Ok I'm gonna order us some drinks. What can I get you?
Anything blue. Or yellow.
On the off chance they don't have either,
is there another primary color I can get for you?
Pink.
Be right back.
How's your date going?
She would like a blue drink or a yellow drink or a pink drink.
You want me to put it in a sippy cup?
Yeah,I should have known.
On Facebook she said she wasn't very good at conversationing.
She seems bangable,in a Megan's Law kind of a way.
Hey,she's older than she looks and acts and is.
Oh,crap.
What are you guys doing here?
Oh,we were out getting stuff to make jewelry and decided to grab something to eat.
- Are you on a date? - Absolutely not.
Just stopped in for a quick whiskey and... Windex.
Oh,good. Blue.
Oh,you mean a date.
This is Daytona. Daytona,this is my ex-wife Jennifer and my daughter Sam.
Okay,I know I said it's a date,but it's not a date date.
It's more like two ships passing in the night and one ship is heading to LEGOLAND.
It's okay,Dad. You don't have to make excuses.
- You can go out with whoever you want. - No,I know,I know.
I just want you to know I don't normally date women like that.
Yes,you do.
What,what,what? How would you know?
I look at your friends list on Facebook.
You let her spy on me like that?
I can't help it. She changed the password and locked me out.
I've got to take a class or something.
It's okay,Dad. You like hotties.
It's kind of superficial,but I still love you.
I am not superficial. I date all kinds of women.
So it's just a coincidence they're all hotties?
It is a fundamental law of human nature
that good-looking people are attracted to each other.
I'm just a tool of evolution.
This is how our species gets hotter.
Okay,now that we're all here,I thought everyone should know
that we have a new member joining us today.
Her name is Mel and she should fit nicely with this group.
Finally,it'll be nice to have a girl in the group.
Hey!
Patrick,why do you always take shots at Lacey?
You seem to have a real resentment towards her.
She's pretty,she's rich,she's spoiled.
- She's everything you want to be. - Shut up,Ed.
What Ed said.
Remember,Patrick,there is nothing more unattractive than envy.
I think envy's here.
You must be Mel. Welcome to the group.
Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the house.
Then I found it.
Oh,that's it?
Okay. Everybody,this is Mel.
Mel,this is Lacey,Nolan,Patrick and Ed.
Have a seat.
Just so you know,there's no pressure to talk today.
You can just observe if you'd like.
No,I'd like to jump right in.
I like this fella. Doesn't mess around.
Okay,Mel,you have the floor.
Well,it all started with this guy.
Of course it did. Jerks.
Lacey,I think you're coloring this with your experience.
Her boyfriend cheated on her and she shot him.
Nolan,when Lacey is ready to tell Mel her story,I'm sure...
- In the balls. - And there it is.
- Go on,Mel. - Well,I met this guy.
He changed my life. He gave me hope.
And now I'm beginning to think it was all based on a lie and I'm angry.
- Been there. - Done that.
Me,too. Obama.
I was so upset,I started to doubt myself.
I lost about 100 pounds,I had tons of cosmetic surgery.
I see why you're angry. You're mad at your plastic surgeon.
I would sue that butcher for everything he's got.
Guys,guys,guys.
Can we please refrain from comments till Mel is done with her story?
And,Mel,try to avoid pausing between sentences.
Anyway,I lived in this little town outside Beloit,Wisconsin,
and Beloit had its own single A baseball team.
I know Beloit.
When I was a ballplayer,we used to play that team.
There was this place,Nate's.
Nate's Diner. They had killer apple pie.
Oh,my God. That's so funny.
I met this guy at Nate's Diner.
And he was a ballplayer,too,from the visiting team.
He told me I was the prettiest girl in the greater Beloit area,
but after we made love,I never heard from him again.
You know,now that I think about it,I don't think I ever played ball in Beloit.
Also,I'm allergic to apples. So,that's weird.
I was okay with him not calling.
