"America has heard the bugle call
"And you know it involves us one and all
"I don't suppose that war will ever end
"There's fighting that will break us up again
"Good-bye, my darling Hello, Vietnam
"I'm here to take a battle to be won
"Kiss me good-bye And write me while I'm gone
"Good-bye, my sweetheart Hello, Vietnam"
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor.
You will speak only when spoken to.
The first and last words out of your sewers will be "Sir!"
Do you maggots understand?
Sir, yes, sir!
I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair.
If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training...
...you will be a weapon, a minister of death, praying for war.
But until that day, you are pukes!
The lowest form of life on Earth.
You are not even human fucking beings!
You are only unorganized, grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit!
Because I am hard, you won't like me.
The more you hate me, the more you'll learn.
I am hard, but I am fair!
There is no racial bigotry here!
I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers.
Here, you are all equally worthless!
My orders are to weed out non-hackers...
...who do not pack the gear to be in my beloved Corps!
Do you maggots understand that?
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
- What's your name, scumbag? - Sir, Private Brown, sir!
From now on you're Private Snowball! Like that name?
Sir, yes, sir!
There's one thing you won't like!
They don't serve fried chicken and watermelon...
...in my mess hall!
Is that you, John Wayne?
Is this me?
Who said that?
Who the fuck said that?
Who's the slimy communist cocksucker down here...
...who just signed his own death warrant?
Nobody, huh?
The fairy fucking godmother said it!
Out-fucking-standing! I will P.T. you all until you die!
I will P.T. you until your assholes suck buttermilk!
Was it you, you little fuck?
You look like a fucking worm! I bet it was you!
Sir, I said it, sir!
Well, no shit.
What are you, a fucking comedian? Private Joker.
I admire your honesty.
I like you. Come over to my house and fuck my sister!
You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass!
You will not laugh or cry!
You will learn by the number!
Get up! Get on your feet!
Unfuck yourself or I'll unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
- Why did you join my beloved Corps? - Sir, to kill, sir!
You're a killer!
Let me see your war face!
You've got a war face?
That's a war face! Let me see yours!
You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!
You don't scare me! Work on it!
What's your excuse?
Sir, excuse, sir?
I'm asking the fucking questions, understand?
Thank you! Can I be in charge for a while?
Are you shook up? Nervous?
Sir, I am, sir!
Do I make you nervous?
Were you about to call me an asshole?
- How tall are you, Private? - Sir, 5'9", sir!
I didn't know they stacked shit that high!
Trying to squeeze an inch in on me, huh?
The best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass...
...and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!
Where in hell are you from?
Holy dogshit! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
You don't look like a steer, so that narrows it down!
Suck dicks?
You a peter-puffer?
I bet you would fuck a person in the ass...
...and not have the courtesy to give him a reach-around!
I'll be watching you!
Your parents have children that lived?
Bet they regret that!
You're so ugly you're a modern-art masterpiece!
- What's your name, fatbody? - Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
That name sounds like royalty! You royalty?
You suck dicks?
Bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
I don't like that name! Faggots and sailors are called Lawrence!
From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
Think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Think I'm funny?
Then wipe off that disgusting grin!
Any fucking time, sweetheart!
I'm trying, sir!
I'll give you three seconds...
...exactly three fucking seconds...
...to wipe off that stupid grin...
...or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!
- Sir, I can't help it, sir! - Get on your knees, scumbag!
Now choke yourself!
Goddamn it, with my hand, numb-nuts!
Don't pull my hand over there!
I said choke yourself! Lean forward and choke yourself!
Are you through grinning?
Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you got a pair!
That's enough. Get on your feet!
Pyle, square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links...
...or I will definitely fuck you up!
Parris Island, South Carolina...
...the United States Marine Corps Recruit Depot.
An eight-week college for the phony-tough and the crazy-brave.
"Mama and Papa were laying in bed!
"Mama rolled over and this is what she said:
"Oh, give me some...
"...P.T.!"
"Good for you and good for me!
"Mmm, good!
"Up in the morning to the rising sun!
"Gotta run all day...
"...till the running's done!
"Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch!
"Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year itch!"
Left shoulder, hut!
What are you trying to do to my beloved Corps?
Sir, I don't know, sir!
Do you expect me to believe that you don't know left from right?
You did that on purpose! You want to be different!
- What side was that? - Sir, left side, sir!
Are you sure, Private Pyle?
What side was that?
Sir, right side, sir!
Don't fuck with me again, Pyle!
Pick up your fucking cover!
Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles!
You will give your rifle a girl's name!
Because this is the only pussy you people are going to get!
Your days of finger-banging old Mary Jane Rottencrotch...
