[ Projector clicking ]
[ Thunder ]
♪ I
♪ watch the clock for you
♪ when you
♪ bid your servant once adieu ♪
♪ so true
♪ a fool is love
♪ what to do
[ woman laughing ]
♪ For this sin
♪ there's no remedy
♪ we begin
♪ to see what we need
♪ ooh-ee-hoo
excuse me.
You wouldn't happen to have an aspirin, would you?
Do I look like a pharmacy?
No, but you look like somebody
who wouldn't let a guy suffer needlessly.
Tylenol do?
Thanks.
You don't look like you're in pain.
Oh, just got off a flight from London
with a music student who was drumming her way
through tchaikovsky's sixth the entire flight.
The sixth doesn't have a drum part.
That's what I told her.
Ahem.
Thank you.
I'm flying out tomorrow.
And here I just flew in.
Well, they say timing is everything.
I thought that was location.
I have my certification boards tomorrow.
In what?
Embalming.
Ow.
I need my sleep.
[ Whispering ] "And sleep nowhere is peaceful
but here among the dead."
♪ For this sin
♪ there's no remedy
♪ we begin
♪ to see what we need
♪ ooh-ee-hoo
[ song fades ]
[ Alarm clock beeping ] [ Dog barks ]
[ Dog barks, whines ]
How you doin'?
[ Cell phone rings ]
No, no, no, remember the complete quote
follows the chapter heading?
I thought you were seeing my mother this morning.
We decided this in the meeting last week.
She insisted on running with us.
Jesus, you think she'd lighten up.
I mean, it's her vacation, for Christ's sake.
You know, when I was a kid,
she used to pick me up at school
in these white go-go boots
like some aging disco diva.
Very embarrassing.
Where is my manuscript?
The sex book?
[ Cell phone ringing ] - Autobiography.
Uh-huh. Hello.
Yes, bring the galleys over here.
Thank you.
She's a very interesting woman.
I have invited her out running with us.
Did you remember the champagne?
Champagne.
I thought you were champagne.
No, I'm flowers, catering, and guest list.
You were champagne.
Jesus, what's he doing?
Happy anniversary.
- Hey! - What?
Embalming?
I thought you'd like that.
It was good.
Thank you.
Bye, guys.
[ Dog whines ]
Busy girl.
Abbie: James' father? Do I miss him?
Honey, I missed him more when he was alive.
James always said he wasn't much of a father.
He wasn't much of anything,
but that could just be the rage,
hurt, and boredom talking.
[ Laughs ]
Good morning, everyone.
Ah, morning.
Martha, this is my mother-in-law, abbie.
Hi.
And that's Lynn, who I'm working with.
- Hello, abbie. - That's Martha.
Hi, Lynn. I'm Martha.
So why'd you marry him anyway?
Because he was there.
You get married because you think you need
another person to validate your existence.
Oh, my gosh. You don't really mean that.
Well.
Trouble again?
Just the usual.
Some days, I just want to stay in bed
with the covers over my head.
That's why God invented shopping.
Which reminds me,
I've got to buy something fabulous to wear tonight,
so I'm gonna go now.
- What? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Okay. Well, everybody
is going to start arriving around 9:30.
I'll be there.
Nine years. Who would believe it?
None of mine lasted more than four.
Bye-bye!
They must have had an expiration date.
Lynn: Is she always so, uh...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Nina: Yes.
Well, at least she's human.
I'm convinced my mother-in-law
is an early experiment in recombinant DNA.
No!
I have yet to discover the singular charm
of the mother-in-law.
Oh, my God, no!
Give me a break!
Come on!
[ Groans ]
Ohh!
I really should get going.
Why? I thought we were gonna go to lunch?
Oh, I'm sorry, something came up.
Oh, the kids, yeah.
No, an old friend.
Oh. Well, she can join us.
Well, no, I promised to meet her in the city.
Okay.
I'll see you at the party.
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
So I finished the new draft.
Well, are you going to tell me,
or do you enjoy watching me sweat?
I think we're ready to go to galleys.
Really?
No, I don't think so, not yet.
Oh.
It's a great story, Lynn.
Isn't that your friend?
Nina: That is weird.
Lynn: What?
That's just not the way to the city.
Maybe she's gone home to change...
Into a werewolf.
The undead?
[ Engine starts ]
I mean, have you no curiosity?
[ Tires screech ]
This is so Charlie's angels.
Oh, Martha hates the city.
Maybe she heads for a dim, smoky bar,
dons sunglasses and a gypsy bandana.
She signals to a man
with darkly arab features and scuffed shoes,
and he takes her to a room in the back
where men and boys are doing
unmentionable things to each other,
clouded by opium and broken dreams.
Aw.
Well, so much for that theory.
What?
That is one of his and James' projects.
She must be meeting pieter.
Her husband.
How dull.
Wow.
What is it?
Nina, where are you going?
[ James grunts ]
[ Martha laughing ]
Are you going to tell me?
Son of a bitch,
I gave him that bike on his last his birthday.
Who?
My husband. Get in.
Jesus.
Are you okay?
Uh-huh.
You're scaring me.
You should be, you know,
yelling, crying, throwing something.
No, yelling was the first time.
Second time, was crying,
and I think throwing things was around number four.
You just have to deal with it, you know.
You're not going to be
some pre-liberation model wife, circa 1954,
you know, throwing a tizzy just because ward
is screwing around with one of June's closest friends,
not to mention the wife of one of his closest friends.
But that's just not the way I deal with things.
