Cal, as you can see...
...it's chaos here.
It's going to be a little squeezy in here.
This place hasn't functioned as a parliament for 35 years. I've been doing this job a long time.
Would you like a little drink, perhaps, to calm the nerves?
Maybe a little settler? Mmm-hmm.
Is it true you were gonna call your party the Penny Evans Experience,
and then somebody pointed out that'd make you the Pee Party?
I've been telling you for over a year now...
Exactly.
...you need to get a media manager, but you didn't want to spend the money.
Now we have one, because I've had a brainwave.
-Frank.
A footy columnist, no doubt.
The hardest, the toughest school there is...
When was the last time he worked, Cleaver?
You stole the US Defense Secretary's phone,
you took a snap of your penis,
and you sexted it to the Italian ambassador and others.
I used to think that there was a rock bottom, and then I realized there is no rock bottom.
It's just one giant abyss that keeps going down and down.
Not a terrorist attack, you say?
Turds and cleaning fluids in a lethal combination.
This was just an accident.
Fuck!
Oh, God, what's that? Oh!
My alarm.
It's quarter to five.
Which is a what?
It's a time in the morning.
There's a quarter to five in the morning?
Oh, I've got to get to the studio.
Mmm. Big day.
Mmm. Okay. Okay, you go, girl.
I told the people of Australia it was a terrorist attack.
I told them terrorists killed Brian Oatley,
when really he just had a coronary while he was rooting Astrid.
It wasn't a terrorist attack, Gar.
It was shitty plumbing. I could go to jail!
Oh, stop, stop. No one's going to go to jail.
Shitty plumbing's not a criminal offense,
and anyway, it was under Labor's watch.
-That's not the point, and you know it. -Mmm...
-Get off!
Eh, no, look, you're the Prime Minister, right?
I'm the Minister for Homeland Security.
Between us, and Joe and Greg,
we've got it sorted, don't you worry. It'll be all right.
Mmm.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
It's after 5:00. Gotta go. Ness is getting a bit suspicious.
Oh, Christ, that's all I need right now.
You'll be all right. She doesn't think it's you.
Oh, God.
Oh, liquid, liquid.
This toothpaste's disgusting.
Are you using my toothbrush?
-Oh, this is revolting. -It's organic. It's Chinese.
It's like deep-fried duck tongue and fermented tofu.
I'm not smearing that on my fangs.
It fights bacteria.
Well, they all fight bacteria, don't they?
I mean, that's the name of the game, isn't it?
I mean, Jesus Christ. I'm gonna get you some proper toothpaste.
Oh, Cleaver, look, I really do like you, but this has to be a one-off, I'm afraid.
I'm actually seeing someone... important.
So, don't go to any trouble buying me toothpaste.
Yeah, yeah... yeah.
Sure. I mean, I don't know what you...
what you think I was thinking.
Where's my bloody suit pack?
Why would I be having the day off?
What the bloody hell's going on?
Oh, really?
The whole show?
Cal?
They've given me the day off.
The day off? Mmm.
Today?
-Yep.
Is this about her? It's about her, isn't it?
Yes, it's about her.
My suit pack is nowhere to be found.
Well, it must be here somewhere.
It's nowhere.
You did pick it up from the concierge at Da Vinci's.
Of course, I picked it up from the concierge.
You... you needed to go to the loo.
Uh, we agreed to meet outside.
I went back in to get my pack. I bumped into Greg Peters.
I got distracted. I don't have my fucking suit pack.
Oh, my God! It's got my phone, my wallet.
I'm speaking in the Senate this morning. Oh, my...
Can you give me a lift in your car?
I'm getting picked up by a studio car.
Sorry, mate, I can live without the gossip.
Okay, well, could you please spot me some cash, then
Oh, well, I've only got a couple of bucks. I just do cards these days.
Cashless fuckin' economy! What about coins on the floor?
Coins on the... Come on! I mean, Jesus Christ.
What if you need an emergency game of pool,
or a packet of Tic Tacs or something? No coins.
Parliament is like a 15-minute walk from here.
You must have a spare suit and stuff there. Everybody does.
Okay, so 15-minute walk dressed as a zebra,
in the nation's capital.
Oh, where's my head, by the way?
Your head? -My head. My head.
My zebra head. I haven't seen...
I have no idea!
This is...
This is why I hate fancy dress, all right?
Aside from the fact that I'm always the last person in the hire shop,
and all the good cossies have gone.
You know, all those guys last night
dressed as fuckin' Cary Grant, Batman, fuckin' Thor.
I'm there as a zebra with Type 2 Diabetes.
-Head's nowhere! Fuck this!
If I don't get my head back, I don't get my deposit back. Okay?
Hi.
Hello, poppet. How are you?
Wends, I think I might have mentioned it before,
but her name is Winsome, or in lighter moments, Winnie.
Yeah, no, you have. You have mentioned that.
Missy Miss, do you mind if we just turn the music off,
so I can listen to Fran?
