**
- You know, it'd be great if you could warn me
before you drift like that.
I fucking slammed my goddamn head into the window.
- I said, "Hang on." - You say that all the time.
"Hang on. I'm taking a curb.
Hang on. It's a speed bump."
I mean, at this point it's meaningless.
- I should be mad at you anyway. The reason we got robbed
is because you needed a piss break again.
- Oh, come on! You also needed to pee.
You sounded like a broken fire hydrant back there.
- [John Doe] Ha! You were listening.
- [Quiet] It was so loud.
I bet that vulture heard you from three states away.
What'd he take, anyway? - Ooh, found it!
[laughs] - Are you serious?
You almost got us killed for a bunch of stupid CDs?
- Stupid CDs? I've been building this collection for a decade.
I have more memories in here than I do in here.
And, I'll have you know,
good music is worth its weight in gold nowadays.
Let's see what other CDs this guy's got.
DMX. Got that.
Dave Matthews Band. Pass.
Hm, I've ever seen this one before.
- Uh, it's pretty good.
I mean, you'll hate it at first, but it grows on you.
Especially track two.
- Track t-- You know the tracks?
- What? No. Shut up.
- Should I toss it? - No! No.
I mean, keep it or not. I don't care. Whatever.
[chuckling]
You know, we're not far from Topeka.
I can walk the rest of the way.
If you leave now, you can probably make it
to New Chicago by nightfall.
- A milkman's job is never done
until his package is safely delivered
to its final destination.
And I'm sure your brother would have wanted that.
Besides, you think I'd come this far
and not see the fabled Topeka for myself?
- Fine.
If you're dead set on it,
how about one for the road?
["MMMBop" by Hanson playing]
[laughs] - It was close.
You gotta follow through.
Like this.
- That's what I'm doing.
Like this.
- Here.
To the end of our road together.
- Mmm,
now you're just showing off.
[music slowing]
[groans] [bottle breaks]
- Sorry, John.
I can't have you coming with me.
Sweet Dreams.
* Yeah yeah *
* Mmmbop ba daba du bop du yaba du bop *
**
- Loquacious.
Boy, you're a loquacious lad, aren't you?
[knocking]
Come in!
Jamie, Carl, how's the search going?
- We have yet to find the Mapmaker,
but we think we're close.
- I'm talking about the Milkman
and the four-fingered girl. Where are they?
- Uh, there's been no sign of them
since they vacated the dam.
- When they pop up, we'll be ready.
- Pop up? Hmm.
So, pop up.
[sighs] Pop up.
These two lawbreakers
ran rip-shod through my largest outpost.
They killed my second in command,
beat his brains in.
And you're waiting for them to pop up?
Are they pieces of bread, Roberts?
Are we making fucking toast here?
- Sir, what Carl meant was that--
- Shut the fuck up.
They defied the law, and they defied me.
Now get out there and look for them harder
than if you were checking your lover for body lice.
- That's actually my sister, sir.
We have the same-- - I know what a sister is!
Look, I want their bodies hung from the rotunda
by this weekend.
Provide the people of Topeka
with some light Friday night entertainment.
What do you say? - [both] Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Fuck off.
**
* Here comes Sweet Tooth here comes Sweet Tooth *
* Don't you run don't you run *
* If you run I'll find you turn you into red goo *
* Ding dang dong ding dang dong *
Well, you look like a man
who values top-shelf entertainment.
Want to see a show?
- I don't care about your show.
I need to see your ORL now.
- My ORL.
"Orl" what?
- I'll bring you in.
[growls]
- I think...
I'll bring myself in.
[gagging] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
[whimpering]
I've really enjoyed this conversation,
but let's pull a pin in it, shall we?
[whimpering]
[sighs]
Now, don't go touching that grenade.
Very sensitive.
Hope you got some friends inside
who appreciate the arts.
[laughing]
[screaming]
[laughing]
**
- [Lawman #1] Did you hear how they found Shepard?
- He killed himself, right?
Shit's messed up, man. - [Lawman #1] No.
I heard a new recruit found him half naked,
hand on his pecker, head busted to shit
with a sexy schoolgirl comic book next to him.
- That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard.
- [Lawman #1] Right?
- [Lawman #2] So Shepard was a sex pervert?
I mean, I kind of see it. I do.
- Oh, fuck me. Ham again.
- I'll eat that shit.
What kind of side you got?
Got any chips or puffy Cheetos?
- [Lawman #1] Hey, don't you worry about my sides.
- [Lawman #2] I will. I'll trade you.
- [Lawman #1] I'm not eating those peanuts.
They're nasty.
[Patrol Lawman] Patrol vehicle approaching outer gate.
[Gate Lawwoman] Car 22 is approved.
[stabbing, groaning]
[tires screaching]
**
- [Quiet] "Pick up after your pet"?
Jesus.
- [Loud] Damn, dude, this place is fucked up.
Who would do that to a dog?
Separating a dog from his best friend.
It's kind of like me and you. I mean--
I mean, you were my best friend.
