怎么样了 在那儿，查克？
真的很好，宝贝。 [呻吟]
是反生命方程 以同样的方式影响你 是鸡干的吗？
不，宝贝，但我正在 影响了一点点... [呻吟]
来自所有的树 你正在把我撞进去。
哦。 [笑] 抱歉。
有时我会忘记 你在下面。
- 只要你 别在床上说这种话，宝贝。 - [两人都笑了]
[砰的一声。]
[金色滑翔机尖叫起来。]
我想你已经跑了 足够长了。
[嘲笑] 您是怎么找到我们的？
我明白了，宝贝。
是不是因为我搜索
对于高评价的 我附近有反生命方程处置选项吗？
是的。 谢谢你。
- 知道了！ - 宝贝！
对不起，宝贝。 我认为值得一试。
好吧，我们不给你 反生命方程。
我和查克 会为了保护它而死。
- 噢，该死！ -查克！
对不起，宝贝。 我很抱歉。
如果你想拿回来， 我有一个价格。
与我面对面交谈。
- 我的机器人会护送你。 - 哦，对了，所以你可以杀了我们。 决不。
我想你可能会这么说。
- 这就是为什么我带来了 橄榄枝。 - 经过。
所有的橄榄枝， 橄榄油和多椒橄榄
世界无法让我们到达那里，因为， 新闻快报，我不喜欢橄榄！
你喜欢这个吗？
- 我的风筝？ -
我把它从火中救了出来，就是这样 我想为你做。
你不能度过你的一生 奔跑中，风筝人。
你是时候面对这个了。
相信我。
[主题音乐播放。]
我们已经运行了模拟 数百万次。
并且它总是 结果是一样的。
宇宙中所有的生命都灭绝了。
- 一切的终结。 - 包括我的客户。
这就是为什么 我不希望这种事发生。
您对客户的关心程度令人鼓舞。
- 嗯，他们总是对的。 - 嗯，除非他们死了。
恰恰！ 哪个是什么 我正在努力避免。
无论变数如何，
模拟 总是这样结束。
但有一个例外。
你，风筝人。
有这样一个场景
你使用反生命方程，这不会发生。
呃，酷。
- 为什么不呢？ - 是的。
为什么不呢？
我希望我们知道。
但世界的命运 在你的能力范围内...
嗯，你的手。
但这并不容易。
Lex想要方程
杀死超人，却毫无头绪 他会杀了我们所有人。
我们以前和莱克斯打过交道。
但你从来没有 对付达克赛德。
他也在追捕你
如果他得到了方程 我们都死了。
所以无论你做什么， 快点做吧。
好的...
我不敢相信我他妈的会说出这样的话
但天哪，风筝人！
[播放悬疑的音乐。]
这些天喝淡啤酒吧，格斯？
是的。 我只是想 我会切换它，诺曼。
- 诺曼？ - [祸根] 该死的！
我一直在喝咖啡和西梅汁，
但我却像水力发电大坝一样塞满了。
有时最好的泻药
有一件小事叫做耐心。
推开它，混蛋！
我没有时间让你有耐心。
我必须在里面大便 现在传送门便盆
这样我就可以回到 80 年代并找到金发姑娘！
她可能“孤独又害怕”
这离出名又近了一步
在商场里唱歌。
是的，孩子很容易迷失。
每次实地考察我都会有一两个孩子闲逛，
并灭亡。
[Bane] 这很奇怪而且没有帮助。
海伦说要靠你来拯救我们。
那么，你的计划是什么？
哦，呃，我有点希望
在过来的路上有什么东西会击中我。
呃……哦！ 我知道。
是的！ 那是我的查克！
我去洗个澡。
那就是那里 我得到了最好的想法。
我们在寻找什么样的想法？
哦，你知道， 只是一个让我们 击败两个顶尖恶棍
同时也摧毁 迄今为止不可摧毁的 宇宙武器。
有什么想到的吗？
如果我们正在制定战争计划
我们应该休会到作战室。
[六块腹肌咕哝着。]
[风筝人]我们有地下室吗？
这就是您使用房地产经纪人的原因。
[爵士舞教练]\r 并排！\r 并且并排！
还有臀肌和斜槽！\r 还有臀肌和斜槽！
你是 陈丽贝卡公主？
你看起来很漂亮！
我更好。 如果我要成为下一个希娜·伊斯顿
我得加强我的腿部比赛。
你想要什么，孩子？ 你是从未来来的吗？
我去了第二，它让我及时回到了过去。
贝尼给我讲了一个关于你的故事。
贝恩？ 他有什么话要说？
这是一个关于 你女儿在逃 与反生命方程。
我女儿有一种叫做反生命方程式的东西？
嗯。 告诉我更多。
[嘟嘟声。]
陛下，这个芯片是从 Chessure 上撕下来的。
现在我们没有办法了 追踪恶意行为 和反生命方程。
这怎么可能？
- 佩蒂根斯的那个孩子，呃-\r - [不祥的合唱团] ♪ 布兰登！ ♪
正确的。 布兰登.