...through her pretty pink panties are over!
You're married to this piece...
...this weapon of iron and wood!
And you will be faithful!
Prepare to mount!
Pray!
"This is my rifle.
"There are many like it, but this one is mine.
"My rifle is my best friend.
"It is my life.
"I must master it, as I must master my life.
"Without me, my rifle is useless.
"Without my rifle, I am useless.
"I must fire my rifle true.
"I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me.
"I must shoot him before he shoots me.
"I will.
"Before God I swear this creed.
"My rifle and myself are defenders of my country.
"We are the masters of our enemy.
"We are the saviors of my life.
"So be it...
"...until there is no enemy, but peace.
"Amen."
At ease!
Good night, ladies!
Hit it!
This is not your daddy's shotgun, Cowboy!
Move the rifle around your head, not your head around the rifle!
Four inches from your chest, Pyle!
Four inches!
"This is my rifle! This is my gun!
"This is for fighting! This is for fun!
"This is my rifle! This is my gun!
"This is for fighting! This is for fun!"
You're bouncing!
Ten fucking seconds!
It should take you ten seconds to negotiate this obstacle!
Quickly, move it out!
No swinging-dick private in this platoon's gonna graduate...
...until they get this obstacle down to less than ten fucking seconds!
Next two! Quickly!
Get over that goddamn obstacle! Move it!
Private Joker, are you a killer?
Let me hear your war cry!
Get your fat ass over there!
That's right, Private Pyle...
...don't make any fucking effort to get up to the top!
If God wanted you up there, He'd have miracled your ass up there!
Get your fat ass up there!
What the hell's wrong with you?
If there was some pussy up there, you could get up there, couldn't you?
Your ass looks like about 150 pounds of chewed bubble gum, Pyle.
One for the commandant!
One for the Corps!
Get up there!
Pull!
The Corps don't get theirs! Get up there, Pyle!
Pull!
Pull, Pyle, pull!
One pull-up, Pyle! Come on, pull!
You've got to be shitting me! Get your ass up there!
Do you mean to tell me you cannot do one single pull-up?
You are a worthless piece of shit, Pyle! Get out of my face!
Get up there, Snowball.
Get up here, fatboy!
Quickly! Move it up, Pyle! Move it up!
You climb obstacles like old people fuck. Do you know that, Private Pyle?
Get up here! You're too slow! Move it!
Private Pyle, whatever you do, don't fall down!
That would break my fucking heart!
Quickly! Up and over! Up and over!
What in the fuck are you waiting for, Private Pyle?
Get up and over!
Move it, move it!
Are you quitting on me?
Well, are you?
Then quit, you slimy, fucking, walrus-looking piece of shit!
Get the fuck off of my obstacle!
Now! Move it!
I'm going to rip your balls off so you can't contaminate the rest of the world!
I will motivate you, Private Pyle...
...if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!
Pick 'em up and set 'em down, Pyle!
Quickly! Move it up!
Were you born a fat, slimy scumbag, you piece of shit, Private Pyle?
Or did you have to work on it?
Move it up!
Quickly! Hustle up!
The fucking war will be over by the time we get out there, Private Pyle!
Are you going to fucking die? Are you going to die on me?
Do it now!
Move it up!
Hustle it up! Quickly!
Feel dizzy?
Faint?
Jesus H. Christ, I think you've got a hard-on!
Quickly, ladies! Assholes and elbows! Move it out!
Get up!
Reveille! Reveille!
Drop your cocks and grab your socks!
Today is Sunday! Divine worship is 0800.
Get your bunks made and your uniforms on.
Police call in two minutes.
Private Cowboy, Private Joker.
Finish your bunks, then you two turds clean the head.
I want that head so sanitary...
...that the Virgin Mary could go in there and take a dump!
Do you believe in the Virgin Mary?
Sir, no, sir!
Private Joker, I don't believe I heard you correctly!
Sir, the private said "No, sir," sir!
You little maggot! You make me want to vomit!
You communist heathen, sound off that you love the Virgin Mary...
...or I'll stomp your guts out!
You love the Virgin Mary, don't you?
Negative, sir!
Are you trying to offend me?
Sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong!
And that you will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir!
Who's your squad leader?
The private's squad leader is Private Snowball, sir!
Private Snowball reporting, sir!
You're fired! Private Joker is promoted to squad leader!
Disappear, scumbag!
Reporting as ordered, sir!
From now on Private Joker is your new squad leader and you bunk with him.
He'll teach you!
He'll teach you how to pee!
Private Joker is ignorant but he's got guts, and guts is enough.
Now you ladies carry on.
The bolt. The bolt goes in the receiver.
Operating rod handle.