Not that I'm calling you a dog or nothing.
You know, you can be a mean bitch
when you want to be
with, you know, throats and shit.
That why we're here, little bunny?
You gonna rip some throats?
Nah, I think you're gonna end up
just like me.
[bell dings]
- [Clerk] Now serving C42.
- Number's almost up, traitor.
Don't worry.
Something tells me you'll fall fast.
[laughing]
- First of all, weight doesn't equate to health.
Second, objects fall at the same speed
regardless of mass.
Everyone knows that, except you dipshits.
[grunts]
- You're actually talking about terminal velocity,
which doesn't apply.
And if you take into account air friction--
[door slamming]
- Muh-muh-muh... - Kelvin? What is it?
- [Sweet Tooth] Machete.
[yelps]
Hi, everybody!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't leave me.
[gunfire]
- [Sweet Tooth] Woman's body!
[whimpering]
I hate cops.
[screaming]
- Oh, what the fuck?
- And, scene.
So, did you like it or what?
[cheering]
Oh, wow, applause. Thank you.
You are too kind. That really feels good.
- I've never seen anyone cut off a human head
and catch it as good as that.
- [Haggard Loner] Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
What brought you here, young man?
"Oh, I just want to get out of the scene."
Yeah, Topeka's going to the dogs.
[barking]
- You nasty motherfucker.
- [chuckling]
[sniffing]
Down goes the zippee. Yippee!
Ooh.
Can I keep you?
Oh, shit! It's alive! Oh!
- Where's the girl? - I didn't see no girl.
I just saw you laying out here all dead like,
practically begging for it.
Maybe I'll just put you back to sleep.
Oh.
- You looking for this?
- Oh, shit!
Ah!
You missed! [laughing]
- Shit!
- Nah nah, nah nah, nah nah!
[screaming]
- Guess that worked.
Quiet?!
[zips]
- [Quiet] Dear Jon--
- What kind of psychopath spells John without an "H"?
- [Quiet] Sorry for poisoning you.
Oh, I hope I didn't accidentally kill you,
but I did it to save your life.
The truth is, Topeka isn't what I said it was.
It's Stone's headquarters.
Killing Shepard wasn't enough.
Oh, by the way, I killed Shepard at the dam.
He was jerking off. It was a whole thing.
- Didn't need that detail.
- [Quiet] At least you didn't have to see it.
Now that we're here,
I gotta make sure Stone pays for what he did.
- I would have helped you if you just told me.
- [Quiet] I would have told you, but this isn't your fight.
Don't follow me.
Finish your delivery and live your new life.
Be the first milkman without an expiration date.
Good luck.
- That's actually pretty sweet.
- [Quiet] And go fuck yourself.
- Of course.
I guess that's it then.
Jell-O, Quiet,
whatever the hell your name was.
- [Loud] Dude, what do you think they're gonna do to you
when they catch your ass?
They're gonna kill you.
They always said you were the smart one,
but, man, I don't know.
If this was my idea,
you'd call me a goose-brained dunder fuck.
- Oh, my God, will you shut the hell up?!
- Ha! Like that works.
I thought you knew your brother better than that.
- You're not my brother. You're just my imagination.
- You got a fucked up imagination.
You gave me the bullet hole and everything.
Is this how you really remember me?
Ah, dope, right?
But imagine me, like, two feet taller and ripped.
But not, like, too swole, just enough to show definition.
- Fuck off! - You fucking miss this.
- I do.
- Same.
I mean, being dead is a total buzzkill.
At least you have the Milkman.
- Oh, John was a giant pain in my crack.
- Dude, I'm literally inside your brain,
and I know that's not what you really think.
I mean, I know you've seen him with his shirt off.
Nice back, huh?
What?
God forbid you feel anything other
than explosive rage for a second.
- You died five days ago.
The rage is hard to ignore.
No fucking way.
- It's a dumb statue. Forget it.
- Forget it? They think he's a fucking hero.
- Who gives a fuck what they think?
- [Jamie] Officer. [banging]
Your vehicle's assigned to patrol duty.
Why are you idling?
- [Loud] You've got to say something.
Silence will get you killed here, little bunny.
- Oh, I was just admiring our boss, ma'am.
- Yeah.
I don't, uh, recognize your face, officer.
Are you new?
- Transferred recently.
- Hmm.
- She's on to you. You've got to leave now.
[tires squealing]
[gunshots]
[clicks] - Fuck!
**
- Holy fuck.
- You're not getting out of here alive,
you fucking traitor!
[whimpering]
- [Sweet Tooth] Need a hand?
Oh, I found this one lying around,
so you'll have to get your own.
- Thank you.
- Ah, don't mention it. I really enjoy my work.
Hey, hold this.
- Okay.
- And I'm gonna be back for that.
Hmm-boop!
So, uh, what's your name?
- Stu.
- Stu. I like the mouthfeel of that.
Stu.
I'm Sweet Tooth.
Put her there!