Oh, this is her favorite song.
She's been in a bit of a mood this morning, so...
Well, can you put those buds in her ears or something?
Oh, gosh, no, she's way too little for buds.
This is a key stage in the development of her auditory canals--
Okay, I don't know if you've noticed
in the year that you've been living here, Missy,
but there are actually just a couple of rituals that I really enjoy.
And listening to Fran, and having a cup of tea in my kitchen is one of them.
Wends, please don't adopt that aggressive tone in front of her.
Okay, I wasn't intending to be aggressive.
She can also detect insincerity.
Look, why don't we make up a roster...
-No!
Why don't we not make a roster?
Why don't I have a cup of tea in my kitchen?
You've got the run of the rest of the house.
We're talking about the welfare of your granddaughter.
We're not talking about anyone's welfare, Missy.
We're talking about a political chat show and a cup of tea in my kitchen.
We're talking about me having some space in my own fuckin' house!
Wendy, I'm hearing a lot of "me" here.
Are you putting your own needs ahead of Winsome's--
Yes, I am putting my own needs ahead of Winnie.
Fucking hell, "Winnie?"
I mean, Missy, really, that is just cruel.
It's not a name! It's a sound a fucking horse makes!
I mean, what were you thinking of?
Churchill, or the bear, or Winnie Mandela, or...
Wendy, may I suggest you take your tea, and your negative energy,
and you return to your room,
which I believe has a functioning radio.
What are you doing?
Oh, bloody batteries!
I'm trying to turn this wretched thing off.
Hey!
That's my... that's my head!
Gimme back... Where'd you get my head?
If I don't get my head back, I don't get my deposit back.
Come back here, you prick!
Gimme... Oh, fuck ya! Oh!
Senator Greene... I don't quite know how else to put this.
What are you wearing, and why are you wearing it?
I'd appreciate some privacy at this difficult time.
What difficult time? You're wearing a headless zebra costume.
Where's the head?
Uh, well, that's a question that all of Australia
should be asking itself right now, wouldn't you say?
Senator Senator?
-Hello. Good morning.
I'm from the Department of Community Services.
We're looking for Miss Melissa Partridge.
You called Community Services on me?
Is something the matter?
No, Amy, come on. You're right on time.
Um, I will be in my office if you need me. Good day to you both.
-Come on through.
I'm just so confused.
I really have no idea.
Yeah... no idea. That's good.
Good? Hearts are breaking out there, Wendy, and it's my fault.
No, Amy, it's...
You know, you are being honest with yourself, and that's...
You remember, it's all there, it's in my book, in chapter 12.
You're talking numbers to me, Wendy.
I'll give you numbers.
Two marriages, seven kids, one big business.
There's a lot at stake here.
I mean, I know what the right thing to do is,
but I'm just not sure it's what I want.
Toby is such a sweetheart, and the kids...
Wendy, I am in the middle of a crisis here.
Are you paying me any attention at all?
I'm sorry. It's a really strange day.
Well, I am paying you above the odds, Wendy.
We all have our strange days.
I'm not convinced that you do have strange days, you know?
You've been coming to me for three years, and it's always the exact same story.
You know? Toby's a sweetheart, Kit's an animal. It never changes.
Your days are all screwed up,
so that means, by definition, that they're not actually strange,
do you understand me?
You know, if you fuck a gorilla once, then that is strange, and it's sad.
But if you fuck a gorilla every single day,
then you're just into fucking gorillas.
-Mmm.
That's your professional opinion, is it?
That is my professional opinion.
Well, I shan't be darkening your doorstep again.
Well, I don't blame you.
You know, in three years, we have achieved absolutely bugger-all.
-Yes.
Yes, yes, I'm sure it's all over the net by now, isn't it?
Yes. -Yes, yes.
Well, after you've had your little chuckle,
can you just find me my spare suit and shirt,
and we can crack on, 'cause I've got a speech to make.
Okay, this spare suit and shirt would be...
Well, here.
Right. -In the closet.
Oh, okay. Well, you show me where the magical closet is.
Are you telling me I don't have a spare suit?
Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you, Cleaver.
Everybody has a spare suit.
Nicole, I'm really starting to doubt your level of comp--
You had four spare suits before the Andy Chow passed.
Okay, call up Da Vinci's, please,
and tell them that I left my suit pack there...
And it's a national emergency.
And, yes, it's a national emergency.
They're not open, Cleaver, and you're on in 15 minutes.
Why did you put me down to talk about banking in the first place?
I mean, I don't know anything about... What do I know?
You said you wanted to raise your profile, and banking is a very big issue.
-I thought it'd be great for you. -Reschedule it.
I can't, it's the Senate, it's not a dental appointment.
Well, what are we...
I mean, they're not gonna let me in there like this, are they?
Hey, don't be like that.
I think that you look really lovely as a zebra.
Come on.
I've seen you spin weirder shit in court.
Okay. I'm not...
-I'm gonna take this as a challenge. -Mmm-hmm.