You know, I'm about putting things into perspective
and intellectualizing, rationalizing.
I mean, I know how to deal with these trivialities.
Nina, I think that maybe you should let me drive or pull over.
I don't know who I am,
because this sure as hell isn't the person
that I started out to be.
I'm just going to deal with it.
I'm going to go on with my fucking day,
and I'm going to have my fucking party,
and I'm going to deal with things
[ train horn ] ...in my own fucking repressed way until...
- Nina! - [ Brakes screech ]
[ Warning bells clanging ]
- Goedemorgen. - Hey.
Finally. Any word from Wendell?
Why would he call me?
Relax. It's a long flight.
He probably wants to settle in.
This is the copy for Terry.
Yeah, right. Once it's out there,
it's not like we can turn around
and sell it to the Japanese, you know.
That's a good idea,
turn around and sell it to the Japanese.
I like that.
Let me know if he calls!
I will!
[ Dialing phone ]
Woman: Gulliver's travels, goedemorgen.
Hi, Victoria. This is James ferguson.
I'd like to make a reservation.
Hi, James. When would you like to fly?
Um...
How about the, uh, 24th?
I'll be traveling with Mrs. ferguson.
Let me pull up your file.
Any particular destination,
or do you want me just to pick one?
I'm sorry?
Any particular destination,
or do you want me just to pick one?
Uh...[ Laughs ]
I'm sorry.
I should have thought of that before I called you.
Uhh...
Madrid is beautiful this time of year.
Really?
- Yeah. - Sounds great.
Are you serious?
- Yeah, book it. - Okay.
- Thanks, Victoria. - Bye.
Bye.
[ Nick Drake's river man playing ]
♪ Betty came by on her way ♪
♪ Said she had a word to say ♪
♪ 'Bout things today
♪ and fallen leaves
♪ said she hadn't heard the news ♪
♪ Hadn't had the time to choose ♪
♪ A way to lose
♪ but she believes
♪ gonna see the river man
♪ gonna tell him all I can ♪
♪ 'Bout the plan
♪ for lilac time
♪ if he tells me all he knows ♪
♪ 'Bout the way his river flows ♪
[ Doorbell rings ]
♪ And all-night shows [ Rings ]
No, don't let's just stay this way.
They'll be lining up, sweetheart
no, let them.
I just want one kiss.
Always.
[ Doorbell ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Doorbell ringing ]
[ In Dutch ] ...So I realized I couldn't make a bit of noise
or the gestapo would hear.
But with a knife, you know,
you have to hit a major artery to make it quick,
which isn't always so easy.
Oh, how awful.
[ In Dutch ] I have to say good-bye to someone.
[ Starts to speak ]
Thanks for coming.
Oh, it was so good seeing you.
- Nina. - Hi.
Wow!
Yeah, pieter's latest trinket of appeasement,
and I didn't even have to threaten
to cut my wrists this time.
Mart!
[ In Dutch ] I thought we were coming over together.
[ In Dutch ] It just made more sense
to come straight from the office.
Last minute preparations for the aussie.
[ In Dutch ] Good you could make it at all.
[ Laughs ]
[ In English ] I, uh... I need to freshen up.
Oh.
Your elevator's out again.
What's that they say?
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
[ Laughing ]
[ Water splashes ]
[ Piano playing outside ]
[ Lynn singing to piano in background ]
Martha: Oh, Jesus. Next time I fly,
they're going to ask me to check these bags.
[ Nina laughs ]
Men always think it's funny, you know,
how women come to the bathroom in pairs, but...
I guess it's just a bonding thing.
Men like to compete.
[ Laughs ]
Exactly.
Hey.
I'm really glad that you're here.
Did you think I wouldn't come?
No.
It's just good to be surrounded by friends.
Yeah.
Lynn: ♪ the joy that you'll find here ♪
♪ You've borrowed
♪ you cannot keep it long, it seems ♪
Hi, James. How are you?
Let me introduce you to a friend.
Sorry, what's your name?
Hi, mirije.
Mirije, James. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
- Enjoying the party? - Very much.
- Good. - See you later.
See you.
Hello. By the way,
can you tell me, who's that woman?
James: It's my mom, hendrik.
Your mom?
Abbie.
Thank you.
[ Lynn continues singing in background ]
May I have this dance?
♪ The joy that you'll find here ♪
♪ You've borrowed
♪ you cannot keep it long, it seems ♪
I'd like to tell
a nice story about the gestapo.
♪ And gigolo and gigolette ♪
♪ Still sing a song and dance along ♪
♪ The boulevard of broken dreams ♪
I'm not falling yet.
Don't save me before.
Parents are just too willing to believe
that every little thing they do
has great significance.
You know, like the guy who's a serial...
Oh! Serial killer.
Don't you hate it when that happens?
Just because he didn't get
that toy he wanted for Christmas.
Well... [ Tapping on glass ]
What? Is she making a speech?
Hendrik: I think so, yes.
Well, no, it's getting late,
and I better say this now
while I still have the strength.
I'll just sit down.
I think that friendships
are the touchstones of our lives.
They define who we are,
along with, of course, those whom we've loved.
Love and friendship,
and how nice when you can combine them,
right, James?
Well, of course, we have had our little,
what would you say, storms from time to time.
Oh, but what marriage hasn't?
I've always thought the key to our success
has been the space that we give each other.
Actually, the space that I give to James.
Um...
Me, I've always found the space in this apartment
more than adequate,
but, um, James, on the other hand...