他保证它永远不会脱落。
他可能没有预料到巨大的鸡会袭击，陛下。
对不起。 但你知道保证意味着什么吗？
[不祥的合唱团] ♪ 一个承诺\r 即一定条件\r 一定会实现的♪
一个承诺 即某些条件 将会实现。
是的。 好吧，布兰登违背了他他妈的诺言。
现在我们不知道反生命方程在哪里。
但我确实知道该去哪里。
好的，您有 Petigans Plus 帐户吗？
布兰登！ 你向我保证了这个追踪芯片
永远无法从我的恶魔猫身上赶走。
哦，我记得你。 是的。
你有你的 Petigans Plus 卡？ 我可以给你退款。
退款并不能给我 我他妈的反生命方程 是吗，布兰登？
你违反了保证。
对此的惩罚是1000年的酷刑。
- 嗯，嗯，陛下？ - 嗯，嗯，什么，德萨德？
我们可能没有 1000年才找到 反生命方程。
嗯，我想每个聚会 需要一个拉屎的人。 这就是我们邀请德萨德的原因。
[不祥的合唱团吟唱]\r ♪ 哈哈哈！ ♪
但也许你是对的。
而不是被折磨一千年，
你将为我服务 阿波克利普斯永恒。
嗯……‘好吧，我可能可以从周四开始。
我得告诉加里， 我的老板在这里——
你现在就开始。
是的，所以海伦说 我需要以某种方式使用它。
这没有道理。 你到底怎么用它？
或者在连核爆炸都无法摧毁的情况下摧毁它？
我们不知道。 好的？
据我所知， 没有办法摧毁它。
嘿嘿，你们看过《驱魔人》吗？
那部电影讲述的是 小女孩着魔了 由恶魔
没有人能弄清楚如何摆脱它？
是的，对。 然后老牧师说：
“嘿，恶魔，当你完成后 和孩子们一起玩耍， 尝试和我做爱。”
哦，是的，然后恶魔们就会说：“开始了！”
正确的。 它跳进了他的体内 牧师就像， “跟你这个恶魔开玩笑。
我要从这扇窗户跳出去。” 他确实做到了。
然后他猛地撞上 楼梯上自杀 他体内的恶魔就死了。
查克，你是在建议吗？ 你邀请反生命 你内心的方程式
然后自杀来摧毁它？
[大声吐口水] 什么？ 天哪。
不，我只是想，\r “驱魔人，\r 那是一部非常好的电影。”
这是刚刚向我建议的 关于我的维利甘犯罪 “观看下一个”列表。
[笑]自杀？ 你是怎么从中得到这个的？
[松了一口气地笑了。]
我很高兴你这么认为 因为那太疯狂了。
太疯狂了， 它可能会起作用。
无论谁读过这个方程， 变成方程。
就像驱魔人告诉我们的那样，
如果他们死了，它就死了。
新心说得对！
风筝人应该使用 反生命方程 并自杀。
谁和我在一起？
- [寓言女王] 我是。 - [萌] 当然。
- 呃什么？ - [贝恩] 谢谢你的死， 风筝人.
