的吗 Did you fly back specifically for the wake?
不 我其实是搬回来住了 No, I actually moved back home.
-什么 -是的 - What? - Yeah.
-等下 不好意思 真的吗 -是真的 - Wait, I'm sorry, really? - Yeah.
住下不走了 Like, for good?
我不清楚 可能吧 I don't know, maybe.
我是说 暂时是住下了 I mean, for awhile, yeah.
加州呢 What about California?
我在纽约找了个新工作 所以我得搬回家 I got a job offer in New York, so I had to come home.
什么工作 What is it?
和色拉布签了发展协议 A development deal with Snapchat.
我算是社交媒体的影响者 Supposedly, I'm a social media influencer.
真的吗 Really?
你看起来过得非常好 But you seem to be doing incredible.
我的天 我在Ins上看过你发的所有东西 Oh my goodness, I've seen all these things on Instagram.
冰岛 你去过冰岛 Iceland, you went to Iceland.
你真的看过 Wow, you've really been looking, huh?
对啊 我是你的粉丝 Oh yeah, I'm a fucking troll.
我经常这么做 I'm on it constantly.
我看到你和欧文结婚了 And I saw that you married Owen.
对 Yeah.
我们结婚了 I did.
你们看起来很幸福 You guys look happy.
是啊 Yeah.
不好意思 我得走了 Anyway, I gotta get outta here.
我得 好吧 我必须得 I gotta, well, I have to--
是 我只是 好吧 Yeah, I was literally, I was, okay.
该死的斯科特·罗林斯 Scott fucking Rollins.
该死的贝琪·布鲁克斯 Becky fucking Brooks.
让我搞清楚 你跟我说的是 Let me get this straight, you're telling me
她要离开她丈夫 因为她说了句"是啊" that she's gonna leave her husband because of a yeah?
不是 提醒一下 她不是这么说的 No, by the way, it's not how she said it.
这不仅仅是一声"是啊" 而是一声呼救 It wasn't just a yeah, it was like a cry for help.
天呐 Oh man.
你需要学会控制你的期望 You have got to learn to manage your expectations.
不 我要深入探讨一下这个问题 No, I'm gonna dive deep into this one.
我一定要抓住这个机会 I'm gonna really latch onto this one.
你怎么有这个 How do you have this?
我那天晚上录的 I taped it the other night.
-你说真的 -对啊 - Yes, did you really? - Yeah.
86年大都会队 体育史上最好的球队之一 '86 Mets, one of the best teams in sports history.
没错 Thank you.
我说的不仅仅是棒球 And I'm not talking baseball.
我的意思是所有运动 I'm talking all of sports.
和我一拍即合 Hit me off with it.
都有谁 加里·卡特 莱尼·戴克斯特 What have we got, Gary Carter, Lenny Dykstra--
-基思·埃尔南德斯 达尔 -达尔·史卓贝瑞 - Keith Hernandez, Darryl… - Darryl Strawberry.
-左撇子之王 -莫奇 - Big Lefty. - Mookie.
-莫奇 -对战比尔·巴克纳 - Mookie. - And against Bill Buckner.
天哪 G-g-g-gosh.
那个投手叫什么来着 What was that pitcher's name?
-罗恩·达林 -就是他 - Ron Darling. - That was, yeah.
-耶鲁毕业的 -很聪明的一个人 - From Yale. - Very smart man.
-他真的很聪明 -没错 - Really smart kid. - Yeah.
我儿子五岁的时候 My son was five.
每当我问 谁在投球啊 I'd say, "Who's pitching"
他都会叫道 是达林 and he'd go, Darling.
是这样 Yeah, yeah.
他们是真的棒 Yeah, they were great.
说到棒的东西 我做的薄饼 Speaking of great, my pancakes.
-天哪 简直了 -好吃吗 - Oh my god, unbelievable. - Great?
你经常做饭吗 You do a lot of cooking?
我以前是经常做 那时孩子都还小 I used to, you know, when the kids were young.
做的大都是早饭 现在就很少做了 Breakfast mostly, but now, not so much.
明白 Yeah.
家里吃的东西也没有杂货店那么齐全 I'm not that well-stocked in the grocery department.
家里有什么 So what is it,
只有蓝莓和啤酒吗 just blueberries and beer?
还有波旁酒 And bourbon.
还买了些野格酒存冰箱里 And I've got some Jager in the fridge.
你家备齐了所有基本食物了 So you cover all the basic food groups.
只有最基本的 Just the essentials, you know.
-挺不错的 -是的 - Well, okay. - Yeah.
这些是有机蓝莓吗 Are they organic blueberries?
-长岛上本地的 -天哪 我想尝尝 - Long Island's own. - Oh my god, I could taste it.
你在干嘛 What are you doing?
你刚刚提到波旁酒 You brought up bourbon.
把我酒瘾勾上来了 就是这样 You know, just put me in the mood, that's all.
-不是我 是你提起的 -行吧 - No, you brought up bourbon. - All right.
算了 Fine.
你这人真没趣 You're no fun.
我最近经常听别人这么说我 Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately.
回归正题吧 好吗 To get back to what's important, right?
我就在那儿 贝琪就在我面前 I'm there, I'm right in front of Becky,
我问她 我说"你们看起来真幸福" and I ask her, I said, "You guys look happy."
然后她答道 注意她回答的样子好吗 And then she says, now listen to the way she says it, okay?
她答道"是啊" She goes, yeah.
还不够 这还不够像 That wasn't it, that wasn't even it.
像这样 就像某个将死之人 It was like this, it was like imagine someone about to die,
就像 内心快要死了 "是啊" die inside, it was like, yeah.
就是这样 你感受到了吗 That was it, did you hear it?
-没有 什么都没感受到 -天哪 - No, I hear nothing. - Oh my
我绝对什么都没有感受到 I hear absolutely nothing.
听我说 罗林斯 Listen, Rollins,
暂且不说她已经结婚了 existing marriage aside
暂且不说她糟糕的婚姻 你继续 Terrible marriage aside, but continue.
好 Okay.
她说过 他是真命天子 他是真命天子 She said, he's the one, he's the one.
行 我理解 All right, that's cool, I get that.
但她是你的真命天女吗 But is she the one for you?
有可能啊 I mean, maybe.
这不代表她就不是的真命天女 好吗 It doesn't mean she's not the right one for me, right?
我只想说 All I'm trying to say is
闪电几乎不会击中你两次 lightning rarely strikes twice.