James likes his freedom.
And without it, to be honest,
this marriage wouldn't have made it this far.
So, um...
This will be our last anniversary party.
I just have one final request, and that is...
A final toast to us.
Nina, why don't we go upstairs?
No, James, I think you owe me this much.
There's no anger in my heart, not anymore.
After all, you can't blame the scorpion
for stinging you, can you?
To all the women from New York to Amsterdam
who have selflessly lent their bodies
to the maintenance of this marriage.
It didn't mean anything, Nina.
You know that.
Well, maybe they didn't mean anything to you,
but they meant something to me.
[ Dog whines ]
[ Footsteps ]
[ Clothes hangers clatter ]
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry.
That was easy.
Would you stop for a second? Stop.
I'd jump off the balcony,
but you know heights and me.
Get out of my way.
Get out of your way?
I'm not in your way, Nina.
I...I, you know...
On the contrary, I just want to help.
[ Laughs ]
Lets see, what are you going to need, huh?
Food! Food, right?
You can't go on a long trip without anything to eat, huh?
You never know, huh?
A party! What do you think, babe?
Margaritas, huh?
We all know how much Nina loves a party.
That stuff in there.
Check the bathroom, sweetheart?
Let me see. Oh, right!
Don't want you getting a hangover.
No. Here we go.
A little aspirin in there.
Sorry, babe.
I couldn't find your toothbrush, but I did find...
This, look at that, just sitting there on the sink.
Never know, it might come in handy.
You feel better now?
No.
No, that would be too easy.
No.
I'll forget who I am and what I need to do.
[ Paws clicking on floor ]
He stays.
He goes with me.
Stays.
You hate walking him.
Yeah, but I do it, don't I?
[ Whistles ]
Come here, lar. Good boy.
[ Dog whines ]
Where are you going to stay?
With a friend.
Friend? Is that a euphemism?
I have no use for euphemisms, James.
I never had.
I love you,
and it's never been about that.
[ Dog whines ]
Well, it's one big space,
but you have a choice... couch or tub.
I can stay in a hotel.
Oh, it'll be fun,
like campfire girls.
[ Train bell clanging ]
That only happens about 80 times a day.
I hate to put you out.
Are you kidding?
How many first-time authors
get to bunk with their editor?
More than you think.
Besides, it'll give us a chance to work on the book.
Damn.
What?
I left my laptop back at the apartment.
You have to go back sometime.
I'll just go when he's not around.
Ohh!
Hey, there's still a world out there
for a couple of single gals.
Remember casual sex?
Remember romance?
Remember the possibility of being surprised?
- Campfire girl? - Hmm?
You expect me to believe that you were a campfire girl?
What?
A girl can dream.
Shut up.
I'm so depressed.
[ Boat horn ]
Lynn: ♪ some little thing within me ♪
♪ Protects me for a while
♪ till someone comes to win me ♪
♪ With only a smile
♪ falling in love again
♪ never wanted to
♪ what am I to do?
♪ Can't help it
♪ love's always been my game ♪
♪ Play it how I may
♪ I was made that way
♪ can't help it
[ applause ]
Nina: It was amazing.
You were fantastic, thank you.
[ Dance music playing ]
Urinals.
Oh, God!
Come on.
There's a whole 'nother world out there.
Yeah, it's like a whole other galaxy.
Whoa!
We're thinkin' Tequila.
It's just one of those nights.
Lemon and salt?
Straight up.
See you guys later?
I think you fucked my mom?
Laura winter?
Maggie's daughter?
Maggie winter.
Oh.
Cool out. It's water under the bridge.
Wow.
[ Both laugh ]
So what are you doing here in Amsterdam?
Oh, I'm on my summer vacation,
and I thought I'd come and see how the hippies lived.
Well, you picked the right place.
[ Laughs ]
How are your, uh...
Parents? Is that the word you're looking for?
Yeah.
They're divorced.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
No, don't worry. It wasn't you.
Turns out he was screwing the help...
my nanny. Would you believe it?
[ Laughing ]
[ Dance music playing ]
Whoa! Whoa!
If it ain't the lone fuckin' ranger.
You better come up with one hell of a line, son,
'cause these two cowgirls have heard them all.
Actually, I wanted to ask
if we might buy you two ladies a drink.
Hmm...
I don't think that cuts it,
but let me ask my associate.
Sorry, partner,
but you and Tonto have a nice night.
Wooster. I graduate this year.
College?
High school.
I'm fucking with you.
Of course, college.
Do the math.
Makes me legal.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
How about a second chance?
Why not? I'm feeling generous.
Okay, I heard this in a movie once:
"You come here very often?"
Well, I'll give you this. You got a sense of humor.
[ Laughs ]
I'm Lynn, this is Nina.
Well, I hope we're not bothering you.
Mister, you don't know me well enough to bother me.
But the night is young.
That's the kind of talk I like.
You don't say much, do you?
Uh...
- I like your hat. - You think so?
Well, you're the first woman in my life
who loves my hat.
I like the village people.
[ Lynn and Nina laugh ]
You know, men who wear their hats indoors
- are always bald. - Bald.
I love to surprise people.
Kind of made a career of that myself.
Here, take it.
- No. - Keep it!
Yeah, it suits you. Keep it
want to dance?
What the hell.
[ Laughs ]
Well, we better get going.
Past his bedtime.
Yeah, I should try and find my friends.
[ Laughs ]
It was nice running into you.
Actually, I ran into you,
but I'll let it slide.
Okay.
