(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
The train is in. It is Paris, madame.
Call me in the morning.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Everybody off the train!
Just when I was getting to like the old place, too.
(TRAIN WHISTLE CONTINUES)
Well!
So this, as they say, is Paris, huh?
Yes, madame.
Well, from here it looks an awful lot like a rainy night in Kokomo, Indiana.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Well, let's wade in.
Can I get your luggage?
I wish you would.
Where is it?
Municipal Pawnshop, Monte Carlo.
So long, handsome!
Taxi, monsieur! Taxi.
Taxi. Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.
Taxi, madame! Taxi! Taxi.
Taxi, madame. Taxi?
No, thank you.
Taxi? Taxi?
Taxi, madame? No.
Madame enjoys the rain, huh?
Here's how things stand.
I could have you drive me all around town, and then tell you I left my purse home
on the grand piano.
There's no grand piano, no home and the purse,
25 centimes with a hole in it. That's what's left of the Peabody stake.
Oh, you have no money, huh?
That's right.
I need a taxi to find myself a job. I need a job to pay for the taxi.
No taxi, no job. No job, no soap.
But if I do promote one, I'll pay you twice what the meter says, see?
Double or nothing. You'll give me the honor
of driving you around while you look for a job, huh?
That's it. And for that you'll pay me double?
Oh, and a great big-daddy tip.
Oh, that sounds like good business!
What do you say?
I say no.
Taxi?
Get in!
No!
Get in!
Only now you don't get that tip.
What kind of work do you want?
Well, at this time of night and in these clothes,
I'm not looking for needlework.
It'd be easier to drink this than read it.
Here we are. Nightclubs.
What are you, a dancer?
Did you ever hear of Eve Peabody, the famous American blues singer?
Nope.
Confidentially, she didn't get to be a blues singer
till she stepped into your cab.
Oh, let's try the Bal Tabarin.
Oh, you have to be pretty good to work there.
Say, do you always travel in an evening dress?
No, I was wearing this in Monte Carlo when a nasty accident occurred.
What happened, a fire?
No.
The roulette system I was playing collapsed under me.
I left the casino with what I had on my back.
Say, is that your last cigarette?
Want it? Thanks.
Matches? No, I got 'em.
Monte Carlo booby prize.
(EVE SINGING)
Well, that's the smallest.
I guess mine is strictly a bathtub voice.
Aren't you wet through?
How far do you think "through" is for a woman these days?
Well, where to now?
Oh, no. Eighty francs is enough, Skipper.
I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
That's all right. Where to now?
Back to the station.
What are you going to do back there?
Sit in the waiting room.
Waiting for what?
For tomorrow morning.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
This isn't the station! I'm going to buy you
a cheap dinner.
Listen, you lost a gamble. You don't have to feed it.
I don't like to think of a woman sitting around a station
with an empty stomach!
Oh, I know! This is the pumpkin coach
and you're the Fairy Godmother! Cut that stuff out.
It's raining. Come on! Okay, Skipper.
Oh, wait! I forgot my hat.
I wouldn't have taken oysters, only I thought they were on the regular dinner, honest.
Forget it.
No, it was a dirty trick, Skipper.
Say, what's your name? I'm tired of calling you Skipper.
Czerny is the name. Tibor Czerny.
Tea what? Tibor. Tibor Czerny.
I'm Hungarian. Where I come from, they'd think Eve Peabody
is a funny name. Oh, yeah?
May I?
Oh, sure.
Taxi?
What goes on?
They're beating up the guy that yelled taxi.
Why? He didn't want a taxi.
Then why did he yell for one?
Because I paid him 5 francs.
I'm running into money, Mr. Czerny.
I wish you'd stop talking about money. I'm a rich man.
You? Sure. I need 40 francs a day
and I make 40 francs.
What about that rainy day when it comes?
On a rainy day, I make double.
No bank account, no real estate, no possessions.
Three handkerchiefs, two shirts, one tie, no worries.
Oh, you're talking like a fool.
Listen, if you want peace of mind, get yourself a taxicab.
(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)
No woman ever found peace in a taxi. I'm looking for a limousine.
They don't ride any better. Sugar?
They ride better than the subway.
I spent most of my life in a Bronx local.
Squeezed, trampled, stepped on.
One day I said to myself, "That's enough. You're going to get somewhere."
That's why I came abroad. I shipped to London in a can of imported chorines.
You know, most of those gals ended up with a lord or something.
Is that what you call getting somewhere?
It's a step in the right direction.
I landed a lord, almost.
Almost?
Well, the family got between us.
His mother came to my hotel and offered me a bribe.
You threw her out, I hope.
Well, how could I with my hands full of money?
You... You mean, you took the money?
Listen, I've got a few ideas about peace of mind myself.
I carried that cash straight down to Monte Carlo and played it to win.
And lost. Serves you right for wanting something for nothing.
All right. It took me years to realize you just don't fall into a tub of butter.
You jump for it.
You're the one that's talking like a fool now.
No hard feelings, Mr. Czerny?
No.
It's too bad, though.
Do you want some more wine?
Please.
(CAR RATTLING)
Say, we need some gas.
Where's that railroad station, anyway?
Oh, we've passed that. You're going to sleep at my place.
What was that?
I said you're going to sleep at my place.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Listen, I've got to drive this cab all night.
How do you expect me to keep my mind on my business,
knowing you haven't a roof over your head?
No thanks, Skipper.
Here is the key.
There's a shirt drying over the bathtub. You can sleep in that.
Be out by 7:00 in the morning. Put this under the mat.
No, you'd better keep the key.
Now, don't be a fool.
I've been a fool too long.
Listen, back in New York, whenever I managed
to crash a party full of luscious, big-hearted millionaires,
there was sure to be some snub-faced kid in the orchestra playing traps.
So, around 4:00 in the morning, when the wise girls were skipping off
to Connecticut to marry those millionaires, I'd be with him in some nightspot,
learning tricks on the kettledrum.
And he always had a nose like yours.
Is there anything wrong with my nose?
Yes, I like it.
Do you mind?
We're no good for each other, Skipper. We're going in different directions.
That's what you think.
Oh, come on now.
Turn the cab around.
Nope.
(CAR RATTLING)
You'd better feed this thing.
Your rear tire looks bad.
Never had a puncture in my life.
Permit me, madame.
Very unfortunate, this rain, madame.
It always rains when Stephanie gives one of her dull parties.
Even nature weeps.
Edouart, stop scratching.
I'm not scratching, Simone. I think I forgot the admission cards.
Admission cards? Stephanie will have them for her own funeral just to keep it chic.