但如果你睁着眼睛 But if you keep your eyes open
固执己见往上撞 它就是会再次击中你 and you're not a little stubborn shit, it can strike again.
你想表达什么意思 醉鬼尤达 Wow, what does that mean, Drunk Yoda?
电影《星球大战》中矮小的绿色类人外星人
就是字面意思 It means what it means.
我的天啊 你就是这么演犹达的 Holy shit, is that your Yoda impersonation?
这他妈是啥 What the fuck is this?
我确实不擅长 Well, it's not my world.
我想表达的意思是 What I'm trying to say is
要是我自己把命运给搞砸了呢 what if I fucked with destiny, right?
要是我本该往左拐 却拐向右边了呢 What if I zigged when I should have zagged?
我的整个人生就会不一样了 My entire life would be different.
就我个人来说 And speaking personally,
我确实觉得有些事是可以挽回的 I actually do think that you can unfuck something.
怎么说 Yeah?
我明天要再上去 Do you know I'm going up again tomorrow.
上去 是什么意思 Going up, what does that mean?
我要回归了 I'm making a comeback.
我要去利维敦镇 I'm going to Levittown.
去一个叫统治者酒吧的地方 A place called Governor's,
我要做单口喜剧演出 I'm gonna do some standup.
-太好了 -没错 - Great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-我喜欢你的演出 -真的吗 - Oh, I love that. - For real?
实话 你演出真的很棒 I told, oh, that's fantastic.
-明晚演出吗 -明晚七点整 - What, tomorrow night? - 7:00 p.M. tomorrow night.
但我不知道我第几个上 But I don't know when I'm in the lineup.
整场演出是七点开始 So the show starts at 7:00 p.M.
我在七点后的某个时间上 I'm somewhere in there.
他们给我安排了个很烂的时段 They gave me a shitty slot
因为我不常在那边演出 because I haven't been there for a bit.
-我会去看的 -说真的吗 - I'll be there. - For real?
-当然 -最低消费三杯 - Yeah. - Three drink minimum.
我还怕有最多杯数限制呢 I'm worried about the drink maximum.
你也可以喝可乐或者咖啡 You can also drink like a Coke or a coffee.
我喝咖啡因会死的 The caffeine will kill me.
喝了我心脏会像蜂鸟振翅般狂跳 My heart will be beating like a hummingbird.
你还在担心喝咖啡因会死 You're worried about the caffeine killing you?
-那是 -天 是吗 - Yeah. - Shit, yeah.
你介意我问照片里的人是谁吗 Is it weird if I ask you who is in that?
不介意 那是凯瑟琳 No, that's Catherine,
我的第二任妻子 that's wife number two.
你的第一任在哪儿 And where's wife number one?
她葬于佛明戴尔的公墓里 She's buried in a cemetery in Farmingdale.
阿勒山山那边 Mount Ararat.
凯瑟琳不想死后被埋在地下 Catherine hated the thought of being put into the ground.
所以 So...
我明白 I dig that, yeah.
她是怎么去世的 How did she die?
其实 罗林斯 我不太喜欢聊这些 You know, Rollins, I just don't like to talk about it.
理解 I get it.
她患上了胃癌 病死了 She had stomach cancer, ate her alive.
要知道 我和她结婚这么些年 You know, I didn't drink once
从来没喝过酒 all the years that we were married.
一次都没喝过 Not once.
一滴未沾 Not a drop.
因为没必要喝 Didn't have to.
你现在有什么安排 What are you doing now?
现在是周二的下午 It's Tuesday afternoon,
我在和我的皮肤科医生一起吃薄饼 I'm eating pancakes with my dermatologist.
这样的话 站起来 Well, get up.
-要我起来 我们要去哪里吗 -是的 - Get up, we going somewhere? - Yeah.
-我们要去哪儿 -实地考察 - Where we going? - Field trip.
我的皮肤科医生居然开的狗爷同款车 I can't believe my dermatologist drives Snoop Dogg's car.
美国说唱歌手
这车真靓 She's a cliz-assic.
-他是这么说的吗 -对 - Did I get it right? - Yeah.
跟他说的一模一样 That's exactly how he says it.
-是吗 -真靓 - See? - Cliz-assic.
我同意 I'm down with that.
你确定要在这里吗 You sure about this?
是的 Yeah.
行吧 All right.
都已经 该死 过了三年了 You know, it's been, fuck me, three years.
我应该早点这样做的 And I would've done this earlier
但没找到人陪我做这件事 but I didn't have anybody to do it with me.
想到一个老头子站在海滩边 And the thought of an old man out on the beach
把骨灰洒向空中的景象就很 spreading ashes around just seemed so--
悲伤 是这样 Sad, yeah.
我本来想说老套的 悲伤也不是没道理 I was gonna say cliche but, sad is not inaccurate.
如果你想过去跟她说些话 Listen, if you wanna say some words out there,
我可以在这里等你 I could just stay here.
她知道她对于我来说有多重要 She knew what she meant to me.
我对她来说是个好丈夫 对第一任却不是 I was the husband to her that I couldn't be to my first wife.
安妮 Anne.
可怜的安妮 她承受了太多苦难 Poor Anne, she had so many problems.
她饱受抑郁症折磨 She suffered from depression.
我是说 临床诊断的抑郁症 I mean, clinical depression.
真是一个可怕的疾病 It's a horrible disease.
深爱被困于深渊的人太艰难了 To love someone who lives in such a dark space
他们不可能回报同样的爱 that they can't possibly love you back,
我每天都承受着爱而不得的痛苦 to try and fail every day, it was impossible.
我迷茫不已 也努力过了 I just felt lost and I tried.
我真的 I just...
该死 Fuck.
她需要一个比我更坚强的人 It takes a lot stronger person than I was then.
但今天不是为安妮而来的 But today's not about Anne.
今天是为凯瑟琳而来的 Today's about Catherine.
好了 宝贝 And, all right, baby.
让我们开始吧 Let's rock and roll.
开始吧 Let's do it.
我钱包去哪儿了 弗兰克 Where's my wallet, Frank?
我之前是怎么教你的 Hey, what did I tell you about that?
叫爸爸 我是你爸爸 It's Dad, I'm your dad.
所以你把我钱包放哪儿了 Now where did you put my wallet?
我想吃汉堡王 I want Burger King.
是吗 你猜怎么着 Yeah, well you know what?
我还想要时光机和避孕套呢 I want a time machine and some condoms.