Shall I say hi to my mom for you?
Yeah! Tell her I think she did a fine job.
Are you still married?
Hmm?
Are you still married?
Yeah.
Sort of.
Yeah, I met a guy in prison once.
He, uh, "sort of" killed somebody.
[ Laughs ]
We're separated.
Oh, cool.
This is where I'm staying,
if you want to get together, you know...
"Sort of" call me?
Hmm?
- Okay. - Hmm?
See ya.
She is really something, your friend.
Yeah, she is.
Hey, cowboy, I gotta tell you something.
Joop: So what is the book about?
It's about her life.
She's pretty young for a biography, isn't she?
Uh, not really.
[ In Dutch ] Fuck off to America! - Lynn!
[ In Dutch ] Rotten whore!
Hey, I was being honest with you.
[ In Dutch ] Fuck off to America!
- Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine.
I can deal with this.
No, I don't want to watch you deal with this.
[ In Dutch ] They are queers!
Homos!
Cocksuckers!
Hey!
[ Tapping on glass ]
Lynn: Men... they are always looking for perfection.
Nina: Uch, and what's perfection, right?
I don't know.
I guess I just thought he could handle it.
What is it with guys anyway?
They are so insecure.
Moroccan red?
Oh, let me.
No, no, no, I got it. It's on me.
Oh, my God. I have not done this since college.
One hit.
[ Pipe gurgling ]
Isn't it our past what makes us most interesting?
You are one hell of an editor, you know that?
As only a first-time author could know.
No, I'm serious.
I am, too. [ Laughing ]
What the hell are you doing here anyway?
What? What do you... what, uh, hmm?
I mean...
For me, Amsterdam was a haven.
Mm-hmm.
Let's just say that thomasville, Georgia, isn't exactly
the open-mindedness capital of the South.
Are you okay?
The world just turned sideways.
What?
Why are you here?
Gosh, uh...
I mean, we were in New York, and...
It was near perfect,
and then he got offered a position in pieter's firm, and...
You gave up your dream to follow your man.
[ Laughs ]
I know.
Oi.
Ay yi yi.
I'm living a cliche. Oh, my God, no.
No, it was not that. We needed a fresh start,
and we were... We were going to have babies,
and it was just going to be idyllic,
and it just turned out...
Ugh, I'm sorry.
My problems just seem so ordinary.
Hey, those can be the hardest sometimes.
I have known what I wanted since I was 6.
[ Laughs ]
[ Boat horn ]
Wendell: Yeah, turn the pharaohs on their heads.
Flip Egypt upside down. I like that.
Ah, bloody terrible flight, too.
Got a redback spider in my luggage.
Don't want to get bit by one of those.
They'll kill you straight away.
Well, that's really quite an amazing story.
You heard of the redback, James?
No, no, I don't.
Redback spider... one of 14 deadly species we have in Australia,
home to more deadly species than any other continent.
Did you know that?
Yeah, I think I saw that on discovery.
Not only spiders, snakes as well.
Got one little beauty called the death adder.
Lives under the sand.
Take one step in the wrong place,
dead in two seconds.
Getting back to the structure, um, we thought...
I like it.
I'm looking for something bold, exciting,
capture the imagination.
Yeah, Melbourne, it's boring.
It's like having sex with your wife.
[ Laughs ]
Well, not yours.
"The wife," "our wives."
Pieter: We, um, appreciate
that you like the concept, and...
Wendell: Yeah, the inverted pyramid, I do.
Do you have a cup of sugar?
Sugar?
You know, it's white, powder, kind of sweet?
Yeah, yeah, I'll get you some.
I'm sorry to hear about Nina.
Jesus, the whole building know already?
There you go.
[ Laughs ]
I only need a cup.
Oh, it's all right.
I'm, uh, taking my coffee black these days.
I heard you walk by my door.
Yeah.
So how do you feel about chocolate chip cookies?
How do I feel about chocolate chip cookies?
Uh, I... I think they're great.
Maybe you come by later for a taste.
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
Hello?
Mr. ferguson? This is Victoria.
Hi, Victoria. Thanks for getting back to me.
How can I help you?
Uh, I need to cancel those reservations I made.
Hmm, is everything okay?
Yeah, just that, uh, Mrs. ferguson
isn't gonna be able to make it.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, it's just one of those situations that can't be helped.
You know, Victoria, there's a lot about me
you might find surprising.
I guess that depends on who's doing the surprising.
[ Victoria speaking indistinctly ]
Yes, yes, it is.
Would you like me to change it to another date?
No, I don't think Mrs. ferguson and I
are gonna be going anywhere in the near future.
Oh, seems such a waste to cancel.
Yes, it does, doesn't it?
Well, I'd love to go.
Oh, you want to go with me instead?
Victoria: Actually, I just went last year.
James: Pick somewhere else.
I love Rome.
Thanks, Victoria.
I don't know, just for being a friendly voice.
You know, we ought to get together
and actually meet in person one of these days.
[ Laughs ]
[ Dog barks ]
Oh, Larry!
Oh, boy.
James: Thank you. Bye.
[ Larry barking ]
No, Larry, please stay.
Stay, stay.
[ Barks ]
Hey, what are you yelling about?
Come here.
What's going on, huh?
What's bugging you?
Yeah, I miss her, too.
I know.
She was just a voice on the phone, my God.
Don't you get it?
That's what makes it exciting.
He can project his best fantasy onto a voice
and never be disappointed.
And he can be himself.
God, what happened?