Okay, can you find out everything
there is to know about where zebras come from. Okey-dokey. Zebras.
Mr. President, I have recently discovered,
to my great shock,
that instead of being born in Deniliquin, New South Wales,
and christened Fiona Eileen Boyd, as I truly believed...
it transpires that I was born in Gdańsk, Poland,
and christened Fiomnana Anastazja Laszlo.
It was therefore utterly bewildering
to discover that I had Polish citizenship at the time of the election,
and so I shall be resigning from the Senate forthwith.
Shame! -About time.
My parents, Lech and Henryka, who are currently
visiting relatives in Gdańsk,
are mortified that they forgot to tell me this detail,
but in fairness to them, they do have limited English.
Oh, for fuck's sake, I thought we'd cleaned all this shit up.
-Lu Yuhuan.
And he's Australian?
She. She is a naturalized Australian
who announced her Chinese citizenship.
That's not my point, Gar.
It's not the gender I'm concerned about. It's the Australian-ness.
We need to look dinkum again. We can appoint anyone we want, right?
Well, as a place-filler till the next election, yeah.
All right. We need to get someone old school.
Someone who can scare the shit out of them.
We need the limelight back on us.
Fuck, fuck.
-Fuck you!
Okay.
Oh my God, you piece of shit!
Okay, good.
The Senate is debating the proposed amendments
to the Banking and Financial Regulations Act 2015.
-Ah, yes, Mr. President.
You must be aware that your costume,
or whatever it may be described as, is beyond inappropriate.
How is that, Mr. President?
Senator Greene, don't toy with me.
There are standing orders which you are aware of.
Yes, Mr. President,
I would respectfully refer you
to one of the great former Speakers of the other place,
the luminous Sir Billy Snedden who, in 1977,
issued a ruling allowing the wearing of safari suits in the lower house,
and I would respectfully submit, Mr. President,
that my current attire is nothing, if not a safari suit.
All right, go. Print.
Well, you were printing before.
I don't need a cable. It doesn't need a cable!
Well, because I've used all the paper!
This is like the Year 9 library printer!
Very well, Mr. Greene. May as well kick things off.
Mr. President, I really must object.
Sit down, Senator Potter.
Proceed, Senator Greene.
Thank you, Mr. President.
I shall proceed...
Are you seriously gonna let him speak, you moron?
For Christ's sake! The man is wearing a zebra suit.
Kick him out! Don't let him talk!
Fuck!
Shit!
That... and that.
Mr. President, I don't know
if this chamber is aware
that today is
Botswanan Independence Day.
And that the national symbol of Botswana is the zebra,
surely one of the most, if not the most,
magnificent creature in all of God's creation.
Mr. President, point of order.
Oh, now it's frickin' Gollum!
May I point out that Senator Greene's remarks
are simply un-Australian.
For a member of this chamber to suggest
that any foreign animal could be as majestic as a kangaroo
is simply un-Australian, and I ask that it be withdrawn.
Resume your seat, Senator Evans.
Okay, thank you.
Oh!
Something isn't more beautiful than something else
just because it was born in Australia.
Well, it bloody well is.
Well, you know, I mean, I'd probably find
-a syphilitic iguana more beautiful...
...on many levels than Senator Evans,
and she's an Australian animal.
You are both warned!
Mr. President, I defer, of course,
to Senator Greene's obvious expertise
when it comes to matters of lizards and syphilis.
You are both warned!
Oh!
You all right? It's okay. Don't worry.
Yep. Oh, fuck you!
Get myself up, everybody. I'm fine!
Thank you for helping me!
Now, I can see,
uh, just looking around this chamber here today,
I can see a look of utter bewilderment on their faces,
as they're all clearly wondering,
what is this mysterious connection
between Botswanan Independence and the mighty zebra.
Take them, take them.
Take them to the senator.
Oh, fuck.
And so,
we turn to history... Oh, please!
And...
Mr. President,
I have here,
uh, a list before me of...
...six massive foreign investment banks which are going to apply for tax exemption
under the amendments before this chamber today.
Now, each of these banks seems to boast, on its website,
that they started life as a humble trading company
in 19th-century Africa,
and each of which, one might therefore reasonably assume,
is complicit in such matters as,
-shall we say, slavery.
Shall we say, rape and pillage. Absolutely preposterous!
What about the hunting down of animals such as the noble zebra,
the skinning of them,
sending of their hides back to Great Britain...
Senator Greene, you are warned!
...where they ended their days sadly, pathetically,
under the chubby pink buttocks
of the noble burghers of London.
-Senator, you have been warned!
This, Mr. President,
is the coat of arms, the proud coat of arms,
of the British investment bank, Quist Farrow,
who, apparently, made their first million pounds or so
on the backs of the people of Botswana.
Mr. President, I propose that all Commonwealth nations
boycott Quist Farrow and its brother money factories
until taxes and reparations are made...
Well done.
...with interest. And I further propose
that this government stop suckin' up to these banks.