但又能怎么样 算了我不是那个意思 But I, you know what, I didn't mean that.
我不是故意的 我道歉 I didn't, I'm sorry.
你认真的吗 For real?
抱歉 儿子 Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
我以为你在里面出什么事儿了 I thought maybe something was wrong.
才没有 你为什么会这么想 No, why would you think that?
因为你已经在里面 Well, you've been in there an awful--
-老妈 把门关上 -好的 抱歉 亲爱的 - Mom, close the door. - Okay, sorry, honey.
-再见 -再见 - Bye. - Bye.
我的老天爷啊 Jesus Christ.
欢迎来到卷卷乐 我能为您效劳吗 先生 Welcome to Do the Twist, can I help you, sir?
好的 我想要个去盐的 宝贝你呢 Yeah, I'll have an unsalted and babe?
我想要个蒜香帕马森干酪味的 谢谢 Oh, um, just a Parmesan and garlic, please.
谢谢 好的 Thank you. Okay.
天哪 看看这是谁来了 Oh shit, look who it is.
好久不见 Long time no see.
欧文 你还记得梅格吗 Oh, Owen, you remember Meg, right?
斯科特的妹妹 Um, Scott's sister?
是的 你好 梅格 Oh yeah, right, hi, Meg.
我喜欢你发的照片 Um, I love your photography.
你发在脸书上的所有东西我都看了 I've been seeing everything you've been posting on Facebook.
简直太棒了 It's incredible.
-谢谢夸奖 -不用 - Thank you. - Yeah.
谢谢 Thanks.
-你俩是结婚了吗 -是的 - You guys got married, right? - We did.
-是的 -恭喜啊 - Yeah. - Congrats.
-谢谢 -别 我请客 - Yeah, thanks. - Oh no, those are on me.
天哪 谢谢 Oh my gosh, thank you.
-没事的 -你真贴心 - Of course. - That's so sweet.
罗里的事我感到很抱歉 So sorry to hear about Rory.
斯科特跟我提过你们很亲近 Scott mentioned you guys were close.
-是这样 -你有听说他回家了吗 - Yeah. - Did you hear he's home?
谁 斯科特吗 Who is, Scott?
是啊 这个败家子上周刚回 Yeah, the prodigal son returned last week.
顺便说一下 我今晚要去看 I'm seeing him tonight
他在统治者酒吧的演出 at Governor's by the way.
-等等 在统治者酒吧吗 -我知道 - Wait, at Governor's? - I know.
我自从因为乱喊被赶走后就再也没去过了 I haven't been back there since I got kicked out for yelling
"我妈妈逮到你对着等身芭比娃娃打手枪" My mom caught you jerking off on my life-sized Barbie.
你们两个有孩子吗 Do you guys have any babies yet or?
天哪 没有 Oh god, no.
我们 还没有 We, not yet.
我们可能得走了 Well, we should probably get going.
是的 我们是该走了 Yeah, yeah, we should.
很高兴看到你 It's good to see you.
喜剧
再次把掌声送给皮特·卡瓦隆 Give another round of applause again for Pet Cavalon.
皮特·卡瓦隆 Pete Cavalon.
很好 Alright.
刚刚那家伙真有趣 Yeah, that was a real funny guy.
现在让我们继续嗨起来 All right, let's keep this thing rolling
欢迎土生土长的长岛人 with Long Island's very own
斯科特·罗林斯先生 Mr. Scott Rollins.
快上台来 斯科特 Come on up here, Scott.
统治者酒吧
快 让他听见你们的掌声 掌声再大点 Come on, let him hear you, let him hear you.
谢谢 我的荣幸 Thank you, oh please, let me.
大家今晚好吗 How is everybody tonight?
很好 很好 Good, good, good.
这太疯狂了 我20多岁以后 Um, it's crazy 'cause I haven't been on this stage
就没站上这个舞台了 since I was in my 20s.
我现在已经30多岁了 And I am in my 30s now.
我知道 看起来不像对吧 I know, I know, it probably doesn't look like it, right?
我看起来至少70多岁了 I look like I'm at least mid-70s.
但我现在确实30多岁了 But I am in my 30s right now
我发现20多岁和30多岁 and I feel like there's so many differences
有很大区别 between your 20s and your 30s,
因为当我20多岁的时候 'cause when I was in my 20s,
我常常思考 I used to think to myself, oh,
这个周末我要做点什么 what am I gonna do this weekend, right?
现在我30多岁了 And now that I'm in my 30s,
我现在在想 我的人生该做点什么 I'm thinking, oh, what am I gonna do with my life?
♪ 我们不会忍气吞声 ♪ ♪ We're not gonna take it ♪
♪ 对 我们不会忍气吞声 ♪ ♪ No, we ain't gonna take it ♪
鲸尾酒吧 西长岛\h\h1975
♪ 我们再也不要忍了 ♪ ♪ We're not gonna take it anymore ♪
什么时候才轮到我 Hey, when am I up?
他们太可怕了 They're horrible.
你刚刚唱完 You were just up.
是的 但我点了6首歌 你知道吗 Yeah, but I put in for like six things, you know?
我还有别的事 Come on, I gotta go.
恭喜你 在你之前还有其他人 Yeah, congratulations, there are other people before you.
我们每周都要经历这个 We go through this every week.
放手 快放手 Hey, hey, hey, stop that, stop that.
我不记得我点了什么歌 I don't remember what I put in for.
我点过《伦敦象鼻虫》吗 Did I do "Weevils of London" yet?
再说一遍 我们没有这首歌 Again, we don't have that.
你怎么可能没有 How could you not have...
-马蒂你在搞什么 -对不起 - Seriously, Marty? - Oh, I'm sorry.
-搞什么 -我帮你 对不起 - What the fuck? - No, I got it, sorry.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
也许你该回家了 Maybe you should just go home.
我在家 I am home.
大家都知道我的名字 Everybody knows my name.
-我不知道你名字 -格伦 你知道 - I don't know your name. - You know my name, Glen.
过来 Hey, come over here,
我们一起唱个《机器人先生》 we'll do a little "Mr. Roboto" together.
不可能 No way.
你总抢麦 You hog the mic.
你管它叫抢麦 You call it hogging the mic,
我称之为 给人们唱想听的东西 I call it giving the people what they want.
你确实总抢麦 You are a mic hog.
我和你一起唱 But I'll sing with you.
格伦你出局了 Hey, you're out, Glen.
我从没进过你的局 I was never in.