You want to know the biggest trick
feminism ever played on women?
Making them think they were as detached from sex as men.
But you want to attach a face,
a pair of hands, a personality.
To a man, all that specificity just diminishes the experience.
Why do you think you play those silly games with him,
picking each other up at bars?
You're trying to trick yourselves
into seeing the familiar as the new.
I wish I had a window into his head.
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
Hello?
Woman: Met janneke Van De Kamp. Is Laurence thuis?
You got the wrong number.
But...
[ telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
Hello?
Woman: Oh, sorry to bother you again.
Is this 912-6673?
Yeah, you got the right number,
but the only Laurence here is my dog, Larry.
That fucker. - Actually, he's neutered.
Neutral?
No, neutered.
- That, uh... - Oh.
...means when they cut off the...
it's not important.
No. Well, um, this guy I met at the melkweg the other night
gave me this number.
Oh.
You have a nice voice.
No, I didn't...
- no, no, that's okay. - Thank you.
- No. - Very nice of you.
Yes, again, uh, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Bye.
[ Rings ]
Hello, Dutch girl. [ Rings ]
Well, you have a dog named Larry?
[ Laughs ] Yeah, my wife named him.
Oh.
Uh, actually, we're separated.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
She named him after csonka.
What is csonka?
Oh, he's a football player,
a very famous American running back.
You know American football?
Yeah, all right, you use your hands.
No, that's right. You use your hands.
Um...
So, do you have a name?
Mmm, janneke.
Janneke. It's nice to meet you, janneke.
I'm James.
Sorry about Larry, your Larry.
I mean, lau... Laurence.
- Laurence? - No.
Laurence. Uh, well, James,
it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
He never took his hat off the whole evening.
His hat?
Oh, bald guy, huh?
Yeah, like it's such a big thing.
Why do men think that's all we care about,
you know, the physical?
Well, maybe 'cause it's so important to us.
[ Doorbell rings ] - Oh...
You couldn't love a bald woman?
Uh, actually, no.
[ Laughs ]
Well, at last, an honest man.
[ Doorbell rings ] [ Laughs ]
Look, janneke, I got to run.
It was nice talking to you, though, huh?
You, too.
Okay, bye.
Tot ziens.
Where'd you get that big cheeseball?
Go!
[ Doorbell rings ]
[ Groans ]
Yeah!
[ Ringing ]
Hi.
Martha: Hello.
Pieter: Hi. - Hi.
- Hello. - Hi.
Hi. Where's Larry?
In there making my bed.
Yes!
[ In Dutch ] Go play.
We were, uh, just in the neighborhood.
You're a lousy liar, pieter.
He insisted on stopping by to see how you were doing.
Of course, I knew you were just fine.
Of course, I'm fine.
I was just going to have a little bit of cotes du rhone.
You want to join me?
Pieter?
- Huh? No, no. - No?
Yeah, sure.
You look like hell, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
That would be the, uh, glow of freedom.
You, on the other hand, look absolutely stunning.
How about a nice stroll in the vondelpark?
Vondelpark?
Yeah, vondelpark.
Sunlight, tourists, sounds good.
Yeah, okay?
Good. Yeah, fine.
Go get the kids, will you?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's a little stifling in this apartment.
[ Larry barking ]
Yeah, might be the coat, Martha.
[ Children laughing ]
James, come on.
What's that smell?
Uh, cheeseballs.
I just couldn't get away from him today.
Get away?
Yeah, Nina is gone, so I thought, we...
Pieter: Want to go?
Yeah! Let's go.
[ Larry barks ]
Martha, you ready?
Think you can get rid of the bottle?
[ Laughing ]
It's legal to drink in public, pieter.
It's one of the reasons I moved to Amsterdam.
I know, but we might run into a client, come on.
You know, I never quite trust a guy who hasn't spent
at least a night in jail.
How do you know I haven't?
He knows, pieter.
Yeah? Think you know me so well?
Well, that's the problem. I do.
I've had my wild days.
What did you do, pee in public?
Little warm for the leather, isn't it?
Come on, James.
You know quite well it's a symbol of love.
All right.
Martha: Right, pieter?
Why are you defending him?
I'm not defending him. I, you know...
Thought you might be a little warm, that's all.
You have an erratic sense of loyalty.
I'll say.
Why didn't you call me?
Wasn't a good time.
I'm leaving him.
Course, he doesn't know it yet, but that's pieter.
Right there?
It just... it doesn't work for me anymore.
It will be rough on the kids,
but now that you're free, I thought...
No, no, Martha.
I'm... I'm feeling a lot of things right now,
but freedom is very low on the list.
[ Larry barking ]
Nina?
I couldn't bring myself to sit down
in an apartment so filthy.
Yeah, well, opening the windows
isn't gonna make it any cleaner, ma.
"Hello, mother."
"Thanks for stopping by, mother."
"Thanks for caring about me
in my hour of need, mother."
Do you have to be so dramatic all the time?
I thought drama would be in the spirit of things,
considering what happened here the other night.
Yeah, well, maybe, uh...
Maybe I'm tired of considering the other night.
I don't think you've started yet.
Oh!
What are you doing, James?
I don't know, ma. Why don't you tell me, huh?
Do you think you're the only man
to discover his wife doesn't look as good over morning coffee
as she did over champagne and candlelight?
[ Laughs ]
Thank you. I had no idea it was so simple.
You just solved the riddle of male sexuality.
So what is your excuse?
Men are dogs, right?
They just hump the nearest bitch,
and it doesn't mean anything.
