Straight through to the conservatory.
One always expected Mike to get the nod after a lifetime's loyal service.
That's not to take away from cbes and obes.
Of course, any order of the British empire is a huge achievement.
No...
Uh, yes, that's for the kitchen.
Didn't Luke's school dinner lady get an mbe a couple of years ago?
Yes. Mbes tend to be for more...
- Hands on service. - Hmm.
So, will you be expecting us to call you lady abbott from now on?
Not necessarily, but it does have a rather nice ring to it.
Come on. Let's have a naughty Sherry.
- Not over there! - Sorry, ma'am.
During my four decades on the beat, I've worked with some fantastic people.
I've also had the pleasure
of working with a number of great partners.
Aw.
Not in the biblical sense of course.
Joking aside,
there's been one very special person
who has walked the thin blue line with me every step of the way,
throughout every trial, case and verdict,
and that is my wife of 35 years, lady Sandra abbott.
Aw.
Thank you.
Are you losing sleep about what's going to be happening from here on in?
No, thank you. What do you mean?
When Hugo retired,
I was on the verge of getting a part-time job in waitrose
just to get away from him.
I'm not concerned about that, Janet.
I've been planning our retirement for the last 35 years.
Oh, well, good for you, darling.
- Top up? - Oh, lovely. I'll spend a penny.
- Oh, are you enjoying it? - Marvellous!
What the hell's going on?
We were just...
It's not what it looks like, Sandra.
Sandra?
Sandra!
- Sandra, wait! - Get off me!
- How long has it been going on? - Let's not do this here.
- How long, Mike? - Since we all went to sorrento.
Oh, bloody hell.
That's nearly five years ago.
I've had enough of all this hide-and-seek, Mike.
How could you do this to me?
You're supposed to be my friend.
We even took you to the palace.
I... I didn't mean for this to happen, Sandra.
Oh, really? You knew precisely what you were doing!
Now, please calm down, Sandra. Remember where you are.
I know exactly where I am. I'm in my own bloody home.
I have spent my entire married life putting you and your career first,
and what got me through was knowing that when you retired,
we would share our golden years together.
But instead,
you've traded me in for a newer model.
Let me tell you, Mike,
she's had more than one previous owner!
And, and her bodywork is mainly filler!
Mum!
- Dad, what have you done? - Sandra...
Sandra?
Sandra!
Sandra?
Sandra!
Please, let me explain.
The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you.
I know it must seem like I've behaved in a terrible way, but...
Look, one thing led to another and...
Oh, you know how it is.
- Hello, Emma. - Hi.
Ooh!
Woo-hoo!
Excuse me!
It's women only in here.
Oi!
That's my handbag!
Come back here, you... wait!
Gotcha.
Charlie!
Yeah, all ready to go this end, Ted.
- Bilge filter. - Check!
Rodding junction.
- Check. - Pump outlet.
Oil filter tank? Discharge connection?
Check, check, check!
Then we're good to go.
I'll start her up.
- She's sounding good, Charlie. - Yeah.
What's that?
Jubilee clip.
Where from?
Oh, bollocks.
Stop! Stop! Oh!
Flipping hell!
- Turn it off. - I'm trying.
Hello?
Charlie? It's bif.
Is now a good time?
Uh, couldn't be better.
Some chancer took a fancy to my handbag.
Would you be a love and drop off my spare keys?
Yeah, I'll be there right away.
Thank you, pru.
I really must get around to buying one of these.
Why, when you can just borrow other people's.
Did you get a good look at him?
No.
By the time I made it to the top of the hill, I was seeing double.
Say when.
Woo-hoo-hoo! When! When! When!
Shame about the bag, though. I got it in Italy years ago.
Hmm.
What's that for?
Oh, it's to cover your pension.
- Put it away, Charlie. - Oh, bif.
- Please, please. - No, come on.
I lost my bus pass and a couple of sachets of laxatives.
All right.
Does make you wonder why they go to all that bother, though.
Well, constipation. It's a terrible thing.
Right, we're here, love. You all right?
Yes.
That'll be £37.50.
Right.
Keep a pound for yourself.
I should really charge you corkage, you know.
Would you be so kind as to carry my bags up to the door?
Do me a favour, darling, I'm a cab driver, not a footman.
Please.
Thank you, excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Any chance you could fix the front window lock for me before you go?
- I'd leave it. - Why?
With a bit of luck, somebody might climb in and take the lot.
Elizabeth, it's Sandra.
Sandra! What a lovely surp... What are you doing here?
Mike's been having an affair with Pamela Harper so I've left him.
I tried calling your landline, but apparently, you've changed your number.
- Years ago. - You might have let me know.
I expect it's been cut off anyway, now.
Or perhaps you've buried it.
I can only imagine what everyone is saying back home.
Now I know we weren't exactly in our honeymoon period,
but I just imagined his libido had naturally declined with age,
but it turns out he's been bonking her behind my back
- for over five years. - Oh.
I mean, what has she got that I haven't got?
She's a mistress, Sandra.
- It's a fantasy. - It's not a bloo... this is bloody real.
Aren't you going to offer me a drink?
Oh, sorry.
Um, well,
I've got
- peach Brandy or grappa? - Yes, please.
Well, that should stop anybody rummaging in your drawers.
I should be so lucky.
- Hello. - Charlie,
this is my little sister, Sandra.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
- Lady abbott. - Oh.
Honoured even.
All right, well, uh,
sounds like you've got a lot of catching up to do.
Uh, I'll see you on Thursday, dear, all right?
Bye.
Lady abbott?
I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment,
but this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
A chance to finally step out from Mike's shadow.
What do you mean?
Excuse me.
Do you have, er, spoons or forks,
anything that resembles actual cutlery here?
Another one of those.
I always found him overbearing, smug and self-important.
Classic case of small-man syndrome.
My husband doesn't have a small penis.
I wasn't actually referring to his genitalia, Sandra.