说中的请举手 By show of hands,
谁和他们的父母住在一起 who here actually lives with their parents?
好吧 只有我一个人 没有其他人了吗 Okay, that's just me, nobody else?
好吧 没关系 All right, that's fine.
我觉得如果你到我这个年纪还付不起房租 I feel like when you're my age and you can't pay rent,
你只有两个选择 和父母住在一起 your only two options are live with your parents
或者无家可归 or become homeless.
老实说 我想我做了错误的选择 And honestly, I think I made the wrong choice.
确实 我本可以更开心的 对吧 I do, I'd be so much happier, right?
因为如果你无家可归 'Cause when you're homeless
如果你在浴室待上超过五分钟 and you're in the bathroom for more than five minutes,
你妈妈才不会温柔地敲门问 your mom doesn't gently knock on the door
一切都还好吗 and be like is everything okay in there?
我老爸 他不在这 Um, yeah, um, my dad is, he's not here, right?
我爸爸迷恋熊 这太疯狂了 My dad is obsessed with bears, it's insane.
我几乎可以肯定 是因为 And I'm almost positive it's because
有一次他看完《荒野猎人》后觉得 he saw "The Revenant" one time and he's like, oo, I get it.
我想和熊上床 I wanna fuck a bear.
♪ 你好奇怪 ♪ ♪ You're weird ♪
♪ 满脸泪水 ♪ ♪ In tears ♪
♪ 忽远忽近 ♪ ♪ Too near and too far away ♪
♪ 他说 ♪ ♪ He said ♪
♪ 看到红色 ♪ ♪ Saw red ♪
♪ 就回家躺一天 ♪ ♪ Went home stayed in bed all day ♪
♪ T恤衫 ♪ ♪ T-Shirt's ♪
♪ 碟子上的污垢 ♪ ♪ Dish dirt ♪
♪ 总是爱上你伤害的人 ♪ ♪ Always love the one you hurt ♪
♪ 你睡觉 ♪ ♪ You sleep ♪
♪ 睡太深 ♪ ♪ Too deep ♪
♪ 一周后就是另一个世界 ♪ ♪ One week is another world ♪
♪ 大嘴巴 ♪ ♪ Big mouth ♪
♪ 退学了 ♪ ♪ Drop out ♪
♪ 你得到了应有的惩罚 ♪ ♪ You get what you deserve ♪
超级明星 Oh, superstar.
-过来抱抱 -谢谢你 - Come here. - Thank you.
谢谢你 Thank you.
-我想说 你们是不是 -是啊 - I mean, right? - Yeah.
-你 -我怎么了 - You know, you. - What?
真的真的真的很普通 Are really, really, really mediocre.
最后 Wow, at the end.
我以为你会说些好话 I thought you were gonna say something nice
最后你却让我扎心了 and at the end, you just pegged it.
不 等等 No, wait.
胡说 Screw that.
你他妈的很棒 You were fucking great.
谢谢你 鲁伊斯 我很感激 Thank you, Ruis, I appreciate it.
我想我应该再笑10秒 I guess I could've laughed like 10 seconds longer.
你知道墨菲也应该来吗 You know Murph was supposed to be here?
-墨菲 -是的 - Murph? - Yes.
但他的孩子 他说他的孩子吐了 But his kid, he said his kid was throwing up
还是怎样的 or something like that.
父母经常用这个撒谎 Oh, the classic the parent lie.
好吧 Fine, fine.
我的另一个朋友也该来的 One of my other friends was supposed to come
但我不知道发生了什么 but I don't know what happened.
-别担心 -我的表演很好 对吧 - Oh, don't worry about it. - It was good, right?
-是的 -确实很好对吧 - Yeah. - It was, right?
-是的 -这不一样 - Yeah. - It's different.
因为在加州 一切都很压抑 'Cause in California, it's all depressing all the time.
但这里 灯光很闪 一切都感觉很好 But here, yes, it was snapping and it all felt good.
你知道吗 你身上从头到脚 Yeah, well you know, you got that whole
都散发着纽约的那种混蛋气息 New York asshole thing going on for you.
对不起 那是另一种恭维吗 I am sorry, was that another compliment?
不 我明明在骂你混蛋 I, no, because I called you an asshole.
-可能吧 听起来是好话 -你太有趣了 - Right, it felt good. - You were so funny.
非常感谢 Thank you, I appreciate it.
谢谢 Thanks.
谢谢你们能来 Thanks for coming.
对不起 Oh, I'm sorry.
你有粉丝了 伙计 You got groupies, man.
请嫁给他 Marry him, please.
你为什么不马上嫁给他 Why are you not just marrying him immediately?
他非常支持我 He's incredibly supportive of me.
你说完了吗 Are you done?
我说完了 I'm done, yes.
我们要去鲸尾酒吧喝一杯 We're going to the Whale's Tail for a drink.
-你想来吗 -一起去吧 - You wanna come? - Let's go.
我想回家 继续写点笑话 I think I'm gonna go home, work on some of my jokes.
-好吧 -对 - Okay. - Yeah.
-伙计你真棒 -做你该做的去吧 - That's good, man. - You do you.
真他妈的太棒了 That's fucking awesome.
-专注 对吧 -我正在努力 - Focus, right? - I'm doing it.
-专注 -专注 就像你说的 - Focus. - Focus, just like you said.
-我也是 -爱你 鲁伊斯 - Me too. - I love you, Ruis.
但不是今晚 But not tonight.
-爱你 鲁伊斯 -我也爱你 斯科特 - I love you, Ruis. - I love you too, Scotty.
-再见 你真棒 -回头见 伙计 - Goodbye, good job. - I'll see you later, man.
发送消息给 马蒂 不许说笑话抖包袱 刚刚你在哪
已发送
新消息来自 小贝 你今晚超棒 不好意思我提前离场了 有空聊聊吗
你好 我是斯科特 Hey, this is Scott.
请在哔声后留言 Leave a message after the beep.
听到这个声音 At the tone,
请把你的留言录下来 please record your message.
录完后 你可以挂断电话 When you finish recording, you may hang up
或者按1获得更多选项 or press one for more options.
斯科特 我是马蒂 Scott, it's Marty.
我真的很抱歉昨晚错过你的演出 孩子 I'm really sorry I missed your show last night, kid.
我真的很想去 I really wanted to be there.
我都计划好了 I planned on it.
但昨天有很多工作要做 But work was, it was a lot yesterday.