(CHATTERING)
(WOMAN SINGING)
Your wrap, madam.
Oh, yes.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(DOG BARKING)
I'm so sorry.
Is this taken?
No, madam.
Thank you.
My dear friends,
the next offering in our little musical program
will be Chopin's 11th Étude, as played by our dear, dear friend,
Prince Potopienko.
It is the 12th Étude, ma chére.
Before we go any further, I'd like your attention one moment more.
Is there anybody in this room named Eve Peabody?
No?
Well, does anyone here know a Miss Eve Peabody?
Well, I won't trouble the rest of you any further.
Now, my dear. Chopin's 11th Prélude.
It is the 12th and it is an étude.
What's the matter, darling?
Some woman got in here
with this pawn ticket.
Madame?
A word with you. With me?
Yes, with you.
I thought so.
Well, all right, let's get it over with.
I've had my eye on you from the moment you came in.
And I should have known better.
You were trying to sneak out, weren't you?
Well, I thought if I went quietly...
Don't apologize. You are not the only one. There are three of us in rebellion
against that music. Come on.
You do play bridge, don't you?
Yes.
Good.
But why did you pick on me?
You looked charming. You looked bored.
You looked as though you can trump your partner's ace.
Better wipe the rouge off your mouth.
I've got one.
Madame Flammarion, may I present Madame...
How do you do? How do you do, madame?
Madame... Czerny.
Madame Czerny? Yes.
May I present Jacques Picot.
One of the most dangerous men in the room.
Paid advertisement.
How do you do? EVE: How do you do?
Shall we cut?
Well, is nobody going to introduce me?
Oh, this is Marcel Renard.
He is... How would you describe yourself, Marcel?
I'm a telephone worshipper.
A what?
Whenever a day comes without an invitation,
I pray to my telephone as though it were a little black god.
I beg of it to speak to me. To ask me out somewhere.
Anywhere where there's caviar and champagne.
Well, what are we playing for?
Buttons?
Our usual stakes, 5 francs a point?
5 francs?
5 francs is a bit tepid.
If you'd care to make them higher...
Oh, no! No. No, it makes no difference to me.
Jacques, are you free tomorrow afternoon?
I am.
Jacques?
Of course, my dear. What is it?
I saw Simone inside. She says her autumn collection of hats
is simply divine.
Will you go with me?
Love to.
Two spades. Pass.
I don't want to buy another hat that you don't like, my dear.
You mean the one like a duster? I'm against feathers.
What's your bid? Pass.
What?
But you can't pass when your partner said two spades.
That means she's got a glorious hand. Now it's wasted.
Now I know why you called him dangerous.
Shall I get you a revolver, Madame Czerny?
I'm terribly sorry. It's difficult to concentrate on cards... sometimes.
Naturally, when you're worrying about the future of the ostrich plume.
I don't think that's very funny.
I do.
Well, thanks.
(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)
JACQUES: I'm afraid we're down 900, partner.
EVE: Is that all?
Well, it looks like a landslide for us.
I don't know whether you should be flattered or annoyed, madame.
Jacques usually plays an excellent game.
Tennis or golf?
Madame, please.
Sorry. How is the musical evening progressing?
Dull as ever?
On the contrary.
You always did have a horrid weakness for Chopin.
Madame Czerny, this is my husband.
How do you do? How do you do?
This time, Chopin was seasoned with a pinch of Arsène Lupin.
A mysterious intruder has crept in among the guests
with the aid of a bogus invitation.
I thought the big idea was to get away from this party, not into it.
You're American, aren't you?
Yes. One club.
Hungarian descent?
Scotch, Irish and Choctaw.
No bid. Czerny, though, Czerny...
You know, that's Hungarian.
Oh, that's not my name. Three clubs.
Oh, isn't it? No, except by marriage.
Oh, then you're the wife of Baron Czerny.
Pass.
Of course, you know, the last time I saw him in St. Moritz,
he talked about an American girl. Where is he now?
Oh, back in Budapest.
He's not very well. You know, the old trouble.
Too bad! Helene, you should see Budapest. It's the most enchanting city.
Except, of course, for the subway. Did they ever finish that?
The... The streets are still a little torn up.
Really, Georges, we're trying to play bridge. Give the poor Baroness a chance to recoup.
Oh, sorry, my darling.
How about pulling ourselves together, partner?
Well, let's.
So far, we've played like strangers. Shall we throw caution to the wind?
That's the spirit! Come on. Hellity-larrup, neck or nothing.
You're wonderful.
You're magnificent.
You're talking across the board.
JACQUES: What's your bid?
MARCEL: Three no-trump. Double.
EVE: Hurray!
HELENE: Redouble. Pass.
MARCEL: Pass. JACQUES: Pass.
(HUMMING)
Eve! Eve, stop.
What do you mean, annoying my wife?
Well, you don't have to push me.
Say, I...
Stop that, sir!
Twenty-three and six and 14.
I make it 84.
That's right.
I'm sorry, Baroness. We had the spirit even if we didn't have the cards.
Oh, how much?
We are down 4,200 francs.
Where's my bag?
I may not have that much with me.
Pardon me. Is this yours, Baroness?
Yes, thank you.
If I can be of any service...
Oh, no, thanks.
You'll take my IOU, won't you?
Why? I'm so foolish. I completely forgot I went to the bank this afternoon.
How much did you say?
4,200 for each of us.
Good night, Your Highness. Thanks for a pleasant evening.
Good night. Good night, madame, thank you.
- Good night. - Good night.
Did you ever find that Eve Peabody, Stephanie?
Finally. I had her thrown out. She was a horrible old woman.
Roger found her in the powder room.
Imagine. You know, she claimed to be the Archduchess of Mendola.
Good night, Stephanie, dear.
Good night, darling.
Good night, dear. Good night.
Good night.
Is your car here?
No. I had some trouble with my chauffeur.
Then let me drop you.
We can take you, Baroness. Can't we?
May I place at your disposition a nice coupe with a leak in the roof?
Over which side? Yours!
Please. Here's my car. I insist.
All right. Where do you live?
At my hotel.
And that is?
I'll give you three guesses.
The Ritz?
Right the first time! The Ritz.
Good night!
MARCEL: Good night.
An attractive girl, isn't she?
Odd, her coming here alone.
I notice she didn't go home alone.
I'm sorry, my dear. I forgot my gloves.
Will you pardon me a moment?
Thank you so much. Don't bother to see me inside.
It's terribly late. Oh, no.
My mother taught me always to see a lady to her door.
Good night.
Oh, no.
You can't get rid of me as easily as that.
How do you know what dangers may lurk in the hotel lobby?
