Flex, they are worse than my mama.
Man, that siddity condo association with their rules and regulations.
Man, where do we live, in Germany?
"May I keep my water-bed?"
"Nein, nein, nein!"
That rule protects everybody, especially you.
D, I've seen you trying to get out of that waterbed.
Look like a roach that fell in a swimming pool.
- They're doing you wrong, D. - Thank you.
You know what else is wrong?
You not sitting in my chair so I can tighten you up.
No, man. I don't think so, Walt.
Last time I was in your chair,
my hairline was as crooked as an Enron executive.
Hey, man, that's what you get
when you win your barber's license in a crap game.
[laughter]
Hello, everybody.
Oh, hey, Mommy.
Breanna, I was at the library for the last 45 minutes,
and I realized something was missing.
You.
Why are you here and not studying for the PSAT?
Because my nails are w-e-t, Mommy.
And if you mess them up, you got to pay me more m-o-n-e-y.
See, Mommy, a spelling game.
I am studying.
Breanna, let's go.
Nicole, relax. It's not that serious.
The PSAT is a standardized test.
She can't study for it. It's a test on what she already knows.
You don't study for the test.
You study how to take the test, Professor Fla-dap.
You're right, Nicole.
Baby, when you take the test, read the questions
and darken the bubble with the right answer.
Now study that, I Dream of Weavy.
[laughing]
See, you do this every time. I say one thing
- and you have to say the opposite. - That's not true.
- Tall. - Short.
- Left. - Right.
Michael Jackson.
White. Black... White.
I... I don't know!
♪ Sometimes in this life ♪
♪ You can feel all by yourself ♪ ♪ Check one, two ♪
♪ But I have a partner ♪
♪ When I can't trust no one else ♪
♪ So don't isolate yourself ♪
♪ When there's nobody around ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪
♪ What a true love we have found ♪
♪ Me and you against the world ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Life has just begun Now we're having fun ♪
♪ Living on on one ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ One on one ♪
Breanna, taking the PSATs is very important.
I come from a long line of women that didn't go to college.
I started the tradition of higher learning and she is going to continue it.
You also come from a long line of women
who started the tradition of drinking Kool-Aid out of jelly jars.
Go on, make jokes, Flex.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You were getting into college regardless.
You had basketball.
All my baby's got are her brains.
And I'm scared.
This is what the establishment wants us to do.
Argue amongst ourselves.
That's why they made that test culturally biased.
I mean, check it. What's the first thing they tell you?
Bring a number two pencil. Why?
'Cause a number one pencil is too dark,
too strong, too dominant over that white paper.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Even if a portion of the test is culturally biased,
math is universal.
There is no excuse for not doing well on that section.
But, Mom, I'm going to be an actress.
If math is ever in a movie it's going to go straight to video.
- Oh, oh, don't underestimate math. - See?
Now, I use it every day.
For example,
if my bookie is headed to my house at 40 miles per hour
and I left town 30 minutes ago...
in which state would he be breaking my legs? Anyone?
Anybody?
Texas.
You know, I got a perfect score on my PSATs.
- [all] No. - Oh, yeah.
And my life has been downhill ever since. You want to know why?
Because everyone expects you to be a genius.
So, I know the chemical composition
to a cancer vaccine, but that don't get you women.
Now, used cars...
that gets you women.
Yeah, used women.
I ain't picky, girl.
Look, the child is only 16. I want her to enjoy her life.
I don't want her under so much pressure.
You know, I don't want her to be 34 stressed out and bitter
like you.
You're right.
That's why in addition
to some study books, I brought along something to inspire her.
You see, it's a book about a woman that was trapped in a shotgun marriage
and she was able to escape because she got an education.
But, Mommy, this is your wedding album.
Exactly. Breanna, to the library.
Okay, students, it's time for the PSATs. Take your seats.
Ooh. Ooh.
Pencils are for writing, not for stabbing.
So, Breanna, do you think you're ready?
Look, that Christmas kiss was a big mistake. I wish we...
Oh, you mean the test.
Yeah, boy, I got this.
Spirit, what about you?
Well, ooh, I wasn't prepared for that question.