I just wondered why a man of his size
got into the police force in the first place.
There was a minimum height amnesty for a couple of years.
That still doesn't excuse you from sleeping with the enemy.
The whole point of us going to greenham common
was to stand side by side in female solidarity.
You dropped your knickers at the first suggestive glance through the fence.
Mike was only doing his job.
Guarding a bloody nuclear weapon.
It was the height of the cold war, people were scared
and they had every right to believe that they needed a nuclear deterrent.
- Poppycock. - Can you not appreciate
that not everyone is as brave and self-sufficient as you?
Some of us need to feel safe and secure which is exactly what Mike offered me.
Until he decided to press the red button.
I knew it was a mistake coming here.
How could I have expected you of all people to understand?
You've never stuck at a relationship in your life because it takes you away
from your devotion to yourself and your latest crackpot cause.
There's nothing crackpot about trying to safeguard the planet.
Oh, right, so what would happen to the human race
if everyone was too busy saving the planet to make time to procreate?
Oh, so the universe should be grateful that you and Mike had a knee trembler?
Ladies, could you please quieten down?
You're upsetting the other customers.
We're upsetting them?
How about the lifetime of heartbreak and betrayal
that is inevitably coming their way?
Not that I would expect you to understand with your cultural concubines
and polygamy.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
I beg your... how dare...
Officers, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
I was simply having a very nice conversation
- with the young manager there. - Keep going.
And when the, uh, my hand inadvertously slipped...
- Will you get your hands off me? - All right, madam, calm down.
I do hope you know who you're dealing with.
I'm married to the former chief constable of surrey police.
Her husband's been cheating on her.
I'm not surprised.
What did they charge you with?
Racial aggravation or drunk and disorderly?
Could we discuss this in a less public forum?
Sure, I'm coming down. Chuck this in the bins, will you?
I came down to the station, but they said you were sleeping it off.
This isn't funny, bif.
If you hadn't been bullying me, I wouldn't have got so upset
and thrown the onion bhaji at that woman.
It was a man and you assaulted him with a prawn dumpling.
Why are you being so pernickety?
Listen, why don't you have an alka-seltzer, have a lie down,
and I'll be back this afternoon.
- Why? Where are you going? - Dancing.
Very good! Good, good, good! And turn!
Turn! Flick! Flick!
- Flick! Flick! Flick! - Flick!
- Sorry, corrinna. - Oh, no worries. You're with Ted.
I've worked out some new moves for us.
Might want to put your crash helmet back on.
Very nice.
Good, good! Sheila, great!
Hello?
Sandra, it's me.
Oh, yes.
Pamela's asked me to move in with her.
She wants us to make a fresh start together.
I thought it through,
and I've decided it's in everyone's best interest.
How very bloody thoughtful of you.
Sandra, I hope that with time,
you'll understand that I never set out to hurt you.
Hurt me? How about bloody destroyed me?
Okay, everyone, let's take a break.
- Oh, I'll never get it. - Yeah. Here you go, Ted.
Payment for your labour the other day.
What? Danger money, you mean.
Oh, put it away.
How did your Internet date go at the weekend?
Well, let's just say, I got more than I bargained for.
- Ooh, lucky you. - No, he showed up with his wife in tow.
Turns out I'd clicked swinging instead of swimming on my list of likes.
Ooh.
These old locks are a bloody...
You don't fancy changing the one on my front door, do you?
Oh, how you and her majesty are sisters,
I'll never know.
Well, she used to be fun.
Oh, yeah? What happened?
She married a tosser,
and then became obsessed with keeping up with all the tossers.
When was the last time you saw one another, then?
Erm, it's nearly ten years.
I was protesting against the newbury bypass.
- Yeah? - I failed to turn up
- to her 50th birthday... - Oh, dear.
- And it was a murder mystery party... - Oh!
And I was the one who ended up getting killed off.
Yeah.
Ah, I've got it, that's it.
Well, you know, maybe this is an opportunity for you to get to know
one another again, eh?
Ah, I think we're too stubborn,
and set in our ways.
You? Stubborn? Oh...
- Here you are. - No, thanks. I've had enough.
Oh.
- It's ringing. - Yeah, they do that.
- Uh, can you, erm... - What?
- How does it go... - What? What is it?
- Uh... - That up there.
- Okay. - Well, speak into it.
What? Okay.
He... yes, hello?
Yes?
Oh.
Okay. Um, well, thanks for letting me know.
I'm on my way.
- What? - Sandra's in hospital.
I'm not surprised you're having panic attacks.
- What, with the stress of everything. - It wasn't a panic attack.
I'm not that sort of a person. I just had a bit of a turn.
Ready to board the fun bus?
- Er, you go first, Sandra. - Please come, come, come. This way.
Um, shall I get in first?
- 'Cause there's no seat. - In you go. Help yourself.
Shut the door. Let's get off.
Right.
Slide her across.
Off we go. Oops.
Are you both high?
As kites.
Ooh! Sorry.
I can't believe you still smoke wacky baccy.
Oh, what's the big deal?
There's really not that much difference between a bag of weed
and a bag of pharmaceuticals.
There is a big difference between licensed medicines and prohibited drugs.
Yeah, well, my crop has medicinal benefits, you know.
You should try it for your anxiety.
Oh, mate, mate, come on.
My only anxiety is whether we make it back alive.
And I have no intention of taking any medication, legal or otherwise
for a one-off incident.
Well, actually,
I was put on anti-depressants a while back,
when I was going through a bit of a difficult time.
Hmm.
Well, actually, I... I think it worked.
I mean, if you were...
If you break your leg, you don't limp around like a stray dog, do you?
I mean, you'd do something about it, right?
Perhaps, I should check myself into battersea dogs home.
Well, it's a thought, you know.
- Thanks, Charlie. Bye. - All right, bye, bif, yeah.
Do me a favour, lady abbott, next time you're in need of a lift,
get Smithers to pick you up in the Bentley.