- 这是一种优雅的死亡方式。 - 打扰一下？
看来选民已经发话了。
好吧，那么我们就真的这么做了。
我想我必须想出最好的办法
呃，从——上跳下去自杀
等待！ 如果一旦进入他体内怎么办？
反生命方程不会让他自杀吧？
说得好，恶意！ 那...那是计划的 阿喀琉斯之踵。
- 嗯，回来了 到绘图板—— - 否则我会杀了你。
这样你就无法退缩了。
- 砰、砰、砰，死了！ - 哦，他妈的！ 你射得真糟糕。
我会把邪恶的仙女扔出去 干妈看着他。
风筝人我会很高兴 让你爆炸 如果你愿意的话。
那就是，呃，对你们很有帮助。
那么，呃，我们是快速无痛地思考还是——
- [Bane] 嗯，呃，快点-- - 好吧，没人会杀查克。
- 为什么不呢？ - 快点！
- [努南] 谁打电话来 这附近的镜头？ - [Bane] 我真的不介意。
查克，别让他们说服你。
- 我不会就这样失去你。 - 是的。
你总是说我的力量就是我的心。
我的善良。 这曾经让我很生气。
但我没有告诉你 因为我不想 伤害你的感情。
但也许你是对的。
也许善良是一把打开所有门的钥匙
但只锁一个， 通往尽头的门 宇宙的。
这真是太糟糕了。 所以，宝贝，
我得问一下。 丽莎金滑翔机斯纳特，
你会接受愚蠢的老我来拥有和持有吗？
直到死亡，在你的手中， 我们分开吗？
这只是……这只是， 一定是你，宝贝。
请。
是的，查克。 我会做的。
我宁愿自己死，也不愿没有你而活。
但如果你能做出这样的牺牲，那么我也能。
我们需要一分钟。
[风笛演奏。]
嘿，经历了这一切之后... [低声]我知道 一个你可能喜欢的人。
- 还有这个口袋也- - 热的。 我知道。 耶稣。 试试这个。
所以你在说什么 是我女儿 有反生命方程吗？
贝尼说这是宇宙中最强大的武器
每个人都想要它。
包括达克赛德。
- 结束。 - 有趣的。
达克赛德合唱团试镜。
非常有趣。
这菜太瘦了！
你知道，孩子， 你真是个混蛋。
呃，达克赛德？
他们说你的保修无效 一旦你采取 猫身上的芯片。
我他妈的没有把芯片拿出来！
他们欠我全额退款！
陛下，也许您对复仇的渴望难以抑制
被证明是一个致命的缺陷， 这可能会分散注意力 你从你的...
致命什么？
呃，让我们记住 这都是因为 恶意撒谎了。
现在我知道计划是除了努南的以外到处寻找
然而，我抓住了机会。
- 天啊爸爸！ - 她毕竟是在努南家。
我听到 最可怕的谣言 你认为我对你撒了谎。
恶意！ 风筝人 和金色滑翔机 有反生命方程。
不是莱克斯·卢瑟 和海伦·维利根， 就像你告诉我的。
- 还是我错了？ - 好吧，好吧。 他们确实这么做了。
不过没关系， 因为这可能是 已经被摧毁了。
所以你只需要找到一些其他愚蠢的数学问题
操或者任何你想用它做的事。
我不想操它。
坦白说，恶意， 这实在是太粗鲁了。
没有人可以摧毁它。
他们已经尝试用核武器攻击它。
好吧，他们正在尝试不同的方式。
他们正在驱魔。
他们正在使用驱魔规则。
哦，是的。 他妈的，是的。
当恶魔进入牧师的地方，他就自杀了，
所以恶魔也死了。
他都像， “你妈妈很烂鸡巴 在地狱里。
-你妈妈很烂鸡鸡--” - 天哪，布兰登！
- 此王座室未评级 NC-布兰登。 - 对不起。
哪里……哪里去了 佩蒂根斯找到这个孩子了吗？
无论如何，这就是他们正在做的事情。
[低声] 陛下，这实际上可能会破坏方程式。
德萨德，如果你在聚会上
而且你分不清谁是拉屎的
你就是那个拉屎的。
你就是个大便鬼，德萨德！
你的朋友们，他们在哪里？
我不会告诉你因为 我不会让你杀了他们。
你刚才说他们正在使用驱魔规则。
这意味着他们想自杀。
一旦我有了方程， 我会让他们活下去。
所以这似乎是你拯救他们的唯一方法
就是告诉我他们在哪里！
多少纤维 是一个应该摄入的 在该死的肠子之前——
- 嗨，贝尼！ - 戈尔迪！ 我真是担心死了！
我当时是80年代。
你不能独自流浪到八十年代。
这是不安全的。
没有汽车座椅。 没有人涂防晒霜。
我的意思是，光是发胶就能让你窒息而死。
我看到陈丽贝卡公主了！
你和她说话了吗？
我告诉她这个故事 关于反生命的方程式。
嗯，好吧， 希望这没什么大不了的。
嗯，我想这是一个最好的结局。
你确定要完成这个吗？
我确定，宝贝，也是我唯一更确定的事情
丽莎·斯纳特是最漂亮的，
我见过的最有趣、最聪明的女孩。
我会用我的余生来爱你。
我不只是这么说 因为也许有像 还剩五分钟。
[哭泣]我不想杀你，查克。
- [抽泣] - 我知道你不知道，宝贝。
这就是它成为英雄的原因。
[呻吟声。]
现在记住，我是唯一能读到这篇文章的人。
如果它落入别人的手中，甚至是你的手中，
它是 adios Universe-io。
话，宝贝！ 开始造词了！
好吧，让我们开始这个聚会吧。
[叹气]查克，这需要很长时间。
- 怎么样了？ - 我不会撒谎，宝贝。
以为这个方程会有更多图片。
哟，哦，该死的， 我失去了我的位置。
好吧，我要从头开始。
[叹息。]
[咕噜声。]
- 你有 为了读得更快，宝贝。 - 不需要！
反生命方程现在是我的了。
得到它！
- [猛击] - [喘气]
[贝恩] 呃，呃，呃。
如果你想要公文包， 你必须通过我们。
去你妈的，莱克斯·卢瑟！
- [爆炸] - [莱克斯呻吟]
[莱克斯吹口哨。]
[莫伊大喊。]
- [贝恩的呻吟声和重击声] - [努南咯咯笑]
[金色滑翔机尖叫起来。]
[寓言女王大喊。]
故事时间到了！
[咯咯笑]饼干！
[咕噜声]谢谢。
[努南呻吟着。]
[尖叫和咕哝。]
这只是没有任何... 哦！ 好吧，看看那个。
把这该死的东西倒过来读。
我们开始吧。 那是我的事！
[两人都咕哝着。]