I still felt special that he picked me.
But then last year I heard about this superstition in baseball
where if a player's in a hitting slump,he tries to break it
by sleeping with the ugliest girl he can find.
And that naive,small-town,big-boned girl is called a slump-buster.
Slump-buster? Wow.
This sounds like an urban legend to me.
Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.
Bad analogy.
Mel,have you ever considered this guy was just hot for full-figured ladies?
Were you,Charlie?
Or was I your slump-buster?
Who didn't see that coming?
Me,up until about 30 seconds ago.
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Anger Management Season 1 Episode 02
Okay,I do remember you.
But I was just a dumb ballplayer back then.
You didn't have to be a slump-buster for me not to call you the next day.
You just had to be any woman I had sex with.
I told you,I don't care that you didn't call.
That night changed my life.
In my town,I was known as the girl who slept with Charlie Goodson.
And I always thought of myself as the guy who slept with Mel... from that town.
It meant everything.
Out of all the girls in the pie-eating contest that night,you picked me.
I hooked up with a hot baseball player.
Then my cousin heard about slump-busters on a sports talk show.
I became the joke of the town.
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
Yeah,I understand.
I mean,I understand.
I spent everything I had on plastic surgery
and it still didn't make me feel better about myself.
But if you tell me I'm not your slump-buster,I'll believe you.
And I can go back home and tell everybody,"Screw you,I know better."
- Mel. - Yes?
You were not my slump-buster.
I don't believe you.
I would never have done something like that just to get my batting average up.
Really? Because when we were making love,I heard you say,
"I better make the Hall of Fame for this."
Yes. The Hall of Fame of sex.
I meant with all the positions and the stuff.
It was one for the ages.
- You just laid there. - I was in awe!
I didn't sleep with you because you were unattractive.
I slept with you because you were drunk and easy and you smelled like pie.
You're just trying to sweet-talk your way out of this.
If I were,I wouldn't be offering to have dinner with you.
- Really? - Yes.
Then,when you go home,you can be the girl who had dinner with Charlie Goodson.
Where will you take me?
I-I-I could take you anywhere.
But I want this to be special.
I'm gonna make dinner for you as a guest in my home.
- You'd really do that? - I'd love to.
I'm a great cook. Is there anything you can't eat?
No,I'm fine with pretty much everything.
Well,all I can make is spaghetti.
Oh,okay. I'll bring my EpiPen.
You may have to jam it in my thigh.
Until tonight.
It's funny watching you try to cook.
Look,if you're just gonna stand there drinking beer and criticizing me,
could you at least take off your top?
I've seen you handle cutlery.
If I take out the girls,you'll chop off a finger.
Just do me a favor and set the table.
Toss me that box of spaghetti.
Besides being a culinary show-off,why are you doing this?
Because I feel bad. I want to make amends for making her think that she was my slump-buster.
But she was,right?
Well,yeah. But I could never tell her that.
It would only confirm her worst feelings about herself.
So what's the plan here?
Well,I'm gonna cook her a nice dinner,and that way,
when she goes home tomorrow,she'll know that I didn't use her.
- But you did. - Of course.
She's the reason I got to the majors.
And had that bout of night terrors.
You know what? I don't even know how to make spaghetti.
Just read the instructions.
There are no instructions on spaghetti.
It's like doorknobs.
You're just supposed to know what to do.
I think you're crazy,okay?
This woman has had a fantasy relationship with you for the past 16 years.
Now she's tracked you down,exposed you in front of your patients.
And you're so busy trying to be a better guy,that you are cooking dinner for a stalker.
She's not a stalker.
She's just a woman with pathologically low self-esteem,
obsessive fixations,and a tendency toward grandiose delusions.
Let's put the knives away.
Maybe you should call it off.
And piss off my stalker? No.
Just got to get through this dinner as quickly as possible.
Oh,look,I found the directions.
Put pasta in boiling water.
For best results,prepare while staring at boobs.