How rude!
Perhaps if you'd said thank you.
What for? The insults and psychiatric evaluation?
Who the hell do you think you are, Sandra?
Maybe your money and title mean something where you live,
but around here, nobody gives a shit.
Clearly, you were out of options
or you wouldn't have turned up on my doorstep.
Get off your high horse and start treating other people with some common manners.
Here we go.
For Christ's sake, don't be such a prude.
I've seen them before.
Not in this condition, you haven't.
Gravity hits us all, Sandra.
The challenge is to make sure our spirits don't drop quite as far.
Look,
I want to help you get back on your feet, but you're making it very difficult.
I'm not like you, bif.
I...
I can't just...
Open up like a lotus flower.
I know when we were growing up, showing emotions was seen as a weakness,
but in my experience, bottling them up gets you nowhere.
This is like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.
Mike and I were supposed to be setting off on a cruise around the adriatic tomorrow.
Why don't you come down with me to my dance class next Thursday?
It might cheer you up.
I've been made to feel enough of a fool already, thank you.
What are you talking about?
You're a great dancer.
That was a lifetime ago.
Where did you get this?
I had dad's super-8 film transferred to DVD a few years ago.
I meant to send you a copy.
Do you remember mum sewing all that stiff, nasty net onto the petticoat?
Mmm. I remember it. It was like...
Dancing in a cheese grater.
What was his name again?
Gregory Powell.
I bumped into him a few years ago in guildford.
Camp as Christmas.
No surprises there, though.
I look so happy.
You were.
Come on, we're gonna miss the warm up.
I'd be happy to miss the whole bloody thing!
Morning, everyone. Sorry we're late.
Oh, here she is. Lady never shit.
You didn't tell me he'd be here.
Corrinna, this is my sister, Sandra.
She's going to be joining us today, is that all right?
Yeah, of course. Find a space, ladies.
- Hello, I'm Jackie. - Oh, nice to meet you.
- You staying with bif? - Yes.
- How long? - Not really sure,
just taking one day at a time.
Sandra's marriage has just collapsed.
Jackie's a veteran where affairs of the heart are concerned.
Been married five times.
First one broke down for religious reasons.
He thought he was god. I didn't.
Okay, everyone, time to get rid of the cobwebs.
It's the only thing that's holding Ted together.
Yeah, that and this bloody lycra.
All right. Okay, everyone, form a circle.
And everyone hold hands with their neighbour.
- Sandra? - There we go.
All right, I think we all know what to do.
♪ You put your left leg in ♪
♪ your left leg out ♪
♪ in out in out you shake it all about ♪
♪ you do the hokey cokey and you turn around ♪
♪ and that's what it's all about ♪
♪ oi ♪
♪ whoa the hokey cokey ♪
♪ whoa, the hokey cokey ♪
♪ knees bend all stretch ra ra ra ♪
Okay, everybody, find your partners.
Charlie, where are you, Charlie?
It's time to waltz.
Zach!
I'll be the guy, you be the girl.
One, two, three.
One, two, three, two, two...
I can count, bif.
I know.
Again.
What is it, Ted?
Just give me a minute, will you?
- Ted? - It's all right. I've got it.
That was our wedding tune, Charlie.
Sets me... sets me off every time.
You're spinning me too fast. I'm getting disorientated.
I can tell.
Where are you going? Sandra?
It's just some days, I...
I wish we'd gone together.
Oh, man. Oh, yeah.
I know. I know. I know.
Oh, I... just wanted to spend a penny.
Spend as much as you like.
Bog's down there.
Oh, man. All right, mate.
Come on.
All right, darling, I'll see you on Saturday.
Okay, bye.
- Who is that? - Nicola.
- Huh? - My daughter, your niece.
- Oh, of course. - Where did I put my drink?
She's gonna bring Luke, my grandson, up to visit me,
- so you can finally get to meet him. - Oh, I'd love to,
but it'll have to be another time. I've already got plans.
- Like what? - I'm going on a date.
Aren't you past all that?
Last time I checked, there wasn't an age limit for getting your leg over.
Can I borrow your phone a minute?
There you are.
Cor, you've... A bit of a tangle here, lil.
What is it, love?
Hey.
Do you want something?
I want to see Charlie.
You're looking at him, love.
I am Charlie.
Don't touch me.
All right, love. Um...
Why don't we, erm, go for a walk, eh? Get a bit of air?
Eh?
Get off me.
Leave me alone.
That's a very snazzy hat Luke's wearing.
Pamela bought it for him.
Why is she buying him presents?
Mum.
I wish I could change what's happened but I can't.
I know you're hurting, but...
I just want to have a nice day with you.
Grandma, can you push me?
I can. Yes.
Why aren't you living with grandpa any more?
Um...
Remember when
Oscar broke your new transformer and you said you never wanted
- to speak to him again? - Yeah.
Well, that's sort of what's happened with me and grandpa.
So, you'll come back if he buys you a new transformer?
Maybe.
You're not going to leave me out here in the...
Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. Come in here.
No, no, let's go in here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, one sec. One sec.
What are you doing?
Warming you up.
Don't worry about that.
I'm armed and dangerous.
Thirty minutes and I'll be good to go.
I'll get you there in ten.
Yeah.
Oh.
Ahh.
Gerald?
Gerald!
- You all right? - I'm fine.
But I don't think Gerald is.
He was a lovely fella.
Funny, kind...
- Hung like a... - Please.
Too much information.
I can't believe you're laughing about him, poor man.
Gerald clocked-off with a smile on his face, Sandra.
That's all any of us can hope for.
Aren't you scared of dying?
What's there to be frightened of?
Well, the fact that...
That that's it.
As Mark twain said,
I was dead for billions of years before I was born and had not suffered
the slightest inconvenience from it.
Slow, slow,
quick, quick, slow,
side together.
Slow, slow,
quick, quick, slow,
side together.