Operating rod guide.
And the left one over the right.
Right one over the left.
Left one over the right.
Right one over the left.
Just throw your other leg over.
Pull the next one over and you're home free.
Just throw it over.
That'a boy. Just set it down.
Congratulations, Leonard.
You did it.
Fold the blanket and sheet back together.
Make a four-inch fold.
Got it?
You do it.
Right shoulder, hut!
Port, hut!
Order, hut!
Square these weapons away.
The deadliest weapon in the world...
...is a Marine, and his rifle.
It is your killer instinct that must be harnessed...
...if you expect to survive in combat.
Your rifle...
...is only a tool.
It is a hard heart that kills.
If your killer instincts are not clean and strong...
...you will hesitate at the moment of truth.
You will not kill.
You will become dead Marines.
And then you will be in a world of shit.
Because Marines are not allowed...
...to die without permission!
Do you maggots understand?
"I love working for Uncle Sam!
"Lets me know just who I am!
"One, two, three, four! United States Marine Corps!
"One, two, three, four! I love the Marine Corps!
"My Corps! Your Corps!
"Our Corps! Marine Corps!
"I don't know, but I've been told...
"...Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!
"Mmm, good! Feels good!
"Is good! Real good!
"Tastes good! Mighty good!
"Good for you! Good for me!"
Trim 'em!
Toe-jam!
Pop that blister!
Jesus H. Christ!
- Why is your footlocker unlocked? - Sir, I don't know, sir!
If there is one thing in this world I hate...
...it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, right?
Without dickheads like you, there'd be no thievery in the world!
Get down!
Now let's just see if there's anything missing!
Holy Jesus!
What is that?
What the fuck is that?
What is that, Private Pyle?
Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
- Where did you get it? - From the mess hall, sir!
Is chow allowed in the barracks, Pyle?
Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private?
- Why not, Private? - Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
Because you are a disgusting fatbody, Private Pyle!
Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your footlocker?
Because I was hungry, sir!
Because you were hungry?
Private Pyle...
...has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon!
I have tried to help him, but I have failed!
I have failed because you have not helped me!
You people...
...have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation!
From now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up...
...I will not punish him.
I will punish all of you!
And the way I see it, ladies...
...you owe me for one jelly doughnut!
Get on your faces!
Open your mouth!
They're paying for it, you eat it!
Ready, exercise!
"One, two, three, four!
"I love the Marine Corps!"
You really look like shit today.
Everybody hates me now.
Even you.
Nobody hates you, Leonard.
You just keep making mistakes, getting everybody in trouble.
I can't do anything right.
I need help.
I'm trying to help you.
I'm really trying.
Tuck your shirt in.
Do it.
Remember, it's just a bad dream, fatboy.
Do we love our beloved Corps, ladies?
Semper fi, do or die!
Gung ho, gung ho!
What makes the grass grow?
Blood, blood, blood.
What do we do for a living, ladies?
Kill, kill, kill!
I can't hear you!
Kill, kill, kill!
Bullshit! I still can't hear you!
Kill, kill, kill!
Do any of you know who Charles Whitman was?
None of you dumbasses knows?
Sir, he shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!
Charles Whitman killed 12 people...
...from a 28-story observation tower at the University of Texas...
...from distances of up to 400 yards.
Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was?
Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!
And do you know how far away he was?
Sir, it was far! From that book suppository building, sir!
Knock it off!
250 feet!
He was 250 feet away and shooting at a moving target.
He got off three rounds...
...with an Italian bolt-action rifle in six seconds...
...and scored two hits, including a head shot!
Do any of you know where...
...these individuals learned to shoot?
Sir, in the Marines, sir!
In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals...
...showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do!
Before you ladies leave my island...
...you will all be able to do the same thing!
"Happy birthday to you
"Happy birthday, dear Jesus"
Today...
...is Christmas!
There will be a magic show at 0930!
Chaplain Charlie will tell you...
...about how the free world will conquer Communism...
...with the aid of God and a few Marines!
God has a hard-on for Marines...
...because we kill everything we see!
He plays His games...
...we play ours!
To show our appreciation for so much power...
...we keep heaven packed...
...with fresh souls!
God was here before the Marine Corps!
So you can give your heart to Jesus...
...but your ass belongs to the Corps!
Do you ladies understand?
I can't hear you!
It's been swabbed and brushed.
Everything...
...is clean.
Beautiful.
So that it slides perfectly.
Nice.
Everything cleaned...
...oiled.
So that your action is beautiful.
Smooth, Charlene.
Leonard talks to his rifle.
I don't think Leonard can hack it anymore.
I think Leonard's a Section 8.
It don't surprise me.