亲爱的， 先请我喝一杯——
- [电力噼啪声] - [六块腹肌尖叫]
[玩具人咯咯笑。]
邪仙教母？
祝他们永远幸福。
[男人尖叫。]
- [电力噼啪声] - [男人大喊]
哇！ 生活圈子。
[都在笑。]
- [爆炸] - [呻吟]
[不祥的合唱团吟唱]\r ♪ 达克赛德！ 这是达克赛德！ ♪
♪ 你现在彻底完蛋了\r 因为它是达克赛德！
最后！ 反生命方程是我的！
恶意，你出卖了我们？
只因为 我不想让你死。 好的？
那是一... 你怎么称呼它？
莎莉的选择！
是的！
[不祥的合唱团圣歌]\r ♪ 呃-哦，他不会喜欢这样的！ ♪
继续阅读，风筝人！ 我们抓不住他太久了！
[不祥的合唱团圣歌]\r ♪ 他会杀了你们所有人\r 放弃吧！ ♪
[不祥的合唱团圣歌]\r ♪ 告诉你了！ ♪
快到了！
[尖叫。]
不！ 不！ [呻吟]
[抽泣] 妈的！ 我不想杀你，查克！
别让我这么做！
[咕哝着。]
[金色滑翔机尖叫。]
啊! [尖叫声]
不。[抽泣]不。
[风筝人尖叫。]
【黄金滑翔机】宝贝，快点。
[不祥合唱团]\r ♪ 陈丽贝卡？ ♪
- 妈妈？ - 哦，嗨！
我穿越时空 当我听说你是 搞砸了。
别说我从来没有为你做过什么。
[不祥合唱团]\r ♪ 噢！ 甜的！ ♪
[风筝人尖叫。]
[陈丽贝卡] 明白了！
拿到那本童话书！
- [达克赛德咆哮]给我 那本书！ - 贝恩！ 贝恩！ 这里！
- 在这里！ 把那本书扔给我！ - 恐怕我做不到。
火星猎人？
好吧，他妈的！
不是今天，达克赛德。 风筝人和金滑翔机，
你的勇敢消除了威胁。
好工作。
我会从这里拿走它。
什么... 那个混蛋拿走了我的书！
火星 他妈的 猎人。
那里，那里，莱克斯。
宇宙中还会有其他最强大的武器。
查克，宝贝，
哦，我很高兴你没有死。
唷，我也是，宝贝。
哇。 格斯确实为我们做到了。
谁能想到他是一个变形的超级英雄？
谁认为我的名字叫诺曼。
你们这些蠢货。 他只是假装 成为格斯。
你知道吗？ 他有那种表情 并肯定降低声音。
[咕哝着。]
我是如此接近。
好的。 现在，达克赛德大人， 我知道你很生气--
但好消息是， 我认为
现在有一个人可以帮助我们。
- 他的名字是- -李·特维诺。
朋友你好。 [笑声]
所以，天父， 关于那个小谎言
- 我只是想-- - 没关系，恶意。
- 你是邪恶而来的。 诚实地。 - 伟大的。 谢谢。
现在火星猎人拿到了公文包，
我还得再花一千年的时间去寻找它。
那么你认为格斯担任火星猎人多久了？
我想说大约八个小时。
还好有人足够聪明
将该游戏棋子从棋盘上拿走。
嘿，努南，嘿，大家， 抱歉我已经走了。
被要求在旧的履行中心轮班。
努力工作或几乎不工作。 [笑]我说得对吗？
我想我更喜欢另一个人。
[叹气]没想到啤酒的味道会这么甜。
- 我不会这么做的，查克。 - 什么？
杀了你。
我知道我说过我会的 但我也知道我不能。
但是宝贝， 你要做什么
一旦我读完这件事？
当我妈妈出现时，我还在做这件事。
你认为她为什么这么做？
是为了救我，还是为了得到反生命方程式？
好吧，如果我必须打赌的话， 我会把一切都穿上
拯救你，因为她爱你。
是的，她爱我。
是的。 我想不出任何其他原因。
[丽贝卡·陈咯咯地笑起来。]
我们有世界来摧毁我的童话恶魔。
- 你和我在一起吗 姜饼人？ - 是啊！
你们都和我在一起吗？
[所有人欢呼。]
那么让我们开始吧。
[恶意地笑。]
啊! 一个人和一只风筝有一些事情。
- 我能问你一件事吗？ - 任何事，宝贝。
等式。 它说了什么？
上面写着，前方是蓝天。
噢，喜欢那个。
并且爱你。
天哪，是啊！
[不祥的合唱团圣歌]\r ♪ 第一季结束！ ♪
[主题音乐播放。]
How's it going down there, Chuck?
Real good, babe. [groans]
Is the Anti-Life Equation affecting you the same way it did the chicken?
No, babe, but I am being affected a teensy-weensy bit... [groans]
From all the trees you're slamming me into.
Oh. [chuckles] Sorry.
Sometimes I forget you're down there.
- As long as you don't say that in bed, babe. - [both laugh]
[thuds]
[Golden Glider yelps]
I think you've run long enough.
[scoffs] How did you find us?
I got this, babe.
Is it because I search for highly rated Anti-Life Equation
disposal options near me?
Yes. And thank you.
- Knew it! - Babe!
Sorry, babe. I thought it was worth a shot.
Well, we're not giving you the Anti-Life Equation.
Chuck and I will die to protect it.
- Oh, dang it! - Chuck!
I'm sorry, babe. I am so sorry.
If you want it back, I have a price.