Okay, has everyone got that? Yeah? All right, find a partner.
Oh, um, Charlie.
Can... you know it, don't you? Can you be with Sandra, please?
Yep, thank you.
Zach, music.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Okay, turn, turn.
Slow, side, together.
Yep.
Uh, look,
I know this goes against every instinct,
but, er, it might help if you...
Let me lead?
- Yes, I would. - All right. Yeah?
- Yes. - Yeah?
Hands higher.
There, we made it.
Yes.
Great, lovely, everyone.
Can you make your way up here, class?
Before we go onto the next dance,
Jackie has come up with a rather fun idea
of how we can challenge ourselves this winter.
I'm not tobogganing down parliament hill again.
You're just a sore loser.
Throughout the winter, every seven minutes,
an elderly person dies from cold.
Now age uk are trying to change that
by raising funds for their new campaign called, "spread the warmth."
I think we're probably passed our ice bucket challenge days,
but one thing we all can do is shake a leg or two.
So how about we put on a dance performance in public,
and pass the hat around?
Oh, yes.
What dance were you thinking?
Well, how about a bit of everything?
Yeah, like a mash-up.
So who's gonna join us?
I am.
- Oh, come on, it's Christmas. - Come on!
Yes.
Come on.
Sandra, have you actually ever seen a central heating bill?
Don't be so patronising.
I would happily make a generous donation.
I do not want to embarrass myself in public.
Surely one of the perks of being old is it doesn't matter any more.
Well, it does to me.
You know, it's one thing being scared of dying, Sandra,
it's a whole different matter being scared of living.
That's it. Nearly there.
All right. Oh, there we go, love.
What're you doing?
Having tea with you. Same as every Thursday.
Here you are.
It's your favourite, love. It's chicken.
Well, it was chicken.
Oh, it's all right, Lilly,
it's okay, love. Calm down, love.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Lilly. It's all right.
- It's all right. It's your husband. - Lilly.
It's Charlie.
Liar!
It's all right. It's all right, Lilly.
Hiya!
Hello.
I take it you've not seen daylight today?
I've just been checking up on some important emails.
Virtual curtain twitching, you mean.
Just because you choose not to do social media...
How do you expect to take control of your life
when you're so obsessed with everyone else's?
Why don't you take the bike out? Go for a ride?
Get some fresh air.
I can think of easier ways to kill myself.
Clearly.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, stop, stop, stop! This really is a mash-up.
All right, look, don't get disheartened.
We will get there.
Yeah, if I don't have a coronary first.
But you must practise these steps at home. It's the only way we're gonna remember.
I can't even remember my own name.
Okay, are we ready to go again?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Okay. Zach, music.
What the hell have you done?
Tidied up.
Well, how am I supposed to find anything now?
Just trying to help.
All this food is way past its sell-by date.
Please don't tell me you subscribe to the "best before" conspiracy?
You won't be saying that when you're struck down with botulism.
"Best before 19..."
Oh, blimey.
It's left foot back, feet together, right foot forward, feet together.
Argh.
You're losing your balance because you're setting off on the wrong foot.
Easy for you to say from the comfort of the sofa.
- Just trying to help. - Well, don't!
Hi, Charlie.
She's in the day room.
- Oh, I've come to see you, actually. - Oh.
Charlie, most of the time, she's in a comfortable routine.
Well, then that's the way I want her to be all the time.
Uh, I've been thinking, um...
Maybe it's better for Lilly if I, er...
Don't come any more.
Is that a bad idea?
There's no right or wrong in these situations.
Look, you sold your house to care for her, Charlie.
No one could have done anything more.
Hello, love.
Huh.
Take care, love.
Charlie?
I was just passing and I thought maybe...
Oh, wish you'd get this bloody door sorted.
What's up?
Er, it was time to say goodbye.
I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Thanks, uh...
Me too.
You know, I...
I spent my whole life
fixing things, bif, you know?
Uh...
Pretty good at it.
But there's nothing...
Abs... absolutely nothing,
nothing I could...
I can do to fix... fix her.
I'm sorry.
How dare you do this to me? I hate you so much!
Aah!
Oh, didn't hear you come in.
Just walked in the door. I got us a curry.
You seem more upbeat today.
Oh, I just got this annoying tune going round in my head.
Hmm, this one's for you.
Hmm.
Oh.
More bills.
What's the matter?
Divorce petition.
Well, weren't you expecting that?
What did you think was gonna happen?
Well, I thought he would come to his senses and
phone me up and beg me to come home and
so I could get on with my life.
Oh, surely you wouldn't have gone?
I know you think I'm mad, bif, but I've...
I've loved Mike for most of my life and whatever he's done,
those feelings don't just...
Go away.
Nor this.
You need to get an expert opinion.
What about him selling the house?
Well, if the bastard wants to sell it, let him.
Then Sandra could buy something smaller with her share.
And live comfortably off the remaining equity.
The good news is, you get first dibs of the contents.
All he's requested is the elizabethan dining table,
six cut glass tumblers, and his tennis trophies.
35 years of marriage, and that's all he values?
I'm sorry, Sandra, that was shockingly clumsy of me.
But I can still keep my title?
I'm afraid it's not your title, Sandra.
When the marriage is dissolved, it will be transferred to his chosen consort.
Surely becoming a free woman is better than being a kept lady.
Good god, this place is obscene.
- Did you have staff? - You're looking at her.
Oh.
When we bought this house, I thought we'd be here forever.
Janet.
What are you doing here?
Sandra, what a surprise!
No, I was just collecting some spare balls from your court.
I thought you wouldn't mind, for the annual tennis tournament,
this afternoon.
Janet, this is my sister, Elizabeth.
Bif, hi.
How long are you back for?
Just the day, I'm collecting some personal things
from the house before it's shown to buyers.
I know. We saw it had gone on the market. Such a shame.
After all that work you'd done with the patio.