我回到家就在沙发上睡着了 And I got home and I just fell asleep on the couch.
我只是 I just, you know...
罗林斯 我刚刚在胡扯 You know what, Rollins, that was bullshit.
那都是胡扯的 That was just bullshit.
事实是 我浪费了一晚上 The truth is the night got away from me
我真的很抱歉 and I'm really sorry that it did.
但我下场一定去 我向你保证 好吗 But I will be at the next one, I promise you that, okay?
有空聊 Let's talk soon.
我是马蒂 This is Marty.
你还在当摄影师还是 Are you still doing photography or?
太蠢了 That's stupid.
你好 贝琪 Hey, Becky.
你好 贝琪 好久不见了 Hey, Becky, long time.
-斯科特 -所以在咱家 - Hey, Scotty. - So we're never gonna be
永远没有人敲门 是吗 a knocking family, are we?
我只是想来问你 Well, I just wanted to see
想不想喝热巧克力 if you wanted some hot chocolate.
我正在给你爸爸和我自己做一些 I'm making some for your father and me.
老妈 Ma.
瞧瞧你自己 Oh, look at you.
你今天有工作面试吗 Do you have a job interview today?
不 我只是要去和一个朋友吃午饭 No, I'm just getting lunch with a friend.
是要去约会吗 Oh, is this a date?
不 老妈 这不是约会 No, Mom, it's not a date.
好吧 你走之前要不要喝点热巧克力 Well, would you want some hot chocolate before you go?
不用了 No, no no no.
除非 那上面有那种小棉花糖吗 Unless, do we have those tiny marshmallows?
斯科特 你知道的 Scotty, you know
我一定会做那种小棉花糖的 I always have those tiny marshmallows.
那我很想喝点热巧克力 I would love some hot chocolate.
老妈 我看起来还好吧 Mom, do I look all right?
你看起来超帅 You look so handsome.
别过来 Don't.
马蒂 转身 Marty, just turn around.
别这样 Come on.
亚当 我只是想和你谈谈 Adam, I just want to talk to you.
你想让我怎么做 I mean, what do you want me to do?
我要你永远不要出现在我家 I want you to never show up at my house
或者我的公司 或者任何我会在的地方 or my job or anywhere else where I may be.
也包括朋友们的守灵 And yes, that includes friends' wakes.
说真的 搞什么 I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
我一直很喜欢罗里 I always liked Rory.
他是个好孩子 我为他感到难过 He was a good kid and I felt bad about him
但我真的很想见你 but I really wanted to see you.
朱尔斯 Hey, Jules,
我马上就过来 好吗 I'll be in in one minute, okay, pal?
-背靠背拥抱 -背靠背拥抱 - Backwards hug. - Backwards hug.
我马上就来 好吗 I'm gonna be in there in one minute okay, pal?
-好吧 -好 - Okay. - All right.
他长大了 He got big.
孩子们都会长大 Yeah, kids do that.
我做了蓝莓薄饼 就放在车里 I made blueberry pancakes, they're in the car.
我想或许我们可以 I thought maybe we could have--
没人想吃你该死的薄饼 Nobody wants your fucking pancakes.
现在转身 回到你那破车里去 Now just turn around, get back in your ridiculous car--
可我是他爷爷 I'm his grandfather.
不 马蒂 你不是 No, Marty, you're not.
他不可能有机会认识你 There's no reason for him to know you.
亚当 你要是不给我机会 Adam, I can't fix this
我怎么修复我们的关系 if you don't give me a chance.
我不需要你修复任何关系 I don't want you to fix anything.
-我妈妈 -吞药自杀了 - My mother - Ate a bottle of pills.
是的 她那么做了 Yeah, she did.
因为活着对她来说实在是太痛苦了 Because it was just too painful for her to be here anymore.
听着 你妈妈 上帝保佑她灵魂安息 And listen, your mother, God rest her soul--
到上周她已经去世12年整了 12 years ago, last week.
这个你还记得吗 Did you know that?
当然 Yeah, of course.
我当然记得 Of course I know.
你妈妈病得很重 Your mother was a very sick person.
她的死与我无关 It had nothing to do with me.
她去世前 Every time I'd walk in the house,
每天当我走进屋子 she'd disappear just a little bit more
都感觉她在一点点消逝 every day until she was gone.
我也曾想要帮助她 我试过 可是没用 And I tried to help her, I did, but I couldn't do it.
以至于现在 It got to the point where I couldn't walk
我都没法清醒着走进屋子里去 into the house sober anymore.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
我知道我做了什么 I know what I did.
-我也知道我以前是什么样的人 -不 - I know who I was. - No.
别用这种过去时描述你自己 No, there's no past tense with you.
你以前知道她生病了 You knew she was sick.
你刚刚自己说了你知道 You just said you knew and
但你还是出去乱搞别的女人 you still fucked another woman.
我没有出去乱搞别的女人 I didn't just fuck another woman.
凯瑟琳不是别的女人 Catherine was not just another woman.
我爱上她了 真的很抱歉 I fell in love, I'm sorry.
不 你出轨了 No, you cheated.
你还酗酒 沉迷赌博 And you drank and you gambled.
我为过去做的这些错事感到羞愧 And I'm ashamed of all of that.
那真是好啊 Good.
不好意思 马蒂 I'm sorry, Marty,
但我今天肯定不会让你如愿了 but I'm not gonna give you what you're looking for today.
明白了吗 Okay?
知道了 Okay.
你为什么就不能正常地跟我说话呢 Why can't you just talk to me like a person?
哪怕 You know?
10分钟也行啊 10 minutes.
人就不能挽回一些事吗 Can't someone unfuck something?
你不能 Not you.
至少不是现在 Not now.
我能问你个小问题吗 Hey, can I ask you a question real quick?
可以啊 Sure.
-你喜欢你的工作吗 -我热爱我的工作 - Do you like your job? - Oh, I love it.
-真的吗 -这是最好的工作 - Really? - It's the greatest job.
我可能是这个世界上最快乐的邮差 I might be the happiest mailman in the world.
-你喜欢这份工作 -这工作特别棒 - You like it? - It's a great job.
祝你今天愉快哦 Have a great day.
你真的热爱你的工作吗 You for real love your job?
再好不过了 It's fantastic.
-你有兴趣吗 -没有 - Are you interested? - No.
好吧 Okay.
这真的是成年人的房子啊 This is like a real adult house.
一个34岁的老男人如是说 Says the 34 year old man.