This was supposed to be a boring, dull-as-dishwater,
nobody-gives-a-shit set of amendments to an Act nobody understands.
Except our donors. -Precisely.
And now, because of this clown,
there is gonna be dedicated scrutiny of what we are doing,
and dedicated scrutiny is the last thing
this government can afford right now.
This was supposed to go through on the voices!
Now, it's a shrieking fucking mess!
I thought I had it all here at home.
But then a chance encounter drew me to a Pacific island.
These are just four of 200 kids
I've been spending six years helping, to varying degrees of success.
I don't want to appear an ingrate, Minister,
but as grateful as I am for the award,
it's the kids that make me proud.
Oh, of course.
-Oh!
I don't mean to impose.
No. I mean, you're the Minister.
Hello, nice to meet you.
Virginia Drake. How do you do?
How do you do?
I'm so pleased to see you here.
I'm not just a fan of your book.
I believe that despite all the bullshit claims of progress
in terms of women's issues and marital issues,
and the way we talk about women,
these are issues in dire need
of the ventilation you give them in the book.
The ventilation?
Yes, the ventilation.
Uh, I was wondering if you would like to come to Canberra some time.
I'm trying to set up a steering committee
which would inform a white paper
on women's issues from a mental health perspective,
and from what I've read,
you just might be the person to head that committee.
So guess what I did today?
What, my darling?
I resigned from the Nats and joined the Liberal Party.
Yes, really.
And now that that Polish girl's carked it...
Oh, she's not dead.
-Politically, she is. -Yes. Yes.
Which means there's a casual vacancy in the Senate.
I know China girl was next on the ballot,
but it's really up to the PM in the end, isn't it?
That would be the case, yes.
So you'll talk to her?
Who
No, Beyoncé, you idiot.
You want the Senate seat?
I want the old Cal McGregor magic back...
Or...
Oh.
Ah?
Mmm-hmm. -You were exceptional.
Incredible work.
We share this moment, right?
This is gold, boss. Can't wait to see the morning tabloids.
Well, big day.
I guess it must be beer o'clock.
Float round the members, get the scuttlebutt.
Okay, so in the, um...
in the spirit of sharing this moment,
this job is really hard,
without a press officer
who still thinks that we're at war with the Kaiser,
and that beer o'clock is still a real thing.
So, please,
can we get someone who has a Facebook account,
or just someone who knows what Facebook is?
No.
No, I'm sorry, Nicole. It's...
It's called humanity, all right? You should try it some time.
Cleaver, he's not a journalist.
He covered League
with The Sun for 24 years of his life.
All right, well, can we get him an assistant, perhaps?
Just... please, please just anyone who can say the word "digital"
without needing to say "rectal" because he finds it so funny?
Can you get me an assistant?
Because I can't do a 100% of my job,
and 80% percent of your job, and 95% percent of Frank's.
Oh, come on! I mean, how much do you owe his brother?
Okay.
Leave it with me.
Senator Greene's suit pack, sir.
Hmm. Thanks very much. The senator will be most relieved.
Speaking of relief, may I avail myself of the gentlemen's?
-Of course, sir. -Thank you.
Well...
what might his impenetrable code be?
Let's try this.
One-one-one.
Oh, finally!
Mate, these blackberries are the best things I've ever had in my mouth.
-I'm glad you're enjoying them. -Incredible.
Oh, your phone beeped a couple of times, by the way.
Oh, right.
Oh, damn it.
Pardon me.
Oh, fuck, you're kidding me.
So, you're saying my account's been shut down?
Yes, you keep reminding me
I missed a payment in May, and another in June,
but then I covered all of that weeks ago, and now my account's in credit.
Okay, listen to me. So, you...
What you're saying is, you are going to shut down my account,
and, what, send me a check for seven dollars and eighty
Where exactly am I meant to stick that?
I see.
So...
troubles with your bank?
Yeah, they sacked me.
I don't understand. My account was... it was in credit.
And your bank was?
A-Next.
Whose primary shareholder is?
Mate, I don't want to play the suspense game.
Quist Farrow. Pardon me.
Oh.
The bank you were satirizing today in Parliament.
They can't do that, can they?
Did you miss two payments?
Yes, I missed two. I mean, I'm always missing payments.
But, you know, then I catch up.
The government can't pay you cash.
You need a bank account.
Well, I'll just set up a new bank account.
Okay, if you think you can.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
Open a bank account.
Are you a man or a machine?
Oh... oh, you're a man. Okay, great. All right, listen, mate,
I want to do business with your bank, all right?
Yes, I can make a deposit of seven dollars and eighty-five cents,
if that's what it takes.
There are no credit issues, mate.
Listen, sport,
I am a senator in the Australian Parliament--
Unbelievable.
We have good relations with Treasury and the Department of Finance.
Who's we?
The drivers. We look after them.
What, so you're saying you could get me a bank account?
I'm saying I could make discreet enquiries,
but it could take time.