I know exactly what dangers lurk in hotel lobbies.
Come on.
I'm going to stay in the lobby for a while.
I have something to do.
Telegram back home. You see, my husband's sick. A night letter.
Well, write it out, Baroness. I'll get your key.
Oh, no. Look, don't you know when to go home?
No.
The key for Baroness Czerny.
It may be in the name of Smith.
My maid sometimes...
The Baroness Czerny, room 217, 219.
Thank you.
Where is the telegraph desk?
You go right...
Don't bother. I'll write it upstairs.
Good night.
"To her door," my mother said.
The key, please.
I'll open it for you.
What? No nightcap?
Listen, my mother taught me a few things, too.
Good night.
Well, at least I don't have to ask for your telephone number.
I'll be pestering you.
Oh, won't you please go?
Not until you go in.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, don't be frightened.
They must have given me the wrong key.
Why don't you speak?
Where's the light?
Oh, you so-and-so.
Is anybody here?
All right, fellows. Now, I'll explain it once more.
Each of us puts in 5 francs, and the guy that finds her gets the whole thing.
Say we get 1,000 of us. That's a purse of 5,000 francs to the winner.
But how can you find one woman in four million people?
Oh, that's easy. Once they organized the taxis of Paris to save France.
Why can't we organize them now...
To find Czerny's girl!
She's an American girl named Eve Peabody.
All she's got is a gold dress. She hasn't got a cent to her name.
So, she can't get out of town.
Spread the word around. Keep your eyes open.
Go to the Consulate, the Embassy. Go to the hotels, the nightspots.
The theatrical agents.
Come on. Each of you fellows put in 5 francs. Come on.
Come on, fellows. Put it in here. 5 francs. That's it. Come on.
(PHONE RINGING)
(GROANS)
Hello.
Who?
No.
Yeah, yes. Who?
What'd you say?
I said good morning, Baroness.
Your luggage has arrived.
From Monte Carlo?
What... That's impossible. I mean...
You mean it's my luggage?
Well, there must be some mistake.
It said for the Baroness Czerny, madame. I had it sent up.
Oh, yeah. All right.
Maybe I'm crazy.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Come in.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Shall I open the blinds, madame?
Yeah. Yes, please.
Here are the keys, madame. Shall I open it?
You mean before Christmas?
Pardon, madame?
Oh, don't mind me.
That looks like a negligee on top, huh?
You wish? Yes, if you don't mind.
Madame wishes to put it on?
Oh, no, no. Just put it over the bed, please.
Is there anything else, madame?
Oh, I think that's enough, don't you?
Oh, the tip... Oh, no, no, no, no.
Your chauffeur took care of that, madame.
My chauffeur?
He's waiting downstairs.
And he wishes to know if madame wants the car today.
Oh, he does?
He says it's a very nice day, madame.
He says, "There is no wind."
He says, "The sun is warm."
He says...
He wants to know if I want the car today.
Tell him I wouldn't be at all surprised.
Thank you, madame. Thank you.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(WHISTLES)
What's your name? Eve Peabody. Where do you live? Nowhere at present.
How old are you? None of your business.
Well, I seem to be all right.
GEORGES: Then how about some breakfast?
What?
Good morning, Baroness Czerny.
Oh, that jacket's a little large.
I've arranged to have a fitter here at 2:00.
So it was you.
You made a pretty good guess at my measurements.
You know, I've always had a weakness for size 12.
Did you arrange for this apartment?
While you were on your way here with Jacques.
Neat, huh?
From the moment you looked at me, I had an idea you had an idea.
You remember when I asked you if they were still working on the Budapest subway?
Yes.
Well, the Budapest subway was finished in 1893.
It is the oldest subway in the world.
Monsieur, that is playing dirty.
You also had a third-class ticket from Monte Carlo in your handbag.
Nice work.
You see, I use my eyes when it comes to something I want very badly.
Also your bank account.
I guarantee we will never have any arguments about money.
That's fine.
There's just one trouble. I won't play.
Now... Now, don't misunderstand me, Miss Peabody.
Listen, when Little Red Riding Hood spots the long gray whiskers,
don't still insist that you're Grandma.
But... But suppose you hear my proposition out.
All right, go ahead.
What...
What was your impression of Jacques Picot?
Jacques... He seems all right. Why?
I'm afraid I can't agree with you.
Of course, I may be a little prejudiced.
You see, my wife and he think they're in love.
Oh.
Well, that's cozy.
That, my dear, is the devil.
Why don't you punch him in the nose?
Alluring but impractical. He was top man on the boxing team
of the University of Brussels.
Well, where do I come in? What you need is a lawyer.
I'll never get a divorce. Never.
I still don't see where I come in.
Last night for the first time, I saw a ray of hope.
While he was laughing with you, my wife was in torment.
When you drove away together, she was fighting tears.
Who won?
Your job, if you'll accept it,
is just beginning.
My wife...
My wife will fight for him.
And you want me to fight back?
I want to bring her back to her senses.
I want you to take over his attention before it's too late.
You can name your own price.
You really love her, don't you?
Of all the crazy plans.
Perhaps not so crazy from your point of view.
Jacques' family makes a very superior income
from a very inferior champagne.
You could do much worse.
We're having a weekend party at our place in Versailles.
Jacques will be there. You arrive tomorrow in time for tea.
Now, wait a minute. I haven't said yes.
Am I upsetting some other plans?
I gathered that you knew no one in Paris.
Did you?
Of course, if you have some other offer...
I have.
A good one?
I'll take yours.
I'll tell my wife I ran into you and asked you.
The name of your chauffeur is Ferdinand.
That's a nice name. Isn't it?
Ferdinand, Ferdinand
You'll like the whole arrangement.
Now, for immediate expenses, you can draw on my bank up to 50,000 francs.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Here's your breakfast. Goodbye, my dear Baroness.
Till tomorrow afternoon.
For the Baroness Czerny.
Permit me? Oh, yes. Go ahead.
"Hosannas to the high gods for throwing us together. Jacques."
I rather resent that.
To my wife he only said, "So glad we met."
Hmm.
TIBOR: Yes.
Yeah... No, she's not Chinese!
Hey, is it too late for me to join?
Come on, come on!
Put your 5 francs in here. Chance of a lifetime.
8,000 francs in the pool. Come on.
That's it.
Get me that one with the stuff on it that looks like spinach.
You know that hideous thing I made this morning.
Oh, yes, I know. Pardon.
Surely.
Well, where in the world did you get that hat?
It looks positively moldy!
Well, I bought it from you three days ago.
I don't care where you bought it. It's out of style.
I decided this morning that all hats should be off the face.