I'm gonna need you to stand right there.
So after the lipo,the next surgery I had was the Lap Band.
And the first meal after that was a real mess.
They tell you just to have Jell-O,but I had catfish jambalaya.
I never knew how far vomit could go.
If I hadn't been in a crowded elevator,I think I would have broken some kind of record.
Wow,that's like three awesome surgery stories in a row.
If you're watching your weight,I can help you with that spaghetti.
Oh,no. I'm just making it last.
I've fantasized about this date for so long... the food,the candlelight,the conversation.
Did I tell you they took off my nipples?
No. They put them back on,right?
Are you flirting with me,Mr. Goodson?
No,I just want to make sure you got what you paid for.
Let me help you with that spaghetti.
"Lady and the Tramp." "Lady and the Tramp."
- What are you guys doing here? - Sam left her backpack.
What,are you on a date?
I don't think it's a date,Mom.
She looks like a regular person.
What's that supposed to mean? I go out with regular people,too.
- So this is a date? - Yes.
- A date date? - Yes yes.
Wow,Dad. I'm so proud of you.
Well,thank you. Thank you very much.
Can we meet her?
Well,you know,it's our first time together. You understand,right,Jen?
No,I'd like to meet her. Come on,Sam.
Guys,this is Mel.
Mel,this is my ex-wife Jen and my daughter Sam.
Just so you know,Mel,you're dating a great guy.
Dating? Did your dad tell you that?
Yeah. Right,Dad?
Yeah,I did.
I'm just so excited.
I know. Me,too. Let's never lose this.
Hey,Mom,can I invite them to come over and make jewelry with us tomorrow night?
No,no,no,we wouldn't want to impose.
- Oh,no,I insist. - Of course you do.
I can't wait to learn all about what this is.
I love making jewelry.
I made tiaras for all my cats.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I'm so excited,I'm gonna bust.
I just got to go use the little girls' room.
You know,to fix my face.
Nobody?
Good for you.
Look,before we begin,I want to talk about what happened yesterday.
You all witnessed what we in therapy call a train wreck.
I don't want this to distract us,so we're just gonna keep moving forward.
I have something important about my life I'd like to discuss.
Thank you. Lacey.
How am I supposed to work through my issues with men being dicks
while women are showing up in this group as a result of your past dickness?
Look,like all of you,I've made mistakes.
And unfortunately yesterday one of those mistakes reared its ugly head.
Now when I say ugly head,I'm using the term as a metaphor
and not a description for that young lady.
And her ugly head.
So how did you deal with it?
I talked to her and we're working on building her self-esteem.
Really? 'Cause it says on Facebook that you're dating her.
It's radical self-esteem therapy.
You guys wouldn't understand.
You're dating your stalker?
See? Other people make it work.
How could she be my stalker if I'm dating her?
I mean,come on. Think about it.
It doesn't make sense,does it? No,of course not. Moving on.
Her status update says she's making jewelry with you tonight
and she's hoping for a ring.
Smile,winky face.
Oh,God.
All right,all right,look,look.
The lesson here... and there are many lessons...
but the headline lesson is whatever you do,never use a slump-buster.
I realize this doesn't apply to everybody,but for the love of God,just don't.
So,Mel,you never told us how you met my dad.
Oh,this is my favorite story.
Oh,let me tell. You always get to tell.
Okay. It's really magical.
It's like out of a movie.
We met at a diner and she was eating a pie.
Would you pass the red beads,please?
Don't be shy. It was 16 years ago.
I was in a pie-eating contest and your daddy was the prize.
Wait,16 years ago? That doesn't make sense.
- My parents were still married. - Yes,we were.
Which is why Mel and I could only be friends.
But we had a connection that lasted all these years.
And now... the universe has brought her back to me.
As ours is a relationship that knows no constraints of time nor space.
That was the beads.
They're ready to come out of the oven.
Mel,can you help me?