Dogs don't make choices!
Okay, I made the wrong choice.
Is that what you want to hear?
I fucked up.
People fuck up.
Don't you want to see the face of the one you love
when you wake up in the morning?
Oh, my God.
Don't blame her for growing up first.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, no.
Who the fuck are you to tell me anything about relationships?
You think I don't remember what it was like, huh?
If you're such a...
Such a fucking expert, mom,
tell me, how come you could never stay married?
I'm better in theory than in practice.
Consider it a family trait.
Oh, God.
Mmm.
[ Bottles break ]
[ Auto-dialing ]
[ Line rings ]
Man: Met wim.
Hi, wim, this is James ferguson.
Hello, James. Uh, nice party.
Yes, it was.
Listen, I was wondering if you've, uh, heard anything from Nina.
I mean, I'm trying to find out where she's staying.
Nina? No.
No?
No, I'm sorry.
Okay.
[ Dialing ]
Hi, Fran, it's James.
Woman: Hello, James. Are you okay?
Yeah.
Listen, I wanted to know
if you'd heard anything from Nina.
No, I haven't seen Nina.
No?
[ Larry panting ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Auto-dialing ]
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
Bingo.
[ Rings ]
Nina: Met janneke Van De Kamp.
Hello, janneke.
Yeah?
Hi, this is James.
We spoke earlier.
James.
Oh, yes, the dog.
Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
I hope I'm not disturbing you or anything.
Not at all.
I was just watching a nature documentary.
Oh, I see.
Well, I was just calling because, uh...
[ Laughs ]
I'm sorry. I really don't know why I'm calling.
I just... I've been looking for my wife and, uh...
And you found me.
Any port in a storm?
No, no, it's not... it's not that.
It's just that I, uh...
Ahem.
Well, I enjoyed our conversation, and I thought...
Cheaper than psychotherapy.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Um...
Have you ever been married?
Uh... Yes.
Once.
What happened?
[ Laughs ]
Uh-uh-uh.
You called me, remember?
I understand if you don't feel like talking about it.
You're just a voice on the phone.
Well, don't you think that makes it a little easier?
So you can imagine me any way you want?
Right now, I think it's better if I imagine you
as a 300-pound paraplegic.
[ Laughs ]
Well, maybe it's best if we keep a few secrets from each other.
I'll tell you what, I'll make you a deal.
What kind of deal?
We'll play a little game.
You can ask me whatever you want about men.
I will answer you as honestly as I possibly can,
but then I get to ask you.
Okay, but I have conditions.
What?
No personal information.
Sounds fair.
And you agree we'll never meet.
Why?
Well, rules are what separate us from the apes.
That way, we know we'll always be honest.
As long as we're just anonymous voices on the phone,
there'll be no reason to lie.
Do you think lying is an inevitable part of any relationship?
I think it becomes more likely,
but we always have choice.
That's funny.
What?
That's exactly what my mother said.
A boy should always listen to his mother.
Yeah, so I've been told.
Do we have a deal?
We have a deal.
You go first.
Okay. Why are women always so late?
Easy one. We're fixing our hair.
Why won't men ask directions?
Too proud.
[ Laughs ] I knew it.
Your turn.
Does money really matter?
Of course.
Will a man say anything to get in a woman's pants?
Absolutely.
Why do women like older men?
Security, power.
Why do men like younger women?
Firm tits. Trust me on that one.
Biggest misconception men have about women.
That we prefer assholes.
Biggest misconception women have about men?
That we prefer bimbos,
unless, of course, they have firm tits.
I think I'm beginning to detect a pattern here.
I was wondering when you'd pick that up.
Oh?
What do they want?
What do men want?
That's not fair.
You can't answer a question with a question.
Why did you let your wife walk out on you?
Who told you I let my wife walk out?
You said you were trying to find her.
I just figured.
I, uh...
I thought we said no personal information.
I made the rules. I can change them.
A woman's prerogative.
[ Thud ]
Look, I have to go.
Tot ziens.
Bye.
[ Dial tone ]
[ Hangs up ]
Tot ziens?
Did you just do what I think you did?
What?
And you used my phone.
Well, I couldn't very well use my own phone number.
What exactly do you hope to find out
that you don't know after nine years of living together?
Well, we haven't talked like that since we first met.
Too bad he wasn't talking to you.
[ Boat horn ]
[ Hurried footsteps ]
An architect with acrophobia.
It's ironic.
Look, uh, pieter, if this is your idea of a...
I know, James.
She thinks she's in love with you.
And, somehow, she's got it in her head
that you're in love with her.
Do you have any idea what gave her that notion?
No.
Let's go back down, pieter, okay?
You're not actually thinking I might jump, are you?
Don't worry.
In the end, no one is really in a hurry to die.
You see, James,
you don't like the heights, but I do.
Up here,
you see the distance between people,
and for a few minutes, we convince ourselves
that we're in love, that we matter,
that we leave something behind...
a building
or a son.
No, James.
If we ever allowed ourselves
to see who we've become,
we couldn't live with ourselves.
I'm sorry.
I believe you are.
James?
Change before the lunch with Wendell.
[ Cell phone beeps ]
[ Line rings ]
[ Cell phone rings ]
[ Rings ]
[ Beep ]
Recording: This mobile phone is currently unavailable.
Please try again.
[ Hangs up ]
[ Somber music ]
♪ Don't you have a word
♪ to show what may be done? ♪
♪ Have you never heard
♪ the way to find the sun?