Ooh, I'm going to fail.
Don't stress. I mean, everybody's a little nervous.
Especially you when you're around me.
You look tense.
Oh, please. You and your corny...
Ooh.
Girl, he's strumming my pain with his fingers.
How can you two fool around at a time like this?
This is the most important moment of our lives.
Girl, if it was that important, all the banks would be closed.
Besides, I've got dreams,
and my talent can't be determined by some multiple choice questions.
It's more true or false.
Breanna is talented? True.
Breanna cares about this test? False.
All right, students, it's time to begin.
And if I catch any of you cheating,
you'll be taking it up with the Board of Education.
Just a little PSAT joke.
Don't tell your mommies and daddies.
Okay, begin with your social security number and your name.
What's my name?
And pencils down.
Thank you.
- [Spirit] Oh. - So, Spirit, how did you do?
Spirit! That's my name.
[whistling]
Oh, it's you.
For a second, I thought that chubby red M&M was on the loose.
[laughs]
Man, why do you always have to be joking about my weight?
Don't you think I try?
- Donut? - Ooh, don't mind if I do.
What's with the paint, man?
You see, red door symbolizes good luck.
- Feng shui. - Ah.
Breaking the uniformity rule.
The condo board's going to feng shui you to the curb.
The point is, Flex, according to this rule book,
"In case of aesthetic alternations, the condo board will only intervene
if a complaint is lodged."
And I talked to everybody in the building,
and they are all for it, so, uh... [silly laugh]
Who the man?
I'm the man.
Okay, looks like you've, uh, beaten the system, huh?
- Mm-hmm. - Twinkie?
You know you shouldn't tempt me, Flex.
All right, man, fry it up,
- and I'll be in there in ten minutes. - All right.
All right, I'll go sign us in.
Man...
I have never seen parent-teacher night this crowded.
Well, they're also giving out the PSAT results,
which means college is just around the corner.
[laughter]
Oh, which reminds me, um, you need to come up with $150,000
so she can go to Harvard.
Oh, sure. I'll just reach in my wallet and pull out my million dollar bill.
And I hope they have change.
And what are you going to pay for?
I was in labor for 17 hours. My debt is paid.
Man, look at all the people here.
Reminds me when my dad used to drag me
- to those parent-teacher nights. - Mm-hmm.
Yup, just like that.
Hey, Flex, isn't that Carl Swasey from high school?
I haven't seen him in years.
Yeah, he was pretty popular back in the day.
[Nicole] Yeah, he still looks good.
Yeah, if you like a guy with his name on his pocket.
Man, who would have thought he'd become a janitor?
Well, should we speak to him?
Do you want to feel incredibly uncomfortable?
Ooh, what time is it? Whoa.
Uh, you guys, they're ready for us.
Ooh, that was quick.
I told them Mommy couldn't be on her feet too long.
- A bad case of the gout. - Good girl.
[Sorel] Welcome, welcome, welcome.
- Hello. - I'm Ms. Sorel.
- You must be Breanna's parents. - Mm-hmm.
Now, let's talk about Breanna's future.
Yes, yes. Let's talk about Harvard.
Oh, no, no, let's talk about the University of Maryland. Go Terps!
No, she's going to Harvard.
Go... smarty-pants!
"Go smarty-pants"? And you have a Ph.D.
They just give them away, don't they?
Divorced parents, huh?
Yes. I suggest we get this thing going before he mentions her toes.
Okay. Uh, let's pull your file.
Uh-huh.
Here it is.
Oh, my!
Breanna, could you go get us some cookies?
Oh, I see.
You want to have a private conversation with my parents.
Look, I've never said this before,
but if they start talking about each other's mamas, duck.
The cookie line isn't long so we need to talk fast.
According to her PSAT results,
we'll be lucky if she can find her way back.
So, what are you saying?
Well, she's a good student, but with test scores like these,
I'm afraid she's just not college material.
What do you mean, "She's not college material"?
Take a look at these.
Let me see. Hmm.
I can't take her nowhere. I'm so sorry.
We could get you a tutor and some flash cards.
That way, you could look at them on the bus
and in between classes.
And then you can put them under your pillow at night
so they can sink into your head while you sleep.