You know,Charlie,the whole time you've been here,
I haven't seen you hold Mel's hand or give her a kiss or anything.
Well,you know how new couples are.
We don't want to gross you out.
She's going to the kitchen.
Can you handle that much time and space?
I know I can't.
You taste like home.
And you taste like spaghetti.
It's the garlic. I sweat it.
And you are making me sweat.
Hey,you guys,stay right where you are.
I want to get a picture of the two of you so I can post it on everything.
You better get into the kitchen.
I think somebody's beads are burning.
They are now.
- What the hell are you doing? - What the hell are you doing?
Look,I'm in trouble,okay?
Mel was a slump-buster from Beloit and now she thinks we're dating.
I mean,it's a long story.
Actually,that's the entire story.
I knew it. You're using that woman to make your daughter think you're not superficial.
I know. I just need you to help me through the next hour.
Get her back to the hotel,put her on a flight tomorrow,
and this whole thing will be over.
She's happy,Sam's happy,and you and I will have a fun little secret.
- Like on our honeymoon when you let me... - That never happened.
I'm so sorry,Charlie. I feel so bad.
My tongue swells when I have an allergic reaction.
I completely forgot Peanut M&Ms have peanuts.
Shouldn't we get you to an ER or something?
No,no,I just left my EpiPen in the kitchen.
Okay,but hurry.
We've got to get you back to the hotel.
Hey,it looks like Jen already got that photo uploaded.
Facebook,Tumblr,Twitter,Flickr,
and the website of the American Psychological Association.
Hey,Charlie. I found it.
Can you come stick it in me?
Hey,Charlie.
Wait a minute,you weren't having an allergic reaction. You were...
Wow,they do good work in Wisconsin.
Ooh,I'm a sexy ghost.
That's not why I'm doing this.
This can't happen.
Of course it can.
Do you need to take a pill or something?
No,no. I'm very sorry.
I just thought we had a great night once and
that this could be the start of something bigger and more beautiful.
You just made the next thing I'm about to say very difficult.
We're not really dating,are we?
No.
I was your slump-buster,wasn't I?
Yes.
And I am very,very sorry.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I didn't want you to think that way about yourself,
because that's not how I think of you.
To me,you'll always be that pie eating champion
who could raise a naked man clean over her head.
I don't believe this.
I spent all this time and money making my body look like this
and you still don't want to make love to me.
That would have been wrong.
That's the old me.
Now what am I gonna do? Look at me.
I'm too hot to even be a slump-buster.
No,you're not.
Okay,I can't win that one.
Look,you are still the same confident,
amazing person you were when you thought you were just a hot one-night stand.
Bet I could still lift you over my head.
Yes. Yes,that's the confidence that's in you no matter what I did.
That's not just some nipple you can take off and put back on.
That's forever.
Hey. You ready?
Oh,softball time,right.
Yes,I am ready to go. Sam,you wearing your cup?
Are we gonna do this every single time?
You can just say you wanted a boy.
Actually,I wanted a dog.
But the landlord wanted a $100 deposit,so here you are.
Could you give Sam and I a minute?
- I want to clear up a few things about Mel. - Oh,it's okay,Dad.
Mom already told me.
- She did? - Yeah.
How you wanted a deeper,more meaningful relationship and Mel just wanted to sleep with you.
How many times is this gonna happen to me?
It's okay,Dad. Now,come on,I'm gonna be late.
That's my boy.
Wow. That was amazing.
You're welcome.
You know,you make a much better ex-wife then you ever did a wife.
- I figured you got the message. - I did.
- Hey,could you do me another favor? - What?
I need you to take Sam for the weekend.
- Why? Where are you going? - Beloit.
I'm gonna walk up and down on every street holding hands
with Mel for all of her friends to see.
After everything you did that's all she wants from you?
Small town,small victories.
By the way,you can also thank me for being so cool.
That's the first woman I met that you slept with while you were on the road.
Hey,I slept with her for us.