But still, you know, life goes on.
Maybe I'll find a minute to pop over and say hello to the gang, before we leave.
Oh, that would be a bit awkward.
Mike is coming.
And Pamela.
Sadly, as much as one loves playing with balls, one's rather pressed for time.
No wonder you stuck it out for so long. You must have barely seen one another.
And what's with all this silverware?
It's like a bloody shrine.
I used to spend hours polishing those.
And I think...
Yes, from that tournament on, he was sleeping with her.
Well, he doesn't deserve any prizes for that.
- Come on, your turn! - No, I can't!
Just do it.
Go on, Sandra. Give it to him.
How does that make you feel?
Well, I was gonna... I was gonna say better than sex, but it's been so long,
I've forgotten what it's like.
Was Mike a good lover?
I... I think so.
Please tell me there was life before Mike?
No wonder you put all that crap on a pedestal.
- Hello. - Hi.
What are they doing here?
Well, you needed a man with a Van.
I got you two for the price of one.
Charlie, I think I owe you an apology.
I must have come across
quite rude when we first met.
Ah, it's already forgotten.
Anyway, I know how disorientating it can be
when you find yourself on your own.
Does it get any easier?
I hope so.
Oi! Are Ted and I the only ones working around here?
Oh, sorry.
I'll need to report you for an unscheduled rest break, Charlie.
- You grass! - Bugger!
- Oh, er, hang on. - Okay.
Perhaps we should take a bit of a tea break, eh?
- Yeah. - Obviously with
- comrade Ted's permission here. - Da.
Any chance of something stronger?
Ow! Ooh.
Are you all right?
- I don't fancy being Fred without ginger. - What?
At the mash-up if you can't flippin' dance.
The last thing I want to miss is the fun.
- Worst case, maybe someone else... - Not happening.
- No. - Why?
She won't have time to learn it, anyway.
- She knows it better than I do. - What difference does that make?
No, it's all right. My treat.
Thank you.
It's my round.
- What do you fancy? - Yes, ladies.
- Erm, a half of lager, please. - Half a lager.
- Okay, I'll have a gin and tonic. - G and t.
Sandra?
What are you doing here?
Just picking up a few souvenirs from our life together.
Come on, Mikey, let's go.
That's right, run along, pretend that nothing's happened.
Let's not cause another scene, Sandra.
Heaven forbid. Perfectly all right to destroy a marriage,
not okay to talk about it.
Home wrecker.
Home maker, more like.
You may look as if you're in some
washing powder commercial, but underneath, you'll always be a grubby little bitch.
Come on, Pamela, let's go.
Come on, leave it.
Whoa! Well, that's her told!
This one's on the house.
Well done!
Touché.
- Here she is! - Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my keys.
- Come on, bif. - Come on, you lot.
- Are you sure you're up to this? - Shake a leg! Crack on!
- I better be. - Yes. Move along, get inside.
Go! Let's go!
- You look nervous, Ted. - I'm not nervous.
- I'm bloody terrified. - You'll be fine.
I hope.
Charlie, hang on.
- Room for a small one? - Yay!
So, you changed your mind, lass.
About a lot of things, actually, Ted.
♪ One two three o'clock four o'clock rock! ♪
♪ Five six seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock!
♪ Nine ten eleven o'clock twelve o'clock rock! ♪
Hey!
Gramps, look what grandma sent me.
It's gone viral.
Tsk, she looks ridiculous.
She's had her hair done. It's knocked years off her.
- Ooh! - Sorry. Foot slipped.
- Come on, bif! - What?
We're in danger of sobering up?
Not on my watch.
Try.
Mmm, lethal.
Isn't that the point?
Yes.
Charlie?
Ah! Refreshments!
Lovely!
- Cheers, buddy! - Right, that looks a bit tasty!
Listen. Oh, look! Listen, listen.
Londonyouth14 commented,
"they may be clapping, but these old peeps are banging!"
Whoo-hoo.
In english, please.
He's saying despite being old, and a little frayed,
these elderly people are rather good.
Who's gonna argue with that?
Oh, hello.
Hiya.
I can't believe how...
How homely your barge is.
Mmm. You sound surprised.
Well, I suppose I've never really thought of a boat as a place to live.
- Want to... - Oh, yes, thanks.
So how long have you had it? Uh, her?
Oh, it's...
Coming up to about five years, I think, since I sold the house.
Everybody advised me to, you know,
stay on the property ladder, keep my money in bricks and mortar.
Yeah, they say the same thing to me about my share of the sale.
Well, you know, this country's obsessed with home ownership, isn't it?
Hmm.
You know, I suppose it makes people feel independent.
But I see it differently.
It's like a trap.
Plus I, uh, I had to free up a bit of capital.
Well, I can certainly see the advantage of being able to change your neighbours
whenever you feel like it.
I won't tell Ted you said that.
So do you...
See yourself living like this forever?
No.
No, no.
When the time's right, I plan to take on a bigger adventure.
You know, sail across the channel.
Slowly work my way down through France to the camargue.
That sounds idyllic.
Yeah.
As long as the pump on the toilet doesn't pack up.
Well, you know...
Here.
Can you remind me exactly why we're doing this?
Because swimming's good for you.
Not in the middle of winter.
Do shut up.
Morning, pru, what's the water like?
Very cold. Not that you'd notice.
What's wrong with her?
We had a thing once, didn't last.
You...
You swing both ways?
Sure, sometimes.
You should try it. Doubles your chances on Saturday night.
- Hello. - Hi.
You and Charlie seem to be getting on better.
Well, he's... he's a very good host.
I noticed some guests got more attention than others.
Last one in is a sissy.
I'll count you in.
Ten, nine, eight...
Are you afraid to warm up? You should start moving. Come on!
Ow! Ooh.
What's the matter?
My bloody back's playing up again.
- Ow! - Serves you right.
I can't believe you still make these.
I remember mum teaching us to do them like it was yesterday.