Mom, I'm not going to college. I don't want to go to college.
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh.
Baby, go to your room. You're killing your mother.
Oh, Flex, we, we got to fix this.
What are we going to do?
If she skins her knee, we kiss it and make it better.
If she gets into a fender bender, we take the car to the repair shop.
If you get these, we buy her a helmet and pad her room.
I'm sorry to say, Nicole, but the girl's not going to college.
What do you mean she's not going to college?
That's what we always planned. It's the one thing we agreed on.
Yeah, that was before we saw her test scores.
- Have you seen these numbers? - Oh.
I mean, 60 out of 240?
You get 20 points just for knowing your name.
Where did I go wrong?
When I was pregnant with her, I ate right.
I didn't smoke, I didn't drink.
I even put the Walkman headphones on my belly
and played classical music for her in my womb.
Except for that night that you slipped in that Fat Boy CD.
It wasn't me. It's your fault.
All those 7-Eleven burritos while you were pregnant.
You were belly up to a microwave almost every night.
You probably fried her fetal brain.
Look, Flex, blaming each other is not going to do her any good.
Okay, you're right. We got to think about Breanna.
- Yes. - Right? We have to consider her future
and start to make plans so she'll be well taken care of.
Flex, what are you saying?
God forbid something happens to us, Nicole.
Our baby could end up...
in a group home!
Oh, come on, man, do you really think it's that bad?
Numbers don't lie!
Where you going?
To DeVry.
To pick up a catalog.
You're aiming too high, DeVry.
Come on, now, get up, let me have that. Get up, old man!
All right, Walt, this is your lucky day so don't jack me up, man.
Hey, I got you, all right?
Frankly, I'm insulted that you would insinuate
I ain't the master barber.
Now, how do I work these hair cutty thingies?
Man... You know I'm playing, man.
Look. Walt, I don't have time for your jokes, dawg, all right?
So, focus and cut my hair.
- Flex. Hey! - Hey, don't look at me, Patches.
All right, look, we'll just call it a birthmark.
I'm glad I saw you, Flex.
Man, we're going to have to call the exterminators for our building
'cause it looks like we have some rats.
Somebody anonymously complained about my feng shui.
Man, I hate that building!
I've been betrayed, and vengeance shall be mine!
Bro, I said vengeance shall be mine!
But I don't say that every day.
- Yes, you do. - Yeah, I do.
All right. Anyway, dawg, I got some things on my mind.
We just got Breanna's PSAT results.
It turns out she's not as bright as we all thought.
How slow we talking?
You know how long it takes my daddy to pay y'all?
- That slow. - [all] Ooh.
What's up, everybody?
Not her IQ.
Hey, Daddy, I came to get some gas money so I can go to the mall.
Oh, the mall?
Now, you know that's, uh, clear across town, you know?
A lot of lights and stop signs and...
let's not mention those left-hand turns.
Yo, Flex, you don't think that might be a little complicated?
What?
Complicated, baby,
as in, um, difficult, hard to do, not easy.
Yes, I know what the word "complicated" means.
Oh, see that? Thank God my baby knows what complicated means.
Oh, you'll get there, baby.
You know, they have a special bus that can pick up girls like you.
Okay, I don't know what's going on here,
but why is everybody acting like I'm stupid?
Oh, shh, no, no.
No, nobody's saying you're stupid, no.
Look, after seeing the results on your PSAT test,
I'm a little concerned.
That means he cares about you, baby.
Wait, wait, hold up. You still trippin' about that test?
You can't take that test seriously. Lord knows I didn't.
What are you talking about?
Well, I could have done better on the test but I just didn't care.
Wait a minute. You didn't even try to do well on that test?
No, I don't need it.
I've decided I'm going to embrace my acting talent.
The only education I need is the classroom of life
and a dialect coach. [bad British accent] Good day, guv'nor.
But, Breanna, you need a back-up plan.
But that's what soap operas are for.
I'll see you later, Daddy.
Uh-huh. I have a soap opera for her.
As the Belt Turns.
Nicole, we need to fix this.
Oh!
So, now we've got some fixing to do.