That was to break my slumps so we can make the big leagues.
Really?
What about that girl Diane from San Diego?
Oh that was for me.
And a little bit for Diane.
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Anger Management Season 1 Episode 02
好了 我點些喝的吧 想喝什麼
藍色的 或黃的都行
如果兩者都沒有呢
還有其他原色你能接受嗎
粉色
去去就回
你的約會怎麼樣
她想喝杯藍的或黃的或粉色的酒
用我放進幼兒防漏杯裡嗎
嗯 我早該知道
臉書上她就說不善言"語"
她看來值得一睡 但可能觸犯梅根法案 (保護兒童免受性侵的法案)
她比外表和表現的行為要年長
哦 該死
你們來這做什麼
我們出來采購做首飾的材料 然後正好吃點東西
- 你在約會嗎 - 絕對不是
就是來小歇一腳喝杯威士忌和...藍月亮
哦 真棒啊 藍色的
啊 你是說約會啊
這是Daytona 這是我前妻Jennifer 和我女兒Sam
我是說是約會 但不是那種約會的約會
就像兩只船在夜間行駛 其中一只要去樂高樂園
沒事的 爸 你不用找借口
- 你想和誰出去都行 - 不是 我知道
我只是想讓你知道 我一般不約這種類型
不對 你都約這種
什麼啊 你怎麼知道
我看了你臉書上的好友列表
你讓她像個間諜似的調查我嗎
我管不了 她改了密碼 我進不去了
我都得去上個課什麼的了
沒事的 爸 你是童顏巨乳控
就算很淺薄 我還是愛你
我不淺薄 我不是固定控那種類型
她們都是辣妹只是個巧合嗎
這是人性的基本法則
好看的人相互吸引
我只是進化過程中的一枚棋子
所以我們這種物種才越來越漂亮
既然大家都在 通知下
今天有個新成員加入
她叫Mel 她會很好的融入這個小組
組裡終於有女生了 有好處
嘿
Patrick 你怎麼總對Lacey不滿呢
你好像真的討厭她
她漂亮富有 被慣壞了
- 她完全是你想成為的人 - 閉嘴 Ed
Ed說得沒錯
聽著 Patrick 嫉妒最不可愛了
我想嫉妒本人來了
你一定是Mel 歡迎加入小組
對不起 我來晚了 因為我找不到住址
後來我找到了
就這樣嗎
好了 各位 這是Mel
Mel 這分別是Lacey和Nolan Patrick和Ed
請坐
跟你說下 今天你沒有談話壓力
如果願意 只觀察聽著就行了
不用 我馬上就想加入
我喜歡這家伙 不搗亂
好了 Mel 輪到你了
起因是一個男人
必須的 都是混蛋
Lacey 我覺得你因為自己的經歷有偏見
她男友出軌 被她開槍打了
Nolan 但Lacey准備好講自己故事時 我確定...