A talk with me, face to face.
- My robots will escort you. - Oh, right, so you can kill us. No way.
I thought you might say that.
- Which is why I brought an olive branch. - Pass.
All the olive branches, olive oils, and pimento olives in the world
won't get us there because, newsflash, I don't like olives!
Do you like this?
- My kite? - I saved it from the fire,
which is what I want to do for you.
You can't spend your life on the run, Kite Man.
It's time you faced this.
Trust me.
[theme music playing]
We've run that simulation millions of times.
And it always comes out the same.
All life in the universe is extinguished.
- The end of everything. - Including my customers.
Which is why I don't want this to happen.
It is inspiring how much you care for your customers.
- Well, they're always right. - Mmm, unless they're dead.
Precisely! Which is what I'm trying to avoid.
No matter the variable,
the simulation always ends that way.
With one exception.
You, Kite Man.
There's a scenario where you use the Anti-Life Equation
and this doesn't happen.
Uh, cool.
- Why not? - Yeah.
Why not?
I wish we knew.
But the fate of the world is in your capab...
Well, your hands.
But it won't be easy.
Lex wants the equation to kill Superman,
and has no clue he'll kill us all.
We've dealt with Lex before.
But you've never dealt with Darkseid.
He's hunting you, too,
and if he gets the equation, we're all dead.
So whatever you do, do it quickly.
Okay...
I can't believe I'm going to fucking say this,
but godspeed, Kite Man!
[suspenseful music playing]
Drinking light beer these days, huh Gus?
Yeah. I just thought I'd switch it up, Nooman.
- Nooman? - [Bane] Goddam it!
I've been tugging coffee and prune juice,
but I'm stuffed up like a hydroelectric dam.
Sometimes the best laxative
is a little thing called patience.
Shove it, dickbag!
I have no time for your patience.
I have to poop in the Portal Potty right now
so I can go back to the '80s and find Goldilocks!
She's probably 'lone and scared
and this close to trying to get famous
by singing in a mall.
Yeah, kids are easy to lose.
I have one or two kiddos wander off every field trip,
and perish.
[Bane] That is weird and not helpful.
Helen says it's up to you to save us.
So, what's your plan?
Ooh, uh, I was kind of hoping
something would hit me on the way over.
Uh... Oh! I know.
Yes! That's my Chuck!