So, in the meantime,
do you need some cash on hand?
No, no, mate, no. I couldn't do that.
-No.
Hello.
Hi. Hi, um...
Are you free for dinner tonight?
I've, uh...
I've just had a chat with the Health Minister, so I'm coming to Canberra this afternoon for a meeting.
Ooh! -Yeah.
And I'd really like to talk to you.
Ah, you know, I've got a couple of things on the schedule,
but I can probably push 'em off.
Uh, what about that place we went to last time?
You know the guy with the hat?
Yes, okay, thanks. I'll see you there at 8:00.
-Oh, lovely.
You couldn't make that three hundred, could you, mate?
No problem. What's this?
The loan.
Just sign and fill in your name.
Don't trouble yourself with the rest.
Oh, all right, very... very good.
I suppose we should be businesslike about this.
Who are these idiots?
They will be your latest BuzzStayers.
Was that today? Oh, no.
Oh, fuck, there's a lot of 'em.
Hello.
I am Ahmed. -Yes.
-I have the two-week booking. -Yes... yes, Mr. Ahmed.
But you see here where it says "two guests only,"
and yet, you seem to be five, six, seven... seven people.
And I can't accommodate seven people here.
There are two beds here, all right, and one of them is mine.
No, this is a seven, not a two.
Always meant to be the seven.
Yes. No.
Uh, always a two.
I mean, the dimensions of the space would tell us that it's a two.
It's two.
My mother comes tomorrow with her cousins.
It means so much. Family again.
Yes, well, that's lovely.
I mean family is... family's everything.
How wonderful.
Your mother must not come here, though, with her cousins.
No, no, because of fire...
There are fire laws.
Laws, and I'm a senator. I am a senator.
-I am a senator.
Senator.
This fucking country!
-Senator. Yes, so...
-Hello. Um...
-You may want to come back to the House.
Well, there is a little protest out there
at which Penny Evans is saying some pretty shitty things about you,
and how you represent everything that's wrong with the country.
Oh, God, I hate her. All right, I'll get changed.
I've just been on Facebook, and the zebra
has got a lot of likes.
As Frank would tell you... if he knew what Facebook was!
Cleaver Greene is a city criminal.
He doesn't know what it's like to be a farmer...
The torture of the English language is currently under...
This is probably one of the first days he's been out of Kings Cross
-since he gave up drugs... -...review by the United Nations.
Her personality... If he's given up drugs.
...has all the magical colors of a decommissioned dialysis bag.
Cleaver Greene is literally just taking from the regional poor
and giving to the drug-dealing city criminals.
She's the only person in Australian parliamentary history
whose maiden speech required a safety induction.
Cleaver Greene doesn't care about jobs.
He just cares about getting the best seat at the best table.
The Honorable Members were calling for oxygen,
and bleeding from the ear.
He has made vast sums of money...
She unveils her new style with a sausage sizzle.
Trying to keep and keeping...
You're fuckin' kidding me.
You're a witness to a serious crime, senator.
There's nothing inappropriate about interviewing a witness, is there?
No, no, nothing inappropriate.
It's just the fuckin' perp parade in front of the press, mate,
when you could have done this in my office.
This is political. Don't think I don't know.
So, you guys, you'd better get ready
to either pop one in the back of my head,
or go down,
because I have been dealing with fuckwits like you my whole life.
We had no choice, senator.
You've been previously convicted of conspiracy to commit murder.
Acquitted on appeal, fucksticks, as well we know.
My record is clean. I haven't...
She... she's not dead, is she?
No. Shoulder. Flesh wound.
Admit it, you hate her.
Who doesn't hate... I'm not Robinson Crusoe there, mate.
I mean, there's a long line, isn't there?
Excuse us please for a moment, would you, senator?
Oh, right-o. I'll just, um... I'll just entertain myself.
Cleaver.
I'm here to help.
Oh, I'm sure you are, mate.
The optics are a bit of a problem.
Are they
Yes, see, the optics.
Plus, we have...
certain footage of you naked
in front of young boys.
Oh, come on, Gar! Fuck!
Come on, Cleaver, it's politics.
You must have known that when you signed up. I didn't sign up, mate.
I... I ran against my sister, all right? Not the whole apparatus of government.
Well, if you want this to go easy,
we will expect you to say and do nothing for the rest of your term.
My whole campaign was based on saying and doing nothing, mate. Easy.
And supporting the government in the Senate.
Or...
I will make it my business
that the next five years for you will be a living hell.
It's your call.
Supporting the government on everything?
On everything.
This is a really shithouse business, isn't it?
I mean, I thought the law was bad,
-but you're...
I mean, you're not a total 100%
turd of a man, but you're so close.
You're 98% there.
Wow.
How do you sleep at night?
I don't, really.
Oh, by the way,
if I ever find you within a country mile of Caitlin Farquhar again,
I will hurt you.
If I find out you've been touching her, even looking at her,
even sharing the same air she breathes,
I will massacre you.