- 打了蛋蛋 - 她自己會說
- 繼續 Mel - 我認識這個男人
他改變了我的人生 給了我希望
但現在我開始覺得一切都是謊言 我很生氣
- 我懂的 - 我也懂
我也懂 因為Obama
我很傷心 開始自我懷疑
我減了約100磅 整容無數次
我知道你為什麼生氣 你在氣整形師
要是我會把那混蛋告到破產
伙計們
等Mel講完再評論好嗎
Mel 句子間盡量別停頓
我住在威斯康辛州貝洛伊特外的小鎮
貝洛伊特有自己的棒球隊
我知道貝洛伊特
我打球時在那打過球
有個叫內特家的地方
內特餐廳 他們的蘋果派絕了
天哪 真有趣
我在內特餐廳遇到那男的
他也是球員 是客隊的
他說我是大貝洛伊特地區最美的姑娘
但我們上床後 他就消失了
啊 我想起來了 我沒在貝洛伊特打過球
而且我還對蘋果過敏 太奇怪了
他不打電話來 我倒是沒事
他選了我 我還是覺得很特別
直到去年我聽到棒球界的一條迷信
當一個球員打不出好球時
只要和能找到的最丑姑娘上床就能轉運
而那個天真的大骨架小鎮姑娘 就叫轉運石
轉運石 哇哦
簡直在聽都市傳說
就像尼斯湖水怪或大腳怪
類比真爛
Mel 你沒想過嗎 也許這家伙就喜歡大只女
你是嗎 Charlie
還是說我就是你的轉運石
誰能想到會有這一出
我 直到30秒前
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憤怒管理 第一季 第二集
好了 我想起你了
但我那時候還是個混蛋球員
就算我第二天不打給你 你也不算轉運石
就是我睡過一個女人而已
我說過 你不打來我不介意
那晚改變了我的一生
在鎮子裡 大家都知道我是和查理睡過的姑娘
我總被當做睡過那個鎮的Mel的男人
這對我來說意義非凡
所有那晚參加大胃王吃派大賽的姑娘裡 你只選了我
我搭上了一個帥哥棒球手
後來我表妹聽說那個運動脫口秀裡 說到轉運石的事
我成了鎮裡的笑話
我都不能在鏡子裡看自己
嗯 我懂
我是說 我能理解
我把所有積蓄花在整容上了
但也沒有讓我自我感覺良好一點
但如果你告訴我 我不是你的轉運石 我就相信你
這樣我可以回家告訴所有人 "你們懂個P 我才是不是傻瓜"
- Mel - 恩
你不是我的轉運石
我不信
我怎麼可能為了提高擊中率做出這種事情
真的嗎 那我怎麼聽你邊做邊說
"這都夠我上名人堂了"
是做愛界的名人堂
你知道各種體位什麼的
那個年代流行的嘛
- 你只是躺那兒 - 我震精了
跟你睡不是因為你難看
而是因為你醉了 隨便 聞起來像派
巧舌如簧想脫身
如果是這樣 我就不會邀你晚餐了啊
- 真的? - 真的
這樣等你回家了 你就是和查理共進晚餐的姑娘了
去哪兒吃
哪裡都可以
但這樣就不特別了
我要你來我家 我為你親手做一頓
- 真的?為了我? - 我願意
我可是個好廚師 有什麼忌口的嗎
不 什麼都吃
我只會做意大利面
好 那我要帶上腎上腺素
你可以注射在我大腿上 (食物過敏)
今晚見
看你笨手笨腳做菜好有趣哦
你要是只想站在那喝喝酒批評我
至少裸個上身行嗎
就你這廚藝水准
我露點你就該斷指了
那就幫我擺個桌子吧
意大利面扔給我
除了秀廚藝 你到底為什麼要這麼干
因為我覺得對不起她 彌補下讓她以為自己是轉運石的過錯
可她就是啊
對啊 但我又不會這麼說
這只能讓她內心的恐懼得以驗證
那你什麼打算
我要好好給她做一頓
這樣等她明天回家了 她就不會覺得我利用了她
- 你就是用了啊 - 的確
就是因為她 我進了主流隊
做了那麼多噩夢
你知道嗎 其實我連意大利面都不會做
看說明啊
意面上都不標的
好像門把手
默認你會用
我覺得你瘋了
這女人在過去16年都和你談著假想的戀愛
然後她找到了你 把你暴露在你的病人面前
然後你忙著做好人都沒有意識到 你是在為你的尾行做飯
她才不是尾行
她只是病態的自卑
有強迫症和狂想症傾向
還是把刀先收起來吧
你也許該取消了
把跟蹤我的人弄生氣了? 才怪
早吃早收場
我找到指示了
把面放入開水裡
為了達到最好的效果 請禁盯咪咪
站到那裡去好嗎
抽完了脂 就做了迭縫帶環胃部手術
剛做完的第一頓飯真是糟糕透了
他們只讓我吃果凍 我吃了鯰魚什錦飯
我從來沒那麼吐過
要不是我在一個擁擠的電梯裡 我一定破紀錄了
連著三個有趣的手術故事
如果你在減肥 面我幫你吃吧
不用 我只是想多吃一會兒
我花癡這頓飯很久了 這食物 蠟燭 對話
我告訴過你我移走了乳頭嘛
沒 又安回去了吧
Goodson先生 你這是在調情嗎
不不 我只是希望你這錢花值了
我來幫你吃吧
"貴婦和流浪漢" (迪士尼經典動畫片有兩頭吃面場景)
- 你們來這干嘛? - Sam要取背包
你有約會?