I'll take a shower.
That's where I get my best ideas.
What kind of idea we lookin' for?
Oh, you know, just one that allows us to defeat two apex villains
while also destroying a heretofore undestroyable cosmic weapon.
Anything coming to mind?
Just if we're making war plans,
we should adjourn to the war room.
[Sixpack grunts]
[Kite Man] We have a basement?
This is why you use a real estate agent.
[Jazzercise Instructor] And side to side! And side to side!
And glute and chute! And glute and chute!
Are you Princess Rebecca Chen?
You look beautiful!
I better. If I'm gonna be the next Sheena Easton,
I gotta up my leg game.
What do you want, kid? You shit here from the future?
I went number two and it sent me back in time.
And Baney told me a story 'bout you.
Bane? What did he have to say?
It's a story about your daughter on the run with the Anti-Life 'quation.
My daughter has something called the Anti-Life Quation?
Mmm. Tell me more.
[beeping]
Sire, this chip was torn from Chessure.
Now we have no way of tracking Malice and the Anti-Life Equation.
How is that possible?
- That kid from Petigans, uh- - [Ominous Choir] ♪ Brandon! ♪
Right. Brandon.
He guaranteed it would never dislodge.
He probably didn't anticipate the giant chicken attack, sire.
I'm sorry. But do you know what guarantee means?
[Ominous Choir] ♪ A promise That certain conditions Will be fulfilled ♪
A promise that certain conditions will be fulfilled.
Yes. Well, Brandon broke his fucking promise.
And now we don't know where the Anti-Life Equation is.
But I do know exactly where to go.
Okay, and do you have a Petigans Plus account?
Brandon! You guaranteed me this tracking chip
could never be dislodged from my demon cat.
Oh, I remember you. Yeah.
You have your Petigans Plus card? I could give you a refund.
A refund doesn't give me my fucking Anti-Life Equation, does it, Brandon?
You broke a guarantee.
And the punishment for that is torture for 1,000 years.
- Um, um, sire? - Um, um, what, DeSaad?
We probably don't have 1,000 years to find the Anti-Life Equation.
Well, I guess every party needs a pooper. That's why we invited DeSaad.
[Ominous Choir chanting] ♪ Ha ha ha! ♪
But perhaps you're right.
Instead of being tortured for 1,000 years,
you will serve me on Apokolips for eternity.
Um... 'Kay, I could probably start Thursday.
I gotta tell Gary, my boss here--
You'll start right now.
Yeah, so Helen says I need to use it somehow.
That doesn't make sense. How the hell do you use it?
Or destroy it when even a nuclear blast couldn't?
We don't have any idea. Okay?
As far as I know, there's no way to destroy it.
Hey, hey, you guys ever seen The Exorcist?
That movie about the little girl possessed by the demon
and nobody can figure out how to get rid of it?
Yeah, right. And then the old priest says,
"Hey, demon, when you're done playing with the kids, try and fuck with me."
Oh, yeah, and then the demons like, "It's on!"
Right. And it jumps into him and the priest is all like, "Joke's on you demon.
I'm jumping out this window." And he does.
And he slams into the stairs, kills himself and the demon dies inside him.
Chuck, are you suggesting that you invite the Anti-Life Equation inside you
and then kill yourself to destroy it?
[spitting loudly] What? Holy shit.
No, I was just like, "The Exorcist, that's a pretty good movie."
It was just suggested to me on my Villigans Crime "Watch Next" list.
[chuckling] Kill myself? How did you get that from that?
[laughs in relief]
I'm glad you think so, because that's just crazy.
So crazy, it just might work.
Whoever reads the equation, becomes the equation.
And like The Exorcist tells us,
if they die, it dies.
Newheart is right!
Kite Man should use the Anti-Life Equation and kill himself.
Who's with me?
- [Queen of Fables] I am. - [Moe] Of course.
- Uh what? - [Bane] Thanks for dying, Kite Man.
- That's a classy way to die. - Excuse me?
Looks like the voters have spoken.
Okay, so we're really doing this then.
Guess I'll, uh, have to figure out the best thing
to, uh, throw myself to the death off of--
Wait! What if once it's in him,
the Anti-Life Equation won't let him kill himself?
Great point, Malice! That... That is the plan's Achilles heel.
- Well, back to the drawing board-- - Or I'll kill you.
That way you can't back out.
- Boom, bam, bing, dead! - Ooh, fuck that! You're a terrible shot.
I'll throw the Evil Fairy Godmother at him.
Kite Man, I'd be happy to 'splode you if you'd like me to.