- Nice to meet you, Mister, uh, Tooth.
- Firm grip you got there, Stu.
Bet you have a lot of fun with that.
You know, Stu, I got a feeling you and I are kindred spirits.
- You think we're a lot alike?
- You bet I do. - In, uh, in what way?
- I mean, you're a big guy, I'm a big guy.
Your name starts with "S", my name starts with "S".
The S Brothers, who would have thunk it?
Uh, something catch your peepers, Stuber?
- [Stu] Yeah.
I found Mike... and Ikes.
You want some?
- Ooh, yucky.
I'm a Skittles guy.
**
[engine revving]
**
- Let's haul ass, Evelyn.
Make up some time.
- Five flatheads on one lure?
Just a basic spooner.
- Best day of my life.
They were really bitin' that day.
- [Stone] Best day of my life is gonna be
when I complete my collection of state quarters.
The world went to shit before I could find Idaho.
But you know what? I'll get there.
The Union will be complete.
- Finished.
- I think the spot's still there, Cliff.
[chuckling] - Oh, there it is.
- [Jamie] Agent Stone, come in, Agent Stone.
We have a 146A. - Be right back.
- [Jamie] A woman with a missing finger, sir.
- What about the milkman?
- [Jamie] She's alone.
We have two patrol cars on her tail.
- Don't worry, we'll bring you her teeth.
- Oh, Carl. No, do not engage.
It's time I made an example of her myself.
[sirens wailing]
- You're caught! You gotta fucking bail.
- No, I can't leave until Stone is dead.
- The only one dead is you
if you don't leave this fucking place.
When I died, I gave you a second chance.
And you're throwing it away.
- You're right.
Fuck this shit!
[laughing] - That's right!
That's the fuck what I'm talking about!
Come on!
- [Stone] Guard 22.
[brakes squealing]
Come in, please.
What happened to your loquacious boyfriend?
Did he bite the dust?
I have people in position to kill you right now,
but I think I'm gonna give you a choice.
Although, you remember how that went last time?
You can run, in which case
we'll hunt you down like a dog.
Or, you and I can get together
and have a little chat.
Turn around
and we can finally settle this one on one.
- [Loud] Sis,
you don't have to do this.
- Shut up.
[tires squealing]
- [Stone] Haha, good.
My men will show you the way.
- Aww, you remembered.
Thanks, Stuby.
So, where are you off to now that you're a free man?
- Honestly, uh, not sure.
After Seattle, my friend and I
were looking for a place of our own.
A Shangri-La, you know?
- Absolutely.
- But, uh, then when I got here,
he, uh, threw me under the bus.
- Oh, I've done that before. Crunch!
Never to a friend. I'm not a monster.
- Listen, uh, what you did today,
saving me like that,
it's, uh, it's the first time in a while
anyone's had my back. So, uh, thanks.
- Well, hell, I mean, you're a reject, I'm a reject,
we got to look out for each other.
I mean, you are about to head out into a dangerous world
where there are two types of people,
those who kill and those who get killed.
I know you're no wolf,
but there is gonna come a time
when you're gonna need to bite.
And even puppies have fangs, Stu.
- That sort of thing is just hard for me, I guess.
I'm sure I'll figure it out.
- Oh, well, I mean, maybe you could,
I don't know, but, tag along with me,
and I could help you find your fangs.
- Yeah.
You know what? What the hell?
- You mean it? - Yeah.
- Fuck yes! Get in there.
Aww, the S Brothers, gonna paint the town red.
Whoa, you sit bitch,
Harold's got shotgun.
- Sorry.
So, where are we off to next?
- Well, I'm not really sure.
I mean, it felt so freeing,
ripping into those law assholes.
And the applause.
Nobody ever cheered for me like that in Vegas.
- You know, if you want to chase that feeling,
there are outposts like this
all up and down these routes
and all through the Midwest.
Each one of them is filled with captives just like me,
waiting to get set free.
You save 'em and boom,
you have fans for life.
- Hmm. Fans for life.
Oh, I like that.
[laughing]
[cheering]
I don't, um, I don't really have room for all you guys,
so maybe you should carpool.
- [Stone] Fall back; she's mine.
**
Welcome to Thrills and Spills Park.
I came here every weekend growing up.
Got my first pickle tickle on the Ferris wheel.
But you know what my favorite was?
The Midway, because I love games.
Don't you?
- Gotcha.
[tires squealing] [gunshots]
- Peekaboo.
Say goodbye.
[engine revving]
- Fuck!
Where do you think you're going?
- Shit!
- Miss me, mute?
[gunshots]
[engine revving]
- Fuck.
- See you soon, dude.
[clapping]
- What the fuck?
[gunshots]
["MMMBop" by Hanson playing]
- You look pissed.
- Damn right, I'm pissed. I only had one of those.
- I told you not to come.
- And when have I ever listened to you?
Come on, we gotta go.
Quiet? Quiet!
Quiet, come on!
No.
Come on, Quiet.
Quiet.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Quiet!
**