我心理年龄只有 Yeah with the emotional maturity level
13岁 of a 13 year old boy.
我挺喜欢这房子的 Yeah, I mean, I like it.
虽然空间有点大 It's a little big, I guess.
就好比说 客厅里 But I mean, like, there's a guitar just chilling
搁着把吉他 in the living room, you know?
也不知道干嘛用的 What is that there for?
我也不弹 It's like, I don't play.
欧文也不弹 Owen doesn't play.
就这么搁在那儿 It's just sitting there.
他觉得这样挺有格调的 I don't know, he thinks it's classy.
是挺有格调的 It is classy.
非常有格调 That is very classy.
当我走进这屋子 搞不懂这里 When I came in, I was like, I don't know about this...
这是个有格调的房子 Oh, this is a classy place.
-你懂我意思吧 -懂了 - Know what I mean? - Yeah, totally.
-谢谢你的茶 -不客气 - Thanks for the tea. - Yeah.
你摄影事业现在咋样了 How's your photography going?
不好说 你自己看看吧 I don't know, you tell me.
是你拍的吗 That's you?
-那些都是你拍的吗 -是啊 - Those are you photographs? - Yes.
-真的吗 -是啊 - Are you serious? - Yes.
太棒了吧 These are amazing.
那张 你左手边那张 That one, actually, the one on the left,
前不久被《纽约客》收录了 that was in The New Yorker recently.
-这张被《纽约客》收录了吗 -对 - This was in The New Yorker? - Yeah.
-真的吗 -真的 - Are you serious? - Yes.
你就这么轻描淡写地说出来了 You just nonchalantly throw that out there?
-太棒了吧 -谢谢 - That's incredible. - Thanks.
欧文看起来也混得挺好的吧 And Owen seems to be doing well, right?
我听说他现在是个正式律师了 I heard he's a full-fledged lawyer now, so...
是的 He is.
没错 Yep.
他主攻娱乐法 He is entertainment law, so...
没准儿以后你还用得上他呢 Hey, maybe you could use him one time.
没准儿不会 Maybe not.
不会吗 No?
为什么 Why not?
-那那个 -发展协议吗 - What about the um - The development deal?
对啊 Yeah.
那其实是骗你的 That was actually a lie
我想在你心里留个好印象 I told to try to impress you.
我知道这很蠢 I know, it's stupid.
这显然成了我生命中新的难堪点 That's apparently a new wrinkle in my life.
现在我成了个骗子 I'm a liar now, so...
我不明白 I'm confused.
好吧 小贝 Well, Becks
已经很多年没有人这么叫过我了 No one's called me that in years.
斯科特 我们之间到底怎么了 Scott, what happened to us?
我们现在要谈这个吗 Wow, we're just going for it?
我不知道 Well, I mean, I don't know.
我们也可以继续瞎扯淡 We could continue bullshitting back and forth.
不不 你是对的 No, you're right, you're right,
你是对的 你是对的 you're right, you're right.
只是这个问题有点复杂 It's just a loaded question.
我不知道 I don't know.
是时候了 About time.
我四年来都想问你这个问题 I've been wanting to ask you that for like four years now.
在我看来 我们曾经很幸福 In my eyes, we were great.
是啊 Yeah.
但是你亲手扼杀了这份幸福 Then you just hit the self-destruct button.
我们没有吵架 也没有告别 There was no fight, no conversation.
-你就突然 -消失了 - You just - Disappeared.
你甚至连条短信都不回复 You wouldn't even respond to texts.
-我知道 -这又是为什么 - I know. - What is that?
哪怕回复我一个字也好啊 Like just like one word responses?
回复个"好的" "对不起" 也行啊 Like, yeah, sorry?
你知道这让人有多愤怒吗 Do you know how infuriating that is?
我从我们共同的朋友那里 I mean, I was getting bits and pieces of information
得知关于你的只言片语 from whatever friends we still had.
我还尝试着拼凑记忆 But I was just trying to piece together
去看我有没有做错一些什么 what I could have possibly done that--
你什么都没做错 什么都没有 You didn't do anything, you didn't do anything.
我向你发誓 I swear to you.
我看到我们身边的朋友从恋爱到结婚 I just saw all of our friends coupling up
就好像看到了我自己的人生轨迹 and getting married and I saw my own life trajectory.
一眼望得到头 I saw the whole thing.
婚姻 房子 孩子 我被吓到了 Marriage, house, kids, and it terrified me.
你说的这些我也看到了 Yeah, see, I saw all that too.
但我对此感到兴奋 But I was excited by it.
我也应该感到兴奋的 I should have been excited.
我也应该感到兴奋的 但我害怕了 I should have been excited, but I got scared.
我害怕了 所以我逃走了 And when I get scared, I run away.
靠 Fuck.
要是我当时没有离开呢 What if I never left?
怎么了 Hey, what?
你他妈怎么了 斯科特 What the hell, Scott?
-我很抱歉 -你又跑掉了 - I'm sorry, okay? - You're running again.
-不是的 -你真正意义上 - No. - You're like literally
-跑下了楼梯 -不是的 - running down the stairs. - No no no,
这次逃跑是正确的 but it's a good run, okay?
我刚刚突然顿悟了 I think I just had an epiphany.
顿悟什么了 What epiphany?
你在说什么啊 What are you talking about?
我不能一而再再而三地扰乱你的生活 I can't keep letting my bad decisions mess up your life.
这对你不公平 It's not fair, okay?
不 这是正确的 No, this is right, okay?
你对我来说就是对的人 You're right for me.
我们很适合 一直都是 We fit together, we always have.
不 我们不适合 No, we haven't.
操你大爷 Fuck you.
真的很抱歉 I'm sorry.
我靠 Fuck me.
狗日的 You son of a bitch.
欧文 我发誓 I swear, Owen...
操 Fuck.
兄弟 不是你想的那样 Dude, I swear it's not what it looks like.
扯淡 Bullshit.
天哪 你跑起来跟终结者一样 God, you run like the fucking Terminator.
傻逼 我高中是田径队的 I ran track in high school, you moron.
躲泳池里是吧 The pool?
你看过《警察》[电视剧] Haven't you ever seen "Cops"?
别别别 先听我说 No no no, listen to me.
欧文 Owen.
靠 Shit.
我操 Ah, fuck.
我从没被打过 I've never been punched before.
我也从没打过人 Ah, I've never punched anyone before.
我觉得你把我鼻子打断了 I think you broke my nose.
