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来自喜剧中心纽约世界新闻总部 From comedy central's world news headquarters in new york,
这里是囧司徒每日秀 This is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
欢迎来到每日秀 我是囧叔 Welcome to the Daily Show, my name is Jon Stewart.
今晚的嘉宾 天啊 我们真是走运 My guest tonight, man, we are lucky,
经常说什么传奇演员 a true, you know, a lot of times you say a legendary performer.
今天的嘉宾是传奇中的传奇 This guy is the legend of legends
Norman Lear会加入我们 Norman Lear is going to be joining us tonight
代表作 全家福 杰弗逊一家 "all in the family," "the jeffersons."
但首先 节目里我时不时就会想看一眼国会的状况 But first, from time to time in the program I like to check in with Congress.
很明显当我说 想看 And when I say, obviously like
其实是 要强迫自己看 to check in, i mean force ourselves.
边看边吐 While gagging.
国会的支持率最近有所提升 You know, Congress's approval rating recently has surged
从可悲的10%一路飙升到 from a pathetic 10% all the way up to
没错 11% yeah, 11%.
基本上这支持率正好低于在游轮上腹泻个昏天黑地 Basically, puts them right below explosive cruise ship diarrhea
刚刚高于时代华纳有线台 and right above Time Warner Cable.
总之9%的支持率 他们肯定是有进步 So 9% approval, they must have gotten better.
但11%的支持率远远不及格 But 11% is still a long way from a passing grade
想要及格 国会必须得多立法 To reach that Congress is going to have to introduce some legislation
得通过一些受欢迎的 没有党派属性的 that is so popular, so nonpartisan
完全不可辩驳的法律 so totally unobjectionable
也就是说整个国家得对此意见一致 that literally the whole country could unite behind it
可几率有多大呢 but what are the odds
在此我提议通过议案HR 5739 I rise today to urge passage of HR 5739
即取消纳粹份子社会保障的法案 the NO SOCIAL SECURITY FOR NAZIS ACT.
这个就成 That will do.
纳粹无社保法案 The NO SOCIAL SECURITY FOR NAZIS ACT.
一项毫无争议的提案 A bill so uncontroversial
国会甚至不用遮遮掩掩 Congress didn't even have to hide it
把真实目的藏在生造的虚构名字后面 Its true purpose behind a disingenuous made-up name
比如爱国者法案 自由法案 like PATRIOT ACT, or FREEDOM ACT, or
或者美利坚-爱国者-自由-秃鹰-棒球-汉堡法案 PATRIOTIC USA FREEDOM ACT FOR FREE PATRIOTS LIBERTY BALD EAGLE BASEBALL HAMBURGER ACT
这个看起来没什么辩论余地嘛 This seems pretty nondebatable.
朋友也上床 （电影名）
所以来看一下国会的辩论 So let's let's go to the debate.
社会保障不是白送的福利 Social security is an earned benefit
目标受众从来都不包括 that was never intended
那些参与过大屠杀暴行的人 for those who participated in horrific acts of the holocaust.
我能猜想大多数政府开支项目都不能 I would imagine most government spending programs are not intended
直接地 服务纳粹份子 to directly benefit the Nazis
恶搞旧车换现金计划（Cash for Clunkers）
给Klinkers提供现金除外 Well, with the exception of cash for Klinkers
Hogan Hogan!
没错 国会的底线已经如此之低 Yes, Congress is held in such low esteem
即使是在立法取消对纳粹的社保的时候 that even while passing a bill banning social security payments to Nazis
有些议员还觉得有必要明确站队 several members felt the need to make it explicitly clear
以表明自己的反纳粹立场 that they themselves are anti-Nazi.
我呼吁同事们终结这件荒谬的事 I urge my colleagues to end this outrage.
所有参与过纳粹暴行的人 Cut off benefits to anyone stripped of their U.S. citizenship
都应被中断社保福利 剥夺公民身份 related to their participation in Nazi crimes.