And I don't mean politically.
Cleaver! Cleaver!
Wendy, hello.
Hello, Minister.
Oh, Virginia. Please, have a seat. -Um, thank you. -Thank you. Thank you for coming.
Uh, can we get you a drink of some kind?
-Um, just some water, thank you. -Thanks, Danielle.
I'm so excited about this new initiative. I'm...
Oh. I mean, the government wants to do something
about reforming mental health,
both in terms of its funding, and methodology,
and I want you to be part of it.
Oh, well, I'm... I just...
I'm so flattered, and I'm incredibly excited, Virginister...
Um, Vir... sorry, Virginia.
Oh!
Let me take you through what I've been thinking.
He even argued about the dog!
That was my dog. I've had Rasta since he was a puppy.
If only he'd have been as interested in the kids.
It's been a nightmare trying to do this job,
and maintain a cheery face, and go through this shit.
You know, the nation's sick, and I can't show stress
'cause it's a sign of weakness in women, isn't it?
Yeah, I just...
Sounds like you've been having a really tough time of it, Virginia,
but in terms of a... a national mental health strategy,
I'm just... I'm not...
I love your book.
I read it every night,
but I can't go public that I'm seeing someone.
So, I'm setting up a new internal mental health division,
to be headed by you.
You'll have an office and staff on this floor
so we can devise a new mental health strategy for the nation.
400K salary, plus all the other bullshit.
But you'll have to be available to me pretty much 24/7.
I have high ambitions, Wendy,
and I need someone to help me, and I want it to be you.
I really, really do.
Yeah, I...
I have a practice back in Sydney, Virginia, so...
I need you, Wendy.
-Oh, God, Jesus.
I was just having a chat.
You know that she's getting a divorce,
that she wants to be PM, she's basically crazy.
Well, she might be,
but she just offered me a very interesting job.
Are you going to take it?
I don't know. We're just in negotiations.
I haven't made a decision. There's no rush.
Well, she's in a rush.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
Because I think that she's turning, and I think that she likes you.
Oh, Jack, you need help.
Wendy, I know, I do.
-Oh, God, Jack, please.
You know that I can destroy her career in three phone calls?
-Uh-huh. Mmm. -Maybe even two.
Because this government, it depends on me.
I am the glue here.
So, please...
can you have dinner with me, maybe?
Jack, I have told you on numerous occasions,
when you display some signs of emotional sanity,
then I will consider going out with you.
Wendy!
Damn it.
Let me get this straight.
You advertise this service, all right?
You... you facilitate everything.
You draw up contracts, you accept payments,
you trumpet the success of your endeavors.
But if anything goes wrong, like my home being invaded by Turkey,
you want nothing to do with it?
No, no, listen to me! Listen to me!
I have... I want these people gone, all right?
I've had a very hard day. A very hard day. I was... I was almost shot today.
No, I will not press hash. I will not press...
Fuck ya! Fuck ya, hash!
You did this.
She did this.
Huh?
Hey. Hi.
Oh, you look great.
Oh, thank you.
So, I want to talk about Missy.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, it was rather a stressful day today.
Well, you weren't the one that got shot.
Well, no, but I was with the one who got shot,
or... or had herself shot, as the case may be.
-Yes, almost certainly, almost certainly.
Right. Okay, so with Missy,
um, you brought her to my house for a couple of days,
and that was... That was almost two years ago.
-Yeah.
God, time flies, doesn't it?
Mmm. It does. So, in that time,
she has assaulted me, she's taken drugs with my son,
she's thrown up in my bed,
she's made me a grandmother at the age of 45,
she called Community Services the other day,
and she nearly had me arrested for spilling some tea on Winnie's leg.
Oh, God.
So you know what? I think it's your turn.
-I'm giving you four weeks' notice.
-I could not be more reasonable. -Right.
Well, I'm not much chop with the stray creature thing, as you would know.
-Mmm-hmm. -My tendency is to lead them more astray.
Yeah, okay. I didn't know this was coming,
but I've actually been offered a job,
here in Canberra with the Minister of Health.
You're joking.
And if I take it, I'm going to be renting out the house, so...
Great. You can stay with me.
Ooh, I can't live with you.
I'm not living with anyone. I'm living with me.
No Missy, no Winsome, no you.
So, you know what? I want you to do some of the heavy lifting now.
I'm a senator in the Australian Parliament.
I mean, I am...
I'm an Olympic heavy lifter. Do you know how much work I do?
Yes, I do, because all that stuff's published online now, so...
Is it?
Yes, all the attendances, speeches. It's all there.
It's all very easy to find. You do fuck all.
I mean, that's really weird. That's very Orwellian.
-Cleaver, can you just-- -I find... Okay, here's the thing.
I... And I could go to jail for telling you this,
I currently have seven
Turkish intelligence operatives
-staying at my place. -Mmm.
Hang on, is that the same, um, Turkish family of seven
that you've rented half your place out to on BuzzStay?