That's the one.
Oh, I'm looking for something for the weekend. Weekend in the country.
I'll show you some amusing models.
Yeah, not too convulsing, please.
Pardon.
HELENE: You don't call this a hat, Simone?
SIMONE: Good heavens, no!
No one ever accused me of selling hats.
But it looks dreadful on me.
That doesn't make a bit of difference. You'll take it. It's smart.
What do you think, Jacques?
Why, never let a man tell you what to wear, my dear.
The minute you do, you've lost him.
Well, it's... Oh, I think it's a dream on you.
You know, it does something for your face.
It gives you a chin.
Hello, Baroness.
Hello. Thanks for the flowers.
They were lovely. Were they?
How thoughtful.
Well, I thought I owed the Baroness something after our losses.
Here's something for golf.
Oh, if you want it for duck shooting,
we replace the golf balls with eggs.
There won't be any duck shooting, will there?
Where? Oh, I forgot to thank you.
It was darling of you to ask me to your place for the weekend.
My place?
Yes, I just ran into your husband.
He invited me.
Georges seems to be inviting everyone this weekend.
Well, if it's going to be a crowd, I'm sure this will be all right.
Send it to the Ritz, Baroness Czerny.
Why, the woman isn't human, buying a hat without trying it on.
Oh, I haven't time. I'm so busy shopping.
Where's the best place for riding boots?
Oh, Iribes. Just around the corner.
Left, right, or the corner across the street?
I don't suppose you could show me.
Well... Do, Jacques, by all means.
I'd hate to have you get lost in Paris. Thank you.
I'll send him back as good as new. Come, Jacques. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Well, did you ever, in all your life...
You poor thing. And good men so scarce.
Who is that woman, anyway?
Why, I thought she was a friend of yours.
I never saw her before last night. Did you hear what she said about my chin?
Why, you've got plenty of chin. Just keep it up.
Why, hello, Stephanie.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, hello, Helene.
Oh, dear. If ever a woman needed a new hat, it's I.
I'm being sued for 50,000 francs. No!
By whom?
By the Archduchess of Mendola.
You know that creature I had thrown out last night,
and I thought it was that Eve Peabody?
It really was the Archduchess of Mendola.
No! Yes.
Then the imposter is still unaccounted for.
Yes, that's right.
Stephanie, do you still have that pawn ticket?
Heard any news about Czerny's girl?
They haven't found her, yet.
I'm going to take a look around the Arc de Triomphe.
Win.
Pierre! They think they saw Czerny's girl on the Rue de Rivoli.
We're on our way.
Oh, what a day.
I could eat it with a spoon.
Well, I hoped there would be a thunderstorm.
The road blocked, the bridges washed out
and Ferdinand killed by a falling tree.
Then a little wayside inn with a pheasant roasting over the fire.
Oh, no, I wouldn't have much appetite. Not with Ferdinand dead in a puddle.
There'll be hundreds of people at the Flammarion's.
We'll never see each other alone.
Good. What's good about it?
I'm a married woman.
Why didn't I meet you first?
Oh, Jacques! Come on now, be honest.
If you had, you'd have run like a jack rabbit.
Well, my mother always says...
Now, never mind that mother of yours.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
What's the idea of bumping into my cab?
Are you implying that we ran into you?
You heard me!
You'd better change your tone, my friend. You're entirely in the wrong, as I can testify.
Well, I've got to report this to the insurance people.
Why, this car belongs to the Baroness Czerny.
Who?
This lady, Baroness Czerny, Ritz Hotel.
Drive on, Ferdinand.
Yes, madame.
I am a rich man!
Let me through. Here.
Where is the money? I've found her.
One cognac. What's that you say?
Let's wait for the cognac.
Come on, you can talk without a cognac.
It's for you, Czerny, when you hear what I've got to say.
Come on!
She lives at the Ritz.
She's got a high-class car with a chauffeur that drives like this.
And now would you like to know what her name is?
Her name is Eve Peabody.
Oh, no, it isn't. Not now!
It's Czerny. Czerny?
The Baroness Czerny.
Give me that cognac!
(CAR HORN BLOWING)
Good afternoon, Monsieur Picot. Good afternoon, madame.
Good afternoon.
JACQUES: It's rather overpowering, isn't it?
Oh, nonsense. You could put it in the left wing of the Czerny Chateau.
Oh, Monsieur Picot, I have very good news for you.
We found your cuff link. You did?
It was in Madame Flammarion's sitting room.
The wind probably blew it in.
Well. Nice drive down?
We thought you were lost.
Oh, it was so lovely we dawdled a little. Dawdled?
Yes. We stopped at a little lake and skipped pebbles.
Tomorrow, you can roll hoops if you feel like It.
Where are you putting the Baroness and Jacques, Helene?
Why, we have you in the east wing. You get the morning sun there.
And you, of course, have your usual room.
In the west wing, sir.
Let me take you up, Baroness.
Thank you.
Oh, Jacques, you have my comb.
So I have.
Thanks.
Nice little bungalow you've got here. I wish I'd brought my roller skates.
Yes, it's 18th century, my dear.
I bought it from the 15th Duke of Navarre for a song.
A shining example of trade over tradition.
How's it going?
All right. In fact, a little better than all right.
That boy ought to have his brakes relined.
I know his speed.
Yesterday he suggested that we cruise the Mediterranean on his yacht,
and this morning he appeared with an emerald as big as a trouser button.
I'll take it out of your salary.
Don't worry, I refused it.
Why? Get everything you can out of this deal.
That's what I'm doing.
You know something? I have a crazy idea he may ask me to divorce my husband.
And marry him? You don't know Jacques Picot.
You don't know Eve Peabody.
Now, listen, we had the windows open.
When you ride with the windows open,
your hair gets blown and you have to comb it.
Besides, it's none of my business. Why don't you say that?
All right, Helene. Let's have a few serious words, shall we?
I don't think you have six serious words in you.
Oh, yes. I could make a very noble speech.
I could say that we've played with fire.
That Georges is a friend of mine,
that I don't want to endanger a happy marriage.
Well, the truth is,
and I'm going to ask you to face it squarely...
You're in love with her.
I am.
What's the matter?
That's what I adore about you.
You're behaving like a schoolboy.
A woman walks into the room and looks at you,
and you lose your head.
You dawdle, and sit by the fire and throw pebbles.
You really are a darling.
She's wonderful.
But you don't know anything about her. None of us do.
I've asked all of my friends, and nobody's ever heard of her.
Who is she? Maybe her hair's dyed.
Maybe she's poisoned three husbands. Maybe we'll find out things about her.