♪ Tell me all that you know ♪
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. Oh, shit.
[ Barks ]
James.
Hi, James. There you are.
- Pull up a chair. - Wendell, hi.
I was running a little late,
and he hasn't had a walk all day.
I hope you don't mind.
No, no, not at all. I like dogs,
except dingoes.
Those are another kettle of fish entirely.
You know the dingo?
No.
- Australian dog? - No.
Now, there's a bad dog, huh?
Strip the skin off a carcass straight away,
unrecognizable.
Like bloody piranha, they are.
Well, did your man get a chance...
Course, we don't get piranha in Australia.
- Don't get piranha. - Oh.
Could we get something a bit larger?
Beer's not meant to be sipped, you know.
James, Wendell and I were...
No deadly fish at all, really,
except for the great white. Now, there's a fish.
You don't want your feet dangling in the water
when that bugger's around.
You're dead in two seconds.
The shark has a mouth on it the size of a manhole.
Man could fall right in it,
even a man James's size, right down the hole, gobbled...
- James? - I'm sorry.
- James.
We've got animals over there that cover that.
The crocodile, he's in the water.
[ Horn honks ]
Ahh!
[ Larry barking ]
[ Barks ]
[ Barking ]
Stay, Larry!
Nina!
[ Barks ]
Nina!
Come on! Go!
[ Horn honking ]
[ Horn honks, brakes screech ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ Larry whines ]
[ Whines ]
[ Growls ]
Now we have a full-blown squatter situation.
You have to deal with this.
I'm not ready to deal with this!
You're gonna have to talk to him
face to face sooner or later.
Leave me alone!
Fine, I will.
What are you doing?
Trying to bring down property values?
You look like you could use a cup of coffee.
Come on.
Come on, lar.
There you go.
Well.
Hmm?
So you can't keep your mitts off the babes, huh?
Is that what she said?
Certainly seemed to be the case.
What do you think?
I don't know.
I've been working
on the whole man/woman thing for years,
and I've, uh, come to the conclusion that men are dogs.
And the only problem is, I like dogs.
Hmm?
Do you love her?
Of course, I do. That was never the question.
What is?
I don't know.
I suppose if I knew that,
we wouldn't be sitting here right now.
Look, if anyone can identify with confusion, it's me.
My God, I've wasted so much time
trying to be what other people wanted.
But I wasn't,
and I couldn't.
When I finally accepted that,
things just seemed to find their place.
Are you saying I should get a sex change?
She told you.
Well, she didn't have to.
I mean, mannerisms, vocal patterns.
No offense, but I think you'd make a lousy woman.
[ Dialing ]
[ Rings ]
[ Line rings ]
[ Rings ]
[ Cell phone rings, beeps ]
James: I remember the first minute I saw the pyramids,
I knew that's what I wanted to do.
I imagined some, uh, 10-year-old Egyptian boy
5,000 years before me,
standing in the exact same spot,
looking at the exact same structure.
Can you imagine building something that lasts that long?
5,000 years of history, and what do we do?
Turn it on its head.
We do this deal,
then I think it's best that if the partnership is dissolved.
Wendell: Hey, boys!
Hi, Wendell.
Wendell: Pieter.
Hi, how are you?
That's my man, Winston friedmann.
You've heard of friedmann and friedmann.
Hello. Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
He's been going over your specs
like a rat in a chunk of cheddar.
Pieter: Yeah?
Problems. Deal's off.
[ Laughs ] You're kidding me.
Wendell: Bloody thing can't be built.
Pieter: Course, it can be built.
We've run every possible stress analysis.
The structure is sound. Look at it.
Sound, all right, till the wind blows.
This building will stand up to 160-mile-an-hour winds.
Come on!
It'll do that all right, mate.
33-mile-an-hour breeze is your problem.
What?
Harmonics. Winston?
Winston: Tacoma narrows bridge, 1940.
Knocked down by a 42-mile-per-hour wind.
Engineers hadn't taken into account...
Pieter: We've looked at the range of wind velocity
for every possible resonant frequency.
You've looked, but you didn't listen.
Winston: This represents a wind
of 33 Miles per hour on your scale.
On the full-scale version,
this translates into a resonance feedback loop
peaking at about 150 decibels.
Little tornadoes would be generating within minutes.
The windows would just implode,
and you don't want to be inside there when this happens.
[ Sound of glass shattering ]
[ Snaps ] - Dead in two seconds.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Sound of glass shattering ]
[ Laughs ]
Sorry.
[ Laughing ]
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
[ Line rings ]
[ Rings ]
Nina: Met janneke Van De Kamp.
- Hi, I need to talk. - What about?
Uh, well, I think I'm about to do something pretty stupid.
You ever feel like your, uh...
Entire life has been a bad dream
that you just can't wake up from?
I just lost my job.
James.
Uh, James, I'm sorry.
No! No, no, no, no.
It's good, it's good.
I mean...[ Laughs ]
Look, I really need your help, janneke.
Well, I thought we agreed nothing personal.
Forget the rules, okay?
Well, rules are important, James.
Yeah, I know, they're what separate us from the apes.
Janneke, I'm at her house.
- Who? - Nina, my wife,
I'm at her house.
I got to talk to her.
I... I'm wasting time.
I got to tell her I screwed up.
I know that now.
It's like I used to think that we were defined
by who we slept with,
and I know that's not true now.
I know it's who you love,
and she's the only person that I've ever...
janneke, you got to help me.
I mean, what do I say to her?