I want to slip my tubesteak into your sister.
What will you take in trade?
What do you got?
Outstanding!
We've finally found something you do well!
What is your 6th general order?
Sir, to receive, obey and pass on to the sentry who relieves me...
...all orders...
Sir, the 6th general...
The private does not know, sir!
You slimy scumbag, get down and give me 25!
How many counts in that movement?
Sir, four, sir!
Why look down in the chamber?
Sir, to be sure the inspecting officer is not given a loaded weapon, sir!
What's your 5th general order?
Sir, to quit my post only when properly relieved, sir!
What's this weapon's name?
Sir, the private's weapon's name is Charlene, sir!
Private, you are definitely born again hard.
I may even let you serve as a rifleman in my beloved Corps.
"I don't want no teenage queen!
"I just want my M-14!
"If I die in the combat zone
"Box me up and ship me home!
"Pin my medals upon my chest!
"Tell my mom I've done my best!"
Graduation is only a few days away...
...and the recruits of Platoon 3092 are salty.
They are ready to eat their own guts and ask for seconds.
The instructors are proud to see us growing beyond their control.
The Marine Corps does not want robots.
The Marine Corps wants killers.
The Marine Corps wants to build indestructible men.
Men without fear.
Today...
...you people are no longer maggots.
Today, you are Marines.
You are part of a brotherhood.
From now on, until the day you die...
...wherever you are...
...every Marine is your brother.
Most of you will go to Vietnam.
Some of you will not come back.
But always remember this:
Marines die.
That's what we're here for!
But the Marine Corps lives forever.
And that means you live forever!
0300, Infantry.
1800, Engineers. You go out and find mines.
Cowboy!
0300, Infantry.
Joker!
4212...
...Basic Military Journalism.
You must be shitting me!
You think you're Mickey Spillane?
You think you're some kind of fucking writer?
Sir, I wrote for my high-school newspaper, sir!
Christ, you're not a writer, you're a killer!
A killer, yes, sir!
Gomer Pyle!
You forget your fucking name? 0300, Infantry. You made it.
Our last night on the island.
I draw fire watch.
Hi, Joker.
Are those...
...live rounds?
7.62 millimeter.
Full metal jacket.
Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us...
...we'll both be in a world of shit.
I am...
...in a world...
...of shit!
Left shoulder, hut!
Right shoulder, hut!
Lock and load.
Order, hut!
"This is my rifle!
"There are many like it, but this one is mine."
Get back in your bunks!
What is this Mickey Mouse shit?
What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you animals doing in my head?
Why is Pyle out of his bunk after lights out?
Why is Pyle holding that weapon?
Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?
Sir, it is the private's duty to inform you...
...that Private Pyle has a full magazine and has locked and loaded, sir!
Now listen to me, Private Pyle...
...and listen good.
I want that weapon...
...and I want it now!
Place that rifle on the deck at your feet...
...and step back away from it.
What is your major malfunction, numb-nuts?
Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?
Easy, Leonard.
Go easy, man.
Hey, baby.
You got girlfriend Vietnam?
Not just this minute.
Well, baby, me so horny.
Me so horny.
Me love you long time.
You party?
Yeah, we might party.
- How much? - $15.
$15 for both of us?
No. Each you $15.
Me love you long time.
Me so horny.
$15 too beaucoup.
$5 each.
Me suckee-suckee.
Me love you too much.
$5 is all my mom allows me to spend.
Okay! $10 each.
What do we get for $10?
Everything you want.
Everything?
Buddy, you feel like spending some of your hard-earned money?
Half of these gook whores are officers in the Viet Cong.
The other half have TB.
Be sure you only fuck the ones who cough.
That sucker really had some moves on him.
You know what pisses me off about these people?
We're helping them and they shit all over us.
I just can't feature that.
Don't take it too hard. It's just business.
I hate Da Nang. I want to go out into the field.
I'm here three months and all I do is take handshake shots at award ceremonies.
You'd get wasted the first day and it would be my fault.
A high-school girl could do my job.
I want to get into the shit.
I want some trigger time.
If you get killed, your mom will find me and beat the shit out of me.
That's a negative.
Let's keep it short and sweet. Anybody got anything new?
Rumor has it that the Tet ceasefire will be cancelled.
Rear echelon paranoia.
Intelligence says Charlie might try something big during Tet.
They say the same thing every year.
There's a lot of talk about it.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
The Tet holiday is like July Fourth, Christmas and New Year in one.
Every zipperhead in the North and South, will bang gongs...
...and bark at the moon.
Ann-Margret and entourage are due next week.
I want someone to stick with her for a few days.
Rafterman, you take it.
Get some good low-angle stuff.