You're jealous, Helene.
Terribly. Fun, isn't it?
Milk or lemon?
Where do you think you're going?
Inside, to talk to the Baroness Czerny.
The Baroness Czerny's not ordered a taxi!
She's out of town for the weekend. Where?
We don't give out any information regarding our guests.
Where? Move along, my good man.
(CAR HORNS BLARING)
Stop it! Stop at once!
Where is she?
The Chateau Flammarion at Versailles.
That's all I wanted to know.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
That's la conga.
Oh, come on, everybody do la conga!
Hello, Jean. Good evening, Monsieur Renard.
You're rather late. I know.
Have this luggage taken to my room, will you?
Could there be some mistake, monsieur? This doesn't seem to be your luggage.
Never mind. Have it taken up by the back way. Immediately.
You understand? Yes, monsieur.
Where's Madame Flammarion?
She is dancing, sir. Monsieur Marcel Renard.
How's it going?
Superstitious?
Don't forget, every Cinderella has her midnight.
Helene.
What?
They're here. What?
The luggage has arrived from Monte Carlo.
I've just... Excuse me.
Certainly.
I've just come from the airport.
Where is it? In my room. Come on.
Have you opened it yet? Not yet.
I'm simply dying of curiosity.
Isn't it enthralling?
The Secret of the Pink Pawn Ticket or The Case of the Mysterious Baroness.
Oh, nothing but clothes.
MARCEL: Well, this is her size.
We need more proof than that. Oh, Marcel, I could cry.
Wait a moment. Look at that third girl from the left.
Why, it does look like...
I think it is.
If we could really be sure...
Well, that's her figure, all right.
Poor Jacques! Oh, my soul, this is heaven.
Baroness Czerny indeed! Of all the impudence.
The consummate impudence!
We'll take this with us.
Now, Helene, don't let's hush this up, and don't let's wait till tomorrow.
Go on, let's have a lovely scandal!
All right, all right, but don't interrupt.
I know you won't do it, but let's just suppose.
Oh, sure, I'll suppose.
Well, what if we ran down this gravel path to the garage,
took the car and drove it off just as we are?
No toothbrush?
I said don't interrupt.
The two of us roaring down through the night.
Let's see what time it is. It's 20 minutes of 12:00.
We could get there just about dawn.
You know, if it's that little wayside inn, let's save the gas.
Oh, no, no, no. This is an old country place in the woods.
We'll clatter the great bell beside the door. Hard.
You see, the butler is deaf.
And upstairs, there's a very little old lady.
I'll lead you into the room and I'll say, "Mother..."
Oh, Mother's back again?
"Mother," I'll say, "here she is. I've found her."
And the dawn will be pale behind the oaks.
It won't be as pale as Mother.
"Mother," I'll say, "it's this one or no one."
Baroness Czerny, you... You promised me a dance.
Did I? A midnight dance.
Oh, but please, it's not...
It's... It's midnight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be back. I hope.
What's up? Hush.
The ground has just opened under our feet.
Park it.
You take it.
Well...
And me all set to jump for that tub of butter.
We've landed in something, all right, but it's not butter.
Here they come.
I'll stand by you as best I can.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have a word, please.
I want to tell you something which I think will both interest and amuse you.
Under our roof tonight, we have, as a guest,
a person claiming one of the oldest names in the Almanach de Gotha.
(INCOHERENT CHATTERING)
I don't know how many of you are familiar with the Hungarian aristocracy,
but let me assure you that in all middle Europe
there is no family...
MAN: Baron Tibor Czerny.
Well!
Do you know him?
Yes.
Welcome to my house, my dear Baron.
It's been a long time since we've met.
Oh, yes, years and years.
I just arrived in Paris, and they told me at the hotel
my wife was here,
so I'm trespassing on your hospitality. I couldn't wait to see her. Where is she?
Oh, here I am, Tibor.
What's the idea, Skipper?
I've been hungry to see my little wife.
Excuse me.
That's enough.
Oh, Helene, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. Baron Czerny.
Madame Flammarion.
It's a great pleasure to have you with us, too. You have such a gay wife.
She's simply captivated all my guests.
I trust you've been behaving yourself, darling?
Divinely! Oh, of course, you must meet Jacques Picot. Jacques?
I know you want to meet the husband of the Baroness.
How do you do? How do you do?
They've been inseparable.
I warn you, we Hungarians are very jealous husbands.
Remember our honeymoon in Copenhagen, darling? That Danish officer?
Oh, oh, Olaf. Oh, I never even looked at him!
Poor fellow, he's dead now. Heaven forgive me.
Oh, you're that kind of man! How wonderful.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll see about putting you up.
We'll move you to a larger room where you can both be comfortable.
If it's just as convenient...
Oh, of course, of course. Stay where you are.
We can put Czerny on the third floor.
We prefer Madame Flammarion's plan, don't we, darling?
Just as you say, Tibor.
Present the Baron to the rest of our guests, Georges.
Surely.
Well, Jacques?
Well, what? I eat husbands.
Not this one.
She's in love with him.
Are you quite sure we were wrong?
Don't be an idiot! Georges knows him. We nearly made fools of ourselves.
But what about that resemblance?
Coincidence.
We've put you in here.
Oh, what a delightful room.
It's the bridal suite of the chateau.
Well, in a way, this is very like a honeymoon, isn't it, darling?
In a way.
I feel as if I've been hit on the head with an old shoe.
There's a burglar alarm there by the bed in case of any nocturnal disturbance.
Oh, Georges, we have no burglars!
The Czernys are tired, we mustn't keep them up.
Good night. Good night.
Two short rings will rouse the house. Thanks.
Well?
Delightful people. I'm so glad you ran into them.
What are you doing here?
I flew from Budapest.
They told me at the Ritz my wife was here. You don't seem very pleased.
Oh, come on now, what do you want?
Oh! I'm getting sleepy, darling. Aren't you?
Not in the least.
You know, your sudden disappearance upset me quite a bit.
But now it's all right.
Stop it, Skipper.
Oh, they put my pajamas on the wrong side of the bed.
Listen. One more button, and I'll pull the emergency cord.
That must be the alarm right there.
Oh, won't you please get out of here?
Now, is that a nice way to talk to the man whose name you bear?
All right, I took your name. So what?
I'm so delighted.
It was the first name that came into my mind.
For a very special reason.
No, I might have taken any other name.
I believe in Freud and the subconscious. You chose the name you wanted. My name.
I suppose you're Baron Czerny.
If you're speaking about that diabetic idiot in Budapest,
I'm his eighth cousin once removed,
which makes me more of a Baron than you are a Baroness.