他们犯下了滔天的罪行 They committed heinous crimes
议长先生 我呼吁国会的同事们 Mr. Speaker, I urge all members of the house
今天投票通过纳粹无社保法案 to vote yes and pass the NO SOCIAL SECURITY FOR NAZIS ACT today
这事有必要呼吁么 Do you really have to urge people do this?
你在呼吁谁 主张白人至上的丹尼斯议员么 Who are you urging congressman dennis whitepower?
3K党形象
稳住 别动 Now wait, hold on there
不要急着下结论 let's not rush into anything
喔 喔 喔 whoa, whoa, whoa
但要为议员勇敢地 But bravo Congress on your courageous
反对为纳粹提供社保的立场点赞 anti-social security for Nazis stand
真不敢相信你们浪费国家的时间 I cant' believe you wasted the nation's time making yourself look good
只是为了让自己看起来是好人就要通过一个法案 I by passing a bill to stop something that could never happen
来阻止一件永远永远都不会发生的事 in a million years anyway.
目前有个漏洞 As of now there is a loophole
让纳粹份子可以收到百万美元的社保福利 allowing former Nazis to collect millions of dollars in benefits.
Jakob Denzinger曾是奥斯维辛集中营的看守 Former Auschwitz guard Jakob Denzinger
1989年逃离美国 who fled the U.S. in 1989
但在克罗地亚仍能收到每月1500刀的福利 but still gets about $1500 a month while living in Croatia
美联社调查发现 An Associated Press investigation found
司法部会给纳粹份子钱 that the Justice Department offered payments to Nazis
促使他们离开美国 as incentive to leave the United States
我太蠢太天真了 Well, don't I look stupid
我们真的没有其他办法赶走纳粹么 Really, we have no other way of making Nazis go away
还得靠行贿 But to bribe them?
听着 你们这些纳粹份子 See here, you Nazi monster
我就算追你到天涯海角 I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth
也要把每月的社保支票交给你 so that i can deliver you these monthly social security checks
我们可以直接打到你账户里 We can put them directly in your account number
但首先我得先问你 but first I have to ask you
那样保险么 is it safe?
既然你们懂Klink那个梗 我觉得电影霹雳钻的梗也能用上 Now you got the klink thing, I thought the Marathon Man would go too.
事实上二战之后 See it turns out that after World War II
我们给了几千名 姑且称为欧洲绅士 的人公民身份 we granted citizenship to several thousands let's call them european gentlemen
后来才发现他们把以前的工作矫饰成 营地顾问 only to find out later when they listed their old job as Camp Counselor
但是司法部不愿走又长又麻烦的手续驱逐他们 But rather than go through the lengthy and difficult process of deporting them
就以某种公民遣散费为代价 the Justice Department convinced them to self-deport
让他们自行离开美国 with a sort of citizenship severance package
只不过叫的名字不一样而已 although they called it something else
这个被称为 纳粹倾销 It became known as Nazi Dumping
纳粹倾销 Nazi Dumping
dump倾销 也有上大号的意思
别跟德国卖得最好的scat风格的成人片弄混了 Not to be confused with the best selling scat porn DVD in Germany
SCAT是一种色情风格 请自行搜索Coprophilia
其实这也是在卖得最好的DVD which is to say the best selling DVD in Germany
但跟所有大号一样 冲水只是冲到别的地方去了 But like any dump when you flush it away it just washes up somewhere else
麻烦的是 一旦发现其纳粹身份 没人想接受他们 Trouble was, once they found them nobody wanted them
可以想象这些不被欢迎的人突然出现在别的国家 You can imagine the blowback when someone unwanted
人家的消极反应 would show up in another country unannounced
纳粹应该能处理这种消极反应 Yeah, you think Nazi was be able to handle that blow back
我很确定突袭其他国家这种行为 I'm pretty sure showing up unwanted in another country unannounced
算是纳粹的名片 kind of their calling card.