For Christ sakes, how do you apologize
to someone who's never gonna believe
another word you say for the rest of your life?
I think you should reconsider.
Nina! [ Delayed on phone ] Nina!
[ Horn honks ]
Nina! [ Delayed on phone ] Nina!
James...
[ Trolley bell clanging ]
[ Clanging ]
[ Clanging heard on phone ]
[ Clang ]
[ Clang heard on phone ]
[ Clanging ]
[ Clanging heard on phone ]
What are you doing, James?
[ Hangs up ]
[ Dial tone ]
Man on television: That'd be me.
Host: With over two decades' experience
in couples counseling.
Man: Hard to believe.
Host: Dr. bouvier became well-known
for developing the bouvier system
for relationship enhancement.
Doctor, what can you tell us about your latest...
[ Sighs ]
You think you're going to, you know,
get on with your life at some point?
You know, the thing about games,
unless it's solitaire, you both have to play.
Until you deal with this, you won't be able to move on.
We have too much history.
Then invent a new one.
[ Laughing ]
Hey, how do I look?
[ Laughs ]
Hmm, she's really pretty.
[ Larry barks ]
[ Growls ]
Laura: Oh, poor baby.
Why don't you let him in?
He's okay.
No witness, no crime?
[ Laughing ]
Oh. [ Laughs ]
What?
Nothing.
[ Laura laughing ]
Oh, James.
You think we could do this without the talking?
Yes, I do.
Ooh.
[ Laura laughing ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Unzips trousers ]
[ Laura laughs ]
Mmm!
[ Laughs ]
[ Barks ]
[ Thunder ]
[ Rain falling ]
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Don't tell me you're feeling guilty.
I'm sorry, but I think you should probably go.
Ahem.
Huh! My mom said you were such a stud.
[ Sighs ]
[ Barking ]
[ Rhythmic squeaking ]
Hey! Larry, cut that out.
What are you doing?
Hey!
[ Thunder ]
James? Hi.
I just wanted to see you before I left.
You want to come upstairs?
No, no, I'm in a hurry,
and I wanted to answer that question.
What question?
You know, you asked me why I never stayed married.
Oh, I wanted to... Once.
The one time I was prepared to stick it out,
he wasn't,
and I had someone else to think about, too.
Look...
About the other day...
I'm sorry.
Aw.
I love you.
When's your flight?
I cancelled it.
What?
We're going on a bicycle tour
of world war ii battle sites.
[ Laughs ]
Ma, hendrik?
He was a hero during the war.
You know that?
He saved Jews, lots of them.
[ Laughs ]
Bye.
[ Kiss ]
Okay, I'm ready.
You go first.
Hendrik: I'm first? Okay. - Okay.
Are you ready for the trip?
- Yeah. - Okay, fine.
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
It hasn't stopped ringing.
[ Rings ]
[ Beep ]
Met janneke Van De Kamp.
Hi.
I need to talk to you.
Because you don't really know me?
Because...
Because we've never really met?
No, because the person
that I really want to talk to
won't talk to me.
I, uh...
I brought someone over here tonight.
She was, uh...
Just someone, you know, anyone.
But I couldn't.
Couldn't what?
She was a...
A fantasy, you know...
young, beautiful, willing,
but I couldn't.
I started to hate everything about her.
The way she moved, the way she talked,
the way she touched our things like they...
I don't know, I...
Maybe at first, I, uh...
I thought that somehow
I had forgotten who I married, you know?
But I realize now that's it's so much worse,
because without her,
I can't even begin to imagine who I'm supposed to be.
If only I could tell her that, you know?
If there was just some way I could, uh...
What?
James, what would you tell her?
I would tell her that I love her,
and that I always have...
And that, in the end, we become who we pretend to be,
and I don't want to be that person anymore.
Choices, you know?
We can make choices.
I used to think I wanted some sort of lifestyle...
a good job, fabulous friends, all the creature comforts.
But it's gone, all of it,
and it doesn't matter to me at all,
because I realize now that it doesn't mean anything
without some sort of context.
And that's what she was...
My context.
What if it's too late?
Then it's too late.
Look, I have to go.
[ Beep ]
[ Dial tone ]
[ Beep ]
Good-bye, Nina.
[ Sighs ]
[ Dialing ]
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Rings ]
Hello?
I've changed my mind.
What do you mean?
I think we should meet.
Right now. You pick the place.
Look, there's something I got to tell you.
No, we need to meet.
What about the rules?
The apes?
Fuck the apes.
[ Beeps ]
[ Exhales ]
You wouldn't happen to have an aspirin, would you?
No. [ Laughs ]
No. No more games, okay?
Yeah. It's just that, uh... Ahem.
I could really use an aspirin.
I knew.
Oh, I knew you knew.
Yeah.
You never looked better.
No.
I'm moving back to New York.
[ Sighs ]
Why did you ask me to meet you here?
I didn't want to tell you over the phone.
Tell me what? That you're leaving?
Thank you very, very much.
Have a nice trip, huh?
Tot ziens.
What did you want? Why did you call me?
Why?
I had to know.
Had to know what?
Well, janneke was my way of finding out
why this person that I thought I knew so well
did what he did.
I tried so hard to be who you wanted me to be.
Somehow, along the way, I just, um...
I forgot who I was.
I can live without you, James.
I cannot live without myself.
I'm sorry.
I know.
I'm gonna miss Amsterdam.
I wish I could say the same.
Hey.
It's not as if anything's keeping you here.
[ Nick Drake's river man playing ]
♪