Then how come you're driving a taxi?
I climbed up to it by easy stages.
There's nothing like a little wife who's interested in her husband's career.
Cut it out, Skipper.
Oh, Eve.
Please go away.
You can't run away from what's started between us.
I know we're right for each other.
I know it deep down in my bones. Don't you?
That's why I didn't accept that room of yours.
There were no strings on that. I was driving all night.
I know it. You said, "Clear out before I get back,"
but that's not the way it would have worked out.
I'd have awakened in the morning in that extra shirt of yours, and...
And then I'd have waited to thank you.
And I'd have asked you to marry me.
I probably would have.
Oh, don't you see? We'd have had a few grand weeks and a lot of laughs.
I'd have darned your socks while you bumped around in that old taxi,
scraping our 40 francs together.
And then all of a sudden,
the walls of that one room would have started crowding in on us.
Yeah, I know that one.
When you're poor, love flies out the window.
Well, I saw it happen to my father and mother.
So many worries, so many quarrels, they... They just gave up.
They didn't even hate each other.
I suppose love is safer in a place like this.
Please, Skipper, don't let's make a mess of our lives.
We're no good for each other, believe me.
Oh, don't be a fool, Eve.
No!
Get your things together, we're starting back.
No! No, I won't go!
Oh, listen, I've just had a swell break.
I got in with this crowd. Things are beginning to work out.
There's a man... Well... It's what I've been waiting for all my life.
Please! Please! We'll make some excuse to those people downstairs
and you'll leave in the morning.
Careful, this is a rented suit!
HELENE: Ready for some breakfast, darling?
GEORGES: Yes, my dear child.
Good morning, Marcel.
Good morning, Helene.
Good morning, Mr. Picot.
Good morning.
Oh, now.
If your face was any longer, you could skip rope with it.
Did you expect to find me all smiles?
Well, I must admit it was very pleasant when he was in Budapest.
But you always...
The way you spoke of him, I... Good morning.
GEORGES: Good morning. MARCEL: Good morning.
Everyone sleep well?
EVE: Oh, I did. Like a baby.
Is the Baron coming down?
I think so. I left him shaving.
What's your choice, Baroness, kidneys, omelet, chicken livers?
EVE: I'll have them all in the order named. I'm starving!
MARCEL: I can't make up my mind what to eat.
Wasn't there some animal that starved between two haystacks
because he couldn't decide?
GEORGES: Yes, a jackass.
(LAUGHING)
What was that you said before?
Good morning again, dear. Good morning, darling.
Good morning, Baron. Good morning.
I'm so sorry, darling,
I couldn't wait for you. I was too hungry.
I'm afraid you'll have to hurry your breakfast.
I've just had bad news.
About what?
Now... Now, don't be alarmed, darling. It's nothing serious, I hope.
Well, what is it?
It's about Francie.
Francie?
Yes.
Francie's our little daughter.
She's... She's three years old.
You haven't told them anything about Francie?
Oh, well, I... I...
I... I just had a wire from home, and she's very ill.
Oh, is she?
Oh, how wretched! What is it?
Measles.
Why, that's nothing serious.
No. Why, sometimes that polka-dot effect is very becoming.
And Francie's the healthiest child in the world.
Yes, but the strongest are often the hardest hit.
When did you get the wire?
Just after you came down to breakfast.
Could I see it, please?
Yes, certainly.
Oh, your poor mother! She must be frightened to death.
Where's the nearest telephone?
In the main hall.
Why, what are you going to do?
Telephone Budapest.
While I'm getting the connection,
may I ask you to look up the airplane schedule?
Trust me, my dear.
With a child dangerously ill, the telephone will be disconnected!
Tibor, please don't argue with me.
I forbid you to telephone!
My dear Baron, the day is passed when a man forbids his wife anything.
You keep out of this. I will not.
Oh, please, my nerves.
What business is it of yours?
I'm so very fond of children.
Oh, you are!
Hello, operator. I want long distance to Budapest.
The name is Czerny.
It's the only Czerny in the book. It's very urgent. Please.
What are you doing that for? It won't help a bit.
Oh, Tibor, it makes things easier for me.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Could we go back until the call comes through?
I'd like to finish my breakfast. Marcel.
Well, I thought it might distract the Baroness.
I remember when my poor father fell off the yacht.
We were having Crêpes Suzette at the time. Well, it made all the difference!
I'm taking that call when it comes through.
No! No, Tibor, I couldn't trust you.
You know, if it's bad news, he'll try to spare me.
Oh, darling, I know your nerves are just as strained as mine.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello. Yes, Budapest. Who is this speaking?
It's your mother. Oh, yes, Mama. How's Francie?
Well, what did the doctor say?
Oh, good!
The baby's temperature's gone down and the spots have practically disappeared!
What did you say, Mother?
It isn't measles at all.
No, dear, it's just a plain case of alcohol poisoning.
The baby must have had one highball too many.
She was out all night. We picked her up in the gutter.
Oh, how cute of her.
Oh, she loves it so. Yeah.
You mean I can speak to her?
Hello, Francie darling! Oh, it's Francie. Listen.
Hello. Hello, Dada.
Is that you, Dada?
Yes, yes, this is your Dada.
Send her a kiss for me.
Dada, Dada, Dada...
Goodbye now, dear. I'll see you soon.
Oh, isn't it wonderful.
It was just a heat rash. We don't have to leave at all.
You snake. I'll show you.
Oh, poor little Daddykins. Oh, was he so worried?
(MUMBLING)
Aren't children terrifying?
Well, when I was a child, I used to swallow things.
They didn't dare leave me alone in the room with an armchair.
Well, now that the crisis is passed,
shall we go back and finish our breakfast?
Of course.
Hello, Dada.
I'll talk to you later, Francie.
Georges, where's the Baron?
I don't think the Baron's hungry.
Oh, he'll be all right. He...
Tibor!
I'm coming, darling.
No plover's eggs, you see. Now, you promised me plover's eggs.
Oh, I'm sorry, Marcel. I ordered them.
Maurice, what happened to the plover's eggs?
They didn't arrive, madam.
We tried to get in touch with the market,
but the telephone has been out of order ever since last night.
Nonsense. We just telephoned from the main hall.
The house telephone works, madam.
We were talking to Budapest.
There must be some mistake, madam.
I wasn't able to use the telephone 10 minutes ago.
Really, Maurice, that's impossible.
It's in perfect working order.
The Baroness was just talking to Budapest, and the connection was very good,
wasn't it, Baroness?
I'm afraid he's right, Madame Flammarion. I wasn't really talking to Budapest.
You weren't?
But we all heard you.