媽 我猜不是約會
她看起來很普通
這是什麼話 我也跟普通人約會啊
- 這是約會咯 - 對
- 那種約會? - 對
爹 我好為你驕傲哦
非常感謝
我能見見她嗎
這是我們初次約會啦 Jen 你懂的
不 我也想見見她 來吧 Sam
伙計們 這是Mel
Mel 這是我前妻Jen和我女兒Sam
Mel 你在跟一個很棒的男人約會
約會? 是你爸爸告訴你的嗎?
對 是吧 爸爸
嗯 是我說的
我好激動
我也是 讓我們記住這一刻
媽媽我能邀請他們明晚過來一起做首飾嗎
不不 我們不想打擾你們
- 不 我堅持 - 當然了
我迫不及待想知道這是什麼
我最愛做首飾了
我給我的貓咪做小皇冠
這將有趣極了
我激動得要爆了
我要去下洗手間
去調整一下臉 你懂的
你們不諷刺幾句嗎
真好
在我們開始前 我們先來討論下昨天發生的事情
你們見證了一場心理界的慘案
我不希望這對我們的治療產生影響 所以我們就當這一切沒有發生過吧
我有一些個人的重大事件需要討論的
非常好 Lacey
要是受你過去混蛋行為困擾的女人 不斷出現在這個組裡
你要我怎麼解決對於混蛋男人的暴怒呢
瞧 和大家一樣 我也犯過錯
很不幸 昨天一個錯誤就露出了它丑陋的嘴臉
我說丑陋的嘴臉 只是一種比喻
不是描述那姑娘
和她丑陋的嘴臉
所以你是如何應對的呢
我和她交談 幫助她樹立自信
真的嗎 臉書上可說你們倆在戀愛吶
這是根本的自尊治療
你們這些俗人不懂的啦
你和你的追蹤狂約會嗎
瞧 別人都行得通啊
如果我跟她約會 她又怎算是追蹤狂呢
拜托 動動腦筋吧
這根本說不通啊 是吧 當然說不通 別糾結了
她更新狀態了 說今晚跟你一起制作首飾
而她希望能收到戒指
微笑 眨眼
天啊
好了好了 聽著
這次教訓... 個中還有很多教訓啦
但最主要的教訓是 不管做什麼 都別碰轉運石
我知道這不是人人都適用 但看在上帝的份上 別碰
Mel 你是怎麼認識我爸的呢
這是我最愛的故事
讓我來說吧 總是你說
好吧 很神奇的哦
簡直就像電影情節
我們在一家餐廳相遇 當時她在吃餡餅
能把紅色的珠子遞給我嗎
別害羞啦 16年前
我正參加餡餅大胃王的比賽 而你爸爸就是獎品
啥 16年前 沒理由啊
- 我爹媽還沒離婚了 - 是啊 還沒呢
所以Mel和我只能做朋友
但這些年來 我們都心靈相通
現在 上天又把她帶回我身邊了
因為我們的感情不受時間和距離的約束
是那些珠子
可以從烤箱裡拿出來了
Mel 能幫幫我嗎
矮油 Charlie 你們來了這麼久
我都還沒見過你和Mel拉手呢 或者親親什麼的
你知道新情侶的啦
我們不想惡心你
她要進廚房了
你能耐得住那麼長的時間和距離嗎
我知道我不能
你有家的味道
你有意粉的味道
是大蒜 我喜歡吃
你令我汗流浹背
嘿 兩位 保持姿勢
我要幫你們拍張照 傳到各網站
你趕緊進廚房去吧
有人的珠子要著火了
已經著火了
- 你搞什麼飛機 - 你搞什麼飛機
我現在水深火熱了好嗎