How would you know that?
Well, you're very lazy, you know?
And when you send an email,
you just find the name that you want on a recent thread,
-and you click on that... -Well, God, that's...
And that goes to 40 or 50 people.
What's a thread? See, this is Nicole's fault.
That shits me. That's...
Okay, so the thing is, I'm going to tell Missy that you want her and Winsome to come and stay with you,
and that you will find her a job,
and they can stay as long as they like,
until Fuzz does whatever he decides he's going to do.
This is so you, isn't it?
Two days became two years, all right?
You take advantage of my kindness, and that is a form of abuse.
-But see, if you're moving to Canberra... -Mmm.
Why can't they all just stay at your place?
Oh, my God, have you not listened to a single word I've said?
Or Fuzz could rent from you or something.
I don't know for sure, but I think Fuzz has got another woman in America,
doubtless older,
and that is why he is, as you so consistently were, absent.
Okay? So, I guess I will see you around.
What Hey! Ho!
I thought we were having dinner! Jesus Christ!
Excuse me, friend.
Uh, may I have another one of those, please?
Oh, actually, hold on a minute.
Keep that thought.
Okay, can I have about between a third and a quarter of one of those,
depending on your level of generosity?
Cleaver.
Oh...
You did this yourself. Within a quarter of a second,
you turned me into Doctor Evil,
and you into the nation's sweet-heart. I'm on to you.
Buy you a drink?
Two whiskies, thanks.
I have a question for you.
Why are you so mean to me?
Thanks.
You vex me with your bullshit.
-You do.
You don't think you vex me?
No, no, it's not that. It's just...
I was, uh...
patronizingly thinking, who uses the word "vex" where you come from?
I do. I'm kind of a chameleon, Cleaver.
-Name a postcode.
No, I don't want to name...
I don't want to play a little game with you.
You already are, Cleaver. -Mmm-hmm.
All right, I'll make it easier for you. Name a suburb.
Toorak. -Toorak. 3142.
"Darling, that coat is divine!
Did Johnny whip it out for you?
If he did, he is borderline roadkill to me.
Never speaking to him again."
So, you're bullshit.
Is that right? Are you... You're complete bullshit.
No, I believe every word I say.
But what you say is not important.
It's not the issue. It's how you say it.
-People want us to be just like them. -No, they don't.
The last thing I want is for my politicians to be like me,
even though, as me, I am one,
I want them to be better.
Well, most people don't.
So, what's your real postcode?
4405. The gorgeous Darling Downs.
So, I didn't lie when I said I was from farming country.
What I omitted to say was that
it was one of the biggest agricultural concerns in Queensland,
and my father was very wealthy.
But no one asked, because they're myopic, the press, and they're stupid.
Mmm.
I did go to the local public school until I was ten,
and then on to St. Margaret's. Very hoity-toity.
And then Sydney University, Arts-Law.
-Hmm.
But under my maiden name.
You see, I was married twice,
once at 19 and once at 21.
Both regrettably briefly.
I don't understand how you can keep this secret.
What about your friends and people who knew you?
Well, they're all pretty much paid up members of the Penny Evans Party.
Yeah, but not all of them are.
What about the people who aren't paid up members of the Penny Evans Party?
Well, the people who aren't paid up members of the Penny Evans Party
know how to lead a quiet life.
You see, Cleaver...
I'm this nation's Trump.
My base will never desert me.
It can only build as I build the nation.
So, you gamed it out.
I want to change the country, Cleaver.
I don't wanna herd sheep.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Are you gonna pay for these?
Mr. Ahmed?
Good morning, sir, my name is Leon.
Mr. Jakub sends his apologies,
but is not well and would not wish you to catch any bugs.
Ah.
Okay. Well, thank you, Leon.
Ah, and he said to tell you he had made some calls.
Did he?
Excellent. Excellent.
The people you didn't want in your home, they have gone?
Yes, yeah.
Oh, they've... They seem to have vanished.
Did he, uh, mention anything to you about banking?
No, sir.
Very peckish.
Would you like to stop for some breakfast and coffee?
-Ah, well... -Mr. Jakub told me...
Let's just have a...
Mmm...
No, no, that's fine, mate.
I don't need... I don't need food.
Oh, mate, you don't have any coins, do you?
I apologize, sir, just cards.
Yeah, it's the cashless frickin' economy.
Would you like to save the future by acknowledging the past?
I really would.
Uh, do I just have to acknowledge it?
Well, the acknowledgment is traditionally accompanied by a donation.
Ah, damn it! Oh!
I'm out of cash. I've just, uh...
You don't take cards, I suppose?
Yes, we do!
Would that be savings, cash or credit?
Well, that's, um... Let me just...
Ah, damn it!
No, you wouldn't...
Um, that's expired.
Uh, now, listen, you just hold on there for a minute.
I'm gonna zip in there, come right back out,
and get one of those things,
because I am going to acknowledge.
How long are you going to keep this little girl waiting?