Don't be obvious, but I want to see fur and early morning dew.
"Diplomats in Dungarees. Marine engineers rebuild Dong Phuc villages..."
Chili, if we move Vietnamese, they are evacuees.
If they come to us to be evacuated, they are refugees.
I'll make a note of it, sir.
"N.V.A. Soldier Deserts After Reading Pamphlets."
"An N.V.A. regular, who realized his side would lose...
"...deserted after reading Open Arms pamphlets."
That's good, Dave. But why say, "N.V.A. regular"?
Is there an irregular?
How about N.V.A. soldier?
I'll fix it.
"The Lawrence Welk Show" will be on TV in two weeks. Dave, do 100 words on it.
"Not While We're Eating."
"N.V.A. learned not to interrupt meals of Marines on a search-and-destroy mission."
We have a new directive from M.A.F. on search and destroy.
Substitute "sweep and clear" in place of "search and destroy."
Got it?
Got it. Very catchy.
And, Joker, where's the weenie?
The kill. The grunts must have hit something.
Didn't see them.
I've told you, we run two basic stories here.
Grunts who buy toothbrushes and deodorant for gooks:
"Winning of Hearts And Minds."
And combat action resulting in a kill: "Winning the War."
You must have seen blood trails, drag marks?
It was raining, sir.
That's why God passed the law of probability.
Rewrite it with a happy ending, say, one kill.
A sapper or an officer. Which?
Whichever you say.
Grunts like reading about dead officers.
Okay, an officer. How about a general?
You'd like our guys to read the paper and feel bad?
In case you didn't know, this is not a popular war.
Our job is to report the news that the...
..."why-are-we-here" civilian newsmen ignore.
Maybe you should go out on some ops yourself.
You could find more blood trails and drag marks.
I've had my ass in the grass. Can't say I liked it much.
Lots of bugs and too dangerous.
My present duties keep me where I belong:
In the rear with the gear.
Tet. The Year of the Monkey.
Vietnamese Lunar New Year's Eve.
Down in Dogpatch, the gooks are shooting off fireworks to celebrate.
I am fucking bored to death, man.
I have to get back in the shit.
I ain't heard a shot fired in anger in weeks.
Joker's so tough, he'd eat the boogers out of a dead man's nose...
...then ask for seconds.
Listen up, pilgrim.
A day without blood is like a day without sunshine!
Joker thinks the bad bush is between old mama-san's legs.
He's never been in the shit.
Hard to talk about. Like on Hastings.
You weren't on Operation Hastings. You weren't even in country.
Eat shit and die, you fucking Spanish-American poge!
I was there! I was in the shit with the grunts.
Don't listen to Payback's bullshit, Rafterman.
Sometimes he thinks he's John Wayne.
You listen to Joker.
He knows ti ti.
Very little.
He's never been in the shit 'cause he ain't got the stare.
The 1,000-yard stare.
A Marine gets it after he's been in the shit too long.
It's like, it's like you've really seen beyond.
I got it.
All field Marines got it. And you'll have it, too.
I will?
How do you stop five blacks from raping a white chick?
Fuck you.
Throw them a basketball.
Incoming.
They're outgoing!
- That ain't outgoing! - That ain't outgoing!
Now what'd I just say?
I hope they're just fucking with us.
I ain't ready for this shit.
Cease fire!
The enemy...
...has very deceitfully...
...taken advantage of the ceasefire...
...to launch an offensive all over the country.
So far, we've had it pretty easy here.
But we seem to be the exception.
Charlie has hit every military target in Vietnam and hit them hard.
In Saigon...
...the United States Embassy has been overrun by suicide squads.
Khe Sanh is standing by to be overrun.
We have reports that a division of N.V.A...
...has occupied all of the city of Hue south of the Perfume River.
In strategic terms, Charlie's cut the country in half...
...the civilian press are wetting their pants...
...and even Cronkite is going to say the war is now unwinnable.
In other words...
...it's a huge shit sandwich and we all have to take a bite.
Does this mean Ann-Margret's not coming?
You go straight up to Phu Bai.
Captain January will need you.
And you take off that damn button.
You can't get killed wearing a peace symbol.
Permission to go with Joker.
Granted.
Sir, permission not to take Rafterman.
You still here?
Vanish ricky-tick and take Rafterman with you.
You're responsible for him.
Get some! Get some!
Get some, baby!
I've got you, mother!
Anyone who runs is a VC.
Anyone who stands still...
...is a well-disciplined VC.
You guys ought to do a story about me.
Why should we do a story about you?
'Cause I'm so fucking good!
That ain't no shit neither.
I've done got me 157 dead gooks killed.
And 50 water buffaloes, too.