Mel是貝洛伊特的轉運石 現在她覺得我們在約會
哎 說來話長
其實 整個故事就是這樣
我知道了 你在利用這女的 好讓你女兒覺得你不是外貌協會的
我知道 接下來的時間我要你幫幫我
把她帶回酒店 弄上明天的飛機
這一切就完結了
她也高興 Sam也高興 你我之間也將有個有趣的小秘密
- 就像蜜月時 你讓我... - 沒那回事
真抱歉 Charlie 我覺得好難過
一旦有過敏反應 我的舌頭就會腫
我完全忘了花生巧克力裡頭有花生
要不要帶你上個急診室什麼的
不用 我的腎上腺素針忘在廚房裡了
好吧 但 趕緊啊
得把你送回酒店了
嘿 看來Jen已經把照片上傳了
人人網 輕博 微博 相冊
還有美國心理學聯盟官網
嘿 Charlie 我找到了
你能來幫我打針嗎
嘿 Charlie
等等 你沒有過敏反應 你...
哇 威斯康辛那邊手術做得很好嘛
噢 我是個性感的鬼魂
我不是想這麼玩哈
這事不可能
當然可能
還是你要吃點藥什麼的
不 很抱歉
我只是想 我們曾有過美好的一夜
而這也許是更重要更美好的開端
你這麼說 我要說的事就更難以啟齒了
我們沒在真的約會 是嗎
沒
我是你的轉運石 是嗎
是的
我感到非常非常抱歉
你為什麼不告訴我
我不希望你那麼想你自己
因為我不是那樣想你的
在我眼裡 你永遠都是餡餅大胃王
那個能把一個裸男輕易舉過頭的冠軍
我不相信
我花費了所有的時間和金錢 把我的身體弄成這樣
而你還是不想和我嘿咻
那是不對的
那是以前的我
我現在怎麼辦 看我這樣
我現在漂亮了 連轉運石都做不了了
還是可以啊
好吧 怎麼安慰都是錯
你以前那麼自信
以為自己是性感一夜情女郎 現在還是一樣
我現在肯定還能把你舉過頭頂
沒錯 你的自信不會被我打擊到
不是可以隨便拿掉放回的乳頭
自信是永恆的
你准備好了嗎?
哦對了 打壘球
我准備好了 Sam你穿保護褲了嗎?
你每次都要問嗎?
你就承認你想要的是兒子吧
其實我是想養條狗
但房東說要交100塊押金 於是就有了你
我能單獨和Sam說句話嗎
- 我想跟她解釋一下Mel的事 - 沒事的 老爸
媽媽已經告訴我了
- 她告訴你了? - 嗯
說你想要深層次的 有靈魂的感情 而Mel只想和你滾床單
這簡直就是我的宿命啊
會好的 我們快走吧
好小子
哇 你太贊了
不用謝
你做前妻比做老婆厲害多了
- 反正你也接受教訓了 - 沒錯
- 嘿 你能幫個忙嗎 - 什麼事?
周末你帶Sam吧
- 干嘛 你要去哪兒? - Beloit
我要握著Mel的手 壓遍馬路
讓她的朋友好好看看
你這樣傷害她 她就這點要求?
小城鎮 小滿足
順說 我沒發火你應該感謝我
你在巡回賽時睡過的女人 她是我遇到的第一個
嘿 我和她上床是為了我們的未來
給我轉運 這樣才能進職棒大聯盟
真的?
那聖地亞哥的Diane呢?
哦那個是我自己爽
Diane也爽到了
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