Of course you talked to Budapest.
No, I didn't. And I'm going to tell you something even more surprising.
Tibor and I haven't any daughter.
Well, what is all this, in heaven's name?
Are you feeling quite well, my dear?
Oh, perfectly.
I shouldn't trouble you with my unhappy marriage.
I... Forget what I said.
Oh, do tell us, please! Go on, please!
It seems so disloyal to poor Tibor.
HELENE: Well, you can't stop now!
No. If you do, it'll kill Marcel.
All right.
When I married, I didn't realize that,
in the Czerny family, there was a streak of...
Shall we say eccentricity?
And yet I had warning.
Why else should his grandfather have sent me, as an engagement present,
one roller skate covered with Thousand Island dressing?
What?
Of course, of course. I'd forgotten.
The Czernys, they're all like that. You know, I met an old aunt. The Countess Antonia.
I thought she was an Indian.
Turned out she used paprika instead of face powder.
HELENE: But your husband seems quite normal.
Oh, he is, for long stretches, and then comes one of his attacks.
This morning was typical. Waking up and imagining we had a daughter.
And a daughter with measles, too.
One mustn't contradict him, of course.
Does he get violent if you do?
Oh, yes. He breaks things and eats them sometimes.
Well, I used to do that.
And you have put up with this for years?
I came to Paris this time to get away, but he followed me.
Once before I tried.
I was hiding in Capri. He made a violent entrance into the hotel,
disguised as a fisherman, and tried to have me shot as a spy.
At least he has imagination.
But there are moments when he's so sweet.
One can't help loving him.
You're wonderful! Isn't she?
Amazing!
(CAR HONKING)
A taxi. What's a taxi doing here?
Oh, the driver must have made a mistake.
You don't suppose... Oh, no, it can't be.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
We're all with you.
Let's call a doctor. Oh, no, no, no.
That would be the worst thing.
Well, what do you say to this?
Why, Baron!
Do I look like a Baron?
Tibor. Now, Tibor.
Come on, tell them who I am.
He's not a Baron, he's a taxi driver.
Well, isn't that interesting.
Nothing keeps one out in the air so much, does it?
Except, perhaps, being a fisherman.
How long have you been driving a taxi?
Four years, the Gare de Lyon district.
If one of your limousines breaks down, you might call on me sometime.
Tibor! I imagine this is the first time
your chateau has entertained a member of the working class.
Well, times have changed, haven't they?
Now, what would you like for breakfast?
Nothing.
I have a few more things to tell you, then you can throw us out of here.
Tibor, look at me. Look straight into my eyes.
Let me hold your hand.
It's too late now!
We'll make a clean breast of things, whether you like it or not!
Let go of that woman's hands. You notice I didn't say, "My wife's,"
because she's not my wife.
Oh, Tibor.
Well, are you?
No, Tibor.
She's a spy. A what?
She's an American gold digger I picked up in Paris less than a week ago.
Right? Yes, Tibor.
Without a sou to her name!
No, Tibor.
But there was something about her nose,
and the way the raindrops trickled down it from that newspaper.
Newspaper? Yeah, she was wearing one instead of a hat.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
She twisted me around her finger in two minutes.
I was crazy about her.
She made me think she felt the same way about me
until she remembered she had other fish to fry.
Fish like you. Goldfish!
Oh, please, Baron Czerny!
I'm not a Baron!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Please have a little bite of breakfast now.
Yes.
You'd better. We're all going to ride cross-country this afternoon.
What's the matter with all of you?
Why, nothing at all.
You all act as though nothing had happened.
Well, Tibor, what has happened?
What's happened?
Didn't you hear what I said? I wasn't fooling!
We're a pair of impostors! You don't want us around here!
They're terribly broad-minded people, Tibor.
What are you smirking about? Now, stop it.
Don't talk like that to your wife.
She's not my wife!
Haven't you heard what I said? Are you all deaf, or are you crazy?
You're the one who's crazy, Czerny. We know all about it.
Oh, so that's it. Oh, my china.
He'll eat it!
(ALL CLAMORING)
EVE: No, no, don't hurt him!
Don't hurt him! Oh, no!
That's enough, that's enough.
Oh, Tibor!
Come, my dear.
But, Jacques, he's her husband.
Not from now on. I'm taking care of that.
She's going to marry me. Aren't you, darling?
He's cut! He's bleeding! Look!
No, no, that's just the gravy from the kidneys.
How is he? Fine. Pulse like a trip-hammer.
Here, I'll do that. No, no, no, I'll do it. Here.
Skipper. You know, you better
leave the skipper to me.
I'll see he gets back to Paris all right.
I'll give him a few thousand francs.
He deserves it. His performance was extremely helpful.
Are you and Jacques planning an autumn wedding?
Nice kind of marriage.
As we turn from the altar, I start explaining, I suppose.
My dear, you know it's amazing how little one has to explain to a man in love.
And when he stops being in love?
Well, that's when the alimony'll begin!
Now, don't be soft-hearted.
Remember, every time somebody orders champagne,
Jacques' income bubbles!
Yeah. Listen, you've always heard it's hard to be honest.
Let me tell you, it's a cinch.
What's tough is to be a good, competent crook.
Leave me alone with him.
All right. I'll be outside if you need me.
Are you feeling better?
(GROANS)
It's all right. It's me. It's Eve.
Where are we? In the chateau. You got hit on the head.
Oh, yeah. You told them I was crazy.
You'll feel better on the way home.
Home? It'll take two men pushing and two men pulling
to get me away from here.
Oh, but I'm going with you.
Going where?
Back to Paris.
Isn't that what you came here for? To take me away?
What's the catch?
Oh, now, you can't back out now.
You told me I could stay in that apartment of yours.
Well, I'm moving in.
What's come over you?
I tried to be practical, but it's no use. I just can't be.
Come on, get up.
How's your head?
It's bursting, thank you.
Oh, you poor darling.
What are you being so sweet about?
Well, it's all my fault.
Oh, it didn't work, huh? What?
Your... Your little stunt downstairs.
Come on, Skipper. Now, are you coming?
No! It's too bad you didn't land that fathead Jacques Picot.
He's not a fathead.
Why, because he found you out?
I can tell when a Baroness has had a swift kick!
Listen, you big idiot. Jacques Picot just proposed to me.
(SCOFFS)
Are you surprised somebody else wants to marry me?
You said no, I suppose.
I said nothing, but if you keep on, I'll say yes.
That's fine! That's where I step in.
What can you do? Don't forget, you're married to me!
I'm not married to you. Jacques Picot thinks you are.
You're in a fine mess.