Senator Greene!
Ah...
Mmm. Mmm.
You never told me about these free breakfast "Friends of" dealings.
You said you didn't want to know about anything unless it paid.
Well that's... I mean, it's free food.
Hello! Does that shit happen every morning?
Yeah, if you came before noon, you'd know that.
I think there's a Parliamentary Friends of Palestine in five,
and, um, later there's a big lunch
for Parliamentary Friends of Star Trek in the Chancellor's room.
No, no, no, I'm full as a goog.
Put me down for Star Trek, though.
Okay, I need the float, please. Where's the float?
No, I've forbidden you from touching the float, Cleaver.
Oh, that's ridiculous. That's just controlling.
Okay, you can sort this out.
Take half of our float...
and go and give it to one of those little Christine people, please.
They're called Caroline girls.
Caroline girls.
Take a third...
a quarter of our float, and go and give it to one of them. And don't make a big fuss that it's from me.
As long as everybody knows it's from me.
Okay.
Caitlin wants you on her show this evening.
-Yeah.
Tell her to go to hell.
Well, there is rumor the PM's going to dump the Senate President,
and replace him with a cross bencher, so...
-Whatever. Whatever. -Oh, whatever, yeah, whatever.
Only 250K more, Cleaver.
Private dining room. Lots of fact finders overseas.
Senator Evans,
let me start by saying we are so relieved
you survived that shocking assassination attempt,
which followed a heated exchange between you both.
Well, thank you, Caitlin.
Yes, I'm no stranger to the threat
that attaches itself to trying to make Australia great again.
Yes, I, uh, roundly condemn,
uh, the attempt against Senator Evans' life,
although I do believe it was actually intended for me.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Well, word around Canberra
is the PM is going to dump Senate President James Jordan
and replace him with a cross bencher.
Do either of you want to become President of the Senate,
a well-paid job for a eunuch, as some have described it.
Ah...
Well, look, Caitlin, any government
that would contemplate a drug-addled murderer
as President of the Senate
needs to be chucked out on its ear, because...
Yeah, overturned. Overturned on appeal.
Senator Greene is a grub without a conscience.
He is a liar without a heart,
and a beast with absolutely no beauty whatsoever.
He is a lazy, lying, selfish nobody,
and the really sad thing about that, Caitlin, is he doesn't even know it.
Cleaver Greene, are you a lazy, selfish, lying nobody?
Well, Caitlin,
Penny Evans, which is not her original name, by the way,
is beyond delusional.
She is actually a straight up and down liar.
She's been lying to all of us,
her constituents, in particular, for years now.
Her modest farming family, that she bangs on about all the time,
turns out to be one of Australia's biggest agricultural concerns.
She attended the elite St. Margaret's private girls school,
and Sydney University, where she studied arts and law,
and married frequently,
a fact not detected by you or your colleagues, Caitlin.
She's been lying to all of us to create a persona,
a persona that is politically palatable to a certain constituency.
She is a 100% dyed in the wool fraud.
Penny Evans.
You know, this isn't the first time Senator Greene
has pulled a stunt like this,
mainly during his time as a criminal barrister,
so, Caitlin, I've come prepared.
Here is my Dad's farm.
Here are some shots of me in my class at Bunderoo High.
I wouldn't even know where, what was it,
St. Margaret's, was.
Here is my HSC certificate, again stating Bunderoo High.
I mean, Sydney University, give me a break.
I've never been married.
And to finish off, I have a pile of stat decs
from my friends, relations, colleagues, and neighbors,
who will confirm my identity and history
of my life as I've told it today.
So, I think, Senator Greene,
you'll be hearing from my lawyers as early as tomorrow morning,
because no one calls me a bald-faced liar and doesn't pay for it.
You're a piece of work, aren't you?
I know.
A very attractive piece of work, but a piece of work.
Now is not the time, Cleaver.
Get your makeup off? Relax.
You just want to excuse the senator and myself for a moment, please?
Sir, I'm sorry, you need 100 points of ID to open a proper account.
This! This is my passport!
Mmm-hmm.
How many points do you want? How many points is that?
I've got receipts...
Yeah, it's expired. I'm sorry, sir. You don't have the 100 points.
I'm a Commonwealth senator.
Are you telling me that there is not a single account in this place
that you can open for me?
No, sir.
Okay, what about your Tiny Tycoon Super Saver?
Well, you're neither tiny nor a tycoon. -I am a tycoon! Oh, really?
Yes, and I'm tiny. Look! I'm a tiny tycoon.
Code 6 here. We have a Code 6.
How bad is this? How bad is this fuckin' place?
Security!
Look at me. I'm a fuckin' tiny tycoon.
I'm a member of the Australian parliament,
and I've had it up to pussy's bow with this shit.
Why are we putting up with this abuse from these leeches?
Hey!
That's my head!
Mate, gimme back my head!
I'm not gonna get my bloody deposit back, ya bastard!
Give it back! Give it back, ya bastard!