I think she regretted it, though.
We used to drive her mad squabbling over the glitter, didn't we?
My favourite Christmas treat was being taken up to London to see the lights.
Apart from that time when we went to see Santa at selfridges,
and you peed yourself when you sat on his knee.
I don't know who was more upset, me or him.
Him probably.
Shall we go tomorrow?
Huh? What? To see the lights?
Why not?
Okay.
We could do a bit of shopping, 'cause I need to get something for Luke.
Hmm. All right, well, you do that first and then I'll meet you later.
- Wait, I'm gonna help you down. - Help you down?
- Or I'll go down. - No, no, no, no. Come on.
Hello, Sandra.
Oh, Charlie.
Well, bif didn't say you were coming.
No, no, she didn't say you were coming either, is she here?
All right, um...
I'll, I'll just call her.
All right, yeah, yeah.
Sandra, hi.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I ran into an old flame this afternoon, I completely lost track of time.
- Sorry, we're ready. - What?
Didn't I mention he was joining us?
Yeah. Listen, I've got to go.
I'll see you back at home.
Okay, bye.
Standard! Standard!
She's not coming, is she?
Nope.
Well, it'd be a shame not to see the lights... Now we're here.
Hmm?
- Right. - Shall we? Yeah.
I don't know. What was wrong with a satsuma
and a couple of walnuts in a stocking?
I wanted to make up for not being there.
- Here, let me take that. - Oh, thank you.
Makes it a bit easier for you, yeah.
Actually, this will be the first year I won't see my grandson
open his stocking.
Christmas without any children is going to feel very strange.
Yeah. We tried for kids, but...
It just didn't happen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay. No. In some ways, it... It brought us closer together.
Anyway, Lilly always said I was enough trouble to look after, you know?
Yeah.
Tonight's been a trip down memory Lane.
I once stood on this corner with 300 girls queuing around the block.
Yeah? For what?
Waiting to audition for chorus line.
You're a dark horse, aren't you?
I had a feeling you had a bit of form!
Did you make the cut?
Well, sort of. Erm, I got through the second round
but then I discovered I was pregnant.
So, I embraced a different role.
Motherhood.
Ever fancy giving it another go?
Mike had a rather traditional view of family life,
and being a west-end Wendy didn't really fit into that.
That's your Van, isn't it?
Oh, no. No.
Hey, excuse me, mate, I say, excuse me!
You've gotta be kidding me. I mean, I've paid till 11 o'clock.
Not to park on a motorbike bay, you didn't.
Yeah, but it's gotta be a matter of inches, isn't it?
Come on, where's your Christmas spirit?
I drive a tow truck, mate, not Santa's sleigh.
How much is the fine, anyway?
£280 for moving it, plus the parking ticket of 65 quid.
Then, 40 quid a day storage after that.
Surely, in a situation like this, where someone has made a genuine mistake...
You are breaking my heart, lady.
Ah, well, as a matter of fact, I happen to be... ooh!
Oi!
What the hell are you doing?
You coming?
Oi.
Oi! You can't do that!
Grinch!
Maniacs!
Okay. Keep your eye out for the wanted posters.
Thank you for the door-to-door service.
- Goodnight, Charlie. - Yeah, goodnight.
How long had you been planning that little stunt?
At our stage of life,
why waste time waiting for things to take their natural course?
- So, did you? - No!
He didn't try to kiss me or get his leg over or anything else untoward.
- He was a perfect gentleman. - I need to have a word with him.
No, you need to leave it alone.
You've meddled quite enough, thank you very much.
Tell me you at least had fun.
Yes, I did.
Cheers.
Before you go off and join the queue for Santa's grotto,
I've got an early Christmas present for you all.
We've been talent spotted.
The artistic director of the Rome biennale
has invited us to perform, after seeing our flash mob online.
We leave on the 10th of February, for two nights, all expenses paid.
We're going to Rome!
This hotel better have satellite TV.
I cannot miss arsenal beating the spurs again.
Oh, Ted, we're going to Rome, city of lovers!
Exactly! The only question you should ask yourself
is whether you can upgrade to a bigger bed!
Come on, come on! Go fast, go faster!
Go faster!
On three. One, two...
- We've all got one! - Ooh, a little frame.
Hang on, let's have a look here. Oh, here we are.
What's this? Oh... okay, all right.
All right, erm...
"Which, er, playwright was terrified of Christmas?"
Don't know.
Noël coward!
Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, okay, okay.
"What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?"
Tinsel-itis.
Bif, what have you got?
You know how they say, you can't choose your family
- but you can choose your friends? - Yeah.
Well, I couldn't have chosen a better bunch than you lot.
Aw!
And Sandra, over the last few months,
I've realised I've got my sister back.
And that's the most precious Christmas gift I could have wished for.
Aw, good.
- To family and friends. - Yeah.
- To family and friends. - Cheers!
Now, does anybody fancy another one of these rissoles?
Rissoles are cheap today!
It's been a disaster from start to finish, mum.
It's the worst Christmas ever!
- What happened? - Lunch was inedible.
It all came out of a packet and Pamela still managed to burn the lot.
Luke wasn't even allowed to play on her new carpet
with the remote-control Jeep you bought.
And then, she and dad got drunk on mulled wine and had a blazing row.
So the day got better then?
- Mum! - Sorry, sorry.
I'll take some of these pies back home.
- Oh, that's a good idea. - Shame to let them go to waste!
Can you pick up a couple of glasses from in there?
Yeah, let's get this carnage cleared up.
Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.
She's out for the count.
To be honest, I was really dreading Christmas this year,
but it has been one of the most enjoyable I can remember.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'm...
Although, I'll tell you,
I'll be pleased not to have to listen to any more Christmas tunes until next year.
What, er... what music are you into, then?
Er...
This sounds terrible, but I'm not really sure.
Mike used to play drive time compilations in the car, but we didn't really
have any in the house.