Them are all certified.
Any women or children?
Sometimes.
How can you kill women and children?
Easy.
You just don't lead them so much.
Ain't war hell?
We want to get in the shit.
Down the road. Two-five.
Outstanding! Thanks.
We're looking for First Platoon, Hotel two-five.
I got a bro named Cowboy.
You people one-one?
No, sir. We're reporters for "Stars and Stripes."
I'm Cowboy's platoon commander.
He's just down the road in the platoon area.
May we tag along, sir?
No problem. Welcome aboard.
I'm Schinoski. Walter J. Schinoski.
They call me Mr.Touchdown.
I played ball for Notre Dame.
You here to make Cowboy famous?
Never happen, sir.
If you came looking for a story, this is your lucky day.
We got Condition Red and we expect rain.
Outstanding. We taking care of business?
The N.V.A. are dug in deep.
Hotel Company is working this side of the river, house by house.
Charles has his shit together, but we're still getting some decent kills.
We heard the N.V.A. executed a lot of gook civilians.
Affirmative.
I saw bodies half a klick this side of the canal.
Can you show me where?
The dead have been covered with lime.
The dead know only one thing:
It is better to be alive.
I make it 20. Is that the official body count, sir?
What outfit are you with?
We're from "Stars and Stripes."
I'm Sergeant Joker and this photographer is Rafterman.
I'm Lt.Cleves. Hartford, Connecticut.
Have you got a body count, sir?
Twenty.
How did it happen, sir?
The N.V.A. came in with a list of gook names:
Government officials, policemen, ARVN officers, teachers.
They asked them, real polite, to report the next day for political re-education.
Everybody who turned up got shot.
Some they buried alive.
What is that button on your body armor?
A peace symbol, sir.
- Where did you get it? - I don't remember, sir.
What is written on your helmet?
"Born to Kill," sir.
You put "Born to Kill" on your helmet and wear a peace button.
Is that some kind of sick joke?
Well, what does it mean?
- I don't know, sir. - You don't know very much.
Get your head and your ass wired together or I will shit on you!
Answer my question or you'll stand tall before the Man.
I was referring to the duality of man, sir.
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
- Whose side are you on? - Our side, sir.
- Don't you love your country? - Yes, sir.
Then get with the program. Jump on the team and come in for the big win.
I ask that my Marines obey my orders as they would the word of God.
We are helping the Vietnamese, because inside every gook...
...is an American trying to get out.
It's a hardball world, son.
We must keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
We're looking for First Platoon, Hotel two-five.
Around the back.
- First Platoon? - Through there.
Hey, Lone Ranger.
Holy shit!
I hoped I'd never see you again, you piece of shit!
What's happening?
Just waiting to get back to the land of the big PX.
Why go back?
Here or there, samey-same.
- Been getting any? - Only your sister.
Better my sister than my mom, though my mom's not bad.
Hey, you hogs, listen up!
This is my bro, Joker, from the island. And this is...
They're from "Stars and Stripes." You'll be famous.
We're the Lusthog squad. We're lifetakers and heartbreakers.
We shoot holes in them and fill them with lead.
Are you a photographer?
I'm a combat correspondent.
You seen much combat?
I've seen a little on TV.
You're a real comedian.
Well, they call me the Joker.
Well, I've got a joke for you.
I'm going to tear you a new asshole.
Well, pilgrim...
...only after you eat the peanuts out of my shit!
You talk the talk.
Do you walk the walk?
You might not believe it...
...but under fire, Animal Mother is a truly fine human being.
He just needs grenades thrown at him the rest of his life.
Jungle bunny. Thank God for the sickle cell, huh?
Yeah, Mother.
Hey, photographer!
Want to take a good picture?
Take this.
This...is my bro.
This is his party.
He's the guest of honor.
Today is his birthday.
Happy birthday, zipperhead!
I will never forget this day.
The day I came to Hue city and fought one million N.V.A. gooks.
I really love the little Commie bastards.
These enemy grunts are as hard as slant-eyed drill instructors.
These are great days we're living!
We are jolly green giants, walking the earth with guns.
These people we wasted here today...
...are the finest people we will ever know.
Once we rotate back to the world, we'll miss not having anyone worth shooting.
Delta 6 Actual, this is Murphy. Over.
We are receiving incoming fire from the ville.
The lieutenant is down.
We'll stop and check out what's in front of us.
Okay, Lusthog squad, listen up!
We'll move up these two roads.
I want the third team up this road.
First and second team behind me up this other road.
Let's go! Let's get it done!
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Start the cameras. This is "Vietnam: The Movie"!
If Joker is John Wayne, I'm a horse!