我觉得你把我手弄折了 I think you broke my hand.
我就知道总有一天会发生这事儿的 I knew that this would happen eventually.
我甚至都做过关于它的噩梦 I even had a nightmare about it.
你做过关于我们打架的噩梦 You had a nightmare about us fighting?
不是关于我们打架 Not about us fighting.
是关于失去她 About losing her.
我发誓 没人比我更希望你能在洛杉矶成功 I swear, nobody wanted you to succeed in LA more than I did.
我知道 你在那里混得越好 I knew that the better off you were out there,
我在这的生活就会越幸福 the happier I would be here.
我不知道该说些什么了 I don't know what to say, man.
我从没想过伤害 I didn't mean to hurt--
得了吧斯科特 我不关心你说了什么 Honestly, Scott, I don't care what you have to say.
我要回去听她要说什么 But I am gonna go see what she has to say.
斯科特 没有男人会希望自己爱的女人 Scott, no man wants the woman he loves
有一个离她而去的爱人 to have a one that got away.
尽管我们曾是朋友 这也是个小镇 I know that we used to be friends and this is a small town,
但我真的希望后会无期 but I truly hope I never see you again.
马蒂 你这个老婊砸 你真是个天才 Marty, you beautiful bastard, you're a genius,
你知道吗 do you know that?
我去小贝家了 事情很快就脱离控制了 I went over to Becks' and things got so crazy so quick.
听到留言给我回电 好吗 Give me a call back, okay?
这位先生 你不能过去 Sir, you can't go over there.
-那是我朋友 -先生 很抱歉 - No, that's my friend. - Sir, I'm sorry.
你不能过去 You're gonna have to stay back here.
-告诉我 他还好吗 -先生 我很抱歉 - Tell me, is he okay? - Sir, I'm sorry.
你不能过去 You're gonna have to stay back here.
告诉我他没事 Tell me he's okay.
尽管马丁的身体已经离开了 And while Martin's body is no longer with us
但在传统意义上 他的灵魂将永垂不朽 in a traditional sense, his soul is everlasting.
上帝对我们每个人都自有安排 God has a plan for each and every one of us
我们应当欣慰 and we should all take solace in knowing
马丁在一个更好的地方 that Martin is in a better place.
我们也应当宽慰 And we also find comfort in the knowledge
我们不是独自悲痛 that none of us is grieving alone.
-不 -你好 拉比[犹太教士] - No - Hey, rabbi?
请问我能说几句吗 Do you mind if I say a few words?
好吧 All right.
不好意思 Sorry.
抱歉 大家 Sorry, guys.
请原谅我的唐突 Sorry about this.
谢谢你 Thank you.
我刚刚才意识到你们大多数人 I am just now realizing that most of you
都不认识我 have no idea who I am.
我叫斯科特 I am Scott.
是马蒂的朋友 I was friends with Marty.
我们认识并不久 I didn't know him for all that long,
但我非常了解他 but I got to know him really well.
我去世的时候也希望 And I just know that when I die,
能有一个了解我的人来讲悼词 I want someone who knew me to speak.
我第一次见到马蒂时 I first met Marty
他正往洗手池里尿尿 when he was pissing into a sink.
-你还记得吗 -我记得 - Do you remember that? - Yeah.
他踮着脚 往洗手池里撒尿 He was pissing in the sink right on his tippy toes
像个怪胎 like a weirdo.
这是典型的马蒂会做的事 And that is classic Marty.
他绝对干得出来 That's classic Marty.
就在他撒完尿的时候 And right when he was done,
他注意到我胳膊上有皮肤病 he noticed that I had a skin condition on my arm.
当他得知我没钱治病以后 And when he found out that I couldn't pay for it,
就把药免费送我了 he just gave me the medicine for free.
我想 简言之 这就是马蒂 对吗 And I feel like that, that in a nutshell is Marty, right?
他有点疯 说过许多屁话 He's a little bit crazy, he talks a ton of shit.
但他心地很好 But he has an incredible heart.
他还是个大智若愚的人 And he's also sneaky wise.
他爱说简短的金句 He would say these little nuggets,
听过你就忘不了 and they would just stick with you.
比如有一次 他对我说 Like one time, he said to me,
"悔恨是唯一真实的情绪" "Regret is the only thing that's real."
我经常后悔 I regret a lot.
我想 我们都会这样 不是吗 I mean, we all do, right?
特别是你 I mean, especially you.
你在跟我开玩笑吗 Are you kidding me?
第三排的那个 Third row.
你怎么会 别看后面 How do you, don't look behind you.
我说的就是你 I'm talking about you.
穿着花衬衫参加葬礼 You're wearing a Hawaiian shirt to a funeral.
你怎么想的 What are you doing?
马蒂是个好人 Marty was a good man.
他让我懂得人是可以变好的 And he taught me that people can change.
我认为他正在慢慢变好 And I think he was on his way to doing just that.
我会非常想他的 I'm gonna miss him a lot.
我想我们都会非常想念他 I think we're all gonna miss him a lot.
好了 谢谢大家 All right, thank you.
-我还没有 -好的 好的 - I don't even. - Yeah, yeah.
-谢谢 -谢谢你能来 - Thanks. - Thank you for coming.
-谢谢你 -谢谢你能来 - Thank you. - Thank you for coming.
你好 Hey, man.
我想过来说一声节哀 I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss.
好的 Yeah.
我 抱歉 我忘了你的名字 I, sorry, I forgot your name.
-斯科特 -斯科特 是的 没错 - Scott. - Scott, right, yeah.
你的父亲是个大好人 Your dad was a great man.
不 No.
他不是 No, he wasn't.
-再见 -好的 再见 - See you. - Yeah, see you.
你是马蒂的女儿吗 Are you Marty's daughter?
是的 我叫泰勒 Yeah, I'm Taylor.
你是那个相声演员吗 You the comedian?
相声演员 Comedian.
是的 Yeah.
你是从附近过来的吗 还是 Are you from around here or?
不是 我是从泽西岛过来的 No, I'm a Jersey girl.
大学毕业后我就搬去斯巴达了 Moved to Sparta after college.
那天爸爸来过我家 My dad stopped by my house the other day.
就在车祸前几个小时 A few hours before the crash.
-真的吗 -真的 - Seriously? - Yeah.
那次碰面很愉快 It was nice.
意料之外 但很愉快 Unexpected, but nice.
爸爸说之后他要去亚当家 Said he was going to Adam's next.