You've got to get a divorce from a man you aren't even married to.
All right, I'll get a divorce!
Just try it!
Watch me.
Well, is it settled?
Except for a small formality.
Where are you going?
My address is 143 Rue Martel.
You can serve me with the papers there!
What happened?
Nothing at all.
All we need now is a good lawyer.
JUDGE: So thereupon you filed an action for divorce.
You didn't like the color of your wife's hair, I suppose.
Your husband forgot to put the top on the toothpaste tube, perhaps.
Well, that's not what the courts of France are for!
We don't regard marriage as a vaudeville
that you leave when you cease to be amused.
This isn't the United States of America, nor is it the city of Nero, Nebraska.
It's France!
You've let a little matter of personal antipathy
interfere with your duty to your country.
Go home. Case dismissed!
I'm sorry we're before this judge. He's a little heavy-handed.
If he ever finds out, I'll be disbarred.
How are your jails in France?
Don't worry.
What if Czerny decides not to play ball?
I came up in the elevator with him. He was very friendly.
Especially when I suggested a financial arrangement if the divorce goes through.
You shouldn't have done that.
He's not the kind of man you can buy.
The next case on the calendar. Action for divorce, Czerny against Czerny.
Everything will be all right, darling.
I hope so. I know it will.
In half an hour you'll be free, and in a week we'll be married.
You're holding up the proceedings.
Let me see. In this action, Madame Czerny is represented by...
LEBON: Maître Lebon.
And the defendant Baron Czerny?
This is a Republic. I prefer to be known as Mr. Czerny.
Good. Who's your lawyer?
I shall look out for my own interests.
Among your papers, I don't seem to find the marriage certificate.
There is none. But if the court wishes,
we will put on the stand a witness from the Chinese Consulate
to prove that the hall of records in Shanghai
was bombed and destroyed in April, 1937.
Married in Shanghai, were you?
I admit the marriage.
Well, you'd hardly be asking me to divorce you
if you'd never been married, would you?
Your grounds for asking this divorce are?
Mental cruelty.
Oh, that again.
Suppose you describe this mental cruelty?
May it please the court, my client can testify under oath
that, in all the time she and the defendant have been together,
he has objected to every one of her actions.
During that period, he tried to break up every friendship she formed.
He had frequent violent attacks of jealousy.
He used abusive language when alone with the plaintiff,
and in the presence of others.
What language?
He... He called her a gold digger for one thing.
Oh, I've had enough!
This is a familiar picture to me,
and I find it deplorable that in a time of vast world unrest,
two grown-up people are unable to iron out
their own childish, finnicking, imponderable squabbles.
There's a very healthy law in Albania, I think it is,
that a husband may bring his wife back to her senses by spanking her,
not more than nine blows,
with any instrument not larger than a broomstick.
What do you say to that? You mean...
I say it's a fine rule.
A husband should have that privilege, and no wife would resent it
if she knew he loved her.
Did he ever say, "I love you"?
Not once.
Not when I was ready to give up everything
and scrub floors for him if that was necessary.
Oh, I was wrong in the beginning, I admit that.
Then I came to think he was the only thing that mattered.
I didn't care what he had or who he was, a Baron or a gutter sweep.
Is that so incredible?
Wouldn't you believe a woman if she said it?
If she stood like a beggar with a tin cup,
waiting for you to drop in three little words,
"I believe you," or "I love you," or anything warm and human.
Do you know what he said?
He said, "Is that so?" and he said it with a smirking, cynical grin.
Do you know what I call that?
Mental cruelty!
Thank you, Your Honor.
As a judge who has been sitting on this bench for 35 years,
I want to say that is as sincere a plea as I have ever heard.
My eyesight isn't what it once was,
but I can still see it's made by a very beautiful woman.
She is still your wife.
Before the law grants her, her freedom,
you have the right to answer her accusations.
No answer.
In other words, you're not contesting this divorce?
I am not.
You mean you're letting a woman like that slip through your fingers?
Don't you want to say something?
I just want some water.
I'm not a waiter, young man.
As for this divorce, before judgment is pronounced,
there's a formality provided by French law.
Will the husband and wife retire to the reconciliation room?
The law compels them to spend 15 minutes alone together.
A last chance to talk things over and reconcile their differences.
That door over there.
It's a waste of time.
It's a confounded nuisance, but it's the law.
Do you think she's safe with him alone in there?
We'll hear her if she screams.
This means the end of Jacques as an extra man.
Do you mind very much, Helene?
Surprisingly little.
Well, 15 minutes to kill.
Better sit down. I'll stand, thank you.
You're not cross, are you, Baroness?
You're the one that wants this divorce, you know?
So, you took money, huh?
I thought money didn't matter to you. No, of course it didn't. In small sums!
You and your principles.
I thought you were going to fight. You practically threw me at his head.
Well, you picked his head.
You had to pick a fat one, too,
otherwise your nasty little trick wouldn't work.
Well, maybe it was a dirty trick,
but I'll make it up to him when I'm his wife.
Say, have you a mirror?
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Shaving.
Here?
Well, why not?
Are you crazy?
That's what you said, didn't you?
I left the water outside. Pardon me.
Oh, Tibor, stop it.
I forgot the water. I'm sorry.
Wonderful stuff. It works just as well with cold water.
Young man, are you insane?
Oh, I get very cross when people say that to me.
I'll see you later, Your Honor.
Essential information has been withheld from this court!
I want witnesses as to the mental condition of the defendant!
You! You! You are his friends! You knew this?
If it please the court, it's not a violent case.
It is just that he thinks he's a taxi driver or a fisherman now and then.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
MAN: The judge wants to see you at once.
Here it is. Come on.
Quiet, everybody.
Young woman, you almost succeeded in wheedling this court
into what would have been a serious miscarriage of justice.
According to the wise provisions of the French law,
no divorce can be granted where either party is mentally unstable.
Go home with your unfortunate husband, young woman,
and get it out of your head that you can ever get rid of this man. Ever!
Divorce refused. Case dismissed.
Don't worry, darling.
We'll get you a divorce in Mexico or in Russia. Anywhere.
No, Jacques. Of course we can. It's simple.
Jacques, you've had a stroke of luck.
What do you mean?
You mustn't ever get married. It would be unfair to so many women.
You're turning me down.
No. I'm setting you free.
Taxi?
Step right in, just around the corner.
What? The License Bureau.
Oh, listen, Skipper, you'd better think it over.
I have thought it over.
I won't promise to manage on 40 francs a day.
Who said 40? With you around, I'll make as much as we want.
Anything is possible. Don't argue.
Where are you two going?
To get married. Oh.
What?