- T.H.E. Rock can be a rock! - I'll be Ann-Margret!
Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo!
- I'll be General Custer! - Who'll be the Indian?
We'll let the gooks play the Indians!
You're going home now.
Semper fi.
We're mean Marines, sir.
Go easy, bros.
Better you than me.
At least they died for a good cause.
What cause was that?
Freedom.
Flush out your head gear, New Guy.
You think we waste gooks for freedom?
This is a slaughter.
If I get my balls blown off for a word...
...my word is "poontang."
Tough break for Hand Job.
He was set to get shipped out on a medical.
What was wrong with him?
He was jerking off ten times a day.
It's no shit. At least ten times a day.
Last week he was sent to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker.
The crazy fucker jerks off in the waiting room.
Instant Section 8.
He was waiting for his papers to clear division.
Ready?
Turnover.
Hue city interviews. Roll 34.
This is a major city, so we have to assault with...
...tanks in the streets.
They send us in first squad...
...to make sure there are no little, uh...
...Vietnamese waiting with B-40 rockets to blow the tanks away.
So we roll the tanks in and basically, blow the place to hell.
When we're in Hue, in Hue city...
...it's like a war, you know.
Like what I thought about, what I thought a war was supposed to be.
There's the enemy, kill them.
There's no question about it. We're the best.
It's bullshit about Air Cav. When the shit hits the fan, who do they call?
They call Mother Green and her killing machine!
Do I think America belongs in Vietnam?
I don't know. I belong in Vietnam, I'll tell you that.
Can I quote L.B.J.?
"I will not send...
"...American boys 10,000 miles around the world...
"...to do a job Asian boys should be doing for themselves."
Personally, I think...
...they don't want to be involved in this war.
I think they sort of...
...took away our freedom and gave it to the gooks. They don't want it.
They'd rather be alive than free.
Poor dumb bastards.
The ones I'm fighting at are some pretty...
...pretty bad boys. I'm not real, uh...
I'm not real keen on...
...these fellows that are supposedly on our side.
I keep meeting them coming the other way.
We get killed for these people and they don't even appreciate it.
They think it's a big joke.
If you ask me...
...we're shooting the wrong gooks.
It depends. I'm here to take combat photos.
But if the shit gets too thick, I'll go to the rifle.
What do I think of America's involvement in the war?
I think we should win.
I hate Vietnam.
There's not one horse in the whole country.
There's something wrong with that.
If they'd send us more guys maybe...
...and bomb the hell out of the North, they might give up.
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam...
...the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I wanted to meet...
...interesting people of an ancient culture and kill them.
I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill.
'Morning, little schoolgirl.
I'm a little schoolboy, too.
- What you got there? - Do you want No.1 fuckee?
Any of you boys want No.1 fuckee?
I'm so horny I can't even get a piece of hand!
Me want suckee.
Suckee, fuckee, she give you everything you want. Long time.
Everything you want! All right!
How much, chief?
$15 each.
$15 beaucoup money.
$5 each.
Come on, she love you good.
Boom-boom long time. $10.
$5.
No, $10.
Trade you some ARVN rifles.
Never been fired and only dropped once.
Okay, $5. You give me.
Let's get mounted.
Something wrong, chief?
She says no boom-boom with you.
What the motherfuck?
She says soul brother too beaucoup.
He's saying you black boys pack too much meat!
She looks like she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
She say too beaucoup. Too beaucoup.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What we have here is a magnificent...
...specimen of pure Alabama blacksnake.
But it ain't too goddamn beaucoup.
Okay. Okay.
- We need a batting order. - I'm going first.
Back off, white bread. Don't get between a dog and his meat.
All fucking niggers must fucking hang.
Hey, I won't be long. I'll skip the foreplay.
- I don't want it after you, man! - Fuck you!
Intelligence passed the word down...
...that during the night the N.V.A. pulled out of our area...
...to positions across the Perfume River.
Our squad is sent on patrol to check out the report.
Face outboard and take cover! Do it!
He ain't going to make it.
Hotel One Actual, this is Cowboy.
Murph, this is Cowboy.
Crazy's hit. Booby trap.
Wait one.
You're senior NCO. Take charge and continue with the patrol.
Call in at the next checkpoint. Over.
Roger. Understand.
I'm squad leader.
I'll follow you anywhere, scumbag.
He's dead.
What's up?
We made a mistake at the last checkpoint.
See what you think.
I think we're here...
...and we should be here.
We're here?
We should be here?
What do you think?
I think we should change direction.
We'll change direction.
What's up?
Change in direction.
Are we lost?
Joker, shut the fuck up!
Okay, listen up!
Can you hear me?
We're changing direction.