What happened to "She has to find herself"
and "I don't want her to be under so much pressure"?
Oh, come on, we both knew what was going on.
I was saying the opposite of what you were saying.
- No, you weren't. - Yes, I was.
Would you stop that?
Look, what are we going to do
about our brilliant yet manipulative child?
Well, one thing's for sure. We got to make her understand
that she needs a back-up plan.
And she's going to the college of my choice.
- You're right. - No, don't argue with me.
I'm...
You agree with me?
Oh, was it as good for you as it was for me?
Hurry up, hoppity.
How long do you have to wear that thing?
Don't worry, girl. I'll be back chasing you in 30 days.
Stop it.
Girl, why are you so dressed up?
Because the college recruiters are coming today.
Yeah, but you're only a sophomore.
Yes, a sophomore who scored a 200 out of 240 on her PSATs.
Which means I'm on the fast track to one of the better colleges.
Well, if you got 200, and you're on the fast track,
and I got a 215, what track am I on?
The track to a boring life punching in and punching out.
Two-point-five kids, a white picket fence,
supporting a wife who can't cook, blah-blah-blah.
Hey, you know what? You could be my accountant.
'Cause I'm on my way to Hollywood or should I say "Breanna-wood."
♪ And my soul needs relief ♪
♪ I'm holding you ♪
♪ Hey, hey, I'm holding you... ♪
Who's that?
♪ When the world comes down ♪
♪ I look around, yes, I do ♪
♪ I try to find the way ♪
♪ To keep my feet on the ground ♪
♪ Hey, hey, yeah, holding you ♪
Carl, you can sing.
Uh-uh, scratch that. You can sang.
How'd you end up scrubbing toilets? No offense.
None taken.
Besides, I don't really scrub them. I just make sure the water stays blue.
[Arnaz] Wait a minute.
I know that song.
That was "Holding You" by Physical Edge.
That's right. I was the lead singer.
I formed that group right out of high school.
"Holding You" was number one.
Till Color Me Badd knocked me off the charts.
But you can sing. You can cut another album.
I cut four of them.
And then they cut off my lights.
- [school bell rings] - [humming]
[Arnaz] We better get to class.
Man, thanks, Carl.
I hope this makes Breanna realize that she has to have a back-up plan.
Yeah, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you in music and all.
Are you kidding me? I own the custodial service.
I got the contract for the whole Baltimore school district.
Then what are you doing here?
I'm only filling in for one of my workers who's on vacation.
Plus, it keeps me off the golf course and out of the sauna.
You know, gives me a chance to keep it real.
You know what I'm sayin', Fla-dapp?
You know, Carl is looking better and better to me.
♪ When the work is real ♪
♪ And the body gets going on ♪
♪ I'm holding on ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm holding on, yeah ♪
- [arguing] - No, no. We have to wait for Daddy.
Wait... Nicole, what are you doing here?
Well, actually, Flex, um, I was having fantasies
about us getting back together again.
So, I come over here every afternoon,
and I hug your pillows, and I smell your shirts,
and I pray to God you'll take me back.
[both laughing]
That was good.
I got you.
No, seriously, the results of Breanna's make-up PSATs are in.
Okay, I'm ready for you this time, Nicole. Come on.
- Stop. Okay. - Breanna?
Okay, guys, I just want you to know that you were right.
- I should have a back-up plan. - That's good, now open it up.
And no matter what these numbers say,
I did my best so please don't be mad at me.
We're not going to be mad at you. Just open it up.
- And I just wanna say... - Would you just open the envelope?
I got a 220.
[both] She did it! Our baby's not a idiot!
Okay, okay, I did good, but I'm still not going to college.
- [sobbing] - Oh!
Stop killing your mother!
Hey, Duane.
What are you doing?
Somebody snitched on me again.
I'm telling you, man, I'm starting to feel like someone is prejudiced against me.
It's straight-up Duane-ism.
Uh, Daddy, Mr. Cross from the condo association is on the phone.
He wanted to let you know that they resolved
some red door issue you complained about.
- I got to go. - Vengeance shall be mine!
♪ One on one ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ One on one ♪
- I love you, Daddy. - Love you, too, Nellie.