How can a couple not have music in their lives?
I mean, the pressure on conversation is insane.
Now that's more like it.
Well, what, don't you know this one?
No.
Yeah, it's, er, it's called the Harlem shake.
- Come on, give it a go. - No, I'll just do this lot.
Come on, come on, come on, they're not going to go anywhere, are they?
Come on, come on, right, so it's all about the hips, right?
It's in the hips and the shoulders, so...
Right, so hips...
- I don't know what kind... - Come on, what's going on down here?
I thought you were supposed to be a pro or something.
I mean, you look like you're trying to crack a walnut down there!
Thank you! Charming!
Come on, you're gonna have to loosen up a little bit.
Shake it out a little bit, all right?
Yeah...
Oh, now you look like you're trying to hump the wall!
Okay, all right.
Are you all right? What's the matter?
Can you get my inhaler? It's in my cardigan.
All right?
- There you go. - Thanks.
I didn't know you had asthma.
Okay?
Mmm... it flares up from time to time.
It's fine now.
I'm sorry for being such a bad host.
Falling asleep on the job.
Don't worry about it. Don't apologise. You left me in very capable hands.
I'm fine now.
- All right? - Mmm.
Oh...
Use your inhaler!
Oh.
Mmm...
- Morning. - Mmm.
Oh, I'm starving.
What are all those?
They're for the asthma.
I'm dying.
There had better be a good punchline to this.
How about stage 4 lung cancer?
They referred me to an oncologist,
when they couldn't make out why my back wasn't mending.
And then I got the result of a scan, a couple of weeks ago.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I needed the time, just to get my head around everything.
So when do you start chemo?
I'm not going to put myself through all of that.
You have to.
No, I don't.
I don't want any tears, Charlie.
You aren't getting any.
Oh.
Purely medicinal purposes.
- Mmm. - Can I have a puff?
You're the only people I'm telling.
I couldn't bear everyone else to start treating me like a sick old woman.
What about Jackie and Ted?
What I need most are things to look forward to.
And if I tell everyone, it will spoil Rome.
You're not still thinking of going?
No.
I thought I'd just sit here and wait to die.
- Buongiorno, madame. - Buongiorno.
Did you know she could speak Italian?
- Not a clue! - Okay, everybody, let's get
our glad rags on. It's called the eternal city for a reason.
- I'll take it. - It's all right, Sandra.
I've got cancer, I'm not an amputee!
Stunning!
- Thank you. - Oh, I meant the view.
- Oh, yes. - No, no, I'm only joking.
Of course, I am.
Oh, no, you look bellissimo.
Look, Sandra,
I know it's difficult...
But bif's made her choice.
I'm trying to be strong for her,
but we're cut from different cloth.
You two are more similar than you realise.
Ah, it's a good job we don't have a bloody matinée tomorrow.
We do.
What can you do? Signore!
That's exactly what the doctor ordered.
I've eaten so much, I think I might need a doctor!
Oh, I love this city.
And it seems to love you.
I first came here in 1969,
when I hitch-hiked across Europe with Polly Watkins.
- I don't remember that. - No, well, you were still at school.
By day, I was a chambermaid,
and by night, I was Audrey hepburn,
looking for my own Roman holiday.
That's when I met him.
Which "him" is this?
His name was gino.
A group of us used to hang out at his parents' restaurant
after closing time and eat huge feasts of all the leftovers.
He called me his little pattumiera.
- Huh? - Little dustbin.
Because I'd eat anything he cooked.
He had a way with words, then.
He had a way with most things.
Look at this.
We were madly in love,
and planned to spend our lives together.
His parents gave us their blessing.
And then,
two weeks before I was supposed to move here,
he was killed in a stupid car cash.
No.
And when I finally got myself back in one piece,
I vowed I wouldn't ever let myself feel that pain again.
And I haven't.
But you know what?
Being back here now,
I regret it.
Regret what?
Never falling in love again.
Oi, come on, you two!
Big day tomorrow.
Time to go up the wooden hill to bedfordshire.
Come on.
- Come on. - Yeah.
Oh...
Hello, Nicola.
Is everything all right?
Yes, great.
Dad's left Pamela. He's going to call you.
Really? What's he expecting?
Me to come running back now he's had his fun.
I don't know. Will you at least speak to him?
It's not that simple.
Besides,
I'm in Rome.
Rome? What are you doing there?
I'm dancing.
At a festival.
You don't like dancing.
There are a lot of things I forgot I liked whilst I was with your father.
Listen, darling, I've got to go,
'cause we're on stage in about...
Oh, shit!
- Buongiorno, madame. - Buongiorno.
- Are you enjoying your morning? - Oh, lovely, thank you!
What do you think, Charlie?
Not bad for a warm-up act.
Sorry. Where the hell is Sandra? We're on in five.
How's your head?
Thumping in time with the beat.
All right, guys? Come.
I'm here.
- Oh! Thank goodness! - Oh, here she is!
Oh, here she is. Okay, guys, it's show time.
Just remember, if you enjoy it, they'll enjoy it.
- You'll be fabulous. - Break a leg, everyone.
Well done.
Bravo!
Whoo!
Bravo!
- Look out. - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Whoa!
Now, you sure you don't want me to stay in with you tonight?
We could order up room service, anything you fancy?
Definitely not.
All the excitement has taken it out of me. I just need to rest.
You go and enjoy yourself with Charlie.
Mmm.
Promise me, you won't make the same mistake I did.
I'm not sure I could...
Ever trust anyone again, really.
Sometimes, you just need to take a leap of faith.
Yes, bullseye! Right.
"First one guarantees that you will return to Rome."
Okay, and what's this one for?
No, I'm not telling you till you've thrown it.
Yes! Bosh! Right. Yeah, right.
It says that the second one...
Leads to new romance.
What's the third one for?
It's... marriage.
One sec. Sandra, erm...
There's something I need...