We're heading over that way.
Eightball's going to find a way through.
Got it?
Eightball, let's dance.
Put a nigger behind the trigger.
Cease fire!
Cease fire, goddamn it!
Cool it, goddamn it! Cease fire!
Listen up! Did anybody see a sniper? Did anybody see anything?
Negative!
Save your ammo! Nobody fire till I tell you!
No! Cease fire! Cease fire!
Animal, cease fire!
It's Sergeant Murphy.
Cowboy. Over.
Murphy. What is your present position? Over.
Receiving enemy sniper fire.
Eightball is down.
We're half a klick north of checkpoint No.4.
Possible strong enemy forces in front of us.
Request immediate tank support. Over.
Roger. Understand.
I'll see what I can do. Over.
Stay close.
Listen up! I think we're being set up for an ambush.
There may be strong enemy forces in those buildings.
I've requested tank support.
We'll sit tight...
...but keep our eyes open. If they hit us...
...we'll have to pull back fast.
Goddamn it! Cease your fire, Mother!
Cease your fucking fire!
We can't leave him!
We'll get him when the tank comes up.
He's hit three times! He can't wait!
That sniper's just trying to suck us in one at a time.
Goddamn it! No!
Goddamn it, cease fire!
Fuck this shit! I'm going in to bring him out!
Sit the fuck down, goddamn it!
Okay, cease fire! He's there!
Hold your fire!
You can't see the sniper!
Save the ammo! Nobody fire till I tell you! Nobody!
Hold your fire!
What the fuck do we do now?
Give me that fucking radio.
Murph? This is Cowboy. Over.
We're in deep shit. Two men down. What's the story on the tank? Over.
Sorry, Cowboy.
No luck so far with the tank.
Will advise. Over.
Numb-nut bastards.
Okay, listen up!
Can't wait for the tank.
They're going to hit us any minute.
When they do, we won't have time.
We have to pull out now. Get ready.
Wait! Hold it!
Nobody's pulling out!
There's only one fucking sniper!
Back off!
I'm calling the plays and I say we pull out!
What about Doc Jay and Eightball?
It's shitty, but we can't refuse to accept the situation.
We're not leaving them out there!
They're wasted!
You know that!
Come on, we gotta bring them back.
Let's do it!
Stand down! That's a direct order.
Fuck you, Cowboy! Fuck all you assholes!
Goddamn it!
Fucking son of a bitch!
You motherfucker!
Where's the sniper?
Doc, where's the sniper?
Shit!
Shit! Fuck!
Doc Jay and Eightball are wasted!
There's only one sniper!
Move up the squad! You're clear up to here!
Son of a bitch.
No-Doze, Stutten, Donlon, Rock, come with me. We'll take a look.
You stay put and cover our ass!
We may come back in a big hurry!
- I'm going with you. - I'm coming, too.
All set?
Let's move!
Top of the building, round the corner.
Give me that radio.
This is Cowboy. Over.
Holy shit! The sniper has a clean shot through the hole!
That son of a bitch!
You'll be all right.
Don't shit me, Joker!
I'm not. You're my favorite turd.
Hang on, man! Hang on!
I can hack it.
Let's go get some payback.
Okay.
Watch that fucking hole.
Give them some smoke.
Ready?
Donlon, Rock, that way. You two, with me.
Joker, in there! New Guy!
We got the sniper!
What's up?
We got the sniper.
I saved Joker's ass.
I got the sniper.
I fucking blew her away!
Am I bad?
Am I a life-taker? Am I a heartbreaker?
What's she saying?
She's praying.
No more boom-boom for this baby-san.
There's nothing we can do for her.
She's dead meat.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
What about her?
Fuck her.
Let her rot.
We can't just leave her here.
Hey, asshole...
...Cowboy's wasted.
You're fresh out of friends.
I'm running this squad now.
And I say we leave the gook for the mother-loving rats.
I'm not trying to run this squad.
I'm just saying we can't leave her like this.
Shoot... me.
Shoot...
...me.
If you want to waste her, go on...
...waste her.
Shoot.
We'll have to put you up for the Congressional Medal of... Ugly!
Hardcore, man.
Fucking hardcore.
We have nailed our names in the pages of history enough for today.
We hump down to the Perfume River to set in for the night.
"We play fair and we work hard And we're in harmony
"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
"Forever let us hold our banner high
"Boys and girls from far and near
"You're welcome as can be
"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
"Who's the leader of the club..."
My thoughts drift back to erect-nipple wet dreams...
...about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the great homecoming fuck fantasy.
I am so happy that I am alive...
...in one piece, and short.
I'm in a world of shit, yes.
But I am alive.
And I am not afraid.