That is, uh, so helpful of you guys.
So, uh, are we thinking quick and painless or--
- [Bane] Well, uh, quick-- - Okay, nobody's killing Chuck.
- Why not? - Come on!
- [Noonan] Who calls the shots around here? - [Bane] I don't mind really.
Chuck, don't let them talk you into it.
- I won't lose you like this. - Yeah.
You've always said my power is my heart.
My kindness. Which used to make me so mad.
But I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe kindness is a key that opens all doors,
but only locks one, the door to the end of the universe.
Which is a dooz. So, Babe,
I have to ask. Lisa Golden Glider Snart,
will you take silly old me to have and to hold,
till death, at your hands, do us part?
It's... It's just, it has to be you, babe.
Please.
Yes, Chuck. I'll do it.
I'd rather be dead myself than live without you.
But if you can make this sacrifice, then I can too.
We need a minute.
[bagpipes playing]
Hey, after all this... [whispers] I know a guy you might like.
- And this pocket is too- - Hot. I know. Jesus. Try this.
So what you're saying is my daughter has the Anti-Life Equation?
Baney said it's the most powerful weapon in the universe
and everybody wants it.
'cluding Darkseid.
- The end. - Interesting.
Darkseid Choir auditions.
Very interesting.
This cuisine is too lean!
You know, kid, you're a real cunt.
Uh, Darkseid?
They said your warranty voided as soon as you took the chip out of the cat.
I didn't take the fucking chip out!
They owe me a full refund!
Sire, perhaps your unquenchable thirst for revenge
is proving a fatal flaw, that may be distracting you from your...
Fatal what?
Uh, let's remember this is all because Malice lied.
Now I know the plan was to look everywhere but Noonan's,
however, I took a chance.
- God-daddy! - She was at Noonan's after all.
I'm hearing the most awful rumor that you think I lied to you.
Malice! Kite Man and Golden Glider have the Anti-Life Equation.
Not Lex Luthor and Helen Villigan, like you told me.
- Or am I wrong? - Okay, fine. They do.
But it doesn't matter, because it's probably already destroyed.
So you'll just have to find some other stupid math problem
to fuck or whatever you want to do with it.
I don't want to fuck it.
And quite frankly, Malice, that's just really crass.
No human can destroy it.
They already tried to nuke it.
Well, they're trying a different way.
They're exorcist-ing it.
They're using exorcist rules.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Where the demon enters the priest, he kills himself,
so the demon dies, too.
He's all like, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
- Your mother sucks cocks--" - Jesus Christ, Brandon!
- This throne room isn't rated NC-Brandon. - Sorry.
Where... Where did Petigans find this kid?
Anyway, that's what they're doing.
[whispers] Sire, that might actually destroy the Equation.
DeSaad, if you're at a party
and you can't tell who the pooper is,
you're the pooper.
You're the pooper, DeSaad!
Your friends, where are they?
I won't tell you because I won't let you kill them.
You just said they're using exorcist rules.
Which means they're trying to kill themselves.
Once I have the equation, I'll let them live.
So it seems the only way for you to save them
is to tell me where they are!
How much fiber is one supposed to ingest before a goddam bowel-
- Hi, Baney! - Goldi! I was worried sick!
I was in the '80s.
You cannot go wandering by yourself into the '80s.
It is not safe.
There are no car seats. No one wears sunblock.
I mean, the hairspray alone could choke you to death.
I saw Princess Rebecca Chen!
Did you talk to her?
I told her the story 'bout the Anti-Life 'Quation.
Hmm, well, hopefully, that's no big deal.
Well, I suppose this is as good a spot as any for an ending.
Are you sure you wanna go through with this?
I'm sure, babe, and the only thing I'm even more sure of
is that Lisa Snart is the prettiest,
funniest, smartiest doggone girl I ever saw.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
And I'm not just saying that 'cause maybe there's like five minutes left in it.
[crying] I don't want to kill you, Chuck.
- [sobs] - I know you don't, babe.
That's what makes it hero stuff.
[moans]
Now remember, I'm the only one who can read this thing.
If it falls into anyone else's hands, even yours,
It is adios universe-io.
Words, babe! It's starting to make words!
Okay, let's get this party started.
[sighs] Chuck, it's taking kind of a long time.
- How's it going? - I'm not gonna lie, babe.
Thought this equation would have more pictures.
Yo, oh, darn it, I lost my place.
Okay, I'm just gonna start from the top.
[sighs]
[grunting]
- You've got to read faster, babe. - No need!
The Anti-Life Equation is mine now.
Get it!