很明显我们所有的盟友中 Apparently of all our allies
奥地利对于我们悄悄的把前集中营看守 Austria was particularly furious when we sent them
送到他们国家的行为尤为愤怒 a former concentration camp guard without warning
没错 奥地利 That's right, austria
抱怨别的国家送纳粹份子给他 complaining about another country foisting Nazis on it,
奥地利 这个阿道夫希特勒的第一产出国 austria, the world's number one exporter of Adolf Hitler
希特勒出生于奥地利
更多消息 有请资深白宫记者Jordan Klepper For more we're joined by senior white house correspondent jordan klepper
Jordan 欢迎加入我们 Jordan, thanks for joining us
对于国会终于有一次办成点事 Jordan, how does it feel
你有什么看法 to see Congress actually get something done for once?
感觉蛋蛋被人踢了一脚 It feels like a kick in the nuts, Jon
这个法案太过分了 This bill is an outrage
夺走退伍老兵的社保福利 国会真是丢人 Shame on Congress for taking benefits away from war veterans
Jordan 我觉得你没搞清楚重点 Jordan, jordan I think you're missing the point
囧叔 重点是历史 Jon, the point is history
你知道这些人参与了哪场战争么 Do you know what war these men fought in?
二战 Word War Two
没错囧叔 我们说的可是最伟大的一代人 That's right, Jon, we're talking about the greatest generation
不对 No
不是还行的一代人 Not the okay generation
不是可能更糟的一代人 not that could be worse generation
最 伟 大 的 the greatest
不对 No
我们应该感谢的英雄 heroes who deserve our thanks
他们不是英雄 他们不是我们这边的 Jordan, they're not heroes, they didn't fight for us
我们说的是取消给纳粹份子的社保 We're talking about taking benefits from Nazis
纳粹？ Nazis?
他们勇敢服役的战士 不是纳粹 Jon, these are brave servicemen, not Nazis
啥 What?
我不能让你诋毁这样的人 I won't you have slander men like
例如 親衛隊中將Helmut Wolfenstein Gruppenführer Helmut Wolfenstein
听起来确实有点像德国人名 Okay, that does sound German
或者是 or
党衛軍帝國指揮官Clause Von Teufel SS Reich Kommandant Clause Von Teufel
他们确实是纳粹份子 yeah, these guys are Nazis
懂你什么意思了 Totally get what you are saying
我们在给纳粹份子提供社保 We were giving social security to Nazis?
真操蛋 That's [bleep] up
确实操蛋 Yes it is [bleep] up
没错 Jordan, that is, that is.
我本来打算进行一场关于迫害的精彩说教 I planned to read like an inspiring homily about persecution.
我知道 Yeah, I know.
但要是给纳粹的话就不太合适了 But it doesn't really work if I it make it about Nazis.
确实不合适 但是 No it doesn't, but
请满足我们一下吧 please, indulge us.
请 请放过我吧 Please, please don't make me.
念你的稿子吧Jordan Read your homily, Jordan.
首先他们击败了纳粹 First they came for the Nazis
因为我不是纳粹 所以我没有抗议 and I did not speak out because I was not a Nazi.
用在纳粹上不合适对吧 Yeah, it doesn't really work with Nazi, does it?
继续 Keep going.
真的要么 好吧 Really? Okey
然后他们来袭击 Then they came for
还有啥比纳粹更坏的 what is worse than Nazi?
纳粹僵尸 Nazi zombies
玩真的么 我们还给他们提供社保 Seriously, we were giving them social security?
非常感谢 Jordan Klepper 各位 Thank you very much, Jordan Klepper, everybody
我们马上回来 We'll be right back
阿尔法小分队荣誉译制 翻/轴/压:@原头头 校:@PELLi_delta 欢迎加入阿尔法粉丝群 195914322 另招字幕组成员~