Well, you're not going to tell me you're married?
What...
Yeah, Lilly's in the advanced stage of Alzheimer's.
I thought you told me your wife had died.
No, no, I never said that.
She's been in a care home for the past five years.
She doesn't recognise me.
She doesn't remember anything about our life together any more.
Does bif know?
- Yeah. - Well, why wouldn't she have told me?
Well, perhaps she wanted us both to be happy again.
Oh, I... I can't do this.
Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, listen, just listen.
I didn't imagine for a minute
that I would be able to move on.
- But then you come into my life... - I wouldn't have dropped my guard
if I'd known the truth.
But I promise you,
I didn't set out to deceive you.
I've grown really fond of you, Charlie.
But after what I've been through,
I can't be the other woman.
Sorry.
Bif.
Jackie, was bif at breakfast?
I'm not sure but I'm not at my best this morning.
Ted and I stayed up until 3:00 testing various grappas.
- Do you want me to go and check? - No, no, she's probably just having
a lie in, it's fine.
- Thank you, grazie. - Prego.
Morning.
Did you hear me? I've been knocking for ages.
Come on, we're gonna miss the best of the day.
Hmm?
Oh...
No.
Oh...
Bif.
Growing up with bif as my big sister,
I inherited my very own alternative life coach.
I learned the ways of the world
through her example, and as you can imagine,
it wasn't all textbook stuff.
The one thing she wasn't able to teach me was how to say her name properly,
which is how she ended up being known as bif,
due to my inability to pronounce Elizabeth.
My biggest regret
is that over the years we grew apart,
and it was only when we reconnected last summer,
that I realised quite how much I missed...
Her guiding hand.
Her lust for life was contagious.
And being around her again forced me to wake up
and start making the most of it.
My sister was loyal,
fun,
challenging,
mischievous, generous, loving and stubborn as a mule.
She quite simply refused to be defined by convention, or more recently,
illness.
She was truly a one-off.
The world is going to be a duller place without you, bif.
Last one in is a sissy.
- You did very well. - Are you coming afterwards?
Yes, I'll see you back up there.
Sandra.
I, er...
Can we talk?
About what?
Mum.
- About how you're coping... - Mum?
- I... - I'm going to go ahead and get the car.
Okay.
- You look shattered. - I'm fine.
No, you're not.
We're not.
Please come home, mum.
I want to have you with us for your big birthday.
There's nothing keeping you here, any more.
I'll see you at the top.
Sandra.
- I know there's no point in... - No. None at all, Mike.
I know I behaved like a complete idiot.
Whatever gave you that idea.
But sometimes the wrong turns in life bring us to the right place.
I'd do anything, and everything
to take away the pain and humiliation my stupidity has caused you.
I realise now how much I really do love you,
have always loved you.
Give me... us, a second chance,
and I promise, I won't take you for granted ever again.
Hmm.
Is that the lot, Sandra?
Yep, that's it.
Well, the charity shops will not know what hit them.
Half of most of it came from there in the first place.
- Good luck, Sandra. - Thank you.
I really do hope it works out for you.
Well, everyone deserves a second chance.
Even my husband.
And I hope he knows how lucky he is.
Welcome home, love.
I went to marks and did a bit of a food shop.
I got the veal and ham pie we like for tea.
Er, I couldn't find your pickle.
As you know, I'm a bit of a stranger to the larder.
I had a whisk round with the hoover.
But I fear my efforts will not pass muster.
Dear Sandra,
I wanted to let you know that Lilly has sadly passed away.
Now that she has reached the end of her journey,
it feels like the right time to embark on a new one of my own.
I'm setting sail for France on the 15th,
from my moorings in Paddington to make the tide.
So if you're life is still without music,
and you fancy a decent croissant or two...
Give it to me.
Stop it.
Slower.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and those of you who are undecided.
We're gathered here today to celebrate the birthday of my wonderful wife.
Like a fine wine, she only grows better with time,
and I'm looking forward to sharing many more vintage years with her.
- Aw! - Happy birthday, my love.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
Come on.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Sandra ♪
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
God, look what Gloria is wearing.
Do you remember that time in claridge's when,
when we told her to get the sommelier,
and she tried to order two bottles of it?
Do you remember?
Oh, was it claridge's? My memory.
Granny, can you teach me how to dance?
Oh, I'm in the middle of a story!
Of course, I can, darling. Come on.
Oh!
- I want you to take your shoes off. - Okay.
Now, I want you to put your feet on mine.
This is really boring. Can't we do gangnam style?
Oh, I don't think I know that.
Wait, wait, wait, stay there, stay there.
Excuse me, excuse me.
You're making a spectacle of yourself, Sandra. Everybody's looking.
Who fucking cares?
I do. You've had too much to drink, let's get you a coffee.
Come on. Come on.
The last thing I need is a bloody coffee.
I'm stone-cold sober, Mike.
You know, I didn't think anything could be worse than being betrayed by you.
But actually, I've realised I've spent the last 35 years betraying myself.
I want you to remember that granny loves you very much.
I love you, too, darling.
- I'll keep in touch. - Mum, where are you going?
To see the world. It's bigger than this.
Charlie, where'd you want the bait?
Yeah, just there by the hatch, mate, thanks.
Hey, Ted, if you change your mind, mate,
plenty of room in here for a stowaway.
Aye, if it wasn't for the grand kids, I'd love to be your cabin boy.
Hey, why don't you give Jackie a ring, eh?
Ask her out for a drink.
- You think so? - Mind you, if it goes anywhere,
make sure you get a prenup.
I'm going to get out here.
Sandra?
What are you doing here?
- Where's Charlie? - He left a few minutes ago.
Oh!
Wrong way.
Oh. Wrong way. Thank you.
Charlie.
Charlie!
Sandra!
I didn't think you'd come!
Neither did I, but you're right,
it's impossible to find a decent croissant in surrey.
What are you doing?
I'm taking a leap of faith!