那他去了吗 Did he make it over there?
亚当说没有 Adam says no.
他在你家的时候有没有 When he was there, did he seem...
醉到会开着凯迪拉克冲进披萨店里吗 Drunk enough to barrel a Cadillac into a pizza place?
没有 实际上 有趣的是 他非常清醒 No, actually, fun fact, he was stone cold sober.
是的 Yeah.
是因为心脏病 It was a heart attack.
他说他真的已经改过自新了 Said he was actually getting his shit together.
我是说 虽然以前他也这么说过 但 I mean, not like I haven't heard that before but...
节哀 Sorry.
为我的皮肤科医生去世这么感伤 Is it weird that I'm getting emotional
我是不是很奇怪 over my dermatologist?
我是说 你是他的女儿 I mean, it's your dad.
我已经为马蒂流了太多泪了 I've shed plenty of Marty-inspired tears.
相信我 Trust me.
很高兴能和你谈谈 It was really nice to talk to you in there.
是的 Yeah.
是的 我很高兴马蒂变了这么多 Yeah, it's kinda nice to know that Marty
还能交到新朋友 had his shit together enough to make a new friend.
好吧 我不认为他完全改过自新了 Well, I wouldn't say he had his shit together.
是的 毕竟谁能真的做到呢 对吗 Yeah well, who really does, right?
是的 Right.
遇见你很高兴 It was really nice meeting you.
遇见你太高兴了 So nice to meet you.
-好吧 下次见 -下次见 - Okay, I'll see you. - Yeah.
好的 Okay.
斯科特 Oh, hey, Scott.
晚餐你有什么推荐吗 Do you have any good dinner recommendations?
我好多年没回这里了 I haven't been back on the island in years.
泰勒 你是做什么的 So, Taylor, what do you do for a living?
我吗 Me?
我在邮局工作 I work for the post office.
-真的吗 -是吗 - You do? - Really?
是的 Yeah.
是的 我不算热爱 Yeah, I mean, I don't love it,
但它收入稳定 待遇不错 but it's steady money, good benefits.
你竟然在邮局工作 You work for the post office?
是的 你为什么这个腔调 Yes, why are you saying it like that?
这是我的朋友鲁伊斯 他也在政府工作 My friend Ruis here, he works for the government too.
真的吗 Is that right?
那是当然 Hell yeah.
保护公众 服务社会 Protect and serve.
我希望你们会喜欢这个 Now, I hope y'all are gonna like this.
我打包票这很棒 妈妈 I'm sure it's fantastic, Mom.
但首先 来吗 But first, shall we?
-把它放进去就好了吗 -对 放进去 - Now, do we just drop it in? - Yeah, you just drop it in.
好了 敬马蒂 All right, to Marty.
敬马蒂 To Marty.
丢 Bombs away.
-要快速喝掉它 -拜托 - You gotta drink it fast. - Please.
给我吧 Give it to me.
-再敬一次吗 -不 - Should we do another? - No.
好啊 Yeah.
今天早上我看到那些窗户了 I saw the screen this morning.
看起来很棒 It looked good.
-我把它们都封好了 -是的 - Got 'em all sealed. - Yeah.
颜色很好看 That's a good stain.
今年夏天我打算把整个前廊都翻修一下 Think I might do the whole front porch this summer.
是吗 Yeah?
需要帮忙的话尽管叫我 Let me know if you need any help.
我会的 I will.
那个 鲁伊斯他说 You know, Ruis, he said
那天晚上你很有趣 you were pretty funny the other night.
鲁伊斯很棒 Well, Ruis is awesome.
他真的很棒 He really is.
-太棒了 -亲爱的 - Great. - Honey.
-真棒 -太好了 - Yay. - Great.
马蒂
滚吧 混蛋
我们都不满意
♪ 我曾说我是你的朋友 ♪ ♪ I said I'll be your friend ♪
♪ 永远是你的朋友 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我们在一起 时常共经历 ♪ ♪ With you, there is no end ♪
♪ 人生起起落落 ♪ ♪ Up and down the hill ♪
♪ 早上我倾听你说话 ♪ ♪ I hear you talking in the morning ♪
♪ 晚上也是 ♪ ♪ Talking in the evening ♪
♪ 就算是独自一人的时候 ♪ ♪ Even when there's no one else ♪
♪ 我也真的仍然需要你 ♪ ♪ It's true I need you still ♪
♪ 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我的朋友 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ 我曾说我会支持你 ♪ ♪ I said I'd have your back ♪
♪ 我一直在支持你 ♪ ♪ And I always do ♪
♪ 是的 你知道我仍在支持你 ♪ ♪ Yeah, you know I still do ♪
♪ 我曾说我会为你分担 ♪ ♪ I said I'd cut you slack ♪
♪ 你知道我没有说谎 ♪ ♪ And you know it's true ♪
♪ 是的 你知道我没有说谎 ♪ ♪ Yeah, you know it's true ♪
♪ 早上我听见你给我打电话 ♪ ♪ I hear you calling in the morning ♪
♪ 晚上也是 ♪ ♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ 就算是独自一人的时候 ♪ ♪ Even when there's no one there ♪
♪ 我也真的仍然需要你 ♪ ♪ It's true, I need you still ♪
♪ 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我的朋友 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 我会再次见到你 ♪ ♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 你曾说一切都实现了 ♪ ♪ You said it all worked out ♪
♪ 我知道一定能实现 ♪ ♪ And I know it will ♪
♪ 我坚信它会实现 ♪ ♪ I believe it will ♪
♪ 你从未怀疑 ♪ ♪ You never had a doubt ♪
♪ 人生起起落落 ♪ ♪ Up and down the hill ♪
♪ 早上我倾听你说话 ♪ ♪ I hear you talking in the morning ♪
♪ 晚上也是 ♪ ♪ Talking in the evening ♪
♪ 就算独自一人的时候 ♪ ♪ Even when there's no one there ♪
♪ 我也真的仍然需要你 ♪ ♪ It's true I need you still ♪
♪ 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我的朋友 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 我会再次见到你 ♪ ♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 我会再次见到你 人生起起落落 ♪ ♪ I'll be seeing you again, up and down the hill ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 晚上给我打电话 ♪ ♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 我会再次见到你 ♪ ♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 晚上给我打电话 ♪ ♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪
♪ 我会再次见到你 ♪ ♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ 我永远需要你 ♪ ♪ And I always will ♪
♪ 我的老朋友 ♪ ♪ My old friend ♪