- [slams] - [gasps]
[Bane] Nuh, uh, uh.
If you want the briefcase, you've got to go through us.
Fuck you, Lex Luthor!
- [explodes] - [Lex groans]
[Lex whistles]
[Moe yells]
- [Bane groans and thuds] - [Noonan cackles]
[Golden Glider yelps]
[Queen of Fables yells]
It's story time!
[cackles] Cookie!
[grunts] Thanks.
[Noonan groans]
[screaming and grunting]
This just isn't making any... Oh! Okay, look at that.
Reading the dang thing upside down.
There we go. That's on me!
[both grunting]
Sweetheart, buy me a drink first--
- [electricity crackling] - [Sixpack yelps]
[Toyman cackles]
Evil Fairy Godmother?
Give 'em a happily ever after.
[men scream]
- [electricity crackling] - [men yelling]
Wow! Circle of life.
[all laughing]
- [exploding] - [groans]
[Ominous Choir chanting] ♪ Darkseid! It's Darkseid! ♪
♪ You're totally screwed now 'Cause it's Darkseid!
Finally! The Anti-Life Equation is mine!
Malice, you sold us out?
Only because I didn't want you to die. Okay?
It was a... What do you call it?
A Sally's choice!
Yeah!
[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ Uh-oh he won't like that! ♪
Keep reading, Kite Man! We can't hold him for long!
[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ He'll kill you all Just give up! ♪
[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ Told ya! ♪
Almost there!
[screaming]
No! No! [groans]
[sobs] Shit! I don't wanna kill you, Chuck!
Don't make me do this!
[grunts]
[Golden Glider screaming]
Ah! [yelps]
No. [sobbing] No.
[Kite Man screaming]
[Golden Glider] Babe, hurry.
[Ominous Choir] ♪ Rebecca Chen? ♪
- Mom? - Oh, hi!
I traveled through time when I heard you were messed up in this.
Don't say I never did anything for you.
[Ominous Choir] ♪ Aw! Sweet! ♪
[Kite Man screaming]
[Rebecca Chen] Gotcha!
Get that fairy tale book!
- [Darkseid growls] Give me that book! - Bane! Bane! Here!
- Over here! Throw me that book! - I'm afraid I can't do that.
Martian Manhunter?
Well, fuck!
Not today, Darkseid. Kite Man and Golden Glider,
your bravery has neutralized the threat.
Good job.
I'll take it from here.
What the... That motherfucker took my book!
Martian motherfucking Manhunter.
There, there, Lex.
There'll be other most powerful weapons in the universe.
Chuck, babe,
oh, I'm so glad you're not dead.
Phew, me too, babe.
Wow. Gus really came through for us.
Who would've guessed he was a shape-shifting superhero?
Who thinks my name is Nooman.
You dumb shits. He was just pretending to be Gus.
You know what? He's got that look and voice down for sure.
[grunts]
I was so close.
Okay. Now, Lord Darkseid, I know you're pretty steamed--
But the good news is, I think
there's one fella who can help us now.
- And his name is- - Lee Trevino.
Hello, friend. [chuckles]
So, god-daddy, about the little fib,
- I was only trying to-- - It's okay, Malice.
- You come by evil. Honestly. - Great. Thanks.
And now that Martian Manhunter has the briefcase,
I'll have to spend another millennium looking for it.
So how long you think Gus was Martian Manhunter?
I'd say about eight hours.
Good thing somebody was smart enough
to take that game piece off the board.
Hey, Noonan, hey, all, sorry that I've been gone.
Got called in for a shift at the old fulfillment center.
Working hard or hardly working. [chuckling] Am I right?
I think I prefer the other guy.
[sighs] Never thought a beer could taste so sweet.
- I wasn't gonna do it, Chuck. - What?
Kill you.
I know I said I would, but I also knew I couldn't.
But babe, what were you gonna do
once I finished reading the thing?
I was still working on that when my mom showed up.
Why do you think she did it?
To save me or to get the Anti-Life Equation?
Well, if I had to wager, I'd put everything on
to save you because she loves you.
Yeah, She loves me.
Yeah. I can't think of any other reason.
[Rebecca Chen cackles]
We have worlds to destroy my fairy tale demons.
- Are you with me, Gingerbread Man? - Ya!
Are you all with me?
[all cheering]
Then let us begin.
[laughs maliciously]
Ah! There's something about a man and a kite.
- Can I ask you something? - Anything, babe.
The equation. What did it say?
It said blue skies ahead.
Aw, love that.
And love you.
Hell, yeah!
[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ End of season one! ♪
[theme music playing]